Monthly Archives: June 2011

WWE Over The Limit 2011

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…
WWE Over The Limit 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review blog that isn’t pro puppy kicking (its true, I have pictures) Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you here tonight as we are off and running into the summer of wrestling, and are well on our way to extending an entire year’s worth of driving metaphors with WWE’s Over the Limit 2011. Tonight, the Miz finds himself trapped in what has become John Cena’s signature match, the I Quit, Randy Orton and Christian will clash again to see who the better man really is, and in the main event, Sin Cara will do his best to battle against the indestructible force that is Chavo Guerrero. It’s a stacked show (so is your mom) and more importantly, its our first WWE show back from vacation. So, you know, exciting!

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

First and foremost:

Rest In Peace, Mr. Savage.

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: It’s the summer time now, more or less (summer in WWE terms meaning the time between Wrestlemania and Survivor Series in November). Summer in WWE means that you never know what you’re going to get from them in terms of effort. Sometimes things will be up to their high standards and sometimes they will mail that shit in so thoroughly that you will think Karl Malone took over the production team. Here, luckily, they go for it and produce a video built around the two title matches that makes them look incredibly important, and puts special emphasis on the Christian/Orton match, and Christian’s long strange road to the main event. Its compelling, its concise, its good shit. Rock on.

Segment 2 – R-Truth vs. Rey Mysterio.

Cewsh: “Its all about parking lots” said the mad hatter of promo cutting prior to his match with new found rival Rey Mysterio. You see, when he arrived at the arena on this very morn, he was aghast to discover that he was bereft of his usual parking privileges.

C-O-N-SPIRACY Victim.

As a result of this tragic oversight, he was forced to park with the mindless riff raff attending the show and walk in the rain, which, as the good man says “may be good enough for you stankville hippies in Seattle.” He feels, unlikely though it may be, that this is indicative of the greater conspiracy he has theorized of previously. He then alerts the fans to the fact that he feels this to be their fault, as his persistent attempts to entertain their children named Jimmy have not netted him significant profit in the past. But he refuses to be daunted by this and go “cuckoo”, because he is, in fact, an adult. Rey Mysterio, for his part, is not an adult, seemingly. As a result, R-Truth will be taking his position of relative importance on the card. He wishes you a nice day.

Fuck I love R-Truth and his crazy promos. He actually got me laughing out loud when he said, very solemnly, “I don’t play games. Games for kiiiiiiiiiiiids.” Another fun fact? Before the match even started I had to mute the audio because the commentary was mind numbingly hard to listen to between Lawler and Cole. Off to a good start.

These guys get going and I’m going to be honest, I really, really enjoyed this match. R-Truth is a miserable face wrestler because the crowd never really got into him and he has too many different signature moves with no real set ups so the crowd couldn’t pop right for them. But as a heel this is a fantastic quality, because it makes him come off as dangerous, and the crowd HATES him now, which puts so much heat on the whole deal. So playing off of this Rey and Truth just have themselves a really fun and laid back opening match where they fly around the ring and gel really well together. It was a great choice to start the show and a great use of both guys. Oh, and when R-Truth wins and no music goes off, that is just such a different thing for WWE and it makes him stand out in such a positive way.

I’m so far on the R-Truth bandwagon at this point that I’m actually driving it. And we’re going to Tijuana.

79 out of 100.

R-Truth Over Rey Mysterio Following The Truth and Consequences.
Segment 3 – Mizzy Has A Secret.

Cewsh: The Miz has apparently developed a master plan to defeat John Cena in their I Quit match tonight. A plan that comes as the result of him being smarter than all the people that John Cena has beaten in those matches before combined. Seeing as those people also chose to fight John Cena in an I Quit match they obviously weren’t all THAT smart, but he seems proud nonetheless. But will he tell us his master plan? Nooo. Its like he wants it to be a surprise or something. I wonder what it could be. Remote controlled cheeseburger? Threaten to burn his rap albums? Jesus with a knife (which may be funnier if you DON’T remember the club fiasco from years back)? I DON’T KNOOOOOOOW.

Maybe He Grafted Riley’s Head On His Shoulder?

Segment 4 – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match – Wade Barrett © vs. Ezekiel Jackson.

Cewsh: At some point somebody told Ezekiel Jackson that it okay to do nothing but body slam people over and over and that that would work as a signature move. Now I don’t mean he does a bunch of slam related power moves, as would be typical and ideal for a man of his size. No. I mean that he picks the guy up, and delivers a text book body slam like he was in day 3 of wrestling school, and does that 30 times in a row. I can even see the line of thinking. Chris Benoit got hugely over doing his repetitive German Suplexes, and Eddie Guerrero’s Rolling Suplexes are one of his most fondly remembered moves, but those were cool looking moves you wanted to see more of. This is a fucking body slam. The last time a body slam was cool was when Lex Luger body slammed Yokozuna on an aircraft carrier so far back in the day that you have to remember it in Technicolor. So yeah. Lame.

As for the match that did not involve body slams, what there was of it, it was pretty good. They want to make Big Zeke a killer, and Barrett has surprisingly good chemistry with guys who are bigger than him, selling well and producing some nice aerial offense. This match didn’t get a ton of time, so they did what they could and moved on with nothing resolved. More body slams to come.

71 out of 100.

Ezekiel Jackson Over Wade Barrett Following A Disqualification.

Segment 5 – Molestation And Other Locker Room Activities.

Cewsh: Mason Ryan and CM Punk are wandering down a hallway backstage talking about the bagels they just ate, when they happen across the Nexus locker room with McGullicutty and Otunga down and out of the floor. Ryan runs over quickly, concerned, and goes to storm off in pursuit of their attackers, but Punk defuses him with some good old fashioned boob groping.

Groping Soothes The Savage Beast.

Ryan questions whether or not Punk even cares about the Nexus members, and Punk says that of course he does, but he cares about the title more. A boob squeeze later and Ryan seems convinced, and they head off to start some serious business. But the story here is the continued evolution of Mason Ryan as a character, with him playing the role of a simple, but honorable, warrior who is brainwashed, but chafing under a way that is foreign to him. I like it. I like that shit A LOT, and I see big, big things coming from it. Mark my words.

And Remember Mason, You Keep This A Secret Or No Pony For You.

Segment 6 – Sin Cara vs. Chavo Guerrero.

Cewsh: Much has been made since Sin Cara’s debut, of his propensity for botching, with some even going so far as to assume that he’s going to be released as a result. This is purely ridiculous, but lucha is a very hit or miss style, so it has been a concern to this point.

This Will Never Not Be Awesome.

He’s been paired with Chavo, seemingly to see if that would help, and Chavo has been brilliant in working a “I taught him everything he knows” storyline where he tries to cheat to help Sin Cara against Cara’s will.

Sin Cara and Chavo get in the ring (one of them accompanied by slightly more explosions than the other) and then the lights dim down to Cara’s signature blue and gold, making the whole ring area much darker and more stylish. We then proceed to get Sin Cara doing moves one at a time with no transitions whatsoever to Chavo, while he occasionally reigns things in with a brief submission move before he is hurracanranafied again. This happens for awhile, until Cara goes for a complex hurracanrana that Chavo can’t get him fully up for, resulting in Chavo getting spiked on his face (which may or may not have been intentional, its hard to say). Then Sin Cara preens for a bit, and everybody goes home.

Okay, here’s the book on Sin Cara right now. His gimmick is cool, his moves are breathtaking, and I’m a big fan. However his timing and placement in the ring seems to be an issue. It would be easy to write this off as a lucha guy being unable to adapt, but having seen plenty of Mistico matches in the past, this isn’t a problem that usually plagues him nearly so often as a it has here, so I have to believe that its just trouble adapting and its something he can get past and improve on. I have to believe it, because he’s way too fucking cool to be shelved just because he doesn’t throw enough regular punches and kicks.

But all of my faith and support won’t make this a good match. It wasn’t. Not at all.

60 out of 100.

Sin Cara Over Chavo Guerrero Following A Spike Hurracanrana.

Segment 7 – Randy And Chrissy Sitting In A Tree…

Cewsh: Randy Orton and Christian are backstage staring lovingly into each others’ eyes while each man assures the other that they (meaning themselves) are totally winning the match tonight no matter what. It gets a little steamy.

Seriously guys, don’t leave us in suspense. Don’t worry, Todd Grisham wont tell anybody. Shh. Shh.

Segment 8 – Foreshadowing, Brought To You In Part By Fancy Scarves And Viewers Like You!

Cewsh: For some reason out to the ring comes Alberto Del Rio and he wants to talk. Mainly he wants to talk about how he’ll be challenging the winner of the I Quit match tonight because it is his destiny to blah blah blah yammedy yammedy doo. Unfortunately for him, 800 pounds of buzzkill comes lumbering down the ramp to get all up in Alberto’s face. Alberto is quite perturbed by this, so you can pretty much imagine that this is going to result in trouble of some kind.

Big Show: “You’re Gonna Get Fisted, Son.”
Kane: “Yeah!”
Alberto: “…”

(Cewsh Note: Apparently that trouble was ATTEMPTED VEHICULAR HOMICIDE. So, you know, I might have undersold it a bit.)

Segment 9 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – SK Ultra (Big Show and Kane) © vs. The Important Nexus (CM Punk and Mason Ryan).

Cewsh: CM Punk is amazing.

Have I mentioned that before?

The brilliance of the Cookie Monster knows no bounds in this match starting from the very second the bell rings and Kane comes over to begin, where Punk tags in Mason Ryan and waggles his finger scolding at the crowd instructing them that they have to wait. The man has such a perfect grasp of how to keep attention him at all times with the smallest of mannerisms, that it doesn’t even seem like he’s putting in any effort to do it.

Is That Fucking Chex Mix Over There?
DO WANT.

The man just bleeds charisma. In return, his partner Mason Ryan very much does NOT bleed charisma thus far, though the man has come a long way very quickly as far as developing a presence about him. While we’re listing off people in this match, for the record, Kane and the Big Show were the same as they always are. Dependable, enjoyable, but by the numbers. Also, the ref did a good job, the ring technicians performed capably, the ring bell ringer was right on cue, and Michael Cole caused me to put yet another segment on mute as he derailed things into ridiculous overblown rants for no reason.

The jury is still out on how the hot dog vendors did, of course. But then, it always is.

67 out of 100.

SK Ultra Over Nexus Following A Double Chokeslam.

Segment 10 – WWE Divas Championship – Brie Bella © vs. Kelly Kelly.

Cewsh: Before we get to the match here, I feel as though there are two things that really ought to be addressed before we go further.

First of all, Kelly Kelly may actually be the most underrated professional wrestling in World Wrestling Entertainment. Now before you get all up in arms, I’m not saying she’s a wrestler of astonishing quality, or even that she’s one of the best of the Divas. But when people look at Kelly Kelly they seem to either see an attractive young lady that they find likable, or a slutty bimbo who couldn’t get her bra off 6 years ago. Somewhere lost in there is the woman who has worked tirelessly for the past several years to improve in the ring, and has borne out the results by being easily the most over of all of these women with the crowd. So going in, I just wanted to be sure that we were on the same page that when I talk about Kelly Kelly, I’m talking about her as a wrestler. Not some kind of objectified blonde mass of tits floating about inside of the ring.

Boooooo. Less Talk More Tits!

Secondly, I would like to address the decision to have Michael Cole actively burying this match as it happens, referring to it as boring and not worth his time. That is our main voice in WWE telling us that Divas wrestling is shitty and pointless. When he tells us that the Miz is a saint, we know not to believe him. When he says these women with little credibility deserve even less, we don’t. Knock that shit off, WWE. Either stop having them wrestle or give them a shred of something to be proud of. But don’t keep knocking them down and mocking them to their faces while asking them to do their best with the shit hand you’ve dealt them. Its fucked up. For realz.

Oh crap, we’re almost to the end of this match review and I haven’t actually talked about the match at all yet. That is very likely problematic. Okay, so here we go, actual journalism time. KAPOW.

The match centered mostly around Brie Bella working over the arm of Kelly Kelly. I say that it centered mostly around this, because the vast majority of the 3 minutes these women were given was spent with Brie hammering on Kelly’s arm, only for her to win with a twin switch and a facebuster. So after two paragraphs of defending women’s wrestling, I can barely fill out one with information about the virtually nonexistent match here to prove any kind of point I had.

Sigh.

59 out of 100.

Brie Bella Over Kelly Kelly Following A Facebuster.

Segment 11 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Randy Orton © vs. Christian.

Cewsh: The backstory to this match is, if you were to ask me to sum it up in one word, Supercallifragelisticexpiallawesome. Luckily I have more than one word to work with, so let’s delve further. See, after Wrestlemania, where Edge successfully retained his title against Alberto Del Rio, Christian started to make a concerted run towards the top of the card to try to become the champion he had never been able to be before.

He got to the point where it looked like he was going to start feuding with Edge for the title, when trouble struck, and Edge was forced to retire due to his old neck injuries. This left a void at the top of the card, and when Christian defeated Alberto Del Rio in a ladder match at Extreme Rules, he filled it once and for all, and became a WWE World Champion for the first time in his career, while Edge cheered him on, and passed the torch to his oldest friend in the process.

So naturally Christian was riding high when he showed up on Smackdown the following week, belt in tow to make his celebratory speech. But he’d never get to finish it, because Teddy Long, in the spirit of good programming, booked him in a title match against Randy Orton that very same night. And Orton won. So then Christian, his 17 year long dream shattered after a mere 5 days, tried to take it in stride. He took his rematch here at Over the Limit and tried to convince himself and the world that he really could beat Randy Orton after all, as his patience and confidence started to fray at the edges. If he wins the title back here, then all will be well in Christian land. But if he doesn’t…

The match starts off with a feeling out process. These guys respect each other and they’re here to see who is the best, not wreck each other to bits. It becomes evident incredibly quickly that these guys are very, very evenly matched and that each has studied the other. Every time either man goes for one of his signature moves, it is instantly countered, playing on their previous contest. Christian reverses the Olympic Slam, Orton reverses Christian’s jump to the outside and punch thing, and in a brilliant stroke that caused the capacity crowd to actually audibly gasp, Christian went for the very move that Randy countered to beat him in the first match and Randy went for the very same RKO counter that won it for him, but Christian faked him out completely, nearly snatching the win then and there. All the while, as the minutes tick by, both men start to get more and more involved in the match.

Here, Randy Orton Invents A New Sex Position Called The Stretch Dongstrong.

These guys try every trick in the book to try to one up each other and they simply can’t, and both start to get visibly agitated as they struggle to find any opening to exploit. Finally Christian decides to go for the Spear, seeming altogether out of sorts and ready to commit the kinds of acts that make you turn off an episode of CSI.

If I Put A Knife In His Hand And Said He Was Mugging Someone Off Screen It’d Be Totally Believable.

Orton counters him again, and in time readies himself for the punt that will end this for good.

But he hesitates.

For the first time, Randy Orton has found an opponent he respects to much to punt and it causes him to falter. He makes up his mind to do it anyway and he eats a huge spear for his mistake. But even that earns only a two count, and Christian falls on the ground, throwing a tantrum eerily similar to those he threw in his heelish days or yore.

But Its Not FAAAAAAAAAAAIR!

He then makes his entire game plan all about the Killswitch, going for it at every opportunity as Orton struggles to fend him off. Counter, counter, counter, counter, BOOM, Orton hits an RKO out of fucking nowhere mid counter, and Christian simply never saw it coming. 1…2…3. The dream is delayed again.

Now look, I’ve been skeptical about Christian as a main eventer before and I may well go on doing so. But the story told here with Christian’s descent into desperation to prove himself and Orton’s newfound unwillingness to injure someone he respects so much turned this from a simply good match to an outright great one. Add that to the off the charts chemistry that these two guys have in the ring, allowing them to effortlessly flow from counter to counter almost faster than you can follow with your eyes, and the crowd that was ELECTRIC for every near fall of this match, and you have something absolutely special.

And They Aren’t Done. Not By A Long Shot.

If you listen to not one other word I say about this show, find this match and watch it. I implore you. Because this is exactly what we’ve been begging for.

90 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Randy Orton Over Christian Following The RKO.

Segment 12 – Kiss My Foot Match – Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler.

Cewsh: There are two things about this match that I really shouldn’t have to do much to explain. The first is why these two are feuding, since this feud has been going on for longer than the Buffalo Bills have been terrible. The second is why this is destined to not be a classic match, because c’mon. Not only are they coming off of two matches that plumbed the depths of my patience and forgiveness, but this match is a “Kiss My Foot” match, which has never been anything but randomly gross for anyone ever (notable exceptions include Randy Spears and your creepy uncle).

As they get ready for this titanic slugfest, Michael Cole comes out in a suit and promptly states that he has a doctor’s note to get out of this match (now that Jack Swagger is no longer willing to help him) which he reads at length. At the conclusion of this, Cole hands the note to the referee, who acknowledges that it is legit, and then becomes the biggest babyface referee since Earl Heber screwed Triple H as he tears that shit right up and throws it in Cole’s face.

Ref Pwned.

Lawler proceeds to beat 8 kinds of hell out of Cole while tearing his suit right off of his body (which is more than we really needed to see I feel). Cole then no sells this completely, fights back and TAKES THE ADVANTAGE to the extent that he pauses for a full minute to take off his shoe. Because, you see, Cole has some nasty stuff all over his foot that he badly wants in Lawler’s esophagus. Lawler responds to this as you might expect, by grabbing Cole’s silly ass and throwing him through the Cole Mine.

Those Things Are Shoddily Built.

One top rope fist drop later, and Cole is contractually forced to kiss Jerry Lawler’s foot.

What follows is a study in how not to do this sort of thing. First King preens to the crowd who are loving this and can’t wait to see Cole get humiliated once and for all. Then he stops, considers, and calls Eve Torres down to the ring. See, Cole has been running down Eve and the entire women’s division for months now, and Lawler wants to give her a chance to get some retribution. But the thing is, the fans a) don’t really have much invested in Eve and b) don’t really remember the storyline as it hasn’t been referenced at all outside of when it was happening and Cole has been a dick to everybody. In fairness, though, she is a distinct and immediate improvement on the scenery, and she delivers a nice looking moonsault to Cole just to rub it in.

Then King takes his shoe off and the crowd are right back with it, but then HERE COMES JIM ROSS, to also settle HIS grudge. JR has brought a bottle of his famous barbeque sauce, and promptly covers Cole with it from head to toe, which compares to sucking on some sweaty dudes toes, is like going to Disneyland and nailing every supermodel on the way there. Cole then tries to escape.

A NEW CHALLENGER.

BUT NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND, here comes Bret “The Interrupter” Hart.

Now see, Bret Hart’s attachment to this is he once beat Jerry Lawler in a Kiss My Foot match. Hmmmmm, yep that’s it, that’s the whole connection. Now the crowd is certainly happy to see him, and when he throws Cole in the Sharpshooter and forces him to suck some toes they enjoy themselves.

Warning: You may not want to be eating anything with barbeque sauce on it when you look at this.

But by this point this segment has gone on for nearly half an hour and really hasn’t gotten a more than cursory reaction. And then its over, saddening the 346 other people who had their hearts on running out next to douse Michael Cole with things.

I know that this is intended to not be some quality chain wrestling action. Hell, you know me, I enjoy the story and the flash and awe more than anything. But this was so forced that it was painful to watch, and the angle was so long dead before this that to give it half an hour here for no reason was show suicide.

35 out of 100.

Jerry Lawler Over Michael Cole Following A Series Of Unfortunate Events.

Segment 13 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – I Quit Match – John Cena © vs. The Miz w/Alex Riley.

Cewsh: This is the official blowoff to the feud that main evented Wrestlemania. Miz got his rematch with the help of Alex Riley despite simmering tensions between the two, and John Cena got to pick himself his favorite match stipulation. He chose an I Quit match, and as well he might, because I Quit has become John Cena’s definitive match, like Hell in a Cell for the Undertaker and Triple H and the ladder match for like 12 guys. Cena doesn’t lose these, and he has a title match date with the Rock a year from now, so the result isn’t much in question here, but the how is the question, as it always is with Cena.

Now the story of this match is that, since interference is entirely legal here, Riley and Miz just beat 86 flavors of fuck out of John Cena. They gang up on him at every turn, keep him from hitting big moves on the other, and shut him down like few people have been able to. Add this to the fact that the Miz turned his vicious bastard dial up to 11, and you have a match that is not only great and compelling, but which makes the Miz look like an absolute monster, having out thought Cena entirely and taking out his frustrations however he pleases. This part of the match is so fucking good that Vice actually liked it, and extracting a piece of praise from him for something John Cena does is like stealing a gift certificate for a shopping spree at a candy store from the first man cured of diabetes. But, naturally, the ending had to come eventually.

After taking 30 minutes of an ass beating that would leave Stan Hansen wondering who he could say he was sorry to, Riley holds a microphone up to Cena and asks the question, at which point Cena, with his head turned carefully away from the camera, is heard to, in an unusually aggressive way, say “I Quit”. The match is awared to Miz and the ref goes to grab the title, when he notices a tape recorder on the ground that had fallen out of Riley’s pocket.

Waaaaaaait A Second…

Putting this together bizarrely fast for a ref, he figures it all out and immediately restarts the match. At this point, John Cena is granted full hit points for the next phase of the boss fight, whips Miz with a belt all the way up to the stage, locks in the STFU and Miz promptly quits.

…okay.

I know that some may complain about the whole fake I Quit thing, and it did suck the life out of the crowd, true enough, but that isn’t even remotely the biggest problem here. I’ve accepted A LOT of no selling from John Cena over the years. A lot of hopping up and winning when he shouldn’t and shrugging off beating and whatnot. But this is one of the single worst beatings ever given to anyone in WWE history, and he treated it like it was a fucking mosquito bite. The Miz and Alex Riley put in 30 minutes of the best in ring work of their careers, only to be made to look like second rate henchmen in a Superman cartoon. This is not only harmful to the match and to the crowd, its actually harmful to their fucking careers, and it all could have been averted if Cena had just bothered to look TIRED after this was all done.

Jerk.

I’m finally really starting to see what it is that has been turning people against this man in such droves. For the longest time I didn’t and wouldn’t, but fuck man. The decision to have John Cena be a Terminator robot dropped this match 12 points all by itself. Fuck.

80 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

John Cena Over The Miz Following His Saying I Quit.

———————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: This was an odd show, made even odder by the fact that I essentially reviewed it over the course of three weeks a bit at a time because somehow I just couldn’t make myself want to see any more of it. Add that to the fact that I’m reviewing this alone because Vice and Mrs. Cewsh have both jumped ship from WWE entirely because they found it so frustrating to watch and you have a real problem that extends outside of just this review team. WWE has come to a time here where they aren’t just lacking young talent or main eventers, but are simply lacking people who are interesting to any degree. There aren’t any beloved characters. No real hated rogues. Not even any charming sidekicks. There’s just a bunch of guys who march out and try their best to make something out of nothing.

And it isn’t really working.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 67.625 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. You waited long enough for it, but I intend to make the next week well worth the wait, with the aforementioned Slammiversary Spectacular with Princess Peach, and a one of a kind with two brand new, never before seen guest reviewers that will make celebrities out of them in one night without a doubt. So keep a close eye out, keep reading and be good to one another!

TNA Sacrifice 2011

Total Nonstop Impact Wrestling Action Federation Justice League Proudly Presents…

TNA Sacrifice 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to the only wrestling blog that leaves you for a week to get busy in foreign countries and forgets to call, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we, belatedly, cover the first TNA PPV at the dawn of a new era for them, in TNA Sacrifice 2011. You see, TNA is rebranding themselves to some unknown extent from the ground up starting now and leading into the summer and fall, and nobody seems to know exactly what is going to come from the changes. Now you MAY say something like “Hey Cewsh, doesn’t that mean they’ll be padding their shows with filler until they figure it out and give us a big reveal for ratings?” To which I heartily pish posh your dish dosh. TNA would never give filler where great content would do, and this show is positively stacked with great matches such as… Mexican America vs. Ink Inc…and…and…Brian Kendrick vs. Robbie E…oh right. Hmm. Welp, fair enough then.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: In a very interesting twist that must have been hotly debated in the production truck, this video did not contain more than 40 mentions of the word “Sacrifice”. Actually, it didn’t feature many of the bombastic things that generally make up a TNA hype video. With a very simple song in the background (read: easily ignorable) they proceeded to just show Sting and Rob Van Dam preparing for their matches in their respective unique ways. They show their workout routines, the road that brought them to this point, and they made a special emphasis on how Sting, as the champion, is basking in the glow of the title and the adulation of the fans while RVD quietly focuses on defeating him. Its very much the first half of Rocky 3, and it really works here.

But they did also show Abyss’ face in this video. So negative 80 points to House Carter.

GAH! MINUS A HUNDRED! MINUS A HUNDRED!

Segment 2 – Mexican America (Hernandez and Aardvark) vs. Ink Inc.

Cewsh: Meh.

That’s right. After making you wait a month for a review of this show, I wind up for the first pitch of the game and hit the umpire directly in the balls with it. But in my defense, this match is about as worthy of thought and attention as an asparagus milkshake. Mexican America are awful in so many ways I can’t even begin to count them (again) here, and Jesse Neal tries so, so hard to make Ink Inc. matches interesting, but Shannon Moore drags him down so hard that there’s really no pulling it out of the doldrums.

Add that to the fact that Hernandez tries his very best to cripple Jesse Neal for the finish, and you have a thoroughly unpleasant opening to a show.

Aaaaaaaaand Injured.

Meh.

61 out of 100.


Mexican America Over Ink Inc. Following A Dominator Face Hugging Fuckbomb.

Segment 3 – “Wait, What Are These 10 Minutes Doing Here? Better Fill Them.”

Cewsh: So Jeff Jarrett and Karen Angle come waltzing down to the ring at about this point. Well, Jeff waltzes, but unfortunately, Karen has seemingly broken her ankle on the night of her big tag match against Chyna and Kurt Angle! What an unfortunate coincidence, and what a terrible thing to happen to a beautiful flower like Karen.

Her Beauty Is Beyond Compare.

Even more unfortunate, though, is Mick Foley rolling on out after them to call bullshit on the broken ankle and force her to wrestle anyway! She becomes so frustrated at this point, that she stomps her broken foot, which seems pretty angry indeed, but it must have helped because she walked all the way to the back without limping once. Unorthodox cures for the win!

Segment 4 – Brian Kendrick vs. Robbie E.

Cewsh: There is something interesting astirring in the waters of the X Division.

See recently Eric Bischoff has been all about finding a way to do away with this pesky X Division thing once and for all. He’s sick of people talking about how he should focus on them, and plans on treating them like the vanilla midgets they are. Brian Kendrick, on the other hand, has decided to retaliate by becoming the face of an X Division rebirth to combat this corporate bullshit that has been dragging them down. So far its already the biggest shot of life the division has had in years and years, and its all ahead of us.

This match is fairly inauspicious. Robbie E has sort of become a really minor league villain now that the push and the hype are gone from his character, but he always gives his all, and really makes Kendrick look good here as they try to reestablish Kendrick as a threat after having him be Yoda for the past 6 months. The match ends clean and then Kendrick tries his best to shake hands with Robbie, trying to create a sense of brotherhood amongst the X Division guys. He refuses, naturally, and is actually part of a tug of war game briefly before escaping to the back to figure out how to style his hair in a way that will make the push gods smile on him again.

71 out of 100.

Brian Kendrick Over Robbie E. Following The Space Tiger Dragon Superball Surprise Kick.

Segment 5 – Madison Rayne Yells At Tara A Lot.

Cewsh: At this point Tara is starting to feel as though she isn’t a huge fan of that so much anymore, and so she’d kind of like to be free of the Queen. Unfortunately Madison owns her contract, so her only real hope of getting out of it is for Mickie to beat Madison in a match tonight that will get Tara fired once and for all. But on the other hand, she’d probably rather not be unemployed. It’s a dilly of a pickle. Then Madison wanders up and yells some more, and that seems to make Tara’s mind up. She stares grimly. Its very picturesque.

And I really couldn’t care less.

Segment 6 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Title Vs. Manager Contract – Mickie James © vs. Madison Rayne.


Cewsh: Okay, so the idea here is that if Mickie James wins this match and retains her title, then Tara will be fired and Madison Rayne will no longer have her services since, apparently, Tara is only under contract to Madison Rayne, and Madison has the ability to bring people she employs onto a national wrestling show whenever she feels like it. Which must be really exciting for her housekeeper. The heavy (HEAVY) undertone here is that Mickie is doing this to do Tara a favor and release her from the evil clutches of the Killer Queen herself, which is interesting since they just had a huge blood feud at the beginning of this very year. Hmm. But anyway, onto the match.

These two come down to the ring, and while Mickie is prancing about with the title, Madison goes ahead and decides that it is lecture time.

I Think You Can Infer The Words “Bitch, That’s Mine” Pretty Clearly Here.

Then, despite the fact that Madison has ordered Tara to stay in the back, Tara shockingly elects to not stay in the back at all but to, instead, totally get involved in this match whenever she feels like it. Madison and Mickie try to ignore this and have a match, which to be honest is just hard to watch at points. Not because they’re women or because they have no skill (Madison has a great deal) but because Mickie James looks so haphazard and sloopy in the ring that I’m genuinely afraid that she’s going to hurt someone or herself. At various points in the match she doesn’t even run the ropes without stumbling, and while we expect that from our World Champions in TNA, it’s a bit of a step down for our Knockouts.

Anyway, they do their thing until Madison knocks out the referee and grabs the LOADED GLOVE from under the ring (which is naturally where we keep illegal hand wear). She tries to use it but Tara takes it away, giving Mickie the advantage. Mickie climbs the top rope to give Madison the ol’ crotch to the face and somehow the ref gets knocked down AGAIN.

Though As Far As Ref Bumps Go, It Could Be A Lot Worse.

This leads to Tara running into the ring with the glove and trying to decide which one to hit. Should she get her revenge at the cost of her job? Unemployment is underrated, she suggests, as she belts Madison in the face, allowing Mickie to pick up the win, and allowing Tara to be fired for like the third time.

She Promptly Bursts Into Tears.

The match here was really only frippery to take up time before the Tara thing, and it was fine in the manner of Mickie James matches and Godzilla attack sites, but its getting a little worrying, frankly, to see that the champion of this once proud division can’t even hit her finisher correctly more than 50% of the time. Mark my words. Down the line, something fucked up is going to happen and it’ll be too late to say I told you so.

Not that I wont anyway. Because I’m a boss like that.

50 out of 100.

Mickie James Over Madison Rayne Following The LOADED GLOVE to the Face.

Segment 7 – Fortune. Now Sponsored By Scott Steiner Inc.

Cewsh: Fortune are backstage and would love to chat, being the chatty Kathy’s they are. Kazarian is up first, and from the time he opens his mouth to the time where he dances off camera, its like an infinitely deep vortex of mind blowing shittiness comes into being directly above his left eyebrow. Here, transcribed for posterity, is his full promo:

“Max Buck, if that is your real name, you’re one of the future brightest stars in this company. But you’re in the ring with the best the X-Division has to offer. So tonight bro, you couldn’t be a star if you were thrown by a ninja. Yeeeeeeah.”

Seriously. Who let Steiner in the teleprompter room?

AJ Styles then gets on the microphone and immediately buries his association with Ric Flair, suggesting that pairing them up is never a good thing, and compares that to Tommy Dreamer associating with Bully Ray.

Then Robert Roode tells a knock knock joke and James Storm calls Chris Harris a kitty cat.

“I Don’t Think That Was In The Script, Rob.”

Those aren’t jokes. That’s just what happened. The future of wrestling, ladies and gentlemen.

“Hi Guys, I’m Here Too But I Don’t Get To Talk Or Wrestle.”

Segment 8 – TNA X Division Championship – Kazarian © vs. Max Buck.

Cewsh: I want to say nice things about this match. Kazarian, for all of his legendary promo skills, has really been trying his ass off to keep the X Division concept afloat since at this point he’s about the only guy who is actually in the division for 5 straight minutes at a time, and I respect that and the high quality of matches he’s been having in his PPV title defenses. If Vice were here, he’d no doubt tell you that Kazarian always turns it on in the big matches and that can’t be denied. Max Buck, for his part, is an incredibly young guy (buck?) with a wildly exciting future in the wrestling business. The speed with which he went from bathwater babyface who had never really been a heel, to the smarmiest bastard you could ever imagine and a solid promo and character wrestler to boot is truly something to behold.

“Me.”

So yeah, I want to be nice to this match.

For once, I’m not going to follow that up with a laundry list of terrible things about the match. I actually DID enjoy this match, though the thoroughly deceased audience made it seem less than thrilling at all of the important parts, and they did one of those sunset flip powerbombs off the apron the floor that makes me cringe every time, but that’s just two things!

OOF!

Two things are not a list! These guys had a fun match, and hey, if you wanted to listen to music while watching it, that is totally an option. Because aside from the ramblings of Tenay and Tazz, you could hear a pin drop otherwise.

77 out of 100.

Kazarian Over Max Buck Following A Shining Wizard For Some Reason.

Segment 9 – Crimson vs. Abyss.

Cewsh: Crimson has gotten a lot of flack since virtually the first time he stepped in front of a TNA camera. Here was this jacked up dude being billed as the older brother of the Amazing Red and he was thrust into the upper card from day one. So people resented him from the very beginning for not seeming all that special and yet vaulting above other deserving members of the roster.

Or Maybe They Didn’t Like His Take On Muhammed Hassan?

Since then Crimson has embarked on an impressive winning streak that has drawn the attention, and more importantly the ire of Samoa Joe, TNA’s resident winning streak champion. On the way to the showdown with Joe, though, Crimson first has to deal with Abyss, for no real good reason, except that he’s there.

For what it is, this is a fine match. Abyss is resurrecting himself after having become possibly the most terrible and stale character in wrestling history, and he seems to be clearly more motivated than he’s been in a long while, and Crimson seems to be busting his ass in everything he does, very earnestly trying to succeed at his role. I’m not sure this undefeated ass kicker role really suits him, because he doesn’t radiate menace or anything, but I genuinely have not one single complaint about him other than that. He’ll go a long way, and if he keeps working hard, he’ll deserve to.

This match is just a blip in these guys’ careers. But again, no trouble here.

69 out of 100.


Crimson Over Abyss Following The Red Sky.
Segment 10 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Beer Money Inc. © vs. The Chubby Chasers (Matt Hardy and Chris Harris).

Cewsh: This all started as a result of the whole big Fortune/Immortal feud that has quieted down for now but may never really fully die out. James Storm and Matt hardy started having themselves a war of words, with Hardy downplaying the significance of Beer Money’s accomplishments since he was, in his own words, “one half of the greatest tag team of all time”. Storm and Roode told him to bring it on and that they would gladly face the Hardy Boyz, but Matt decided to not use his brother and tap a new partner instead, one who could get inside of James Storm’s head like nobody else. The other half of America’s Most Wanted, The Wildcat Chris Harris.

Unfortunately for this match, and for the super cool feud that could have been, Matt Hardy and Chris Harris are both chubby shells of what they once were, and Chris Harris, who was never Mr. Personality, is so bland and expressionless throughout this whole thing, you’d think he was in the waiting room of a proctologist’s office, not fighting his brother turned enemy in his first high profile match in 5 years. Beer Money are, for the most part, Beer Money, so they carry things through well enough, but it bears saying that James Storm really stepped up his game here with enthusiasm and effort that you don’t usually see out of him. It was really his personality and fire that sold this match and made it as good as it was, and Roode was content to sit back and let him have the spotlight here.

Roode and Storm finish Chris Harris off with America’s Most Wanted’s (double apostrophe, nice) old finisher the Death Sentence in the end. As far as I’m concerned after this performance, it’s a fitting statement about Chris Harris’ career.

After This, Chris Harris Disappeared Into A Pile Of Cheeseburgers, Never To be Seen Again.

69 out of 100.


Beer Money Over The Chubby Chasers Following The Death Sentence.

Segment 11 – There’s A Fine Line Between A Bully And A Serial Rapist.

Cewsh: Wait, nevermind. There’s an extremely thick line between those two (hur hur). Here, Bully Ray is interviewed by Jeremy Borash and on two separate occasions he threatens to rape somebody just because he feels like it (Borash and AJ Styles’ wife, respectively).

At Least Heidenreich Reads You A Poem First.

Sandwiched in between this is a great intense promo where Bully Ray tears in Styles for being a goody two shoes who plays video games and has a family instead of partying and being a man like wrestlers used to do. Bully Ray is a baaaaaad man, but pissing off AJ Styles has not paid off for people in the past at all.

This feud is heating right the fuck up.

Segment 12 – No Disqualification Match – Tommy Dreamer vs. AJ Styles.

Cewsh: The backstory here is that Tommy Dreamer recently, and quite unexpectedly, turned on AJ Styles after a match, beating him to a pulp, and it appears to be because he is somehow being manipulated by Bully Ray. Nobody knows the details of the arrangement, but whatever it is it has a strong hold on Dreamer and has forced him into this match here tonight with directions to put Styles out of commission.

As the match starts, it becomes obvious right away that Dreamer’s heart is not in this, as he defends himself, but seems reluctant to harm Styles. When AJ locks on an armbar in the ropes, Tommy whines to the ref to get AJ off, and AJ derisively demands that Tommy actually get the fuck up and wrestle already since this is his style of match. Tommy is still reluctant, but eventually he gets angry and they start to tussle for real. They go back and forth for awhile, and for some reason it isn’t until now that I realize that Dreamer and Styles are wearing almost exact matching attire for some odd reason, and it makes Tommy look like the world’s least appealing cabaret dancer.

Tommy Dreamer. Fat. Gold. Buddha?

Towards the end, Styles sets up for a Styles Clash through a diagonal table, when suddenly Bully Ray runs in and clocks him with a chain. Christopher Daniels runs him off, but not before Tommy Dreamer piledrives Styles DIAGONALLY into the table, picking up the surprise win.

This match fell a bit flat for me, really. I’m not sure if Dreamer has the range, acting wise, to pull off this who idea of not wanting to hurt Styles but having to. I think his bits where he was reluctant were supposed to hit home more than they did, and outside of that, this was just sort of a nice, well done hardcore match with nothing really spectacular about it. The real story here is Ray and Styles and everybody knows it, and this was just a speed bump on the way to that.

72 out of 100.

Tommy Dreamer Over AJ Styles Following A Piledriver Through A Table.

Segment 13 – Kurt Angle and Chyna vs. Jeff Jarrett and Karen Jarrett.

Cewsh: Wowie.

The backstory here, for the record, is that Kurt Angle has found it impossible to get rid of the nuisance that is Jeff Jarrett with his ex wife Karen constantly interjecting herself into their feud, so he has gone out and found a “mistress” to neutralize her here at Sacrifice. Karen assumed he meant Velvet Sky (for some reason), but indeed, it turned out to be Chyna much to the shock of all, and now Karen is trapped in a match with her here tonight.

Okay, let’s accept a few things at the start of this match. First, of all, Karen Jarrett is not a wrestler, or anything remotely resembling a wrestler, and really should not be held to wrestler standards. Secondly, Chyna has not wrestled a match since October 26th 2002, when the golden abs of Hiroshi Tanahashi beat her (true). And thirdly, this feud is so stale, that if bread were to WATCH IT it would become moldy. So this match has all of those things working against it before the bell ever even rings.

Once the actual match begins, it isn’t half bad, because they faithfully follow the formula of “Let Kurt and Jeff wrestle and ignore the two non wrestlers.” This works out great for a good long while, with Karen and Chyna only occasionally making their presence known, and otherwise letting the guys get on with things, until Chyna finally gets the hot tag, and in her very first real move back in professional wrestling, produces this:

WHAT A REVERSAL!

That is followed up with an equally awkward looking suplex, and then Chyna chases Karen around until she finally catches up with her, and while Kurt looks on grinning like its Christmas morning, Chyna hits Karen with a Pedigree (or as Tenay puts it “An inverted DDT type of move”) and then locks in the Anklelock on her. Karen goes to try to tap but Jeff dives into the ring to hold her arm up as she screams at him to fucking let go. Kurt just snickers at this, locks on an Anklelock of his own, and a few humorous seconds later, this one is down in the record books, with the Jarrett’s finally soundly defeated once and for all.

Awesome.

This wasn’t a bad match by any stretch, and the ending was just about perfect with Angle enjoying every second of his glorious revenge and finally getting closure to this crazy feud that has been going since October. Karen played her part tremendously well, and if it weren’t for Chyna really just being about as bad as you’d expect her to be, this could have been even more than what it was. But what it was, was more than decent, and with what they had going against them, that’s an accomplishment in itself.

74 out of 100.

Kurt Angle and Chyna Over The Jarrett’s Following Stereo Ankelocks.

Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting © vs. Rob Van Dam.

Cewsh: Alright, now let’s settle in for this matc…

Hold on, getting a message on the screen here.

FUCK YEAH I AM!

Um, something has come up. So really quick, this match was pretty good, Anderson on commentary was really good, the finish was sloppy and nasty, and FUCK where did I put my throwing stars?

76 out of 100.

Sting Over Rob Van Dam Following The Scorpion Death Drop.

———————————–

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Hmm, interesting.

See, this was not a good show. I think you can tell from the match score ratings and the final rating that nothing really rose above “pretty good” and a few things were very much not pretty good at all. And yet, I’m not coming away from this show with my usual feelings of anger and depression at having watched a TNA PPV. There are elements here that I think are very much moving in the right direction (Crimson and Brian Kendrick especially) and this show finally blew off Angle/Jarrett which was like a lead curtain over this company for months now.

Oddly enough, the future looks bright for TNA. Better buy some shades.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 69.75 out of 100.

Alright, that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our coverage of TNA, because YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET MORE FUCKING TNA. That’s right, our review of TNA Slammiversary 2011 is coming right up, and with both Mrs. Cewsh and Vice currently boycotting the TNA product (Mrs. Cewsh because she thinks its terrible and Vice because of their treatment of Daffers), I must admit, I was at a loss going into this review. I mean, obviously my solo reviews are magnificent, but they lack that certain something. So I went on a worldwide talent search for the perfect person to help me cover the 8th anniversary of Total Nonstop Action with fire, pizzazz and bravado.

That lasted about 5 minutes.

Then I played some Halo: Reach with Matthew and BOOM THE EPIC PARTNERSHIP OF THE CENTURY WAS ESTABLISHED. So yes, for the first time ever, its Matthew and Cewsh, mano e mano taking on TNA’s anniversary show the way only we know how. Which is to say awesomely, and with the maximum possible teabagging. So keep an eye out for that, and until next time, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another!