CR Fantasy Warfare

Top of the morning to you, boys and girls. And welcome back to the warm and loving embrace of yet another Sunday Supplement. This week we have something very different for you, and it is an idea that was born out of boredom and nachos, like most great ones. Yes, tonight we will be engaging in the very first ever Cewsh Reviews Fantasy Warfare competition!

Not What I Meant, Though That Would Be Awesome.

Using the very latest and most advanced booking simulator technology, (or not,) we will pit the great minds of Cewsh Reviews against one another in a bid for fantasy warfare supremacy and bragging rights forevermore. To be more specific, we’ll be doing a draft of any active wrestler and forming our own dream promotions, and then simulating a year in the life of our wacky promotions in Total Extreme Wrestling, (click here to learn more about the game,) to see which promotion will reign supreme at the end. So how will it go down? Will Mrs. Cewsh stock her entire promotion with people who look like Randy Orton? Will Vice go back on his principals and draft John Cena? Will I lose this horribly like I have every other competition the three of us have ever competed in? There’s only one way to find out…

Okay, before we begin, let’s go into a little bit more detail about the rules. Now we’ll be running a Real World mod for this game with all of the promotions removed, so it will essentially be the real world as of April, just with all of the places to work removed, (harsh economy,) and replaced with our mega companies. We’ll all start at the Global level with 50 million dollars, and will have absolutely no input on our roster or what they do after selecting our draft picks. After one year, the winner will be determined from three criteria:

– The promotion that is most popular in the United States
– The promotion that made the most money
– The promotion that had best average show grade

And then when the winner is inevitably determined to be me, we’ll hold a ticker tape parade in my honor. Everybody got all that? All right then, LET’S DO THIS THING.

FANTASY WARFARE DRAFT

Cewsh: Now the ground rules for the draft are simple. We’ll each pick our guys and gals from any wrestler, announcer or personality that has been active at some point in the past year. We’ll go snake style, (Mrs. Cewsh, Vice, Cewsh, Cewsh, Vice, Mrs. Cewsh,) and stealing one another’s picks and crushing each other’s dreams isn’t just encouraged, it’s practically required. With that said, the countdown clock is ticking, so let’s go to the draft commissioner, who, since you can’t prove otherwise, is absolutely Batman.

Round 1
Mrs. Cewsh: The Undertaker
Vice: Bryan Danielson
Cewsh:  John Cena
Round 2
Randy Orton
CM Punk
Hiroshi Tanahashi

Round 3
Kurt Angle
Brock Lesnar
AJ Styles

Round 4
Dolph Ziggler
Triple H
Chris Jericho

Round 5
Sheamus
Austin Aries
Big Show

Round 6
Bully Ray
Bobby Roode
Alberto Del Rio

Round 7
Sara Del Rey
Sting
The Rock

Round 8
Vader
Stone Cold
Christian

Round 9
Claudio Castagnoli
Vince McMahon
The Miz

Round 10
Chris Hero
James Storm
Samoa Joe

Round 11
Awesome Kong
Christopher Daniels
Rey Mysterio

Round 12
Chris Sabin
Naomichi Marufuji
Kenta Kobashi

Round 13
Alex Shelley
Sin Cara
Jushin Liger

Round 14
Cody Rhodes
KENTA
Jeff Hardy
Round 15
Ayako Hamada
AJ
Cheerleader Melissa

Round 16
Wade Barrett
William Regal
Gail Kim

Round 17
Ryback
Zema Ion
Beth Phoenix

Round 18
Ken Anderson
Frankie Kazarian
Kane

Round 19
Manami Toyota
Hunico
David Otunga

Round 20
Tyler Black
Bobby Lashley
Rob Terry

Cewsh Notes: Well it was an interesting draft to be sure. Despite the fact that both Vice and Mrs. Cewsh seem to have picked the last round specifically to make me a sad panda, an arrangement was reached when Vice traded Bobby Lashley to me in exchange for Samoa Joe. Aside from that, my picks reveal a definite lean towards showmanship, and Vice’s are clearly biased towards workrate, with Mrs. Cewsh finding a nice middle ground in between, in addition to actually making a fully realized tag and women’s division. Some of the picks here from all three of us, were probably serious reaches, from Mrs. Cewsh’s early decision to build a women’s division worth a damn, my decision to grab a Japanese wrestler virtually unknown to American audiences with my second pick, to Vice using two mid round picks on guys, (McMahon and Austin,) who will never actually have matches. There are so many wildcards here that even the most corrupt casino would have trouble keeping up, and there’s only more wackniess to come.

