Monthly Archives: October 2011

TNA Bound For Glory 2011

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…
 
TNA Bound For Glory 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviews that are best accompanied by the song Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight and I really mean it as the second biggest night in the American wrestling year has come at last. TNA’s premiere PPV, Bound For Glory has come upon us with all of its splendor and whatzits to cap the TNA year with a bang. So what has TNA produced in the past year leading to this moment to give it that big show importance? Well that would be the Bound For Glory Series, a competition where members of the roster vied for points to make it to the main event of Bound For Glory. Bobby (formerly Robert, formerly Bobby) Roode came out on top ultimately, and now he’ll square off with the Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle to try to cement himself atop the roster and finally make with World Championship dreams come true. But wait, that’s not all! We also have a Sherpa, a Witch, a Bully and a Felon to enjoy! You may have paid for your entire office chair, but you’ll only need the edge!

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Hogan and Sting. Roode and Angle. These are our two money feuds for tonight. There are other men fighting for various causes against various foes, but those two matches feature highest on this night. Hogan and Sting will be settling a beef older than TNA itself, that dates back nearly two years. Roode and Angle will have it out in a feud that has lasted one month. But through the magic of that artistic medium that is the opening video, TNA has linked those two struggles together in a way the weekly programming had never gotten close to. These are two battles in the same war. Sting needs to win the company away from Hogan by beating him, and Roode needs to take the title away from Immortal by beating Angle. If they both succeed, then all of Immortal’s power will be expunged from TNA and order can once again rule. Here on the biggest night of the year, Sting and Roode have their backs against the wall as Immortal gives them this one time only chance to win back their company.

Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty compelling. But that’s the video. TNA always comes through with the video. Let’s see about the rest…

Segment 2 – TNA X-Division Championship – Austin Aries © vs. Brian Kendrick.

Cewsh: What a difference a few months can make.

Back in the not too distant past of Destination X, Brian Kendrick was the bees knees. The fans adored him, the wrestlers supported him and the company pushed him so hard as THE X Division star that the entire X Division PPV was built upon his dramatic victory over Abyss to save the division. He was the star they were going to build a revitalized X Division around, along with all of their new signings and the future looked bright.

Fast forward to now and he’s dressed like a Sherpa and prancing around without the title, and looks like a totally different wrestler from the one they were pushing before.

“I Love Weeeeeeeeeeeed.”

Not in a good way. Contrast that to Austin Aries, who at the moment is dripping with charisma from head to toe and looks like such a bigger star than Kendrick here that its kind of embarrassing to watch. He outclasses Kendrick on the mat, with his selling, with his high flying, with his mannerisms and with his psychology and the crowd not only appreciates this but they blatantly start cheering raucously for Aries and booing the hell out of Kendrick at every turn. It actually gets so bad that Aries has to cockily demand that they be quiet so he can work, as he proceeds to steal every moment of the match away from the babyface in it.

Like Here, Where He Breaks The Sound Barrier.

This was a fine match and a good opener, but let’s be clear. Austin Aries is too good for his opposition in this division. If he made Kendrick look like this, guess how he’ll make someone like Kid Kash look when its his turn? Aries doesn’t need to dumb himself down, these scrubs need to pick their game up.

And the Sherpa thing isn’t helping.

75 out of 100.

Vice: As per usual, with few exceptions, TNA picks the right match to start the show off. What better way to kick off this year’s Bound for Glory than putting Austin Aries and Brian Kendrick in the ring together for some magic, wizardry, witchcraft and voodoo. You can always count on these two to put on a good match, and this one didn’t fail at all. It wasn’t a five star classic, but it was super fun and had a lot of energy.

Aaah, it’s good when TNA isn’t in the Impact Zone. This wasn’t a massive crowd, but they seem infinitely more into everything than the usual idiots. Sure they were loudly cheering for the heel over the plucky babyface, but.. I can’t really blame them– who the heck could root for anyone over Austin Aries? He’s just that great. What, you disagree? You have something to say?

SHHHHHHHH

SHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shhh

Shhhhh

Shhhh

Shh….

And Yes He Does Have A Little Cape. And No, You Don’t Get To Say Shit About It.

I loved Aries just straight up beating Kendrick. He’s a heel. He’s a dickhead. He’s great. You gotta respect him.

Good match, and a lovely way to kick start a show.

Austin Aries Over Brian Kendrick Following The Brainbustaaaaaaaah.
Segment 3 – Pedophiles and Scantily Clad Women Don’t Make Good Babysitters.

Cewsh: Backstage we see the brood of Karen Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett playing in a locker room with Jeremy Borash and Tracy Brooks. Brooks is dressed like she’s about to go onstage at the Boom Boom Room and Borash is…well..whatever this is.

Anyone Who Looks At The Kid With What Karen Is Putting In Front Of Them Is Suspicious.

Karen comes in and criticizes Brooks quite a bit and then announces that she (meaning Karen) will now be the referee of the Knockout’s title match later in the show because she thinks that would be hysterical. She warns Brooks to stay here backstage and not come down to the ring OR ELSE, effective trapping her in a room with small children and Jeremy Borash until the end of the show. Which, frankly, is a fate I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Segment 4 – Full Metal Mayhem Match – Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn.

Cewsh: Seeing as you appear to own a computer and also be a wrestling fan, I can safely assume that you are aware that at one point Rob Van Dam and Jerry Lynn had a feud. You probably even saw some of the matches and enjoyed them, as they’re quite enjoyable. You may even have caught their match at Destination X where both men were out to prove that they still had what it took to steal the show. But now here’s another one, because Jerry Lynn hasn’t met his quota for jobbing to people so far this year. The gist of the actual reason behind this match is that after his loss at Destination X, Lynn was seething with bitterness that nobody thought of him as Van Dam’s equal.

“Good Luck Sleeping Tonight” – Cewsh Reviews Screencap Department

This is despite the fact that Van Dam is a former TNA World Champion and Lynn isn’t even good enough to earn an actual contract, so I mean, he’s being kind of unreasonable about things. But nevertheless, he sabotaged Van Dam’s chances at winning the BFG Series so he could get him in one more match here tonight and prove that he’s better once and for all.

Vice: People seem to keep complaining about these two wrestling, but I don’t get it. A ton of people would mark out if _____ and ____ wrestled again, because they enjoy those two going at it. So why can’t these two continue putting on good matches with each other? Giving a big group of fans what they want? How dare they! I didn’t see their ECW matches until a few years ago, and while I don’t go completely bananas about them, they obvious have a ridiculous amount of chemistry with one another. Lynn has had some good matches with other people, as has RVD, but these two are peanut butter and jelly with each other– that perfect combination.

This match isn’t a classic and most likely won’t be appearing on anyone’s match of the year candidate list, but that doesn’t keep it from being entertaining. Their match at Destination X wasn’t magnificent either, but it had a unique feel in that these two are no strangers to using weapons against each other, but had to use them without technically using them as weapons. They couldn’t outright smash a chair into the other’s head, but if they were holding it, they could sure as hell kick it into their face. You know, rules and all. This match changed that. Shit was legal and they could have fun in a playground full of weaponry.

What was good about this match was that it still told a bit of a story and wasn’t a complete spotfest given the weapons at their disposal. And these matches don’t need to be deep works of art in terms of story. I mean really, they’re just two guys that have a history and enjoy wrestling each other. Sometimes it’s all wrestling needs to be. If you watch and have fun, this match exceeded my expectations and was a good 13 minutes of entertainment. If you sit down with a notepad and critique everything they do and compare it to classic AJPW, yeah, it’s not going to fare very well.

Also, who doesn’t mark out for someone Van Terminating a ladder into someone’s face? And RVD’s BRILLIANT psychology of still using a chair in front of his feet so that his legs don’t miss the rungs of the ladder, thus making the move a giant fail???

We’re Still Waiting To See The Van Assasinator.

And because you probably don’t compleeeeeeeetely hate me enough yet…

RVD’s lionsault is better than Jericho’s ever was. Take that, bitches.


Cewsh: Vice has laid out my every word for me there already, aside from that last sentence which is obviously the ramblings of a madman.



74 out of 100.

Rob Van Dam Over Jerry Lynn Following The Van Terminator.

Segment 5 – Samoa Joe vs. Matt Morgan vs. Crimson.


Cewsh: This is yet another match with a backstory that stretches back surprisingly far. When the BFG Series originally began, these three men were considered three of the most likely to win it. As time went on, though, Samoa Joe found himself without a win of any kind and Matt Morgan found himself in the announcers booth, sidelined with an injury. They both watched as, despite their setbacks, Crimson quickly outpaced the rest of the competition and took a commanding lead in the Series, seemingly destined to win it handily, undefeated as he was. Samoa Joe, though, was undergoing a transformation as the anger of each new loss piled up higher and higher on his huge shoulders. He started to become more and more like the monstrous and dickish Samoa Joe that first walked into TNA, and he began viciously assaulting people as Morgan protested the unfairness of it all from the sidelines. Finally it was Crimson who found himself in Joe’s crosshairs and Joe destroyed the big man’s leg, putting him out of the Series and costing him his destined shot at the title. A newly healed Morgan is after Joe to make him pay for his dickish behavior and an also newly healed Crimson is out for revenge. With only one Joe to go around will these two be able to work together, or will their conflicting egos cause Samoa Joe to have the last laugh?

Well the answer is a little bit of both.

See, to start the match, Crimson and Morgan go after Joe and do it quite successfully as Joe struggles to keep his head above water. But inevitably, when it comes down to actually winning the match, Morgan and Crimson can’t see eye to eye and get down to the get down themselves. What results is a bunch of jumping around from guys big enough to know better, culminating in Matt Morgan utterly botching the finish to a downright silly degree, as he botches his own move into the turnbuckle so bad it hard to tell if he was even supposed to be hurt and then just sort of stands there pretending not to see as Crimson spears and pins Joe RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO HIM.

“No No, You Guys Go Ahead With Your Match, I’ll Just Play Over Here By MYSELF.”

