TNA Genesis 2009

Cewsh: The first TNA show of the new year, and it was a definite doozie, as Mick Foley had just come to TNA, and nobody really knew what he was going to wind up doing with the company. This is the start of what I would later call the “Meh” period of TNA PPVs. Meh. A three letter word that means “not worth your money or time.” Also, this review was powered entirely by Taco Bell and sleeplessness.

Good times.

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Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA GENESIS 2009

Well here we are again boys and girls, here for another TNA review, but also here for the very first big (US) show of the new year. TNA jumps out of the gate first with the first PPV of the year, so will they set the pace, and the standard for 2009, and give us a show to give us faith for the coming year? Only time will tell, and time we have. So let’s get to it.

Segment 1 – VIDEO MADNESS.

Cewsh: TNA comes out of the blocks with another quality video package and yeah. This is pretty much the same month in and month out. Many props to the TNA production staff for coming up with fresh new ways to make PPVs seem epic through these videos, though I would argue that the videos are SO good, that they’d be better served to be on tv selling the shows. Just a thought. Moving on…

Segment 2 – Six Man Elimination Tag Team Match. Sonjay (Waiting For My One Feud A Year) Dutt, Ki (The Great Mutunoriginalgimmick) Yoshi, and Jimmy (Someday A Company Will Push Me) Rave vs. Eric (Serious Business!)Young and L.A.X. (Ative).

Vice: TNA really knows how to start PPVs off. Say all the bad things you want about them, but when it comes to starting on fire, they almost always deliver. Eric and LAX are super over, and the heels are actually getting boos. How crazy is that? Get out of Orlando, TNA. The match was surprisingly good. Fast-paced and spotty, the crowd ate it the hell up. While obviously not all matches should be fast and spotty, it’s more than fine with the opener. There’s nothing worse than starting the show off to silence or groans. The crowd is awesome so far. Hernandez continues to amaze me. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of him just throwing people from one side of the ring to the other. He’s a big dude, but he doesn’t look THAT strong.

The show is off to a lovely start.

Cewsh: Well this is our basic opening TNA PPV match. Lots of X Division guys. High spots, botches, craziness, etcetera. This one is more uninspired than most, since its generally between a bunch of jobbers and 3 guys getting actual pushes (guess who is who), so the outcome is pretty much a certainty. So with that said, I’ll instead choose to focus on the crazy different atmosphere this show has compared to the average TNA PPV. They’re pretty obviously not in the Impact Zone, but I’m not sure where they actually are, because if they mentioned it I didn’t catch it. At any rate, there are many different, dynamic camera angles, a bigger arena feel, and the crowd sounds absolutely huge, even if the relative darkness makes it hard to see how many fans are really in attendance. In general it lends itself to a very new and different atmosphere to the show. Very interesting.

Though honestly, a big arena seems wasted on a match like this. At least when WWE runs a bad match featuring jobbers in a huge arena, I generally believe they belong there. Jimmy Rave looks like he broke in.

During the match Jim Cornette is trying to get into the Main Event Mafia’s locker room, to negligible success. This was more interesting than the actual match, unfortunately. Or at least until it got down to one man verses three, at which point the match became immediately watchable and awesome. Its worth mentioning, though, that TNA has a weird way of pushing people. Why am I to believe that a guy like Rave is a threat to a guy like Hernandez. Has Rave ever won a match in TNA? Ever? Yeah. Wacky.

50 out of 100.

Hernandez over Jimmy Rave after all others were eliminated.
Segment 3 – Steiner Gets Promo Time. Why, god, why?

Cewsh: Exactly what the segment name implies. Cornette wants to know why Rhino is late getting to the arena. In case you don’t know, Rhino has a title shot tonight against Sting. Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please let him be injured so that he has to miss the main event. Fucking put Cute Kip in there and it would be a better main event. Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please.

Segment 4 – Motor City Machine Guns Vignette.

Cewsh: So let me get this straight. The Machine Guns are wrestling each other for the X Division Title, in a friendly competition match, and they even just got their own promo video to promote it? Yeah, I’m betting there are shenanigans or a swerve at work here. Just a feeling I get.

Segment 5 – TNA X Division Championship – Alex (This Is The Year Of) Shelley vs. Chris (Marty Jannetty) Sabin.

Cewsh: This match is probably the one to be most excited about on this show, as the best tag team in TNA (and debatably in the world right now) going head to head and full speed for a championship that they both deserve. Now there are a few problems with this.

1. They make no mention of the NJPW Tag Titles that they JUST won. A match between tag champions is that much more important.

2. These guys have way more tag chemistry than they have as opponents.

3. They have themselves a very good, very hard hitting X Division style match. But if they weren’t dressed the same, and you didn’t know who they were, you would have no idea that they were tag team partners. I don’t know what I expect from them exactly, but its just like they went out there and had a match, as opposed to telling the natural “I respect you, but let’s fight” story.

So yeah. Good match, but somehow it wasn’t all that I wanted it to be. To be honest, there isn’t actually anything wrong with the match itself, it just felt to me like outside factors, and the overwhelming feeling that this Shelley push can’t possibly last due to my general lack of faith in TNA to push people effectively. Am I too jaded to give this match the credit it deserves? Entirely possible. But I can’t help it.

Now. On the positive side, because there is one despite my bitching, what you have here is two X Division guys basically doing all that they can to replicate a Japanese main event match (hey we just reviewed one of those!) and they had a lot of success with it. This was a very entertaining match, with a hot ending, and the right man won I think. I just wish my heart had been in it.

73 out of 100.

Vice: I can see a lot of people not liking this match-up and thinking it was overdone a bit. However, I fucking loved it. It seemed to play out a lot like a big Japanese match, but I thought it worked. It was fast and spotty, but that’s how both of them wrestle these days. Lots of action in this match on top of a great story, I felt.

Basically going into the match, both of them are equals due to how they’re presented in their tag team. Sabin, however, has the edge because he’s been X-division champion a number of times.. so he’s the “better” of the two on paper. Neither man wanted to lose because a title was on the line and because they both have so much pride. And, you know.. bragging rights go to the winner. Since they know each other so well, both men were able to capitalize off the mistakes they each made and were waiting for the other person with a counter to it. It was very well done. I was going into this match thinking it’d be good at best, but would probably end up being pretty shitty. Wrong.

I normally dread endings like this one had, but it was so well done and fit the story perfectly. It wasn’t so much Sabin losing, but Shelley winning. Simply put, Shelley could not beat Sabin in a straight up one on one match. He threw everything in his arsenal at him and couldn’t put him down for the 3. Even worse, as the match kept going, Sabin was firing back harder and harder and would just. not. die. Call it experience, determination, being the better man, whatever—Sabin couldn’t be beaten. So, Shelley, knowing that Sabin is practically a brother to him, feigns an injury to catch him off guard. And, as it was made abundantly clear the second Shelley was holding his leg, Sabin gets caught for the 3.

The post-match stuff was great. I was so afraid it was going to become a shoving contest, but Sabin realized that Shelley got him and eventually smiled. Shelley goes for the handshake, Sabin is a bit hesitant at first but throws his hand up. Shelley takes his back and gives Sabin a massive hug. That’s as perfect as it could have been. So there was no “clear” winner of the match as both are still more or less equals, and yet the finish didn’t feel out of place at all OR hurt the team in a sense of forced/bad booking. Certainly not a five star match, but for what it was it had very few, if any, faults.

Shelley over Sabin with the Roll Up.
Segment 6 – Jim Cornette Can’t Find Rhino. No Zoo In The Yellow Pages?

Cewsh: Alright. So nobody can find Rhino, Christy Hemme apparently has a broken neck and Kevin Nash has a “staph infection” and can’t wrestle. They’re dropping like flies ladies and gentlemen. Steroid fueled flies.

Shit, those would be some nasty badass flies.

Segment 7 – West and Tenay Run Down The Card.

Cewsh: This wouldn’t merit qualification as a segment ordinarily, but they are blatantly unsure of what to do as half of the show seems to have disappeared out from under their feet. Now they may be kayfabing me very effectively, but if they are then they deserve awards for acting, because West especially looks entirely out of sorts. Insane.

Segment 8 – Sheik Abdul (Meany Face) Bashir vs. Shane (Scary Fucking Entrance Video) Sewell.

Vice: Aaand the show goes downhill. Ok, Sewell is a ref. He’s a big ref and is probably in better shape than Edge and I combined and he’d probably fuck us both up at the same time in a dark alley.. but he’s still a ref. In wrestling land, that means that any sort of accidental hit will knock him dead for upwards of 13 minutes and 42 seconds. However, any sort of intended physical contact doesn’t actually hurt him much. He can, still, beat the shit out of an actual wrestler. Yes, he’s a smaller wrestler, but still a wrestler.

Really, the match should be Bashir beating the shit out of him for the majority of the time with maybe a hot exchange here or there from Sewell to keep it a wrestling contest. A ref should not be on offense for 68% of the match. Even if he’s a big ref and is probably in better shape than Edge and I combined and probably able to fuck both of us up at the same time in a dark alley. He should also not be the one doing a Figure Four to get the Charlotte/Flair pop. Poor match from a wrestling perspective and booking perspective, however…

The end was pretty awesome. Hebner getting involved and helping out his referee comrade was pretty damn funny. Plus a fast count on Bashir, continuing the screwjobs from Hebner. Oh, and the ref celebration at the end. I can’t hate on that part of the match because I was laughing quite a bit. Eat that, you actual wrestlers!

Cewsh: This is a good angle. Bashir has played this whole thing as an insane jerk, and Sewell has done the Incredible Hulk routine without it coming off as too hokey to be reasonable. It’s a good angle, but as the match starts, there is absolutely no reaction from the fans for either of these two men. Up to this point the crowd was pretty active in booing the heels and cheering the faces, but I think the fans are a little confused by Shane Sewell. The angle has been effective in getting his sympathetic referee character over, but then he comes out here and basically has a technical wrestling match with the man who drove him so crazy with rage that he got himself fired?

This is another match where the atmosphere of the match does not match the angle in place here, and its bugging me more than I ought to be letting it. Just as a wrestling match though, this is nothing special. In fact its worse than nothing special. This match is just move after move after move. No intensity, no progression of the angle. Its just Bashir trying to generate some heat, and Sewell being very underwhelming in his face role.

The ending though? Goddamn hilarious. Even if it did make Earl Hebner the biggest face in the match. Awesome stuff at the end, but it wasn’t enough to save this match.

55 out of 100.

Sewell over Bashir Following A Roll Up while Earl Hebner Fast Counted The Pin Fall.

Segment 9 – Jim Cornette Is Looking For, Wait For It, RHINO!

Cewsh: I mean seriously. If you want to find Rhino that bad, just check the local Hooters or something.

At any rate. Booker T is less than helpful in Cornette’s pursuit, and when a fight almost breaks out the Zebra Brigade shows up to break it up. This involves Shane Sewell (who must have hustled to get back here this fast) staring down Booker T. A feud between them? Already? Hmm.

Segment 10 – TNA World Tag Team Championships– Black (And White Cookies Are Delicious) Machismo and Consequences (God, Do I Hate Spelling That Word) Creed © vs. Abyss (Fat Kane. Note: Not Phat Kane.) and Matt (I Have Gotten Over My Stuttering Problem, Thank You) Morgan vs. Beer (Wait, We Lost The Titles?) Money Inc.

Vice: I want a Boozer Cruiser. If Storm ever leaves Roode, he should be replaced with a bear.

BEAR MONEY

It’d be quite an awesome replacement, to be honest. But I hope Storm doesn’t go anywhere despite the potential brilliance of a live bear in TNA. Since I am rambling about bears, it’s a hint at what the match was like. Basically, it was there. Decent match, but nothing really special about it. I’m hoping someone sets Abyss on fire sometime soon. It’s been a while, and I hope TNA hasn’t forgotten about that Abyss Dies gimmick.

Cewsh: Alright, so apparently Creed and Lethal won the tag titles on the show before the PPV, and I’m guessing it may have been because of the knee injury that they were talking about with Roode. At any rate, that gives this match a little different dynamic then that straight up tag match I was expecting going in, but as a result, this match doesn’t have a ton of heat on it. At any rate, these guys do the best they can to whip the crowd up and get them excited, and they really do a good job of it.

Beer Money especially do a fantastic job, and are really starting to cement themselves as something really special in the wrestling industry right now. They’re a little bit old school, but they can wrestle the X Division style, the can wrestle big guys and small guys, and come off great either way. TNA is truly lucky to have found another team with such natural chemistry. They’ve had many in their history. Its just unfortunate that they’ve rarely had more than one at any given time.

Anyway this is the most entertaining match of the night so far for me, and hopefully this will mark the beginning of the turnaround for the show.

69 out of 100.

Beer Money Inc. over Morgan and Abyss Following Sneaky Tactics.

Cewsh: After the match Abyss and Morgan definitely have issues. They should perhaps attend a church service together. Perhaps one run by the SINISTER MINISTER! BWAHAHAHA.

Segment 11 – Jim Cornette Finds Out Where Rhino Is.

Cewsh: Quick, everyone check your “kooky possible locations” bingo cards? Did anybody have “a vacant lot”? No? Then sorry, I’m afraid you’re all losers this week. Thanks for playing.

Kurt Angle admits that the Mafia beat up Rhino and left him in “a vacant lot” with cab fair, since they’re nice guys. This was all earlier that day, conceivably in the same town that the arena is in. So, couldn’t Rhino have just walked to the arena? Taken public transportation? Or, since he had cab fair, I don’t know, taken a cab? Or was this lot like REALLY, REALLY vacant? I mean its North Carolina, so how vacant are we talking here? Like cornfield vacant? Atlantic Ocean refueling dock vacant?

In my opinion they could have saved a lot of trouble by just shooting him right from the beginning. It would have made them the biggest faces since Austin.

Segment 12 – TNA Knockouts Championship Number One Contender Ship – ODB (Open During Bat mitzvahs) and Roxxi (I Left My Personality In My Other Plaid Pants) and Taylor (Is So Unbelievably Tiny) Wilde vs. The Kong-tourage (Sojourner Bolt, Rhaka Khan, Raisha Saide).