So from here on we have absolutely no input on what happens in the game at all. The computer will choose who books the shows, what additional talent to add, and what happens from here on. Frankly, I’m a bit terrified, but I have a great deal of confidence that my team will dominate the competition so thoroughly that all shall be crushed and humbled in my wake.

April 2012
Mrs. Cewsh

Raise Your Hand If You’re Dying To See The Undertaker Wear A Shirt With This Logo On It.

Mrs. Cewsh chose to name her promotion My Little Wrestling, and intends fully to make everyone who signs with her company wear a cutie mark at all times.

Major News: Jim Cornette takes over as booker of MLW.

Key Signings: Rob Van Dam, Davey Richards, Low Ki, Ric Flair, Ricky Steamboat, Michael Cole

Popularity: B+ 
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade):  B+

Champions:

Global: Randy Orton
Intercontinental: Kurt Angle
World Tag Team: The One Percenters (Cody Rhodes and Ken Anderson)

Cewsh Note: Mrs. Cewsh takes a firm hold on second place as we round the first bend, and seems to have clearly won in terms of getting value from the free agents her company signed. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Randy Orton wound up being her first champion. I’m not entirely certain that she didn’t hack into the game to ensure that this would be the case. She’s a crafty one.

Vice

The Title Of This Book Is Entirely Coincidental. Vice Is Not Involved With Slave Trafficking To My Knowledge.

Vice Inc. is run by Vice. Contrary  to the name, the company is neither particularly incorporated or involved in the selling of pen fluids.

Major News: Jeff Jarrett takes over as booker of VICE Inc.

Key Signings: Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Mickie James, Evan Bourne, Santino Marella, Earl Hebner

Popularity: B+
MASG: A

Champions:

World: Sting
International Tag: The Last Hard Men (Christopher Daniels and James Storm)

Cewsh Note: Well it certainly didn’t take long for Vice to jump into the lead here, and his debut show was damn near perfect. This is despite the fact that Jeff Jarrett took over as the booker and then immediately handed the World title to Sting. If this were real life, I think Vice would be mid riot at the moment, but luckily you can’t punch a computer simulation in the face. Or, at least, not in a satisfying way.

Cewsh

As In “AWWWWWWE YEAH.”

Cewsh has characteristically named his company “Awesometastic Wrestling Entertainment” which will no doubt prove to be accurate and not a work of sad irony in the year to come.

Major News: Billy Corgan takes over as booker of AWE.

Key Signings: RHINO, R-Truth, Angelina Love, Jerry Lawler

Popularity: B+
MASG: B

Champions

Heavyweight: John Cena 
Top Contender: Big Show
Tag: Team Zero Tolerance (AJ Styles and Kane)

Cewsh Note: Where should I begin? Should I start with the fact that the second, THE SECOND, I gave over control off my company to the computer, it IMMEDIATELY signed Rhino, which is either tremendously ironic or proof of artificial intelligence? Shall I begin with the fact that everyone else got proven and successful bookers and I got stuck with a rock star from the 90s? Or how about the fact that the game apparently decided that Kane and AJ Styles would make a great tag team?

Well, actually that would be pretty awesome. Alright, moving on.

May 2012
Mrs. Cewsh
Key Signings: Velvet Sky, John Morrison, Chris Masters, D’Angelo Dinero, Shelton Benjamin

Popularity: B+ 
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade):  B+

Champions

Global: Randy Orton 
Intercontinental: Kurt Angle
World Tag Team: The One Percenters (Cody Rhodes and Ken Anderson)

Cewsh Note: Mrs. Cewsh doesn’t change much here as we roll into month two. She continues to stock up on what is easily the strongest midcard of the three promotions, and basically turns in exactly the same performance as last month. Slow and steady wins the race, so they say.

Vice
Key Signings: Jay Lethal, MVP, Ezekiel Jackson, Mercedes Martinez, Ted Dibiase Jr.

Popularity: B+

MASG: B

Champions:

World: Sting
International Tag: Lethal Injection (Brock Lesnar and Jeff Jarrett) 

Cewsh Note Sometimes comedy is really hard. Other times, Brock Lesnar and Jeff Jarrett randomly form a wacky tag team and then homo erotically name themselves “Lethal Injection” and start pinning the “Last Hard Men”. In such times of bounteous comedy, a man can’t help but appreciate the universe around him.

Cewsh
Key Signings: Mark Henry, Matt Morgan, Alex Riley, Jake Roberts (for some reason).

Popularity: B
MASG: B

Champions

Heavyweight: John Cena
Top Contender: Big Show

Tag: Team Zero Tolerance (AJ Styles and Kane)

Cewsh Note: It’s still early, but I’m starting to have a bad feeling about my promotion.

