Dramatic Dream Team Proudly Presents…
DDT Peter Pan In Ryogoku 2011
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviews that you can find in vending machines all over Japan next to the used panties, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we truck right along with the Puro Party, and cover our very first DDT show here with DDT’s Peter Pan in Ryogoku 2011. Now, for this Panda Puro Party, we’re bringing you the biggest shows of the Japanese wrestling year, from company’s biggest events, to shows with matches of huge significance, to epic, industry changing shows from the past. This one, well, at the very least I can say that it is by far DDT’s biggest show of the year, as they bring together wrestlers from all over Japan to compete in one of the most high profile events on the wrestling calendar. There are great champions, up and comers, and some genuine big names. Sounds like a credible show, right? Sure, absolutely. Lots of intrigue and story. That’s…that’s what is in store for you here.
Look, I’ll level with you. Things are going to get batshit up in here. Buckle up.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 – “So What If We Just Shoot A Bazooka At The Fireworks In That Guy’s Ass?”
Cewsh: It seems likely that at some point in the planning of this, their biggest event of the year, someone has to have leaned over to someone else and uttered that very sentence. And instead of being ridiculed or fired on the spot for suggesting as much, the second man had to have looked back at him and said “Hmm, alright, but only if we can get Dick Togo to shoot the bazooka.”
Oh are you not believing that this actually happened? Feast your eyes, boys and girls.
It Could Be Worse For The Guy, But I’m Not Sure How.
That is an opening ceremony that puts any Olympics to shame and should make Lilian Garcia flee to Antarctica in disgrace. And here’s the best part. The crowd is TOTALLY UNFAZED BY THIS HAPPENING. They chuckle and enjoy it, and that’s it, like they’re used to seeing men’s asses explode with sparkles every day of the year. If that isn’t a clear warning of what is to come, then nothing is. Beware, noble traveler. If you don’t turn back now it will be too late.
Segment 2 – DDT Iron Man Heavymetalweight Title – Battle Royal – Tons Of Goddamn Weirdos.
Cewsh: This is a battle royal for a title. New people enter at two minute intervals and eliminations occur via pinfall or submission or being thrown over the top rope. Makes sense right? Almost sounds like a credible match that defies my warnings up to this point. Allow me to set about disabusing you of that notion. First of all, this championship has previously been held by such luminaries as a blow up doll and an actual physical ladder.
No, Seriously. It Fell On A Guy And Won.
It also has 24/7 rules like the old WWF Hardcore title, and, not surprisingly, that has resulted in EIGHT HUNDRED AND SIXTY NINE champions thus far.
Second of all, well let’s just take a look at the match. Also, it should go without saying that I have no idea who the hell is who in this match. So I will be indentifying them as best as I can.
First the champion comes out. He’s a credible looking guy who cuts a crowd pleasing promo. He seems to demand some competition for his prized champion, so from the back comes the first challenger to his throne.
Gorgeous Matsuno Has Entered The Match.
This gentleman is named Gorgeous Matsuno and walks to the ring with all of the spryness of a corpse as he sings karaoke ballads to his opponent. He is DEAD SERIOUS about this, not joking at all and he is met with raucous cheers from the crowd who apparently adore him. His entrance takes up the entire 2 minutes between entrants so out comes another guy who looks like he belongs on the cover of Japanese Tiger Beat magazine.
Flippy Guy Has Entered The Match.
He starts flipping all over the ring and generally being actually really impressive to watch. He and the champ go at it until the countdown abruptly begins again. Really? Already? That couldn’t have been more than like 30 seconds. Its hard enough to follow this without you guys changing the rules on me!
Princess Adorabelle Dearheart Has Entered The Match.
Okay. Now a young lady straight off the set of the Hello Kitty animated television show has shown up and the guys immediately begin kicking her. This doesn’t last long, as she promptly starts KICKING EVERYONE’S ASS. It gets so bad that Flippy Guy starts begging off, begging to be left alone, but this ruffle covered cyborg doesn’t understand human concepts like mercy and batters away on what was previously an annoyingly good looking face. Who will save him?
