TNA Victory Road 2011

Total Nonstop Asshattery Proudly Presents…

 
TNA Victory Road 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most credible news source in the entire world, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, but you know, I think you may just already know what it is. See, tonight we’re reviewing TNA Victory Road 2011. Quite aside from the fact that we always review TNA shows (well, usually, and often without just posting pictures of facepalms), this is a landmark show in Cewsh Review history as in one day it became the single most requested show for us to review in the near 3 years we’ve been in the business of giving you the business. We were quite taken aback….until we went and saw for ourselves why it is that that would be. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves boys and girls. We have the follow up to the most surprisingly great match of the year thus far (Brother Devon vs. Bully Ray) from last month, an Ultimate X match to prove that that division actually still exists, and a match for the number one contendership between two people that Cewsh has such conflicting opinions on that the friction may cause combustion of some sort. So kick back, relax, and dig in kids. I have a feeling we’re in for a bumpy ride.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Let me say this right now. No matter what is going on with the product in front of the camera, no matter how discouraged the wrestlers get with management and management gets with the wrestlers, and no matter how nonsensical and silly the storylines seem, TNA’s production team never ceases in busting their asses to give us some really extraordinary hype videos. This one, detailing how Sting left because nobody listened to his warnings about Hogan, did some soul searching and returned better than ever, is the most compelling thing I’ve ever seen Sting in. So if it selling me completely on a guy I have been “meh: towards for the past 5 years then believe me, they are doing something right.


Segment 2 – No Disqualification – Bully (Bully? Bully!) Ray vs. Tommy Dream(ing Of A Company Where Someone Will Push Me)er.

Cewsh: The backstory for this match is pretty simple, almost blessedly so. Ever since the breakup of their team Bully Ray and Brother Devon have been at war with one another, culminating in the incredible emotional surprise match of the year from Against All Odds where Ray ultimately handcuffed Devon to the ropes and made him watch as Ray demolished his sons in the most brutal way possible while screaming at Devon that it was all his fault. Tears were shed, chills were had. It was great. So fast forward to this month and Devon is looking after his boys in the hospital and a mutual friend of theirs (Tommy Dreamer) has entered the picture, demanding to know what the fuck Ray’s problem is. Bully Ray, not being the heartfelt talk sort of dude, attacked him and that led here, to a No Disqualification match of Ray’s design.

Now the match was…not what I expected. After the raw emotion and brutality of last month, things I was not expecting can be expanded to include Bully Ray 69ing with a blow up doll, Tommy Dreamer hitting Bully Ray with a giant stuffed Minion (from Despicable Me, out of DVD now and highly recommend) and, well, comedy.

DANGEROUUUUUUUUUUUUS!

It bothered me at first, but I got used to it as the match went on since Tommy’s issue with Ray isn’t really all THAT serious anyway and they needed to get the fans into this to start the show. So they have their fun brawl with serious moments for awhile, and it looks like Bully has things firmly in hand until Devon’s battered kids show up on the ramp and distract Ray. He pauses for a second to long and turns around into a Brother Devon and Tommy Dreamer 3D through a table and that’s all she wrote for Ray. At this point the match ends and I can say it was a solid opener that wasn’t anything special or anything bad. Just solid.

But let the record show that as understanding as I was about Dreamer not being out for blood, I am totally befuddled by Devon, who WATCHED HIS KIDS BEATEN HALF TO DEATH BY THE MAN HE CONSIDERED HIS BROTHER being totally satisfied with one move and costing Ray a wrestling match in the first chance he gets to get his hands on him afterwards. Following the 3D he dances around, poses, and then goes home. Now ask yourself, with TNA being the shoot company with the focus on realism.

Would that be enough for you if they were your kids?

69 out of 100.

Vice: This match was surprisingly all kinds of entertaining. There was a good mix of comedy and serious action. Probably should have been slightly more serious due to the drama that’s been going on in the previous weeks, but really, who cares thaaat much?

It featured a blowup doll and D-von getting a bit of revenge.

I don’t feel as if I need to say anything more than that.

But I’m going to.

Wogglety booglely baggaboo, woggadee bogdada.

