WWE Wrestlemania XXVII

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Wrestlemania XXVII

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviewers that bring in the viewers, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as the culmination of the wrestling year (or the part of it your grandma may have actually heard of anyway) is nigh, and it is finally time for WWE Wrestlemania XXVII! Now the sheer media blitz of Wrestlemania (and our preview special if you’re a good little Cewshketeer) has probably made it abundantly clear what is on this show, so I’m not going to waste any more time hyping it for you. All I’ll say is that excitement is high among the CR Clan going in and we have champagne wishes and caviar dreams about how things may go. Will this Wrestlemania top last year’s above average show? What the fuck will the Rock actually be doing here? And for fuck’s sake, will anyone actually get made a star on the greatest stage of them all? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Wait, wait, not so fast. First its time for…


Segment 2 – Sing Along With The Rock.

Cewsh: We’re greeted to the enormous fucking crowd packed into the Georgia Dome, and the wicked cool set to look at.

That’s A Lot Of Blowjobs.

We also get the national anthem as sung by Keri Hilson, who is decidedly not Justin Beiber (but thanks anyway news rumor sites). Then, before we can expect anything else, we get a snazzy little hype video for the show like it’s a late night talk show, and out comes our host for the night, none other than the Rock.

This Hasn’t Stopped Being Surreal To Me Yet.

After about 5 minutes of getting to the ring, the Rock jumps into the kind of promo that he’s known for. Its got the catchphrases, its got the crowd participation, and it doesn’t have a whole lot else, but it gets the crowd whipped into a frenzy. He winds up talking for like 10 minutes, which is way too long for this sort of thing, but again, people paid money to see the Rock here. They got him.

MichaelC Facts: Daniel Bryan v Sheamus – Great match. I shall always think of it, when I think of epic ***** promised matches like Raven v Al Snow, Bulldog v Berzerker and that 6-man tag Mr Perfect was going to be in at X8. I feel bad for those fans that came all the way from Ireland, as seen at Access, to cheer on their main man. Sheamus is 0-1 at Mania. Bryan is non-existant.

Segment 3 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Its very likely that you know enough about me by this point in our relationship to know that there is nothing I love more than a dramatic big show hype video that gets over the feuds with a theme and style that sucks me in. It may be the single easiest way to sell me on a show I may be lukewarm on, and get me on the edge of my seat for a show I’m already into. So you can imagine my disappointment when this video just features a bunch of random clips of people set over a random song. I understand that the idea is to get over the Wrestlemania concept and I’m all for that. But fuck, man, you dedicate 8 seconds to the biggest feuds of the year? Sad face.

Segment 3 – World Heavyweight Championship – (W)Edge © w/ Chr(B)i(gg)stain vs. Alberto Del (Taco) Rio w/ Brod(y Man!)us Clay.

Cewsh: Ah, here we are, the very first match of Wrestlemania, and…surprisingly it’s the World Heavyweight title match. I can’t imagine that Vice is going to be too happy about that. The man starts grumbling when the champion comes out first, much less the title match opening the show. Anyway though, Del Rio comes out looking spiffy as always, though without his customary Shower of Superiority, and is driving a sweet old style Rolls Royce which I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN will not be tampered with in any way after they leave it on stage.

No No, Just Leave That Blocking The Entrance. No Worries.

He has, in tow, his former NXT rookie and new bodyguard Brodus Clay, who has been so marvelously efficient as a bodyguard thus far since joining Del Rio that Christian has managed to beat Del Rio twice already. Earning that paycheck. The champ and Christian are in next and awaaaaaay we go.

We get this shindig underway and Del Rio is a cocky little shit right off the bat, taunting and shoving Edge and manipulating his way into the driver’s seat of the match. No I would like to make it clear at this point that the announcing is not hugely helping this match, as Cole and Lawler snipe at each other repeatedly while Josh Matthews (who it is awesome to see announcing his first Wrestlemania) tries his best to ignore them.

Shown: The Best Announcer In Wrestling Because The Others All Suck.

Inside the ring, Del Rio starts working the arm, setting up for that Cross Armbreaker. They trade moves here and there, include a flip splash to the outside by Edge that looked like something he regretted immediately after trying it.

Edge starts firing up against Del Rio with all of his moves that contain his name in the title, but Del Rio fights back, locking in the Cross Armbreaker, forcing Edge to the ropes. Then shenanigans break out as Clay tries to get involved, causing Christian to come over and get involved, but Clay dumps him on his neck on the floor. Edge looks for the spear, but Del Rio sidesteps, and Clay plasters Edge’s arm into the ring post. Edge won’t quit, though and hits more Edge named moves, and Del Rio is so befuddled by this all that he turns around right into a big fat Spear, putting Alberto, and his legacy, to bed.

After the match, Del Rio sits on the ramp and watches as Edge and Christian grab blunt objects and look at his fucking nice car. Then Christian stands around with a pipe in his hand and watches Edge beat up Del Rio’s car for a long time, because I guess he was too tired from all the nothing he had been doing to get revenge on the man who injured him, while Del Rio does absolutely nothing to stop them. Then they wander off and Del Rio hugs his car, theoretically asking it to forgive him for leaving it out to dry.

This was really the ideal opening match on this card. The crowd got really involved and behind Edge and it made the whole show seem like it was off to a solid start. It didn’t exactly feel like a World Heavyweight title match with the Royal Rumble winner, but hey, take what you can get.

79 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: Cewsh and I disagree, but I thought the end with Edge and Christian beating the hell out of DelRio’s car and DelRio CRYING made him look terrible. Not like “oh, sad little heel. I laugh at your schadenfreude!” But like, “Wow, that guy looked like a dumbass and clearly can’t hang with main eventers.”

Other than that, I did think it was a perfectly fine match. Del Rio hasn’t really been doing it for me in awhile, I’m starting to feel like he’s a one trick pony, and his fatass lacky is terrible and fits him not at all.

I Don’t Imagine Brodus Clay Fits In Much Of Anything.

