Monthly Archives: April 2012

The 5 Best Feuds From Before You Were Born

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another Sunday Supplement from your glorious benefactors here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters.  Tonight we’re going to be dealing with something a little different, and rather than turning back the clock to when we were teenagers or when we were kids, we’re going to turn the clock all the way back to when we weren’t anything at all whatsoever.  See, its a common fallacy of people to only really regard the things that have happened in your lifetime as important, and not to factor in things that went on before, and wrestling is no different.  If you think back to the days before Hulkamania it probably seems like sort of  a big empty period of random title changes and aimless matches, but there were storylines even back in those barbaric times when nobody had started wearing codpieces yet.  So today we’ll be celebrating the 10 best storylines that took place before we were born (using 1985, when I was born, as a frame of reference).  Maybe we’ll learn something that will give us all new respect for the old timers who paved the way for the wrestling we enjoy today, and if not we can at least all look at how weird people looked back in the day.

Either way, its time for an adventure and off we go!
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TNA Lockdown 2012

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Lockdown 2012

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only blog that has a fully grown Sasquatch on staff, (he types like 75 words per minute,) Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we return to the scene of past crimes against wrestling to review TNA Lockdown 2012. It has been 3 months now since we elected to stop covering TNA’s PPVs on a monthly basis, and now we’re checking back in to see how they’ve been getting on without us. From the looks of things, everything has gotten real interesting in the TNA universe, with Bobby Roode running roughshod over the entire company as TNA champion, Bully Ray lovingly renaming himself Calfzilla, and with the Immortal Hulk Hogan having taken over as the man in charge on television. After alienating us with dreary booking before, will they be able to make us come crawling back begging for forgiveness? Or will we finally have to call things off with TNA permanently? Only one way to find out…

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Regardless of what else you may find yourself expecting this show to do or be, let’s set the record straight right now. This James Storm/Bobby Roode feud has been fantastic. Lucky for us, TNA appears to realize that too, and as such they dedicate the entire hype video for this pay per view to dramatizing the fuck out of this back story. They touch on the betrayal of Roode and what Beer Money meant to both of them, they cover Roode’s rise to bastardish power as the TNA champion and they especially cover that James Storm is from Nashville, which is where this show takes place. Remember that for later, kids. It’s going to be important.

All in all, this video reflects a focus on the main event to the exclusion of all else. I wonder if that will trickle down to the show itself…

Segment 2 – “It’s All My Favorite Wrestlers! And Garrett Bischoff Too, I Guess.”

Cewsh: We kick off the show by going backstage to see a pow-wow between Ken Anderson, AJ Styles, Rob Van Dam, Austin Aries and that one guy…you know who I’m talking about. The one with the greasy hair who thinks he’s a wrestler because his dad runs the company? Gosh, what was his name again?

Anderson: “I’ve Got It, You’re My Plumber, Aren’t You?”

Styles: “Why Do We Always Do These Things Outside At Night With No Clothes On? I’m Freezing My Balls Off.”

Anyway, they’re debating who should be the one of them who starts the Lethal Lockdown match, (as it is under Wargames Rules where one team will be at a disadvantage all the way through the match,) and Garrett Bischoff decides that it should be him. His teammates all look at him like he’s a crazy person and assure him that that might not be such a good idea, since he has all the wrestling skill of a kumquat on a stick. Then he starts poking them and yelling, (prompting Austin Aries to legendarily say “Don’t touch me,”) so they agree to let him do it. If I had to guess I would imagine that they realized that letting the guy go first would result in the maximum possible ass beating to be inflicted on Baby Bisch. I can certainly see how that would be appealing.

Segment 3 – Lethal Lockdown Match – Team Bischoff (Eric Bischoff, Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Frankie Kazarian and Gunner) vs. Team Bischoff (Garrett Bischoff, AJ Styles, Austin Aries, Mr. Anderson and Rob Van Dam)

Cewsh: For those of you who have never seen a Lethal Lockdown match before, the basic idea is this. Two men will start in a wrestling cage match. Every two minutes, one member of either team will come out, and a coin flip beforehand chooses which team gets to have the one man advantage. Once all of the participants are in the ring, the ceiling will drop with weapons hanging from it and pinfalls and submissions will officially start counting. In this particular match, if Eric Bischoff’s team ultimately wins, then Garrett Bischoff will be removed from TNA, (YAY,) and if Garrett’s team wins then Eric will be forced to never use the last name Bischoff ever again, (YA…wait, what? Why would we want that?)

To start things off, we get the dynamic duo of Garrett Bischoff and Gunner, which is a match up that probably sold at least two buys of this show if those two have DVRs at their houses. As Gunner makes his entrance, the camera man generously shows Gunner standing backstage at the gorilla position right next to Austin Aries and Ken Anderson…who are his opponents in this brutal grudge match. Then Rob Van Dam, who you may recall will ALSO be using a cheese grater on Gunner’s face shortly, walks by with some water and nods at him. Sigh. This is one for the kayfabe police.

Anyway, things get started, and just like their previous matches Gunner beats up Garrett, only for Garrett to SHOCKINGLY and AMAZINGLY fight back with all the passion and grace of an old woman in line at the DMV. This goes on for awhile, until Gunner remembers that he’s actually big and strong and just starts throttling Garrett however he feels like it. From this point on, this is not a fun day for Garrett Bischoff.

Unless He Really Likes Fences In An Inappropriate Way.

But things could always get worse…

Bully Ray Has Entered The Match.

When people talk about worst case scenarios, they’re often talking about things like two countries declaring nuclear war on one another, or a robber breaking into your house and stealing everything you own. But I would like to submit for your consideration that Bully Ray coming out when you’re a rookie that he doesn’t like and another guy who hates you has already been kicking your ass is a WORST CASE SCENARIO. Luckily for Garrett, though, Bully and Gunner hit him maybe 5 total times over the next 5 minutes. I guess because they feel demeaned by wasting perfectly good fists on the young man’s face. As Garrett tries to fire up, the crowd begins to chant loudly in support…of Austin Aries.

Austin Aries Has Entered The Match.

The apparently psychic crowd is quite excited to see Mr. Aries come strutting down to the ring and they enjoy every one of his 8 seconds of offense before he gets punched once and spends the next 2 minutes selling. This match is truly electrifying thus far.

Frankie Kazarian Has Entered The Match.

Frankie Kazarian comes out to help those dastardly heels continue winning just like they were perfectly capable of doing without him, and he’s sporting a freshly shaved head. The crowd receives him warmly, with the loving chant of, “YOU LOOK STUPID.”

Let’s check on how Garrett Bischoff is doing.

Hmm.

Oh, still about the same then? Cool, just checking.

AJ Styles Has Entered The Match.

AJ Styles comes out to a genuinely huge pop and promptly destroys all three members of the other team effortlessly, including kicking Bully Ray so hard that he Flair Flopped.

Awesome.

Right away, this match becomes immediately more interesting as Styles and Bully Ray square off in an intense back and forth that is reminiscent of their incredible Last Man Standing match from last year.

Christopher Daniels Has Entered The Match.

Daniels runs down in a hurry to help the other three guys pacify the house of fire that is AJ Styles. They completely destroy the face team and then mock them soundly as the beatings continue.

Hey, why don’t we check on Garrett Bischoff again?

Dude, Seriously. What Is It With You And Fences?

Ah. Right. Same. Gotcha.

Mr. Anderson Has Entered The Match.

And he promptly delivers the single most devastating missed punch in the history of fighting. The wind from his mighty miss sends Christopher Daniels flying.

BY THE POWER OF FAILSKULL!

If you think that I’m not really sharing what is going on in the match specifically at this point, it may help you to realize that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF ANY IMPORTANCE IS HAPPENING AT ALL. Everyone is just kind of wandering around and choking someone up against the ropes. In fact, Garrett Bischoff has been getting choked by at least one of his opponents for at least 8 minutes straight now, and is possibly eligible for some kind of Guinness World Record for going the longest without air or offense.

Eric Bischoff Has Entered The Match.

Now comes Eric Bischoff, who agreed to be in this match so long as Garrett would have to leave if he lost. Fortunately for Eric, the entire face team is in shambles to kick things off, so he just wanders in, picks his son up, and invites Bully Ray to harm the young man. Bully Ray obliges by chopping him in the chest so hard that I’m wincing just thinking about it and then obliges further by rubbing him down erotically before chopping him brutally again.

Then Gunner gets a turn at the same, and Kazarian considers giving it a go himself before saying, “Nah,” and just kicking him full on in the face with a jumping roundhouse instead.

Say, why don’t we check in on Garrett Bischoff again, just for kicks?

Hehe, Kicks.

Why does he want to be a wrestler again?

Rob Van Dam Has Entered The Match.

Van Dam comes out and now we officially start the actual match portion of the night as the cage ceiling comes down. Now pins and submissions count officially, though apparently nobody bothered to tell Earl Hebner that, as he just goes right on not giving a fuck about anybody’s bullshit attempts to win wrestling matches.

Now everyone apparently gets the signal that it’s time to actually start giving a shit, so they all grab weapons and start messily whaling on each other, turning the ring into a complete clusterfuck mess, just like these matches always turn into when you put 10 people and a bunch of weapons into a normal ring with a cage obstructing the view. Things go on in this fashion for a good long while until Eric Bischoff comes out from hiding behind the turnbuckle and starts beating his son with a kendo stick. So since we’re already here, why don’t we check on Garrett Bischoff one last time?

Yep, still beaten down, just like he has been for the past 15 minutes. Why do I keep driving this point home over and over, you ask? Well because about 8 seconds after that picture was taken, Garrett stands right up, grabs a guitar, blasts Eric with it and wins the match. He gets in one offense move, no sells 15 minutes of abuse and wins. In doing so he overshadows everyone else here that has been gamely trying to pretend he’s a professional wrestler and inflicts upon his father the weirdest punishment in recent memory. A perfect ending to a perfect series of brainfuckery.

When I was initially looking forward to this show and was looking at potential matches for the card, the storylines on tv seemed to indicate that the card we would get would look like this:

Storm vs. Roode
Hardy vs. Angle
Van Dam w/ Garrett vs. Gunner w/ Eric
Ray vs. Aries
Styles vs. Daniels vs. Kazarian
Kim vs. Sky
Joe and Magnus vs. Machine Guns

Now I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a pretty fucking solid card for me, with no obvious weak points. However I should have suspected that they would just randomly throw everyone into a big clusterfuck match that nobody in their right mind could possibly care about, and completely strip the card bare of any relevant matches or feuds. The resulting mess that has been recounted here was an embarrassment creatively, professionally, artistically, and cookily, (I received zero cookies for watching it.) I can’t thinking of any more painful indictment than to say that this match took parts that could be great and rendered them meaningless and without value.

