Monthly Archives: July 2011

WWE Money in the Bank 2011

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Money in the Bank 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the review blog that learned everything they know about wrestling from 2XL, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, and for once we mean it, as we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of the most intriguing wrestling storyline in recent memory. CM Punk has held the imagination of the collective internet wrestling community hostage for the past month after his incredible promo on Raw where he buried the company and threatened to take the title and leave simply because he can. Weeks of hype and confusion followed and here and now we’ll find out what happens when this all comes to a head in Punk’s hometown of Chicago, on his very last night as a WWE employee, here at WWE Money in the Bank 2011. Will Punk truly be able to beat John Cena and take the WWE title hostage? Will this just be another “Cena pulls out the improbable win” sort of occasion? What the hell will the Money in the Bank winners do? Only one way to find out, boys and girls.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Tick tock. Tick tock. Its funny how the seconds slip by and when you look up, everything has changed.

As the minutes ticked down to the end of Monday Night Raw on the night of June 17th, 2011, R-Truth and John Cena grappled in the ring, continuing their somewhat newfound feud in a tables match. Things proceeded as they do until CM Punk ran down to the ring and helped R-Truth win. This was surprising, but CM Punk was far from done. As John Cena lay crumpled amongst shards of broken table, CM Punk took a microphone, sat down on the stage in his Stone Cold Steve Austin t-shirt, and proceeded to rip apart World Wrestling Entertainment to its very foundations. He spoke about how he had been passed over for more marketable stars like John Cena, as had his friends like Colt Cabana. He spoke about how WWE had become a corrupt institution of ass kissers who didn’t appreciate real talent in the face of guys children might cheer for. But mostly, he spoke directly to Vince McMahon, suggesting that not only had he lost his grip on his company and reality, but that his company would be better off if he just keeled over and died already. And finally, Punk made clear that when he met John Cena in their scheduled title match at Money in the Bank, it was his intention to win the title and leave WWE with it, taking it wherever he pleased, simply to watch WWE burn. From that moment, the countdown to that fateful meeting began.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

On Raw the next week, John Cena insisted that Vince McMahon allow the match to go on, asserting quite rightly that it was what the fans wanted to see, and that if he didn’t meet this crisis head on as the WWE Champion, it would undermine the title and the champion in irreparable ways. Vince angrily agreed, but told John Cena that if he should lose the title to CM Punk, and should Punk get away with it, then Cena would be fired for failing his company. Now the stakes were set, and the time grew nearer with every passing second.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

As a last ditch effort to not have all of his eggs in John Cena’s brightly colored basket, Vince attempted to negotiate with Punk, to give him everything that he asked for, from his face on the turnbuckles, to the return of WWE Ice Cream Bars. But Punk never had any intention of doing business with Vince McMahon, and after goading John Cena into getting physical, it was all the impetus he needed to declare that he WOULD be taking the title and leaving and there wasn’t a damn thing that any of them could do about it.

And now we’re here.

This video brilliantly captured all of this, making CM Punk rightfully look like the most dangerous man in wrestling any time he touches a microphone, and alongside it, making use of the very effective ticking clock device that I have been shamelessly aping here. We have been counting down the weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds to this match ever since CM Punk exploded awesomeness all over all of our faces, and with only a few hours standing between us and the most important match result in modern times, the anticipation is at a fever pitch. Can CM Punk do it? Will he get away with it if he wins? Will John Cena be fired? What does McMahon have up his sleeve? What the fuckshit fuckbricks is going to happen?!

Tick tock, dearies. Tick tock.


Segment 2 – Smackdown Money in the Bank Contract – Ladder Match – Sin Cara vs. Wade Barrett vs. Justin Gabriel vs. Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Heath Slater vs. Kane

Cewsh: Welcome to yet another installment of the legendary Cewsh Notes: Money in the Bank edition. Note. There is no validity to the rumor that Cewsh Notes, when read backwards will lead you to buried treasure (probably).

– Sheamus comes out to the biggest babyface reaction of any of these guys. Pushing a big, tough badass who the fans respect and like as a face would be pretty much be exactly what the doctor ordered these days. So say hello to a future Superstars main eventer!

– Slater and Gabriel were, until recently, teammates. So a lot of this match revolves around them teaming up and then turning on one another. In an interesting extension of this, at one point Barrett attempts to reform the Corre in the ring and convince them to let him win. They let him get halfway up the ladder before they beat him into oblivion, because they’re just hard like that.

– Sin Cara is fantastic in this match. The spottiness of it, and the other guys involved really allows him to shine, as he is brilliant at executing high flying spots that look great, but don’t require a huge amount of transition or storytelling. Matches like this really may be the perfect showcase for the man as he learns the new style. By the middle of the match, the crowd was going batshit for him as he fired up and gestured to the briefcase.

Wheeeeeee!

– Did I say that they cheered Sin Cara? Because after Sheamus powerbombs Sin Cara THROUGH a ladder off the apron, the crowd comes completely unglued for the Irishman and puts everything else to shame.

KABOOM.

(Cewsh Note: Also, this is how they storyline wrote off Sin Cara after he failed a Wellness Test.)

– Kane and Sheamus giving Daniel Bryan the Doomsday Device was an awesome surprise. It was naaaaasty.

– DANIEL BRYAN DRAGONSAAAAAAAAAAN!

What The Hell Is Going On Around Here?!

These matches are such a great way to open a wrestling show. They have no real story or flow, so they don’t step on the toes of anything after them, and everyone clearly understands the gimmick and the actions of the wrestlers in relation to it. As a result, this match is a ton of fucking fun and gets you fired up for the show.

It isn’t a match so much as a collection of ladder related spots, so the score can’t be too high, but come on. Do you really need anyone to tell you that a ladder match where DANIEL FUCKING BRYAN wins is worth checking out?

 
80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

 Daniel Bryan Over Everyone Else Following Retrieval of the Item.

Segment 3 – WWE Divas Championship – Kelly Kelly © w/ Eve vs. Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella

Cewsh: Alright let’s get into this backstory. See, the Bella Twins are super mean and Kelly Kelly took issue with this and got a title match. She won and this is the rematch.

Is…is that the whole story? Yes? Well fair enough, let’s move on.

Now, at first glance, this match doesn’t appear to be anything particularly special. We’re all pretty accustomed to zoning out during Divas matches, and neither Brie nor Kelly has ever been accused of being a wrestler so skilled so as to set the soul aflame. But what is here is a solid Divas match, where Kelly keeps the crowd interested, and winds up looking pretty good as the plucky and firey babyface. It may have helped more if the announcers had been paying attention or had even recognized her finisher (which she has done repeatedly for months now) when she did it, but it the abyss of badness that is the Divas division these days, beggers can’t be choosers.

Give this match, and these women, a chance sometime while scrolling through to other things. It wont blow your doors off, but there’s something here.

65 out of 100

MichaelC Notes: Shortest match of the night. Just as well.

Kelly is the 3rd best active diva on the roster. This is exceptionally damning of the women’s roster.

She Does Look Damn Good With The Thing, Though.

Kelly Kelly Over Brie Bella Following the K2.
Segment 4 – Mark Henry vs. The Big Show

Cewsh: The build to this match is fucking awesome.

During his feud with Alberto Del Rio, the Big Show was out of his mind with frustration. Mark Henry tried to get into a ring that Big Show was in, and Show promptly clubbed him half to death before knocking him out with one punch, humiliating the man, and lighting a fire under him that nobody could have expected. Show was all apologies the next week, feeling sorrowful that Mark Henry was in the wrong place at the wrong time, but Mark wasn’t interested in his apologies. In the weeks to come, Mark waged war against Show at every opportunity, doing everything from slamming him right through an announce table, to ripping the door off of a cage and using it to ram Show so hard that the wall of the cage broke off of its hinges. Mark Henry has had a beast awoken inside of him, and Show, who has had more than his fair share of embarrassments and frustrations lately, is more than happy to stand in his way and rumble.

Slobberknocker time.

These two behemoths get into the ring, and immediately Richter Scale technicians begin to have themselves an interesting day. Big Show actually takes advantage of the fact that he is the more agile of the two men, as he quite surprisingly flies through the air with first a huge shoulder block off the ropes, and then another one off the second rope, a strategy that totally staggers Henry for awhile. Eventually, though, the Silverback shakes off the daze and begins attacking Show’s right knee, at one point getting him in a half Boston Crab and damn near trying to pull Show’s leg out of its socket. Show tries to rally, but now he’s got a bad wheel, and he can’t hold Henry off properly. Two effortless World’s Strongest Slams and a huge 747 Splash later and Henry has left Show in ruins. But that isn’t going to be enough. Oh no, not tonight.

Henry strolls over to ringside and grabs a chair, and without even the slightest hint of hesitation, Henry wraps the chair around Show’s right foot and proceeds to Vader Bomb the fucking beejesus out of it, dropping with a ton of force, and obliterating the unfortunate foot of the World’s Largest Athlete.

Splat.

Henry stalks off, his anger neither quenched nor sated, and Show is assisted to the back to rousing chants of “CM Punk” from an impatient crowd.

This was booked about as well as it was possible to be booked. Henry came into this looking like an angry man with something to prove. He came out of it looking like an unstoppable monster with no heart or conscience who can and will destroy you for chewing your gum too loud. Theoretically, Show gets some time off out of this, which is all to the good as the man has been working his ass off, and its going to be extremely interesting to see where Henry goes from here. Wherever it is, though, if he looks this badass when he gets there, the fans will follow.

77 out of 100

MichaelC Notes:

– In the wild, you get epic hippo battles as they jump into each other. No, never seen one either, but I can’t help but think they are exactly like Big Show vs Mark Henry.

– Gorilla Monsoon wouldn’t have called this “Unstoppable Force vs Immovable Object”, as none of the big man in his day bounced around this much. Except for Gorilla himself. And Bam Bam. And One Man Gang. And Bundy. And Brody. And…. never mind.

– Many people have performed the Single leg Boston Crab, but no one has performed it quite like Mark Henry.

– Mark Henry has been around for 15 years, which is 14 years and 11 months longer than just about everyone in the wrestling world expected him to last. He is also on the roll of his career apparently, says Michael Cole, who doesn’t remember 2006 at all then.

– Stretcher jobs. Ah. Remember when Big Show beat up Rey, Rey was put on a min-stretcher – because he is so tiny – and then Big Show smashed it against the ring post? Good times.

Mark Henry Over The Big Show Following A 747 Splash.

Segment 5 – Johnny Ace…

Cewsh: …has a face so incredibly punchable, that if you were somehow able to harness the power of the world’s combined desire to see him punched in it, you would be able to power a car from here to the Orion fucking Nebula.

But I digress.

Vince McMahon is backstage with some flunkies, and Josh Matthews comes in to ask him if he managed to sign CM Punk to a contract before his match tonight.

They Were Busy Auditioning Their Capella Group.

Vince reluctantly admits that he hasn’t and furiously rants about what an ingrate Punk is, and about how Punk rejected what was essentially the most lucrative contract ever offered to anyone in WWE history. Then his ire shifts to John Cena, for putting him in this situation in the first place , and he makes it clear that if CM Punk manages to somehow win tonight, then Cena is well and truly fucked beyond belief. Then he turns back to resume not firing John Laurenitis FOR SOME FUCKING REASON THAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.


Segment 6 – Raw Money in the Bank Contract – Ladder Match – Alberto Del Rio vs. Alex Riley vs. The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio vs. R-Truth vs. Evan Bourne vs. Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston

Cewsh: Cewsh Notes! Not to be confused with Cewsh Totes, our line of signature handbags for only the most stylish of hamsters.

