Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only review brought to you in part by PBS and readers like you, Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we cross one of the oceans (take your pick) to arrive on the sunny beaches of Spain to review NWE’s Catch Direct 8: Episode 1. Now we’ve reviewed shows from all over the world before, but we’ve never visited our brothers in Europe, and with NWE causing quite a stir in those parts, their time has finally come.
Frankly, though, it’s a surprise we’ve never done them before. Orlando Jordan? Booked by Rikishi? Ultimate Warrior shows up sometimes? Yeah, you can count us in anytime, if for nothing else, then for the sheer absurdity of it all. Can Rikishi book? Will we have any idea what is going on? Will Cewsh blow a gasket at seeing Orlando Jordan again? Only one way to find out, and lucky for you, its to keep right on reading.
Cewsh: Alright, since we’ve never seen anything from this promotion before, first impressions are very important. Word for word my first impression of this show is “Holy fucking fuckshit there are a ton of goddamn people here!” I don’t know what I really expected, since I know practically nothing about the state of wrestling in Europe, but they have at least 5,000 people jammed into this place which looks like they turned an airplane hangar into a television studio. Its amazing, and the production quality is miles ahead of where it has any right to be. All of this cleverly masks the fact that there is absolutely no video or, indeed, intro of any kind. Which is weird to me since this is pretty much the television show for this promotion, but hey. No Papa Roach either. We’re going to call that one a win.
Cewsh: Okay, they’re opening this show with Chris Masters. Their place in my heart is virtually guaranteed. Black Pearl comes out looking all menacing and scary, and the fans are actually booing the shit out of him. So not only is there a huge crowd, but these guys are super over in front of them. Amazing.
As the match begins, two things become apparent almost immediately. The first is that Chris Mastaers is awesome and its terrific that WWE resigned him because he oozes potential, and the second is that the camera operators are entirely incompetent. They are cutting between camera angles every half second and every new camera angle captures the action less well than the prior one. It actually reminds me of Monday Night War era WCW where the camera men were constantly getting terrible shots because they had no idea how to shoot wrestling and what to look for. It was annoying then, and its downright distracting now.
These two guys get down to business, and this match is pretty much all Masters all the time. Masters stays in control virtually throughout the entire match, somehow managing to play both the role of face AND heel while Black Pearl is just kind of there taking the abuse. Then Masters slaps on his patented Masterlock, and the game instantly becomes the classic, “Can this random guy break out of the Masterlock?” Which of course he can’t, but what he CAN do is kick off, land on top of Masters and get the pinfall while still in the submission. Clever, Mr. Pearl. Very clever indeed. Masters is very unhappy about this, but since he’s both the heel and the face, he only accosts the referee, and doesn’t actually beat him up. Masters isn’t so much a shade of gray as he is a black and white cookie.
Mmm, delicious black and white cookie.
65 out of 100
Why do wrestlers jiggle their pecs? It just looks so silly and isn’t the least bit intimidating. However, it does provide fantastically funny visuals when Masters does it with a cheeky grin and is quite possibly the very best way I’ve ever started a review.
Black Pearl. Oh where to start with this fellow. He might not be a Hart. This guy might not be from Canada. He might not even be a fan of hockey. However, his finishing move is called the Pearl Jam, so Zen is going to be a huge fan of this guy. With a name like Black Pearl, I immediately figured he’d be of a pirate variety in terms of gimmick or character. But he isn’t really anything more than a guy who looks like he just came out of a wrestling school. Coming to the ring in a black cape/hoodie sort of thing doesn’t cut it. He surprised me a little bit, because he wasn’t offensive and the food I had just finished eating was safe in my stomach.
The match ends in a similar way to Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin. No, not the Wrestlemania encounter, but the other one. Masters has the Master Lock locked in, and Pearl jumps up on the ropes and shoots himself back, landing in a pinning position for the win. It’s a good finish, but it’s something that should be saved for a bigger match.
This match would be a little bit more significant to me if Masters was not back in WWE right now, but I actually have yet to see him in action since his return, so this was kind of cool. He really was underrated right before he left WWE the first time, and could have been a huge name in a few years. Not sure what the dude is like now, but hopefully he’s kept his brain.
