12 Rounds, Starring John Cena (Classic)

 

Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of…hey now, wait a minute, what’s this? 12 Rounds? Isn’t that the John Cena movie? Does that even count as a wrestling review? I don’t know man, I think I may be shocked and appalled at this turn of events. If these thoughts sound familiar because they’re crashing through your brain right now at the speed of toast, don’t worry, we here at Cewsh Review Headquarters have bucked our traditions a little bit to bring you this, but there is a money back guarantee on you liking it. Of course since it is free. Hmm.

Anyway, what we have here is a twofold review. First, we have documented, summarized and reviewed what is obviously the greatest movie of the past year, starring a true American hero (and Vice’s favorite wrestler) John Cena. Second, this will function as a walking (or whatever words do when we’re not looking) advertisement for future wrestling related movie reviews in our Sunday Supplements bonus features. Movies like Santa With Muscles, Santa’s Slay, and even some movies that didn’t involve a wrestler as an ass kicking Santa, as if there could be anything better than that. So kick back, give the newness a try, and if you don’t like it, then I invite you blame John Cena.

We usually do.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking MOVIE review!

P.S. Um, yeah, spoilers ahead.

P.P.S. This is by far our most image and gif heavy review that we’ve ever done. I heartily recommend closing other windows and such while you read it, lest your computer spontaneously combust. You have been warned.

P.P.P.S. This was originally posted in like 2010, so apologies for any dated references. Hope you enjoy!

Introduction


Welcome to Cewsh Reviews’ review of 12 Rounds, Starring John Cena. Our mission here is to tell you the story of 12 Rounds, give you a definitive feeling about how it is, and interject here and there with thoughts on how the movie is progressing. Ready? I thought so.

Let’s begin by introducing the main characters.

DANNY FISHER

Danny Fisher, played by John Cena is a corrupt police officer in New Orleans, Louisiana. He lives with his girlfriend, who he is neglectful of, works with his partner, to whom he is a terrible friend, and is all around kind of a shitty guy. This movie centers around his quest to murder Miles Jackson for taking his wife away from him, and, as such, he commits a staggering number of crimes in the pursuit of this goal. But more on that later.

MOLLY PORTER

Molly is Fisher’s girlfriend and, after years of putting up with Fisher’s inability to do simple household chores and be there for dinner, she has finally found a man willing to dote on her 24/7, and who actually cares about what she does all day. However, with a husband as unstable as Fisher, she can pretty much be blamed for all that transpires in this movie.

MILES JACKSON

Miles Jackson is a mild mannered guy from Ireland looking to catch a break in the United States. After plying his freelance trades in the Middle East (where he was a big hit), and all over Europe, he came to the United States to make some money and live the American dream. That’s when he met Molly, who, despite her being a horrible shrew of a woman, intrigued him enough that they stole away together in the night, leaving Fisher to come charging after them like a wounded rhinoceros. He is the movie’s underdog, matching brains to Fisher’s brawn in an attempt to protect his newfound love and bring some justice back to the world.
Now, you might be thinking, “Hey Cewsh, I saw the trailers! I thought John Cena played Danny Fisher.” He does, and while the trailers would have you believe that he is the good guy in this story, this is simply not the case. As we detail the movie, I believe that I will be able to make this perfectly clear. And if you’re one of those people who claim to have actually “seen the movie too” or whatever, just remember. We’re the trained professionals here. Your eyes clearly lied to you.

Act 1: The Beginning Of The End.


Cewsh: As the movie gets started, we see many sweep shots and zoom ins meant to indicate that the FBI is all up in somebody’s shit. I mean seriously. This is some of the most ridiculously overdone camera work in film history. Trying to figure out what you’re looking at is like trying to fucking tackle Adrian Peterson.

Ahh! There’s A Spider On The Zoom Button!


