Monthly Archives: August 2011

TNA Hardcore Justice 2011

Total Nonstop Impact Wrestling Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Hardcore Justice 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review blog with a pet dinosaur, no matter what those assholes at Tyrannosaurus Flex say, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we investigate the second to last stop on the road the Bound For Glory, TNA’s Hardcore Justice 2011! Whereas the second to last stop on the road to Wrestlemania is the much anticipated Royal Rumble, here TNA takes a different approach by instead giving us a show where, grammatically at least, the justice exacted will be entirely hardcore in nature. So if you like your just hard with a well defined core (who doesn’t) then this is most certainly the show for you. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, after all, we have several titles on the line, some stable in fighting, and some other people wrestling for reasons and purposes. REASONS AND PURPOSES I SAY. What more could you want?

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Hey, were you aware that Sting is a spooky clown now who runs around laughing all the time and playing elaborate pranks on people? Because this video would like you to be extremely sure of that fact, mostly by repeatedly repeating a little ditty that Sting sang called “Eye of the Stinger” over and over again. Kurt Angle, on the other hand, seems to be treating this exactly like a normal feud with a normal guy. Its actually pretty amusing to see Sting prancing about, posing on top of lockers, organizing a clown army while Kurt stands in the ring calmly saying “Sting, I respect you.”

At any rate, that appears to be the selling point for tonight’s PPV as no other match is mentioned. Angle has to win the title because he likes goldy thingies. Sting has to win the belt to keep the last vestige of power in the company that Hogan and Bischoff don’t already possess away from them. Frankly, Angle sort of seems like a dick for trying to win this match, but hey, he’s Kurt Angle.

Segment 2 – TNA X Division Championship – Brian Kendrick © vs. Alex Shelley vs. Austin Aries.

Cewsh: The story behind this match stretches back to Austin Aries’ PPV redebut last month at Destination X. He won himself a guaranteed contract in TNA and immediately began gunning for Brian Kendrick and the X Division title. However Alex Shelley had earned himself the first shot fair and square, and when he got his title shot, Aries got himself involved and fucked it up for everyone. Now they’re caught up in this triple threat match to make everyone happy, but for Aries its more like a handicap match against the two people he’s pissed off the most in the past month. Good luck, Austin.

Who Needs Luck When You Have Fashion Sense Like This?

Okay, now with the background to this match fleshed out, let’s go ahead and cover something else of vital importance. What the fuck is going on with Brian Kendrick? See, his entire gimmick is set around being unqiue, odd, and different, as such he had semi-normal attire and came out to some enthusiastic but quite one of a kind violin playing. It was quirky and very much him, while still having the up tempo quality that makes a good wrestling theme. That was good times, right?

Tonight he comes out like this:

That is the most bizarrely uncool and down tempo wrestling theme in the history of time, space and Rico Constantino. It sounds like the kind of music you would hear in the elevator on your way up to the world’s most boring falafel shop. Add that to his new attire which features some flowly capris (which actually do make him look like less of a 12 year old boy) with a rather large napkin tucked carefully into the brim. This probably has some kind of cross cultural significance, and if so fair enough. Why the whitest white boy ever to white out some white bread would be doing that is a bit of a mystery in any case. But hey, QUIRKY.

These guys go ahead and have themselves a fine match, with Alex Shelley and Brian Kendrick teaming up to eliminate Austin Aries from the equation whenever possible, and Aries acting like the world biggest dickpaste whenever he can get a move in edgewise. Ultimately, Shelley and Kendrick abandon this and in the end its Kendrick pinning Shelley for the win, which I assume will lead to Aries saying “hey, he never beat me” and the train will keep rolling on and on.

Works for me.

P.S. Mike Tenay and Tazz are once again our intrepid announce team, continuing their reign atop the world as the single worst announce team of any kind that has ever existed.

“Bullshit. We’re At Least Better Than Myself And Schiavone.”

77 out of 100.

Vice: I’m going to be mixing things up for this review. Mostly because this show was such a 180 from TNA’s last PPV that my mind is beyond boggled. But hey, it’s back to business as usual once the X-division goes back to being the backbone of quality instead of the driving force. So basically, I’m just going to be listing the pros and cons of the matches, and at the end I will be providing a YouTube video to watch– something to either watch instead of the match, or to watch in addition to the match. I’ve tried justifying why each video goes with each match to an extent, but what it really comes down to is FUCK YOU. It doesn’t matter why the video is that video. I post a video, you watch the video. That’s how this reviewing goes.

Pros:

– Austin Aries is god.
– Hot finish.
– Great way to kick off show.

Cons:

– It’s all downhill from here.

Here, The Three Attempt To Form Crusierweight Voltron To Fight Against This Show.

Additional viewing:

This 10 second clip is just pure magic, and it’s nice and short enough that you can go out and find the match to download, and watch it for yourself with all that energy you still have.

Brian Kendrick Over Everyone Else Following The Sliced Bread Number 2.

Segment 3 – The Greatest Champions Who Have Ever Lived.

Cewsh: Ric Flair.
Buddy Rogers.
Lou Thesz.
Bruno Sammartino.
Fabulous Moohlah.
Manami Toyota.
Miss Tessmacher.

A natural fit.

Backstage Miss Tessmacher and Tara are getting ready for their Knockouts Tag Team title defense, and Miss Tessmacher has some words to say. First she admits to intentionally maiming Sarita and is proud of it, then Tara claims that they are real champions and that she would like to fight a puppet. Then she stops mid sentence and they wander off. Which, really, is just fine by me.

Segment 4 – TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – Dat Associates (Tara and Miss Tessmacher) © vs. El Peor Equipo (Sarita and Rosita).

Cewsh: The gist of this epic storyline is that Sarita and Rosita had the titles, Tessmacher and Tara won the titles and now Sarita and Rosita would really like the titles back. Everybody still with me after that kind of incredible complexity? Okay, good.

The bigger story here than the match itself is that all of the participants here are goddamn RIDICULOUS. First out are Rosita and Sarita, who are already saddled with the totally insane Mexican America gimmick that makes zero sense and appears to be comprised of whatever Hispanic people were milling around the catering table when the booking team got the idea. That’s bad enough. But now, thanks to a scary incident in Mexico where Sarita nearly had a complete stroke, part of Sarita’s face is (temporarily) paralyzed. Rather than stay home and actually heal up from this debilitating injury, she has instead donned a flashy facemask that makes her look like the world’s most flamboyant clown bank robber.

“Give Me All The Money And Pineapples And Nobody Gets Pied.”

Rosita, for her part, continues to look like a woman who lost a bet and had to become a professional wrestler as a result.

Then out come our proud champions, on their one motorcycle that they drive 10 feet and then get off of.

Forget Limos. Unsafely Hanging On The Back Of A Motorcycle Is The Ride Of A Champion.

Now Miss Tessmacher is an amazingly, amazingly attractive woman. Distractingly so. And in all honesty she appears to be working very hard to dispel the image of a pretty face who has no business wrestling. I want to give her credit. I’m dying to give her the chance she’s working for. But her tag team partner is a 145 year old woman who insists on being called “Power Hot” and wears less clothes than Miss Tessmacher. As a result, this team seems terribly, awfully thrown together and generally just awful altogether.

Also, can we start calling her Brooke Tessmacher or something?

The match, such as it was, began with Hernandez and Aristotle being banned from ringside, and with Miss Tessmacher firing up on the two heels admirably. In fact, every single second of this match features Miss Tessmacher trying her ass off like she thinks she’s in a match that has a hope of actually turning out to be good. As a result the segments with her and Sarita together are actually quite good. I’ll get behind any face who shows some fire and Sarita is a capable heel. And then of course the majority of the match is spent with Tara and Rosita making a case for their careers to be classified as war crimes. This continues until Tara hits the Widow’s Peak (since she’s the only woman in the match who actually has a finishing move) and Dat Associates continue to stand on top of the heap as the top female tag team in North America, and perhaps the world.

