Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of Cewsh Reviews… Here we’re at the tail end of Wrestlemania month here at the Cewsh Reviews… Headquarters, and we’re getting geared up for the big event coming up in April. You know the one, the larger than life spectacle that the whole world will stop to watch? Kurt Angle vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi! Err…well that one will be big as well, and we’ll be covering it too. Obviously, what we meant was Wrestlemania 25, the Showcase of the Immortals and all that. So, for our last gasp before the big show, we decided to cover WWE’s more direct competition: TNA. It’s a company that is currently down on its luck creative and entertainment-wise, but we’re going to cast wayyyy back to the Year of Our Father, 2005, and cover their premier event, Bound For Glory. Will this show put their newer efforts to shame? Will this rekindle our love for TNA? Why do all of the Cewsh Reviews… intros end with questions?
Yes, no, and because I’m the motherfucking Cewsh, that’s why. Pony up. We’re going for a ride…
Cewsh: First of all, that TNA voiceover guy, the one with the insanely deep, forceful voice? Apparently he’s a huge black guy wearing traditional African clothing, because they show him all through this video, referencing the name of every PPV throughout the year leading up to this show, and talking about the events that took place during them. It may sound lame in theory, but it actually went a long way to reminding me exactly how great TNA was that year. It really caught me up on who had momentum coming into the show. Really strong opening package and the epic voice-over guy is worth the price of admission all by himself.
Cewsh: Alright, where to even begin here? First, Joe comes out with his island dancers, actually puts on a full tribal dance routine with his buddies, and is entirely more graceful than you’d ever imagine. It’s funny too, it was short, and very simple, yet it said more about Joe as a character and a person than any overly elaborate WWE entrance has. The crowd goes wild for it, and I liked him a little bit more after watching it.
Then you have Jushin Liger, whom I have gushed my love for in reviews past, but it can’t be said enough. The only wrestler that Liger can aptly be compared to is Shawn Michaels. They’re a similar age, both were small men in a big man’s era, and both have retained incredibly high ratings, long after they should have declined from age. The only difference is that Liger is better and more fun to watch. Seriously. If Michaels puts on a Power Rangers outfit, then maybe we’ll talk.
Both men are amazing at this point in time. Liger is a legend among legends, and Joe is the hottest thing in wrestling, absolutely no exceptions. This is the kind of match you pay money to see. This is the kind of match you pay money to keep.
Ah, now that I’m done hyping this match out onto a ledge of impossibility with no way to bring it back to safety, let’s let it crash back to reality. This is not an amazing match. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible by any stretch of the imagination, but it isn’t everything that it could be. It seemed rushed, was much shorter than I was expecting, and the end came practically out of nowhere. This match was clearly designed to make Joe look like a champ and time was obviously cut from it to be used elsewhere, which is a real shame, because we could have had something special here. Instead we have a good, solid match, and a great opener to this show.
77 out of 100
Vice: Joe’s entrance here is just awesome. Yeah, it’s slightly out of character with him dancing around and shit, but it was awesome. I totally prefer it to the superduper Wrestlemania entrances where people drive sports cars to the thing, come out as gangsters, have marching bands, or dress up as Conan the Barbarian or a very shiny peacock. Liger’s entrance was kind of plain, but who cares? Awesome entrance music, awesome entrance attire and the fans loaded the ring up with streamers. That’s one of the things I truly love about the smaller companies—streamers. It’s a great way of showing respect and creates lovely visuals. It also makes it seem like the audience is a bigger part of the show, making it feel very cozy and warm.
There are a lot of criticisms about this match that I simply don’t understand. I remember when this first took place, everyone was just like “Blah! It was short and sucked! Liger shouldn’t be squashed like that!” and I really don’t get it. It was a very good little competitive match between TNA’s massive undefeated monster and Japan’s Power Ranger with short legs. They both looked great and it was beyond solid. Everything it needed to be to kick off the show in a hot way.
According to various reports, this match was originally scheduled to be 20 minutes long or something epic like that, but since they needed to rework the entire show at the last minute, this match got clipped in half. BUT OMG IT’S JOE VS. LIGER IT SHOULDN’T BE THE ONE TO GET FUCKED WITH. Well, think about it like this. This was a one-off for Liger. Why should TNA take time away from matches involving all their own talent and give it to a match featuring only one of their own guys? Plus, the longer the match went, the worse Joe “looks” even if it’s a better match.
I really don’t see why this match gets hate.
Cewsh: I was so grateful to see Shark Boy was in this match. So grateful. Someone needs to actually be entertaining.
