ROG The Great Commission

Ring of Glory Wrestling Proudly Presents…

ROG The Great Commission

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the wrestling blog that puts the “holy” in “holier than thou”, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we have found in our grand search of the internet, a show that cried out to be reviewed like perhaps none other that we have ever seen. That’s right, tonight we’re reviewing the one and only show ever put on by Vince Russo’s Christian wrestling company, Ring of Glory. Now, if there’s one thing we want to make clear right off the top it’s this. I know that we have many Christian readers, and the intent of this review is not to mock Christianity or make you feel uncomfortable about how your faith is being treated in any way. Your faith is your business, and none of ours. However what we WILL do, is see just exactly what kind of bizarre circus a Vince Russo booked religious wrestling show will turn into, especially when the biggest star on it is X-Pac of all people. So if you feel like you’re likely to be offended by our review and (let’s be honest) open mockery of this show, then by all means stop reading here, and we’ll respect that decision. For everybody else, we’re going to have a fine old time, and to do so we’ll not only have Mrs. Cewsh on board, but also her sister, the Turnip Queen from last year’s Summerslam review, who will be watching her very first wrestling show outside of the WWE. It’s too late to pity her, the damage is already done.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Cewsh: This is from a press release put out by Vince Russo himself, shortly before the launch of Ring of Glory:

The new religious-themed wrestling promotion being run by Vince Russo and David Sahadi titled “Ring of Glory” opened its official website at midnight this week. The website includes an interview with Russo who explains the concept of the promotion, describing it as “using the art form of wrestling to bring people to Jesus Christ.” Russo also adds quote, “It’s some of the greatest athletes in the world just going out in the ring and performing doing what they do best–with all the glory going to God. It’s all about God. Without him none of us would have the gifts that we have. The problem is that we live our lives using those gifts to our benefit . . . not Gods.

From there it’s wrestling meets Broadway meets the Gospel. Through God I translate the Bible into 2005 putting it out there in a format that is easy for everyone to understand and relate to. The message is clear the characters are clear and at the end with have an altar call where we steer the lost to God.”

Cewsh: So it will be easy to understand, have a clear message and will feature some of the greatest athletes in the world, guys. You heard it here first. Now what are the odds that this show lives up to that? Hmm…

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Swirling clouds, sun lit pillars, and the voice over guy who used to work for TNA. All of these things might conjure the very image of God and all of his great works. The people who put this video together are really, really, really hoping you’ll think that too, because beyond putting some stock background video behind a guy saying things about God very solemnly, there’s really no explanation in the first half of this video as to how this has anything to do with what we’re about to watch at all. Then we get a glimpse at the legendary warriors of the faith we’ll be enjoying tonight, which includes X-Pac and Jimmy Rave, both of whom are known drug addicts AND X-PAC MADE PORN. I’m not 100% sure of the Christian view of doing a bunch of drugs and then making graphic pornography, but I suspect it somewhat detracts from your standing as a warrior of the lord. Then again, most of that stuff happened after this show took place. It’s not like anyone would show up to this show actually appearing to be on drugs right?

Right?

Segment 2 – The Dark Lord Cometh

Cewsh: As the show properly begins, we are treated with a view of the sparsely populated high school gymnasium where this show is taking place, and I don’t mean to be mean but there are lunches at Hannibal Lector’s house better populated than this show. The entire audience appears to be made up of people who are wearing clothes they received from time traveling charity workers from 1982 and they seem so confused and disinterested that this show has, “Churches forced their parishioners to attend” written all over it. Into the middle of all of this walks Percy Pringle, (better known as Paul Bearer,) dressed in red and black, and trying to be James Mitchell so hard that steam is coming off of him. He gets in the ring and proceeds to not address in any way that he is obviously the devil, but instead just talks about how he’s in control and he hopes everyone has fun tonight.

“Especially The Ladies.”