Japanese Romeo Has Entered The Match.
Um, interesting. This guy comes running down to the ring with a rose in his mouth. He walks over to Ms. Dearheart and pats her on the head and gives her his rose, suggesting that she remain safe in the corner while he protects her. This is despite the priorly mentioned ass kicking. She doesn’t seem all that enthusiastic about his offer of help. He sloppily kicks Flippy Guy a few times while Ms. Dearheart takes this opportunity to take a break in the corner and Gorgeous Matsuno takes this opportunity to fill out some insurance paperwork at a ringside table. Finally deciding he ought to do a move or something, Matsuno gets in the ring and performs the single greatest maneuver in wrestling history.
Such Beauty Of Form And Motion.
…after which everyone in the entire match covers this dangerous lunatic at the same time to eliminate him.
Gorgeous Matsuno Has Been Eliminated By Everyone.
Then a weird hobo in boxing gloves shows up.
Hobo Boxer Has Entered The Match.
Hobo Boxer promptly punches everyone dead in the face, until Romeo fights back. All is going well until Hobo Guy remembers he has a punch button on his controller.
Then he gets to Ms. Dearheart, who ducks it a punch and delivers a soccer kick to the balls that will leave that man reconsidering his family planning situation for days.
Star Girl Has Entered The Match.
Now another young lady has appeared to challenge Ms. Dearheart and Flippy Guy for the title of most adorable person in this match. She also has a title belt, which in this promotion could mean anything from her being the women’s champion here to her being the Intergalactic Taco Eating Champion. Not enjoying the competition, Ms. Dearheart goes right after her and they start to throw down harder than any guy in this match so far. At one point the countdown starts prematurely, but then it finally goes and we get…
Umbrella Guy Has Entered The Match.
A guy with an umbrella and a SARS mask is now suddenly on the ramp. His entrance music was literally one thunder sound and that’s it. Meanwhile Star Girl is kicking every man she can find in the forehead. To foil this, Japanese Romeo suddenly appears with a bouquet of flowers for her. She takes them, bows graciously with a big smile on her face, and promptly kicks his head into the third row. Because she’s just hard like that.
Japanese Romeo Has Been Eliminated By Flippy Guy.
Then the best thing I have ever seen happens.
And To Think, All Your Blow Up Doll Does Is Lie There And Judge You.
The Blow Up Doll Has Entered The Match.
If you aren’t able to view that video (unlucky bastard) what happened is all the lights went out and suddenly the Undertaker’s Ministry of Darkness theme starts blaring. Despite the fact that this is an indy show in Japan, and this match has previously featured a bunch of jobber oddballs just for a second, JUST FOR A SECOND, I thought that it might really be the Undertaker here for no reason. When the lights came back up, what I got was even better. A blowup doll is in the middle of the ring with his plastic hand at Flippy Guy’s throat. Through some kind of insane magic, Flippy Guy gets his ass chokeslammed to hell by the vicious Blow Up Doll of Doom.
What part of that doesn’t sound ball explodingly awesome?
Flippy Guy then goes for a chokeslam of his own, only to have it reversed into a victory roll by a goddamn blow up doll, and is promptly pinned. Because why in the shit not?
Flippy Guy Has Been Eliminated By The Blow Up Doll.
The Barbarian Has Entered The Match.
No, not actually THE Barbarian, but A barbarian shows up looking like he means business. He goes to take the champion out, but waits, mid punch, until he’s finished being introduced because hey, a man’s gotta have style. He knocks the champion down, and coincidentally, our champion gets a fabulous view of Star Girl’s heaving busoms. This distracts him for a solid 5 minutes until finally he and Barbarian team up to Superkick Ms. Dearheart and eliminate her.
