WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the blog that heavily endorses an Astro Crag match, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we skip right along on our way to Wrestlemania XXVIII. With only a month and a half to go, things are now shaping themselves into the Mania mold and tonight especially will have huge ramifications of that day of days as we cover WWE Elimination Chamber 2012. In the beginning of its existence, the Elimination Chamber represented suffering and danger on a massive scale, but of late it has also come to represent that most valuable of virtues. Opportunity. You see, whoever walks out of this pay per view with a World title over their shoulder is all but guaranteed to find themselves in a main event come Wrestlemania time, and when you get 6 hungry men in one match with that dangling carrot on the line you’ve got yourself a recipe for drama. When you throw in a dozen intersecting feuds and rivalries on top of it and a midcard held down by John Cena attempting murder, you have something else altogether. So batten down the hatches and prepare for the storm, because these waters are about to get choppy.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Yeah, if you expect anything from WWE except from greatness in the field of video production in the last show before Wrestlemania, you’re off your nut. Even by those standards though, this video is something special, as it spends its entire length not only putting over the stakes involved in the elimination chamber matches, but also by driving home the fear and dread the match is meant to instill. By the end of the video, had you never watched a wrestling match in your life, you would still get the very clear impression that these 12 men were about to endure an incredible danger to earn a coveted prize. Making things that are complicated come through so simply is possibly the greatest gift that these videos give us, and this one was exceptional.

Segment 2 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Elimination Chamber Match – CM Punk © vs. Kofi Kingston vs. R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz

Cewsh: Opening things up for us tonight is the WWE title Chamber match, and the amount of potential storylines floating around in this match is ridiculous. Currently the only really active storyline here is between CM Punk and Chris Jericho, thanks to Jericho’s sneak attacks and assertions that CM Punk stole his gimmick and should step aside. CM Punk primarily responded to this by offering Jericho a big steaming bowl of both fuck and you, and promptly started ignoring him, which tends to drive Chris Jericho a bit up the wall. That’s the only really active storyline, but its hardly the only possible one. From Kofi Kingston desperate to finally prove himself and break through the glass ceiling, to the Miz hanging onto the main event by a thread and eager to win to take back his credibility, to the backstories between Kingston and Ziggler, Miz and Truth and even Punk and Kingston, this match is packed to the gills with significance and the wrestlers seem to know it. As they come down to the ring, everyone is very somber, except for Kingston who does a wonderful job of appearing overwhelmed but determined.

With the first four safely in their chambers, CM Punk and Kofi Kingston start us off and they fall quickly into the kind of groove that two solid wrestlers that are familiar with each other can. They do some chain wrestling until CM Punk Irish Whips Kofi Kingston into the ropes. At this juncture Kofi Kingston decides that he does not like the ropes very much and does not wish to touch them, so with a one step running start he just straight up vertical jumps his ass over the top and out to the steel grating. This is entirely spectacular and of no strategic value whatsoever and they are quickly back at it again. In a blurring display, they quickly run through more chain wrestling much to the delight of the crowd who act as though they’re actively curing cancer in the ring. Dolph Ziggler is less impressed, however, as he takes this opportunity to get in some last minute pull ups. Punk and Kingston find themselves outside and both men get some steel rug burns on the chamber floor, before finally making it back in and awaiting the arrival of our first newcomer.

Dolph Ziggler Has Entered The Match.

Ziggler comes in like a ball of fire and immediately goes straight after Punk with some vicious offense. Then he takes a breather to do some crunches while hanging from the cage because hey, you’ve gotta keep it tight.

Never Let A Barbaric Display Of Violence Get In The Way Of A Workout.

This is world wide television we’re on here. Ziggler stays in control until both Punk and Kingston start unloading on him, all while starting an impormtu “who can beat up Dolph Ziggler the best” competition. They both go to the outside to do their springboard move, and each tells the other to fuck off because he’s going. They both go. Splat.

While all three men try to count the pretty birdies flying around their heads, the countdown gets its count on.

