WWE Summerslam 2011

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE SUMMERSLAM 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only review blog with more hoes than rakes, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we jump off the diving board and cannon ball our way into the biggest party of the summer with WWE Summerslam 2011. It’s the second (or third, depending on who you ask) biggest show of the year and they’ve done it up nice this year as we continue on down the road of the biggest storyline of the year, with When Cena Met Punk II. We’re walking into this show with two WWE champions and we’re walking out with just one, and the COO himself is going to have his hands all over it as the special guest referee. Does Triple H have less than honorable intentions (like always)? Will CM Punk complete his improbable ascension to the very top of the card? Will John Cena BRABADOO another BRABADOO? These are heavy questions, suitable for only the most experienced and prepared reviewers to handle. Which is why we went out and got the Turnip Queen herself and Ms. Cewsh’s sister to boot, Michelle. What are her qualifications for this all important role? Well she has never watched a complete wrestling match before ever in her entire life and she has only ever heard of John Cena and Rey Mysterio. We’ve all wondered what seeing these events through the eyes of someone completely free of any bias or foreknowledge would be like, and it may very well be more than you bargained for, sports fans. All name misspellings and misunderstandings have been left in to keep the experience as pure as possible.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Well this is awkward.

See, this is the place where I usually tell you how the opening video of the pay per view was. How it sold the show, how it got me excited for various matches and storylines, that sort of thing. But you see, while I would gladly repeat this tried and true method here, WWE forgot that we had a date and went to a concert with its friends instead. So instead of our regularly scheduled video, we instead get a guitarist dude with long hair who comes out and tries so hard to be Jimi Hendrix with the Star Spangled Banner for the next 5 minutes that its kind of depressing. He is apparently the guitar player for Tool, which, seemingly, is sadly fitting.

Also his pants were stupid.

This Is This Guy AT HIS BEST.

THEN we get ourselves the classic video package, detailing the convoluted road that has led us to our champion vs. champion match. It should pretty much stand to reason that I think this storyline is awesome because I am a functioning, reasoning human being and not a cold, unfeeling robot. But even for a storyline that is actively selling itself, WWE still does a strong job here, with the symbolism of dominos falling into place leading us inexorably to this point. A very classy touch, are the icing on the cake to get me amped up. Now just 2 and a half hours to wait…

GAH HURRY UP AND GET HERE YOU FUCKING THING


Segment 2 – The Glass Ceiling Wrecking Crew (The Miz, Alberto Del Rio and R-Truth) vs. The Unpushables (Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston and John Morrison).

Cewsh: Despite my wildly clever nicknames up there, you may be shocked to learn that the good guys triumph in this one, with Rey Mysterio pinning R-Truth after an entertaining, if forgettable opening match. The interesting thing here, though, has everything to do with the heels and nothing at all to do with the faces. Alberto Del Rio is flirting with the main event slot that has stood ready for him since the day he first drove onto a WWE stage, Miz and R-Truth are using their relative depushings to form a storyline of their own, as they slowly agree to team up against the conspiracy they both believe is holding them down. Really interesting stories going on for all three of them, as they continue to expand on their complex and nuanced characters. Meanwhile Kofi Kingston is still Jamaican, John Morrison is still the Doctor of Parkournomics and Rey Mysterio has just had his third utterly anticlimactic title reign, each seemingly shorter than the last.

WWE may have set out to put on a simple opening match for a big show by putting their biggest unused stars in it, but they couldn’t have better illustrated their own troubles with booking babyfaces if they had used a giant neon sign.

On the plus side, though, at least all of these guys are fun to watch. At least there’s that.

67 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh’s Sister’s Notes:

– I don’t know what’s going on, or who any of these people are…and why do more people keep coming out?

– Are people ever going to stop coming out? And all of these people look like complete douches.

