TNA Lockdown 2011

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the fuzziest and wuzziest reviews in the known universe, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as the time has finally come for the first shot from TNA post Wrestlemania, as we review TNA Lockdown 2011! See, every year TNA tries to make it seem like Bound for Glory is their biggest show, but inevitably it is Lockdown that contains the biggest moments, the best matches, and the most interesting storylines, so here at Cewsh Reviews we’ve just started accepting it as the biggest TNA show of the year. This year is no exception either, as a great many feuds are looking to be blown off here once and for all. Joe/Dinero, Angle/Jarrett, James/Rayne, and Immortal/Fortune are all going to get inside the six…err…four sides of steel and have themselves a war to settle the score. Will Immortal regain power in TNA? Will our champion be a senior citizen, a drug addict or an asshole? And just why in the hell is one of these matches only 30 seconds long? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: Ah, the opening video. The bastion of ordered creativity in a maddened, saddened, and Darren McFaddened world. TNA, who I have charitably referred to at various points in regards to these as both “genius and the greatest in the world” and “a bunch of tripe merchants”, have a somewhat odd history of going crazily over the top with symbolism and significant imagery in their opening videos. They also have a history of having the sprite from Ghost Writer narrate Christmas specials to happy music, so general erratic behavior is what i’m trying to get across to you here.

But ultimately, when the chips are down, the production staff for TNA steps up and they did so here, using the imagine of a single blood drop to serve as a preamble to the blood and carnage to follow. They do a wonderful job getting over Lockdown as this crazy and barbaric concept that has taken the years off of men and women’s lives in the past. As usual, the test of the opening video is whether or not i’m more excited for the show after having seen it. By that criteria, this one gets a big thumbs up.

Vice: I’d just like to start all of this off by ranting about the steel cage they use. Each side is segmented into three pieces, with thick dividing bars. What this does is give the cage practically zero give at all. When TNA goes on and on about how dangerous this structure is, there really isn’t much hyperbole going on. The thing is legitimately brutal, because if you get thrown into it, you’re getting thrown into very stiff fencing. And that shit hurts. To me this is a gigantic problem, because for years and years, steel cage matches contested in normal steel cages have been shown to be brutal through theatrics and showmanship, and, ironically, lots and lots of care.

If you effectively sell it likes it’s dangerous, people will believe that it is dangerous. That’s why this is so unnecessary, as they are imposing actual danger when theatrical danger is just as effective, if not even more effective. Why put your wrestlers at risk like this?

Segment 2 – Number One Contendership For The TNA X Division Championship – Xcape Match – Robbie E vs. Chris Sabin vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Amazing Red vs. Jay Lethal vs. Brian Kendrick vs. Suicide.

Cewsh: Okay, first match to kick off the show. This one is for the number one contendership to the X Division title and the idea behind it is thus. 8 guys are in here, but only two men are legal at any given time. The rest have to wait in the narrow space between the ropes and the cage until tagged in. The match is elimination style, wins pinfalls and submissions counting until the final two men are left, at which point the winner will be the first one who escapes. Xcapes. Xcavates. You get the idea.

These guys have themselves their usual X Divisony type of match, and its really fun to watch as always. These guys have set the bar on consistent opening matches for any promotion that follows after to copy, and Sabin especially, divested of his partner and hetero life mate Alex Shelley due to injury, steals the show here, just flying around and reminding everyone why TNA spent about half a decade presenting him as the very best the X Division had to offer.

Oh, And This Is Unrelated, But Go Ahead And Say Goodbye To Jay Lethal. This Was His Last TNA Match.

By the time Max Buck steals a win at the very end, this match has been just as satisfying as you would want it to be, and the growth of Max Buck as a wrestler and a personality is definitely something to continue to keep an eye on. Be told.

70 out of 100.

Vice: These are usually a good way to open up such a show. You’ve got 8 crazy guys in a cage, battling out in a fast-paced showcase of insanity. This was one of the more tame, disjointed matches of this kind, which kind of says a lot considering it’s basically a giant spotfest. Something about it just felt very off, and didn’t live up to the potential level of FUN it could have. There weren’t a ton of multi-man spots or anything too wild in general. Two guys would go at it, one would go out in a kind of underwhelming “well these guys have to be eliminated somehow..” sort of way.

The highlight of this was definitely Sabin’s ultra lariat from the darkest corner of the underworld, which was just a thing of vicious beauty.


At first I was very irritated that someone had the balls to just stand up 4 seconds after taking Sabin’s cradleshock, one of his most devastating moves he’s used since he began in TNA, but when he lopped a head off with the lariat immediately after.. well.. all was forgiven.

Max Buck winning is an interesting dynamic. I’m curious to see where this goes.

Max Buck Over Everyone Else Following His Escape From The Cage.

Segment 3 – Eric Bischoff Talks, Isn’t Really All That Fat.

Cewsh: Out comes Eric Bischoff at the juncture in the show, to don the mask and officially debut himself as a brand new character: THE SPOILER!

The Spoiler Strikes Again!

Now completely in character he informs all of us that someone will be joining Immortal later tonight in the World title match. He makes it seems as though Hulk Hogan and he have an absolutely foolproof plan and like this IS absolutely going to happen.

On a side note, Eric is actually looking like he’s in great shape these days compared to when he first showed up in TNA. This isn’t really relevant in any way, I just thought I’d give the man some dap for keeping it tight.

What’s that, he’s still talking? Fuck, play me off Keyboard Cat, you wonderful dated reference you.

Segment 4 – “Evaluating? Evaluating For Punk Asses!”

Cewsh: We flash to the back, where Scott Steiner has some helpful information for us on the subject of who, exactly, should responsible for doing evaluations, while his tag team partner Crimson stands by, ingesting the wisdom of this crazy old man he is stuck with tonight.

I love you Steiner. Don’t ever change.

Segment 5 – Ink Inc. vs. BFFs (Bizarrely Freaky Friends) (Orlando Jordan and Eric Young) vs. The British Invasion vs. Double Bubble (Scott Steiner and Crimson).

Vice: This was a massively forgettable match. Normally when I review this stuff, I’ll hop on the ol’ Wikipedia for the match listings to keep me on the right track. When I saw this match on Wiki, I thought “ I don’t recall seeing this” despite having not only watched it live, but later with Cewsh too. That’s mainly because nothing really happened in this match, and it was basically all about Eric Young being crazy. It’s stupidity when a gimmick like his is the focus of everything, and you have 7 other men that suffer and get lost in the shuffle because of it.

Young’s comedy has worn out its welcome beyond belief and he absolutely flopped as a serious character. So what’s left for him? I know he’s going to be one of those guys that sticks around forever since management and his peers seem to love him, he’s willing to do anything and everything he’s asked to do, and is actually a fairly well rounded talent. They’ve just managed to fling him at the wall 17 times and he’s never once actually stuck– he just kind of slides down at varying speeds. And it’s always kind of sad to watch.

And so I don’t leave this on such a depressing note, here is Scott Steiner on a pogo stick:

Cewsh: This match succeeds because it knows exactly what it is and what it has the potential to be, and doesn’t aspire to be more. See, these four teams are competing (unofficially) for the number one contendership for the Tag Team titles. But moreso, they’re really just here to provide some light amusement in the middle of the card. So everyone in the match focuses on providing what they do best to make it work. The British Invasion do all the heel work and keep the match sound, Ink Inc keep things exciting by running all around trying to fire people up, Scott Steiner gets the crowd interested in a big way and does all the spots the crowd wants to see while Crimson sticks to him and doesn’t mess anything up, and Eric Young and Orlando Jordan bring the comedic relief, with Eric being very amusing at various points, and for once not overwhelming the whole match with his antics.

Some Antics Are More Subtle Than Others.

This was the right balance of all the elements involved and was so simple and efficient that it couldn’t have been any better.

This may actually wind up being the match of the night.

74 out of 100.

Ink Inc. Over Everyone Else Following The Mooregasm On Doug Williams.
Segment 6 – This Segment Features A Lot Of Things Happening For No Reason.

Cewsh: The important thing though, is that Tara and Madison Rayne like totally aren’t friends anymore. See, Madison was cutting a promo on Mickie, and Tara jumped in to help her trash talk Mickie, and Madison responded with the real life equivalent of unfriending someone on Facebook. This seems pretty out of left field to me, but it doesn’t come as some kind of wild shock since their team never really made any goddamn sense to begin with.

Still, though, Madison needs to be careful. Now that she’s gotten rid of her best friend she needs to make sure she doesn’t lose anything else of value to her…

Segment 7 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Title vs. Hair – Madison Rayne © vs. Mickie James.

Cewsh: This match lasts 39 seconds.

For reference, this feud has been going on since Mickie James first showed up to TNA on October 7th of last year. That’s about 27 weeks if my math is even remotely correct. That means that this match just barely cleared going a second for every week of hype that went into it. Let that sink into your mind for a second. And then contemplate the reason why it was done this way. See, Mickie James has a minor shoulder separation, but nonetheless can’t use one of her arms very well and is in a great deal of pain. So instead of postponing the match to when she is, you know, actually healthy, they take the sling off of her arm backstage, have her go down to the ruing still holding it protectively, and mercilessly squash the woman who has been single handedly keeping their Knockouts Division afloat for over a year now. Not one move of offense from Madison. Just into the cage, into the cage, DDT, over.

Now I could wax poetic for hours about how this completely buries Madison Rayne, and how it is borderline psychotic to put a title belt on someone who is actively injured, or about how they were risking Mickie hurting herself far worse than she already was by sending her out there. Believe me, I could. But honestly, what would it prove.

TNA took one of their most hyped up PPV matches of the year, and gave us bullshit. I’m growing accustomed to the taste.

The Killer Queen Deserves Better.

28 out of 100.

Vice: If you break this down and nitpick, it’s excessively awful how badly all of this was executed. However, when I think about it from the perspective of someone who doesn’t want to use nail clippers on his retina out of depression, I’m kind of glad this only lasted 36 seconds. If they wrestled longer, they’d have less non-broken bones and we’d have more…

..crushed spirits.

Totally Agree I ThiWHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!

Bully Ray, react to this for me.

Mickie James Over Madison Rayne Following FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Segment 8 – Samoa Joe vs. D’Angelo Dinero.

Cewsh: Oh Samoa Joe. How the mighty do fall.

I suppose you can trace the state of Samoa Joe back to December of 2008. That was when, due to Samoa Joe needing time off because his wife was having their first child, they had the Main Event Mafia injure Joe and put him on the shelf. The following month, Joe came back sporting a weird tribal thing that looked like a clan chief’s dick on his face and wearing pajamas. He then tried to torture foreigners and slit Scott Steiner’s throat on live PPV. This didn’t go over great. This was all leading to Tazz being brought in to manage him, to maybe give Joe a new, more badass direction. This lasted roughly one match, where Tazz showed up and the match ended in one of the most awfully botched finishes in modern times. Tazz became a color commentator and Joe was in limbo again.

Then Joe floated around doing absolutely nothing, turned face, and that was pretty much it for about a year and a half. Now he’s out of shape, is mailing it in, and has a sidekick even more underutilized than he is. This is not a great state of affairs for the guy they built their company around only 5 years ago.

At Least He Still Has His Looks.

As you might expect, this is part of me winding up to telling you that this is not a good match. Joe does his spiel almost haphazardly, and Dinero seems to be trying to toe the line between batshit insane comic book villain, and bad ass tweener, which makes no sense. Add that to the fact that these two don’t really gel well in the ring (for a smaller guy, Dinero isn’t great at selling) and what you get is a sack full of meh.


51 out of 100.

Vice: Joe is a master of killing people. His ultimate foe that he simply cannot defeat? TNA’s booking. Pope had so much promise but one year ago. Now he’s just another guy, and I’m very bored with him. Joe of 2005/2006 against Pope of 2009/2010? Holy crap that could have been amazing to witness. This.. not at all.


Samoa Joe over D’Angelo Dinero Following The Koquina Clutch.

Segment 9 – So A Texan, A Puerto Rican, a New Yorker and A Canadian Walk Into A Bar…

Cewsh: “Ouch” they say, collectively.

Also, This May Be The Most Ridiculous Picture I’ve Ever Seen.

Segment 10 – Matt Morgan vs. Hernandez.

Cewsh: We interrupt your regularly scheduled review for a special news bulletin from Past Cewsh. Past Cewsh, what do you have for us?

Past Cewsh: Well Future Cewsh I’m afraid its bad news back here in the year 2010. Matt Morgan and Hernandez have just gotten done with a series of matches that can only be described as heinously offensive to all humans on Earth. They were sort of a tag team for awhile, and then Morgan turned heel and they’ve just sort of been fighting for months now and despite high fondness for both men, people just could not possibly care less, C-Fut. Can I call you C-Fut?

Cewsh: No.

Past Cewsh: The one note of optimism is that apparently Hernandez will be randomly going to Mexico soon, so the likelihood of us seeing these two wrestle again in another one of their dull, plodding, eye rolling matches in the remote future is slim at best. So that’s good news for you guys in the future right? Right?

Cewsh: …

Past Cewsh: Oh, you mean…oh dear god.

Cewsh: Sorry man. You have it all ahead of you.

Past Cewsh: Bummer. By the way, do we have jetpacks yet?

Cewsh: If anything, we have LESS jetpacks now.

Past Cewsh: This blows.

52 out of 100.

Vice: Matt Morgan a year ago was showing so much promise as a main event talent. Now I find him boring and terrible. Hernandez is in the same category for the most part. Not only did they somehow both just suddenly lose all of their talent and ability to entertain, but these two have zero chemistry. They’ve never had chemistry. They never will have chemistry. And yet, all these two seem to do is feud with one another.

This match was horrible. Avoid it like the plague. Actually, if you have a choice between the two, I’d probably recommend the plague to be honest. Something tells me that time would pass quicker, and you’d never have to worry about having to see a match like this in the future.

Matt Morgan Over Hernandez Following The Carbon Footprint.

Segment 11 – Matt Morgan’s Foot Is Racist?

Cewsh: At least, that’s what Sarita and Rosita would have you believe, as they launch into a bitter tirade against TNA for holding them back, including somehow suggesting that the result of the one on one fair cage match that just happened had something to do with the racist TNA management.

Shown: Rosita And Her Mom.

Then Velvet Sky, debuting her new gimmick of Velberg, runs out to the ring and beats the shit out of both of them single handedly. The fans look on and wonder how long the line to get a pretzel is now.

Segment 12 – Karen Jarrett Is Not Worried.

Cewsh: Karen Jarrett is backstage and she is asked whether or not she is nervous that her husband will be locked in a cage with Kurt Angle in a minute. She assures everyone that she has absolute confidence in her man and that he is going to beat up Kurt Angle very much the badly. I would say something snarky here, but after the train wreck of this storyline thus far its actually nice to see a simple segment where Karen is backing up Jeff and there are no axes or small children. Or axes AND small children, which hasn’t been explored yet, but can’t be all that far off.

Watch for the Bound For Glory blow off match under King Solomon’s Rules.

Segment 13 – Ultra Male Rules – Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle.

Cewsh: Ultra Male Rules is the same still as a Three Stages of Hell Match. Three different types of match, with the winner being the person who is the first to get two wins. Here it’s a regular match, a submission match and, naturally, a cage match.