Tommy Dreamer Over Bully Ray Following The 3D.

Segment 3 – Hello Laaaaaaaadies.

Cewsh: Velvet Sky, Angelina Love and Winter are backstage with Christy Hemme, and yet again Velvet and Winter are arguing over who gets to be Angelina’s BFF. Nothing is resolved, though Angelina blames Velvet for the trouble and storms off in a huff trailing Winter while Velvel looks incredulously on.

Now with that said, shall we see what Velvet Sky looks like in high definition?

Yes. Yes, That’ll Do.

A step back for our feminist leanings? OR a step for ward for our awesomeness leanings? I’ll leave that question to philosophers.

Segment 4 – TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – Seasons of Love (Winter and Angelina Love) ©. vs. The Wild Itas (Sarita and Rosita).

Cewsh: The backstory here is that Velvel and Angelina have been besties ever since the beginning days of the Knockouts division, and despite some speed bumps, have remained so throughout the years. Yet recently Winter has been stalking Angelina claiming to be her biggest fan, and little by little Winter has been subtly manipulating Angelina into liking her more than Velvet, something Velvet sees right through but can’t convince Angelina of. Meanwhile Sarita has basically been terrorizing Velvet, picking her apart due to her comparative lack of wrestling skills and has now brought in her sister Rosita to finally wrest the tag titles away from the Beautiful People (including Winter I guess).

Vice: This match was just clunky, and it’s a shame. Sarita is a fantastic wrestler, Winter looked great out there, Angelina has proven herself capable numerous times despite not being consistently good, and Rosita is.. who?

But still, with numerous potentially good/great talent in this match, why was it so bad? Booking? Miscommunication? Wrong story? I don’t know, but nothing fit very well. I wasn’t expecting some great match in the 5 minutes they got, but I’m just saying that there was potential for it to be a lot better. The finish was kind of dumb as well. I really do dislike it when someone is rolled up for like 20 seconds and still gets pinned in the end. Especially when the person is a half foot from the ropes. Maybe it was just bad positioning, but Winter came off looking like a complete buffoon for not slightly bending her arm to reach the ropes. I wouldn’t mind something like that happening to a rookie to build a story, but she’s supposed to be a bit of a veteran. Stupid stupid.

I’d like to say I’m curious where the Angelina/Winter/Velvet stuff is going after this, but I don’t give a fuck. I really don’t.

If TNA wants to make a lot of money, they should release a replica of the dart board they use to make booking decisions. Can you imagine the drinking game fun college kids could have with that? Shit, even senior citizens would want to get in on the zaniness. Young kids would want to get into the action. It’d create a whole new generation of alcoholism that would bring this country out the depression that it’s in. Ironically by causing country-wide depression.

Cewsh: Patent pending.

Vice is dead on though. The fact is that this match just didn’t exactly work. Nobody really seemed to mesh with one another, everything looked sloppy for the most part (except for Winter who I must say was a notable exception in her work here) and Rosita especially looked inexperienced and out of position throughout the match and especially at the finish which shouldn’t have been confusing but was made to be because of how they mucked it up.

These women are all talented in their various ways, but tonight just really wasn’t their night.

60 out of 100.

The Wild Itas Over Seasons of Love Following Shenanigans.

Segment 5 – Jeff Jarrett. Poor Husband. Best Dad Ever.

Cewsh: We switch to the video feed of Karen Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett on their honeymoon, and it isn’t exactly blissful. For one thing, Jeff has taken them to an amusement park, and for another thing he is ignoring Karen entirely to buy the kids pizza and ride roller coasters. This makes Karen understandably unhappy (her kids, apparently, do not warrant pizza) and she continually demands to go back to the hotel while Jeff pretends she isn’t talking. For like 5 minutes.

“Yes, It Really Is This Big. Thank You For Noticing.”

Okay, there are a few different ways that you could choose to look at these angles with Karen and Jeff Jarrett on their honeymoon. You could take the reasonable point of view that they are intended to remind us what a dick Jeff Jarrett is and make us want Kurt Angle to crusherize him. That would be a fine and respectable opinion. Or you could take the view that, say, they are an enormous fucking waste of time that accomplishes nothing and makes this storyline even more awkward than it already was, prolonging it past the point where even the people involved could possibly give the ghost of a rat dick.