After about 5 minutes of this award winning work, we find out who they are tracking, our enterprising young foreigner, Miles Jackson. Despite the fact that he’s just walking down the street, and even stops to help two old men with their chess game, the FBI, and especially their incredibly dickish lead investigator seem obsessed with the idea that he’s some horribly evil dude. They have established some ridiculous doublecross, where some guy is going to set up Miles in exchange for getting his brother back. Because apparently, the FBI are huge, hostage taking douchebags in this film.

Meanwhile, across town, we show the clear tensions between Molly and Danny in their home, as Danny gets ready for work. Danny can’t find his badge, so he and Molly make disparaging comments about each other for awhile, including Molly referencing Fisher’s lack of prowess in the bedroom.

Danny: Hey babe, I’ve still got ten minutes.
Molly: You’d only need two minutes.
Danny: But they’d be strong minutes. 😦

Vice: If the intro to the movie wasn’t bad enough, our introduction to Cena’s character, the love of his life (his dog) and his dog (his girlfriend) is just amazingly painful. The dialog is just so poorly written, and the whole scene just reeks of Rikishi’s sweaty ass. Fucking hell. By the 3:30 mark, I’m already wanting to cry. Is WWE playing 12 Rounds with we the viewers? I think so.

Fisher’s girlfriend makes a joke about how Danny can’t last in bed. At all. While this might come off as witty and joking, it’s probably true. Unfortunately, Fisher’s girlfriend is a fucking lemur from outer space. John Cena really could do a lot better here. Also, it begs the question of why this woman was cast. If you have a lemur from out of space as the princess being kidnapped by Bowser, people just aren’t going to care. We actually don’t want to see more of her on camera, so if she was executed within seven minutes, then YAY. If you cast a woman that has yet to learn how to act, she needs to be REALLY Hollywood hot. I’m talking about skinny waist, thick ol’ curved ass with maybe a hint of being commando, and some big melons in a low cut tank top. A wet tank top. And have a scene where she’s bent over fixing the air conditioner for a while, and when it finally starts working, it just so happens to be aimed directly at her nipples, hardening them up. Hard nipples just drip sex. Maybe even have her make a comment about how she almost had a wardrobe malfunction which resulted in quite the sexy nipple slip. If you’re wondering why I’m so descriptive, it’s not because I actually think that would make for a good movie; I’m just seeing if any of those phrases make us show up in perverted search results.

But really, if you have a talentless bimbo, she at least better be hot. If she’s not hot, she better put on the performance of a lifetime. Unfortunately, we’re stuck rooting for John Cena to go up against all odds so he can get his ugly lemur from outer space back, etc. etc. etc…

It’s all rather boring to me.

Cewsh: Clearly Danny is in denial as to the state of his relationship, but without stopping to consider this, he walks out on her, and joins his partner, who implies subtly that HE is nailing Molly, another thing Fisher cleverly fails to notice. They drive off into the night, with Fisher fuming like Bruce Banner with a toothache.

Vice: Fisher’s partner, who can’t figure out a Rubik’s Cube, mentions that he is not smarter than a fifth grader. Are fifth graders expected to solve Rubik’s Cubes? I know it was shamelessly mentioning a “hot” TV show at the time (I think…), but still. Have a better setup. Or, you know, just not do it.

Cewsh: As we cut back to Miles, we see him trying to buy some diamonds off a guy for his girlfriend. Unfortunately this guy is that double-crosser we mentioned earlier. Unfortunatelier for the FBI, he’s a TRIPLE crosser, and he shoots Miles in the chest for no apparent reason, and yells into a nearby security camera that he’s kidnapping Miles in exchange for his brother. Back at the guy’s car, this is revealed to be a QUADRUPLE CROSS, as it is revealed that he and Miles had worked together on this to screw over to FBI (who are kidnapping assholes, remember) and get away scott free. Immediately after this is revealed, Miles does his first questionable thing in the film, as he takes out a huge knife and stabs the shit out of the other guy. Now you might say, “Um, that makes him the bad guy.”, but hey, we don’t know the situation. Maybe Miles getting shot in the fucking heart wasn’t part of the plan and he wasn’t happy with the improvisation. Maybe the guy owed him money. Maybe the knife was hungry. We really shouldn’t judge his situation.