Awesome.

I’m glad these three guys all got something to do on this show and everything, but this match didn’t make anyone look good, didn’t make anyone look like they belonged in title contention and didn’t have any place on this show. It just…was.



69 out of 100.

Vice: If you took Samoa Joe of 2004/2005, Morgan of whatever year he was kicking ASS and being great, and current/possibly future Crimson, this match could have actually been really fantastic. But since it’s current Joe, current Morgan, and Crimson, well, the match is just kind of there. It wasn’t awful by any means, and some stuff was executed fairly well, but as a whole it was not the absolutely crazy BIGSTRONGMENBEATINGTHESHITOUTOFEACHOTHER match it could have, and really should have, been.

It needed more Big Rob Terry. That’s for sure.


Segment 6 – Heel Promo Class Is In Session.

Cewsh: Backstage, Bully Ray sneaks up on Jeremy Borash and makes it Interview With Bully Ray time.

Slightly Worrying.

He then proceeds to do the impossible as he not only cuts a fantastic heel promo hyping up his match with Ken Anderson that is moments away, but he actually incites ECW fans to boo him. And not just boo him, but boo him so hard and so long that its amazing they still had enough breath left to order another beer. Bully runs down the city, the people in it and then drops the mic like he just finished his part in a cipher and stalks to the ring as the camera man follows sheepishly. He emerges like a conquering god to the most heat ever generated by a TNA wrestler (and I can attest to that in all seriousness), as he laps it up enthusiastically.

That leads us to…

Segment 7 –Philadelphia Falls Count Anywhere – Bully Ray vs. Ken Anderson.

Cewsh: Out comes Anderson next and he looks briefly to the sky as if looking for his famous mic before rushing to the ring instead as the fans loudly boo not getting to see his customary entrance. They quickly forget the tease, though, as this match gets going fast and never slows down. These two brawl all over the place, from the ring to the crowd to the back all the way back to the ring, using whatever random props they can find along the way. They both bring the hate in a big way here as Ray does his usual thing and Anderson manages to stick with him every step of the way. Somewhere along the way the crowd gets behind Anderson in a major way, and for good reason, because the man is the definition of gutsy here as he does his impression of Rocky and wont give up as Ray keeps right on punching him in the mask area.

Like every good Falls Count Anywhere match, this match has its fair share of humor too, my favorite part of which being the random plant sign Anderson grabs saying “Welcome to Philly, Asshole!” which sounds like a goddamn gun went off when he hits Ray with it due to it secretly being a road sign. Dubious!

They Couldn’t Even Have Colored In The Words? Lazy.
Ultimately, the guys make it back to the ring so that Anderson can lay Ray down on the table and make sweet, sweet love to him. However, this being a little too public for such a display of affection, he instead jumps off the top rope to the floor with a Swanton to put Ray through the table, and grazes him so gently that you might think he was trying to help Ray get a bug off of his stomach. Finally he just grabs Ray and Mic Checks him through the table to bring the match to a belated, but satisfactory conclusion.

This match was gobs of fun, as Anderson turns in one of his rare good matches as a babyface, aided all along the way by the revelation that is Bully Ray. Month in and month out, Ray outperforms every single person on the roster, and month after month the stigma of him being a tag wrestler only evaporates in the face of his awesomeness. I don’t know if he’ll win a World title from this and I don’t care. But the man is writing a last chapter to his wrestling legacy that is second to none and he should be applauded for it.

81 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Ok, when did Anderson get natural looking hair? He looks so weird like this, even if it’s 900 times more healthy for his scalp and hair.

That said, this match was really enjoyable for me. Anderson was at his best during his feud with Angle, and has never really quite gotten back to the awesomeness of that run, but he still has potential to put on good matches. Bully Ray is just beyond brilliant. Who the hell would have thought that he’d be THIS good in a singles run in 2011? Seriously, he’s incredible.

This match was a bit spotty, with them moving from nasty weapon spot to nasty weapon spot, but it was a good brawl with neither man wanting to die. There were some really nasty looking spots to, which added a lot of credibility to this fight of theirs. I especially loved the piledriver to the floor in the back area. Sure it was probably dangerous, but if the story is about two guys wanting to kill each other, you’re going to have to do some really crazy shit to sell that. Otherwise the match does not fit the tone at all. So, kudos to these two for going nuts out there.

The end was a bit botched with Anderson only clipping Ray with the swanton onto the table, but they covered it perfectly, with Anderson hitting the mic check through it shortly after.

IMPROVISATION.

Watching it, you knew they fucked up, but it didn’t look fucked up or sloppy. And really, you have to give Ray some respect here. You could see him talking to Anderson right after the swanton, and I’m assuming he said to mic check him. Ray didn’t have to take it. He could have just rolled off the table into a pin. Anderson could have just pinned him on the table, or just elbow him or something to make it break and then go for the pin. But Ray seemed more than happy to risk injury to make the finish a solid finish and really put Anderson over. There are plenty of wrestlers out there that would be thrilled to have a shitty finish because the other guy couldn’t hit the move properly, and this would make him look better both in real life and in kayfabe-land.

Ken Anderson Over Bully Ray Following The Mic Check Through A Table.

Segment 8 – TNA Knockout’s Championship – Winter © vs. Mickie James vs. Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky w/ Special Referee Karen Jarrett.

Vice: Cewsh told me he had like 19 pages of crap to talk about with this match, so I’m going to keep this short:

This match was utter garbage, but I’m actually really glad to see Velvet win the title for some reason. Then again, I’d probably be happy with anyone winning it as long as it wasn’t Mickie James.

Oh, and Winter is mind-bogglingly hot.

Cewsh: Not quite 19 pages, but I do have a handy little list of things that are stupid about this match. I call it:



CEWSH’S LIST OF THINGS IN THIS MATCH WORSE THAN STEPPING ON A LEGO.

The entire premise of this match is that Karen Jarrett is the referee and in charge of the Knockouts, and that she hates Velvet and Mickie, so there’s no way they can win. She pretends not to notice when they get pins and openly roots for the heels, especially Madison. This could be terrific in theory, but…

1. The faces aren’t over enough to earn sympathy from this.

2. The heels aren’t over enough to be booed for this.

3. Karen isn’t a good enough actor to pull of her role.

4. As a result, this match muddles down into a murky mess of nonsense that seems to stretch on forever. It also may as well be a singles match between Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne because…

5. Winter, the champion, is easily the 5th most important person in this match. Madison is besties with Karen, Velvet and Mickie are the faces fighting the evil regime and Winter is just…there. It’s like they forgot she was even the champion when they wrote this storyline.

6. Tracy Brooks disobeys orders and runs down, possibly leading to that megahot Tracy Brooks vs. Karen Jarrett match we’ve all been hoping for.

7. Velvet Sky wins the championship. With no build. Following shenanigans. Seeing as what she needs is credibility since nobody sees her as a credible wrestler, having her win this way is only just better than having someone drop an anvil on Winter and have her get the pin that way.

8. Winter has now held the title twice and has yet to be given any character aside from “Evil Zombie Making Witch.”

9. Mickie James was actually the best she’s been in years here, and I can’t even be nice about it because of what went on around her.

10. Angelina Love, the second best female wrestler in the building that night, continues to be a manager for some reason. Rosita wrestles but Love doesn’t. That’s what God does to you because you masturbate too much.

Actually, that list comprises the entire match and everything in it. Hmm, must not have been too good, huh?

45 out of 100.

Velvet Sky Over Everyone Else Following A Move Of Questionable Veracity.

Segment 9 – I Quit Match – Christopher Daniels vs. AJ Styles.


Cewsh: In a way, this feud began with the very beginning of TNA, when Christopher Daniels, long earmarked as a future superstar in wrestling, was passed over by TNA management in favor of AJ Styles when it came time to hand out the main event pushes. Daniels supported AJ, and though they feuded off and on, they remained best friends through all the year afterwards as Styles became the face of the company and Daniels struggled for table scraps in his wake. Daniels was even fired last year only to be brought back at Styles’ behest, ever the loyal sidekick. Earlier this year though, something seemed to change with Daniels. Gone was the support and friendliness, replaced by what could only be called outright hostility directed at Styles who was absolutely befuddled by the change of heart. Suddenly Daniels began to rage that he had always been taken for granted, and now that he was nearing the end of his career he had nothing to show for it because he gave everything to AJ and got nothing in return. He begged for a match at Destination X to prove himself and he got it, losing to Styles in a hard fought match.

But that only made things worse.

Now Daniels has gone from bitter ex-friend to maniacal enemy bent on destroying the career and legacy of the man he once called his brother, and AJ Styles has put aside his reluctance to fight his friend to give vent to his own anger at this betrayal. And now they’ve got themselves into an I Quit match, one of the most violent stipulations in wrestling. Shit is about to go down.

Vice: I haven’t really read much of what people have said about this match, but if I had to guess, I’d say people either absolutely love it or despise it with a passion.

I can’t fault anyone for hating it because of all the craziness with Christopher Daniels and how he took things waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far when it came to mentioning AJ’s wife, kids, and how he is going to murder ol’ Mr. Styles live on PPV. And, you know, actually trying to murder him via SCREWDRIVER TO THE EYE SOCKET and attempting to throw a wrench at his skull like friggin’ Nolan Ryan. Though while AJ might be getting a lot of sympathy here, it’s not exactly like he’s an angel. After all, he did make Tommy Dreamer say “I Quit” by nearly gouging his eyeball out with a fork.

What I loved most about this was the finish, as it didn’t make the match nearly as disgusting overall. If Daniels really wanted to kill AJ, he could have accomplished it I’m sure. But while he did throw a wrench at him and tried stabbing his face in with the screwdriver, he did it in ways that AJ could fairly easily escape. It made Daniels seem like he was completely out of his mind without him reaaaaally being crazy. It was MIND GAMES. Like, if I wanted to legitimately kill Cewsh (for the 19th time) with my battle axe, I wouldn’t run at him in a cartoonish fashion with the axe way above my head as he watched me charge. No no. But charging like that would sure as hell make him think I was going for blood.