71 out of 100

Vice: I was very shocked to see this open up the show, but it made sense. With the WWE title featuring Cena, The Rock and that other random guy in the Rock/Cena feud who isn’t the Rock or Cena but happens to be carrying around a debatably coveted Crackerjacks toy, and Triple H/Undertaker being a goliath of a match, you don’t want to put them all too close together. So instead of having Edge/Rio be the second or third match and make it seem like a mild midcard attraction, why not just kick the show off in a fairly huge way?

Alberto Del Rio puts up a good fight here and has a good performance against Edge, but comes up short and does not win the title. That makes him the 4th consecutive person to win the Royal Rumble and lose the title match at Wrestlemania. Slight asterisk for John Cena who actually cashed in the title shot at No Way Out and lost, but found his way into the Wrestlemania match anyway only to lose again (wooo!).

It was a fairly good match, but nothing special overall. I could see it getting an adequate amount of praise if it was a Smackdown main event, but this is Wrestlemania. You have to do more to impress me. Del Rio will bounce back from this and still be a big player. The dude just has so much potential and has taken to the WWE style very well.

I did not like the post-match stuff at all. Edge is the face here and wins the match. Why does he need to be a complete dickhead and mess up Del Rio’s car? I guess it gives them an excuse to wrestle again, but such a thing could be accomplished in other, more logical, less dickish ways. It’s something Steve Austin could have gotten away with just fine because he’s Steve Austin, but it just made Edge look like a petty 5 year old. Why am I supposed to cheer him?

A fairly good way to kick off the show though, all things considered.

MichaelC Facts: This is Edge’s longest title reign by far. His previous longest ran from December 2007 to December 2008.

For all the talk of Christian turning heel, none of the booking that led up to this show would make that make any sense.

The last time a Spear (for anyone) won a match at Wrestlemania, it was into a burning table at Mania 22.

World Champs are 3-6 at Mania since the belt was introduced. Edge joins Chris Jericho and Triple H as the only men to retain the belt.

Batista is the only man to have won and lost a World title at WrestleMania, in 2005 and 2007 respectively. But in 2007, he was up against The Streak, so that could be why.

Alberto Del Rio is 0-1 at Mania now. Edge is 5-4, having fallen away badly after his earlier undefeated days.

Christian, on whom the match turned, is 3-4 at Mania, his last win coming over Chris Jericho at XX.

Edge Over Alberto Del Rio Following The Spear.

Segment 4 – Cody (The Elephant Man) Rhodes vs. Rey (Lieutenant America) Mysterio.

Cewsh: There are many things that could be discussed here about this match. We could talk about how Rey pretty much has the same match he always has, or about how Cody Rhodes steals Rey’s knee brace to use against him and Rey steals Cody’s mask to do the same. We could talk about the ending where Rhodes beats Mysterio (more or less) clean and in surprising fashion, or about how this storyline is clearly far from over. Those are all good and important things to talk about. But I want to talk about Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio for a minute.

Cody Rhodes was, for a long time, looked at as an afterthought. His tag team with Hardcore Holly was an afterthought altogether, he was always the one seen to have the least potential in Legacy, and once he became “Dashing” he was just another midcard heel trying to find his place. But once he got his hands on this storyline, he did what few other people could or would do, he made it work.

I mean this storyline is ridiculous for all the reasons that Vice said. But all along the way, Cody has been delivering promos and staying in character and trying SO HARD to make this work, that he’s gotten this over by sheer force of will. And he had to, because the other half of this program is Rey Mysterio, and Rey Mysterio does no one any favors. Now there was a time when feuding with Rey could do you a lot of good. He was over, he had electrifying matches, and they didn’t ask too much of him in promos and vignettes. It was a blissful time when ponies ran free in the meadows and gas was a dime a barrel. Fast forward to now, however, and he has become a liability to the people he works with. He isn’t remotely as over as he once was, he has visibly slowed down and become sloppier in the ring, and those two things have caused them to rely upon promo and acting skills from him which he, frankly, does not have.

Yes, Hang Your Head Upside Down In Shame, You Miscreant.

This match worked fine, and the storyline isn’t dead. And it is all thanks to Cody Rhodes.

Future main eventer.

70 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: Cody Rhodes deserves an Oscar, a Tony, and about a dozen Emmy’s for keeping this storyline afloat. Rey Rey deserves a swift kick in the face. The ridiculous story hurts everyone and everything it touches, but like a brilliant ray of light, Cody tries to shine through.

I want to tell you a match that revolves around a flimsy piece of clear plastic being a crippling weapon is complete dog shit, but I can’t. Every point this match earns, Cody fought his ass off for.

68 out of 100

Vice: I’d comment on Rey Mysterio coming out as Captain Mexico while keeping the colors of the American flag, but something tells me people would immediately pull the “OMG RACIST” card, despite it not involving racism, since everyone is so overly sensitive about everything these days. So, I’ll just leave it at “He looked really stupid”, I suppose. He looked really stupid.

“Captain Pedophile Will Be Back For You Later, Little Boy.”

And he’s annoying.

This storyline with Cody has me scratching my head. He has his face disfigured by Rey, so he wears a mask while trying to hide his face from the camera so they don’t see the hideous monster he’s become. Yet the mask is clear, allowing us to see his face quite.. CLEARLY. If he’s some blemished, revolting beast of a human being that doesn’t want anyone to see his face, then shouldn’t he, you know, wear an opaque mask? I could imagine him wearing a clear mask if he had his face restored to his previously dashing self, so that we could all see just how dashing he is WHILE preventing future destructions of his face.

And I’m going to bitch about this—when Cody was first selling the injury, with zero blood mind you (something that uuuusually comes with faces breaking, and if not, then they at least bleed in [strike]wrestling[/strike] Sports Entertainment to portray such a thing), Cody sells it by covering his mouth up, and I guess the very bottom of his snout too. So if the lower half of his face was what took the impact, then why cover up the top half with a mask? Either sell the top half of his face and wear the style of mask he has now, or sell the bottom and wear a bottom half Hannibal-esque mask because his smile has been ruined. Heck, cover all your bases with a Vega mask. Or something.