– Everybody brings a ladder into the ring. My speculation is that they’re going to measure them, and then whoever has the biggest gets to win the case. My money is on Bourne.

– Immediately, everybody just smushes Alberto Del Rio and then promptly throw all of their ladders on top of him outside the ring in an awesome display of dickishness.

– Evan Bourne doing Air Bourne off of impractical places could be a sitcom, as far as I’m concerned. I would watch every week.

That’s Our Evan! *laugh track*

– Miz takes a nasty fall and appears to seriously injure his knee. Thus far there have been nearly as many stretchers as ladders involved on the show tonight. Later, he comes running/limping/doing the sprinkler down to the ring to try to win the match again, only to be immediately stop and bounced out of the ring, poor guy.

– After a ton of craziness, it comes down to Del Rio and Mysterio battling on top of the ladder. Mysterio gets the upper hand, but out of nowhere, Del Rio reaches out and snatches Mysterio’s mask off of his head, causing Mysterio to have to cover up to keep from being seen. Unfortunately, Mysterio falls to a new ladder, which knocks over the ladder Del Rio was on, derailing the finish a bit, but Del Rio recovers splendidly, climbs the ladder and becomes your Raw Briefcase Carrier, as was his destiny.

With The Glare, It Looks Like He Just Won A Box Of Honey Yams.

– My destiny involves a sandwich.

– Turkey, to be precise.

Just like the other Money in the Bank match, this thing was thoroughly fun without containing anything that you might mistake for substance. This one had maybe more cool moments, while the other one was more consistent all the way through, but ultimately, it about evens out in the end. Fun is fun, and these matches always know how to party.

 
80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval

Alberto Del Rio Over Everyone Else Following Retrieval of the Item.

Segment 7 – DESTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINY.

“Your Honor I Don’t Think The Defendant’s CASE Holds Water.”

Cewsh: You may be aware that it is Alberto Del Rio’s destiny is to win the WWE title. But are you aware of what else his destiny may hold? I took the liberty of tracking down an online fortune teller to give us more insight into his future.

Cewsh: Thank you for agreeing to this session, Mr. Online Crystal Ball.

OCB: I am the Magic Online Crystal Ball and I am here to help make your decisions, answer all your questions…and predict your future.

Cewsh: Oh good. First question. Will Alberto Del Rio ever win the WWE title?

OCB: There’s a good chance.

Cewsh: Excellent. And will Alberto Del Rio ever conquer his crippling fear of ties?

OCB: Either you tell us what you know about Agent Mulder’s whereabouts or you will be held in contempt of congress.

Cewsh: …okay. I don’t know where he is. Let’s try asking that question again.

OCB: Bewitched does not promote satanism.

Cewsh: Why do I get the feeling that you aren’t a very reliable source of future information?

OCB: Why didn’t you tell me it was your sister?

Cewsh: What the fuck did you say about my sister, you fucking ball?!

OCB: I think that you appreciate that there are extraordinary men and women; extraordinary moments when history leaps forward on the backs of these individuals.

Cewsh: If any of that means sex with my sister, we’re going to have a problem.

OCB: Poles are useful for more than just poling!

Cewsh: I wonder if this is what a conversation with Vince Russo is like.

Segment 8 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Randy Orton © vs. Christian.

Cewsh: If you recall from last month, the storyline here shakes out like this. Christian won the World title for the first time in his career and was on top of the World. Teddy Long put him in a match with Randy Orton the very next Smackdown and Orton beat Christian for the title. Subsequent attempts to beat Orton to win it back have always fallen short, causing Christian to descend further and further into obsession, and to go further and further to goad Orton into one more match. Finally, after mocking, taunting, baiting and trapping, Christian finally got another match, and in this one, if Orton is disqualified, then Christian will automatically become the new World Heavyweight Champion. Keep that in mind as we proceed.

Now the idea here is that Orton has to keep himself from getting too worked up and getting himself disqualified, which is more than a tad bit difficult for a man with noted anger management issues. Luckily, Christian doesn’t bother to, say, try to exacerbate this in any way at all, choosing instead to try to beat Orton the same way he has unsuccessfully several times to date, in a fair one on one match. They go back and forth for some time, not really recapturing the chemistry of their previous matches, but not boring me to sleep either, until finally, in a fit of desperation to keep Orton from pulling out the win, Christian reels back and spits right in Randy Orton’s face.

“I Spit In The Face Of People Who Don’t Want To Be Cool.”

From there an incredibly odd sequence of events occurs. First, Orton pounces on Christian, beating the shit out of that Canadian bastard, until the ref reminds him that he’s about to get disqualified if he doesn’t stop. With evident frustration, Orton stop, gets up and steps back, looking right at the referee and seeming to compose himself a little for several beats. Then, for no clear reason, he hauls off and kicks Christian straight in the Mean Bean Machine right in front of the ref.

Unfortunately, This Thriller Dance Soon Grew Dangerous.

This causes him to be disqualified, obviously. Orton doesn’t handle this well, and proceeds to take it out on Christian by RKOing him not once but twice into the World’s Sturdiest Announce Table. He then walks off looking like a crazy hobo in search of the Jesus lizards or a sandwich, whichever comes first.

SANDWICH JESUS GARBAGE I LIKE FRENCH FRIES

My objections to this ending boil down to this. For the record, I think it was an ending that COULD have been wonderful, and was simply not done effectively. The concept at work and the interplay of the characters was fine, but the problem was that, first of all, Christian spitting in Randy Orton’s face didn’t come across to me watching it at all at first, and i’m sure the majority of the crowd had no idea it even happened. So when Orton walks back, looks directly at the ref for a bit, and then charges in to kick Christian in the balls, it seemed totally out of nowhere, and was entirely deflating.

Also Deflating? A Good, Strong Tea Bagging.

Then there’s the ball kick in general. Why would Randy Orton, a guy whose number one kill move is a legal maneuver and puts people on the shelf for months and has been established as the thing the voices make him do, ignore that and instead kick Christian in the balls, the ONE FUCKING THING HE CAN’T DO? Not only does it look strange to see face Randy Orton kicking a dude in the balls to get revenge like a stranger is trying to bad touch him, but he knows going in that he cannot get himself DQed here, and the ball shot was just such a ridiculous way to play it. Why not just have Orton start punching Christian and keep going no matter what anyone tells him? That’s a better visual and in character. It just came off really strange and weak.

Like I said, I like the IDEA at work here, but the execution just left a ton to be desired. Which is a shame, because it kept a good match from being great.

74 out of 100

MichaelC Notes:

– Orton DQ defeats in title matches are nothing new. His 2008/9 title run was full of them, including a few blatant lowblow DQs, and the epic “slap to the ref” tactic he used to keep the belt against Cena.

– Christian is now a 2 time World Champion, which is twice the number of World titles (or WWE titles, you pedants!) that Andre, Warrior, Eddie Guerrero, Buddy Rogers, JBL ever had. Of course, bar Andre’s epic 42 second reign, Christian’s 2 reigns to date are massively shorter than all of their one reigns.

– This isn’t the first time the exact same stip has been on a title match. It was also used at Fully Loaded 2000, in Rock vs Benoit. Benoit, with use of Shane McMahon, nearly won the title on a DQ via shenanigans, but Mick Foley was on hand to restart the match, and Rock won.

– It isn’t the first time a WORLD title in the WWF/E has changed hands on a DQ though. The deciding fall in the 2000 Iron Man Match between Rock and HHH – a classic match, incidentally – was a DQ, meaning the title changed hands.

– Titles changing on DQ isn’t as annoying when you watch old school 80s 2/3 fall title matches, where a DQ 30 seconds into a 30 minute match the challengers win means the belt doesn’t change hands.

Christian Over Randy Orton Following His Getting Kicked In The Nuts.

Segment 9 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – John Cena © vs. CM Punk.

Cewsh: Here we go. No more waiting, no more speculation, and no more hype. The moment that may well define this generation of professional wrestling is here.

Let’s do this.

After the opening video package, we are shown an arena that is loudly calling for CM Punk, just as they have been nearly all show long. Is this a pro-Punk crowd? Let’s take a quick look at the crowd signs to find out.

Yep, that seems pretty definitive. But the full force of this doesn’t hit home until CM Punk walks out in front of this jam packed arena and is met with the single loudest and most sustained reaction that I have ever heard for a wrestler outside of Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania 19. The ovation goes on, and on, and on, and on with Punk’s every gesture just egging it on all the more. The only thing that stops it is the arrival of John Cena, who is met with the kind of boos you’d more expect from Hitler marching in a Passover Day parade. Cena meets this with utter stoicism, clearly prepared for this and not willing to let it psyche him out. He is very much in the same mode he brought with him to One Night Stand 2006 when he faced Rob Van Dam in another hostile environment. But there is so, so much more at stake here. To say this match has a big fight feel to it, does it a disservice. This match has an atmosphere of history unfolding in front of us. And John Cena stands at the center of it all.

Meanwhile, CM Punk and Colt Cabana are applauding him at ringside, because they’re fancy gentlemen.

The bell rings and the match gets started. The curtain goes up on this drama, and they have us in the palm of their hand. They don’t rush things, they know they have the crowd and your attention, so they feel one another out. The key here is that both men know full well that the other one can beat them out of nowhere and capitalize on a single mistake, because they’ve both won matches against the other in just that fashion. So with a company and a revolution on the line, both of these men are the very picture of caution to start things out. Punk keeps taking small moments to draw the crowd even further behind him, making things even harder on Cena, but if it shakes Cena, he doesn’t show it, staying on his game, and even trying to outwrestle Punk.

Fast forward nearly 15 minutes, and they remain locked in much the same stalemate, with both men leery of going for their big offense lest they be caught unawares while vulnerable, but both men are also now starting to wear down. A mistimed crossbody by Punk lands on Cena’s knee, causing Cena much pain and painting a target on his leg for the moment. As Punk goes in for the kill, and Cena realizes that the situation is slipping away from him, both men begin to drop their guard and just start going for the home run on one another. They both go for every big move they have, from the springboard clothesline to the top rope leg drop, and from the Anaconda Vice to the STF. But these two have game planned things out too well, and know each other too well, and neither man can get anything lasting going on the other man. At one point John Cena evens reverses the Go 2 Sleep INTO an STF, in a counter so awesome that it briefly, and spontaneously, turned Vice into a John Cena fan.

Did I Say Brief? Because It Was BRIEF.

Finally, after CM Punk incredibly kicks out of an Attitude Adjustment and lays crumpled on the ground, John Cena begins to show something that he has never truly shown before.

Doubt.

Cena stands up and walks to the corner, muttering to himself, and clearly trying to come up with a plan of action as confusion and worry flit across his previously stoic face. He hits ANOTHER Attitude Adjustment and CM Punk kicks out again, shattering Cena’s composure completely as this match passes the 30 minute mark. The crowd comes unglued for their hero, trying to will him back to his feet as Cena sets him up for a Super Attitude Adjustment off of the tope rope. Somehow, though, Punk manages to fight his way out and deliver a Frankensteiner to put Cena on his heels, and you can see in their eyes that the tide has turned. Cena looks lost, Punk looks triumphant. Punk gets Cena up for a Go 2 Sleep and blasts him with it, but Cena falls out of the ring, costing Punk precious seconds. And then, just as CM Punk is rolling Cena in, out from the back comes Vince McMahon and Johnny Ace. Here come the shenanigans we all knew were going to come. What will come of this?