Perhaps the strangest part of this whole thing is that, despite basically wearing a sign on his back saying “SATAN MOTHERFUCKERS” the crowd doesn’t actually boo him or express disapproval at all. So either the denizens of this show aren’t really the type who are quick to pick up on the brick of symbolism no matter how many times they get hit with it, or they’re actually pretty laid back about the Devil in general.

Turnip Queen Notes:

On Her First Impression Of The Show…

– This is going to be AWFUL.

– I can’t believe I’m doing this.

On The Audience:

– Where did all of these people come from? There’s a crowd out there for this? I understand Christian music, but Christian wrestling?


Segment 3 – The Devil Wears Many Faces.

Cewsh: Actually, during this conversation where Pringle mocks Rodney Mac and tries to convince his wife to succumb to rage and anger, he pretty much only wears one facial expression, and it is the most hilariously dismissive thing I have ever seen.

You Can’t Tell, But He’s Also Bobbing His Head Around And Wagging His Finger.

The entire segment is muddled and confusing, but if that facial expression is all that came out of it then I’m calling it a win.

Mrs.Cewsh: I must have slept through that day in Sunday School, who is Goldilocks playing? Someone in Corinthians, maybe?

Segment 4 – Bull Buchanon vs. Rodney Mac w/ Jazz

Cewsh: Let’s put aside all of the stuff about Jesus for a moment and just consider the following question. If you were going to start a new promotion, who would be in the first match you present to your viewers? If Bull Buchanon or Rodney Mac are anywhere on or near your list, then starting a wrestling promotion is something you should abstain from.

Anyway, the story here is that Buchanon is on the Devil’s team, and Mac is fighting for good. They have themselves a match you’ve probably seen an exact copy of on Sunday Night Heat, and then Jazz hops up on the apron to help her husband win. But Buchanon shoves Mac towards her instead, and despite the fact that there is a solid 10 seconds between the point where Mac is shoved at his wife, and him actually arriving where she is, she rears back and slugs him directly in the eye and then looks astonished like she had no idea it was her 5’11 black husband that she punched and not the 6’3 milky white guy she thought she was hitting. So either Jazz needs corrective lenses or this is the most passive aggressive thing ever done in the history of marriage.

So Buchanon collects the win, and as a justifiably upset Mac looks on, the Devil comes down and talks to his wife, prompting her to do a total 180 from the previous segment and yell at him for being useless before leaving with Satan. So let me frame this for you properly. In the FIRST MATCH of this new promotion, a wife has already turned heel on her husband for no reason. If you were wondering whether or not Russo might tone down his inherent Russoniness for a company that exists solely to give glory to God, then wonder no longer.

Sheesh.

44 out of 100

TQ Notes:

On The First Match:

– There is now a guy with a large vest and black leg warmers. Is this the 80s?

– Leg warmers guy’s panties (Speedo?) has fire on the crotch. Is that a warning?

– I don’t think they’re even pretending to hit each other.

– I think watching my corgi scoot around on the carpet trying to itch his ears is more interesting than this.

– Apparently being evil means you have to stick your tongue out a lot.

– I think his leg warmers are furry.

– Cewsh says he looks like a large…part of the male anatomy.

(Cewsh Note: A giant, throbbing cock, specifically.)

– I seriously think the announcer just said, “And the big white penis just punched him in the jaw.”

– Soooo…in the first match, a wife betrays her husband. So the moral of the story is that angry wives are more powerful than God. Remember that before you anger your wives.

Bull Buchanon Over Rodney Mac Following A Scissor Kick.
Segment 5 – Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One. So Two Washed Up Wrestlers Walk Into A Christian Wrestling Show…

Cewsh: They notice that all of the crosses are glued together in pairs. One of them says to the other , “That’s weird. Why do they only have double crosses here?” And the other guy says, “Because they let Russo do the decorating too.”

ZING.