Princess Adorabelle Dearheart Has Been Eliminated By The Barbarian and The Champ.
Emi Sakura Has Entered The Match.
Hey kids, its joshi legend Emi Sakura, here to lay a serious beatdown on Star Girl! She brutalizes our champion (of something or other) and eliminates her with a gleeful grin, because you don’t fuck with Joshi girls.
Star Girl Has Been Eliminated By Emi Sakura.
BREAD MAN Has Entered The Match.
Oh shit, its BREAD MAN, who you may remember from the Bread Eating Deathmatch we reviewed for the CRIHAOSMUTDC2: EB. He’s exactly as ugly as I remember him. He beats up all the whippersnappers, until he comes to Emi who holds up the blow up doll to protect herself. Then suddenly the blow up doll goes on the attack, inconceivably doing a drop kick where it stays in the air for upwards of a full minute as it sweeps all over the ring like a tornado, annihilating everyone. The Blow Up Doll then cruelly turns on Emi and Victory Rolls her, only to have it reversed into a pin! The Blow Up Doll has been screwed!
The Blow Up Doll Has Been Eliminated By Emi Sakura.
Riki Sensyu Has Entered The Match.
Riki Sensyu is a parody of noted Japanese wrestling legend Riki Choshu. He wear the same gear and does the same moves, with the added caveat of not being an enormous fat fuck like the real deal. This may seem like part of the wackiness, but honestly this is totally normal in Japan and people treat it like a normal gimmick. He weakly lariats everyone before locking the Sharpshooter on Hobo Boxer, who taps immediately, figuring that the ham sandwich he was paid for this is no longer worth it.
Hobo Boxer Has Been Eliminated By Riki Sensyu.
Jiggles The Clown Has Entered The Match.
Now an old man with the jiggliest chest I have ever seen and an enormously hairy back has shown up sporting the single most enormous pair of pants in the history of pants. Apparently this makes him a badass though, as he immediately eliminates Riki Sensyu.
Riki Sensyu Has Been Eliminated By Jiggles The Clown.
Man, this match has been crazy. But at least we’ve reached the peak right? What could be better than what we’ve already seen?
Mr. #6 Has Entered The Match.
Not only does this little boy enter the match, but he makes everybody get out of his fucking way so that he can do his pose on all of the turnbuckles like he’s fucking Stone Cold Steve Austin. And they do. Because that’s how awesome this kid is. When he’s done, the guy who came down with him suddenly grabs him and announces that he’s holding the kid hostage unless everyone does what he says. He makes everyone kneel down in a line in front of the kid and put their hands behind their heads, and being the kind hearted people they are they do it. Then the boy and his kidnapper pull a twist of M. Night Shyamalan proportions.
This Here What You Call Domination.
The kid does the Great Muta hand sign and then plows into the group with an earth shattering Shining Wizard. Then, in a dastardly DOUBLE twist, the guy promptly headbutts the kid in the stomach and does 116 crotch chops like he’s X-Pac on crystal meth. He beats on the kid for awhile but the kid fights back and locks in a chickenwing full nelson that actually causes the guy to tap out…despite his not actually being in the match.
Some Guy Is More Or Less Eliminated From A Match He Wasn’t In.
Then BREAD MAN and Jiggles decide to get down to some good old fashioned sumo wrestling. BREAD MAN fails utterly, so the kid gives it a shot.
The old man accidentally runs right past him and in unceremoniously lifted over the top rope by Barbarian. The kid is invincible!
Jiggles The Clown Has Been Eliminated By The Barbarian.
The kid climbs up to the top rope and promptly delivers on of the most beautiful hurracanranas that I have ever seen, making Lita cry into her chai latte somewhere in South America. Emi Sakura comes over to congratulate him with a big hug but proves that she’s a horrible heel by turning his mask around backwards so he can’t see at all. She takes this opportunity to gently (it is a kid after all) eliminate him to huge boos from the crowd. Only cheating could defeat this proud warrior child. How villainous.