In fact yeah, let’s go with that one.

Segment 6 – First Blood Match – (Hotstuff) Hernandez vs. Matt (No Messages From WWE Yet? Sigh.) Morgan.

Cewsh: So Hernandez is back in TNA now after about a year hiatus…and is exactly where he left off. See, a year or so ago, Matt Morgan had turned on Hernandez at Against All Odds, leading to a series of increasingly dreary matches between the two, following which Hernandez fucked off to Mexico where he was received with indifference. Now he’s back and is a heel who wants us to know that white people are the new minority and that they are all inferior to him. He’s also sort of joined Immortal but kind of not? It isn’t really clear. What IS clear is that Matt Morgan wants to kick him in the face after a series of taunts and shenanigans from Hernie since his return. So here we be.

I Miss This Hernandez.

This match is pretty much like every other match these guys have had together. There’s lots of punching, its very slow paced and it dissolves from your mind the second its over like a Skittle in a can of Pepsi. The ending, though, is an altogether different story, as, well, ah fuck, Vice you explain it. I’m still trying to figure it out.

70 out of 100.

Vice: What a hoot this match was, especially the finish. And by hoot, I mean shitfest. This match was dull and boring, and pretty much everything about it was wrong. So wrong that I don’t even know what to say about the actual action that happened. It actually wasn’t that bad. The finish came when Morgan splattered Hernandez with a chain, and they got a close-up of ol’ Hernandez pulling a blade out of his attire and scraping across his forehead to create a bloody wound.

Wait a minute, why would someone do this!? First blood loses, Hernandez, not wins! Why would you cut yourself open in a match like this! You masochistic lunatic! Why!?

Thankfully there was a very good Samaritan in the Impact Zone, one of the only to ever be there, and he shouted the rules out to Hernandez, notifying him of the situation he had just gotten into. Fortunately Hernandez had some fake blood on him, which he clearly used to accentuate the wounds he would normally give himself for more attention, being the emo fuck that he is. He squirted that fake blood all over Morgan, to which caught the eye of the referee, leading Hernandez to win the match. PHEW. Next time use your brain more wisely, Hernie! You almost lost!

Raise Your Hand If This Is Confusing To You Too.

On one hand it’s actually fairly brilliant to use fake blood, but at the same time it’s just massively underwhelming and not something people want to see when they spend money to watch a show like this. Impact, sure, PPV, no.


Hernandez Over Matt Morgan Following A Fake Blood Spurt.

Segment 7 – Oh For Fuck’s Sake. Who Let Generation Me And Kazarian Into The Promo Room?

Cewsh: We’re backstage with Christy Hemme and Generation Me and Jeremy starts to say something, only to get steamrolled by his brother who announces that they have decided together (they hadn’t) that Max is winning the title because its his birthday. Jeremy seems not exactly thrilled by this but sighs and agrees to go along with it anyway.

Meanwhile, Kazarian is backstage also does some talking. At least I think he does. He moves his lips in talking related ways and my brain just skips right over it to save itself from harm.

Good ol’ brain.

Segment 8 – TNA X Division Championship – Ultimate X Match – Kazarian © vs. Robbie E vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Max Buck.

Vice: This really should have been better than it was. You’ve got two ridiculous high flyers in Generation Me, Ultimate X veteran Kazarian, and.. Robbie E, to balance things out. I like everyone in this match, but it just didn’t click like it should have. It had some cool spots and moments, but nothing that absolutely screamed “HOLY SHIT”. Not that I require people risking death to make me entertained, but one of the problems with the Ultimate X gimmick is that unless they do something absolutely nuts, there’s been so many over the years that we’ve seen it all. Numerous times. It’s becoming dangerously close to The Simpsons– something you always look at with a smile and anticipate, but has been very lackluster and disappointing for longer than it was actually something great. I think these guys need to sit down and really brainstorm about what innovative things they can do in the future. Once they reach x amount (lol), they should work towards building up an Ultimate X match. But as it stands, TNA bookers hit “Ultimate X!!!!!” on the gimmick match dart board, and the wrestlers don’t have anything neat to do. It’s a shame, really, as the matches used to be ridiculously fun at a near guaranteed level.