Cena locks in the STF to a distracted Punk, and Vince immediately sends Johnny Ace to call for the bell and set in motion the Chicago Screwjob. But before Ace can make it to the timekeeper, Cena rolls out of the ring, and decks Laurenitis in the face so fucking hard that the entire island of Fiji got spontaneous erections without ever knowing why.

HA!

Cena tells Vince that it isn’t going to go down like that, as Vince stares dumbfounded at his champion. Cena glares him down and rolls back into the ring. But, fixated on Vince, he’s just a second too slow in following events. Before he even realizes what hit him, he’s up on Punk’s shoulders. Nap time. 1…2…3. CM Punk has just beaten not only John Cena, but Vince McMahon, the WWE, and the malaise of modern day wrestling. Against all possible odds, and thanks to John Cena’s do good spirit, CM Punk has won the WWE title.

Not ready to give up just yet, Vince races over to the announcer’s table and calls through the headset for Alberto Del Rio to cash in his Money in the Bank contract. Del Rio comes racing down to the ring, only to be met by an enormous right foot from Punk, knocking him right the fuck out. And now Punk look Vince right in the eye, blows him a kiss, and escapes through his people into the Chicago night. Punk beat them all, and now he’s free. The world is officially upside down.

This Isn’t Over, Though. Not By A Long Shot.

This match is a lot of things. Its emotional, its significant, its incredibly memorable, and it is booked so faultlessly that a mouse could starve on the amount of complaints you could actually find with the plan of action here. This match is also overly slow in the middle, a tad bit botchy from Punk and contained copious no selling from Cena. So what the fuck do we make of the tangled web of insanity that is this match, exactly? The truth is that I can only speak for me in this. If you want flawless technical wrestling, or fun spotfests, or hard hitting puro style, or a heel led southern style, then you wont get what you want from this. That isn’t what this was and it isn’t what it wanted to be. This match is a perfect example of what WWE is at its very greatest, and are able to accomplish that no other wrestling company that has ever existed has even been able to get a glimpse of. This was spectacle. This was a match that will live on in your head years from now. It’s a match that grew itself past the bounds of a wrestling formula and became something truly riveting. In short it what every WWE main event aspires to be, and only a very few precious handful ever are. All the bullshit, all the mediocrity, all of the annoyances and trifles, and petty complaints that we levy at World Wrestling Entertainment, it all disappears when matches like this happen. Because this is what we’re in it for, for the splendor and the spectacle that we know only WWE can pull off. And on this night, on a little gimmick PPV in the middle of the summer, CM Punk and John Cena captured a little bit of that Wrestlemania magic. And caught the wrestling world on fire.

 
98 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

CM Punk Over John Cena Following A Go 2 Sleep.
———————————–
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: So this was a show. No doubt about that.

When people look back on this show, they’re going to remember it as something truly special and awesome and spectacular, because amazing main events that change the industry are known to have that effect on people. Frankly I’m glad they will and I hope I do too, but the reality is that this was a solid show, with three good matches, one great match, and two decent matches with problems. If we’re talking about you average WWE PPV, this cumulative grouping makes most of them look like total dogshit, but if we’re talking about the better show from top to bottom, I think that somehow, TNA still won the day this month.

Of course they won with a one time only PPV, and WWE did this with a normal PPV that was simply masterfully booked, so I think that says more about the actual competition level here than anything else. But regardless of who won or what the score is, the important thing is that the Chicago Made Punk made good tonight. And that’ll keep me warm long after there is no more TNA around anyway.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 79 out of 100

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the most surreal month of wrestling imaginable as TNA and WWE enagaged in a dogfight to see who could be more shockingly awesome in the space of one month. Next week we’ll be taking a step away from the national promotions and focus, instead on WSU, or Women Superstars Uncensored, the second biggest all female wrestling promotion in the United States (and despite the name, they are not porn stars, I checked.) We’ll be covering their 4th Anniversary iPPV, so buckle down, because when we go to the indies, you know very well how THAT tends to go.

In the meantime, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another. VIVA LA PUNK.

TNA Destination X 2011

Impact Wrestling Proudly Presents…


TNA Destination X 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of future one hit wonder Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we seek out TNA’s Destination X 2011, where assumedly the treasure is buried. Now we’re deep into summer now, boys and girls, so this is the downiest down time on the wrestling calendar. Wrestlemania is far, far off, and consequently most American wrestling is subdued, waiting for Wrestling Season to come back again, bringing with it the interest of the majority of wrestling fans. As such, summer is the time for experimental booking, and new things to begin, and nowhere is this truer than here tonight, as TNA devotes an entire pay per view broadcast to a division they could barely be bothered to dedicate 8 minutes of television time to 6 months ago, as we get ourselves an all X Division PPV. Will the X Division guys step up and make the effort worthwhile? Will the experiment fail horribly and kill off the division once and for all? At what moment, exactly, did Vice mark out like an 80s child for a Cabbage Patch doll? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Going into this PPV, you may have thought that the long awaited Jerry Lynn/Rob Van Dam matchup would be the focus of this show. Or maybe AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels mixing it up one more time. Or even the fatal fourway for the TNA contract. What you may not have expected is for the hype video to this show to focus solely and completely on the X Division title match between Abyss and Brian Kendrick. Now, while this match may not have gotten much build on television in the past month, this video pretty much erases that problem, as by the end of it this match seems like a BIG FUCKING DEAL, as the plucky (and odd) underdog tries to save his division from the rampaging (and odd) monster. This is good shit, and really alters the scope of the whole show right from the start. This isn’t a show with a bunch of X Division matches. This is a show about SAVING the X Division, both in the kayfabe sense and not.

Best of luck, boys, that’s one helluva burden. Let’s see what you’ve got.

Oh, and by the way, there’s no Tazz tonight, so Jeremy Borash is filling in. My spirits feel lighter already.

Also, I Think Mike Tenay Is Trying To Seduce You.

Segment 2 – Kazarian vs. Samoa Joe.

Cewsh: Back when this pay per view was first being set up and built to, Christopher Daniels came up with an idea. It’s an X Division PPV right? Well then the main event needs to be the most beloved, the most classic, and the most legendary matchup in TNA history. A match that had been repeated several times but never produced anything but pure gold, and made each of the participants a star on a different level. Surely you know where we’re going with this.

Or maybe not.

See, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles clearly believed that Daniels wants Joe/Styles/Daniels Eleventy Five, and were both more than a bit taken aback when Daniels instead challenged AJ to a one on one match to determine who was the greatest X Division star of all time. The rest of their story, we’ll save for later, but Joe left that a tad bit embarrassed, and when you add that to his current unprecedented losing streak it only took one spark to set him off. That spark happened to be the taunts of Mr. Kazarian and he went off, beating the fuck out of Kazarian first backstage and then viciously in a bar the next week. Leading to this.

Now immediately, I am going to tell you something, and you’re going to have to trust me here, because I know we’ve all been burnt by false allegations of this before. This was the old Samoa Joe. Seriously! For realz and everything! When Joe first made his entrance the crowd cheered and chanted a bit and things were nice, but from the second Joe started treating Kazarian’s head like a goddamn basketball.

Ow.

He then sets about pulling off his old moves (including my personal favorite the “wander away while your opponent goes for a complicated move”) the crowd immediately went absolutely batshit. In the space of 5 minutes Samoa Joe went from a total afterthought to the most over man on the entire roster as the entire audience rose to its feet to watch Joe FUCK KAZARIAN UP. Like, no offense for Kaz for 5 straight minutes fuck him up.

How’s Your Day Going, Frankie?

It was so good to see that it was frankly cathartic, and when Kazarian fired up on Joe and brought out the mean side of Joe it was like a slice of 2006 right there in my living room.

Now, naturally Kazarian beats Joe out of nowhere, leaving Joe shocked and even angrier, but now that I see where this storyline is going, with him becoming madder and madder and reverting to Joe Classic, I couldn’t be more in support of it if it were a magical blowjob contraption. This is what I have sighed and wished for after every Samoa Joe match since the day he joined the Main Event Mafia. This is our Joe.

Fuck yes.

 
81 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: When I first heard that Kazarian and Joe were going to square off, I wasn’t too excited. But then I got to thinking, and it became a match I really wanted to see, for reasons more than just a potential good match. Joe is sluggish and a bore these days when he’s used horribly, treated like a nobody, ignored, and generally just a complete afterthought to the writers. Yeah, he’ll go out and wrestle, but it’s just whatever. But every time TNA has put him in a big match situation, or given him some sort of chance at SOMETHING, he immediately goes 100% back to the Joe of 2005 that we all loved and adored, and drooled over every potential PPV bout he could have.

Kazarian is one of those guys that is very solid all around, but is a very by the motions kind of guy when it comes to doing stuff on TNA. When it comes to PPV though, a fire gets lit under his ass and he goes out and gives it his everything. I dare say he is one of TNA’s better PPV performers. The dude does not fail when the pressure is on. So when I thought about that, Joe is a perfect opponent for him. Kazarian is tough enough to be slapped around like a motherfucker, small enough for Joe to manhandle, big enough to be a convincing threat to Joe with his offense, and again, he does not fail to be great on PPV.

What happened? Joe reverted right back to his old self, Kazarian went toe to toe with him, and both guys were extremely motivated to get the show started HOT. The crowd was super into it, and were cheering for Joe like he was The Rock. Both guys fed off the crowd perfectly and had themselves a great match. Anyone who says Joe doesn’t have it in him anymore can shut the hell up, because he still has that beast inside that fat body of his.

Shown: Angry, Angry Beast.

He just needs to be motivated and put into better situations. Joe has been the world champ before, but aside from his matches with Angle, he hasn’t shown a lot of ability to mesh properly with the other main event talent. But he’s just so comfy in the X Division, and I do think he should stay there for a while. Lots of people might consider it a demotion of sort, but I don’t. I think he could do wonders with the roster. I’ll take Joe up against Ki, Aries, Evans, Ion, Kendrick, Shelley, Sabin, Williams, Red, whoever, over him facing guys like Sting, Jarrett, etc. He could be the big bull of the X Division and really help them put on fantastic matches that truly help legitimatize the division.

So basically, this was a great start to the show.

Kazarian Over Samoa Joe Following A Roll Up.
Segment 3 – Possibly The Greatest Wrestling Segment In History.

Cewsh: Eric Young is backstage where a few of the wrestlers are signing autographs and he’s looking for a partner for his big tag team match tonight against Generation Me. He runs into a table featuring the legendary trio of Sangrieto, Curry Man and Suicide and demands that one of them enlist and join him tonight. Unfortunately Curry Man tells him that they can’t since Suicide is injured, Sangrieto has no Visa and he has to defend the TNA Fired Championship in Tokyo against Cody Deaner later tonight.

Here’s a Refresher For Those Who Don’t Remember.

The sheer idea that Curry Man misunderstood when he won the “Fired” briefcase some two years ago and has been defending it against other TNA releases in Japan all this time is so outrageous that it tickles me to death. But we’re not done, superfriends, oh no.

For you see, out of the darkness of the well lit backstage hallway, out of the shroud of mist that isn’t actually there, and instilling in all who see him a feeling of dread and hunger for sushi, SHARK BOY appears, and demands that he be Eric’s partner. Eric agrees, and we get ourselves a one night only reunion of the Prince Justice Brotherhood.

In case you were wondering, this is the point where Vice did the Cabbage Patch thing.

Yep, Right About Here.

Segment 3 – Douglas Williams vs. ?????