June 2012
Mrs. Cewsh
Key Signings: Justin Gabriel, Matt Jackson

Popularity: B+ 
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade): B

Champions

Global: Randy Orton 
Intercontinental: Kurt Angle
World Tag Team: The One Percenters (Cody Rhodes and Ken Anderson)

Cewsh Note: We’ve reached the point where things are kind of plateauing off in terms of big signings and dramatic events. So I’m not going to weigh you down with a bunch of minor details. Suffice to say that thiswas a solid month for Mrs. Cewsh, but that she is still riding second to the juggernaut that is…

Vice
Key Signings: JTG, Eddie Edwards, Tyler Reks

Popularity: B+

MASG: B+

Champions:

World: Sting
International Tag: Lethal Injection (Brock Lesnar and Jeff Jarrett) 

Cewsh Note: I like to imagine that Brock and Jeff have a comedy team where Jeff thinks he’s a super dangerous MMA fighter too and Brock just sighs and does all the work while Jeff celebrates and gets super fat. I’d pay to see that.

Cewsh
Key Signings: Nick Jackson, Consequences Creed

Popularity: B
MASG: B

Champions:

Heavyweight: John Cena
Top Contender: Big Show
Tag: Team Zero Tolerance (AJ Styles and Kane)

Cewsh Note: It’s STILL early, but I’m starting to have a REALLY bad feeling about my promotion.

July 2012
Mrs. Cewsh

Popularity: B+ 
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade): B

Champions

Global: Randy Orton 
Intercontinental: Kurt Angle
World Tag Team: The One Percenters (Cody Rhodes and Ken Anderson)

Cewsh Note: NOTHING CHANGED AT ALL.

Vice

Popularity: B+
MASG: B

Champions:
World: Sting
International Tag: Lethal Injection (Brock Lesnar and Jeff Jarrett) 

Cewsh Note: Unfortunately for Vice, this month featured the only time in the entire year that anybody actually left the promotion that signed him, and that happened when BOTH Steve Austin and Vince McMahon retired from the wrestling industry at the same time and left, concievably to start a lemonade stand together.

Cewsh

Popularity: B
MASG: B

Champions:

Heavyweight: John Cena
Top Contender: Big Show
Tag: Team Zero Tolerance (AJ Styles and Kane)

Cewsh Note: …aaaaaaaand nothing changed here either. In fact, nothing much happens of note for awhile after this, so let’s fast forward to January.

January 2013

Cewsh: Before we see how everyone is doing, let’s see how the game’s year end awards shook out!

Best Promotion: Vice Inc.
Show of the Year: Doomsday (Vice Inc.)
Match of the Year: CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan (Vice Inc.)
Wrestler of the Year: CM Punk (Vice Inc.)
Rookie of the Year: Nick Jackson (AWE)
Veteran of the Year: Sting (Vice Inc.)
Female Wrestler of the Year: Angelina Love (AWE)

Cewsh: So clearly Vice has continued his streak of domination, and it would seem like Mrs. Cewsh’s promotion is under performing horribly right? Well funny story about that…

Mrs. Cewsh

Popularity: A
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade): A

Champions

Global: Randy Orton 
Intercontinental: Alex Shelley
World Tag Team: The Foundation (Chris Sabin and Seth Rollins)

Cewsh Note: Well now, things have changed quite rapidly all of a sudden. In addition to each promotion getting a tv show, and Mrs. Cewsh snatching first place from the unsuspecting claws of Vice, some title changes have actually taken place! I say that excitedly, because other than Vice’s tag titles, NO TITLE CHANGED HANDS IN THE GAME FOR 8 STRAIGHT MONTHS. And then after the new year came around, apparently the bookers remembered that was an option and started swapping them like STDs at the Jersey Shore house.

Vice

Popularity: B+
MASG: B

Champions:
World: Sting
TV Title: Evan Bourne
International Tag: Lethal Injection (Brock Lesnar and Jeff Jarrett)

Cewsh Note: Poor Vice. His reign of dominance has finally come to an end, as a rash of disappointing PPVs dropped him back to second place. To this point, he’s still the most profitable promotion and is very much still in the competition, but it has to hurt to be taken from behind so roughly and unexpectedly.

Err…you know what I mean.

Cewsh

Popularity: B-
MASG: B

Champions:

Heavyweight: John Cena
Top Contender: Big Show
Tag: Team Zero Tolerance (AJ Styles and Kane)

Cewsh Note: Okay, so I’ll level with you. Things aren’t looking good for me at this point. Not only has my promotion gotten a B every single month since the game started, but its also losing money so fast that Billy Corgan must be stuffing it into suitcases and throwing it off bridges for fun. But we’re not sunk yet! I’m certain that something will happen next month to send me hurtling in the right direction!