Alright, just about everyone in this match may be unfamiliar to a majority of our readers, so please allow me to explain. The Diamonds in the Rough consist of Simon Diamond, (a former ECW guy,) Elix Skipper, (who is only remembered for the time he tightrope walked across the top of a cage,) and David Young (who is remembered primarily…not at all.) On the other side is Apollo, a big man from Puerto Rico who was originally supposed to be Homicide’s partner in L.A.X. Siaki was the result of Dusty Rhodes and Vince Russo’s man crush on his vaguely Rock-like look. And then of course, Shark Boy is awesome.
Alright, now you know who they all are, let me tell you how they all are in the ring.
Now that that’s taken care of let’s talk about how the match was.
59 out of 100
Vice: This match involves Shark Boy. It’s an automatic win in my book, even if it features a bunch of crap people. This match had some good tag team work, some flashy spots and some neat high flying. Very fast paced. Again, it accomplished everything it needed to, and did it in a relatively short amount of time. Does this match feel like it needed to be on the biggest show of the year? No. Not really. But it got six people on the card, kept the crowd nice and hot after Joe and Liger’s match, and was pretty entertaining to boot.
It really makes me miss the old TNA. You have an old veteran who is an above average worker (though relatively boring) in Simon Diamond, Elix Skipper who is trash but does cool stuff, David Young who is trash but sometimes does entertaining stuff, Apollo who is utter trash, Sonny Siaki who is utter trash and Shark Boy who I love, but many would call him utter trash… and they had a match that is a lot better than a lot of the shit I’ve seen as of late in TNA. It wasn’t a great match, but it was fun. That’s what it needed to be.
Cewsh: Okay, the big theme throughout this show is that the scheduled main event was Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash for the title. Nash being Nash, he no showed after a heart attack scare, so the company spent the whole show scrambling to find a replacement. Jarret is running down the possible contenders, literally saying “screw you” to all of them separately. Then Monty Brown, an uneasy ally of his, comes in and wants a piece of the title match. The real stories here are as follows.
Cewsh: Listen TNA, I get it. Lance Hoyt is big, and he can do moonsaults. Back in the Asylum days, he used to buy rounds for the fans, thus managing to convince you that he was over. But seriously, you pushed this guy for years and years and years, and he never got good. He never even got watchable. I don’t care if he CAN do a flip from Tennessee to New Jersey; he had nothing to offer for his entire run. I hate to say this, but WWE would have known better and cut their losses, not just let him hang around for years without him ever making them a dime.
Monty Brown, on the other hand, is amazing. His gimmick is essentially that he’s a big game hunter from the Serengeti. But at the same time, he also acts like he’s actually physically an animal himself. He rubs his face on the ropes to mark his territory, pounces people for his finisher, and wears more leopard print than Prince in the Gay Navy. He’s not necessarily good at wrestling, even though he does genuinely have his moments, but the story is his personality, which is so much larger than life that it floats above life like the Goodyear blimp.
This match is nothing to write home about. Hoyt nearly makes me tear my hair out by doing 800 high spots, and doing absolutely no power wrestling, even though he’s 7 fucking feet tall and has more in common with Diesel than Shawn Michaels. If I were to read you a transcript of the moves in this match (pretending that there would ever be something that pathetic that actually existed) and asked you to name me a member of the TNA roster who would do those moves, your first guess actually would be Lance Hoyt because all of the moves were botched. But your guesses after that would all be smaller guys who should, and can, do this kind of stuff without looking like idiots.
The right man went over here, and it’s all just building hype for later on in the night, but riddle me this. This match got about 11 minutes. The last match got about the same. Couldn’t they have shaved 3 minutes off of both matches and given them to Joe and Liger? I mean seriously, if I meet anyone who bought this show to see Monty Brown wrestle Lance Hoyt, I will reimburse them their money before extracting a horrible vengeance on them for their bad taste.
48 out of 100
Vice: First off, Hoyt was incredibly over for years. Like.. incredibly over. Take a Steve Austin pop. Now, of course, divide it by 17, and you’ve got one thousand people screaming over a fucking idiot. Why? Because he hung out with all the fucking Impact Zone losers like the famous Hardy Girl Fan Who, According to a Sign, Is Actually a Guy. I was shocked too. But yeah, Hoyt hung out with all of the Impact Zone regulars after the shows and bought them drinks and shit. So he literally bought his fans. Bravo, Hoyt.