Basically it’s a fun concept for him to wear a mask after being bonked with a knee brace, but no matter how you slice it, something is just.. wrong. It’s confusing. Regardless though, Cody does a good job of playing his character; whatever it is. He and Rey put on a solid but unspectacular match that picks up a lot towards the end, leading to Cody picking up the win. It’s something that made me very happy. Not so much me being a big fan of Cody, but mostly because Rey lost. He is very annoying, after all.

And Captain Pedophile Retreats Back Into The Mist, To Be Underwhelming Another Day.

MichaelC Facts: Cody is 1-1 at Mania now. Rey is 4-3.

A win over a former two time World Champion should push Rhodes into contention further up the card. Bar the submission victory over DX, Rhodes’ biggest victory to date.

Cody Rhodes Over Rey Mysterio Following The Cross Rhodes.

Segment 5 – The Villain Rap/Summer Lovin’/Friday/Leprechaun Limmerick Mash Up Spectacular.

Cewsh: In order to explain this segment properly, I am going to have to break it down into its disparate parts.

Part 1: We find Teddy Long and Snoop Dogg theoretically backstage setting up for some kind of talent show. The idea of this is that the winner may or may not get to be on Snoop’s new album, which of course is already done and coming out, which is why he’s promoting it. Now judging on past talent shows of this kind, the odds of Snoop Dogg finding something he can use on a rap album from the WWE roster is like finding a wrestler plumber who can actually fix a sink. But hey, ever the dream.

Part 2: William Regal is up first and he proceeds to speak in rhyme in what I’m guessing is as close to rapping as many 40 year old British men get. Its actually not half bad, but Snoop Dogg seems less than impressed. Sorry Snoop, but if you think you’re likely to find better than that, you’re in for some trouble when…


Part 3: The Great Khali and Beth Phoenix show up in tennis outfits and sing the single worst version of Summer Lovin’ from grease that has ever been committed to any medium, and that includes the YouTube video where a guy literally farted it out. At this point you have to wonder who exactly let this act into the talent show to begin with.

This Picture Hurts My Soul A Little.

At least Regal grazed the concept of rapping, but anybody asking a cursory question to these two like “Hey, do you plan on rapping?” would have easily ferreted these two out. And not just them, but also…

Part 4: Zack fucking Ryder. The Long Island Iced Z dials up the very hippest song he can think of, which turns out to be a fanciful little ditty by a girl named Rebecca Black called “Friday” If you haven’t been exposed to this gem yet (and that seems wildly impossible) please by all means, experience it for yourself.

Seriously, If You Have Avoided Hearing This Song You Are Either Deaf Or A Wizard.

It is at this point where Roddy Piper sneaks up and justifiably crushes a coconut over the head of Ryder, shrugs and leaves.

Ignorance Is Bliss.

Snoop doesn’t seem impressed, but frankly, this is standing ovation worthy here.

Part 5: Chris Masters and Yoshitatsu come out. Masters jiggles his pecs to the beat of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” as Yoshi tries to sing along in broken English.

All The While Gazing Longingly At The Masterpecs.

I want to hate this but I can’t, because they’re too adorable. And somehow, I think this would make Freddie Mercury proud.

Part 6: Hornswaggle comes out, but naturally does not possess the ability to talk, as has been established for like 5 years now. Then, after Snoop and Teddy wander off, Swaggle grabs a microphone, conjures an Irishy beat from nowhere and begins to rap as the Bella Twins come to dance up on him. Now, not only has he just spoken for the first time, as far as we know, in his entire life, but he has just cut a rap. The Bella Twins are completely unfazed by this, and apparently just grind up on any man they see rapping.

Being A Leprechaun Groupie Isn’t Easy. No Back Support, For One.

But that’s not the only problem, see, the entire goddamn joke is that they underestimate Hornswaggle, so he shockingly busts out some awesome rhymes, and its funny. Haha. That’s the whole joke. But the rap Hornswaggle provides is worst rap I have ever heard in my entire life. This includes, might I add, the time my grandmother organized freestyle night at the old folks home (which was won by Pastor Jeffries with some choice “Your Granddaughter’s A Whore” jokes).

Truly, I am baffled at the kind of things people have to do for their Wrestlemania paycheck. There are talented people here, with serious potential. But just being in segments like this, put them one step closer to that Johnny Ace phone call in the sky. Sheesh.

Can you sum this all up for us, Snoop?

Yes, Shame On You All.

Segment 6 – The Corre (Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Ezekiel Jackson) vs. The Muster of Brohan (Kane, Big Show, Santino Marella, and Kofi Kingston).

Vice: This match was never going to be great, and it was never going to get a heck of a lot of time anyway, but a minute and 35 seconds? Seriously?

Cewsh: All 8 guys get down to the ring, things get hectic and before you know it, everybody has done their finisher and Show punches Heath Slater for the win.

Now this feud has been simmering since January and they just blew it off in 2 minutes. I can only imagine how anyone who bought this show for this must feel, but then, I have trouble imagining anyone who bought the show for it.

So fair enough I guess.

56 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: Really? Everyone got a ‘Mania paycheck for that? This couldn’t have been bumped instead of Bryan/Sheamus? Shit. Shitty shitty shit. Bad WWE.

38 out of 100

MichaelC Facts: This is the WrestleMania debut of 5 men in the match. If we can call it a match.

Kane is now 6-8 at WrestleMania, and yes, I am counting Storm/Val vs Kane/RVD. Kofi is 1-2. Big Show is 3-7, and only ever wins tag matches. Three of Show’s matches have involved Kane, but they have never faced off one on one at the show.

This was the 14th shortest match in WrestleMania history, and had it gone about another 25-40 seconds it wouldn’t even be in the shortest 20 matches.

Slater’s compatriots in this time frame? Bobby Heenan, Boris Zhukov, SD Jones, Adam Bomb….and The Big Show.

