CRSMUTDC4

YOU Proudly Present…

The Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card 4

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews who take fan interactions so seriously that they place restraining order against us, Cewsh Reviews! We have a VERY special treat for you tonight, as the time has finally come for our yearly foray into fan interaction and good time fun having. If you haven’t been keeping up recently, the gist of the Dream Card is that we ask our readers to suggest any individual matches that they’d like to see us review, we put the matches in a hat, and draw out 8 matches to comprise a full card that we review like a real show. All the winners get prizes, and everyone goes home happy as a clam, (aside from the people who don’t get picked, who are released back into the wild angry and intoxicated.) Every match on this show was handpicked by our readers, and therefore we take absolutely no responsibility for what is to come, whether its good, (as it sometimes is,) or torturously bad, (way more frequent.) Luckily, here to help me carry the load are an unprecedented 5 DIFFERENT GUEST REVIEWERS! Will our guests from other blogs feel the full blunt force of your decisions? There’s only one way to find out.

So with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 0 – Introduction.

Cewsh: So here we are at the 4th annual Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card. Are you wearing your tuxedo or evening gown? Are you enjoying the complimentary Cewsh Rum? Did you properly tip Rhino when he parked your limousine for you? Well alright then, let’s begin.

If this is your first CRSMUTDC, then you may not be ready for the wonders ahead, but you’re in for a doozy of a time. A bevy of reader submitted matches, a cornucopia of hand picked guest reviews and a colossal collection of good times to be had by all. Now this will be shorter than your usual review, as it doesn’t feature me going on and on about tassels for hours at a time, but it’s a great chance to find some new favorite wrestling writers, and to try something out of the box.

But while this review is about fun, it’s also about giving back and showing our love for the readers who have kept us going year after year. Fans of Cewsh Reviews seem to range everywhere from corporate website heads in India to charming gay actors in the United Kingdom, encompassing everything in between. When Vice and I started these reviews on a lark 5 years ago, we never expected anyone to actually read them, let alone that we would develop a global audience of maniacs and scallywags. But we did. And that’s you. And you’re awesome. So the least we can do is give you one night a year to boss us around and get free stuff.  So as you read all of the dick jokes and invented curse words that you’ve come to expect from us, just remember this: from the bottom of our hearts we thank you. And from the other, more important, parts of our hearts, we thank Rhino, without whom we might not be here today.

Just be careful with the Bentley, Rhino. Any scratches are coming out of your salary.

 Segment 1 – Convenience Store Brawl – Gordie and Jimmy King vs. Clerk #1 and Randy Savage (Submitted by: takerson)

THolzerman is the author of The Wrestling Blog, and one of the preeminent voices in the online wrestling community. TH is most well known for his appreciation of all things indy wrestling related, and his staunchly held dislike for Triple H and Dave Meltzer. Rumors that he is actually a magical Pegasus from Greek legend are unconfirmed.

THolzerman: We go to a convenience store with a huge angle between two guys I wasn’t too familiar with. I think one of them looked a lot like former WCW Champion David Arquette. Maybe it was Arquette under a different gimmick? I don’t know. The other guy looked a lot like Low Ki, but as we found out later on, he didn’t move like one. The clerk was pissed off at the Arquette-lookin’ dude for being a penny short. That’s a classic heel move, man. The only thing missing was a quip, although Arquette-dude, whom I found out later was named Gordie, had a classic zinger on the Clerk’s baldness.

From there, the two stare each other down, and Gordie strikes first slamming the Clerk’s face down on the counter. After that hot open, a ring appears around them, and we get CONVENIENCE STORE CHAOS! I thought Gordie was a bit overmatched one-on-one, when all of a sudden, Randy Savage comes in! Man, the ref, nowhere to be seen, apparently just made it a handicap match.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT BALD PEOPLE?!”

Clerkie has Gordie in a full nelson, and it looks like things are grim, but out comes LEGENDARY UNDEFEATED CHAMPION Jimmy King! The King makes it a fair fight, and the action goes out of control. Somehow, the Clerk lariats Gordie out of the ring, and he SMASHES his own head through the freezer window. INTENSE. I question his decision not to show some color, but I guess it’s a family show.