Still though, the dude has crazy agility for a 6’9 son of a bitch. He dives over the top rope, and does moonsaults and Van Terminators and can even kip up. Crazy, right? Too bad he sucks. Monty Brown, on the other hand, is just awesome. Not the best worker by any means, but he’s solid and very underrated in the ring. He can cut a fun promo and his character work is just fantastic. Plus, he hits people with the…
Oh yeah, the match sucked. I suggest you blame Hoyt, because I sure as hell am.
Cewsh: Team Canada features here, Robert Roode, Eric Young, and Petey Williams. 3LK featured Konnan, Ron Killings and BG James.
I wish I had something to say about this match, truly I do. I feel like I’ve been neglecting the matches themselves so far in this review, but there was just nothing here. People did moves for awhile, just biding their time until the predictable ending. There was no interest driving this, no backstory preceding the confrontation. This match was filler. Just like everything on this show since Joe/Liger has been. I won’t give the match any more attention than the performers did.
57 out of 100
Vice: I didn’t really pay attention this match, to be honest. There was a lot of dancing from what I saw.
Vice: Ultimate X matches are always fun spotfests. It’s a simple formula, really. You get a bunch of hungry young wrestlers, hang some cables above the ring and let them have fun. I miss old Sabin. I miss old Petey (yeah, I said it). I do not miss Bentley. He’s decent in multi-men matches because his weaknesses can be hidden and he’s willing to die. Willing to die is always a good thing. It’s a shame that no one actually killed him though.
The match itself was really fun for the first 95% of it. You could tell that these guys were going all out and busting their fucking asses to put on a show for the few in attendance. I respect that. Unfortunately, the match takes a massive turn for the worse when the X falls off the cables during a random spot. The wrestlers quickly improvise and take the battle outside the ring while the TNA crew comes rushing in with a ladder to hang the X back up. Ok, the X (or was it a belt?) fell a number of times in the very first Ultimate X. That’s understandable because it was a brand new concept and had never been tested. In fact, they only got the trusses and shit set up properly the day before, or day of, the show. But this is Ultimate X.. 5? 6? 7? They mentioned it being Sabin’s 5th Ultimate X, and I believe he missed out on at least one or two prior to this match. So, they’ve had many. And on the biggest show of the year, they can’t even get the prize to stay up in the air. How fucking hard could it be?
The match ends with the very most underwhelming spot in the history of TNA. They do another cable spot, which sends ridiculous vibration on a collision course with the X, and with said vibrations, the X starts shaking and then falls down. Again. Right into Petey’s hands. Bell rings. End of match. Huh?
The fans start chanting BULLSHIT and all the wrestlers break character. Sabin hustles to the back like he’s going to legitimately kill someone for such a disastrous finish on their biggest show. Bentley seems equally pissed. You could tell they were heartbroken. Petey just stood there in the ring looking depressed. Dude, you’re a heel and by the grace of God the prize literally FELL right into your hands in a spot that could NEVER be planned out and executed. For fuck sake, crack a smile. Dance around the ring. Celebrate. Do SOMETHING. Don’t just stand there looking like someone ran over your steroids. A WINNER WAS YOU! Improvise, you greasy haired Canadian shit.
While the match failed at the end, I believe they redid it a week or three later on a two hour special Impact (which was a huge deal back in 2005) and it had a legit finish. Still, on your biggest show of the year you can’t have mistakes like the X falling down. If the match had a good finish, it would have been a really hot match and just what the doctor ordered. Instead, they got the advice of a pharmacist and went home with a bottle of Fail.
Cewsh: Oh yeah, note style:
– These guys are all ugly bastards. Especially the dude in the dress. Traci Brooks is apparently that dude’s name. Sounds familiar…
– Lots of high spots here. It’s funny though, the moves are so much less impressive and well executed here than they are these days, but the fans go crazy for them then. I guess maybe now it’s just too old hat to be this exciting to people.
– Matt Bentley is willing to die. Falling to the floor off the top rope unprotected? No problem. Get powerbombed off of the cables? Sounds fun! He was definitely an underrated wrestler I think. He got a ton of shit in these days, because he was the only X Division wrestler who couldn’t do a ton of flips, but that wasn’t his style. I’m saying it now. Matt Bentley is better than Sonjay Dutt, Petey Williams, Eric Young, Lance Hoyt, or (Sorry Vice) Shark Boy. Yet he got released and they hung around for half a decade. Ridiculous.