And get Garrett off television and into developmental for fuck’s sake. Pushing him like this is ruining whatever career he could have possibly had. How can you fuckers not know this when every son of a famous wrestler who has been pushed this way has received EXACTLY THIS RESPONSE. David Sammartino, Scott Putski, Rocky Maivia, Erik Watts, Dustin Rhodes, David Flair IT’S A FUCKING ENDLESS REPEATING CYCLE OF YOU FUCKS SABOTOGUING YOUR CHILDREN. How about you pull Johnny Gargano off of the indies and SAY he’s Eric Bischoff’s kid, and let Garrett go to developmental where he can learn to do more than get a boot up his ass theatrically every night? Since, you know, nobody knows or cares who Eric Bischoff’s kid is unless you present and book him well. But no need to worry, guys. What with the crowd cheering loudly whenever Garrett got hurt, I’m sure he’ll have a long and fruitful career as an over pushed jobber because you fuckheads couldn’t let him take 5 fucking minutes to learn how to impress anyone in the ring. Great. Terrific.

I’ll send him a fruit basket when the fans get done laughing him out of the industry.

Enjoy It While It Lasts, Buddy. The Future is Not Kind.

47 out of 100

Vice: It’s interesting to see TNA kick off the show with this match.

It’s also really bad. These matches are never good, and I don’t understand why no one seems to realize this. War Games is fun and all, but goddamn it doesn’t work with 10 people in TNA’s ring. Just too many damn people. When everyone is going at it, it’s just a clusterfuck that you can’t keep track of. And the only way for people to be able to understand what’s going is to have a number of people knocked down for long stretches of time. And it’s usually silly crap, like a punch or a standard slam that just happens to knock people down for 4 minutes at a time.

To make things worse, the majority of this match revolves around Eric Bischoff and his massively overexposed-for-no-real-reason son, Garrett. It’s awful.

This match was just shit. Half of me is happy that they got it out of the way right off the bat, the other half is perplexed because this match completely killed the crowd. That’s all there is say.

Team Garrett Over Team Eric Following Some Truly Atrocious Bullshit.

Segment 4 – TNA Tag Team Championships – Steel Cage Match – Samoa Joe and Magnus © vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

Vice: On paper, this match sounded amazingly sexy. Joe seems to be motivated and more fresh, Magnus is all kinds of should-be-WWE-champion wonderfulness, and the MOTOR CITY MACHINE GUNS ARE BACK ON PPV. Holy crap.

Cewsh: For those of you who haven’t been following TNA recently and are wondering how in the hell a Magnus/Samoa Joe tag team makes any sense, the answer is that it doesn’t. The story is that months ago, TNA was having a tournament where they just threw random people who weren’t doing anything together and the winners would get a tag team title shot. Samoa Joe and Magnus were one such random team, and completely unexpectedly they wound up having terrific chemistry as a team, despite being about as different as it is possible for two wrestlers to be.

Unexpected Partners. Unstoppable Heroes.

Fast forward to now and they’re the tag team champions, and the team has revitalized both of their careers. Meanwhile, for the past year TNA’s most popular tag team, the Motor City Machine Guns, have been out of action as Chris Sabin recovered from a nasty leg injury. This pretty much left Alex Shelley twiddling his thumbs waiting for an entire year of his prime, as TNA couldn’t come up with anything for ALEX SHELLEY to do on their shows. Makes sense, though, since he’s obviously a scrub compared to Garrett Bischoff. That much is obvious. Anyway, so a just before this show, the Guns made their triumphant return to TNA, and after beating TNA’s only other tag team, (Mexican America,) they were in line for this title shot.

So let’s look at what we have here. The Motor City Machine Guns, who are exciting and beloved, Samoa Joe, who seems reinvigorated and more like his old self by the day, and Magnus, who is maybe the most under pushed man in professional wrestling. Both teams have great chemistry between partners, and with Joe and Magnus being so much bigger, this had the potential to be a fantastic big team/small team match between terrific talents that could really pull this show out of the doldrums.

You know what’s coming next, right?

Vice: Holy crap this was really underwhelming and borderline boring. You have no idea how sad this made me. This should have stolen the show and be one of TNA’s best matches of the year. Hopefully they have a rematch and it is glorious like it should be.

Cewsh: These two teams had one of the most disappointing matches in recent memory. They just kind of meandered around, doing occasional moves to one another until the match started picking up momentum…only to immediately end. Now, I want it to be clear that I’m not actually blaming these guys for this particularly much. I mean, this was only Sabin’s second match back from a year off and leg surgery, so him being tentative and the Guns having ring rust as a duo is completely understandable. The trouble is that since the Guns didn’t have that usual chemistry that completely defines them as a team, they weren’t able to be even remotely as effective as usual. So the hot comebacks weren’t as hot, the fun antics weren’t as fun, and the match just simply wasn’t as good as it could have been. Ideally, this match would never have taken place so soon after Sabin’s return, but I imagine it was hard for TNA to resist putting this match on since they only have THREE FUCKING TAG TEAMS and Joe and Magnus already beat the other one last month.

Whatever the cause, though, this match isn’t anything for anyone to be proud of. A dull match, accompanied by a completely dead crowd, is the last thing this show needed at this point. Instead of saving the day, this match just buried us further.

65 out of 100

Samoa Joe and Magnus Over The Motor City Machine Guns Following The Cyborg Snapline (Half Snapmare, Half Clothesline).

Segment 5 – TNA Television Championship – Steel Cage Match – Devon © vs. Robbie E w/ Big Robbie T

Cewsh: There are times when, in my capacity of a reviewer and chronicler of professional wrestling, I have to reveal things to you that will make your life a sad and barren place. I don’t relish these instances, and I try to avoid them whenever possible. But sometimes the stark truth is unavoidable, and I need to share it with you so that you can make an informed decision about this show. So here goes.

This match lasted approximately 3 minutes and 25 seconds. And it is the one of the best matches on this show.

Seriously.

See, this match, on any other show of decent quality, would be a fine and forgettable interlude. But on THIS show, this match winds up being thrust into the spotlight as some kind of evidence that TNA isn’t actively trying to make our hands spontaneously rebel and start punching us in the face for continuing to watch. All that is here is a short match between an average heel, (with the best bodyguard in the business, of course,) and a very consistent and relatively over babyface. The good guy wins pretty quickly and everyone goes home, and this makes it a marvel here because IT DIDN’T ACTIVELY FAIL. Forget about actual quality here, this match didn’t actively mail us a box with a rabid raccoon in it, so it wins the bronze medal for the show BY DEFAULT. Do you understand how sad that is? How awful, awful, awful a fucking show has to be for this match to be something worth dedicating this much writing time to? And we’re not even halfway through!

Where’s my bourbon?

70 out of 100

Vice: This was short. And whatever.

Crickets all around.

Devon Over Robbie E Following A Wrestling Move.

Segment 6 – Aesthetically Cracked and Loquaciously Whack.

Cewsh: Matt Morgan is backstage and he is all upset at Crimson and whatnot. But I really couldn’t maintain any sort of interest in his shitty promoing for very long, so instead I distracted myself by noticing 3 fun facts about this Matt Morgan Promo. Can I get a snazzy graphic for this?

1. Matt Morgan calls everyone “son” or “kid”. To my knowledge he is not 74 years old, so this is decidedly strange. He also says the word “tonight” a seemingly impossible 8,090,123 times.

2. Matt Morgan dresses in all white at all times, leading me to believe that he is getting bad fashion advice from someone on our list of the Worst Dressed Wrestlers of All Time.

3. To close his promo, Matt Morgan suggests, very angrily, that he is going to go out to the ring and make Crimson his “red headed bitch”. Now that saying is supposed to go “red headed stepchild” and would normally imply that Morgan was going to beat Crimson like the child he doesn’t want. Which is awkwardly fucked up at the best of times. But Morgan’s charming spin on it implies that he’s going to gleefully harm him like he would a red haired woman…which is sort of awkward since Christy Hemme is, like, right there in the ring dude. Seriously.

Segment 7 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Steel Cage Match – Gail Kim © vs. Velvet Sky

Cewsh: A true and just god, please bless Gail Kim for the charity work she is doing in TNA right now. After leaving WWE and coming back to TNA, she was immediately adorned with everything that was even vaguely gold colored that they could fit around her waist and then sent out to wrestle the bastardized remnants of the Knockouts division she had once built herself. Times have not been good. As she has gone down the line of opponents, from Mexican America, to Mickie James, to her own sometime partner Madison Rayne, it has become painfully clear that not only did all of these women have no momentum whatsoever, but none of them had even the slightest bit of support from the crowd. Enter Velvet Sky who, if nothing else, has always been able to elicit cheers from a crowd of neckbeardy dudes who just wanted to see her let metaphorical pigeons loose. After earning a title shot somewhat haphazardly, Velvet set her eyes on her second Knockouts title reign in the hopes that this time, it may actually last a whole month!

Right off the bat, this match is in trouble. Before the bell even rings, Velvet Sky comes out to a decent reaction from the completely dead crowd, only for it to immediately turn into boos and disinterest when she just gets into the ring instead of pandering to them sexily. Gail comes out to silence. Terrific.

They get things started, and to be honest this was a perfectly fine match. Gail very clearly leads the way, and Velvet has enthusiasm if nothing else, and works hard to keep up and make this a good match. Aside from one spot, where Velvet tried a sunset powerbomb off of the top rope and appeared to forget halfway through HOW do perform this move, this was a competent and entertaining little match that didn’t aspire too high and managed to avoid any serious problems. Once again, a match breaking even is a huge compliment by comparison on this show, but it’s also worth mentioning that this may be the highest I’ve rated a women’s match in a major promotion in months. Since this match only gets a 69, that’s more an indictment than a compliment.

69 out of 100

Vice: Velvet Sky just looks weirder and weirder every time I see her. Something is not going right with her. Too many surgeries? Surgeries deteriorating? Aging horrendously despite being young still? It’s something, and it scares me. One year from now she may very well look like a plate of pasta.

They put on a decent match, but it’s not good by any means. Very uninspired.

Gail Kim Over Velvet Sky Following Atomic Polio.

Segment 8 – So We Haven’t Heard From Ric Flair In Awhile…

Cewsh: So much for that I suppose.

In his newest attempt to bury his legacy so far underground that only the Morlocks in the distant future will be able to find it, Ric Flair comes out and immediately starts insulting random people in the audience for no particular reason beyond the fact that this is preferable to NOT insulting people in the audience for no particular reason. Then he runs down Hulk Hogan for being a meany face to his friend Eric Bischoff, which I guess implies that Ric still thinks that Immortal is a thing, even though he’s the only person who is still a member of it. So Hulk Hogan, (who is the current authority figure on the show, if you missed that,) graciously comes down to grant an audience to the knave in question. Hogan calls Ric the greatest wrestler of all time, and Ric responds by immediately trying to build to a match that only an orthopedic surgeon could feasibly look forward to. Still, they build up some solid tension, as the crowd gets ready for a throw down between these two legends. Hogan throws the first punch and they cheer, ready to enjoy this for as long as possible before it makes them sad.

Then, Flair gets knocked out by that first punch and Hogan goes home. Night folks!

“Nah, Nah, You Thought You Were Going To Feel Good About Buying This Show!”



Segment 9 – Steel Cage Match – Crimson vs. Morgan

Vice: Speaking of uninspired, here is a match for the ages. Good lord this was shit. And the ending was horribly anticlimactic and just all kinds of awkward. It makes sense on paper– you have a big face taking on a smaller heel. You want to see Crimson get his ass kicked. But Morgan takes a bad fall and gets his balls crushed by the ring ropes. To get trapped the way he did, he had to purposely, and AWKWARDLY, get himself trapped. It wasn’t logical in any sort of way. It wasn’t like you could understand what the man was going for, but just failed. No. You can watch him stupidly trap himself on purpose because he’s that much of a fucking idiot. Or that terrible of a wrestler. I will accept either.

