Welcome, cats and kittens, to our little ditty of a preview special for the biggest wrestling show of the calender year, Wrestlemania. Now before anything else, believe me, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh man, c’mon Cewsh, everyone and their one legged mother does a Wrestlemania Preview. You’ll say who you think will win, who you think SHOULD win, and probably crack some bad jokes about how Snookie is the downfall of the wrestling industry.” Well that is very astute, dear reader, as that is what many of our peers do very much indeed. But in case you haven’t noticed, we here at the Cewsh Reviews do things a little differently. Yes indeed, we will talk about the matches, but we’re going to give you the skinny on the backstories to these little beauties and catch you up on anything you missed along the Road. Yes, we will predict the shows, but we will use the best in predictive equipment, including actual software, a goddamned cat and whatever the hell batshit system Vice has worked out for us this year. And of course, then there’s Sakura, the Psychic Cat.
First, before we get into the matches themselves, allow me to explain the various prediction methods. First there is my tried and true method (which won last year, for the record) of using the computer game Total Extreme Warfare and a current Real World mod in order to simulate the entire Wrestlemania card. I set up each match without determining a winner and let the computer decide who wins and how good the match is. So not only am I predicting who wins but also HOW GOOD THAT SHIT IS. Because I bring the psychic thunder.
Then there’s Mrs. Cewsh, who takes advantage of the wild animal living in our home by writing the names of every Wrestlemania competitor onto equally sized sheets of paper and spreading them out with a cat treat on each one. The card are shuffled for fairness and then this ravenous beast is unleashed on them:
Whoever the cat chooses, wins the match. Simple right?
Well not as simple as our dear Vicasso, who has composed a means of predicting this show so brilliantly simple that it is almost zen. See, he pulled up Facebook (a trusty tool for any psychic) and looked over to where it listed his friends on the left of the screen. Then he refreshed the page for each match, and if a woman was at the top, the heel won the match and if a man was on top the faces won the match. It was really that simple. AND BRILLIANT.
So with those explained, let’s get on with it, eh?
A few months ago, in an otherwise ordinary match on Smackdown between Rey Mysterio and Cody Rhodes, Rey got the better of Cody, set him up for the 619 and connected with it. This is unremarkable in and of itself, but this time Rey’s knee brace struck the Dashing One in the face, doing horrible damage and ruining Rhodes’ face?
Or did it?
Throughout the intervening months, a no horribly depressed and angry Cody Rhodes has appeared only grudgingly and under a clear mask. He has proclaimed that he is now monstrous and has set out to destroy Rey Mysterio for doing this to him, despite no actual damage being visible. But whether his face is intact or not, this is a very different and much more violent Cody Rhodes, and he is unhinged enough to try anything to beat Rey Mysterio.
Total Extreme Warfare: Rey Mysterio Over Cody Rhodes Following The Droppin’ Da Dime.
Match Quality: B
Honestly i’m expecting this to go to some sort of Mask vs. Mask match, and since they haven’t billed this one as such i’m thinking that this storyline isn’t nearly over yet. So with that said, i’d have to imagine it would probably be a Rhodes win here on a normal show. But this is Wrestlemania after all, so a babyface win is never surprising.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: Cody Rhodes Over Rey Mysterio.
The cat seemed unsure about this one. Ultimately, though, she went with Rhodes and then just left Mysterio’s treat alone altogether. Damn that’s cold!
Facebook Friends: Cody Rhodes Over Rey Mysterio.
I did not ask Vice if the woman selected here was dashing, but let’s assume so.
If you had told me months ago that one of the hottest feuds going into Wrestlemania would be between two announcers, I would have regarded you as clinically insane. After all, they’ve done matches with and between announcers before, and the builds to them and the matches themselves have been almost universally dogshit. But the heel turn for the ages that Michael Cole has summoned from nowhere has been something truly incredibly to behold, as he has morphed from the blandest and most mediocre announcer imaginable into the smarmiest dickhead the hallowed halls of WWE have ever seen. Over time, this caused tension between these two broadcast partners as Cole backed the fast rising Miz religiously, and finally cost Lawler his one shot at the WWE title in a ladder match on Raw by getting involved to save Miz. Since then it has simmered between the two, with Cole producing annoyance after annoyance, from bringing Lawler’s son Grandmasta Sexay back to taunt him to showing Lawler’s family photo album and mocking his dead father, all the while using his personal trainer Jack Swagger to bully Lawler around.
Now Lawler gets to get his hands on Cole, and Cole’s worst nightmares came true when Steve Austin arrived and proclaimed himself the special referee for the match. Why is that bad? Well think back and see if you remember this:
Total Extreme Warfare: Jerry Lawler Over Michael Cole Following The Piledriver.
I think that may be a generous prediction for match quality, and i’m not sure if Lawler is even allowed to do the Piledriver anymore, but yea, Lawler winning is the safe bet here. This match will be pure spectacle. Love it.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: Jerry Lawler Over Michael Cole.
The cat did not at any point even acknowledge Michael Cole. Neither should you.
Facebook Friends: Jerry Lawler Over Michael Cole.
A clean sweep for the Memphis Man.
Do you remember all those “Kevin Dunn hates Sheamus so Sheamus is getting buried rumors” when Sheamus went on a losing streak earlier this year? Yeah, that was a bunch of bullshit. But that losing streak did result in Sheamus refocusing himself on young master Bryan and his United States title after he decided that Bryan was mocking his failures. Now Sheamus holds that proud championship, and Bryan has cashed in his rematch in his very first Wrestlemania match.
Total Extreme Warfare: Sheamus Over Daniel Bryan Follow The Brogue Kick.
Match Quality: B
You know, I wonder about this one. Either guy could conceivably win this for the title or lose it and move on to other things. Its hard to say. But what should be a lock is that this match will not suck. Be told.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: Sheamus Over Daniel Bryan.
She ate both treats. But Sheamus was slightly before.
Facebook Friends: Sheamus Over Daniel Bryan.
Another sweep! The spirits are aligned!
This feud grew out of a number of different elements. From Morrison and Ziggler having a rivalry since Ziggles came to Raw, to Trish getting involved in Laycool’s heelish antics, to Vickie Guerrero’s beef with Snookie after she humiliated her. It all gets wound up together into neat little bow. Don’t expect Snookie to do much except the newly christened “Snookie Bomb” (Lou Thesz Press), but this may be the most high profile match on the whole show.
Total Extreme Warfare: Team Morrison over Team Ziggler When Morrison Pins McCool.
Match Quality: C
I’m not sure that men can even actually pin women in this match, so TEW may have just sabotaged themselves here, but yeah, Snookie is not losing this match.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: Team Morrison Over Team Ziggler Following John Morrison Getting The Pin.
We set out everyone in this match to determine who would get the pin. There were 6 treats available and the cat only ate Morrison’s and then left. Her interest in this match, i’m told, mirrors Mrs. Cewsh’s.
Facebook Friends: Team Ziggler Over Team Morrison.
Another amalgamation tag match here, this match came about the same way as the other, as many different feuds collided into one. When Wade Barrett first came to Smackdown and formed the Corre, he made Big Show his first target to make an impact. Despite numerous attempts, though, they were never able to keep him down for good. Meanwhile, Slater and Gabriel had their hands full stealing the titles from Snatino and Kozlov despicably. Finally the Corre attempted to recruit Kane to help them with their Big Show probably, but they miscalculated badly as they actually reminded Show and Kane why they liked teaming so much, causing this to form a weird sort of dream team with Santino and Kozlov.
That was great until the Corre invaded WWE Axxcess this week and beat the unholy fuck out of Vladimir Kozlov. They thought this would give them the advantage, but all it did was open a spot for an angry Kofi Kingston to come seeking revenge after Barrett stole his title from him. So now the shit is ON.
Total Extreme Warfare: Team Showkanellaton Over Team Corre Following Santino Pinning Heath Slater.
Match Quality: C+
Yep, pretty much.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: Team Corre Over Team Showkanellaton Following Heath Slater Getting The Pin.
Our cat is a Heath Slater fan? Well at least he has one.
Facebook Friends: Team GIANTS Over Team Nexusish.