Dude Hates Cottage Cheese.

King and Gordie end up respectively sliding Savage and Clerk across the shelves before simultaneously hitting THE CROWN. Gordie covers the Clerk, and oh, hey, there’s the ref, finally!

I thought this match was a bit too short, but they packed a lot in, especially the freezer door spot. That was total badassery at its finest. This Gordie kid gets a bad rap. If he is indeed Arquette doing another gimmick, then his bona fides as WCW Champion are there, man. A solid 88 out of 100!

Segment 2 – WCW Great American Bash 2000 – WCW World Heavyweight Championship – Kevin Nash vs. Jeff Jarrett (Submitted by: Sean Connell)

DDT is a Cewsh Reviews fixture, passionate lover of all things indy, and the most argumentative human being who has ever been born. The debates I have had with him on topics ranging from Game of Thrones, to the proper way to book a midcard championship in the 23rd biggest promotion in Japan have stolen countless hours of my life. Having to review the following match is his punishment.

DDT: ………………………WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH!!!?!

Fuck you, Sean Connell. I don’t know you, but if I ever meet you the first thing that I will do is Crane Kick you in the balls.

Alright, so this atrocity; Kevin Nash is a member of the Millionaires’ Club, AKA the old guard who are beating up all the young guys and up-and-comers known as the New Blood. So of course, Millionaires’ Club is the evil, nefarious, spot holding stable of….babyfaces?

Anyway, facing Nash is the multi-time and current WCW World Heavyweight Champion: Everyone’s Favorite Mid-carder, Jeff Jarrett. Now, the story is that Jarrett is like, super afraid of the walking cripple that was 2000 Kevin Nash, who had to OVERCOME THE ODDS to get this title shot. But Nash must look out, for the Nefarious Russo/Bischoff combination have all the power, and Nefariously blocked the human wrecking machine Goldberg from the building, have a Nefarious Surprise that they could Nefariously spring! NEFARIOUS!!!! Fuck my life Konnan hasn’t even rung the bell and I already want to slash my wrists.

But before we can begin, it’s time for a RUSSO SURPRISE!! Ernest the Cat Miller comes on out and starts handing out positions to all the Funky Animals: Bell Ringer, Time Keeper, Guest Announcer (how dare he replace Buffer), Special Belt Holder, and gives himself special guest referee status, leaving Buffer, the fans, and Nash in a state of confusion.

Yeah; the New Blood just gave a bunch of positions to people they can trust so that they can totally screw Nash. They proceed to do chair shots, one blatant interference, and about a hundred other things that should get them disqualified in full view of the unbiased referee (why isn’t the self-proclaimed guest referee refereeing this match again?) which leads to Jarrett doing his best Ric Flair impersonation. Nash gets hit with a ring-bell, kicks at two, immediately makes his big baby face comeback and lays waste to everyone, yadda-yadda-yadda and I have to admit that the end is entertaining in a horrendous train-wreck kind of way: The Steiners interfere, Tank Abbott comes down and fights with Scott, the Filthy Animals beat up Kevin Nash, and then GOLDBERG ENTERS THE ARENA IN A GODDAMN MONSTER TRUCK!!!

Subtle.

So Goldberg comes down, everyone flees for their lives, and the great hero gears up, ready to spear the evil Jarrett, and stick it to the Power Trip Duo that have been screwing him since the moment they have formed…BUT SPEARS NASH INSTEAD LOL SURPRISE RUSSO-TWIST!!!!

Yup; the twist was for Goldberg, the most over babyface in the company, to turn heel on the big babyface stable and embrace the New Blood. Because.

Credit where credit’s due; Tony Schiavone sold this brilliantly, crying out, “Not him!” And people were so disgusted by the betrayal that they started to throw garbage into the ring. That, or they were every bit as disgusted by what they saw as I was.