“Not Turning My Feet Slightly To The Side! Anything But That!”

Cewsh: I don’t want to talk about this match.

I don’t want to talk about how any potential Crimson may or may not have is impossible to find while he’s trapped by the Morgan Monster.

Though The Man Sure Can Strike A Pose.

I don’t want to talk about how the Morgan Monster has claimed a big man wrestler who was a former teammate of his at three different Lockdowns and all three matches were putrid garbage that killed the other guy’s momentum. I don’t want to talk about how hard Crimson seemed to be trying to turn this dumpster fire into a good match. I don’t want to talk about how Matt Morgan stunk up the joint in a way so profound that I haven’t seen anything like it in a major promotion in YEARS. I don’t want to talk about how Morgan interpreted “needing to get his foot trapped in the ropes” as “drape my foot vaguely near a rope and then make noises like a constipated bull”. I don’t want to talk about any part of this match or anything that happened in it.

Dammit.

22 out of 100
Crimson Over Morgan Following A Vicious Attack By The Ring Rope.


Segment 10 – Steel Cage Match – Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle

Cewsh: Say what you will about Jeff Hardy or Kurt Angle, and there really is plenty to say, but when it comes down to shows like this, they always seem to be untouched by the badness around them. Nobody how bad the show is or how dead the crowd is, it never seems to touch their matches and they virtually always turn in 70+ performances, despite all the obstacles arrayed against them. It’s incredibly admirable on a normal TNA show, and on this one it’s like getting punched in the stomach 5 times and then getting to have sex with Salma Hayek.

This match isn’t hugely significant, and these guys have wrestled a number of times of late, and always produce a match filled with good chemistry, entertaining action, and a hot finish. They do exactly that here, as they wake up the dead crowd, give everyone a good time, and then give us the first moment of the night worth waking up to see as Jeff Hardy does a Swanton off the top of the cage which is so fucking graceful and gorgeous looking that it makes 90% of all other cage jumps look like dogshit.

wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

This isn’t a match that I’m going to rave on about for ages, but it was good and infinitely refreshing. That’s all they had to do, and just like every other time when their demons aren’t getting in the way, that’s just what they did.

79 out of 100

Vice: I actually kind of enjoyed this match. Sort of. It was pretty decent for the first half, but then picked up towards the end. Special? Not really. Swanton off the top of the cage for the win? Yes indeed.

Jeff Hardy Over Kurt Angle Following Flippidoodahs.

Segment 11 – TNA Knockout’s Tag Team Championships – Steel Cage Match – ODB and Eric Young © vs. Mexican America

Cewsh: WHY?!

When watching this match, that was the word that reverberated continuously through my mind. Why on Earth did I sit and watch a man with the gimmick of being an idiot and his eye roll worthy wife wrestle thoroughly squash two wrestlers who have the potential to be something worthwhile? Why is there a storyline in this company that resulted in a man holding a Knockout’s championship belt? Why does TNA think that this Eric Young/ODB thing is somehow crowd pleasing? What possible sense does it make to have every woman in TNA suddenly want to fuck Eric Young? Why did this match need to be on this show? Why did Zordon not give me the Mighty Morphing Power Ranger power to destroy this entire promotion and everything in it when ODB beat two women at once while Eric Young was licking the cage?

WHY DO I STILL NOT HAVE MY CEWSH REVIEWS RUM GODDAMMIT?!

SHARING IS CARING, LADY.

31 out of 100

Vice: Believe it or not, this match is shittier than this review of mine. So, really bad. Really, really, really bad. And because I love starting religious wars, I will say that this match is proof there is no god. He wouldn’t allow this.

ODB And Eric Young Over Mexican America Following Something That Vaguely Resembled A Wrestling Match.

Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Steel Cage Match – Bobby Roode © vs. James Storm

Cewsh: Congratulations, dear reader! You have managed to survive the harrowing trials presented by even learning of the events of this show in print and picture form and have finally arrived at the only worthwhile match on this entire show.

Now I’m not just saying that this is the only worthwhile match on this show to be a mean internet jerkface. This is genuinely the only match on TNA Lockdown 2012 that TNA cared enough to actually promote beforehand to any extent, and this is the match they put every second of video editing time into. TNA basically made it clear from the outset that this was the only match they had that they thought that anyone would want to see, and that since they didn’t think It’d be fair to let it last for 3 straight hours, everything up to this has been time filling nonsense. But in fairness to them, there’s a reason why they built this entire show around this match, and that’s because backstory leading in here was just really fucking good.

If we look back to before Bound For Glory last year, James Storm and Bobby Roode together comprised perhaps they most lauded and respected active tag team in the wrestling industry as Beer Money. But as the Bound For Glory series, which would lead to a title match for the winner, began, it became clear that both guys were eyeing singles glory for themselves. They made a friendly agreement to do whatever it took to get to the title, and when Bobby won the BFG series, James supported him, even though he was crushed. But when Bobby made it to Bound For Glory against Kurt Angle and LOST, he was beyond devastated at the opportunity that he had let slip through his fingers. What made it a million times worse was that James Storm promptly won the title in an impromptu match the very following week. So Bobby Roode weighed his options as he stood at a crossroads in his career. He could either stick by his friend, and try to find singles glory where he could in the shadow of his now more successful partner, or he could change the script entirely.

One beer bottle shot later, and his decision was made. With that, Bobby Roode turned a friendly exhibition into the opening salvo of a war as he took the belt from his best friend’s waste and christened himself “The It Factor.” In the months to come, Roode became an egomaniac as he held off assaults from Jeff Hardy and Sting, and began openly antagonizing the company as a whole, and claiming that he was bigger than everything and everyone. All the while, James Storm was biding his time, and developing his superkick finisher into a deadly weapon that could come out of nowhere and beat anyone at any time. He bested Kurt Angle and AJ Styles and finally he felt he was ready to take back the prize that his former best friend had stolen from him, in a match that wouldn’t let Bobby run. So now they’re finally meeting to have it out once and for all, and determine who the true star really is. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re in James Storm’s hometown.

I’m not going to get into the details of what made this a great match. Frankly, you owe it to yourself to watch this match on your own and see how absolutely brilliant these two were at telling a story that built on their rivalry and on their opposing styles. The way Roode treated the Last Call superkick like it was a laser death ray every time Storm went to go for it was especially tremendous, and built that move as such a dangerous thing that by the end I was BEGGING for Storm to hit it. But the reason I’ll bypass the match to some degree is because what I really want to talk about is the finish. It goes down like this. Roode has Storm down and bloody and is mocking him incessantly, as Storm seems down and out. Storm tries to fire back with a Last Call but accidentally catches Brian Hebner instead. Then Roode goes and tells Earl Hebner to fetch him a beer, and Earl does, showing no sign that he just noticed his son get demolished not 5 feet from where he’s been standing.

Introducing: Scumbag Earl.

Roode smashes Storm with the bottle, but Storm gets a shoulder up at the last second.

Ow.

Somehow, Storm gets to his feet and manages to connect with the Last Call, and sends Roode tumbling through the ropes into the cage. Dazed, and beaten half to shit, Storm stumbles up and when he sees Roode standing, he instinctively goes with his best weapon and demolishes Roode with another Last Call superkick. But Roode was right up against the cage when he did it, so as the kick connects, Roode falls right through the cage door and onto the floor outside, completely unconscious. But unconscious or not, this makes him the winner, and Roode retains his title unjustly.

40 Pounds Of Golds Makes A Surprisingly Good Nipple Blanket.

Now this finish has been discussed very hotly by a large number of people who saw it, and the vast majority of them hated that it wasn’t a clean finish. I will say to you honestly that I LOVED this finish despite all of that, and the reasons why are simple. First of all, this finish puts James Storm’s finisher like it’s a cannon shot from the deck of a fucking battleship and makes Storm look like a wrecking machine. Second of all, this allows Roode to continue on his tremendous growth as TNA champion, which is the best thing this company has done in years. And thirdly, this finish 100% sets up another match between these two down the road that should be even better since it can build on what was here. This match didn’t solve any of their problems, but not Storm has to go back to the back of the line and work his way back up to face the rival who he will never be rid of.

Better Luck Next Time, Buddy.

This is how career long rivalries get started, and TNA hasn’t had a rivalry of this kind of sustainable magnitude since Joe/Angle over 4 years ago.

Make no mistake, for as bad as the rest of the show was, this was marvelous. If there was a way to watch only these two guys and what they do in TNA from this point forward I would tune in every week. Because improbably, TNA has managed to take two midcarders and turn them into the hottest things in the wrestling industry while the rest of their show burns in the background.

What can I say? It’s TNA.

 
90 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval

Vice: Man oh man.

For me, this was like coming home at the end of one of the worst days ever, and finding Samus 1 sitting in my room. I take her helmet off, and she’s wearing a Shark Boy 2 mask. I take her armor off, and she’s dressed as Chell 3. I take the Shark Boy mask off and it’s Daffers 4, and she is pleading to have sex with me to Take My Breath Away 5. And I receive a text message from my girlfriend 6 saying to go for it.

1 – Metroid heroine extraordinaire
2 – Awesome wrestler of shell yeah proportions
3 – Portal heroine, AKA Fatty Fatty No Parents
4 – Daffney, the love of my life
5 – Top Gun Soundtrack
6 – Should be the love of my life, but Daffers she is not.

This match was awesome. I loved it. Will most likely be top 10 TNA material for 2012.

Bobby Roode Over James Storm Following A Nice Trip. We’ll See Him Next Fall.
——————————————–
Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Do you want to know how lame and nondescript this show was? Here is what it says on the actual Wikipedia page for Lockdown, describing the stories surrounding the show:

“Lockdown featured eight professional wrestling matches that involved different wrestlers from pre-existing scripted feuds and storylines. Wrestlers portrayed villains, heroes, or less distinguishable characters in the scripted events that build tension and that culminate in a wrestling match or series of matches.”

So someone took the time to update the winners and losers, put up the show’s official poster, chronicle the date and location for the show, and then, when they sat down to write about what the shit actually happened leading up to the show and on it, they drew such a monumental blank that they wrote the equivalent of “Wrestling happened. Fuck, stop bothering me.”

The fucked up thing here is that I was actually EXCITED for this show. I had started watching Impact again in preparation for this review and I liked what I saw. I love Bobby Roode as champion right now. I really like the development of Crimson, Xima Ion and the tag team of Joe and Magnus. I was excited for the return of the Motor City Machine Guns, and to see Gail Kim keep on defending the Knockouts title. So when Vice and I excitedly started the show, I was so, so ready to get back involved in TNA again. To be a FAN of theirs again. In response to that, TNA provided me with such a hearty kick to the balls, that I think you’ll find my vas deferens somewhere in low orbit. I have wondered, over the past few months, if Vice, Mrs. Cewsh and I made the right decision in refusing to review all monthly TNA shows anymore. After this show, those doubts are erased. Utterly.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 59.13 out of 100

Vice’s Final Score:

Vice: Overall this was a fucking lousy show. So bad that I can’t even really bring myself to bitch about the awfulness of it, or even really go into detail about the good parts. This was like the reverse of most TNA PPVs. The undercard was shit and the main event was fantastic, and they were out of the Impact Zone and the crowd was even worse.

So strange. I don’t know what’s going on here.

Why did we review this again, Cewsh?

Cewsh: Because I hate us. I hate us SO MUCH.

Vice’s Final Score: 42 out of 100 (40 of which are thanks to the main event)

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hoped you enjoyed our review of TNA Go Fuck Yourself 2012. We’re almost 100% certain that this review is the most fun that it is possible have in any way regarding the show. Next week we’re going EXTREEEEEEEEEME as WWE rolls out it’s yearly tribute to chair and table manufacturers worldwide with WWE Extreme Rules 2012. I hear some MMA guy will be there, so that’s probably a big deal or something. But until then, remember to keep reading and, as always, be good to one another.

WWE Wrestlemania XXVIII

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Wrestlemania XXVIII

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the always delightfully insane Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we finally come to the conclusion of the wrestling year with the single biggest event in professional wrestling, WWE Wrestlemania 28. This year WWE seem to have outdone themselves with stars aplenty and feuds galore. We’ll see two of the biggest names in wrestling history do battle to decide which is the bigger star, two legends duke it out to end an era, and two smark love affairs collide. There will also be a Kane match. This, along with all the pomp and circumstance implied therein, can be yours for the low low price of simply continuing to read after this paragraph is over.

Still with us?

Good. Because not only do we have the big show, (also The Big Show,) to consider, but we’ve rounded up the classic dream team of Cewsh and Vice to tackle it, as well as a very special guest viewing her very first ever pay per view. She’s seen the days of Wahoo McDaniel and Ric Flair, she’s perhaps the Rock’s biggest fan on this or any planet and hey, she gave birth to the greatest wrestling reviewer on the planet. I could only be talking about Mama Cewsh making her reviewing debut, and we have not told her anything about anyone on this show, so it’s all first impressions. Boy oh boy does she ever have some opinions to share. So lace up your boots and queue up your music, because it’s time for the show.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Now before we get started, there’s the little matter of the Doctor Extreme Cup to consider. You see, before the show began, Vice, Mrs. Cewsh, Mama Cewsh, and I all placed bets on who we thought would win each match, and how we thought they would win, (Pin, Submission or Disqualification.) The way the game works is that each match is worth one point if you correctly guess the winner, and then you can get one additional point for guessing the way the match ended. Whoever ends things with the most points will formally be named the champion of the Wrestlemania Prediction contest and will be crowned the first annual Cewsh Reviews official Doctor Extreme. Why Doctor Extreme? Because they were the unofficial sponsor of our Wrestlemania party, and provided the caffeine power necessary to make this review. Remember, there are a lot of doctors out there, but only one of them takes flavor TO THE EXTREEEEEEEEEME.

Ahem.

So with each match review, we will also be registering the Prediction each reviewer made and the points they earned for doing so, leading to the grand champion at the end. Hell, the winner may even get a free 2 liter of Doctor Extreme. I DON’T KNOW.

Now onwards to the opening video. You might be amazed to learn that it focuses primarily on John Cena and the Rock. It is also quite good. I could belabor the point on and on about the editing and the music and all that, but the is a Wrestlemania video package made by the best production people in the wrestling business. The odds of it being anything other than stirring aren’t anything I would bet on.

Segment 2 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Daniel Bryan © w/ AJ vs. Sheamus

Cewsh: Ah, for the second year in a row we open things up with a World Heavyweight Championship title match featuring the Royal Rumble winner. I’m not going to make a big dramatic point about the Royal Rumble winner should be presented as being more important than this, because this really isn’t that big of a deal, but between pushing the Rumble winner’s title match down the card and having them consistently lose the match as of late, the match is in danger of losing some prestige. Not that losing the match is a concern here, of course. Both guys make their way to ringside, AJ gives Daniel Bryan a kiss and then Bryan walks directly into a Brogue Kick to end the match.

Wait, what?

Here Is The Entire Match In Gif Form.

Yes, apparently WWE decided to begin this Wrestlemania with a squash match. This isn’t inherently the worst idea, after all, people do like to see a dominant babyface absolutely crush a hated heel sometimes. But not only did this come completely out of nowhere, and not only was it a championship match with a month of build, but it was even done so poorly that it didn’t even have the desired effect. Everything from a total lack of pomp and circumstance for the match itself, to the announcers treating it like Bryan had never had a chance in the first place, to Bryan himself seeming to no sell the whole affair by just wandering off without even looking overly mad contributed to what may be the biggest blunder WWE has made in years.

Look, it’s not like Bryan needed to win. Hell, the match didn’t even need to go longer than 4 or 5 minutes. In fact, Sheamus beating him soundly was the best thing for both of them. Bryan can be petty and blame AJ for more heat, Sheamus looks like a dominant champion before he feeds into feuds with strong heels and everybody benefits. But not even Sheamus benefits from this, as it makes him look like someone who got lucky with a sucker punch. And no matter how Irish he may be, luck aint the thing he should be known for.

This was a disaster from just about any standpoint you could imagine. I would feel comfortable calling this the worst opening match in Wrestlemania history. And that is saying something. Though you know, maybe i’m being unfair. Let’s put it to the fans. Do you guys think this match was bullshit?

There You Have It.

30 out of 100

Vice: The show kicking off with Daniel Bryan and Sheamus was no surprise at all. You’ve got to space out the title matches, and this is a great way to get the crowd red hot right off the bat. So, we’re off to a good start. However, typing that took longer than the entire fucking match. Yeah. 18 seconds, the match was. I can kind of understand what WWE was trying to do, but it is seriously not what they should have done. It was just fucking embarrassing what they did here. I don’t care that Daniel Bryan is a bit of a shady heel and needs his comeuppance via foot to the face.

There are times when you can sacrifice something potentially great for one of those “MOMENTS” that WWE loves, but this really should not have been one of those moments. I’m not going to go down the “ZOMG BYRON DRAGONSON IS BURRRRRIIIIEEEEED” route, because this is not a burial, but fucking hell. This was awful, and a magnificent way to completely and utterly kill my mood.

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

On Sheamus…

– “There’s a Bozo the Clown vibe coming from this guy.”
– “He’s not being lubed up backstage, he’s being powdered.”
– “I have a bit of a problem with the anus cross. It’s not working for me.”

Looking Forward To Seeing The Term “Anus Cross” In The Site Hits For This Month.


On AJ…

– “She has ass implants. Oh come on, you can’t weigh 12 pounds and have an ass like J’Lo!”

On The Match…

– “18 seconds? That’s not even worth them putting clean panties on.”

Vice’s Prediction: Sheamus Via Pinfall (+2 points)
Cewsh’s Prediction: Daniel Bryan Via Disqualification (0 points)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: Sheamus Via Pinfall (+2 points)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: Sheamus Via Pinfall (+2 points)

Sheamus Over Daniel Bryan Following The Brouge Kick.

Segment 3 – Team Johnny Is Backstage AnHOLY SHIT LOOK AT OTUNGA!

Cewsh: As the title of this segment implies, Team Johnny are backstage getting fired up for their match as the Miz tries to position himself as team captain. This is decently diverting for a moment until David Otunga wanders on screen looking like he ate Chris Masters.

!

I don’t know when David Otunga went from an absurdly jacked guy to a ludicrously jacked guy, but despite myself I have to say that between his look now and his rapidly developing promo skills, the man is marking himself out as a future star. There’s just something about the guy now, and it says something really interesting that in a room with the Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger and Mark Henry, it’s Otunga who demands attention. Those other four are former World champions. The future of DO could be quite bright indeed.

Segment 4 – Kane vs. Randy Orton

Vice: Remember how I just mentioned that my mood was utterly killed? The perfect way to bring me back into the show, guns blazing, is not Kane vs. Randy Orton. I assure you. Why did these guys get 11 minutes? These two are simply a horrible combination of wrestlers. Kane is slow and plodding, partly because he is a monster, partly because he is old and not exactly agile. Orton takes “methodical” to a whole new level of boring every time I see him wrestle. I know it’s kind of his gimmick, but could they have picked a worse gimmick for the guy? Actually, it’s possible, but it’s still pretty atrocious. And Orton is one of those guys that does not seem to do very well when he’s not with someone who is better/smarter than he is, and Kane does not fit the bill, despite his experience. So clearly when you put these two guys in the ring together, you’re not going to get fireworks. Why is this match even happening?

Cewsh: The simple answer to that question would be to tell you about the half assed storyline where Kane decided to set his sights on Orton because…he’s sort of like…Cena? Actually, it’s never particularly clear why Kane just randomly targets Randy Orton, but it is clear that Orton doesn’t particularly appreciate it. So they spent about a month just playing tag all around the backstage area and now they’re having a match to determine which of them…is…Christ, I don’t know, guys. I generally think of myself as being pretty good at piecing these stories together, but a mouse could starve on what they’re giving me here. The truth is that Kane had nothing to do after Cena and Orton got hurt early in the Wrestlemania build and had nothing to do when he came back too. So there you go. Just names on a sheet.

The funny thing about this match is that it actually succeeds in making Orton look lazy and out of shape while making Kane look active and energetic, which is something that should be pretty much impossible. I don’t know whether Orton slowed himself down to suit Kane’s style of match or if Kane was just busting his ass here, but Orton seemed to be moving at half speed while Kane jumped around more than he has in years. The result of the heel jumping around and the face being dull and boring is, SURPRISE, a dreary match. Once again, Randy Orton has been placed in a position where it would be nearly impossible for him to succeed. And while this time it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it really isn’t fair to him to have to show up to work every day to see what lump of shit he’s going to have to try to get a decent feud out of.

Randy Orton is not Shawn Michaels. He can’t carry a lawn chair to a decent match whenever he is called upon to do so. He’s a special talent, but he needs some protecting. This wasn’t it.

64 out of 100

Vice: The only interesting thing about this match was Kane getting the victory. I was expecting the chokeslam to get reversed into a massive fuckoff RKO, so I was shocked when Kane actually hit it and got the 3 count.

“Hi Randy, It’s Randy. Remember Those RKOs We Do? Yeah, This Would Have Been A Good Time.”

Was this a thank you for all of his years of suffering in WWE and he’s going to walk into the sunset soon, or is he actually going to get a bigger push now? Either way, it’s Kane, and I have lots of problems getting invested in anything he does.

That said, I still find this to be an extraordinary promo:

This is a bad start for Wrestlemania.

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

During Kane’s Entrance…

– “He looks like who? Cookie Monster? Elmo? Yeah Elmo!”

Oh Yeah, I Can See The Resemblance.


On Randy Orton…

– “He’s well lubed.”
– “I like the way he wears his panties. Not too low.”
– “He looks like a baby version of Rock from behind. Can you deteeeect what the pebble is sautéing?!”

Vice’s Prediction: Randy Orton Via Pinfall (0 points)
Cewsh’s Prediction: Randy Orton Via Pinfall (0 points)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: Randy Orton Via Pinfall (0 points)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: Randy Orton Via Submission (0 points)

Kane Over Randy Orton Following A Super Chokeslam.

Segment 5 – Quick! Think Of The Most Random Television Personality Who Could Possibly Be In The Next Segment!

Cewsh: Time’s up. Who did you have? Arsenio Hall? Charlie Sheen? Alf? All good guesses, but the answer we were looking for was “Some guy from Deadliest Catch”. Why was he here, you ask? Why, he was advising Mick Foley and Santino Marella on how to properly eat crab legs. Now, the absurdity of anyone thinking Mick Foley needs advice on how to eat is ridiculous enough on its own, but our friend from Deadliest catch isn’t here to promote anything. He doesn’t appear to know either wrestler. Hell, he didn’t even catch the crab legs. As far as we know, Mick and Santino were sitting down in the cafeteria about to eat dinner when this random old guy wandered in and started telling them about proper crab cracking technique. Perhaps in protest to his interruption, Mick and Santino then pull out Mr. Socko and Mr. Cobra, respectively, and violently attack the crab legs in front of them. Then the Deadliest Catch guy gets in on the fun by giving a crab an elbow drop. All of this prompts Ron Simmons to wander in and say “Damn”.

Shouldn’t He Have Moved Up To “Fuck” By Now?

I can’t accurately convey to you the singular feeling of despair contained within this segment. This was literally a 3 minute piece of the most important show of the year that WWE chose to fill with an irrelevant old man lecturing two beloved wrestlers on proper seafood etiquette. I’m straining to think of a more preposterous use of these minutes, but even Big Dick Johnson running in would have only IMPROVED the segment.

At least then we could have seen the look of horrified confusion on the old man’s face.

Segment 6 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Cody Rhodes © vs. The Big Show

Cewsh: I will admit to a certain amount of ambivalence on my part towards the Smackdown side of things throughout much of this past year. Due to injuries, injuries and more injuries the show has lacked the star power to keep me consistently dialed in and focused on what they were up to. But all the while this has been going on, I have been keeping close tabs on Cody Rhodes over the course of this past year and have watched him transform himself from a bizarre and unmanageable character into something that could really take him somewhere. He has a look all his own, some of the best entrance music in wrestling, and some over signature moves, and even more than that, he just has the ability to catch my eye and make me pay attention. That’s a rare currency and he spends it well. Now along with his transformation has come an Intercontinental Championship reign that has either been a complete waste of time or a only mostly a complete waste of time depending on who you ask. He’s defended it about 3 times in almost a full year and while he’s done his best with what he’s been given, he really hasn’t been given much.

That brings us to now, as Rhodes gets to defend his title against the Big Show after weeks of mocking the big guy’s legendary run of failure and embarrassment at Wrestlemania. Now Show has also had an interesting year in his feuds with Henry and Bryan, and he played a huge part in helping both of those men to be as high on the card as they are now. But here, he’s slumming it and going after Rhodes because why? That’s right, because neither of them have anything else to do.

This match is between a giant and a guy who is distinctly NOT a giant, so you can imagine how things proceed. The Big Show comes out ready to kill Rhodes for embarrassing him and Rhodes runs the fuck away as much as he possibly can. Inevitably Show catches him and plays the drums on Rhodes’ chest while grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Rhodes fights back and surprises Show with a ton of offense aimed at the Big Knee and with a Beautiful Disaster kick to the head, but it’s not like these guys have 20 minutes to work with. Show shrugs it all off pretty much immediately, and offers Cody Rhodes a homemade Knuckle Sandwich, leading to the Big Show actually having a singles title for more than 10 seconds for the first time in ages.

Oh, And Let’s Not Forget The NUT SPEAR.

To be honest, this is a pretty anticlimactic way for Rhodes’ extended IC title reign to end, but since he may as well have been carrying the European title for all that it actually was used on the shows, I can’t blame them for having Show win here. It’s a happy ending for the Big Show after a tough year win-loss wise, and Cody Rhodes can recharge and focus his sights a little higher as the Smackdown Main Event slowly climbs off of the injured list. Hopefully by this time next year he’ll find his way into a match he might have a hope of winning.

71 out of 100

Vice: This wasn’t awful, and I guess it makes sense for Cody to lose here considering the feud, but I don’t think he should be dropping his title to someone like Big Show. I wish there was more to say about this match, but that’s.. it.

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

On Cody Rhodes’s Outfit…

Cewsh: “Is this outfit an improvement for him from the picture?”
Mama Cewsh: “No! It’s just penis sticking out!”

It’s Time For Everyone’s Favorite Game. Spot the Cock!

Vice’s Prediction: Big Show Via Disqualification (+1 point)
Cewsh’s Prediction: Cody Rhodes Via Disqualification (0 points)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: Cody Rhodes Via Pinfall (0 points)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: Big Show Via Pinfall (+2 points)

The Big Show Over Cody Rhodes Following The WMD.

Segment 7 – Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Eve and Beth Phoenix

Cewsh: Now we move on to our requisite celebrity match of the evening, as Maria Menounos (from Dancing With the Stars and the Today Show) gets in the ring to fight things out with our beloved Divas. This feud actually got started when Beth crashed a tv show Maria was on and talked trash to her for no reason that I’m aware of, and Maria agreed to meet her for a match here at the Battle of the Network Stars. Now, in case you were wondering, Maria is one of those celebrities who is actually a huge fan of wrestling and actually gives a shit, so suffice to say that she actually gives this match her best shot and looks more competent than anyone could reasonably expect of her. Especially since ALSO working against her are such factors as a broken rib (which she visibly clutches throughout the match) and having to work a match against Eve, who honestly appeared more lost than Maria did.

The interesting thing here for me was the half a minute that Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly spent in the ring together, during which the pace immediately picked up and the wrestling immediately became infinitely more competent and entertaining. Then Eve tagged back and failed to be part of a successful roll up. I’m not trying to bury anyone here, and I think Eve has visibly been trying her ass off for years, but if this match doesn’t spell out the difference between a capable women’s wrestler and an incompetent one then I would struggle to find a better example for you. Beth and Kelly together have really good matches. Maria went above and beyond any expectations. And yet this match was really just not good. Someone has to take the blame.

Take a guess.

64 out of 100

Vice: The only good thing about this match was when Kelly and Maria did the double stink face to Eve, and Maria got SO much make-up on her ass that it looked like she actually pooped herself for one of the nastiest stink faces of all time.

No Comment.

Kudos to Maria for sticking it out with legitimate injuries, but lordy this was a shit match. And Maria had the poop stain to prove it.

And thus concludes the first hour of Wrestlemania. And fucking hell it was hard to sit through.

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

On The Match…

– “This is the worst of the worst.”

Vice’s Prediction: Kelly and Maria Via Pinfall (+2 points)
Cewsh’s Prediction: Kelly and Maria Via Disqualification (+1 point)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: Kelly and Maria Via Pinfall (+2 points)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: Beth and Eve Via Submission (0 points)

Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos Over Eve and Beth Phoenix Following A Roll Up From Maria To Eve.

Segment 8 – On An Unrelated Note, Zebra Stripe Gum Is Amazing.

Cewsh: We throw backstage to Shawn Michaels being interviewed by Matt Striker (wait, he still works here?) Shawn talks about how he’s the special referee tonight and how he really has no idea as to who he’s going to be supporting or what he’s going to have to do. Now one might think that the smart money lies on Michaels supporting his best friend Triple H in beating the man who ended his career, or that Michaels will side with the Undertaker so that if he couldn’t break the Streak nobody could. That’s reasonable, but I mean, have you ever seen a match where Shawn Michaels was the special guest referee?

Honestly, I don’t like anybody’s odds.

 
Segment 9 – Hell in a Cell – The Undertaker vs. Triple H w/ Special Referee Shawn Michaels

Cewsh: Here it is folks, the culmination of anywhere between 3 and 5 years (your mileage may vary) of some of the best and most effective storytelling in wrestling history. Tonight, Triple H and the Undertaker will go to war in the match that they share equal dominance of to end their era once and for all. So what brought us to this point, where these three men find themselves so entwined? To put it simply, everything did.

In recent years Triple H, Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker all found themselves at a crossroad in their careers. They had all done everything there reasonably was to do and had begun to work less and seek the limelight less as their careers moved towards the twilight. They still had good fun as Triple H and Michaels has with DX and could still win titles as the Undertaker did frequently, but the writing was on the wall, and if we could see it, then all the more could they. But the beginning of the end truly began when Ric Flair chose Shawn Michaels as the man he wanted to face in what proved to be his final match at Wrestlemania 24. From there I will turn things over to our resident historian Michael C.

MichaelC: So once upon a time there was a wrestler. Let’s call him The Wrestler, or, if you prefer, Ric Flair. Enough articles to fill a Bible were written over the decades about his greatness as a wrestler, and his ability to turn any opponent into a Herculean opposition besides him. A champion who was the measuring stick.

Then he got old.

And his boss, like Father Time, decided enough was enough. “The next match you lose, you’re finished!” References to Old Yeller. Then the old champion turned back the hands of time seemingly as easy as he turned a leg lock to his advantage, and went on his biggest winning streak in years. With WrestleMania around the corner, he could have asked for a match with any slob to keep his paychecks coming. Instead, Ric Flair chose a match with his pal and icon, Shawn Michaels.

As you’d expect from a match with an old veteran against the younger, fitter, wrestler at the peak of his powers, Old Yeller went and got shot. Shawn’s parting words – “I’m sorry. I love you.” – before kicking the head off his one time mentor was the classic finish to a killer career. (And we shall speak of no heathenous TNA here)

There were some who thought Shawn should have negated on the trigger, like he seemed he would have done at one point prior to the finish. Flair was old enough to have many younger men who called him their mentor. Enter Batista. He wasn’t very happy about Shawns actions, and swiftly proved it in a series of matches where he kicked Shawn from one side of the country to the other. Much loved faced Chris Jericho offered his services as referee in one of the first encounters, which ended when Shawn feigned injury to catch Batista unaware.

A feigned injury which led to the mother of all ass kicings, from Batista to Shawn – “I don’t love you and I’m not sorry” – at the Extreme Rules PPV of 2008. Batista would snap at Shawn the rest of the year, till finally forgiving him sometime before Survivor Series. But that was the least of Shawn’s issues.

For something had snapped inside the mind of fan favorite Chris Jericho. He started convinced Shawn was faking his injury against Batista, to becoming convinced it was legit once Shawn claimed it wasn’t. Finally, Jericho snapped, attacking Shawn and dressing down the fans for their hypocritical nature. Jericho’s attack on Shawn gave hints of Shawn’s on his one time tag partner Marty Jannetty. They had a blood feud through the Summer of 2008, with Jericho keeping the upper hand throughout. Despite some Shawn victories – Unforgiven 2008 comes to mind – Jericho came out on top and became a World Champion with his new found fury channeled into his own in ring performances. Shawn had come out on the wrong end of two feuds, which both simmered from his ending of Ric Flair. He was on a downward spiral. He even got pinned by The Miz on RAW!

Enter JBL. It wasn’t just in the ring Shawn was on the spiral, but financially too (not helped by his losing most of the high profile matches that year, if we go by the time tested WWF/E winners purse rule) and so he became an employee of the millionaire JR Ewingalike. JBL wanted to be World Champion once more, but his sad looking Virgil was unwilling to fully let that happen, so cost him his best chance for the title at the 2009 Royal Rumble. So JBL took on Shawn at No Way Out, in a winner takes all scenario. Shawn rose to the occasion for the first time in a while, and JBL was soon vanquished from the WWE. As for Shawn, he’d refound his mojo after two major feud defeats and being humiliated by the rich Texan. It was no WrestleMania season, and there was only one thing he could do.

Take on the Streak.

Then after the slight detour with JBL, the old cocky Shawn is back in full force. He’s going to end the Streak. No questions about it. He even goes as far as to mock the Undertakers whole regalia, complete with his own spin on The Undertakers epic entrance. Yet he fails to win, despite hitting Taker with everything but the kitchen sink, and Taker nearly killing himself in the process. Getting so close but so far drives Shawn over the top, and he does everything to get the rematch, including costing Taker the title. He even puts his career on the line.

And loses.

Then, in steps Shawn’s buddy Triple H. His whole shtick over a large part of the decade was proving he not only stepped out of Shawn’s shadow since 1998, but surpassed him as a wrestler. So what better to do to prove it, then to take on The Streak and end it? Triple H loses, but kills Undertaker, who barely escapes. For the rest of the year, Triple H will bring up that fact. Now, when Undertaker comes back, Triple H barely acknowledges the man. He is superior in his belief that he is superior to Taker after last year’s match, regardless of the decision.

So he will take on the 2nd streak match in a row, just like Shawn did. The tragedy of Triple H, is that he spent ages trying to prove he had surpassed Shawn, without realizing that what all the matches together proved was that they had become EQUALS, and this in itself was an amazing feat. But he was too overcome by his own pride to see it, until far too late in his mentor and best friends career. So with the Shawn element AND how the story has been built up since Mania 27, the most likely scenario for me is that Triple H has to fall, just like Shawn did. For so much pride, he falls.

It’s been WWE’s attempt at War and Peace. And all the more epic for it.

Note: Having watched WrestleMania 28, MichaelC apologies whole heartedly for underselling the magnitude of this match.

Cewsh: And boom goes the dynamite.

So with a back story so rooted in the very foundation of the WWE itself and what it means to be a wrestler, what could possibly lie in store for us here?

Vice: Firstly, I was so glad that JR came out to call this match. Even if he was speaking Portuguese, I’d still be happy. You just need the man’s voice calling a match like this, because King and Cole are one of the worst commentating duos of all time.

Cewsh: I have heard the Insane Clown Posse commentate wrestling matches, and even they make Cole and Lawler sound like a xylophone in a meat grinder.

Vice: As for the match, I am incredibly mixed about it.

The match was so horribly disjointed that it stunned me. I didn’t feel like there was any flow to it. It starts off with two old guys beating each other up in moderately slow motion, and it’s very plain and rather generic. No real intensity. Just going through the motions, I’d say. Considering all the build and the past matches and this possibly being Taker’s last match, I was thinking there’d be more emotion at the beginning. Like, none of this stuff was BAD. But it was just kind of there. And then ALL OF A SUDDEN it pulled a complete 180 and went into this crazy dramatic movie scene as Triple H is beating Taker dead with the chair and Shawn not knowing what to do. I really wish it was built up to better, as it was good stuff. It’s just that it was such a sudden change that I couldn’t help but think that the first few minutes of the match was just filler and two old guys just faffing about, waiting for the cue to switch gears. It reminded me a LOT of the Wrestlemania match between Shawn Michaels and Cena. How they had a normal wrestling match for like 10 minutes, and then all of a sudden they were both suddenly dead, barely being able to stand, fighting on their knees, falling over from normal hits, acting like they’ve been duking it out for 80 minutes. So yeah, Taker and Triple H killed time until they decided to hit the EPIC button.

The drama was ever so slightly cheesy at times, but it was a fucking great story and I loved what they were doing. It told a really great story with Undertaker being superhuman, Triple H ready to practically kill Undertaker to prove a point, and Shawn being torn between the two people and being human with his emotions and not wanting to make the judgment call that decides someone’s fate/career. Undertaker putting the Hell’s Gate on Shawn to take him out of the match for a while and make sure he doesn’t throw the towel in on Undertaker’s behalf was pretty damn great. So all of this was great.

What? How Did You Expect Shawn Michaels To Sell Emotion?

And then shit went in an entirely new direction after that. I don’t want to be that guy who is like “pshawwwww, I knew it wasn’t the finish” when Michaels superkicked Taker into the Pedigree, but I didn’t think it was the finish at all. Call it a gut feeling, or just not being into the match like I should have been for whatever reason, but I didn’t get anxious or antsy, my heart didn’t stop or go crazy, I didn’t gravitate towards the TV. I didn’t even bother looking at the damn television when Triple H went for the cover. I just stared at Cewsh, who was at the edge of his seat, mouth wide open, hands clenched, eyes locked on the TV in complete disbelief, and his heart beating through his goddamn chest. I just wanted to see his reaction when Taker kicked out, and it was totally worth it. It was kind of like WWE’s replays (WHICH I FUCKING HATE), where someone is doing a flip or dive or something, and it’s in suuuuuupeeeeeer sloooooooooooow moooooooootiiiioooooooooon foooooooor theeeeeeeeeee fiiiiiiiiiiirsssssst haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalf aaaaand theeeeeen allofasuddenitgoesbacktonormalspeedwhichmakesitsee mlikeitisgoingatthreethousandpercentspeedandyouhav enoideawhatisgoingonbecauseitissospeedyandahdjanck aa. Totally worth it though.

Recreation: “HOLYSHITWHATTHEFUCKWHAAAA”

And then after that, it went in a completely different direction. And then a completely different direction.

And then it ended a bit anticlimactically.

The story? Brilliant.
The moments? Damn fine.
The execution? Massively flawed.
The flow? Non-existent.

I almost want to say that this was like a television match. There were “commercial breaks” in between certain sections of the match, and when the action returned, it was picking up from a different place 4 minutes later, and it was very jolting to me. Outside the rather slow opening minutes of some of the most blatantly obvious filler I’ve ever seen before it kicked into EPIC, I enjoyed just about everything that happened in this match. But it was so awkwardly strung together that I was never actually able to get INTO the match like how I got into Taker’s matches over the past few years.

The post-match stuff was pretty great, with the three legends walking out with arms around each other in a wonderful show of respect and awesomeness. Also, Taker’s back looked DISGUSTING after those chair shots. Fucking hell. If this really is the end of an era, and we don’t ever see Triple H, Undertaker and Shawn wrestle again, they went out in a great way, with the streak matches being some of the best storytelling and wrestling WWE has ever done.

20-0, baby. Leave it at that.

I’d also like to note that Undertaker’s new haircut looked much better than I thought it would, even though I constantly referred to him as Chuck Liddell throughout the match. And the CELL had the best entrance, even though it was a bit goofy.

Cewsh: Ah, to be able to be sitting there with you, dear reader, as you read this for the first time. If you’re a dedicated reader of Cewsh Reviews then you will recall that I heaped platitudes on top of the first 3 matches in this series like I was getting tickets for a raffle with every compliment. And if you’re an even more astute Cewshketeer then you may also be aware that when it comes to matches of this nature you could drive a hovercraft in between the difference in philosophy Vice and I have on it should go. So since he was over the moon for the actual story told and was irritated to no end by the means of telling it, you might expect that I will find a way to have some sort of contrary opinion to his. Perhaps I might even express it while referring to him as a FCV (Future Cod Victim).

But the thing is, he’s right.

The story told, or perhaps it would be better to say concluded, by this match may be the greatest thing that I have ever seen in wrestling anywhere at any time. This isn’t some kind of in the moment marking out, or an exaggerated focus on the present. I mean that I have given this serious thought and I believe the Triple H/Undertaker/Shawn Michaels feud to be the finest story ever told in the medium of professional wrestling. And this not only managed to be a more than satisfactory conclusion to that epic story, but also managed to be a match that made me jump out of my seat along the way.

But there’s also the other side of this match. The side where the match itself, when viewed from start to finish, is almost bizarrely haphazard and an almost direct rebuttal to the other masterfully wrestled matches in this series. Actual wrestling almost faded entirely into the background as the story and the drama took center stage, and the Cell itself was actually more of a thematic device than it was something to bash someone’s head into. Hell, for the last 5 – 10 minutes of the match, I’m not sure you could even call what was going on a match anymore. So instead what I have to review is some kind of unprecedented hybrid thing that took place here that fed on back story like a vampire and functioned like an hour long finish to a different match. What on Earth am I to even make of that? What frame of reference is there?

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to this. Did this wrestling match entertain me? Completely. Was the storyline a success? Undoubtedly. Was I happy when the three warriors carried each other off into the sunset? Absolutely. Do I think those are the true goals of a wrestling match to the exclusion of all else and that this match achieved them as well as any ever could?

Yes.


100 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Now here’s the ending of the match in picture form:

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

Encouraging The Undertaker…

– “Sledgehammer his pebble-like nuts!”

Vice’s Prediction: The Undertaker Via Pinfall (+2 points)
Cewsh’s Prediction: The Undertaker Via Submission (+1 point)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: Triple H Via Pinfall (0 points)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: Triple H Via Pinfall (0 points)

The Undertaker Over Triple H Following A Sledgehammer Shot.

Segment 10 – Winner Team Decides GM Of Raw and Smackdown – Team Teddy Long (Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, Great Khali, R-Truth and Zack Ryder) vs. Team John Laurenitus (David Otunga, Mark Henry, Drew McIntyre, The Miz and Dolph Ziggler)

Cewsh: Right here and now, you are looking at some future WWE trivia questions.

Question: Who was the first person to become the official General Manager of both Raw and Smackdown?

Answer: John Laurenitus.

Question: Who won the match that decided who the total ruler of WWE would be?

Answer: The Miz.

Question: Why did they determine this hugely important thing in a match full of jobbers?

Answer: Err…

Question: Why did they only give a match of this level of kayfabe magnitude 5 minutes?

Answer: Um…

Question: What’s your sister’s phone number?

Answer: Wait, what?

Question: You should tell her hi for me.

Answer: THAT’S IT, WE’RE PLAYING SCRABBLE.

65 out of 100

Vice: After the Hell in a Cell which exhausted the crowd (in a good way), and all the cool-down stuff after, it was clear that the next match was going to get crickets. So, it made sense that it was Team Ace vs. Team Long. It wasn’t a bad match, but I don’t think it was what it should have been. It was given 10 minutes, which was nearly twice as long as it most likely should have been. It also felt a loooooot longer than it was. A 5-6 minute sprint with tons of action, finishers, and craziness would have been a ton better I’d say. Both for entertainment purposes and to potentially get the crowd fired up a bit more. But it was just a fairly slow, by the books tag match with a lot of people. Everyone seemingly did their part just fine for what it was, but I think it was booked wrong aside from the ending. It made sense for Ace’s team to win for obvious reasons.

And That Reason Is Clearly Because They Thought He Was God And Didn’t Want To Piss Him Off.

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

On The Match…

– “Can we, the viewer, tap out?”

On David Otunga’s Pants Situation:

– “I’m not trying to perpetuate the stereotype, but he really needs more trouser space.”

On Eve Betraying Zack Ryder…

– “He should punch her in the twat.”

Eve Knew That She Would Get In Trouble, But The Urge To Do The Thriller Dance Was Too Strong To Resist.


Vice’s Prediction
: Team Ace Via Pinfall (+2 points)
Cewsh’s Prediction: Team Long Via Pinfall (0 points)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: Team Ace Via Pinfall (+2 points)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: Team Ace Via Disqualification (+1 point)

Team Ace Over Team Long Following A Skull Crushing Finale From Miz To Marella.

Segment 11 – CM Punk Meets A Runaway Ace Train.

Vice: So now that Marty Funkhouser is the boss of both shows and the obvious heat between he and Punk, it makes sense for them to have a backstage confrontation, and for him to add an extra little stipulation into the match with Jericho. This failed, much like a lot of the feud between Punk and Jericho.

Segment 12 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – CM Punk © vs. Chris Jericho

Vice: It makes sense that these two would feud. Both guys grew up idolizing the business, dedicated everything to becoming the best in the world, honed their crafts in the smaller promotions and all over the world, and fought hard both physically and verbally to make a name for themselves. I’d say Punk had it a bit easier because he was coming in as WWE’s stars were fading out a bit and his straight edge lifestyle was a great thing when WWE was in hot water over the whole Benoit/steroids/drugs/wellness policy etc. crap was going on. Jericho was a guy that broke through while the likes of Austin, Angle, Triple H, and The Rock were around. So there was that part of the feud, which is really all they needed. But then Jericho randomly threw in the whole “YOUR DAD IS AN ALCOHOLIC , YOUR SISTER IS A PILL JUNKY AND YOU… YOU’RE A BASTARD!!!” or whatever shit to add a bit of extra drama to everything. And then seemed to go right back to where they were for the most part with the opening bit of the feud. So it seemed fairly random and unnecessary.

Then you get to the match, and now with Punk having to keep his cool or have the title change hands on a DQ, you have to have the obligatory spot where Punk teases losing his shit as Jericho BEGS him to go crazy. This was just done so poorly, and killed a lot of the match for me. It starts off as a normal match, and then a few minutes in Jericho says a few nasty things, Punk grabs a chair, and tries his best to not murder Jericho in the middle of the ring. And then.. the rest of the match is just a normal match. The whole DQ stipulation was just about as random and unnecessary as Jericho bringing up Punk’s family, and things seemingly went right back to normal just as quickly. If they reaaaaaaally felt it was necessary for the DQ stipulation, they should have done more with it, or used it at a better time.

A few minutes into the match, Jericho can talk some smack to Punk and tease Punk’s fury when he almost reaches the ref’s 5 count as he’s punching the shit out of Jericho. Then maybe tease it again with him refusing to release the Anaconda Vise, despite Jericho in the ropes. And then in the last few minutes, have what they did with Punk and the chair. Because not only has the shit been more relevant and built better (or, well, at all), but Punk would also be very frustrated because he can’t actually put Jericho away. So then Punk and the chair, with Jericho on his knees BEGGING him to crack his skull open, would have been fantastic. And it would have been all the better when Punk beat Jericho clean by finally making the shithead tap out. But as it is, it seemed like something hastily thrown in, horribly executed, and overall accomplished nothing at all but take me out of the match a bit. And then the rest of the match was just a normal wrestling match.

It was a good match overall, but nothing great. I’d have expected it to be a hell of a lot better though. Hell, I thought Daniel Bryan’s very first match on NXT against Jericho was much better overall. This one had some great moments like Jericho kneeing the back of Punk’s head when he was in the vise, the old school Liontamer (however brief), and the hurricanrana reversal into the Walls.

Seriously, Why Has Nobody Else Thought Of This?

The entire last few minutes were pretty great, actually. But I found the rest of the match to be very plain and underwhelming. It got 22 minutes, and I think that was way too long. Longer does not equal better.

I really wanted to love this, but it just did not do it for me at all, which makes me sad. It was good to see Punk picking up the win here.

Cewsh: This was Punk vs. Jericho at Wrestlemania. Two of my favorite wrestlers of all time going at it for the most prestigious championship in all of wrestling in front of the largest possible audience on the largest possible stage. Anticipation had been building for months, before Jericho even officially made his comeback, as these two prepared themselves to clash in the ultimate smark battle of world traveled, arrogant awesomesaurus. How was this incredible collision of larger than life personalities? How was this runaway freight train of charisma and technical prowess? How was what may be the internet’s most anticipated match of the entire show?

It was okay.

The trouble with this show, among other things, is that there’s sort of an undercurrent running through the whole things of “Attitude Era Stars vs. New Era Stars”. I’m not even sure this is intentional, but you can see it clearly in Rhodes/Big Show, Orton/Kane, Cena/Rock, and here with Punk and Jericho. This isn’t inherently bad (though its weird that they never even mentioned it when its so prevalent) but this sort of thing is only good when the new stars are allowed to look good against the legends from the other era. But not only is CM Punk the only member of the new school to win his match here tonight, but he’s also the only one who comes out of the match looking as good as his old school counterpart. But even with CM Punk escaping that to some extent, he still falls victim to the fact that he and Chris Jericho are basically the exact same wrestler. Punk does some more kicks and Jericho does some more pandering, but really they are cut from the same mold. And while CM Punk looks like a breath of fresh air next to just about everyone else, the whole time he was standing in the ring with Chris Jericho the automatic comparison made him seem…less.

If you don’t have this problem, and hey, you probably wont, then this match might hold untold wonders for you. Even without it, though, this match is 10 minutes of stalling followed by a white hot final 5 minutes. The idea that Punk/Jericho should have gotten LESS time is probably enough to send Dave Meltzer into shock, but the match would have been better served with a tighter focus to be more than it was.

They came in with the intention to steal the show. They didn’t even steal the hour. Make of that what you will.

77 out of 100

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

On Chris Jericho…

– “He has too much product in his hair to win.”

On CM Punk…

– “He da Cookie Masta! He da Cookie Masta!”

On Punk Being Hunched Over In Pain…

– “Isn’t that the prison bitch pose?”

On Fashion…

– “I think Mrs. Cewsh and I need sparkly panties that say ‘Best in the World’.”

Vice’s Prediction: CM Punk Via Pinfall (+1 points)
Cewsh’s Prediction: Chris Jericho Via Submission (0 points)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: CM Punk Via Pinfall (+1 point)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: Chris Jericho Via Pinfall (0 points)

CM Punk Over Chris Jericho Following The Anaconda Vice.

Segment 13 – John Cena vs. The Rock

Vice: Aaaaah, Rock vs. Cena.

What a terrible feud this was. There are so many matches and feuds where we think “man, if they actually spent a ton of time building this up, it could be the greatest thing ever”, and WWE gave this a full friggin’ year. A YEAR. And it was quite possibly one of the worst serious main event feuds I have ever seen. WWE booked this as a spectacle match/feud with Rocky returning to WWE to take on the “icon” that is John Cena, and Rocky needing to defeat Cena to cement himself as the greatest of all time. On paper, that’s not too bad. But here’s the big problem I have with it: Cena isn’t an icon. He’s not a Hogan. He’s not a Steve Austin. He’s not a Rock. Hogan, Austin, Rock, etc., were all THE MAN at one point or another because, well, THEY WERE THE FUCKING MAN. They were huge stars, they were captivating, they were loved, they carried the company to new heights and defined generations in good ways. That’s how they became the legends they are today. Cena isn’t THE MAN. He’s never been THE MAN. He will never be THE MAN. He’s just booked to be THE MAN. And only kinda sorta.

Ever since he got really over as a rapper and then went on to win the WWE title, he’s been a main eventer and WWE’s clear number one guy. At age 34, he’s already a 12 time world champion, 4 time tag champion, 3 time US champion, and won the Royal Rumble. He has beaten everyone thrown in front of him, whether it be his established peers, rabid younger guys trying to make a name for themselves, or goddamn legends of the business and WWE’s former top guys. And yet, John Cena is still the “underdog”. Punk called him out on that last year, referring to him as a dynasty, but WWE still seems to think that Cena is the underdog in pretty much any situation. You can’t truly be THE MAN if you are an underdog. Yet, WWE continuously has the awkward booking of him being both the underdog and the absolute most consistently dominant force to be reckoned with in all of WWE.

Cena has been overcoming odds as the “underdog” since 2004, and has been shat on since then. Yeah, he sells a lot of merchandise to women, children, and Brian M., but that doesn’t make him THE MAN. The crowds are very split on him, yet WWE has done fuckall to change that. Yeah they acknowledge it now, but whenever they have a chance to do something even remotely interesting with Cena, they go back to square one the second they have the option to, all while constantly reminding the fans that he is indeed going to go back to square one the second the option prevents itself.

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut wait!

Here comes Rock to feud with him, and all of a sudden Cena is this true icon and legend of the business, and that this match, unlike the other 3,485 in the years while Rock was gone, is so important that if he loses, the Earth will spin the other direction. And yet in the build-up, he’s just smiling and laughing at everything Rock is saying, not taking it very seriously at all.. while being the underdog that has to prove himself against one of the greatest in the history of WWE. It’s awful.

The entire feud has come off terribly, too, with their interactions and mic work. Rock is not the same as he was. He is not The Rock coming back and being The Rock. He is Dwayne Johnson coming back to WWE and trying to act like The Rock. It’s something that is understandable considering the sheer amount of time away from wrestling, but to me it is the most apparent thing in the world, and really hurts his side of the feud. He has no real beef with Cena, so he’s spent the majority of his time just doing what The Rock would do: spouting catchphrases and having fun with the audience. Though now he has Twitter and WWE is big on Twitter, so it’s just him saying random shit so that idiots will get it trending on Twitter, so WWE can put up a big sign at the bottom of the screen saying that whatever stupid thing was said is now trending as if such a thing is a huge deal or means anything, and then the office can jerk themselves off for how popular and great they are. DID YOU KNOW? And then when they finally added a bit more to it, it was how Rock needed to cement his legacy by beating Cena, as I wrote about earlier. It’s fucking stupid and makes no sense.

And Cena just comes off as a dense, whiny, stuck up little brat in all of this. Waaaaah waaaaah Rock left to make millions of dollars elsewhere, he hates his fans, he’s ashamed of wrestling, now he’s come crawling back, blahblah. It’s terrible. Seriously, the majority of their feud can be summed up like this:

Cena: Rock, you left. When you finally came back, you said you’d never leave. Then you left.
Rock: You’re the only one that took it literally, moron. #LUBEDSTRUDELTOASTEROVEN
Cena: But you said you wouldn’t leave.
Rock: Again, you’re the only one that took it literally. #BOOTUPMYOWNASSMASTURBATION
Cena: But you said you wouldn’t leave.
Rock: Really? Still? #UNICORNPOOPINGPOPTARTS

And then when Rock actually gets under Cena’s skin a bit and makes good points, Cena smiles, laughs, makes stupid faces, sticks his tongue out, and then goes home, hops on Twitter, and talks about how much fun he had with Rock that night, no hard feelings, respect all around, etc.

And yet Cena is supposed to hate this man. And that this is the biggest match in the entire universe for him, and if he does not win it, all the kittens in the world will be slingshotted into a giant meat grinder.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Cewsh: This feud may well have been one of the shittiest things ever produced by a wrestling company, and that includes anything produced from the majestic loins of Mr. Ian Rotten. The feud made both men look like unreasonable whiners, it stretched things out far past the level of interest in the feud and it depended entirely upon a level of chemistry between these two men that quite simply did not exist.

“But Cewsh!” you yell as you shoot to your feet in anger “The feud had some great promos and all of them were from the Rock/John Cena! (depending on which side you’re willing to declare nuclear war on behalf of)” You’re right, it did. Before Wrestlemania last year this feud was so hot that it completely buried the Miz in a way he never recovered from. It wasn’t supposed to be that way, but sparks flew whenever these two men were even in the same sentence as each other. As the weeks went by the tension mounted and mounted and the fans grew hotter and hotter until every interaction was on the cusp of a full on riot.

And then we had the match a year later.

Look, I understand WHY we had the match a year later. The Rock had movie commitments and needed to train to get back into wrestling condition. I get that. The trouble is, though, that no matter how hot a feud is, there’s only so long that you’ll be able to keep people’s interest by rehashing that hotness after the fact without contributing anything new. So after months and months the Rock came back to kickstart things into motion again, and Cena and the Rock started spending more time in rings together, which shined a bright light on that chemistry issue I mentioned before. The Rock cuts promos in the Attitude Era style. It’s all flash and sizzle, catchphrases flying this way and that, and more about energy than content. John Cena cuts modern day promos, which are slowed down and heavy on meaning and feeling. These styles both have a lot to recommend them, but when mashed together here every promo either featured that Rock slowing himself down to meet Cena on his style (which reveals that the Rock is a shitty promo when he has to think about things) or Cena speeding himself up to meet Rock on his level (which reveals that Cena is no longer 27 and thinks that high energy is the same as yelling). So by the time we got to Wrestlemania these two were tripping over each other every week and limping into what might very well be the biggest match in either of their careers.

In other words, this feud blew.

Vice: Seriously, nothing about this feud works or makes sense. It is just fucking terrible. I don’t think there could be anything worse than t—

Oh, right. They actually have to wrestle. Which means entrances.

Which means.. Flo Rida and P Diddy?

Man, Diddy Really Will Take Any Job That Will Pay Him.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Quite possibly the worst WrestleMania main event feud ever, and then quite possibly the worst WrestleMania entrances ever? Oiiiii.

Thankfully the crowd was into this from the very beginning like they needed to be for a [not actually a] spectacle of a match. I felt bad for Rock here, though. Well, most people that face Cena, really. The crowd is on fire, chanting their asses off, but it’s LET’S GO CENA/CENA SUCKS. It’s all about Cena. Nothing really for his opponent.

As for the match, it was about as good as I thought it would be. Rock hasn’t really wrestled in yeaaaaaaaars outside of the one match at Survivor Series, and that was a tag match, where he spent a good majority of it on the outside. So throwing him into a 30 minute match was a bit risky, but he did fairly well in it, even if it was very apparent that he didn’t have much in the gas tank for a good portion of the match.

I’d say that the match was special considering the two guys involved and because it had a big time feel, but the actual ring-work wasn’t amazing by any means. Above average for sure and leaning towards pretty damn good, possibly, but I don’t imagine it will be talked about for years to come. Maybe the FEUD will be, considering how godawful it was.

Cena lost clean. Once in a lifetime indeed.

I’m writing this at 4:30pm EST on Monday, 4/2, so RAW has not aired yet of course. So, I’m curious to see where this Cena shit goes. So many times, WWE has had a chance to do something with Cena, and so many times they half-ass it and go right back to where he was before, or they get eeeeeeverything lined up just right and then seem to back out at the last second. So with this, there are two big options, one of which will be fucking terrible, and one of which could be the best thing they could possibly do.

The fucking terrible option is for Cena to come out, prance around, smile, laugh, giggle, make stupid faces, shrug his shoulders, make stupid jokes, and generally just ignore the fact that he said this was the biggest match of his life, he needed to win more than anything in the entire goddamned world, and then lost. If he just brushes everything off in typical Cena fashion, this whole thing will have just been one gigantic embarrassment as a whole.

Now if they use this to actually give Cena a change in character, and stick to it until the end, it could be the best thing that has happened to him, and could really make WWE a better product. I’m going to just get this out of the way: Cena does not NEED to turn HEEL. He has never really NEEDED to turn HEEL. Most people will say that he does not NEED to turn HEEL. What he needs is character development. They can change his character in ways that will keep the women, kiddies, and Brian M. buying merchandise, and also have the male audience (with the exception of Brian M.) not hating his guts and wanting to invest in the product as a whole.

This is one of those big things that WWE needs to handle properly. Not to sound dramatic, but how they handle Cena on RAW will be huge, as they are in one of those positions where they have set themselves up for something potentially huge, and we’re left wondering if the company has enough balls to act on it, or they’re going to continue to be stale, overproduced, and bumbling around with what kind of company they are trying to be.

Do it right, WWE. I’d love to be a fan again.

Cewsh: There are two sides to this match, and they both deserve equal time and consideration considering how important and significant this match is and will be in the future.

Despite the completely abysmal entrances, there is an extremely noticeable buzz from the crowd the second these two get in the ring together. I was genuinely afraid that following Taker/Triple H at all would detract from the crowd’s interest in this match (See Orton/Triple H and Cena/Miz) but that whole theory gets blown to shit in a hurry as these guys stand across the ring from each other with the crowd losing their fucking minds.

A Whole Year Built To This One Moment.

I can’t think of a Wrestlemania main event in recent memory that felt like this to start off, and both guys know how to milk that reaction. Finally they lock up, and begin a gradual journey of headlocks and punches that lasts longer than you’d expect before Cena just totally takes over and starts beating the Rock indiscriminately. He beats him up for so long, in fact, that my mother started to think that the Rock was a terrible wrestler. This goes on until the Rock fires back finally, only to be immediately shut down by Cena. Then Cena gives a smirk to the crowd, stands over the Rock, and decides to go for the People’s Elbow.

Big mistake.

#Heel

One Rock Bottom later and the Rock has won the War of Charisma and a dejected John Cena sits on the ramp and watches his arch rival celebrate all over the ring. For once in his life, John Cena is definitively the lesser man. Debate over.

For Now.

Okay, so that was the match. Fun right? Well I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that JOHN CENA WRESTLED THIS ENTIRE MATCH AS A HEEL. This was not the usual subtle way that Cena has employed this sort of things in the past when called upon to do so like against Rob Van Dam at One Night Stand or against Punk at Money in the Bank. John Cena beat the Rock like a jobber while grinning like a maniac, and then took the time to mock the man with his own finisher before being caught unawares with the Rock Bottom that undid him. Why is this significant? Well for one thing it could mean the beginning of an entirely different John Cea than we’ve ever seen before. For another thing, it could provide Cena with the excuse he needs to demand a rematch. And for one last thing, it is the sole reason that this match was any good at all.

I’m not sure how the internet wrestling community is going to take to the idea that John Cena carried the Rock to a good match, but I would suggest that they learn to deal with it, because his Rockness seemed to be blown up about 5 minutes into the match, and seemed completely off with his timing for most of the rest of it. If you watch this match back, there really isn’t anything that the Rock did to really help the match out while John Cena runs around busting his ass to make it seem like exciting things are happening. This is not coming from a place of Rock hate or Cena love. That is just what was there to be seen.

So John Cena carries the Rock to a good match after Rock’s long absence, we get a Wrestlemania main event that doesn’t live up to the hype, but at least isn’t a total let down, and the WWE moves forward into an uncertain world with much to explore.

The future is scary, but here it fucking comes.

79 out of 100

Mama Cewsh’s Musings:

On John Cena…

– “He’s dressed like he’s going to Home Depot.”

“Wait A Minute, This Isn’t Home Depot.”

– “He just looks like an in shape Larry the Cable Guy.”
– “Why is he afraid to rock the panties?”

On The Rock…

– “No capes, no gimmicks. Just rocking the panties like they should be rocked.”
– “This is Grade A Kobe beef right here.”

On The Rock During The Match…

– “He flippidoodled him twice!”
– “I think Rock should give him a wedgie. Look how great his butt looks.”
– “Rock’s probably Tweeting right now, because he sure isn’t wrestling.”

On The Match…

– “This is like a bad porno. You don’t even care if they get off.”
– “F-A-U-X.”

Vice’s Prediction: John Cena Via Submission (0 points)
Cewsh’s Prediction: John Cena Via Pinfall (0 points)
Mrs. Cewsh’s Prediction: John Cena Via Pinfall (0 points)
Mama Cewsh’s Prediction: The Rock Via Pinfall (+2 points)

The Rock Over John Cena Following The Rock Bottom.

The Final Standing For The Doctor Extreme Wrestlemania Prediction Cup

1st. Vice – 10 points

2nd. Mrs. Cewsh – 7 points

2nd. Mama Cewsh – 7 points

4th. Cewsh – 2 points

Your winner and 1st ever Doctor Extreme is…
VICE!
———————————————–
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: The last few Wrestlemanias have been plagued by the term “One Match Show”. This year they seemed to stack the card from top to bottom almost as if to specifically prevent that from being the case. So they handed us this wonder card with the match of a lifetime for the main event and then when all the dust settled and the show came to an end…this was a one match show. There were spectacular moments for sure, and the atmosphere was exciting and fun, but despite the fact that Vice and I spent the whole show having a great time with great food, and Mama Cewsh tearing the house down during every match, just about everything managed to find some way to feel off and wrong and bad. Maybe it was the bad start. Maybe it was the underwhelming main event for some. Or maybe it was just a good show gone bad and WWE was no more at fault for it than I was.

Hey, sometimes shows just aren’t great. But when it’s Wrestlemania, they just don’t have the luxury of a do over.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 69.42 out of 100.
Mama Cewsh’s Mortuary:

Mama Cewsh: If I read this, I feel like I’m going to be disturbed that I’m so disturbed.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this show was a massive disappointment. Even having a blast watching it with Family Cewsh, eating bacon brownies and chicken, and being able to smoke indoors as I watched, I could not get over how dreary this show as a whole was. From the wacky booking decisions, a number of matches that were clunkers, the horrible backstage segments, filler bullshit, and the dreadful Rock/Cena entrances, this show was just impossible to truly enjoy.

Had I been watching this on my own, chances are I’d give it an even lower score. This just sucked. Wrestlemania has basically been a one match show for the most part for a few years now, and next year might not feature the guys who made it a one match show. I’m not going to be crazy and say that WWE is dead and may as well pack up shop while they still can, but I can’t say that I’m full of confidence as they head into the future.

Vice’s Final Score: 64 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed this monstrous reckoning for the biggest show of the year. And now that we have THAT big bastard out of the way, we can focus in on other important things, like finishing up the reviews that were supposed to come out before Wrestlemania in the first place. To that end, next week we will be treating you to our review of WWF Wrestlemania III! How will perhaps the best know Wrestlemania in history stack up against this year’s show with a main event of similar stature? How different will things look 25 years later? And who the hell dresses Jesse Ventura? All this and more next week as we plunge headlong into another great year of Cewsh Reviews. So until then, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another!