Cewsh: Romeo, formally of the team of the Heartthrobs in WWE, comes out and is introduced as the rightful NWE Heavyweight Champion. He’s on crutches and cuts a promo about how Orlando Jordan’s goons came out and attacked him and stole his title, and about how he wants a title match once he heals up and is ready. Then, as is summoned from my very dreams, Orlando Jordan makes his way to the ring.
Let me try to paint a fuller picture for you. First, Orlando’s music hits. Then through the curtain comes a sexy woman carrying this huge awesome title belt in her hands. She is followed by 5 or 6 other sexy women, in the middle of which emerges Orlando Jordan looking like the slickest, most despicable record executive you’ve ever seen, and he’s flanked by two completely nondescript thugs who look like they’d kill you for fun or money, whichever came first. They stroll down to the ring, with Orlando dancing with all of the women and being buried in kisses, and then his thugs charge the ring and attack Romeo. He fights them off with his crutches, but Orlando attacks him from behind, beats him down with a crutch, and pins him. A referee counts to three, and they announce Orlando Jordan as the new NWE World Heavyweight Champion, while Romeo lies on the ground and screams “Noooo! Noooo!” in a very intense and emotional way.
From start to finish, this segment is maybe 5 minutes long. I shit you not when I say that this 5 minutes that I just watched made me willing to buy a PPV. Any PPV. Just put these two men on shit, and $40 will be arriving at your door as soon as I can get it there. Despite my linguistic efforts and skills, I am at a loss to express my enjoyment of Orlando Jordan properly. If this could be called a match, I’d give it a 100. Since I’m going to call it a segment, I’ll just call it FUCKING AWESOME.
Segment 4 – Big (Looks Better In A Dress Than Most Women) Vito vs. Jon (I Like Your Poetry) Heidenreich.
Cewsh: I am head over heels in love with this collection of talent. I mean, we’re talking about a promotion seemingly entirely comprised of everyone who ever had a run in WWE who I thought was awesome and everyone else hated. Its incredible. Its like they’re booking cards based entirely on my subconscious whims. Not since HUSTLE has a promotion made me so giddily happy just to be aware of its existence.
These two mat legends hop in the ring, and…the match lasts 1 minute. Vito clotheslines Heidenriech a few times, gives him a Back Body Drop and then the most obvious edit in wrestling history takes place and suddenly Vito is pinning Hedenreich for the three count, and runs to the back, while Heidenreich stands right up, blatantly cursing and looking upset in a very not fake way.
Near as I can figure, what is contained within that cut is a blown spot so bad that viewing it might actually melt your eyes out of your head like in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I imagine them running through at least 10 editors before they finally managed to completely seal the edit, and banish the evil sight from the world forever.
Any other reason would just be silly and odd.
50 out of 100
Vice: More WWE guys. Wooooo. I was never a fan of Vito, especially in the dress days, but there’s no denying that it got very over with the WWE [strike]fans[/strike] Universe. Well, back then I guess they actually were fans. Heidenreich was absolutely terrible when he first debuted. Green as grass, no pectoral muscles despite having a very muscular body, stupid tattoos, and looking like a typical “Vince wet dream”. Over time though, he got his act together and with some ridiculous character work, the anal raping of Michael Cole, liking what Gene Snitsky did with babies and writing some snazzy poetry, and through it all, he actually became quite entertaining. The fans also loved him, too. Just when he was finally becoming something, he was gone.
It’s fun to note that, just like Masters, Vito and Heidenreich are dressed and wrestlingexactly like they were in WWE a number of years ago. While it’s a welcome sight to see, it’s also somewhat discouraging in one sense and shows just how big WWE is for wrestling. It’s discouraging that when WWE releases talent, they often keep some variation of the name and character/gimmick that WWE gave them, because that’s really all they have. They don’t ever really evolve beyond that, though, which is kind of depressing. It’s the only thing keeping them from being a nobody. And even if they are actual nobodies, just showing your face on WWE television/PPV will up your status in the wrestling world by a fairly large margin. I’d like to see some guys break the mold though, and become something really different when they get their walking papers. Give WWE a reason to bring them back in.