Vice: Before I get into the gooey details of the match, this brought out the best and the worst in Kurt Angle. What I love about Angle is that even if he’s at 10%, he will give it everything he possibly has to put on a show for the fans. However, the problem is that if he doesn’t stop giving it everything he has, we’re going to get the news of his paralysis, or even death, and maybe even see it live on PPV. His passion is unmatched and his heart is colossal, but he does so many things he just doesn’t need to do, and it can be very terrifying watching him wrestle. I see him go for a high spot and my heart just comes to a complete stop and I sit there terrified until it’s over. And sometimes I just sit there worrying for a good 30-45 seconds waiting for his ass to start moving or the ref to throw up the big X.

There was a botched hurricanrana/powerbomb/something spot in this match that involved Angle landing right on his head from off the top rope, and it was just horrifying to watch. Mike Tenay generally isn’t one to show much emotion and when he does, it sounds so phony and forced that it just cannot be taken seriously. But when Angle does this shit, and stuff like moonsaults off the top of the cage, you will never hear more legitimate emotion out of Tenay. The dude is justifiably concerned for Kurt Angle’s well being. He’s aging, he’s never completely healthy, and doing unnecessary crazy things will only put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life if he’s lucky. And I wouldn’t be shocked that if paralyzed from the waist down, he will get his legs amputated and try to continue wrestling as just a torso. I really do worry about him, and I think TNA should reel him in a bit. Also, since he’s a great wrestler, they should let him actually wrestle. By putting him neck high in bullshit constantly and never letting him shine, he is going to go 150% whenever he gets the chance to send everyone a message. Not good.

The match itself was pretty good, but was weighed down a lot by general confusion, somewhat messy rules, interference, and some rehashing of spots/story from Angle/Anderson. Also that Jarrett won, and that probably means this feud is going to continue still. Angle should have walked out of the cage when he did, won the match, smiled, and then gone and locked himself in the cage with Jarrett for a hell of an ass kicking. Blow it off, end this fucking feud, make the fans happy, give us a normal Kurt Angle wrestling in non-ridiculous programs, and make the fans happy.

Cewsh: Can I level with you for a second dear reader? Just between you and me?

I’m starting to find Kurt Angle matches a little hard to watch.

Its not because of the quality. Here Kurt turns in the kind of performance he always brings to the table. He brings technical soundness, competence and credibility to any match with anyone at any time. But as his career has transitioned into the stage where he should maybe be winding down a tad, he has begun to take progressively greater and greater risks in the ring. We’re talking about a guy who has a broken neck, questionable mental health, a personal life more or less in tatters, and who is pushing retirement age who is doing crazy shit and i’m not sure why he’s even doing it. The moonsault off the top of the cage is great, Kurt, but for fuck’s sake, it didn’t even fit the tone of this match, and watching you hit the ground only makes me wonder when the day will come that we’ll watch you go out the way we lost Misawa.

“Pfft, Could Misawa Jump This High?”

Dark thoughts.

Anyway, despite how the feud has gone as a whole, Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle actually have some great chemistry in the ring, and haven’t turned out a bad match yet (we aren’t counting that MMA thing). Here they bring the hate convincingly, and only the moonsault and the nasty botch off of the attempted top rope hurracanrana that almost landed Kurt square on his neck really detracted from what was overall a pretty damn good match. There was a lot hanging over this match that could have dragged it down, but these guys are masters at this, and don’t let it touch them too much. Hopefully, years from now when we look back on this feud, we remember these matches and not, you know, the rest.

78 out of 100.

Jeff Jarrett Over Kurt Angle Two Falls To One.

Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting © vs. Ken Anderson vs. Sting.

Vice: I wish I cared. I really do.

Cewsh: Look, I get what they were going for with this match. I do.

The idea here is to have a three way match with the top 3 faces in the company and have the idea that one of them is going to join Immortal hanging over the match the whole time. They even had Bisch come out and TELL US somebody was joining Immortal earlier in the show. But as the match got going, I totally forgot about that whole scenario. Because not only did it seem ridiculously unlikely that any of these three characters would align with that group, but Immortal has been made to look so unimportant, I can’t actually think of why anyone would WANT to join it.

So these three get on with having a perfectly fine match together, when suddenly Hulk Hogan lumbers down to ringside with a pipe.

“Time To Lay Some Pipe, Heh, Heh.”

He slides it in to RVD, who picks it up and promptly hurls it back at Hulk, telling him that he doesn’t want to win that way. Ken Anderson then scoops it up, bashes Van Dam’s brains in, and as Hulk celebrates, yells to him “That was for me, not for you.” He then congratulates himself for half a second, allowing Sting to hit the Scorpion Death Drop and win the match.

I don’t really know whether this match wasn’t better simply because the crowd wasn’t overly interested and the performers don’t click together, or whether it because there was no heel for anyone to work off of, or whether it was just because the stink of Immortal hung over the whole thing. Whatever the cause may be, these three struggled mightily against and, and managed to put together an entirely inoffensive match with potentially offensive ingredients. I can definitely appreciate that.

68 out of 100.

Sting Over Everyone Else Following The Scorpion Death Drop.

Segment 15 – Lethal Lockdown Match – Immortal (Matt Hardy, Abyss, Ric Flair, and Bully Ray) vs. Fortune (Christopher Daniels, James Storm, Robert Roode, and Kazarian).

Cewsh: Alright, here we are in the main event with the Lethal Lockdown match, pitting Team Fortune again Team Immortal to see which team is superior. What is a Lethal Lockdown match, you ask? Well let’s let them explain it.

So essentially it’s like the classic Wargames match from WCW, only there’s just one ring, and there are going to be weapons once everyone has entered. Make sense? Sort of? Maybe? Let’s proceed anyway.

Kazarian and Abyss start.
Matt Hardy Has Entered The Match.
Christopher Daniels Has Entered The Match.
Ric Flair Has Entered The Match.
James Storm Has Entered The Match.
Bully Ray Has Entered The Match.
Robert Roode Has Entered The Match.

See that up there? That’s the order that people entered this match. Want to know why there aren’t any words in between those entrances? That would be because there was not one single noteworthy thing of any sort that happened before they were all in the match and the ceiling came down. Now generally in these sorts of matches this part of the match is slower than the end, simply because you’re building to the crescendo later, but this match was truly impressive in the performer’s desire to just kill time until the end. At some point Ric Flair went ahead and stuck a blade halfway through his skull and starts spouting blood to such an extent that soon he, Daniels, and just about everyone are totally covered in his blood.

Which We, Of Course, Got To See Close Up.

Then while THIS is going on, his pants get pulled down so we can enjoy some bloody old man ass, with the added bonus prize of a quick unexpected view of shriveled old man genitals. It’s a charmed life we lead, boys and girls. A charmed, charmed life.

Even Without The Old Man Nudity, This Is Probably NSFW.

In the end, AJ Styles comes back after Bully Ray had put him on the shelf and he attacks, helping Team Fortune win and stuff, which is good and stuff. That’s fine, but let me make an appeal to the logic of you, our dear readers. The interference in this match meant that the final three matches of this show ALL had interference in them. So what, I ask you, is the point of contesting these matches inside of a steel cage construct, especially one with a roof on it, if ANYBODY CAN JUST SHOW UP AND INTERFERE?! Why not hold the match in a fucking Bouncy Castle? Why not the ball pit at Chucky Cheese? Why not the prison in Hogan’s Heroes? Who cares? All of these places are apparently a cakewalk to just get in and out of. For fuck’s sake. If its just to have cage matches for the sake of cage matches, then fine. Do what makes you happy, TNA. But next month, can we have a show where the gimmick is matches ending with clean finishes? I think that would be the greatest swerve of all.

58 out of 100.

Vice: I completely forgot about this match. When I saw that the world title match was going on so early, I thought holy shit this match is going to be long (maybe Sting getting a giant block of time to make up for his 8 seconds vs. Hardy?), and it’s either going to be absolutely dreadful or surprisingly brilliant. But yeah, then this comes on and I find myself feeling very apathetic. It wasn’t a “fuck yeah! I forgot all about this! YES!” or a “uuuuuughhhhhh kill me”– just something perfectly in between.

This is a match type I love. On paper, anyway. Or in other companies. It’s a great concept and you can do a ton with it, and other promotions have done fantastic matches in this style, specifically ROH’s Steel Cage Warfare with Generation Next taking on the Embassy. But in TNA, it just never works. I don’t know what it is. It all just seems so fucking cluttered at all times, especially when all 8 men are in there. ROH has done it with 8 men as well, in an even smaller ring, and it doesn’t feel nearly as cramped. So.. I dunno. They’ve just never been good in TNA, no matter how much talent they have in there. They’re just messes of a “match” that are a clusterfuck until everyone is in the cage, and then you have two idiots randomly climb the top of the cage once the roof comes down just so they can do an absurdly dangerous, unnecessary high spot to get a “this is awesome!” chant.

Daniels Did The Honors This Time.

So as you can tell, I didn’t really have a lot of fun with this. In comparison to some of the other lethal lockdown matches, this one wasn’t nearly as harmful, but that also isn’t exactly saying a lot. Ric Flair did an amazingly sick (as in disgusting, not “cool”) gusher of a blade job, AJ Styles returned in a moment of awesomeness, Daniels needs a run with the TNA title, and Bully Ray is the best heel in the universe. That is all you need to know.

That and Donald Duck’s middle name is Fauntleroy. It’s a good ice breaker.

Now Watch Out For ZOMBIE FLAIR!

Fortune Over Immortal Following Some Stuff And Some Other Stuff Too.


Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: You know, when I was watching the show with Vice and he and I were talking about it, there were a lot of phrases going back and forth like “Well it isn’t as bad as…” and “ugh, whatever, it could be worse” and the like. That didn’t seem weird at the time, but as I started writing the review, it started bothering me more and more. TNA has a lot of good talent and good qualities. They pushed unfamiliar guys into the main event here, and the established veterans were used to put over the younger guys for the most part. I should be happy about this. But more than anything I’m just mad. Mad that we keep dumbing down our expectations of TNA (and WWE often as well) in order to get through it, and mad that they don’t seem to fucking care about what makes their product so infuriating to watch.

TNA could be great, and they should be great. Anything less, and this show was much, much less, is just a huge fucking waste.

Wait, I can simply this further. Ric Flair, was this a good show?

Cewsh’s Final Score: 59.88 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: What TNA has done with Daffers is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in their butchering and misuse were they close to anything that could be considered humane. Everyone on the internet is now dumber for even acknowledging TNA’s existence. I give them no awards, and may god have mercy on their souls.

Vice’s Final Score: Fuck Off.

Cewsh Note: After typing this, Vice became very sad. To cheer him up, I will be playing him off with the music from the Incredible Hulk tv show.

Sic Semper Vicia.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. Join us next week as we go EXTREME or some such thing with WWE’s Extreme Rulez (the z is for ZAZZ) 2011. We shall see what exactly the new direction for WWE is going to be following the monumental shake ups from the draft, and what, if any, surprises lay in store for us in the summer. So until then, remember to keep reading, and god dammit, be good to one another!


Cewsh Reviews and I Have An Opinion Proudly Present…

The Cewsh Reviews/I Have An Opinion Crossover Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card 2: Electric Boogaloo

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the sexiest thing on four legs, Cewsh Reviews! We have an ESPECIALLY special treat for you tonight, no doubt about it, as tonight we finally review the show over a month in the making. See, about a year ago we decided that we should do something to satiate the people who were asking us to review individual matches and not full shows, while at the same time sticking to our guns about only reviewing full shows. The result was the Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card which was supplied by having all of our fans suggest matches and them selecting them at random, lottery style, out of an Optimus Prime Mr. Potato Head. Which is exactly as awesome as it sounds. It turned out to me a great success, and now it has become a tradition here for us to let you guys in on the party from time to time. Which brings us here to the sequel which we’re doing in conjunction with the video review by our buddy Deewun at his blog, I Have An Opinion. Just like the first time, our fans suggested the matches and we compiled them into an actual Dream Card show of the best, worst and strangest wrestling has to offer. The last one nearly broke us with its batshittery. I’m afraid. Please hold me.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: That is the greatest opening video in opening video history.

Segment 1 – No Disqualifications – Owen Hart vs. Mankind – Monday Night Raw 01/06/97.

MichaelC: I need to speak about this one, as Cewsh suffers from the Anti-Owen Hart Agenda.

Shocking, I know.

Cewsh: Pfft, more like Anti-Your-Face Agenda.

Vice: Well here we are again. It’s always such a pleasure.

Cewsh: Okay, okay, let’s sink our teeth into this bad boy.

Now some of you may be aware that there was a period of time in the WWE where I was not watching for various reasons (mostly my parents forbidding it after I gave the Razor’s Edge to my Ultimate Warrior pillow through the living room window). You may have heard this period of time referred to as the “Attitude Era”. As a result, there are certain things that I have missed that are difficult to go back and watch in context, and early Mankind is one of them. The Mankind I recognize from that era is, for the most part, the happy go lucky lovable loser who spent nearly all of his time with and against the Rock. But THIS Mankind is altogether different. He comes out to seriously eerie music, walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, rolls into the ring and then rocks himself back and forth as the lighting effects make it look like he’s sitting in the light of a big window at night.

Dude, Eerie.

This is some next level dark shit, and I have no idea how it ever got made in that or any era of WWE. But it is fucking spectacular.

Owen Hart, on the other hand, I’m more familiar with, though I never fell in love with him the way certain other extended members of our team did. Ones who hail from Scotland, for example, just to say. Still though, he’s very skilled, and that is obvious here and everything that he does is silky smooth.

Yep, Not A Hair On That Face.

Mankind is, well, less silky, but these are talented guys and they do their thing. There’s some brawling outside, some grappling inside and a clean finish. It’s a good tv match. One thing I did notice that seemed unusual, though, is that this match appeared to be heel vs. heel, with both men at the very least having heel managers, which does not come across in the match at all. I don’t know if that’s a point against them or not, as I don’t really know the context here, but generally speaking this was a perfectly fine, if unspectacular match. Good times.

70 out of 100.

MichaelC Facts And Opinions: This is the first RAW match of 1997, and quite possibly the first WWF TV match of that year. Owen and Mankind would face off at WrestleMania in the middle of the epic Tag Title match I tried to get all of you to vote for in Ringo’s WrestleMania thread, and none of you did.

In the mid 90s, it seemed like the entire WWE was carried by Owen, Bret, Bulldog, Taker and the Clique. By 1997, newcomers like Foley, Vader, Austin and the soon to be relevant Rocky Maivia had shown up, and more newcomers were on their way. It was a time of transition we only seen about once a generation, as the older stars quit, retire or died off, and newer angrier stars replaced them.

This was a NO DQ match. Not sure if it was officially, or if the ref just couldn’t be bothered. Rules were a bit flexible in those days.

I love the fluid spinning wheel kick, and the short piledriver finish is the simple brutal match finish you just don’t see anymore.

Short, sweet and to the point. Could have done with more time, but then I am always a bit greedy.

Neither man met up in the Rumble a few weeks later as Owen and Bulldog went out early in that match.

Vice: This was a fairly good, solid match. It lacked the pyro and ballyhoo in the ring, but I enjoyed watching it. It also brings up two things I’d like to mention.