– Six people now out. OH hey, the only person I recognize at all! Yaaay. Ray Mysterio. Six people seems to be the max. And now everyone is just staring at each other and shouting things. Probably bad things. I doubt any of them are shouting confessions of undying love across the ring. Though that could be funny…

– I’m not sure that guy’s foot is even making contact with that guy…

– I feel like I kinda want to like Morrison, since he’s the only attractive person in the ring right now, and that is important to a young lady watching half naked men throwing each other around (Mysterio doesn’t count, since he has a mask on) but he’s getting his ass kicked so hard that I’m really almost ashamed to admit that.

– Soooo much showboating by Koby Kingston. We’re back to everyone looking like douches again.

– Oh yeah, he just got kicked in the face.

– I’m not sure who Ray Mysterio is fighting, but it seems his primary defense is break dancing.

– And it failed.

– Aaaand now it’s a free for all. But Ray Mysterio won, and I’m okay with that, cuz I like him. He’s short and he jumps around like a monkey and is very entertaining to watch.

Team Mysterio Over Team R-Truth Following A Top Rope Splash From Mysterio To R-Truth.

Segment 3 – CM Punk Is The Greatest Person To Ever Exist Including The Guy Who Invented Tacos.

Cewsh: And good god do I love tacos.

MCS: ….Why is there an old timey Italian mafia guy talking to CM Punk? I’m getting the feeling Punk is supposed to be a bad guy. It’s kinda a subtle vibe, but I may be picking it up. Just maybe.

Cewsh: CM Punk is backstage and runs into the ever grumpy John Laurenitus. Johnny Ace demands an apology for Punk kicking him in the back of the head on Raw (a moment I’ll hold in my heart and treasure for all eternity). Punk proceeds to give him the single least sincere apology in the history of spoken language, complete with a big cheesy grin, causing a disgruntled Johnny to stalk off muttering to himself. Punk laughs to himself for a minute before turning right into a waiting Stephanie McMahon. Oddly, she claims to only be here to wish Punk luck, to which Punk seems reasonably dubious, and wants to shake Punk’s hand to show there are no hard feelings. Punk refuses saying “I would, but I know where that hand’s been” as the crowd yells “OOOOOOOOOH” more than the entire combined cast of Yo Momma.

“Is That Lotion, Or Did Your Hand Just Come From A ‘Staff Meeting’?

At this point CM Punk has me so squarely in his pocket that he gives me a high five whenever he reaches for his keys. This improbable main event run for him is like a weird dream come true. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up to find that Jack Swagger is the champion and Punk follows him around with a parasol singing his theme song. Please stay asleep, please stay asleep, please stay asleep…


Segment 4 – Sheamus vs. Mark Henry.

Cewsh: At some point in the past few months, someone looked over at Mark Henry eating a footlong meatball sub at catering, noticed that he happened to be a fucking enormous and intimidating looking guy, and suddenly thought “Hey wait a second, why aren’t we using him on our shows again?” I imagine it happened that way because all of a sudden Mark Henry transformed from a happy go lucky babyface who was utterly worthless into a fucking monster who is absolutely laying waste to everything in his path. Big Show, Kane and Kozlov have been beaten so thoroughly by the man that they’ll be out for months (and in Kozlov’s case, never) and the fans have started to respond, booing him out of the universe every time he shows up. Enter Sheamus, the newly turned brawler from Ireland, and you have yourself a slobberknocker that people really seem interested in. Who’d have thought?

The match starts off about how you’d expect. Sheamus and Mark Henry beat on each other for awhile before Henry takes over and just starts laying waste to Sheamus over and over. Sheamus keeps firing back up and the fans get behind him hugely, but Henry shuts him down again and again, making sure the man is in as much pain as possible every second of every minute to make him pay for defying the Great Henry. Finally, after Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick that send Henry flying out of the ring, Henry scoops Sheamus up for his insolence, runs him into the steel ringpost and then flings him through the guardrail so hard that Sheamus goes right through and lands on the concrete outside as the fans in the front row (plants) lose their fucking minds. Sheamus tries to beat the count back into the ring, but can’t, and Henry continues on his destructive path.