Miles then grabs the diamonds, hops out of that car into the car driven by his girlfriend. He promises her a pony for helping him (AWW!), and gives her a kiss, and then they drive off peacefully, happy to have escaped such a harrowing situation.

Back with our villain, Fisher and his partner roll up to a stoplight that Fisher’s partner almost plows right through because he was too busy telling Fisher what a hot piece of ass his wife is. Fisher then sees Miles’ girlfriend alone in the car next to him, and even though there is no reason why he should have any idea who the fuck that is, he immediately forces his partner to chase her down and give her a ticket.

Vice: After a brief car chase, they managed to catch her and pull her over. Naturally instead of treating her like the DEVILISH BITCH that she is, no, Fisher’s partner decides to totally try and get his groove on with her. I mean, his black dick (again, trying to get search results) almost definitely puts mine to complete shame, but that doesn’t mean that he needs to get it wet with the wife of a wanted criminal. Does he really see himself not getting killed in this situation?

The wife pops the trunk, and the guy is inside with a gun. Pow pow. Fisher’s partner gets shot in the ass. If I ever get shot in the ass, I’m totally gonna be like “AH MAN I JUST GOT SHOT! IN THE ASS!”. Because that’d be funny. I think. Probably not, come to think of it. Getting shot in the ass would probably suck a lot. I wouldn’t enjoy pooping as much.

People say that you learn something new every day. Well, watching this, I did happen to learn something new. When you’re out of options for ways to stop a car, there’s no shame in THROWING A BOAT at it.

Seriously. He Throws A Boat.


It certainly got the job done here. And plus it’d make a great story to tell your kids one day. With the guy and his wife now on foot, Fisher now has a good chance of actually taking them into custody. BUT WAIT!

The guy tells his wife to run, and she does. She makes it about 12 feet before some yokel in a pickup truck PLOWS THAT VAJAYJAY with great vengeance and furious anger, completely splattering her onto the concrete and leaving her a bloody, dead mess. Naturally, Miles points the blame at Danny Fisher for killing her. No, it was not himself who told her to run in that very specific direction. No, it was also not the yokel in the pickup truck who could not have avoided splattering her barring some sort of second boat being thrown his way. It was Danny Fisher. All his fault. To be fair though, Fisher did throw a boat at them not that long before.

Cewsh: With the blood of Miles’ true love on his hands, Fisher looks sternly into nothingness as the scene fades to black.[/Spoiler]

Act 2: Requiem For A Plumber.

Cewsh: It’s a year later, and Fisher and his partner are in a bar hitting on cheap floozies, to celebrate the anniversary of the time that Fisher killed a chick and then got promoted to detective. Finally, thanks to guilt, Fisher drags himself home, only to be confronted by his wife’s nagging about how the sink is broken. The plumber shows up, and has been to the house so many times due to Fisher’s uselessness that Molly tells him to remember that there’s food for him in the refrigerator, and calls him by name without ever seeing him. The odds that these repairs are being paid for with Molly’s vagoo? Very good indeed.

Vice: John Cena says “We’re fucked”. Tisk tisk. This is, however, the director’s cut, so there’s bound to be some added swearing and such. Still though, it’s incredibly odd hearing him say the F word. In fact, it’s always weird hearing any wrestler swear for the first time, in my opinion.

We find out that Johnny C. is not only horrible in bed, but he’s also a liar and a lazy shit who cannot pay bills or fix sinks. Jesus. Thank god WWE hands the world to you on a platter, because you make a sucky cop. Sure you’re out throwing boats at people, but come on dude, you can do better to hang onto that lemur of yours.

Cewsh: As Molly leaves the house to go to work, Fisher gets a phone call from his old friend Miles. Miles is a little upset that his girlfriend is dead but he’s cool about it now, because he snuck out of prison and wants to talk with Fisher, about what has happened between he and Molly over the year in between. See he and Molly have been getting very close in the intervening time, and have been bonding over their mutual hatred of Danny, and their love for Pottery Barn. Upon hearing this, Fisher goes insane, lights his house on fire, and when it explodes, jumps for joy in the front yard.

