Cewsh: Ah, and here is the very first time that the Cewsh Reviews…team got to review a show by one of the top companies, and got a chance to show that they could, in fact, actually review shows that people might have some interest in seeing. Unfortunately, after the debacle of the Ring of Honor PPV, we were both feeling a bit listless about the whole review thing. Vice chose to go the complete comedic route with this one, and I had trouble resisting temptation to do the same. This would really be the turnaround, though, because from here on out the reviews got better and better every single time out the door. You might also notice that the format is much more familiar, as this was the first review that I really felt comfortable formatting these monsters.
I’m glad Vice let me talk him into keeping this going after all.
Alright cats and kittens welcome to the official second review of the dynamic dream team, Cewsh and Vice, and this time we’ll be reviewing something that someone might actually have wanted to watch. Going into the watching of this card we both have a vague idea of the card, but no idea of the results, and a vague idea of the storylines involved. We are watching as fans and critics alike, because that’s the natural way.
Cewsh: TNA, as usual, runs down the matches with some epic and well produced video angles. There you go. Good stuff. They’re production department is really very, very good and has been for a long time. Deserve props for doing a lot with less resources.
Cewsh: The Main Event Mafia all bundle out of a limo, and Scott Steiner, wearing a hilarious looking suit that makes him look even more crazy than usual, cuts a rambling promo to Jeremey Borash about young timers getting in his way, or some such. Then he makes Borash carry their bags. Ha!
Vice: Small people.
Match: 7 ounces out of a can of soda.
Finish: It was Pepsi.
Note: Why does America get all the fat jokes when the UK has Doug?
Cewsh: First of all, its worth mentioning that the new set looks like magic. Its really, really fantastic, and just makes the whole show look infinitely more professional and well done than it did before. Also, So Cal Val? There wouldn’t be anything identifiable left after I finished hitting that. Fo real. Alright, so this is like a huge, multi X Division guy match like they generally have on these shows. There’s way too much action to follow individually, so here are some thoughts from the match:
– WHY IS TANAHASHI SLUMMING IT HERE?! We’re talking about one of the biggest draws in Japan wrestling a jobber match for the second most prestigious promotion in the United States. Bad call.
– Williams eliminated himself by jumping over the top rope. Except that he doesn’t. Maybe you have to be thrown over the top? We have no idea.
– I don’t feel like Lethal is as talented as people think. And Sonjay Dutt is so good that I want to invent a time machine so I can go back to last year and slap myself for insulting him so much.
– Homicide commits absolute suicide with his tope con hilo. What a man.
This was a high quality match, even if the whole “over the top rope” thing actually didn’t come up at any point in the match, and was actually, in fact, completely ignored. A very good opener with a very surprising winner.
65 out of 100
1. Eric Young
2. Jay Lethal
3. Doug Williams
4. Hiroshi Tanahashi
5. Petey Williams
6. Consequences Creed
8. Jimmy Rave
10. Sonjay Dutt
* Bear in mind that this will never be brought up again by TNA. Ever.
Cewsh: Post match, Eric Young cuts a surprising serious and heartfelt promo about how the X Division kids are becoming men, and will defeat the Main Event Mafia. This storyline is already elevating talent to new heights, so I couldn’t be more in support of it.
Cewsh: Foley and Jarrett do an interview where they talk about how they have to diffuse this whole situation before it gets out of hand. Meanwhile some kid sleeps on the couch behind them. Who is this mystery child? Some new addition to the roster? Some gripping, emotional element to a future storyline which will leave us all with tears and regret? Or just some kid, sleeping on a couch. I dunno, what are you all asking me for? I just review this stuff.
Cewsh: I don’t enjoy women’s wrestling. I’m sorry. Much like the WNBA and the LPGA, I respect their accomplishments and their skills, but its just like watching worse wrestling than then men might offer in the same spot on the card, just because they have breasts. Now, there are some exceptions. I think very highly of 3 of the four women in this match, and I absolutely adore anything that Kong does in particular, but Roxi just rubs me the wrong way. Not because she does hardcore stuff or because she’s edgy or what have you, but because she’s not very interesting to watch or very attractive. So why is she here?
At any rate, this is a solid enough match I suppose, but it just doesn’t have much in the way of excitement or interest. It’s the furtherment of a storyline between Kong and Roxi I suppose, and that’s all it is. Filler match.