When CM Punk took over the Nexus in January, he had one goal in mind, to destroy John Cena. That didn’t go so well for them, as Cena and a midget beat up the whole group in one night, pretty much squashing that whole thing. But this freedom allowed CM Punk to set his sights elsewhere, and when Randy Orton was least expecting it, he entered the cross hairs. See, CM Punk had a gripe he had been sitting on for years now, ever since his very first World title reign, when Randy Orton punted him in the head for no reason just to make an example for Legacy. Now, all these years later, Punk has decided that he has the power and time to settle that gripe and aimed his Nexus at Orton. Immediately, though, things began to go astray. Orton punted first Husky Harris and then Michael McGullicutty, with David Otunga and Mason Ryan soon to follow, and all of a sudden CM Punk has no Nexus left to hide behind.
Left with few cards to play, Punk played his trump, stalking Orton’s wife and luring him into a trap allowing Punk to injure Orton’s leg with a wrench. Now limping into this grudge match, Orton is at an extreme disadvantage, and the scavenger is waiting to pick his bones.
Total Extreme Warfare: Randy Orton Over CM Punk Following A Punt To The Head.
Match Quality: B+
Well this would certainly be poetic justice if Orton was able to punt Punk and take out the entire Nexus that way, but somehow I doubt its going to be that easy for the Viper.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: CM Punk Over Randy Orton.
That’s more like it.
Facebook Friends: Randy Orton Over CM Punk.
The cat is a rebel.
Ever since Alberto Del Rio’s shocking Royal Rumble win, these two have been on a collision course for one another, trading barbs and sneak attacks through the weeks. Then, things abruptly got more interesting with the return of Christian at Elimination Chamber. Now Del Rio has added his NXT rookie to his corner, and Edge and Christian have reunited to turn back the newcomer to the main event.
Total Extreme Warfare: Alberto Del Rio Over Edge Following The Spinning Armbar.
Match Quality: B
I have my suspicions about Christian turning here, but regardless I think that Del Rio winning the title here is the logical choice. Without it, i’m honestly not sure what else there is for him to do.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: Alberto Del Rio Over Edge.
This one wasn’t even close. She ate the Del Rio treat, and then searched the paper so she could eat it AGAIN before ever regarding Edge.
Facebook Friends: Alberto Del Rio Over Edge.
Apparently Vicasso has quite a few female friends. Rowr.
I could explain this one, but the guy in the video literally play by plays the whole thing.
What I will say is watch out for Shawn Michaels in this one. His involvement on Monday, could evolve into something greater.
Total Extreme Warfare: The Undertaker Over Triple H Following A Chokeslam.
Match Quality: A
With Undertaker Wrestlemania matches it isn’t so much about the result being in doubt as it is about how good the match is. This is heartening.
Sakura The Psychic Cat: The Undertaker Over Triple H.
Not in any doubt. She was certain.
Facebook Friends: Triple H Over The Undertaker.
UPSET! And provided by a guy with Satan in his name. Astonishing!
Now this is the interesting build.
When the Rock came out after having been introduced as the guest host of Wrestlemania and immediately called out both John Cena and the Miz the shit was on. Over the weeks, a distracted Cena kept finding himself easy prey for sneak attacks from the Miz and starting, in his frustration, to take things out on the Rock with brutal verbal salvos and finally, a sneak attack on the this week’s Raw. The Rock will be involved in this match somehow, of that there is no doubt. But after being assaulted by both Cena and Miz, he has become a highly combustible variable in an already unpredictable match. Can Miz become only the second heel ever to win in the main event of Wrestlemania? Can John Cena avoid losing his first Wrestlemania main event? What the fuck is the Rock going to do? Will Alex Riley somehow win the title? Who was driving the Hummer that ran down Kevin Nash in WCW? Only time will tell.
Total Extreme Warfare: John Cena Over The Miz Following The STF.
Match Quality: B-
I hope this isn’t true on both fronts, with this being an underwhelming match and with John Cena predictably winning again. Of course it was impossible to incorporate the Rock into the simulation so who knows…
Sakura The Psychic Cat: John Cena Over The Miz.
She alllllllllllmost chose the Miz. It was almost heartbreaking when she turned away and selected John Cena.
Facebook Friends: The Miz Over John Cena.
Oh shit! What a swerve that would be.
Alright, that’ll do it for our Wrestlemania coverage this year boys and girls. There’s a few hours until showtime, so grab some friends, grab some food, and enjoy the biggest night of our year.