Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews who take fan interactions so seriously that they place restraining order against us, Cewsh Reviews! We have a VERY special treat for you tonight, as the time has finally come for our yearly foray into fan interaction and good time fun having. If you haven’t been keeping up recently, the gist of the Dream Card is that we ask our readers to suggest any individual matches that they’d like to see us review, we put the matches in a hat, and draw out 8 matches to comprise a full card that we review like a real show. All the winners get prizes, and everyone goes home happy as a clam, (aside from the people who don’t get picked, who are released back into the wild angry and intoxicated.) Every match on this show was handpicked by our readers, and therefore we take absolutely no responsibility for what is to come, whether its good, (as it sometimes is,) or torturously bad, (way more frequent.) Luckily, here to help me carry the load are an unprecedented 5 DIFFERENT GUEST REVIEWERS! Will our guests from other blogs feel the full blunt force of your decisions? There’s only one way to find out.
Cewsh: So here we are at the 4th annual Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card. Are you wearing your tuxedo or evening gown? Are you enjoying the complimentary Cewsh Rum? Did you properly tip Rhino when he parked your limousine for you? Well alright then, let’s begin.
If this is your first CRSMUTDC, then you may not be ready for the wonders ahead, but you’re in for a doozy of a time. A bevy of reader submitted matches, a cornucopia of hand picked guest reviews and a colossal collection of good times to be had by all. Now this will be shorter than your usual review, as it doesn’t feature me going on and on about tassels for hours at a time, but it’s a great chance to find some new favorite wrestling writers, and to try something out of the box.
But while this review is about fun, it’s also about giving back and showing our love for the readers who have kept us going year after year. Fans of Cewsh Reviews seem to range everywhere from corporate website heads in India to charming gay actors in the United Kingdom, encompassing everything in between. When Vice and I started these reviews on a lark 5 years ago, we never expected anyone to actually read them, let alone that we would develop a global audience of maniacs and scallywags. But we did. And that’s you. And you’re awesome. So the least we can do is give you one night a year to boss us around and get free stuff. So as you read all of the dick jokes and invented curse words that you’ve come to expect from us, just remember this: from the bottom of our hearts we thank you. And from the other, more important, parts of our hearts, we thank Rhino, without whom we might not be here today.
Just be careful with the Bentley, Rhino. Any scratches are coming out of your salary.
Segment 1 – Convenience Store Brawl – Gordie and Jimmy King vs. Clerk #1 and Randy Savage (Submitted by: takerson)
THolzerman: We go to a convenience store with a huge angle between two guys I wasn’t too familiar with. I think one of them looked a lot like former WCW Champion David Arquette. Maybe it was Arquette under a different gimmick? I don’t know. The other guy looked a lot like Low Ki, but as we found out later on, he didn’t move like one. The clerk was pissed off at the Arquette-lookin’ dude for being a penny short. That’s a classic heel move, man. The only thing missing was a quip, although Arquette-dude, whom I found out later was named Gordie, had a classic zinger on the Clerk’s baldness.
King and Gordie end up respectively sliding Savage and Clerk across the shelves before simultaneously hitting THE CROWN. Gordie covers the Clerk, and oh, hey, there’s the ref, finally!
DDT: ………………………WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH!!!?!
Alright, so this atrocity; Kevin Nash is a member of the Millionaires’ Club, AKA the old guard who are beating up all the young guys and up-and-comers known as the New Blood. So of course, Millionaires’ Club is the evil, nefarious, spot holding stable of….babyfaces?
Anyway, facing Nash is the multi-time and current WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Everyone’s Favorite Mid-carder, Jeff Jarrett. Now, the story is that Jarrett is like, super afraid of the walking cripple that was 2000 Kevin Nash, who had to OVERCOME THE ODDS to get this title shot. But Nash must look out, for the Nefarious Russo/Bischoff combination have all the power, and Nefariously blocked the human wrecking machine Goldberg from the building, have a Nefarious Surprise that they could Nefariously spring! NEFARIOUS!!!! Fuck my life Konnan hasn’t even rung the bell and I already want to slash my wrists.
But before we can begin, it’s time for a RUSSO SURPRISE!! Ernest the Cat Miller comes on out and starts handing out positions to all the Funky Animals: Bell Ringer, Time Keeper, Guest Announcer (how dare he replace Buffer), Special Belt Holder, and gives himself special guest referee status, leaving Buffer, the fans, and Nash in a state of confusion.
