Cewsh Reviews: Wrestlemania XXV

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WRESTLEMANIA XXV

 

Welcome cats and kittens to the biggest show of the year, on the grandest stage of them all, Wrestlemania. This show marks the 25th, (yes, we know it’s really the 24th,) anniversary of the biggest show in the industry, and we couldn’t be happier to be here covering it. The excitement is palpable here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters, not only for the show of shows, but also to reunite the entire team. That’s right, we’ve got Ms.Cewsh, Vice, and, of course, your motherfucking Cewsh together again for this one. We could never have gotten so far without the support and help from so many of you readers, so keep reading, and keep responding.

Alright, enough with the sappy shit, let’s do a fucking Wrestlemania review.

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: It sucked.

HA.

No but really, WWE is amazing at these. Were you expecting anything but greatness for the biggest show of the year? Going with the “25th Anniversary” theme, most of the wrestlers on the show talk about their favorite Wrestlemania moments and make bold statements about making history this year. Am I excited?

Oh hell yeah.

Vice: It’s the 24th anniversary, you fucking assholes. Oh wait, 25th anniversary sounds better than 24th anniversary? Well then don’t bill it as an anniversary. Better to do nothing than do it wrong, right?

Segment 2 – America The Cute-In-A-Mousy-Kind-Of-Way.

Cewsh: Nicole Scherzingylingylamadamadingdong sings the National Anthem, interspliced with patriotic images. It’s nice, her ass is nice, and the set is very nice indeed with huge monitors making every video seem enormous and impressive. Yep, the nice is flowing freely.

Segment 3 – Money In The Bank Ladder Match – Number One Contendership For Any WWE Championship – (Candy) Kane vs. Mark (Enough Love Handles To Have A Relationship By Himself) Henry vs. Fit (Not The Attractive Way) Finlay vs. CM (Cock Monocle) Punk vs. Shelton (My Shorts Have A Huge Black Cock On Them) Benjamin vs. Kofi (Bum Fights!) Kingston vs. (Vickie Guerrero’s Brother-in-Law) Christian vs. M (Massochistic) V (Vindictive) P (Pineapple).

Cewsh Notes:

– What an odd collection of guys in this match. No idea who is going to win, but I am severely pulling for either Christian or Punk.

– 6 ladders? Fuck’s sake, somebody is going to die tonight.

– Kofi Kingston is so slim and crazy looking that he honestly reminds me of a hobo. If he got a big Kimbo Slice beard, that could totally be his new gimmick. It could totally explain his unreal jumping abilities. Just say that someone in the catwalk has a ham sandwich. Then say Triple H ate the sandwich. BOOM, next Wrestlemania is booked.

– Kane sets the set on fire, just like he does every year. I ALWAYS love that visual.

– Ahahahaha, “parting the steel seas”. What an amazing spot.

– “Kane only needs one ring.” – JR. Kane is now SAURON.

– Shelton Benjamin does a Swanton that would make Jeff Hardy piss his pants to try. Jesus Christ, what a move.

– Kofi climbs Mt. Henry. Unsuccessfully.

– Apparently people in the crowd are of the opinion that the participants in a particular spot did not execute it to the best of their abilities. Quite crudely I believe. Allow me to be crude in solemn return. If you chant “You fucked up” at wrestlers when they accidentally botch dangerous moves, you deserve to get deep rooted, dangerously organic ass cancer. That is all.

– The entire portion of the match with the ladder intersecting the other ladder was unbelievable. Just innovative spot after innovative spot. It would have been even better if Benjamin and MVP had been on the same page with their big move, but it was great nonetheless.

– Go Christian!

– FUCK YOU KANE!

– YES! YES! GO!

– What a finish. Fabulous, fabulous stuff.

And that’s about all there is to say. It was an absolutely fantastic start to the show, with some insane, legitimately innovative offense. I haven’t ever been let down by one of these matches, and they certainly don’t start here. Whew.

80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: I freaking love ladder matches, the spottier, the better. So yeah, MITB is my match of the night before it’s even started. Everyone one comes out looking varying shades of awesome, excepting maybe Finlay. He is wearing half of Mad Max’s jacket. What is it with Wrestlemanias and the Road Warrior? The only ones that don’t work here: Henry and Kane. I’m sorry; Mark Henry’s fat ass cannot climb out of bed without help, much less run up a ladder. I know they always put monsters in for one awesome spot where they dump half the roster on their ass, (which was neat this year,) but I wish they wouldn’t. Also, MVP is a face now, yes? Then why do they still call him by his ultra-cocky heel name?! It’s like Matt Hardy’s music, it no longer fits the character.

The match itself is great with fabulous spots that had me on the edge of my seat. Benjamin gets another WM moment or two, something he desperately needs. He worked his ASS off in this match and looked fabulous doing it. If Christian hadn’t run circles around everyone, this would’ve been his match. Of course Christian can and did. C’est la vie. Also, because Finlay is in the match, Hornswaggle had to have a little moment of his own. I really wish he’d get fired, because I hate the character, but he and Finlay do play off each other well. It was almost sweet, in a creepy flying midget way.

The finish was just a smidge of a letdown, because I’d let myself root too hard for Christian. Oh well, if it couldn’t happen for him, Punk is almost as awesome.

6 out of 5 sleeping kitties.

Vice Notes:

– I really like Kofi.

– Finlay is awesome. I am saddened to see Hornswoggle so goddamned soon. I’d be happy if I never had to see him again.

– Kingston jumping over the ladder was incredible. What the fuck.

– Shelton dies. Vice smiles.

– Kingston is Jackie Chan. Only black. The man is ridiculous. I love him.

– I totally forgot Christian was in the match.

– Benjamin runs up 3 ladders. Ridiculous. Benjamin botches. Not ridiculous. MVP dies.

– PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNK!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck yes!