This match was slow at parts, which is fair since these guys aren’t exactly crusierweights, but it was very, very effective at its dual pursuits of putting Henry over as a killer and getting the fans behind Sheamus, and that’s all this match was really for. From here I imagine Henry will move on to go after Orton, and Sheamus will find some heel to battle and everything will be hunky dory as Smackdown slowly, but surely, replenishes their barren main event scene one step at a time. Count me in.

72 out of 100.

MCSN:

– And now we have (uh?) Mark Henry (?) versus a little Irish guy who looks about half Henry’s size. I’m thinking this might be a little one sided. (Sheamus the Celtic Warrior?) Henry just swatted Sheamus in the face like a knat…

– (insert a conversation about wrestling “tweeners” and how that term makes them sound like 13 year old girls, while not really watching what’s going on.)

– “It’s like a seal! A big ass harbor seal jumping on someone.” I feel bad for Sheamus. His head was in a very unfortunate place. And now Henry is giving him the bear hug from hell. And Sheamus’ greatest offensive maneuver was a barrel roll out of the way as Henry jumped off the ropes in his general direction.

– Does anyone have a red curtain we can wave in front of Henry? Toro, toro.

– Henry just slammed Sheamus’s back into a bar and threw him into the audience barricade. So, uh, how much does the show pay you if they break your back? Sheamus tried to crawl back to the ring, but couldn’t make it. Sheamus lost, and I feel kinda bad cuz I was pulling for him in an underdog sorta way.

Mark Henry Over Sheamus Following A Countout.

Segment 5 – Christian Puts On His Robe And Wizard Hat.

Cewsh: Christian is backstage with Josh Matthews and he wants to talk about Randy Orton while grinning off camera to a disconcerting degree. He compares them each to movies, comparing himself to Harry Potter (prompting MCS to unleash to epic “So he’s putting on his robe and wizard hat?” line).

The Greatest Photoshop Work We Have Ever Done.

He compares Orton to Cowboys and Aliens. Because he’s a flop, you see. Except in Christian world someone who makes more money is the flop. Because Christian world is WHY ARE YOU GRINNING OFF CAMERA SO MUCH YOU CREEPY LITTLE BASTARD?!

MCS: Can we skip the trash talking and get back to guys getting thrown around some more? I’d
like that a lot. K thx bai.

Segment 6 – The Most Expensive Piss Break Of The Year.

MCS: And now there is a guy in a sparkly graduation gown singing. I’m a little disturbed. Did someone change the channel and I didn’t notice? I’m gonna go play some WoW, call me when the wrestling comes back.

Cewsh: Preceded and followed by commercials (not for WWE things, just actual commercials), is the much awaited and ballyhooed musical performance of Ceelo Green. Now I know that “WWE fan” and “fan of contemporary R&B” are not really two genres of people that have a ton of crossover, but even so most people should know this individual from Gnarls Barkley and the official summer song of a few years ago “Crazy” and the official summer song of this year “Forget You”. The man is well known and people like his music. So naturally a WWE audience comprised of many young people should be excited to see a mini concert with the man right?

Yeah, no.

For at least the 100,000,000th time in wrestling history, a wrestling promoter stumbles across this idea, gives it a try, and it results in an unbelievable amount of miserable failure. The crowd, which is here to see people harm each other, is absolutely fucking silent for the entire musical performance, with maybe one person in 20 making any movement whatsoever except to the concession stand. Despite this, Ceelo continually attempts to engage them, and get them to sing his songs back to them, which they of course don’t because THIS IS NOT A CEELO GREEN CONCERT. Then the Divas wander out in the tightest red dresses physically possible and prance about behind Ceelo like music video girls in a manner suggesting that someone instructed them to be cheerful and happy and attracted to Ceelo. After two songs they pack it in and go to the back to no fanfare whatsoever.

Shown: Two Former Divas Champions.