See, Daniels knows he can’t really beat AJ in a physical manner. It’s been proven numerous times over the years that in a fair wrestling match, AJ comes out on top. In a physical fight, AJ comes out on top. Why? Because AJ Styles has an ungodly amount of heart and absolutely refuses to quit. And now Daniels is in a match where he actually has to not only make AJ quit, but needs to have him yell it into a microphone for the [strike]whole world[/strike] 6,000 TNA fans to see? Yeah. Not going to happen if he does his usual routine. So Daniels decides to go completely crazy with weapons, bringing AJ’s family into the mix, and all of that really vile shit he did to try and break AJ mentally. But AJ has too much pride. Too much heart. He knows that Daniels doesn’t truly have it in him, and behind this crazy persona of his, he is just a man. A man that AJ can defeat.

I mentioned loving the finish before. Daniels immediately says he quits after he realizes his plan backfired tremendously. He didn’t break AJ. All he did was just piss him off that. much. more. And pissed off AJ is someone you don’t want to even be near, much less be his target. Especially if AJ has a screwdriver in his hand. Was AJ bluffing with the screwdriver and returning the mind games, or did Daniels truly awaken the beast? See, if this match ended with AJ butchering Daniels, or basically anything that wasn’t the finish we got, then Daniels might legitimately seem crazy, it might damage his character a lot, and the whole match might have been embarrassing for pro wrestling on a national stage. So, I’m glad that it was Daniels just trying to break AJ’s head in a figurative sense.

The icing on the cake was Daniels jumping AJ from behind when he was on the ramp celebrating. Daniels shows that he is just being a wily, opportunistic villain here and not some crazy horror movie murderer.

Pwned.

So in terms of the actual WRESTLING here, this match was nothing too special. But in terms of story and characters, this was pretty top notch for an I Quit match.

Cewsh: Make no mistake about it, this was a career defining performance from Christopher Daniels.

In countless matches before, Daniels has been accused of being bland, just doing the same old thing, not using psychology, etc, etc. All harsh criticisms and many of them even true, as the man seemed to develop his kind of match somewhere around 2002 and then just walked it around the independent circuit and in TNA from that point forward (with a few notable exceptions). He also stuck to essentially the same two characters. He was either nice guy Christopher Daniels who helps his buddy AJ and is a nice guy like he is in real life, or he was The Fallen Angel, sort of a cartoonish play on his theatrical side. Neither really tapped into much that would demand that a promotion push him, and perhaps that’s why none really ever did. But in this match, something entirely new came out of Mr. Daniels. And it was god damned glorious.

“Oh, Was I Too Awesome For You?”

From the moment this match started, Daniels was in complete control. He bullied AJ, he intimidated AJ, he threatened and cajoled AJ and he hit his former best friend in the way he knew he was most vulnerable to. He hit him emotionally. He stood over AJ’s broken body and told AJ’s wife to put the kids away so they didn’t see their father get killed. He took the threats of violence way past where AJ was expecting to go. And when AJ came at him with a screwdriver at the end of the match, openly ready to do horrible things, he promptly surrendered and refused AJ the satisfaction of getting his revenge, only to jump him on the stage and rub it in even further. This is the kind of virtuoso heel work I’d expect from the likes of Bully Ray or an on top of his game heel Anderson. To see it come from Daniels and hold together this entire match thematically so well is startling and well worth the wait.

Now, this match wasn’t perfect. I’ve always had trouble with cruiserweight grudge matches, where they want to hurt each other so bad but take the time to carefully orchestrate flips to the outside and the like, and that’s really what Styles does here mostly, to keep the match exciting. It very nearly jumps the shark to needlessly no selling, but not quite and that’s good. Because with AJ being AJ, and Daniels digging down deep and finding something better than he’s ever had access to before, this match was both men’s best since the last time they stood across from Samoa Joe.

85 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.


AJ Styles Over Christopher Daniels Following His Quitting.
Segment 10 – So Much For That Good Mood.
That’s Weird, I Even Didn’t Order A Pizza.

Cewsh: Quite unexpectedly, out to the ring marches Mr. Stroke himself, Jeff Jarrett (I’m going to feel terrible calling him that if he ever has a stroke, by the way). Jarrett is in a bit of a tizzy and he explains that the reason why is because he saw Jeff Hardy’s little apology awhile back and he knows he’s in Philly, so he’d best come the fuck out and face the music. He runs Hardy down saying that nobody wants him in the company (probably true), that nobody’s safe with him around (definitely true) and that the fans don’t like him anymore (unfortunately not true). Hardy comes down to offer his rebuttal in the form of some punching and they scrap for a little while as the crowd…doesn’t react to it in any way at all. They cheered a bit as Hardy came down to the ring, but when he started brawling with Jarrett you could’ve heard a pin drop, until finally D’lo Brown came to help break it up and the crowd went nuts cheering for HIM.

Look, I’m not going to go on a big rant about them bringing back Jeff Hardy. They feel that his well being is his problem and are just looking for main event wrestlers to propel their shows, and while I don’t agree with that, that doesn’t make them awful people. If Jeff wont help himself, then they aren’t responsible for doing it for him. But of all the ways to bring the man back, why on Earth would you choose to make him a conquering hero who takes the support of the crowd for granted? Jeff seriously fucked up and people are seriously angry at him about it. No doubt in time they’ll forgive him if he doesn’t fuck up, but in the meantime he’s just that guy who ruined a PPV and can’t be trusted, so why would you just assume that pointing this out over and over would engender anything but bitterness or, worse, apathy towards the man?

This isn’t doing him any favors and if we’re lucky he’ll be over again by the time he next shows up on drugs and ruins a show. But on the bright side, look forward to the next three months. That’s the average length of time Jeff puts in a real effort to be good after coming back from drug suspension. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Segment 11 – For Control of TNA – Street Fight – Hulk Hogan vs. Sting.


Cewsh: Think back to last year’s Bound For Glory. Have the memory of a lizard and can’t remember back that far? Here’s a refresher:

Cewsh:  The backstory to this match reaches back over a decade, as at the center of it all is the distrust and rivalry between Hulk Hogan and Sting. Recently Sting went nuts and turned heel and has been all over Jeff Jarrett and Hulk Hogan’s asses about a conspiracy he believes them (and Eric Bischoff) to be a part of. Why he cares so much and why he believes this to be the case is beyond me, but they have recruited a bitter and scorned D’Angelo Dinero to their cause with their random brainwashing, and Jeff Jarrett has responded by somehow convincing Samoa Joe to fight on his team. This match was supposed to also feature Hulk Hogan on that team, but he’s out with a back injury. Or is he?”

That was just before Hulk Hogan unleashed his grand scheme by turning Jeff Hardy heel and getting him the title and unleashing Immortal all over TNA, ultimately wresting control of the company from Dixie Carter entirely. Of course Sting knew all the time what was going on and tried to tell anybody, hell, everybody! But he could only get the ear of Dinero and Nash and the three of them were seen as heels because of their crazed attempts to warn the world of what was to come. Dixie should have listened. In the following year, Sting tried everything to get the company back, but nothing worked. So his solution was simple. Just go batshit insane. Viola! On came Joker Sting, a manic, crazy clown bent of nothing short of the complete mental breakdown of Hulk Hogan. For months he chipped away at the regime in any way possible, from winning the title to physically assaulting everyone in Immortal to trapping Eric Bischoff in a room with a bird. Hogan took it for as long as he could before he could stands no more and finally blurted out a challenge to Sting for a fight at Bound For Glory and if Sting won then Dixie could have her company back. Sting had riled up Hogan so much he had made the man make a mistake. All Sting wanted was to bring that fire out of Hogan, to remind him of the man he used to be so that he could see the damage he had done with these corporate politics. And now he was going to get his chance.

Now that backstory is epic. Just marvelously, endlessly god damned epic. It’s a good thing that it is, because this match has a less than zero chance of living up to it and everyone involved clearly knows it. Right off the bat they start flooding this match with every trick they can think of to distract from the actual physical confrontation. Flair comes out and is a pesky annoyance all match long, the referee has turned out to be Bischoff’s son and there is a great deal of speculation as to whether or not he will do the right thing if the time comes, and there are so many long, lingering shots of Dixie Carter looking worried in the 3rd row (because front row is too expensive I guess), that I have to believe that the camera man was touching himself furiously.

He Could Have A Thing For Serg, I Suppose.

About a minute in everybody is busted open, and from there they totter along through the match until Sting slaps on the Scorpion Death Lock and Hogan taps, giving Dixie her company back, much to her excitement. But wait, there’s more! Immortal runs down to ask the ref why in the fuck he actually counted that submission and to beat Sting the fuck up. Bischoff winds up nailing his own son with a chair and they take turns beating up Sting until finally HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD BROTHERS.

“Oh Wait, Is THAT What Charisma Looks Like?”

Hulk Hogan rips his shirt off, promptly grows about 3 feet taller and along with Sting starts laying waste to everyone in his vicinity as the crowd goes BANANA for them teaming up together. It’s a real feel good moment as they pose together for the fans, Sting finally having achieved his goal and finished his over one year long quest to give Hulk his redemption. Happy endings. Aww.

Initially, when I sat down and thought about this match, I was pretty hard on it. There’s hardly anything you could recognize as a match, and I’ve seen Rock’em Sock’em Robots with more mobility than these two. But when I sat back and thought about the big grin plastered on my face when Hogan and Sting joined forces to defeat Hogan’s dark side given flesh in Immortal, I realized that I was missing the point. This was never meant to be a good match. This was meant to be a feel good moment that will shape the future of TNA, and on both counts they got it absolutely correct. So you can nitpick if you’d like, and you wouldn’t even be wrong to do so, but I’ll meet them in the middle for a C. Because I’m a Real American and I score for the rights of every man.

70 out of 100.