– Towards the end of the match, the big red X that they’re fighting for just falls to the ground, for no reason. Everyone looks pissed, and they actually STOP THE MATCH for a few minutes to hang it back up. The match continues, with Sabin and Bentley hanging from the ropes, and then they kick each other off. Then the X starts to wave back and forth, back and forth, and Williams, seeing this, gets to his knees and begs for the X to fall. It does. He catches it. End of match. This is, simultaneously, the coolest thing Petey Williams has ever done, and one of the lamest, saddest things I’ve ever seen in a wrestling ring.
– Post match, Bentley and Sabin are visibly pissed off for real at the X falling, and Petey starts looking around all confused and depressed like he’s afraid someone will yell at him for catching it. THIS IS TNA’S WRESTLEMANIA FOR FUCK’S SAKE. Can you imagine the Money in the Bank briefcase falling to the ground TWICE during the ladder match at a Wrestlemania? If it did, do you think all of the participants would break character and stomp off like moody children? There was, and is, such a divide of professionalism between the companies, that it’s almost insane to think about.
72 out of 100
Cewsh: To those of our lovely readers who aren’t familiar with this era of TNA (probably most to be honest), America’s Most Wanted consisted of James Storm (currently of Beer Money Inc.) and Chris Harris (Currently of Old Country Buffet), and they were TNA’s flagship (and only good) tag team during this era. This here is the rematch from when they cheated to beat the Naturals for the title. Well, it’s also the rematch of another match before that with the Naturals, and another match before that, and anot…
I’ve have watched these four men wrestle each other more times than I have seen my cat sleeping. And my fucking cat is sleeping ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Anyway, AMW do their best to be good heels, even if Chris Harris has no idea how to, and the Naturals try to be underdog good guys, but they look like emo twats covered in pink, and nobody likes them, so this match is basically completely ignored by the crowd. The Naturals do things, and they aren’t particularly fun to watch, and then AMW kicks out of all of it, making the Naturals looks like a bunch of pussies, while AMW look like much better wrestlers who are slumming it by just being here because they have nobody better to wrestle. Halfway through, one of the Naturals gets handcuffed to the guard rail, so the other one just gets his ass kicked.
67 out of 100
Vice: I never understood why TNA never gave up on the goddamn Naturals. They weren’t naturals at all. Maybe in twenty years they’ll know how to work a match, but they’re awful. They can’t work and they look like fruity cockclowns. And TNA kept pushing them to the moon. They’re decent when they’re working with a much better team and are getting their asses handed to them the entire match. But when they’re on offense? Terrible. Trying to actually work an intelligent match? Awful.
AMW, however, is amazing. Great faces, better heels. Braden Walker used to be good, you know. Kinda funny how that worked out. Harris was always the better worker of the duo, and people thought he was going to go on to be a successful singles star while James Storm would float into obscurity. Now Storm has improved infinitely and is one of the reasons to watch TNA, and Harris went on to great success in the big league as Braden Walker and is, I think, going to head to RAW soon to challenge for the title! The match wasn’t very good, but AMW did the best they could with the scrubs they had to work with. And I guess it was a big match because The Naturals were the number two team in TNA. But they sucked, and I’m sure they still suck. A lot.
Gail Kim is ridiculously hot. Amazingly hot. Absurdly hot. I’d give her the best two and a half minutes of my life if I could.
Cewsh: Well this is a clusterfuck.
The selling point of this match is that they locked all of these guys in a cell overnight, and they don’t let them out until match time. Then, when they let them out, they give them weapons and point them at their opponents and tell them to have a good time. The natural problem with this, of course, is that these scenario gets them all nice and angry and crazy, and then they have a completely normal hardcore match with some comedy spots. So why bother with the rest? Hell, why bother with the match? Just lock them in a cell, wait ten minutes, and declare a winner.
You might also be wondering what in the fuck Jeff Hardy is doing here in a TNA ring. Not a lot. That’s what.
I thought about doing some Cewsh Notes here, but the thing is that there isn’t all that much to actually talk about. There are chair shots, kendo stick shots, ladder shots, people going through tables, people falling off of ladders. But none of it really matters until towards the end of the match where Jeff Hardy attempts suicide. He sets Abyss on a table next to the stage, and climbs up on the set. Hardy then does a Swanton Bomb ten feet horizontally through the air, avoiding hitting his head on the stage by INCHES, and nails Abyss through the table. An absolutely amazing spot, one of my favorite moments in TNA history, even if it was a completely idiotic thing to do.