35 out of 100
Vice: The women.
Match: Two tentacles of an octopus.
Finish: Your tentacles are tentacles.
Note: I’d wreck Taylor Wilde.
Cewsh: Jarrett appeals to their good nature of the Mafia. It, um, fails. Yelling ensues. Nash is an amazing promo by the way. He has emotion, but never overacts. Its very effective. Anyway, short segment, moving on…
Cewsh: So, we’re rooting for the racist, misogynist bigot from Detroit against the anti-American, militant Arab. Got it? Good. Bashir is quite talented, and basically carries this match with his top notch heel work. Also during this match, the Insane Clown Posse shows up in the front row and has some interaction with Bashir. Curious. Even more curious is the fact that Scott Hall is blatantly sitting in the front row with them, but is not mentioned in the slightest by the announcers. I guess he’s just there as a fan. Hall is a Juggalo? He MUST be high. Anyway this was an average match, with a predictable ending, but is worth watching for the growth of Bashir as a talent.
50 out of 100
Match: One wheel of a Toyota Camry.
Finish: The tire is now flat.
Note: Rhyno is actually, in fact, a Homosapien.
Cewsh: Foley is stirring up the young guys, but The Motor City Machine Guns have no interest in listening. I’m really interested to see where this whole disrespectful young guys angle goes, because its very interesting. The young guys can’t afford to lose allies like the Guns, but they’re exactly what the Mafia are complaining about, and it hurts their cause to include them. TNA is crafting a multi layered story here, and I haven’t seen anything like it since the NWO.
Match: 5 slices of a pepperoni pizza.
Finish: Double the pepperoni.
Note: Beer Money needs one theme, not a combining of two—it sounds awful.
Cewsh: You know the story before I have to tell it to you. The Guns have a ton of fast paced, double team offense that is thrilling to watch, and Beer Money are all about being strong heels that rile people up. It’s a pretty good match, though the styles don’t quite mesh perfectly well. This is about the perfect kind of match for the midpoint of the show, though. 4 strong midcard workers having a decent tag match to stir the fans back up and get them re-energized for the final stretch. This match will probably seem like a draw when you read about it, but its just a good midcard match. Nothing more, nothing less.
50 out of 100
Cewsh: Borash interviews Booker T and Sharmell about Christian. Booker is absurd, and fantastic. The end.
Cewsh: I’m not really sure what I expected from this match. Their matches in the WWE were always plagued by an awkward lack of chemistry that caused their matches to look sloppy, and frankly, boring. However both performers have grown by leaps and bounds since then, and as a result, this match far exceeded my expectations. The opening moments of the contest had a lot of good, stiff chain wrestling that you don’t often see from these guys, and as the match progressed it stayed very well paced and exciting. Also the stipulation and the relative equality of these two on the card caused for a great atmosphere where I had no idea who was going to win this match. The ending is going to lead to an interesting storyline dynamic, I think. Very, very decent match here.
70 out of 100
Match: One elephant tusk.
Finish: The tusk is from an African elephant.
Note: Their matches have always just.. been there.
Cewsh: Yet another interview here, this time with Abyss angrily ranting at Kurt Angle to hype up their match up next. Can anybody tell me why these guys get more promo time to hype up their PPV matches on the physical PPV itself than they do on the shows that are intended to sell said PPV’s? Anyway, Abyss is angry, and seems to be slowly returning to crazy Abyss. Countdown to him turning on Morgan begins now…
Cewsh: Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett video package. Are they having a match on this PPV? Oh wait, Abyss shows up at the tail end of it. Kind of makes him look like an afterthought to a retired wrestler in an administrative role. Not exactly top form, but forgivable.
Match: 16 cigarettes out of a pack.
Finish: 12 of those cigarettes were trampled into oblivion by a rare, wild and rainbow colored Buffalo, possibly from France.
Note: Abyss should have been set on fire.
Cewsh: Its funny, but watching this it occurs to me that Abyss was Angle’s first opponent after coming to TNA, when we were all sure that Angle was crippled and didn’t have it anymore. A few years later, and he certainly seems to have proven us wrong.
At any rate, these two have good chemistry, and Abyss is always a better worker than you expect him to be, especially against smaller guys who can run around a bit. Note that this is a Falls Count Anywhere match, so after the first few minutes, this thing is just a huge brawl through the arena. So if you were expecting a technical wrestling match (right), you will certainly be disappointed. Let me say this though, Angle does a move about halfway through this match off the stage that I had to rewind at least 10 times. It says something about the man that he is so good at high spots, and yet doesn’t even have to use them on a regular basis.
