Monthly Archives: September 2011

WWE Night Of Champions 2011

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Night of Champions 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to the only review blog that is the dream of a dead civilization’s dream about the original dream’s evil monster dad (Tidus had a rough life, man), Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat tonight, as WWE has gone all Goldfinger on us with WWE Night of Champions 2011! Every title in the company is on the line in one way or another, and there are actually feuds revolving around every single one for the first time in recorded history. Will Mark Henry achieve what has eluded him for longer than many of WWE’s fans have been alive? Will John Cena cut short the destiny of Alberto Del Rio? And perhaps most importantly in our main event, what will happen when Triple H puts his position as COO of WWE on the line to face CM Punk? If you can’t smell some shenanigans happening there then you probably think that macaroni and cheese smells like purple, but the question is WHAT shenanigans, and from whom? As always, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: There are times when WWE displays that they really understand the potential of these 3 minute snippets at the beginning of their PPVs and there are times when it seems like they told a high school video production class to knock something together by lunch vaguely including the wrestlers on the show. But it always seems like as the shows become more interesting, the video production team responds in kind to help the show in their very unique way, and that’s what happens here. The first half of this video focuses solely on the two matches that need the most help coming into this show, the World Heavyweight and WWE Heavyweight title matches. They briefly show that Cena is mad at Del Rio and then get right into the meat of the Mark Henry/Randy Orton feud, which naturally serves the purpose of making it look so much more high profile than being the Smackdown title match would suggest. If I were a fan watching a PPV for the first time, I would think that Mark Henry were an unstoppable killing machine after watching this.

And that, boys and girls, is the point.

They also feature the Punk/Triple H match a bit, because it was the real draw here and they’ve got a packed house waiting to see it.

Including…Wait, Is That Curry Man? What The Fuck?

They don’t get into the intrigue around it much just yet, but there’ll be pleeeeenty of time for that I’m sure…

Segment 2 – WWE World Tag Team Championships – Air Boom (Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston) © vs. The Awesome Truth (The Miz and R-Truth).

Cewsh: This is a Kofi Kingston match. I’m not made of stone here, guys, sometimes I’m absolutely entitled to not review matches featuring people that level of dull.

But in the interest of keeping you up to speed, let’s fast forward to the controversial part of the match. As Miz and Truth work over Kingston, keeping him from getting a tag in to Bourne, Bourne suddenly leaps up the the top rope, slaps his hands together and then jumps into the match. The ref, who had his back turned, assumed a tag was made and let Bourne in the match. Ordinarily this is heel tag work 101, but when its turned against them, Miz and Truth are immediately hostile towards the ref. Undaunted, though, Miz continues kicking their asses, until complaints from R-Trtuh draw the attention of the ref, who yells at Truth for a solid minute, during which, of course, Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale and has Evan Bourne pinned. When the ref comes back to the match at hand, Bourne kicks out at one and now the Miz is fuming so hard that smoke is coming out of his ears. He shoves the ref on his ass, getting them disqualified before a reasonable R-Truth tells him to relax and be cool.

Rough Day At The Office?

Just as I begin to wonder exactly when R-Truth became reasonable and cool headed, the T man proceeds to help the ref up only to then immediately slap the ever loving special sauce out of him. Miz and Truth then loudly assert that they will no longer be victims of the conspiracy and will put a stop to it.

As a match, this was matchy with a side of moves. It was a nice formula tag match between two teams of relative overness. As a storyline, though, this really goes miles to propel Awesome Truth’s conspiracy storyline. It’s one thing to shout about how you’re being held down. It’s another to have a string of things happen so thoroughly coincidental that you wonder if they might not be right. With this, things take a big step from “Giving Miz and Truth something to do” to “Giving Miz and Truth a ticket back to the main event”. It’ll just take one more big push in the right direction…

68 out of 100.

Air Boom Over Awesome Truth Following Sheananigans.

Segment 3 – “And Now Down The Runway Come Miz And R-Truth, Modeling The Latest In Crazy People Expressions…”
How Is It Possible That Every Single Time I Pause On These Two They Look This Ridiculous?

Cewsh: Miz and R-Truth are backstage ranting and raving when Matt Striker asks them if they realize that they may be fined or suspended for what they did to the referee. R-Truth points that those rules don’t apply to this situation, because rather than an official, they man they assaulted was, in fact, one of Triple H’s wacky conspirators. Quid pro quo. When Striker asks what they’ll do when Triple H disagrees, Miz suggests that just maybe it’s a moot point since Triple H won’t be COO anymore by the end of the night.

Almost as if he were sure about that…

Segment 4 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Cody Rhodes © vs. Ted Dibiase.

Cewsh: Oh Teddy. What happened to you?

There was a time, not so long ago now, when many people viewed Ted Dibiase as one of the most can’t miss prospects in wrestling history. The son of the Million Dollar Man, the star of a whole stable full of wrestling brothers, trained by Harley Race with extensive experience in Japan, and with a look that makes promoters froth at the mouth, the man had everything you could possibly want. For a shining period in Legacy with Cody Rhodes, especially while feuding with DX, he even looked just on the cusp of fulfilling that potential. So how to explain his stature now as a Superstars mainstay and flunky to the man he was supposed to overshadow? Hard to say really, or rather, hard to narrow it down to just one reason. But here, with Cody, he seems to have been given a last chance of sorts to revitalize his career, this time as a vengeful babyface. If he can get the crowd behind him then maybe, just maybe, he can recapture some of that lost glory and potential. If he can come through and steal the show then maybe he can earn some respect and credibility back. Hell, if he could just be interesting at some point here, then maybe he can use that spark to do SOMETHING.

Unfortunately, this match is dead in the water. The fans don’t care, the match is nothing special, and Ted, for all that I wish it weren’t true, is just not interesting at any point. Cody tries his best to rile the crowd, and they give Ted all the hope spots in the world, but the crowd never goes for it one single time. macavityIt’s like a movie crowd after Mufasa dies in there, and that’s as well as career suicide for Ted. He seems to know it too, as he does dropkicks, spinebusters, lariats and even KENTA’s running knee kick trying to get a reaction. He doesn’t get it.

Maybe he should have tried tap dancing?

We wish you well in your future endeavors, Teddy.

We Also Hope That None Of Them Involve You Acting Again.

62 out of 100.

Cody Rhodes Over Ted Dibiase Following The Crossrhodes.
Segment 5 – Rey Mysterio Wants You To Get Beaten Up At School.

Cewsh: I’m pretty sure that’s how people would react were you to invite them to your super secret backyard laser tag party in the middle of the afternoon. Shit Rey, get a big room, fill that fucker with a blacklight and some obstacles. Have you ever even PLAYED laser tag? And I mean, look at these guys he got to play with him.

Cream Of The Crop.

Those two kids have the expressions of people who are being forced to do something awful against their will. They’re both subconsciously pointing their guns at Rey’s face, as if to say “If only these were real lasers, we could kill this weird mask guy and go play Call of Duty.”

Now look at this guy.

Wow.

Would you willingly engage in ANY activity with that dude? He looks like he’s waiting for the game to end so he can invite you to bible camp with his weird uncle who smells like shame, cigarettes, and French Onion dip. Am I being too specific? Moving on!