Yeah; the New Blood just gave a bunch of positions to people they can trust so that they can totally screw Nash. They proceed to do chair shots, one blatant interference, and about a hundred other things that should get them disqualified in full view of the unbiased referee (why isn’t the self-proclaimed guest referee refereeing this match again?) which leads to Jarrett doing his best Ric Flair impersonation. Nash gets hit with a ring-bell, kicks at two, immediately makes his big baby face comeback and lays waste to everyone, yadda-yadda-yadda and I have to admit that the end is entertaining in a horrendous train-wreck kind of way: The Steiners interfere, Tank Abbott comes down and fights with Scott, the Filthy Animals beat up Kevin Nash, and then GOLDBERG ENTERS THE ARENA IN A GODDAMN MONSTER TRUCK!!!
So Goldberg comes down, everyone flees for their lives, and the great hero gears up, ready to spear the evil Jarrett, and stick it to the Power Trip Duo that have been screwing him since the moment they have formed…BUT SPEARS NASH INSTEAD LOL SURPRISE RUSSO-TWIST!!!!
Yup; the twist was for Goldberg, the most over babyface in the company, to turn heel on the big babyface stable and embrace the New Blood. Because.
Credit where credit’s due; Tony Schiavone sold this brilliantly, crying out, “Not him!” And people were so disgusted by the betrayal that they started to throw garbage into the ring. That, or they were every bit as disgusted by what they saw as I was.
This match sucked. Nothing was executed poorly in terms of moves, but I almost wish it was; anything to distract me from the horrendous mess that was the booking of this match. They stacked the odds against Nash in such a way that it would make John Cena blush, proceeded to do mostly nothing with all the guys at ringside for the vast majority of this ungodly abomination, throw in everything at the last minute, have Tank Abbott show up, and then turned their most over babyface in the company. at least when WWE turned Austin they head the Rock, the Undertaker, and Kurt Angle. WCW had nobody; they would realize this mistake a month later and push Booker T to the moon, among other political shenanigans. Dipshits.
You owe me Cewsh; you owe me big.
Defrost: This is probably Eddy Guerrero’s greatest match. First to really understand the drama of this match you must understand the importance of El Hijo Del Santo’s mask. There is no wrestler in the world that means as much to their nation as El Santo does to Mexico. It would not be an exaggeration to call El Santo Mexico’s greatest sports hero. Hell he is one of Mexico’s greatest heroes full stop. A series of superhero movies staring Santo as himself were all big hits. 52 movies starting in the 1950s and going into the 1980s. A comic book about Santo ran for 35 years and is the biggest comic in Mexican history. And it is his mask that was passed on to his son who became El Hijo Del Santo, the son of the Saint. El Santo was buried in his mask at the end of the largest funeral in Mexico’s history. If someone were to lose that mask it would be the biggest thing to ever happen in Lucha Libre.
Jason: The Ultimate Warrior was huge.
- Tony Schiavone excitedly screaming at Jesse Ventura about how intense the Warrior was: “LOOK AT THAT FACE, JESSE!”
- Ventura screaming about referee and announcer bias when Warrior nails Rude with the Intercontinental belt on the floor.
- Warrior making the “choo-choo” motion with his arms upon reaching the top rope. The man knew his way with gestures.
- Warrior swiveling his hips in mockery after Rude was knocked in the groin.
- Warrior taking a splendid bump after being crotched on the rope, and also selling well throughout the match (other than some superhero invulnerability toward the end, which of course is part of the character).
- Heenan helping revive Rude and letting him know the referee is out when all three of them are lying on the mat.
- Rude nearly murdering Warrior on some sort of combined piledriver-powerbomb. Almost as bad as Kevin Nash dropping the Giant on his head at Souled Out 1998.
- Roddy Piper appearing and lifting his kilt to moon Rude after some hip-swiveling.
- Man, that pop for the Warrior win. I wonder if this was the point that WWE decided that Warrior for sure was going to be the next champion.
Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the event, and we hope you’ll submit matches of your own next year so that you can get in on the most interactive wrestling review on the entire internet, (possibly.) So until then, remember to keep reading and be good to one another.