As a performer, I think Owen Hart was better than Bret by a fairly substantial degree. Everyone becomes one of the best ever when they die young, which is what happens to so many wrestlers. Yet, Owen died from a stupid stunt (thus he is still a good person), and yet even with death AND him being so amazing, why does he not get more praise?

As a wrestler, Mick Foley is criminally underrated. Well, Mick back in the day. He was a very good, talented PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER (fuck you, Vince) for many years and had some fantastic matches before becoming that crazy guy who flew off cells and whatnot. It’s great going back and watching him like this. Also, having a demented theme song for an entrance and a super happy song for his exit is quite brilliant.

Goodbye, my only friend.

Mankind Over Owen Hart Following A Piledriver.

Segment 2 – Sumo Match – Akebono vs. The Big Show – Wrestlemania 21.

Cewsh: Let me go ahead and congratulate you, dear readers. Every time we open this project over for public submissions, we always have a few terrible matches in the back of our head that we expect you to suggest. Will they make us review the match where David Arquette won the title? The match where Medusa beat Ed Ferrara to win the WCW Crusierweight title? Something that isn’t WCW? But somehow, you always reach deep down into your collective subconscious and provide us with something entirely unexpected. Like this, for example. Here, you have given us the gift of two enormous men in incredibly skimpy outfits running into each other. And for that we both love and hate you all.

Now Akebono is a legend in a lot of ways. He broke into sumo wrestling in 1988 and quickly shot up the ranks, becoming the very first foreign born sumo wrestler in history to achieve the top rank in that sport of Yokozuna (note: Yokozuna was not a Yokozuna. Which is okay, because he wasn’t Japanese either). After a good solid decade of sumo he retired and tried his hand at MMA (unsuccessfully) and then segued into wrestling, where he became a fairly consistent draw in Japan as their giant. Now why am I telling you all of this? Possibly because WWE never really bothered to explain who the fuck this fat guy was or why he and the Big Show would feel the need to have a worked sumo match together. For my part, I still have no idea why it needed to be a sumo match since Bono is a professional wrestler himself (albeit kind of a terrible one). But hey, them’s the breaks, and as a result we got ourselves some hot giant on giant action.

The match, for lack of a better word, doesn’t really start until about 16 hours into this segment, as first they both have to lumber down the ramp all the way to the ring. Then they have to disrobe (the audible moans of unhappiness from the crowd at this point are pretty amusing), throw salt, do the traditional stretching stomp to ward off evil spirits (which I’m told is often a problem in the Staples Center), and then throw salt in the ring to purify it, which I have to imagine is hell on bear feet*.

Also Good If Your Opponent Is Secretly A Giant Slug.

Then they get started and grapple a bit and IMMEDIATELY upon them locking up, Akebono completely dominates Show and almost pushes him right the fuck out of the ring before he reels it in and remembers to play pretend. Then they go back and forth for awhile with Show actually lifting the Big Bono up off his feet at one point before Bono promptly throws his ass out of the ring.

Oh, And Now That You’ve Seen This You Have Seven Days To Live.

And then that shake hands and WHY DO YOU PEOPLE DO THIS TO US. Do you understand how shitty of a watching experience this was? I understand what they were trying to do and I’m not going to penalize them too much for trying to make it work, but for fuck’s sake people, they wore extra thick g-strings and ran into each other in a ring with no ropes at WrestlefuckingMania while a tiny dude in a crazy hat ran around yelling at them in Japanese, and the crowd sat on their hands and wondered when the Divas were going to come out and wash the pain out of their eyes.

This Guy Was Here To Make Sure This Match Was Taken Seriously.

And this segment lasted like 20 fucking minutes!


*This was a typo originally, but frankly I still stand by it being true.

32 out of 100.

Vice: Seriously Cewsh, you dragged me away from Portal 2 so I could write about this kind of bullshit? You’re lucky I haven’t completed my crossbow, and too agoraphobic to actually buy the trout I need to shoot you with. And know nothing about how to pick out the best trout. Is it anything like fruit?

Oh how we laughed and laughed. Except I wasn’t laughing.

: Hey, I didn’t choose this!

And I think its something to do with the color of the scales. Silvery maybe?

Akebono Over Big Show Following A Push.

 Segment 3 – The Machine, The Angel, and the Phenomenal One.

Cewsh: Now, Deewun has been so kind as to provide us with the hype video for our next match of Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles, and I’m damn glad he is, because it is amazing. See, when Samoa Joe showed up on the scene in TNA, they did not waste any time fucking around with him. He walked right into the X Division and started demolishing everything stupid enough to stand in his way. It was very unusual, though not against the literal rules of the division, for a man of Joe’s size and power to participate, but what was breathtaking was that he could match any of them speed for speed, and was so, SO vicious when he caught them, that they all collective went down like corn before the reaper. That is, until he ran into the two best that TNA, and perhaps the world, had to offer in Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles. They had their run ins, no doubt, but things didn’t get real, until Joe turned on Daniels (never trust a shark) and gave him the almighty king of all beat downs, leaving the man in a pool of his own blood, with a concussion that put him out of action.

Then AJ Styles stepped in. Styles and Daniels had long been best friends, despite their occasional issue with one another, and AJ was fucking furious with what Joe had done. Joe, for his part, told AJ to man up and then spent the weeks ambushing him and beating him mercilessly whenever he felt like it. Finally, AJ put the title on the line to get Joe in the ring, playing right into Joe’s hands. Unless Joe is the one who will be surprised…

Segment 4 – TNA X Division Championship – AJ Styles © vs. Samoa Joe – TNA Turning Point 2005.

Cewsh: This match is fucking amazing.

I just told you about the feud going into this show, which was absolutely perfectly booked, and is without a doubt the best thing TNA has ever done creatively, and that alone creates such an atmosphere before this thing ever starts. Samoa Joe comes down to the the ring looking like a conquering barbarian badass (not literally in Triple H fashion, just figuratively). He’s got the towel covered in the blood of Christopher Daniels around his neck, and he has this badass confident swagger like he’s got nothing to worry about. Then AJ Styles comes down and it’s a total contrast, as he is fired the fuck up. He gets in the ring, hands his belt over, plays to the crowd, and then when the bell rings he immediately pounces on Joe like a hobo on a ham sandwich. From there on, this match becomes a 15 minute whirlwind of action that left my jaw on the floor, as AJ Styles does everything short of shooting Samoa Joe in the head to put him down and get revenge for what he did.

The beginning of the match is all AJ, as he catches Joe totally off guard with his aggression and just takes it right to him with every move in his arsenal. He uses his superior speed to stay ahead of Joe and just starts dropping bombs on him from the get go, with everything from the stiffest kicks he’s ever given, to the goddamn Fosbury Flop.

What Gravity?

After his anger plays itself out, though, Joe is still standing, and now he’s fucking mad. Joe proceeds to just break AJ down a piece at a time in that incredible way Joe had back in those days, hitting Styles with wave after wave of moves that link together and that AJ has no real answer for, but whereas every opponent Joe has ever had prior to this has just been battered to a pulp by the onslaught and then fallen prey to the Koquina Clutch or the Muscle Buster, AJ Styles just keeps taking it and getting back up. Taking it and getting…back…up. You can see Joe start to get visibly upset as his carefully crafted style is being stymied left and right by the fact that AJ Styles simply will not stay down, and Joe starts making mistakes out of frustration, allowing AJ to hit desperation moves that put Joe down and give AJ time to breathe. Just long enough to let the smaller man fighting the odds feel like he can finally stop the unbeatable monster.

Finally, in an incredible display or fire and effort, AJ loses his fucking mind and launches an all out offensive on Joe, laying waste to the man with kicks and chops and even hitting a powerbomb AND a Styles Clash on the man nearly twice his size.

That Is Some Seriously Impressive Shit.

Still Joe kicks out, but now Joe is fading. Feeling more confident, Styles tries to bundle Joe into the ropes and roll him back into a roll up, one of the oldest moves in the book. But that’s exactly what Samoa Joe was waiting for. He grabs AJ’s tights, pulling him off balance, and making him fall right into the Koquina Clutch that no man has ever escaped. AJ struggles, rolling all about, trying to find the solution to the unbreakable hold, and even throws Joe so off balance that he rolls Joe towards the ropes, bringing his hand mere INCHES away from the rope as he strains and strains and STRAINS and…passes out, finally quelled.

The Dream, Just A Heartbeat Away.

Samoa Joe has finally put AJ Styles down, and is your new TNA X Division champion with AJ’s redemption only inches away.

Following this, Joe picks AJ up and congratulates him on a hell of an effort, before promptly wasting him with a belt shot to the face. Joe goes to execute AJ with a Muscle Buster, before Christopher Daniels himself runs down to get him a piece. Daniels is all over Joe, but its not long before Joe fights back with some incredibly stiff kicks, exacerbating Daniels’ concussion, and leaving both of his rivals in miserable heaps surrounded by security guards who came down to keep them safe from him. To keep the two best wrestlers in TNA, safe from one man. Samoa fucking Joe.

Shown: A Fair Fight.

Man, this match is absolutely the shit. I have never seen anyone in wrestling who was as convincing a threat as Samoa Joe was during this period. Not Goldberg, not Andre, not anybody. His speed, power, and stiffness combined to make him some kind of nightmare tornado of fucking you in the face. Add that to the incredible storyline here, and AJ Styles putting on what may still be his career defining performance as a firey, never say die babyface, and you have something that shines as the absolute pinnacle of what TNA was capable of during that period, or in general. You can quibble about no selling, you can quibble about Joe being too dominant, and you can quibble my balls if you want to. Because this match was beyond silly trifles like that. This is a special window into a time we’ll never see again. Don’t miss out on your chance to see it.

98 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This is one of the best matches to ever come out of TNA. It’s right up there with Angle/Kennedy, Storm/Harris and the other elite matches. It’s just that fucking good, and was during the period where the X-division was incredible. It peaked in this era and will never come close to reaching this point ever again. Everything between AJ, Joe and Daniels was fantastic.

So this is AJ and Joe going out and killing each other, and it is a spectacular match. They’re both so incredibly stiff, putting extra oomph into every strike and slam. Their facial expressions are always spot on.

“Wow AJ, That’s Some Great Selling! Um, AJ? Uh Oh.”

Plus this was the first time AJ has really gotten this pissed before. Sure he was a heel and was all “waa waa I’m angry grrrr”, but in this match he stomps the back of Joe’s skull into the canvas and tells him he has no respect for him. Then later basically just says fuck you. Everything about this match is just so magical and amazing.

I can’t bring myself to give it the full five stars, but this one is 4.9999999999999999 in my eyes. I love it so much, and it’s a shame how great TNA was back then compared to the bullshit that plagues the majority of their product these days.

Honestly I’d love to actually have some sort of structure with my thoughts, but there is so much to talk about and so much to praise that I don’t even know where to start. Babble babble babble. Shame TNA has gone to hell.

Go make some new disaster.

Samoa Joe Over AJ Styles Following The Koquina Clutch.

Segment 5 – IWP Heavyweight Championship – No Disqualification – Doug Williams vs. The Zebra Kid vs. Paul Burchill – IWP The Gathering 2004.

Vice: Going into this, I thought it was going to be awful. This was Doug Williams back when he had negative personality and was quite possibly THE most boring (but technically proficient) wrestler in the entire world, Paul Birchill back when he was super green, and.. Zebra Kid.

What I saw blew me away completely. It wasn’t phenomenal, but considering I was expecting a spotty shitfest that indy fans jerk themselves over for unknown reasons, this was.. wow. About 5 minutes in, I found myself really into this match. I remember even mentioning such a thing to Cewsh and him agreeing, which kind of scared us both.

It’s also funny seeing Burchill as this gigantic hoss of a barbarian that everyone fears, but was completely average (or even below average) in WWE. Kinda sucked for him. I like this Burchill a lot though.

Oh, did you think I meant you?

Cewsh: Ah, indy matches. Possibly the most refreshingly consistent thing in the world, independent matches can generally be counted on to have any of the following things:

– Terrible production values
– Depressingly bad announcing and commentary
– Skinny White Guys In Spandex
– No Psychology Whatsoever
– Straight Edge Chipmunks

In fact, it would be fair to say that the vast majority dabble in nearly all of those things (chipmunks notwithstanding), so when we saw this come up on the docket, we were pretty sure we knew what to expect. After all, this was even an indy match from England, whose notorious love/hate relationship with professional wrestling had been confounding promoters who tried to run a business there since the days of Giant Haystacks. See, while England remains amongst the very hottest and most eager crowds for WWE, WCW, and even TNA, they’ve never been able to support much of an independent scene, or to really elevate a promotion of their own to countrywide status. There are a million reasons why this may be the case, but most people blame the fact that they eat beans for breakfast, and I am inclined to agree.

Strangely, though, this match here represents something of a departure from all of that. This promotion (IWP) has very decent production values in line with old Ring of Honor shows, they have two announcers who are actually very compelling to listen to and who get incredibly involved in the action in a way that you’ve only seen stateside in Don West, and perhaps Jim Ross on his more excitable days. The place is packed with a nice amount of people, and more importantly, the people in this match are actually stars in England at this time. See first you have Doug Williams, who along with Jody Fleisch launched a two man renaissance of English indy wrestling in the 2000s, becoming popular enough to be commonly known names in the United States, and virtually keep the entire indy scene afloat by themselves. You may recognize him as the guy who is never on television in TNA. Then there’s the Zebra Kid, the son of the famous British wrestler and promoter Ricky Knight, and his even more famous wife Sweet Saraya. Zebra is exactly what you expect a second generation wrestler to be, beloved by the fans of his parents and a complete and total fuckup with an arrest record a mile long. But hey, at THIS point, he was an exciting young talent. You can currently see him picking up trash along the highway and watching his baby sister Britani Knight get a WWE tryout this week.

Then there is Mr. Paul Burchill, who was essentially England greatest can’t miss prospect since the British Bulldog. This guy had presence, he towered over everyone on the independent scene, he could wrestle a number of styles, he could talk, and he had a finisher in the C4 (backflip uranage) that people bought tickets or tuned in to see. He had everything you could possibly want in a prospect and was as earmarked for future greatness as anyone in recent memory. You can currently find him at his house watching tv, following his mishandling and release from WWE.

A Big Fucking Missed Opportunity.

Is it any wonder why the British indy scene is dead again after these three left?

But that is now and this is then. Here, the main rivalry is between Burchill and everybody else, with a distinct hint at a future epic showdown between Burchill and Williams that would have been a pretty big deal. But despite the obvious tension between those two, the Zebra Kid isn’t going to sit by and let a couple of jerkwads keep him from winning the title and making his parents proud. So these three tear into each other, and its actually one of the more impressive indy matches that I’ve seen from anywhere from back in those days. Williams is essentially flawless in his technique with every single move that he does, Burchill just draws your eye with everything that he does and makes it all look so good, and Zebra Kid is fantastic as the plucky little babyface in way over his head but determined not to show it. It’s a fun 25 minute romp that ends with Burchill pasting Williams to the floor with his C4 to win the title and then immediately being challenged by Zebra Kid for the next show, capping off a really surprisingly good match, and an altogether surreal experience.

This match was suggested because it was the first match that Mikey_Jones, the submitter, had ever seen. The first match that I ever saw was Jim Duggan vs. Virgil. Of the two of us, he has the much, much, much, much, much better reason to have kept watching.