Oh Shit, The Crips Are Here!

Now see here, this is what happens. You join the guy in the gimp mask in his backyard for some harmless fake laser fights in broad daylight and then the douchebags descend upon your party like yuppies on a shrimp cocktail. I think these guys actually spring fully formed out of the box when you open it, and wont leave until you throw some gold chains and a Pitbull album out into the street. And really, who needs the hassle?



Segment 6 – Oh, Hi Christian.

Cewsh: Christian comes out to have a little chat with us, and he wants us to support him in his endeavor to get one more title shot against whoever wins the title match here tonight. The crowd doesn’t seem overly supportive about this (though they do chant “One More Match” when promoted because, hey, chanting is fun), and even less supportive is Sheamus who comes out to crash the party and ruin Christian’s fun. Christian, do you have some way that you’d like to express how you feel about this?

Hmm Well That’s…Um…

Yeah, Thought It Looked Familiar.

Sheamus then calms things down by asking Christian that if he (meaning Sheamus) helps Christian get his title match, then Christian has to give him the first title shot if he wins. Seems simple enough, and more unlikely alliances have been formed under this very pretense. Christian certainly seems to feel good about it as he and Sheamus march around chanting “One More Match” before Sheamus suddenly decides a title match sounds lame and instead boots Christian directly in the face, grins, and goes home.

Once a meany face, always a meany face.

Segment 7 – WWE United States Championship – Dolph Ziggler © vs. John Morrison vs. Jack Swagger vs. Alex Riley.

Cewsh: Ah, so here is Raw’s midcard laid out neatly before us. In one corner you have our champion, Dolph Ziggler. Great look, great skills, great act with Vickie, great everything. Then there’s Jack Swagger. Oodles of potential, capable of being carried to something very good, competitor with Dolph for Vickie Guerrero’s attentions. Then you have the flippy guy and that guy that Miz used to be friends with. Their names aren’t important, because they wont be winning. Not even a little. Not even moral victories.

The match goes down, and it’s the usual sort of clusterfuck that these matches tend to dissolve into. Everybody gets their spots in and gets to look like they may win (even Riley got in on that fun unexpectedly), but ultimately after Swagger Gutwrench Powerbombs Morrison, Ziggler shoves him out of the way long enough to grab the three and retain his title while his 3 mediocre opponents look on in shocked disappointment.

“Away With You, Peasants.”

Nothing wrong with this match. Nothing particularly right either. I hate to sound like a broken record (do kids today even know what that sounds like?) but that’s been pretty much the story of the show thus far.

74 out of 100.

Dolph Ziggler Over Everyone Else Following A Sneaky Pin.

 
Segment 8 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Randy Orton © vs. Mark Henry.

Cewsh: Quick, think of the last truly dominating and intimidating heel the WWE had. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Doop doop doop. All done and ready to answer? Alright, let’s see what you came up with. Batista? Nah, he wasn’t dominant when he was a heel, and he wasn’t a heel when he was dominant. Khali? No thank you. Show? Kane? Come on, its not 1999 anymore. By my reckoning, you’d have to truck all the way back through the history books to 2002 and the debut of Mr. Brock Lesnar in order to find a guy who could believably dominate and destroy his opponents and make them quake in fear simply to see him coming. That’s 9 years without anyone to strike fear in the hearts of all things walking. 9 years since anyone made you really think that the top guys had something to worry about. 9 years, since WWE unleashed a wrecking machine. The unstoppable monster is one of the most enduring and defining tropes throughout wrestling history, and while we’ve had pretty boy babyfaces stuck to the top of the card with glue, no true threat has come along to knock them off of their pedestal and make them fight against actual odds. For 9 years I’ve been waiting for someone to step up and fill the void that Brock Lesnar left after his first face turn derailed everything that made him great. But now, finally, the wait is over.

In this match, which I sincerely hope will be a defining moment that we refer back to in the future, Mark Henry became something special. The story of the match itself was simply and perfectly carried out. Henry went after Orton’s leg so he couldn’t do the RKO or the Punt, and Orton fought back as best as he could, like he has a million times before. As time wore on, Orton’s leg was so badly damaged that he had an incredible amount of trouble just standing up, but as always he had one trick left up his sleeve. Ever since the man first came into his own as a main eventer, he has perfected the shocking comeback. Usually, he’ll have been beaten to within an inch of his life, he’ll play possum to draw his opponent in, and then one last ditch RKO to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. That’s Orton all over. Take the beating, play the trick, win the match. It’s been repeated so often that its damn near part of the rule book. But somebody didn’t show Mark Henry any rule book, and the big guy is not fond of comebacks.

This leads directly to one of the greatest moments in wrestling that you will see anywhere this year. As Randy Orton slowly crawls to Henry, dragging himself up the man, with Henry asking him what he thinks he’s going to do, Orton goes for his desperation RKO. The one that has bailed him out of every crisis, the one that has beaten countless people who didn’t learn from the mistakes of others, the last bullet in his proverbial gun. But this time, THIS TIME, Mark Henry casually tosses him off like a fly. The look of shock and horror on Orton’s face before he lands is perfect before he stumbles back up, walks into a World’s Strongest Slam and is promptly dethroned.


The degree to which this plays on Orton’s prior matches is fantastic, and even better is the way they handled Mark Henry’s victory. There was no overbooking here. He didn’t cheat to win. He didn’t win out of nowhere or by roll up. He systematically destroyed Randy Orton, and then he took his last weapon away before finally ending him. This is as total and complete a victory as there has ever been or ever will be, and in doing this in this fashion, they have transformed Mark Henry from a guy breaking out of the midcard with a hot run that may not go anywhere, to a clear and present danger to every single wrestler in the WWE. If Henry can so casually break one of the top stars in WWE history in his prime, what does that mean for everyone else?

Trouble. That’s What.

The hoss is boss, kids. And when we look back on this match years from now, I sincerely think we’ll point to it and say “Fuck dude, remember that? That’s where it started. And things have been great ever since.”


89 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Mark Henry Over Randy Orton Following The World’s Strongest Slam.

Segment 9 – Johnny Ace And The Punks.

Cewsh: Alberto Del Rio and Johnny Ace are walking backstage, and Alberto is complaining in that same way that all heel champions seem to. Ace wishes him luck, and also wishes luck to CM Punk who is standing nearby. Punk wants to know if it’s the kind of “luck” Ace wishes when he wishes you luck in your future endeavors, to which Ace just smiles and stay holly and jolly until Punk walks away. He then immediately pulls out his phone and starts feverishly pounding on it like at the final boss in Ninja Gaiden ison there. Now seeing as how any time someone uses a phone in WWE, it always seems to be to call a member of the Clique (I don’t know why this is) it stands to reason that we can expect a visit from someone big and cuddly here tonight.

Fingers crossed for Justin Credible!

Segment 10 – WWE Divas Championship – Kelly Kelly © vs. Beth Phoenix.