It wasn’t really bad though. Just wasn’t anything we haven’t seen before. I’d like to say that Kazarian’s win with him walking across the tight ropes while hanging onto the X platform was a great way to end the match, but I really do think they’ve done that before. Maybe not for the win, but at least an attempt. Who knows.

Though In Fairness, This Really Was A Cool Moment.

Another thing I’d like to bitch about his the one night booking of Generation Me, because I really dislike the nonsense that it was. Max said it was all about him, and Jeremy said alright. So for 90% of the match they are working together to help get Max the win until HOLY MOTHER TERESA ANAL SEXING A TRANSYLVANIA PANHANDLER WITH A 19 INCH EDVARD MUNCH’S “THE SCREAM” STRAP-ON Jeremy decided he’d like to go for the belt. I didn’t see that coming! Did you?!

Scoff.

Cewsh: I remember the first time I saw an Ultimate X match. It was several years ago (I’m old) and Vice and I were checking out wrestling clips on the internet after videos of guys like AJ Styles and Amazing Red introduced us to life outside of WWE (me more than him, frankly). We stumbled across one of the early Ultimate X matches, and I remember watching in disbelief that this was even POSSIBLE. After all, WWE just used ladders, and these guys were doing these crazy flips while hanging from cable just as high up as Jeff Hardy jumped from. Looking back those matches were messy, spotty, and were wrestled by people who had no idea what they were doing in the ring in between preplanned spots. They don’t hold up.

But what does hold up is that sense of seeing something new and innovative, and as Vice said, this match just doesn’t have that feeling anymore. They’ve milked this poor cow dry and its time to move onto another one. There’s nothing left here to do, and no performers left on the roster who really belong in this kind of match anymore.

It a sad reality, but there it is.

73 out of 100.

Kazarian Over Everyone Else Following The Crab Scuttle.

Segment 9 – Honeymoon 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Cewsh: Meanwhile in the merry funland of Universal Studios theme park, we see more of the fun filled honeymoon of Jeff Jarrett and his lovely bride. This time Jeff runs up and tells Karen that he has exactly what she wants. He clumsily attempts to imply what it is. She wants it to be champagne, it turns out to be pizza, which the clues Jarrett gave didn’t indicate at all. He must be about the worst Pictionary teammate ever.

Poor Karen, she remains unsatisfied. So do I, for that matter.

Segment 10 – And Your Bully Ray Sexual Harassment Award Of The Night Goes To…

Cewsh: Beer Money Incorporated, oddly enough, as they take a break from their busy schedule of getting drunk and organizing stock portfolios to try to talk Christy Hemme into to doing the Beer Money Dance (patent pending) in order to stare at her ass. Considering it’s a greasy creep and an alcoholic doing this, it crosses the line at some point from merely cheeky and fun to “Wow this is really creepy”.

Yep, There’s The Line. Right There.

They cut a promo on Ink Inc. about how those boys don’t understand respect and such and then they shuffle off, leaving Christy Hemme to remember fondly the time she sat on a pie on national television because her butt was hungry.

Segment 11 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Beer Money Inc(ontinent) © vs. Ink Inc (Inque).

Vice: This was a super solid, fundamentally sound match. Unfortunately it wasn’t really anything more than that. I miss the Machine Guns. Get better, Shelley. Though thinking about it, a fun storyline would be Sabin wrestling with a different tag partner (with Shelley’s blessing, of course) and having terrible chemistry with them. It’s not the most fascinating, world-changing idea or anything like that, but it’d at least keep Sabin on TV and doing something.

Cewsh: There was nothing wrong with this match. If you were trying to find pictures of things to put next to definitions in the dictionary (because who wouldn’t want that job?) and you came to the word “solid” you would be better served using this match to represent it than near anything else. Neal did his part and is showing that he is growing as a performer in addition to being very good at the role he has found for himself (plucky, firey rookie who gets his ass kicked in the end from inexperience). Obviously Beer Money are Beer Money so there’s no issue there. If only I could put my finger on the reason why this match was kept from being actually really good. Hmm, if I only I had a clue…

“Hey, That’s Not Nice!”

Anyway, after his totally underwhelming performance, Shannon Moore refuses to shake hands with Beer Money like Jesse Neal eagerly does and he begins to berate Jesse for being such a rookie and not understanding how things work. I dearly hope this results in Jesse Neal spearing Shannon Moore into low orbit and not Jesse turning heel, because they having something special brewing down the road in a babyface Jesse Neal and they need to see it out.

71 out of 100.

Beer Money Over Ink Inc. Following The DWI.

Segment 12 – Like A Snake, Baby.

Cewsh: Matt Hardy is…

Cold blooded, check it and see,
He’s got a fever of negative three,
Come on baby, he’s got his name on his pants,
He’s cold blooded, cold blooded.

Cold blooded, every night,
Cold blooded, you’re looking so tight,
Cold blooded, now you’re driving me wild,
Cold blooded, he’s so cold for you, child,
Cold blooded, he’s a little bit high,
Cold blooded, you’re a little bit shy,
Cold blooded, you’re making me sing,
Cold blooded, for your sweet, sweet thing.
“Woooooooo!”

Segment 13 – AJ Styles vs. Matt Hardy.

Cewsh: Have you ever heard the phrase “he could carry a broomstick”? I have always been confused by it. Does it mean that the individual could literally go out to the ring with a broomstick and have a compelling match (after all, in DDT they can do it with no broomstick at all) or does it mean that they could have a match with someone who was simply very inflexible? Or does it mean, most likely, that that person is capable of making a good match happen under extremely arduous circumstances because they are just that good. If we accept that to be the case then I am confident in saying this.

Matt Hardy is a broomstick.

A Really Crazy Broomstick.

AJ Styles, in this match, performs one of the greatest carry jobs that you will ever see in your life. Using his entire repertoire of moves, including some he hasn’t busted out in years, and every scrap of selling he knows in order to make this look like a good competitive match with Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy, for his part, contributes but not falling over too often, and sucking in his gut whenever he remembers to. He does some nice things here and there, and that would make for a watchable match in the hands of a different opponent, but AJ Styles takes those scraps and turns them into something truly interesting and fun all the way through.

And This Is The Thanks He Gets. All The Old Man Handjobs He Can Take.

AJ Styles is beyond mortal men, and for all intents and purposes, he seems to be the only one who cares anymore.

 
82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Fucking hell I love AJ Styles, and boy is this the AJ I’ve been wanting to see for a very long time. This is the AJ that goes NUTS on PPV when TNA needs a miracle to save the show. He was sliding under guard rails, diving off guard rails, pele-ing fuckers left and right and Spiral Tapping his way to a surprisingly damn good match with Matt Hardy. They need to keep this up with him, because this is the AJ that consistently makes TNA worth watching and PPVs worth buying (figuratively, of course).

Matt looked really trim, for Matt Hardy anyway, last month, but now it looks like he’s already starting to puff back up.

No Way. Abs Of Steel.

He did better than I thought he would, but you could tell that AJ was picking up the slack.

AJ is so awesome. He is my hero.

AJ Styles Over Matt Hardy Following The Spiral Tap.

Segment 14 – The Honeymoon. Yes. Again.

Cewsh: Karen Jarrett wants to have sex. Jeff Jarrett wants to talk about how much he misses Kurt Angle.

And Kurt Misses His Axe.

Priorities may be an issue here.

 Segment 15 – Ken Anderson Makes Sex Jokes About Dixie Carter.

Cewsh: This show is making my balls hurt.

Segment 16 – Number One Contendership Match – Ken Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam.

Cewsh: Alright, now we’re onto a good ol’ fashioned singles match for the number one contendership, in a face vs. face match between Rob Van Dam and Ken Anderson. Their place here is well deserved after the trials and tribulations that Jeff Hardy and Immortal have put them through for the past few months. Each man rather unceremoniously had the World title taken from them (Anderson actually lost it, Van Dam was “put out with an injury” by Abyss and forced to vacate) and neither man has gotten the rematch for the title that they fairly deserve, so now they’re lining up to see which one gets to knock the block off of Sting or Hardy, or, frankly, both.