Anyhow, our next wonderful segment features the artistic stylings of Mike Sanders and Erik Watts, both formerly of WCW. They are best known, respectively, for being a good talker who can’t wrestle, and a bad everything whose dad was in charge. Lucky for us they get in the ring and let Erik do the talking, and over the next 5 minutes the two of them manage to say absolutely nothing that is even worth the effort of vaguely brushing against computer keys to relate to you. Then they blatantly start insulting D’Lo Brown for no particular reason, (logic having been put firmly to bed some time ago,) and D’Lo comes out looking mysteriously like Brock Lesnar.

?!

D’Lo arrives at the ring, grabs a microphone and proceeds to explain to all of us that he just got divorced and his wife took him for everything, which seemed to make everyone in the gym super uncomfortable. Then some trash talking starts between the three, when all of a sudden D’Lo Brown gets backup in the form of Mr. Disco Inferno and a tag team match begins.

Mrs Cewsh: Bill Watts’ kid comes down to the ring and proceeds to tell us the story of Jesus, which gets the pop of the night. But then! Bill Watt’s kid is BETTER than Jesus. He’s a wise man. Luckily D-Lo arrives to tell us all about his painful and traumatic divorce, at which the audience seriously laughs. “I don’t get to see my kid.” “Hahaha, that’s hilarious. Everyone knows Jesus doesn’t allow divorce!”

Not particularly sure who the heel was in that promo.

Segment 6 – D’Lo Brown and Disco Inferno vs. Erik Watts and Mike Sanders

Cewsh: The match lasts about 5 minutes, (which is roughly 4 minutes and 60 seconds too long,) and then Disco hops in and ALSO starts beating up on D’Lo, before pinning D’Lo and celebrating with his new friends. So either this was a handicap match all along and nobody bothered to tell D’Lo, or the team of D’Lo Brown and Disco Inferno just lost a match to themselves.

I Know How You Feel, Disco.

So if you’re keep score at home, that’s two matches, two twist endings, two heels turns, and two black guys beaten savagely by white Satanists. Sooooo…yeah. Think we’ll have a perfect batting average for twisty heel turns in every match? I’m on the edge of my seat!

37 out of 100

TQ Notes:

On the Second Match:

– Fire on outfit equals bad. How original.

– D’Lo Brown has no neck. None. Guess he doesn’t need to worry about a headlock.

– Disco…Inferno? What is with that nose? Did somebody chisel it and stick it on there?


I Have No Idea Who Won This Match.
Segment 7 – Mark Jindrak vs. Spike Dudley

Cewsh: In perhaps the first example on this entire show of a match that someone might actually want to see, here we have the diminutive Spike up against Abzilla himself, Mark Jindrak. However, after he comes out to the ring, Jindrak seems far more interested in the guy in flannel who is randomly fixing the ropes in the turnbuckles during Jindrak’s entrance.

Jindrak bullies him a bit before Spike jumps in to the rescue, and Spike is thanked for this valiant effort by being allowed to be beaten to within an inch of his life by a guy who looks like what would happen if you genetically combined Randy Orton, Brock Lesnar and a goat. That’s not to say that Jindrak doesn’t do a good job of hammering Spike’s ass.

Err…No Comment.

As a matter of fact this was actually a very enjoyable match, and some of the stuff that Jindrak does to Spike is either hilarious, (Spike punches him in the stomach and Jindrak looks indignant and dusts off his abs,) or painful, (Jindrak teaching Spike to fly.)

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

At some point during this increasingly one sided beating, Spike manages to roll up Jindrak and make the quick pin to complete the David and Goliath tale. And much like David and Goliath, in this story Goliath grabs David and throws him through a table outside the ring just for a chuckle. Then, conceivably, both Jindrak and the famous cyclops went back to crushing villages and wrecking havoc across the unsuspecting landscape, with fire billowing from their ashen lungs and the winds of…..er…right. Getting carried away.

Anyway, the point is that this was a match of such quality that not only does it not shock me that it was on THIS show, but even more significantly, it actually makes me really miss both of these guys. So for once, Jindrak will actually get to sit at the big boy table with the other people who look just like Randy Orton. It’s like a coming of age tale, really. Just one that takes place entirely within the bounds of Russotown.