Meanwhile Portia Perez and Nicole Matthews can’t even get work as jobbers. This world of ours.

57 out of 100.

Vice:
Pros:

– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt
– Ms. Tessmacher’s butt

Cons:

– Pretty much everything that does not have to do with Ms. Tessmacher’s butt.

Alternative viewing:

This match may as well have been a commercial break. And if you’re going to watch commercials, you may as well watch this batch of glorious Old Spice commercials featuring Terry Crews. I’ve been using Old Spice for nearly a decade and had no plans to switch, but their commercials over the past year or so have cemented my love for their products. Also, this may or may not be product placement.

Cewsh: Feel free to pay us, Old Spice.

Dat Associates Over El Peor Equipo Following the Widow’s Peak From Tara To Rosita.

Segment 5 – D’Angelo Dinero Finds Texting More Interesting Than That Last Match.
These Birds Sure Are Angry.

Cewsh: Me too, Pope. Me too.

Segment 6 – Bound For Glory Series Match – D’Angelo Dinero vs. Devon.

Cewsh: Okay, now here’s something to sink your teeth into. Now if you’ve been watching Impact recently and taking things at face value, you may have noticed that recently Pope has been getting friendly with Devon’s kids (last seen get pulverized into mush by Bully Ray in the most emotional match of the year). You may also have seen Devon being totally not okay with this and rebuffing Pope’s every attempt to make nice with him. On the surface this may simply be a face not trusting a newly turned face after the heelish actions he’s committed recently. But like many of the best storylines, there’s something much bigger and deeper lurking beneath the surface. See, I don’t claim to be any true archiver of the African American sensibility and community structure. Its not my place. But what has been clear over the past several years is a disconnect between younger men idolizing rappers and the like, and a very strong contingent of African American parents that are just not okay with this at all, wanting more than that for their children. It’s a serious social and cultural issue, and whether intentionally or not, TNA has stumbled right into it here, as Dinero represents clearly the kind of street hustler that is so attractive to young men, and who fathers like Devon are desperate to keep their sons away from. This is made even more complex by Dinero’s desperate wish to be a good role model and to make good with Devon, as Devon feels like he must rebuff and mistrust Dinero at every turn, lest he lose his sons. He’s fighting a war for his son’s future that Dinero doesn’t understand, and that his kids can’t help but resent. All of this results in a big ol’ gumbo of resentfulness and emotions, with Dinero desperate to make things right, and Devon desperate to resist accepting it.

In other words, shit is DEEP.

Both men come out to start, and Dinero makes very clear right off the bat that all he wants to do is help out Devon to improve their relationship, so he lays down in the middle of the ring to let Devon win the points. Devon wants no part of that bullshit, though, and slaps the shit out of Dinero, demanding he stand up and face him like a man. When Dinero finally goes along and fights back, we get ourselves a fast paced and intense match, with Dinero’s youth and athleticism pitted against Devon’s experience and power. Ultimately, Dinero gets the jump on Devon and rolls him up clean for the victory. Afterwards Devon seems torn between respect for Dinero and contempt, and he contemplates a handshake while his kids cheer him on.

He tells Dinero to go fuck himself before looking at his kids and see their disappointed and let down faces. Finally he turns back and shakes Dinero’s hands, to show that even though he doesn’t trust the man, he can respect him, and maybe, just maybe, Dinero might not be the worst role model after all.

As a match this was fun, but short. As a storyline, this is probably the best thing that nobody is talking about going on anywhere in wrestling, as these two men grapple, however unknowingly, for the soul of Devon’s kids. This marks the second time in one year that Devon has carried a truly deep and emotional feud as a babyface that blows away anything else that TNA has to offer, leading me to honestly wonder what in the hell took everyone so long in giving him this opportunity. For all the praise that Bully Ray is (rightfully) getting, don’t let his ex partner get lost in the shuffle. Nobody is bringing emotion into his wrestling half as well as Devon right now.

Testify.

76 out of 100.

Vice:
Pros:

– Fairly good storyline advancement.
– Enjoyable post-match handshake.
– Pope on PPV.

Cons:

– Match was quite boring.

Alternative viewing:

(Skip the first 30 seconds, as it is an advertisement. )

Simply put, Rogan vs. THE ICE is a far more entertaining affair. And only being like a minute and a half long, it saves you quite a bit of time.

D’Angelo Dinero Over Devon Following A Backslide.

Segment 7 – Rob Van Dam Brought A Hacky Sack To Work.

Cewsh: Rumors that it came free with the purchase of a garbage bag full of weed remain unconfirmed.

Jeremy Borash: “Rob, Do You Even Know Where You Are Right Now?”
Rob Van Dam: “Duh, Jeremy. Earth.”

Anyhow, Robbie V is backstage talking about his upcoming Bound For Glory Series match against the undefeated Crimson. He’s confident that he’ll be the first one to topple the ginger giant and is just about done saying so when Jerry Lynn randomly shows up out of nowhere and informs his ex-nemesis that he’ll be in the Van Dam corner for the match. Rob goes along with it because, hey, he’s a pretty laid back guy, and they leave together. Hmm, I wonder what Lynn’s intentions could be…

  
Segment 8 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Mickie James © vs. Winter w/ Angelina Love.

Cewsh: Oh match, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways.

1. Mickie James is in it.

Actually, yeah, that pretty much says it.

Here’s the thing. This match is essentially about a woman with magical powers and her brainwashed sex slave attempting to win a championship from a pseudo lesbian cowgirl. The opportunities for this to turn into some kind of odd, gimmicky porn would seem to be high, except that we’re supposed to be taking this seriously, which I find it absolutely impossible to do. The match is comprised heavily of Mickie James beating the everloving fuck out of a woman with MAGICAL POWERS, with most of the moves involved involving planting Winter’s face directly into her vag, which sounds awesome but really isn’t. Then Angelina sneaks in and hits Mickie with her finisher, the mysteriously titled “Break Up, Bitch”. Winter goes for the pin but NO, Mickie won’t let us off the hook that easily. Mickie beats them both up, and goes to take advantage of this when suddenly Winter pops up and spits what is either some chewed up food or the single lamest example of red mist in wrestling history into Mickie’s face.

Its..Uh…INVISIBLE Mist.

Somehow this results in Mickie not only falling down, but staying down for the three count, because apparently being blind also turns you into a fucking turtle unable to get off of your back. Winter and Angelina celebrate their title win as the announcers speculate that what was spit into Mickie’s face is obviously something that burns horribly and is totally incapacitating, which is odd since Winter had it IN HER FUCKING MOUTH. But then again, magic, you know? Why not.

I’ve said in prior months they seem to being trying to top themselves month after month in a daring attempt to make me combust with rage. At this rate, if I live out the year it will be something to write a holy text about.

49 out of 100.

Vice:

Pros:

– Winter, ironically, is extremely hot.
– Winter has awesome entrance music.
– MIST.

The World’s Most Unsatisfying Money Shot.

– Winter wins the title.
– Winter.

Cons:

– Mickie James is unbelievably horrible.
– We’re practically guaranteed to see Mickie go after, and win, the title again.
– Mickie James.


Alternative viewing:

Pop that on, go throw something in the microwave, smoke a cigarette, poop, whatever.

Winter Over Mickie James Following The Magic Pepper Mist.

Segment 9 – Xtreme Promoing.

Cewsh: First of all, allow me to point out that despite the fact that Mickie James was just blinded and is writhing in horrible pain inside of the ring while screaming, they don’t bother to dwell on this for more than 0.15 seconds before sending to the back and never mentioning it again for the rest of the show. Heartless bastards.

