TNA Lockdown 2012

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TNA Lockdown 2012

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only blog that has a fully grown Sasquatch on staff, (he types like 75 words per minute,) Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we return to the scene of past crimes against wrestling to review TNA Lockdown 2012. It has been 3 months now since we elected to stop covering TNA’s PPVs on a monthly basis, and now we’re checking back in to see how they’ve been getting on without us. From the looks of things, everything has gotten real interesting in the TNA universe, with Bobby Roode running roughshod over the entire company as TNA champion, Bully Ray lovingly renaming himself Calfzilla, and with the Immortal Hulk Hogan having taken over as the man in charge on television. After alienating us with dreary booking before, will they be able to make us come crawling back begging for forgiveness? Or will we finally have to call things off with TNA permanently? Only one way to find out…

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Regardless of what else you may find yourself expecting this show to do or be, let’s set the record straight right now. This James Storm/Bobby Roode feud has been fantastic. Lucky for us, TNA appears to realize that too, and as such they dedicate the entire hype video for this pay per view to dramatizing the fuck out of this back story. They touch on the betrayal of Roode and what Beer Money meant to both of them, they cover Roode’s rise to bastardish power as the TNA champion and they especially cover that James Storm is from Nashville, which is where this show takes place. Remember that for later, kids. It’s going to be important.

All in all, this video reflects a focus on the main event to the exclusion of all else. I wonder if that will trickle down to the show itself…

Segment 2 – “It’s All My Favorite Wrestlers! And Garrett Bischoff Too, I Guess.”

Cewsh: We kick off the show by going backstage to see a pow-wow between Ken Anderson, AJ Styles, Rob Van Dam, Austin Aries and that one guy…you know who I’m talking about. The one with the greasy hair who thinks he’s a wrestler because his dad runs the company? Gosh, what was his name again?

Anderson: “I’ve Got It, You’re My Plumber, Aren’t You?”

Styles: “Why Do We Always Do These Things Outside At Night With No Clothes On? I’m Freezing My Balls Off.”

Anyway, they’re debating who should be the one of them who starts the Lethal Lockdown match, (as it is under Wargames Rules where one team will be at a disadvantage all the way through the match,) and Garrett Bischoff decides that it should be him. His teammates all look at him like he’s a crazy person and assure him that that might not be such a good idea, since he has all the wrestling skill of a kumquat on a stick. Then he starts poking them and yelling, (prompting Austin Aries to legendarily say “Don’t touch me,”) so they agree to let him do it. If I had to guess I would imagine that they realized that letting the guy go first would result in the maximum possible ass beating to be inflicted on Baby Bisch. I can certainly see how that would be appealing.

Segment 3 – Lethal Lockdown Match – Team Bischoff (Eric Bischoff, Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Frankie Kazarian and Gunner) vs. Team Bischoff (Garrett Bischoff, AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Mr. Anderson and Rob Van Dam)

Cewsh: For those of you who have never seen a Lethal Lockdown match before, the basic idea is this. Two men will start in a wrestling cage match. Every two minutes, one member of either team will come out, and a coin flip beforehand chooses which team gets to have the one man advantage. Once all of the participants are in the ring, the ceiling will drop with weapons hanging from it and pinfalls and submissions will officially start counting. In this particular match, if Eric Bischoff’s team ultimately wins, then Garrett Bischoff will be removed from TNA, (YAY,) and if Garrett’s team wins then Eric will be forced to never use the last name Bischoff ever again, (YA…wait, what? Why would we want that?)

To start things off, we get the dynamic duo of Garrett Bischoff and Gunner, which is a match up that probably sold at least two buys of this show if those two have DVRs at their houses. As Gunner makes his entrance, the camera man generously shows Gunner standing backstage at the gorilla position right next to Austin Aries and Ken Anderson…who are his opponents in this brutal grudge match. Then Rob Van Dam, who you may recall will ALSO be using a cheese grater on Gunner’s face shortly, walks by with some water and nods at him. Sigh. This is one for the kayfabe police.

Anyway, things get started, and just like their previous matches Gunner beats up Garrett, only for Garrett to SHOCKINGLY and AMAZINGLY fight back with all the passion and grace of an old woman in line at the DMV. This goes on for awhile, until Gunner remembers that he’s actually big and strong and just starts throttling Garrett however he feels like it. From this point on, this is not a fun day for Garrett Bischoff.

Unless He Really Likes Fences In An Inappropriate Way.