77 out of 100.

MichaelC Opinions: Loved this. William is the cunning competitor, ready to take any flaw of his opponents game and use it to his advantage. Zebra flies about and tries to kill himself and others with offense. Burchill just murders everything he can get his hands on.

Man, Burchill was a complete wasted opportunity by the WWE. He had a relevant pop culture gimmick that got pretty damn over, and it got axed. (The Pirate!)

Zebra has fallen apart since this. d1 asked: “How come he’s not in one of the bigger leagues?” Answer: a criminal record longer than Iron Sheik’s weed suppliers list. Jailed for DUI, for making threats to stab people, and for assault, many times over the last decade. You know how they say one can be one’s own worst enemy? Well, the thing that holds Zebra back the most is he is a complete twat and violent thug, basically.

And you might have heard of Doug Williams. A man who is a certainty to be in the WWE at some point in his career – he has too many fans there, and they look at him from time to time. It’ll happen. Since the brilliant Williams/Guerrero match of 2002, I’ve followed Doug’s career.

I loved this match. Crazy stuff. And Burchill kills. I want Burchill back in the WWE now.

Paul Burchill Over Everyone Else Following The C4.
Segment 6ish – I Have No Fucking Idea What Is Going On.

Cewsh: This is the hype video for the Bread Eating Death match. I will type this stream of consciousness as I watch and we can experience it together.

Okay, first we’ve got some ambulance EMT guys with a stretcher wearing SARS masks (which pretty much everyone in Japan does anyway, so that doesn’t mean anything). Then we pan to a shot of some clouds floating by for some reason, then we go to the ring where we find a man with long blonde hair clad all in white up against the turnbuckle. Suddenly some guy comes charging and gives him a flying shoulder tackle to the nut sack, which Blondie immediately sells as the single most devastating maneuver in wrestling history.


Then dramatic sad music plays, and the camera starts zooming in weirdly on Blondie’s mouth, which then flashes to a picture of some monkeys.


Monkey ratio now satisfied, we find a guy in a hospital bed (not the same guy) reading gay porn and eating a custard filled donut, which now ALSO gets a close up.

The Donut Of Foreshadowing.

Finally, we return to Blondie who now sporting some insane brown roots as he yells at the camera, leading to another shot of him working out…with no roots. CONTINUITY ERRORS. The idea here seems to be that after this incident, the man has bulked up into an unstoppable muscle machine to seek revenge.

Then some guy throws water on him for no reason.

Bath Time!

Then there’s this guy.

His Nickname Is “The Sleepito Bandito.”

Now these two are split screen trash talking each other hardcore, though the old guy may be asleep, and only seems to be paying attention when the camera zooms in really fast and then cuts to a picture of a dog house. Otherwise he looks like he’s napping. These are the two gladiators who will be pitted against each other in the legendary Bread Eating Death match. A match to which I can only guess at the rules, since I don’t speak Japanese, and they are by no means obvious. However, here is an artist’s rendering of what the match will entail, so perhaps that will help.

Did that help anybody?

Segment 6 – Bread Eating Deathmatch – Ken Ohka vs. Tsuyoshi Kikuchi – Union Pro 1/3/11.

Cewsh: I have never laughed this hard at a match in my entire life.

I have no idea what it would be like to view this match and actually know what the fuck is going on or what the purpose behind their actions are, and frankly I’m glad, because the best part about watching this is just the edge of your seat excitement to see what in the name of holy demon army they’re going to do next. One man grabs a baguette as his opponent puts him in a Boston Crab. What does he do with it? One man goes to get some milk? What happens to it? Both men decide they want to eat the same piece of bread. How exactly does that not end badly? These are the questions that you will ask yourself and then, no matter your capacity for imagination, the answers will defy even your most imaginative fancies.

And you will laugh. Then you will facepalm. Then you will ask someone to confirm that what you’re seeing is real. You will repeat this cycle over and over until you’re out of breath and are mysteriously thinking about going to a bakery for breakfast.

There are great matches, and there are bad matches, and then there’s the fucking Bread Eating Deathmatch. Holy demon army, do you owe it yourself to see why I make the distinction.

72 out of 100.

Vice: I’m going to be honest and say I’m not even thinking about reviewing this match. This is not a match you should read about. This is just one of those matches you need to see for the sheer ridiculousness of it all. Whether you love it or hate, it’ll be an experience.

If Nothing Else It’ll Put You Off Carbs For Awhile.

That’s what I’m counting on.

MichaelC Musings: WHY ARE THEY EATING BREAD? WHY??????

I Have No Idea Who Won This Match.

Segment 7 – Amazing Kong vs. Sara Del Rey – ROH Supercard of Honor V.

Vice: KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG has competition here in someone who could give her a run for her money.

She was a lot like you (maybe not quite so heavy).

Cewsh: Hell to the yes.

This actually couldn’t be much more timely what with Awesome Kong about to debut in the WWE imminently, so I’m really glad this match made it on. The most important thing to realize here is that this was Kong’s very first match after the entire TNA debacle with Bubba the Love Sponge.

Oh what’s that? You don’t know what the fuck a love sponge is or what happened? Leave it to Cewsh. Here is my summary of the events at the time:

“Basically after the earthquake in Haiti, Bubba went on his radio show and said that the earthquake was probably a good thing because Haiti is such a shitty and dirty country that it, and the people who lived there, could use a “cleansing”. Kong, who has family in Haiti, took an understandably dim view of this, and she threw a fit, demanding that Bubba be fired for the comments.

To respond, Hulk and Bubba went back on their radio show and talked about how Kong must be on her period and how she has no idea what she’s talking about.

So the next Impact taping, Kong found Bubba backstage and punched him in his fat fucking face. Bubba then mocked her, bragging that she couldn’t knock him out, and Bubba demanded that Kong be released. Somewhere during all of this Cheerleader Melissa (Raisha Saide, Alyssa Flash) quit in disgust over Kong’s treatment.

Kong asked for her release and Hogan refused to allow it. So a few weeks went by and she apparently asked Dixie for her release and it was granted.

Awesome Kong and Alyssa Flash are apparently < Bubba the Love Sponge right now."

So yeah, not only was this such a bullshit situation that Kong left the company, but she also took Cheerleader Melissa and later ODB with her, while Bubba the Love Sponge got to keep his job until he started trolling Kong at her public appearances and TNA decided they had had enough. So when Kong comes through the curtain here the ovation is deafening, and the fans immediately break into chants of “Fuck you, Bubba” and “Fuck TNA” to a ridiculous degree. Then Kong and Del Rey proceed to tear the house down with a hard hitting and extremely entertaining match, short though it may have been. Finally the Kings of Wrestling toss Sara the loaded elbow pad, and she nails Kong with it, giving Sara the upset cheap victory. But the fans hardly notice, as when Kong reaches her feet they launch right into “Please come back” as she walks off looking really emotional.

And Scary. Emotional And Scary.

This was fucking great, and honestly I hope that every time a TNA employee watches it, they feel like an asshole for working for a company that allowed this to happen. So there.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Sara Del Rey Over Amazing Kong Following The Lucky Elbow Strike.

Segment 8 – Penalty Box Match – Team Canada (Lance Storm, Mike Awesome, Elix Skipper and Major Gunns) vs. The Filthy Animals (Konnan, Rey Mysterio Jr, Billy Kidman and Tigress) – Special Referee: Jim Duggan – WCW Sin 2001.

MichaelC Facts: In this match we have Lance Storm, who was a pretty great midcard wrestler back in the day; Mike Awesome, a perfectly serviceable big man; Elix Skipper, a spot monkey; Rey, who is Rey; Kidman, before his confidence went; Konnan and Hacksaw as the worst referee since Gene Kiniski at Starrcade 83.

d1 loves this match.

Maybe He Just Likes Tricked Out Buses.

Hacksaw turned on America soon after this. No one cared.

Cewsh: This match is a fucking mess, but since it took place in WCW, I’m not even sure you needed me to tell you that.

The idea of this match is that Jim Duggan, the trouble shooting referee, has the power to, at any time, banish any member of either team to their own personal penalty Box if they are caught breaking any rules whatsoever. Theoretically this is to keep the heels from cheating, but all it actually does is cause Jim Duggan to look like the touchiest referee in wrestling history. At one point Mike Awesome brushes into Duggan on his way to the apron and HEY HEY HEY, that’s two minutes in the box for you! In order to get the concept over, Duggan starts throwing guys in the box with such regularity that there’s pretty much a never ending flow of guys going to and from the cage. The camera guys have no idea what to focus on, so they settle for just switching back and forth rapidly even if nothing is going on in either place.

I want to make this clear. This idea is fucking stupid, and this match sucks as a result. Not helping is the fact that Major Gunns and Tigress exist.

And Have Fans, Apparently.

In fact the only thing that IS helping this match to whatever degree is the fact that Lance Storm, and to a lesser degree Mike Awesome and Elix Skipper, is actually really fucking good. He cheats when he’s supposed to, everything he does looks crisp and nice, and he is the only person on Earth who has idea idea of how to sell for Konnan’s crazy offense. He does all he can here, and deserves all the props I can give him, but he’s just one man, and he can’t fight the suck. No man could.

61 out of 100.

Vice: Lance Storm is amazing. Anyone who disagrees will eat a 43 mile an hour trout in their face once I complete my crossbow and conquer my agoraphobia.

You’re First To Be Trouted, Son.

It’s fun watching matches like this, because TNA still runs nonsense like this from time to time. And it’s always fun seeing all the participants in here and the work they do despite being burdened with a terrible gimmick of a match, and how they still try ever so hard to make sense of it and put good work in. Then you realize that if you merely took the gimmick out of the match, you might be left with… a good match!

The secret to wrestling is.. letting people wrestle! Eureka! A Cewsh Reviews breakthrough!

Under the circumstances, I’ve been shockingly nice.

Team Canada Over The Filthy Animals Following The Canadian Maple Leaf From Storm To Mysterio.

Segment 9 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – John Cena © vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton vs. Edge – WWE Backlash 2007.

Vice: Fatal fourway matches are some of my absolute least favorite matches in all of WWE. They tend to bore me shitless, they feel disjointed, are generally very awkwardly worked, and have underwhelming finishes.

This was very different, and I can see why it was a match suggested. It was legitimately REALLY good. While I’d never root for ol’ John Cena, I actually didn’t even mind him as much here. I still would like to see him beheaded, but he wasn’t too bad. It was just all really well worked, the crowd was into it and all the stars aligned without them falling into bad habits.

Edge Disagrees.

The finish was really fucking awesome, too. Just incredibly well booked (despite Cena winning). Why do I not remember seeing this match back when it happened? It was awesome. Maybe this was around when I got beyond fed up with Cena and stopped watching. Man, he’s been doing the same shit for half a decade now. What the fuck.

Now you’re someone else’s problem.

Cewsh: This is the culmination of two different feuds here, though if you only saw the promo video and watched the match, you’d likely figure it was just Cena vs. Michaels III with two chaperones. Aside from the continuation of the feud between Cena and Michaels here, with Michaels finding himself better than Cena but never able to get the win with the title on the line, this is also technically the blow off of the feud between Edge and Randy Orton after the breakup of Rated RKO. Which is well and good but that never factors into the match at all, so I’ll pay it as much mind as they did.

This match goes down and its really pretty good, nothing special or anything. Everybody does the usual 4 way things, and while they all have great chemistry together, the match never really goes anywhere until what may very well be the single greatest ending sequence of any multi man match in wrestling history. Everybody is stumbling around the ring when the finishers start. Everybody reverses everything, Orton hits Cena with an RKO, Edge hits Orton with a Spear, Cena pops up and hits Edge with an FU, and then turns right into Sweet Chin Music. Shawn takes just 3 seconds to celebrate his imminent victory, but it turns out to be 3 seconds too long. When he kicked Cena, he knocked him out 100%…right on top of the unconscious Randy Orton. The ref counts the pin before Shawn even realizes what has happened, and his look of panic when its too late is totally perfect. Cena has foiled Michaels AGAIN, and this time it was by pure luck and there’s nothing Michaels can do about it. Awesome.

Fucking Awesome.

Its really a goddamn shame that their feud never really progressed after this, because this was a really cool way to ramp things up between them, but alas, that was the year of the injury bug, so it was not to be. Still, fine match, with an absolutely brilliant finish. Can’t argue with that.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MichaelC Facts: Fantastic finish to this match. Building to the HBK/Cena blow off….which never happened, as Shawn got injured. Then Taker got injured, so Edge got drafted to RAW to replace him when Mr Kennedy got injured. Then Edge got injured. So Cena wound up holding the belt till October when HE got injured and Orton wound up with the belt despite having the NUCLEAR HEAT for most of the year, and apparently trying to kill himself early in the year if you believe Cowboy Bob.

2007 – the year of death and injury.

Greg Helms also got injured at the same time, but no one cares about him.

Edge/Orton had the blow off to the Rated RKO falling apart feud next night on RAW. Why it never made PPV is beyond me, as I seem to recall it was a hell of a match.

John Cena Over Everyone Else Following The Luckiest Chance of His Life.

Segment 10 – GHC Heavyweight Championship – Kenta Kobashi © vs. Tamon Honda – NOAH 4/13/03.

Cewsh: Over the years here at Cewsh Reviews, I’ve talked about any number of different styles of wrestling match. From the bully vs. plucky babyface matches like Joe/Styles earlier, to the epic spectacles of the kind that the Rock and Hulk Hogan had at Wrestlemania XVIII. But if you were to ask what my absolute favorite type of match is, I would tell you every time that it is the total badass against the underestimated underdog who is out to prove everyone wrong. This is the Rocky story, the ultimate underdog tale, made even better by the respect and even fear you have for his opponent. But its incredibly rare, because it depends on a lot of unlikely factors. You have to have a badass who is incredibly respectable and dangerous. Then you need an undercard guy who the office is willing to really give a big time shot to. And then you have to have that motherfucker show so much fire and passion and never die spirit that it stays with you after the match is over. This is not a common combination of factors.

But here they did it.

Kenta Kobashi is the badass to end all face wrecking, cancer killing, Burning Hammer wielding badasses. Here, he’s in the middle of an incredible epic run as the GHC Champion of Pro Wrestling NOAH, and is looking forward to some big challeneges he has ahead of him. His opponent on this night is career midcarder Tamon Honda, who is basically as easy an obstacle as Kobashi is going to get on the roster.


Its essentially a night off from the champion, and he clearly isn’t expecting much of a fight. Oh, but he gets one, he gets the mother of all fights. See, this was Honda’s one chance to make it as a top guy and he knew it, so when that bell rings and Kobashi tries to take things easy and feel out Honda, Honda says fuck that shit and just starts eating Kobashi’s lunch to the shocked amazement of the crowd, the announcers and, most of all, Kobashi himself. Understanding that things just got serious, Kobashi and Honda proceed to have 20 of the most action packed tension filled minutes in recent memory. Every single near fall from 10 minutes in to the very end is met by the crowd as if it is THE end, with no exceptions. By the time Honda kicks out of the half nelson suplex that Kobashi has been murdering people with, the crowd is in total awed disbelief and has rallied behind him 100%.