Its worth mentioning also, that the video prior to this match sets all of this conflict, and the personal ego battle between Van Dam and Anderson up beautifully.

Vice: This match is a bit sloppy to start things out, but the intentions were good and it still came off fairly well. Anderson won my heart all over again by handling the crowd with his big mouth. After a leapfrog gone awry and Anderson using his Spiked Hair Thrust to counter RVD’s gravity defying Floating Tea Bag, the crowd was beyond happy telling them they fucked up, to which Anderson replies “..I MEANT TO DO THAT”, putting them in their place. I enjoyed it. In fact, that was probably the highlight of the match.

The rest of it was fairly good, but nothing crazy. Solid solid solid. Unfortunately the end of it is not so good, being a double count-out and all. I can kind of see why they did that, but at the same time it’s just nonsense to keep booking like this. You could potentially get away with this on Impact, but the problem with TNA is that they never really have any resolution to anything. No clean finishes. Always something screwy. No reason to reason to ever get really invested in these matches. It’s actually a giant swerve when there IS a clean finish.

To be fair though, at least the double count-out was set up in a fairly organic way. For the most part.

I do wish more of the crowd was alive for this match. Would have done wonders for it.

Cewsh: Look, these guys tried.

That’s actually one of the major things I’ve been noticing about this show as it has gone on. You can visibly tell the difference between guys who are trying hard and really wanting to make this show a success and the people who are just mehing it up, trying to get through another show. These guys try, but no matter what they do, the Impact Zone isn’t buying it at all. They spend the entire match amusing themselves with dueling “I’m an Asshole” “Rob Van Dam” chants that would ordinarily be good, but don’t sync up with the action in the ring, so they aren’t really even chanting it FOR anybody. Then, when the double count out draws boos and then a chant demanding a restart, a good percentage of the chant vehemently yells “NO!” to the fans requesting it.

Tough crowd.

But the main problem here wasn’t really even wish the match, because it was fine. If the main event went well then there’d be no real issues here. But as we will see, this needed to be so much more to send the fans home happy with what was to come. And, well, it wasn’t.

73 out of 100.

No Contest Over No Contest Following Contest No.
Segment 17 – Jeff Hardy Cuts A Promo.

Cewsh: He is completely sober here. BUT WAIT…

Segment – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting(s To Have This On Your Resume) © vs. Jeff (Foreboding) Hardy.

Cewsh: Okay, the rest of this show was really just sprigs of parsley on a plate. This is the entrée you boys and girls have been waiting for, so I wont keep you from it any longer. For the sake of covering this match fully, I will break it into 4 parts. The backstory, what I saw, what we know about what really happened, and my thoughts. Sound good? Alright, let’s do this. First the backstory.

Part 1: The Backstory.

Now obviously Jeff Hardy has made himself into the Crown Jewel of Immortal recently, and has ruffled a few feathers ever since but this story actually dates back much further than that. The story goes back to the beginning of Sting and Hulk Hogan in WCW. Hogan had always fucked everything up and Sting had always fought him, and that caused Sting to be paramoid when Hogan came to TNA. That paranoia resulted in Sting seeing Immortal coming a mile away but being unable to convince everyone except for D’Angelo Dinero (who went insane) and Kevin Nash (who went to WWE). So he left, only to come back in Immortal’s darkest hour and vanquish Jeff Hardy as a surprise opponent for the title chosen by “The Network”.

Now Sting is the champion and Jeff is coming for him. Theoretically.

Part 2: What I Saw.

Alright then. An awesome video package leads us in and then Jeff Hardy’s awesome music hits. This is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome. His music plays for a good 40 seconds before Hardy comes stumbling out of the entrance, singing along to his own music and haphazardly doing spurts of his little dance like he’s not sure whether he’s supposed to or not. Then he wanders down to the ring, and trips getting into it with a big dopey grin on his face, that just looks strange with his wacky clown paint.

I Wasn’t Kidding.

At this point Jeff seems strange, but not super visibly impaired. I mean, you’d see worse walking by a college in the middle of the day.

They get into the ring and JB does the ring introductions. Of course Sting is in the ring, but Jeff is outside it, seemingly being talked out by half the roster, from camera guys to agents to referees. As Jeff enters the ring, referee Brian Hebner gets a close up and genuinely looks anxious, like something is seriously wrong and he doesn’t know what to do. Still, Borash and Sting do their bit while Hardy makes faces in the corner until suddenly Eric Bischoff comes out and announces that there is a change of plans.

Notice The Sign Over His Shoulder.

He announces that this is going to be a No DQ match now to allow revenge for what happened on Impact. Bisch also, while doing this, visibly tells Sting something he doesn’t want the camera to see him say. Throughout this Jeff makes no reaction whatsoever, including when Sting lays out Bischoff who falls right onto Hardy who expresses mild surprise at this, like you might if you found a gummy bear stuck to your shoe, say, or maybe a whole bunch of drugs conveniently in your locker backstage right before your main event match.

The bell rings, and Jeff decides to spend 5 minutes trying to figure out where to throw his shirt. Sting chases him into the corner and tries to engage Jeff but Jeff just kind of stands there and when Sting moves, he goes back to trying to decide where the shirt should go. He finally throws it (it travels 9 and 2/3rds inches) and the camera cuts to Sting in time for him to audibly and visibly say “FUCK!” Sting them grabs Jeff, seems to try to do something with him, and then suddenly cycles behind him, hits the Scorpion Death Drop, and covers Jeff for the three count as Jeff blatantly attempts to kick out very much for real, even getting his shoulder up. Jeff then gapes in astonishment at Sting as Sting gives him a stern look, and celebrates with the title.

He Seems Happy.

The announcers try to make it seem like nothing out of the ordinary happened (it IS TNA after all) and then Jeff throws a temper tantrum, kicking the ropes and punching the turnbuckles, and acting like an 8 year old girl who has once again found her Christmas tree innocent of a pony.

The fans begin to chant bullshit as Sting walks back up the rant, including one especially vocal fan in the front row as Sting passes. Sting looks at the guy, looks back at Jeff and loudly says into the camera “I agree.”

Then Taz and Tenay have to spend 10 minutes watching and discussing a highlight video of the show. Which is arguably a jailable offense for whomever inflicted it on them.

Part 3: What Apparently Happened.

Well that’s the rub, isn’t it? What really did happen?

I’ve been compiling information from various sources all day, and while some details are hazy and other speculation, the general story that people have formed goes like this. At some point Jeff Hardy showed up late to the Impact Zone. According to eyewitness reports (of questionable veracity but this IS TNA, not WWE, and they don’t have as stringent privacy rules) Jeff was visibly fucked up and management was freaking out about it. Jeff was said to have appeared totally out of it (which obviously jives with what we saw in the ring) but went out anyway. When Bischoff came out, he allegedly said to Sting “Hit him with the bat and go home.” Despite this Sting TRIED to get something out of him, but judged Jeff too far gone to even be left alone long enough for Sting to find the bat, so he gave him the Drop, dead weight pinned him and left in disgust.

Hey Ref, His Shoulder Is Up! Jeff Was Robbed!

After the show it was announced that Jeff Hardy would not be coming to the Impact tapings, and Hulk Hogan tweeted that “some serious decisions need to be made”. So make of all of this what you will.

I hate to base so much of that on rumor and heresay but, well, that’s what there is at this point.

Part 4: Thoughts.

Hmm. What were my thoughts about all of this? I don’t know, maybe something along the lines of HOLY FUCKING WHAT THE FUCKSHIT JEFF WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE SHIT NO WHYWHATWHYWHATWHOWHEREFUCK YOU CAN’T DO THIS YOU WERE DOING SO WELL WELL NOT REALLY WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT BUT THE WHOLE FUCKING COMPANY IS BUILT AROUND YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO PUT EVERYONE OUT OF A JOB WHEN THE FANS SUE YOU FUCKING SHITBRICKING FUCLOADED LITTLE TWAT OF A TWEET!