Vice: I don’t know why, or how, but I absolutely loved pretty much everything this match gave us. The ring work was fairly shit because Hogan can’t really do much wrestling after all his surgeries, so a lot of it was up to Sting, and considering he’s really not that much younger… yeah.

But somehow it all just worked. It was great professional wrestling and working within the numerous limitations of all those involved. Sting wins, which was to be expected, but it was still a cool moment with Dixie going all crazy outside the ring. And then Immortal comes out and beats the shit out of Sting, which was also to be expected, but it was marvelously done. A beaten, broken, battered, and still getting his ass kicked Sting crawling his way towards Hogan begging for help was fantastic. And good fucking god the crowd lost their shit when Hogan hulked up and joined forces with Sting to clear the squared circle.

I’m Sorry, But This Is Just Awesome.

These guys are dinosaurs, and one can’t even wrestle anymore, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be entertaining as hell. And this was.

I don’t know how many stars aligned on this night for this match to not be a complete mess, but the universe did in fact jump through hoops on this night.


Sting Over Hulk Hogan Following The Scorpion Death Lock.
Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt Angle © vs. Robert Roode.

Cewsh: I’ve told this story here already, I feel. But as a refresher let’s just say that Roode won the BFG Series for this shot, Angle is underestimating him, and if Roode wins here, Immortal will be completely and soundly defeated and his dreams will come true. 13 year journey, worked all his life, midcarder done good, you get the idea.

Vice: This match really took me back to the days of Angle and Benoit wrestling. Roode is obviously no Benoit outside of not having a ton of over the top personality, being Canadian and using the crossface for a finisher, but it just flowed like one of their matches. Loved the counters, reversals, and the finishers on display here. Despite being 14 minutes long (a good time, really), it still felt a bit rushed. Though I’m not sure if that’s the right word. Maybe frantic? These two cut out a lot of the beginning story and the feeling out process and whatever and went right into intense within 2-3 minutes. So I’m not sure if that’s them being short on time, or the story of the match being Angle not giving Roode enough credit/underestimating him right off the bat, and Roode giving it 150% from the get go to catch Angle off guard. As a complete match, I don’t think this works, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t entertaining.

Cewsh: Fuck no, this match was quite entertaining, and almost shockingly so for two guys who haven’t necessarily been known for electrifying matches in recent years. Maybe it was the shortened time that lended a feel or urgency to the match, or maybe it was Roode really, finally having a strong character to play off of and fan support to get behind him, but their exchanges were fast and furious, and that’s not nearly as homoerotic as it sounds.

Vice: This was by far Roode’s best singles match, and it isn’t really a surprise that it was with Kurt Angle in a main event. I’m beyond thrilled that Roode was REALLY able to show that he belonged at the top, as he has been doubted plenty of times, both in kayfabe and in real life. He gave it his all and it all paid off.

With The Death Of Kurt Angle.

Well it would have, had he won the match. A questionable decision, but it could create a wonderful feud with Storm and really give him some fire and character. Definitely a “what the fuck?” moment at first glance, but also one that needs to play out before it can truly be judged.

Cewsh: I can see where those complaints might be coming from, seeing as the whole idea of wrestling is supposed to be that in the end the good guy wins the match, gets the girl, takes home the gold and everybody goes away happy. It’s this kind of idealistic thinking that is at the very base of what wrestling is, why it’s staged and how it remains continually satisfying through the years. People have trouble letting go of this as a storytelling mechanism because its hard to separate this from what they think wrestling to be. The way its supposed to go.

Vice: But hey, if you want to get realistic here, there are tons of people in sports that were in similar positions as Roode, being doubted and needing to prove themselves, or being built up with that “it’s his dream and ultimate goal!” treatment.. only to get knocked out in the first round. To get trampled by the other team. To strike out with the winning run on base. To get injured in the second quarter. To come up 3 yards short when it counts most. It happens all the time. Every day.

And another hey, if Roode won the match, there’d still be just as much complaining because he isn’t actually ready to be THE MAN, that his build did not warrant such a win over Angle on their biggest show, that he’s not a good enough worker, that he should not be champion. And then people would be shitting on TNA for pushing one of their own homegrown guys that’s been very loyal to the company, and then complain if the title went to an ex-WWE/WCW guy instead. It really all just blows my mind.

I can understand people blowing up about the finish of this match, but it didn’t bother me much if at all. It was still a very solid bout.

Cewsh: Ultimately, even though Roode lost and Sting won, this was the right match to cap the show. The fans may not have been sent home with their favorite wrestler getting his hand raised, but its important to realize the differences between TNA and the WWE format we’ve been familiar with all our lives. WWE lives one month at a time. They construct a storyline one month at a time, and each month they blow it off to some degree, or introduce a new element to drive it forward in some significant way, but always the matches themselves are the focus. But TNA uses their PPVs purely for storyline purposes. They never had any intention of having Bobby Roode win the title at their Wrestlemania, because that isn’t the story that they’re telling.

Sorry Bobby. You’re The One Who Chose To Work Here.

Him losing at Wrestlemania is a vitally important part to the story that will progress even further next week when…well if you don’t know yet I wont tell you, but believe me, it all fits together.

Many fans don’t like this sort of continuous, never breaking story structure that has become TNA’s bread and butter. They want closure, they want redemption, and sometimes like with Sting and Hogan, they get it. But TNA doesn’t give that shit away easy and you’ll find none of it here. Just a strong match between two talented wrestlers that will lead inevitably to the next.

Call me crazy, but I can’t help but see something in that, at the end of the day.

80 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Kurt Angle Over Robert Roode Following Shenanigans.

—————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: There is bound to be a lot, A LOT, of conflicting opinion about this show. Hell, just between the three of us, much of the thinking is so different that you’d think we’d all watched totally different programs. But when it comes down to it, this show was just a show. Without the fancy graphics and the hype on the Today Show and ESPN, and without the name on the marquee, this is just a show like any other for TNA. There were some great performances, some strong matches and some breakthroughs. And there were also so instances where the human brain was defied to provide description for the horrors before it. That’s TNA, wrapped up in a little box, and provided for your inspection month after month and year after year.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I always assuming that TNA making shows like this made them crazy. But the more time gets on, I’m starting to think that we’re the crazy ones for time and again expecting them to change.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 72.35 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, the match quality was definitely hit or miss throughout the show, but this had a bit of something for everybody and felt like a complete, well-rounded show. And like previous Bound for Glories, things have been shaken up a fair bit. Factor in the changes in creative talent as well, and who knows what’s in store for TNA in the future. It should be interesting.

Vice’s Final Score: 72 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh’s Malarkey:


Ms. Cewsh: Since I haven’t watched more than a few minutes of TNA since the last time I did a review, I don’t feel like I can comment on each match. Out of context, I did like the street fight with Anderson/Bully Ray, even if I did feel like some of the spots were too brutal for my comfort. Aries/Kendrick was really exciting at the time, but when Vice asked me what I thought of it a few days later, I’d forgotten it happened. It didn’t leave an impression.

On the bad side, I don’t care if we have to “lower our expectations” for Hogan/Sting. It was a just sub-par brawl, but the post-match beatdown was bad and went on far too long. It wasn’t OK for Hogan to run though the biggest heel stable in the company when everyone knows he can’t even take a bump. And while a little blood can add to a heated match, I never felt like this match gained enough momentum to justify the brutality. The amount was absolutely disgusting.

The Knockouts, for better or worse, are a division and you can’t say, oh what did you expect from them? I didn’t even watch it. 10 out of 10 overall! Yay! The match was slow, cluttered, and doomed from the very beginning. Velvet looked abysmal. If she’s the best option for champion, they should pack up the division. It’s done. I will, however, praise Mickey James who put out her best ring-work in years. It’s a shame she was in the same match as Velvet, Karen, and a non-official counting the pin.


Mrs. Cewsh’s Final Score: 57.25 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hoped you enjoyed this trip to the heights of Mt. TNA. We saw all there was to see in that strange, strange world they’ve got down there in Orlando, and as always we’ll be coming back for more. Not next week, though, as next week we have a special treat for you. See, earlier this year there was a huge disaster in Japan, with huge floods and nuclear reactors melting down and all sorts of miserable craziness. You may have heard about it if you are physically capable of turning on a television. Well in Japan, they damn sure did hear about it, and the three biggest wrestling companies in the country (New Japan, All Japan and Pro Wrestling NOAH) joined forces for a once in a lifetime supershow starring the best of all three brands in a show completely for charity going to those who were in need of help. They brought together the entire wrestling world in Japan to run this megashow, and we’re bringing in every reviewer we’ve got to review it as Cewsh Reviews goes All Together to bring Puro Party Month to its perfect conclusion. Don’t miss it. But at any rate, until then be sure to keep reading, and as always be good to one another!

Stick A Screwdriver In ‘Er, Kids. She’s Done.

The Top 10 Matches Of John Cena

Hola amigos and amigettes, welcome to yet another Sunday Supplement.  Now in the past we’ve done all sorts of things with the mostly legal supplements, but by far my favorite is lists and you guys seem to agree as they’re many of our most beloved Supplements.  So this week we’ll be pairing something beloved (lists) with something…shall we say less beloved (Mr. John Cena).  All through the allustrious career of Mr. Cena, he’s had his share of critics (and everyone else’s share too) who knocked everything from his moveset, to his lack of selling, to his inability to understand ring psychology.  If you asked one of these critics to name a good John Cena match, many would be hard pressed to, whether out of genuine distaste or just stubborness.  We here at Cewsh Reviews have been as harshly critical of the man as anyone, including Vice’s 17 verse long epic poem entitled “Sell the Fucking Leg, You Twat”, but here tonight we’ll be looking back at the matches that show that there’s more to the man than fluorescent colors and jorts.  So here they are, the 10 best matches of the Doctor of Thuganomics as categorized by yours truly.

I think some of these may surprise you.