Is it any wonder why no musical artist ever seems to do this more than once? How would it feels to travel around the country playing to packed arenas who love you, and then come here only to play to a crowd less interested in you than the midget with the t shirt cannon? Its got to be embarrassing for them, embarrassing for the Divas, and it well and truly should be embarrassing for whoever’s idea it was since this same thing JUST HAPPENED to Kid Rock awhile ago.

Stop trying this, WWE. Pretty please. It just makes me depressed.


Segment 7 – WWE Divas Championship – Kelly Kelly © vs. Beth Phoenix.

MCS: Divas…This isn’t quite what I meant when I asked for more wresting…

(Cewsh Note: I am now starting to heavily suspect that my Sister-In-Law is Rajah forum denizen Hero! in disguise.)

Cewsh: Recently a newly revitalized Beth Phoenix has joined forces with Natalya in a new heely endeavor entitled the Divas of Doom, bent entirely on getting rid of the pretty girls with no wrestling ability in WWE, focusing primarily on Kelly Kelly and Eve. They’ve taunted Kelly, and provoked her, and regard her as no threat whatsoever, assuming that this victory is in the bag and that they’ll begin a new era of Divas wrestling without Barbie (literally and figuratively). Kelly is out to prove she’s more than just that 18 year old who had trouble taking her bra off 5 years ago and wants to show that she’s come too far to let herself be called useless. CLASH.

Now this match is an easy one to categorize, and it’s the same sort of one they appeared to be building towards when Kharma first debuted. Monster heel against plucky babyface. It doesn’t work QUITE so well with Beth since, well, she’s an attractive blond woman with huge fake breasts too, but hey, the archetype stays the same. Beth starts off the match throwing Kelly around, utterly in control and toying with Kelly, expecting an easy win whenever she wants it. Kelly keeps firing back, though, putting Beth on her heels, wiping the smile right off her face and making her look shocked to be encountering this kind of resistance from a woman she’s dismissed as little more than a pretty face. Kelly throws everything she can at Beth, but seems unable to do much more than make Beth mad, as Phoenix takes back control again and again as she gets madder and madder before finally going for the Glam Slam to put her annoyingly persistent opponent down once and for all. Kelly shocks her by ducking under for a Victory Roll, though, and before Beth can register the change the ref counts 1…2…3 and Kelly slides out, grabs her title and holds it up, having proven that, pretty face or not, she’s more to be reckoned with than Phoenix ever expected.

I really enjoyed this match, and as well I should, as this is one of my favorite kinds of matches. Beth played the monster heel who underestimates her opponent to her demise terrifically and Kelly is spot on as a plucky face with something to prove. Kelly’s selling, especially, was fucking spot on throughout, to a degree rarely seen much of anywhere anymore. As a result, this is probably the best Divas match of the year and with only more of these kinds of matches to come I’m warming significantly to Kelly Kelly as the Divas champion. Anyone who wants to remain stuck in 2006 can feel free to, but for my money Kelly is the first Divas champion we’ve had in years and years who the fans cheer for, who delivers consistent performances, and on whose shoulders decent storylines can actually be built. Barbie is here to stay, but she’s got a few tricks up her sleeve. I can live with that.

However Eve Remains Without Any Credibility At All.


78 out of 100.

Kelly Kelly Over Beth Phoenix Following A Victory Roll.

Segment 8 – Meanwhile, In Backstage Land…

Cewsh: John Cena apparently just had sex with Stephanie McMahon. There are probably other ways to interpret her leaving his dressing room with shifty eyes, but none of them sound as much like bad fan fiction, so let’s go with that.


Segment 9 – The Continuing Saga of Undersized James.

Cewsh: R-Truth is backstage looking perplexed as he tries to puzzle out the conspiracy that has plagued him for months and what he has to do to break through the glass ceiling. For some reason Jimmy Hart shows up and tells him that what he needs is a manager, namely Jimmy Hart. R-Truth seems really excited before saying “I like that a little, Jimmy”. Once he hears what he said though it makes him immediately paranoid that Jimmy Hart is, in fact, the Little Jimmy that has been torturing him all this time (which would be an amazing twist).