Cewsh: Alright, let’s just get into this:

– The Khan-tourage. The ass licking, shit fucking Kong-tourage?! Are you fucking kidding me? No, this has to be a fucking goddamn joke, because no nickname I could ever come up with in a segment header could do justice to how hilariously and mind numbingly awful that name is.

– The Kong-tourage is comprised of one black chick, one exotic looking black chick, one Middle Eastern chick, and Kong. What the fuck do these people have in common? That they aren’t white? I know that wrestling is inherently hickish and racist, but I can’t even be offended by this, because its not racist, its just fucking lazy. Stupid and fucking lazy.

– This is a 6 man tag match for the number one contender ship. The person who gets the pin fall gets the shot. Yeah, these matches are FUCKING STUPID. Why would a stable enter in to a match like this with no visible strategy. Everyone in this match has every reason to betray their teammates to get that title shot. By NOT doing that, and by NOT seeming to give a shit about getting a win just makes it seem like the title isn’t anything worth pursuing. Why isn’t this just a 6 way match? There is no reason. None at all.

– There was so much hope for the Knockout Division when it debuted. So, so much hope. But guess what? Its dead. This shit is on absolute life support right now, and unless something spectacular happens to jumpstart it soon, it is going to die a terrible and embarrassing death.

Ugh.

21 out of 100.

Vice: Ugh. I’d totally fuck Taylor and Cheerleader Melissa, but I won’t pretend to enjoy their matches. Yeah, I wasn’t feeling this one. Should I be? Instead, I spent the match discussing potential gimmick changes.

Envious Vice: As previously mentioned, Roxxi should be lower-class pregnant trailer trash. Maybe even make her a lesbian.


Envious Vice: ODB needs to wear a dinosaur outfit that covers her body from foot to neck. Not because she’s not attractive, but because she’d make a good dinosaur.


Envious Vice: Taylor Wilde needs to be a referee… of porn.


Envious Vice: I’ve not seen a lot of porn in my day, but sometimes I feel like a ref should step in and give them a 5-count.


Envious Vice: But that’s just me.


DashboardFonz: Absolutely.


DashboardFonz: I’m with you so far.


Envious Vice: Rhaka Khan..


Envious Vice: Well..


Envious Vice: I don’t even know what to do with her.


Envious Vice: I guess they could make her look like even more of a freak.


Envious Vice: I’d fire the other black woman.


Envious Vice: They could have her protest the decision and come back with a megaphone claiming discrimination.


Envious Vice: And ODB would come out of nowhere and beat her with her giant T-Rex slippers.


Envious Vice: Hopefully the slippers that make sounds when you walk. Like the ones Urkel had.


Envious Vice: ODB should also have a cape.


Envious Vice: Saide should have a hooker gimmick or something.


Envious Vice: Anything to get her skin showing.


Envious Vice: And her face.


Envious Vice: She’s really hot, but you’d never know.

ODB over everyone Following A Who Gives A Fucking Shit.

Segment 13 – Sting Isn’t Interested In Rhino.

Cewsh: That makes two of us, Stinger. That makes two of us.


Segment 14 – No Disqualification – Kurt (TNA’s Mr. PPV) Angle vs. Jeff (King of Magic Mountain) Jarrett.

Vice: This is how a heated match should start off. From the get-go, Jarrett just starts beating the shit out of Angle. Intense irish whips too, as dumb as that sounds. Chain wrestling is a no no here, and it makes sense. Angle tried to slow Jeff’s onslaught down with a sleeper, which was a good touch. Good story here with Angle constantly having to slow Jarrett down, because that’s how hot Jarrett is. The match gets fucking intense and at times downright brutal and fucked up. While I normally slam Jarrett and never really look forward to seeing him, there’s no denying how fucking great he was in this match. He played the courageous face to utter perfection. The story they told was gripping, the action was amazing, and overall just a really fucking great match and wrestled RIGHT. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but fuck did they deliver.

The post match stuff was fucking brutal as well. Good to see Tenay and West visibly affected by what happened, even if their acting was a bit dramatic. Edge pointed out that Tenay had to look at the run sheet at the end, which is something I missed because I was taking my boots off. It’s a nice touch, showing how broken up they were over what happened. Little touch, but very effective. As long as you’re not removing footwear and miss it. Though something tells me it’s going to make it into a blooper reel because some people are moronic.

Cewsh: Alright, my expectations aren’t very high for this match, but here’s hoping they surprise me.

This match starts off exactly as hot as I’ve been clamoring for the other matches to. Jarrett goes right after Angle, which he should be, since they apparently hate each other, and you’d think that that would be the idea. This match is just a fun, entertaining brawl right from the start. And brutal. Did I mention brutal? Yeah, these guys are laying in their kicks, cinching up on their headlocks, and they just give the very serious impression that these two wrestlers really want to hurt each other. Just absolutely perfect for the story that they set out to tell.

I just can’t say enough for how much of a reverse this match is from the matches before it on this show. This match is brutal, intense, emotional and, well, appropriate. Angle is absolutely money these days, like him or not he’s become like the Angle of old, where no matter what he’s doing, he’s stealing the show every month, and Jarrett absolutely knows his way around an entertaining brawl. The stars aligned for these guys here, and you can just go right ahead and file a police report, because this show has been fucking burgled by these two here. Jut a nasty, nasty, wonderful match.

Brilliant stuff, and I never would have expected it. That’s TNA for you. You can get down on it for a while and then BOOM, something like this happens to remind you of why you’ve invested yourself in the first place. Are the highs worth the lows? That’s not for me to say. But at the end of the day, all I know is that its not perfect and its not ideal, but fuck man. I’ll take it.


87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Angle over Jarrett Following A Roll Up.

Cewsh: Post match, Angle jumps Jarrett and puts his ankle in a chair and viciously stomps a mudhole in it for about 30 seconds before he leaves. Really great emotional moment here as West and Tenay seem legitimately broken up, with Tenay going to far as to blatantly read off of his run sheet to show how out of sorts this has made him. Really good, powerful stuff.

Segment 15 – Rhino Is Sort Of Pissed.

Cewsh: Geez what crawled up his ass?

Oh right. Kurt Angle’s shoe. My bad.

Segment 16 –TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Rhino (Is About As Good As Anything From Detroit Ever Could Be) vs. (Cewsh’s Dazzling Wit) Sting (s) ©.

Vice: Fuck you, Rhino. Get fired and work at Jiffy Lube you wanker.

Cewsh: Oh how I loathe thee Rhino, let me count the ways:

– I hate his stupid elbow tattoos.

– I hate the random Kanji on his singlet which doesn’t suit his character at all.

– I hate his stupid squat ugliness.

– I hate his greasy, ugly hair.

– I hate his stupid little goatee.

– I hate his beady little eyes.

– I hate that he looks like every greasy douche bag I’ve met in Ohio.

– I hate that he only has one move and its been years since he did it right.

– I fucking HATE that he’s actually proud of being from Detroit.

Now, all that said, I’m sure the guy is a nice dude in real life. A good father, a loving husband. By all accounts he has a ton of friends in the business, and is widely respected as a good guy. He’s faced personal struggles and I respect him more for having dealt with them like a man, and become a success despite it.

Now all THAT said, I don’t want to watch him wrestle ever again. Ever. Want objectivity? Seek it elsewhere. I’m a critic, not a charity worker.

Oh, and Sting was here also. Sting was good. And this match was short. So there is that.

50 out of 100.

Sting over Rhino Following the Scorpion Death Drop.

Segment 17 – Styles, Devon and Foley have a friendly chat.

Cewsh: Styles is the best promo in TNA. I never thought I’d say that, but he is absolute money. Devon is perfectly suitable. As for Foley? Well, I think we’ve pretty much seen this all before. He hasn’t shown me anything to indicate that he’s in the kind of shape necessary for him to pull off an in ring comeback right now, and he just really doesn’t belong in this match right now. There was scarcely any build up to his in ring debut for TNA, and he feels like an afterthought to the very real and heated feud between the other 4 in the match. Ah well.

Segment 18 – The Main Event Mafia (Booker T, Scott Steiner, and a Mystery Partner) vs. AJ (The Highlight of the Night) Styles, Brother (Obviously) Devon, and Mick (Has Been Retiring For 12 Years And Is Starting To Get A Handle On It) Foley.

Cewsh: I’m sure you’re all in suspense as to who the mystery partner or the Mafia is going to be. What World champion, what legend of wrestling, what king of the wrestling game will the Mafia have chosen on short notice to replace the fallen Kevin Nash? Well, naturally, they had only one choice. Only one man could possibly belong in such a role on such an important spot on the show.

And that man’s name is Cute Kip.

Wait. What?

That’s right, Cute fucking Kip.

Alright look, Nash canceled on the show at the last second and they needed a replacement, I get that. And they’re somewhat handicapped by the MEM gimmick as to who could possibly take a place in a match with the group, but seriously. There’s nobody else? Nobody hanging around visiting friends who could use a paycheck? Nobody? Are you sure? Sting or Angle couldn’t have worked another match?

So we have Foley, who has no business in this match, and two people with hot grievances, against Cute Kip, who has no business in this industry anymore, and two guys who have credibility, and played direct roles in the issues Devon and Styles have. Hmm, seems like there’s an easy solution to this. Hmm. Hmmmmmmm. Nope, can’t think of one. Oh well, on to the match itself.

Its basically a sloppy brawl, where everybody is trying to be very careful not to mess anything else up tonight. About halfway through the match, they’re all counted out, so Cornette comes down to restart the match. Of course, this would be too easy, and would make Cornette’s character useful, so they instantly declare that he has no authority here in TNA, and that Booker T has the authority to end matches. But then Foley jumps in, asserts himself as the authority and restarts the match under hardcore rules.

So, yeah. It descends into a sloppy, unfocused brawl after that. And then, finally, it mercifully something interesting happens, when Styles absolutely kills himself to make this match watchable. Its not enough though. Its simply not enough. Styles busts his ass, the veterans try to put something together here under extreme duress, and Foley is much better than he has any right to be, but it doesn’t matter. This match is bowling shoe ugly, as another man might say.

55 out of 100.

Vice: So, Nash is down with a staph infection, and it’s really shitty to shit on a match for potentially being shit because a man is down. Get better, Nash. Anyway, the Main Event Mafia needs a replacement so out comes… Cute Kip. Yes, the man who has never held a heavyweight title. Has never actually been a main eventer. Someone whose claim to fame is tag wrestling. Someone who should have fucked off years ago. Aaaand instead of just sticking to that in his promo, he goes on to insult the Carolina Panthers for cheap heat. Just awful. They couldn’t find ANYONE better? Couldn’t have flown someone in? Convinced Angle to pull double duty? Paid Sting $75,000 for a hot tag? Anything?

This match was pretty dreadful for the first 90% of it, but then picked up a bit. Overall a really crappy main event and a bad way to end the show.

The countout finish was bullshit, but then Cornette came out and said it was going to continue. But wait, the Main Event Mafia has power and Booker says NO! Then Foley says he holds the majority of TNA’s shares and he says YES! And it’s going to be HAAAARDCOOOOORE RUUUUULES. Oi. Well, the match picked up a lot from that point. AJ’s frog splash onto Kip was pretty goddamn awesome, but that couldn’t even save things. And Foley, the beaten up old legend and former multi-time heavyweight champion with a better career than everyone else in the Front Line will probably ever have, picks up the win for the youngsters who are feuding against the beaten up old legends and former multi-time heavyweight champions. Oh, by pinning Scott Steiner. What, Cute Kip couldn’t take the fall? BLAH.

Mick Foley over Scott Steiner with the Double Arm DDT.

————————————————————————————————-

Cewsh’s Final Analysis:

Cewsh: Yeah, this show was a train wreck from start to finish. There was one good match, and one fantastic match. Other than that it was an absolute disaster, but in fairness to TNA they had to deal with a lot of shit. From Hemme getting an alleged neck injury, to Nash no showing, to Roode’s leg injury scare, to essentially basing the whole show around Rhino, a lot of bad things happened and bad decisions were made. That’s TNA for you. Same booking mistakes, same shenanigans, some inconsistency. And at the same time, same interesting characters, same intriguing storylines, and same breathtaking matches. Make up your goddamn mind, TNA.

But we all know I’ll be right back here next month, rooting and hoping and praying for the TNA we all carry around in our heads. The fancy Utopian TNA where the little guys get pushed, the matches are all 100 point classics, and the storylines all make sense. Sigh.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 57.5 out of 100.

Vice’s Overall:

Vice: I actually enjoyed the show quite a bit despite a few clunkers of matches. The crowd was hot and a very nice change from Orlando. The set was nice, as was the camera work. It was nice seeing replays of awesome spots from multiple angles. It’s a massive step up from their old outings where something massive would happen and they’d get it from one angle, and the one angle didn’t even capture it well. Or they’d have a second camera that fucking nailed it, but didn’t use it for the replay because they’d prefer us seeing the move in all its glory at a later date in a video package or something. Would I recommend this show? No. No I wouldn’t. I would recommend trying to catch Sabin/Shelley and Angle/Jarrett though.

Vice’s Awards:

Well boys and girls, this isn’t exactly the great new start to the new year that I was expecting. In fact it was the opposite of the that great start. But don’t let that discourage you, intrepid readers, for in no more than 2 week’s time we will bring to you on of the grandest wrestling spectacles of the year. So be sure to keep a close eye on your calendars and a spot open in your hearts because on January 26th, Edge, Vice, and Ms. Cewsh bring you the 2009 WWE ROYAL RUMBLE.

Read it or die.

Are two of your options.

The Pro Wrestling Summit

Cewsh: Take 1 member of every wrestling promotion in the Land of the Rising Sun, put them in a blender along with traditional Japanese wackiness, and a good dose of fun, and what do you get? A good mix of wily veterans, and youngsters looking for their chance to succeed, and a ton of fun for the Cewsh Reviews Team.