Alright, I didn’t want to do this. I resisted all throughout this match, and considered simply lying by omission and letting time erase my guilt, but I can’t do it. I…I like Rhino here. In fact I didn’t just like him, I was practically in awe of him. The Rhino we know in TNA today is fat, dumpy, greasy, a terrible promo, and a shitty wrestler. But this Rhino, on this night, is a fucking wrecking machine. He is absolutely jacked, ripped, and looks solid as hell. He’s quick and agile and he spends this whole match just fucking people up left and right. It’s absolutely insane. And here, ladies and gentlemen, you have the true source of the Cewsh Reviews… loathing of Rhino. We hate him because of how cool and awesome he used to be, and resent the pathetic garbage he represents now. It may not be his fault (addiction and divorce ruin a lot of people), but it’s just terribly depressing. Even more depressing that he wrestles more main events now than he ever even sniffed when he was this awesome. Just sad.
Anyway, it was a fine, by the numbers hardcore match. Not much else to be said for or against it.
70 out of 100
Vice: Let me throw this out here now… Sabu is one of the worst wrestlers to ever step in a wrestling ring. He’s atrocious. Every piece of his offense involves a chair. Hey let me jump off a chair onto you. Now I’m going to move the chair three feet and jump off it again, but this time it will be a moonsault. Now I’m going to throw you into the turnbuckle, move the chair seven feet, and jump off it one more time. Then I’m going to toss you outside of the ring, move the chair four feet, and jump off it yet again and then jump off the rope and land on you. Then I’m going to throw you in the ring and throw the chair at you. Then I’m going to pick the chair up, climb the turnbuckle and put it under my legs as I legdrop you. Then I’m going to throw the chair at your body. Then I’m going to place the chair down, and jump off it! Jesus fucking Christ. The second he doesn’t have a chair in his hand, he just stands there awkwardly. Fucking terrible.
Abyss is out there to die, to be brief.
I hate Lunatic Hardy with a passion. I like him when he’s just a regular dude who goes batshit and flings himself at people without any care for his own body. When he’s painted up, he just looks like a moron. And he was generally terrible in TNA. I’d hate to wrestle him too, ‘cause his
neon green paint gets all over everyone and everything it touches.
Ok, now for Rhino. Cewsh and I shit on him aaaaall the time. I made an award based on him. Back in 2005, he was awesome. He was in awesome shape and actually looked like a beast. He’s scary looking. And much more mobile and agile, and just seemed so much more motivated. I loved this Rhino.
The match was as good as it could have been. Insane spotfest with people dying left and right, and one of the most ridiculous spots in TNA history, with Jeff Hardy doing a swanton off the top of the set. In wrestling, heights are usually exaggerated. 10 feet is actually 45 in the wrestling world. But when it’s said that he dove 20 feet, he fucking did dive 20 feet, if not even more than that. It was one of those spots that if it went wrong in any sort of way, he was as good as paralyzed. So, it wasn’t a great match but it did what it needed to do and felt pretty big. It was also step one in Rhino’s climb to the top.
Cewsh: All through the show, they’ve been showing little clips of the Commissioner of TNA, Larry Zbysko, trying to decide who is going to be the number one contender for the title in the main event at the end of the night. He finally decides to put 10 guys who have already wrestled tonight in a battle royal to determine who moves on to the main event. Jeff Jarrett shows up and yells a lot, still very sweaty. Do they have air conditioning in TNA? They should look into that.
Cewsh: Now this is a match that I want to see. Styles and Daniels, two of my favorite wrestlers of all time embroiled in a heated feud, given 30 minutes, and just allowed to steal the show. This is kind of matches that put TNA on the map, and drew in the interest to begin with. Styles is amazing, Daniels is a personal favorite, and they have some of the best chemistry together of any two wrestlers that I have ever seen. Vice and I are giggling like school girls at the opportunity to watch this match. Try to imagine a time when THAT was true about a TNA review.
Styles is the babyface champion facing the heel Daniels. This being an Iron Man match means that they have a 30 minute time limit, and in those 30 minutes, whichever guy gets the most pin or submission victories on their opponent is the winner.
The match starts off slow, like most Iron Man matches do, with the wrestlers pacing themselves, knowing full well that they have 30 minutes to use no matter what they do. AJ starts viciously pounding on Daniels, but Daniels keeps finding clever little ways to foil AJ’s momentum. He keeps Styles from getting an advantage despite all the offense. Then they spend long minutes wearing each other down, clearly wanting to conserve energy for the downhill rush at the end, and wear down their opponent for the inevitable climax of this match.
Styles spends a great deal of the match working Daniels over with various submissions, and just generally being on the offensive. Daniels obviously spends this time trying to hold off the seemingly endless onslaught of Styles.