70 out of 100

TQ Notes:

On the Third Match:

– So far the best character is the flannel clad stage hand fixing the ropes.

– I lied, the stagehand isn’t cool anymore. He’s actually part of the show.

– The announcer just said, “It’s like David and Goliath!” Geez, spoilers much?

– Somehow, Spike just shoved his face into Jindrak’s crotch and pinned him in about 1.5 seconds.

– Closing thought: Jindrak definitely stuffs his Speedo. Nobody on steroids has a package that good.

“How Did This Squirrel Get In My Pants?”

Mrs. Cewsh: It’s subtle, but I’m pretty sure the stage hand represents Jesus. And Jindrak/Dudley are David and Goliath. I’m really good at symbolism.

As for the match, between Jindrak’s delayed Brain Buster and tossing Spike a legit 9 feet into the air, it was actually pretty good and entertaining. Jesus wept.

No, seriously, when Percy was mean to him, Jesus wept.

Cewsh: Jesus should try booze. It’s making me feel a lot better right now.

Spike Dudley Over Mark Jindrak Following A Roll Up.


Segment 8 – The Cup Of Life. OLE OLE OLE.

Cewsh: And so here we arrive at the point in the show where the fun we’re poking turns bittersweet. You see, this is the part of the show where Ron Simmons appears to accept the “Cup of Life” in recognition of being a great Christian wrestling role model through the years. This isn’t inherently a problem, and if anything I actually applaud these guys using this time to show respect to someone who has worked hard to further their cause. But for fuck’s sake, it doesn’t get any more depressing than this.

First off, some guy wanders down to the ring to be the MC for this grand award bestowment. I have no idea who this person was, but they appeared to be a wrestler of some kind. He does a ridiculously terrible job of talking into a microphone, and then after awhile Ron Simmons wanders down to the ring looking like a confused Bill Cosby impersonator.

Look At How Uncomfortable That Kid Looks. Clearly His Dream Has Come True.

Simmons is presented with a literal cup, (requiring me to wonder if you can use a cup of life to drink booze out of without being arrested,) and Simmons reacts as if he’s just gotten an Academy Award. Even the MC seems kind of embarrassed by how genuinely moved and taken back Simmons is by all of this, and the crowd in attendance just sort of looks on while wondering who in the hell he is. The surrealness of this is only amplified when somehow Erik Watts, Mike Sanders, Disco Inferno and D’Lo Brown start brawling in the ring, causing Simmons to Hulk up and start bullying people around without actually hitting them at all. Then D’Lo and Ron Simmons stand tall, with Simmons having won a meaningless award and beaten up some meaningless wrestlers all in one night. I would sarcastically clap here, but after seeing how into this Simmons was, I just don’t have the heart.

Amusingly, he would soon after begin to make a living by cursing on national television. But hey, even the owner of the holy grail has to pay the bills.

TQ Notes:

On the Ron Simmons Award Ceremony:

– I have no idea what happened, but a bunch of people from the second match are going at it again and D’Lo is getting his ass kicked. What? Now the old guy is joining in? He beat up everyone including the table (which was minding its own business).

Mrs. Cewsh: I won’t snark anything Ron Simmons did, because he looked legitimately affected by the proceedings. I will, however, snark the announcers, who ask, “And what’s going on with Percy Pringle?!” Um, he’s Satan. He’s clearly the devil. Literally everyone on earth got that but you.

Segment 3:16 – Says I Just Took A Nap.

Cewsh: We go backstage where Disco Inferno, Erik Watts and Mike Sanders all clustered around Goldilocks, our interviewer, like they’re about to start the world’s pastiest gangbang. Disco starts rambling on incessantly about how D’Lo Brown is a fool and his wife leaving him is funny and about how Disco is always better, etc, etc. The main thing to comment on in this otherwise completely dull and overlong stretch of boredositude is the fact that throughout the entire thing, the three guys cluster in to get camera time and force Goldilocks behind them, but still make her hold the mic for them. So while they’re trying to cut a serious promo, there’s a little hand poking out that is trying valiantly to remind everyone that the microphone is important and it made me chuckle. It isn’t much in the way of humor, but seriously, at this point Dane Cook would be a welcome reprieve.