He’s Little. He’s Jimmy. Makes Sense To Me.

Jimmy Hart pleads his innocence, but R-Truth runs him off anyone, because when you’re at war you can no longer trust people who vaguely resemble imaginary people you made up. NO QUARTER NO SURRENDER. R-Truth then yells at Ron Artest and his daughter who have apparently just been hanging out on WWE production equipment backstage 5 feet away this entire time. Artest, who has legally changed his name to Meta World Peace and once charged into the stands to assault a fan at a basketball game he was playing in, looks at R-Truth likes he’s crazy. That’s pretty damning evidence right there.

“That Man Is Crazy, Dr. Raptorclaws.”

I adore Jimmy Hart even if its sad that his whole Wrestlicious thing didn’t work out. If nothing else I’ll always love the man for composing this incredible ballad.

 Segment 10 – Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett.

Cewsh: This feud began as all the best things in life are known to do, haphazardly and via the internet. Wade Barrett started calling Bryan out on being such a dork and being undeserving of the Money in the Bank briefcase and, oddly enough, Bryan took exception to this and now they’re going to have a wrestling match, because that’s what wrestlers do. If they were professional chainsaw jugglers, this might be significantly more interesting, but the likelihood of accidental decockitation is much lower here, so let’s all appreciate that for a moment.

Really this match was just an excuse to give two exciting talents the chance to have a long, quality match on PPV, and these two took full advantage of the opportunity. Bryan was, of course, the usual Bryan, all full of fire and technically perfect, whereas Barrett got a rare chance here to flesh out exactly who he is as a character inside the ring. Despite being on the main roster for about a year and a half now, the man has been given very limited time to do anything of the sort, so it’s a pleasure to see him try out new moves, establish himself as a powerhouse brawler, and to shove Bryan around like the big man he is. They work stiff and throw some absolute bombs at each other, and before long the crowd it wrapped up in a match between two guys with less direction than a broken GPS. It just goes to show the value a straight wrestling match given decent time can do to help a character as this match helps both men involved simply by existing.

It isn’t going to be the best match of the night, and it isn’t going to be the worst. But there sure as hell is no reason not to watch these guys go at it with their push on the line. Good times are had by all.

 
80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MCS: As we once again get to the real wrestling, I realize that I have absolutely no idea whyall these men seem to hate each other. It also occurs to me that all of their moves lookvery similar with different names. That may just be my untrained eye watching but oh well.

We now have some British guy (who looks like a douche) against some blond guy (who also looks like a douche) I’m sensing a theme here. Apparently blonde douche is a submissionspecialist (I have been informed the British is Wade Barret and the blonde is Daniel Bryan)which I approve of, cuz it’s kinda cool to see the more subtle stuff instead of flat out beating people. Course Bryan twisting Barrets knees around and then jumping on them seemed to hurt.

I’m wondering when we’re going to get to the big match. …What was the big match again? We’re getting closer, I think. There’s a title match going on. (I think. And I got confirmation from Cewsh.) Randy Orton against Christian (no last name, apparently.) Christian is apparently bat-shit crazy. Wheeee!

Wade Barrett Over Daniel Bryan Following Wasteland.

Segment 11 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – No Holds Barred Match – Christian © vs. Randy Orton.

Cewsh: Ah, so here we are at last, after months and months, the end of the road for Randy Orton and Christian. Throughout this feud, Christian has morphed from a happy go lucky babyface to a bitter, jealous and whiny heel in his obsession with gaining the World Heavyweight Championship. Randy Orton has gone from cool, confidant champion, to raging, maddened contender. And the matches have gone from well orchestrated, technical marvels to repetitive overbooked messes. So now here we are at the end, where one of these men will finally prove themselves to be better than the other once and for all, and we’ll find out exactly what a Christian vs. Randy Orton match is capable of.

But before we can get things started, Christian has a special guest for us, to tell everyone how awesome he is, his best buddy Edge.

We Miss You, You Lovable Bastard.

Edge, who comes out to what is probably by far the biggest pop of the night, rolls up into the ring, and instead of glad handing Christian like he expects, Edge instead rips into him, not only for being a whiny crybaby, but for making being an opportunist seem so…boring next to Edge. Edge openly dresses him down with disgust as Christian looks on in shocked amazement, until Edge ends with the line “Christian, you’re my best friend in the whole world. I just never thought my best friend would turn out to be such a little bitch.” and walks off.

PWNED.

Taking full advantage of Christian being thrown off his game, Dr. McOrton makes his way to the ring and we get started. Right from the get go, Orton is out for blood, harrying Christian all over place as Christian tries to recover his aplomb and fight back to no avail. Christian dicks his way back into the match, and then men proceed to start coming up with all sorts of inventive ways to harm one another, more than a few of which eliciting an honest “OH FUCK” from me. The go to town with everything but the kitchen sink (since I think Perry Saturn kept that when he left) and they build the drama of the match higher and higher as the crowd begins to hang on their every nearfall and every counter. With the drama building, Christian begins trying more and more crazy ideas to keep Orton down, but no matter what he hits Orton with, its not enough. HE’S not enough. Letting his temper get the best of him Christian earns himself a one way trip through a table and then Orton really gets cooking. After beating Christian with everything from trash cans to the steel steps, he goes to hit thee death blow, with an RKO on the steel steps, a fitting end to a feud.

“He’s Right Behind Me, Isn’t He?”

But Christian cheap shots him out of nowhere and goes for his flipping roll up out of the corner. The last mistake he’ll make as champion. Perfectly recalling the ending of the first match, and the near ending of the second, Orton catches Christian soaring blindly through the air, and drives him down with an RKO onto the steel steps.

BANG. Novus rex coronatur.

This was everything I had criticized their earlier matches for not being. It was heated, it was emotional, they built and built the drama until the fans couldn’t take anymore instead of just having a technical contest regardless of how they reacted, and more than anything it had a clear and definitive end that was both meaningful and final. When I heard these two would be wrestling, this was the match that I longed to see them have. Two great wrestlers, showing exactly why they deserve that title. Its the way a title match ought to be.

 
91 out 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MCS: Oh yay, it’s no holds barred match. Which, as I have been told, means it’s okay to kick someone in the nuts! (Cewsh and I had a long conversation about not being able to kick people in the nuts.)

And now we have a pre-match pep talk… Sorta. There’s a lot of fighting out in the audience.Christian’s really not lasting very long against Orton. I think Orton just got stuck in theropes. Why is Cristian writhing around under the ring? Oh…Why is there a Kendo stick under the ring? Orton is getting his ass handed to him now. Someone should tell Randy Ortonthat when you kick someone with both feet, you’re not supposed to land on your head. As much as I’m enjoying watching Randy Orton (and he’s a very good looking man) I really wish this was over, because Christian is very clearly over matched and just needs to lie the fuck down.

And now the announcer very suggestively stated “Here comes the tables” I am disturbed again.Orton is very carefully positioning that table, and then got kicked in the nuts. I am vilified!!

As a female, I must admit. I ❤ nutshots. I take a horribly vindictive, witchy glee at seeing them.

Orton really needs to stop hurting himself while hitting Christian. Orton is apparently a viper/tiger/kangaroo, cuz he stalks and he jumps really fucking high. If he spent half as much time fighting as he does stalking toward Christian, he might have won already. Christian slams Orton against the stairs that Orton was prepping (very artistically) to slam Christian into. I’m quickly losing all respect for Orton, no matter how pretty he is. But they are somehow both still going.

Apparently, Christian is too dumb to have noticed that spitting on Orton is a bad idea. Such stupidity deserves to lose. Orton is just piling as much junk as he can into the ring from underneath. I see two trash cans, some kendo sticks and a set of stairs. And a table. I must note, that Orton is now bleeding from no less than three places. Hard ways, too. I think Orton just won by flopping on top of Christian after slamming his own head into the stairs. I’m glad he won, but that was sort a a weird way to do it.

My favorite moment of the match is when Christian and Orton, both holding their heads from their own blows and stumbling, stagger backwards into each other, and then spin around, surprised, as though they never would have expected to see each other in the center of a wrestling ring.

Randy Orton Over Christian Following An RKO.

Segment 12 – Foreshadowing?

Cewsh: We get a quick look backstage of Triple H and Stephanie as Triple H heads out to the ring to referee the main event. As Triple H leaves, Stephanie has a distinctly worried and distraught look on her face. I wonder if she’s planning something…


Segment 13 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – John Cena (c) vs. CM Punk (c) w/ Special Referee Triple H.

Cewsh: Awwww yeah.

Okay, for those of you who spent the past month or two trying to climb Mt. Killimanjaro and missed out on current events, let’s summarize. CM Punk decided he had had enough of WWE’s bullshit and would quit, and planned to take the title with him. Cena talked Vince McMahon into letting the match happen with the stipulation that if Cena lost, he’d be fired. Punk won and took the belt and fucked off with it. As a result of this the WWE Board of Directors removed Vince from power and replaced him with Triple H who promptly resigned Punk to put all of this ugliness behind him. Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio won a tournament to crown a new WWE champion and John Cena promptly beat him for it. So now with Cena and Punk both as champions, and the situation disintegrating by the second, Triple H stepped in to be the impartial ref and make sure things happened fairly. Punk doesn’t trust Triple H and neither does Cena. Anything can happen and nobody knows.

Now going into this, it is important for you to understand what this match is and what it isn’t. What it isn’t is a repeat of their match from Money in the Bank. That was one of the most special and unique matches in our generation of wrestling and it wont be repeated here or anywhere else. What this match IS, is a display of exactly what it means for two wrestlers to have chemistry together. It isn’t just about flowly quickly between moves. It isn’t just about their ability to have great matches. For those special pairs that have the kind of in and out of ring chemistry that defines their generation (Hogan/Warrior, Rock/Austin, Flair/Rhodes, Misawa/Kawada) there is an almost palpable electricity in the air between them whenever they share a room. Whatever else is going on, whenever they’re in the same place, your eyes go directly to them. I had always thought that Edge and Cena had the closest thing to that that we were likely to get in this generation of wrestling, but I was wrong. Punk and Cena have that chemistry, and this match is basically the story of it.

As the two men clash, and the fans go nuts, and the moves go down, the atmosphere of the big fight never leaves these two. That they show grudging respect for each other, and that John Cena displays clearly in this match that after all the other people he’s defeated easily he just doesn’t understand how to beat CM Punk is the single most interesting story development that WWE has offered up in who knows how long, subtle though it be.

There Has Never Been Anyone Who Truly Made Cena Doubt Himself. Until Punk.

They go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, with Triple H living up to his role and calling it right down the middle, until the ending, where CM Punk nails ANOTHER Go 2 Sleep on Cena, covers him and gets the 1…2…3. We have our undisputed WWE champion, the king of all things and he is CM Punk. Everything was great and everyone is happy, right?

Not so fast.

See, first of all John Cena’s foot was on the rope. His foot was all over the rope. If John Cena’s foot were considered a coworker of the rope, it’d be fired for sexual harassment.

Rope: “Call Me.”

Its so obvious, in fact, that it immediately calls to mind the question of whether or not Triple H intentionally didn’t see it. But why would Triple H do that? Why would he want CM Punk to be the champion? What possible plan could he hav…

What The Fuuuuuuck?!

And then Big Sexy Kevin Nash comes out of nowhere and Jacknife Powerbomb’s Punk right out of his shoes, while Triple H looks on in utter shock.

“What The Fuuuuuuck?!”

Then Alberto Del Rio takes this chance to run down, cash in and become your new WWE Heavyweight Champion, completely out of nowhere.

So to recap, the face of the company loses due to flukey means that makes him look cheated rather than lesser, and then the boss’ best friend shows up and wastes the thorn in Triple H’s side, and then the guy the company has heralded as the next big thing snatches the title out of the hands of the Punk.

Destiny.

Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d suggest there there’s something afoot here. But what? And by whom? Hmmmmmm…

As far as the match itself goes, it was terrific. These guys could wrestle for hours at this point and I would only ask for more. It’ll ultimately be forgotten in the wake of the storyline that followed, but that doesn’t take away from it. This was the good kind of overbooking. The kind that draws you into the storyline further and makes you desperate to see what happens next. When people reminisce about the Attitude Era, these are the sorts of storyline that they’re really longing for. Because now you just have to see more. I know I do.


88 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MCS: Oh look, the main event. CM Punk. Yeah, you can’t fake that kinda doucheiness. I really want to throw my vote in with the guy with tattoos and stuff, but he just seems like the epitome of ass, soooo… we’ll see. He looks fucking nuts. Now John Cena is coming out. He has a neck like a tree trunk, and that is really the only thing I’ve noticed about him yet. I can’t
look away from it.

So, the announcer just announced them both, and I have to wonder. Do announcers go to school to learn how to make those weird voices? Or is it on the job training? Maybe a day camp?

I wish Cena would pull up his shorts. You can have undies, or shorts, but you cannot have both. I think Punk’s opening move was to mess up Cena’s hair. Not that he has much hair to mess up.

They trade blows pretty evenly for a while. I dunno what really happened, but Punk pinned Cena, but Cena had his leg on the ropes (?) so everyone was freaking out about it. As Cena walked away with wounded pride, someone (apparently Kevin Nash, a friend of Triple H’s??) showed up out of fucking no where and just took Punk out. Nash went away, and Punk just sorta layed there limply and then someone (dunno his name) who won a “title match anytime, anywhere” get-out-of-jail-card-esque deal showed up and pinned Punk. So now some completely random-ass guy is the new champion. And all I can do is stare and ask “What the fuck just happened?”

CM Punk Over John Cena Following The Go 2 Sleep. Alberto Del Rio Over CM Punk Following The Shining Wizard.
——————————————–

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: This was a great show.

It wasn’t great in the same way that Money in the Bank of Destination X were great shows. Those shows were great by being consistently terrific from start to finish with special moments. This show was great because it nailed the kind of spectacle and big event feel they’ve been trying to assign to Summerslam for years with no real success. Here the two main events absolutely delivered in spades, and the undercard was full of entertaining stuff to keep you chugging along towards the matches you came to see. The similarities between this show and the best show WCW put together during the Attitude Era are somewhat uncanny, I think. And seeing as that shit was so good it lit the industry on fire, I think we can all agree that that is A-OK.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 79.33 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh’s Sister’s Massively Concise Summary:

MCS: I think this is a good summary to this show: “What the fuck just happened?”

Ms. Cewsh’s Sister’s Final Score: 3 and 1/2 Turnips Out Of 5.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed reading a bout a PPV that happened 3 weeks ago, bearing in mind all that has happened ever since. After this we plunge onwards into Puro Party Month with NJPW Dominion 2011, DDT’s Peter Pan 2011 and the All Together tribute charity show which will come all the way at the end. And who knows, sometime in there some Jugagglos might just show up to spoil the party. But until then, and as always, keep reading and be good to one another.

3 thoughts on “WWE Summerslam 2011

  1. Cewsh says:

    Appreciated, guys.

    MCS may very well be back for future installments. Summerslam was her first ever show, but she seems to have caught the wrestling bug in a big way from it.

    Like

  2. ESFjellin says:

    good review. mcs should become a permanent fixture for reviews!

    Like

  3. flameheadrvd says:

    it was a good one….. nash cant act for shit tho lol

    Like

Leave Your Message At The Beep

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: