Nu Wrestling Evolution Proudly Presents…
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most Warriortasticist review in the whole Warrior World, Cewsh Reviews. Tonight we’re taking on NWE’s The Return of the Warrior. Oh yeah, baby, it’s the sequel to our last NWE review and you should know immediately that we are giddily excited to head back across the Atlantic. When last we explored the strangely wonderful world of Rikishi’s Nu-Wrestling Evolution, Orlando Jordan was getting punked and run out of the ring by the fucking WARRIOR. What can we provide to top that in the sequel? How about the match to end all matches, the clash of titans that will echo through the ages, the ironclad immortal verses the colossal calamity? After a decade of retirement, the Ultimate Warrior makes his triumphant return, and Orlando Jordan vs. The Ultimate Warrior fucking actually happens. The world may never be the same.
Cewsh: Since we had already done a show from these guys, we were pretty confident about the quality level we were going to receive from this show. Yeah, we were way off. Seemingly between this show and the last show, Rikishi stumbled across some buried pirate treasure and, after determining that it was inedible, invested it into the production quality of these shows, because they look amazing. The opening video starts off with highlights from the top guys in the promotion, covered with a filter (that Vice was loudly Envious of) that made everybody look like extras from Tron. Then (Ri)Kishi comes out and tells us all to not try this at home, which is always nice, and then they launch into a recap of last week’s show. Not just one segment, but the WHOLE SHOW. As a result, we get caught up like gangbusters, and get super hyped for the onset of Warrior Fever.
I’ve gotta say, for an independent outfit localized in an area of the world never known for wrestling (Southern Europe), they have turned this thing into an enormously quality production. Fantastic stuff here.
Vice: So, the opening video. It syncs up so well with Sonya Blade’s theme off Mortal Kombat: The Album, done by the Immortals back when the movie came out. I think.
So for the third time now, I believe, I’ve shown that I am a master of combining music and wrestling. Also, don’t ask me why I had this song on my computer. Just.. don’t.
Segment 2 – 2 out of 3 Falls Match – Jungle (The Man Civilization Forgot) Pac vs. Super(Mediocre)nova
Cewsh: There are a few things that are worthwhile to know about NWE before you watch it the first time. The first is that everyone has a ridiculous gimmick unless they’re so insane that a gimmick would actually be tamer than their actual personality (The Juice, for example.) The second is that things are a little different here than you might see elsewhere equipment wise. The ropes are kind of slack, the ring is extra bouncy, and the ladders and tables they use are pretty much the cheapest, saddest items of furniture you’ve ever seen.
This match focuses more on the first one, as we have a tribal warrior who is 150 lbs soaking wet, pale as a ghost and from Great Britain (Jungle Pac) facing a luchador who comes to the ring accompanied by the dwarf version of Ultimo Dragon (Supernova). To answer the question that must be going through at least one of your minds, yes, not only does the dwarf get involved, but apparently in NWE, dwarf interference is totally okay in the eyes of the ref. They are pro dwarf in NWE, so I think its safe to say that Hornswoggle will always have a waiting audience after his WWE career draws to a close.
As to the match, Pac is a world renowned high flyer, who actually goes by the nickname “The Man Gravity Forgot” and Supernova is a luchador who, while not terribly graceful, has actually discovered a way to do hurracanrana’s that look STIFF, which is a goddamn achievement that apparently nobody else in 100 years ever worked out. As you can imagine, this was a high flying affair with both guys spending more time in the air than on the ground, and it was a fast paced, spot filled, relatively exciting set off to the show. No complaints here. This is what I like to see.
It is worth mentioning, though, that this was a two out of three falls match, and that this is never mentioned until immediately before the third fall, so maybe the wrestlers themselves had no idea. I kind of like the idea of wrestlers having a match and just having gimmicks shouted at them. Makes me giggle.
74 out of 100
Vice: This was a fun way of starting the show off. Pac is Flippidy-doo-da #29817 (but with a Tarzan gimmick!) and Supernova is Rey Mysterio clone #1384. But when you have those two kinds of guys going at it, you’re at least in for a treat when it comes to crazy high flying fun.