But things could always get worse…

Bully Ray Has Entered The Match.

When people talk about worst case scenarios, they’re often talking about things like two countries declaring nuclear war on one another, or a robber breaking into your house and stealing everything you own. But I would like to submit for your consideration that Bully Ray coming out when you’re a rookie that he doesn’t like and another guy who hates you has already been kicking your ass is a WORST CASE SCENARIO. Luckily for Garrett, though, Bully and Gunner hit him maybe 5 total times over the next 5 minutes. I guess because they feel demeaned by wasting perfectly good fists on the young man’s face. As Garrett tries to fire up, the crowd begins to chant loudly in support…of Austin Aries.

Austin Aries Has Entered The Match.

The apparently psychic crowd is quite excited to see Mr. Aries come strutting down to the ring and they enjoy every one of his 8 seconds of offense before he gets punched once and spends the next 2 minutes selling. This match is truly electrifying thus far.

Frankie Kazarian Has Entered The Match.

Frankie Kazarian comes out to help those dastardly heels continue winning just like they were perfectly capable of doing without him, and he’s sporting a freshly shaved head. The crowd receives him warmly, with the loving chant of, “YOU LOOK STUPID.”

Let’s check on how Garrett Bischoff is doing.

Hmm.

Oh, still about the same then? Cool, just checking.

AJ Styles Has Entered The Match.

AJ Styles comes out to a genuinely huge pop and promptly destroys all three members of the other team effortlessly, including kicking Bully Ray so hard that he Flair Flopped.

Awesome.

Right away, this match becomes immediately more interesting as Styles and Bully Ray square off in an intense back and forth that is reminiscent of their incredible Last Man Standing match from last year.

Christopher Daniels Has Entered The Match.

Daniels runs down in a hurry to help the other three guys pacify the house of fire that is AJ Styles. They completely destroy the face team and then mock them soundly as the beatings continue.

Hey, why don’t we check on Garrett Bischoff again?

Dude, Seriously. What Is It With You And Fences?

Ah. Right. Same. Gotcha.

Mr. Anderson Has Entered The Match.

And he promptly delivers the single most devastating missed punch in the history of fighting. The wind from his mighty miss sends Christopher Daniels flying.

BY THE POWER OF FAILSKULL!

If you think that I’m not really sharing what is going on in the match specifically at this point, it may help you to realize that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF ANY IMPORTANCE IS HAPPENING AT ALL. Everyone is just kind of wandering around and choking someone up against the ropes. In fact, Garrett Bischoff has been getting choked by at least one of his opponents for at least 8 minutes straight now, and is possibly eligible for some kind of Guinness World Record for going the longest without air or offense.

Eric Bischoff Has Entered The Match.

Now comes Eric Bischoff, who agreed to be in this match so long as Garrett would have to leave if he lost. Fortunately for Eric, the entire face team is in shambles to kick things off, so he just wanders in, picks his son up, and invites Bully Ray to harm the young man. Bully Ray obliges by chopping him in the chest so hard that I’m wincing just thinking about it and then obliges further by rubbing him down erotically before chopping him brutally again.

Then Gunner gets a turn at the same, and Kazarian considers giving it a go himself before saying, “Nah,” and just kicking him full on in the face with a jumping roundhouse instead.

Say, why don’t we check in on Garrett Bischoff again, just for kicks?

Hehe, Kicks.

Why does he want to be a wrestler again?

Rob Van Dam Has Entered The Match.

Van Dam comes out and now we officially start the actual match portion of the night as the cage ceiling comes down. Now pins and submissions count officially, though apparently nobody bothered to tell Earl Hebner that, as he just goes right on not giving a fuck about anybody’s bullshit attempts to win wrestling matches.

Now everyone apparently gets the signal that it’s time to actually start giving a shit, so they all grab weapons and start messily whaling on each other, turning the ring into a complete clusterfuck mess, just like these matches always turn into when you put 10 people and a bunch of weapons into a normal ring with a cage obstructing the view. Things go on in this fashion for a good long while until Eric Bischoff comes out from hiding behind the turnbuckle and starts beating his son with a kendo stick. So since we’re already here, why don’t we check on Garrett Bischoff one last time?

Yep, still beaten down, just like he has been for the past 15 minutes. Why do I keep driving this point home over and over, you ask? Well because about 8 seconds after that picture was taken, Garrett stands right up, grabs a guitar, blasts Eric with it and wins the match. He gets in one offense move, no sells 15 minutes of abuse and wins. In doing so he overshadows everyone else here that has been gamely trying to pretend he’s a professional wrestler and inflicts upon his father the weirdest punishment in recent memory. A perfect ending to a perfect series of brainfuckery.