This match sucked. Nothing was executed poorly in terms of moves, but I almost wish it was; anything to distract me from the horrendous mess that was the booking of this match. They stacked the odds against Nash in such a way that it would make John Cena blush, proceeded to do mostly nothing with all the guys at ringside for the vast majority of this ungodly abomination, throw in everything at the last minute, have Tank Abbott show up, and then turned their most over babyface in the company. at least when WWE turned Austin they head the Rock, the Undertaker, and Kurt Angle. WCW had nobody; they would realize this mistake a month later and push Booker T to the moon, among other political shenanigans. Dipshits.

One Ernest Miller Dance Out of Five.

You owe me Cewsh; you owe me big.

Segment 3 – AAA When World’s Collide – Mask vs. Hair Match – El Hijo Del Santo and Octagon vs. Los Gringos Locos (Submitted by: Fae)

Defrost is Cewsh Reviews’ resident Japanese wrestling expert, and occasional curmudgeon. Frosty has been a part of nearly every puro review we’ve done, and also writes a snazzy column where he documents famous wrestling feuds match by match.

Defrost: This is probably Eddy Guerrero’s greatest match. First to really understand the drama of this match you must understand the importance of El Hijo Del Santo’s mask. There is no wrestler in the world that means as much to their nation as El Santo does to Mexico. It would not be an exaggeration to call El Santo Mexico’s greatest sports hero. Hell he is one of Mexico’s greatest heroes full stop. A series of superhero movies staring Santo as himself were all big hits. 52 movies starting in the 1950s and going into the 1980s. A comic book about Santo ran for 35 years and is the biggest comic in Mexican history. And it is his mask that was passed on to his son who became El Hijo Del Santo, the son of the Saint. El Santo was buried in his mask at the end of the largest funeral in Mexico’s history. If someone were to lose that mask it would be the biggest thing to ever happen in Lucha Libre.

During his career Santo formed a tag team called La Pareja Atómica with Gory Guerrero. When Eddy went to Mexico he was teamed with El Hijo Del Santo in a revival of that team. Eddy would turn on Santo and formed Los Gringos Locos with Love Machine Art Barr. The two would play up how much better America was than Mexico and say downright offensive things about illegal aliens crossing rivers and eating tacos and whatnot and garnered a ton of heat. That is what led to the double mask vs double hair match. 
Now the match is good up until Octagon and Santo find themselves one pinfall away from losing their masks, it is 2 out of 3 falls with a fall coming after both members of a team are pinned, and that is when things become special. After a Tombstone Piledriver by Barr to Octagon, the move of death in Mexico where it is banned, Santo is left all by himself to fight off having to lose the mask. Now, not only do you have the kayfabe drama of 2 on 1 for the most legendary mask in Lucha, there is also the fact that if something were to go haywire, like an injury or something to Santo, the mask is gone then too.

In America, or really anywhere, there are ways to bait and switch that just in case, but in Mexico at the time Lucha Libre was heavily regulated. Regulated to the point that if Santo didn’t lose the mask in that eventuality, AAA would not be allowed to run shows anymore. That meant there was zero room for error. From here Santo is just amazing as a tecnico or babyface. He survives the double team. He survives the Frog Splash of Art Barr. Blue Panther sneaks in for a Piledriver on Barr after a big plancha from Santo to Eddy that distracted the ref; and it comes down to Eddy vs Santo. Eddy lands bomb after bomb on Santo who just won’t stay down until finally he gets Eddy rolled up for a three and then heads were shaved. Great stuff.

Cheer Up Guys, It’s An Improvement.

Segment 4 – WWF Summerslam 1989 – The Ultimate Warrior vs. Rick Rude (Submitted by: Timesplitter)

Jason Mann is the king of Wrestlespective, formerly one of the best wrestling blogs around and currently an even better podcast. He was one of the first major bloggers to give Cewsh Reviews the time of day, and has been gracious enough to step out of semi-retirement to review a match here for you. SO MIND YOUR FUCKING MANNERS.