10. John Cena vs. Edge – TLC – WWE Unforgiven 2006

John Cena and Edge.  Back in a time when we could only hope that CM Punk would rise above midcard status on ECW and when Randy Orton was just finding his feet as a main eventer, Edge was the rival that first took John Cena to his limits.  But rather than Orton’s equal physical gifts, or Punks greater wrestling ability, Edge fought Cena by being everything that Cena wasn’t.  Edge was brash, arrogant, and would take any opportunity no matter how villainous to get the title that he craved so much.  For an entire year these two battled off and on after Edge first cashed in the first Money in the Bank briefcase to beat a battered Cena for the title back in February.  The matches were good, but it took Edge fully getting into Cena’s head by slapping his father and throwing his custom title in the river to really get Cena ready to do some damage.  In order to get this match, Cena agreed to leave and go to Smackdown for 3 years if he lost and agreed to let Edge choose the place and the match.  Edge chose his hometown of Toronto and a match type he helped make famous and had never lost in, Tables, Ladders and Chairs.

It was a great match, with Cena wrestling a kind of match we’ve never seen him try before, and it was one of the few times when Cena has ever shown genuine anger in a match.  By the end, an Attitude Adjustment off the top of a ladder made John Cena WWE Champion again, and put this feud to rest.

Wheeee!

For the time being, at least.


9. John Cena vs. Triple H – Wrestlemania XXII

This may almost seem quaint now, but there was once a time where nobody booed John Cena at all.  He was a beloved up and comer and had tons of fan support all around until somewhere around his feud with Kurt Angle when the “smarks” began to turn on him.  From there on there was always a smattering of boos to be had here and there, nothing truly major, but WWE never acknowledged it until Triple H won a tournament to get a shot at John Cena’s WWE Championship at Wrestlemania and he promptly began saying all the things those vocal booers had been saying all along.  That Cena couldn’t wrestle, that he was all heart and no skill, that he didn’t have what it took in the main event.  Cena’s oinly comeback to all of these accusations was a simple “You’ll see”, as his boos grew louder and the heel Triple H’s cheers grew louder..

The Battle Lines For Fans Were Drawn Then And There, And Fans Have Been Fighting Ever Since.

Then came the match itself, preceded by two of the most legendary entrances in wrestling history with Cena’s gangster drive in (with the widdle CM Punk along for the ride) and Triple H’s crazy Conan the Barbarian shenanigans.  The pageantry was great, but the real story was the atmosphere.  The dominant star with the crowd in his corner against the beleaguered young champ trying to shake off boos he wasn’t expecting was a story told so well, and over the course of the match Triple H essentially flat out turned face with everything from playing to the crowd to an outright crotch chop tease of DX.  Ultimately Cena beat him, going a long way to cementing himself as the top guy of this generation along the way, but while the match is often forgotten when great Wrestlemania main events are discussed, it shouldn’t be.  This may have been the hottest crowd for such a main event in our lifetime.


8. John Cena vs. Kurt Angle -Smackdown 2003

The year was 2002.  In those long gone days of yore, there was no “the Champ is Here”, no movie deals or endorsements  and not even any “Word Life”.  Back then John Cena was just a hungry kid down in OVW who dreamed of hitting in big in the big leagues.  On June 27th, he got his wish as Kurt Angle made an open challenge to anyone in the locker room that he had never wrestle before.  In response, out came the spikey haired, bright red underwear clad Cena, positively rippling with muscles and enthusiasm.  Angle gave him the once over and asked him incredulously what it was that made Cena think he had what it took to be in the ring with an Olympic Gold Medalist.  Cena replied in two words, “Ruthless.  Aggression.” and the future of World Wrestling Entertainment shifted a bit.

John Cena: Psychic.

What followed was perhaps the most technically well wrestled match of Cena’s career as he and Angle traded near falls, counters, reversals, suplexes and roll ups all over the ring, with the younger Cena constantly getting the better of Angle.  Even here you can see all the hallmarks that turned Cena into what he would become, from the boundless charisma and enthusiasm to the knowledge of how to feed through moves to keep the excitement rising up without deflating the crowd.  Kurt Angle walked the newcomers through a really fantastic match before finally beating him and retreating to the back, looking genuinely shocked at the fight that was put up by this total no name.  I wish I could tell you that everything fell into place for Cena after that, but it didn’t and he struggled for years to accomplish anything close to as good as his first 15 minutes of fame.  But that’s more of a compliment to this match than anything else.

7. John Cena vs. Rob Van Dam – WWE One Night Stand 2006

There are some matches that are great because they’re technical wrestling showcases.  There are some matches that are great because they contain high risk moments that take your breath away.  There are some matches that are great because they achieve something legendary in their storytelling.  And then there are some times when a match can be great simply by existing.

When Rob Van Dam won the Money in the Bank Ladder Match at Wrestlemania 22, he wasted absolutely no time in telling the world exactly what the deal was.  He walked right up to John Cena on Raw and informed him that since he could decide when and where he’d get his match, he wanted a home field advantage.  So he cashed it in for a title match against John Cena at ECW One Night Stand at the Hammerstein Ballroom.  Which is somewhat akin to challenging Derek Jeter to a fight at Fenway Stadium in Boston, not exactly ideal for Jeter.  Cena took it like a man, even while the fans in attendance showered him with the mother of all boos.

See, John Cena had come to represent everything these smarks hated about wrestling, and now that the anti-christ had walked into their house to face their champion, they let him have it like nothing i’ve ever seen before, or would see until Cena met Punk in Chicago (more on that later).  Undaunted by this, Cena produced perhaps his most indelible image as a champion walking to the ring, unafraid and unconcerned.  Accompanied by this is an even more indelible image, of a crowd afraid of what may come.

You May Have Seen It Once Or Twice Before.

When it became clear that the fans wouldn’t warm to him, he started taunting them, driving them even wilder as he and Van Dam squared off to see which would be champion.  Cena’s gradual decent into heel tactics at the behest of the crowd is not only one of his best performances, but was also an ingenious ploy to keep those fans hot from bell to bell.  When Edge finally darted in to spear Cena and cost him the title, the man who had been the biggest heel in the building not half an hour earlier was regaled with chants of “Thank you, Edge!” from a joyous crowd.

6. John Cena vs. Randy Orton – Iron Man Match – WWE Bragging Rights 2010

“Having watched this entire match, I have a jumble of emotions towards it. At various points it was fun, boring, hard hitting, a little weak, fantastic, a little lame, and a million other things that are all wrapped up into one full hour of wrestling. Iron man matches are notoriously difficult to do, because of how hard it is to keep the crowd involved, and there is no way to deny that they did that all the way through, and these two guys have a chemistry that I find it hard to believe that anyone can deny anymore, no matter how little they like either man. Yes, you know what? This was a fucking great match. It takes some thinking in order to wrap your whole mind around the experience as a single match, but greatness is what happened here.

Could it have been better? It’s hard to say, though certain points probably could have been better. Should Orton have won? It’s my opinion that he absolutely should have. But is this one of the best matches this year? Yeah, it really, really is.”

Source: Cewsh Reviews WWE Bragging Right 2009

This is the first match on the countdown thus far that we personally got a chance to review.  It got a 90 (consider how that puts the rest of these matches in perspective, score wise).  It didn’t just get that score because this match had an absolutely epic backstory, or because these two were at their absolute peak in terms of storytelling, or because its another in an endless series of matches proving that John Cena is the king of gimmick matches.  It was great because of all of those things, true, but way more because it was just so damned FUN.  For one entire hour John Cena and Randy Orton kept their audience’s rapt attention as they pulled every rabbit out of every hat, from announce table spots, to clever reversals, to Randy actually trying to DETONATE JOHN CENA WITH PYRO.  It was a rollicking adventure from start to finish and when the smoke cleared, John Cena had won this epic feud closing contest, and quite a few people left an arena having gotten their money’s worth and more.

5. John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels – Monday Night Raw 2007

John Cena and Shawn Michaels don’t have much in common.  John tries to be the everyman and does most of his wrestling relying on fist punching related offense, whereas the flashy and beloved Michaels is smooth and athletic and is widely considered one of the best wrestlers ever to live.  You might have imagined, therefore, that when these two met for a Raw main event the night after their Wrestlemania matchup, that this would be an example of Cena doing his five moves of doom while Michaels made a decent match around him for 12 minutes or so.  45 minutes later those expectations had been pulverized by a truly incredible match between two wrestlers that melded far better than their styles should have possibly allowed.  Michaels was Michaels, of course, but here he was especially good as a man who was bent on proving to himself and everyone that he was simply better than this kid who had seized control of the main event.  But this was not in any way a carry job, as Cena held his own, genuinely growing as a performer right in front of our eyes as he kept up with Michaels step for step, frustrating the veteran again and again with his resilience and fire.

By the time the bell sounded, these two men hadn’t just had themselves a good match, they had had a match for the ages that was so good that no less than Chris Jericho himself has credited with inspiring him to get back into wrestling out of jealousy.  It was THAT good.

But the funny thing is, it’s not even the best match John Cena had that week.


4. John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels – WWE Wrestlemania XXIII

The year was 2007, and by the time Wrestlemania rolled around, there was no question that John Cena was the king of the WWE jungle.  He had won the title, effectively retired Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle from WWE competition, and he had defeated Triple H definitively the year before.  He was riding high at the top of his game, when all of a sudden he faced a challenge he never expected from the last man anyone expected to step up.Mr. Wrestlemania himself.  See, Shawn had watched Cena rise to the top of WWE, and it had been eating at him bit by bit the whole time.  He knew in his heart that he was a better wrestler than this new kid, and he knew that he could beat him to become champion again.  So when Shawn won a shot at Cena at Wrestlemania and began to befriend Cena, John was all for it, but there was something sinister in Michaels that wasn’t there before.  Wrestler after wrestler tried to make Cena see reason, that Michaels had at one time betrayed every teammate he had ever had as Cena and Michaels pushed forward as dominant tag team champions together, but Cena just refused to accept it.  Michaels even went so far as to tell the man:

“I will have your back until WrestleMania. I’ve turned against all my partners and more importantly, I’ve stabbed all my friends in the back. But with you, John, it’s different.”