Finally Daniels catches Styles napping, locks in his devastating submission move, The Koji Clutch. The Clutch, for the record, is basically the Crossface if the guy doing it also wrapped his legs around the throat of the victim. AJ, not to be denied, STANDS UP, picking Daniels up with him and makes it to the ropes in an impressive display of badassery. Amazing.
Closing in on 10 minutes left, there still have not been any pins or submissions, and both men are looking significantly the worse for wear. Now, the big moves start coming from Styles and Daniels. A huge Death Valley Driver from Daniels, an enormous Torture Rack Driver from Styles, a Triple Jump Moonsault from Daniels that is just absolutely gorgeous, and a top rope Pele Kick from Styles. None of it is enough to put the other man away. Leaps over the top ropes, hard hitting strikes, these guys start throwing everything but the kitchen sink at each other, but none of it’s enough.
Daniels grabs Styles from outside of the ring and back suplexes him from the ring apron to the floor. They’re both absolutely dead on the floor. Will this match end with no falls? Will we go into overtime?
The knowledge of the ticking clock prompts both men to explode into a serious of roll ups and close falls, but neither man manages to be successful.
This was a great match between two guys who routinely have great matches. The people who criticize these men can be damned, quite frankly. This is what people are talking about when they say that TNA used to be great. It wasn’t great great, but moments like these are as good as you could ask for.
85 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
Vice: This match is criminally overlooked when people discuss the great matches in TNA. If an AJ/Daniels match is mentioned, it’s generally their first iron man. This match is just fantastic. The first iron man match was good, but both of them were having an incredibly off night. They were both on fire during this match. Like.. seriously. In an interview, Daniels was talking about how they were so pumped up and feeling so good that they were stiffing the bijesus out of each other. Daniels actually had to tell AJ to calm the fuck down a number of times, and when AJ didn’t get the message, Daniels started actually punching AJ. And they were both loving it. The passion these two had/have is just incredible.
And to anyone that says that Daniels suck, I say fuck you. The dude is a great wrestler. He knows how to wrestle as a character, is a very smart worker, is very crisp with great execution, and is fantastic at improvising. He’s just so experienced that he has a battle plan for any situation that comes up. AJ went for his moonsault DDT thing, but didn’t get enough spring. IMMEDIATELY, before AJ is even two inches off the rope and into his rotation, Daniels sees that AJ is going to be landing in a different spot at a different angle. So what does Daniels do? He gets in the perfect position, leans back a bit, and AJ lands the move beautifully. The same exact thing has happened a bunch of times with other opponents, and they all end up with either a kick to the face or get hit in the chest, fall down with AJ, and AJ has to pick them back up and then flop them back down. Wrestling Daniels seems so incredibly easy. The dude is awesome and a valuable talent. Plus, he doubles as CURRY MAN.
But yeah, the match is fucking great. Awesome stuff from both guys. I love the idea of their 30 minute iron man matches, because it’s guaranteed to be a 30 minute match between them. Amazing. The X Division title was made to looks incredibly important in this match. To the X Division, this is their title. During this time period it was on the level of the TNA title, which I loved. That’s the thing I like about divisions. A heavyweight champion is no better than a lightweight champion, because they’re both the absolute best in their class. I really don’t see the point in midcard titles, especially when they get beaten by better people while champion, and the winner doesn’t even give a shit about the title. Degrades the title quite a bit, no? AJ was nearly in tears after he retained his title in a ridiculously tough battle. That’s what I love seeing. That’s what makes a title a title.
My only gripe is that I didn’t like how AJ’s music hit the second the pinfall was made, considering there was 2 or 3 seconds left on the clock.. but since Daniels obviously didn’t have enough time to win, it doesn’t matter much. Just a slight irk though.
– Joe and Killings start this Battle Royal, with a new guy entering every 2 minutes. It’s an over the top rope elimination, with the winner immediately facing Jarrett for the title.
– Killings starts off by mocking Joe’s little island dance from earlier. I love Killings to death. He should seriously be main eventing somewhere.
– Sabu does a bunch of stupid shit with a chair, before Joe throws one directly into Sabu’s knees causing him to crumple up in pain. Ha. That’ll show you, Sabu.
– What? What in the motherfuck is this jackass doing here? FUCK YOU HOYT.
– Hoyt beats up Joe. I entertain thoughts of homemade napalm and Hoyt’s feminine tattoos.
– Abyss and Joe have an epic staredown. That’s a feud that we oddly never really got, even though you’d think it would pretty much be natural. Shame.