Mrs. Cewsh: Cewsh missed the part where Erik Watts grabbed Disco Inferno’s ass and DI started singing Stayin’ Alive. Goldilocks looked really pissed.

Segment 10 – Syxx-Pac vs. Kevin Northcutt

Cewsh: Do you guys remember Kevin Northcutt? The guy had about 30 seconds in the spotlight as the leader of the red shirt security team that started getting involved in storylines against the BLACK security team during the early years of TNA. That’s right, his crowning achievement as a wrestler is that he was part of a group that all dressed identically. Though now that I think about it, a lot of guys from the NWO can probably say that too. Anyway, his tenure in TNA lasted about as long as Eddie Murphy’s music career and he did what would could only be called “fuck all” afterwards. The reason that I point this out is because when the press release I showed you at the beginning of this roster was released, there was ALSO released a list of confirmed and signed talent for this project. Since you will recall that this is the only show they’ve ever run, consider just how full of shit this project was from the start:

AJ Styles
Abyss
Tony Schiavone
Chris Harris
James Storm
James Mitchell

That’s it. Those were all the names. Those are the names of some pretty big TNA stars of the time, and a pretty big name announcer, and NONE OF THEM WRESTLE ON THIS SHOW. So instead we get the likes of Kevin Northcutt in here, because he was taking a name under a table in the church community center, and he’s set to square off with easily the biggest star on this show, Syxx-Pac.

Pac, for his part, comes out and tries to high five all 20 of the people in the crowd because he’s a swell guy like that, and hops into the ring clearly ready for business. Now, Pac has always been one of the great in ring talents of his day, so he is entirely capable of having a good match here, if given the slightest opportunity, (hell he still is having them today.) Buuuuuuuuut, he isn’t. What he gets is Kevin Northcutt stomping around the ring like an aimless Frankenstein, while Pac tries his best to fall down whenever Northcutt looks at him funny to create the illusion that this is a wrestling match.

Eventually Pac wins, and the devil comes down to tell Northcutt to beat Pac up, but Northcutt has reservations, because 10 minutes in the ring with Pac has apparently given him the strength to defy the devil. So he and Pac run everyone off, and for the first time of the night, the devil has actually not gotten what he wanted. YAY GOOD GUYS.

For the record, I’m not sure if I’ve made this entirely clear, but every bad guy on the entire show is in the employ of Satan directly. It hasn’t really come up much, because Percy Pringle just sort of waddles out after they win and makes the light turn red to indicate that, yes indeed, it’s Devil Time. But I have to wonder about the devil’s scouting abilities here, because that means that he has compiled a dream team of Bull Buchanon, Erik Watts, Disco Inferno, Mike Sanders and Kevin Northcutt to do his evil bidding, and that’s like trying to field a baseball team made up of winos and pregnant women against the Texas Rangers. Oh, and if you were keeping score at home, yes. This is the third match out of four where somebody turned for no reason.

30 out of 100

TQ Notes:

On the Fourth Match:

– Syxx-Pac? I shall call him Druggie McDrugerson.

– They just circled each other for half the match.

– Druggy: “I love you pole, you understand me.”

– None of us are even watching this anymore.

Mrs. Cewsh: She’s right, none of us were watching anymore.


Syxx-Pac Over Kevin Northcutt Following The Annexation of Puerto Rico.
Segment 11 – The Sword of God Championship – Ladder Match – Jimmy Rave vs. CJ Summers vs. Air Paris vs. Sal Rinauro

Cewsh: I don’t even know where to begin with this.