R-Truth Has Entered The Match.

R-Truth comes in and starts having a merry good time, flinging Dolph Ziggler about and giving him an Scissor Kick for good measure. Unfortunately Ziggler isn’t so easily beaten, so everybody starts popping out of the woodwork trying to hit each other with finishers which inevitably fail because we’re still only 10 minutes into this match. Punk, though, finally slams Truth down and goes up to the top rope to deliver his Macho Man elbow, but takes a second to mock Chris Jericho because life is to short to not mock Chris Jericho.

“Oh, I’m Sorry. You Appear To Be Upset.”

One Mocking Macho later and R-Truth earns himself an early trip to catering.

R-Truth Has Been Eliminated By CM Punk.

Wasting zero time, Ziggler rushes in and rolls up Punk. Punk reverses it, but unfortunately for him this leaves him wide open for a Trouble in Paradise right in the temple and Punk goes down in a heap. Kingston tries to cover Punk to make a name for himself, but Ziggler gets in the way and by the time Kingston gets back Punk is already recovered enough to kick out. Now thoroughly pissed off, Kingston springboards out of the ring after Ziggler, lands hanging from the cage, and then just spontaneously busts out a jumping tornado DDT onto the chamber floor that causes the crowd to immediately break into chants of “holy shit”. Now this is not the first time that Kofi has done awesome things in matches like this, and ultimately they always come back to bite him horrendously, and this is no different as he lies groaning on the floor, seemingly in as much pain as Ziggler. Again, all three men struggle to their feet as the countdown kicks up.

The Miz Has Entered The Match.

Miz is an angry young man. He is mean to people.

CM Punk is an angry young man. He is mean to Miz.

This results in Miz being locked in the Anaconda Vice and being most unhappy about this. He struggles gamely to keep from tapping out as the countdown to our final entrant begins.

Chris Jericho Has Entered The Match.

Let’s Do This.

The second CM Punk sees Chris Jericho’s cage open, he lets go of the very grateful Miz and squares off with the fresh legend. Punk is tire, he’s beaten up and he’s swaying, but he’s on his feet, and he and Jericho take a second to consider each other before launching into fisticuffs most heated. Punk and Jericho immediately empty their entire moveset all over one another in an attempt to put the other one out as quickly as possible, each recognizing the other as the biggest threat in this match. As Jericho takes the advantage, Dolph Ziggler once again tries to slide in as take the advantage with a roll up. Unfortunately this time he gets caught and eats a Codebreaker for his troubles. Sorry Dolph. Should have done more crunches.

Dolph Ziggler Has Been Eliminated By Chris Jericho.

Punk come storming back and introduces Jericho repeatedly to his good friend Mr. Giant Plastic Window. Having enough of these pleasant introductions, Jericho flees back into his chamber and shuts the door just like he did against the Undertaker 2 years ago. Unfortunately for Mr. Jericho this works even less this time, and in no time Punk thwarts his defenses and is kneeing Jericho dead in the face again and again. But Jericho didn’t get this far in his career by being totally cool with knees in his face, so he darts out of the way and rams Punk’s arm with the chamber door not once but three times, leaving Punk down and out for the time being.

Jericho turns his attentions to Kofi, when suddenly the Miz comes flying across the ring, reminding everyone that he’s actually still in this match. Kingston fights back against both of them, though, and even though he appears on the verge of exhaustion, he isn’t giving up. He gets on the top rope, but Miz comes after him to plant some superplex goodness all over the place. CM Punk unexpectedly comes to Kofi’s rescue with a huge powerbomb, though, and this winds up giving Kofi Kingston just enough time to prove he’s a crazy person.

Kofi comes soaring off of the chamber with a crossbody, but barely even gets a chance to enjoy the moment before Chris Jericho grabs him and locks him in a nasty, nasty Walls of Jericho. Kofi never even saw it coming.