Cewsh: Okay, so apparently at some point recently Doug Williams put out an open challenge for someone to face him at Destination X. I don’t remember this, but in fairness I drink a lot to bury the memories of IWA:MS. So here he is to present this challenge and who should come out to face him? Why, none other than Mark Haskins!

Wait, who?

John Morrison?

Well I’ll tell you, intrepid reader. Mark Haskins is an English wrestler who has developed something of a reputation in the land of tea and crumpets for being an unfiltered badass. When TNA made its last trip over to Europe, he wrestled a few matches here and there and impressed everyone with the way that he would walk away from explosions like he JUST DIDN’T CARE. Also he, like pretty much every British wrestler who has broken into the business in the past decade, has two major active legends to look up to who are monsters in their home country. Their names are William Regal and Doug Williams. Now here he is to try to make his name in his official TNA debut against one of his heroes. Oh fucking fuck yeah.

Now, occasionally you’ll see someone say that two wrestlers “put on a clinic”. The suggestion being that they were wrestling so well and so technically that it may as well have been a class that we were all paying to attend. This is very much one of those times, as Haskins goes nuts in the early going trying to beat the British legend at his own mat wrestling game. Williams basically laughs this off as Jesus and the B-Sharps together couldn’t outwrestle Doug Williams on the ground. But Haskins hangs in there, showing a lot of fight and fire, and when Williams gets a bit complacent, he finds himself on the receiving end of some lightning fast offense. This puts Williams totally off of his game and Haskins battles him all over the ring, and they go back and forth before finally Haskins surprises Williams out of nowhere with a big move and heads up for his signature Shooting Star Press.

And then he slips.

He falls off the ropes and has to climb back up again. But now when he goes for the move Williams has recovered enough to move, and he rolls up Haskins right off of the impact and wins. Now I could be seeing things where there is nothing, and perhaps I am, but it seemed to me like this wasn’t a real botch. Haskins hadn’t been so much as a hair out of line all match long, and it feeds perfectly into the story with the excited rookie getting too nervous and taking just that second too long, that the veteran can capitalize on.

Real botch or not, this match is exactly what people are asking for when they ask for more “technical” wrestling on their wrestling show, and for 10 minutes it was a whirlwind of surprises from Haskins, and a chain wrestling masterpiece from Williams. In other words, its something you wont see anywhere else in American wrestling anytime soon. Savor it while you can.

Oh, And If You’re One Of These Two Guys, You Look Like A Tool And I Hate You.

 
85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Coming into this match, I had no idea who Mark Haskins was. In a brilliant move, Doug Williams was given the microphone to explain it all. We were told who he was, some of the history involved, and it was all a perfect way to introduce us to one of TNA’s newest signings.

This is one of the things I’ve always really enjoyed about TNA’s debuting talent—they’re generally given the green light to do whatever it takes. They don’t come in and do squash matches or have a 2 move offense for the first few months or whatever. They debut and immediately show you what they’re all about. Haskins and Williams started the match with some extremely crisp hold for hold move for move wrestling to kick things off, and it was great to watch. The amount of styles and different kinds of matches you can have under the banner of the X Division is staggering. This had a great pace to it, and was well worked throughout.

Haskins got put over perfectly. He went toe to toe with the established Doug Williams, and looked great in defeat. He made himself out to seem like a potential very credible threat, while not being pushed like he’s going to be the new guy TNA is immediately pushing to the moon. Such a thing is very difficult these days, and first impressions are extremely important. This was a fantastic first impression, and everything about it was executed well. Even the botch at the very end was great, almost to the point where I wonder if it wasn’t done on purpose.

2/2 so far, TNA.

Doug Williams Over Mark Haskins Following A Roll Up.

Segment 4 – A Double Rides Again.

Cewsh: Austin Aries is backstage making a case for why he’s better than his opponents, the roster of TNA and you and everyone you’ve ever met combined. It’s a compelling case, I think I’m going to have to take his word for it.

How Can I Not Trust A Man Pulling Off A Fluffy Pink Vest?

Segment 5 – The Prince Justice Brotherhood (Eric Young and Shark Boy) vs. Generation Me.

Vice: Just having Shark Boy in this match was enough to get the thumbs up from me. But with a shockingly entertaining Eric Young and Generation Me to boot? Oh man. This is one of those matches that just worked out so well. Sure, the best this match could ever be will pale in comparison to other, bigger matches , but for what it was, it was executed to perfection. For a random midcard match thrown together at the day of the PPV, it was quite fun and entertaining.

3/3? GIVE ME A SHELL YEAH.

Cewsh: Good god this match was fun.

What, you wanted play by play of a Shark Boy match?

78 out of 100.

The PJB Over Generation Me Following A Chunnerbarrow.

Segment 6 – Number One Contendership For The X Division Title – Ultimate X Match – Alex Shelley vs. Shannon Moore vs. Robbie E. vs. Amazing Red.

Vice: The video packages they make for Ultimate X are lovely, and make it seem like THE craziest, most dangerous, most unique match type on the planet. On the flipside, they have the negative effect of making you assume something absurd is going to happen, and you spend the entire match waiting for that. This offered a good group of people. Alex Shelley is perfect for the X Division, but is without his partner due to him being injured. Amazing Red and Robbie E are both entertaining acts, but really have no business being in singles matches. And Shannon Moore, while I never give him credit for anything he does because he’s a stupid looking penis of a questionable man, has impressed me the last few outings I’ve seen him have on PPV, and putting him in a match like this hides a lot of his weaknesses and gives him quick memorable bursts of entertainment before going back into the shadows.

I Still Say That Book Is Full Of Compromising Pictures Of Hulk Hogan And That’s The Only Way He Has A Job.

This wasn’t the best Ultimate X match, and nothing extreeeemely crazy happened, but it was entertaining enough to keep me interested. The end stretch was really great with Shannon Moore navigating the steel structure, making me think he was going to win due to the history of the match type and people doing ridiculous things to get to the X always winning. But no. My hero Alex Shelley didn’t want that used condom getting any glory, and kicked his face off before taking down the X. It was a great way to cap it all off, plus Shelley seemingly getting a singles push while Sabin is on the sidelines is a very good thing for TNA, as he is one of their best assets. And utilizing assets in the right way is good. See: Joe, Samoa

Also, the X never fell.

4/4

Cewsh: Okay, before we get into how this match actually was, let’s make one thing perfectly clear. After like 846 of these things, I am fairly confident in telling you that there are three kinds of Ultimate X matches. The first is just a crazy spotfest where everybody goes nuts, takes huge bumps and kills each other. The originals were often this sort. The second is the sort where teamwork is employed and they try to tell a story about trying to get the X. This is usually in the tag matches (obviously). The third is a sort of half hearted version of the first one. Nobody wants to die, so instead of committing suicide (Suicide?) they just try to do cool looking things and keep interest high without actually putting themselves in huge danger. This is that sort, and is the kind we usually get these days.

Alex Shelley is pretty much the star of the match, as he uses his superior experience in these matches and his ring savvy to his advantage by playing everyone against each other and consistently finding himself out ahead without ever seeming to be able to quite get to the X before somebody wakes up and cuts him off. Shannon Moore, apparently deciding that the only way to make himself memorable is to turn this into X Division match type #1, goes ahead and climbs the scaffolding surrounding the ring holding up the Xs. Seeing as this takes LONGER than climbing the conventional way, and he proceeds to come down above the X and slowly lower himself towards it, this pretty much a Shannon Moore worthy plan of action.

Getting High. Every North Carolinier’s First Plan Of Action.

Luckily Shelley darts in and snatches the X from the jaws of mediocrity and becomes the number one contender.

As you may have guessed, this wasn’t exactly stirring by Ultimate X match standards, and they didn’t exactly put the best of the best in there to make it anything other than what it was. But it was certainly enjoyable, and for fuck’s sake, at least nobody got spiked on their head like Daniels does every time he’s near one of these.

78 out of 100.

Alex Shelley Over Everyone Else Following Retrieval of the Item.

Segment 7 – Low Ki’s Voice Is More Epic Than You Will Ever Be.

Cewsh: Low Ki is now backstage hyping up the four way match, and it becomes immediately very clear that those years in WWE helped him a lot, because he’s miiiiiiiles better at this than he was before he left, and gets his point across well with out shouting and snarling at the camera.

Its all an act, though. Deep down, he wants to headbutt you through the camera for not keeping kayfabe. Just don’t make any sudden moves and he may not notice you.

Segment 8 – Rob Van Dam vs. Jerry Lynn.

Cewsh: I remember where I was the first time I saw Jerry Lynn wrestle Rob Van Dam. In was in late 2001 and I was still downloading wrestling matches off of Kazaa for fuck’s sake. I had seen some ECW stuff before, through the DVDs they released that were like greatest hits packages of a period of time. It had been okay, but not really to my taste, but this wrestling clip must have had at least 75 exclamation points on it, so I figured if the guy were that excited about it, maybe it’d be worth checking out. As the match (the November to Remember one, I believe) unfolded, I was immediately just startled. I had never seen two guys work so smoothly together, flitting in and out of countless moves like they had done this every day of their lives, and pulling out spots that were ahead of their time even in 2001 when I saw them. It was riveting, interesting stuff, and while I may see it through different eyes if a watched it today (AES is a deadly foe) to my innocent eyes it was as grand a display of chain wrestling and high flying as I could imagine.

I’m not alone in experiences like these, as throughout the vast community of wrestling fans it is not hard to find someone trumpeting the virtues of the Whole Fucking Show vs. The New Fucking Show, even over a decade later. It’s a match up that has never been far from the thoughts of a certain type of wrestling fan, and since that fan is pretty much TNA’s target audience, having the two of these men meet up here for the first time in ages is not only momentous, but it’s on a level of anticipation that will be nigh impossible to reach.

But they did try.

For nearly 15 minutes, these two legends went at each other in a manner so competitive that they turned back the clock on both of their careers. They did spots that recalled and fed on their previous matches, including Lynn giving Van Dam one of his vaunted rolling Sentons from the ring apron to the floor, and Van Dam going for every inch of height on every jump to hurt Lynn as much as he possibly could. They never missed a step, not even when an accident with a chair caused Van Dam to have his right eyebrow busted open in gruesome fashion.

Ouchies.

Van Dam’s response? Immediately get up and take a powerbomb off the ropes that involved him jumping over halfway across the ring to make a crash landing on a chair.

In short, the match was immensely satisfying, and all the more so for not trying to be what it no longer couldn’t. These men can’t do what they once could, but what they can do, and did, is put on a fun show that brought back fond memories to everyone who had been waiting for this match for all these years. They did what they came to do, and can remember this match as the end of their great feud with pride.

Awesome.

It was the closing of the book. Now maybe those fans can find something new to treasure.

Like a woman.

 
83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: After so many years of these two being apart, it’s amazing that they haven’t lost a single beat together. Did you know that Jerry Lynn is nearly 50? Good god that man looks great for his age.

A lot of this match is standard Lynn/RVD routines, but you know what? That’s just what they do, and it’s fun to watch. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel. When I go to a restaurant and get a slice of apple pie, I can do such a thing safely because I know what I’m getting. So maybe Lynn/RVD isn’t your type of comfort wrestling, but there are still tons of people that love it. I enjoy it a lot, and psychology-wise it’d actually be all kinds of wrong if they DIDN’T do their usual fare.