There’s no denying that this match was fucking fun as hell and I really enjoyed it. The problem with having this match every year is that they need new spots every year. All the new spots seemed like they were out of a Jackie Chan movie. They were fucking cool, but all sorts of contrived. Oh well. I enjoyed it. And PUUUUUUUUNK! As much as I love Punk, I’d like it if he cashed it in and lost. That’s my biggest problem with MITB. Everyone who cashes it in wins. If people lost, then the wins would mean more. And when the champ is down and you hear Mr. MITB’s music play, it’d add more suspense. What am I saying? PUNK.

CM Punk Over the New York Knicks After Collecting The Briefcase.
Segment 4 – Wrestlemania Axxcess? More Like Wrestlemania FATCESS.


Cewsh
: Because WWE fans are fat, get it? Yeah.

Segment 5 – For Fuck’s Sake: Starring Kid Rock.


Cewsh
: Kid Rock comes out and sings a little ditty. And then another. And then another. AND THEN ANOTHER. Throughout wrestling history, promotions have thought that adding musical concerts to their shows is a great idea. Generally it is not, and it turns the fans off because they didn’t pay money to come and see a Kid Rock concert. As Verne Gagne might say, in between body slamming your grandpa, “It says wrestling on the marquee.” There is a moment that sticks out here, during the first song where Kid Rock is singing the chorus to his song “Bawitdaba” and he holds out his mic to the crowd to let them sing the chorus in typical concert fashion. And he is met with definitive and absolute silence. Terribly embarrassing.

Now, the fans seemed to get into the concert a little as time went on, the Divas came out, and it was clear filler. I’m not best pleased that they allegedly cut the Tag Titles match in order to give this more time, as these things don’t work. This is likely going to be reflected upon as the weakest part of the show, by far.

Of course WWE probably got Scrooge McDuck-like sacks of money out of this, so I’m sure they could care less whether I liked it or not.

Ms. Cewsh: I don’t hate Kid Rock as much as I should, but holy fucking crap that shit was WAY too long.

Vice: Are you fucking serious?

Jesus fucking Christ. And he’s playing the song that got him famous like 25 years ago? Oh my god. When he doesn’t sing that part of the chorus and there is absolute silence because the crowd doesn’t give a fuck.. oh man. Ahahahahhahahahahhahahahaha. Fuck off, Kid Rock. I dislike him quite a bit. Not poke-fun-at-him dislike. Legitimate dislike.

Segment 6 – 25 Diva Battle Royal. Winner Is Crowned Miss Wrestlemania.

Ms. Cewsh: The match starts with 25 Divas in the ring. The announcers don’t even know who’s who, so what the hell chance do we have? I’m extremely pleased to see that May Young and Candace are “special time keepers” and not in this farce. Not because I like either of them, but because their involvement elevates it from farce to circus. Also we appear to have a drag queen in the middle of the ring. Who could it be?!?!

Layla is eliminated by the Guardians.
Rosa Mendez is eliminated by Sable.

Sunny is eliminated by Awesome Kong.

Torrie is eliminated by the Puppy.

Jackie Gayda is eliminated by Irrelevancy.

Maria is eliminated by Victoria.

Gail (Bella twin #3) is eliminated by Jillian Hall.

Jillian eliminates Herself.

Chick in purple (Eve?) is eliminated by Lita.

Tiffany (we have a Tiffany?) is eliminated by Bad Fashion.

Kelly Kelly is eliminated by Beth.

Molly Holly is eliminated by Natalya.

Natalya is eliminated by Trish Stratus.

Maryse is eliminated by Beth.

Katie Lea is eliminated by Beth.

Victoria is eliminated by the Bellas.

The Bellas are eliminated by Beth.

Michelle McCool is eliminated by Mickey James.

Mickey James is eliminated by Michelle McCool.

Final 3: Beth Phoenix, Melina, Mysterious Drag Queen.

Melina is eliminated by Beth.

Beth is eliminated by the Mysterious Drag Queen.

Your new and first Miss Wrestlemania is… Santina Morella, Santino’s twin sister from Italy!

Vice: Godfuckingchristshitinagoddamnbucket.

Who are these people? This match is a goddamned joke. Is that Santino?

Sunny is in this match. I have no clue where she is. Neither does Lawler. Molly was in this?

What a fucking terrible match. No one had a proper introduction and there were hardly any close-ups. I seriously had no idea who anyone was in that match. Just awful. But wait! Santino in DRAG! Err.. SantinA! LOL! I really hate to say this, but I feel fucking terrible for the divas. Yeah it’s fun to trash them, but they are a division, and they could have actually done something nice to reward them. But no. They have them all come out looking like hookers during a Kid Rock concert, don’t announce any names, don’t zoom in on anyone, and a midcard comedy act MALE wins it just to have a “funny” moment. Very insulting to the divas. I FEEL BAD FOR THE DIVAS. That’s how bad this was. I have not read the forums yet, but I’m going to guess that everyone spat their beverages out for Santino’s dance at the end. Because-a he’s-a really-a funny-a because-a he-a talks-a like-a-this-a! “But this win creates more storyline mumbo jumbo for Santino and Beth so it’s FINE and was AWESOME!”. No. Fuck you. Do it on RAW.

Ms. Cewsh: Awful. Absolutely awful. Why did we even bother bringing women back for this match? The final seven were all active roster. No one, not even the returning stars, was announced. I’m missing two Divas in the list, but no one HAS a list of who was in this match. The announcers had no idea what was going on. When Gail was eliminated, they actually said she was one of the Bellas. It was a mess.

1 ½ kitties out of 5, just for Santino being a funny fuck.

Cewsh: ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzz…huh wha? Match? Something?

2 out of 100. (99 points for Sunny. -97 points for not even fucking getting to see her.)