First of all, let me be very clear about what is going here. The championship in Ring of Glory is not a belt or a trophy, or even a cup. It’s a sword. Yes, seriously, it’s a goddamned BROADSWORD. Now, if that weren’t ridiculous enough, let me direct your attention to the gimmick that this match takes place under. See, this is a ladder match. A ladder match with a sharp bladed object being suspended from a flimsy rope above the ring while a bunch of guys do flips around it and shake the ring as much as possible. On the list of all time bad ideas, this has to rank somewhere in between Custer’s Last Stand and the first guy who wondered what putting his balls into a shark tank would be like. So before this match even begins, there’s a level of absurdity to these proceedings that is staggering.

Oh, And Jeremy Borash Is Here Too. Because Of Course He Is.

And then we get a look at the participants, which include Air Paris, (who may be known as AJ Styles’ tag partner in the early days,) Jimmy Rave, (who may be known as a regular fixture in Ring of Honor in the years after this,) Sal Rinauro, (who may be remembered as a bit player in Ring of Honor all through the 00s,) and CJ Summers, (who may be remembered as the Deluth, Minnesota Hot Dog Eating Champion from 1998 – 2007.) This is not a sterling group of guys competing for the most treasured prize in God’s collection, but hey. At least they aren’t Kevin Northcutt.

Anyway, the match gets going, and, you’ll be shocked to hear this, it blows. The match is a sad reflection of better matches you’ve seen a million times before, and its familiarity only means that it’s basically like watching a repeat of your least favorite episode of a tv show. The match turns out to be elimination style, but I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that the order of elimination is information your brain should ever be tasked with storing. Suffice to say that the last two are Paris and Rave, and that they perform at least 8 botched moves in a row together, 2 or 3 of which come terrifyingly close to getting someone’s head cut off as they do moves off of the top of the ladder while the sword hovers around nearby like a crazy boyfriend.

“You Should Send Me Some Nude Pics, Jimmy. I Promise I Won’t Show My Friends.”

Finally Jimmy Rave triumphs by not only grabbing the sword, but also not stabbing himself with it on the way down, and is declared the first, and only, champion of Ring of Glory wrestling.

He looks proud, as he wanders off into the night, carrying a sword as big as he is like it’s a sack of potatoes, secure in the knowledge that if God is going to strike everyone involved in this debacle down in the parking lot after the show, at least he’ll get hit first.

29 out of 100

TQ Notes:

On the Main Event:

– Let’s break down these guys:
CJ Summers = Druggy, out of shape and bright red pants.
Sal…something = His ass says “Saved By the Sal”.
Jimmy Rave = Druggy, swirly pants.
Air…Paris? = WTF, he’s just in normal clothes. What is this?

– Summer’s actually pretty decent for being chubby.

– I think most of these guys are hurting themselves more than their opponents.

– Paris kicked the ladder out from under him…and pinched him on the ass. Somehow this puts the both on the ground.

– So, wait. The man who is currently in rehab is the first and only winner of the Jesus Championship?

(Cewsh Note: Yep.)

Mrs. Cewsh: Everyone else got notes, I’m just going to go ahead and put down mine.

♥ There is a sword. Suspended above the ring.
♥ CJ Summers – 10 years experience, no worth.
♥ Vinnie Ru on commentary! Oh god.
♥ Stairway to Heaven ladder match is now elimination style. With no ladders.
♥ I mix up Jimmy Jacobs and Jimmy Rave. I really wish Jacobs was here.
♥ The ladders are frightening and too short.
♥ Wait. I thought that WAS the main event…


Jimmy Rave Over Everyone Following WHY.
Segment 12 – Jazz vs. Rain

Mrs. Cewsh: Apparently it was not. Jazz comes to the ring to promo about nothing at all, before calling out Rain and Trinity in the audience. Ever so helpfully, Goldilocks is waiting in their section with a mic. I would like to take this moment to mention Goldilocks’ pants. They have Jesus on them. Not the word. His face. They are skin tight jeans airbrushed with Jesus. And we’re moving along.

