Cewsh Reviews: Wrestlemania XXX

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Wrestlemania XXX

Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of the only reviews that are so popular that even Triple H is willing to put them over, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we come together once again to cover the crowning moment of the wrestling year, WWE Wrestlemania XXX! Boy, what a year it has been since the last time we did one of these, huh? A new top star has risen from seemingly nowhere to take the wrestling world by storm, the corporation has reformed just in time to fight him and a whole new generation of superstars has grown up right in front of our eyes, from the Shield to Bray Wyatt and beyond. And into this whirlwind of change and renewal steps the gallant warriors of Cewsh Reviews, to lend our thoughts, opinions, freak outs, and assorted neuroses to the story of legend of Wrestlemania. And hoo boy, do we ever have some crazy shit to talk about. With all that in mind, let us roll out the red carpet for you as we assemble once more to tackle one of the most talked about events in wrestling history.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – It’s Time For The Introduction…

Cewsh: Right off the top of this review, I’m afraid I have some bad news for dedicated Cewshketeers who may remember our past Wrestlemania reviews. Unfortunately, due to the close proximity to our Shimmer weekend trip, Mrs. Cewsh and I weren’t able to have our usual fun time Wrestlemania jamboree with Mama Cewsh and Vice, and none of my usual three Wrestlemania review partners will be joining me on this one. I know, I know. You were dying to hear my mother talk about which wrestlers really fill out their panties, and to see Mrs. Cewsh and Vice humiliate me in the DR. EXTREME prediction contest again, but there’s always hope for next year.

Now, I can’t see your faces, but I assume you’re all giving me sad puppy dog eyes right now, and getting ready to click over to whatever nasty porn you use to make yourself feel better, (really? You’re into that? Good lord, people.) But hey I never said I was tackling the biggest show of the year on my own. I’ve assembled a superteam of Cewsh Reviews regulars to tackle this incredible event, and they should all be very familiar to you. We have…

ARTIE…one of the stars of the Cewshcast 5000 podcast, and a vibrating ball of relentless enthusiasm.

MICHAEL…our resident professor, dealing in all things statistic and history related.

DDT…one of our Japanese wrestling experts, and a man who does not sugarcoat anything. Ever. Like seriously, don’t ask him how you look in that shirt.

And, of course, yours truly. Together we’re going to tackle a show that made history in too many ways to count, and which somehow managed to send all four of us home happy. How did it manage that? Well let’s find out!

Segment 2 – Whatcha Gonna Do When Nostalgia Runs Wild On You?

Artie: It’s here! It’s here! It’s here! AND I was there! Of course, I’m talking about WrestlingMania 30. I was there and you weren’t, so that’s that.

This show begins with the Hulkster (brother) cutting a (brother) promo (brother), wherein he calls the SUPERdome the SILVERdome (brother). Hilarity ensues on the television audience’s end, but in the arena, it was HOT HOT HOT as the crowd booed and jeered like the drunk fucks we were. BUT that’s not all! The glass breaks and Stone (what) Cold (what) Steve (what) Austin (what) rolls on out to the ring to chit-chat with Hogan and make me squeal like a little girl. These two banter for a bit before THEY SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING as out comes the most electrifying man in sports and entertainment today. These 3 do that thing that they do where they make everyone mark out like the lame wrestling fans they are.

DDT: OH GOD IT’S THE ROCK!!! ROCK, AUSTIN AND HOGAN ARE IN THE SAME RING MY CHILDHOOD CAN’T HANDLE HYPERVENTILATING SOMEONE HELP!!!!

Cewsh: HOLY SHIT! IT’S THE STARS OF SUBURBAN COMMANDO AND THE EXPENDABLES IN THE RING WITH MOVIE STAR DWAYNE JOHNSON!

This Is What The Crowd Looked Like When The Rock’s Music Hit. Don’t Lie, This Is You, Too.

DDT: So uh, yeah. That happened. It was awesome. I really don’t know how else you describe three of the four biggest stars WWE has ever had in the same ring at the same time talking up a show that is comprised mostly of unknowns and up-and-comers.

Wait a minute…I’m sensing the beginning of a theme here…

Michael: This is, to the best of my knowledge, the first time Austin and Hogan have ever been in the same ring together. And much as both men have their flaws and genius in equal measures (and sometimes even in the same moment), the vast quantity of their drawing power can’t be denied. Between them, Hogan and Austin probably drew Vince McMahon more money than most countries of the world put together. Then you add in The Rock, one of the few mega world known stars in entertainment and pro-wrestling. Three legit icons in an industry which over uses the word icon far too often.