– Jeff Hardy limps to the ring. Didn’t these guys all get murdered half an hour ago? Now they’re having another match?
– Brown enter and immediately Pounces Sabu into space.
– Brown, in a ridiculous scene of botchery, grabs Hardy and eliminates Jeff while eliminating himself. Which is great, except that, in one of the funnier botches in recent memory, he throws over Hardy, remembers that he was supposed to go out to, and then just jumps out of the ring, eliminating himself. SMOOTH MOVE EX LAX.
MONTY BROWN HAS BEEN ELIMINATED.
RHINO HAS ENTERED THE BATTLE ROYAL.
– Rhino walks in, and becomes my eternal hero by slapping Lance Hoyt right out of the ring..
– I’m so happy right now. Shots all around!
– Oh boy, now the star power has arrived.
– If you’re wondering why I’m not saying more about this match its because nothing is happening. These guys are all exhausted and just kind of hanging around throwing punches at each other.
– Wow, really? The guy JUST wrestled an iron man match.
– The story here is that Zbysko refused to let Raven participate like he was supposed to, because they have a heated feud going. Instead, he injected Styles, despite Style’s fatigue.
– James gets eliminated helping Killings. He seems really determined to convince 3LK that he’s a good guy.
– Unfortunately, it doesn’t help much, as Killings gets tossed by Rhino just as security guards escort James out.
– Samoa Joe and AJ Styles start to fight, and I get really exicted, and…
– Poop. They both get eliminated by Abyss practically immediately after exchanging blows.
– So now it’s down to Abyss and Rhino.
– Abyss turns around, and gets absolutely flattened by an enormous Gore from Rhino. Picks the monster up, and over he goes.
Rhino is your number one contender for the NWA TNA World Heavyweight Championship. And here comes the champion…
65 out of 100
Vice: Decent little gauntlet. I don’t have a lot to say about it, but it was nice seeing everyone there who had previously wrestled going out and giving it their all, despite being bloody, battered and bruised. It made the shot at the title seem very important. It meant a lot to all of these guys. Rhino wins, cementing his giant push throughout this show. I am not complaining, oddly enough. I really don’t have much else to say about this match.
Cewsh: So here we go with the title match. We have a challenger who is bleeding, exhausted, and wrestling his third match. We have a referee whom hasn’t been mentioned a single time before this match. And, we have a champion who seems obsessed with putting Rhino in a casket, for some reason.
When I initially heard what the main event of the show we were reviewing was, I was in disbelief that Vice would even suggest it. Surely I, the almighty Cewsh, had already given my definitive analysis on Rhino? Well, I was wrong. Sort of. As I mentioned earlier in this review, Rhino now and Rhino then are almost two completely different people. Throughout this show, Rhino has looked like an unstoppable killing machine, and Jarrett was such an annoying dickwad, that I found myself actually getting really excited to see if Jarrett would get the ass kicking he deserved from Rhino. I found myself rooting for Rhino, and booing Jarrett for hurting him and rubbing it in. As a result I was almost too interested in this match for the people in it.
The match isn’t very long, and towards the end, Gail Kim runs in and distracts Ortiz. Jarrett pulls out a guitar and nails Rhino with it as Rhino goes for the Gore in one of the nastiest and most disgusting guitar shots that I have ever seen. Now to understand this part you have to understand that for years before this, Jeff Jarrett would get his ass kicked by an up and coming face, the ref would get distracted, Jarrett would use the guitar, and get the win. Every. Single. Time. Trust me, the fans absolutely loathed this. Well this time, sure enough, the ref gets distracted, Jarrett uses the guitar, and Rhino kicks out, nails the Gore and wins the title. The crowd is silent for a minute and then LOSES THEIR FUCKING MINDS. This is the moment they had been waiting for, for years. A new headliner, a new champion, a new figurehead. And his name is Rhino.
Er…sort of. See, ordinarily after such an event, you’d expect the new champion to hold up the belt, and proudly display that he won this time, while the heel leaves disgraced, creating a great moment on your biggest show, right?
Um, not so much here. After being pinned Jarrett IMMEDIATELY sits up, no selling the Gore completely, and AMW runs in and beats up Rhino. Then 3LK comes in to make the save, but then Team Canada runs in to beat THEM up, and then Team 3D shows up and then… Yeah. It’s an enormous clusterfuck, and the new World Heavyweight champion spends the entire close of this match inside a casket while Team 3D gets all of the attention. This kind of ending, a huge brawl to end the show, making nothing that happened in the main event actually matter, plagued TNA for years. They’ve only recently gotten past it, one of the few things about the company that is better today than back then.