Jason: The Ultimate Warrior was huge.

He was a perfect fit for WWE — of really any time, but especially the late 1980s and early 1990s. He was a walking cartoon: exaggerated gestures, bright facepaint, feathered brown hair, tassles around his arms and knees, exaggerated veins and muscles, quick with a snarl and a scream. But did he have a good match in him?
Despite a lingering reputation as a limited, reckless performer, Warrior proved he could deliver in a big moment at a big event for the first time in his career against Rick Rude in their classic at SummerSlam 1989. After a decent but nondescript match at WrestleMania 5 in which Rude upset Warrior for the Intercontinental title (with manager Bobby Heenan holding Warrior’s feet for the pin), their second major endeavor was a classic.
Warrior’s execution was sharp, with great looking clotheslines, suplexes, slams and piledrivers. He even pulled off a couple of top-rope ax handles. Rude’s strong selling enhanced the affair, particularly his anguished, delayed grimace and ginger walking upon taking a fierce atomic drop. His bumping was top-notch as well, especially taking a press slam from in the ring out to the floor. For the time, this was a big, epic, momentus match, with several dramatic nearfalls off big moves and some splendid dramatics.
Warrior’s legacy as a wrestler is mixed to say the least (not to mention his personal conflicts with many in the industry). But his performance here showed he was capable of rising to the occasion, which would be key just a few months later when he battled Hulk Hogan in a classic at WrestleMania 6 and was given the reins of the company as WWE champion.
Meanwhile, Rude was just coming into his own as a great wrestler, which he’d show more of in rivalries with Roddy Piper, Warrior again, Sting, Ricky Steamboat, Masahiro Chono and others before an injury derailed his career in 1994.
Other highlights:
  • Tony Schiavone excitedly screaming at Jesse Ventura about how intense the Warrior was: “LOOK AT THAT FACE, JESSE!”
  • Ventura screaming about referee and announcer bias when Warrior nails Rude with the Intercontinental belt on the floor.
  • Warrior making the “choo-choo” motion with his arms upon reaching the top rope. The man knew his way with gestures.
  • Warrior swiveling his hips in mockery after Rude was knocked in the groin.
  • Warrior taking a splendid bump after being crotched on the rope, and also selling well throughout the match (other than some superhero invulnerability toward the end, which of course is part of the character).
  • Heenan helping revive Rude and letting him know the referee is out when all three of them are lying on the mat.
  • Rude nearly murdering Warrior on some sort of combined piledriver-powerbomb. Almost as bad as Kevin Nash dropping the Giant on his head at Souled Out 1998.
  • Roddy Piper appearing and lifting his kilt to moon Rude after some hip-swiveling.
  • Man, that pop for the Warrior win. I wonder if this was the point that WWE decided that Warrior for sure was going to be the next champion.

Segment 5 – WWE No Way Out 2001 – Three Stages of Hell Match – Steve Austin vs. Triple H (Submitted by: Atty)