The Muster of Brohan Over The Corre Following Stuff.

Segment 7 – In Which Our Hero Confronts The Beauty, The Rival and Some Stale Pie.

Cewsh: Backstage, we find the Rock talking to our lovely Divas Champion Eve. He’s macking on her in his usual Rock way and, trying to impress her, says he’ll create some Wrestlemania magic with the very next person who walks around the corner. This turns out to be the ever vigilant Mae Young who is very interested in acquired a piece of the People’s Strudel.

Mae Young: Making People Uncomfortable Since The Jefferson Administration.

The Rock tries awkwardly to get rid of her, and finally gets Eve to lead her off and composes himself. Then he turns directly into Stone Cold Steve Austin, and for me the world fucking stops for a second. The history between these two is so thick you could cut it with an axe.

*brain explodes*

They face off, say respectful things to each other and the buzz intensifies until Austin turns and walks off, taking a missed opportunity with him.

But shit, for that one moment, whew. Goosebumps.

Segment 8 – Rand(all)y Orton vs. CM (Cock Monocle) Punk.

Cewsh: The backstory of this match started a few months ago, after John Cena single handedly disposed of the entire Nexus in one Royal Rumble match and blew off his feud with Punk on Raw. So it was an inauspicious start. But Punk came out and told Orton that he remembered the time that Orton and Legacy had jumped Punk 2 years ago and forced him out of the match to defend his World title during Punk’s very first reign when he was a cheerful babyface. So now that Punk had an army in the Nexus, he decided to punish Randy for that indiscretion. Unfortunately, though, he messed with the wrong Viper.

Week after week Orton beat Punks army and punted a member onto the disabled list until there was no more Nexus. Then came Punk. Finally, Punk resorted to holding Orton’s wife hostage to trap Orton into getting his leg destroyed with a pipe.

As the match starts, the injured leg is 100% the focus of Punk’s attack. Over and over he finds new and unique ways to absolutely murder the right wheel of the Viper. Orton tries his best to fight Punk off, but he’s just at a huge disadvantage, and every move he manages to complete just results in his leg giving out on him as he yells in frustration and pain. Punk works him over and over and over until it seems like there’s nothing left that can be done, as even the Punt fails Orton, ans he stumbles and falls mid stride, his leg giving out again. Punk goes to pick the bones with a Springboard Clothesline, and that’s the first mistake he makes all match. Its also the last one he’ll make, as Orton springs up on his one good leg and snatches Punk out of the air with a thunderous RKO for the end of times.

This match was really just damn good. Punk worked Orton over mercilessly and it never grew dull, and Orton’s selling was virtually flawless, with him even seeming preoccupied with the leg when it wasn’t necessary, giving off the feeling that he was helpless and he knew it. Just a great Wrestlemania midcard match, and the best thing this feud has provided thus far by far.

83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Mrs.Cewsh: Despite the fact that he saved the Elimination Chamber for me, I just can’t bring myself to care much about CM Punk. I think the New Nexus was a complete misstep and the buildup to this match hasn’t been that compelling. Similarly, I love Randy to death, but he’s a terrible face and can’t make me NEED to see him wrestle.

The Punker Is Not Pleased.

Both men get in the ring and have a good match. Randy’s selling of the knee was pretty impressive and Punk looked great and crazy. I do think if they’re going to continue feuding, Punk should have picked up the win. Otherwise, Orton beat the entire Nexus. Why go on? Still, the top rope RKO was a cool spot. I’m just not thinking about this match days later.

73 out of 100

Vice: Punk proved yet again why he is a spectacular talent, and Orton did fairly decently as well to put on a good match, and it was, but the ending had me in disbelief. I can understand why they gave the win to Orton here, but at the same time it just fucks everything up and made a mockery of their feud to this point. I’m not upset because it’s Punk either. It could have been Zack Ryder in this feud instead and I’d still be gawking at the decision to let Orton win. That’s all I’m going to say here, as elaborating will only hurt my brain and probably damage my poor keyboard.

MichaelC Facts: Punk is 2-3. Orton is 4-4.

Randy Orton over CM Punk Following The RKO.

Segment 9 – The Rock’s Arch Rival…

Cewsh: …Pee Wee Herman.

SWEEEEEEEEERVE

If it had been Hurricane I would have given this show a 100.

Segment 10 – Michael (The Reflection of Perfection) Cole w/ Jack (A Paycheck’s A Paycheck) Swagger vs. Jerry (The Narcissist) Lawler – Special Referee: Rock Chilly Steve Austin.

Cewsh: Look, we all know that this was not supposed to be some kind of mat classic.

When Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler started feuding all those months ago, we all knew it was going to lead to a match where Lawler would murder Cole and we’d all be able to sleep better having seen it. When Steve Austin was added to the match, the inevitable satisfying beatdown became all the more likely and exciting. And then the time for the beating finally came. Cole came down wearing a ridiculous wrestling singlet and hid in the Cole Mine booth stalling until Lawler went and grabbed him, and pressed him against the glass. This was great.

GAH!

Then Lawler got him in the ring and everything went terribly, terribly wrong.

Firstly, Cole starts to beat up Lawler. Not cleanly, as Swagger jumps Lawler first, but Cole puts a terrible looking beating on Lawler for way, way too fucking long. Then Lawler beats up Cole, but not with any passion, just sort of haphazardly. Then he puts Cole in an Anklelock and Austin jokes around refusing to let Cole tap out and lose. Then Cole does tap and loses, and then Austin has a beer party with Lawler. Then Booker T, who is a face and commentating this, gets in the ring to celebrate with them and Austin gives him the Stunner for no reason. Then the Anonymous GM emails Josh Matthews and awards the match to Michael Cole for no fucking reason. Then, for even less reason, Austin drags Josh Matthews, possibly the most sympathetic character on the planet Earth, and brutally stuns him too. Then everybody leaves us with the tatters of what this could have been. After 20 fucking minutes.