Oh Rain, your offense is not good. But it’s better than Trinity’s. This blew. I do find it interesting that Rain and Jazz will both be at Shine this weekend, 7 years after this match. Not that they’re interacting, but then, I wouldn’t acknowledge this shit either.

Cewsh: You might have naturally been thinking that the last match was the main event. After all, it was a ladder match with a sword in it for the championship. But you would be mistaken, good sir or madam. You see, the REAL main event comes when Jazz wanders out to the ring to what seems like genuine surprise from the announcers, and calls out Trinity and Rain, who are sitting in the audience, (which is punishment enough for anyone.)

“We Were Told There Would Be Cake.”

Jazz calls them out and says that she wants to fight Trinity’s protege Rain, instead of Trinity, because sure, why not? So an impromptu match starts, and much to my incredulity, it continues on and on and on. Finally, Trinity interferes and helps Rain win, and the two wander off triumphant, having beaten a woman whom they had had zero interaction with prior to the last 10 minutes, and Jazz steams in the ring, possibly because she’s only now realizing that calling out two people for no reason is a pretty awful idea.

This match came together so haphazardly, and with such surprise and befuddlement from the announcers, that I can only imagine that it was thrown on last to kill some time, because this show was dangerous close at clocking in at less than 2 hours. But if that’s the case, how did Rain know she was going to be wrestling? What would they even have been doing there? On this occasion, I’m actually going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that this was just shittily done, rather than trying to be some kind of massive work that failed uproariously. I’m just a generous guy like that. But hey, with the main event finally over and done with, at least now we can end this review and move on with our…

38 out of 100

TQ Notes:

On the Surprise Cat Fight:

– Surprise cat fight!

Rain Over Jazz Following A Fruit Roll Up.
Segment 13 – A Twenty Minute Promo.

Cewsh: OH COME ON.

Oh alright. After Jazz’s match, the Devil and his entire stable of nincompoops shows up and they call out Jimmy Rave. Jimmy comes down to the ring toting the Sword of God, (+2 to strength, -1 to dexterity, +1,000 to Holiness,) and the Devil tells him that he has to chose between the Devil’s team, (which, again, is comprised of the jobber dream team,) or God’s team, (which seems to be comprised entirely of drug addicts.) Jimmy seems torn between incense and irrelevance and ponders this for a moment. Then the same guy in flannel who was fixing the ropes a few segments ago, and is now randomly sweeping up the ringside area with a giant broom during this promo, gets into the ring, and beseeches Jimmy to chose the side of good. This man could not be any more intended to represent Jesus if they had him followed around by a giant blinking neon sign with JESUS on it. Which, for the record, would be a cool way for Jesus to make wrestling entrances.

Jimmy decides to side with the good guys, and the bad guys are about to beat him into oblivion, when he abruptly disappears from the ring, leaving Jesus to fend for himself, (HEEL MOVE.) Jesus makes like he is going to fight back with his broom, by unscrewing the broomy end and snapping the broomstick into two haves to better smack fuckers upside the head with, but then drops the sticks to the ground and, I’m not even shitting you, stands there in the crucifix position as the bad guys jump him and beat him down to the ground. Then the cavalry of Jimmy Rave, D’Lo Brown, Ron Simmons, Rodney Mac and Syxx-Pac show up and run off the bad guys, and help Jesus to his feet. Without missing a beat, Jesus says his name is “Asa” and is a minister and launches into a TWENTY MINUTE SERMON ABOUT HOW COOL GOD IS. I mean, I’ve seen some no selling in my day, but this guy took an ass beating for 5 minute, kipped up and launched into a sermon without missing a beat.

I wish I could tell you more about the sermon, but to be fully honest with you, I feel asleep a solid dozen times during the course of it. At one point I woke up and AJ Styles was there for some reason, talking about how God is cool, and hip for the kids, and then I slipped blissfully into unconsciousness.


Here’s The Whole Thing Summed Up In Pictures:

“Hey, Is That Janitor Supposed To Be Cleaning Already? We’re Kind Of Trying To Do A Show Here.”
“Someone Here Is Jesus. I Suspect The Broom.”
“I Will Protect Broom Jesus To The Death.”
“Now Now, Ya’ll. Broom’s Are People Too.”
“We Wanted To Make The Broom Champion, But Unfortunately It Ran Off With Moppy After The Show.”
Cewsh: ZzzzZZZZzZZZZz…No Rhino, I Don’t Want To Go Water Sking….ZZzzzzZzzzzzZ…

Mrs. Cewsh: My notes, verbatim:

Jesus tech is back! Oh, he’s actually Jesus. Like talking about Eden and his “father”. Time for a legit sermon.

And then Jesus broke a broom over his knee and got his ass kicked. The END.

TQ Notes:

On the Finale:

– The flannelled stage tech is sweeping the floor. I think he’s actually Jesus.

Upon Deciding That The Man In Flannel Is, Indeed, Jesus:

– I didn’t know Jesus was so buff.

– Oh, Jesus is the co-owner of Ring of Glory. I think he made this whole thing just so he could play Jesus. I wonder if he gets lots of ass for being Jesus.

– Jesus is in handcuffs and getting beat up, and he makes a heartfelt plea for Rave to be a good person. Rave saves Jesus and hugs him, and then Jesus leads everyone in a sermon for like 20 minutes.

– ZzzzzzzzZZZZzzZzzzZZZzzZZzzZZzzzZZzzzzZzZzzzz…

————————————————————-
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: So here’s all you really need to take away from this experience. The main event of the first ever show in Ring of Glory’s history was an impromptu match that had no significance, featuring someone who had been turned already once during the night against someone the crowd was totally unfamiliar with. So, in others words, it’s Vince Russo. Here you have it, distilled into its very essence and with all the brakes off. Multiple turns, total nobodies, a campy style and structure problems more commonly associated with the Titanic, and all of it painted over with a heavy coat of hypocritical nonsense. Here it is, all the bad of Vince Russo distilled into one show, with none of the good to temper it. Preserve it for your children, boys and girls. There will never be another like it.

THANK GOD.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 41.33 out of 100
Mrs. Cewsh’s Mortuary:

Mrs. Cewsh: For such a shit show, there was almost nothing to say. It was poorly conceived. The matches sucked. It wasn’t wrestling to praise the glory of God, nor was it Bible stories told through a physical medium, though Jindrak/Dudley came closest to that and was, not coincidentally, the best match. Vince Russo wanted to put on a show with a bunch of ex WCW guys. Next time, just say that instead of being disingenuous.

Mrs. Cewsh forgot to score matches, because she took a nap instead.


The Turnip Queen’s Royal Decree:

TQ: No turnips for you!

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our review of Vince Russo’s epic disaster of a personal project and we hope any Christians reading managed not to entirely lose your faith in God after reading this. Coming up next we have our dueling big show reviews, as Cewsh and Vice tackle the sequel to the highest rated show in Cewsh Reviews history, TNA Destination X 2012, and we unveil a new WWE contributor, as she and Cewsh take on WWE Money in the Bank 2012. Were any of these shows any good? Will we find excuses to make jokes about wrestling events based on contextual humor? Are we robots? Only one way to find out. In the meantime, remember to keep reading, and always be good to one another.

Written by Cewsh

I am the owner and operator of Cewsh Reviews. We review pro wrestling shows in a way that is funny and educational. Probably. Usually at least one or the other.

6 comments

  1. Wasn't there another Christian wrestling show that happened a few months after this that featured the first (and only) time that Shawn Michaels and Sting were in the same ring together? Yeah I'd say that show was probably better.

    Like

  2. So basically the island is hell then?

    If you're forcing me to choose, then I would have to go with the ICP show, because at least my rage would keep me warm.

    Like

  3. I think the picture of Disco Inferno with the crowd in the background sums up the entire show.

    So, to now ask a serious question: If you were stuck on an island and had to take one of the following videos with you, which one would it be: Ring of Glory or the ICP Legends?

    Like

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