One week later, Michaels superkicked John Cena directly into his shocked face.

So when this match finally rolled around, Cena was unusually livid and passionate for him.  He went after Michaels, while Michaels smoothly cut him off at every pass, working over his leg in some of the most masterful ways I have ever seen as Cena seemed to fade more and more, dominated by his superior.  But John Cena is John Cena, and he would not be put down so easily.  he fought back and beat Michaels, cementing himself (aside from some unfortunate leg no selling which would later become a hallmark of his) as a terrific performer and one of the highest profile champions WWE had ever had.

3. John Cena vs. CM Punk – WWE Money in the Bank 2011

I’m sure this one is still fresh in the mind of anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock for the past 6 months.  CM Punk turned the WWE on its head to get his revenge on the WWE, by getting his title match in his home city of Chicago.  If he lost, he was gone.  If he won he won gone too, but he would leave WWE Champion and make history.  So everything from the title lineage of the WWE title, to Vince McMahon’s credibility, to his status as a great champion rode on the broad shoulders of one John Cena as he attempted to defend his title in perhaps the only crowd I have ever seen that was even more hostile than the one he faced in Philadelphia.  Chicago could sense the winds of change coming, and their beloved native son rode that wave to the kind of heroes welcome more generally heard for conquering war heroes, while Cena himself was met with what could only be called venom from the packed crowd in Chi-Town.

They’re Saying BOO-URNS.

But this match wasn’t all about the crowd.  From the very start, Cm Punk and John Cena set about establishing something that so incredibly hard to capture in wrestling.  The big fight feel.  And not only did they nail it, but they nailed it so well that this 40+ minute match seemed to fly by as each man threw their all into defending the very ideals they stood for.  Punk busted his ass here and earned every bit of the hype he had always had, but it was Cena who took this match to incredible heights, not only with his timing and, yes, selling, but also with his acting.  For the first time in all his years riding the top of the WWE stallion, he had never truly expressed real doubt that he would be able to win.  He had never lost confidence in himself that he had the ability to beat someone.  But when CM Punk kicked out of everything he had to offer time and time again you could visibly see it start to rattle Cena and he became more and more unraveled as the match went on.  Finally Vince and Johnny Ace came down to help, but Cena decked Ace, demanding that this be a fair match.  One Go 2 Sleep later and the unthinkable had happened.  CM Punk was your new champion.  And he was gone.

Years from now, when we talk about both of these men, we will continually come back to this night and this match as one of the truly defining moments in the careers of each.  Each man has had better matches, sure, but and ones more technically sound.  But none quite so unforgettable.

2. John Cena vs. Bobby Lashley – WWE Great American Bash 2007

John Cena and Bobby Lashley are not exactly high in the pantheon of the great technical wrestlers of all time. Prior to this match, Bobby Lashley’s best performance had come as a result as him being carried as much as is physically possible by Findlay during their feud, and that’s coming from me, the biggest fan of Bobby Lashley not directly related to him.  Cena was riding high off of several of the best performances of his career to that point, but there was one thing that he had never even come close to doing.  He had never carried a match himself and made it something great with his own skills.  Nearly always before this Cena had wrestled guys significantly more experienced than himself to make him look good, but now he was the one with the experience and the responsibility to see that the match worked.  Did he rise to the challenege?

Like nobody ever believed possible.

Not only did Cena lead the green but talented Lashley to a fantastic competitive match, but he looked like an absolute mat general in doing so.  The match was so far beyond the bounds of what anyone could have reasonably expected from either man that to this day i’m still a little bit in disbelief that it even took place.  Cena and Lashley melded so well and made each other look so good that even Ian Rotten couldn’t have dreamed up a way to fuck this up.  Unfortunately Lashley soon left due to issues between WWE and his fiance Kristal Marshall, but this match will stand the test of time as a monument to what could have been, and as the day that John Cena took the final step into wrestling adulthood.

1. John Cena vs. Edge – Last Man Standing – WWE Backlash 2009

“Holy Christ, where to begin?

This is the premiere feud of our generation of wrestling. You can make arguments for a few others here and there, good arguments even, but this is the money feud that will define this generation. The top star of this era verses the greatest heel of the 2000s, and not only are they massively over, and tremendously talented, and have fantastic history together, but they have better chemistry together than any two WWE main eventers that I have ever seen. Its one thing to have great matches sometimes with a few guys, and its entirely another for two great wrestlers to bring each other up to an entirely alien and incredible level each and every time they stand in a ring together. Just seeing them stand side by side, you can almost see sparks flying with how tangible their chemistry is, and WWE has to be so grateful, but I’ve never seen anything like it.

You put Edge and John Cena in the ring together, and you get greatness. Anytime, anyplace.
I couldn’t even begin to tell you how this match was incredible. I couldn’t even conceive of putting into mere words the way that these two men play off of each other, and draw the personality and fire out of each other like nothing I have ever seen. How do you describe a match that takes 3 weeks of weak build, a momentumless and bland Cena, and turns it into the most compelling match that has been wrestled this year? I don’t know, guys. I just don’t have the words. I have never been speechless, but that’s what I am, sitting at my keyboard trying to will the words into existence. But there aren’t any.

I will give this match the greatest compliment that I have to bestow. I can’t remember the last time I said this about a match, but I wanted to be there. I wanted so badly to be at ringside seeing this epic opera of violence unfold in front of me. I want to give WWE my money and follow them blindly in the vacant hopes that I could possibly get to feel this way about a match again. This match didn’t get a perfect score, and if it did not then I truly have no idea what possibly ever could. I truly do not.

Give me another match between these two at Wrestlemania, WWE. Give me this match, unbroken for hours and hours. Give me hope that you can do this again.
I want to be more specific about the actual content of the match, but I don’t think I can possibly do it justice. It’s a 40 minute match filled with enormous spots, a million near finishes, and the most impressive finish of the year by far. I can’t be more specific than that, and I shouldn’t have to. You should already be downloading this. Treasure it for yourself.”

I said that in 2009, a night after watching this match.  And after numerous repeat watchings, I wouldn’t change a word about it.  Anyone would be proud to have this match on this resume.  Hell, anyone would straight up be flattered.  

Well that’ll do it for this happy funtime jamboree boys and girls.  We hope you learned something valuable from all this, or at least were able to make it through your work day without force choking a co worker thanks to us.  With any luck these lists will leave you with a more thoughtful perspective on the career of John Cena, which has been packed with fantastic matches as well as godawful ones.  However if you still choose to be one of those fans who refuses to recognize any good a wrestler has done, or one of those fans who refuses to acknowledge any fault the man has done either, then I believe that John Cena has a very special message for you.  

Make Like Mario And Get Yourself A Life.

WWE Hell in a Cell 2011

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

 
WWE Hell in a Cell 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the rip roaring, loud snoring, runaway bear that is Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we cover the only show of the year that FORCES us to curse just talking about it (aside from IWA:MS shows), WWE Hell in a Cell 2011. Tonight 5 men will enter the cell structure in which so much brutality has been done over the years. The images are so vivid and brutal that they’ve reached unforgettable status. Foley being thrown off of the cell, Lesnar atop the cell over the broken body of the Undertaker, a beaten and battered Triple H lifting the sliedgehammer for one last desperation shot before being Batista Bombed into oblivion. These matches are greatest among all those in WWE when it comes to instilling a sense of brutality and destruction. And tonight, we will have two. But that’s not all we have here on this magical night. Many titles are on the line, a few feuds are kicking into to overdrive, and what’s this I hear about a new title belt…? As always, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Normally here, you’ll see me describe these videos as “affecting” or “brilliant” or even “shitsheeped” if I’m feeling feisty; but none of those words are coming to mind after watching the hype video for this show. For this video, all I can think of is “FUCKINGSWEEEEEEEEET”. And while that may not be what a sensible person might recognize as a real word, it certainly sums up my thoughts here, as once again WWE takes their Hell in a Cell concept and uses it to knock a video out of the park. From the evil voice, to the brilliant framing of the cell always pushing its way to the forefront to the way it makes the two cell matches sound like death traps for incredibly brave men, every bit of it just sells this show so much more than a promo or advertisement could.

I’ve said before that I feel like WWE and TNA really miss out on an opportunity by saving these videos for the shows themselves. I understand the idea of hyping people up at the beginning of the show, and I fully agree with it, but they’re sitting on what could possibly be their single most effective marketing tool and it’s a shame. Because with videos like this, my wallet starts trying to grow legs and hitchhike to Vince McMahon’s house, and god knows WWE could use anything that inspires that from their fans these days.

In fact, while we’re at it, they should bring back the Brawl 4 All tournament. I’d pay to see that too.

Segment 2 – Christian vs. Sheamus

Cewsh: Alright, now the story behind this one goes back basically all the way to April. Sheamus came over to Smackdown from Raw and Christian was the babyface champion, and ever since then, these two men have each begun a total transformation. Christian from the underdog hero to the crybaby villain and Sheamus from the brutal ass kicking heel to…the brutal ass kicking face who tells jokes. At any rate, thanks to the thin Smackdown main event, these two have been stepping all over each other trying to get at whatever title shots were available until Mark Henry just went ahead and leapfrogged them both. Now tensions have boiled over with the title out of sight and Sheamus has been making a fool of Christian for weeks, so now they’re set on doin’ some fightin;

Before they can, though, we get a shot of the crowd and specifically one dude in glasses wearing a “We Hate Cena” t-shirt. Before we get a chance to wonder why the fuck he’s so important, a security guard forces him out of the way to reveal Miz and R-Truth standing behind him holding tickets. You may recall that Triple H fired and then personally ejected (like DJ Jazzy Jeff ejected) both of them the previous week so this is certainly a matter of interest. Also i’d feel bad for the guy who got ejected from his seat, but honestly I feel even worse for Miz and Truth, who can’t even afford front row tickets.

Also, There Is Nothing Not Great About This Picture.

Anyway, naturally John Laurenitus shows up at this point with some goons and kick them out, even if they are totally ticket holding customers. The crowd then bursts into “let them stay chants” which, much like phone calls from Chris Hero, Laurenitus ignores.