But I would have forgiven them. When they brought out Jim Ross to announce this match, I realized I was more excited to see him than any wrestler on this show.

Don’t Leave Us Again, JR!

When he was announcing I was thrilled to see and hear it, and then when the following night on Raw Cole came back I watched the rest of the show on mute. If you’re going to have Michael Cole play this character, he belongs as a talent, managing someone he can help with his heat, or as a GM himself, helping segments along and transitioning the show. What he does not belong doing, is ruining every fucking segment he takes part in by talking over everything always.

As a match, this was better than Vince/Hart, but somehow it was even more of a letdown.

So yeah, fuck this match.

18 out of 100.


Mrs.Cewsh
: What the fucking fuckshit was this bullfeces? I hope whoever wrote this ending steps on a Lego brick in the middle of the night. I hope whoever is continuing to write the Anonymous GM chokes on a bushel of pinecones. And I hope Austin is ashamed of Stunnering someone as adorable as Matthews.

No.

19 out of 100

Vice: This had potential to be one of those fun feel-good matches, but no. It went on way, way, way too fucking long, Michael Cole got way too much offense in, and the entire thing just ended up being horrible. On top of all that, the GM overturns the decision and gives Cole the victory via DQ. What the hell? It’s just the worst of both worlds.

If the match was 5 minutes of Lawler having a blast as he kicked the utter crap out of Cole in a very satisfying squash of a beatdown, and then ended up being disqualified, then at least you gave the fans what they wanted to see before pulling the rug out. But you don’t have the wimpy non-wrestler Cole work over a legend that recently gave Miz one hell of a run for his money, in a terribly long match that received tons of boring chants, and then give him the win in the end anyway. Again, what the hell?

With entrances and all the post-match stuff, this shit took up a 20 minute block of time. That’s absurd when Sheamus/Danielson got bumped from the show and The Corre 8 man tag got a minute and a half. Sure this match has been building longer, but it’s still two commentators going at it at the end of the day. Give the fans a quick feel-good moment and be done with it. Don’t fuck them over and then fuck them over again. The booking of this is just baffling.

Michael Cole Over Jerry Lawler Following Shenanigans.

Segment 11 – No Holds Barred – Triple (Double) H vs. The Undertak(ing Of Great Tasks)er.

Vice: This match was all kinds of nuts, but let’s start with the entrances.

Triple H’s was glorious. For Whom the Bell Tolls just sounds so epic, and then you factor in the shielded soldiers, the cape and the skull mask, and you have one hell of a sight.

Warning: Badass Supply Reaching Dangerous Levels.

I’m a little let down by Triple H not coming to the ring while dressed as Shao Kahn, but whatever. It was still great, even if it was sliiiiiiightly on the ridiculous side. I’m going to be honest here and say that I’m not a big fan of Undertaker’s new theme. Yeah it’s a great song, yeah it’s very fitting, but I just prefer his other theme. I like WWE branching out and using licensed music here, but I’m guessing at least For Whom the Bell Tolls will be turned into something extremely generic due to nobody wanting to pay Lars Ulrich $12 million to allow it onto the DVD.

The match starts off incredibly fast with both men going all out, and then they don’t really sell much of anything before going all out again. At first this really irritated me, but then I started thinking more about it, and it made complete sense. They both know the other is incredibly durable, and if given any sort of chance, they can be extremely destructive. With so much on the line between these two titans, I think I’d have accepted Triple H diving out of the ring via trampoline with oversized burning sledgehammer in hand and Taker countering it via lightning bolt to the dick to start the match. In fact, I think that’s the only way the match could have been made better to be honest.

Mentally Insert Lightning Bolts and Firehammers.

Again, I was slightly irritated by the number of finishers going on in this match at first, but again it made sense when I put a few seconds of thought into it. It added a ton to the story about how much of a battle it was. I know I kind of shat on Michaels/Taker II due to them being in overdrive from the beginning and it being a finisher-fest, but I think it worked a lot better in this match than in that, though this makes me want to go back and watch said match to see if I’d appreciate it more.

And Let’s Not Forget A Fucking CHAIR HEADSHOT For Fuck’s Sake.

This match had so many amazing nearfalls that had my heart skipping beats, and I found myself completely losing myself in the match. I was no longer watching the match with a monocle, pipe in mouth and stroking my beard with pen on paper creating a list of what was wrong with the match. I was a fan. I was caught up in everything. When Triple H hit his final pedigree, I was still fairly confident that Taker would kick out of it, but I just wasn’t entirely sure. I actually moved my face closer to the screen during the pinfall, and jerked back when Taker kicked out.

And then came what I will say is the most true, definitive, amazing, brilliant, heartstopping near fall in the history of WWE when Triple H hit the tombstone on Taker and did the tongue out hands on the chest Undertaker pinfall. Everything leading up to it.. everything from this match.. everything from Undertaker’s other Wrestlemania matches.. everything from Michaels/Flair.. everything from both Michaels/Undertaker matches.. everything.. I was 100% convinced that Triple H did the impossible and was about to defeat him and end the streak. I couldn’t see myself as it happened, but I know I looked like a true fucking idiot for those few long seconds. It was a combination of refusing to breathe, wide eyes, jaw on my desk, and my face 5 inches from the screen. When Taker kicked out, I actually muttered a very audible “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” before covering my mouth and looking around in complete disbelief. I’ve had moments where I’ve been in disbelief of what just happened, but never once as a wrestling fan have I ever been in a position where I’ve been so absolutely shocked and simply engrossed in a match. It was unbelievable.

Incredible.

The finish was pretty amazing as well. Undertaker had nothing left in the tank, but was still able to do a desperation Hell’s Gate. Part of me kind of wants to be obnoxious and say that the move should have caused Triple H to pass out in about 15 seconds, but such a thing could be chalked up to Undertaker simply not having enough strength to completely lock it in and shut Triple H down immediately, so he had to keep it locked in for a hell of a lot longer to slowly kill him off. I loved Triple H’s struggle, and I knew that Triple H was going to go for the sledgehammer to get out of it, so when I saw him blindly patting his hands around trying to find it, I got a big smile on my face. When he picked it up, I was thinking he’d batter Undertaker to get out of it, so him dropping it was a very nice tease.