After they’re done doing their trademark standoffs, shit heats up a bit and things get a lot more spicy. It was still fairly standard stuff for these two, but again, it’s enjoyable enough to watch. Plus it’s good that TNA gave us this match, because it was originally booked as the main event for Hardcore Justice, but Lynn had to pull out at the last second [strike]to avoid getting RVD pregnant[/strike] due to injury, thus Sabu replaced him. So them giving us this match finally was a kind gesture that also pays respect to Lynn.

While their best in 2011 doesn’t quite compete with their best of the ECW days, I still found this all to be really fun in the end. It was exactly what it needed to be.

5/5? What madness is this?

Rob Van Dam Over Jerry Lynn Following The Five Star Frog Splash.

 Segment 9 – Wait, Who The Hell Is This?
Colin Delaney?

Cewsh: There’s no way this guy can possibly be the Jack Evans from my memories, the Prince of Parkland who was 1 part Gumby and 9 parts Eminem. THIS is Jack Evans? This humble, pale, guy looking to do his best and show what he can do? Its truly crazy how things can change for and with a wrestler while they’re out of the mainstream spotlight for a few years, but the transformation here is incredible. This Jack Evans you might actually believe to be capable of winning a wrestling match.

Wild.

Segment 9 – TNA Contract Match – Austin Aries vs. Xima Ion vs. Low Ki vs. Jack Evans.

Cewsh: Urgency.

When you look at the wrestling landscape today, there is gobs of talent, good storytelling aplenty, and entertaining characters. All of these things are, on paper, the things that you need for a wrestling company to be great and to prosper, but ever you hear about people feeling that something is missing. Something that they can feel from other eras and not this one, and something that escapes explanation and leads to various blame laying sprees against the likes of John Cena, Vince McMahon, Dixie Carter, and all the usual suspects. But it is my belief, after viewing this match, that the one thing truly missing from the American wrestling industry is urgency. See, back in the good old days of the Monday Night Wars, every night was electric. It didn’t even matter sometimes what the content of the shows were half the time, there was just something tangible about the feud between the promotions you could feel and something that drew people to WWE that gave them the victory. It was the urgency that they felt, the burning need to succeed lest they fail and be lost to the Time Warner juggernaut. It was what drew your eyes to every action of Steve Austin, who was literally fighting for the recognition and respect he felt he had been denied. When he told you he NEEDED the World title, you believed the man, because something in his eyes said he’d go through hell to get it.

Now, there is no urgency. WWE is the king, TNA can’t sort out how it intends to compete, and championships change hands with less fanfare that at any time in recent memory. Wrestlers try to function with characters that don’t suit them, and everyone walks around on eggshells like they’re afraid of what will happen if they push too hard. Fans feel like they know every step of every match and feud before it even reaches the halfway point, and as such, wrestling has lost much of the flavor it developed when it sucked us all in. But it hasn’t lost all of it, because I’m here to tell you that these four men captured it in a bottle here as they competed for a lone guaranteed contract with TNA, in a match that any of the four of them could have rightfully won without any issue. For nearly 20 minutes, these four put on an absolutely electric display that resulted in Vice and I typing more things in caps to one another than should legally be allowed by the Punctuation Police.

 
Moments Like This For Example.

They put on a show that not only reinvigorated 3 of their careers, but which made a star out of young Xima Ion, who you may remember as Shiima Xion, who two years ago we chose as an unheralded independent wrestler who was going to blow doors off someday, and here he did in the best possible company.

The Future Present.

I could sit here and talk about this match until my fingers wear to the bone but that’s only extending the time you spend not watching it. Some will call it a spot fest. Maybe they’re right. But urgency is the key, ladies and gentlemen. And I will reward it anywhere I find it, because as long as it is here in this crazy wrestling industry of ours, I am too.

Wait, do you realize what this means? It means that Shiima Xion is currently AVERAGING a 90 for the year.

WRESTLER OF THE YEAR IS LOCKED IN.

 
90 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Hoooooooooooly shit.

I love TNA for this match. I also hate them for it in a way, too. On paper, it’s a fantastic match and the stakes are very high with the winner getting a TNA contract. But that is a double edged sword, because while one gets signed, that means three of these guys don’t (yes, MATH!). See, I want them all to get signed. Eventually I’m sure they’ll pick up at least Ki and Ion, and hopefully Evans will also get signed.

This was just nuts, but such a thing was to be expected considering the talent here. Right now I have a weird mix of having like 3,000 words to type about it while also not knowing what I can possibly express clearly aside from “WATCH THIS MATCH”.

Oh, And The Word “PWNED”.

Aries picks up the win and it’s great. Very glad to see him back. But seriously, download this match. Order the replay. Do something that involves watching this match. It is so worth it.

6/6? Is this TNA?


Austin Aries Over Everyone Else Following A Brainbuster To Low Ki.

  
Segment 10 – TNA X Division Championship – Abyss © vs. Brian Kendrick.

Cewsh: Indulge me for a moment.

Yes, I know, but more than usual this time.

I’ve mentioned before how the small things in wrestling can really add to a match in unbelievable ways. The way that the opening video focusing solely on this match making it seem so vitally important on this show regardless of the prior build up. The way that Brian Kendrick comes out for this match fired up like he’s about to fight World War 3 and is ready to get it over with. These things add to the atmosphere of the match and suck you in, making something good great and something mundane special. But of all the tools that wrestling has in its toolbox, nothing holds a candle to an effective entrance, and with Abyss doing easily the best (or only good depending on your view) work in years right now, his entrance here is something that bears pointing out.

From the way it cuts off the peppy violin music, to the way the crowd falls utterly silent except for a few frightened screams, from the seemingly generic music that somehow conjures a sense of foreboding, to Abyss easy manner of certainty that Brian Kendrick is nothing to be worried about, this is a monster at his finest, and the first time in his entire career that I have thought highly of Abyss.

Now, with our atmosphere firmly ingrained, Brian Kendrick gets his face kicked in. Its inevitable really. The man is plucky, but Abyss is nearly twice his size and every attempt at suitable offense Kendrick attempts results in fuck all result and ends with Abyss beating him down, and going and reading from the Art of War again. This scene repeats itself until Kendrick is in a sorry state and Abyss goes to finish him, but is surprised when Kendrick fires up and makes his comeback, rocking Abyss with quick strikes and high risk offense, and putting Abyss off of his game. Before it can go any further, though, Scott Steiner, Gunner and Brother Ray, Abyss’ stable mates in Immortal come out to help and rough Kendrick up. A few X Division guys come to help, but they’re dispatched quickly by their much bigger foes. Finally though, the entire CALVARY of the X Division comes to call, wiping Immortal clean out of the ring with a righteous and well deserved pummeling. Abyss, distracted by all of the craziness, turns around into a flying clothesline attempt from Kendrick. He blocks it and goes for the chokeslam, but Kendrick tucks under instead, victory rolling Abyss for the shocking win and finally redeeming the X Division once and for all.

Now I’ve already begun to hear people shouting from the rooftops that this match was overbooked, and the ending certainly did have a ton of interference. But the thing about overbooking is that it is not an evil thing in and of itself. The majority of your favorite memories from wrestling are probably the result of crazy overbooking from Rock/Austin at Wrestlemania 17 to anything the NWO did at any point ever. The difference here is that this was a simmering issue between these two groups and these were the figureheads of each clashing. The groups got involved, nullified one another, and not only did it not truly decide the end of the match, but it resulted in a much larger redemption for the X Division than could have been managed otherwise. If Brian Kendrick wins, he is great. If the X Division wipes the floor with Immortal and Kendrick win, then they’re all kings, and that’s exactly what happened.

Kings of Their World.

Vince Russo didn’t always book things you hated. Once upon a time, he took situations like this, and brought them to life. Somehow, someway, he reached back into 1998 and produced one here.

What the hell is going on with this show?



 
83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: I really enjoy Abyss in the role of the big bastard that just beats up people half his size. There are none of the massively idiotic storylines that usually come hand in hand with Abyss, and he has always been great at these matches. He’s a really big dude that can manhandle pretty much anyone, yet he also sells extremely well. When someone is on offense and hacking away at him, he makes it seem credible and makes them look like a million bucks. And then he throws them on their face and looks like a million bucks himself. Repeat this a number of times throughout the match, and, well, you’ve got many million bucks in the ring.

So really, not only is Abyss not currently being awful and one of the worst parts of the show because of who he is and how his feuds go, but he is actually ENJOYABLE. It’s a complete 180. And it’s because TNA went back to basics. That’s what they need to do more often, because it simply works.

This match was really fun to watch, because Kendrick is fantastic at taking an ass beating, and jesus Abyss can fling small people around. It’s fairly fast-paced and tells a good story. Up until now, there hadn’t been any bullshit on this PPV, which is beyond shocking since it is TNA and they specialize in overbooked nonsense.. so needless to say, I was terrified when Bischoff came out. Like, eyes beginning to roll/hand getting ready to facepalm levels of scurrrrrrred. But, magically, everything was done perfectly. A long storyline with Abyss being champion ends when Bischoff gets knocked out, and the X Division locker room comes out to swarm Immortal, allowing Kendrick to get the victory and the X Division title. Confetti flies everywhere as Kendrick is hoisted on the shoulders of his fellow Xsters, celebrating winning the title and bringing the X Division back to its roots on THEIR show. He was a hero.

I Know Someone Who Might Disagree.

It all made the X Division, and its title, seem incredibly important. More important than it has been in ages. I almost want to say that this is the most important it has seemed since Samoa Joe’s first reign back in 2005/6.

The end was an overbooked clusterfuck and the type I usually dread every time I tune in to TNA, but this was done perfectly. And it was the first screwy segment of the entire show, so in a way it was almost very.. fresh. It just worked. Perfectly.

Something tells me I’m soon going to be complaining about it being done horribly wrong, though, unfortunately…

7/7. I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Brian Kendrick Over Abyss Following Shenanigans.
Segment 11 – AJ Styles vs. Christopher Daniels.

Cewsh: Do you understand how weird it is not to be typing some kind of title or gimmick in front of the participants in an American PPV main event ? Its fucking bizarre.

Now as I was saying earlier, AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels have been friendly rivals for years, and are currently stable mates in Fortune. But Daniels isn’t satisfied as he looks back on a long career of having made his name as the preeminent indy wrestler of his day only to be utterly surpassed in ever way by his protégé AJ Styles. Now he sees the opportunity to drag himself out of the doldrums and stop himself from getting lost in the shuffle yet again by putting on a show for the ages and finally beating his pupil to show that he’s the man they should have been looking to all along.

Unfortunately, that isn’t exactly what happened here.

Vice: Styles and Daniels have had some amazing matches in the past, and I always look forward to them in the ring. While this was probably the worst of all of them (well, the main ones), that doesn’t make this match bad by any means. I still thought it was really good, in fact.

There was a lot of story here. TNA has made it very clear how close their friendship is, how much they’ve trained together, how much they respect each other, how Daniels got AJ’s foot in the door in TNA, and all that good juicy stuff. And it’s made better by the fact that it’s completely true. They really are BFF’s, named their kids after each other, train together, etc. The “feud” is a perfect blend of kayfabe and reality.

I can understand it if you thought this match was boring or that there wasn’t a lot to it, or whatever. It wasn’t nearly as eventful or intense as their previous bouts. This one was very smartly worked though, with Daniels and AJ knowing each other so well that they have a counter and a reversal for everything, he reversals to reversals to reversals. Plus there were so many nods to their previous matches which I enjoyed. Things that caught the other off guard in their previous bout were sure as hell countered here. I also really enjoyed what Daniels was doing in this match. In Wrestlingland, he has a losing record against AJ despite being the “better” wrestler. The problem is that AJ Styles is, well, AJ Styles. And AJ is crazy and amazing and refuses to die, which makes defeating him rather difficult. Daniels knows this, so he gets a bit crazy at times. My favorite moment of the match was Daniels getting AJ outside of the ring and then giving him a sick suicide dive into the guard rail, only to roll back in the ring and do a Taker-esque dive over the top rope, knocking AJ into the guard rail AGAIN.

Double Your Fun, Fucker.

Not only was it visually cool to watch, but it showed how Daniels was willing to do whatever it took. He also didn’t want to cheat to win (he’s respectful!), but he certainly bent a few rules here and there while laying on the trashtalk, hoping such a thing could put him on equal footing with AJ.

At some point in the match, either one or both ended up concussed or at the very least knocked three quarters of the way to stupid, which made things a bit sloppy. While some will surely say that it took away from the match, I’ll say that it actually added to it. While I wish injuries on no one, sometimes such things can make it all seem all the more real, and add to the story. These guys battled and battled until they were actually hurt and still managed to go at it. If they were 100% crisp up until the very last bit of the match, I might not be able to buy into it as well. While obviously this all completely pales in comparison to Undertaker almost legitimately dying against Shawn Michaels, that all made the match so much more compelling to me since it added not only to the story, but to the real life aspect as well. So, I don’t believe I’m actually going to crap on the later parts of this match because of the sloppiness. It was real.

That said, these two got a LOT of time to wrestle. Almost too much time, as they had trouble pacing themselves here and there. So this is not the main event to end all main events, and was not as good as I had hoped, but I still enjoyed it very much. I love these two, whether they are wrestling each other or tag teaming.

8/8 PERFECTION.

Cewsh: The trouble with matches that SHOULD be great and have been endless times before is that when you go into them, you start looking for reasons why they aren’t as good as you expected. A match like Lynn/Van Dam is exempt from this because they’re up there in years and your expectations are tempered in reality, but Styles/Daniels? No way, man, it has to be legendary. Unfortunately, that’s not what this was. What happened here was a great start with Daniels establishing that he intends to stay one step ahead of Styles all the way through with his experience advantage no matter how much of a dick it makes him look like, and that was great. But then, towards the middle of the match, the whole thing just sort of…drifted.

After that it was sort of lifeless for a bit, before picking up again before the end, which was good, but that middle part just perplexes me as I sit here right now. Not only was there not much going on, but there were actual botches, and not just one or two, from two guys who treat botches like the SARS virus. Rumors since then say that Daniels may have sustained a concussion in the match, and I certainly thought AJ himself looked awfully red and woozy for him at points, and that makes me wonder is something like that may have pulled this down from where it could have gone.

Whatever the cause, it was a fine match. But the curse of the TNA main event stands. With a brilliant match here, this show could have been something that could be held up with any show ever produced. With a good match, we’ll see.

79 out of 100.

AJ Styles Over Christopher Daniels Following The Spiral Tap.

—————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: What in the name of Fuckaham Lincoln did I just watch?

A few days later, I’m still sitting here trying to convince myself that what I witnessed here can’t actually be what happened. That TNA would not only dedicate an entire PPV to the X Division and pure wrestling matches is gobstopping, but the idea that that PPV should turn out to be the single highest rated and most consistently quality PPV in Cewsh Reviews history is absolutely stunning. After watching the show, Vice and I just sat there for hours daring one another to find a serious fault with this show and…we never did. This is as fun and varied a wrestling show as you are likely to find this year, or, frankly, any year close to this one. Spot fests, chain wrestling, comedy, crazy gimmick match, hugely anticipated match ups, and all of it wrapped in a kind of urgency to please that is utterly absent from TNA’s usual PPV offerings.

Fuck man, a show with NO BAD MATCHES. And all they had to do was give a bunch of hungry, unappreciated wrestlers a chance to prove they were worth something.

Enjoy it, guys. They’ll soon be wishing you well in your future endeavors, but they can’t take this night away from you.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 82.16 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, this is definitely TNA’s best PPV ever. Everything shown here is exactly what the company SHOULD be, and it pains me that it’s not. Every match delivered in its own way, there was only one overbooked wacky finish, and it actually made sense and was great, and it was just great. Plus not only did Curry Man show up and talk about the Fired Championship, Shark Boy showed up and actually got to wrestle. Plus Tazz couldn’t make it, which meant that the commentary wasn’t like trying to crap out Janice. This was just a brilliant night of wrestling, in my eyes. This was like they were doing everything they possibly could to get me to come back as a fan after I boycotted them.

Hook. Line. Sinker.

…for now.

Vice’s Final Score: 92 out of 100.

And now, the triumphant return of…


Vice’s Awards:

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed reading about a startling new entry into Cewsh Reviews history and we’re bursting with curiosity to find out if this Sunday’s WWE Money in the Bank 2011 PPV turns out to be another one as CM Punk and John Cena clash in a battle of NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. Can’t wait. Until then, though, remember to keep reading and be good to one another.

TNA Slammiversary 2011

Total Nonstop Action Or Impact Wrestling Whatever Works For You Proudly Presents…

TNA Slammiversary 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of the Tony award winning Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we celebrate the 8th anniversary of the glorious collection of greatness and failure that can only be categorized by whatever name we’re going with today. Tonight is a special night for TNA, as they officially close the book on the first half of the year, and turn on the jets for the sprint to Bound For Glory in October. As such we have the blow offs (theoretically) to numerous feuds here, and the birth of many more growing right in front of our eyes. Will this show represent all that has been right with TNA for these long years? Will it disappoint horribly as has also been the case? Will it do both, seeking the creamy center of batshittery like only TNA can? Only one way to find out.

So with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Now this is really a tale of two halves.

The first half of this video deals mainly with just showing us the various feuds culminating here tonight, including Angelina Love/Mickie James, AJ Styles/Bully Ray and, of course, Kurt Angle/Jeff Jarrett. This is all fine and entirely by the book, but its when we get to Ken Anderson vs. Sting that something very interesting starts to happen. I caught myself creeping up closer to the screen while I watched it, as it almost literally sucked me in. Ken Anderson, in his role as a the cocky little fuck head who has mocked and prodded Sting for a month now by imitating him and pissing on everything Sting stands for. Sting, who wants and NEEDS to keep the title simply to keep it out of the hands of Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, who he knows will bury the company if they ever have complete power. Say what you will about the Stinger, but his motivations and his character at this point are without a doubt the most interesting in TNA as he frays at the edges with the stress of fighting a one man war against Hogan and Bischoff and resorts to covering his victims with blood red paint to send his message.

This is good shit right here, kids. Please don’t let it get fucked up.

Matthew: Sting has been driven insane. Love it. Also love how good Anderson looked as Old Sting. Got me pumped.

 
This May Or May Not Be Matthew.

 
Segment 2 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Gun Money © vs. The British Invasion.

Cewsh: You may be asking yourself, who is Gun Money? What the hell? What the hell happened to my beer?

Well that’s an excellent question, alcoholic who lives in the dumpster next to 7-11. Allow me to explain.

See, the reason for the different line up tonight, is because Robert Roode recently got injured, and Eric Bischoff, trying to scheme the belts off of Beer Money, insisted that they must defend the belts here at Slammiversary whether Roode is healthy or not, or they’ll otherwise have to forfeit them. They were on the brink of forfeiting when Alex Shelley (who’s Motor City Machine Gun’s partner Chris Sabin is ALSO currently injured) rolled on up and out of mutual respect, volunteered to temporarily take Roode’s place for the title defense. In the weeks that followed, Shelley and Storm struggled to find any chemistry, stepping on each other’s toes constantly, and even accidentally harming one another in the process, making this an uneasy partnership going into this big time title defense.

Despite kayfabe chemistry problems, though, when these guys step in the ring together against the absolutely rock solid British Invasion, they have anything but, as both men combine their respective team’s moves and signature spots to great success as Robert Roode cheers them on from the commentary table. The Invasion are more entertaining bumping machine here than anything else, as Storm and Shelley come up with offensive maneuvers from all over the fucking place, quick as can be. I’d try my best to mention them all, but how the hell do you even talk about Motor City Machine Gun moves anyway? “Okay, in this spot they hit the guy a bunch of times and then run the ropes a bunch and then one guy holds up the other guy’s head so the guy can kick it” doesn’t exactly make me sound like the most eloquent play by play guy since Howard Cossell, but just imagine those moves, and then imagine James Storm doing them in funny and creative ways, and you’ve about got the scope of it. Towards the end of the match, though, another miscommunication spot winds up nearly costing Gun Money the titles as Storm spits the beer directly into Shelley’s eyes, blinding him and causing Shelley to mistakenly (or maybe not, DUN DUN DUN) superkick Storm into oblivion. Somehow they manage to rally though and defeat their rivals in the end, leaving us to wonder what will become of this partnership now that the title defense is done with. Storm may be getting his partner back, but Shelley is none so lucky. Perhaps intrigue abounds?

It must be said that this is just about the perfect opening match to a TNA PPV. You get two faces the fans adore and match them up with two heels that are competent and know what to do to let the babyfaces shine, and then you give us 10 minutes of great and entertaining action with the faces winning. Its textbook, its feel good, and it gave this show exactly the boost it needed right out of the gate. Awesome.


 
81 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.


Matthew: Christy looking good. Also sounding…. wait it’s on mute, good decision. Out come the British Invasion which I love. Head waggles and accents, does it get better? No. Then you have BEER MONEY come down with Alex Shelley because Bobby Roode is injured, of course.

Wait… Bobby? What the hell is that! Bobby sounds like a dimwitted child, and makes me think of Bobby Hill, whose main offensive weapon was a kick to the crotch and screaming, “THAT’S MY PURSE! I DON’T KNOW YOU!”  Robert sounds sophisticated, and fits a robe-wearing rich man. While Bobby sounds like a man who may come out in a diaper. I mean, Bobby, seriously? I am so enraged right now it is not even cool. IM STILL CALLING HIM ROBERT.

Alright opener here, with the story being that Shelley and Storm are newly teaming and working out some kinks. Some interesting spots with Beer Shelley The Brits are just…. there. With Roode on commentary and the focus on Beer Shelly Inc, they barely get to do anything noteworthy here, which is upsetting because I need some head waggles. Storm spits beer accidentally into Shelley’s eyes, and Shelley then accidentally superkicks Storm. That was their only fuckup as a team, while The Brits had multiple things backfire on them. Something bugged me about that. But it was decent. Pizza.

Gun Money Over The British Invasion Following The Shinarui.

Segment 3 – Scott Steiner.

Cewsh: Scott Steiner. What is best in life?

To win other people’s nicknames in matches, to nail people’s girlfriends and show them what a real man is, and to wear sunglasses at night.

There Should Just Be Whole Shows Dedicated To This.

Is their anything in all the world better than when this man finds someone with a microphone?

Matthew: Scott Steiner calls us all white trash and tell Matt Morgan that he is going to bang his wife. Another day another dollar.


Segment 4 – Matt Morgan vs. Scott Steiner.

Cewsh: Unfortunately, Scott Steiner is not as entertaining in the ring at this point in his career as he is on the mic, and Matt Morgan has been suffering from a very significant case of “Mypushsucksass” for awhile now, and it may be inoperable. They aren’t really fighting here for any sort of significant reason, and as a result, they don’t really do anything hugely important with their time here.

They have a nice little friendly brawl, and the fans go nuts for Steiner because he’s such an amusing bastard at this point, but there’s nothing here to draw the eye or impassion the mind. It was over before I thought to wonder why it had started.