Secondly, for anyone who ever wondered whether of not TNA had a drug testing policy, I fucking dare you to watch this video and not come to the conclusion that Brian Kendrick is high in it. I seriously dare you.

Also, Austin Aries is awesome.

Segment 10 – Bound For Glory Series Match – Crimson vs. Rob Van Dam w/ Jerry Lynn.

Cewsh: Before we get to the match, let’s take a look at those BFG Series Standings.

Poor Joe.

Okay, so Crimson is number one and Van Dam is number two. Remember that the top four people in the series all get entered into a fatal fourway match to determine the man who gets the title shot in the main event of Bound for Glory. Which is cool, even though they should go ahead and call it the Bound for Crimson Series, because this whole thing was never anything but a vehicle to get him over, but I digress.

The thing about Rob Van Dam is that given the right opponent, he can be tremendously entertaining. He’s still walking Gumby and especially against bigger, stronger guys, he still has the speed and flexibility to be a great underdog. Crimson, for his part, is coming along as a wrestling, but his skill set is ideal to toss Van Dam around a bit and then take all of Van Dam’s signature offense. So this is a fun little match that trucks right along until RVD walks right into the Red Sky, which nobody has yet come close to kicking out of. The ref counts 1…2…and suddenly Jerry Lynn bursts into the ring and nails Crimson. This stops Crimson from winning and gaining 7 BFG Series points, but, naturally, it also costs Van Dam a whopping 10 points for being disqualified. A totally baffled Rob demands to know why the fuck Lynn did that while Lynn vehemently states that he had no idea and wouldn’t have otherwise.

So what we have is a storyline disqualification to start something between Van Dam and Lynn. That sounds good, but it really hurt the ending of this match in the confusion. Which is a shame, because until that moment, it was a really positive match for both men. Oh well.

73 out of 100.

Vice:

Pros:

– Crimson is neat.
– RVD wasn’t awful.

Cons:

– Jerry Lynn’s involvement leading to a stupid finish.


Alternative viewing:

When you think of Crimson, you should think of a monster. Well, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t watch an Alien trailer and have your jaw drop at how fucking brilliant it all is.

Crimson over Rob Van Dam Following A Disqualification.

Segment 11 – Ken Anderson, Asshole, Etc, Etc.

Cewsh: I’ll be honest with you. These Anderson promos are all starting to run together. Goofy voices, unrelated stories, the word “asshole”, lots of random profanity, uncomfortable touching of Jeremy Borash, and a totally nonsensical ending that fails to wrap up anything else he said.

But on the plus side, he made farting sounds this time.

Creative Genius.
Segment 12 – Fortune (Kazarian, AJ Styles, Daniels) vs. Immortal (Scott Steiner, Abyss, Gunner).

Cewsh: I cannot relate fully in words what a waste of everyone in this match this was.

This never ending feud continued here with its very most uninspired entry. I’m not sure this feud will EVER end so long as there are exactly 2 main event factions in TNA. But, as you may have come to expect, AJ Styles spent this entire match raising himself above the humdrum circumstances he was handed. When this guy finally retires, he doesn’t need a watch, he needs a plaque commemorating his sacrifice in working here.

And For Moves Like The SUPER PELE.

68 out of 100.


Vice:

Pros:

– All of Fortune, especially with awesome matching attire.
– Steiner, Gunner.
– Fairly good match, all things considered.

Cons:

– Could have been a hell of a lot better.

Additional viewing:

Great video, great song. Everyone should watch and love it.

Fortune Over Immortal Following A Super Pele Kick From Styles To Abyss.
Segment 13 – Street Fight – Ken Anderson vs. Bully Ray.


Cewsh: This little ditty of a feud got started when Bully Ray and company first talked Ken Anderson into joining Immortal awhile ago. They promised to make him the new chosen one (since their other chosen one might well start doing time should his judge ever bother to actually judge or something). After this, things were going great until Immortal started to fall on hard times, and then Anderson’s cocky aloofness and penchant for unpredictability stopped being such desirable personality traits. Bully Ray especially took exception to this whole deal, and the two started sniping at one another more and more as the weeks went by. Finally things came to a head and they got themselves a match to settle things and maybe make Immortal run a little smoother.

This match starts hopefully, as Ray sneaks up behind Anderson during his entrance, and Anderson, without missing a beat, stops mid sentence to say “I know he’s behind me” and proceeds to spin around and punch Bully Ray 700,000 times. Then they actually get in the ring, and this match just sort of…drifts. Ray does his usual great heel routine and get the crowd fired up against him, and he’s on point with everything he does, but trouble shows up when you realize that Anderson is not actually a face. He’s a heel, and the fans don’t want to cheer him because he isn’t sympathetic. So Anderson tries to toe the line between underdog babyface and cocky heel and winds up somewhere in the limbo in between. Add that to the fact that Anderson just does not seem on his game at all, at one point straight up dropping Ray right on his head after being unable to successfully complete his Rolling Samoan Drop.

Aaaaaaaaaand FAT.

They brawl some more and brawl some more and more some brawl until the end of the match comes and then its over.

Generally, there’s a reason why heel vs. heel matches don’t happen. This match is the reason. Not only is it just really not possible to get the right kind of reaction (which is, I guess, is them both being booed hugely at the same time), but it does wrestlers who may need a little protecting no favors as they have to work twice as hard to get a reaction. TNA ignored tradition here, and get exactly what they deserve for doing so.

69 out of 100.

Vice:

Pros:

– “Yeah, I know he’s behind me…..*BLAP SWISH ZOOP KAPLOW*.. ANDERSON!”
– Bully Ray continues being amazing.
– Amusing finish.

Cons:

– Anderson has become rather underwhelming.
– Crowd didn’t give a fuck.

Alternative viewing:

Because why the fuck not. It’s just good bullying.

Bully Ray Over Ken Anderson Following Low Blollup.

Segment 14 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Beer Money Inc © vs. Mexican America.

Cewsh: Oh goody. We get this now.

To start things off, the entirety of Mexican America comes to the ring, and Achy Breaky gets on the microphone and proceeds to cut a promo while looking and sounding EXACTLY like a roided up Chavo Guerrero with tattoos. The resemblance is so striking that it manages to draw the eye away from the baffling horror of Sarita’s face mask/inefficient jock strap.

Behold The Wonders Of The Gallery of Freaks.

Then Beer Money shows up and the match starts and…

No. You know what? No.

This match fucking sucked. It wasn’t Beer Money’s fault, since they’re up against a guy who needs carrying more than Yoda in the Empire Strikes Back and another guy who I’m not sure even actually is a wrestler and not the guy who brought the food to the catering table during the aforementioned talent recruiting. It sucked, and it was dull, and it ended, and then on Impact Mexican America win the fucking tag team titles. Look, TNA. I understand that you may want to break up Beer Money. Go for it. I understand that you want to push a new tag team. I’m hugely in support of that. You may even want to push a fresh new stable full of racism and sunglasses. Fair enough. But Mexican America are not over. Nobody cares about them. Not one single thing they have ever done has been met with the slightest bit of interest by their fanbase, which are a group of people who cheer the RING ANNOUNCERS in this promotion. Despite this, they are now tag team champions. Meaning that, of the various champions in this company, exactly two (Sting and Brian Kendrick) actually get a significant response from the crowd while a whopping three (Dat Associates, Winter, Mexican America) get none whatsoever and were all jobbers before their improbable title runs. What this reveals about TNA’s booking philosophy is both simple and terrifying.

They don’t fucking care.

They book these things out long in advance and don’t bother to deviate from a path when something isn’t getting over and simply isn’t working. They just keep plugging away with it until it comes to the end of their pre-existing storyline, at which point the people involved are shelved until a new idea shows up, also unconnected to reality.

It’s working out just great for them thus far. Why change, right?

50 out of 100.

Vice:

Pros:

– Beer Money retains.
– Anarquia didn’t injure anybody from what I could see.

Cons:

– Mexican America.
– Pretty much everything other than Beer Money.

Alternative viewing:

One of the funniest scenes in any movie for me. Cato is a phenomenal character and the scene is just so well scripted in an absurd way. Love it. No need to watch the match. Watch this.

Beer Money Inc Over Mexican America Following Something.
 
Segment 15 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting © vs. Kurt Angle.
Vice:

Pros:

– It’s always good to see Angle actually have a match.
– Some cool psychology, reversals and counters.
– Kurt Angle wins the gold.

Cons:

– In the past few weeks, Sting has shown more personality/character outside the ring than he has in a decade, but he wrestled this match exactly like he would have earlier, showing no real signs of his new crazy character.
– Hulk Hogan.
– Eyebrow-raising finish/aftermath.

Alternative viewing:

If you want a big fucking main event, that’s what you should watch. It has 20 times the awesomeness in 1/5 of the time. Win.

Cewsh: I’m still fuming from the last segment so I’m going to skip right to the end here. Sting and Angle are dropping bombs on one another, using each other finishers, and generally having a top knot to do. All of a sudden, Hulk Hogan shows up with a steel chair. Now remember, Hulk Hogan hates Sting and will do anything to fuck him out of the title after all of the games Sting has been playing. That is his one and only goal, get the title off of Sting so that Immortal can run TNA. Angle intercepts and grabs the chair away from Hogan, having made it clear that he respects Sting too much to win that way and wants nothing to do with Immortal. However much to the surprise of no one with a functioning brain, he clobbers Sting himself, hits an Angle Slam and wins the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Hulk Hogan, who has just effectively accomplished his one and only goal for tonight, proceeds to scowl at Kurt like the man just nailed Brooke and asked Hulk to clean it up. Kurt then rubs it in Hogan’s face, and the show goes off the air with Hogan steaming and pissed off with Kurt smirking.

Maybe He Just Heard His Daughter’s Music For The First Time.

Did I miss something here? Why on earth would Hogan be upset about this turn of events? By bringing down a chair to assault Sting, the very best possible scenario that could have resulted in had to have been Angle winning the title. Any other option would result in Sting retaining, and the title out of Hogan’s reach yet again. Yet his plan worked like a charm, and he looks like someone shit in his cereal. So either I’m missing some nuance here or Hulk Hogan did not understand his own fucking plan.

And I don’t know which one makes me sadder.

75 out of 100.

Kurt Angle over Sting Following An Angle Slam.

————————————–

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I am so beyond tired of TNA offering a shred of hope with a great show and then just savagely wrenching it away and laughing while you try to figure out what happened. Fool me once, shame on them. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 700 times, I’m pretty sure shame is back to you TNA. For shame.

Also, If You Are This Person, You Have Made At Least 3 Critical Mistakes In Dressing Yourself.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 66 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this show was pretty goddamn boring. Coming off the heels of their last show (TNA’s best show ever and the highest rated Cewsh Reviews ever), there was no way they were going to outdo themselves or even come close to it, but fucking hell. This show might be a lot better watching it a second time, but I don’t dare attempt such a thing. This was boring, uneventful and plodding. Welcome back, TNA.

Vice’s Final Score: 62 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the bitter, acrid taste of utterly disappointment. I mean, we’re talking “your kid grows up to be a stripper” level deflating here, and with nothing to look forward to on the TNA horizon but continuations of the same nonsense that was so painful here. WOOOO. Luckily for us, we have some more exciting projects on the horizon, namely WWE Summerslam 2011 coming up later this very week and after that the exciting (for totally different reasons) Juggalo Championship Wrestling show from the Gathering of the Juggalos recently. And then right up against that we’ll be launching ourselves right on into the Panda Puro Party. Add that to Kyle’s ever continuing weekly reviews and Cewsh Reviews is going at such low prices so often that you can call us CRAZY CEWSH’S RIDICULOUS REVIEWS. Or not. Its all good. At any rate, remember to keep reading, and, as always, be good to one another.

WSU 4th Anniversary Show

Women Superstars Uncensored Proudly Presents…

WSU 4th Anniversary Show

Hello ducklings and welcome to a very exciting review. As has become tradition, if Mrs. Cewsh is hosting, we must be watching women beat the hell out of each other. Tonight is no exception, as we depart from the safe, comforting shores of Shimmer to sail across the country to Cewsh’s favorite state, New Jersey!

Women Superstars Uncensored, or WSU, is Shimmer’s main competition in the US. This show marks their 4th anniversary, so they’re sure to pull out all the stops. They’ll be some familiar faces, some new, and even some we wish we’d forgotten. What are Uncensored rules? Who announces for this place? Who gave Jazz a run in 2011? No, seriously, we don’t know. You’ll have to read along and find out with us.

So without further ado, let’s do a review!

Segment 1 – Opening Video Fever!

Mrs.Cewsh: Comparisons to Shimmer are inevitable as both companies are solely women wrestlers, both American indies, and both about the same age. Shimmer’s beating the pants off WSU in terms of DVD presentation. Shimmer has high quality DVD cases with professionally printed covers and disc labels. WSU’s box is flimsy, the cover is printed off an inkjet printer and doesn’t fit in the plastic right, and the DVD is a plain burned disk labeled “1”. Disk 2 is not labeled at all.

HOWEVER, WSU does in fact HAVE an opening video, something Shimmer does not. That doesn’t make it the most high quality of videos, but it is nice to have some backstory.

Mercedes Martinez is the WSU champion. Serena Deeb, fresh out of WWE, has shown up to challenge for the belt. In another staggering difference from Shimmer, Deeb is a heel, hacking a big chunk of Mercedes’ hair off.

On the other hand, Alica won a contract to challenge for any belt in the company. It could be Mercedes’, it could be the Spirit title. She’s not saying.

The video looks straight out of 1998 with bad transitions and a weird lens flare right in the middle of the screen through the entire video. I will say, that the camera work and audio quality look fine, so I won’t complain if it’s a little dark and grainy.

Segment 2 – Athena vs. Leva Bates.

Mrs. Cewsh: There’s a little audio kerfuffle, but it’s quickly sorted out while the ring announcer chats at the crowd about the hall of fame ceremony that went before the show. The ring announcer’s name is Destiny. She’s no Joey Eastman.

While they are rivals with Shimmer, they’re friendly enough to use each others talent liberally. This is good, because everyone loves Leva. Except the announcers who don’t know her name and can’t tell her apart from Athena.

Speaking of, Athena is out first, and the set is actually pretty nice. Then the camera guy drops the camera trying to turn around.

Leva comes out as “from Stark Tower.” I’m going to marry that woman some day. She’s in her Iron Leva gear again.

Iron Maiden.

Again, there are camera issues with her entrance.

The match isn’t the best. Both women are enjoyable in the ring, but Leva especially could use a vet to guide her at this point. It just kind of plods along with no real story or passion until Athena hits a really awesome twisting neckbreaker, which I’m hearing is called a Corkscrew Whippersnapper, from the top rope for the win.

How Uncommonly Awesome.
52 out of 100

Cewsh: For the record, I’ll be doing the show nearly entirely in Cewsh Notes format. This is for two reasons. Firstly, I’m new to being the color guy. Secondly, my thoughts will be as coherent as the matches I’ll be referring to. You’ll see.

Cewsh Notes:

– This production quality looks like dogshit next to Shimmer, Ring of Honor, and Blair Witch Project. 2.

– The guy operating the hand cam on this show may be the single worst thing to happen to cameras since Paris Hilton and night vision. He repeatedly goes so far as to drop the camera on the ground and will occasionally film things that he gets distracted by, like something shiny, or a completely empty ring for no reason.

– Our intrepid announce team here includes the legendary MONSTA MACK, who indy aficionados will remember as having once been tag team partners with noted pedophile Dan Maff. I wont say that the atrocities he commits on the unwilling ears of those watching this are EQUAL to child molesting, but ear molesting is an underreported crime and should be looked on sternly here.

– The other guy is a sex offender from Saved By The Bell.

Yep.

– Upon the wrestlers entering, the announcers refer to Leva Bates as Layva, and then, upon finding out that Athena was trained at Booker T’s academy in Texas, spend the rest of the match trying to pin down the likelihood of seeing a Spinaroonie here.

– At the halfway point, the hand cam guy decides to stop filming the match and instead slowly closes up on the exit sign for an extended period.

– I adore Leva and Athena, but Leva has a way to come yet to really become consistently good, and Athena seems out of her element until the finish which looks great and is really a high point on this show.

61 out of 100.

Athena Over Leva Bates Following A Corkscrew Whippersnapper.

Segment 3 – Who Knows vs. Who Cares?! (WSU Flashback).

Mrs. Cewsh: As this is the 4th anniversary show, they show a flashback to Nikki Roxx winning the 2009 Uncensored Rumble. Lens flare is back, which is just awesome. The “Rumble” looks less Royal and more like Nikki gently guiding everyone over the ropes in a ring that could probably fit in my car.

In theory though, I do like the flashback idea.


Segment 4 – Niya vs. Nikki Roxx.

Mrs.Cewsh: Niya’s entrance is that she dances and then flips into the ring and does a split. This could be cool, except her foot catches the rope and she totally botches the entrance. The crowd, which is either very small or very dead, kind of halfheartedly boos. Also, she got no ring announcing.

Woooo! Its Some Chick!

Nikki’s WSU music is “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” She doesn’t do her “Roxx!” thing, either. Then the announcers mock her spot on the card.

Niya is a walking botch. I mean it’s like epically bad. It’s like if Sabu and Lacey Von Erich had some sort of demon botch baby. With no depth perception. Who can’t sell.

I mean this match is bad. There’s no other word for it. Nikki knows it’s bad and she’s pissed that she has to be here. Niya doesn’t know it’s bad, because Niya is very very stupid. You would have to be, to attempt the moves she attempts, while sucking as bad as she sucks. (This does not deserve the racism directed at her by the announcers. Seriously? “Burrito, taco, nacho night, Niya?”)

Also, seriously Mat Cam Guy. Sit still for two seconds. Your cam work is like a two year old with one of those amusement park pixie sticks. And epilepsy.

21 out of 100

Cewsh Notes Are The Greatest Thing Up To And Including Sliced Bread:

– Niya likes to dance. Her other interests include getting heckled by drunk fans and tripping over things so frequently that I think she was auditioning for the Dick Van Dyke Show.

– Ah, poor Nikki. This match is a train wreck of biblical proportions and its really not her fault. Niya is totally incapable of performing a wrestling maneuver of any kind without committing a botch of unbelievable proportions. If you believe in soul mates, I believe we’ve just found Sabu’s.

– At one point the announcers say something that caused my brain to stop the universe long enough to contemplate the enormity of its awesome stupidity. “Nikki Roxx is a bodybuilder sometimes, you know. She’s, like, 98% muscle!” Which would be much like me saying “Oh hey, did you know the Rock is made out of soap bubbles and watermelon rinds BECAUSE IT IS EQUALLY FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE YOU FUCK.

– Its okay, though, because in the ring this is going on:

Pfffffffft.

– AWESOME.

19 out of 100.
Nikki Roxx Over Niya Following The Barbie Crusher.

Segement 5 – Someone Who Doesn’t Get Ring Announcing vs. ????.

Mrs. Cewsh: Jennifer Cruz is getting booed out the building and no one knows why. She is apparently 2 and 9, so I like her odds tonight.

Now the fans are chanting, “Go ah*-way.”

Jamilia Craft is her ex-tag partner, so they’ve got a little feud going on but the announcers can’t even explain why or what happened. Instead they choose to focus on Cruz’s sweatshirt which she never bothered to take off.

And a “You can’t wrestle!” chant. Fantastic.

Except the fans are right. This really isn’t good. This is last year Jamilia, still working out the kinks, and she’s the good one here. It’s not the hilarious botchfest of the last match. It’s just slow and boring and everyone’s offense looks weak and their selling is worse.

41 out of 100

Cewsh Notes Will Totally Call Baby, Don’t Worry About It:

– The fans chant “Go Away” at Jennifer Cruz. We’re off to a good start.

– The intrepid announcers are blatantly reading the backstory to this match off of a piece of paper. After they grow tired of this, they instead decide to talk about Jennifer Cruz’s sweater, which is fabulous interesting.

– Jamilia Craft’s finishing move is a belly to belly suplex. Jamilia, sweety, when Scott Steiner, Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar do belly to belly suplexs, it looks impressive. Something about all of their muscles and amateur experience. When you do it, it looks like you’re passive aggressively moving furniture. Have you considered trying out the Three Handled Family Credenza as your finisher? I don’t think Perry Saturn is coming back to claim it until the aliens beaming signals into his head let him go.

– After the match, fans chant “Don’t Come Back” at Jennifer Cruz. Poor Cruz. Should’ve kept the sweater on.

28 out of 100.

Jamilia Craft Over Jennifer Cruz Following A Belly To Belly Suplex.

Segment 5 – Serena Deeb is a Softcore Porn Star.

Mrs. Cewsh: Deeb’s looking great, but for some crazy reason her backstage promo is lit and shot exactly like bad porno. I like her hair though. Good length for her.


Segment 6 – WSU Flashback – Alicia Beats Luna Vachon And Some Others(?) To Become First WSU Champion.

Mrs. Cewsh: ↑

Glad to see the AV quality hasn’t changed since 2007.

Segment 7 – Jazz vs. Alicia.

Mrs. Cewsh: This match got a little hype screen, so we actually know who’s coming out!

Alicia is out first and I don’t want to be rude, or judge a wrestler on their looks, but she’s significantly larger than even the photo on the splash screen before the match. It’s not bad, but kind of jarring when you’re expecting one thing. Also, the announcers can’t stop talking about her boobs.

Jazz is announced as being a “two time WWE champion and ECW champion”. Unlike Alicia, who looks worse than the hype screen, Jazz actually looks better. In fact, she’s looking pretty darn good for her age.

Jazz carries Alicia through the entire match. I’m not too familiar with Alicia’s work, but I have trouble believing that she’s always been this shit. Her offense looks awful, she seems kind of lost in the ring, and she can’t keep her hands off her pants, and it’s really noticeable and distracting.

OH MY GOD, MAT CAM GUY! You really, really suck.

After the match, Alicia gets on the stick and thanks Jazz for the match. Jazz, who sounds about 147 years old, says the better woman won and then gives love to the fans. They shake hands and hug and the fans give a little “thank you Jazz” chant.

Alicia then takes the mic again and says she will be cashing in her contract tonight. She still doesn’t say which title.

60 out of 100

Cewsh Notes Are Cooler Than The Original Side Of The Pillow:

– Here is an actual stream of thoughts from the hand cam operator during this match. “Oh man, I have to keep taping this match for how long? Fuck. Wait, match? What match THAT MAN HAS A HOT DOG. If I close up on it I can see if it looks delicious and no one will ever know. It’s the perfect crime.”

– Remember what Jazz was like back in the day, where everyone thought she was technically solid, scary and stiff, but not especially charismatic. Yep, that’s still her. She is exactly the same.

– Alicia adjusts her pants a grand total of 16 times during this match. I know we rag on people like Abyss for doing this all the time, but hey, I understand that you have to keep things looking good. Its all about image. But at a rate of more than one time a minute, you have a belt required situation on your hands.

44 out of 100.

Alicia Over Jazz Following A Big Boot In The Corner.

Segment 8 – So A Gay Stereotype, Skin Cancer Barbie, An English Teacher Wearing A Leather Jacket, And A Middle-Age Trucker Are Standing In A Bar Bathroom.

Mrs. Cewsh: Trucker has gossip about Tina San Antonio. She and Skin Cancer Barbie go at it, because evidentually, Trucker isn’t pulling her weight and SCB put this group together to get things done. Then everyone bickers over who’s the biggest loser and someone takes a shot at Marti Belle looking like Tupac in drag. And the gay stereotype tries to insult SCB’s hair by saying her therapist called(?)

This Is Like The White Trash Justice League.

This may be in contention for worst promo of ever.


 Segment 9 – Allisyn Kay vs. Kristin Astara.

Mrs. Cewsh: Allisyn Kay comes out to Flyleaf and she’s grumpy in fishnets and skunk hair. Then Krissy Vaine comes out carrying sparkly floggers. I DON’T KNOW WHO THE HEEL IS.

Krissy is wearing cowboy boots…

The women lock up before Allisyn takes it to the corner. Krissy bats at Allisyn’s hair, which allows her to take control. She actually looks good on offense. It’s a pretty standard running of the ropes, with a cartwheel, but at this point in the show, Kristin Astara is looking like Ricky Steamboat.

Krissy is, in fact, the face. Allisyn takes control again, allowing Krissy to make the big babyface comeback. She hits a Rock Bottom for the win.

Look, the match won’t set the world on fire. It wouldn’t even register on a better show. I’m just so happy to see two people who both want to be here do a series of moves that don’t fail on a basic level.

61 out of 100

Cewsh: Oh hey, its that Krissy Vaine chick who was in WWE developmental with her husband and threw such a huge fit she got both of them fired. How about that? She does still have a career after all.

This match wont exactly lead you to understand why, but then, it could be much worse.

50 out of 100.

Kristin Astara Over Allysin Kay Following A Rock Bottom.

Segment 10 – The Boston Shore (Amber and Lexxus) vs. April Hunter and Nikki Roxx.

Mrs. Cewsh: The Boston Shore are heels and I’m not really sure what they’re going for. Lexxus is actually kind of cute in a poodle way and very sparkly and Amber is wearing shredded tights and a shredded top. Are they a Jersey Shore gimmick? Are they a Boston gimmick? They don’t say anything or do anything to really tell. They come out and wait until April comes out, so they can wait some more on the outside.

April Hunter’s boobs are probably the reason she’s in the WSU Hall of Fame, but they are phenomenal.

Those Stomach Muscles Are Freaking Me Out, Though.

Her usual partner, Traci Brooks, couldn’t be here tonight, so the Shore were hoping for a handicap match. “Piss off.” April says. She’s found a mystery partner. If you read my segment header, you know it’s Nikki, pulling double duty tonight. Nikki is billed from Boston, so she seems an odd choice to me. But, they were the Killer Babes, and she’s even sporting her old gear.

The match starts with Lexxus and April. Lexxus actually gets a “Let’s go Lexxus” chant, and then she and April have a fitness pose off. Lexxus takes advantage when April goes for some one handed push ups and kicks her down. Unfortunately Lexxus weighs about as much as my cat, so April takes her to the corner and tags in Nikki, who enters with a double ax handle.

Lexxus tags out, as does Nikki. Amber tags back out. Then back in. Then Nikki back in. I’m getting the Shore now, they’re very much in the Homewrecker vein. Finally, after a lot of stalling, Amber and Nikki lock up. Nikki gets a drop toe hold and a headlock. Amber fights up, but Nikki keeps a waistlock. They go to the ropes and Amber manages to get the upper hand.

Amber tags out and Lexxus comes back and locks in a Camel Clutch, turning Nikki to camera and screaming taunts at the crowd. Nikki tries to tag, but Lexxus keeps her back and another clutch. Pin attempt and tag.

Several more quick tags and Nikki finally gets her second wind and dives to the corner. April comes in with the babyface fire. Two clotheslines and a bodyslam on Amber. She goes for a Katatonic, but kind of botches it. Lexxus runs in to break up the pin, but Nikki runs in and drives her off. April locks in a headscissors, but again Lexxus breaks it up. Out of no where, Amber rolls April up and pins her with a handful of tights.

It was a pretty good match. The Boston Shore are trying to be a new Homewreckers iteration. There’s nothing wrong with that formula, though they need more personality to pull it off. Nikki did MUCH better than her first match, not that that was her fault. April was a little sloppy, but when isn’t she?

63 out of 100

Cewsh Notes May Cure The Common Hiccup If Applied Directly To Pancreas:

– April Hunter is a Hall of Famer for WSU. Future WSU Hall of Famers also include Jackie Gayda, Nicole Bass, and that woman who bodyslammed Cory on Boy Meets World that one time.

– This is Nikki Roxx’s second match on this show, which is good, because if I had been apart of the atrocity she was a part of earlier, I’d want to find a way to apologize and make up for it too.

– The first 5 minutes of this match contain virtually no wrestling at all. Much like fat on Nikki’s body, this match is 2% wrestling and dies as a result.

– Looking down at my notes, it appears I have written the following, “The Boston Shore are good heels, but unfortunately are celery.” I have no idea what I meant by this. Are they bland and tasteless? Do I have something against celery people and resist believing that they can succeed? Would I enjoy smearing peanut butter on them? Yes, yes, and mmm.

– April Hunter may be the sloppiest, most haphazard wrestler in this match named April. In any other promotion, I wouldn’t have to qualify that.

59 out of 100.

The Boston Shore Over Roxx and Hunter Following Amber Rolling Up April Hunter.

Segment 11 – Barbie vs. Kellie Skater.

Mrs. Cewsh: What a strange spot on the card. This is the first match on disc two and it’s almost like another opening match. Maybe this was the first match after intermission?

Barbie is back after three and a half years out, and that should be a bigger deal. There is absolutely no fanfare, except one lone fan who shouts “You Suck!” way too loud. Skater’s outfit is actually pretty cute, which is funny because she said on Twitter that she had to borrow it from Rain. The announcers don’t know her shtick, so they’re all “What’s in her hand?” “Are those…dumbbells?” “I dunno, I can’t make it out.” and then then spend 5 minutes arguing over the weight of the dumbbells they can’t see.

This is heel/heel. Barbie may have ring rust, I don’t know if she worked elsewhere, but she’s pretty sloppy. Skater is also not the crispest. They putz around for a bit, Skater hits her finisher after taking a drink of her Roo Roids, and the end.

55 out of 100

Cewsh: On my notes here I have written the word “Dulltown” and then I apparently began drawing a spaceship made out of kangaroos capable of interstellar flight. I’m not saying that you should base your entire knowledge of this match on the fact that this was my response to it, or that you might not feel differently. But, you know, it wouldn’t hurt to keep this reaction in mind, especially bearing in mind that I view Kellie Skater as the best thing to happen since Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper went off the air.

51 out of 100.

Segment 12 – Jessicka Havok vs. Rain.

Mrs.Cewsh: Another splash screen, so I guess this is a big match. I know both of these women primarily for their tag teams, (Team Be Jealous and the Homewrecking Crews, respectively,) so it’s interesting to see them in a big fight singles match. Unfortunately, there’s no video package for their feud, so I have to rely on what the terrible announcers can give me. Jessicka was in Rain’s Army, turned heel, drove Amber O’Neal out of the company, and now she’s gunning for Rain herself.

Jessicka is sporting some very interesting hair, a half shirt, and tights. She’s got a good look and I can see why people have been calling for her to make some bigger appearances. She walks straight to the ring, and as she climbs between the ropes, looks directly into the camera and says, “You’re dead, Rain. You’re dead.” Rain looks fantastic, as always. The fans are into it. It’s weird to see her playing a face, though.

There’s no stalling, straight into the match. Unfortunately, I’m not really a fan of Rain. She’s pretty and has a lot of charisma in the ring, but her offense looks weak and her transitions are often non-existent. She’s fine in a tag setting, but I’m not sure her skills merit 26th best women’s wrestler in the world.

It’s just not a very interesting match, the crowd isn’t into it, although they do show love for Rain at the end. Maybe it’s Jessicka who isn’t over, or maybe it’s just not that well wrestled. Jessicka picks up the v. with a pretty unique Oklahoma Stampede into a Celtic Cross.

57 out of 100

Cewsh Notes Are Physically Bigger Than Jesus Due To Evolutionary Gains In Height:

– Jessika Havoc is one of the women that Shimmer fans have been clamoring to get into the company for a good long time now. This’ll be my first time seeing her, and the first Rain match I’ve seen in years, so this could be interesting.

– …and with that said, the first minute of this match is so sloppy and haphazard that it would have been absolutely painful in a regular match, much less one that is dependant entirely on manufacturing a feeling of animosity between two people in a blood feud.

– After 11 years in wrestling (just a little bit less than CM Punk has had, for reference) Rain appears to have absolutely no idea what a heated wrestling match is supposed to look like, and Jessika Havoc certainly isn’t contributing any thoughts on the matter. They just float from spot to spot, forgetting to look mad or even that they’re supposed to be trying to hurt one another whenever its convenient. This is like the character equivalent of John Cena at the end of a PPV match.

– With that said, Pro Wrestling Illustrated named Rain the 26th best women’s wrestler in the world last year. Take that for what you will.

– In fairness, the match gets better as it goes on, and finish was quite nice, so maybe I’m being too hard on them. But come on people, BLOOD FEUD.

60 out of 100.

Jessika Havoc Over Rain Following An Oklahoma Stampede Into a Celtic Cross.

Segment 13 – WSU Flashback – Luna Vachon Kills The Diva Killaz (Kayla Sparks and Miss Deville, According To Google).

Mrs. Cewsh: Luna takes out one of the Diva Killaz, then says something along the lines of, “You just got beaten by a grandma.” That was it. Not much of a flashback. (According to Google, while I was trying to find their names, this was a legit shoot and caused both of the Diva Killaz to quit the business. Lovely.)


Segment 14 – WSU Tag Team Championship – Uncensored Rules – The Cosmo Club (Amy Lee and Cindy Rogers) vs. The Soul Sistas (Jana and Latasha) vs. Marti Belle (c) and ????.

Mrs. Cewsh: From the bar bathroom, Amy Lee is the Trucker, Cindy is the English teacher. Amy is wearing a Halloween mask and when they get to the ring, they do the Freebirds’ entrance. The Soul Sisters have been tagging on and off, pretty much since WSU’s inception. And poor Marti Belle is the tag champ, but has no team mate as someone “took out” Tina San Antonio.

(Tina slipped on a wet staircase the week before the show and they had to make a substitution. Also, this match was originally Uncensored Rules, [No DQ Street Fight,] then, 9 days before the show, it was announced as “Fans Bring the Weapons”, but my box says it’s still Uncensored Rules. What?)

Amy Lee spits on Marti as she walks to the ring, but Mari brushes it off and gets a mic. She calls out Amy Lee and says if it’ll stop Amy’s bullying, she’ll defend the belts alone. Amy heckles some fans while Marti climbs the stairs, but stops when the music hits. Jazz saunters down to the ring, says Marti’s not doing this on her own, and says, “It’s about the gold, and I’m going to get mine.” Marti is honored, tries to hand Jazz a belt, but Jazz says she has to earn it.

Announcers say ring the bell, but Amy gets another mic and rants for a bit, (I couldn’t catch it with the crappy in ring mics,) and ends by saying this is Uncensored Rules and she asked her fans to bring the weapons, so “Where the fuck are my weapons?” The crowd neither responds, nor gives her weapons. The bell is finally rung.

The match immediately descends into a messy brawl. Amy does get a cookie sheet and beats the Soul Sisters about with it. Cindy and Jazz go at it in the ring. I don’t know where Marti is, the camera work is awful.

Amy gets a brick from a fan. The announcers yell, “She has a brick. A BRICK.” about a hundred times.

One of the cameras appears to be covered in Vaseline and smog.

Camera guy focused on the empty ring for a solid three count, but not Latasha fucking up her ankle.

People are throwing garbage. I don’t know if they are being offered as weapons, or if this is a commentary on quality.

Amy Lee does some little bull horns and kicks Marti in the corner, before turning into the Soul Sisters who hit some weak looking offense and stuff carbs into her face.

Jazz and Cindy try to have a match, while the Soul Sisters and Marti inexplicably team up to feed Amy cake and cuff her to the guardrail. Then Jazz hits a Michinoku Driver and pins Cindy to win the Tag Team Championship.

Jazz earns 5,067,634 points for making my pain stop. Unfortunately, everyone else loses 5,067,622 points for having an enormous failure of a match. Dear God, why do you do this to your children? You truly are the angry, wrathful Lord from the Old Testament.

12 out of 100

Cewsh Notes Make You Smell Like A Mountain Breeze In The Springtime:

– These people are all cockferrets.

– I know I’ve belabored the point on the announcing being bad, but I want to point out one specific instance of this that proves the point. Marti Belle has no partner. After saying this Jazz’s music hits. Now the announcers know its Jazz, and anyone who watches WSU probably recognizes the music. But rather than be like Jim Ross and act genuinely surprised and excited that the queen badass is coming out to support the plucky babyface, these guys choose instead to say “What’s that music? I wonder who is could beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” Making it immediately clear that not only do they know who it is, they couldn’t care less. The announcers are supposed to be the voice of the viewer. If these guys are the voice of someone, I wouldn’t want to meet them.

– STOP TALKING.

– Matt Hardy’s promo school is going to get an overflow of students from this promotion.

– ITS BEEN LIKE 10 MINUTES WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING?!

– This is a “Fans Bring The Weapons Match”. The weapons used are a trash can, a brick, another trash can, the lid from the first trash can, a title belt, some French fries and some random cake. The fans really outdid themselves this time.

– The is no rhyme or reason to any of this. People wander around the ring in a circle until they bump into one another. Then they hit each other with trash cans and wander off to continue their endless quest.

– One of the Soul Sisters does a handspring body splash that makes Snooki look like Jushin fucking Liger in there.

– This match had exactly one move that was not botched. ONE. There may have been more, but it was hard to tell since hand camera guy finally broke his camera and all we got was an out of focus, mega blurry perspective from that point on.

Blurry Cake Is The Best Cake.

– Yegods this was putrid dogshit. I would honestly have preferred IWA:MS.

1 out of 100.

Marti Belle and Jazz Over Everyone Else Following Jazz Summoning A Swarm Of Locusts Upon Their First Born Children.

Segment 15 – WSU Flashback – Brittney Savage Beats Alicia On A Normal Night.

Mrs.Cewsh: Actually it’s an empty arena match, but how the hell can you tell the difference around here?

 
Segment 16 – WSU Spirit Championship – Sassy Stephie vs. Brittney Savage (c).

Mrs.Cewsh: Stephie is out first, and tonight is her 4th anniversary in wrestling, as well as the company’s 4th anniversary, so that’s kind of cool. Skin Cancer Barbie (Brittney Savage) comes out with her second in command, Gay Stereotype, (Rick Cataldo.)

Guess Which is Which.

The ref kicks Rick out of the ring area, and for the first time all night the crowd makes some noise to chant “nah nah nah na, goodbye” at him.

I love Stephie as a midcard heel and it’s weird to see her play the intense, high energy babyface. She starts with a rapid fire succession of moves and goes for an early pin. No dice, much the pity, and Brittney goes on the offense.

They have a back and forth and I’ll admit my cat jumped on my lap and I was playing with her. When I looked up, the “world’s largest rainbow,” Rick Cataldo, (oh my god, WSU, are you serious with this shit?) had come back out. Somehow a chair was in the ring and I guess the ref got bumped because everyone seemed cool with that. Then Rick goes to grab the chair, but run in! It’s Ivory! (She was inducted into the WSU Hall of Fame earlier in the evening.)

Rick’s totally starstruck and wants to shake her hand, but Ivory’s all, are you kidding me?

This Seems Unlikely To End Well.

She grabs Rick, hits the X-Factor, (or, as the announcers called it, the Ivory Factor,) and tries to wake up the ref.

Stephie hits a neckbreaker to the knee, Ivory revives the ref just in time, and he counts the pin. Sassy Stephie is the new WSU Spirit Champion, and the ref doesn’t even seem to mind that a woman totally unrelated to the match or story is just chilling in his ring.

The match quality was about exactly the same as the Astara/Havok match, but the kookie ending’s costing it a few points. It’s midcard fluff, in theory to come down from the big tag match and it’ll do.

60 out of 100

Post Match: Ivory puts Stephie over as the future, Stephie thanks the fans and takes a shot at Rick. Someone in the crowd tells her to go back to Ohio. Rick gets in the ring an

Cewsh Notes Are The Creamy Filling Amidst The Twinkies Of Reality:

– These people actually look like professional wrestlers, unlike just about ever non-Shimmer wrestler on this card this far. Make that 10 points to Shittindor.

– The most fully fleshed out and compelling character in this promotion is a male manager wearing a rainbow, spandex onesie. You may be able to spot how this may be an issue.

– Ivory jumps through a time portal from 1998 to see if anyone cares yet.

– Nope.

56 out of 100.

Sassy Stephanie Over Brittney Savage Following Sheananigans.

Segment 17 – WSU Flashback – Mercedes Is The Ironwoma

Mrs.Cewsh: Cut to the flashback! Like super, weirdly abruptly. I think we must be going over time, but just as they flash the little caption at the bottom, and

Segement 16 – Again?

Mrs.Cewsh: Back to the ring! Brittney’s on her feet and roaring mad. This is the DVD. This is not a live stream. They didn’t fix this weird technical snafu before charging $20?

Anyway, Brittney’s breaking up the Cosmo Club because everyone’s a loser. She calls Rick a fat bitch and gives him a Diamond Cutter. The announcers talk about it before getting cut off by

Segment 17 – Redux!

Mrs.Cewsh: OK, really this time. Mercedes beats Angel Orsini in a 70 minute Iron Woman Match. I was supposed to have won that on DVD. /bitter.

/not bitter after seeing this show’s quality.

Segment 18 – Serena Deeb’s Boobs Bounce.

Mrs.Cewsh: A glimpse into the locker rooms to see the champ and her challenger warming up. Serena jumps up and down, Mercedes works out with rubber bands. Someone is shouting in the background. That’s it.

  
Segment 19 – WSU Women’s Championship – Serena vs. Mercedes Martinez (c).

Mrs.Cewsh: The WSU belt looks like that game Simon.

Which Is Slightly More Prestigious Than A Title That Looks Like Bop It.

Serena’s undefeated in WSU, and Mercedes has the best record with 42 wins and 8 losses. This is Mercedes 36th title defense.

This match is worth the cost of the DVD. Mercedes is nasty brutal, Deeb takes a hell of a beating and sells like a champ. For the first time, the crowd gives a fuck. When it comes time for Serena to take the upper hand, she employs some good heel mannerisms and some stiff looking shots.

Serena goes for a Spear, but Mercedes moves and guides Serena into the ring post. Again, sick shots by Mercedes.

The middle does drag a bit, with a lot of heat getting, but Mercedes mounts a big comeback and hits a top rope Bulldog and a Three Amigas, (Rolling Suplex, Brainbuster, and Falcon Arrow in quick succession). Deeb fights back with her signature jabs, but still neither woman can hit her finisher.

Mercedes gets Serena into position, but Serena counters into a roll-up. Deeb hits the Spear, but Mercedes gets the ropes. Again, they’re too evenly matched. Serena rolls out and gets scissors out from under the ring. They wrestle around with them and it’s really scary.

Then Mercedes hits a Sunset Flip that Serena kicks out of, but Mercedes capitalizes and gets the Fisherman Buster for the win.

It’s a very good match with some pacing problems. It’s lightning out of the gate, and again just before the end, but the middle drags and the scissors fight actually kind of killed the pace and made the end seem abrupt. Still, two of the best women’s wrestlers went out, had a good match with heat and crowd involvement. It’s like Christmas.

83 out of 100

Cewsh Notes Are Indirectly Responsible For All Orgasms:

– Mercedes Martinez has made 36 defenses of this title. THRITY FUCKING SIX. That’s a totally ridiculous number when the WWE average is roughly 2.

– Wow. Actually, this is really good. Is this the same show?

– I honestly didn’t think that Serena could play such an effective heel in the ring, but she is proving me wrong in spades here. Consequently, the crowd actually wakes up from their drunken stupor long enough to be into this.

– The middle is perhaps a bit too long with Serena on offense for about a full 10 minutes, and they lose the crowd a bit, but the finish made up for it well.

– Putting this good match on this show is like putting a book of magic blowjob inducing spells in the accounting section of the library. It’s a fabulous thing, indeed, but nobody is every going to see it for themselves.

77 out of 100.

Mercedes Martinez Over Serena Deeb Following The Fisherman’s Buster.
Segment 20 – And Then Alicia Comes Out.


Mrs. Cewsh: ↑

Alicia comes out to cash in her Money in the Feast or Fired on the broken down champ. She’s really pleased with herself. And she still can’t keep her hands off her fucking pants.

But Mercedes calls for the bell and chops the hell out of Alicia. She hits two out of Three Amigas.

You know what? I just saw a great women’s match and I don’t want to cover this one any more. Pretend your copy ends after Mercedes beats Deeb. It’s better for everyone.

The lights go out, Jessicka Havok is in the ring with the belt, the ref rings the bell. Havok talks shit to Alicia and asks if she remembers something. The crowd makes confused noises. Me too kittens. The show ends with Mercedes checking on Alicia, like they’re totally face BFFs.

1 out of 100

Cewsh: So the Wardrobe Witch herself Alicia shows up, cashes in her title shot, adjusts her pants 37 times in 5 minutes, and then the lights go out and she is hit by Jessica Havok’s title. Meaning that at their biggest show of the year, the shows ends…in a DQ.

I dare WWE to try to. Stamford, Connecticut would be on fire the next day under “mysterious circumstances”.

41 out of 100.

Alicia Over Mercedes Martinez Following A Disqualification

.

———————————————-

Mrs. Cewsh’s Marchioness:

Mrs. Cewsh: Guys, you don’t even understand. I was so positive. I wanted so badly for a promotion full of Shimmer’s talent and some old vets with a FUCKING PPV DEAL to be good. It’s like a knife in my heart that I spent time and money on this garbage.

Positives: Jazz was unexpectedly good. Mercedes/Serena was honestly excellent. Some of the midcarders were surprising and fresh. The flashback idea was a good concept.

Negatives: EVERY SINGLE THING ELSE

You know, Shimmer Volume 37 just came out. Lufisto’s Femme Fatales V. Chikarasaurus Rex.
I’m just saying.

Mrs. Cewsh’s Final Score: 51.33 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Gather around boys and girls. I have a little story to share with you.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 46 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed plumbing the depths of independent wrestling with us, and thoroughly breaking Mrs. Cewsh’s optimism in life once and for all. Stay tuned next week as we bring you the next step on the road to Bound For Glory, as Kurt Angle and Sting do battle to see who can herp the derpiest derp and before the over 50 World Champion. Until then, and always, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another.