Jericho’s Therapeutic Massages Were Unorthodox, Kofi Reflected, But They Got The Job Done.

Kofi Kingston has Been Eliminated By Chris Jericho.

Even though Jericho eliminated Kofi, he still decides that he’s not nearly done pounding on midcarders yet. Jericho pounds Kingston all around ringside and finally ejects him out of the cage with a smug look on his face. That look then winds up in the 10th row, however, as a recovered CM Punk kicks it right off and dumps Jericho outside of the ring as well. The refs all run to check on him and unexpectedly decide that he is totally knocked out and unable to continue.

Chris Jericho Has Been Eliminated By CM Punk.

As the doctor and the refs cluster around Chris Jericho speaking concernedly, and even the camera man he collided with gets some sympathy time, the Miz charges up to take advantage. They trade bombs at a rapid pace with both guys kicking out of everything with the utmost of drama as the crowd just starts totally losing its’ shit. Miz just snaps and starts berating Punk and calling him nothing over and over, getting more and more distracted with each second. Not a good idea against the WWE champion. One sidestep and a Go 2 Sleep later and that’s all she wrote for the Miz and this match.

The Miz Has Been Eliminated By CM Punk.

I wouldn’t go so far as to call this the best elimination chamber match. I might not even call it top 10. But what this was was an enormously fun match that accomplished the rare task of making every single person in it look better than they did before WHILE AT THE SAME TIME making two people look like absolute stars. Those people are CM Punk, who looked in control and like a champion all the way from beginning to end, and Kofi Kingston, who after numerous chances in matches like these finally put together a complete match that made him look like an exciting talent on the rise for the first time since about 2008. So while this match wasn’t perfect, and some of the eliminations seemed bizarre (Jericho’s especially, though I assume its to further the storyline with Punk), there’s no doubt that between what they accomplished and the white hot crowd that cheered them on, this wont be a match to forget any time soon.


89 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

CM Punk over Everyone Else.
Segment 3 – Gonna Fly Now.

Cewsh: At first glance as the next segment begins, we are greeted to a close up on a man’s hoodie as Eugene’s theme music hits. Immediately my heart clenched up in terror at the prospect of Eugene returning by surprise here, but luckily it just turned out to be Santino Marrella standing all alone in a room and staring angrily at an empty glass.

Santino then whips out some eggs and tries to chug some raw eggs because Rocky did it and he needs every edge he can get going into his very first World Championship match. Of course chugging raw eggs IMMEDIATELY PRIOR TO your title match might be among the worst possible ideas in the history of professional wrestling, but since he immediately throws them up again, I suppose the point is fairly moot.

It is only now sinking in to me that I just watched and reviewed a clip of a man chugging raw eggs and vomiting. Gosh this is a glamorous job.

Segment 4 – WWE Divas Championship – Beth Phoenix © vs. Tamina Snuka

Cewsh: I know that there is a contingent of you who, upon reading the title of this segment, immediately skipped on to the next one, assuming that there was nothing of substance or interest here. But to those of you who stayed for whatever reason, I’m here to suggest that this might just not be the case. See, ever since last summer when Kelly Kelly came out of nowhere to knock Beth off of her pedestal only to get knocked back off herself, Beth has been totally dominant and really hasn’t had much in the way of challengers. Not only has she been beating everyone in her path, but she’s been doing it in dominant, almost squash-like, fashion. But after several months of this she declared that she had become bored and craved a challenge from somewhere. Enter Tamina Snuka, now proudly and openly claiming her heritage as Jimmy Snuka’s daughter, who is big enough, strong enough and plucky enough to get Beth interested. Beth gladly gave her a title match, and then spent the weeks leading up to this match examining videos of Tamina’s father to get an idea of how to combat her unique style. So now Tamina gets her chance to prove that her recent success isn’t a fluke, and Beth gets a chance to prove that she is truly without peer. That’s a wrestling storyline, boys and girls. And it aint half bad neither.