Mr. #6 Has Been Eliminated By Emi Sakura.
This leaves us with Emi, Barbarian, BREAD MAN and the Champ left in the ring. FINAL FOUR.
Emi ballshots the Champ and Barbarian and shows a bra strap and blows a kiss to BREAD MAN.
This Is His Horny Face. Terror Is A Natural Reaction To It.
Implied boobage being his ultimate weakness, he lurches forward to her aid and attacks the other two who immediately eliminate the poor guy.
BREAD MAN Has Been Eliminated By The Champ.
Without her knight in yeasty armor, Emi doesn’t make it much longer as she walks into a stiff double superkick.
Emi Sakura Has Been Eliminated By The Champ.
And then there were two. The defending champion, having been in this match since the very beginning, and the bigger, stronger Barbarian out for gold. The Champ dominates for awhile until the Barbarian decides that he’s had enough and LOWERS THE STRAP like Jerry Lawler. From here on the two just punch each other in the face continually for a solid minute straight. Finally Barbarian locks in a nasty Octopus Stretch to finally end this epic battle royal and win the title once and for all.
The Champ Has Been Eliminated By The Barbarian.
That was an amazing experience and I am exhausted.
75 out of 100.
Vice: This was one of the best starts to a show I’ve seen in a looooooooooong time. It was packed full of everything. It had lots of awesome action, comedy, men and women, crazy gimmicks and even a blowup doll wrestler. It was fantastic. The transitions were great, too. The tempo would keep shifting around so that there wasn’t ever any boredom.
The blowup doll was especially awesome. I wish WWE would have some comedy matches. They are so lovely. I mean seriously, a blowup doll. And one dude not only sold it better than John Cena ever will, but he went the extra mile and even put the damn thing over. In a clean, convincing manner. What a man.
Speaking of man, it was great seeing women in there. Especially because they were holding their own for a while.
There was also a kid in there, and it provided one hell of a laughing fit for me. Jesus christ I was biting my lip trying not to wake the entire neighborhood up. The kid is going to be a legend.
Good lord this battle royal was a hoot and a half.
The Barbarian Over Everyone Else.
Cewsh: A NEW CHALLENEGER HAS ENTERED THE RING.
As the Barbarian walks down the ramp to the back to take a well deserved rest, he is ambushed at extremely low speed by none other than the Gorgeous one himself. He gives Barbarian an incredibly sad looking school boy and wins the title! Upset of the year! Holy shit!
Dreams do come true.
Segment 3 – Team Betrayed (Sanshiro Takagi, Hikaru Sato, Takao Soma, Kazuki Hirata and Akito) vs. Team Has A Shit (Yoshiaki Yago, Tomomitsu Matsunaga, Super Shit Machine, Kengo Ohka and Minoru Suzuki).
Cewsh: Without Frosty here, I’m sort of at a loss as to the exact events that prompted this match. One of the guys on Team Betrayed was betrayed and was very upset about it, and the heel are under the influence of the nefarious scourge of Japanese wrestling himself, Minoru Suzuki. Suzuki is like what would happen if you took Antonio Inoki and Jeff Hardy and put them in a blender until the blender spat out the remains out of fear. So you can imagine that the heels are exactly getting heartwarming lessons in do goodery from the man. So here the faces are out for revenge.
Also the heels have a shit I guess.
They Seem Really Happy About It Too.
This is very much a classic Survivor Series style elimination match. Each team has a captain, an enforcer and a pretty boy and the pretty boys sell their asses off while the enforcers destroy. At one point Tomomitsu Matsunaga whips out some kid scissors and starts trying to cut the hair of Takao Soma, which seems mean of him, and since it’s the pretty boy the crowd are very upset about it. Eventually its down between Matsunaga and Soma and the go at it full tilt for a long time until the pretty boy finally puts the beast down with a flying legdrop off the top to give his team some redemption.