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Every Japanese Promotion Ever Proudly Presents…

THE PRO WRESTLING SUMMIT 2008

Welcome, cats and kittens, to another edition of the Razzy award winning Cewsh Reviews. Tonight we have the special privilege of covering a very unique event in professional wrestling. The Pro Wrestling Summit. Every Japanese wrestling promotion that anyone has ever heard of came together and offered one of their wrestlers to this mini supershow. Its mainly chock full of up and comers, and people that each promotion wants to push, so it’s a good indicator towards who the future of Japanese wrestling is. So yeah, this show is verrrry intriguing, and one of those rare times when we get the chance to sample a lot of different promotions at once. The Cewsh Reviews Team loves that shit.

And without any further ado, let’s review this bitch, shall we?

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Oh, Japan.

We have here collected a huge array of talent from all over Japan to compete in an enormous supershow, and what do they do? They set the opening video to some Irish drinking songs, and have them all look as wacky as possible, before ending the video with a huge blow up anime king in the middle of crowded city street.

No wonder Godzilla keeps coming back for more.

Segment 2 – Yuta (Blue Pants) Yoshikawa (Battlarts), (Mullet Mania) Tadasuke (Osaka Pro Wrestling) and Yuuji (Baldy) Okabayashi (BJW) vs. Kazuchika (The Tall One) Okada (NJPW ), Subsection (Singlet Guy) Takuma (IWAJ) and Shekwasha (The One With a ) Mask (Okinawa Pro Wrestling).

Cewsh: Alright, I’d really love to be able to show you pictures of these guys, and tell you things about them, but seriously? I have no idea who the fuck any of these guys are. I’ve never even watched any of their promotions. And its not like they had any entrances to help me out with this, either. Oh no. Everything is in Japanese, and they’re all just jumbled in there. So with my handy dandy nicknames (made out of complete guesswork), I’ll try to call this match.

The match starts off with Mr. Blue Pants slapping the everloving shit out of Mr. Tall, and then everyone goes crazy and starts beating up other the fuck up. Then Baldy slaps a Torture Rack on the Masked Guy, and…um…yeah.

This match, as a whole, lasted less than 3 minutes, including introductions. A six man tag, that features each wrestler for less than 30 seconds. What in the fuck was this about? Everyone tagged in, did one move, and tagged out. I’m actually completely at a loss for what to say about this. This show is hyped to the moon, features all these promotion’s talent, and these guys showed up to word for 2 minutes and go home? Erm….okay.

30 out of 100

Vice: I started banging my friend as the show started, and then found myself halfway through the card. My previous best time in bed was 7 minutes, 32 seconds.. but fuck, it’s gotta be like an hour and a half now. And she STILL didn’t look very satisfied. Ugh. You can never please women.

Wait, it was a clip show? The world makes sense again.

Match time: 1 minute in 51 seconds.




Baldy over Masked Guy Following A Torture Rack.



Segment 2 – Chono Passes The Torch.

Cewsh: Masahiro Chono passes a torch to a guy, who runs off screen. Yep. Maybe there’s more to that story somewhere, but that’s all that I got out of it. For the sake of good reviewing, though, let’s speculate further. The torch represents Chono’s spot in the main event of New Japan Pro Wrestling, see, and the hapless little guy in the powder blue robe he handed to represents the new generation of scrubs. The scrub taking it and jogging comically away symbolizes…um…Chono’s insecurities about having his shit stolen by guys in powder blue robes?

I was never good at metaphors.



Segment 3 – Masato Tanaka (ZERO-1) vs. Shigehiro Irie (Dera Nagoya Pro Wrestling)

Cewsh: Okay, okay, okay, I think I get it now.

This actually appears to be more of a highlight show, showing the best clips from these matches as opposed to the matches themselves. Naturally we both feel a bit cheated, as this seemed like a cool idea, and instead we’re getting weirdly cut together 2 minute clips of matches we’d like to actually SEE, instead of the actual matches themselves. The weird thing is, that its cut together in such a way, that unless you’re paying close attention, you might actually think that these are crazily fast paced 2 minute complete matches. Of course when you DO pay attention, you notice that guys are teleporting around the ring. Now they’re in the turnbuckle, HEY now they’re on the mat. Now outside the ring!

This has me bummed out. I’ve never seen a Masato Tanaka match I didn’t like. And now I can say that I’ve seen SOME of a Masato Tanaka match that I THINK I liked. To be fair, though, in the clips shown, Irie shows a fuckton of potential, and the crowd appeared to be really seriously into this as Irie fights the odds against the much bigger star.

Seemed like a good match. Wish I could tell you for sure.

35 out of 100

Match Time: 1 minute 53 seconds.




Masato Tanaka over Shigehiro Irie Following the Running Sit Out Clothesline.



Segment 4 – Special Challenge Move Match Handicap Spectacular – Men’s Teioh (BJW) vs. Keizou Matsuda (IWAJ) and KUDO (DDT) and Madoka (Freelance) and Tsutomu Osugi (Soul Connection) and Herakles Chiga (Soul Connection) and Yuki Sato (Freelance)

Cewsh: Okay, bear with me here.

Men’s Teioh appears to be engaging in some kind of competition to see if he can execute every one of a set list of moves on his opponents. Everytime he successfully does one (in his style of doing the move with the absolute bare minimum of moving), a symbol pops up on screen (one of the symbols on the huge screen behind the ring), a red circle pops up on said symbol, and then the whole screen makes the same noise that the door makes when you walk into a 7-Eleven. You might imagine that this would be a good setup for another one of those 2 minute matches. You would be mistaken. Even if this is broken up into clips, which I don’t know if it is or not, its still longer than the entire show before it combined, and consists of Men’s Teioh doing move, after move, after move to these scrubs who seems to make the smallest possible effort to fight back.

Then, as he gets close to finishing the list, things start to get interesting. The two random sumo guys who came to the ring with him, mysteriously choose to attack him out of nowhere, resulting in Men’s Teioh making the thong wearing fatties fall all over each other like a wacky Three Stooges skit. Then Teioh beats some more people up, and then, with only ONE move left to complete, who should emerge from the crowd but the one, the only, the legend…

TAKA MICHINOKU!

TAKA jumps into the ring, and slaps on a sleeper hold. Teioh reverses it, hits his Spinning Toe Hold, and wheeeeee!

Post match, all the people Teioh was just kicking the shit out of jump all over him congratulating him. So his friends are enemies, and his enemies are friends? Controversial guy. They then all celebrate together, and the scrubs carry him off to the back. Not bad for a man in a loin cloth.

50 out of 100

Match time: 8 minutes and 32 seconds.



Men’s Teioh over the Challenge. I think.






Segment 5 – Fluorescent Light Tube Match – The Great Sasuke (MPW) & Takashi Sasaki (Apache Pro Wrestling) & Ryuji Itou (BJW) vs. Yuukoh Miyamoto (666) & Isami Odaka (Union Pro Wrestling) & Saburo Inamatsu (K-DOJO)

Cewsh: Jesus fuck, not another light tube match!

Alright, I’ll try to be professional about this.

Out comes the team without Sasuke on it at first, and they’re wearing little light tube halos on their heads, which is adorable and kind of deranged. Then out comes the Suicide Legend himself, The Great Sasuke, and the party gets started. I have to give these guys credit. They show absolutely unheard of restraint, by actually waiting a few minutes before actually breaking any light tubes over each other. Almost like they realize that BUILDING to light tube shots might be more effective than just doing it willy nilly for no reason. CRAZY IDEA, right IWA: EC?

That restraint disappears after awhile, and they get down to the business of racking up all sorts of charges to the janitorial staff’s expense account. Its important to note right now, for the record, that these light tubes are entirely legit, and most of these guys are shirtless. One moment in particular was insane, as one guy kept taking tubes and kicking them apart all over another guy’s chest in the corner. You could actually see the blood blossom and flow every time he did it, seeing as its ACTUAL SHARP SHIT going on here.

Then The Great Sasuke spends upwards of 5 minutes trying to build a log fort out of light tubes, only to be thrown into them. Then he does it again, but the cabin wont stay still. He finally gets it to work, sets up several chairs around it, assumes the Karate Kid crane pose on top of one of them, and then gets destroyed into his cabin. He then he gets an Elijah Express (Running Double Knees to the chest in the corner) done to him, with light tubes of course. A Tombstone onto light tubes, a Swanton with light tubes done to him. And still the Prince of Deathmatch Comedy is standing! I know for a fact that I should hate this match. Hate the stupid light tube gimmick, hate that spottiness of it all, hate how zany and crazy everything is. But the truth is that I can’t. Somehow its just so fucking entertaining, that I actually find myself enjoying this detestable display.

These guys FUCK EACH OTHER UP. There’s no other way to say it. I’ve seen knife fights with less brutality, and big budget Hollywood movies with less comedic insight and timing. What an unexpectedly crazy fun match this was. Geez.

72 out of 100

Vice: Matches involving glass should always go on last. Broken glass fucking sucks, and you know that not every piece gets swept off the canvas at the end of the match. There’s a disgusting spot where one guy is dazed in the corner, and the other guy comes up to him with a BOX of light tubes, and one by one holds them up to the guy’s chest and kicks them into dust. Fucking OUCH.

This all looks incredibly painful. You know what it’s not? IWA:EC. This is the real deal.

Such a brutal and fucking downright disgusting and gruesome match. Sasuke’s role in the match made me piss myself laughing a number of times, which was pretty great. Everyone is covered in blood.

Fucking ow. The match shits on pretty much anything in America, deathmatch-wise. So, fuck you CZW. Fuck you IWA. Fuck you all. You’re NOTHING. Watch and learn.

Match Time: 16 minutes and 11 seconds.




I Have No Idea over What The Fuck Did I Just See?



Segment 6 – The Torch Man Cometh.

Cewsh: The guy with the torch seems lost in the parking lot, with his still lit torch. UNTIL A HOODLUM RUNS OUT AND STEALS IT FROM HIM!

What a fiend! But then a man with a hat shooting fireworks runs out to defend the honor of the torch bearer! He’s dressed in drag, and when the torch bearer thanks him for his help, the guy pulls out a BAZOOKA and lights one end on fire, shooting out an enormous line of flame, and he chases the torch bearer down the street. True story, man. True story.

Anyone want to take a stab at finding a metaphor for that?



Segment 7 – Battlearts Rules Match – Munenori Sawa (Battlarts) and HARASHIMA(DDT) vs. Hikaru Sato (Pancrase Mission) and Seishi Takeda (STYLE-E)

Cewsh: One of these men is a tutu, with little bunny ears. These are your up and coming stars ladies and gentlemen.

Actually, despite my whining about bunny ears, and men’s lingerie (his outfit of choice for promos), this is actually the kind of match that I was expecting when we chose out this show in the first place. A hard hitting, and tremendously entertaining match between four young guys trying to make a name for themselves. Its an interesting match, though they make very little use of the gimmick (only submissions and failure to reach a ten count decide the match), and there is so much kicking that somebody owes Bruce Lee a royalty check. The real star here is the mysterious (well, only to me really) man in the grey trunks. Whichever of these four names he was (I’m leaning towards him being Munerori Sawa), he is the future star of this show as far as I’m concerned. Every move he makes drips energy and charisma, and he’s just a firecracker in the ring, who still manages to be silky smooth much of the time. I wish I could tell you to keep an eye out for him, but I can only only guess at which guy he was. So yeah. Not very helpful.

It should also be apparent, at this point, that this is, in fact, not a clip show at all. Apparently the first two matches either really were 2 minutes long, or were clipped to save time, and the more important matches were given free reign over the rest of the card, because ever since the Men’s Teioh thingy, everyone has been taking their goddamn time. So yeah. I don’t know what that’s all about.

70 out of 100

Vice: The guy in the gray kicks ass. Brilliant bastard. TNA should sign him.

Awesomely fun match overall. No idea who anyone in the ring was, but I enjoyed all of them. Especially Mr. Grayshorts who was all kinds of excellent. These guys might be famous in Japan, but I’ve never heard of them and THAT IS A FUCKING PROBLEM. Seriously, I’d like to see more of these guys. Maybe a show from the promotion. They weren’t incredible or anything, but they put on a really fun match that hopefully got them a lot of attention.

This is one of the things I love about Japan and the indies, and even TNA: multiple organizations. It’s what I hate about WWE, because in WWE-land there is only WWE. There is no such thing as Japan. There are no such things as independent promotions. Just WWE. Anything you do elsewhere means nothing. Here we are in Japan, and a ton of guys from a ton of promotions are going at it. One, to prove dominance, and two, to give exposure to others. And yeah, I love how TNA acknowledges other companies. Samoa Joe comes in and they say he was champ in Ring of Honor, the best of the best indy-wise, for nearly two years. That puts him over quite a bit. Then you have guys from Japan coming in with titles. Some of the people on their roster have titles from other organizations. That’s awesome and puts the talent over quite a bit.

More shows like this need to exist. Same with the Ted Petty Invitational, assuming there are still good workers out there. Fuck Drake Younger, by the way.

Match time: I don’t know. Like 15 minutes? I stopped paying attention.




Grey Pants Guy over the Other Guys Following An Abdominal Stretch.



Segment 8 – Torch On Fire. Strong Desire.

Cewsh: We go back to the streets, where the Torch Bearer has apparently escaped the evil S&M pyromaniac, and he’s jogging down the sidewalk. All of a sudden, as he continues to lope down the sidewalk, the song “Heart’s On Fire” from Rocky IV starts blaring, as he charges heroically, or at leasts staggers forward while huffing and puffing. I’m am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you that this is the funniest thing I have seen on a wrestling show in I don’t know how long. This puffy old man in a powder blue robe, carrying a torch down the streets of Japan to Heart’s On Fire made me have to bite my lip savagely to keep from bursting out laughing and waking up everyone for a 2 block radius.

God I love Japan. I LOVE Japan.