Yippie! No More Mortgage Payments!


I would like to take a moment to eulogize the poor plumber who was trapped inside and never got the sandwich that was promised to him by Molly. That poor brave man will go down in history as a man who gave his all in the name of sandwich. We salute you, sir.

Cena Blew Up The Guy’s Car Too. Jerk.


Back to the action, Miles, who has very politely stayed on the phone throughout all of this, tells Fisher that Molly is leaving on a ferry to be with him, and that if he wants to catch her and try to make things right, he’ll have to get down the ferry fast before she disappears from his life forever. Miles is clearly acting as a friend here, giving them a chance to mend their relationship, even though it’s detrimental to his own. Fisher grabs his dog and thrusts it into the hands of some starving Ethiopian kids next door, and begins awkwardly running towards the harbor, stopping along the way to steal some dude’s car, for no reason other than that he was tired.

John Cena. Wrestler. Actor. Car Thief.

Vice: I always love how there are turbo-charged sports cars available whenever a cop needs to jack a ride. If this was realistic at all, he’d be forced to use a Prius or something. But that just wouldn’t be fun. With his slick ride, we get some sort of car chase that makes an afternoon drive by a grandmother seem like must see television. Seriously. The whole thing was basically like a paint-by-numbers sort of affair that didn’t really provide anything except for the fact that the movie now has an actual car chase. If ygu want to call it that.

Cewsh: Unfortunately for Fisher, Molly has lent her phone to some dude, probably because they just had sex, so she doesn’t get any of his calls, and by the time he gets to the ferry, she is gone from his life entirely. Unwilling to accept this, however, Fisher CALLS THE POLICE, and his partner in particular and tells him that she’s been kidnapped and that he has to help him find her, completely ignoring the super important police stuff his buddy might be doing right at that moment. His buddy and all sorts of other cops show up, but it’s too late and she is definitely gone. Then, surprisingly, Miles answers Molly’s phone and tells Danny that he still has one last chance to win Molly back. Fisher responds by threatening Miles’ life in front of numerous uniformed police officers and onlookers.

Vice: Fisher says he’s going to hunt Miles down and kill him. While standing next to his cop buddies that don’t blink an eye. Isn’t it policy to, like, I dunno, not kill people? I suppose “I’m going to hunt you down, arrest you and read you your rights!” just doesn’t roll off the tongue as well. Still, it’s bad to hand out death threats as a cop.

Cewsh: Much like many romantic comedies through the ages, Miles lays out a number of things that Danny has to do to win Molly back, and calls the game “12 Rounds”. Unfortunately, lighting their house on fire and killing the plumber meant that Fisher lost round one, and letting Molly get on the ferry meant that he lost round two, but he still has a ghost of a chance if he wins out from here! Because Miles is one helluva nice guy, and also a lot of fun. He tells Fisher that the next round will test his punctuality, and the fact that he never answers the phone when she calls him, by asking him to answer a cell phone across town in a few minutes. Fisher races across town, stopping only to spray graffiti on the walls on a dilapidated building and then laugh about it, before he winds up at his brother’s firehouse. All the while he’s speeding around, he’s having these wacky 3 second flashbacks about Molly. Meaning that he really, REALLY shouldn’t be driving.

Vice: One of my favorite things about this movie was them showing a quick flashback scene as a way of rallying the viewers to get us emotionally involved in the characters, and Fisher’s quest to get his womanthing back. Wait, sensei, why is this pulling you in all of a sudden? Well grasshopper, the flashback clips they show are EARLIER CLIPS IN THE MOVIE, which makes it laughably brilliant. Maybe go out of your way and, you know, shoot a new scene or three? Or at least use a different camera angle or something. This was just horribly lazy. Yes, it’s so bad that I absolutely love it.

Cewsh: Fisher makes it to the phone in time, and wins the round. But then, all of a sudden, the fire alarm goes off at a nearby bank, and Miles says that if he can recover his and Molly’s safety deposit boxes from the bank, it will prove that he is willing to fight for their lives together. Danny Fisher hops in a car (probably not his) and speeds off to the bank.[/Spoiler]

Act 3: Cue “Aint No Mountain High Enough”. 

Cewsh: As Danny makes his way to the bank, he notices that there are other people in his car, namely the crazy FBI lead investigator from the beginning of the film and some other guy. The other guy fills Fisher in on the situation with some story about how Miles is an international terrorist, blah, blah, blah, and when Fisher gets mad about nobody telling him this obviously false information, the FBI guy essentially calls him a pussy and tells him to shut the fuck up, making him instantly the hero of this film.

They get to the bank, and Fisher, against orders, rushes up with the firefighters to the top floor, deflecting valuable firefighting resources from the effort of not letting a fucking bank in the middle of the city burn down, the selfish prick. They get up to the safety deposit boxes, and Fisher takes them both out. The trouble is that Fisher had previously put a bomb in Molly’s deposit box (long story) and now, if he removed it, it would trigger the bomb. Knowing this full well, he removes it anyway, giving himself and everyone around him 10 minutes to live. In a rare show of selflessness, Fisher elects to get the fuck out of the building before he kills everybody. But how does he elect to achieve this, you ask?

Vice: So instead of running out of a burning building, Cena thinks it would be faster to climb down it via cable. As he throws the cable down, he knows it’s not long enough, but realizes there’s a conveniently placed scaffold close by. So he descends, and somehow magically jumps 10 feet to the right, crashes through 18 planks of wood, no sells it all, and then runs off and steals a fire truck.

Wood Is Totally Soft, Right?


Fuck sake. Is this Grand Theft Auto or something?

Cewsh: In a rush to not die, Fisher drives his stolen fire truck through everything from roadside shops, street signs, other cars, and nearly pedestrians and he breakneck speeds back towards the harbor. The damage he incurs here is easily in the hundreds of thousands as he thoughtlessly destroys everything in his path, showing no regard for human life whatsoever, and honking on the horn like a demented third grader on a field trip. The number of cars that he explodes or simply demolishes while there are people inside here, is more than enough to put him in jail for the rest of his life, and the damage he does is actually comparably less than if he had just let the fucking bomb kill him and everybody in that room he was in.

I Just Hit A Clown On A Bike. How Many Points Is That?

Vice: 1970’s pickup trucks DO. NOT. EXPLODE. WHEN. YOU. HIT. THEM. Seriously, cars do not blow up when you sideswipe them. They just don’t. Even if you hit them with a fire truck. It’s one of the things I hate most about Hollywood.

Cewsh: Finally arriving at the harbor, Fisher tosses the bomb into the water with no regard for marine life, or any possible swimmers or fishermen in the water below. It explodes, fountaining water 50 feet into the air.

Irresponsible Littering Is Bad For The Environment.


The cops and other firefighters are immediately on the scene with guns drawn and axes hefted. Not to arrest Fisher, of course. In fact, nobody seems to notice that he just killed dozens of people and destroyed countless city property, aside from one guy, who manages, “Please tell me you didn’t kill anybody with that thing.” How does Fisher respond to this request? By staring moodily at the man, and then stalking back to his stolen fire truck to yell at people. Clearly, he had WANTED to kill somebody with it, but just got distracted with all of the running people over. Poor guy.

Miles calls, and is very impressed by Fisher’s persistence, and tells him to use the clue he stashed in the OTHER box to figure out where Molly is. As it turns out, she’s staying with Miles at a nearby hotel, and despite the fact that this is totally legal and kind of romantic, Fisher speeds off to the hotel to murder more people. Maybe with a gun this time, just to mix things up. Once he and the dickish FBI guy get there, they get repeatedly outsmarted by Miles who makes it clear that he isn’t afraid of those bullies, and even touchingly encourages Fisher by giving him some friendly words.

Conceivably In The Hot Tub.


Fisher isn’t happy with this, though, and he drags an overweight Samoan guy onto the elevator with him so he can go explore the service floor. It was probably on his lunch break too. The Samoan gentleman, named Willy or “Big Willy” to his friends, is immediately distressed when the elevator falters and stops mid descent. When Fisher demands that Miles explain what’s going on, like he’s Oz or something, Miles blames their woes on “Willy’s unfortunate girth.” Then the elevator drops 20 floors with a thud, and Fisher, who at first tries to save him, just gives up and lets him die, because hey, he could have broken a nail or something helping him out any further.

Random French Maid In 3…2…


Vice: “Willy’s unfortunate girth”. What a way of calling a man fat. Excellent dialog for the first time in this movie, really. Spoiler: he dies. At least we are to assume so. Maybe he’ll come back in a potential sequel as a villain. One thing I’d like to point out is how Cena lifted the 500 pound man up through the little hole in the top of the elevator. As wrestling fans, we know that Cena legitimately does have superhuman strength, but if you’ve never seen the guy, you wouldn’t think he was THAT strong. So I didn’t think too much of him lifting ol Unfortunate Girth Willy, but to the average viewer (all five of them that somehow found themselves in the wrong theater at the time), it must have been a ridiculous thing to see. [/Spoiler]

Act 4: Of Helicopters, Ice Cream Cones, and Surfing.


Cewsh: After letting Willy plunge to his doom, Fisher runs outside, and he and the FBI spend like 3 hours trying to trace Miles’ call, which doesn’t work because they’re fucking idiots, and he’s brilliant. Miles does let slip, on purpose, that he’s on a bus (eating ice cream), with Molly and that they’d love to see Danny so that they can all talk this thing out.

Mmm. Ice Cream.


Fisher promptly drops everything and jumps on the bus, with only one thing to say to his nemesis.

Vice: “FUCK YOU!!” yells Fisher. Role model.

Now this was a crazy scene. It is the policy of the law to try to preserve LIFE and not just kill a bad guy, no matter how bad. So clearly, they should just kill the bad guy with a sniper shot to the back of the skull. To achieve this, they have to have two snipers shooting at a MOVING BUS. One to take out the glass (and hopefully NOT KILL SOMEONE in the process) right in front of Miles, and the other to actually snipe Miles in the head. I don’t know about you, but two precision sniper shots fired back to back on a very small target sitting on a bus that’s going 40 miles an hour… that seems like a hard thing to pull off. Naturally Fisher, who is handcuffed to one of the poles in the bus, is able to see the shots coming and leaps over and physically push his girlfriend and Miles down to the ground, taking the bullet himself. Now this just doesn’t make sense.

First off, the fact that Fisher could still make it to the other side and touch the bad guy is just a massive oversight on bad guy’s behalf. Second, why the fuck didn’t Fisher let the bad guy get killed? Fisher doesn’t want the bomb (that’s strapped to the girl’s chest, ala Speed) to go off, but let’s just say that the sniper did in fact kill Miles, and he couldn’t have his finger on the device to keep it in the green. The girl is not handcuffed. She could go pick up the device and simply put the dead guy’s finger on it. Is that rocket science? No. Fisher apparently doesn’t trust his woman, or he’s just a stupid pile of crap. Anyway, the whole scene is rather stupid. To make matters worse, you have like 40 feds watching this bus. Miles, with Fisher’s woman (WHO HAS A GIANT BOMB STRAPPED TO HER TORSO) being dragged along, disappears into a crowd of 18 people.

Though I guess you could say that it’s a bit realistic, considering some of the idiots we have employed here in the states.

Oh yeah, I did mention that Danny got shot, right? Yeah. Blink and you miss it. He gets patched up in about three seconds and he never sells it. Also, you can’t no sell sniper rifle bullets. If it was a 9mm or something, I’d almost be okay with it considering that 6,000 people in movies over the years have no sold them (and I even know people in real life that have no sold them), but sniper bullets do not fuck around. At all. The bullet wouldn’t just hit Danny’s arm and get stuck in there like a small little dinky bullet. It would go through his body and have an exit wound the size of a plum. Asshole.

Cewsh: Following the harrowing events of the bus ride, Fisher is about ready to break down in despair, but his best friend and partner is there to boost him up again. Despite Danny totally cock blocking him like 5 times earlier in the movie, his partner has been studying up on Miles’ buddies, and wants to go shake them down to see what they know. This begins a long subplot about Fisher’s partner stalking one of Miles’ friends across the city before finally cornering him in a room in his house. Now, in order to fully emphasize the absurdity of this bit, let me set the scene for you. They are in Miles’ friend’s house, okay? He is waiting in the house because he knew Fisher’s partner was stalking him. Upon Fisher’s partner entering the room, they both pull guns on each other and Miles’ friend tells Fisher’s partner that Fisher is, like, totally going down. Then they both look to the side as a land mine erupts from the floor, flies through the air and detonates, killing them both.

WHAT?!

Putting aside the ridiculousness of this being how they die, how the fuck did Miles’ friend not notice a fucking enormous landmine launchpad set up 6 feet to his right in the room that he was patiently waiting in? Did he think it was an oddly ornate coaster with Christmas lights attached to it? Or does he just generally stock that sort of thing around the house, leading to amusing misunderstandings? Oi.

Also, do you think Miles triggered the mine, or Fisher? Sorry partner dude, you totally shouldn’t have complimented his wife. That’ll teach you good.

Vice: Meanwhile, across town, Fisher stops an out of control street car by driving in front of it and slamming on the brakes, then climbing on top of the car and knocking the power out with a wrench that I honestly believe he pulled out of his ass.

The Waves Are Totally Bitchin’ Today.


Oh right. None of that actually worked. So, Fisher gets back in the car and happily unwedges it from the front of the street car and drives off. He and his passenger jump out of the fucking car and let it fly into the conveniently placed generators 6 feet away from all of this, which, well, explodes the generator and cuts the power.

Generators Aren’t Important, Are They?


I’d love to be an action hero. Seriously. This looks so fun. There are no rules to how much of a dickhead you can be, how much crap you can blow up, how many times you can get shot, and how you get in ZERO trouble for all the crap you do to get your dick wet again.

Cewsh: With his friend dead, and Miles going mysteriously silent, what with Fisher blowing up stuff faster than he can create new games to justify it, Danny sits down and suddenly decides that, GASP, Miles is trying to rob a bank. Not, you know, help him with his relationship issues.

Some people are so ungrateful.

Vice: Okay, it’s plot twist time. Or an attempt at being a plot twist. Maybe just a revelation. Or something. Fisher gets a phone call from one of the tech guys, who more or less lays everything out for him in plain English. Fisher, being the absolute dickhead that he is, not only doesn’t thank the guy who just solved the alleged case, but he doesn’t even say bye to him. He just hangs up the phone. To make things even worse, he then “solves” it himself with the higher ups in the car, so that they can hear his mastery of detectivity. What a selfish prick. He would be taken out back and executed in some countries for what he did. It was just embarrassing and infuriating. Everything here is just so wrong and so poorly done. It’s so empty. So convoluted. So absolutely, mercilessly contrived. I dunno though, I’m thinking that Jackson is a bit too lucky. Not sure if I can totally get behind that.

“So Wait, Explain The Plot Of This Movie To Me One More Time.”

Cewsh: Now with the entire fucking United States government riding down on his ass because he had the gall to try to help Danny Fisher, Miles and Molly attempt to escape in the most logical way that they can think of.

Via random, convenient helicopter.

Vice: I didn’t know Fisher’s girlfriend could fly a helicopter. I really didn’t. I mean, we really had no idea what sort of skills she had, other than noticing that a sink is leaking when the entire floor of their house is covered in water. Though, when I think about it, I guess flying a helicopter is like a walk in the park. She did have to somehow pilot a spaceship of sorts to get to planet Earth, you know. Though I could see them being very different skills. I don’t know. Maybe they should have mentioned that SHE COULD FLY A MOTHERFUCKING HELICOPTER or something. It’s just ridiculous to think that some bimbo with minimal encouragement could magically fly a helicopter out of the blue. She’s pro.

Cewsh: Naturally, Danny Fisher aint having any of that bullshit as he runs and jumps off of a 50 story building, grabs the helicopter, and pulls himself into the cabin.

And Then John Cena Remembered That He Could Just Fly To It.

While his former lover tries to keep them all from dying due to his recklessness, as Fisher shoots like 30 bullets directly into the fuel tank, Danny and Miles struggle in the cabin. Miles, being the plucky son of a bitch that he is, beats the ever loving shit out of the larger man, hitting him with everything from a scalpel, to shock paddles, to a bottle full of acid (who stocked this helicopter?). Unfortunately, Molly has a sudden change of heart and decides that she loves Danny more at this point, leading to her sabotaging Miles by spinning the helicopter, knocking him off of his feet, and then helpfully nagging her man on as Fisher punches Miles in the face on uncomfortable number of times.

As Molly and Danny attempt to strap in to land safely, though, Miles has his final last stand, as he pulls out the bomb from earlier, that Fisher had obviously strapped to his wife to begin with to keep strange men from giving her hugs. He sets the bomb to explode, ideally killing the psychopath and the cheating whore at the same time, doing the whole world a favor. Unfortunately though, he couldn’t have predicted that Fisher would actually convince his old/new lover to jump out of a fucking helicopter spinning wildly in mid air over a skyscraper, could he?

Vice: JUMPING OUT OF A HELICOPTER AND FALLING 200 FEET INTO A SWIMMING POOL? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Wheeee!


That has to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve seen in forever. If you’re 400 feet above a pool, smacking into the water is more or less like smacking into a slab of concrete. It’s just not good for business and most likely wouldn’t save you. But hey, this is Detective Fisher and Space Lemur, so they survive and make out a bit, before walking off and making jokes about how their house blew up.

Wanna Get Some Tacos?

Cewsh: Thus our movie ends with our hero falling in ashy heaps all over New Orleans, as his murderers strut off to ruin more lives and kill more people, justice unfulfilled on the anniversary of the passing of his soul mate. They will be together forever more, spirits in the lifestream of those that Danny Fisher has killed.

Anybody Got Any Marshmellows?


I’ll admit it. I cried.

———————————-


Vice’s Verdict:

Arguably the hardest working man in wrestling, the multi-time WWE world champion is frequently met with catcalls as he walks to the ring despite his obvious talents and improving wrestling skills.

Now this cynicism has followed him to the movie world.

His latest WWE Films-produced flick, 12 Rounds, was dismissed by many who have not even seen the film, because its string of predecessors have been flops.

But Cena, as ever, is unperturbed.

In an exclusive interview, he told SunSport: “I’ve had to fight that battle my entire career.

“Vince McMahon has been fighting that battle since he took the company global. It’s personal ignorance.

“People don’t know how good we are as entertainers. They don’t know how good we are as people in the media.

“The only way we can silence those voices is by putting together a good product.

“We’ve done that with 12 Rounds.”

– 2007 Interview

Vice: Wrong.

This movie was absolutely fucking terrible and I want my time back. Fuck. I had to watch this TWICE, too. Close up shop, WWE Studios, ‘cause you’re bloody terrible. Oh, wait, you’re giving John Cena a third movie?

Can’t wait.

Cewsh’s Conclusions:


Cewsh: This movie was garbage. Reckless, unabated garbage with no respect for its star, its genre, or its fanbase. If even one single person had managed at any point to stand up and say, “Um, I think what we have here is a stupid fucking movie and we need to rewrite everything in it, and cast someone who actually fits the part, like conceivably anyone else.” This could all have been avoided. But it wasn’t. And now the evidence stands before you. Despite my genuine appreciation for John Cena’s talents in and out of the ring, there’s no defending this. This is a bad movie. And bad movies are bad.

Simple truth.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 21 out of 100.

Alright, that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our cinematic adventure through the magical world of John Cena killing innocent people and yelling a lot.

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