Segment 7 – Chris (Canadian Christ) Jericho vs. Jimmy (Superdry. Skin, that is.) Snuka, Ricky (The Dragon. Warrior Games Are Overrated.) Steamboat, and (Dowdy) Roddy Piper w/ Ric (I’d Like To Solve The Puzzle With A “K”, Finally, After 30 Years) Flair.

Cewsh: The hype video for this match is crazy intense. WWE deserves a ton of credit for salvaging a white hot feud out of the mess of the Rourke situation, with him electing to have a match and then pulling out abruptly. Maybe it was all a work from the start, I don’t know, but this feud has been fantastic in spite of (or perhaps thanks to) the obstacles they had to overcome to make it work. Regardless of how this match turns out, this night caps a masterful year for Jericho. He may well have sealed his place as an all time great, instead of just being a well liked guy who was, ultimately, overrated.

Jericho comes out, looking like his pimpish self, and I’m hyped for this confrontation. …and then the Legends make their entrance. Here, chronicled just for you, are my first 3 thoughts, in order:

1. “Fuck! Steamboat looks fantastic! He might actually be able to wrestle still!”

2. “Fuck! Jimmy Snuka looks like he is about to keel over dead!”

3. “Fuck! Piper, dude. Doesn’t cancer make you skinny?”

Now these aren’t particularly nice things to think, but I thought them nonetheless. Luckily for me, I can’t even get the attention of Egotistico Fantastico’s worthless ass, much less Piper’s. And it is lucky. Because cancer, gut, and all, he’d still beat the ever loving shit out of me and I know it.

Then the match itself begins. And it isn’t great. Piper is Piper, and doesn’t need to do much to set the crowd on fire, but when Snuka gets an extended in ring segment, it’s absolutely nachoshit awful. I know he’s old, and he’s doing his best, but the man looks like a Jewish grandmother wrapped in a tiger patterned rug in the ring, beating the shit out of a spry man in the prime of his life. It didn’t work for me; especially with the sheer dominance Jericho had exerted over them all prior to the match.

JIMMY SNUKA IS ELIMINATED VIA THE WALLS OF JERICHO.

Now things heat up a bit. Steamboat is in the ring, and he’s really moving. He’s flying around, hitting his signature moves, and just generally making the other legends look like the washed up has beens that they kind of are at this point. Unfortunately, Piper wanders in just long enough for…

PIPER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED VIA A RUNNING ENZIGUIRI.

And now, against all logic and probability, Jericho and Steamboat throw down and begin to actually have a good match. I enjoyed every second of watching Steamboat bump and fly like he did when I was a kid, and he kept pace with Jericho so well that it almost seemed like they turned off the slow motion button on the match. Now, it wasn’t perfect. Jericho seemed at a loss as to how to wrestle a match at the Legend’s pace, and it made a lot of stuff look awkward. Jericho still isn’t a top level seller and bumper as a heel, and it really tends to hurt him in matches like this where he has to sell a beating. At any rate, nostalgia alone pushed this match forward, and it was a lot of fun to watch.

Welcome back, Dragon. Thanks for new memories to go along with the old.

72 out of 100.

Vice: What the fuck dude. Steamboat is amazing. Maybe he just looks amazing because he can actually walk, unlike Snuka and Piper. But fucking hell. Steamboat was on FIRE. He’s better than 90% of the roster. So.. if Steamboat is fucking amazing, and the other two aren’t.. why include them? It seriously should have just been Jericho vs. Steamboat. It could have made a lot more sense and have been a much better match. Still though, it was great once the dead weight was cleared out. Steamboat was seriously incredible and totally blew me away with his performance. I went in thinking that he was going to be wrestling at 50% and it was going to be a sad sight to see, but the dude was at 397174%. FUCK. Give him the title.

Ms. Cewsh: I don’t like this feud. I feel like I’ve seen it before, with someone else. What did they call him…hmm. The Legend Cuddler? No…the Legend Kisser? Closer, but still no…I’ve got it! The Legend Kicker!

Also, the guys assembled seem incredibly random. Has Steamboat ever tried for one last run in the big promotions? No? Then why is he here? I can see the point that Piper and Flair have hung around too long, but I’ve only seen Snuka in that one tag match at Vengeance. (I’ve been told that he is the king of “one last run”s, but I’ve been watching for five years now. How long does WWE expect us to remember?)

The legends don’t look good, especially Snuka. He looks fragile and his hair is outrageous. I was going to make a joke about their outfits, but Lillian decided to wear a roll of tin foil out, so she wins this round.

There’s a match. It’s no good. Steamboat is more than OK in ring. Snuka is not. Piper is Piper. Jericho is…well…um…he’s not meant to be the focus. This match is “look, Ricky Steamboat can still wrestle!” and Jericho never really pops out of the background. He’s also moving in slow motion in an attempt to make the legends look better, but he really just makes everyone look worse by holding back.

This is something Cewsh doesn’t understand or agree with. Near falls suck. They suck and are lame and matches that rely heavily on them should feel bad. I’m not talking about the occasional two count, I’m talking about a match that has a dozen two and three quarter counts right on top of each other. Instead of putting me on the edge of my seat, like, “OMG, will the next one be it?!, it kills any momentum the near fall-ee had. Every near fall makes me care a little less about the actual pin.

In case you missed it, this match suffers HEAVILY from this problem. Between this and the post-match shenanigans (more on that below)…

½ a kitty out of 5.

Ricky Steamboat Is Eliminated Via the Code Breaker.

Cewsh: Post match, Jericho beats Flair down and calls out Mickey Rourke. Rourke takes the bait and climbs into the ring to a deafening roar from the crowd. This is tense. Or better to say that it starts off tense and kind of keeps right on going into Impatience Town. Rourke knocks the shit out of Jericho with a left hook (he boxed professionally for a short time), and provides pretty much the definitive moment for this Wrestlemania. Rourke throws a punch, knocks out the bad guy, and walks out with his hand raised by the Nature Boy. Woooooo!