Segment 9 – Yutaka Yoshie (DRADITION) and Shingo Takagi (DRAGON GATE) vs. Hiroshi Hino (K-DOJO) and TAKEMURA (Tokyo Gurentai)

Cewsh: I haven’t seen nearly enough of Shingo Takagi, which is crazy since he’s become something of a big star now for Dragon Gate, so I’m definitely welcoming this opportunity. Especially since this is a reunion of sorts between Takagi and Yoshie, who were both originally from the prestigious Animal Hammaguchi Gym. Which is a dandy as fuck place to be from, even if Yoshie does look like a big pink panda here.

Takagi is, in a word, impressive. He’s lightning fast, surprisingly strong, has a great look, great charisma, and he can seriously go in the ring. I honestly can’t say enough about how impressed I was with him here, after only having seen snippets of him before. He would be the clear and natural choice to be my up and coming star from this show, but the fact is that he’s pretty much already there whether I crown him or not. He’s a star for Dragon Gate, and doesn’t need a rub from me. His partner, on the other hand, is a perfectly capable big man wrestler, though his very first offensive move in this match was the Stink Face, so make of that, and him, what you will. Hiroshi Hino is, of course, Hiroshi Hino, and as such is an amusing bastard to watch as he messes with everyone and then blatantly tells them to suck it. He’s high quality, and I’m glad he’s in K-DOJO these days, training up them young folk. The other guy, I’m sorry to say, I hardly even noticed at all. He was just outshined by the other guys in this match with him. That seems harsh, but it really is the simple truth.

This match is what it is. It’s a showcase for Takagi and, to a lesser extent, Yoshie. Its fun, and had me interested, but there’s not a ton of substance here. It is what it is. It is not, for example, a ham sandwich. Words to live by.

68 out of 100

Vice: I thought this was a pretty good match. It was a bit too long for my liking, but it did everything it needed to do and it felt fairly important.. so I can’t really complain or anything. The action was solid, there was some story here and there, and it had fairly good pacing. It wasn’t a waste of time, and that’s the important thing. Not much else to say about it, really.

Match time: Just long enough for me to be done with looking at Yoshie’s ass touching people.




Shingo Takagi over TAKEMURA Following a Sitout Death Valley Driver (Which Probably Has An Actual Name).


Segment 10 – I Love The Night Life. I Love To Boogie.

Cewsh: Torch Bearer is still bearing the torch. Consider yourself informed.

Then, they go picture in picture to show a bunch of Japanese chicks singing the torch bearer an inspiring song. How did they know he’d need this pick me up when this was recorded earlier in the day? Tremendously convenient for our trusty Torch Bearer. Anyway, several ladies serenade him for several minutes, including some of the most famous Joshi faces of all time. I have no idea what it is that they were singing, but it damn sure seemed inspiring. Run torch guy! Run! Penetrate the night, as you have penetrated my heart!

Segment 11 – Minoru Suzuki (Pancrase Mission) & Yoshihiro Takayama (Takayama Doh) vs. Keita Yano (Battlarts) & Shinya Ishikawa (BJW)

Cewsh: Oh boy. Suzuki and Takayama on one side, and unknown scrubs on the other?

This is going to be a slaughter.

See, Suzuki has been a freelancer for a long time, so he isn’t loyal to anything or anyone except for himself. As a freelancer who happens to also be a big name still to this day, he’s one of those guys that the promotions bring in from time to time to freshen up their main event scene. This is a mistake, because Minoru Suzuki sucks a dick at professional wrestling. His heart has always blatantly been in MMA, but he was never good enough to parlay his wrestling success over to there, so instead he just beats people the fuck up in his real job and everyone is happy to see the back of him when he leaves.

Yoshihiro Takayama, on the other hand, is one of those legends who isn’t actually a legend. Pro Wrestling NOAH would certainly like for us to BELIEVE that he’s a legend, but he’s really never done a single thing worthy of such a claim, and even if he had, he would still, now, be a big fat fuck with badly dyed blonde hair. His offense is so lame and weak that you might well prefer to get destroyed by Suzuki rather than have to sell for it.

Suzuki and Takayama murder these two kids. Absolutely bludgeon them for 15 minutes. Then they get a mini comeback, and then Suzuki kicks a guy so hard that he flies into the third row, legit, from the ring apron. It doesn’t really get better for the kids after that. Giood job paying your dues, kids. See you in a few years when you’ve gained some weight, and its time for your real push. This match was a prolonged beating. If that’s your thing then, well, hear you go.

55 out of 100

Vice: This was such a great beating. Seriously, the jobbers just got killed. It wasn’t a short squash match either. It was horribly long. Dues were paid like whoa. What a fucking fantastic beating. Loved it.

More squash matches need to be like this. A big angry bastard beating some jobber up in 20 seconds with 2 or 3 power moves is lazy and stupid. Have them beat the utter shit out of someone for 5-8 minutes to create a character or [i]something[/i]. RAAAAAWWWWWR *chokeslam* 1-2-3~! ANGRY POSE~! is so lame. I want to see someone get killed to the point where I legitimately feel bad for the jobber, which then in turn makes the squasher look amazing. Yeah. Not that hard.

Match time: Too long.




Suzuki and Takayama over Those Poor Kids Following a Cradle Piledriver.


Segment 12 – Makoto Oishi (K-DOJO) and Shinjitsu Nohashi (MPW) and Tigers Mask (Osaka Pro Wrestling) and Daisuke Masaoka (DEP) vs. KAGETORA (Freelance) and Hiroshi Yamato (AJPW) and Shinobu (666) and KUSHIDA (Hustle)

Cewsh: I don’t know who a single one of these people are. We’ll discover them together.

I knew that there was a lot of time in this show, and that the idea of the show was to make and display new stars. But holy shit. They gave these eight guys over half an hour of time to play with, and they used it to absolutely tear the house down. The action is absolutely nonstop, but its never so fast that it loses focus. The crowd is into the damn match every step of the way, and everyone in it looks like a million and a half dollars. Special mentions definitely go to Tigers Mask and Shinjitsu Nohashi, both of whom are the epitome of brilliance here, and deserve to be heard of from now on.

I don’t even know what to say. This is the match that this show was designed for, at least, so far as I always thought. Everyone looked amazing and the match never got boring for a second. Mission accomplished, gentlemen.

78 out of 100

Vice: What a fucking match.

It gave me the same sort of feeling that the Dragon Gate matches in ROH gave me. Mainly the big one during Wrestlemania weekend, which Meltzer gave five stars. This match was just insanity. It was a giant spotfest, but it was so much fun to watch. Everything was so smooth and flowed so well. People were beating all kinds of fuck out of each other and flying all over the place. It had negative story, BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES?

I loved it.

Match time: Like 34 minutes!




KAGETORA over Daisuke Masaoka Following A Shooting Star Press.



Segment 13 – The Eye of the Tiger.

Cewsh: Our Torch Bearer, exhausted from his endless run, collapses in the street. But a nice old man raises him up, encourages him, slaps him in the face, relights his torch, and sends him on his way. Seriously, with all the help he’s getting, I keep expecting him to show up at Mount Doom to cast the torch into the damn volcano already.



Segment 14 – Kengo Mashimo (K-DOJO) and Daisuke Sekimoto (BJW) and Atsushi Aoki (Pro Wrestling NOAH) vs. Mammoth Sasaki (Apache Pro Wrestling) and Yoshihito Sasaki (Freelance) and Shuji Ishikawa (Union Pro Wrestling)

Cewsh: Starting off, these guys all actually get individual entrances, which is definitely a first for this show so far. This is the main event, though, after all. So even though I’ve only heard of one of these people before (NOAH’s bright up and comer, Atsushi Aoki), it definitely seems like they’re all big names, getting special treatment over the rest of this card.

Unfortunately, they don’t manage to do a ton to actually earn it. This match is ever bit as plodding and boring as the last match was fast an exciting. This match got even LONGER as well, clocking in at around 45 minutes, and it just didn’t deserve that kind of time or dedication. Nobody in the match really managed to rise above the rest and stand out, and the group as a whole failed to provide anything truly compelling.

I want to have more to say, but what else is there? This match was a serious let down. A pale imitation of better matches on the same show. Not main event quality, is an understatement.

43 out of 100

Vice: Vagina.

Match time: A fucking eternity.




Yawn over ZzzZZzzzzZzzZZZzz.



Segment 15 – The Culmination Of Great Events.

Cewsh: The Torch Bearer shows up, only to learn that he’s missed the entire show. He then hands the torch to a random passerby who happens to be NAOMICHI MARUFUJI! (Cewsh Note: Turned out not to be Naomichi Marufuji.) Fuji (Cewsh Note: Still not Marufuji) then runs off into the night with the torch. And so the tale goes on and on….

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Cewsh’s Condominium:


Cewsh: Well this show was an odd study. Wacky comedy, crazy deathmatches, and then alot of potential crammed into the last hour or two. At first I was incredibly frightened that it was all going to be one big clip show, but it turned out alright. The final score doesn’t really indicate how things actually were, and I really did enjoy this show, more or less, from start to finish. Also, if I gave ratings for segments, this show would score off the charts. OFF. DA. CHARTS.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 55.6 out of 100



Vice’s Ventriloquist:


Vice: I really wish the first few matches weren’t just clips, because this show was pretty goddamn entertaining for what it was. Wasn’t loaded with star power (perhaps in the traditional sense), really, but you could tell these guys were hungry to put on a show. The main event bored the shit out of me, but aside from that it was a very solid show. The segments with the torch runner were amazing. Japan is so fantastic when it comes to random shit that’s awesome.

Vice’s Final Score: 70 out of 100

And now, as has become customary for independent and Japanese shows, in place of Vice’s Awards, we have a Vice’s Video to document and summarize this wrestling show experience. Enjoy, and salutations. Its one of my favorite wrestling videos of all time, and for good reason.

Well that does it for us here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters for this week, and what a week it has been. We learned important lessons about deception and Vice actually gave a show a better score than I did. I know. Unthinkable and slightly scary. Its okay, though. Its okay. We’ll be welcomed back to the warm embrace of the WWE, with Judgment Day next Tuesday. Until then ladies and gentlemen, keep reading, and be good to one another.

WWE Armageddon 2008

Cewsh: There are plenty of things that you MAY be watching this show to see, but history will remember it for only one reason. This is Jeff Hardy’s coming of age. And we could prattle on all day about anything else, but there’s your draw. Come feel the excitement as the Charismatic Enigma ascends to the throne.

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World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE ARMAGEDDON 2008

Welcome, oh luminaries of the internet for another hotly anticipated installment of Cewsh and Vice (and occasionally other people, Ms. Cewsh especially) review wrestling! Here tonight we have a special treat for you as Vice and I team up for the very first time to tackle a WWE PPV. Will our TNA chemistry carry over to the big leagues, or will we begin a downward spiral into obscurity? Like your hero always says, “I’m Cewsh, get me a sandwich.” That probably wasn’t relevant here, but I really am quite hungry. Little help?

Now, as I’m sure you all know, we go to great lengths to avoid spoilers of any kind, or information prior to the show. All we have to go on is what we see on tv (and in Vice’s case usually not even that). With that in mind let’s have a swingin’ good time, and do some reviewing or something. I don’t know. I should have taken up knitting.

Segment 1 – At Armageddon There Will Be Armageddon!

Cewsh: Every year they product an opening video for Armageddon that is just absurdly over the top and ridiculous. Talking about epic wars and titanic struggles, and other bombastic adjectives to describe dudes beating each other up, they play it up like something damn near biblical. And then, generally, the show sucks. Because this is, after all, kind of traditionally a throwaway PPV. But we’ve got a great card tonight, so let’s see where it takes us. Oh, and for the record, the set is a FUCKING CASTLE. I love it when WWE loses their minds.


Segment 2 – Matt (The ECW Totally Counts As A World Title Right?) Hardy vs. Vladamir (If He Dies, He Dies) Kozlov.

Cewsh: Opening the show, somewhat to my surprise, are Hardy and Kozlov. It always interests me how over Hardy is, and how it took them so long to capitalize on the drawing power of both he and his brother. People are going nuts for Hardy in this match, and seemed really into the whole contest. Anyway, these two have themselves a match and it’s a good one, made better actually by Todd Grisham and Matt Striker at the announce table. When they won the Slammy last week for “Best Announce Team” I thought it was odd, but they are just quite good and have great chemistry, and they really made this match better, which is the job of any good announce team.

Hardy and Kozlov have themselves a much better match than I thought they’d have together, and it was a great little opening match between a strong face and heel to get the crowd pumped up. I have no idea what these two men will do from here, as they both seem to basically be out of opponents, but they both earned their meal ticket tonight.

75 out of 100.

Vice: Koslov/Hardy – WWE is NEXT!

Solid opening match, really. Nothing outstanding, but certainly not bad at all. I’m not familiar with the rest of this card, but this doesn’t seem like it was the best choice of match to open the show with, due to its somewhat slow nature. Factor in Koslov winning and it’s definitely a questionable choice.

Glad to see Koslov go over here ‘cause he’s a beast. Hardy looked strong in defeat, so no worries to him. I do tend to hate champions losing non-title matches though, especially if they’re clean. If they lost, then, well, they’re not the best now are they? Will Koslov demand an ECW title shot now that he beat the ECW champ?

Vladamir Kozlov over Matt Hardy With Some Kind Of Chokeslam/Spinebuster Thing.



Segment 3 – La Familiar.

Cewsh: Edge, Vickie, and Chavo are hanging out backstage, and Chavo wants to know how Edge and Vickie managed to knock out Jeff Hardy before his Survivor Series match. Vickie denies any and all involvement in this. I’m not sure EXACTLY where they’re going with this, but I have a few speculative ideas.

THE RETURN OF REPO MAN IS NIGH! HARDY DIDN’T PAY HIS PARKING TICKETS.

Ahem. Probably not.


Segment 4 – Hornswaggle Taps Dat Ass.

Cewsh: Hornswaggle is running around the backstage area, hitting Eve with a plastic, blow up toy (minds out of the gutter) when Finlay shows up and tells Horny that he has to stay in the back during Finlay’s match, so that he won’t get hurt by that big meany, Mark Henry. This being wrestling, obviously there’s no way he will disobey his father’s wishes.





Segment 5 – Number 1 Contendership For the Intercontinental Title – Rey (Real Men Wear Pink) Mysterio vs. CM (Cookie Monster) Punk.

Cewsh: This now, this is the reason I like reviewing these shows. Every once in awhile a really special match up happens, and I get the chance to watch it and let people know whether it was really up to par and worth investing time and effort into seeing. So would I say that this match here, between two of the more entertaining workers in the business today, vying over the right to face internet darling William Regal and going all out to deliver a fantastic match is worth your time and effort to track down and watch?

Oh hell yeah.

This match was just all fast speed, downhill racing. Mysterio and Punk just threw everything but the kitchen sink at each other for 15 minutes. Just full speed, crazy near falls, an awesome finish. Everything you want and more, here it is folks. Does it even need saying?

87 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Vice: Punk/Rey – It could be a new area code!

By the power of REYSKULL!

This is the match that should have opened the show. Much faster and more exciting than the Hardy/Koslov match, which would make this the better choice. Plus, both Punk and Rey are quite over, so it’d work. Great finish, with Punk breaking Rey’s little fucking face in. Pretty fucking good match.

CM Punk over Rey Mysterio with the Go 2 Sleep.


Segment 6 – There’s Gonna Be Some Trouble Tonight…

A very Royal Rumble, that’s right!
We’ll step into the ring, we’ll reach an understanding,

When the smoke is cleared I’ll be the last man standing, Toniiiiiight.


I’m gonna settle every score tonight,
They’ll take back every word they said tonight,
I’m gonna show ‘em the door, be they saints or sinners,
‘Cause there can only be one Royal Rumble winner.


Toniiiiiight.

Ah memories.



Segment 7 – Jeff Hardy Is The Ghost Of Christmas Past.

Cewsh: Jeff Hardy cuts a pretty impassioned promo (for him) with this sort of odd green lighting effect, and sort of only showing part of his face. Basically you’d have to see it to know what I’m talking about, but at any rate he cuts a pretty good promo, and I don’t know, I actually like this whole new thing from him. He’s definitely more dynamic now, and the fans certainly seem to have taken to it readily. I know a lot of people roll their eyes at the whole thing but I want to see where it goes from here. They’ve got me intrigued.



Segment 8 – JBL and Shawn Michaels Talk About Some Things.

Cewsh: Michaels cuts an emotional promo about how he had to sell out for his family, and how he doesn’t much like it. I liked it, Vice hated it. I imagine you’ll be somewhere in between. The really interesting part, though, was when Shawn very passionately talked about not becoming a washed up wrestler working in a high school gym. Goosebumps there for me personally.

Segment 9 – Team Orton? The Second Generation Saints? Rude Dudes With ‘Tudes?

Cewsh: So yeah, whatever this little stable is called they talk about Orton’s match with Batista and talk up how Batista just doesn’t have the god given talents that they do. And by “they said that” I mean Rhodes and Manu. Rhodes is kind of becoming the mouthpiece of this little group, and that makes for an interesting dynamic that I wouldn’t have expected. Also, Manu is worthless. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Segment 10 – Finlay (Social Security Number: 1) vs. Mark (O’) Henry.

Cewsh: This match was absolutely, mind numbingly dull. I have not one redeeming word to say about it.

You might like it. I did not.

33 out of 100

Vice: Finlay/Henry – Not just a trash can lid!

Typical brawl right here. It had some potential on paper, but never really took off.

Filler, yo. Filler.

I’m not really sure what to say beyond that, so I’m going to rant about my TV’s lamp burning out and needing to buy a new one to bring my 57” HD monster back to life. It fucking sucks. However, it means that I get to use the good Xbox in the living room with my LCD TV. So.. I don’t really have many complaints. If you prefer the small TV for games and don’t watch TV, why do you have such a massive TV? That is a good question, actually. Because it makes me better than you?

Yeah. I’ll go with that.

Finlay over Mark Henry With An International Object Shot.


Segment 11 – ??????

Cewsh: …………………….

Um. Hmm. Well. Yeah. Santino, Boogeyman, Divas, Goldust. You should probably see this for yourself.



Segment 12 – Kennedy Reads Cewsh Reviews…?

Cewsh: Kennedy is in this segment encouraging people to be safe this holiday season, and takes a jab at his wellness suspension while he’s at it. But along the way he COMPLETELY STEALS MY PSA BIT.

Prick.

Segment 13 – Randy (Best Thing In Wrestling Today) Orton vs. Ba (Best Thing In Wrestling 4 Years Ago) Tista.

Cewsh: Here we are, the two stable mates from Evolution having their first serious match since they’ve both become main eventers. The clash of huge names and huge egos. But before we get to that whole thing, allow me to vent a little. Attention wrestling fans. When you go to a wrestling show and watch a wrestling product, you are actually part of the product itself. You may, conceivably, be seen on a live broadcast to millions and millions of people all across the world. So if you decide to do the wave because you’re bored (which happened during the Finlay/Henry match), then please, at least understand how much of a douche you look like, and understand that it is not clever, nor is it funny when you start chanting things that make no sense and have nothing to do with anything. If you don’t like the product, maybe don’t buy a ticket, or at least just boo. Even “Boring” chants are okay. But this cute little bullshit where every smark thinks they’re a special little snowflake needs to stop.

Ahem. Alright, now that that is out of my system, there’s a match here. The crowd, which had been pretty dead and awful all night, really came alive for this match. Orton was predictably brilliant in his heel role, and essentially upstaged Batista to no end during this match. Don’t get me wrong, Batista kept up his end of the bargain, certainly, and it wasn’t all just Orton putting on this very good match, but Orton is just something truly special in this role he has now, and it’s hard to peel your eyes off of him.

Great match, hot crowd (for once), good times.

 
81 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval.

Vice: Orton/Batista – Evil intentions!

I was hoping this match would have a lot more intensity. Some FIRE. It’s a pretty big fucking match, all things considered. Bigger than Armageddon, I’d say, but it’s nice to see a smaller PPV getting a big match.

It picked up a lot towards the end and had a good finish, and overall was a pretty damn good match. Still, I hoped it would be better considering how damn good Orton and Big Dave can be and how big the match could have been. Very enjoyable though.

Batista over Randy Orton With The Batista Bomb.

Segment 14 – Team We’re Teaming For No Reason (Mickie James, Michelle McCool, Maria, and Kelly Kelly) vs. Team We’re Heels And Stuff (Maryse, Natalya, Jillian Hall and Victoria).

Cewsh Notes:

– Ugh. Alright, they’re all dressed in Santa or Elf costumes, and if that’s the kink that gets your motor running, so to speak, then this is totally up your alley.

– Maryse has some star quality I think. There’s something rare about her.

– Kelly Kelly is improving a great deal and I respect the effort she’s making.

– ZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzZzzzZzzzzzzzzzzzZ.

– Michelle McCool used the Style’s Clash. Seriously? Awful.

12 out of 100.

Vice: Women!

It’s hard to get into what the divas do. At the end of the day, they parade around the ring in ridiculous costumes. How can I take them seriously? Why should I give half a fuck?

WHY IS MICHELLE MCCOOL USING THE STYLES CLASH!? Fuck her. Fuck her with a rusty chainsaw in her anal cavity known as her mouth. Seriously, she just needs to fuck off. And die. Why, Undertaker? Why?

Team We’re Teaming For No Reason over Team We’re Heels Right?

Cewsh: After the match, the Great Khali comes out to new, more friendly music. 10 minutes later he makes out with Mae Young.

Goddamn it.


Segment 15 – A Prince of Persia Commerical.

Cewsh: Yes. A Commercial. DURING A PAY PER VIEW.

Segment 16 – World Heavyweight Championship – John (Vice’s Favorite) Cena© vs. Chris (Cewsh’s Favorite) Jericho.

Cewsh: Okay, if you know the man at all, you know better than to think that Cena is actually Vice’s favorite. In fact, if you were to replace “favorite” with “bane of existence” it probably still wouldn’t quite say it. I’m quite a bit more of a fan of Cena’s, but the last time Chris Jericho and John Cena had a match, it was panned so terribly in our review that it almost discouraged Ms. Cewsh from ever reviewing (watching) another show. I know some people seem to have liked it, and it was what it was, but I don’t have a ton of faith for the quality of this match.

This match was, well. Alright look. If you liked their last match, this one was much, much better. And there wasn’t anything really wrong with this match persay, but there just wasn’t any emotion in it for me. I just struggle to buy their feud, and Cena has been a little off for me since his return. Couple that with the fact that these guys just don’t have much chemistry together, and it just makes for a match that I had trouble getting into.

Don’t let my opinion alone dictate whether or not you see this as it is all my personal thoughts on this one, and I’m not sure that I can see things through the eyes of someone who enjoyed their first match together, but I have to review this from my point of view, because I don’t have any other to offer.

76 out of 100

Vice: Cena/Jericho – The WWE Universe is grumbling in Buffalo!

You all know how I feel about Cena matches. It’s a game of Halo when Edge is downloading porn, and thus making it a horrendously laggy experience. You sneak up on a guy and stick a grenade to the back of his head. Then another grenade. Then you blow him up with a rocket. Then another. Then you reload and hit him with another two rockets. Then you empty a full clip of bullets into him. Then another. When you run out of ammo, you whack him in the face with your gun. Then again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Then he turns around, shoots you with one assault rifle bullet that hits you in the pinky toe and you die a horrible death. You want to scream and you damn Microsoft for making their controllers wireless and expensive, knowing that if you throw it, it’s going to go pretty fucking far and cost you a lot to replace.

The match did follow that formula (big surprise), but it was a good match. Jericho is really good right now. Not a match I’d ever watch again, nor did I want to watch in the first place, but I can see why others might like it. Or even love it.

John Cena over Chris Jericho With The STFU.


Segment 17 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Triple (I Can Haz Title Back Now?) H vs. Jeff (Zombie) Hardy vs. Edge© (Not Cewsh).

Cewsh: Alright, let me preface this by saying that I had the finish spoiled for me by multiple people, which was really just fantastic guys. Appreciated. Anyway, here we have quite a big name main event, and going in I really didn’t know who was going to win. The smart money was obviously on Edge retaining and holding the title until Wrestlemania to face Hardy there. But who knows, man? It definitely seems like they have a plan in the works here.

Good match. The crowd was white hot for everything Hardy did, but was basically quiet for both Edge and Triple H. I wanted to like this match more, but since I knew the finish (again, thanks guys) it was hard to muster the interest in this 20+ minutes match. Purely from a match standpoint though, it’s a high quality Triple Threat. Not quite at the Benoit/Michaels/Triple H level or even at the Undertaker/Angle/Rock level, but its definitely a good match to watch.

Some of the spots though. Man, even as apathetic as having it spoiled for me had made me, there’s a spot involving all three men and the announce tables that woke me out of my stupor, and was about as cool a move as I’ve ever seen. The ending too, was white hot. Anybody could have won the match, and there was a really unpredictable feel to the whole thing. And man, the pop at the end of the match, was as big and honest of one as I’ve ever heard in wrestling. What a moment.

83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval.

Vice: Hardy/HHH/Edge – Good God!

Hardy wiiiiiins. Unfortunately I had this match spoiled for me also, so Hardy getting the strap was not the HOLYFUCKINGSHIT moment it could have been, but it was still pretty awesome to see. Hopefully he can stay off the drugs, especially now that he has added pressure from being THE top guy. Kinda risky putting the title on him knowing his history and knowing that he’s one bad piss test away from going byebye. Also glad to see him win the title unexpectedly at a smaller show than something more predictable like Wrestlemania, even though that’d make an equally great moment if not even greater. Surprises are good and can be just as satisfying. Good match, too.

Jeff Hardy over Triple H and Edge With The Swanton Bomb On Edge.


———————————————————————————————





Cewsh’s Competence:

Cewsh: Helluva show, helluva show. Even though the show itself didn’t quite exactly live up to the potential of the card, this show was still pretty much better than a blow off December PPV has any real right to be. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that something has started here with this show. Something important, and maybe something industry changing. But who knows, maybe I’m just caught up in the moment. Either way, this is a show worth watching. But to prove that definitively, let’s tally it up:

Cewsh’s Final Score: 441 out of 700.


I may be mistaken, but I think that’s the best score I’ve ever given a show that we’ve reviewed so far. Not only that but three, count ‘em, THREE matches that I recommend downloading. Also a first. Just remember, if I didn’t say download it, STAY AWAY.

Vice’s Viks Vapor Rub:

Vice: Overall a highly enjoyable show from start to finish. Armageddon tends to be a throwaway event, but this year it exceeded all expectations and delivered in many ways. Usually the Wrestlemania hype begins right around the time of the Rumble, but now it’s starting much sooner. This is good. Kudos to WWE here. They’ve had a pretty amazing year in terms of PPVs and what a way to cap off the year.



Well that does it for a another two weeks for us here at Cewsh Reviews… Headquarters. We’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas/Hannakuh/Kwanza/Boxing Day/Laundry Day and a Happy New Year. And for all of us to all of you, we would just like to say that all we want for Christmas, is some booking that makes sense. Thank you all, and good night.

TNA Final Resolution 2008

Cewsh: As we moved towards the end of the first calender year of Cewsh Reviews…, Vice made his triumphant return here, and things started to settle in to a groove. Vice debuted his Awards here, which have remained probably the most popular part of the reviews to this day. I briefly attempted to talk Ms. Cewsh into doing this show as well, and the laughter rose through the air, sailed through the wind current down to Florida, and settled into the ears of a Mr. Jarrett, who shed a single tear.

———————————
Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Final Resolution 2008

Welcome to the show, ladies and gents. Cewsh here; ready to delight you, excite you, and buy your girlfriend some flowers, (because you always forget). As you may have noticed, the ever curmudgeonly Vice has rejoined us this review. He’s here to shine a little of his purple light on our dreary, washed-out lives. While you may have gotten your hopes up for another edition of Ms. Cewsh, wittily telling you about the women she would like to fornicate with, you’ll just have to wait until she makes her triumphant return at the Royal Rumble. Much like John Cena, this part year.