G9Z is a blogger than we’ve highlighted on here before. Something of a sister site to Cewsh Reviews, his blog is loaded with great insight, fun lists, and a great assortment of coverage from Japan and the United States. He hasn’t updated to much thus far this year, but with a steady stream of harassment from an adoring public, he’ll be back in the game in no time.
G9Z: The late 90s/early 2000s was what many fans call “the greatest period in the history of pro wrestling” with most of the credit going to the WWE’s “Attitude Era”.  It was a period that redefined the sport and it was undoubtedly, the most fun time to be a member of the WWE Universe.  WWE television had become an unpredictable adrenaline rush that rivals the greatest of roller coasters.  And in the Carnival-eqsue world of sports entertainment, there has never been a better ride than that of Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Kingda Ka.  The man is now well known as arguably, the most popular WWE Superstar of all time.
On the flipside to Austin, there was Triple H.  The former Hunter Hearst Helmsley had been a noteworthy midcard sensation in the mid nineties and was fresh off a wildly popular run with two different versions of the iconic D-Generation X stable.  And while Austin & his main rival, The Rock were blazing trails in the main event scene, Helmsley was chomping at the bit to get his chance to shine.  Upon finally capturing his first WWF Championship, Trips (now nicknamed “The Cerebral Assassin”) had somehow morphed into the most sinister and manipulative heel in the WWF landscape at the time.
Naturally over the next year or so, these two would embark on a collision course that more than likely spawned from Triple H having spent the last year permanently wound up tighter than those teen-size leather trunks he used to wear.  After months of mind games and “hit and run” attempts (what the hell ever happened to Rikishi’s main event push anyhow?), things would come to a head in one of the most legendary Three Stages Of Hell matches ever witnessed. 
The first fall would be settled in a traditional wrestling match, but being that this was the bloodiest of blood feuds, and being that both Austin and Triple H are two of the most badass brawlers in WWE lore, “traditional” pretty much got thrown out of the fucking window from the get-go.  Filled with too much animosity to simply keep it on the mat, they would beat the living piss out of each other from one end of the ring to the other just to start things off.  With the crowd firmly behind Austin, it wasn’t long before “The Rattlesnake” started going in for the Stunner.  It would take a few attempts, but after roughly twelve minutes of action, he would successfully Stun The Game out of his boots and earn the 3 count.
The second fall (a Street Fight) was where things would really reach new levels of intensity when right away Austin suplexes HHH onto the Steel Ramp.  From this point on, Austin could care less if HHH even walked out of this one alive (seriously, the shit he pulls in the opening minutes of round two could make even Kane cringe).  We would see announce tables, barbed wire 2×4’s, ring bells and various forms of steel all meet human flesh before Triple H blasted Austin with his trademark sledgehammer and then hit him with a thunderous Pedigree for the win.  This has already been the sort of war that would break a normal man.  But these are not normal men.  These are two irreversibly twisted human beings with blood in their eyes.  Two men who are now stuck dead-even at 1 and 1 in ass kickings.  Fans now watched as the unforgiving Steel Cage began to lower from the ceiling.  It was in that moment that everyone realized there would be only one way to settle the score.
There are various weapons all over the ring, adding another gruesome dimension to this already brutal matchup.  The third fall would unofficially become a continuation of the last match with the cage playing the role of equal opportunity face shredder.  Both men are barely able to stand and at this point, they look more like two bloodied, drunken deer than six foot, 260+ lb men.  Both would resort to savagery, recklessly tossing each other into the cage without a care hoping that it would be enough.  Austin would go in for a Stunner only to have it be reversed into a Pedigree by The Game.  After a close two count, Triple H would attempt a second Pedigree, only to be thrown into the cage and hit with a Stone Cold Stunner.  HHH kicks out at two!  This is epic stuff.  Both men are physically spent and now crawl for the nearest weapon.  Austin grabs the 2×4 as HHH extends for his precious sledgehammer.  They both swing for the fences, simultaneously knocking each other out in the process.  Trips must have had the best instincts ever because he would collapse right on top of Austin to earn his second and the final pinfall.
2001 was a year filled with brilliantly innovative matches and somewhere in between the 3 way TLC match at Wrestlemania X7 and the many amazing battles that Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle would have that year, this match is fondly remembered as arguably, the year’s best.  It’s a fine piece of Attitude Era nostalgia that still holds up to his day in the sort of brutally euphoric way that all great battles from that time period should.  It’s a love letter to fans who had come of age having been heavily influenced by the men & women who rode high in the biggest wrestling boom of the century and it’s required viewing for those wondering why the two men involved are often considered to be two of the best ever.

————————————————–

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the event, and we hope you’ll submit matches of your own next year so that you can get in on the most interactive wrestling review on the entire internet, (possibly.) So until then, remember to keep reading and be good to one another.

Written by Cewsh

I am the owner and operator of Cewsh Reviews. We review pro wrestling shows in a way that is funny and educational. Probably. Usually at least one or the other.

One comment

Leave Your Message At The Beep

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s