Ms.Cewsh: Flair gets his ass kicked. Ho hum. Jericho calls out Mickey Rourch. Ho hum. Rourch accepts. Ho hum. He takes an hour to get undressed and into the ring. I’m pulling my hair out with impatience. We’re 75 minutes into this show, and we’ve had one great match, two shit matches, a filler concert, and way too much worthless crap. Couldn’t we have skipped all this bull and given MITB more time? Or maybe, THE TAG MATCH THEY CUT SO KID ROCK COULD DO 7 MORE SONGS?!

Rourke knocks Jericho out with one punch. Again, it could just be me, but doesn’t that make the guys he JUST wrestled and beat look like a bunch of scrubs? This show is maddening.

Vice: Rourke merking Jericho was a good, fun moment. But still, it’s a movie star that will be gone in 15 minutes knocking out a wrestler who will continue to be around. Does this make sense in the context of the feud? I don’t know. And yeah, sue me for not being a huge fan of celebrities in wrestling.

Segment 8 – The National Guard vs. Storm From The X-Men.

Ms. Cewsh: DID I JUST SEE A MOTHERFUCKING COMMERCIAL ON MY FUCKING $60 PAY-PER-VIEW? FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING NATIONAL GUARD, OF ALL THINGS?! RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!

Segment 9 – Extreme Rules – Jeff (Everyday Is Halloween) Hardy vs. Matt (Kickpads Make Me Badass To The Core) Hardy.

Cewsh: Best video package of the year. No competition.

Ms. Cewsh: So Edge stole Matt’s girlfriend and Matt is now retaliating by stealing Edge’s style?

Cewsh and I had a lovely little time making up what they were yelling at each other before the match started.

Matt: No man, I totally look more ridiculous!
Jeff
: Dude, do you see my facepaint?

Matt: I have kickpads! How often do I get my tubby ass into a kick?

Etc.

I’m really enjoying this feud. In fact, between this and Triple H/Orton, I think we should bring personal lives into every storyline. Real passion es muy bueno. The match was an excellent little hardcore fest. The items they incorporated were pretty funny. A wet/dry vac and a single crutch? OK!

I usually find Matt to be a little bland, but he was on fire in this match. He looked sick and like an honest threat. Jeff took the typical Jeff risks and looked spectacular doing it. I tried to keep a counter of the number of times something he did hurt himself more than his opponent, but it exploded after the double tables. Seriously, two tables?! Then, because it’s the Hardys and we can’t leave with limbs left unbroken, Jeff got the ladders. Between those and Matt’s Twist of Fate with the chair, I died and went to entertainment heaven.

4 kitties out of 5.

Vice: Matt’s looks is pretty awesome. Could use some new theme music, but it’s all good. I like his attire. Why does he have keys on his thighs though? He’s still ugly and fat. Jeff looks like an absolute muppet as usual. Jeff goes for a trash can shot, but Matt counters. When will wrestlers learn that whenever you lift an object completely over your head, your opponent will counter with a kick to the gut?

Also, Jeff lays Matt out with a nasty chairshot that was similar to the initial Matt heel turn. I do not approve of that. That should be the redemption shot. Something he should win a match with. Not some random spot in a match.

Amazingly ridiculous ending. What a fucking move. I still think this match should have been a regular match though. These “I HATE YOU!!” feuds tend to go 0-60 in 3.2 seconds. Whatever happened to a good ol’ brutal, hate-filled match within a controlled environment? Then again, it is Jeff Hardy at Wrestlemania—of course he’s going to have a ladder with him.

The match was good and enjoyable, and I liked it. Probably wouldn’t watch it again, but both Matt and Jeff went into the match with a lot to prove, both in the context of the feud and in real life. If Vince wasn’t high on Matt before this, he should be now.

Cewsh: Matt Hardy has a new look here, and I think it’s awesome. It’s a complete departure from the usual Matt Hardy look, which is absolutely necessary in order to make the fans see him as the heel he wants to be. Some new music and a goddamn haircut would drive the point home further, but that seems about as likely as him laying off the triple cheeseburgers at Wendy’s.

Anyway, this match explodes out of the gate. No pansy tie up, no dancing around, and no chain wrestling here. These two are supposed to hate each other, and they do, and they show it with the sheer viciousness of every move performed here. These aren’t the kind of guys who do bloody brawls and thumbtacks. These guys are daredevils, high flying crazy bastards, not Butchers of Necros. Right off the blocks, Jeff smashes a framed poster over Matt’s head, followed by a cringe worthy chairshot by Matt to the back of Jeff’s knee. These guys just go absolutely bananas, trying to one up each other in the crazy son of a bitch competition. Then, naturally, a WetVac and some crutches get involved. Hmm. WetVac’s suck. A cripple uses crutches. Cripple rhymes with Triple. OH MY GOD! They’re secretly telling me that Triple H sucks! Conspiracy!

All joking aside, I loved this match. It was heated and violent and was what a feud this heated needed. Shit, this match was fucking absurd. These two murdered each other, and I honestly have never seen anything like it. Even with a ladder match on the same show, they still had me cringing and gasping with every new twist they came up with. This match was all spotfest, no doubt about that. But this feud demanded in insane spotfest from these two people, and they gave a lesson on how to do one that should be followed for years to come.

85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Matt Hardy over Jeff Hardy Via A Twist Of Fate In A Chair.
Segment 10 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – J (Please Retire) B (Please Retire) L (Please Retire) © vs. Rey (Please Retire JBL) Mysterio (Please Retire JBL).

Vice: JBL is awesome.