This was a solid midcard match, that actually did a great job of getting Matsunaga over as the most evil fuckhead the world has ever known and an enormous threat to boot. Funnily enough, doing that got Soma boy over for beating him. Showing conclusively, once again, that winning matches is not the only way to get a good push. Let’s all remember this the next time that CM Punk loses to Hardcore Holly (which admittedly, might not be for awhile).
69 out of 100.
Vice: It was fairly jarring when this match came on. The battle royal was very light hearted overall, and this one was quite serious. Going into this show, I was thinking it’d be like Hustle where its all wild and crazy shenanigans, and then like 5 minutes into this match, I was like “wait a sec, this is an actual match!”
It wasn’t a bad match, and there were parts I liked, but overall I wasn’t really feeling it. Still though, everyone there seemed to at least be working hard, so I have to give them credit for that. With the match before it, it had some mighty shoes to fill.
Team Betrayed Over Team Has A Shit Following A Diving Leg Drop.
Segment 4 – This Man Is Wearing Cat Ears.
Yep, There He Is.
Cewsh: And no, it is not explained why.
Segment 5 – IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship – Kota Ibushi © vs. Prince Devitt.
Cewsh: If you’re a good little Cewshketeer, you will recall our review of NJPW Dominion from two weeks ago in which we detailed how Kota Ibushi finally broke through the glass ceiling one won the IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Championship, the most prestigious such title that has ever existed. He lifted it off of Prince Devitt and brought it back to DDT, his home promotion, and told Devitt that if he wanted his rematch he’d have to come to DDT to get it. So here they are, the biggest draw by far on DDT’s biggest card of the year, fighting for the most prestigious prize available. And this time, Ibushi has the home field advantage.
They make their way out for the match and Ibushi gets the hero’s treatment, with banners bearing his name all spotlights galore. Ibushi is the star of this promotion and they make it so clear, both with the production and the crowd’s responses that this may as well be RVD vs. Cena at the Hammerstein Ballroom.
The Conquering Hero Returns.
Devitt remains unfazed, however, and looks focused in and ready to go as always, odd against him or no.
If you have ever seen these two wrestle before, then watching any of their matches immediately makes you refer back to the previous ones. They have wrestled so frequently, and so well, that it has become one of those rivalries where it isn’t a matter of whether the match will be good, but whether they’ll top themselves this time around. Last time at Dominion, I said that they produced magic in one night, with Ibushi’s triumphant ascension to the throne and naturally that would be hard to top. Perhaps intelligently, they don’t set out to top themselves here. What we get instead is almost a match designed solely to put over Ibushi. He hits all of his signature moves, shows his trademark mind blowing athleticism, and ultimately he gets the decisive victory over his eternal rival in a moderately short match for these two, to absolute approval from his adoring public.
Let’s be clear here. If I made this match seem like a let down, that’s only in the context of their amazing rivalry (which also includes tag team partners Kenny Omega and Ryosuke Taguchi). These two individuals may have more in ring chemistry together than any two wrestlers in the world right now and this whole thing is so smooth, exciting, and intense that if you’re a first time viewer of these two, you’ll hardly apply the word “underwhelming” to this in any way at all. So if anything, they’re just the victims of their own success. And from where I sit, that’s the best sort of problem to have.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: Now this was a fucking match. I could watch these.two all the time. It still baffles me how Ibushi defies gravity like he does, and so fucking effortlessly. Devitt is great, and I’m glad to see.him joining the Wrestling Revolution thing. Should get him some good exposure, hopefully. I’d like to see him out of Japan for a bit to see how well he does.
This was great stuff.
Kota Ibushi Over Prince Devitt Following The Phoenix Splash.
Segment 6 – Bob Rules/Gay Rules Match – Bob Sapp vs. Danshoku Dino.