This could have been like The Rocks opening at WrestleMania 27, which went for 25 minutes or so, and meandered. Instead this provided historical significance (which is what WrestleMania is meant to be, as much as promoting the now) and had the three biggest stars in wrestling put over the current crop as worthy of great excitement.

Cewsh: What can you even say about this? This is the greatest possible opening segment you could have for a Wrestlemania. It didn’t intrude on the rest of the show it made people stupidly happy, it put over the rest of the talent on the show, and it made a moment in history that we’ll remember forever. This show is off to the best possible start.

Also, for a bit bit of extra stat nerdiness, our professor has compiled the full documented win-loss records for everyone who appears on this show. So keep an eye at the start of every segment, and spend the evening scratching your head trying to remember which 4 people beat Hulk Hogan at a Wrestlemania.*

Wrestlemania Records:
Hogan: 8-4
Austin: 5-2
Rock: 4-6

*For the record, it was, in order, The Ultimate Warrior, Andre the Giant, (via a double DQ,) Money Inc and The Rock.

Segment 3 – Triple H vs. Daniel Bryan

Wrestlemania Records:
HHH: 8-10
Bryan: 2-1

Cewsh: If you were to look at this feud on the surface, you might think that it is about Daniel Bryan, his remarkable rise to the top of the wrestling world, and his imminent triumph over the powers of evil. You might think that Bryan’s feud with Triple H is just a matter of them using the biggest heel the had access to to put over their new top guy on the biggest show of the year. You might even think that this match between Bryan and Triple H is just parsley on the plate of the bigger match later in the night. All of those things are understandable, but all of them sell this match short, and all of them focus on the wrong man.

From the start of his WWE career, Triple was earmarked for success. He rose steadily toward to the top, due both to his obvious natural talent, and his associations with powerful forces within the company. Despite the hiccups caused by those associations, (The Curtain Call, for example,) Triple H eventually assumed his place atop the WWE, and once he got there, he never faltered. In the 15 years since Triple H won his first WWE Championship, he has remained one of the biggest names in the wrestling business, and has even grown into a key part of the WWE infrastructure itself. And while titles came and went, and his priorities shifted, a few things remained true about the Triple H character.

– He was always in control, even in defeat.
– He always saw himself as the true champion, regardless of who held the title.
– He always looked down on jumped up midcarders.

Those three points define Triple H’s entire character and when he became the leader of the WWE, his management style reflected them. In the very moment when Daniel Bryan’s victory was assured, and a new era of the company seemed about to dawn, Triple H took matters into his own hands, and bent the future of the company to his designs. In Randy Orton, he found a champion that he had personally groomed. In The Authority, he found a way to exert control over everything and everyone. And in Daniel Bryan, he found a foe that represented all of the men that he had spent his career shoving down.

But this time the jumped up midcarder wouldn’t be held down. Fans in arenas across the United States and the world would not allow him to be held down. Month after month, Triple H watched his precious control evaporate in the face of the unreal reactions that Daniel Bryan received. He tried everything he could think of to curb Bryan’s progress, threw every conceivable obstacle in his way, and never quite took him all the way seriously, until Bryan hijacked an episode of Raw with a veritable army of supporters.

And so, faced with a real problem that he couldn’t trust anyone else to solve, Triple H decided to use his greatest weapon. Himself.

This match means everything for Daniel Bryan and for the legion of fans who have come so far in supporting him. But the match means just as much for Triple H, as a man who not only has his reputation at stake, but the very belief in his own superiority that has driven his every move for 15 years. This golden boy has to defend his way of life against a man who worked for everything, and is on the cusp of rising higher than Triple H himself ever did. Triple H has to win this match to prove that Daniel Bryan represents everything that is wrong with wrestling.

And he will fail.

DDT: The opening video to this is fantastic; from the images to the song choice to the voice-overs; if you came into WrestleMania cold, (and it is entirely possible that a literal boatloads of people came into this show cold,) you were not even slightly confused about who was who, what they were doing, and how they got there. A+ effort by the production team (see what I did there?)

Michael: Behold the King!

With the classical music, Stephanie introduction, (Triple H now being the man of a thousand nicknames,) and over the top Game of Thrones inspired outfits, this was one of the greatest over the top wrestling entrances ever.

How Did He Convince His Wife To Let Him Have Groupies?