Drama.

Triple H has had some really great sledgehammer teases over the years. I remember him grabbing a sledgehammer as Batista(?) went to powerbomb him, and as he was about to introduce metal to skull, Batista pulled the trigger and destroyed ol’ Hunter. There have been some cool moments for sure. This was one of those. Brilliant tease. Triple H tapping at the end of it kind of went against how he said he’d die trying to end the streak, so I was thinking passing out would have been more fitting, buuuut I think tapping out is more definitive. Part of me also wants to think that Triple H didn’t want to step on Stone Cold’s epic passing out toes at Wrestlemania 13, but I’m probably just being silly.

I’ve nitpicked a few things, but never have I been so into a match before, and I don’t think there’s ever been a match in America that can rival this in terms of storytelling. It had decades of story to work off of with two absolute wrestling icons going at it in front of 70,000 people with their careers winding down, which made the storytelling a heck of a lot easier since it’s much harder to make something out of very little, but I’m not taking anything away from these two. This was a five star match. An easy five star match. One of the best matches I’ve ever seen. The most I’ve ever been emotionally invested in a match.

Triple H walked out of the arena while Undertaker was stretchered out, showing that Undertaker can get beaten to death and still find a way to come out on top, though ironically he won from the bottom. I’m ridiculously excited to see what happens next year, as all of his latest Wrestlemania matches have all tied together to create one big story. And that story will continue next year, and Undertaker really could end up leaving 19-1 in another legendary match.

Another Entry In The Graveyard.

I’d also like to point out that I’m very shocked that this was not the main event. It was by far the biggest match on the card and it’s an impossible act to follow. I’ve been somewhat critical about Triple H when it comes to putting matches over the world titles. He justified going on last at Wrestlemania 18 against Jericho, overtop Rock/Hogan, because he said that the title should go on last because it’s the most important thing in the company. But then when Benoit won the title off him, he faded into the background and Triple H and Shawn Michaels ran the show with their feud, leading to their Hell in a Cell match main eventing over Benoit’s defense against Kane. Then later, Triple H and Michaels reuniting as DX to take on the SPIRIT SQUAD main evented over RVD and Edge for the title. I think there was another instance or two, but he’s headlined over the title a few times now, so in a way I was glad to see him not headline Mania even if it kind of ruined the rest of Wrestlemania by putting on such a breathtaking match. Michaels headlined Wrestlemania over the title last year, and Michaels was in all of the matches with Triple H that headlined over the title at other PPVs, so I’m blaming him for all of this. You getting retired serves you right, you jerk! But perhaps Triple H will get his rematch next year and main event it like Michaels. I really have no clue how they’d be able to top this match though.

It was just that fucking good.

Mrs.Cewsh: I wasn’t 100% sold on this until Trips started screaming at Taker to just stay down. Then it got fantastic.

The Look Of Shock And Fear Dude. Yes.

89 out of 100

Cewsh: Fuck, man. Just fucking fuck.

You know, as the steward of these fine reviews, a lot of the time its my job to give you the play by play for a match, to let you know what happened. Other times it is my job to tell you about the back story of a match, because it feeds into the match itself. Still other times, it is my job to ignore the match to go on a profanity laden rant because that’s all the match deserves. But ultimately all of these are intended to serve the same purpose. To let you know whether or not this is some shit you should seek out of see for yourself or if its just something you should know happened and not waste your time. But with THIS match, the rules of that are turned upside down. The idea that you may not be aware of what makes this match worth watching is baffling to me. You should download this match for the entrances alone, much less the clash between these two legends that has been building so well to this crescendo.

So if I don’t need to tell you whether or not to watch this, than what should I tell you?

How about this? This match got me more emotionally involved than any match I have seen since becoming (shamefully) a smark. The Undertaker has been wrestling these Mania matches for years and years without ever actually making me believe that he could be beaten. But this match is, from start to finish, all about beating the Undertaker. There is no length that Triple H does not go to. No move or weapon he doesn’t try. He beats on Taker and beats on him, and beats on him until the old man is a battered pulp who can’t even reach his feet, but still, he kicks out again and again, out of near falls so close that each one had me jumping out of my seat. One near fall in particular, Triple H’s Tombstone, was so certain, so DEFINITIVE, that when the Undertaker kicked out I actually audible shouting “HOLY FUCK WHAAAAA?!” like a 9 year old watching a John Cena match.

WHAAAA

The experience was so utterly unlike anything I have been forced to feel by wrestling in so long that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to view this match objectively. It just WORKED. And then the finish? There aren’t enough variations on the word fuck to do it justice.

On its own, this would be a match to talk about 27 Wrestlemanias from now. It would be remembered as a great match that had one of the best sell jobs in wrestling history from the Undertaker and an incredible finish that kept us guessing. It would be great alone. But when you combine it with the backstory of the Shawn Michaels matches and the history here and the atmosphere? This becomes something different altogether.

Magic.

99 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MichaelC Facts: Undertaker is 19-0 and has never been beaten at WrestleMania. People might not know that.

Triple H is 7-8.

The Undertaker Over Triple H Following The Hell’s Gate.

Segment 12 – Team Vickie Keeps Us Relevant (Dolph Ziggler and Laycool) vs. The Brunette Mafia (John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snookie).

Mrs.Cewsh: You know what? It’s cool.

I don’t care that no one but Michelle was ever legal on the heels side. I don’t care that she had to sell for a wrestler who retired five years ago and a celebrity. I don’t care that all Morrison got to do was a kickass Starship Pain to the outside.

This Was Literally His Only Move All Match.

Snooki got in the ring, did two moves that arguably any ex-cheerleader could, and got the pin. But this was never going to be a ***** match. It was never going to have the heels win. She was extremely impressive for a wrestling celebrity, she seemed to really try and be into it, and it was a good comedown from the last match.