Now the story of the match is the classic cocky heel underestimating the up and coming face, as Beth openly taunts Tamina to start the match and just smacks her a few times for the fun of it. Tamina takes this as her cue to unleash a torrent of ass kicker on Beth, that staggers Beth for nearly the entire match. Tamina repeatedly takes the advantage and repeatedly has Beth on her heels until finally Tamina flies through the sky with a Superfly Splash that nearly earns her the victory. Phoenix is too much for this, though, and it isn’t any time at all before she has recovered herself. Then Tamina makes a rookie mistake of going to the well once too often for a corner splash, and before she evens knows what happened, she’s hoisted up for a Glam Slam. Game over.

As a match, this wasn’t exactly the advanced course. The heel got some heat, the babyface was plucky and the heel won in the end after the babyface made a heroic mistake. But in this case simple is good, and it caused Tamina to look like a credible threat and made Beth look like a dominant champion. When you consider that many of these matches rarely achieve one goal, pulling off two is nothing to sneeze at.

70 out of 100

Beth Phoenix Over Tamina Following The Glam Slam.
Segment 5 – Eye Of The Tiger.

Cewsh: Santino Marella is in the meat locker punching a ham.

Thank God Santino Is Protecting Us From The Dangers Of Sodium.

Then a wild cobra appears and it punches the ham.

First It’s A Snake To Kill The Ham. Then A Mongoose To Kill The Snake. Next Thing You’re Being Eaten By Bears.

I tried to think of a joke about beating meat, but so many of them came rushing to mind that I got dizzy and had to go lie down.

Segment 6 – The No Teddys Allowed Club.

Cewsh: Before the next match, we are greeted by the glowing visage of Mr. John Laurenitus as he and David Otunga come out for a leisurely stroll to the ring. John gets in the ring and promises to address the crowd with the “big announcement” he said he’d reveal tonight. But before he does that, apparently he randomly decides to bury Teddy Long for being shitty at his job for no reason whatsoever. This goes on for a bit before suddenly Alberto Del Rio’s music hits and he speeds into the arena and pops out of his fancy car to a surprisingly large pop. You see, Alberto is not overly fond of Teddy from his time on Smackdown and is very eager to recommend Mr. Laurenitus for the role as the General Manager of both shows. At this point Mark Henry also lumbers out and tells HIS story about how Teddy Long is a jerkface. But halfway through this CHRISTIAN’S music hits, and he comes out to a huge surprised reaction from the crowd. Christian, sporting a beard that will make every 13 year old boy in the audience jealous if nobody else, also has a rather huge beef with Teddy Long, dating all the way back to when Teddy made Christian compete a week after his grueling ladder match title win, and setting him up to lose his first World title less than one week later. After all announcing what they have in common, they all pose for a picture of their new informal stable of mutual hatred. David Otunga is obviously the leader based on said picture.

I Will Give A Sack Full Of Money With A Dollar Sign On It To Anyone Who Brings Me That Picture.

Okay, so we have Alberto, Mark and Christian all aligned against Teddy Long all of a sudden. It is not a coincidence that all three of these men are currently recovering from injury. A storyline of this kind allows them to recover and be protected as they recover. Very intelligently done. Personally, I’ll be glad to see all of them getting something to do at this time of year. And I’ll be even gladder to see more David Otunga, because that guy is fast becoming my favorite part of these shows.

Segment 7 – Heart’s On Fire.

Cewsh: We go back to Santino Marella, who is psyching himself up to complete the awesome task of climbing one flight of stairs. Upon completion of this Herculean task, he promptly celebrates by doing his trumpet dance in slow motion.

The Dance Of Triumph.

You know, coming into this show, I didn’t like Santino’s chances at winning the title tonight. But now that I’ve seen his workout regimen, I think its safe to say that he’s quickly become the favorite.