Supernova is pretty awesome. His catchphrase is apparently “with the power of the universe, I will destroy you!”, which does go along with his name of Supernova. But really, as cool as it sounds, it takes me back to Final Fantasy VII. Sephiroth, you know. If you don’t know Sephiroth, one of his later attacks in his [somewhat] final form is an attack that pretty much explodes the entire galaxy and harnesses the power of said explosion into one ridiculous attack that hits your guys and only your guys. And it has a tendency to actually miss, which, no matter how awful of a mood I’m in, always makes me laugh. Yeah, go play Final Fantasy VII. It’s amazing.
At one point in the match, Supernova hits one of the most jaw-droppingly painful super top rope hurricanranas I have ever seen in my entire life. Actually, scratch that. THE most jaw-droppingly painful super top rope hurricanrana. Sure it took like 20 seconds to actually set up and looked contrived as fuck, like all those super top rope moves, but fucking hell. Pac just gets SPIKED.
Yes, TNA should sign Supernova. Not only because he appears to be a fairly crisp, energetic and competent luchador that looks very much Rey Mysterio, but because TNA needs more flavor in their X-division. See, WWE doesn’t really acknowledge the fact that there are 90 bazillion different wrestling promotions out there throughout the world, but TNA does. And there are a lot of foreign guys that would be awesome to have in TNA. The World X-Cup or whatever it is, is a fucking amazing display of talent once a year or so. They bring in all kinds of super nifty people and show just how much crazy talent is out there. Buuut, once all is said and done in the Cup, those guys tend to disappear faster than The Flash, and we are left with the same guys wrestling—you guessed it—the same guys. Again and again.
Cewsh: This is a match between two guys who were so over and so cool during the Attitude Era, that even now a decade later, fondness for both men remains absurdly high. As such, I must direct this message to any fan of these men who has not seen them since their hey day.
Ahem. DO NOT WATCH THIS MATCH.
In fact, don’t even read the rest of this match review. It will traumatize you so severely that your friends and family will weep bitterly at the bedside of the hollowed out husk of a man that you will have become. Spare your loved ones the torment and walk away now.
Alright let’s do it.
This match fucking sucked. It stunk up the place in every possible way. These two guys are so past their prime and out of shape at this point, that they hardly appear to belong working as a manager at a Krispy Kreme, much less having violent matches here. Raven is in the better shape of the two, but years of hard living, and a thyroid infection have caused his face to resemble a melting marshmallow. It pains me to say these things about the man, as I always thought highly of both his in ring skills and his mind for the business, but this is ridiculous. You just feel bad for him. “Vampire Warrior” is hardly better, as his bleach blond, velvet wearing ass is so distracting, that it took me the whole match to get over the fact that he has done PORN to get to the wrestling itself.
Oh and what a barnburner it was. At least 50% of this match consisted, literally, of Vamp wandering through the crowd and around the ring while Raven followed him. That’s it. They just walked around for awhile. Occasionally they exchanged offense so bad you wished they’d just keep walking, and then finally Raven sets up a table and sets it on fire. Vamp spends some time avoiding going through it, before he finally does, but not before one of his henchmen puts out the fire. This would have been a great touch except that Vamp all but kips up putting on his best “This was my plan all along” expression before jumping Raven. If it was such a fucking master plan, WHY DID IT INVOLVE YOU GOING THROUGH A TABLE?! Wow about a master plan where RAVEN goes through a table? And fuck man, you still went through a table, fire or not. You think maybe selling it for twelve seconds might help this match along?
Finally Raven sets up a table frighteningly close to the crowd, lights it on fire (as the crowd members flee their seats), and turns around just in time for Vamp to gore him through it. Hurrah, hurrah, a new era of wrestling has dawned and all that.
Thank Christ this didn’t get 5 more minutes.
37 out of 100
Vice: This match was pretty bad. Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement.
The heels(?) save Gangrel by extinguishing the flaming table just as he’s about to fly through it. It was awesome. This is amusing because Gangrel is smiling his ass off half a second later because the match was saved for him. While it’s a cool spot and being proud of yourself is all well and good.. you still just got thrown through a motherfucking table and onto the floor. Sell it, for god sake.
The end, on paper, probably sounds amazing. With a table propped up at an angle, ON FIRE, one man gets speared straight through it. Kinda like a Rhino gore, which are always awesome. Sounds like a badass finish, doesn’t it? I mean, if you take a great spot and add FIRE to the mix, you would probably think “well gosh jolly that must be brilliant!”, but that is very far from the case here. It was just kind of like “oh.. ok then” and being content that the match has come to an end.