Honda takes Kobashi to the limit and comes inches away from the title time after time, until finally, after kicking out of one more deadly half nelson suplex, Kobashi blows his stack and demolishes Honda with the mother of all Burning Lariats, finally putting away his incredibly resilient opponent.

The Last Thing Many A Wrestler Has Seen.

This is what wrestling is all about. You don’t need to know the language, the performers or the culture to see what makes this match special, as the underdog takes the champion to the limit story is purely universal. This is my favorite match time for a reason, and these two men did it better than just about anybody could have.

95 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This match was absolutely fantastic. It tells such a wonderful story of a guy desperate to become a name, and he shows so much heart that he stuns EVERYONE by refusing to die. Kobashi had to beat him within an inch of his life to get the win, and it was just lovely. America needs more matches like this. You can potentially make a star in one night.

That’s all there really is to say about it. It just needs to be watched.

If You Don’t Watch It, Chono Will Find You.

I’ll let you get right to it.

MichaelC Opinions: He dropped him on his head!

I sat through this entire match going “Bloody hell”. It involved seven thousand head drops.

The ending I particularly loved, as Kenta hits Honda with a big head drop type move. (Burning Hammer?) And Honda kicks out. So Kenta picks him up and looks absolutely furious as he then lariats the hell out of the other guy for the three. It was like he was saying “HOW DARE YOU KICK OUT MY FINISH, MATE!” Amazing.

Kenta is the man.

Also, since this confused d1: Kenta Kobashi and KENTA are different people. Kenta is older. In Japan, heels names are capitalised, like TAKA Michinoku for example. And Kenta is older than KENTA: I’d assume younger KENTA picked up the name in tribute to legendary Kenta, but I don’t know that much. But still, are you impressed I picked up something, Cewshter?

Cewsh: KENTA’s real name is Kenta Kobayashi, and he was the protégé of Kenta Kobashi. Out of respect he shortened his name to just KENTA to avoid confusion.

But yes, I was impressed. You’re learning!

Oh and THIS is the burning hammer:

If Kobashi Had Done This, Honda Wouldn’t Be Eating Solid Food.

Kenta Kobashi Over Tamon Honda Following The Burning Lariat.

Segment 11 – WCW World Heavyweight Championship – Hulk Hogan © vs. Warrior – WCW Halloween Havoc 98.

MichaelC LIES: Better than the WrestleMania match.

: This match is so bad that it may actually be poisonous to ingest it with your eyes. I have contacted the Center For Disease Control and am hoping for the best.

I’m sure that by this point in your life you have probably heard about how bad this match is. But even if you have, it bears repeating. First they come out to their various entrances which are, and I’m being totally serious here, absolutely kickass. Hogan’s entrance is heely and awesome, and Warrior’s entrance is so over the top that its great. This is the highlight of the match. Then they get in the ring for this absolutely titanic and iconic clash of immortals, and proceed to have the most boring match that I have ever borne witness to, and I have seen Matt Cross matches. There are headlocks. Long headlocks. Loving headlocks. There are tests of strength. There are shoulder blocks and taunts. And…yeah, I think that’s a full description of the first 10 minutes of this match. But that’s just them getting warmed up.

Things get really excited when they start busting out such epic moves as the BARRELL BROLL where Warrior seriously just rolls his ass across the ground at Hulk Hogan as an offensive maneuver AND HOGAN SELLS IT. Hogan, not willing to be upstaged, runs to the corner and pulls out a ziplock bag with some flash paper and a lighter in it so he can throw a fireball at Warrior. He spends a solid minute trying to get the lighter to work with the camera DIRECTLY ON HIS HANDS THE WHOLE TIME before finally blowing the whole thing up in his face in a tiny fireball that burnt off his eyebrows and didn’t get close to Warrior.

Ultra Fail.

Now the crowd is laughing and jeering.

Then the NWO runs out to help Hogan and is defeated single handedly by Warrior, because why not? But then Horace Hogan, Hulk’s nephew, comes out and hits Warrior with the single weakest chair shot in wrestling history. An infant could have no sold that bump. Hogan pins Warrior for the win, tells Horace that he “passed the test”, and then they leave.

Even knowing full well the things that people have said about this match, the actual degree to which it was unpleasant is startling. The botches were bad, the wrestling was bad, and the finish made no sense, sure. But it was the 10 minutes of the dullness that really sunk this one harder than anything else. I found my hands casting about for sharp things to stab myself with, just for a comparatively pleasant diversion. I found myself wondering if actively killing puppies would be a funner way to pass the day than to watch this, and finally was willing to do so if only the match would stop.

Are you understanding me fully? THIS MATCH KILLS PUPPIES.


11 out of 100.

Vice: This is the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull to the original’s Raiders of the Lost Ark. When they wrestled this style of match in 1990, the crowd was going wild for all of it. They tried to wrestle the same type of match in front of people in the late 90’s, and they just didn’t give a shit. They wanted more excitement and more to cheer for. This just didn’t work at all like I bet they wanted it to, which is a shame. Another shame is the FIREBALL that did not work at all. Man, the entire match was just a disaster. Have you seen the promo from Ultimate Warrior’s WCW debut? Jesus it was amazing. In an awful way.

Hogan dug Warrior up and made him wrestle a match so he could get his win back. But he finally defeated his biggest nemesis.

It’s such a shame the same will never happen to you.

Hulk Hogan Over The Warrior Following Shenanaigans.

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Well you guys did it again. You reached into the collective subconscious of wrestling fans everywhere and pulled out a series of matches that range from perplexingly odd to extravagantly radtastic. Its one helluva ride from one side to the other, and there’s a reason I love doing them so much. Variety is the spice of life and we appreciate being able to honor our fans this way.

That said, fuck you all for making me look at Big Show’s taint, competitive bread eating, and Hogan/Warrior. Fuck you all very, very much.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 68 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, I used to want you dead, but now I only want you gone.

Vice’s Final Score: 75 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the fruits of your own labors and aren’t to terribly offended by the endless stream of profanity we aimed your way. Join us next time as we tackle TNA Lockdown 2011, their biggest show of the year by default, and in the months to come as we tackle new projects designed to get our names out there so you can all brag that you knew us when. But that’s then and right now i’d like to make sure that you guys know who was responsible for this seminal work of awesomeness. Our buddy Deewun has been awesometastically awesome to us and to you here, and the least you could do is keep an eye on his video blog (the I Have An Opinion part of this crossover) to see his upcoming video review of this very show. He’s great, you’ll love it, now do what I say or face the business end of a trout.

Catch him here:

In the meanwhile, as always, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another!

The Top 5 Nobodies In America Who Made It Big In Japan

Welcome back to the ever shifting sands of the Sunday Supplements, cats and kittens.  Tonight we’re going to talk about the wacky land of Japan.  Not just anything about Japan, though, because god knows we could be here all night just discussing why they sell used girl’s panties in vending machines next to the soda.  No, today, inspired by TAJIRI’s new promotion that we’re reviewing for this week, we’ll be talking about people who never made it in the rat race of American pro wrestling, who nonetheless hit it big in the far east for one reason or another.

Sorry Murdoch, None For You.

So call them gaijin, call them legends, or call them radiculous.  These are 5 men that went nowhere in America, and hit it big in Japan.  So saddle up your sushi, and buy some Hello Kitty merchandise.  It’s time to head to the other side.

Number Five – TAJIRI.

In a way, it’s almost cheating to put Yoshihiro Tajiri on this list.  I mean, he was highlighted in ECW and he was a valued midcarder/lower carder in WWE for several years.  But when it comes to really making it as a performer, TAJIRI was always under appreciated, and never really got the chance to branch out and accomplish all that he was capable of.  Finally, after a few years of doing things like kidnapping white women and teaming with Rhino (and I can’t decide which is more offensive), he got his release and went back to Japan, where he had not wrestled in a full decade.  He was met with respect and admiration by thousands of Japanese fans who had seen him as their sole representation in WWE, and who loved him for his role there.  They proclaimed their love for him, and their desperation to see him wrestle the top Japanese stars of the day.
Tajiri just put his cigarette out, shot them a glare, and told them to go fuck themselves.
And then began the rise of TAJIRI, a man almost unrecognizable from the bland and innocent wrestler people had seen in WWE.  This new TAJIRI was much happier spitting mist in your face than actually wrestling you, and he went from promotion to promotion causing absolute chaos, attacking the top stars in Japan, and then refusing to fight with honor on their terms.  And in such a simple but effective way, TAJIRI because the most interesting and dynamic presence in Japan.  A man defined entirely by chaos, and ruled by nothing but his own free spirit.  He finally found a home amidst the insanity of HUSTLE, and became it’s most credible star, representing them all over the country and engaging in memorable feuds with Minoru Suzuki, Hiroshi Tanahashi and Yuji Nagata, using his wily tactics and mysterious intentions to get into the heads of each and every man who stood across from him.
For Fuck’s Sake, He Made Tanahashi UNPRETTY!
Going home allowed him to blossom into the performer that nobody knew that he could be, and allowed him to become something entirely unique and special in his home country.  His is my choice for the best heel in Japan, and one of the most dynamic wrestlers in the world today.  And we get to review him this week.
Expect squeals of excitement from yours truly.
Number Four – Johnny Ace.

Ah, John Laurinaitis.  To most of us he is one of the commanding authority figures in World Wrestling Entertainment today, holding sway over the talent, and generally being Vince McMahon’s right hand McMan.  To some others of us, he may be known for his tag team work in the NWA, as a member of the Dynamic Dudes with Shane Douglas, where they portrayed themselves as skateboarders.  This despite the fact that both clearly didn’t know one end of a boarded object from the other. 

Oh It’s Real.  It’s Damn Real.

So what is the missing link between skateboarding wannabe and powerhouse executive for the most powerful wrestling promotion in the world? To put it simply: randomness.
John Laurinaitis, brother of Road Warrior Animal for the record, did some stuff in America throughout the 80s, in Florida Championship Wrestling and the NWA, but he never really stuck.  So when the NWA parted ways with All Japan, Johnny chose to stay with All Japan, and would go on to have some memorable matches in tags against the likes of Kenta Kobashi and Mitsuharu Misawa.  By the time the All Japan/Pro Wrestling NOAH split happened in 2000, he had been retired for awhile, and had been helping Ms. Baba in the office there, and he leveraged that experience to find himself in the worst job in professional wrestling history.  He was the guy who took over as head booker after Vince Russo got fired from WCW.  When the ship sank, it was Johnny Ace at the tiller.  Vince McMahon must have seen something he liked, however, because when Jim Ross stepped down as Head of Talent Relations, Mr. Ace stepped right in through that door and has been there ever since. 
Now there are any number of things that you might hear about the Ace Man.  About how he’s a miserable prick who fucks every over, to how he’s incompetent at his job and hired the wrong one legged man resulting in the Zach Gowen unfortunateness.  I can’t vouch for or confirm any of those rumors, but what I can say is that he is credited widely as having emphasized a concentration on more ring psychology in the WWE product since his hiring, with his Kings Road influence and experience serving to aid him greatly in passing along perhaps the best wrestling the world has ever known to a new generation.  
He may not have been the greatest or most memorable gaijin of all time, but due to his standing in the wrestling world now, and his influence in passing on the traditions of puroresu, he has more than earned his place as a Japanese success story.
Oh, and he invented the Stone Cold Stunner, the Diamond Cutter and the RKO.
Number Three – Scott Norton.

Quick, make a list in your head of famous American wrestlers who costarred in movies with Sylvester Stallone.  
Okay, other than Estelle Getty.
Alright, times up.  Who’ve you got?  If you said Scott Norton then you’re a fancypants smartass.  But you’re also quite correct.  Norton, a former national championship winning arm wrestler, costarred with Stallone in the 80s cheesefest (of awesomeness) known as Over The Top, and proved his acting chops to be every bit as viable as the kid that nobody remembers, and Sly’s ever descending lip.  
Shown:  The Greatest Movie Poster Of All Time.
After that he bummed around the independent wrestling scene, not really getting anywhere or doing anything, until he was discovered by New Japan Pro Wrestling and sent on a rocket to stardom.  
In his Japanese career he won the IWGP Tag Team Championships with Hercules Hernandez, and spent a great deal of time tagging up with other hulking Americans to take on Japan’s best.  But by far his biggest accomplishments were his two IWGP Heavyweight Championship wins, feats that put him in exclusive company as one of only five gaijin to ever win that coveted prize.  He split time in WCW and NJPW after WCW officials noticed his hulking prescence, but despite being a member of the NWO, he never really found a place in America, and spent far more time getting the Japanese NWO over than the American one, even holding the IWGP Heavyweight Championship while he was in both factions.  A fact that WCW felt merited exactly one mention.  Ever.
Scott Norton was never the biggest, the best, or the most famous, but he left a trail of battered and bloodied warriors across his legacy, and will forever be one of the greatest and most fondly remembered gaijins of all time.
And if he felt like it, he could totally rip your goddamn arm off.  

Number Two – Bob Sapp.
There are twelve billion things you could say about Bob Sapp, the hulking behemoth from Colorado Springs, Colorado.  You could talk about how he was a physical specimen who was drafted in the third round of the 1997 NFL Draft by the Chicago Bears.  You could talk about how he was contracted to be a WCW developmental talent when that fell through, and was seen as one of the most exciting prospects in wrestling history.  You could talk about how he went to Japan and became the first African American to win the IWGP Heavyweight Championship.  You could talk about how he’s an enormous celebrity in Japan, appearing in everything from commercials to movies to action figures.  You could even talk about how he’s a miserable, but fantastically exciting MMA fighter.

But why talk when I can explain Bob Sapp in a simple math equation?

The Recipe To Bob Sapp.



Sappalicious, baby.

Number One – Stan Hansen.
Stan Hansen.  A name synonymous with badass, beer swilling, ass kicking, cowboy American motherfuckers.  He’s a man with more great matches than you’ve had sexual encounters, and a man who is more famous and revered than you and everyone you’ve ever met combined.  
What’s that?  You’ve never heard of him?  Well that’s okay becau…
As I was saying, that’s just fine because Stan Hansen could really give a rat’s ass about what anybody thinks.  He is the ultimate Gaijin, he is the last untamed cowboy, and he is the scourge of Japan.  He is Stan Hansen.  And he’s better than you at everything.  Yes, everything.  Even that.  And especially that, just ask your girlfriend.

Stan Hansen was born August 29th, 1949, 4 years after the end of World War II.  Which was good for Hitler, because otherwise he might have found out what a Lariat For Justice feels like when delivered by an infant fresh off the boat from America.  Hansen actually began wrestling part time while he was trying out from the Detroit Wheels, a team of the now defunct World Football League.  This didn’t last long, though, as none of the pansies in the WFL would step on the field with him, so he turned to wrestling full time to sate his dual desires to hurt people and to be paid to hurt people.

As the years went on he became known as a good wrestler with a severe tendency towards breaking faces whenever he saw fit, until he caught the eye of Giant Baba in All Japan Pro Wrestling.  Hansen went over there and wasted absolutely no time showing the Japanese what a pissed off cowboy looks like, as he would come tearing ass through the crowd swinging a rope around and violently removing anyone within scowling distance of him.  The Japanese fans, being Japanese, loved the shit out of this and would queue up to take one in the kisser from the double hard bastard himself.  While in Japan he became the only man to beat both Giant Baba and Antonio Inoki in championship matches, formed an American League of AssKickery with all of his best buds who came over from the States, and basically reigned down lariats and mean looks on anyone with the balls of steel to step in the ring with him.