This match lasted like three minutes and I seriously have no idea what the fuck happened. Heidenreich takes a back body drop, lands fine, and then there’s a massive (and rough) edit that cuts to Heidenreich laying on the canvas practically dead. Vito gets the three count and then Heidenreich gingerly springs to his feet and looks irritated with his head down. Huh?
I wish the commentary was in English or that I knew more about what was going on in this promotion. ‘Cause really, I have no idea what just happened. Did a match need to be cut for time and this was the easiest to do? Was it part of a story? Was there a massive botch? Was the match just THAT bad? Who knows. It was good seeing these two again, but I can’t say for a second that I was really impressed.
Segment 5 – NWE Juniorweight Championship – Ultimo (ULTIMATE) Dragon vs. Juventud (THE JUICE!) Guerrera vs. Matt (World’s Worst Wrestler) Cross vs. Jungle (Not X) Pac
Cewsh: This match is what industry professionals might refer to as “A fucking mess”. Time to pull out our handy, dandy, Cewsh Notes.
– The entrances tell you everything you need to know about these guys. Matt Cross has a huge beard and no personality, Pac comes out doing a tribal gimmick even though he’s the palest white boy you could ever find and is openly from Great Britain, Ultimo Dragon comes out with Super Nova and a midget, and Juventud Guerrera comes out wearing his old lucha mask and dancing with an actual, honest to god, donkey. Then he yells at the donkey when it wont dance with him. In other words, 2 people are out of place, one means business sort of, and The Juice is about to be unleashed. Love.
– The ladders set up at ringside are about 7 feet tall, and are actually painting ladders where only one side really has any rungs and the top is for stabilizing yourself. Not exactly meant for jumping off of.
– Juvi’s catchphrase, nickname, and favorite beverage are all, apparently, “The Juice”.
– Before the match starts Juvi talks to the crowd and his opponents. That would be a Mexican man speaking Spanish in Spain to a Japanese legend, his midget sidekick, a Tribal Brit, a donkey, another Mexican posing as a Japanese man, and an American with a Unibomber beard. I love professional wrestling.
– Ultimo Dragon doesn’t actually bother to wrestle in this match. Instead he sends Super Nova to do it for him. This is a mistake, as Nova kind of sucks, and proceeds to take a beating for ten minutes.
– This match is all about The Juice. As Juvi proceeds to be awesome and entertaining, I can’t help but speculate about an Orlando Jordan vs. Juventud Guerrera match sponsored by Tropicana. That shit could be legendary.
– As they start doing moves off the top rope, it becomes clear that this isn’t going to be an option, as the top rope sags almost to touching the bottom rope, with the damn midget standing on it, much less any of the other guys.
– The RKO, the 619, the Juvi Driver, the 450, the Shooting Star Press, the Moonsault and the sickest DDT I’ve seen in a long time. All just transition moves here at Indy World.
This match was a goddamn mess from start to finish, and after Ultimo opted out of competing the only thing with a chance to save it was Juvi, and save it he did. If I had never heard of him before, I would be marking out in Young Bucks like fashion over how fun to watch he was. As I know its pretty much par for the course for the Juice, I will instead say that this, too, was FUCKING AWESOME.
70 out of 100
Vice: These guys are using actual ladders here. I mean that in a bad way, too. But, Vice, don’t you hate obviously “fake” stuff? Yes, I do. However, the ladders WWE uses are MUCH better suited for matches like this. They can take a beating and remain sturdy enough to climb. Even the massive ones. They also allow more hard hitting spots, ‘cause wrestlers don’t have to fear breaking their only ladder they found on the side of the yard. The ladders here were awful and I was actually somewhat concerned for the wrestlers’ safety. They also look stupid and are very Hero!-sized. I mean, I think they could have just grabbed the title by jumping. But where’s the drama in that?
I was under the impression that Ultimo Dragon was in this, but apparently he was replaced by a guy named Super Nova. No, not Simon Dean. Dragon still came out for the entrance (with a mini Dragon, who is a rugged old midget) and hung around outside the ring. Fuck do I miss Ultimo. Matt Cross is a terrible wrestler, but he is a decent flyer and is fairly good at taking a beating. I don’t think too highly of Pac, either, but he can fly like a motherfucker. Do I need to say anything about Juvi? No, I don’t. It’s Juvi.
I wouldn’t say the match was very good by any human standards, but it got the job done for what it was. There was some high flying, contrived spots, ref bumps (what?), botches, cool stuff.. a little bit of everything. Except story, that is. Still though, I’ve seen far worse matches.
Juvi wins the title and further cements his status as one of the Top 30 human beings ever. It also doesn’t look like he’s aged a single year since I first saw over a decade ago.
Segment 6 – Tables Match – Trent (Very Likely On) Acid vs. Vampire (GANGREL) Warrior vs. Savio (Got Fired) Vega
Cewsh: Yeah, so, despite the match scores thus far, you’d probably get the impression that I was having the time of my life watching this show, right? Well you’d be entirely correct if you thought that. However, all great thing obviously must come to an end, and this one comes to a distinct splat right here.
These three men all come to the ring, and despite the fact that I vaguely remember all three of them, there’s really no affection for any of them from me. They get in the ring and begin having the worst triple threat match in the history of professional wrestling. I’m probably exaggerating here, but I can emphasize enough how absolute decrepit and free of any sort of redeeming value this entire experience was. For 10 minutes, three guys who all past their primes in the 90s (including the 20 something Acid) proceed to push each other about, and try their very hardest to not get put through tables made of wood so thin that if someone were hiding under it, you could see them through it.
Eventually someone goes through it and the bell rings, informing us for the very first time that this is a table match, which was definitely news to us. The entire experience of watching this match was roughly comparable to being smothered inside of a grapefruit made entirely out of deer testicles and broken dreams. I don’t know how that’s relevant either, but I feel very emphatic about this.
28 out of 100
Vice: Trent Acid’s shirt sums up everything there is to say about him. It simply says “WRESTLER” on it. Because, and I actually mean this, people might have trouble knowing that he’s a wrestler if he wasn’t wearing it. And even then, I’m thinking that most would just see it as a joke.. ‘cause it might be. Trent got a ton of praise in ROH because of his matches with Homicide, but they were only “good” because of Homicide. Firstly, the matches are awful by today’s standards. Second, Trent botches and ruins everything that could ever possibly be ruined in those matches. Why? He can’t wrestle.
I really haven’t seen enough Savio Vega to truly comment on the guy, but I think everybody knows that he was a WWF talent back in the day. I guess it’s alright that he’s still wrestling, but I’m not excited to see him wrestle by any means.
I was a huge fan of Gangrel back in the day. The Brood, to this day, still entertains me. The music, the entrance, the outfits, the BLOOD.. it’s all great stuff to me. Looking back, Gangrel was never really a great worker by any stretch of the imagination, but he was a solid character. Gangrel is also an amazing name, which makes it a shame that he has to go by the name Vampire Warrior these days. But hell, I don’t think WWE even owns the Gangrel name. Just like a ton of old WWE guys, Gangrel hasn’t changed a bit. He might be a little bit fatter and slightly older looking, but it’s basically the same. He still does the trademark goblet blood spit before entering the ring and all that. Why the fuck was he not wrestling when WWE’s version of ECW came about? He seemed like a perfect fit.
What a shitty match.
Cewsh: Alright. This match is a study in women’s wrestling. First we have Sarah Jones who actually is dressed like a wrestler, is very entertaining, and is heeling the shit out of everything in sight. She has, seemingly, a natural, athletic body, and radiates a sense of knowing what the shit she is doing. Then we get Miss B, who’s catchphrase allegedly is “Hot kiss” who is a 6 foot blonde with enormous fake breasts and not one single iota of a clue about what the fuck to do inside the ring.
Guess which of these represents the kind of women’s wrestling I’m inclined to give respect to?
They get in the ring, and Vito comes down to be the special referee. Jones immediately gets in his face, which leaves her wide open to have Miss B grab her face, rub it on her (Miss B’s) breasts, and then pin her as Vito makes the quickest count in the history of officiating. Yet another fantastic display of technical wrestling comes to a close. However, before we go to the next match, Heidenreich comes out of nowhere and beats up Vito for longer than their actual match lasted. Good times, I guess? This show is kind of sinking into the sludge here. Only one man is capable of saving it now…
40 out of 100
Vice: This was over in two minutes. Sarah wrestled. The other didn’t. The other won via what looked like shenanigans on the part of Vito. Heidenreich attacks Vito afterwards. Not even me farting would get an ovation after such a match/segment went down.
The other girl was absolutely dreadful, for real. She had disgustingly fake breasts and looked like a complete tramp. While such a thing worked for some people like Trish Stratus (pow!), this girl was just worthless. Oh well. At the very least though, and on a good day, I’d rail Sarah. That clearly has to count for something.
Don’t tell Daffers though. Shhhhh…
Segment 8 – NWE World Heavyweight Championship – Orlando (King Of My World) Jordan © vs. El Locale Jobbere (Nazareno).
Cewsh: Boo yeah! So, remember the Orlando Jordan entrance I mentioned earlier? Okay, now imagine he’s wearing a gold sequined robe, while gold confetti rains down like its New Years all around him, and half naked women accompany to ringside. Then he chooses the hottest one, and has her disrobe him in the ring as sexily as possible. Put it all together and you have possibly the most awesomely ridiculously eye-assaultingly awesome entrance in the history of professional wrestling.
Don’t believe me?
The Orlando Jordan, the Ultimate Man, proceeds to completely squash El Nazareno in about 30 seconds. Which is more time than anyone deserves in the ring with this brilliant man. He then cuts an amazing heel promo about Ultimate Warrior, who is in attendance in the front row. He talks about how he grew up watching Warrior, and how even though he was a great champion, time has entirely passed him by and he’s a huge bitch compared to Jordan. Which, of course, is entirely true. Jordan then informs Warrior that he should announce Jordan as the new champion, but Warrior, in the most coherent I’ve ever heard him, refuses. Then Jordan shoves the kid in warrior makeup that Warrior is with, and ITS ON.
Warrior throws Jordan into the ring, and is immediately jumped by Jordan’s thugs. He hulks up, and starts shaking the ropes, and against all odds, I start marking out like an 8 year old, because the fucking Ultimate Warrior is shaking the ropes to prepare to attack Orlando Jordan right here in front of me. Jordan wisely bails out, and Warrior holds the belt up and demands a World Championship match. In the words of the Great Warrior, “This will be a match that you will not forget because it will not bear forgetting.”
Did we get a picture? You’re god damn right we got a motherfucking picture. Peep this.
Goofy? Absolutely. Cheesy? More than a little. An absolute mark out moment, the like of which I would never have believed possible? Oh hell yeah. This is the stuff dreams are made of ladies and gentlemen. This is what they invented the word legendary for. Amazing.
Now where can I send my $40?
60 out of 100 (for the match)
Vice: Ok, so I was originally going to leave it at just “Orlando Jordan is god”, but I realized that 1) our sponsors would not appreciate such a thing, as I do need to reach a minimum number of words, 2) I really just can’t not talk more about Orlando Jordan and 3) I have yet to make a Matthew joke. While the first two have been absolutely essential for the past few months, the third one is now officially essential. When I renewed my Cewsh Reviews contract, I was only able to sign it if I made fun of Matthew in every review. I got a sweet bonus from it, though.
Anyway, Orlando is up against an absolute nobody here. A complete jabroni that looks like an inbred Italian from New Jersey had sex with a woman with Down ’s syndrome and 9 months later, out came little Matthew. I mean, El Nazareno. Yeah. This guy is really out of his league here. He makes his entrance and no one cares. Then the magic happens. Orlando Jordan, baby. What a fucking entrance, too. He seriously looks like a superstar. He’s in an awesome gold robe, and has shiny gold confetti shooting out of cannons and looks like the most badass son of a gun with his entourage that consists of four of the hottest pieces of ass the country can offer. The standout one, which he carries into the ring, is wearing a skirt that covers roughly 1/3 of her ass and she’s wearing a lovely thong. At this point, it’s clear that WWE made a ridiculous mistake in losing Orlando Jordan, because this man just screams MONEY.
He’s up against an idiot, and the match is basically 5 minutes of Jordan making him look like an even more worthless piece of crap somehow, before finally ending the madness and pinning him. I don’t exactly approve of squash matches for the main event, but this was done extremely well. Plus it had a great lead-in to the post-match shenanigans.
THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR, baby. Sitting ringside throughout the main event (or whole show, not sure), Jordan picks a fight with him. After a verbal exchange between the two and a third person, a kid, Orlando has had enough.
Pow. Jordan is now officially a legend in my book after holding the kid’s arms up and then just pushing him like a little bitch. It was such a dickish heel thing to do. Jordan is made to be a massive deal here. Say what you will about the Ultimate Warrior, but he was and still IS a huge name when it comes to wrestling for whatever reasons you’d like to think. He hadn’t wrestled in years and years and years, and came out of retirement to face Orlando Jordan at the following show. This wasn’t a Terry Funk retirement or a Hulk Hogan retirement. This was an actual good, long, solid retirement that Warrior came out of. Was he in desperate need of money? One last shot at glory? Bored? Doesn’t matter. He came out to fight Orlando Jordan.
I really wasn’t too high on Orlando Jordan when he was in WWE, as I found him pretty bland for the most part aside from his cool attire and hair. I didn’t care when he parted ways. Now I feel like WWE really fucked up. And you know how earlier in my review I mentioned former WWE wrestlers sticking to what they were given, ‘cause that’s all they have? And that they need to go above and beyond? Yeah. Be like Orlando Jordan.
Say it with me, folks.
Cewsh: If you look at the score of this show, you might believe that it was absolutely terrible. It wasn’t. This entire show and everything that happened in it, actually clocked in at one hour and twelve minutes, and in the space of that time they created a desire in me to see more of their stuff so strong that I was downloading before I was halfway through it. The match quality left a shitfuckton to be desired, but this was just a television show. I can’t wait to see a full show of theirs. Cannot fucking wait.
Will we return to NWE in the future? You bet your ass we will. Simple as that. I direct your attention to Vice’s score to get a more accurate view on the quality of this program.
Vice: I was thirsty heading into this show, and with THE JUICE winning the cruiserweight title and OJ being a star, boy did that thirst of mine get quenched.
While I haven’t really said anything “great” about any match on this show, it was very enjoyable in the end. It was fun seeing a bunch of former WWE talent, whether it was for the best or the worst. Plus it had a little bit of everything in terms of different kinds of matches, characters, screwy finishes, ORLANDO JORDAN and THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR, women, and foreign languages. Something for everybody. Plus the entire show was only about 75 minutes, which made it an easy watch. Ironically, the shortest show we’ve ever done (I think) gives me the biggest headache in terms of finishing the review (life gets in the way), and Cewsh and I are turning this in way late. Funny how that works, right?
This promotion has a lot of potential and I look forward to more shows if we can find them.
It has come to the attention of the venerable Cewsh Reviews team, that something that we have come to know and love, has left us, and departed the mortal coil, as it were. The joy it has given us over the years is beyond measure, and we have shared many a laugh and many, many tears while enjoying its company. So it is with a heavy heart that we must inform you that IWA:MS, that greatest of all wrestling federations, has ceased its business operations. Effectively, it has wished all of us the best in our future endeavors.
Of course, we will go into more detail on this later, but for now, let us remember the good times. The highs, the lows, the other lows, and the super duper ultra lows. Tonight we close the book on IWA:MS, and while this is truly devastating for anyone who ever loved to watch…erm…for anyone who truly had a love for the…hmm…for all members of Ian Rotten’s family, let us look on the bright side. Egotistico Fantastico is out of a job. SUCK ON THAT FLOPPY MASK BOY. NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE.
This is your Cewsh Review Team, keeping it classy, and bidding Ian Rotten good day.
Alright boys and girls, that’ll do it for us for another night. We hope you enjoyed exploring all of the possible juice references that we could pack into a single review, and we hope you enjoyed the show enough to give NWE a shot in the future. Rarely have we found an indy show anywhere that contained an honestly special moment, but this one well and truly did. Speaking of special moments, we’re planning on getting buried underneath a pile of the kind of special moments only Gabe Sapolsky can provide, as we proudly review the very first show of the brand new Dragon Gate USA promotion, being booked by, you guessed it, Gabe Sapolsky. For the record, also, thank you for not bitching us out for being a few days late this week. Having a real life that gets in the way of watching wrestling is no life at all. We’ll be back to normal next week, and its entirely possible that we will be better than ever. Or not. In the meantime, just be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another.