Rey? Ahahahha. I’ve never seen a worse wrestling costume in my life. Seriously. This was my reaction:

Envious Vice: Ahahahhahahahhahgashfkjahfjhjakhskjahfskafhskafsafa
Envious Vice: SHFKJASKJNKJCNAJKSNAJHFKZf
Envious Vice: FSHKJACNKJSNCAS
Envious Vice: FJHKJDASfa
Envious Vice: sFJKFJKLC
Envious Vice: aagahahghgahga
Envious Vice: ha
Envious Vice: hahhahah
Envious Vice: aah
Envious Vice: ahahhahahahahahhahfashfsaj’a
Envious Vice: safasfhskjanckjancsajfhjaslkfafa
Envious Vice: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHhaHHAhahahHAa
Envious Vice: HKSFJLSKANCLKAHHFHFHFAFA
Envious Vice: WHAT THE FUCK
Envious Vice: FHJSKJFDLKSAFH
Envious Vice: FHAKFJLSKAf
Envious Vice: CJKCJIHDFAN
Envious Vice: OHMYGOD
Envious Vice: JKSLALAFJI
Envious Vice: HOLY
Envious Vice: FHFHSKJAA
Envious Vice: SHIT
Envious Vice: hahahahhahahdahdaha
Envious Vice: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

I’d love to say that that sums it all up, but it doesn’t.

What a short match. And here I was, thinking that something good might actually come from this match. Why did the match not start when JBL kicked Mysterio in the skull? I seem to recall like 3,000 matches where one wrestler attacks the other before the bell rings and.. what? The bell rings 2 seconds later? :O

I don’t know what to think of it all. Whatever.

Ms. Cewsh: I hope that JBL’s news is that he has incurable ass cancer.

OHHOLYFUCKINGCOCKLICKINGBALLS, WTF?! Ahem, sorry. Rey is dressed as Heath Ledger’s Joker. You can pretend it’s just the Joker, but it’s very obviously Heath Ledger. Don’t believe me? JR makes a dead Heath Ledger joke. Yeah, that’s not in poor taste. I’m clearly in bizarro world. Anyway, how well do you think that costume is going to hold up to age and repeated watchings?

Match gets 5 kitties. Awesome.

Cewsh: I braced myself for Mysterio to have another one of his wacky Wrestlemania outfits this year. He’s been Daredevil, a peacock, a giant Mexican flag, and others, but I always felt like those were pretty much within reason. Even the huge peacock hat I chalked up to being cultural, and kind of cool. But tonight. Oh Mr. Mysterio you have outdone yourself tonight. The challenger for the Intercontinental title emerges from beneath the ramp wearing a Joker costume from Batman. Not just any Joker costume either. Heath Ledger’s Joker from the Dark Knight. Except that for some reason unknown, someone decided also to glue a spare Doink the Clown green wig to the top of his mask. I purely don’t even know what to make of the sight. The carved red smile on the mask, the dyed green stubble of Rey’s exposed hair, the neon green suspenders. I…I…I…

To Rey’s credit, he completely hams it up all the way to the ring, and has a ton of fun with it, passing out Joker playing cards to the kids wearing Mysterio masks, and I respect him for just not giving a fuck what people think and having a good time. But yeah. The floppy wig? Miscalculation.

Then we get a match. Sort of. JBL talks for awhile about how he is going to provide the most dominating win in Wrestlemania history. Wanna take bets on how that one works out?

100 out of 100. (Actually 62 out of 100.)

Rey Mysterio over JBL Via The 619.

Cewsh: Post match, JBL announces that he quits.

Wait? Did my yearning ears hear those magical words at last? Those oft dreamed of, ever prayed for words that have eluded me for so long? Oh he is real! Santa is real, and he gave me the greatest gift of all! He waited until April for some reason, but he brought it all the same! Oh thank you, Santa! Thank you!

I respect JBL’s talent, and his contributions to the company, but he’s done and its very obvious. Iwish him well in whatever his next position is.

Segment 11 – Shawn (Angel) Michaels vs. The Under (Demon) Taker.

Vice: This whole feud was kind of blah to me. They really could have started it off better. The whole “I’m going to fight to challenge the Undertaker!” and then have all the cheesy shit leading up to the match just made it all seem tacked on, and very, very forced. Had they not gone down the Michaels/JBL/Koslov route and instead had Taker and Michaels dicking with each other for a long time which resulted in the hijinks and tomfoolery.. that’d be dandy. Or if Shawn had to fight for the right to challenge, and then there was no tomfoolery—just a giant fucking match with titans clashing, that’d be cool too. Can’t do both though.

Shawn’s entrance was ridiculous. Answer me this, people.. when Undertaker does his entrance, and he takes the hat off to reveal his rolled back eyes… why has no one attacked him when he obviously can’t see? Seriously. Shawn should have just kicked him in the snout when he was snarling. PSYCHOLOGY.

Michaels’ missed moonsault was just.. fuck me sideways. OOF. Undertaker dives and… I’m speechless. I’m so glad to see his arms moving. That was one of the most awful looking crash landings I have ever seen in my life. FUCK. I figured Taker would make his way back into the ring, and they’d end the match like 20 seconds later so Taker didn’t die.. but they just continued on as planned. Truly remarkable performance from Taker, DIVING ON HIS FACE and then wrestling a ¾ of a goddamned match. Skinning the cat into a tombstone piledriver was incredible. As was Shawn kicking out. I totally thought it was over. I don’t recall anyone kicking out of the tombstone when Taker is doing his trademark pin.

What a fucking match. Slightly tainted by Taker standing there waiting to catch him. He didn’t even look that wobbly. Just waiting. I’m only nitpicking because when I looked at Taker standing there, my very first thought was “they’re not going to go for a moonsault into a tombstone, are they…?” and then BAM. Awesome moment, but I probably would have knocked my desk over trying to jump out of my chair if I didn’t see it coming. What an amazing match, though. I loved it. It really had everything. Totally could have done without the wacky build-up though, since it didn’t really have anything at all to do with the match and how it played out. It’s incredible—Michaels and Taker are old bastards, but they’re probably better than they’ve ever been. Michaels maybe, Taker definitely. Every time I see Taker, I’m impressed more and more. He’s wrestling like a 100 year veteran in a 20 year old’s body. Truly remarkable.

Amazing match and I’m glad Undertaker came out on top. And again, there were a few times when I truly thought Michaels was going to pull it out. Hopefully Undertaker is fine after that nasty bump.

Ms. Cewsh: Michaels is a God and it’s high time we all acknowledged it. Awesome entrances all around. I must ask though, do angels do crotch chops?

As for the match? Well see, here’s where I’m going to lose you. I didn’t like it. It didn’t suck, but it wasn’t OMG GREATEST MATCH EVAR! 5 STARS! CLOSE SHOP, EVERYONE GO HOME, WRESTLING HAS BEEN WON!

It had its moments. People will be showing Taker diving into the camera guy for the rest of eternity. (Poor camera.😦 ) Unfortunately, neither guy is at their best anymore. They pulled a good match out of each other, a far better than I’d expected match, but it wasn’t the greatest. It suffered from the same rant that the Jericho match suffered from: all of its momentum was killed by too many near falls. You may disagree. Cewsh does.

I don’t feel like Michaels ever recovered from the Last Ride, making the end feel way too drawn out. Going in, I really felt Michaels was the underdog because of the streak. Sure, he started out the match dominantly, but the beating he took after the Last Ride and first Tombstone was so thorough that it made me feel like the end was inevitable and I just wanted it to hurry up and come.

Taker’s 17-0 graphic was pretty hardcore.

The match was going to get a 3 ½ for a solid, entertaining, and better than anticipated match. It gets a 2 out of 5 for sucking all the energy out with 8 near falls.

Cewsh: This is a hair verses hair match. They both already lost.

Sometimes as a wrestling fan, it becomes necessary to determine what kind of fan you are. Do you mark out for spotfests and gimmick matches? Do you sigh yourself to sleep at night dreaming of the days of brawling and rollups of the old NWA? Perhaps you enjoy a fast paced Crusierweight match? Do you get funny feelings in your secret places when the Sandman hits someone with a cane, or when Mick Foley hauls out the implements of death? All of these are equal, understandable, and make up the tapestry of the wrestling business that we all know and love. But some of those are more personal to each individual than others.

And none of them describe me.

No, I have a different need. A deep held insatiable desire for matches where the near falls flow like wine, and the finishers come sudden and often. I need long matches between top stars embroiled in heated feuds, and I need the matches to drip with every single drop of “epic” that can be wrung from them. I know that that style, WWE style as it is known in some circles, is considered to be very hit or miss with my compatriots in the internet wrestling community. Hell, the very idea of this kind of match drives Ms. Cewsh into a frothing rage that only alcohol and soothing words can relieve. But that doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that when I get a match like that, when I get an event like that, for a brief time, in the corner of my mind where a mark still lives and breathes, something wakes up and takes over. I cheer, I boo, I sweat, I cry, I laugh, I live. It’s so rare as to be almost an unknowable event. But it does exist.

Wouldn’t it be a huge downer if this match wasn’t an example of what I described above? Well don’t worry. It is. The match starts off with fantastic entrances by both men, with Taker rising up from under the stage wearing his trademark black, and Michaels descending from the ceiling in white and gold. Then are entirely willing to beat you over the head with the “Angel vs. Demon” concept, but I have no issue with it. Then, after the bell rings, Michaels just takes it straight to the Undertaker. I was caught entirely off guard by how much of an advantage Michaels was able to get on Taker early on. Amazingly, somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere a clock tolled the Equinox and JR awoke from his slumber to actually give insight into a match for the first time tonight. JR goes into detail about how Taker has never beaten Michaels, and how Michaels seems to have Taker’s number. It’s really compelling stuff, as they lay the ground work to convince you, definitively, that Shawn Michaels could indeed beat the Undertaker tonight. Not only could, but would. That’s a big lump to swallow, so it takes one helluva great story to convince anyone of that anymore.

As the match progresses, Michaels and Taker seem to strike just the right balance between exhausted but determined, and desperate but with a plan. The chemistry these two exhibit is off the charts, and the Undertaker seems absolutely electrified to be working against such a smaller, more agile opponent for a change, as he goes bumping all over the place, and actually gets to play the dominant big man for large portions of this match, a concept entirely dreamlike to Taker sometimes. Taker even makes his traditional leap over the top rope to the outside, thought Michaels has the wherewithal to pull a camera guy into Taker who spikes him with a head first drop onto the poor guy’s camera. Fantastic visual.

The ending to this match is a downhill race through false finish country. There were at LEAST 4 times when I was absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that the match was over. I won’t spoil those or anything else for you. Just believe me when I say that they take the epic potential of this match and just tear it to shreds to create something entirely higher and above the best work of both men. These two men work together to create maybe the best match that either has ever had at the event that defines them as performers. Do you need a more stirring endorsement than that? Because I don’t know one to offer. This match, is what he word “awesome” was invented for. If you haven’t already seen for yourself, then you’re wasting your time. Go walk your grandmother and call your poor old dog, and then settle in for what really matters.


95 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

The Undertaker over Shawn Michaels Via A Tombstone Piledriver.
Segment 12 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Edge (Cewsh Sounds Better) (c) vs. The Big (OVERCOMPENSATING) Show vs. John (Insert Eminem Joke Here.) Cena.


Cewsh
: I’m not going to lie. I love John Cena.