At any rate, then we have ourselves a match, and some match it is. The deal is that Christian is a slippery and wily veteran who has Sheamus entirely scouted and is just looking for any chance to get the Killswitch on him because he knows that’s the only real weapon he has to defeat the big man. Sheamus, for his part, is here to maul Christian at every opportunity, so the match involves Christian running away and taking every opportunity while Sheamus puts a beating on him whenever he can be caught. Not only is this a simple and effective formula, but they carry it out beautifully here as the match becomes almost a showcase for Sheamus. The fans really respond to everything the man does, and when he goes from the ground to the top rope in one smooth rolling motion, you would think the man slammed Andre the Giant for the reaction. After he finally buries Christian with the Brouge Kick, they give him practically a standing ovation. I’m not going to be the first to say it, I’m sure, but babyface Sheamus has some serious, SERIOUS potential. You don’t get a likable killing machine everyday. Or any day, come to think of it.

This match was an utter success, both in culminating their storyline, and in putting both men over as masters of their respective styles. Sheamus got the win, but Christian isn’t diminished, and the only bad thing here is that the clean win for Sheamus might mean we wont get a sequel. Which, judging by this match, would be a fucking crime.

83 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Sheamus Over Christian Following The Brogue Kick.

Segment 3 – Mark Henry, World’s Strongest Comedian.

Cewsh: Our World Heavyweight Champion is backstage with the evidently not fired Matt Striker as Striker tries to dance around the question of how Henry can really expect to beat Orton tonight in a Hell in a Cell match.

Striker Seems Really Pleased To Have Gotten This Interview Opportunity.

Henry responds to this by unleashing the world’s most accurate Matt Striker imitation before explaining that he’ll kick Orton’s ass up in the air, he’ll kick in ass right in a chair. He’ll kick his ass inside a box, he’ll kick his ass and enjoy some lox. There is no limit to areas in which Henry will fight, confident as he is with his incredible might. So he hopes that Orton has prepared himself well, because his next nap will take place inside of a cell.

Dr. Seuss? More like Dr. Cewsh.

Segment 4 – Sin Cara vs. Negro Cara.

Cewsh: Mistaken identity! Twins! Bitter jealousy! Double crossing! Shirtless men! All this and more on the next episode of Telemundo’s hit show Dos Sin Caras Ay Yay Yay!

For the past few weeks, something has been odd about Sin Cara. After he made his comeback from his injury at Money in the Bank (*cough**cough*) he began to show a much more aggressive side in matches, first showing frustration and anger and then blatantly heeling over Daniel Bryan at every opportunity. Even more shocking, the man actually spoke and said that everything was the same and nothing was wrong. As the weeks went on, though, it became clear that something was very different. Finally one day we found out just how different when ANOTHER Sin Cara appeared and ran to the ring. This Sin Cara made it clear that he felt that he was the real Sin Cara and the other man was a usurper. The other Sin Cara proceeded to attack the original Sin Cara at every opportunity and finally cut a promo on Smackdown claiming that he had been Mistico before Sin Cara stole his identity in Mexico (true, though with quite a few details left out) and that here in the WWE he was just repaying the favor. So now they are to finally meet here to determine who is the real Sin Cara once and for all.

Like, And Yet Unlike.

Right from the entrances, you can tell that this is sort of a special situation. Sin Cara comes out in his usual way, though he looks more agitated than usual. But then comes Negro Cara comes out to a slowed down and perverted, almost demonic version of Sin Cara’s theme, with black and red everywhere instead of blue and gold. He does all of Sin Cara’s mannerisms including his pyro jump into the ring and then they stand across the ring from each other. Inverted reflections from the same mold, with the slightly bigger Negro Cara leering down at the original, savoring every moment of the mockery he has made of the other man’s legacy. Savoring his sweet revenge. If this doesn’t sound awesome to you, then I question your eligibility as part of the human race.

You know who it doesn’t sound awesome to, though? Every person in attendance at this show. From the very start, the fans are almost absolutely silent during the match as these two fly all over the place in dazzling fashion.

Except For When Negro Cara Tries Out His New Surfboard.

Despite some missteps here are there (oddly enough, most of them by Negro Cara), this was truly an exhibition of exactly how great Sin Cara could be when given the chance, and Negro Cara keeps up with him every step of the way, making for an entertaining and exciting lucha match the likes of which has never really been seen in WWE. Maybe the whole never been seen part is why the fans could not have given less of a shit if the people under the mask were Mark Jindrak and Eric Escobar. Whatever the reason, the complete lack of interest from them really put a damper on what otherwise could have been a very solid match from these two, and probably Sin Cara’s best to date, and I want to give credit to the man where its due, what reactions there were were purely due to the crowd pandering that comes so naturally to Mr. Mistico. But ultimately, a hot crowd can amplify a match’s quality considerably, and you’d best believe that a dead crowd can send it in the opposite direction. These people just did not like them some Sin Cara.

As I sit here in my Sin Cara mask typing this, I will have to respectfully think that they are assholes.

75 out of 100.

Sin Cara Over Negro Cara Following A Sunset Flip.

Segment 5 – Hey, Did You See That Episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Where Carlton Meets CM Punk?

Cewsh: Well thanks for the movie magic of David Otunga, an argyle sweater and a story revolving around the former trying to start a wrestlers union you can!

David Otunga: “…and then she said, Yale? More like out on bail! AHAHAHAHA.”
CM Punk: “Do you still work for me or what? Because if you do, you’re fired.”

Segment 6 – WWE Tag Team Championships – Air Boom (Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne) © vs. La Familia (Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger w/ Vickie Guerrero)

Cewsh: As I may have mentioned once or twice, I will care about what Kofi Kingston does when WWE does, so let’s just ignore that he’s here.

The deal here has much more to do with the teaming of Ziggler and Swagger than it does with their opponents, and much is made of the fact that they work together rather seamlessly here on Vickie’s behalf. However, being heely heels, they both try to grab the spotlight for themselves and Ziggler especially tries to show up his partner to get all the glory and credit for himself. Unfortunately, as such things happen, Swagger gets caught when going for a Super Powerbomb off the top rope after Evan Bourne gives him the ol’ Rusty Frankensteiner off the top for the win as Ziggler looks on incredulously. After the match the short lived teams argues excessively as even Vickie can’t cheer them up and they roll off into the sunset, utterly without new gaudy beltbuckles.

As a match this was more than fine, though it didn’t have much substance going on between the two teams, mostly because Air Boom haven’t seen a microphone cumulatively since the Bush administration. Dolph Ziggler, though, continues to be a revelation, both as a character and as an in ring performer. I actually feel bad for Swagger, because he’s a man with plenty of potential himself, but when he’s around Ziggler he simply fades into the background like an unnecessary sidekick to the Dolph show. It sucks for him, but with so few people truly seeming capable of breaking out of the pack now that the previous crop of upper midcarders have been elevated, its refreshing to look at a guy in the midcard and be able to say, with complete certainty, that one down you will see a(nother) World title around his waist.

The sooner the better when it comes to perfection.

71 out of 100.

Air Boom Over La Familia Following A Frankensteiner.

Segment 7 – World Heavyweight Championship – Hell in a Cell – Mark Henry © vs. Randy Orton


Cewsh: As they make their way into the cell, all the talk from the announcers is of Mark Henry’s inexperience in these matches, and he certainly seems much more nervous than usual as he steps into the structure clutching the title belt to him. Orton approaches much more confidently, being 2-1 in these matches in the past, and knowing full well what he can do in there. This leads clearly to the start of the match as Orton takes control and bashes Henry into the cell, taking advantage of Henry’s unfamiliarity with where he is and what he’s supposed to be doing. Orton stays on him early, stomping away and generally trying to use his usual methodic, painful offense. But this isn’t a normal opponent he’s in the ring with, and from the moment Henry catches him and slams him twice into the cell and once HARD into the ring post, things start to go horribly, horribly awry for Randy.

Orton tries to recover his momentum multiple times, standing toe to toe with Henry and giving him all he has, but every single time Henry shuts him down in brutal fashion, growing more confident by the second. Too confident, perhaps, as Randy finally manages to make his comeback, beat up and pained though he may be. This dead crowd wakes right the fuck up as Orton starts to go mental, delivering dropkicks, his signature DDT and getting ready for that special RKO, the one he built this whole match around waiting for the opportunity for, the one he made clear was his first and only chance of defeating Mark Henry and recovering his lost championship. He wins up, going crazy, as everyone in the crowd holds their breath, sure that Mark Henry is done for, and once again Randy Orton has found the combination to gold around his waist. All through wrestling forums and across Twitter and Facebook all over the world, the expectation of 15 years and 2 weeks had gone up, describing Mark Henry’s wait for the title, and the length of his expected reign. His push had been nice and a bright spot, but now it was over as Orton leapt into the air for that perfect RKO as he had so many times before.

But Henry kicked out.

And now it all starts to sink in for Orton. Maybe this time is different. Maybe Night of Champions wasn’t a fluke. Maybe he really can’t beat Mark Henry.

All these thoughts seem to run through his head as he stares in disbelief at one of the very, very, very few men ever to kick out of his finisher. Then it comes to him. He has one more weapon, the only one greater he knows. The punt. He has to punt this big bastard before he gets a chance to recover. He has to put this man OUT in order to beat him. He sets up in the corner, charges forward with malice…and meets an enraged Mark Henry coming the other way. Henry uses Orton’s own momentum against him and drops him with a devastating World’s Strongest Slam. Three seconds later, Mark Henry raises the World title over his head over the crumpled body of one of the institutions of the WWE. Randy Orton has beaten everyone. John Cena, Triple H, the Undertaker. But he cannot beat Mark Henry.