Anyway, this match was quite entertaining for me personally. When done in moderation, the whole hardcore, falls count anywhere gimmick can really be a breath of fresh air on a card, and so it is here. Definitely one of the best matches of the night, and one I’ll officially stamp this with Cewsh’s Seal of Approval. This match is a reason to download this show. Simple as that.
80 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
Cewsh: Segment name says it all really. Joe hates Nash. Nash is a jerk. Etc. On the other hand, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are delicious. I think I’ll enjoy one.
Cewsh: This is the culmination of the longest running storyline in TNA, so it should definitely be emotional and dramatic. I also spend some time in the beginning thinking about how a few short years ago, Joe was an indy guy, and today he’s treated on the level of guys like Sting, Nash, and Angle, and not only does he hold his own, but he completely dominates them all. Part of me is terrified that he’ll come down with Lesnar disease, but I can only hope he won’t.
As for the match, it’s the brawl you’d expect it to be. For a match this built up though, I’d have to call the audience response disappointing. That’s the problem with holding PPVs in the iMPACT Zone, nobody there treats the big matches differently from the regular matches, so they come off flat. It doesn’t detract too much from the match though, and lets give credit where credit is due, Nash is in great shape. He busts his ass in this match to make Joe look good, and as a result the match is fun to watch, and makes both guys look good. Can’t ask for more than that.
70 out of 100
Match: Optimus Prime’s legs out of Optimus Prime.
Finish: The legs rebelled and stomped you to death.
Note: Nash probably voted for John McCain.
Cewsh: Seriously, I know Sting’s supposed to be the Crow or whatever, be he’s always looked like a mime to me, and I fucking hate mimes. Evil looking bastards, thinking they’re better than me with their invisible walls and lassos. Goddamn mimes.
Cewsh: This match has been a long time coming for Styles. Yes he’s been the World Champion before, but that was in the days when the World title was a belt that anybody could win, and had no credibility. This is his first real title match, and his first real main event since TNA became a credible promotion to be champion of. Also, its worth mentioning that TNA debuts a new thing here, where they do a hype video for each guy just before he enters, and I think it really gives the whole thing a big fight, that it may otherwise have lacked, after having maybe been lost in the shuffle of the overarching Main Event Mafia feud. Very nice touch.
The match? Its good. Damn good. Sting is clearly still trying to get used to working as a heel, but he’s much better here than he was against Joe, and it helps to have a guy like Styles bumping for him and making him look like a monster heel. Sting, concurrently, makes Styles look like a million bucks, and an equal, which is a huge step up for Styles, not to mention the way that Sting took some offense from AJ that I frankly never expected he’d be willing to take. The match is better for the compromise. One thing to warn you about though, is that this match is very slow paced for much of it, which makes sense in the context of the match, but is maybe not what you’d expect for an AJ Styles match. This is just a good match where the heel wears down the face, and the face tries to overcome it.
This match was worth watching. That’s what you’re here to know, yeah?
83 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
Match: Half of a chicken.
Finish: An entire chicken.
Note: Have you seen AJ’s wife? Big Daddy V could do better.
Cewsh: This show is pretty much a TNA show all around. Some stuff was great, some stuff was boring. Overall the show was very solid, but you come away from it not feeling incredibly wowed. Still, I thought the show was good enough from top to bottom, and the Main Event Mafia storyline might be the hottest in wrestling right now. They have a ticket to ride with this one. Let’s see how far they can take it.
Vice: Not the best showing from TNA, but it wasn’t that bad overall. A solid, if unspectacular, showing for one of their typical PPVs. Good development storyline-wise and some decent matches with Angle/Abyss getting my vote as match of the night. If you’ve never seen TNA, don’t start with this PPV. There are better ones out there.
That’s all folks. Hope you enjoyed it, and please drop us a comment to let us know how you’d like to see future reviews formatted, or what shows you’d like us to cover. We’re all ears, but we can’t get any better unless you guys help us cater it to you (though to be fair, Vice is only going to talk about Optimus Prime regardless of your requests). Tune in next time, for more action, more excitement, more snarking, and possible a little something for the ladies.