I love to watch his matches, I enjoy his feuds, his promos, hell, even his movies. I just genuinely enjoy John Cena, and find him very entertaining. Now, I’m sure that I will not exactly be counted amongst the majority with that opinion, but there it is all the same. The point of saying this, though, was mainly to put over how much I love that they make his truly important entrances into such a big deal. The Mafia entrance in Chicago, the random spaceship entrance against Edge, the marching band entrance. They’re all awesome. Here, eleventy hundred white guys dressed like John Cena come out to Basic Thugonomics, and stand on either side of the ramp making the “You Can’t See Me” hand motion at each other, as Cena’s real music hits and he sprints down the aisle. Not 100% original, but awesome, memorable, and fun as well. The entrance alone really went a long way to promoting this segment from mere filler to a standout match on its own.

Sadly the match itself had trouble doing the same.

This match. Hmm. Well, it was a triple threat match. One guy was usually incapacitated on the outside, while the other two combatants pounded it out in the ring. There were some fun spots (Double Attitude Adjuster, and Big Show trapped in the ropes are great examples), but the match never quite propelled itself above the filler is was portrayed as in the card. There’s just nothing here that you haven’t seen before. Make no mistake. These guys knew as well as I did that they were just filler for the main event.

76 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh: Cena has crazy wacky entrances. If only Eminem hadn’t already done this one at the 2000 VMAs. Seriously WWE, I’m supposed to remember Jimmy Snuka in the mid-90s, but forget I already saw this in 2000? What do you want from me?!?!

The match was fine. It was absolutely…fine. It might have been a nice main event at another show, but it felt really weak for Mania. I mean, is getting Show up still “OMG super awesome”? Because other than Cena getting him on his shoulders for the attempted double Attitude Adjustment, I can’t tell you another thing that happened in this match.

I hate bland, boring, Marine Cena, [Spoiler]more so as champ, but at least he’ll take the belt back to his own show, and [/Spoiler]leave Edge/Show to blow off to their feud in a way it deserves. Which is not a lame triple threat.

2 ½ kitties out of 5.

Vice: Cena wins the title. Didn’t see that coming.

John Cena over the Big Show Via An Attitude Adjuster.

Segment 13 – Respectable Steve Austin?

Cewsh: The Hall of Fame Class of 2009 comes out to soak up the adulation of the crowd for one last (right) time, and no one gets more love and cheers that one Stone Cold Steve Austin. For a minute I kind of stare in disbelief at Austin in a tuxedo waving quietly and humbly to the crowd. As he turns to leave, I try to reconcile this as the last way we’re likely to ever see him. And then I hear a 4×4 engine whirring.

Yes, true enough, Steve Austin charges the ring on his 4×4, grabs as many beers as he can carry (and more), and starts chugging and posing to the crowd’s incredible approval. There was even one true photo op where Austin hands Jim Ross a beer, and then puts his hat on. Great fan service, and the perfect filler to get the crowd riled up, but not overheated for an intense main event. Thanks for coming Steve. We missed you.

Segment 14 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Triple (Cheeseburger Would Be Great, But Matt Hardy Ate Them All) H (c) vs. Randy (RNN Update: I’m Amazingly Awesome.) Orton.

Vice: I’m not sure what to say about this. I typed absolutely nothing while watching it, and I’ve sat around with it in the back of my mind for a few hours now. Yeah. Can’t say for sure if I loved it or hated it, but it was certainly different. Felt like they look a normal match, chopped it up into 30 pieces and hit “Random”. A lot of it seemed very out of place, but it definitely had its moments.

One of the big problems was that the crowd wasn’t HOT for it. They weren’t bored by it, but they were hotter during other matches of the night. And Mania main events should always be incredibly hot. That’s what makes them so great.

HHH punting Orton was a great moment, even if he slipped and fell over like Maryse. And missed. But it’s all gravy, yo. Orton sold it amazingly well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone sell death as well as Orton. He’s just so good at it. Christopher Daniels was one of the best death sellers for years in my opinion, but Orton shits all over him. His selling against HHH at Royal Rumble.. ’04? is some stunning work, too.

I’m going to watch the match again in a day or three and see if my opinion changes.

Ms. Cewsh: I LOVE this feud. I sincerely hope it doesn’t end here. Seeing Trips win this match (fingers crossed!) is what I bought the show for.

Unfortunately, after the lack-luster show, I had a lot of trouble getting into the match. I really wanted to, and it was MUCH better on repeated viewing, but I was soooooo burnt out. (We started the show at 7. It was 1:30 by the final pin. *weep*)

Despite that, I thought it was a good match. It was fast, brutal, and these two have great chemistry. Orton is just a damn genius. I cannot rave enough about him and the pure evil he brings to the character. His performance got me really emotionally invested in Triple H and his family, going in. What I didn’t like was the DQ rule. Faces don’t generally try to get DQed, just to keep the title. That’s a heel champion move, but Triple H is the underdog face. So why did we have the stipulation? Why was it SUCH a big deal?

3 ½ kitties out of 5.

Cewsh: This is feud of the year, so far. I love Hardy vs. Hardy, but this feud has just taken it to a whole different level. Orton’s achieving levels of evil in his character that I don’t honestly think I’ve seen before in all of my time watching wrestling. There are many people who aren’t fans of this feud. Most of them aren’t fans of Triple H. I’m not going to make any sort of connection there, simply making an observation. The thing that seems to be lost in this feud, so far, is just how drastically it’s going to change the landscape of the WWE following this show. Triple H is openly and officially a McMahon. The entire McMahon family has turned definitively face. Randy Orton is the biggest heel in professional wrestling. This feud, like it or not, is one of the biggest deals in recent history, and it’s coming to a pinnacle here, in the main event of Wrestlemania. Randy Orton’s day has finally dawned.

The story of this match is that Orton secured a stipulation that if Triple H was counted out or disqualified, then Triple H would lose the title to Orton. Therefore, even though Triple H wants to murder Randy Orton, he has to try his best to hold his temper and wrestle a more traditional match to keep Orton from winning the prize he’s sought all along. Triple H does this, but with loads of hesitation, often straying to his desires to punish Orton. That tenuous line between getting the revenge he seeks and keeping Orton from Orton’s goal is the one this match dances on, and it leaves many holes for Orton to exploit throughout. Orton has no moral dilemmas. Orton wants only to beat Triple H and humiliate him.