68 out of 100.

Matthew: 2 BIG HOSSES HERE. IM STRONG. NUH UH IM STRONG. This match exists, that’s about it. I am just glad Scott can still move, and that he does. Every now and then he busts out something wacky, like his frankensteiners and such. In this match he pulls out a VICTORY ROLL.

“I CAN’T CARRY THIS MUCH AWESOME AT ONE TIME.”

Things like that make me wish Scott just goes all X-divison and have promos about doing his FLIPZ and breaking my trailer and banging my wife. Matt Morgan is all like IM STRONGEST and then kicks the shit out of Scott’s face.



Matt Morgan Over Scott Steiner Following The Carbon Footprint.

Segment 5 – J Ha Ha A Ha Ha Double R Ha Ha E Ha Ha Double T.

Cewsh: Jeff Jarrett is backstage with Jeremy Borash and he delivers a promo that is so dripping with crazy that it should be sent to an institute somewhere to study. The gist is that he hates Kurt Angle sooooooooOOOOoOoOoooOoooOoo much that he is going to take away Kurt’s gold medal and even force him to put it around Jeff’s neck at an elaborate ceremony when he wins tonight. Which is pretty humiliating, sure, but perhaps not quite as bad as the time that Chris Benoit stole it, and then wore it cupped gently against his balls for a few weeks.

In fact, come to think of it, why would you even want those now?

Matthew: I have nothing to say here.

Segment 6 – TNA X Division – Abyss © vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Kazarian.

Cewsh: Okay, the idea here is that Eric Bischoff got so fed up with these X Division kids that he sent Abyss to take their title and keep it for good, since none of them would be able to beat him. Naturally the X Division guys took this slightly amiss, and they are led by the twin forces of Brian Kendrick (who is batshit insane but has tons of heart) and Frankie Kazarian (who has lots of experience and has a grudge against Abyss). After a few weeks of bandying words, Abyss just out and out challenged both of them to a match at the same time, because he’s hard like that, and that set up this unlikely triple threat match.

First of all, I would like to point out that these guys all have awesome entrance music. That may not seem like a big deal, but entrance music in wrestling seems to have been getting more and more haphazard and uninteresting in recent years, and TNA and Dave Oliver really seem to be nailing it. This includes Abyss’ new more generic music, which isn’t as strictly cool as his old music, but which gives him a really refreshing new tone to his character that is incredibly welcome.

Oh right, the match! Yeah, yeah, it was there, absolutely. See, Kendrick and Kazarian went into this match with the plan to gang up on Abyss, knock him out of the match, and then decide it between one another, so a real X Division guy wins the title back. From the start, this plan works pretty well. Abyss knocks them around like tennis balls at a bored yuppie’s house, but they inevitably dogpile him and put him out to the outside, and then set upon trying to beat each other to win the title before he recovers. Unfortunately for them, this is a more difficult process than they anticipated, and after they lay in some devastating moves on one another, Abyss just pops back in, grabs the pin and saunters off, making them realize that they got outsmarted by a hobo. Not their proudest moment.

This was a good match, and it told a very simple story and progressed it without blowing their wad so early in the show. The backstory here is really strong, and cruiserweight bully storylines will always work for me, just because its so much fun to watch. Add that to the very unexpected career revival of Abyss, and you have a good match here with a lot to be happy about.

Wait, did I just compliment ABYSS?

He’s Like A Really Ugly Puppy Dog. How Can I Be Mean?



74 out of 100.

Matthew: So, the X-division is being held hostage by Abyss here, and not only are Kazarian and Kendrick fighting for their pride and peers, but they are also fighting each other. Abyss has been discussing the ART OF WAR, so his plan here is to divide and conquer. This strategy works when he can wedge that divide in there, but the 2 pretty white boys keep coming back to take him out, which they finally seem to. THEN WHAT DO WE DO. OH YEAH FIGHT EACH OTHER.

Well, while that happens, Abyss probably has a breather and hamburger and then easily divides his 2 foes to win back his XTREME title. THE ART OF WAR, Kendrick, you already read this! Next time I will request a book report when you finish.

Abyss Over Everyone Else Following An Opportunistic Pin.

Segment 7 – Samoa Joe vs. Crimson.

Cewsh: Alright, now this is my shit right here.

Ever since, well, last month I suppose, we have been championing the rise of Crimson as a breath of fresh air and a very interesting thing to behold. But while we’re excited as can be about the rise of Big Red, there is one man who is quite perturbed to see someone with a winning streak of that caliber in his house, and that man’s name is Samoa Joe. So Joe challenged Crimson to a match here, to humble the new kid, and show him who the real undefeated marvel is around here, and Crimson accepted because, seemingly, he didn’t own a tv in 2006.

They get in the ring together, and its like two trains colliding as they immediately start whaling on each other with HARD shots, and the crowd immediately launches into chants of “Joe’s Gonna Kill You”. Crimson gets the upper hand though, and starts working Joe over, with his unorthodox offense. Joe seems stymied that this kid is giving him such a tough time of it, but he gets his wits about him and shuts Crimson down with a nasty Dragon Screw, and starts going after Crimson’s left leg, doing things to it which really shouldn’t be legal in the more civilized countries. Crimson fires back with an Exploder Suplex and a Double Arm DDT which puts Joe back on his heels, but when he goes for the Red Sky, Joe floats over into a NASTY backdrop suplex right on Crimson’s head, and an even nastier lariat, that almost sends Crimson all the way out of the ring.

Double OOF.

Somehow Crimson kicks out, despite that being enough punishment to make Kenta Kobashi say “Nah, I’m good” and now Joe is getting visibly frustrated.

Joe starts abusing Crimson with open hand slaps to the face, but Crimson answers right back with slaps of his own, impressively standing up to Joe, who is finally starting to stop underestimating him. Too late though, as Joe comes charging out of the corner only to have Crimson lift him up into the lights and drop him down with a Red Sky. 1…2…3, the unbeaten streak rolls on.

Crimson has a long uphill road to the main event ahead of him. They’ve handed him an unbeaten streak gimmick an he has monstrous shoes to fill considering the two people who made it work before him. But matches like this, where he takes a huge amount of a abuse and keeps coming, are exactly what is going to make this whole thing work. Taking Joe’s biggest shots and not backing down made Crimson look like an incredibly badass, as did Joe treating it like he couldn’t believe this young kid wouldn’t just fold up and go away. Alternately, this match made Joe look like the steamrolling killbot he has rarely been able to summon of late, and the fans responded immediately to everything that he did. After the match when they shook hands and Joe pulled Crimson in letting him know that there would be a sequel, you could hear the fans stirring.

Awesome.

Keep an eye on this, kids. This could be a big ticket rematch down the road.

This match was successful on every level. Can’t wit to see where Big Red and Big Samoa go from here.


82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Matthew: Crimson has not been defeated. Samoa Joe was all like, “YEAH BEEN THERE DONE THAT.” Joe isn’t going to let some young punk like CRIMSON outdo him, so Joe has set out to end this streak. So Joe gives the punk a BEATING. Crimson is all like “YEAH OKAY DUDE WHATEVS” and takes what Joe dishes out, and keeps Joe down for the 3 count, after which Joe tells Crimson that they will do this again, while shaking hands. Joe then puts his giant napkin (he’s fat) around his neck and leaves.


Crimson Over Samoa Joe Following The Red Sky.

Segment 8 – Angelina Love Is Catatonic. Which Is To Say, About The Same.

Cewsh: Okay, so the deal with Angelina Love seems to be, according to this promo, that some of the time she is entire a robot under the control of Winter, but other times she is a totally free thinking individual who just now has a brainwashed fondess for Winter. Or maybe she and Winter are really lesbian lovers and sometimes Angelina just does a robot a impression because it gets Winter all hot and bothered? Or maybe Angelina IS a robot, but one that has been designed to look an act like a human, only during interview segments.

CHARISMA!

Or maybe this storyline just blows.

Matthew: Zombie Angelina is backstage and Winter tells her the plans, and tries to give her some pills. Angelina declines.

Borash totally asks Winter for the pills when the camera is off, I heard it.

Segment 9 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Mickie James © vs. Angelina Love.

Cewsh: I’m not going to beat around the bush with you here. This match sucked. It sucked SO BAD.

See, every month, we do this TNA review dealies, and every single month without fail I come and tell you all about how Mickie James is having ridiculously bad matches where she botches all of her moves and is in danger of seriously hurting people, and yet every month, TNA keep rolling her out and giving her ten minutes to try to wrestle her way out of a paper bag. She is never, ever successful, and at this point the paper bag has a Goldbergian winning streak over her, giving us matches that range from “what the fuck is going on here?” to “why would they do this to us?” But here, oh yes here dear reader, they give us both.

Angelina Love comes out to the ring in robot mode again, and Mickie comes down dressed as a cowgirl, which gives me a pitch idea for a movie called Cowboys vs. Robots where all they do is circle each other for a few minutes and then fall down. They set about this script idea with great gusto, and quickly run into a problem. See, in Mickie James matches, Mickie rarely sells and spends most of the match on the offensive. But Angelina Love is a fucking brainwashed robot, so she just straight out no sells every single move done to her. As a result, we have a no sell Mexican standoff that only ends when Mickie James inflicts a move on Angelina which has to be called a DDT, because calling it a “fall down gently on Angelina’s neck” would be too depressingly accurate.

GLaDOS: “Look at you, soaring through the air majestically. Like an eagle… piloting a blimp.”

I’ve tried to be nice. For month’s, I’ve tried to be gentle with my words, and be laid back and hope that Mickie would get better when presented with quality opponents and all, but this is getting out of hand. Every time she goes for her finish, it is a horrifying botch, and every match she has is like a collection of random moves that doesn’t go anywhere. I realize that I am simply a humble reviewer with no wrestling experience of my own, and as such I rarely, if ever, pass judgment on the actual wrestling ability of any wrestler, instead focusing on judging individual performances in terms of their entertainment value. But with that said, I am comfortable making a sweeping generalization here if you will indulge me for a moment.

Mickie James is the worst wrestler working in any major company today. She brings down the credibility of women’s wrestling more than Harvey Whippleman as the champion. Please stop inflicting her on us. Thank you.

This Guy Probably Agrees. He Won A Contest To Time The Matches And Eat Chips. He Seems Cool.

31 out of 100.

Matthew: I would love to describe this match to you, but I am still laughing at Mickie James just kinda gently putting Angelina down with her “DDT”. Then after Mickie wins with that, Winter and Angelina attack her for not tucking her in properly and fluffing her pillow.

“Its Fluff, Fluff, Smooth, Bitch.”
Mickie James Over Angelina Love Following Something Vaguely Resembling A DDT.

Segment 10 – The Wheel of Rape.

Cewsh: Welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen, as we have our host Bully Ray here and the TNA roster looking on anxiously as he’s about to spin the WHEEL….OF….RAPE. As you know from being consistent watchers of the show, the way the game is played is Bully Ray will spin the wheel, with the name of every member of the TNA roster on it, and whoever’s name it lands on, Ray will threaten to rape them. Then they will win fabulously fictional cash prizes. So with that said, let’s get our man out here and have him spin that wheel!

Round And Round He Goes, Who He’ll Rape, Nobody Knows.


Segment 11 – Last Man Standing Match – AJ Styles vs. Bully Ray.

Cewsh: …wow.