Segment 8 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Elimination Chamber – Daniel Bryan © vs. Cody Rhodes vs. The Great Khali vs. Santino Marella vs. The Big Show vs. Wade Barrett

Cewsh: Okay. Now if you haven’t been watching Smackdown of late you might be puzzled as to why in the hell Great Khali and Santino Marella are in this title match all of a sudden. Unfortunately those spots were originally intended for Mark Henry and Randy Orton, but they both got injured at extremely inopportune times, and WWE had to scramble to replace them. But as unfortunate as that was, those two guys weren’t really the story here anyway. The main story here is the continuing saga of Daniel Bryan and the Big Show, as Big Show once again gets the opportunity to right the wrong that Bryan did to him and finally become the World Heavyweight Champion again.

Unfortunately for Show, he and Barrett wind up starting this thing off. This is bad news for a guy who has much more power than stamina, and Wade Barrett sets about wearing him down with chop blocks and heavy leg work to start things off. Big Show quickly elects to not participate in that bullshit and puts a slow paced beating on Barrett as a few fans chant “BORING” and the rest sit on their hands. As the countdown for the next entrant starts, Big Show walks straight over to Daniel Bryan’s chamber and stars him down, waiting and hoping for the champion to be the next entrant. Unfortunately…

Cody Rhodes Has Entered The Match.

Cody takes his time with the whole “getting into the ring and attacking the angry giant” thing, but eventually he goes for it, only to be tossed around like a rag doll. Big Show stifles a yawn as he throws both guys bodily all over the place for the hell of it. Barrett goes after Show’s legs again to lessen the casual dominance of His Bigness, but it only barely slows the man down. Finally, FINALLY, Rhodes and Barrett manage to get Show down with a great double team move, only to immediately turn on each other and have a scuffle themselves until the next entrant emerges.

Santino Marella Has Entered The Match.

Santino comes in like a ball of fire and just starts beating the fuck out of Wade Barrett. This lasts a good 10-15 seconds before the Big Show shows up and really just ruins Santino’s day. Luckily for Santino, Rhodes comes to his rescue (accidentally) mid ass kicking and turns it from the “Show kills Santino” show to the “Show kills everyone everywhere” show. Rhodes and Barrett have to team up again to stop yet another reign of terror by Show with a double suplex on the chamber floor. Unfortunately neither guy realized that they would then have to drag him back into the ring, so they give up halfway through and go back to beating up on each other. Priorities guys. That one’s going to come back to haunt you.

The Great Khali Has Entered The Match.

And now all the little guys are stuck between a rock and a job place. Khali promptly before a finisher on everyone in the match before being speared at full speed by a huffing and puffing Big Show.

AINT NO GETTIN’ OFFA THIS TRAIN WE ON!

Total time in the chamber? 19 seconds.


The Great Khali Has Been Eliminated By The Big Show.

Show goes back to staring down Bryan and just waiting for the countdown to start since Bryan is the last man left in a chamber. Growing impatient, he actually climbs to the top rope to try to reach Bryan through the cage mesh on top of the chamber and only barely isn’t able to, as Bryan mocks him again and again. This turns out to be exactly as shitty an idea as it sounds, as an enraged Big Show grabs the chains covering the top of the chamber and just flat out rips them in two one at a time. He then hoists himself up on top and actually lowers himself into the fucking chamber with a terrified Bryan looking on, completely helpless.

“Wait, We’re Doing What Now?”

Once he gets in there, he has a merry good time throttling the completely befuddled Bryan and tossing him all around the chamber, until the countdown goes down and Bryan is finally freed from the chamber…only fro Big Show to grab him again and send him crashing right through the door into a broken heap inside the chamber.

Daniel Bryan Has Entered The Match.

So now we have 5 guys still in the match, and only one (Show) is in any sort of condition to fight at the moment. He completely has Bryan at his mercy and nails the champion with a chokeslam, but before he can capitalize Wade Barrett comes barreling in and crushes Big Show with a boot. Then Rhodes clocks Show with two Beautiful Disaster kicks to the face and Barrett comes off the top with a huge elbow that finally ends the threat of the giant once and for all.