That said, the match starts off very strangely. There are some punches, the ref pulls Triple H off of Orton, and BANG! Orton hits the RKO. But instead of, I don’t know, WINNING THE TITLE, he sits back and decides that he wants to go for the punt. He misses, BANG! Pedigree. At this point, I’m just sitting here as both guys are knocked out wondering if I’ve somehow been fast forwarded through the match to the end somehow, but no. Both guys spend a few minutes trying to recover from the effects of the finishers, and then Triple H stalks Orton and just lays an ass beating on him. Finally Orton takes over and starts methodically wearing down Triple H in his usual way.

Unfortunately, the opening moments of the match kind of killed the crowd for the rest, and this match suffers as a result. These two tried something unique, with a very different match setup from WWE style, both men being weakened and woozy after being hit by established kill moves right off the bat. I really like that they’re experimenting, and I love a match that gives me different ways to see a familiar style. The crowd, though, was expecting more of a brawl than a story heavy, slower paced match. It definitely hurt the first half of this match. By the time Orton gives the crowd one of his evil looks, though, they’re back in, as Triple H takes Orton to town. Finally he throws him over the rope, raises a tv monitor to hit Orton, but remembers the stipulation and has to let it go. Opting instead to Pedigree Orton through the announce table, it’s reversed (like always), and he takes a short fall onto a table that doesn’t break, and then he gets a huge hangover DDT from Orton to the floor.

By this point the fans are getting rowdy and so am I. Triple H BARELY survives a countout, to take even more of a beating, but the crowd can sense that a comeback is right around the corner. Triple H starts to fire back, only to be shut down and tossed into the ref. REF BUMP. In comes Orton with a sledgehammer to cheat his way to victory and Triple H absolutely drills him with a punt to the head. Who will use the hammer? Will Triple H get disqualified? Will Orton cheat his way to Wrestlemania glory?

WAFO. Watch And Find Out.


82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Triple H over Randy Orton Via A Pedigree.
The Ending:

Vice: I’m not sure what to think about the finish. Obviously it’s great to see the good guy get complete retribution for all the events leading up to the match by FUCKING KILLING Orton, and Orton really shouldn’t have won. It’s also good to see the biggest heel on RAW get FUCKING KILLED to end the biggest show. But it all felt a little underwhelming. Wrestlemania main events usually have those massive holy shit hot finishes and this was just kind of there. It made complete and total sense, but I don’t know if it’s the finish you should end a Wrestlemania with. Maybe Backlash. I dunno.

Ms. Cewsh: Triple H wins the title. Of course he did. He HAD to! Orton destroyed his wife, his father-in-law, his whole family. That’s not the kind of thing you can let the heel win after. Orton’s going to get a rematch, because Trips used the sledgehammer. Good. I’m really hoping Orton will win the title back at Backlash, they keep the feud going, and they trade it back and forth for awhile. Because the whole thing is gold.

Cewsh: The ending. The internet lit itself on fire following Triple H’s win over Orton. Screams from the mouths of so many smarks that it revolved into a collective cyclone of disapproval. I’m not going to preach here about how any of you should feel about this match. Should Orton have won? I don’t know. Was he ever going to? No he wasn’t, and in knowing that, I think that maybe I was simply able to accept what was in front of me without the sky high expectations that others seemed to have. In the end it doesn’t much matter to me, because I got exactly what I wanted. This match was a great brawl between two men who hated each other, with one of them desperate to get the title, and the other desperate to keep it from him, simply out of spite if nothing else. There was emotion, there was intensity, and there were two of the best wrestlers in the industry today going full out.

————————————————————————————
Cewsh’s Condominiums:


Cewsh
: You know, this show seems to be receiving a very great deal of love and hate, mostly hate, from wrestling fans at large. I can certainly see why, as many of these matches seemed to be disappointing for many people, and some of the booking decisions seemed downright bizarre, but at the end of the show, I asked myself, “Self. Did you enjoy yourself?” And you know what? I did. And that’s good. Because I’ll be thinking about it quite a bit after they lock me away for talking to myself. ATTICA!

The pacing of the show was odd. The first half was lightning quick, with a million things happening and million people in every match. Then the second half was just three extremely long matches, with much of anything breaking them up. After Taker/Michaels, I think more time was needed to recover, because that match was exhausting (in a good way). Still though, I’m walking away from this show entirely glad that I paid to see it. I will never ask for more than to feel like I got my money’s worth, and I did.

Besides, love it or hate it, it still beats TNA.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 72.5 out of 100.
Vice’s Ventilation:

Vice: I thought it was a decent show. Leading up to the event, the card didn’t exactly blow me away, but it’s Wrestlemania and they usually don’t disappoint. It’s the show that, no matter how much someone despises wrestling, will be worth watching if only for the spectacle of it all. It certainly didn’t deliver the goods like previous years, but it had big shoes to fill from last year which was one of the best Wrestlemanias I’ve ever seen. A couple shaky decisions here, couple of things that really irritated me, some stuff I loved, STEAMBOAT, some good and bad booking. It had a bit of everything and I’d expect no less.

Vice’s Final Score: 64 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh’s Final Purr:

Ms. Cewsh: Despite what you’ve heard, Cewsh and I differ. I saw two great matches, three good to mediocre matches, and two awful matches. To me, that adds up to a mediocre to bad show. The bad outweighs the good, dragging the whole product down around it. To Cewsh, the good outweighs the bad, elevating the rest of the show. I don’t know which is right, but I do know I can’t, in good conscience, recommend this show. Watch MITB, the Hardys, and maybe Triple H/Orton and Taker/Michaels if you’ve been enjoying the feuds.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 31 sleeping kitties out of 50.

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