When I was initially looking forward to this show and was looking at potential matches for the card, the storylines on tv seemed to indicate that the card we would get would look like this:

Storm vs. Roode
Hardy vs. Angle
Van Dam w/ Garrett vs. Gunner w/ Eric
Ray vs. Aries
Styles vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian
Kim vs. Sky
Joe and Magnus vs. Machine Guns

Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty fucking solid card for me, with no obvious weak points. However I should have suspected that they would just randomly throw everyone into a big clusterfuck match that nobody in their right mind could possibly care about, and completely strip the card bare of any relevant matches or feuds. The resulting mess that has been recounted here was an embarrassment creatively, professionally, artistically, and cookily, (I received zero cookies for watching it.) I can’t thinking of any more painful indictment than to say that this match took parts that could be great and rendered them meaningless and without value.

And get Garrett off television and into developmental for fuck’s sake. Pushing him like this is ruining whatever career he could have possibly had. How can you fuckers not know this when every son of a famous wrestler who has been pushed this way has received EXACTLY THIS RESPONSE. David Sammartino, Scott Putski, Rocky Maivia, Erik Watts, Dustin Rhodes, David Flair IT’S A FUCKING ENDLESS REPEATING CYCLE OF YOU FUCKS SABOTOGUING YOUR CHILDREN. How about you pull Johnny Gargano off of the indies and SAY he’s Eric Bischoff’s kid, and let Garrett go to developmental where he can learn to do more than get a boot up his ass theatrically every night? Since, you know, nobody knows or cares who Eric Bischoff’s kid is unless you present and book him well. But no need to worry, guys. What with the crowd cheering loudly whenever Garrett got hurt, I’m sure he’ll have a long and fruitful career as an over pushed jobber because you fuckheads couldn’t let him take 5 fucking minutes to learn how to impress anyone in the ring. Great. Terrific.

I’ll send him a fruit basket when the fans get done laughing him out of the industry.

Enjoy It While It Lasts, Buddy. The Future is Not Kind.

47 out of 100

Vice: It’s interesting to see TNA kick off the show with this match.

It’s also really bad. These matches are never good, and I don’t understand why no one seems to realize this. War Games is fun and all, but goddamn it doesn’t work with 10 people in TNA’s ring. Just too many damn people. When everyone is going at it, it’s just a clusterfuck that you can’t keep track of. And the only way for people to be able to understand what’s going is to have a number of people knocked down for long stretches of time. And it’s usually silly crap, like a punch or a standard slam that just happens to knock people down for 4 minutes at a time.

To make things worse, the majority of this match revolves around Eric Bischoff and his massively overexposed-for-no-real-reason son, Garrett. It’s awful.

This match was just shit. Half of me is happy that they got it out of the way right off the bat, the other half is perplexed because this match completely killed the crowd. That’s all there is say.

Team Garrett Over Team Eric Following Some Truly Atrocious Bullshit.

Segment 4 – TNA Tag Team Championships – Steel Cage Match – Samoa Joe and Magnus © vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

Vice: On paper, this match sounded amazingly sexy. Joe seems to be motivated and more fresh, Magnus is all kinds of should-be-WWE-champion wonderfulness, and the MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS ARE BACK ON PPV. Holy crap.

Cewsh: For those of you who haven’t been following TNA recently and are wondering how in the hell a Magnus/Samoa Joe tag team makes any sense, the answer is that it doesn’t. The story is that months ago, TNA was having a tournament where they just threw random people who weren’t doing anything together and the winners would get a tag team title shot. Samoa Joe and Magnus were one such random team, and completely unexpectedly they wound up having terrific chemistry as a team, despite being about as different as it is possible for two wrestlers to be.

Unexpected Partners. Unstoppable Heroes.

Fast forward to now and they’re the tag team champions, and the team has revitalized both of their careers. Meanwhile, for the past year TNA’s most popular tag team, the Motor City Machine Guns, have been out of action as Chris Sabin recovered from a nasty leg injury. This pretty much left Alex Shelley twiddling his thumbs waiting for an entire year of his prime, as TNA couldn’t come up with anything for ALEX SHELLEY to do on their shows. Makes sense, though, since he’s obviously a scrub compared to Garrett Bischoff. That much is obvious. Anyway, so a just before this show, the Guns made their triumphant return to TNA, and after beating TNA’s only other tag team, (Mexican America,) they were in line for this title shot.