To this day, if you were to try to find out who the most famous and well respected wrestlers in Puroresu history were, you wouldn’t have to go far before you found the name Stan Hansen, and mentions of his name bring the word “Lariat” to the lips of many an awed fan.  He was the ultimate American, the perfect cowboy, and when he rode off into the sunset, he left a void that can never be filled.

So here’s to the King of the East, the Lion of Lariats, and the Maharajah of Massive Beatdowns.  He’s a legend, a god, and the top spot of this week’s Top Ten.

Now then, let’s move on.  Wait, what’s that behind you…


Well that’ll do it for us for now, boys and girls.  I hope you enjoyed the brief history lesson that is disguising the blatant plug for this week’s review of TAJIRI’s new SMASH! promotion’s very first show.  Keep an eye out for that coming up soon, and remember, if you see Stan Hansen, be sure to duck.  You can’t say I didn’t warn you…

Cewsh Interviews – Xavier

Top of the evening to you, boys and girls.  Cewsh here with a treat and a half for all of you.  See, we have the best, smartest and handsomest fans in the world, that goes without saying.  But sometimes, despite them being so smart and amazing, and despite us being face meltingly great, on occasion our fans have a tendency to believe that there are things we cannot do.  Build a life size replica of the Louvre out of marshmallows?   Probably not.  Obtain morally questionable photographs of famous celebrities with inanimate objects?  Yeah, not so much our thing.  But when some of you wondered what had become of the former Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Champion Xavier, some of you didn’t believe we had the journalistic prowess to find out.  Well thanks to some friendly probing and one incredibly nice and rad former wrestler who has a great appreciation for his fans, we did just that very thing.

 We Mean Xavier, If That Wasn’t Obvious.

So without any further ado, allow me to present our one of a kind exclusive interview, as we go 5 rounds with the man they call X.

WWE Wrestlemania XXVII

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Wrestlemania XXVII

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the reviewers that bring in the viewers, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as the culmination of the wrestling year (or the part of it your grandma may have actually heard of anyway) is nigh, and it is finally time for WWE Wrestlemania XXVII! Now the sheer media blitz of Wrestlemania (and our preview special if you’re a good little Cewshketeer) has probably made it abundantly clear what is on this show, so I’m not going to waste any more time hyping it for you. All I’ll say is that excitement is high among the CR Clan going in and we have champagne wishes and caviar dreams about how things may go. Will this Wrestlemania top last year’s above average show? What the fuck will the Rock actually be doing here? And for fuck’s sake, will anyone actually get made a star on the greatest stage of them all? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: Wait, wait, not so fast. First its time for…

Segment 2 – Sing Along With The Rock.

Cewsh: We’re greeted to the enormous fucking crowd packed into the Georgia Dome, and the wicked cool set to look at.

That’s A Lot Of Blowjobs.

We also get the national anthem as sung by Keri Hilson, who is decidedly not Justin Beiber (but thanks anyway news rumor sites). Then, before we can expect anything else, we get a snazzy little hype video for the show like it’s a late night talk show, and out comes our host for the night, none other than the Rock.

This Hasn’t Stopped Being Surreal To Me Yet.

After about 5 minutes of getting to the ring, the Rock jumps into the kind of promo that he’s known for. Its got the catchphrases, its got the crowd participation, and it doesn’t have a whole lot else, but it gets the crowd whipped into a frenzy. He winds up talking for like 10 minutes, which is way too long for this sort of thing, but again, people paid money to see the Rock here. They got him.

MichaelC Facts: Daniel Bryan v Sheamus – Great match. I shall always think of it, when I think of epic ***** promised matches like Raven v Al Snow, Bulldog v Berzerker and that 6-man tag Mr Perfect was going to be in at X8. I feel bad for those fans that came all the way from Ireland, as seen at Access, to cheer on their main man. Sheamus is 0-1 at Mania. Bryan is non-existant.


Cewsh: Its very likely that you know enough about me by this point in our relationship to know that there is nothing I love more than a dramatic big show hype video that gets over the feuds with a theme and style that sucks me in. It may be the single easiest way to sell me on a show I may be lukewarm on, and get me on the edge of my seat for a show I’m already into. So you can imagine my disappointment when this video just features a bunch of random clips of people set over a random song. I understand that the idea is to get over the Wrestlemania concept and I’m all for that. But fuck, man, you dedicate 8 seconds to the biggest feuds of the year? Sad face.

Segment 3 – World Heavyweight Championship – (W)Edge © w/ Chr(B)i(gg)stain vs. Alberto Del (Taco) Rio w/ Brod(y Man!)us Clay.

Cewsh: Ah, here we are, the very first match of Wrestlemania, and…surprisingly it’s the World Heavyweight title match. I can’t imagine that Vice is going to be too happy about that. The man starts grumbling when the champion comes out first, much less the title match opening the show. Anyway though, Del Rio comes out looking spiffy as always, though without his customary Shower of Superiority, and is driving a sweet old style Rolls Royce which I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN will not be tampered with in any way after they leave it on stage.

No No, Just Leave That Blocking The Entrance. No Worries.

He has, in tow, his former NXT rookie and new bodyguard Brodus Clay, who has been so marvelously efficient as a bodyguard thus far since joining Del Rio that Christian has managed to beat Del Rio twice already. Earning that paycheck. The champ and Christian are in next and awaaaaaay we go.

We get this shindig underway and Del Rio is a cocky little shit right off the bat, taunting and shoving Edge and manipulating his way into the driver’s seat of the match. No I would like to make it clear at this point that the announcing is not hugely helping this match, as Cole and Lawler snipe at each other repeatedly while Josh Matthews (who it is awesome to see announcing his first Wrestlemania) tries his best to ignore them.

Shown: The Best Announcer In Wrestling Because The Others All Suck.

Inside the ring, Del Rio starts working the arm, setting up for that Cross Armbreaker. They trade moves here and there, include a flip splash to the outside by Edge that looked like something he regretted immediately after trying it.

Edge starts firing up against Del Rio with all of his moves that contain his name in the title, but Del Rio fights back, locking in the Cross Armbreaker, forcing Edge to the ropes. Then shenanigans break out as Clay tries to get involved, causing Christian to come over and get involved, but Clay dumps him on his neck on the floor. Edge looks for the spear, but Del Rio sidesteps, and Clay plasters Edge’s arm into the ring post. Edge won’t quit, though and hits more Edge named moves, and Del Rio is so befuddled by this all that he turns around right into a big fat Spear, putting Alberto, and his legacy, to bed.

After the match, Del Rio sits on the ramp and watches as Edge and Christian grab blunt objects and look at his fucking nice car. Then Christian stands around with a pipe in his hand and watches Edge beat up Del Rio’s car for a long time, because I guess he was too tired from all the nothing he had been doing to get revenge on the man who injured him, while Del Rio does absolutely nothing to stop them. Then they wander off and Del Rio hugs his car, theoretically asking it to forgive him for leaving it out to dry.

This was really the ideal opening match on this card. The crowd got really involved and behind Edge and it made the whole show seem like it was off to a solid start. It didn’t exactly feel like a World Heavyweight title match with the Royal Rumble winner, but hey, take what you can get.

79 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: Cewsh and I disagree, but I thought the end with Edge and Christian beating the hell out of DelRio’s car and DelRio CRYING made him look terrible. Not like “oh, sad little heel. I laugh at your schadenfreude!” But like, “Wow, that guy looked like a dumbass and clearly can’t hang with main eventers.”

Other than that, I did think it was a perfectly fine match. Del Rio hasn’t really been doing it for me in awhile, I’m starting to feel like he’s a one trick pony, and his fatass lacky is terrible and fits him not at all.

I Don’t Imagine Brodus Clay Fits In Much Of Anything.

71 out of 100

Vice: I was very shocked to see this open up the show, but it made sense. With the WWE title featuring Cena, The Rock and that other random guy in the Rock/Cena feud who isn’t the Rock or Cena but happens to be carrying around a debatably coveted Crackerjacks toy, and Triple H/Undertaker being a goliath of a match, you don’t want to put them all too close together. So instead of having Edge/Rio be the second or third match and make it seem like a mild midcard attraction, why not just kick the show off in a fairly huge way?

Alberto Del Rio puts up a good fight here and has a good performance against Edge, but comes up short and does not win the title. That makes him the 4th consecutive person to win the Royal Rumble and lose the title match at Wrestlemania. Slight asterisk for John Cena who actually cashed in the title shot at No Way Out and lost, but found his way into the Wrestlemania match anyway only to lose again (wooo!).

It was a fairly good match, but nothing special overall. I could see it getting an adequate amount of praise if it was a Smackdown main event, but this is Wrestlemania. You have to do more to impress me. Del Rio will bounce back from this and still be a big player. The dude just has so much potential and has taken to the WWE style very well.

I did not like the post-match stuff at all. Edge is the face here and wins the match. Why does he need to be a complete dickhead and mess up Del Rio’s car? I guess it gives them an excuse to wrestle again, but such a thing could be accomplished in other, more logical, less dickish ways. It’s something Steve Austin could have gotten away with just fine because he’s Steve Austin, but it just made Edge look like a petty 5 year old. Why am I supposed to cheer him?

A fairly good way to kick off the show though, all things considered.

MichaelC Facts: This is Edge’s longest title reign by far. His previous longest ran from December 2007 to December 2008.

For all the talk of Christian turning heel, none of the booking that led up to this show would make that make any sense.

The last time a Spear (for anyone) won a match at Wrestlemania, it was into a burning table at Mania 22.

World Champs are 3-6 at Mania since the belt was introduced. Edge joins Chris Jericho and Triple H as the only men to retain the belt.

Batista is the only man to have won and lost a World title at WrestleMania, in 2005 and 2007 respectively. But in 2007, he was up against The Streak, so that could be why.

Alberto Del Rio is 0-1 at Mania now. Edge is 5-4, having fallen away badly after his earlier undefeated days.

Christian, on whom the match turned, is 3-4 at Mania, his last win coming over Chris Jericho at XX.

Edge Over Alberto Del Rio Following The Spear.

Segment 4 – Cody (The Elephant Man) Rhodes vs. Rey (Lieutenant America) Mysterio.

Cewsh: There are many things that could be discussed here about this match. We could talk about how Rey pretty much has the same match he always has, or about how Cody Rhodes steals Rey’s knee brace to use against him and Rey steals Cody’s mask to do the same. We could talk about the ending where Rhodes beats Mysterio (more or less) clean and in surprising fashion, or about how this storyline is clearly far from over. Those are all good and important things to talk about. But I want to talk about Cody Rhodes and Rey Mysterio for a minute.

Cody Rhodes was, for a long time, looked at as an afterthought. His tag team with Hardcore Holly was an afterthought altogether, he was always the one seen to have the least potential in Legacy, and once he became “Dashing” he was just another midcard heel trying to find his place. But once he got his hands on this storyline, he did what few other people could or would do, he made it work.

I mean this storyline is ridiculous for all the reasons that Vice said. But all along the way, Cody has been delivering promos and staying in character and trying SO HARD to make this work, that he’s gotten this over by sheer force of will. And he had to, because the other half of this program is Rey Mysterio, and Rey Mysterio does no one any favors. Now there was a time when feuding with Rey could do you a lot of good. He was over, he had electrifying matches, and they didn’t ask too much of him in promos and vignettes. It was a blissful time when ponies ran free in the meadows and gas was a dime a barrel. Fast forward to now, however, and he has become a liability to the people he works with. He isn’t remotely as over as he once was, he has visibly slowed down and become sloppier in the ring, and those two things have caused them to rely upon promo and acting skills from him which he, frankly, does not have.

Yes, Hang Your Head Upside Down In Shame, You Miscreant.

This match worked fine, and the storyline isn’t dead. And it is all thanks to Cody Rhodes.

Future main eventer.

70 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: Cody Rhodes deserves an Oscar, a Tony, and about a dozen Emmy’s for keeping this storyline afloat. Rey Rey deserves a swift kick in the face. The ridiculous story hurts everyone and everything it touches, but like a brilliant ray of light, Cody tries to shine through.

I want to tell you a match that revolves around a flimsy piece of clear plastic being a crippling weapon is complete dog shit, but I can’t. Every point this match earns, Cody fought his ass off for.

68 out of 100

Vice: I’d comment on Rey Mysterio coming out as Captain Mexico while keeping the colors of the American flag, but something tells me people would immediately pull the “OMG RACIST” card, despite it not involving racism, since everyone is so overly sensitive about everything these days. So, I’ll just leave it at “He looked really stupid”, I suppose. He looked really stupid.

“Captain Pedophile Will Be Back For You Later, Little Boy.”

And he’s annoying.

This storyline with Cody has me scratching my head. He has his face disfigured by Rey, so he wears a mask while trying to hide his face from the camera so they don’t see the hideous monster he’s become. Yet the mask is clear, allowing us to see his face quite.. CLEARLY. If he’s some blemished, revolting beast of a human being that doesn’t want anyone to see his face, then shouldn’t he, you know, wear an opaque mask? I could imagine him wearing a clear mask if he had his face restored to his previously dashing self, so that we could all see just how dashing he is WHILE preventing future destructions of his face.

And I’m going to bitch about this—when Cody was first selling the injury, with zero blood mind you (something that uuuusually comes with faces breaking, and if not, then they at least bleed in [strike]wrestling[/strike] Sports Entertainment to portray such a thing), Cody sells it by covering his mouth up, and I guess the very bottom of his snout too. So if the lower half of his face was what took the impact, then why cover up the top half with a mask? Either sell the top half of his face and wear the style of mask he has now, or sell the bottom and wear a bottom half Hannibal-esque mask because his smile has been ruined. Heck, cover all your bases with a Vega mask. Or something.

Basically it’s a fun concept for him to wear a mask after being bonked with a knee brace, but no matter how you slice it, something is just.. wrong. It’s confusing. Regardless though, Cody does a good job of playing his character; whatever it is. He and Rey put on a solid but unspectacular match that picks up a lot towards the end, leading to Cody picking up the win. It’s something that made me very happy. Not so much me being a big fan of Cody, but mostly because Rey lost. He is very annoying, after all.

And Captain Pedophile Retreats Back Into The Mist, To Be Underwhelming Another Day.

MichaelC Facts: Cody is 1-1 at Mania now. Rey is 4-3.

A win over a former two time World Champion should push Rhodes into contention further up the card. Bar the submission victory over DX, Rhodes’ biggest victory to date.

Cody Rhodes Over Rey Mysterio Following The Cross Rhodes.

Segment 5 – The Villain Rap/Summer Lovin’/Friday/Leprechaun Limmerick Mash Up Spectacular.

Cewsh: In order to explain this segment properly, I am going to have to break it down into its disparate parts.

Part 1: We find Teddy Long and Snoop Dogg theoretically backstage setting up for some kind of talent show. The idea of this is that the winner may or may not get to be on Snoop’s new album, which of course is already done and coming out, which is why he’s promoting it. Now judging on past talent shows of this kind, the odds of Snoop Dogg finding something he can use on a rap album from the WWE roster is like finding a wrestler plumber who can actually fix a sink. But hey, ever the dream.