Cewsh: Sometimes people ask us how we choose which reviews to do in a given year. There are a lot of answers to that, from reader demand, to whether or not a good one was requested when we were out of ideas, to events in the wrestling world making the show significant. There are many, many ways to choose, some better than others. But then sometimes, very rarely, a show or a match comes across our desk that is so balls out amazing and ridiculous that we have no choice BUT to review it.
This, boys and girls, is the king of those matches.
Bob Sapp, beloved Japanese cultural icon, sometime MMA fighter, and occasional wrestler is a behemoth of a man, so heavily muscled that he makes Brock Lesnar cry into his creatine and so charismatic that all compasses point to him when he enters the room. But according to the story of this match, he’s a down of his luck fighter who can’t get any work anywhere. But when he sees a flyer for the big DDT show, he realizes that its time to cash in. He came to the DDT bookers and begged for a match and they agreed, as long as it be with Danshouko Dino. Sapp agreed, not having any idea who that was and not caring, and the match was on.
But Bob Sapp should have done his homework.
See, because Mr. Dino is the most notorious wrestler on the entire Japanese independent scene. Why, you ask? Well let’s just say that you may have seen his finisher before. The Ballgag Driver.
Yes, indeed. Mr. Dino is a wrestler whose entire moveset revolves around either his cock or yours, and he is coming for Bob Sapp. This doesn’t begin to sink in for Bob until they have the greatest contract signing ever, that results in him wearing a wig and signing a contract that had been rubbed on Dino’s nuts.
All Future Contract Signings Will Have To Live Up To This One.
And finally, now here’s the match. The rules are as follows. The match will have 3 rounds, each lasting 3 minutes. In round 1, it would be Bob Rules, meaning that MMA shootfight rules were in effect. In round 2 it would be Gay Rules, meaning that the touching of genitals would be entirely legal and encouraged. Finally, in round 3 we’re back to Bob Rules. The odds seem stacked in the Sapp man’s corner, but Dino may have a trick up his sleeve. Or rather, his pant leg…
As round one begins, Sapp is as overconfident as it is possible to be and not already be drinking at the bar after a victory. He bullies the much smaller Dino all over the ring, taking his time and punishing Dino whenever he feels so inclined. Dino takes the abuse stoically and just tries to hold on until the end of the round which finally, mercifully, comes to save his life. Sapp goes back to his corner in such good spirits that I think he may have actually skipped the whole way there.
Round 2 is a toooootally different story. Sapp comes out trying fight just like next time and Dino immediately begins assaulting Sapp’s nutsack like it contains the map to Atlantis. He molests Sapp all over the ring, at one point pulling down his own pants to literally teabag the man, before flopping down on top of him to hump wildly, wearing nothing but a leopard g-string.
Screencap Department: “Why Do You Guys Always Want Pictures Of Guys In Thongs?”
Sapp, accustomed to, you know, actually fighting people, has no idea how to respond to this obscene onslaught and flees the best he can. The crowd cheers wildly for Dino as he tries his best iron Sheik imitation to the tune of Sapp’s increasingly high pitched wails of desperation. This might be more disturbing if not for the fact that Sapp is turning in the comedic performance of a lifetime, delivering solid gold facial expression and appearing on the verge of tears while shouting “NO FAIR!” at the hapless referee. Finally the bell rings, and not a second too soon for Sapp, who after that may start spontaneously passing out every time he sees leopard print from here on.
Sapp begins to regain some of his swagger now that the nightmarish round 2 is over, and he even dandles the ring girl on his knee and stares pointedly at Dino as if to prove that he totally isn’t gay for realz. Dino, for his part, looks defeated. He had his chance in his special round to win, but now its back to Sapp Time and his odds are incredibly low of pulling this one out as Sapp starts pounding on him once again (unfortunate choice of words there). Suddenly, out of the blue, Dino lunges for Sapp and pulls his pants down, exposing the Beast’s copious tighty whiteys. Sapp looks stunned at this like he’s King Hippo or something, and as he goes to pull them up he receives a tender, loving kiss on the lips.