Did I merely say content? I meant thank fuck, because that match was fucking terrible.
Cewsh: Orlando Jordan isn’t afraid of the Ultimate Warrior. Hell, why should he be? A man with hair like that could take on fucking Voltron.
What a pimp.
Segment 5 – NWE Crusierweight Championship – Spartan Warrior 3,000 BC (Barely Capable Of Reaching The Top Shelf) vs. Juventud (My Hero) Guerrera
Cewsh: Remember earlier when I said that everyone in this promotion has an over the top gimmick or IS an over the top gimmick? This match illustrates that better than any other on this card. First we have Spartan Warrior (Matt Cross) who is is wearing a costume and facial hair designed to make him look like King Leonidas from the years old movie, 300. Of course, Leonidas was a big bastard, and Matt Cross is probably 5’6 and a buck 50, so the comparison is kind of hard to work with at a certain time. Cross is known for high flying, and being an insane spot monkey all over the country, though his work is generally thought poorly of by all reviewers named Cewsh. He’s just parsley on the plate next to Juventud Guerrera, though, who comes out rapping his own theme music (which doesn’t contain any rapping) and dancing all over the place.
THE JUICE IS LOOSE!
Juventud Guerrera, in case you could use some context to our endless marking out over him, was a top cruiserweight in WCW who, when Vince Russo took over, basically was turned into a carbon copy of The Rock. Unfortunately, Guerrera spoke barely any English, so a long string of unintentionally (or maybe intentionally) hilarious promos ensued that are still big hits at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters.
This match is pretty much all about the Juice beating the shit out of SW3000BC (even the fucking abbreviation is too long!), while being his Juicy self and playing to the crowd which absolutely adores him. SW3000BC gets some offense in here and there, but this is as close to a squash match as you ever see in a cruiserweight match, until Juvi goes and collects a ladder. Well, I assume it’s a ladder. They do some climbing on it, but ladders are usually more than two planks held up by chopsticks, so I find it kind of hard to qualify. Juvi puts SW3000BC on the top turnbuckle, climbs the ladder and jumps halfway across the ring to land sitting on SW3000BC’s shoulders, and perform a hurracanrana. Holy fucking shit. The mere description of that move can’t sell to you the extraordinary skill and danger involved. If Juvi is off by an inch, then he could have crippled both of them. Just an unbelievable move that I would never condone, but can’t help but applaud. Best moment of the show so far, without question.
72 out of 100
Vice: Matt Cross is painfully bad, but can do flips and stuff so casual people (and ROH fans) are like ZOMG WOOO YAY MATT CROSS. Now don’t get me wrong, ‘cause this match wasn’t actually horrendous, but that is also because it featured Juvi and some weapons. Plus, Cross was dressed as King Leonidas. A very short King Leonidas, mind you.
Juvi is just so fucking awesome.
Cewsh: WARRIOR IS A WARRIOR.
This is among the phrases he utters during his 10 minute long rant backstage in what is probably intended to be a press conference, but winds up sounding more like an angry hobo berating children at the train station. That said, it was fucking amazing, and I could happily listen to my childhood hero talk nonsense about nothing in particular while looking like an insurance salesman after a nervous breakdown all day.
What a god.
Cewsh: Ordinarily I don’t point out the video packages done for individual matches, but this one for Jordan vs. Warrior deserves notice, mostly because it is just SO FUCKING GOOD. This would seriously be right at home at Wrestlemania, much less on this ridiculous, crazy European indy show. The production is great, the timing is great, the pacing is great, its incredibly emotional, and without a doubt, if anything needed to sell me on Orlando Jordan, this would have done it. He sells this match more in his facial expressions as he looks at his belt and at the empty ring than 100 promos could.
How this man has gone so long without getting a call up from a major American company baffles me. He is bleeding sports entertainment here as well as anyone in the industry could.
Segment 8 – Mask vs. Mask Match – Dark (Not Double) Dragon vs. Ultimo (Definitely Not Double) Dragon
Vice: Match is interesting with both men ripping up the other person’s mask. Definitely unique because it lets you see more emotions from the normally relatively emotionless wrestlers. Kinda like when Spiderman’s mask gets fucked up in the movies. Ultimo Dragon gets hadoukened, which was pretty awesome. It was good to see Ultimo Dragon wrestle again. I was always a big fan of his back in the days of WCW. He was a very unique wrestler and had a fantastic look. Masks are cool, but shoulder pads make you awesome. Rey Mysterio needs to take notes. It’s a shame that Dragon and WWE didn’t really work out. And it’s also a shame he fell during his Wrestlemania entrance. Dark Dragon isn’t anything special.