The Big Show Has Been Eliminated By Cody Rhodes.

Cody is ecstatic that he has triumphed over the Big Show and lets everyone know it. But what he SHOULD have been doing was watching his back, because Santino Marella shows up out of nowhere, and much to the shock of Cody, rolls him up for a count of three.

He Doesn’t Take It Well.

Cody Rhodes Has Been Eliminated By Santino Marella.

Barrett takes charge from here with only three people left to go, and does vicious things to Bryan. Santino tries to get involved but he’s way outmatched here against Barrett, and Wade continues his evil ways. But somewhere in the middle of Wade’s glory, Santino puts a major fork in the spokes by distracting him, and after dodging a top rope Barrett elbow, he takes advantage of a Daniel Bryan diving headbutt to eliminate his second superstar of the match.


Wade Barrett Has Been Eliminated By Santino Marella.

Now we’re down to two, and it’s the last two people anyone expected to be here at the end (barring perhaps the Great Khali and 16th century French novelist Jacque DeCard). Bryan immediately gets a huge grin on his face as he regards his non intimidating opponent and goes to get things over with with a big punch. But Santino is fired up now and at a totally different level, and he’s not walking out of here until he’s given Bryan hell. As Bryan tries to take over with his superior skill, something strange begins to happen. No matter how hard Bryan kicks Santino in the chest, the Milan Miracle just keeps coming back for more, and faster and faster back up every time at that. The crowd begins to go insane each time Santino fights back or kicks out. Bryan goes up top to land a diving headbutt, but Santino moves out of the way and goes right for the Cobra sock and nails it dead on. The crowd comes totally unhinged as Santino goes for the pin and boos hugely when Bryan kicks out at the last second. Bryan uses his kickout to get Santino into the perfect position for the Lebelle Lock, but can’t quite get it cinched in as Santino desperately tries everything he knows to try to escape the hold and not let this amazing momentum die.

I Just Want You To Do One Thing For Me. Win. Win.

Somehow Santino manages to rise to his knees with Bryan’s arms wrapped around his neck, choking off all air, but slowly and agonizingly he sinks back down to the ground and has to submit.

Santino Marella Has Been Eliminated By Daniel Bryan.

Bryan celebrates like a madman as they carry Santino off and Bryan finally starts to relax after the craziness, when suddenly some very familiar music begins to play, and he finds himself face to face with the winner of the Royal Rumble, Sheamus. Bryan makes about his 80th bad decision of the night when he decides to try to punch Shemaus in the face, and gets to visit his old friend Mr. Ringmat very quickly via a Celtic Cross. It would appear Sheamus has made his choice. At Wrestlemania, he’s coming for Bryan.

Now if you were breaking down this match, you would realistically have to separate it into two distinct parts. There’s the match before Big Show breaks into Bryan’s cage, which was largely forgettable, and frankly more than a little dull. And then you have the part from that point forward, which was fast paced, interesting, and culminated in the most exciting finish to any elimination chamber match in memory. That they were able to not only make a last second replacement like Santino look like he belonged, but like he might actually win the World Heavyweight Championship here is a marvelous feat, and the crowd rewarded them by being maybe the hottest they’ve been since Punk/Cena in Chicago. Bryan won, ultimately, and the heat he got from doing so was extraordinary and now he’ll move on to Sheamus which should be terrific. But the real question here for me is where exactly Santino goes from here. He has proven twice (first at the 2011 Royal Rumble and now here) that when he is put in this position, the fans have responded deafeningly in his favor. Its hard to believe that the WWE wouldn’t choose to roll with this somehow, and it could be a very interesting year to come for Santino if he can avoid falling into the overexposure trap so many comedy acts do when pushed.

Success or not, it’ll be a fun ride.


86 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Daniel Bryan Over Everyone Else.

Segment 9 – The Worst Business Lunch of All Time.

Cewsh: I am going to tell you the events of the following segment from the point of view of the totally innocent bystanders who are trying to have a business meeting over lunch in the background.