57 out of 100

Vice: Snooki, as a non-wrestler, showed more ability, character, and straight-up potential as a talent than John Morrison has, and he’ll probably be a world champ sooner than later.

That’s all there really is to say here. It was a 3 minute match, so what do you expect?

Cewsh: This was a short match, but guess what? Of all of these talented performers, Snookie stole the fucking match.

OH NO! The World Is Ending! A Celebrity Is Wrestling!

Suck on that, haters.

70 out of 100.

The Brunette Mafia Over Team VKUR Following A Handspring Splash From Snookie to McCool.

Segment 13 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – The (Radtaculariest) Miz © w/ Alex (Jeeves) Riley vs. John (The Kool Aid Man) Cena.

Cewsh: This was the match we all told them we wanted.

Think back to how many years we’ve been calling for WWE to finally make another big star. To give somebody new a chance in the main event slot of Wrestlemania. Think about all the times you heard somebody say that they never give anybody a chance of any kind. This is it. Tonight is the night where they finally take that final step with a new guy and say “this is the guy, our new main event sensation” And his name is The Miz.

The videos for each man before the match starts are incredible, that must be said straight out. Miz’s makes him look like such a fucking star. Frankly it probably does more for him in 3 minutes than any win he’s ever had. Cena’s is more solemn and Cena like, as DMX talks about saving the children and his redemption and all. Miz comes out through a big bubble that says Awesome and struts his way to the ring. Cena comes out to a full gospel chorus belting out his theme song. In case you hadn’t noticed, these two couldn’t be any more different and they’d like you to remember that.

The match starts and these guys settle in for the usual sort of John Cena main event match. The heel hits John a lot and then sells for a signature spot from time to time before shutting John down again. Tried and true. However there’s a problem. This crowd does not like John Cena. They don’t HATE him either, and they aren’t really rabid in support of Miz. So in the main event of Wrestlemania, as Miz and Cena try to put together a solid match, the crowd is just not there at all.

Despite Awesome Fuck Moves Like This.

They press on regardless, though, with Cena giving Miz a huge diving clothesline over the barricade outside the ring, where Miz’s head slams into the pavement. Then things start getting screwy.

First, the referee counts out both men, so the main event of Wrestlemania ends…via countout. Then the Rock comes stalking out and says that this is bullshit and he’s restarting the match. Then the Anonymous GM emails in, but the Rock goes to the podium and insults the computer for awhile. At this point its been like 5 minutes since this was a match. So then Cena and Miz get back in the ring, and Miz totters around uncertainly, lending credence to my theory that the fall to the pavement knocked Miz out and Rock was covering for him. Then Cena, out of nowhere, walks right into a Rock Bottom, and Miz covers him for the three and the win.

Oooookay.

See, here’s the thing. If Miz was injured and they did what they had to do to get him into the ring and capable of pinning Cena, then they did the best they could and it was a shitty situation. But if this was somehow the plan all along then it was an incredible blunder on the part of WWE. To take a dead crowd and then kill them AGAIN, before ending the match out of nowhere with Miz winning and immediately being an afterthought to the Rock is just sort of…yeah.

On the other hand, fuck. Miz is only the second heel to win in the main event of Wrestlemania, and is the first man ever to beat John Cena one on one at the big show. So IN A WAY, this is the rub and push of a lifetime. Its just that in another, more accurate way, this was messy nonsense.

I’m just going to go ahead and say it. This was a TNA PPV main event in the main event of Wrestlemania. I can’t imagine a harsher criticism than that.

71 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: They should have just shown the videos and gone home.

There’s no match to speak of. It was a storyline. In the main event of Wrestlemania. Miz took the sickest headbump and everyone got counted out and it sucked.

Concussion? YOUR MOM’S A Concussion.

If this was F4W, sure we can go with that. This is WRESTLEMANIA. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?

69 out of 100

Vice: The videos they made for this match were absolutely amazing. Some of the best work WWE has done in a long time. Miz’s was just all kinds of badass and was PERFECT for him. Made him look like an obnoxious superbrat while being credible. Cena’s was really well done, despite being a bit hokey in my opinion. Miz had a cool entrance, but I thought the “AWESOME!” inflatables looked very cheap. Cena’s choir was not my cup of tea, though I can kind of see why people would like it. Personally I’d rank it up there with his worst entrances, like pretty much every other one of his ridiculous entrances. As a geek, I got a smile out of him coming out in a red shirt, as that is exactly how I feel about him.

WheeeeeeeeSPLAT.

I’m just going to get this out of the way here: the match was dreadful, the crowd didn’t give even the slightest hint of a fuck for the majority of it, and it is probably the worst headlining main event in Wrestlemania history. Nothing about it clicked, and it just felt like filler. It didn’t help that THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEFUCKINGMANIA ended in a double count out draw. The crowd spent the entire match waiting for The Rock to come out and do something, and after sucking the wind out of the crowd completely with the no contest, people didn’t even care that much about The Rock by the time he came out. His involvement was awful as well. The whole General Manager shit has been beaten into the ground like none other over the past number of months, and has become beyond atrocious. First there’s the GM shit in the Rumble, then in the Elimination Chamber, and now in THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEFUCKINGMANIA? I don’t know how anyone could support this anymore. It’s absurd. I’d understand them pulling this shit on a RAW, and by that I mean I’d hate it but I’d merely roll my eyes at it, but you do not do this in THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEFUCKINGMANIA.

Rock restarts the match, wrecks Cena and Miz cleans up the scraps for the victory. Yeah I’m stoked that Miz won and Cena lost, but bloody hell. This is TNA levels of shitty endings, but they at least generally have the decency to do it on their lesser PPVs that no one even bothers ordering, much less watching. To top things off, Rock then makes Miz look like a bitch and a non-wrestler is the one standing tall to close out the show. Sure it sets up future involvement from The Rock, but at the sacrifice of the main event of the biggest PPV of the year? Awful.