Here we are to review Final Resolution, the last TNA pay-per-view of 2008. It’s been a long year for TNA, fraught with many successes and far more failures. As usual, they seem to be on the cusp of greatness. Will this be the night they put it all together? Or will they crash and burn, like we all expect them to?

Segment 1 – TNA Has Been Raiding the History Channel’s Footage Again.

Cewsh: Okay, look, all of these cool opening videos that are meant to make every feud and PPV seem super epic are great. They usually do the job of hyping me up, but seriously, this one just makes no sense. Someone, FDR I think, is preaching about war while Rhino’s godawful promo is going on in the background. It’s just kind of a mess this time out, and hopefully that isn’t indicative of the rest of the show.

Segment 2 – Mike Tenay and Don West Run Down the Card. West Breaks A Sweat.

Cewsh: The card seems fine. Not bad; certainly not good. Just fine. According to the main event stipulations, Sting can actually lose the World Title tonight, without having to physically be beaten by anyone. Hmm, interesting…

Segment 3 – Feast or Fired. Featuring Jay Lethal, Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, Lance Rock, Jimmy Rave, Homicide, Hernandez, Sonjay Dutt, Curry Man, Shark Boy, BG James, Cute Kip and maybe some other guys, I forget

Cewsh: Here’s a helpful public service announcement from Cewsh: The concept of the Feast or Fired match, basically means that on each turnbuckle there’s a pole. Each pole has a briefcase suspended from it. The object is to grab yourself a briefcase and make it to the floor with it, thus making it yours to keep. Inside of the briefcases are a TNA World Heavyweight Title shot, a TNA X Division title shot, a TNA World Tag Team Title shot, and a pink slip (meaning that whoever has that particular case is fired from TNA).

Got it? Alright.

As usual, here are some Cewsh notes:

– BG James is in this? I could have sworn he was an announcer now.

– Man, it doesn’t seem like there’s really anybody in this match worthy of getting a World Title shot. I hope they have a plan to make that one work.

– Ahahaha. Curry Man gets a “Fallen Angel” chant. Welcome to Smarks ‘R Us.

– Lance Rock actually looks like a legitimate monster here, for about 30 seconds. I always thought he could have so much more potential if he just stopped doing X Division moves all the goddamn time and believing his own hype. Test had potential too. The comparison is natural.

– I love Jimmy Rave’s finish. Jesus it’s nasty.

– This match is absolutely insane. In-fucking-sane. What a clusterfuck of awesome spots this is.

– Holy goddamn fuckshit, that ending was absolutely fantastic.

What a goddamn great match this was. Obviously this isn’t a technical classic, but it might very well be the greatest collection of fun spots I’ve seen so far this year. When TNA gets this formula right, they offer some absolutely breathtaking spectacles. Wow. Without a doubt you should watch this match, and just kick back and have a good time watching wrestling.

 
81 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Vice: This match was awesome, so fuck off if you hated it. It’s a ridiculous concept match, but it works nicely. It gets tons of people on the card, it brings out a lot of fun and innovation, TNA can push people further, people can get their push started, and Christopher Daniels gets fired. What’s not to love? Not much story obviously, but tons of fun spots. This is how you open up a show. The fans were fucking HOT.

Really fun finish with Lethal stealing the briefcase. I was thinking that Sabin would steal it from Shelley, so this was quite surprising to say the least. Post-match shenanigans were great. Started off with some fun pawing from Shelley, which turned into Lethal getting a tag title shot and Borash’s unexpected verbal onslaught. I love JB.

Jay Lethal, Curry Man, Homicide, and Hernandez each grab a case.


Segment 4 – They Open the First Case!

Cewsh: The whole case thing actually does make for a great deal of intrigue, and is one of the truly successful gimmicks that TNA has come up with over the years. Jay Lethal is the first one chosen to open his case. He apparently receives a Tag Team Title shot, and The Motor City Machine Guns are not happy about it, seeing as Lethal stole their case at the last second. After the case is opened, Alex Shelley annoys Jeremy Borash until Borash can’t take anymore and verbally lashes out at Shelley, viciously ripping into him. Crazy Borash. That’s definitely a new one.

Vice: Post-match shenanigans were great. Started off with some fun pawing from Shelley, which turned into Lethal getting a tag title shot and Borash’s unexpected verbal onslaught. I love JB.



Segment 5 – Bitches Be Talkin’!

Cewsh: Sharmell talks about ODB, with the assistance of the Beautiful People. She has unkind things to say. Very unkind things indeed. Also, the Beautiful People have issues with all other women. Everywhere. Ever. These are not nice ladies. Sexy as motherfuckers though. They claim that the economy is bad because they own everything. I suppose that would make sense. Also this whole Sarah Palin thing? It’s not going to end well. It’s an instinct I have.

Segment 6 – Sharmell (Is Apparently Going to Go Beyonce On Your Ass) and The Beautiful (Read: Deliriously Attractive) People w. Cute (Why Do I Always get These Gimmicks?) Kip vs. O. (Ornery) D. (Dogfaced) B. (Billy Goat), Taylor (Let’s Get Physical, Physical) Wilde, and (Cewsh Forgot To List Me In This Match, Even After Three Read-Throughs) Roxi

Cewsh: Okay, here we are with the first women’s match of the night. I believe I have made it abundantly clear how I feel about the women’s division in TNA and women’s wrestling in general. Seriously, what is up with this bullshit? The faces in this match are so stale and awful. I want to like Wilde, but she’s wearing some kind of 80’s work out outfit. ODB’s gimmick wore thin 6 months ago. I’m not even going to mention Roxi, mostly because I forgot she was even there.

The Beautiful People are lovely and charming as the bitchy girls we all wanted, but couldn’t have. Sharmell plays the rich housewife from the ghetto to a tee. See, boys and girls, these are called “characters”. They’re what you apply to wrestlers when you want people to care about them.

That’s kind of the story with TNA. The heels have characters and the faces are over, but neither side gets what the other has.

Anyway, this is a perfectly meaningless match. There’s nothing special about it and the Sharmell/ODB feud has no steam whatsoever. Does anybody else miss Gail Kim already?

32 out of 100

Vice: The Knockout division started off real hot with Gail Kim and Awesome Kong. Everything was very fresh and TNA was doing everything right. Now.. not so much. Same old stuff. On the plus side, I’d totally nail Taylor. Oh, right. The match. It was a very generic women’s match. I don’t want to come off as a guy who hates women’s wrestling, but.. yeah. Nothing to write home about. Angelina Love’s nipple was saying hello post-match, which I’m assuming was done on purpose to say sorry for making us sit through that and subtly ask us to pay close attention to her future matches in the event of more wardrobe malfunctions.

Roxi, Taylor Wilde, and ODB over The Beautiful People and Sharmell with a Roll Up.



Segment 7 – Newly Serious Eric Young Is Serious.

Cewsh: Does Eric Young look jacked all of sudden, or is it just me? Anyway, the Machine Guns interrupt and Alex Shelley continues being the most entertaining man in the company, maybe the most entertaining in all of wrestling, as a huge, huge dick. And Chris Sabin continues to not speak a single word in any of their segments. Silent Bob gimmick? Maybe TNA has been getting my letters…



Segment 8 – TNA X Division Title – Sheik Abdul (Wouldn’t Just One of Those Names Have Been Fine?) Bashir vs. Eric (Did You Hear That I’m Serious Now, Because I Am Very Serious About Seriousness) Young

Cewsh: Alright, I get that they’re pushing Eric Young now, and that’s perfectly fine. He’s a good talent with a solid fanbase and a long tenure with TNA. But seriously, they need to repackage him at least a little. Everything from his ring attire, to the entrance video with nothing but his name in it, to his entirely generic music marks him as a jobber. Presentation is everything in wrestling, and they’re missing the boat on this.

Cewsh PSA #2:



Young pinned Bashir awhile back for the title, after the referee (who is also the referee of this match) went crazy and beat up Bashir. They then made Young give Bashir the title back, as a result of the circumstances, and gave Young a match here to make it right.


Cewsh’s PSAs: helping you understand TNAs crazy booking since…earlier in this thread.

So this is a solid match, and Eric Young in particular impressed me with a new, more aggressive style that I really got into. The match didn’t set the world on fire or anything, but it was adequate. The ending, though. Hmm. Well I don’t exactly know where the title stands after this. Doesn’t detract from the match per say, but it does make me wonder where they’ll go from here.

70 out of 100

Vice: Fairly average match with solid action and pacing throughout. Bashir is pretty damn awesome. Eric has always been a solid member of the roster, but depending on his character he can be abysmal or amazing. Right now it’s pretty much right in the middle, but becoming more awesome. He just needs to find that X factor deep within him and he could be huge. Good for Eric winning the title. The ref is brilliant, by the way.

It takes me back to Cewsh and my’s very first TNA PPV, which was one of their anniversary weekly PPVs. Jeff Hardy was rumored to be AJ Styles’ opponent, and we were bored with money to blow. So we ordered it. One of the things that stood out the most was one of the refs getting pissed off and dropkicking one of the wrestlers. We couldn’t stop laughing. So, Shane going bananas and beating the shit out of Bashir took me back a few years ago. It’s good, too. I’ve thought for a while that there needs to be a ref or three that are able to get physical instead of being knocked unconscious for 23 minutes because a drop of sweat flew off a wrestler’s arm and hit them in the shoe.

Eric Young over Sheik Abdul Bashir with a Roll Up after Referee Interference.



Segment 8 – Its Hard To Be A Ref In South Central.

Cewsh: Basically Bashir bludgeons the hell out of the ref and takes the belt. Jim Cornette then comes down and confiscates it from him. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?! Perhaps they will tell us on their episodic, weekly television program!


Segment 9 – TNA Knockouts Title – Christy (My Butt Is Hungry) Hemme vs. Awesome (Tubular!) Kong

Cewsh: I am about to watch Christy Hemme wrestle for a prestigious Women’s Championship. Here’s a small list of thing’s I’d rather watch:

1. A pack of wolverines biting off my right nut.


2. A pack of wolverines biting off Vice’s right nut.


3. Myself biting off Vice’s right nut.

Am I too fixated here? You’d better be thankful for my journalistic integrity.

Alright, this is where you’re expecting me to say that this match is the absolute shits because Hemme sucks. I fully expected to be able to tell you that, but in all fairness, I can’t. Hemme does appear to have worked very, very hard at her craft and is probably better than half of the WWE Divas, which is more of a compliment now than it was when she left. This match was fine, and honestly, it had more of a big fight atmosphere to it than the main event did. It’s a decent to good match. And you know what? Biggest reaction for a women’s match since Gail left. Say what you will, but there it is.

65 out of 100

Vice: Alright, I’m very mixed about this match. It has Kong, which is a massive plus. Then it has Christy Hemme. I began reaching for my canister of cyanide, but figured I’d finish my Mountain Dew before offing myself. I’m glad I didn’t poison myself, to be honest, and that says a lot for Hemme. Do I think she’s improving? A bit, yeah. I liked how it was built up that she was being trained by AJ, and then actually wrestled better afterwards. So many times over the years there are storylines where [awesome person] trains scrub, and then the scrub does the same bullshit they did before, but are just booked stronger and it’s laughable. Hemme actually went above and beyond and made herself AND the angle look credible.

It was a pretty damn good match up until the very end, which annoyed me quite a bit. Hemme hit her finisher, went for the pin, was pulled out of the ring and then got beat up by two people. Ref doesn’t call for the DQ. Hemme strolls back into the ring on the offense again. Yeah, Kong was hit with her finisher, but she’s been booked to survive tons of punishment. Then more interference and finally the DQ. Then a massive squabble with Hemme showing a lot of heart. I just didn’t like how they booked her so strong so fast. They should have ended it when she was initially pulled out of the ring and beaten up. It’d raise intrigue with people thinking she could have won, it adds the mystery of whether she could do it again. Sets up a rematch perfectly. Doesn’t make her look too strong. THEN they could have had the squabble with her showing heart. All nonsense aside, it was a surprisingly good bout.

Christy Hemme over Awesome Kong via DQ when Saide interfered.



Segment 10 – Kurt Angle Is Inflamed With Passion. Needs Ointment.

Cewsh: Borash (who is in every segment of this show) tells Angle about the stipulation for his next match with Rhino. If he wins, he gets to fight Jeff Jarrett at Genesis; but if he loses, he gets fired from TNA. Angle responds by using a lot of wildlife hunting metaphors. Because he’s facing RHINO, get it? A yuck yuck yuck! This is a decent promo actually. Angle is the goods more often than not.



Segment 11 – TNA World Tag Team Titles – Beer Money Inc. (How Do You Parody a Joke?) vs. “The Monster” (of the Midway) Abyss and “The Blueprint” (For Mediocre Big Men) Matt Morgan

Cewsh: Well, this match is kind of an afterthought on this card, and that’s pretty much how it’s presented. The intro to the match, which is very long, really does show off just how great and talented Beer Money Inc. are. I wish I could feel like they’ll be together long enough to actually make something of themselves. This is TNA after all. And I’m the optimistic one! Matt Morgan spends half the match getting his ass kicked, which is fantastic since he’s a huge unstoppable monster, and as such, should absolutely be expected to bump around for everyone who throws a punch at him. And then when he gets some offense in? Sure, why not do dives to the outside. WHY FUCKING NOT?

Beer Money are a fantastic team, one of the best in wrestling right now, honestly. They’ll be even better when they wrestle someone good.