February 2013
Mrs. Cewsh

Popularity: A
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade): B+

Champions

Global: Randy Orton 
Intercontinental: Alex Shelley
World Tag Team: The Foundation (Chris Sabin and Seth Rollins)

Cewsh Note: With the raw animal magnetism of Seth Rollins, how could she not be winning?

Vice

Popularity: B+
MASG: A

Champions:
World: Sting
Television: Evan Bourne
International Tag: Double Feature (Jay Lethal and Ezekiel Jackson) 

Cewsh Note: With a tremendous month, Vice is making a spirited attempt to retake first place here. The most noteworthy bit is that Jay Lethal and Ezekiel Jackson have been feuding with Lethal Injection, possibly over copyright infringement. Honestly, I’m kind of disappointed that Lethal Injection didn’t hold the titles forever. The sheer idea of that team makes me happy somehow.

Cewsh

Popularity: B-
MASG: B

Champions:

Heavyweight: Vacated
Top Contender: David Otunga
Tag: The Omega Men (Drew McIntyre and Michael McGuillicutty)

Cewsh Note: Okay, so to recap, I’ve been in last place every single month since the game started. Last month I made a declaration that I was certain that something would change to seen my company in the right direction. The game then responded by having John Cena suffer a broken neck after a title match against Rhino, (yes, seriously,) and a bunch of jobbers win all of the titles. This is all so depressing that I can’t even enjoy the sky high irony of Michael McGullicutty being in a team called the OMEGA MEN for fuck’s sake. That’s how bad this is.

March 2013
Mrs. Cewsh

Popularity: A
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade): B+

Champions

Global: Bully Ray
Intercontinental: Alex Shelley
World Tag Team: The Wow Factor (Low Ki and Rob Van Dam)

Cewsh Note: Still in first, and shockingly Bully Ray has finally gotten his much anticipated World title run. Of course the title he won has a pink pony on it, but dreams are dreams, dammit. He’s clearly learned a lot about friendship. Also, Low Ki and Rob Van Dam came out of absolutely nowhere to win the tag titles in their first match as a team. Somehow, I’m thinking Low Ki wasn’t the one who chose their name.

Vice

Popularity: B+
MASG: B

Champions:
World: Sting
Television: Santino Marella
International Tag: Double Feature (Jay Lethal and Ezekiel Jackson) 

Cewsh Note: Vice had a real shot to pull ahead of Mrs. Cewsh this month, but for some reason, Jeff Jarrett decided to main event the month’s PPV with the white hot Ezekiel Jackson vs. Sting match that the entire town of Nofuckingbody was looking forward to. Shame about that.

Cewsh

Popularity: C+
MASG: B

Champions:

Heavyweight: Vacated
Top Contender: Rhino
Tag: Rhino and Brodus Clay

Cewsh Note: OH COME ON.

April 2013
Mrs. Cewsh

Popularity: A
MASG (Monthly Average Show Grade): B+

Champions

Global: Sheamus
Intercontinental: Justin Gabriel
World Tag Team: The Ow Factor (Low Ki and Rob Van Dam)

Cewsh Note: Well, Bully Ray’s title run lasted about one day. There’s realism for you. Also, in their first title defense, Low Ki and Rob Van Dam managed to injure BOTH of their opponents. Causing me to ceremonially drop the first W from their team name.

Vice

Popularity: B+
MASG: A

Champions:
World: Brock Lesnar
Television: Santino Marella
International Tag: Double Feature (Jay Lethal and Ezekiel Jackson) 

Cewsh Note: Too little too late. Even Brock couldn’t save things for ol’ Vice Inc. So with Vice out of the running, its down to Cewsh to make a spectacular and dramatic leap forward into destiny and grab the championship trophy for his team and…

Cewsh

Popularity: C
MASG: B

Champions:

Heavyweight: Vacated
Top Contender: Rhino
Tag: Rhino and Brodus Clay

Cewsh Note: …this game was dumb anyway. I didn’t even want to win. In fact I let everyone else win on purpose!

Stupid Rhino.

—————————————————-

Final Scores:

Total Money:
$56,730,031
$55,456,120
$41,151,090

Popularity:
A
B+
C
MASG:
B+
B+
B
Your Winner And Fantasy Champion Is:

MRS. CEWSH

Cewsh: Now just like all the other games that we’ve ever played here at Cewsh Reviews, I have been defeated defintively and will refuse to ever speak of this again. Good day to you all.
I SAID GOOD DAY.

Written by Cewsh

I am the owner and operator of Cewsh Reviews. We review pro wrestling shows in a way that is funny and educational. Probably. Usually at least one or the other.

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