Part 2: William Regal is up first and he proceeds to speak in rhyme in what I’m guessing is as close to rapping as many 40 year old British men get. Its actually not half bad, but Snoop Dogg seems less than impressed. Sorry Snoop, but if you think you’re likely to find better than that, you’re in for some trouble when…

Part 3: The Great Khali and Beth Phoenix show up in tennis outfits and sing the single worst version of Summer Lovin’ from grease that has ever been committed to any medium, and that includes the YouTube video where a guy literally farted it out. At this point you have to wonder who exactly let this act into the talent show to begin with.

This Picture Hurts My Soul A Little.

At least Regal grazed the concept of rapping, but anybody asking a cursory question to these two like “Hey, do you plan on rapping?” would have easily ferreted these two out. And not just them, but also…

Part 4: Zack fucking Ryder. The Long Island Iced Z dials up the very hippest song he can think of, which turns out to be a fanciful little ditty by a girl named Rebecca Black called “Friday” If you haven’t been exposed to this gem yet (and that seems wildly impossible) please by all means, experience it for yourself.

Seriously, If You Have Avoided Hearing This Song You Are Either Deaf Or A Wizard.

It is at this point where Roddy Piper sneaks up and justifiably crushes a coconut over the head of Ryder, shrugs and leaves.

Ignorance Is Bliss.

Snoop doesn’t seem impressed, but frankly, this is standing ovation worthy here.

Part 5: Chris Masters and Yoshitatsu come out. Masters jiggles his pecs to the beat of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” as Yoshi tries to sing along in broken English.

All The While Gazing Longingly At The Masterpecs.

I want to hate this but I can’t, because they’re too adorable. And somehow, I think this would make Freddie Mercury proud.

Part 6: Hornswaggle comes out, but naturally does not possess the ability to talk, as has been established for like 5 years now. Then, after Snoop and Teddy wander off, Swaggle grabs a microphone, conjures an Irishy beat from nowhere and begins to rap as the Bella Twins come to dance up on him. Now, not only has he just spoken for the first time, as far as we know, in his entire life, but he has just cut a rap. The Bella Twins are completely unfazed by this, and apparently just grind up on any man they see rapping.

Being A Leprechaun Groupie Isn’t Easy. No Back Support, For One.

But that’s not the only problem, see, the entire goddamn joke is that they underestimate Hornswaggle, so he shockingly busts out some awesome rhymes, and its funny. Haha. That’s the whole joke. But the rap Hornswaggle provides is worst rap I have ever heard in my entire life. This includes, might I add, the time my grandmother organized freestyle night at the old folks home (which was won by Pastor Jeffries with some choice “Your Granddaughter’s A Whore” jokes).

Truly, I am baffled at the kind of things people have to do for their Wrestlemania paycheck. There are talented people here, with serious potential. But just being in segments like this, put them one step closer to that Johnny Ace phone call in the sky. Sheesh.

Can you sum this all up for us, Snoop?

Yes, Shame On You All.

Segment 6 – The Corre (Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Ezekiel Jackson) vs. The Muster of Brohan (Kane, Big Show, Santino Marella, and Kofi Kingston).

Vice: This match was never going to be great, and it was never going to get a heck of a lot of time anyway, but a minute and 35 seconds? Seriously?

Cewsh: All 8 guys get down to the ring, things get hectic and before you know it, everybody has done their finisher and Show punches Heath Slater for the win.

Now this feud has been simmering since January and they just blew it off in 2 minutes. I can only imagine how anyone who bought this show for this must feel, but then, I have trouble imagining anyone who bought the show for it.

So fair enough I guess.

56 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: Really? Everyone got a ‘Mania paycheck for that? This couldn’t have been bumped instead of Bryan/Sheamus? Shit. Shitty shitty shit. Bad WWE.

38 out of 100

MichaelC Facts: This is the WrestleMania debut of 5 men in the match. If we can call it a match.

Kane is now 6-8 at WrestleMania, and yes, I am counting Storm/Val vs Kane/RVD. Kofi is 1-2. Big Show is 3-7, and only ever wins tag matches. Three of Show’s matches have involved Kane, but they have never faced off one on one at the show.

This was the 14th shortest match in WrestleMania history, and had it gone about another 25-40 seconds it wouldn’t even be in the shortest 20 matches.

Slater’s compatriots in this time frame? Bobby Heenan, Boris Zhukov, SD Jones, Adam Bomb….and The Big Show.

The Muster of Brohan Over The Corre Following Stuff.

Segment 7 – In Which Our Hero Confronts The Beauty, The Rival and Some Stale Pie.

Cewsh: Backstage, we find the Rock talking to our lovely Divas Champion Eve. He’s macking on her in his usual Rock way and, trying to impress her, says he’ll create some Wrestlemania magic with the very next person who walks around the corner. This turns out to be the ever vigilant Mae Young who is very interested in acquired a piece of the People’s Strudel.

Mae Young: Making People Uncomfortable Since The Jefferson Administration.

The Rock tries awkwardly to get rid of her, and finally gets Eve to lead her off and composes himself. Then he turns directly into Stone Cold Steve Austin, and for me the world fucking stops for a second. The history between these two is so thick you could cut it with an axe.

*brain explodes*

They face off, say respectful things to each other and the buzz intensifies until Austin turns and walks off, taking a missed opportunity with him.

But shit, for that one moment, whew. Goosebumps.

Segment 8 – Rand(all)y Orton vs. CM (Cock Monocle) Punk.

Cewsh: The backstory of this match started a few months ago, after John Cena single handedly disposed of the entire Nexus in one Royal Rumble match and blew off his feud with Punk on Raw. So it was an inauspicious start. But Punk came out and told Orton that he remembered the time that Orton and Legacy had jumped Punk 2 years ago and forced him out of the match to defend his World title during Punk’s very first reign when he was a cheerful babyface. So now that Punk had an army in the Nexus, he decided to punish Randy for that indiscretion. Unfortunately, though, he messed with the wrong Viper.

Week after week Orton beat Punks army and punted a member onto the disabled list until there was no more Nexus. Then came Punk. Finally, Punk resorted to holding Orton’s wife hostage to trap Orton into getting his leg destroyed with a pipe.

As the match starts, the injured leg is 100% the focus of Punk’s attack. Over and over he finds new and unique ways to absolutely murder the right wheel of the Viper. Orton tries his best to fight Punk off, but he’s just at a huge disadvantage, and every move he manages to complete just results in his leg giving out on him as he yells in frustration and pain. Punk works him over and over and over until it seems like there’s nothing left that can be done, as even the Punt fails Orton, ans he stumbles and falls mid stride, his leg giving out again. Punk goes to pick the bones with a Springboard Clothesline, and that’s the first mistake he makes all match. Its also the last one he’ll make, as Orton springs up on his one good leg and snatches Punk out of the air with a thunderous RKO for the end of times.

This match was really just damn good. Punk worked Orton over mercilessly and it never grew dull, and Orton’s selling was virtually flawless, with him even seeming preoccupied with the leg when it wasn’t necessary, giving off the feeling that he was helpless and he knew it. Just a great Wrestlemania midcard match, and the best thing this feud has provided thus far by far.

83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Mrs.Cewsh: Despite the fact that he saved the Elimination Chamber for me, I just can’t bring myself to care much about CM Punk. I think the New Nexus was a complete misstep and the buildup to this match hasn’t been that compelling. Similarly, I love Randy to death, but he’s a terrible face and can’t make me NEED to see him wrestle.

The Punker Is Not Pleased.

Both men get in the ring and have a good match. Randy’s selling of the knee was pretty impressive and Punk looked great and crazy. I do think if they’re going to continue feuding, Punk should have picked up the win. Otherwise, Orton beat the entire Nexus. Why go on? Still, the top rope RKO was a cool spot. I’m just not thinking about this match days later.

73 out of 100

Vice: Punk proved yet again why he is a spectacular talent, and Orton did fairly decently as well to put on a good match, and it was, but the ending had me in disbelief. I can understand why they gave the win to Orton here, but at the same time it just fucks everything up and made a mockery of their feud to this point. I’m not upset because it’s Punk either. It could have been Zack Ryder in this feud instead and I’d still be gawking at the decision to let Orton win. That’s all I’m going to say here, as elaborating will only hurt my brain and probably damage my poor keyboard.

MichaelC Facts: Punk is 2-3. Orton is 4-4.

Randy Orton over CM Punk Following The RKO.

Segment 9 – The Rock’s Arch Rival…

Cewsh: …Pee Wee Herman.


If it had been Hurricane I would have given this show a 100.

Segment 10 – Michael (The Reflection of Perfection) Cole w/ Jack (A Paycheck’s A Paycheck) Swagger vs. Jerry (The Narcissist) Lawler – Special Referee: Rock Chilly Steve Austin.

Cewsh: Look, we all know that this was not supposed to be some kind of mat classic.

When Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler started feuding all those months ago, we all knew it was going to lead to a match where Lawler would murder Cole and we’d all be able to sleep better having seen it. When Steve Austin was added to the match, the inevitable satisfying beatdown became all the more likely and exciting. And then the time for the beating finally came. Cole came down wearing a ridiculous wrestling singlet and hid in the Cole Mine booth stalling until Lawler went and grabbed him, and pressed him against the glass. This was great.


Then Lawler got him in the ring and everything went terribly, terribly wrong.

Firstly, Cole starts to beat up Lawler. Not cleanly, as Swagger jumps Lawler first, but Cole puts a terrible looking beating on Lawler for way, way too fucking long. Then Lawler beats up Cole, but not with any passion, just sort of haphazardly. Then he puts Cole in an Anklelock and Austin jokes around refusing to let Cole tap out and lose. Then Cole does tap and loses, and then Austin has a beer party with Lawler. Then Booker T, who is a face and commentating this, gets in the ring to celebrate with them and Austin gives him the Stunner for no reason. Then the Anonymous GM emails Josh Matthews and awards the match to Michael Cole for no fucking reason. Then, for even less reason, Austin drags Josh Matthews, possibly the most sympathetic character on the planet Earth, and brutally stuns him too. Then everybody leaves us with the tatters of what this could have been. After 20 fucking minutes.

But I would have forgiven them. When they brought out Jim Ross to announce this match, I realized I was more excited to see him than any wrestler on this show.

Don’t Leave Us Again, JR!

When he was announcing I was thrilled to see and hear it, and then when the following night on Raw Cole came back I watched the rest of the show on mute. If you’re going to have Michael Cole play this character, he belongs as a talent, managing someone he can help with his heat, or as a GM himself, helping segments along and transitioning the show. What he does not belong doing, is ruining every fucking segment he takes part in by talking over everything always.

As a match, this was better than Vince/Hart, but somehow it was even more of a letdown.

So yeah, fuck this match.

18 out of 100.

: What the fucking fuckshit was this bullfeces? I hope whoever wrote this ending steps on a Lego brick in the middle of the night. I hope whoever is continuing to write the Anonymous GM chokes on a bushel of pinecones. And I hope Austin is ashamed of Stunnering someone as adorable as Matthews.


19 out of 100

Vice: This had potential to be one of those fun feel-good matches, but no. It went on way, way, way too fucking long, Michael Cole got way too much offense in, and the entire thing just ended up being horrible. On top of all that, the GM overturns the decision and gives Cole the victory via DQ. What the hell? It’s just the worst of both worlds.

If the match was 5 minutes of Lawler having a blast as he kicked the utter crap out of Cole in a very satisfying squash of a beatdown, and then ended up being disqualified, then at least you gave the fans what they wanted to see before pulling the rug out. But you don’t have the wimpy non-wrestler Cole work over a legend that recently gave Miz one hell of a run for his money, in a terribly long match that received tons of boring chants, and then give him the win in the end anyway. Again, what the hell?

With entrances and all the post-match stuff, this shit took up a 20 minute block of time. That’s absurd when Sheamus/Danielson got bumped from the show and The Corre 8 man tag got a minute and a half. Sure this match has been building longer, but it’s still two commentators going at it at the end of the day. Give the fans a quick feel-good moment and be done with it. Don’t fuck them over and then fuck them over again. The booking of this is just baffling.

Michael Cole Over Jerry Lawler Following Shenanigans.

Segment 11 – No Holds Barred – Triple (Double) H vs. The Undertak(ing Of Great Tasks)er.

Vice: This match was all kinds of nuts, but let’s start with the entrances.

Triple H’s was glorious. For Whom the Bell Tolls just sounds so epic, and then you factor in the shielded soldiers, the cape and the skull mask, and you have one hell of a sight.

Warning: Badass Supply Reaching Dangerous Levels.

I’m a little let down by Triple H not coming to the ring while dressed as Shao Kahn, but whatever. It was still great, even if it was sliiiiiiightly on the ridiculous side. I’m going to be honest here and say that I’m not a big fan of Undertaker’s new theme. Yeah it’s a great song, yeah it’s very fitting, but I just prefer his other theme. I like WWE branching out and using licensed music here, but I’m guessing at least For Whom the Bell Tolls will be turned into something extremely generic due to nobody wanting to pay Lars Ulrich $12 million to allow it onto the DVD.

The match starts off incredibly fast with both men going all out, and then they don’t really sell much of anything before going all out again. At first this really irritated me, but then I started thinking more about it, and it made complete sense. They both know the other is incredibly durable, and if given any sort of chance, they can be extremely destructive. With so much on the line between these two titans, I think I’d have accepted Triple H diving out of the ring via trampoline with oversized burning sledgehammer in hand and Taker countering it via lightning bolt to the dick to start the match. In fact, I think that’s the only way the match could have been made better to be honest.

Mentally Insert Lightning Bolts and Firehammers.

Again, I was slightly irritated by the number of finishers going on in this match at first, but again it made sense when I put a few seconds of thought into it. It added a ton to the story about how much of a battle it was. I know I kind of shat on Michaels/Taker II due to them being in overdrive from the beginning and it being a finisher-fest, but I think it worked a lot better in this match than in that, though this makes me want to go back and watch said match to see if I’d appreciate it more.

And Let’s Not Forget A Fucking CHAIR HEADSHOT For Fuck’s Sake.

This match had so many amazing nearfalls that had my heart skipping beats, and I found myself completely losing myself in the match. I was no longer watching the match with a monocle, pipe in mouth and stroking my beard with pen on paper creating a list of what was wrong with the match. I was a fan. I was caught up in everything. When Triple H hit his final pedigree, I was still fairly confident that Taker would kick out of it, but I just wasn’t entirely sure. I actually moved my face closer to the screen during the pinfall, and jerked back when Taker kicked out.

And then came what I will say is the most true, definitive, amazing, brilliant, heartstopping near fall in the history of WWE when Triple H hit the tombstone on Taker and did the tongue out hands on the chest Undertaker pinfall. Everything leading up to it.. everything from this match.. everything from Undertaker’s other Wrestlemania matches.. everything from Michaels/Flair.. everything from both Michaels/Undertaker matches.. everything.. I was 100% convinced that Triple H did the impossible and was about to defeat him and end the streak. I couldn’t see myself as it happened, but I know I looked like a true fucking idiot for those few long seconds. It was a combination of refusing to breathe, wide eyes, jaw on my desk, and my face 5 inches from the screen. When Taker kicked out, I actually muttered a very audible “fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” before covering my mouth and looking around in complete disbelief. I’ve had moments where I’ve been in disbelief of what just happened, but never once as a wrestling fan have I ever been in a position where I’ve been so absolutely shocked and simply engrossed in a match. It was unbelievable.