Henry makes as if to leave, but thinks twice about it, grabbing a chair and sliding back into the ring. He puts Orton’s foot in the chair, mirroring the way he put out Kane and the Big Show and the Great Khali, preparing to put Orton on the shelf every bit as much if not more than Orton ever managed with his punt. At the last second, Orton manages to slide his leg out of the way and grabs the chair. He unloads on Henry with it, full of fury and chases him up the aisle way, wasting Henry over and over with the chair, until Henry cheap shots him and heads for the back, with things left far from finished between these two.

This match was really terrific. It dragged at points and didn’t hold together near as well as their unexpectedly sensational Night of Champions match, but the characters here are so strong and so interesting, and Henry is so dominant and unstoppable that its impossible to pull my eyes from anything these two do. If you had told me a year ago that Orton vs. Henry would be stealing shows all over the place I would have thought you were fucking with me. Jokes on me, as it turns out. Because this is, for my money, the best thing going in WWE.



80 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Mark Henry Over Randy Orton Following The World’s Strongest Slam.
Segment 8 – He’s Alberto Del Rio And He’s Going TZZZzzZzZzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz.


Cewsh: ZzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZDestinyZzZZZzZZZZzzzzzzZZzzzZzzz

Segment 9 – Cody Rhodes Wakes Me Up Before He Goes, Goes.

Cewsh: Cody Rhodes makes his out down to the ring for an unscheduled pow wow with the capacity audience. He says his usual spiel about how they’re ugly and should wear paper bags, before really getting down to business. He has one of his flunkies hand him a velvet bag, and what could possibly be inside?

Found At A Pawn Shop Near Warrior Warrior’s Trailer Park.

The old school Intercontinental Championship. That think couldn’t be more gorgeous if it were a picture of my face, and couldn’t be more classy if it were a cat in a top hat and monocle. Cody lists off some of the legends who have held the title over the years and says that he’ll be a much better champion than they ever were, and says that he’ll defend the title “feverishly”. Apparently that was today’s special word, because out pops John Laurenitus to tell him that Triple H has made a match. What match? Well…

Segment 10 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Cody Rhodes © vs. John Morrison


Cewsh: Oh snap, its Mr. Mystery Opponent himself, John Morrison!

Morrison gets on in there and goes after a still besuited Cody Rhodes, who jets outside the ring and decides to fasten himself to a ring post until he got counted out, making him look like the world’s least appealing stripper and that’s saying something.

“ARE YOU NOT AROUSED?!”

Unfortunately for him, a huge kick from Morrison drives him away, but Rhodes uses the mask to gain the advantage and then just straight up kicks Morrison’s ass for like 5 straight minutes. Morrison gets some offense in here and there until Rhodes Oklahoma Rolls up Morrison and thar she blows. The crowd didn’t care, Rhodes wasn’t fazed and Morrison didn’t win. Not much else to say.

Well I guess I could say “Kel loves orange soda” but I don’t see how that’s relevant.

70 out of 100.

Cody Rhodes Over John Morrison Following The Oklahoma Roll.


Segment 11 – John Lassienitus

Cewsh: Triple H is backstage on the phone ordering the food for the big pool party they’re having after the show (probably). Johnny Ace comes running into the room, all but foaming at the mouth to tell Triple H something real, real important.

“What Is It Boy? CM Punk Fell Down A Well? Because That Would Be Fantastic.”

Triple H takes a moment to scold John for making matches himself and crediting them to Triple H (referring, I assume, to the Rhodes/Morrison match) before letting the man continue. Laurenitus then blurts out that Miz and Truth are in the building attacking people and they run down the hall to find Air Boom sprawled out and destroyed and tons of security guards trying to haul Miz and Truth away. Triple H takes out his frustrations on Laurenitus and then curses and marches away, conceivably to Pedigree someone in accounting.

Segment 12 – WWE Divas Championship – Kelly Kelly © vs. Beth Phoenix

Cewsh: And now, let us enjoy another classy edition of “Haikus With Cewsh”.

Beth wins gold,
The match was rather good,
Shimmer is better



74 out of 100.

Beth Phoenix Over Kelly Kelly Following The Glam Slam.
 
Segment 13 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Hell in a Cell – John Cena © vs. CM Punk vs. Alberto Del Rio.


Cewsh: I think we’re all caught up on how this match came to be with no confusion right? No? Yeah that makes sense. Okay, here’s the deal. So CM Punk and John Cena had their whole to do earlier this summer. You may have heard of it, what with it being the first storyline in 10 years that even non wrestling fans were talking about. It culminated in a match at Summerslam to determine the Undisputed WWE champion. Punk won, but Del Rio cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase and won the title off of Punk. However, at Night of Champions, Cena won that shit right back, so now both Punk and Del Rio have reasonable claims to the title here at Hell in a Cell. Rather than choose one of the other, Triple H went ahead and chucked them both into the match, giving us our very first ever Triple Threat Hell in a Cell match. Simple right? It sure seems like it, especially since I left out all the intrigue about someone controlling the title from behind the scenes and the continuous involvement of Awesome Truth as they make their presence known even while fired, and then there’s the Kevin Nash situation and the Laurentius meddling and…

Whew. This is getting exhausting.

It the interest of making things less exhausting, let’s skip ahead a little ways into this match to where things get really significant. Let’s just hit the ol’ fast forward button here…and…STOP.


OOF.

Whoops, a little unfortunate for Mr. Punk there, and not what I was looking for. Let’s try again. Go…go…go…STOP.

OOF.

Hmm, well alright, let’s give it another spin, should be just about there…

OOF.

OH COME ON. We get it, CM Punk gets turned into Mashed Punktatoes in this match. But that’s not what i’m talking about. I mean the moment where this match turned from “interesting match with back story” into “transcendentally genius booking”. Ah, here we are.

Allow me to explain.

As John Cena locks in the STF on Alberto Del Rio after a long and grueling match, suddenly Ricardo decks the referee at the cell door and grabs the key. He runs in to attack Cena, but Cena easily disposes of him and walks him to the door where he gives him the Attitude Adjustment out the door to the ramp below. But while he was distracted Del Rio was sneaking up with a pipe and he nails Cena with it, and shoves Cena out of the cell, promptly locking it after him and throws the only key under the ring. It takes a moment for it to sink in what has just happened here, but once it does you can hear the crowd murmuring trying to figure out what is going to happen next. The champion has literally been locked out of the match for his title, effectively making it a one on one match between Del Rio and a badly roughed up CM Punk. Punk fights back with everything he has, putting up the fight of the century to keep Del Rio’s plan from succeeding as John Cena looks on, helpless and humiliated, utterly outsmarted by the Mexican aristocrat.

This Moment, Where It Dawns On Cena What Has Happened, Is As Good As Wrestling Gets.

Finally Del Rio grabs that pipe again and belts Punk with it. Punk fights back into the GTS, but before he can hit it, Del Rio gives him a pipe to the gut and then another shot to the eye for good measure. All the fight in him gone, Del Rio pins Punk finally to regain his lost title in one of the single most brilliant and well executed maneuvers in wrestling history.

After the match officially ends the cell begins to raise and immediately Cena is inside, raining down ten kinds of hell on the unsuspecting new champion. But before he can do more than brush him, two figures in jeans and black hoodies race in from the crowd and begin beating the ever loving fuck out of anything with a pulse with pipes of their own. Its none other than Awesome Truth. But before Triple H can run down to solve this with his fists the cell is mysteriously lowered back to the crowd keeping anyone else out. Now free to do whatever they want, Miz and Truth proceed to absolutely destroy everything side the place. The entire locker room comes down to try to find a way into the cell and its eerie watching dozens of men rattling the cage, trying to rip it open with their bare hands and Miz and Truth carefully and methodically dismantle the three biggest stars in the company one by one.

Finally someone comes running with bolt cutters, and before anything else can be done, Miz and Truth kneel down in the middle of the ring, amidst the incredible carnage they’ve created and put their hands behind their heads, having utterly proved their point.

They’re led out past the entire shaken locker room as an enraged Triple H comes flying out of nowhere in a fury, pounding them both into mush before the cops drag him off too. The show goes off the air as Miz and Truth are dragged backstage and Triple H is restrained as his lackeys try desperately to calm him down.

WOW.

I don’t know what I was expecting coming into this match. Actually, I take that back. I know exactly what I was expecting from this match. Decent match, Cena retains, onwards to the Rock. What I never could have expected was for Alberto Del Rio to dominate the match AND outsmart Cena utterly, and what I CERTAINLY couldn’t have expected was for Miz and Truth to bring about one of the most memorable show closing moments in WWE history. They looked so casually insane here, so pushed past any limits or negotiations, as they disassembled everything the WWE worked so hard to build and did it with such an air of complete calm that it made them look like serial killers. And all of this is on fucking top of what would have been a terrifically good match anyway. To say I’m impressed would be wrong. I am flat out blown away by what may have been the single best booked main event match of this, or any, decade. I don’t want to alarm you guys, but honestly if this has been the plan all along, these jokers at World Wrestling Entertainment might just have some kind of idea what they’re doing.

Astonishing.

88 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Alberto Del Rio Over Everyone Else Following The Laying of the Pipe.
——————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Well what can I say, kids? I liked this show. I liked it a lot. I liked it so much that if it were a puppy I would feed it bacon. Actual bacon. Off of my own plate.

Recently WWE have been doing this thing where they provide shows with almost no real weakpoints, that are consistently high quality all the way through and then culminate in a satisfying and well thought out main event between two character I’m interested in seeing wrestle. I think I may actually need them to knock it the fuck off actually, because at some point I have to review a TNA show, and the disparity is going to make my brain explode.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 77.28 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our review of the most flaming show of the year, WWE Hell in a Cell 2011. Next week we’re heading back to Japan for the 3rd of our 4 part Puro Panda Party as we go back in time to visit the wonderful world of Pro Wrestling NOAH, with NOAH Destiny 2005. Part fond remembrance of the great Mitsuharu Misawa, part card stacked to rafters with greatness and part commentary on how everything could have gone wrong for them so fast in the years afterwards, its going to be a show stuffed to the gills with awesomeness. So until then be sure to keep and reading and, as always, be good to one another.