60 out of 100

Vice: The match took a while to officially get started. While it can be effective and awesome, it kinda failed right here in my opinion. If you have heels that are absolutely despised and faces that are absolutely loved, it can be outstanding. But when you have entertaining heels that aren’t reeeaaally hated and a face team that is only somewhat over, it’s just drawn out like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. While it’s not bad, you kinda have to ponder if it could be shortened by quite a bit. They go down the face in peril route with the 7 foot perfect machine Matt Morgan getting his ass handed to him. By a skittish drunk and a cowardly stock broker, mind you. Very standard match. Kinda like a filler match you’d see on a random Impact, but longer. Wasn’t good, wasn’t awful. Just there.

Beer Money Inc. over Matt Morgan and Abyss with a Brass Knuckles Punch.



Segment 11 – Mick Foley Cuts A Promo In Front Of A Huge Poster Of Consequences Creed’s Crotch.

Cewsh: Mick cuts a promo for about 3 seconds before Captain Vignette Interrupter, Alex Shelley, shows up yet again. Shelley demands that Mick overturn the ruling that was made earlier in the evening. Mick doesn’t. I think they want me to believe that these two are going to have a match eventually, but I just don’t see how that would work out. We’ll have to see I guess. And Silent Sabin got a line in! That’s his one line for the movie.



Segment 12 – A Sit In With Shelley and Sabin.

Cewsh: Shelley and Sabin decide to sit in the ring until they get the Tag Title shots they think they deserve. More witty banter from Shelley ensues, leading Jim Cornette to take offense. He goes into the back to find someone capable of getting them out of the ring. The lights go out and….

SUICIDE!


Yes, the masked hero of the TNA Impact video game appears gliding down a rope from the ceiling, to pounding metal music, and lays absolute waste to Shelley and Sabin. I don’t know how I feel about this yet, using a character from their game just sounds idiotic to me, but I won’t lie. It looked really, really cool. I’ll withhold judgment based on what he does in the weeks to come, but…well, presentation is everything. This segment had style.

Segment 13 – Rhino Is Angry. Does This Man Ever Smile? Somebody Needs To Get Him A Candygram.

Cewsh: Rhino gives a very intense promo. It’s very, very intense. It’s not very GOOD, but it’s very intense. Also, I am constantly distracted by Rhino’s comical little mustache. He looks like a demented 80’s porn star who’s had too many chilli dogs.

Segment 14 – Kurt (I See Jarrett) Angle vs. Rhino (Is Suddenly Important Now?) w/ Mick (Moon Pie) Foley as the Special Guest Enforcer

Cewsh: Rhino is out first; looking fat, sweaty, and out of his league. Then, Kurt Angle comes out with the best entrance in wrestling. All I can think of that Angle is slumming it here and deserves better. I don’t understand how a guy in his late 30’s is the head of the youth faction, much less a guy who has been a midcarder for the past decade. All of this just feels wrong to me. The fans definitely seem into this match, but I’m having trouble following suit.

The crowd stayed in this the whole time, but it never really seemed to get out of the blocks as a match. Rhino just doesn’t have it in him to be a strong singles guy. His matches are always a bunch of boring transition moves setting up for his finish. At least when Edge does the Spear, he had a good match before he goes for it. Rhino skips that step. At least that makes it more efficient, I suppose.

This match is ho-hum city, and I really wouldn’t recommend it…

…except that the ending was a bit of a surprise involving the debut/introduction of AL SNOW!

Definitely did not see that one coming. You might, but I didn’t.

 
80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal Of Approval

Vice: Rhino is gay.

Kurt Angle over Rhino with the Angle Slam after Al Snow distracts Mick Foley so Angle could use a chair.


Segment 15 – The Main Event Mafia Get Promo Time!

Cewsh: Sting is rocking the Vice purple. Nice, even if it looks absolutely goofy on him. This is just hyping the main event. Sure Sting, pretend to be a bad guy now. We all know its only just a matter of time…


Segment 16 – The Frontline ALSO Get Promo Time. Yeah, We Get It. There’s A Match.

Cewsh: Styles is coming a long way with his promo skills. It hurts me to see Joe as such an afterthought, though. Not much else to say. It’s a nothing promo.

Segment 17 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – The Medicare Mafia (Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Sting) vs. TNA Frontline (At The Buffet) (Samoa Joe, Brother Ray, Brother Devon, and AJ Styles)

Cewsh PSA: if the Frontline wins this match, then AJ Styles becomes the TNA World Heavyweight champion…for some reason. If the Mafia wins, then Sting retains his title and they get bragging rights. Are we clear? No? Welcome to TNA.

Right from the start, AJ Styles is over like gangbusters and the crowd really comes alive to a surprising degree. They pop for the faces, boo the heels, and in general actually act like a wrestling crowd is supposed to for once. That doesn’t exactly make this the most interesting match to watch of course. In fact, yeah, this match is dullsville. Actually, if you were to go to Dullsville, and locate a dumpster behind the local convenience store, and spent the next 40 minutes reading every Bazooka Joe comic you could find in the dumpster, it would probably be definitively more interesting than the first half of this match is. Plus, I imagine it’d be a character building experience.

It does pick up towards the end though. The heels beat down Joe so bad that they actually had me rooting in my chair for Styles to get tagged in. That’s good heel tag team work. And then, when Styles gets the tag, it’s all blissfully fast paced from there. I’ll tell you what this match does accomplish; it makes Joe and Styles look like huge stars. Since that’s basically the point of this feud, as near as I can figure, it works like a charm.

This match? Well, it was good, but not hugely memorable. The end was great and exciting, but a lot of people may not like it. Honestly, I can’t in good conscience give it my seal of approval.

79 out of 100

Vice: MEM’s theme doesn’t fit them too well. Frontline’s is boring. Solid match that had too much time. They should have chopped 10 minutes off and amped up the action. The story of the match was AJ getting the hot tag, basically. So after an eon of everyone else getting killed in a relatively boring fashion, Styles gets the tag and goes into beast mode. For like 45 seconds. Then he tags Joe back in. Interesting.

To rant a little, I don’t like the Scorpion Death Drop. I really don’t. I hold it in the same regard as Hogan’s leg drop—it was more than acceptable way back in the day, but it just doesn’t cut it anymore. The commentators might chalk it up to Sting being a “master of the move” or whatever, but it’s still very boring and looks incredibly weak compared to the other finishers in TNA. Someone can take 15 chairshots to the skull, get thrown off the ceiling through 8 tables that are on fire, be trampled by a stampede of elephants and raped by a yeti from behind as he smothers their face with ether and still kick out.. but oh shit, Sting put his arm around their neck and fell backwards!? Fuck. He’ll never kick out of that.

The concept of the match was kind of silly, though. I can understand Sting putting his title on the line because he trusts his team, but AJ wins the title if the Frontline wins regardless of who makes the pin? Silly. It does show unity, though—as long as the Frontline has the title and control, there’s no individual greed and jealousy. I suppose that’s alright, but I doubt TNA did that on purpose. Sting walking off with the title and not celebrating with the others is a tad worrying. I’m hoping TNA doesn’t have the Frontline win only because Sting helps them out. Regardless, it’s fairly hard to predict where this is going.

The Main Event Mafia over TNA Frontline when Sting Hit The Scorpion Death Drop On Samoa Joe.


———————————————————————————————-


Cewsh’s Confessional:


Cewsh: Yet another TNA PPV where I feel like the overall show didn’t add up to the sum of its parts. This time I actually liked the show a little bit better than the scores might reflect. This show certainly ain’t perfect, and if you’re a WWE fan, you might not find a whole lot here that looks like what you’re used to. There are too many multi people matches, too many matches ended by roll ups or flukes, and too many matches happening for no reason. But there is still a good show here, if you scrape the gunk off. It’s up to you to find it. Like Narnia. Or an apostrophe in a Cewsh review, before Ms. Cewsh re-types it. Except even harder to find.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 467 out of 800

Vice’s Vicimici:


Vice: Overall a pretty uneventful show that wasn’t worth the $30 I didn’t pay. It was solid throughout but nothing really had IT. I’m giving it a rather generous 5.

Vice’s Final Score: 5

WWE Survivor Series 2008

Cewsh: This is where things start to get interesting. With Vice unable to participate in our very first WWE show review, I had to scramble to find a replacement. Finally, after a great deal of whining and begging, Ms. Cewsh stepped up and filled the void. After reviewing more than capably, she decided (was conjoled) to join the cast permanantly. She only does the big 4 WWE shows, but she’s like the sprinkles on the ice cream. Delicious, delicious sprinkles.

————————————–
World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Survivor Series 2008

Welcome ladies and alleged gentlemen, to the very first Cewsh and Vice review of a WWE show! Now you may have already noticed that something is a bit off this time out of the gate, but you may not be able to put your finger on it. Allow me to help. You see Vice is off on vacation to Imagination Land and has left me alone to post this review all by my lonesome.

After I stopped crying alone in my closet I got down to thinking about possible replacements. After cycling through some potential options, I finally settled on my own fiancé Danielle. Why, you ask desperately, fervently clinging to your autographed Vice bumper stickers? Because she has a point of view that I don’t have, and might be interesting to many. Danielle, for lack of a better word, is a mark. The proverbial casual fan we all speculate about. I think she’ll offer an interesting point of view on things, and if you disagree, then feel free to write your own long ass review. And have no fear Vicesuvians. The man himself will be back in action for the next review.

As always, for those unacquainted with our reviews, we only know what we can find out on the television shows and work hard to avoid spoilers and fake news. We’re here to tell you what is worth watching, and we are definitely not here to tell you how to think, just what to do. Got it? Alright. And away we go…

Segment 1 – Are You Ready For Some Football?! Alternately Wrestling?!

Cewsh: The opening video is up to WWE’s standard and actually hypes me up for Jericho/Cena more than the build ups on the shows themselves actually managed. Jericho is tremendous, and Cena’s return has me hyped through the roof.

Ms. Cewsh: Ok, so let’s start out with a little disclosure. I don’t know a DDT from an Elbow Drop. I don’t watch every week. And I hate Survivor Series. Moving on, this video package is fine. I hate the music they’ve chosen for Cena and I hate that I’ve heard it like a dozen times this week. I don’t feel particularly excited since I’ve seen this video package in a dozen different forms.



Segment 2 – Something Happened to Jeff Hardy? I Hadn’t Heard.

Ms. Cewsh: Oh Jeff. Perhaps an OD on face paint and hair dye? I’m looking forward to his inevitable run-in tonight.

Cewsh: JR gets us off and running with some earnest comments about Jeff Hardy’s incident. Apparently ABC, CNN, and TMZ all reported on it, which is weird, because I could have sworn that the best source anyone could name all day was WWESUXIPOSTMELTZERSNEWSANDCALLITREPORTING.com.



Segment 3 – Team Wacky (Shawn Michaels, Cryme Tyme, The Great Khali and Rey Mysterio) vs. Team Serious (JBL, The Miz, John Morrisson, Kane and MVP)

Cewsh Note: As a necessary defense against the traditional Survivor Series concept matches, all of said matches will be covered by me in note taking format. Because way too much shit is flying around to cover it all.

– I can’t even conceive of the fact that:

a) The Great Khali is a face.
b) He is in this match.
c) He gets the first big pop of the night.
d) I have to write a goddamn list because of something the Great Khali is doing that is not entitled “Things More Wooden That Khali’s Acting.”
e) I haven’t written that wood list prior to this.

– JBL is old. He looks old, he acts old, and he just seems worn out. It’s a shame, because he has value to offer, but he’s just not going to last much longer.

– Miz and Morrisson are absolutely brilliant. I really wish they had something worth doing.

– I HATE when they use every announcer at once in these kinds of matches. Its such a clusterfuck and I always forget who is the announcer for what show these days. Completely confusing.

– Keep an eye out towards the beginning of the match where Mysterio, no lie, tries his best to give a loving blowjob to MVP. An early Christmas present? It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

– I honestly really dislike the whole Survivor Series match concept. So little time to highlight so many people results in people looking completely forgettable (see Kane in this match), and for what? Nothing is gained through these matches. It can be done well, but not here, and not like this. Here its just a gimmick for gimmick’s sake.

– Morrisson aping all of Michaels’ moves = :heart:.

80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal Of Approval

Ms. Cewsh: I’m disappointed. I expected more from Team Wacky. Shawn Michaels has no cross tassels. No crazy vests. Not even a funny hat. Rey had an awesomely wacky mask, but he had to go and give it to some little kid in the crowd. JBL looks miserable with his life every time he gets out of his limo. It’s getting sad. All my notes on this match are about how much I love Morrison, how much I want to have hot, nasty sex with Morrison, and how much better at doing Shawn Michaels’ moves Morrison is. Oh and MVP will only be remembered for the fact that Rey gave him head 10 seconds into the match. First time I saw it, I thought the match was a bit forgettable. Upon further review, it was one of the highlights of the night. Take that how you will.

I need a fun rating system, right? Well my cat slept in my lap through the match.

3 sleeping kittens out of 5.

Michaels, Khali and Mysterio over Morrison with Sweet Chin Music.


Segment 4 – Triple H Cuts A Promo. Promo Needs A Band Aid.

Ms. Cewsh: Triple H is supposed to talk about Jeff, because apparently the whole damn roster needs to talk about Jeff. Triple H is a rebel and talks about Koslov instead. Crowd boos. I agree with…oh my Eve’s boobies are impressive tonight. Anyway yes. I like Triple H. I like when Triple H talks. I’m not ashamed. And I like Eve now, too.

Cewsh: Triple H is wearing something other than denim or leather? Somebody’s wife has been raiding his wardrobe. Triple H is a fine face promo, but I honestly miss the days of his 20 minute rambling heel suff. Am I the only one? Oh, I am? Very much so? Ah. Well, moving on then.



Segment 5 – Team Shiny Pants (Michelle McCool, Natalya, Victoria, Maryse and Maria) vs. Team Black Pants (Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle and Kelly Kelly)

Cewsh Notes:

– First of all combining heels and faces in the name of show competition pisses me right off, right off the bat. Its okay when it has some build and there’s some tension there, but here we have people who are actively feuding teaming up with each other for absolutely no goddamn reason whatsoever.

– The faces are shiny. The heels wear black. Michelle McCool is both shiny and black. TWEENER.