Man: Ah yes, we’re going to need to go over the T7 reports, and I was thinking we could increase efficiency in marketing if we jus…if that a midget in a cheese hat?

Woman: …what? Oh my god, that is a midget in a cheese hat, where’s my camera?

Man: Holy shit, that little guy really seems to like cheese. He’s just standing there holding handfuls of it and talking to himself.

“We’re Not On Camera With The Cheese Guy, Are We?” “Nah.”

Woman: Hey wait, who’s that woman talking to him? That’s one of our wrestlers right?

Man: Oh yes, that’s Natalya, a former Divas Champion and the pride of the famed Hart family. Aaaaaaand she’s farting.

Women: Well that’s embarrassing.

Men: Luckily only that midget guy seemed to hear. Let’s avoid eye contact. Oh good, here comes someone else. Now if we can get back to these reports…

Woman: I’m sorry, but now there are a bunch of people having a cheese fight over there next to that guy in the ill fitting suit.

Man: …finance redundancies and HOLY SHIT GET DOWN. If that guy sees us he might book us in a tag team match against the midget and the cheese. He’s dangerously unhinged.

Woman: Remind me why we work here again?

Segment 10 – WWE United States Championship – Jack Swagger © w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Justin Gabriel w/ Hornswoggle

Cewsh: This match has exactly as much back story as I just related to you in that last segment. Possibly less somehow.

But if you were overwhelmed by the out of control thrill ride that was the back story, you could still enjoy this match, as it is the first wrestling match I have seen in some time, that was less interesting and significant that what a dwarf did with a handful of cheese in the previous scene. That may be the most damning and scathing indictment of a wrestling match that I have ever written, but this seriously needs to be said. In my book, squash matches are okay. In my book, filler content is okay. And in my book, both of these wrestlers are okay. But combining all three into one miserably pointless package and plopping it down in front of paying customers who could not be forcibly brainwashed to give half a shit is just folly.

This was a step too far in the direction of “meh”, guys. And unlike every single other match on this show, this did nobody any favors.

41 out of 100.

Jack Swagger Over Justin Gabriel Following An Anklelock.
Segment 11 – Ambulance Match – John Cena vs. Kane

Cewsh: This storyline is going to be a complicated one to put down in writing, so bear with me for a minute. See, this all started when Kane first returned from his injury with the famous mask back on and made a beeline straight for John Cena. When asked why he chose Cena specifically as a target, he answered that it was all part of Kane’s plan to get John to “embrace the hate” and stop lying about who he truly was inside to everyone. Kane brought up the boos and how Cena only pretended that they didn’t bother him, and instead of going after Cena himself, he put a target squarely on the back of Cena’s best friend Zack Ryder. Now Ryder was coming off of a great time in his life. He was the United States Champion, the top star in the company was his best pal, and his megacrush Eve agreed to go out with him. Everything was going great, but brick by brick, Kane tore his life apart by first beating him until he was defenseless and lost his title, and then manipulating events to where Eve wound up in Cena’s arms. After losing his title, sustaining countless vicious beating that left him temporarily in a wheelchair and watching his best friend kiss the woman of his dreams right in front of him, Ryder’s world was in tatters and he declared that Cena was no longer his friend. Cena, who had been trying hard to keep his anger in check and failing a little more every week, almost beat down Ryder himself for this, but Kane went ahead and covered that by rolling Ryder at full speed off the stage, sending him crashing into the concrete.

Kane made Cena the bad guy, and ruined the only real friendship that Cena had ever found in WWE. And now, Kane had to pay. Which leads us inevitably to now. An ambulance, where the only way to win is to successfully load your opponent into the ambulance and have it driven out of the arena.