Dark Dragon loses his mask. Like 90% of people who hide behind masks, they had masks for a reason. Please put it back on. Ultimo looks shocked at the sight he sees, which means either he agrees with me that the guy is hideous and needs his mask, or that he knows who the guy actually is, and that I feel left out for not knowing. This is when watching stuff with foreign commentary can be difficult. Instead of it being some super huge “OH SHIT! NO WAY! THAT’S AWESOME!” moment, I just have a somewhat confused look on my face as I stare at an ugly man.
Cewsh: I tried to stir myself to deal with this match but to see what Ultimo Dragon is reduced to now is just kind of sad. He was a legend among legends and one of the very best wrestlers in the world before he went down with a disgusting injury. He stayed retired for years until he started his comeback, and ever since he’s just been pissing away what should have been an astonishing legacy. Here he is wrestling a complete nobody in a mask vs. mask match where the finish is never remotely in doubt, and then, after Dark Dragon does his best to fuck up a generic Ultimo match, Dark Dragon unmasks to the great shock and surprise of absolutely no one.
Its not like he’s Warrior for fuck’s sake. Its Ultimo fucking Dragon. The man of 1,000 belts, the flying king of the rising sun, the MAN of W.A.R. Seeing him this way is just too hard.
Vice is right though, Dark Dragon is one ugly dude. He should have to wear two masks. Possibly three, just to be safe.
64 out of 100
Segment 9 – (Team Patriotism and Bleached Hair) John Heidenreich and Chris Mordetzky vs. (Team We’re From Islands We Think) Black Pearl and Kishi.
Cewsh: As near as I can figure, the point of this match is that Mordetzky and Heidenreich are blonde Americans, and therefore are heels, and Kishi and Pearl are Islanders, which makes them faces. Now, obviously, neither of these two types are really designed to sell in Barcelona, Spain, but its Rikishi’s company, so he can pretty much do whatever he wants.
I’m not going to fuck you about trying to convince you that what these 4 individuals provided here was a good match. Rikishi was by far the best worker of these 4 in his prime, and that was about 10 years and 5,000 cheeseburgers ago. I will tell you that 3 of these 4 guys (sorry Pearl) are genuinely fun to watch do anything, even if its bad wrestling, and Mordetzky especially looks like an absolute star. The build, the cockiness, the style, it all gets a little lost in the shuffle in the WWE, but here it is frankly apparent that he is a cut above everyone he is in the ring with as far as potential and starpower is concerned.
These guys all dance around each other for awhile, while Kishi tries to sit on people, and Heidenreich tries to look really intense without ever actually performing any moves. Finally the match breaks down into a wild brawl where Kishi sits on Heidenreich’s face (and is really happy about it), Mordetzky slaps the Masterlock on a dwarf (I have no idea where he came from), and Black Pearl mysteriously disappears, to nobody’s great sadness. The match ends, the crowd sits on their hands, and everyone goes home. It was just that kind of match, really, where if it had never happened, you wouldn’t have missed it.
54 out of 100
Vice: Heidenreich is dressed up like Road Dogg in this match, rockin’ a silly hat, a tank top, and CAMOUFLAGE. So, with that said, it’s time for a terrible joke. When Heidenreich wears camouflage, what is his favorite game?
Man I am brilliant. As awful as that joke was, I found this match to be even worse. But, Heidenreich is okay in my book. Masters is pretty awesome, even though I think “Chris Mordesky” is a much better name. I’m still shocked at how people love Rikishi, as I am rather appalled by his sickening behind and how that’s like half the reason he has a career. And Black Pearl is, well, Black Pearl.
Cewsh: Okay, I’m going to have to preface this review by making sure you realize that I am in no way qualified to review this match objectively. Its Orlando Jordan, one of my favorite wrestlers, going up against The Ultimate Warrior, a man who was only behind Razor Ramon in my heart as a 6 year old. This is Nostalgia meets Awesome, and I’m anything but objective, despite my best attempts.
That said, HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS MATCH.
Jordan comes out with his pimpish entrance, and that same fine ass woman from the last show we did, and then the lights go down, the music hits, and Warrior comes charging out from the curtain, faster than he’s ever been before. He leaps into the ring and immediately begins tearing into Jordan, kicking his ass with punches and kicks so fast I could swear that they blur as they streak through the air. Jordan attempts to mount a comeback, but with the cheers of 5,000 Little Warriors coursing through his veins, the man, the myth, the machine cannot be stopped and he beats Jordan from pillar to post and takes complete control. Jordan manages to maintain a semblance of control by cheating in truly dastardly fashion, and trying to take the legs out from the Warrior, but it simply isn’t enough, and before he can do anything to stop it, Warrior sprints into the ropes, flies off with a picture perfect flying shoulder block, gets the pin, and becomes our new NWE World Heavyweight Champion. Motherfucker. I think I just had an orgasm.
Okay, you didn’t really believe all of that, did you? After all, Warrior is pushing 50, was never even a decent wrestler to begin with, and Orlando Jordan, wonderful though he is, is nowhere near capable of carrying someone like Warrior to a great match. Warrior apparently got injured running to the ring, and spent most of the match trying to work around his relative immobility by throwing a lot of punches and clotheslines that Jordan, to his credit, bumps around like a Superball for. Then finally Warrior lunges off the ropes, hits a pretty nice shoulder block and that’s all she wrote.
The thing is, though, while this wasn’t technically a great match or even a good one, this whole event wasn’t in any way about what happened inside of that ring. The atmosphere here, and the tension, and the sheer build led to this very short match being so euphoric that it didn’t really matter that Warrior could hardly move. Sometimes a match can hit you so emotionally that the rest can coast by. I can’t recommend this match or anything, don’t get me wrong, but I truly enjoyed this match and everything around it. Like I said, when it comes to Orlando Jordan vs. Ultimate Warrior, I can only be so objective.
79 out of 100
Vice: People think the love that OJ gets is just some twisted fabrication. A horribly sick, unfunny joke. Well, you dumbshits, OJ is fucking awesome. Yeah, saying he is a great worker is a bit of a stretch, but he is such a fantastic character. He just has the charisma of being an epic, larger than life superstar. When you have such a fantastic character, you can push him as an epic, larger than life superstar and it WORKS. When faces go up against him, they get cheered. When the jackass wins, people hate him. It just works. OJ is brilliant. Fuck you, WWE.
Warrior was old and broken down. And really old. And very Warrior-like.
What a man.
Not a very good match, per se, but it was still an awesome sight to see.
Cewsh: So you might be thinking, “Hey Cewsh. So is Warrior still the NWE champion? Can I go see him wrestling there now?” Nope. No you cannot, because as soon as he wins the belt, he proclaims that the match wasn’t about the belt and he doesn’t want it, he announces a tournament for the newly vacant title (he can make matches?), and then promptly retires. So I guess the whole idea of his return was just to make Jordan look like a bitch for fucking with him and make him go through a ton of arduous circumstances to get it back. Which is kind of awesomely dickish on his part and gets him a thumbs up from me.
Now put on a shirt old man, you look like an escaped mental patient from Arkham Asylum.
Cewsh: This was a show built around one match. There was some fun stuff here, and overall the show was much better than the last one we saw, but that stuff will all, historically, be a complete afterthought. The story here is that Warrior came, Warrior saw, and Warrior conquered. Frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Vice: Overall this was a fairly good show. It lacked legitimate greatness, but it had tons of random fun, ridiculousness, and Orlando Jordan. Pow.
Alright, that’ll do it for us this week ladies and gentlemen. We hope you enjoyed the one night only return of a childhood hero of mine and probably several of yours. While it may not have been an unforgettable event, it was damn sure a blast to review and we hope you had as much fun reliving it with us. Next week its back to serious business as we get ourselves amped right the fuck up for the 2nd biggest night of the American wrestling year. We’re talking TNA, we’re talking October, so its gotta be Bound For Glory. Not only will will go all out for this potential legendary event, but we even roped in Ms. Cewsh to provide some objective insight in her first (and possibly last) non WWE review. How will we all take to the biggest show of TNA’s year? Only one way to find out. In the meantime, kiddos, keep reading, and be good to one another.