– The crowd could really care less about this match. It redeems my faith in them after the Khali chant.

– I think this match was longer than the men’s match.

– The botch counter blew itself up after 100.

15 out of 100

Ms. Cewsh: Oh look, a women’s match. How exciting. Apparently because I also have a vagina, I’m supposed to be all about this. Smackdown divas, how I hate you all. Except Maria. I would tear that up. But she should never be allowed in a wrestling ring again. Come to think of it, I hate most of the Raw divas too. Anyway, the match is unwatchable. I’ll save you the trouble of watching it, no one loses their top. Two of the blondes on the Smackdown side get into a cat-fight almost immediately. Mickie’s outfit is hilariously bad. Beth looks like she eats nails and babies for fun and it really disturbs me how much Cewsh wants to do her. Natalia puts Candice into the Sharpshooter and I don’t buy for a second that Candice doesn’t immediately start bawling and tap.

Match was so bad my cat ran away.

0 sleeping kittens out of 5.

Beth Phoenix over Maryse with the Glam Slam.


Segment 6 – Fun With The Hardy Boys!

Ms. Cewsh: The obligatory interview with Matt about Jeff. Matt claims Jeff was hit in the back of the head by a blunt object, right behind the right ear, in his hotel room. How this made him collapse on the stairs like wwe.com claims, isn’t explained. As a member of the medical community, I would like to assure everyone that when someone collapses on a flight of stairs we immediately jump to blunt force trauma in their hotel room.

We also never keep head trauma victims in hospitals. No sir, we’re always releasing those trauma victims after a max of 15 hours. No overnight stays for wrestlers! They have pay-per-views to “not” make it to. I bet when Jeff runs in he’ll totally have bandages wrapped around his head like an old-school soap. Maybe he’ll even develop amnesia or split personalities!

Cewsh: Hi kids! Let’s take acting classes with Matt Hardy!

Step 1

Is the subject matter of this interview sad? If so, frown.


Step 2

Are you angry? If not, you must be sad. Continue frowning.


Step 3

Take long pauses between statements so that people can see your frown clearly.


Step 4

Is the segment over yet? If not, stare sadly off screen until it fades to black.

Now you too can act like Matt Hardy!



Segment 7 – The Big (Its Impossible To Par Down The Number of Nicknames That Involve the Words “Big” and Show”) Show vs. The Under (Over) taker. Casket Match

Cewsh: Here’s the thing about Casket matches, Last Ride matches, Buried Alive matches and so many of the other signature matches that the Undertaker has had assigned to him over the years. They suck. There have been a few standout matches, here and there, and they hit on something special with the Hell in a Cell matches, but generally speaking, these matches are awful, and the gimmick makes the match impossible to be as good as it could be otherwise.

This match is the hardcore brawl that you’d expect it, and like it, to be. The action is very slow, but not necessarily boring. If you’re okay with the idea of seeing two big guys slug it out for awhile, then this is good times, but I’m telling you right now, that the excitement meter didn’t even register this match at any point. The match picks up some speed after Big Show exhibits his newly found phobia of caskets. Weird how everyone the undertaker has ever met shares that phobia. Huh.

Anyway, decent match I suppose, even if the ending was tremendously sketchy and anti climactic. I like both of these guys and hope they both move on to bigger and better things.

65 out of 100

Ms. Cewsh: I’ve never seen a casket match and Cewsh assures me I’m going to wish I hadn’t. I guess it must be because I didn’t start watching wrestling until ’04, but I just don’t get the Undertaker. I know everyone else loves him from childhood, but to me he just looks old and slow. Example: Big Show decides he’s going to put Taker through the ECW table and very kindly gets all of the glass and wires out of the way. Of course he takes so long that Taker hits him and knocks him into position. Taker slowly climbs onto another announce table, gingerly jumps two feet to where Show is, and there’s a big crash. The crowd, apparently seeing a different match than I, chants “Holy shit!”

Anyway, Big Show is scared of the casket, but only when it’s convenient to the plot. He won’t close it when Taker’s in it, but he will climb out of the ring and flip it over like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. Then Taker reveals he has fire magic in addition to his lightning and then some monks bring out a new casket. Guess there was a BOGO sale.

The end was really weird and confusing. They kept stressing that to win the match you had to physically close the casket. But Taker didn’t. He wasn’t anywhere near the casket and they gave it to him. Lame.

1 sleeping kitty out of 5.

The Undertaker over the Big Show when the Casket Closed.


Segment 8 – Your Monthly Clusterfuck.

Ms. Cewsh: There is a turkey. I don’t know why there’s a turkey. Everyone thinks the turkey’s name is Charlie. It isn’t. Then the turkey is the Boogieman. That’s all I got.

Cewsh: Carlito and Primo hit on the Bella twins. The Gobbledy Gooker shows up. They speculate that it is Charlie Haas. It is not Charlie Haas. It is, in fact, the Boogeyman. He is scary. Yikes. Now the segment is over. The end.



Segment 9 – Team Orton Puts On Their Frowny Faces.

Cewsh: Team Orton are arguing. Hey maybe this is an angle!

Ms. Cewsh: Orton, wearing a shirt that I swear is a kitty wearing a gas mask, tries to lead his team. It’s not very effective and he and that little kid with the shovel face start yelling. Shelton Benjamin and Mark Henry step in and are the voices of reason. Something is very, very wrong here.



Segment 10 – Team Bad Push (Batista, CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Matt Hardy) vs. Team Wellness Violation (Randy Orton, William Regal, Mark Henry, Shelton Benjamin, and Cody Rhodes)

Ms. Cewsh: This match was one of the most forgettable I’ve ever seen. I’m not going to lie, I hate Batista so that probably has something to do with is. His body is a mess, I don’t believe him when he talks, and I don’t find him entertaining to watch. And the scary stretch mark/vein things in his arms are going to eat me. Punk gets more and more forgettable. I referred to Kingston as “that Jamaican I don’t remember seeing before” through all of my notes. Killings, (I can’t bring myself to type his WWE name,) is a bright spot, but he doesn’t get nearly enough time. Hardy cries himself to sleep wishing he was Jeff. I didn’t even bother taking notes on the heels, except for Orton. Orton is slumming it in this match and it comes off so hard. His finish is great, (I love his little “RKO dance”,) but the time it takes to get there is painful. The only reason to watch this match is to see Punk eliminate Regal and immediately get decked in the head by Layla’s shoe. That was pure gold. Other highlights include the fact that I got to see Kingston’s taint. I’ll carry that horror with me forever. And Killings looked good doing some completely unnecessary flips and cartwheels.

2 sleeping kitties out of 5.

Cewsh Notes:

– Mth? I could have sworn that I saw our resident Boogeyfan in the front row getting down in a serious way to R-Truth’s music.

– Rhodes needs a new look like I need a Resse’s Peanut Butter Cup. Catastrophically.

– Ahahahahaha. Way to make your Intercontinental champion look like a nobody. Totally worth it to see Layla spike Punk in the face with her shoe, though. Amazing.

– Matt Hardy did a moonsault? Somebody’s on Slim Fast!

– For something they’re calling a feud, does R-Truth ever get to beat Benjamin? Its not really a feud if one guy loses constantly and looks like a bitch.

– This match is unacceptably boring for the sum of its parts.

60 out of 100

Orton and Rhodes over Batista with the RKO.





Segment 11 – Kozlov Must Break You. Off A Piece Of His Kit Kat Bar.

Cewsh: Kozlov gets interview time. My theory that he’s actually a robot built by the Jerry Jarrett to blow up the McMahon family is gaining steam.

Ms. Cewsh: I. Must. Pause. Awkward. Ly. To. Establish. I. Am not. American.




Segment 12 – Vladamir (I Am So Not The Selling Point Of This Match) Kozlov vs. Triple (Only Double When He Hasn’t Taken His Vitamins.) H

Ms. Cewsh: In the match of the Gigantic Noses, Blandy McScowlsalot starts it off by being bland and scowling. Triple H comes out to his usual entrance. Did no one remember their pay-per-view costumes tonight? Don’t care. Still like Triple H. I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t watch the match. I don’t do straight wrestling. Cewsh was supposed to let me know if anything exciting happened. So let’s fast forward to Vicki coming out with a great big swerve.

The match is going to be a triple threat just like promised. It was awesome. Highlight of my night. Edge came out with a great big fucking beard like he’d spent the last couple of months in Russia training a’la Rocky IV to beat the Russian. Edge does his Spear Dance which is only slightly less cool than the RKO dance. Jeff runs in, like I totally called! He has pink hair, only a little band-aid, and he’s angry. He starts hitting people. Edge gets the pin and the title. Too sweet.

3 sleeping kitties out of 5, for the ending.

Cewsh: With all of the hullaballo surrounding Jeff Hardy, its worth mentioning that there is still a match here, and it is a better one than I expected. As to the controversial nature of the whole Hardy “incident” I’ll let you draw your own conclusion as to how that all worked out. I’m here to tell you what to watch, not what to think.

That said, I think it was fantastic.

Anyway, Triple H have themselves a solid, if unspectacular wrestling match. Apparent the crowd disagrees with me however, as the “boring” chants start almost immediately, followed closely by the chants of “We Want Hardy” and even, inexplicably, a definite “TNA” chant. Way to be ironic, crowd.
As should be pretty clear by now, this match was almost nonexistent it was so nothing, but then, as if a gift from the gods, the swerve of the year takes place.

Now I’m not going to spoil the actual events that take place. In theory there are still some people out there who are like me and actually like to be surprised by things. But here’s what you need to take away from this:

Holy. Fuck. Watch this fucking match. These are the moments that make WWE leagues ahead of anything else out there.

 
80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Edge over Triple H and Vladamir Kozlov with the Spear.


Your winner and new WWE Champion: EDGE!



Segment 13 – John (Who Is This Jobber?) Cena vs. Chris (I’ll Look Back On This Night And Cry) Jericho (c)

Cewsh: Out comes John Cena to the first honest to god pop of the entire show, and finally, FINALLY, the crowd wakes up and decides to be interested in something on this show, making this match feel roughly 8,000 times more interesting than the rest of the card. Danielle and I both immediately notice Cena’s huge neck scar and speculate on what exactly kind of shit he was really up to. I’ll leave that speculation up to the medical biller, but either way, Cena is fucking Superman when it comes to injuries.

This match is pure spectacle. The crowd is wild for Cena, which helps to disguise his obvious ring rust. Jericho does his best to make Cena look great too, bumping around all over the place, and basically having a match all by himself. Hopefully down the line, people will look at matches like this and say that Jericho didn’t always get a fair shake match quality wise when he was on top. It’s a decent match, with some interesting elements, but it suffered from not being special enough for the situation. After all the hype for Cena’s return and this match is completely by the books, and even his entrance featured nothing special.

Cena’s back. He deserved more fanfare than this. But as a spectacle, this match doesn’t disappoint.

75 out of 100

Ms. Cewsh: Cewsh and I clearly watched different matches on this one. Jericho comes to the ring. He’s cool. I like him. Cena’s music hits and the crowd explodes. Oh so they HAVE been here all night. Cena doesn’t do anything special, he just walks down to the ring in a new shirt. I was expecting something bigger for his return. Remember when Punk was a gangster for him? That was cool. Anyway, Cena’s arms are gigantic and he has a big scar on his neck that they swear is from a slipped disk. It looks too far to the side to be a tracheotomy and it looks wrong to be something with the lymph nodes, so maybe they’re telling the truth. In which case, Cena has healing powers, because no one comes back that fast.

Anyway the match begins and I really wasn’t feeling it. I normally don’t mind the Cena is the underdog, but then he fights, but then he’s the underdog, but then he fights formula. This time, I found it unwatchable. In ten minutes, Cena gets beaten up on the outside. (Why do we even have those stairs? No one uses them except to batter people.) Ref gets to 9 and Cena rolls back in. Jericho puts on the Masterlock. Cena breaks it. Jericho puts it on again. Cena breaks it. Then Jericho puts him in what the announcers called the Walls of Jericho, but was not. Cena breaks it. Jericho actually does put on the Walls of Jericho. Cena breaks it. It’s not exciting or fun to watch. It’s boring. Then of course Cena hulks up and starts kicking Jericho’s ass. Cena gets the STFU, Jericho almost makes it to the ropes but Cena pulls him back. Jericho counters. Cena does the FU dance which =/= the RKO dance or even the Spear Dance. He doesn’t hit the FU, but Jericho does get the Code Breaker. Cena kicks out of the pin. I’m riveted.

FU. Pin. Cena is champ. Blah, blah, blah.

The match actually made me want to put the world’s kittens out of their misery.

-5 sleeping kittens out of 5.

John Cena over Chris Jericho with the F-U.


Your winner and new World Heavyweight Champion: JOHN CENA.


———————————————————————–


Ms. Cewsh’s Final Purr:


Ms. Cewsh: You know for as bad as the scores I gave it, I didn’t hate the show…until the last match. Cena honestly ruined the show for me and made me feel worse about the previous matches I’d seen. It’s a shame, because the Michaels/JBL traditional SS match was entertaining to watch, comparatively. The end of the Triple H/Koslov was pretty great. Even the Orton/Batista SS match had some good spots. That’s about it, but I was left with the feeling that it was a more entertaining show than the sum of its parts.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 6 1/2 sleeping kitties out of 50.


Cewsh’s Conquest:


Cewsh: This wasn’t an amazing show. The matches were, for the most part, spotty and meaningless, the crowd was dead, and the undercard seemed to drag on forever. But this show is one that we might very well still be talking about years from now for what happened in the main events, and I can honestly say that I felt it was worth my money to see it live. Is that enough of an endorsement for you?

Cewsh’s Final Score: 62 1/2 out of 100.

Well cats and kittens, that does it for this month’s reviews from the Cewsh, Vice, and newly instituted Ms. Cewsh Team. We hope you like it, and as always questions, concerns, comments, and discussion are both allowed and encouraged. Hit us up and let us now how you liked it and what your thoughts were on the show. And as always keep reading, and be good to each other.