He then gets his face shoved into Dino’s tights for the Driver and is finally quenched with a roll up on the thoroughly confused bigger man.
Bet You Weren’t Expect To See This When You Woke Up This Morning.
Sapp seems utterly defeated as he leans against the ropes, and Dino gets a microphone and asks him whether or not after all of that, he’s willing to admit that he’s gay. Sapp denies this vehemately, but then various wrestlers start popping up admitting that they’re gay. Then the entire locker room comes out and admits that THEY’RE gay. Then the whole fucking CROWD stands on their feet and admits that THEY’RE gay. At which point Sapp looks around shyly, and raises his hand, admitting that he to is gay.
Aww, Look At Him.
Then the entire locker room and crowd, as one, and yell a combined “PSYCHE!” and cheer wildly at getting Sapp to admit that he’s gay. Sapp, now defeated beyond any mortal reckoning, flees to the back, hoping never to be seen again.
How on earth is one to rate this as a match? From a technical standpoint there WAS NO MATCH. What there was, was vigorous humping and occasional punching. But the entertainment value of this match is miles off the charts orbiting somewhere around, yes I’m going to say it, Uranus. Bob Sapp turns in the performance of a lifetime here, and it suggests every bit of the charm and willingness to humiliate himself that made him such a big star in Japan in the first place.
It was just…you know? I’ve never done this before, and may never do it again, but you’re going to need to experience this one for yourself.
70 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: Now this was just a ridiculous display of.. something. Quite frankly, I have no idea what to think about this. It’s just that crazy of a “match”. I’m putting it up there with the bread eating deathmatch in terms of silly shit I never thought I’d live to see. It was a terrible match, but it was wild and entertaining. Plus it featured Bob Sapp for fuck sake. That alone makes it awesome. He is a fantastic man.
Dansouko Dino Over Bob Sapp Following ULTRA SHENANIGANS.
Segment 7 – KO-D Openweight Title – Shuji Ishikawa © vs. KUDO.
Cewsh: Main event time. Chuckle time is over.
Almost at odds with the tone of the rest of the show, this match is dead fucking serious. KUDO, a 10 year veteran of DDT, is finally getting his shot at the big leagues after working his way up from the very bottom of the wrestling industry little by little. Its his time to finally make something of himself, but he knows full well that he’s going to have to go through hell to get there. That particular hell is a man named Shuji Ishikawa, and he is bigger, stronger, more experienced, and a better ring general than KUDO is. The champ is champ for a reason and he’s not going to move to the side so some new kid can sit on his throne, and that’s the gist of the whole hype leading up to this match. KUDO has to defy incredible odds to reach for the stars, while Ishikawa is respectful, but dead serious about being willing to put a halt to any dream that interferes with his reign as champion. This is the good shit, kids. Buckle up.
Now if you’re still in “this is a ridiculous comedy promotion” mode right now, you’re going to need to abandon that right now. These guys come out with all the ceremony and badass pageantry of any of the bigger companies, and everyone from the announcers, to the referees, to the fans, are treating this like the main event of Wrestlemania, even though people were humping each other not 10 minutes ago. These guys start out slow, feeling one another out slowly, with KUDO fully and completely aware that he needs to stay out of Ishikawa’s clutches if he has any hope of winning this thing. But no matter how slippery he is, or how fast he tries to dance away, Ishikawa is always one step ahead and makes him pay in painful fashion. This lesson is repeated over and over, as KUDO tries everything he knows to try to get one step ahead of the big man, to no avail. Finally he goes berserk and starts wailing on Ishikawa with strikes from every direction, too fast to follow. Finally the champion is staggered by this all out assault and it gives KUDO a chance to hit the man with every single move in his arsenal, much of which Ishikawa shrugs off as incidental, but the man is no longer invincible. From there, the two men begin destroying each other with some of the most dramatic nearfalls you’ll find anywhere. KUDO kicks out of the feud ending sitout powerbomb, and Ishikawa treats the Double Knee Drop with content…right up until KUDO lands one to the concrete floor outside the ring.
Ishikawa cannot be put down, though, and KUDO unloads on him until he is at the verge of physical exhaustion, just trying to do enough damage to put the man down. Slowly, slowly, slowly, Ishikawa goes down to one knee. Then another. Then down to his stomach, and KUDO realizes that it is now or never. He goes up top and lands an enormous Diving Double Knee Drop. Not even considering a cover, he turns Ishikawa over and lands another. And finally, casting one last frenzied look at the mighty warrior on the mat, he ascends to the top one more time and annihilates Ishikawa with one last Diving Double Knee Drop. KUDO finally found the combination. A three count later, and we have a new, exhausted champion.
Finding this match, tucked into the main event of this show, is like finding a suitcase full of diamonds in your backseat. You have no fucking idea how it got there and what the story behind it is, but you’re not asking questions. The drama here can be felt in nearly every second of an incredible physical and well wrestled match. Ishikawa was perfect as the huge, sturdy man out to defend his title who had to be battered into submission, and KUDO was a revelation as the plucky, firey hero who would not quit until he realized his dream. All of it tied together by a crowd so hot for KUDO that he may as well have been Hulk fucking Hogan in there.
Watch this match. Not only will it be the best independent match you see this year. It may be one of the best period.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: In the time between watching the show and writing this, I’ve forgotten the reason, but I remember this match really confusing for some reason. I seriously can’t remember, and watching it again isn’t jogging my brain at all. Maybe I’m just getting old, or I wasn’t even confused. I DON’T KNOW.
I do remember enjoying the match though. I love matches where peppy little young guys go up against bigger, angrier guys.
He’s Not Angry, He’s Just Really…Not Pleased.
Makes for good matches with the flyweigjt being tossed around a lot, and making awesomely great comebacks. It makes for exciting action, and it was great seeing that little punk get the win. It was a lovely moment.
I don’t know who the young lion was, or if he’s a “big name”, but the dude was great and has a ton of potential. The sky is the limit with him. And kudos to the other guy for being a massive, grumpy bastard. This wasn’t a match of the year or even a classic, but it was done right and perfect for what it was. I want to see more of these two.
KUDO Over Shuji Ishikawa Following Three Diving Double Knee Drops.
Cewsh: Wow. Just wow.
DDT is as close to a successor to the rampant insanity of HUSTLE as there is in the world these days, and they certainly set out to earn that title. There are things here that genuinely made Vice and I burst out laughing in disbelief, and others that were so charmingly weird that it made me adore everyone involved to perhaps an unhealthy extent. But this company isn’t just about wackiness, and they proved it here by bringing the good stuff all over everyone’s faces with a great junior match and a main event that rocked socks from Japan to Jetpackistan. It’s a weird mix, but hell, these are weird people. And I love every one of the crazy bastards.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 76.8 out of 100.
Vice: Overall this show was good. It had lots of good stuff throughout, and the only match I didn’t really connect with was the tag match. I was hoping for a bit more absurdity, but I was pleasantly surprised with the serious matches. Well done.
Vice’s Final Score: 74 out of 100.
Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed this bizarre trip into the wonderful world of DDT. In two weeks you’ll be getting more DDT (the reviewer this time, not the promotion) and he and I tackle Pro Wrestling NOAH from way back through the mists of time in the olden days of 2005. But this next week we’ll be presenting WWE Hell in a Cell 2011, because there’s only like two weeks between these goddamn PPVs in October. Will hell rise up from beneath the ground and brutally subjugate the world in a tidal wave of blood and fire? Will some people fall into a length of chain link fence? Only one way to find out. So until then, as always, remember to keep reading and be good to one another.