You may recall from previous reviews, that Bully Ray has been absolutely electric since his incredible performance against Devon earlier this year, and its absolutely true. He has been hitting all the right notes in ever promo and match that he has had since, and has emerged not only as the best heel in TNA, but also as its most consistent singles act. Here, we have the culmination of a feud that dates back to before Lockdown when Ray tried to put Styles out of wrestling at the behest of Immortal only to have AJ come back again and again to ruin Ray’s fun. As such, Ray has come to absolutely hate Styles, viewing him as a symbol of how soft and pathetic the wrestling industry has gotten since his heyday, and that leads directly to this Last Man Standing Match, to prove which one of them really is a man, and which is just a boy.

Now if you ALSO recall any time that we have ever reviewed a match in where AJ Styles gets fucking pissed off, you may also be better prepared for the wild monkey fisted ass kicking that AJ came out of the gate prepared to deliver here, which would put you a few steps of Bully Ray, who takes boots to the head from about 7 different directions at the same time before he even realizes the match has started.

Shown: Bully Ray Getting Kicked By 7 Ninjas At Once.

See, AJ Styles is a weird case. In your average match, he’ll be as stone faced and unemotional as the most skilless spot monkey. But if you get him into a match that becomes an emotional brawl, he summons from somewhere more babyface fire than I have ever seen from any human being that doesn’t walk the King’s Road. He’ll take any punishment, he’ll perform any feat.

Like Flight, For Example.

He’ll sell like death, but fire up to the extent that it gives you goose bumps to watch while begging his opponent to give him his best shot. He is, in those moments, the best babyface we have in wrestling. And up against what Bully Ray is, and with great chemistry between them to boot, this quickly goes from “good match” to “jaw dropping spectacle”.

These guys beat the hell out of each other all over the ring and all over the outside and all over the ramp, until finally AJ Styles sets up Bully Ray on a table and goes to climb the scaffolding. “Oh shit” we say as he gets pretty fucking high. “He’s going to splat Ray!” But then AJ frowns and climbs one rung higher. “Oh fuck” we say. “This is going to be nasty.” Then Styles frowns again and climbs one more rung. “Oh fuckshit” we say. “That’s looking dangerous.” Then Styles’ eyes light up and he spits at Ray and climbs one more rung. “OH CHRIST” we say. “HE’S GOING TO DIE!”

And then he leaps.

Bully Ray gets splatted as thoroughly as possible. But in a last ditch effort, he notices Styles bent over in front of him trying to get up, and by instinct Ray pushes out with his foot, sending Styles stumbling forward and crashing right through the wall in front of him. Both men are down and out, but summoning all the bastardness inside of him, Bully Ray somehow makes it to his feet to win the match, as a defeated Styles lays broken on the ground, outdone by a veteran’s instincts. Ray, for his part, wears a look that is both full of pain, and full of grudging respect for this man that he underestimated, who nearly beat him at his own game through pure heart.

Now That’s A Man Who’s Been Through A Fucking WAR.

This match fucking ruled. Something that I feel like has been missing from wrestling in recent years is matches that are truly emotional. Not just matches where people get beaten up, or ones with a story, but matches where the two performers make you feel something through the strength of their performances. Ray and Devon did it earlier this year, and this match actually topped it. Simply put, if you only watch one TNA match this year to see what the best of the company is for 2011, the discussion starts and stops here. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars, proceed directly to this match.

You can thank me later.


91 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.


Matthew: This match is fun. You have AJ STYLES, who always brings it. You have Bully Ray, who has been bringing it better than anyone else in the company, HE’S A FREAKING WRECKING MACHINE KID. You mix that up with a decent gimmick like LAST MAN STANDING, and you have a terrific little encounter here. AJ is out to prove to Ray that AJ IS A MAN. He does a headbutt, and sells his own pain on it, because he is a fucking MAN. Being a MAN, he lets Ray DESTROY him with some chops, thus validating him being a MAN. Penis not necessary, just take some chops.

This match flows pretty good and the aggression is built up nicely. Bully gets hit with a chain and bleeds. They fight some more to the top of the ramp, where Bully Ray starts napping on a table while AJ starts climbing up shit to drop the MASSIVE ELBOW from a steel structure. Usually these things are done near padding or something, this wasn’t. AJ just straight up lands the elbow on Bully Ray. While AJ struggles to get up, Bully gives him a quick push in the ass to shove his head through part of the set.

Ow.

There was a little flub here, since AJ was on both feet right before this, but it was still awesome. Awesomely booked I feel. Even the impact zone was pissed at BULLY RAY winning. Why did I like it? Because AJ didn’t come off looking weak at all. Both men come out stronger than when they came in. I call that a win.

Bully Ray Over AJ Styles Following One Helluva A Match.

Segment 12- Why Does Everyone Molest Borash?

Cewsh: He’s going to have one helluva sexual harassment suit to file when he quits this job.

Jeepers, Creepers. Where’d You Get Them Peepers?

In between molesting Jeremy Borash, Ken Anderson talks about how he’s done with the games and trying to get inside of Sting’s head, and now its time to just beat his ass like he promised he would. Also everyone seems to be suggesting that there will be no tricks or shenanigans involved here, which makes the probability of there being shenanigans rise from 98% to 100%.

Segment 13 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting © vs. Ken Anderson.

Cewsh: The story between these two dates back seemingly forever, though not even to the beginning of this year, if you look at it technically. For months earlier in the year, Rob Van Dam, Ken Anderson and Sting wrestled each other in varying combinations of dull and uninspiring matches. When it became Anderson’s turn to face Sting in a singles match for the title, though, he took an entirely unique approach to it. He began dressing and acting like bleach blonde surfer Sting from the 90s, and wrestling Eric Young dressed up as the Great Muta and bizarre (and awesome) things like that. This pissed Sting off quite a bit, but his focus remained on retaining his title because, as he put it, “Me holding this belt is the only thing standing in the way of Bischoff and Hogan running this place.”

I’m not going to say too much about what happened in the ring here between the opening bell and the finish because, frankly, I don’t want to. Remember how I used the words “dull” and “uninspiring” up there in that last paragraph? Yeah, just apply them in liberal doses here also. But that isn’t the real story anyway. Towards the end of the match Eric Bischoff suspiciously makes his way to ringside to cheer on Anderson, seemingly because he is desperate to get the title off of Sting at any cost. He plays nice until Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop. Then, as the referee counts, Bischoff leans in and slaps the mat, causing the ref to stop the count, but causing Sting to think that the match was over since he wasn’t looking at the ref.

Ref: “It Was Only Two!”
Sting: “I Am A Creepy Old Manclown.”
Eric: “Come at me, bro.”

Sting then promptly walks into a Mic Check and just like that, Ken Anderson is our new World’s Champion.

The Things That Happened Between Them In The Hotel Room Later Are Unspeakable.

The thing about the ending is that if you watch the ref count thing TWO times, then not only do you get it, but it seems like kind of a genius idea. But there’s one problem with that. The crowd can’t watch twice. So what the CROWD saw, was Sting pin Anderson for an audible three count, followed by some confusion and then he suddenly lost a match everyone thought was over. As a result, the crowd suddenly, and promptly dies and stay dead for the rest of the night. So while I can definitely see what they were trying to do, it just wasn’t a good idea for the finish to this match and it wasn’t presented in a way that flattered it.

So let me put this question to you. When was the last time a TNA World Championship match didn’t end like this? Too long.

64 out of 100.

Matthew: Sting wants to keep the title so Hogan and Bischoff can not fucking with his legacy or fire him or whatever he is afraid of, I am not exactly sure. Anderson just wants the title and to have a bit of fun. Sting comes out with his facepaint looking like he just had a tazer part with Jeff Hardy.

Meep!

Match was alright, back and forth usually stuff. finishers and teases. Then ANOTHER flub with the count. Bischoff (at ringside to distract Sting) make an extra count during the ref’s count for a pinfall. This throws off Sting, the ref, and well…. everyone. I think I know what was meant to happen, but am still not sure what actually did happen.

HEY MATTHEW YOU DIDNT REALLY DISCUSS THIS MATCH MUCH. Yeah, you are correct. I like watching these things, and the ‘garbage’ people talk about TNA just makes me laugh. Pro-Wrestling has always been ridiculous to me. But, something slightly irks me when it comes to botched finishes. There have been 3 or 4 here. I would love to remember the great highlights from the match, but the ending FLUBS take me away from the good memories. Stop IRKING ME GUYS.

Ken Anderson Over Sting Following Shenanigans.

Segment 14 – Olympic Gold Medal vs. Number One Contendership Match – Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett.

Matthew: FINALLY. THIS FEUD IS ENDING. RIGHT? LET’S HOPE. No Karen (A-1 Ballbuster), no Chyna, no kids, no silly rules. Just Jeff & Kurt. Kurt knows he is better. He has had Jeff beaten and destroyed multiple times, but there has always been something that screws Kurt over. So he has to keep this feud going. Jeff is such a dick. fucking SUVs. I bet this will continue when Kurt GOES GREEN and is filled with anger over Jeff and his petrol pounder.

These guys have a straight up wrestling match, It is pretty fun. I wouldn’t say it is better than their previous encounters, but those were more interesting because Kurt is mental and likes to do crazy shit during matches. This is still good, just nothing mental, which is really good for Angle really, so I do not mind. After some finishers, elevated finishers, submissions, suplexes and a guitar shot, Angle finally reverses the tide, both with the ankle lock he reverses on Jeff, and in the feud with Jarrett helpless, and finally taps out.

YUS!

KURT DID IT. His rival is broken and beaten, finally. That asshole will probably need an ambulance, which isn’t also good with the MPG, that bastard.

Cewsh: I was going to make a big deal out of this match and how it’s the blowoff to the biggest storyline of the year here in the main event of the second biggest TNA show of the year, that finally blows off a storyline that has run since last October, but you know what? They went ahead and had another blowoff match on free tv the very next week, so what’s the point?

Kurt wins.

Woo.

It was good.

75 out of 100.

Kurt Angle Over Jeff Jarrett Following An Ankle Lock.
————————————-
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Well this was an interesting show. I would have to say that, the women’s match notwithstanding, this was TNA’s strongest PPV effort of the year by a country mile, and the undercard is full of just so many intriguing elements and developing characters. As usual, though, the haphazard main event scene filled by the same shit for months on end regardless of whether its working or not does its best to drag this show back down into the doldrums no matter how hard everyone before them worked to make it special. With the average age of the main events hovering around 41, this is something that may change soon if we’re lucky, but for right now, things are stale, and they need some help.

But let’s not focus on the negatives. The tag division and the X Division both produced in a big way tonight, and Styles and Ray made art in the ring on this night. That shouldn’t be forgotten. TNA is on an upswing, believe it or not. And I haven’t had this much fun watching one of their shows in months.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 70.75 out of 100.
Matthew Memorium:

Matthew: This PPV had some solid wrestling throughout. It looks like some storylines are moving on, and characters are still evolving. The FLUBS that haunted this PPV really did knock it down a peg for me. Just one peg though.

I rate this PPV Vanilla Wafers because they are delicious but i could live without them. I love you guys, bye.

Now Happy America Day, fuckers.

Alright, that’ll do it for us this sunny summer afternoon ladies and gentlemen. We hope you enjoyed us letting the rabid Peach Monster off the leash for awhile, and hopefully you also enjoyed my hopes getting up about TNA again (check back in six months for another crying tantrum about how everything went wrong.) Tomorrow we tackle WWE Capitol Punishment 2011, and in doing so will, at long last, be caught up to the present time and ready to service you as is the custom of our people. So until then, remember to keep reading and be good to one another!