DDT: The match itself is again, brilliant in its simplicity. Whenever it is a fair fight, Daniel simply out-wrestles the Game in such a way that it makes HHH look like a chump. HHH doesn’t take kindly to this, so he starts fighting dirty; going after the arm, not breaking immediately on the referee’s count, turning a wrestling contest into a ring-side brawl, he does every little cheap thing he can to beat Daniel Bryan. And yet Daniel just…won’t…die. And when he finally hits the Running Knee Strike and gets the win, the crowd erupts in a moment that feels so good you almost forget that this was the opening match.

And then then the post-match beating occurred, and we are met with step 5 of what made this brilliant. After coming in hurt and already wrestling one of the best the company has ever seen, Daniel Bryan will now come into the main event even more hurt than we originally predicted.

From entrances to post-match shenanigans, this match easily gets:

RATING: 5 running knees out of 5.

Between this and the Hogan/Austin/Rock nostalgia trip, we are off to a great start. Hats off to both men.

Artie: It’s sorta cute watching Trips try to keep up with the American Dragon’s chain wrestling. Triple H proceeds to do that thing where he has the longest match of the night, regardless of whether or not it should be. If the crowd sounds quiet, it’s because we were a bit drained between the first segment and YESing for Bryan.

This probably shouldn’t have gone 30 minutes, as a lot of us were saving energy for Bryan’s later match.
The match was a little long, but it told the underdog story quite well. Bryan had Triple H’s number all match and got the big win, allowing him to enter the main event. He eats a post-match beatdown, setting up some shenanigans for later in the night. The right man went over and that’s what matters.

Grade: SOLID B+ player…I mean opener.

Cewsh: Triple H is the consummate WWE wrestler, and throughout his career he’s mostly worked that style and played a huge role in the post-Attitude Era shift to a more conservative style overall. Daniel Bryan, on the other hand, is the poster child for the modern style of wrestling, elements of his style taken from all kinds of different countries and influences, and developed on the highest profile indy wrestling stages. Watching this match, it’s fascinating to watch Triple H take moves like a Sunset Flip Powerbomb, or Daniel Bryan’s corner running kicks, because it just looks so alien to see moves like that get used on someone like him. For his part, he focuses on classic limb work, as he lays waste to Bryan’s arm with his deep arsenal of arm punishing moves.

But despite anything Triple H does to Daniel Bryan, Bryan is younger, he’s faster, he’s better, he’s more modern, and he can’t be stopped. As the match progresses, you can see Triple H go from stunned surprise at the style being thrown at him, to actually trying to incorporate it a little bit and beat Bryan at his own game. If you don’t believe me, watch Triple H throw a fucking Tiger Suplex for the first time in his 20 year career.

I Can’t Wait For Triple H To Debut As Tiger Mask VI.

After all of this, it comes down to that moment when Triple H catches Bryan with a Spinebuster, picks him up, and drops him with a Pedigree. For the past 15 years, there is no move, save perhaps the Tombstone, that has been pushed so hard as a kill move that YOU DO NOT KICK OUT OF. It is one of the defining moves in WWE history. And Daniel Bryan kicks out. He goes for another one, and Bryan slips out, backs up to the corner, and bashes Triple H’s fucking skull in with a Busaiku Knee Kick.

This is a match that would work on it’s own without all of the story that pours in behind it, but holy shit, guys. This is such an incredible match for this storyline, and is such an incredibly satisfying win for Bryan. Triple H put him over for 30 straight minutes, and then put him over clean in the middle of the ring at the end. It was everything that smarks were sure it wouldn’t be. And it was fucking great.

92 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval


Michael: People can say what they want about Triple H – when he puts someone over on the big show, he really goes all out.

Daniel Bryan Over Triple H Following The Running Knee Strike.

Segment 4 – The Shield vs. The Authority (Kane and the New Age Outlaws)

Wrestlemania Records: 
Shield: all 2-0
Dogg: 1-3
Gunn: 1-4
KANE 8-9

DDT: For months the Shield have been HHH’s go-to guys for his dirty work, but they’ve recently been clashing with HHH right-hand Kane and his old D-X buddies for some reason or another. Going in, it seems to me at least that the plan was for the Outlaws to hold the belts until WrestleMania, where they would promptly drop them to the Usos. Then CM Punk left, and in order to mitigate as much damage as possible, they gave us the tag title change the following Raw instead. So here we are; Usos on the pre-show, and the Outlaws teaming up with Kane to get beat up by the Shield.

And oh yes, they get the living shit stomped out of them for five minutes before finishing things off with a double…triple powerbomb…thingy…on the Outlaws. This match was here to do two things:

1.) Establish that the Shield are now baby faces.
2.) That they are still bad-ass mofos despite it now being okay to cheer them.

And really that’s it. Not much else to say on this one; sweet and super-short. Hmm, now that we mention it though, we seem to be continuing this theme of the new era…

RATING: Two DOUBLE-TRIPLE POWERBOMBS out of 5

Artie: As the first match wraps up, the second match starts and ends in a solid two minutes flat. The Outlaws have their entrance interrupted by The Shield, who proceed to smack them and Kane straight back into the 90’s. I’m sure time was cut from this because of Bryan, Triple H, and his ego going so god damn long, but this was a perfect Wrestlemania squash. The Shield looked like absolute animals and they just cleaned house with a big double spear and the first ever double-triple powerbomb.

More Like A Triple POWDER Bomb. See, Because They’re Old And…Their Bones Are Powder? I Don’t Know, Man. 

Grade: Double S for Super Squash.

Michael: Kane takes the Roman Reigns spear like a boss, and then the Outlaws try to escape but get their asses well and truly massacred at the hands of the Shield. And to think, a few weeks ago, we spoke of the imminent Shield break up. Instead, the WWE turned them face (quite literally) and they’ve got much more mileage in that tank. Which will be to the benefit of any future mega stars within.

Also, JBL’s comment on the double triple-powerbomb – “There goes the Attitude era” – gets my commentary line of the night award. So, the Shield look dominant. Kane gets on WrestleMania, the fans get to see the New Age Outlaws get destroyed in a way their karma Houdini always managed to avoid back in the day, and Road Dogg, having come back from the brink of terrible addiction without any DDP Yoga in sight, gets to end his career on a high note at a WrestleMania rather than as one of wrestling’s great tragedies. Everybody wins.

Cewsh: Especially us. Squash match is squishy.

70 out of 100

The Shield Over The Authority Following A Spear.

Segment 5 – The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Wrestlemania Records:
 Cesaro: 1-0
Khali: 1-2
Ryder: 0-2
McIntyre: 1-2
Slater: 0-2
Henry: 2-4
Miz: 3-1
Marella: 1-2
Gabriel: 0-2
Otunga: 1-1
Big E: 0-2
Fandango: 1-1
R-Truth: 0-3
Goldust: 0-6
Rhodes: 1-3
Mysterio: 4-4
Kingston: 1-3
Ziggler: 1-4
Del Rio: 2-2
Sheamus: 1-3
Big Show: 4-9
Yoshi, Brad Maddox, Brodus Clay, Darren Young, Jinder Mahal, Titus O’Neil, Xavier Woods, Damian Sandow, Sin Cara and Tyson Kidd were all making their in-ring debut at WrestleMania. All go 0-1.

DDT: This, to me, was a classy way to honor the memory of one of the biggest wrestling stars the world has ever seen (and for my money, STILL the only professional wrestler who has made a good movie.) Now, if you are an experienced wrestling fan you know exactly how battle royals are: they start with some brawling, you have no idea who’s doing what until the announcers draw your attention to something mildly interesting, and you are too busy trying to pick out who’s in this thing to even pay attention to what they are doing.

This will continue to whittle down until there are few enough people that we can actually start to pay attention to the match itself, like Kofi Kingston’s insane escapes from elimination (swear to the good Lord Above, that kid is going to get himself killed someday.)

Michael: This match is hard not to love. Look at the people who get WrestleMania paychecks from it. Yoshi Tatsu! Who knew he still existed. Tyson Kidd, after a long and terrible injury layoff. Brodus Clay, after his match got axed last year. Darren Young, Santino, even Zack Ryder and Justin Gabriel. Folk who had no chance of the card whatsoever.

DDT: We came down to two men; the Big Show (surprising no one) and Cesaro (again, surprising no one). They tease Cesaro’s elimination right up until the Swiss Superman PICKS BIG SHOW UP LIKE IT AIN’T NO THING and almost casually tosses him over the top rope. Having followed him since about 2007 or so, I always knew Cesaro he was freakishly strong, but damn.

This Is Obviously A Callback To That Legendary Moment When Lex Luger Bodyslammed Yokozuna.

RATING: Two GIANT SWINGS out of five.

Artie: Cesaro lifting up the Big Show like that was a killer way for him to win. Cesaro looked like a beast and I love it.

Grade: B+ Battle Royal. Really, really fun and gave a lot of guys a little time to shine at Wrestlingmania who otherwise would have had nothing to do.

Cewsh: The right guy won here I don’t think there’s any question about that. And between the huge reaction to Cesaro and the homage to Hogan/Andre at the end, this was a real feel good moment for everyone watching. I saw people who didn’t even know Cesaro’s name before this show going crazy for him when he lifted Big Show over the top rope, and if he can sustain some of this momentum, then this could very well be the Summer of the Swiss Superman.

Unfortunately, Now He Has To Find Room In His House For A 4 Foot Golden Tribute To Dick Bulges.

Antonio Cesaro Over Everyone Else.

Segment 6 – John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

Wrestlemania Records:
Cena: 8-3
Wyatt: 0-1

Artie: This match isn’t a technical wrestling spectacular by any means, but it is certainly damn good FIGHT loaded up with a metric ass-ton of psychology. Wyatt plays into Cena’s fears of becoming a monster by faking him out right off the bat and offering himself up as a sacrifice. While Cena doesn’t give in, he does get noticeably freaked out by Wyatt’s bizarre strategy. Cena does his best to fight back by HUSTLING some LOYALTY and RESPECT, but Bray Wyatt fights back with general creepiness.

Wyatt somehow manages to conduct the audience like a symphony, not only making them sing “He’s got the whole world in his hands”, but indirectly causing them to play into his twisted psychology as he does, in fact, have them right in his hands. Cena fights back by not killing Wyatt with some steel stairs or a steel chair, but Wyatt still can’t get the victory, as Cena powers up and beats him clean dead center in the ring.

Some of the spots dragged a bit too long, considering there wasn’t much in-ring action in comparison to the story being told. Still, this match had a brilliant big fight feel, considering it was the 4th Main Event of the show. I genuinely enjoyed it, aside from Cena winning.

Grade: B+ Damn good fight, if not a bit TOO long for the type of match. 

Cewsh: This was Bray Wyatt’s coming out party. Wyatt has obviously caused a ton of buzz ever since coming to the main roster, and has had some memorable matches and segments before now, but this is the match that will define him in the future. He got the chance to go up against the biggest star in the wrestling industry, on the biggest show of the year, and he hit that shit so far out of the park that we’re going to have to get NASA involved to see where it came down.

Ironically, Thanks To Bray Wyatt, Hope Is Far From Lost.

The way Wyatt told the story, and went about trying to corrupt Cena was amazing, and kudos to John for doing a great job in an acting heavy role that is unlike anything he’s really had to do before.

88 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

DDT: This may be the most awesome thing on the show. Yes, that includes the things that happened after. This was great.

I loved this match; loved it right up until the end. Bray Wyatt has his character down to an art form, and John reacted to it brilliantly, all while spiced with great action, crowd-participation, and the greatest counter to the 5 knuckle shuffle ever.

And then…the end happened.

Honestly, the ending itself didn’t bother me…if that was the end of the feud. It wasn’t; the feud marches on. The way to end this was Cena resisting using the chair, only to be rolled up from behind and pinned. Cena is frustrated because in a moment of weakness he lost, Bray is frustrated because he hasn’t broken Cena, reason for the feud to go on. So a downer ending to what otherwise was a great match. So you know, same old from John Cena.

RATING: Four CREEPY EXORCIST HANDSTANDS out of five

Despite the ending, this was another new face arriving at the big stage and making an impact. THEME CONTINUES!

John Cena Over Bray Wyatt Following The Attitude Adjustment.

Segment 7 – The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

Wrestlemania Records:
Lesnar: 2-2
Taker: 21-1

Cewsh: Our job as wrestling reviewers is easy. We sit here and write down what we think of things, and then you read them and then we all move on. Generally it’s as simple as figuring out the best way to construct a sentence that insults Buff Bagwell in a new and fresh way. But when it comes to a match like this one, things get rough. I know full well that a large number of people have opened this review and immediately scrolled down to this match in order to see what we thought about one of the most controversial moments in wrestling history, so if we just say, “Eh, it was pretty weird.” then they’ll all go away unhappy and they might kick their dog out of frustration, and then I would be responsible for hundreds of puppy injuries. I can’t bear that on my conscience. So let’s delve deep into the conflicting emotions that go along with what happened when the Beast met the Deadman.

That Last One Is My Favorite. That Dude Was Going Through Something.

Michael: *sniff* I knew the Streak would end one day, as the storyline pointed in the direction, and Taker is of the old school, where you leave on your back. But this year? To Brock? Didn’t see that coming, though of course we all should have. Taker’s long standing respect for Lesnar, the fact Lesnar came back to pro-wrestling for this match, all the hints were there.

The Streak, and Undertakers career (for I have no doubts he is done now) ended exactly the way I foresaw it. With Taker trying but being unable to carry off the stuff he used, and just getting killed by a monster in his prime.

Genuinely gutted on the fan level if this is the end of The Undertakers career, but what a bloody career it has been! He earned every single bit of respect he got from his peers, his fans and even non-wrestling fans from my experience. (I even know legit martial arts experts who claim you have to respect The Undertaker, he has a sort of rare aura even beyond pro-wrestling at times.)

But I fully respect his desire to leave, and to go out to Brock Lesnar. It was certainly his choice.

Artie: It’s hard to talk about this match because I didn’t enjoy anything about it aside from the ending. This match was pretty damn bad, which is saying a lot, considering Taker usually has the best match of the show. Unfortunately, Undertaker was very much not there for this match. Between his concussion, the shape he was in, and the years upon years worth of piled-on injuries, Taker just couldn’t pull off a good one here. Brock and Undertaker just had bad chemistry and it made for a sloppy match.

The ending, however, I thought was absolutely brilliant. I’m glad the streak is gone. The feeling in the Superdome was absolutely surreal. Genuinely surreal. I thought something went wrong, I figured Vince would run down and restart the match, but no, that didn’t happen. When the 21-1 graphic appeared, I dropped my beer in disbelief. I just couldn’t believe it was over, but I’m glad it is. Nothing last forever and the streak finally died. RIP to the streak and hopefully this means The Undertaker is finally ready to hang up those boots.

Grade: D for devastation. Devastation in the ring, devastation of the streak, and devastation in the hearts of so many fans.

Cewsh: Obviously the Undertaker having a concussion is the underlying story behind this match. Towards the end, the match really gets bogged down, and the whole thing ends on a really anticlimactic note. With that said, this isn’t nearly the horrible match that people have been painting it as. With a stirring finish, I think we’d remember it quite fondly.

But the match quality is secondary to the significance of the winner, right? Well, i’ve avoided giving my opinion on this whole thing up to now, but here it is special for you guys here it is: I loved it. When the referee counted to 3 I got the biggest damn grin on my face, and I just kept repeating, “I love this, I love this.” And my reasoning is simple. Things in wrestling are not meant to last forever. Everything is the wrestling industry endlessly feeds on everything else, and the idea that the Undertaker would retire with the Streak unbroken wouldn’t just have been a missed opportunity for the person who beats him, it would have been a missed opportunity for us as fans to have this incredible moment.

This will always be the night that the Streak was broken. Brock Lesnar will always be the monster who finally broke it. These are things that went down in history and will be spoken of a generation from now. And from where I sit, that’s pretty fucking rad.

80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

DDT: This gutted me. This gutted me right down to my soul; I could feel myself sinking into the couch. The match was awful thanks to poor Taker getting a concussion, and then he loses in the most anti-climactic fashion to Brock Lesnar, a man who needs this win about as much as a fat-man needs chocolate. Now, if Undertaker is finally done, and we have every reason to think that he is, so be it; nothing they could do to help it, as there was no one else on the roster who would have been a fitting enough opponent for Brock Lesnar. The whole point of making the streak a big deal was to see it taken down; we knew that the second WWE made mention of it as more than an interesting statistic. And it is in a sense a fitting addition to the theme of the end to the old era; that last bastion of the older generation, the streak held by the man who has been around since the latter Rock’N’Wrestling days, crushed by one of the Precursors to this glorious New Age.

I just wish it was someone other than Brock Lesnar, I wish the Undertaker could go out on a high-note after a string of having a MOTN contender every WrestleMania, and I wish I felt something other than a sinking numb feeling in my gut. Santa Claus isn’t real, the Easter Bunny is a work, and the Undertaker is no longer undefeated at WrestleMania.

That just feels…wrong.

RATING: One F-5 out of 5

Brock Lesnar Over The Undertaker Following The F-5.

Segment 8 – WWE Divas Championship – AJ Lee (c) vs. Natalya vs. Tamina vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella vs. Layla vs. Rosa Mendes vs. Eva vs. Emma

Wrestlemania Records:
AJ Lee: 1-0
Funkadactyls: 0-1
Aksana: 0-1
Alicia Fox: 0-1
Bellas: 0-1
Emma: 0-1
Eva Marie: 0-1
Tamina: 0-1
Rosa Mendes: 0-1
Summer Rae 0-1
Nattie 0-2
Layla 1-3

Artie: Oh god. Oh dear god. Goodness gracious. I have NEVER felt so bad for a group of women as I did here. Being there live, I can tell you that the emotions and tensions were so high in the superdome that everyone was either A) In line for booze B) taking a piss break/crying in the bathroom or C) BOOING THE ABSOLUTE FUCK OUT OF THESE INNOCENT WOMEN.

I was in group c, unfortunately. I booed and booed and booed like all hell, while weeping into my beer and keeping the guy next to me from crying. AJ got a good reaction, but everything else about this match…just ouch.

Grade: I couldn’t even grade this fairly if I tried. Poor, poor girls.

Cewsh: Even if this match hadn’t had to follow the Undertaker’s streak being broken, it still would have been a gigantic mess. They all do their best but they’re expected to cram about 300 spots into 5 minutes, and only one of those spots gets any reaction whatsoever, (when AJ forces Naomi to tap at the end.)

Who Could Resist Cheering For A Woman That Happy?

AJ looked pretty good in winning, but this was a buffer match to let people recover, and it really proves the value of that booking concept. If they had tried to go straight into the main event after Taker/Lesnar, it would have severely harmed how special that match was. Instead, they Divas were tossed to the wolves for a sacrifice.

It was a no win situation for all of these women, but it was better than it had any right to be.

62 out of 100

Michael: Poor Divas. This is the killer spot for anyone.

The ones who can wrestle made as much as they could out of their time. The ones who can’t – and we shall name no names – did as little as expected. Lucky for the former, a revolution was about to show up on RAW.

DDT: Didn’t pay attention as I really didn’t care; they made AJ look like shit for months now, never realizing that they made the rest of their Diva roster look like shit as well. Oh yeah, and the fucking Undertaker lost the match before. This match was dead on arrival. Which is a shame because, for a Divas match, it wasn’t half-bad.

RATING: Two Black Widows out of Five.

AJ Lee Over Everyone Else Following The Black Widow.

Segment 9 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Randy Orton (c) vs. Batista vs. Daniel Bryan

Wrestlemania Records: 
Daniel Bryan 3-1
Randy Orton 4-7
Batista 3-3

DDT: This match was an overbooked mess and I loved it. There’s really nothing else to say; the “Chosen Two” kept trying to keep Daniel Bryan out of this match, only for him to keep coming back and making his presence felt. When it looked like he was going to win, HHH interfered for all he was worth, only for him, his wife, and even the crooked referee Scott Armstrong to be left flat on their back, limping out of the arena. Batista and Orton did one of the sickest things I’ve ever seen (Batista Bomb into an RKO through a table that, if we are honest about it, Orton took the brunt of) and Daniel had to be carried out on a stretcher…only to come back and fight on. And then, at the end of it all, with Batista, the man who kept reinforcing that he was the last real man of professional wrestling…tapped out to the Yes Lock.

This was pro wrestling defined; hot crowd, insurmountable odds stacked against a hero by evil cheating heels who keep making excuses but know deep down they are not as good as the hero, only for the hero to overcome them all. And to top it all off, they finally found a way to reclaim the Chris Benoit moment of WrestleMania 20. Even down to the confetti celebration and celebrating with family, though in this case it was with sister and niece rather than wife and son.

Our Sad Puppy Is Contractually Obligated To Appear Whenever That Name Is Mentioned.

So Daniel, please; don’t go crazy and engage in a murderous rampage. I don’t think I could take that again.

Cewsh: I’ve reviewed a few Wrestlemanias now, from the old school golden age of Wrestlemania 3, to the closing chapter of the Attitude Era Wrestlemania 17, to the emotional end to the era of Heartbreak at Wrestlemania 26. All of these shows had unbelievable main event that stand out in history, and some of them were technically better matches than this one was, but this is by far my favorite Wrestlemania main event of all time.

This match had everything. It had an injured babyface defying huge odds, it had an evil authority figure pulling out all the stops to screw him over, it had two huge stars also vying for the title, hell, it even had NUMEROUS callbacks to parts of this storyline that are months and months old. Not to mention it had perhaps the most preposterously awesome double team move of all time.

I Call It The KABOMB. Coming Soon To A WWE Video Game Near You.

But more important than all of that, it had the crowd. It had all 75,000 people in the Superdome losing their fucking minds for one man, and cheering him on to victory. And this match came together so amazingly to charge them up and get the maximum reaction out of them, that when they finally exploded for Bryan’s title win, it sounded like nothing i’ve ever heard before.

WWE has put over guys on this stage before, and done it in ways that made them look just as good and dominant. You can look back through history and see that Wrestlemania is the place where Randy Savage, The Ultimate Warrior, Shawn Michaels, Steve Austin, John Cena, and so many others were given their moment to stand at the top, but I would argue that this moment outstrips all of those. No matter where Daniel Bryan goes from here, and no matter whether he leads WWE into a new generation or not, this is a moment that will live on in wrestling history.

95 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Michael: Have we ever seen Triple H so utterly defeated? I mean, he prides himself on being The Cerebral Assassin. He sees beyond the fourth wall, remembers continuity, knows wrestling tricks before they are going to happen, and has spent the last fifteen years outwitting everyone. Every single plan and move Hunter makes is completely countered and defeated by Daniel Bryan on this night, making him look superior to Triple H in every single aspect.

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone put over someone else quite so strongly. Not just a clean victory in the ring, though that never hurts, but so completely and utterly over an entire character carefully built up over more than a decade.

Artie: Batista works this match incredibly sluggishly. Thankfully, Orton and an exhausted Daniel Bryan make up for it by working their asses off. Triple H gets involved in the match because every match involving Triple H needs to be over booked. Amidst this, there’s a nice bit of continuity (in wrestling?) when crooked referee Scott Armstrong is brought in to screw Bryan out of the win, but it doesn’t work because…Bryan. Bryan gets his revenge on Armstrong and the authority with a delicious suicide dive that kills everyone, but him. Batista and Orton hit a Batista bomb/RKO combo that looks awful, but plants the seeds for an Evolution reunion. Bryan gets stretchered out due to overbooking, but he makes it back in the ring and wins. Yay for babyfaces!

The match lost some points with me for ridiculous overbooking, but it also made up some points for callbacks in storyline. Bryan winning via the Yes Lock, instead of his knee finisher was so reminiscent of the ending to Wrestlemania XX that I can’t see it being unintentional. Being there live was amazing and I am glad that I got to experience such a great moment in person.

Grade: A-. The moment of Bryan was brilliant and a great payoff to this way-too-long feud. 

Long live the new king.

Daniel Bryan Over Everyone Else Following The Busaiku Knee Kick.

————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I’m having a difficult time thinking of this as anything short of the best Wrestlemania of all time. That lofty status is usually afforded to Wrestlemania 17, or a few others from around that time period, but I think it would be a struggle for any other show to go against this one match for match and compare to it.

Just try and imagine what it would be like if the Undertaker’s match had been up his usual quality. It’s a scary thought.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 81.2 out of 100

Michael’s Musings:

Michael: So, what was that I was saying about the WWE needing to step up a gear back in January? Well, low and behold, they did, and the upshot is one of the finest WrestleManias in years. A show with no real weak spots, and some proper historical moments (Daniel Bryans moment, The Streak ending), it felt like a WrestleMania. When the chips were down, Daniel Bryan got to outwit and outfight everyone in front of him, out Super Cena if you will, and won the belt.

You know what this means, Cewsh?

Cewsh: What’s that?

Michael: Well, everyone was running about like headless chickens, yet everything has gone down exactly as we predicted way back in August.

Cewsh: Ill be damned, it actually did.

Michael: We were entirely correct. Has that ever happened before?

Artie’s Aftermath: 

Artie: Damn good show, top to bottom. I struggle to think of a Mania this good since Mania 24, my all-time favorite. There were so many good moments between The Shield winning, Cesaro winning, the streak dying, and Daniel Bryan winning everything ever that I couldn’t help, but just gush over this show. This will definitely go down as one of the all-time must-see Wrestlemanias and being there live was an amazing experience all its own.

Artie’s Final Grade: A

DDT’s Declaration: 

DDT: This was just an absolutely amazing show from start to finish; easily one of the best WrestleMania’s in recent memory, though I’m not quite sure if I’d call it one of the best ever. The six-man, while fun, felt out of place, and some of the matches just went on too long (Undertaker/Lesnar especially). However, that doesn’t change the fact that WWE did a hell of a job this show. Considering I went in with my expectations incredibly low, I think that’s saying something.

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