There are two things here that are important. The first is that, despite this being the end of an epic feud that has had a ton of television time and has a lot of work gone into it and the main event of this pay per view, this match is a total and complete afterthought. All throughout the show, videos have been airing that hyped things up for Cena/Rock at Wrestlemania, and not one mention was made at any point during of that about this match or this feud. The implication to be derived from all of that is clear. This feud is filler and this is just a wacky wrestling storyline, whereas the conflict between Rock and Cena is REAL. That shadow that that match cats lies over every thing they do here. Which brings me to the second important thing, that this match isn’t very good.

Kane is a competent wrestler at this point, who can still be imposing and have a ton of presence and is decent in a brawl. His primary talents at this point are his promos and his intimidating presence. Since he neither talks on this show, nor is given any kind of special consideration by anyone, least of all Cena, the fans are not interested in him. Cena, for his part, is bafflingly not all that angry at all, and in fact cracks a few jokes during the match itself. You could say that perhaps he’s proving definitively that he will never embrace the hate, but since this isn’t explained at all anywhere by anyone, and they’ve built to exactly the opposite in the storyline up to now, I’m not giving them the benefit of the doubt. As such, this just because a match where two dudes punch each other for some reason and one guy throws a laptop at another guy.

Dude, You’re Getting A Dell!

The end sees Cena give Kane the Attitude Adjustment off the top of an ambulance, in a scene that is entirely reminiscent of the time he did almost that exact same thing to Batista to end their feud a few years ago.

WHEEEEE

So Cena wins the feud, grins a big ol’ smile and all is well, right?

Wrong.

71 out of 100

John Cena Over Kane Following An Ambulance Attitude Adjustment.

————————————–
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Up until the last two matches of this show, I was really, really pleased with it. Sure the Santino skits were unnecessary, and the Hornswoggle segment was putrid but the matches did a terrific job of getting everyone over and were, more importantly perhaps, terrifically fun to watch. But an ill chosen Jack Swagger title defense and a main event that arrived dead in the water dragged down what was otherwise a very hopeful show into the realm of sadness. I don’t believe this will really have any bearing on how Wrestlemania itself will be, but it doesn’t exactly stir my PPV buying reflex to think of it right at the moment. I’ll wait and see. I’ll wait and see.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 71.4 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed being trapped in a chamber with us for a little wrestling seven minutes of heaven. Next week we have for you the long awaited and eagerly anticipated Juggalo Championship Wrestling Legends and Icons 2011 show which may be, and this is not an exaggeration, the most remarkable wrestling show that we have ever had the privilege to cover. And no, I do not mean that as a compliment. So until next time, remember to keep reading and be good to one another!

Significant Edit: After posting this to the Rajah mainpage, John Morrison emailed us and sent over the actual picture that David Otunga took. Is it the actual John Morrison? Your guess is as good as mine, but he has earned himself a bag of money with a dollar sign on it. Mucho thanks, Shaman of Sexy.

4 thoughts on “WWE Elimination Chamber 2012

  1. Cewsh says:

    Unfortunately, I don't think that moves are really his problem.

    Like

  2. ESFjellin says:

    Have you seen his vignettes as Boris Alexiv? It was Kozlov before Kozlov. If he can go back to that character somehow (moves only), it could go a long way in getting him better established.

    Like

  3. Cewsh says:

    I think that in order for Santino to become a viable main eventer, even in a temporary context, he's going to need to do a ton of work on how he structures his matches. His style works great in 7 minute matches, but in longer ones (even here a bit) he seems to get a bit awkward and uncertain.

    He can learn, and I have a lot of hope for him. But it will take time.

    Like

  4. ESFjellin says:

    Nice review good sir. Loved the PPV up until the last two matches (when they said the Cena/Kane match was ending the show, i lost all hope for a Kane win (even though I knew Cena was winning) and got back to my HW). The pops that Santino was getting were amazing and they might have been the loudest of the night. Hopefully they use this and have him build on his underdog character a bit. If the WWE wants to run with him, he is going to need more than 3-4 moves, no? Could be a dark horse for MiTB later in the year.

    Like

Leave Your Message At The Beep

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: