Hello ducklings and welcome to a very exciting review. As has become tradition, if Mrs. Cewsh is hosting, we must be watching women beat the hell out of each other. Tonight is no exception, as we depart from the safe, comforting shores of Shimmer to sail across the country to Cewsh’s favorite state, New Jersey!
Women Superstars Uncensored, or WSU, is Shimmer’s main competition in the US. This show marks their 4th anniversary, so they’re sure to pull out all the stops. They’ll be some familiar faces, some new, and even some we wish we’d forgotten. What are Uncensored rules? Who announces for this place? Who gave Jazz a run in 2011? No, seriously, we don’t know. You’ll have to read along and find out with us.
Mrs.Cewsh: Comparisons to Shimmer are inevitable as both companies are solely women wrestlers, both American indies, and both about the same age. Shimmer’s beating the pants off WSU in terms of DVD presentation. Shimmer has high quality DVD cases with professionally printed covers and disc labels. WSU’s box is flimsy, the cover is printed off an inkjet printer and doesn’t fit in the plastic right, and the DVD is a plain burned disk labeled “1”. Disk 2 is not labeled at all.
HOWEVER, WSU does in fact HAVE an opening video, something Shimmer does not. That doesn’t make it the most high quality of videos, but it is nice to have some backstory.
Mercedes Martinez is the WSU champion. Serena Deeb, fresh out of WWE, has shown up to challenge for the belt. In another staggering difference from Shimmer, Deeb is a heel, hacking a big chunk of Mercedes’ hair off.
On the other hand, Alica won a contract to challenge for any belt in the company. It could be Mercedes’, it could be the Spirit title. She’s not saying.
The video looks straight out of 1998 with bad transitions and a weird lens flare right in the middle of the screen through the entire video. I will say, that the camera work and audio quality look fine, so I won’t complain if it’s a little dark and grainy.
Mrs. Cewsh: There’s a little audio kerfuffle, but it’s quickly sorted out while the ring announcer chats at the crowd about the hall of fame ceremony that went before the show. The ring announcer’s name is Destiny. She’s no Joey Eastman.
While they are rivals with Shimmer, they’re friendly enough to use each others talent liberally. This is good, because everyone loves Leva. Except the announcers who don’t know her name and can’t tell her apart from Athena.
Speaking of, Athena is out first, and the set is actually pretty nice. Then the camera guy drops the camera trying to turn around.
Leva comes out as “from Stark Tower.” I’m going to marry that woman some day. She’s in her Iron Leva gear again.
Again, there are camera issues with her entrance.
The match isn’t the best. Both women are enjoyable in the ring, but Leva especially could use a vet to guide her at this point. It just kind of plods along with no real story or passion until Athena hits a really awesome twisting neckbreaker, which I’m hearing is called a Corkscrew Whippersnapper, from the top rope for the win.
Cewsh: For the record, I’ll be doing the show nearly entirely in Cewsh Notes format. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I’m new to being the color guy. Secondly, my thoughts will be as coherent as the matches I’ll be referring to. You’ll see.
– This production quality looks like dogshit next to Shimmer, Ring of Honor, and Blair Witch Project. 2.
– The guy operating the hand cam on this show may be the single worst thing to happen to cameras since Paris Hilton and night vision. He repeatedly goes so far as to drop the camera on the ground and will occasionally film things that he gets distracted by, like something shiny, or a completely empty ring for no reason.
– Our intrepid announce team here includes the legendary MONSTA MACK, who indy aficionados will remember as having once been tag team partners with noted pedophile Dan Maff. I wont say that the atrocities he commits on the unwilling ears of those watching this are EQUAL to child molesting, but ear molesting is an underreported crime and should be looked on sternly here.
– The other guy is a sex offender from Saved By The Bell.
– Upon the wrestlers entering, the announcers refer to Leva Bates as Layva, and then, upon finding out that Athena was trained at Booker T’s academy in Texas, spend the rest of the match trying to pin down the likelihood of seeing a Spinaroonie here.
– At the halfway point, the hand cam guy decides to stop filming the match and instead slowly closes up on the exit sign for an extended period.
– I adore Leva and Athena, but Leva has a way to come yet to really become consistently good, and Athena seems out of her element until the finish which looks great and is really a high point on this show.
61 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: As this is the 4th anniversary show, they show a flashback to Nikki Roxx winning the 2009 Uncensored Rumble. Lens flare is back, which is just awesome. The “Rumble” looks less Royal and more like Nikki gently guiding everyone over the ropes in a ring that could probably fit in my car.
In theory though, I do like the flashback idea.
Mrs.Cewsh: Niya’s entrance is that she dances and then flips into the ring and does a split. This could be cool, except her foot catches the rope and she totally botches the entrance. The crowd, which is either very small or very dead, kind of halfheartedly boos. Also, she got no ring announcing.
Nikki’s WSU music is “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” She doesn’t do her “Roxx!” thing, either. Then the announcers mock her spot on the card.
Niya is a walking botch. I mean it’s like epically bad. It’s like if Sabu and Lacey Von Erich had some sort of demon botch baby. With no depth perception. Who can’t sell.
I mean this match is bad. There’s no other word for it. Nikki knows it’s bad and she’s pissed that she has to be here. Niya doesn’t know it’s bad, because Niya is very very stupid. You would have to be, to attempt the moves she attempts, while sucking as bad as she sucks. (This does not deserve the racism directed at her by the announcers. Seriously? “Burrito, taco, nacho night, Niya?”)
Also, seriously Mat Cam Guy. Sit still for two seconds. Your cam work is like a two year old with one of those amusement park pixie sticks. And epilepsy.
Cewsh Notes Are The Greatest Thing Up To And Including Sliced Bread:
– Niya likes to dance. Her other interests include getting heckled by drunk fans and tripping over things so frequently that I think she was auditioning for the Dick Van Dyke Show.
– Ah, poor Nikki. This match is a train wreck of biblical proportions and its really not her fault. Niya is totally incapable of performing a wrestling maneuver of any kind without committing a botch of unbelievable proportions. If you believe in soul mates, I believe we’ve just found Sabu’s.
– At one point the announcers say something that caused my brain to stop the universe long enough to contemplate the enormity of its awesome stupidity. “Nikki Roxx is a bodybuilder sometimes, you know. She’s, like, 98% muscle!” Which would be much like me saying “Oh hey, did you know the Rock is made out of soap bubbles and watermelon rinds BECAUSE IT IS EQUALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE YOU FUCK.
– Its okay, though, because in the ring this is going on:
Mrs. Cewsh: Jennifer Cruz is getting booed out the building and no one knows why. She is apparently 2 and 9, so I like her odds tonight.
Now the fans are chanting, “Go ah*-way.”
Jamilia Craft is her ex-tag partner, so they’ve got a little feud going on but the announcers can’t even explain why or what happened. Instead they choose to focus on Cruz’s sweatshirt which she never bothered to take off.
And a “You can’t wrestle!” chant. Fantastic.
Except the fans are right. This really isn’t good. This is last year Jamilia, still working out the kinks, and she’s the good one here. It’s not the hilarious botchfest of the last match. It’s just slow and boring and everyone’s offense looks weak and their selling is worse.
Cewsh Notes Will Totally Call Baby, Don’t Worry About It:
– The fans chant “Go Away” at Jennifer Cruz. We’re off to a good start.
– The intrepid announcers are blatantly reading the backstory to this match off of a piece of paper. After they grow tired of this, they instead decide to talk about Jennifer Cruz’s sweater, which is fabulous interesting.
– Jamilia Craft’s finishing move is a belly to belly suplex. Jamilia, sweety, when Scott Steiner, Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar do belly to belly suplexs, it looks impressive. Something about all of their muscles and amateur experience. When you do it, it looks like you’re passive aggressively moving furniture. Have you considered trying out the Three Handled Family Credenza as your finisher? I don’t think Perry Saturn is coming back to claim it until the aliens beaming signals into his head let him go.
– After the match, fans chant “Don’t Come Back” at Jennifer Cruz. Poor Cruz. Should’ve kept the sweater on.
28 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: Deeb’s looking great, but for some crazy reason her backstage promo is lit and shot exactly like bad porno. I like her hair though. Good length for her.
Mrs. Cewsh: ↑
Glad to see the AV quality hasn’t changed since 2007.
Mrs. Cewsh: This match got a little hype screen, so we actually know who’s coming out!
Alicia is out first and I don’t want to be rude, or judge a wrestler on their looks, but she’s significantly larger than even the photo on the splash screen before the match. It’s not bad, but kind of jarring when you’re expecting one thing. Also, the announcers can’t stop talking about her boobs.
Jazz is announced as being a “two time WWE champion and ECW champion”. Unlike Alicia, who looks worse than the hype screen, Jazz actually looks better. In fact, she’s looking pretty darn good for her age.
Jazz carries Alicia through the entire match. I’m not too familiar with Alicia’s work, but I have trouble believing that she’s always been this shit. Her offense looks awful, she seems kind of lost in the ring, and she can’t keep her hands off her pants, and it’s really noticeable and distracting.
OH MY GOD, MAT CAM GUY! You really, really suck.
After the match, Alicia gets on the stick and thanks Jazz for the match. Jazz, who sounds about 147 years old, says the better woman won and then gives love to the fans. They shake hands and hug and the fans give a little “thank you Jazz” chant.
Alicia then takes the mic again and says she will be cashing in her contract tonight. She still doesn’t say which title.
Cewsh Notes Are Cooler Than The Original Side Of The Pillow:
– Here is an actual stream of thoughts from the hand cam operator during this match. “Oh man, I have to keep taping this match for how long? Fuck. Wait, match? What match THAT MAN HAS A HOT DOG. If I close up on it I can see if it looks delicious and no one will ever know. It’s the perfect crime.”
– Remember what Jazz was like back in the day, where everyone thought she was technically solid, scary and stiff, but not especially charismatic. Yep, that’s still her. She is exactly the same.
– Alicia adjusts her pants a grand total of 16 times during this match. I know we rag on people like Abyss for doing this all the time, but hey, I understand that you have to keep things looking good. Its all about image. But at a rate of more than one time a minute, you have a belt required situation on your hands.
44 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: Trucker has gossip about Tina San Antonio. She and Skin Cancer Barbie go at it, because evidentually, Trucker isn’t pulling her weight and SCB put this group together to get things done. Then everyone bickers over who’s the biggest loser and someone takes a shot at Marti Belle looking like Tupac in drag. And the gay stereotype tries to insult SCB’s hair by saying her therapist called(?)
This may be in contention for worst promo of ever.
Mrs. Cewsh: Allisyn Kay comes out to Flyleaf and she’s grumpy in fishnets and skunk hair. Then Krissy Vaine comes out carrying sparkly floggers. I DON’T KNOW WHO THE HEEL IS.
Krissy is wearing cowboy boots…
The women lock up before Allisyn takes it to the corner. Krissy bats at Allisyn’s hair, which allows her to take control. She actually looks good on offense. It’s a pretty standard running of the ropes, with a cartwheel, but at this point in the show, Kristin Astara is looking like Ricky Steamboat.
Krissy is, in fact, the face. Allisyn takes control again, allowing Krissy to make the big babyface comeback. She hits a Rock Bottom for the win.
Look, the match won’t set the world on fire. It wouldn’t even register on a better show. I’m just so happy to see two people who both want to be here do a series of moves that don’t fail on a basic level.
Cewsh: Oh hey, its that Krissy Vaine chick who was in WWE developmental with her husband and threw such a huge fit she got both of them fired. How about that? She does still have a career after all.
This match wont exactly lead you to understand why, but then, it could be much worse.
50 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: The Boston Shore are heels and I’m not really sure what they’re going for. Lexxus is actually kind of cute in a poodle way and very sparkly and Amber is wearing shredded tights and a shredded top. Are they a Jersey Shore gimmick? Are they a Boston gimmick? They don’t say anything or do anything to really tell. They come out and wait until April comes out, so they can wait some more on the outside.
April Hunter’s boobs are probably the reason she’s in the WSU Hall of Fame, but they are phenomenal.
Her usual partner, Traci Brooks, couldn’t be here tonight, so the Shore were hoping for a handicap match. “Piss off.” April says. She’s found a mystery partner. If you read my segment header, you know it’s Nikki, pulling double duty tonight. Nikki is billed from Boston, so she seems an odd choice to me. But, they were the Killer Babes, and she’s even sporting her old gear.
The match starts with Lexxus and April. Lexxus actually gets a “Let’s go Lexxus” chant, and then she and April have a fitness pose off. Lexxus takes advantage when April goes for some one handed push ups and kicks her down. Unfortunately Lexxus weighs about as much as my cat, so April takes her to the corner and tags in Nikki, who enters with a double ax handle.
Lexxus tags out, as does Nikki. Amber tags back out. Then back in. Then Nikki back in. I’m getting the Shore now, they’re very much in the Homewrecker vein. Finally, after a lot of stalling, Amber and Nikki lock up. Nikki gets a drop toe hold and a headlock. Amber fights up, but Nikki keeps a waistlock. They go to the ropes and Amber manages to get the upper hand.
Amber tags out and Lexxus comes back and locks in a Camel Clutch, turning Nikki to camera and screaming taunts at the crowd. Nikki tries to tag, but Lexxus keeps her back and another clutch. Pin attempt and tag.
Several more quick tags and Nikki finally gets her second wind and dives to the corner. April comes in with the babyface fire. Two clotheslines and a bodyslam on Amber. She goes for a Katatonic, but kind of botches it. Lexxus runs in to break up the pin, but Nikki runs in and drives her off. April locks in a headscissors, but again Lexxus breaks it up. Out of no where, Amber rolls April up and pins her with a handful of tights.
It was a pretty good match. The Boston Shore are trying to be a new Homewreckers iteration. There’s nothing wrong with that formula, though they need more personality to pull it off. Nikki did MUCH better than her first match, not that that was her fault. April was a little sloppy, but when isn’t she?
Cewsh Notes May Cure The Common Hiccup If Applied Directly To Pancreas:
– April Hunter is a Hall of Famer for WSU. Future WSU Hall of Famers also include Jackie Gayda, Nicole Bass, and that woman who bodyslammed Cory on Boy Meets World that one time.
– This is Nikki Roxx’s second match on this show, which is good, because if I had been apart of the atrocity she was a part of earlier, I’d want to find a way to apologize and make up for it too.
– The first 5 minutes of this match contain virtually no wrestling at all. Much like fat on Nikki’s body, this match is 2% wrestling and dies as a result.
– Looking down at my notes, it appears I have written the following, “The Boston Shore are good heels, but unfortunately are celery.” I have no idea what I meant by this. Are they bland and tasteless? Do I have something against celery people and resist believing that they can succeed? Would I enjoy smearing peanut butter on them? Yes, yes, and mmm.
– April Hunter may be the sloppiest, most haphazard wrestler in this match named April. In any other promotion, I wouldn’t have to qualify that.
59 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: What a strange spot on the card. This is the first match on disc two and it’s almost like another opening match. Maybe this was the first match after intermission?
Barbie is back after three and a half years out, and that should be a bigger deal. There is absolutely no fanfare, except one lone fan who shouts “You Suck!” way too loud. Skater’s outfit is actually pretty cute, which is funny because she said on Twitter that she had to borrow it from Rain. The announcers don’t know her shtick, so they’re all “What’s in her hand?” “Are those…dumbbells?” “I dunno, I can’t make it out.” and then then spend 5 minutes arguing over the weight of the dumbbells they can’t see.
This is heel/heel. Barbie may have ring rust, I don’t know if she worked elsewhere, but she’s pretty sloppy. Skater is also not the crispest. They putz around for a bit, Skater hits her finisher after taking a drink of her Roo Roids, and the end.
Cewsh: On my notes here I have written the word “Dulltown” and then I apparently began drawing a spaceship made out of kangaroos capable of interstellar flight. I’m not saying that you should base your entire knowledge of this match on the fact that this was my response to it, or that you might not feel differently. But, you know, it wouldn’t hurt to keep this reaction in mind, especially bearing in mind that I view Kellie Skater as the best thing to happen since Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper went off the air.
51 out of 100.
Mrs.Cewsh: Another splash screen, so I guess this is a big match. I know both of these women primarily for their tag teams, (Team Be Jealous and the Homewrecking Crews, respectively,) so it’s interesting to see them in a big fight singles match. Unfortunately, there’s no video package for their feud, so I have to rely on what the terrible announcers can give me. Jessicka was in Rain’s Army, turned heel, drove Amber O’Neal out of the company, and now she’s gunning for Rain herself.
Jessicka is sporting some very interesting hair, a half shirt, and tights. She’s got a good look and I can see why people have been calling for her to make some bigger appearances. She walks straight to the ring, and as she climbs between the ropes, looks directly into the camera and says, “You’re dead, Rain. You’re dead.” Rain looks fantastic, as always. The fans are into it. It’s weird to see her playing a face, though.
There’s no stalling, straight into the match. Unfortunately, I’m not really a fan of Rain. She’s pretty and has a lot of charisma in the ring, but her offense looks weak and her transitions are often non-existent. She’s fine in a tag setting, but I’m not sure her skills merit 26th best women’s wrestler in the world.
It’s just not a very interesting match, the crowd isn’t into it, although they do show love for Rain at the end. Maybe it’s Jessicka who isn’t over, or maybe it’s just not that well wrestled. Jessicka picks up the v. with a pretty unique Oklahoma Stampede into a Celtic Cross.
Cewsh Notes Are Physically Bigger Than Jesus Due To Evolutionary Gains In Height:
– Jessika Havoc is one of the women that Shimmer fans have been clamoring to get into the company for a good long time now. This’ll be my first time seeing her, and the first Rain match I’ve seen in years, so this could be interesting.
– …and with that said, the first minute of this match is so sloppy and haphazard that it would have been absolutely painful in a regular match, much less one that is dependant entirely on manufacturing a feeling of animosity between two people in a blood feud.
– After 11 years in wrestling (just a little bit less than CM Punk has had, for reference) Rain appears to have absolutely no idea what a heated wrestling match is supposed to look like, and Jessika Havoc certainly isn’t contributing any thoughts on the matter. They just float from spot to spot, forgetting to look mad or even that they’re supposed to be trying to hurt one another whenever its convenient. This is like the character equivalent of John Cena at the end of a PPV match.
– With that said, Pro Wrestling Illustrated named Rain the 26th best women’s wrestler in the world last year. Take that for what you will.
– In fairness, the match gets better as it goes on, and finish was quite nice, so maybe I’m being too hard on them. But come on people, BLOOD FEUD.
60 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: Luna takes out one of the Diva Killaz, then says something along the lines of, “You just got beaten by a grandma.” That was it. Not much of a flashback. (According to Google, while I was trying to find their names, this was a legit shoot and caused both of the Diva Killaz to quit the business. Lovely.)
Mrs. Cewsh: From the bar bathroom, Amy Lee is the Trucker, Cindy is the English teacher. Amy is wearing a Halloween mask and when they get to the ring, they do the Freebirds’ entrance. The Soul Sisters have been tagging on and off, pretty much since WSU’s inception. And poor Marti Belle is the tag champ, but has no team mate as someone “took out” Tina San Antonio.
(Tina slipped on a wet staircase the week before the show and they had to make a substitution. Also, this match was originally Uncensored Rules, [No DQ Street Fight,] then, 9 days before the show, it was announced as “Fans Bring the Weapons”, but my box says it’s still Uncensored Rules. What?)
Amy Lee spits on Marti as she walks to the ring, but Mari brushes it off and gets a mic. She calls out Amy Lee and says if it’ll stop Amy’s bullying, she’ll defend the belts alone. Amy heckles some fans while Marti climbs the stairs, but stops when the music hits. Jazz saunters down to the ring, says Marti’s not doing this on her own, and says, “It’s about the gold, and I’m going to get mine.” Marti is honored, tries to hand Jazz a belt, but Jazz says she has to earn it.
Announcers say ring the bell, but Amy gets another mic and rants for a bit, (I couldn’t catch it with the crappy in ring mics,) and ends by saying this is Uncensored Rules and she asked her fans to bring the weapons, so “Where the fuck are my weapons?” The crowd neither responds, nor gives her weapons. The bell is finally rung.
The match immediately descends into a messy brawl. Amy does get a cookie sheet and beats the Soul Sisters about with it. Cindy and Jazz go at it in the ring. I don’t know where Marti is, the camera work is awful.
Amy gets a brick from a fan. The announcers yell, “She has a brick. A BRICK.” about a hundred times.
One of the cameras appears to be covered in Vaseline and smog.
Camera guy focused on the empty ring for a solid three count, but not Latasha fucking up her ankle.
People are throwing garbage. I don’t know if they are being offered as weapons, or if this is a commentary on quality.
Amy Lee does some little bull horns and kicks Marti in the corner, before turning into the Soul Sisters who hit some weak looking offense and stuff carbs into her face.
Jazz and Cindy try to have a match, while the Soul Sisters and Marti inexplicably team up to feed Amy cake and cuff her to the guardrail. Then Jazz hits a Michinoku Driver and pins Cindy to win the Tag Team Championship.
Jazz earns 5,067,634 points for making my pain stop. Unfortunately, everyone else loses 5,067,622 points for having an enormous failure of a match. Dear God, why do you do this to your children? You truly are the angry, wrathful Lord from the Old Testament.
Cewsh Notes Make You Smell Like A Mountain Breeze In The Springtime:
– These people are all cockferrets.
– I know I’ve belabored the point on the announcing being bad, but I want to point out one specific instance of this that proves the point. Marti Belle has no partner. After saying this Jazz’s music hits. Now the announcers know its Jazz, and anyone who watches WSU probably recognizes the music. But rather than be like Jim Ross and act genuinely surprised and excited that the queen badass is coming out to support the plucky babyface, these guys choose instead to say “What’s that music? I wonder who is could beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Making it immediately clear that not only do they know who it is, they couldn’t care less. The announcers are supposed to be the voice of the viewer. If these guys are the voice of someone, I wouldn’t want to meet them.
– STOP TALKING.
– Matt Hardy’s promo school is going to get an overflow of students from this promotion.
– ITS BEEN LIKE 10 MINUTES WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?!
– This is a “Fans Bring The Weapons Match”. The weapons used are a trash can, a brick, another trash can, the lid from the first trash can, a title belt, some French fries and some random cake. The fans really outdid themselves this time.
– The is no rhyme or reason to any of this. People wander around the ring in a circle until they bump into one another. Then they hit each other with trash cans and wander off to continue their endless quest.
– One of the Soul Sisters does a handspring body splash that makes Snooki look like Jushin fucking Liger in there.
– This match had exactly one move that was not botched. ONE. There may have been more, but it was hard to tell since hand camera guy finally broke his camera and all we got was an out of focus, mega blurry perspective from that point on.
– Yegods this was putrid dogshit. I would honestly have preferred IWA:MS.
1 out of 100.
Mrs.Cewsh: Actually it’s an empty arena match, but how the hell can you tell the difference around here?
Mrs.Cewsh: Stephie is out first, and tonight is her 4th anniversary in wrestling, as well as the company’s 4th anniversary, so that’s kind of cool. Skin Cancer Barbie (Brittney Savage) comes out with her second in command, Gay Stereotype, (Rick Cataldo.)
The ref kicks Rick out of the ring area, and for the first time all night the crowd makes some noise to chant “nah nah nah na, goodbye” at him.
I love Stephie as a midcard heel and it’s weird to see her play the intense, high energy babyface. She starts with a rapid fire succession of moves and goes for an early pin. No dice, much the pity, and Brittney goes on the offense.
They have a back and forth and I’ll admit my cat jumped on my lap and I was playing with her. When I looked up, the “world’s largest rainbow,” Rick Cataldo, (oh my god, WSU, are you serious with this shit?) had come back out. Somehow a chair was in the ring and I guess the ref got bumped because everyone seemed cool with that. Then Rick goes to grab the chair, but run in! It’s Ivory! (She was inducted into the WSU Hall of Fame earlier in the evening.)
Rick’s totally starstruck and wants to shake her hand, but Ivory’s all, are you kidding me?
She grabs Rick, hits the X-Factor, (or, as the announcers called it, the Ivory Factor,) and tries to wake up the ref.
Stephie hits a neckbreaker to the knee, Ivory revives the ref just in time, and he counts the pin. Sassy Stephie is the new WSU Spirit Champion, and the ref doesn’t even seem to mind that a woman totally unrelated to the match or story is just chilling in his ring.
The match quality was about exactly the same as the Astara/Havok match, but the kookie ending’s costing it a few points. It’s midcard fluff, in theory to come down from the big tag match and it’ll do.
Post Match: Ivory puts Stephie over as the future, Stephie thanks the fans and takes a shot at Rick. Someone in the crowd tells her to go back to Ohio. Rick gets in the ring an
Cewsh Notes Are The Creamy Filling Amidst The Twinkies Of Reality:
– These people actually look like professional wrestlers, unlike just about ever non-Shimmer wrestler on this card this far. Make that 10 points to Shittindor.
– The most fully fleshed out and compelling character in this promotion is a male manager wearing a rainbow, spandex onesie. You may be able to spot how this may be an issue.
– Ivory jumps through a time portal from 1998 to see if anyone cares yet.
56 out of 100.
Mrs.Cewsh: Cut to the flashback! Like super, weirdly abruptly. I think we must be going over time, but just as they flash the little caption at the bottom, and
Mrs.Cewsh: Back to the ring! Brittney’s on her feet and roaring mad. This is the DVD. This is not a live stream. They didn’t fix this weird technical snafu before charging $20?
Anyway, Brittney’s breaking up the Cosmo Club because everyone’s a loser. She calls Rick a fat bitch and gives him a Diamond Cutter. The announcers talk about it before getting cut off by
Mrs.Cewsh: OK, really this time. Mercedes beats Angel Orsini in a 70 minute Iron Woman Match. I was supposed to have won that on DVD. /bitter.
/not bitter after seeing this show’s quality.
Mrs.Cewsh: A glimpse into the locker rooms to see the champ and her challenger warming up. Serena jumps up and down, Mercedes works out with rubber bands. Someone is shouting in the background. That’s it.
Mrs.Cewsh: The WSU belt looks like that game Simon.
Serena’s undefeated in WSU, and Mercedes has the best record with 42 wins and 8 losses. This is Mercedes 36th title defense.
This match is worth the cost of the DVD. Mercedes is nasty brutal, Deeb takes a hell of a beating and sells like a champ. For the first time, the crowd gives a fuck. When it comes time for Serena to take the upper hand, she employs some good heel mannerisms and some stiff looking shots.
Serena goes for a Spear, but Mercedes moves and guides Serena into the ring post. Again, sick shots by Mercedes.
The middle does drag a bit, with a lot of heat getting, but Mercedes mounts a big comeback and hits a top rope Bulldog and a Three Amigas, (Rolling Suplex, Brainbuster, and Falcon Arrow in quick succession). Deeb fights back with her signature jabs, but still neither woman can hit her finisher.
Mercedes gets Serena into position, but Serena counters into a roll-up. Deeb hits the Spear, but Mercedes gets the ropes. Again, they’re too evenly matched. Serena rolls out and gets scissors out from under the ring. They wrestle around with them and it’s really scary.
Then Mercedes hits a Sunset Flip that Serena kicks out of, but Mercedes capitalizes and gets the Fisherman Buster for the win.
It’s a very good match with some pacing problems. It’s lightning out of the gate, and again just before the end, but the middle drags and the scissors fight actually kind of killed the pace and made the end seem abrupt. Still, two of the best women’s wrestlers went out, had a good match with heat and crowd involvement. It’s like Christmas.
Cewsh Notes Are Indirectly Responsible For All Orgasms:
– Mercedes Martinez has made 36 defenses of this title. THRITY FUCKING SIX. That’s a totally ridiculous number when the WWE average is roughly 2.
– Wow. Actually, this is really good. Is this the same show?
– I honestly didn’t think that Serena could play such an effective heel in the ring, but she is proving me wrong in spades here. Consequently, the crowd actually wakes up from their drunken stupor long enough to be into this.
– The middle is perhaps a bit too long with Serena on offense for about a full 10 minutes, and they lose the crowd a bit, but the finish made up for it well.
– Putting this good match on this show is like putting a book of magic blowjob inducing spells in the accounting section of the library. It’s a fabulous thing, indeed, but nobody is every going to see it for themselves.
77 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: ↑
Alicia comes out to cash in her Money in the Feast or Fired on the broken down champ. She’s really pleased with herself. And she still can’t keep her hands off her fucking pants.
But Mercedes calls for the bell and chops the hell out of Alicia. She hits two out of Three Amigas.
You know what? I just saw a great women’s match and I don’t want to cover this one any more. Pretend your copy ends after Mercedes beats Deeb. It’s better for everyone.
The lights go out, Jessicka Havok is in the ring with the belt, the ref rings the bell. Havok talks shit to Alicia and asks if she remembers something. The crowd makes confused noises. Me too kittens. The show ends with Mercedes checking on Alicia, like they’re totally face BFFs.
Cewsh: So the Wardrobe Witch herself Alicia shows up, cashes in her title shot, adjusts her pants 37 times in 5 minutes, and then the lights go out and she is hit by Jessica Havok’s title. Meaning that at their biggest show of the year, the shows ends…in a DQ.
I dare WWE to try to. Stamford, Connecticut would be on fire the next day under “mysterious circumstances”.
41 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh: Guys, you don’t even understand. I was so positive. I wanted so badly for a promotion full of Shimmer’s talent and some old vets with a FUCKING PPV DEAL to be good. It’s like a knife in my heart that I spent time and money on this garbage.
Positives: Jazz was unexpectedly good. Mercedes/Serena was honestly excellent. Some of the midcarders were surprising and fresh. The flashback idea was a good concept.
Negatives: EVERY SINGLE THING ELSE
You know, Shimmer Volume 37 just came out. Lufisto’s Femme Fatales V. Chikarasaurus Rex.
I’m just saying.
Cewsh: Gather around boys and girls. I have a little story to share with you.
Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed plumbing the depths of independent wrestling with us, and thoroughly breaking Mrs. Cewsh’s optimism in life once and for all. Stay tuned next week as we bring you the next step on the road to Bound For Glory, as Kurt Angle and Sting do battle to see who can herp the derpiest derp and before the over 50 World Champion. Until then, and always, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another.