So let’s look at what we have here. The Motor City Machine Guns, who are exciting and beloved, Samoa Joe, who seems reinvigorated and more like his old self by the day, and Magnus, who is maybe the most under pushed man in professional wrestling. Both teams have great chemistry between partners, and with Joe and Magnus being so much bigger, this had the potential to be a fantastic big team/small team match between terrific talents that could really pull this show out of the doldrums.

You know what’s coming next, right?

Vice: Holy crap this was really underwhelming and borderline boring. You have no idea how sad this made me. This should have stolen the show and be one of TNA’s best matches of the year. Hopefully they have a rematch and it is glorious like it should be.

Cewsh: These two teams had one of the most disappointing matches in recent memory. They just kind of meandered around, doing occasional moves to one another until the match started picking up momentum…only to immediately end. Now, I want it to be clear that I’m not actually blaming these guys for this particularly much. I mean, this was only Sabin’s second match back from a year off and leg surgery, so him being tentative and the Guns having ring rust as a duo is completely understandable. The trouble is that since the Guns didn’t have that usual chemistry that completely defines them as a team, they weren’t able to be even remotely as effective as usual. So the hot comebacks weren’t as hot, the fun antics weren’t as fun, and the match just simply wasn’t as good as it could have been. Ideally, this match would never have taken place so soon after Sabin’s return, but I imagine it was hard for TNA to resist putting this match on since they only have THREE FUCKING TAG TEAMS and Joe and Magnus already beat the other one last month.

Whatever the cause, though, this match isn’t anything for anyone to be proud of. A dull match, accompanied by a completely dead crowd, is the last thing this show needed at this point. Instead of saving the day, this match just buried us further.

65 out of 100

Samoa Joe and Magnus Over The Motor City Machine Guns Following The Cyborg Snapline (Half Snapmare, Half Clothesline).

Segment 5 – TNA Television Championship – Steel Cage Match – Devon © vs. Robbie E w/ Big Robbie T

Cewsh: There are times when, in my capacity of a reviewer and chronicler of professional wrestling, I have to reveal things to you that will make your life a sad and barren place. I don’t relish these instances, and I try to avoid them whenever possible. But sometimes the stark truth is unavoidable, and I need to share it with you so that you can make an informed decision about this show. So here goes.

This match lasted approximately 3 minutes and 25 seconds. And it is the one of the best matches on this show.

Seriously.

See, this match, on any other show of decent quality, would be a fine and forgettable interlude. But on THIS show, this match winds up being thrust into the spotlight as some kind of evidence that TNA isn’t actively trying to make our hands spontaneously rebel and start punching us in the face for continuing to watch. All that is here is a short match between an average heel, (with the best bodyguard in the business, of course,) and a very consistent and relatively over babyface. The good guy wins pretty quickly and everyone goes home, and this makes it a marvel here because IT DIDN’T ACTIVELY FAIL. Forget about actual quality here, this match didn’t actively mail us a box with a rabid raccoon in it, so it wins the bronze medal for the show BY DEFAULT. Do you understand how sad that is? How awful, awful, awful a fucking show has to be for this match to be something worth dedicating this much writing time to? And we’re not even halfway through!

Where’s my bourbon?

70 out of 100

Vice: This was short. And whatever.

Crickets all around.

Devon Over Robbie E Following A Wrestling Move.

Segment 6 – Aesthetically Cracked and Loquaciously Whack.

Cewsh: Matt Morgan is backstage and he is all upset at Crimson and whatnot. But I really couldn’t maintain any sort of interest in his shitty promoing for very long, so instead I distracted myself by noticing 3 fun facts about this Matt Morgan Promo. Can I get a snazzy graphic for this?

1. Matt Morgan calls everyone “son” or “kid”. To my knowledge he is not 74 years old, so this is decidedly strange. He also says the word “tonight” a seemingly impossible 8,090,123 times.

2. Matt Morgan dresses in all white at all times, leading me to believe that he is getting bad fashion advice from someone on our list of the Worst Dressed Wrestlers of All Time.

3. To close his promo, Matt Morgan suggests, very angrily, that he is going to go out to the ring and make Crimson his “red headed bitch”. Now that saying is supposed to go “red headed stepchild” and would normally imply that Morgan was going to beat Crimson like the child he doesn’t want. Which is awkwardly fucked up at the best of times. But Morgan’s charming spin on it implies that he’s going to gleefully harm him like he would a red haired woman…which is sort of awkward since Christy Hemme is, like, right there in the ring dude. Seriously.

Segment 7 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Steel Cage Match – Gail Kim © vs. Velvet Sky

Cewsh: A true and just god, please bless Gail Kim for the charity work she is doing in TNA right now. After leaving WWE and coming back to TNA, she was immediately adorned with everything that was even vaguely gold colored that they could fit around her waist and then sent out to wrestle the bastardized remnants of the Knockouts division she had once built herself. Times have not been good. As she has gone down the line of opponents, from Mexican America, to Mickie James, to her own sometime partner Madison Rayne, it has become painfully clear that not only did all of these women have no momentum whatsoever, but none of them had even the slightest bit of support from the crowd. Enter Velvet Sky who, if nothing else, has always been able to elicit cheers from a crowd of neckbeardy dudes who just wanted to see her let metaphorical pigeons loose. After earning a title shot somewhat haphazardly, Velvet set her eyes on her second Knockouts title reign in the hopes that this time, it may actually last a whole month!

Right off the bat, this match is in trouble. Before the bell even rings, Velvet Sky comes out to a decent reaction from the completely dead crowd, only for it to immediately turn into boos and disinterest when she just gets into the ring instead of pandering to them sexily. Gail comes out to silence. Terrific.

They get things started, and to be honest this was a perfectly fine match. Gail very clearly leads the way, and Velvet has enthusiasm if nothing else, and works hard to keep up and make this a good match. Aside from one spot, where Velvet tried a sunset powerbomb off of the top rope and appeared to forget halfway through HOW do perform this move, this was a competent and entertaining little match that didn’t aspire too high and managed to avoid any serious problems. Once again, a match breaking even is a huge compliment by comparison on this show, but it’s also worth mentioning that this may be the highest I’ve rated a women’s match in a major promotion in months. Since this match only gets a 69, that’s more an indictment than a compliment.

69 out of 100

Vice: Velvet Sky just looks weirder and weirder every time I see her. Something is not going right with her. Too many surgeries? Surgeries deteriorating? Aging horrendously despite being young still? It’s something, and it scares me. One year from now she may very well look like a plate of pasta.

They put on a decent match, but it’s not good by any means. Very uninspired.

Gail Kim Over Velvet Sky Following Atomic Polio.

Segment 8 – So We Haven’t Heard From Ric Flair In Awhile…

Cewsh: So much for that I suppose.

In his newest attempt to bury his legacy so far underground that only the Morlocks in the distant future will be able to find it, Ric Flair comes out and immediately starts insulting random people in the audience for no particular reason beyond the fact that this is preferable to NOT insulting people in the audience for no particular reason. Then he runs down Hulk Hogan for being a meany face to his friend Eric Bischoff, which I guess implies that Ric still thinks that Immortal is a thing, even though he’s the only person who is still a member of it. So Hulk Hogan, (who is the current authority figure on the show, if you missed that,) graciously comes down to grant an audience to the knave in question. Hogan calls Ric the greatest wrestler of all time, and Ric responds by immediately trying to build to a match that only an orthopedic surgeon could feasibly look forward to. Still, they build up some solid tension, as the crowd gets ready for a throw down between these two legends. Hogan throws the first punch and they cheer, ready to enjoy this for as long as possible before it makes them sad.

Then, Flair gets knocked out by that first punch and Hogan goes home. Night folks!

“Nah, Nah, You Thought You Were Going To Feel Good About Buying This Show!”



Segment 9 – Steel Cage Match – Crimson vs. Morgan

Vice: Speaking of uninspired, here is a match for the ages. Good lord this was shit. And the ending was horribly anticlimactic and just all kinds of awkward. It makes sense on paper– you have a big face taking on a smaller heel. You want to see Crimson get his ass kicked. But Morgan takes a bad fall and gets his balls crushed by the ring ropes. To get trapped the way he did, he had to purposely, and AWKWARDLY, get himself trapped. It wasn’t logical in any sort of way. It wasn’t like you could understand what the man was going for, but just failed. No. You can watch him stupidly trap himself on purpose because he’s that much of a fucking idiot. Or that terrible of a wrestler. I will accept either.

“Not Turning My Feet Slightly To The Side! Anything But That!”

Cewsh: I don’t want to talk about this match.

I don’t want to talk about how any potential Crimson may or may not have is impossible to find while he’s trapped by the Morgan Monster.

Though The Man Sure Can Strike A Pose.

I don’t want to talk about how the Morgan Monster has claimed a big man wrestler who was a former teammate of his at three different Lockdowns and all three matches were putrid garbage that killed the other guy’s momentum. I don’t want to talk about how hard Crimson seemed to be trying to turn this dumpster fire into a good match. I don’t want to talk about how Matt Morgan stunk up the joint in a way so profound that I haven’t seen anything like it in a major promotion in YEARS. I don’t want to talk about how Morgan interpreted “needing to get his foot trapped in the ropes” as “drape my foot vaguely near a rope and then make noises like a constipated bull”. I don’t want to talk about any part of this match or anything that happened in it.

Dammit.

22 out of 100
Crimson Over Morgan Following A Vicious Attack By The Ring Rope.


Segment 10 – Steel Cage Match – Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle

Cewsh: Say what you will about Jeff Hardy or Kurt Angle, and there really is plenty to say, but when it comes down to shows like this, they always seem to be untouched by the badness around them. Nobody how bad the show is or how dead the crowd is, it never seems to touch their matches and they virtually always turn in 70+ performances, despite all the obstacles arrayed against them. It’s incredibly admirable on a normal TNA show, and on this one it’s like getting punched in the stomach 5 times and then getting to have sex with Salma Hayek.

This match isn’t hugely significant, and these guys have wrestled a number of times of late, and always produce a match filled with good chemistry, entertaining action, and a hot finish. They do exactly that here, as they wake up the dead crowd, give everyone a good time, and then give us the first moment of the night worth waking up to see as Jeff Hardy does a Swanton off the top of the cage which is so fucking graceful and gorgeous looking that it makes 90% of all other cage jumps look like dogshit.

wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

This isn’t a match that I’m going to rave on about for ages, but it was good and infinitely refreshing. That’s all they had to do, and just like every other time when their demons aren’t getting in the way, that’s just what they did.

79 out of 100

Vice: I actually kind of enjoyed this match. Sort of. It was pretty decent for the first half, but then picked up towards the end. Special? Not really. Swanton off the top of the cage for the win? Yes indeed.

Jeff Hardy Over Kurt Angle Following Flippidoodahs.

Segment 11 – TNA Knockout’s Tag Team Championships – Steel Cage Match – ODB and Eric Young © vs. Mexican America

Cewsh: WHY?!

When watching this match, that was the word that reverberated continuously through my mind. Why on Earth did I sit and watch a man with the gimmick of being an idiot and his eye roll worthy wife wrestle thoroughly squash two wrestlers who have the potential to be something worthwhile? Why is there a storyline in this company that resulted in a man holding a Knockout’s championship belt? Why does TNA think that this Eric Young/ODB thing is somehow crowd pleasing? What possible sense does it make to have every woman in TNA suddenly want to fuck Eric Young? Why did this match need to be on this show? Why did Zordon not give me the Mighty Morphing Power Ranger power to destroy this entire promotion and everything in it when ODB beat two women at once while Eric Young was licking the cage?

WHY DO I STILL NOT HAVE MY CEWSH REVIEWS RUM GODDAMMIT?!

SHARING IS CARING, LADY.

31 out of 100

Vice: Believe it or not, this match is shittier than this review of mine. So, really bad. Really, really, really bad. And because I love starting religious wars, I will say that this match is proof there is no god. He wouldn’t allow this.

ODB And Eric Young Over Mexican America Following Something That Vaguely Resembled A Wrestling Match.

Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Steel Cage Match – Bobby Roode © vs. James Storm

Cewsh: Congratulations, dear reader! You have managed to survive the harrowing trials presented by even learning of the events of this show in print and picture form and have finally arrived at the only worthwhile match on this entire show.

Now I’m not just saying that this is the only worthwhile match on this show to be a mean internet jerkface. This is genuinely the only match on TNA Lockdown 2012 that TNA cared enough to actually promote beforehand to any extent, and this is the match they put every second of video editing time into. TNA basically made it clear from the outset that this was the only match they had that they thought that anyone would want to see, and that since they didn’t think It’d be fair to let it last for 3 straight hours, everything up to this has been time filling nonsense. But in fairness to them, there’s a reason why they built this entire show around this match, and that’s because backstory leading in here was just really fucking good.

If we look back to before Bound For Glory last year, James Storm and Bobby Roode together comprised perhaps they most lauded and respected active tag team in the wrestling industry as Beer Money. But as the Bound For Glory series, which would lead to a title match for the winner, began, it became clear that both guys were eyeing singles glory for themselves. They made a friendly agreement to do whatever it took to get to the title, and when Bobby won the BFG series, James supported him, even though he was crushed. But when Bobby made it to Bound For Glory against Kurt Angle and LOST, he was beyond devastated at the opportunity that he had let slip through his fingers. What made it a million times worse was that James Storm promptly won the title in an impromptu match the very following week. So Bobby Roode weighed his options as he stood at a crossroads in his career. He could either stick by his friend, and try to find singles glory where he could in the shadow of his now more successful partner, or he could change the script entirely.

One beer bottle shot later, and his decision was made. With that, Bobby Roode turned a friendly exhibition into the opening salvo of a war as he took the belt from his best friend’s waste and christened himself “The It Factor.” In the months to come, Roode became an egomaniac as he held off assaults from Jeff Hardy and Sting, and began openly antagonizing the company as a whole, and claiming that he was bigger than everything and everyone. All the while, James Storm was biding his time, and developing his superkick finisher into a deadly weapon that could come out of nowhere and beat anyone at any time. He bested Kurt Angle and AJ Styles and finally he felt he was ready to take back the prize that his former best friend had stolen from him, in a match that wouldn’t let Bobby run. So now they’re finally meeting to have it out once and for all, and determine who the true star really is. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re in James Storm’s hometown.

I’m not going to get into the details of what made this a great match. Frankly, you owe it to yourself to watch this match on your own and see how absolutely brilliant these two were at telling a story that built on their rivalry and on their opposing styles. The way Roode treated the Last Call superkick like it was a laser death ray every time Storm went to go for it was especially tremendous, and built that move as such a dangerous thing that by the end I was BEGGING for Storm to hit it. But the reason I’ll bypass the match to some degree is because what I really want to talk about is the finish. It goes down like this. Roode has Storm down and bloody and is mocking him incessantly, as Storm seems down and out. Storm tries to fire back with a Last Call but accidentally catches Brian Hebner instead. Then Roode goes and tells Earl Hebner to fetch him a beer, and Earl does, showing no sign that he just noticed his son get demolished not 5 feet from where he’s been standing.

Introducing: Scumbag Earl.

Roode smashes Storm with the bottle, but Storm gets a shoulder up at the last second.

Ow.

Somehow, Storm gets to his feet and manages to connect with the Last Call, and sends Roode tumbling through the ropes into the cage. Dazed, and beaten half to shit, Storm stumbles up and when he sees Roode standing, he instinctively goes with his best weapon and demolishes Roode with another Last Call superkick. But Roode was right up against the cage when he did it, so as the kick connects, Roode falls right through the cage door and onto the floor outside, completely unconscious. But unconscious or not, this makes him the winner, and Roode retains his title unjustly.

40 Pounds Of Golds Makes A Surprisingly Good Nipple Blanket.

Now this finish has been discussed very hotly by a large number of people who saw it, and the vast majority of them hated that it wasn’t a clean finish. I will say to you honestly that I LOVED this finish despite all of that, and the reasons why are simple. First of all, this finish puts James Storm’s finisher like it’s a cannon shot from the deck of a fucking battleship and makes Storm look like a wrecking machine. Second of all, this allows Roode to continue on his tremendous growth as TNA champion, which is the best thing this company has done in years. And thirdly, this finish 100% sets up another match between these two down the road that should be even better since it can build on what was here. This match didn’t solve any of their problems, but not Storm has to go back to the back of the line and work his way back up to face the rival who he will never be rid of.

Better Luck Next Time, Buddy.

This is how career long rivalries get started, and TNA hasn’t had a rivalry of this kind of sustainable magnitude since Joe/Angle over 4 years ago.

Make no mistake, for as bad as the rest of the show was, this was marvelous. If there was a way to watch only these two guys and what they do in TNA from this point forward I would tune in every week. Because improbably, TNA has managed to take two midcarders and turn them into the hottest things in the wrestling industry while the rest of their show burns in the background.

What can I say? It’s TNA.

 
90 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval

Vice: Man oh man.

For me, this was like coming home at the end of one of the worst days ever, and finding Samus 1 sitting in my room. I take her helmet off, and she’s wearing a Shark Boy 2 mask. I take her armor off, and she’s dressed as Chell 3. I take the Shark Boy mask off and it’s Daffers 4, and she is pleading to have sex with me to Take My Breath Away 5. And I receive a text message from my girlfriend 6 saying to go for it.