The finish was pretty amazing as well. Undertaker had nothing left in the tank, but was still able to do a desperation Hell’s Gate. Part of me kind of wants to be obnoxious and say that the move should have caused Triple H to pass out in about 15 seconds, but such a thing could be chalked up to Undertaker simply not having enough strength to completely lock it in and shut Triple H down immediately, so he had to keep it locked in for a hell of a lot longer to slowly kill him off. I loved Triple H’s struggle, and I knew that Triple H was going to go for the sledgehammer to get out of it, so when I saw him blindly patting his hands around trying to find it, I got a big smile on my face. When he picked it up, I was thinking he’d batter Undertaker to get out of it, so him dropping it was a very nice tease.


Triple H has had some really great sledgehammer teases over the years. I remember him grabbing a sledgehammer as Batista(?) went to powerbomb him, and as he was about to introduce metal to skull, Batista pulled the trigger and destroyed ol’ Hunter. There have been some cool moments for sure. This was one of those. Brilliant tease. Triple H tapping at the end of it kind of went against how he said he’d die trying to end the streak, so I was thinking passing out would have been more fitting, buuuut I think tapping out is more definitive. Part of me also wants to think that Triple H didn’t want to step on Stone Cold’s epic passing out toes at Wrestlemania 13, but I’m probably just being silly.

I’ve nitpicked a few things, but never have I been so into a match before, and I don’t think there’s ever been a match in America that can rival this in terms of storytelling. It had decades of story to work off of with two absolute wrestling icons going at it in front of 70,000 people with their careers winding down, which made the storytelling a heck of a lot easier since it’s much harder to make something out of very little, but I’m not taking anything away from these two. This was a five star match. An easy five star match. One of the best matches I’ve ever seen. The most I’ve ever been emotionally invested in a match.

Triple H walked out of the arena while Undertaker was stretchered out, showing that Undertaker can get beaten to death and still find a way to come out on top, though ironically he won from the bottom. I’m ridiculously excited to see what happens next year, as all of his latest Wrestlemania matches have all tied together to create one big story. And that story will continue next year, and Undertaker really could end up leaving 19-1 in another legendary match.

Another Entry In The Graveyard.

I’d also like to point out that I’m very shocked that this was not the main event. It was by far the biggest match on the card and it’s an impossible act to follow. I’ve been somewhat critical about Triple H when it comes to putting matches over the world titles. He justified going on last at Wrestlemania 18 against Jericho, overtop Rock/Hogan, because he said that the title should go on last because it’s the most important thing in the company. But then when Benoit won the title off him, he faded into the background and Triple H and Shawn Michaels ran the show with their feud, leading to their Hell in a Cell match main eventing over Benoit’s defense against Kane. Then later, Triple H and Michaels reuniting as DX to take on the SPIRIT SQUAD main evented over RVD and Edge for the title. I think there was another instance or two, but he’s headlined over the title a few times now, so in a way I was glad to see him not headline Mania even if it kind of ruined the rest of Wrestlemania by putting on such a breathtaking match. Michaels headlined Wrestlemania over the title last year, and Michaels was in all of the matches with Triple H that headlined over the title at other PPVs, so I’m blaming him for all of this. You getting retired serves you right, you jerk! But perhaps Triple H will get his rematch next year and main event it like Michaels. I really have no clue how they’d be able to top this match though.

It was just that fucking good.

Mrs.Cewsh: I wasn’t 100% sold on this until Trips started screaming at Taker to just stay down. Then it got fantastic.

The Look Of Shock And Fear Dude. Yes.

89 out of 100

Cewsh: Fuck, man. Just fucking fuck.

You know, as the steward of these fine reviews, a lot of the time its my job to give you the play by play for a match, to let you know what happened. Other times it is my job to tell you about the back story of a match, because it feeds into the match itself. Still other times, it is my job to ignore the match to go on a profanity laden rant because that’s all the match deserves. But ultimately all of these are intended to serve the same purpose. To let you know whether or not this is some shit you should seek out of see for yourself or if its just something you should know happened and not waste your time. But with THIS match, the rules of that are turned upside down. The idea that you may not be aware of what makes this match worth watching is baffling to me. You should download this match for the entrances alone, much less the clash between these two legends that has been building so well to this crescendo.

So if I don’t need to tell you whether or not to watch this, than what should I tell you?

How about this? This match got me more emotionally involved than any match I have seen since becoming (shamefully) a smark. The Undertaker has been wrestling these Mania matches for years and years without ever actually making me believe that he could be beaten. But this match is, from start to finish, all about beating the Undertaker. There is no length that Triple H does not go to. No move or weapon he doesn’t try. He beats on Taker and beats on him, and beats on him until the old man is a battered pulp who can’t even reach his feet, but still, he kicks out again and again, out of near falls so close that each one had me jumping out of my seat. One near fall in particular, Triple H’s Tombstone, was so certain, so DEFINITIVE, that when the Undertaker kicked out I actually audible shouting “HOLY FUCK WHAAAAA?!” like a 9 year old watching a John Cena match.


The experience was so utterly unlike anything I have been forced to feel by wrestling in so long that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to view this match objectively. It just WORKED. And then the finish? There aren’t enough variations on the word fuck to do it justice.

On its own, this would be a match to talk about 27 Wrestlemanias from now. It would be remembered as a great match that had one of the best sell jobs in wrestling history from the Undertaker and an incredible finish that kept us guessing. It would be great alone. But when you combine it with the backstory of the Shawn Michaels matches and the history here and the atmosphere? This becomes something different altogether.


99 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

MichaelC Facts: Undertaker is 19-0 and has never been beaten at WrestleMania. People might not know that.

Triple H is 7-8.

The Undertaker Over Triple H Following The Hell’s Gate.

Segment 12 – Team Vickie Keeps Us Relevant (Dolph Ziggler and Laycool) vs. The Brunette Mafia (John Morrison, Trish Stratus and Snookie).

Mrs.Cewsh: You know what? It’s cool.

I don’t care that no one but Michelle was ever legal on the heels side. I don’t care that she had to sell for a wrestler who retired five years ago and a celebrity. I don’t care that all Morrison got to do was a kickass Starship Pain to the outside.

This Was Literally His Only Move All Match.

Snooki got in the ring, did two moves that arguably any ex-cheerleader could, and got the pin. But this was never going to be a ***** match. It was never going to have the heels win. She was extremely impressive for a wrestling celebrity, she seemed to really try and be into it, and it was a good comedown from the last match.

57 out of 100

Vice: Snooki, as a non-wrestler, showed more ability, character, and straight-up potential as a talent than John Morrison has, and he’ll probably be a world champ sooner than later.

That’s all there really is to say here. It was a 3 minute match, so what do you expect?

Cewsh: This was a short match, but guess what? Of all of these talented performers, Snookie stole the fucking match.

OH NO! The World Is Ending! A Celebrity Is Wrestling!

Suck on that, haters.

70 out of 100.

The Brunette Mafia Over Team VKUR Following A Handspring Splash From Snookie to McCool.

Segment 13 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – The (Radtaculariest) Miz © w/ Alex (Jeeves) Riley vs. John (The Kool Aid Man) Cena.

Cewsh: This was the match we all told them we wanted.

Think back to how many years we’ve been calling for WWE to finally make another big star. To give somebody new a chance in the main event slot of Wrestlemania. Think about all the times you heard somebody say that they never give anybody a chance of any kind. This is it. Tonight is the night where they finally take that final step with a new guy and say “this is the guy, our new main event sensation” And his name is The Miz.

The videos for each man before the match starts are incredible, that must be said straight out. Miz’s makes him look like such a fucking star. Frankly it probably does more for him in 3 minutes than any win he’s ever had. Cena’s is more solemn and Cena like, as DMX talks about saving the children and his redemption and all. Miz comes out through a big bubble that says Awesome and struts his way to the ring. Cena comes out to a full gospel chorus belting out his theme song. In case you hadn’t noticed, these two couldn’t be any more different and they’d like you to remember that.

The match starts and these guys settle in for the usual sort of John Cena main event match. The heel hits John a lot and then sells for a signature spot from time to time before shutting John down again. Tried and true. However there’s a problem. This crowd does not like John Cena. They don’t HATE him either, and they aren’t really rabid in support of Miz. So in the main event of Wrestlemania, as Miz and Cena try to put together a solid match, the crowd is just not there at all.

Despite Awesome Fuck Moves Like This.

They press on regardless, though, with Cena giving Miz a huge diving clothesline over the barricade outside the ring, where Miz’s head slams into the pavement. Then things start getting screwy.

First, the referee counts out both men, so the main event of Wrestlemania ends…via countout. Then the Rock comes stalking out and says that this is bullshit and he’s restarting the match. Then the Anonymous GM emails in, but the Rock goes to the podium and insults the computer for awhile. At this point its been like 5 minutes since this was a match. So then Cena and Miz get back in the ring, and Miz totters around uncertainly, lending credence to my theory that the fall to the pavement knocked Miz out and Rock was covering for him. Then Cena, out of nowhere, walks right into a Rock Bottom, and Miz covers him for the three and the win.


See, here’s the thing. If Miz was injured and they did what they had to do to get him into the ring and capable of pinning Cena, then they did the best they could and it was a shitty situation. But if this was somehow the plan all along then it was an incredible blunder on the part of WWE. To take a dead crowd and then kill them AGAIN, before ending the match out of nowhere with Miz winning and immediately being an afterthought to the Rock is just sort of…yeah.

On the other hand, fuck. Miz is only the second heel to win in the main event of Wrestlemania, and is the first man ever to beat John Cena one on one at the big show. So IN A WAY, this is the rub and push of a lifetime. Its just that in another, more accurate way, this was messy nonsense.

I’m just going to go ahead and say it. This was a TNA PPV main event in the main event of Wrestlemania. I can’t imagine a harsher criticism than that.

71 out of 100.

Mrs.Cewsh: They should have just shown the videos and gone home.

There’s no match to speak of. It was a storyline. In the main event of Wrestlemania. Miz took the sickest headbump and everyone got counted out and it sucked.

Concussion? YOUR MOM’S A Concussion.

If this was F4W, sure we can go with that. This is WRESTLEMANIA. WHY DO YOU DO THIS?

69 out of 100

Vice: The videos they made for this match were absolutely amazing. Some of the best work WWE has done in a long time. Miz’s was just all kinds of badass and was PERFECT for him. Made him look like an obnoxious superbrat while being credible. Cena’s was really well done, despite being a bit hokey in my opinion. Miz had a cool entrance, but I thought the “AWESOME!” inflatables looked very cheap. Cena’s choir was not my cup of tea, though I can kind of see why people would like it. Personally I’d rank it up there with his worst entrances, like pretty much every other one of his ridiculous entrances. As a geek, I got a smile out of him coming out in a red shirt, as that is exactly how I feel about him.


I’m just going to get this out of the way here: the match was dreadful, the crowd didn’t give even the slightest hint of a fuck for the majority of it, and it is probably the worst headlining main event in Wrestlemania history. Nothing about it clicked, and it just felt like filler. It didn’t help that THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEFUCKINGMANIA ended in a double count out draw. The crowd spent the entire match waiting for The Rock to come out and do something, and after sucking the wind out of the crowd completely with the no contest, people didn’t even care that much about The Rock by the time he came out. His involvement was awful as well. The whole General Manager shit has been beaten into the ground like none other over the past number of months, and has become beyond atrocious. First there’s the GM shit in the Rumble, then in the Elimination Chamber, and now in THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEFUCKINGMANIA? I don’t know how anyone could support this anymore. It’s absurd. I’d understand them pulling this shit on a RAW, and by that I mean I’d hate it but I’d merely roll my eyes at it, but you do not do this in THE MAIN EVENT OF WRESTLEFUCKINGMANIA.

Rock restarts the match, wrecks Cena and Miz cleans up the scraps for the victory. Yeah I’m stoked that Miz won and Cena lost, but bloody hell. This is TNA levels of shitty endings, but they at least generally have the decency to do it on their lesser PPVs that no one even bothers ordering, much less watching. To top things off, Rock then makes Miz look like a bitch and a non-wrestler is the one standing tall to close out the show. Sure it sets up future involvement from The Rock, but at the sacrifice of the main event of the biggest PPV of the year? Awful.

This was an appalling end to the show.

MichaelC Facts: Miz is 2-0 at WrestleMania, his streak includes R-Truth and John Cena.

Cena is 6-2 at WrestleMania. This is his first singles defeat at the show after defeating Big Show, JBL, HHH, Shawn Michaels and Batista.

Miz is the first heel since 2008 to retain the World Championship. Only Miz, Randy Orton and Triple H have retained the title at Mania as a heel.

Miz is only the second man to retain it in the main event after Triple H, eleven years ago.

Only The Miz, Triple H, Randy Orton, John Cena, Diesel and Hulk Hogan have retained the WWF/E Championship at WrestleMania.

The facts don’t lie. The match might not have been good, but the results put Miz in very hallowed company.

The Miz Over John Cena Following Shenanigans.
Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Shit guys, I don’t even know. This show can’t really be seen to be a great show with some of the crazy garbage contained within, but on the other hand, I can’t pan it completely as it has a handful of good matches, a really good match and an all time classic. So the middle ground maybe? I guess I’ll leave that question to philosophers. All I know is that when I think about this show in the years to come, it really wont be with fondness.

All the potential in the world, and they gave us TNA. Shame.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 68.16 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall I didn’t really enjoy this Wrestlemania a heck of a lot. For the first time ever, I had almost no interest heading into what is usually my “no matter how much I am disinterested in wrestling, this reminds me why I’m still a fan” show, and I left with what is one of the greatest matches I have ever seen, and a plethora of reasons reminding me why I have trouble staying a fan. Ridiculous booking, wacky decisions, confusion, dartboard direction, eyebrow raising priorities, and some really stupid skits/segments.

With it being Wrestlemania, expectations are higher and there is a lot more pressure to put on a truly wonderful show. Trips and Taker knocked it out of the park in ways I couldn’t have even imagined, but everything else fell short in one way or another.

Vice’s Final Score: 65 out of 100.
Mrs. Cewsh’s Final Thoughts:

Mrs. Cewsh: This may not be the worst Wrestlemania in history, but its certainly the worst PPV since I started watching (barring December to Dismember). The main event was a joke, and I’m sorry I paid money for this. I wish I had turned it off after the 8 man. I would’ve missed Taker/Triple H, which was an excellent match, but I would’ve felt better about myself.

Mrs. Cewsh’s Final Score: 60.5 out of 100.

And now presenting the triumphant return of…

Vice’s Awards:

Well that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our review of WWE Wrestlemania XXVII, and to those of you reading this on the Rajah main page for the first time, we hope we didn’t offend your sensibilities with our uncouth manner so bad you set you computer on fire and punched the first guy you found named Rajah in the face. Next week we’re very excited to finally be reviewing the Cewsh Reviews/I Have An Opinion Crossover Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card 2: Electric Boogaloo with all of the match chosen by our dear readers. Its gonna be nuts. So until then, and as always, remember to keep right on reading, and be good to one another.