Cewsh: The backstory to this feud shakes down like this. Kelly Kelly is the champion and that pisses off Beth Phoenix and Natalya something fierce. See, they feel like there are too many pretty, talentless models turned wrestlers as it is, and they’ll be damned if they get saddled with a literal Barbie as their champion. So their mission is to get the title away from Kelly at all costs, while Kelly’s mission to keep beating these self righteous (and, frankly, Barbie-like) women until they come to their senses or leave her alone.

Working against Kelly in this match, aside from the rather distinct height and weight difference, is the totally hostile Buffalo crowd which is firmly in support of their hometown girl Beth Phoenix. Kelly seems unfazed, though and takes it right to Beth coming out of the gate, giving her half her moveset in the opening moments looking for the quick surprise victory, knowing that a shock victory is her best bet for victory. As time goes on, though, she wears out and gives Phoenix a chance to take over, and that’s exactly what she does, bossing Kelly around mercilessly all over the place, including hitting a huge superplex in a very unusual occurrence for a women’s match in WWE. Unfortunately for Buffalo, Beth goes to lift Kelly up for a powerbomb, only to have it deftly turned into a sunset flip by Kelly for a shockingly sudden victory that leaves Natalya ranting and Beth wondering where she went wrong again.

Does This Look Like A Teenager Being Lectured By Her Mother To Anyone Else?

For the second month in a row, this match up has produced the best matches that the Divas division has seen in year. Whether the dynamic is what makes it good, or the improvement of Kelly Kelly, or the leadership or Beth Phoenix, or magical “Good Times” rays beamed from a satellite on Rob Van Dam’s house, it doesn’t really matter. A good match is a good match, and I’m beginning to think that these two could have good matches until the sun dries up.

78 out of 100.


Kelly Kelly Over Beth Phoenix Following A Sunset Flip.
Segment 11 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Alberto Del Rio © vs. John Cena.

Cewsh: John Cena won.

70 out of 100.

John Cena Over Alberto Del Rio Following The STF.

Segment 12 – If Triple H Loses He Is No Longer COO – No Disqualification Match – Triple H vs. CM Punk.

Cewsh: You could certainly be forgiven for not being up to date on all of the various twists and turns that the saga of CM Punk has taken in recent months. First he rebelled against the WWE structure, and in doing so (and specifically winning the WWE title and quitting WWE with it) turned the company on its head. Vince McMahon got fired for letting the inmates run the asylum, Triple H took his place, and promptly all hell broke loose. Triple H brought Punk back, and made a rematch between Punk and Cena to determine an undisputed champion, which resulted in utter controversy when Kevin Nash showed up to the surprise of everyone and beat the piss out of Punk, claiming that Triple H asked him to. It then came out that Kevin Nash sent the text to HIMSELF and acted all on his own (or possibly with someone unrevealed whose last name is a suit in a deck of cards). Meanwhile, Johnny Ace has been bucking for power, CM Punk has been stirring the pot at every opportunity, and the stress of the position has caused Triple H to lose control of his temper and not only book the match for tonight, but outright fire Kevin Nash before doing so.

Everybody got that? Close enough? Alright.

Now its important to realize that this match isn’t some kind of feud blow off or anything. This is just one more step in the continuing storyline encircling the power struggle and conspiracy at the top of WWE. As such the actual MATCH here is almost inconsequential in nature. That isn’t to say it isn’t good, because it’s a very enjoyable little brawl, that’s just explaining why these great performers aren’t exactly swinging for the fences in this match trying to have an epic epicfest. They show real aggression in this grudge match (rare in wrestling) and really sell the bad blood between them, from Triple H picking Punk apart, to Punk channeling Shane McMahon and Randy Savage with a picture perfect top rope Macho man elbow to the announce tables far below.

Jerry Lawler: “That Was Savage!”

This is all icing on the cake, though, because the real story begins when The Miz and R-Truth run down out of nowhere and start beating the shit out of both men. They beat everyone down and then drape Punk over Triple H to cost Trips the match and his job, just as they said they would. Against all odds though, Triple H kicks out prompting these reactions.

The Miz immediately blames referee Scott Armstrong and tries to bully him. But Scott is the son of Bullet fucking Armstrong and he couldn’t give a fuckbiscuit about what the Miz thinks. Miz goes to hit him, only to get leveled by a punch straight out of the Bullet’s playbook, before Truth and Miz overwhelm him and beat him down.

As Johnny Ace shuffles on down to check on Scott Armstrong. This bought Punk and Triple H valuable time to recover and throw those punkasses out of the ring, though, and they do so which then allows Triple H to bury CM Punk into the mat with a Pedigree. A ref comes running from the back to count the pin…only for him to be intercepted by Johnny Ace and perhaps suspiciously told to check on Armstrong. Good intentions or not, when Triple H sees this he goes nuts yelling at Johnny and turns right into a Go 2 Sleep of his very own. Then, in the least sense making thing of the entire night, R-Truth promptly breaks up the count, stopping CM Punk from winning, which was exactly what he wanted 5 minutes ago. This earns him a nap courtesy of the Cookie Monster. Now fucking mad as hell at all the shenanigans, he goes to springboard clothesline Triple H and eats ANOTHER Pedigree for his trouble. 1….2…NO. CM Punk just kicked out of the motherfucking Pedigree, a distinction shared by a list of people you could probably fit on one hand, and this is after already having taken one. The arena EXPLODES at this point, knowing full well how crazy and unexpected this is. And it’s at this point Ace whips out his phone and orders a party pooper.

“Pikanash I Choose You!”

Nash rolls in and demolishes everyone and their aged grandmother until Triple H finds Sledgy and introduces him to his old buddy. One Pedigree on a severely injured Punk later and here comes the new boss, same as the old boss.

You may remember that recently I made a distinction between good overbooking, where a variety of elements are introduced to a match adding to its excitement and storytelling ability, and bad overbooking, where a bunch of shit happens that doesn’t mean anything and could have easily been left out. Frankly, this match had a bit of both, as the storyline was put first and catered to properly, but contained SO MANY run ins that the significance of them diminished with each new one that came. This probably could have been cleaned up, but hey, they wanted to create chaos and they did it. Slightly lost in all of this is the fact that this match put CM Punk over more in losing then he has ever been put over in winning in his entire career (except maybe at Money in the Bank). Toughing it out through 3 beatdowns, two pedigrees and having to be in a room with Johnny Ace made him look like a supreme badass who really belonged with Triple H. Which is a thing that would have been absolutely unthinkable 6 months ago.

This match was good, but not great. The story is intriguing but not incredible. And I’m eager to see more, but not eager to pay to see it.

But not ruling it out, either.


82 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Triple H Over CM Punk Following A Pedigree.

—————————————–

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I’ve lauded WWE recently for putting on cards that were consistently good from top to bottom. This isn’t one of those cards. It had definite weak points and only one true peak, with some good stuff in between. But nonetheless, I come away from this show feeling generally positive. Every title has a feud around it that means something and all of the top guys are involved in things that are fresh and different for them (with the exception of John Cena). I think we can expect to have ourselves a very happy holiday season with the Dub, and they’ve got their hooks in me more than they have in years.

In the words of Vice: Giddy up.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 74.71 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed a champion evening with me, and we hope that you’ll join us for a delightful repast next week for Dramatic Dream Team’s Peter Pan 2011. An appetizer of a man shooting fireworks out of his ass, an entree of children wrestling, and a desert of something called “Gay Rules”. You know how our Japanese reviews are either super epic or unfathomably weird? Yeah, this is going to be one of those latter ones. So until then, as always, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another.

TNA No Surrender 2011

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

 
TNA No Surrender 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the ever misleading Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we make use of the very most concise and accurate reviewing tool at our disposal and as such provide to you a review with the absolute focus and precision of a laser beam. TNA No Surrender 2011 is the show in question, and I say this with the utmost solemnity and seriousness. It deserves every inch of what we are about to do to it.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – Segment 19
Segment 20 – TNA X Division Championship – Brian Kendrick (c) vs. Austin Aries.
Cewsh: This match is exempt.

Segment 21 – Segment 116.

————————————-


Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh
: I can already hear you all now. “This again, Cewsh? Why couldn’t you have just reviewed the show like always?” Perhaps a few of you might even be saying “Come on, the show wasn’t THAT bad, you’re overreacting.” To the both of you I say that no we can’t, and no we’re not.

Let me be clear about this. This show is dogshit. TNA faithful may hem and haw and look for the best in everything, and to them I have nothing but admiration for their perseverance and sympathy for their denial. This show was dogshit on a scale approached only by a city park on the weekend. Nearly every fucking match was marred by some ridiculous finish that was totally unnecessary and actively fucked up any interest the fans had in the match, every match on the card felt like a repeat for the millionth time and the one thing that should have been at a fever pitch going into its conclusion (the Bound For Glory Series) was instead ruined by confusion, silly misleading rules, and a completely out of nowhere final four, only one of whom had even been pushed in the months leading up to now (Hint: Its not the guy who won). To say that incompetence ran wild in the planning and execution of this show would be to suggest that we have some kind of right to expect anything else from the people who employ a known drug addict and who brought him back immediately before he is sentenced to jail time, and have a repeat DWI offender for their World Champion. Believe me, I could rant all day about this and about how every champion in the company is completely undermined and worthless, and about how the main event of every TNA show is met with utter ambivalence by their audience, and how after one shining show of brilliance they have buried what makes them successful in an ever growing bog of diseased booking. I could go on forever.

But, frankly, they don’t deserve my time.

So good work to Aries and Kendrick for rising above the muck with an admirable performance, and the best of luck to Robert Roode, a hard working and talented man whose main event push is going to fail for reasons he cannot help. Good luck to AJ Styles and Samoa Joe and Christopher Daniels and all the guys who have tried their best to turn this product into something to be proud of for so many years. The best of luck to you all. Because increasingly, week by week and month by month, I am convinced that you will need it.

Cewsh’s Final Score: Fuck You We Are Jado And Gedo Out Of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: When Austin Aries wins the X Division title in a very fun match, and the show still gets a facepalm review.. you know things have gone horribly wrong. Well, this is TNA, so maybe I should just say things are par for the course. With their biggest PPV of the year coming up next month, this is not a good sign.

Easy with the pitchforks and torches there kids, and rest easy. Instead of making you spend your whole week contemplating the unimaginable mind fuckery that is TNA No Surrender 2011, you’ll be getting an actual for real review as well because that’s the kind of loving and benevolent bloggers we are. So keep an eye out for the incredibly exciting beginning to out Puro Month NJPW Dominion 2011 coming up mid week, and and for more goodies in the days and weeks to come. And whether you’re booking TNA (looking at you, Gadhafi) or already picking out your slutty schoolgirl outfit for Halloween (looking at you, mirror) remember to keep reading, and be good to one another.

The Results of The Cewsh Reviews Arto Contestico!

FINALLY, we have laboriously found a winner to our logo submission contest. We got several submissions ultimately and they ranged everywhere from lazy crap and oddly classy tributes. But after letting Vice have a free hand in choosing the winner, he harshly criticized all of the entries (it was like Simon Cowell nasty) before settling on the only one in the whole bunch that made him laugh when he saw it.

So with no further ado, here is the winner of the very first Cewsh Reviews Arto Contestico, and the winner of a t-shirt with his design on it and a warm Yoohoo through the mail…

TAKERSON!

His combination of total balls out ridiculousness, along with Vice’s odd love of being a police officer that I never knew about him before, as well as his utterly accurate depiction of my physique clinched it for him, as he finally assigned bodies to the floating heads we’ve been all this time. The explosion was also tastefully restrained, and the Shopping masterfully executed.

So congratulations to takerson, and thank you to all of you who submitted pieces of your own. We’ll play this again and you’ll all get a chance to win all on your own, the fabulous prizes in store. But until then, hail the current king, as he has provided the official logo of Panda Puro Party Month.

WWE Summerslam 2011

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE SUMMERSLAM 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only review blog with more hoes than rakes, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we jump off the diving board and cannon ball our way into the biggest party of the summer with WWE Summerslam 2011. It’s the second (or third, depending on who you ask) biggest show of the year and they’ve done it up nice this year as we continue on down the road of the biggest storyline of the year, with When Cena Met Punk II. We’re walking into this show with two WWE champions and we’re walking out with just one, and the COO himself is going to have his hands all over it as the special guest referee. Does Triple H have less than honorable intentions (like always)? Will CM Punk complete his improbable ascension to the very top of the card? Will John Cena BRABADOO another BRABADOO? These are heavy questions, suitable for only the most experienced and prepared reviewers to handle. Which is why we went out and got the Turnip Queen herself and Ms. Cewsh’s sister to boot, Michelle. What are her qualifications for this all important role? Well she has never watched a complete wrestling match before ever in her entire life and she has only ever heard of John Cena and Rey Mysterio. We’ve all wondered what seeing these events through the eyes of someone completely free of any bias or foreknowledge would be like, and it may very well be more than you bargained for, sports fans. All name misspellings and misunderstandings have been left in to keep the experience as pure as possible.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Well this is awkward.

See, this is the place where I usually tell you how the opening video of the pay per view was. How it sold the show, how it got me excited for various matches and storylines, that sort of thing. But you see, while I would gladly repeat this tried and true method here, WWE forgot that we had a date and went to a concert with its friends instead. So instead of our regularly scheduled video, we instead get a guitarist dude with long hair who comes out and tries so hard to be Jimi Hendrix with the Star Spangled Banner for the next 5 minutes that its kind of depressing. He is apparently the guitar player for Tool, which, seemingly, is sadly fitting.

Also his pants were stupid.

This Is This Guy AT HIS BEST.

THEN we get ourselves the classic video package, detailing the convoluted road that has led us to our champion vs. champion match. It should pretty much stand to reason that I think this storyline is awesome because I am a functioning, reasoning human being and not a cold, unfeeling robot. But even for a storyline that is actively selling itself, WWE still does a strong job here, with the symbolism of dominos falling into place leading us inexorably to this point. A very classy touch, are the icing on the cake to get me amped up. Now just 2 and a half hours to wait…

GAH HURRY UP AND GET HERE YOU FUCKING THING


Segment 2 – The Glass Ceiling Wrecking Crew (The Miz, Alberto Del Rio and R-Truth) vs. The Unpushables (Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston and John Morrison).

Cewsh: Despite my wildly clever nicknames up there, you may be shocked to learn that the good guys triumph in this one, with Rey Mysterio pinning R-Truth after an entertaining, if forgettable opening match. The interesting thing here, though, has everything to do with the heels and nothing at all to do with the faces. Alberto Del Rio is flirting with the main event slot that has stood ready for him since the day he first drove onto a WWE stage, Miz and R-Truth are using their relative depushings to form a storyline of their own, as they slowly agree to team up against the conspiracy they both believe is holding them down. Really interesting stories going on for all three of them, as they continue to expand on their complex and nuanced characters. Meanwhile Kofi Kingston is still Jamaican, John Morrison is still the Doctor of Parkournomics and Rey Mysterio has just had his third utterly anticlimactic title reign, each seemingly shorter than the last.

WWE may have set out to put on a simple opening match for a big show by putting their biggest unused stars in it, but they couldn’t have better illustrated their own troubles with booking babyfaces if they had used a giant neon sign.

On the plus side, though, at least all of these guys are fun to watch. At least there’s that.

67 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh’s Sister’s Notes:

– I don’t know what’s going on, or who any of these people are…and why do more people keep coming out?

– Are people ever going to stop coming out? And all of these people look like complete douches.

– Six people now out. OH hey, the only person I recognize at all! Yaaay. Ray Mysterio. Six people seems to be the max. And now everyone is just staring at each other and shouting things. Probably bad things. I doubt any of them are shouting confessions of undying love across the ring. Though that could be funny…

– I’m not sure that guy’s foot is even making contact with that guy…

– I feel like I kinda want to like Morrison, since he’s the only attractive person in the ring right now, and that is important to a young lady watching half naked men throwing each other around (Mysterio doesn’t count, since he has a mask on) but he’s getting his ass kicked so hard that I’m really almost ashamed to admit that.

– Soooo much showboating by Koby Kingston. We’re back to everyone looking like douches again.

– Oh yeah, he just got kicked in the face.

– I’m not sure who Ray Mysterio is fighting, but it seems his primary defense is break dancing.

– And it failed.

– Aaaand now it’s a free for all. But Ray Mysterio won, and I’m okay with that, cuz I like him. He’s short and he jumps around like a monkey and is very entertaining to watch.

Team Mysterio Over Team R-Truth Following A Top Rope Splash From Mysterio To R-Truth.

Segment 3 – CM Punk Is The Greatest Person To Ever Exist Including The Guy Who Invented Tacos.

Cewsh: And good god do I love tacos.

MCS: ….Why is there an old timey Italian mafia guy talking to CM Punk? I’m getting the feeling Punk is supposed to be a bad guy. It’s kinda a subtle vibe, but I may be picking it up. Just maybe.

Cewsh: CM Punk is backstage and runs into the ever grumpy John Laurenitus. Johnny Ace demands an apology for Punk kicking him in the back of the head on Raw (a moment I’ll hold in my heart and treasure for all eternity). Punk proceeds to give him the single least sincere apology in the history of spoken language, complete with a big cheesy grin, causing a disgruntled Johnny to stalk off muttering to himself. Punk laughs to himself for a minute before turning right into a waiting Stephanie McMahon. Oddly, she claims to only be here to wish Punk luck, to which Punk seems reasonably dubious, and wants to shake Punk’s hand to show there are no hard feelings. Punk refuses saying “I would, but I know where that hand’s been” as the crowd yells “OOOOOOOOOH” more than the entire combined cast of Yo Momma.

“Is That Lotion, Or Did Your Hand Just Come From A ‘Staff Meeting’?

At this point CM Punk has me so squarely in his pocket that he gives me a high five whenever he reaches for his keys. This improbable main event run for him is like a weird dream come true. I keep thinking I’m going to wake up to find that Jack Swagger is the champion and Punk follows him around with a parasol singing his theme song. Please stay asleep, please stay asleep, please stay asleep…


Segment 4 – Sheamus vs. Mark Henry.

Cewsh: At some point in the past few months, someone looked over at Mark Henry eating a footlong meatball sub at catering, noticed that he happened to be a fucking enormous and intimidating looking guy, and suddenly thought “Hey wait a second, why aren’t we using him on our shows again?” I imagine it happened that way because all of a sudden Mark Henry transformed from a happy go lucky babyface who was utterly worthless into a fucking monster who is absolutely laying waste to everything in his path. Big Show, Kane and Kozlov have been beaten so thoroughly by the man that they’ll be out for months (and in Kozlov’s case, never) and the fans have started to respond, booing him out of the universe every time he shows up. Enter Sheamus, the newly turned brawler from Ireland, and you have yourself a slobberknocker that people really seem interested in. Who’d have thought?

The match starts off about how you’d expect. Sheamus and Mark Henry beat on each other for awhile before Henry takes over and just starts laying waste to Sheamus over and over. Sheamus keeps firing back up and the fans get behind him hugely, but Henry shuts him down again and again, making sure the man is in as much pain as possible every second of every minute to make him pay for defying the Great Henry. Finally, after Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick that send Henry flying out of the ring, Henry scoops Sheamus up for his insolence, runs him into the steel ringpost and then flings him through the guardrail so hard that Sheamus goes right through and lands on the concrete outside as the fans in the front row (plants) lose their fucking minds. Sheamus tries to beat the count back into the ring, but can’t, and Henry continues on his destructive path.

This match was slow at parts, which is fair since these guys aren’t exactly crusierweights, but it was very, very effective at its dual pursuits of putting Henry over as a killer and getting the fans behind Sheamus, and that’s all this match was really for. From here I imagine Henry will move on to go after Orton, and Sheamus will find some heel to battle and everything will be hunky dory as Smackdown slowly, but surely, replenishes their barren main event scene one step at a time. Count me in.

72 out of 100.

MCSN:

– And now we have (uh?) Mark Henry (?) versus a little Irish guy who looks about half Henry’s size. I’m thinking this might be a little one sided. (Sheamus the Celtic Warrior?) Henry just swatted Sheamus in the face like a knat…

– (insert a conversation about wrestling “tweeners” and how that term makes them sound like 13 year old girls, while not really watching what’s going on.)

– “It’s like a seal! A big ass harbor seal jumping on someone.” I feel bad for Sheamus. His head was in a very unfortunate place. And now Henry is giving him the bear hug from hell. And Sheamus’ greatest offensive maneuver was a barrel roll out of the way as Henry jumped off the ropes in his general direction.

– Does anyone have a red curtain we can wave in front of Henry? Toro, toro.

– Henry just slammed Sheamus’s back into a bar and threw him into the audience barricade. So, uh, how much does the show pay you if they break your back? Sheamus tried to crawl back to the ring, but couldn’t make it. Sheamus lost, and I feel kinda bad cuz I was pulling for him in an underdog sorta way.

Mark Henry Over Sheamus Following A Countout.

Segment 5 – Christian Puts On His Robe And Wizard Hat.

Cewsh: Christian is backstage with Josh Matthews and he wants to talk about Randy Orton while grinning off camera to a disconcerting degree. He compares them each to movies, comparing himself to Harry Potter (prompting MCS to unleash to epic “So he’s putting on his robe and wizard hat?” line).

The Greatest Photoshop Work We Have Ever Done.

He compares Orton to Cowboys and Aliens. Because he’s a flop, you see. Except in Christian world someone who makes more money is the flop. Because Christian world is WHY ARE YOU GRINNING OFF CAMERA SO MUCH YOU CREEPY LITTLE BASTARD?!

MCS: Can we skip the trash talking and get back to guys getting thrown around some more? I’d
like that a lot. K thx bai.

Segment 6 – The Most Expensive Piss Break Of The Year.

MCS: And now there is a guy in a sparkly graduation gown singing. I’m a little disturbed. Did someone change the channel and I didn’t notice? I’m gonna go play some WoW, call me when the wrestling comes back.

Cewsh: Preceded and followed by commercials (not for WWE things, just actual commercials), is the much awaited and ballyhooed musical performance of Ceelo Green. Now I know that “WWE fan” and “fan of contemporary R&B” are not really two genres of people that have a ton of crossover, but even so most people should know this individual from Gnarls Barkley and the official summer song of a few years ago “Crazy” and the official summer song of this year “Forget You”. The man is well known and people like his music. So naturally a WWE audience comprised of many young people should be excited to see a mini concert with the man right?

Yeah, no.

For at least the 100,000,000th time in wrestling history, a wrestling promoter stumbles across this idea, gives it a try, and it results in an unbelievable amount of miserable failure. The crowd, which is here to see people harm each other, is absolutely fucking silent for the entire musical performance, with maybe one person in 20 making any movement whatsoever except to the concession stand. Despite this, Ceelo continually attempts to engage them, and get them to sing his songs back to them, which they of course don’t because THIS IS NOT A CEELO GREEN CONCERT. Then the Divas wander out in the tightest red dresses physically possible and prance about behind Ceelo like music video girls in a manner suggesting that someone instructed them to be cheerful and happy and attracted to Ceelo. After two songs they pack it in and go to the back to no fanfare whatsoever.

Shown: Two Former Divas Champions.

Is it any wonder why no musical artist ever seems to do this more than once? How would it feels to travel around the country playing to packed arenas who love you, and then come here only to play to a crowd less interested in you than the midget with the t shirt cannon? Its got to be embarrassing for them, embarrassing for the Divas, and it well and truly should be embarrassing for whoever’s idea it was since this same thing JUST HAPPENED to Kid Rock awhile ago.

Stop trying this, WWE. Pretty please. It just makes me depressed.


Segment 7 – WWE Divas Championship – Kelly Kelly © vs. Beth Phoenix.

MCS: Divas…This isn’t quite what I meant when I asked for more wresting…

(Cewsh Note: I am now starting to heavily suspect that my Sister-In-Law is Rajah forum denizen Hero! in disguise.)

Cewsh: Recently a newly revitalized Beth Phoenix has joined forces with Natalya in a new heely endeavor entitled the Divas of Doom, bent entirely on getting rid of the pretty girls with no wrestling ability in WWE, focusing primarily on Kelly Kelly and Eve. They’ve taunted Kelly, and provoked her, and regard her as no threat whatsoever, assuming that this victory is in the bag and that they’ll begin a new era of Divas wrestling without Barbie (literally and figuratively). Kelly is out to prove she’s more than just that 18 year old who had trouble taking her bra off 5 years ago and wants to show that she’s come too far to let herself be called useless. CLASH.

Now this match is an easy one to categorize, and it’s the same sort of one they appeared to be building towards when Kharma first debuted. Monster heel against plucky babyface. It doesn’t work QUITE so well with Beth since, well, she’s an attractive blond woman with huge fake breasts too, but hey, the archetype stays the same. Beth starts off the match throwing Kelly around, utterly in control and toying with Kelly, expecting an easy win whenever she wants it. Kelly keeps firing back, though, putting Beth on her heels, wiping the smile right off her face and making her look shocked to be encountering this kind of resistance from a woman she’s dismissed as little more than a pretty face. Kelly throws everything she can at Beth, but seems unable to do much more than make Beth mad, as Phoenix takes back control again and again as she gets madder and madder before finally going for the Glam Slam to put her annoyingly persistent opponent down once and for all. Kelly shocks her by ducking under for a Victory Roll, though, and before Beth can register the change the ref counts 1…2…3 and Kelly slides out, grabs her title and holds it up, having proven that, pretty face or not, she’s more to be reckoned with than Phoenix ever expected.

I really enjoyed this match, and as well I should, as this is one of my favorite kinds of matches. Beth played the monster heel who underestimates her opponent to her demise terrifically and Kelly is spot on as a plucky face with something to prove. Kelly’s selling, especially, was fucking spot on throughout, to a degree rarely seen much of anywhere anymore. As a result, this is probably the best Divas match of the year and with only more of these kinds of matches to come I’m warming significantly to Kelly Kelly as the Divas champion. Anyone who wants to remain stuck in 2006 can feel free to, but for my money Kelly is the first Divas champion we’ve had in years and years who the fans cheer for, who delivers consistent performances, and on whose shoulders decent storylines can actually be built. Barbie is here to stay, but she’s got a few tricks up her sleeve. I can live with that.

However Eve Remains Without Any Credibility At All.


78 out of 100.

Kelly Kelly Over Beth Phoenix Following A Victory Roll.

Segment 8 – Meanwhile, In Backstage Land…

Cewsh: John Cena apparently just had sex with Stephanie McMahon. There are probably other ways to interpret her leaving his dressing room with shifty eyes, but none of them sound as much like bad fan fiction, so let’s go with that.


Segment 9 – The Continuing Saga of Undersized James.

Cewsh: R-Truth is backstage looking perplexed as he tries to puzzle out the conspiracy that has plagued him for months and what he has to do to break through the glass ceiling. For some reason Jimmy Hart shows up and tells him that what he needs is a manager, namely Jimmy Hart. R-Truth seems really excited before saying “I like that a little, Jimmy”. Once he hears what he said though it makes him immediately paranoid that Jimmy Hart is, in fact, the Little Jimmy that has been torturing him all this time (which would be an amazing twist).

He’s Little. He’s Jimmy. Makes Sense To Me.

Jimmy Hart pleads his innocence, but R-Truth runs him off anyone, because when you’re at war you can no longer trust people who vaguely resemble imaginary people you made up. NO QUARTER NO SURRENDER. R-Truth then yells at Ron Artest and his daughter who have apparently just been hanging out on WWE production equipment backstage 5 feet away this entire time. Artest, who has legally changed his name to Meta World Peace and once charged into the stands to assault a fan at a basketball game he was playing in, looks at R-Truth likes he’s crazy. That’s pretty damning evidence right there.

“That Man Is Crazy, Dr. Raptorclaws.”

I adore Jimmy Hart even if its sad that his whole Wrestlicious thing didn’t work out. If nothing else I’ll always love the man for composing this incredible ballad.

 Segment 10 – Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett.

Cewsh: This feud began as all the best things in life are known to do, haphazardly and via the internet. Wade Barrett started calling Bryan out on being such a dork and being undeserving of the Money in the Bank briefcase and, oddly enough, Bryan took exception to this and now they’re going to have a wrestling match, because that’s what wrestlers do. If they were professional chainsaw jugglers, this might be significantly more interesting, but the likelihood of accidental decockitation is much lower here, so let’s all appreciate that for a moment.

Really this match was just an excuse to give two exciting talents the chance to have a long, quality match on PPV, and these two took full advantage of the opportunity. Bryan was, of course, the usual Bryan, all full of fire and technically perfect, whereas Barrett got a rare chance here to flesh out exactly who he is as a character inside the ring. Despite being on the main roster for about a year and a half now, the man has been given very limited time to do anything of the sort, so it’s a pleasure to see him try out new moves, establish himself as a powerhouse brawler, and to shove Bryan around like the big man he is. They work stiff and throw some absolute bombs at each other, and before long the crowd it wrapped up in a match between two guys with less direction than a broken GPS. It just goes to show the value a straight wrestling match given decent time can do to help a character as this match helps both men involved simply by existing.

It isn’t going to be the best match of the night, and it isn’t going to be the worst. But there sure as hell is no reason not to watch these guys go at it with their push on the line. Good times are had by all.

 
80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MCS: As we once again get to the real wrestling, I realize that I have absolutely no idea whyall these men seem to hate each other. It also occurs to me that all of their moves lookvery similar with different names. That may just be my untrained eye watching but oh well.

We now have some British guy (who looks like a douche) against some blond guy (who also looks like a douche) I’m sensing a theme here. Apparently blonde douche is a submissionspecialist (I have been informed the British is Wade Barret and the blonde is Daniel Bryan)which I approve of, cuz it’s kinda cool to see the more subtle stuff instead of flat out beating people. Course Bryan twisting Barrets knees around and then jumping on them seemed to hurt.

I’m wondering when we’re going to get to the big match. …What was the big match again? We’re getting closer, I think. There’s a title match going on. (I think. And I got confirmation from Cewsh.) Randy Orton against Christian (no last name, apparently.) Christian is apparently bat-shit crazy. Wheeee!

Wade Barrett Over Daniel Bryan Following Wasteland.

Segment 11 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – No Holds Barred Match – Christian © vs. Randy Orton.

Cewsh: Ah, so here we are at last, after months and months, the end of the road for Randy Orton and Christian. Throughout this feud, Christian has morphed from a happy go lucky babyface to a bitter, jealous and whiny heel in his obsession with gaining the World Heavyweight Championship. Randy Orton has gone from cool, confidant champion, to raging, maddened contender. And the matches have gone from well orchestrated, technical marvels to repetitive overbooked messes. So now here we are at the end, where one of these men will finally prove themselves to be better than the other once and for all, and we’ll find out exactly what a Christian vs. Randy Orton match is capable of.

But before we can get things started, Christian has a special guest for us, to tell everyone how awesome he is, his best buddy Edge.

We Miss You, You Lovable Bastard.

Edge, who comes out to what is probably by far the biggest pop of the night, rolls up into the ring, and instead of glad handing Christian like he expects, Edge instead rips into him, not only for being a whiny crybaby, but for making being an opportunist seem so…boring next to Edge. Edge openly dresses him down with disgust as Christian looks on in shocked amazement, until Edge ends with the line “Christian, you’re my best friend in the whole world. I just never thought my best friend would turn out to be such a little bitch.” and walks off.

PWNED.

Taking full advantage of Christian being thrown off his game, Dr. McOrton makes his way to the ring and we get started. Right from the get go, Orton is out for blood, harrying Christian all over place as Christian tries to recover his aplomb and fight back to no avail. Christian dicks his way back into the match, and then men proceed to start coming up with all sorts of inventive ways to harm one another, more than a few of which eliciting an honest “OH FUCK” from me. The go to town with everything but the kitchen sink (since I think Perry Saturn kept that when he left) and they build the drama of the match higher and higher as the crowd begins to hang on their every nearfall and every counter. With the drama building, Christian begins trying more and more crazy ideas to keep Orton down, but no matter what he hits Orton with, its not enough. HE’S not enough. Letting his temper get the best of him Christian earns himself a one way trip through a table and then Orton really gets cooking. After beating Christian with everything from trash cans to the steel steps, he goes to hit thee death blow, with an RKO on the steel steps, a fitting end to a feud.

“He’s Right Behind Me, Isn’t He?”

But Christian cheap shots him out of nowhere and goes for his flipping roll up out of the corner. The last mistake he’ll make as champion. Perfectly recalling the ending of the first match, and the near ending of the second, Orton catches Christian soaring blindly through the air, and drives him down with an RKO onto the steel steps.

BANG. Novus rex coronatur.

This was everything I had criticized their earlier matches for not being. It was heated, it was emotional, they built and built the drama until the fans couldn’t take anymore instead of just having a technical contest regardless of how they reacted, and more than anything it had a clear and definitive end that was both meaningful and final. When I heard these two would be wrestling, this was the match that I longed to see them have. Two great wrestlers, showing exactly why they deserve that title. Its the way a title match ought to be.

 
91 out 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MCS: Oh yay, it’s no holds barred match. Which, as I have been told, means it’s okay to kick someone in the nuts! (Cewsh and I had a long conversation about not being able to kick people in the nuts.)

And now we have a pre-match pep talk… Sorta. There’s a lot of fighting out in the audience.Christian’s really not lasting very long against Orton. I think Orton just got stuck in theropes. Why is Cristian writhing around under the ring? Oh…Why is there a Kendo stick under the ring? Orton is getting his ass handed to him now. Someone should tell Randy Ortonthat when you kick someone with both feet, you’re not supposed to land on your head. As much as I’m enjoying watching Randy Orton (and he’s a very good looking man) I really wish this was over, because Christian is very clearly over matched and just needs to lie the fuck down.

And now the announcer very suggestively stated “Here comes the tables” I am disturbed again.Orton is very carefully positioning that table, and then got kicked in the nuts. I am vilified!!

As a female, I must admit. I ❤ nutshots. I take a horribly vindictive, witchy glee at seeing them.

Orton really needs to stop hurting himself while hitting Christian. Orton is apparently a viper/tiger/kangaroo, cuz he stalks and he jumps really fucking high. If he spent half as much time fighting as he does stalking toward Christian, he might have won already. Christian slams Orton against the stairs that Orton was prepping (very artistically) to slam Christian into. I’m quickly losing all respect for Orton, no matter how pretty he is. But they are somehow both still going.

Apparently, Christian is too dumb to have noticed that spitting on Orton is a bad idea. Such stupidity deserves to lose. Orton is just piling as much junk as he can into the ring from underneath. I see two trash cans, some kendo sticks and a set of stairs. And a table. I must note, that Orton is now bleeding from no less than three places. Hard ways, too. I think Orton just won by flopping on top of Christian after slamming his own head into the stairs. I’m glad he won, but that was sort a a weird way to do it.

My favorite moment of the match is when Christian and Orton, both holding their heads from their own blows and stumbling, stagger backwards into each other, and then spin around, surprised, as though they never would have expected to see each other in the center of a wrestling ring.

Randy Orton Over Christian Following An RKO.

Segment 12 – Foreshadowing?

Cewsh: We get a quick look backstage of Triple H and Stephanie as Triple H heads out to the ring to referee the main event. As Triple H leaves, Stephanie has a distinctly worried and distraught look on her face. I wonder if she’s planning something…


Segment 13 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – John Cena (c) vs. CM Punk (c) w/ Special Referee Triple H.

Cewsh: Awwww yeah.

Okay, for those of you who spent the past month or two trying to climb Mt. Killimanjaro and missed out on current events, let’s summarize. CM Punk decided he had had enough of WWE’s bullshit and would quit, and planned to take the title with him. Cena talked Vince McMahon into letting the match happen with the stipulation that if Cena lost, he’d be fired. Punk won and took the belt and fucked off with it. As a result of this the WWE Board of Directors removed Vince from power and replaced him with Triple H who promptly resigned Punk to put all of this ugliness behind him. Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio won a tournament to crown a new WWE champion and John Cena promptly beat him for it. So now with Cena and Punk both as champions, and the situation disintegrating by the second, Triple H stepped in to be the impartial ref and make sure things happened fairly. Punk doesn’t trust Triple H and neither does Cena. Anything can happen and nobody knows.

Now going into this, it is important for you to understand what this match is and what it isn’t. What it isn’t is a repeat of their match from Money in the Bank. That was one of the most special and unique matches in our generation of wrestling and it wont be repeated here or anywhere else. What this match IS, is a display of exactly what it means for two wrestlers to have chemistry together. It isn’t just about flowly quickly between moves. It isn’t just about their ability to have great matches. For those special pairs that have the kind of in and out of ring chemistry that defines their generation (Hogan/Warrior, Rock/Austin, Flair/Rhodes, Misawa/Kawada) there is an almost palpable electricity in the air between them whenever they share a room. Whatever else is going on, whenever they’re in the same place, your eyes go directly to them. I had always thought that Edge and Cena had the closest thing to that that we were likely to get in this generation of wrestling, but I was wrong. Punk and Cena have that chemistry, and this match is basically the story of it.

As the two men clash, and the fans go nuts, and the moves go down, the atmosphere of the big fight never leaves these two. That they show grudging respect for each other, and that John Cena displays clearly in this match that after all the other people he’s defeated easily he just doesn’t understand how to beat CM Punk is the single most interesting story development that WWE has offered up in who knows how long, subtle though it be.

There Has Never Been Anyone Who Truly Made Cena Doubt Himself. Until Punk.

They go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, with Triple H living up to his role and calling it right down the middle, until the ending, where CM Punk nails ANOTHER Go 2 Sleep on Cena, covers him and gets the 1…2…3. We have our undisputed WWE champion, the king of all things and he is CM Punk. Everything was great and everyone is happy, right?

Not so fast.

See, first of all John Cena’s foot was on the rope. His foot was all over the rope. If John Cena’s foot were considered a coworker of the rope, it’d be fired for sexual harassment.

Rope: “Call Me.”

Its so obvious, in fact, that it immediately calls to mind the question of whether or not Triple H intentionally didn’t see it. But why would Triple H do that? Why would he want CM Punk to be the champion? What possible plan could he hav…

What The Fuuuuuuck?!

And then Big Sexy Kevin Nash comes out of nowhere and Jacknife Powerbomb’s Punk right out of his shoes, while Triple H looks on in utter shock.

“What The Fuuuuuuck?!”

Then Alberto Del Rio takes this chance to run down, cash in and become your new WWE Heavyweight Champion, completely out of nowhere.

So to recap, the face of the company loses due to flukey means that makes him look cheated rather than lesser, and then the boss’ best friend shows up and wastes the thorn in Triple H’s side, and then the guy the company has heralded as the next big thing snatches the title out of the hands of the Punk.

Destiny.

Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d suggest there there’s something afoot here. But what? And by whom? Hmmmmmm…

As far as the match itself goes, it was terrific. These guys could wrestle for hours at this point and I would only ask for more. It’ll ultimately be forgotten in the wake of the storyline that followed, but that doesn’t take away from it. This was the good kind of overbooking. The kind that draws you into the storyline further and makes you desperate to see what happens next. When people reminisce about the Attitude Era, these are the sorts of storyline that they’re really longing for. Because now you just have to see more. I know I do.


88 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MCS: Oh look, the main event. CM Punk. Yeah, you can’t fake that kinda doucheiness. I really want to throw my vote in with the guy with tattoos and stuff, but he just seems like the epitome of ass, soooo… we’ll see. He looks fucking nuts. Now John Cena is coming out. He has a neck like a tree trunk, and that is really the only thing I’ve noticed about him yet. I can’t
look away from it.

So, the announcer just announced them both, and I have to wonder. Do announcers go to school to learn how to make those weird voices? Or is it on the job training? Maybe a day camp?

I wish Cena would pull up his shorts. You can have undies, or shorts, but you cannot have both. I think Punk’s opening move was to mess up Cena’s hair. Not that he has much hair to mess up.

They trade blows pretty evenly for a while. I dunno what really happened, but Punk pinned Cena, but Cena had his leg on the ropes (?) so everyone was freaking out about it. As Cena walked away with wounded pride, someone (apparently Kevin Nash, a friend of Triple H’s??) showed up out of fucking no where and just took Punk out. Nash went away, and Punk just sorta layed there limply and then someone (dunno his name) who won a “title match anytime, anywhere” get-out-of-jail-card-esque deal showed up and pinned Punk. So now some completely random-ass guy is the new champion. And all I can do is stare and ask “What the fuck just happened?”

CM Punk Over John Cena Following The Go 2 Sleep. Alberto Del Rio Over CM Punk Following The Shining Wizard.
——————————————–

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: This was a great show.

It wasn’t great in the same way that Money in the Bank of Destination X were great shows. Those shows were great by being consistently terrific from start to finish with special moments. This show was great because it nailed the kind of spectacle and big event feel they’ve been trying to assign to Summerslam for years with no real success. Here the two main events absolutely delivered in spades, and the undercard was full of entertaining stuff to keep you chugging along towards the matches you came to see. The similarities between this show and the best show WCW put together during the Attitude Era are somewhat uncanny, I think. And seeing as that shit was so good it lit the industry on fire, I think we can all agree that that is A-OK.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 79.33 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh’s Sister’s Massively Concise Summary:

MCS: I think this is a good summary to this show: “What the fuck just happened?”

Ms. Cewsh’s Sister’s Final Score: 3 and 1/2 Turnips Out Of 5.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed reading a bout a PPV that happened 3 weeks ago, bearing in mind all that has happened ever since. After this we plunge onwards into Puro Party Month with NJPW Dominion 2011, DDT’s Peter Pan 2011 and the All Together tribute charity show which will come all the way at the end. And who knows, sometime in there some Jugagglos might just show up to spoil the party. But until then, and as always, keep reading and be good to one another.