This was an appalling end to the show.

MichaelC Facts: Miz is 2-0 at WrestleMania, his streak includes R-Truth and John Cena.

Cena is 6-2 at WrestleMania. This is his first singles defeat at the show after defeating Big Show, JBL, HHH, Shawn Michaels and Batista.

Miz is the first heel since 2008 to retain the World Championship. Only Miz, Randy Orton and Triple H have retained the title at Mania as a heel.

Miz is only the second man to retain it in the main event after Triple H, eleven years ago.

Only The Miz, Triple H, Randy Orton, John Cena, Diesel and Hulk Hogan have retained the WWF/E Championship at WrestleMania.

The facts don’t lie. The match might not have been good, but the results put Miz in very hallowed company.

The Miz Over John Cena Following Shenanigans.
——————————————–
Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Shit guys, I don’t even know. This show can’t really be seen to be a great show with some of the crazy garbage contained within, but on the other hand, I can’t pan it completely as it has a handful of good matches, a really good match and an all time classic. So the middle ground maybe? I guess I’ll leave that question to philosophers. All I know is that when I think about this show in the years to come, it really wont be with fondness.

All the potential in the world, and they gave us TNA. Shame.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 68.16 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall I didn’t really enjoy this Wrestlemania a heck of a lot. For the first time ever, I had almost no interest heading into what is usually my “no matter how much I am disinterested in wrestling, this reminds me why I’m still a fan” show, and I left with what is one of the greatest matches I have ever seen, and a plethora of reasons reminding me why I have trouble staying a fan. Ridiculous booking, wacky decisions, confusion, dartboard direction, eyebrow raising priorities, and some really stupid skits/segments.

With it being Wrestlemania, expectations are higher and there is a lot more pressure to put on a truly wonderful show. Trips and Taker knocked it out of the park in ways I couldn’t have even imagined, but everything else fell short in one way or another.

Vice’s Final Score: 65 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh’s Final Thoughts:

Mrs. Cewsh: This may not be the worst Wrestlemania in history, but its certainly the worst PPV since I started watching (barring December to Dismember). The main event was a joke, and I’m sorry I paid money for this. I wish I had turned it off after the 8 man. I would’ve missed Taker/Triple H, which was an excellent match, but I would’ve felt better about myself.

Mrs. Cewsh’s Final Score: 60.5 out of 100.

And now presenting the triumphant return of…

Vice’s Awards:

Well that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our review of WWE Wrestlemania XXVII, and to those of you reading this on the Rajah main page for the first time, we hope we didn’t offend your sensibilities with our uncouth manner so bad you set you computer on fire and punched the first guy you found named Rajah in the face. Next week we’re very excited to finally be reviewing the Cewsh Reviews/I Have An Opinion Crossover Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card 2: Electric Boogaloo with all of the match chosen by our dear readers. Its gonna be nuts. So until then, and as always, remember to keep right on reading, and be good to one another.

10 thoughts on “WWE Wrestlemania XXVII

  1. Cewsh says:

    Thanks, amigo! Spread that good word and keep an eye out for our Money in the Bank review on Thursday.

    And enjoy!

    Like

  2. ESFjellin says:

    Wonderful stuff. Found you guys on Rajah a few months back and am just getting to this site now. I foresee lots of staying up until the wee hours of the morning in order to catch up on everything. Can't wait for the MitB review, loved that PPV (actually felt bad about watching it on a stream, almost sent them a check for the hell of it) and can't wait to read what the three of you thought.

    Keep up the grand work!

    Like

  3. Cewsh says:

    That is, without a doubt, the greatest compliment that we have ever received.

    As for Cena, for my part I like the guy and think he's an incredibly talented wrestler in some respects and lacking in others. But when it comes to any issue I have with him, and the core of the issues that Vice and Mrs. Cewsh have with him, it all comes down to the repetition of his storylines, his dedicated no selling at the end of every match, and the increased blandness of his character as time has gone on.

    None of that is really attributable to John Cena the individual, as i'm sure he has been directed to be this way. Its simply an issue with how the character is used and treated.

    Like

  4. The way you guys blend fuck and another word together make me want to submit it to a dictionary. You're too hard on Cena, but this current storyline with Punk and his worked shoot should bring some interest to his character.

    Like

  5. Mr. Craft says:

    Thank you, my good man. Adding the page to my favorites.

    Like

  6. Cewsh says:

    You, sir, are a fancy gentlemen of high quality and extravagant taste.

    Welcome aboard.

    Like

  7. Mr. Craft says:

    Without question, as I've been setting here reading this I have neglected my children and made my wife angry with me. I couldn't stop. I was hooked from the minute I started and with the exception of maybe the apocalypes (although I doubt it) I had to finish. HHH as Shao Kahn=Gold. Rhodes in need of a Vega mask?Absolutely. This was one of the best reviews I think I've ever read. It was like I was Super Mario hooked on heroin fueled star power from beginning to end.

    Like

  8. Cewsh says:

    Well sir, I appreciate the interest and the criticisms. However I feel that cursing is restricted for too much in writing, and as i'm not attempting flowery prose and am instead discussing the means with which a man bashes another man in the face with a chair, I believe the word “Fuck” to be amongst the very most valuable in my authoring toolbox.

    As for the nicknames, they are a part of this review that may fall by the wayside at some point, certainly. All things change.

    Moreover though, i'm curious as to why you felt it necessary to come here and instruct me as to what to do in my reviews. I certainly appreciate advice and requests. Please take a note for next time to do that.

    Like

  9. Evan Foudoulis says:

    Thanks for the review, although I found it hard to read. Why are you cursing all the time? Everyone curses when they speak but it doesn't make good reading when you're writing. (Take a note for next time not to do it). Another thing I found it hard to understand is the stupid nicknames you give to the wrestlers. Are you writing this review for your mates or a bigger audience? If it is the latter lose the nicknames please. Finally, I like the vice awards at the end, although I disagree about the rock, I thought he was good value as host.

    Like

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