1 – Metroid heroine extraordinaire
2 – Awesome wrestler of shell yeah proportions
3 – Portal heroine, AKA Fatty Fatty No Parents
4 – Daffney, the love of my life
5 – Top Gun Soundtrack
6 – Should be the love of my life, but Daffers she is not.

This match was awesome. I loved it. Will most likely be top 10 TNA material for 2012.

Bobby Roode Over James Storm Following A Nice Trip. We’ll See Him Next Fall.
——————————————–
Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Do you want to know how lame and nondescript this show was? Here is what it says on the actual Wikipedia page for Lockdown, describing the stories surrounding the show:

“Lockdown featured eight professional wrestling matches that involved different wrestlers from pre-existing scripted feuds and storylines. Wrestlers portrayed villains, heroes, or less distinguishable characters in the scripted events that build tension and that culminate in a wrestling match or series of matches.”

So someone took the time to update the winners and losers, put up the show’s official poster, chronicle the date and location for the show, and then, when they sat down to write about what the shit actually happened leading up to the show and on it, they drew such a monumental blank that they wrote the equivalent of “Wrestling happened. Fuck, stop bothering me.”

The fucked up thing here is that I was actually EXCITED for this show. I had started watching Impact again in preparation for this review and I liked what I saw. I love Bobby Roode as champion right now. I really like the development of Crimson, Xima Ion and the tag team of Joe and Magnus. I was excited for the return of the Motor City Machine Guns, and to see Gail Kim keep on defending the Knockouts title. So when Vice and I excitedly started the show, I was so, so ready to get back involved in TNA again. To be a FAN of theirs again. In response to that, TNA provided me with such a hearty kick to the balls, that I think you’ll find my vas deferens somewhere in low orbit. I have wondered, over the past few months, if Vice, Mrs. Cewsh and I made the right decision in refusing to review all monthly TNA shows anymore. After this show, those doubts are erased. Utterly.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 59.13 out of 100

Vice’s Final Score:

Vice: Overall this was a fucking lousy show. So bad that I can’t even really bring myself to bitch about the awfulness of it, or even really go into detail about the good parts. This was like the reverse of most TNA PPVs. The undercard was shit and the main event was fantastic, and they were out of the Impact Zone and the crowd was even worse.

So strange. I don’t know what’s going on here.

Why did we review this again, Cewsh?

Cewsh: Because I hate us. I hate us SO MUCH.

Vice’s Final Score: 42 out of 100 (40 of which are thanks to the main event)

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hoped you enjoyed our review of TNA Go Fuck Yourself 2012. We’re almost 100% certain that this review is the most fun that it is possible have in any way regarding the show. Next week we’re going EXTREEEEEEEEEME as WWE rolls out it’s yearly tribute to chair and table manufacturers worldwide with WWE Extreme Rules 2012. I hear some MMA guy will be there, so that’s probably a big deal or something. But until then, remember to keep reading and, as always, be good to one another.

4 thoughts on “TNA Lockdown 2012

  1. Cewsh says:

    My problem with Rhino revolves mostly around the fact that he was once tremendously good and entertaining and had tons of potential, and then somewhere around 2007 he started stinking up every ring he stepped into.

    As far as I'm aware, this can be traced back to some personal issues he had with his family and alcohol at the time, which he was open about in TNA and which I have a ton of sympathy for him about. But his wrestling performance was the shits for so long that he sort of became a running joke of ours during his period as the mouthpiece of the Frontline.

    Now, with that said, I've seen him recently and he seems humble, motivated and like he's recaptured some of that old magic, so I think he could be tremendous in the right role. Hopefully his upcoming match with Richards will show that.

    Like

  2. Unknown says:

    Hey whats your problem with Rhino? He's facing Davey Richards in ROH next week (I think) so that should be good.

    Like

  3. Cewsh says:

    My name is Cewsh, and I endorse this message.

    Like

  4. JackCollins says:

    Top five nice things I can say about TNA Lockdown.

    1. Booby Roode vs James Storm was about as good as TNA gets.
    2. I have always found the TNA cage matches to be easier to watch than the WWE ones due to the “Camera Holes” in the fence.
    3. Austin Aries was present

    Ummmm errrrr

    4. No Rhino!
    5. No Kizarney (Always makes a show better)

    Like

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