I wanted to add the aftermath of this match in with the match score, but I can’t in good conscience. I never have before, but you can do the math yourselves at home. The score below is purely for the match, from bell to bell. Subtract 36 points from it and you get the adjusted score with the aftermath.
71 out of 100
Vice: Fuck Jeff Jarrett. He got the shit gored out of him, and kicks out at 3.01 looking all confused at why he lost. He sits right up and doesn’t sell it AT ALL. Then Rhino gets the shit kicked out of him and Jeff isn’t selling ANYTHING. This is when I hated Jarrett back in the day, and I still hate that Jarrett. Fuck. Infuriating. Cewsh and I shit on Rhino all the time, but he was awesome back then. I was totally cheering him on while watching this show again. I’d love Rhino if he was still in incredible shape and working his ass off. But no, he’s boring and fat and looks like a Jiffy Lube employee.
That’s why I have the Fire Me award based on him. Worthless fuck. Oh yeah, and Rhino gets his ass handed to him and doesn’t have much of a celebration at all. In fact, his whole title win is overshadowed by Team 3D coming back. “Rhino won the title… OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!! TEAM 3D!!!!! TEAM 3D IS HERE!!!!! TEAM 3D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHAMWOW!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!! TEAM 3D!!!! .. oh yeah, Rhino won the ti— TEAM 3D!!!!!!!!”
Wait.. who cares. Jarrett lost the title. Yeah, he got it back like a day later, but.. wait. Fuck you Jarrett. Sell the fucking gore you asshole. I also can’t believe that he’s still using a guitar after all these years. Find something new. Maybe a saxophone?
I generally dislike using the word “faggot”, but Jeff Jarrett is a faggot for not selling the gore. I’m so irritated by that. It’s the true sign of an ego and not wanting to fully put someone over. On the biggest show of the fucking year, Jarrett couldn’t stay down for more than 3 seconds? Are you fucking shitting me? Seriously dude, fuck off. Yeah, he puts people over more these days, but back in the day he’d hold the title forever and almost never gave anyone their moment. He’d either kick out at 3.01, completely destroy the fucker the second he won the title and ruin the celebration, or get the title back a week later. Or all three. Such a fucking wanker. It’s not even good heel work. It’s just being a fucking egotistical douche. Fuck him and his fucking balsa wood guitar.
Cewsh: Well, this was an interesting snapshot of older TNA. What I learned from it is: my memories of TNA are fonder than the actual product deserves. In these days, TNA shows tended to have one great match, a few good ones, and a bunch of random filler. This show was no exception. With TNA, the highs were always super high and the lows were just mediocre, so there was a lot to be excited about. These days the highs have plateaued with the low reaching a point so far down that I’m incredulous.
Ultimately, this is the product that I prefer. Between us Vice and I used the words “I miss…” 11 times while watching this. That says it all, doesn’t it?
Vice: It definitely seemed like a bigger show than usual, but it didn’t seem like a Wrestlemania by any stretch of the imagination. Oddly enough, I really miss the TNA I saw in this show. They didn’t have nearly the amount of top level talent as they do these days, but they did a lot of shit right and got a lot of bang for their buck with hungry workers with something to prove. TNA is lazy these days, and it really shows. They don’t know what they’re doing. Back in the day, they still didn’t really know what they were doing, but calling them lazy would be a massive insult, because they weren’t. They were fighting to make a name for themselves, become a bigger company, become more respected and credible, and to get more TV time. Now they have the TV time and are a much bigger company, so it feels like they are mailing it in.
I enjoyed the show. A couple matches that smelled like Cewsh’s feet after a long day at work, but there was a lot of good stuff here and showed a lot of potential. The show was a success, I’d say.
..except for Jarrett not selling the fucking gore. What a fucking fuckity assfucking fuckhead.
All right, that does it for us this time boys and girls. Your friendly neighborhood Cewsh Reviews… team is going to take a bit of a break from our hectic review schedule to hit the beach, maybe sipping some daiquiris, until we remember that we hate sunlight and other people. Don’t worry though, we’re just saving up our eternal wit and charm for the review of reviews, Wrestlemania 25, coming to a Rajah near you April 7th. Prepare to be dazzled and amazed as we unveil new graphics, new jokes, and bring back the delectable Ms. Cewsh for this enormous show. We’re pulling out all the stops here; giving you the best review the internet has to offer. In the meantime, be safe and be good to each other.