Or something to that effect.

I can honestly say that if this is REAL, and let me reiterate the if on that because the way it was done could easily indicate that this was storyline all the way through, but if this is real then it is totally unheard of as far as I’m aware. To show up to the main event of a PPV sold with your name in absolutely no condition to wrestle at all and to ignore the demands of everyone around you to do so isn’t just fucking stupid, its career suicide (Note: Maybe he can become Suicide).

You know Jeff Hardy used an interesting line in the opening video tonight. “It doesn’t matter because I’m Jeff Fucking Hardy.” Based on tonight, I can’t deny that he certainly seems to feel that way. Now let me make this clear. If Jeff Hardy showed up for this match inebriated, ruined the main event of this show, and just ruined his career in one segment then this will and should go down in history as the single stupidest thing that has ever occurred in the history of professional wrestling (mud wrestling miscarriages included). If, on the other hand, this is a storyline and they’re planning on working it into a feud somehow, then it is a pathetic message to TNA fans that there is absolutely no need to buy their PPVs if they want to see matches or feuds blown off, or even any main event at all. They will have murdered the concept of their own PPVs in a way that is practically unprecedented, and might as well close them up now and try something else.

I’m sure all 3 people who bought this in the first place will be devastated. I’m just glad nobody got hurt.

But what the hell, I’m feeling charitable. Sting was the epitome of class and veteran leadership in this debacle (seriously, he was) and what’s the harm in a little silliness to end the night. You know what? Fuck it.

 
100 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Platinum Seal of Approval.

Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Typo.

1 out of 100.

Vice: Ahahahha this was the greatest thing I have ever seen. This whole Sting nonsense has been a load of bile on my already average dinner that TNA has been serving me lately, and the Jeff Hardy bullshit is just disgraceful. Brilliant at first, but they need to make their damn minds up with what is happening.

I didn’t really have any interest in this match, so Jeff coming out completely intoxicated beyond belief and unable to actually compete was just.. amazing. So bad that it’s good. It’s dreadful for the company, too, and could even become catastrophic. It was a laugh out loud moment when Sting got the win a minute and a half in, after a minute and a quarter spent stalling and messing with the crowd. I do wonder if Sting just said fuck it. And this brings me to something I’d like to mention..

You know why I still have fun with American wrestling despite hating it almost constantly? Because I love it when stuff like this happens. It gets everyone talking. Everyone speculates on whether it was real or a work. People debate about whether TNA did the right thing or should have been more on the ball. What is going to happen to Jeff. What the hell is going on in Sting’s mind. Stuff like that. There really are a bajillion things to talk about, and aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll the crazies come out of the asylum to discuss their conspiracy theories, and it’s so entertaining. As much as people love to say that TNA is like WCW in the Russo days, it’s really not. Not even fucking close. But I almost wish TNA was at those levels. They’re trying to be a decent company– they really are. And at times they show so much hope that it’s just crushing to see them fall back into their bad habits again and again. Sometimes I really do wish they’d stop trying and just become something that is universally mocked and simultaneously adored for the sheer entertainment value of the nonsense.

Charlie Sheen for TNA World Heavyweight Champion.

Book it.


Sting Over Jeff Hardy Following The Scorpion Death Drop.

———————————-

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, thank fuck for AJ Styles.


Vice’s Final Score: 67 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Wow. Just wooooooooooow.

Part of me wants to make excuses for TNA here. Part of me wants to make everything seem alright again and sink back into the hopeful miasma which has held me in its grip since the Joe lost the title to Sting at Bound For Glory 3 years ago. That part of me is growing smaller, and smaller and smaller. Let’s even ignore for a minute the main event atrocity which, if it was real, couldn’t have been planned. The entire rest of the card was just one large and loud statement that the people currently in charge of TNA’s shows do not know what to do with the product they have right now. I hate to be that guy saying it, but its true. They now have no top heel, no compelling storylines, and every storyline that they do have seems almost engineered to NOT draw money.

And then when you do include the main event…what can you even say? This company is fucking amateur hour. I wish it would close down so someone else could start over. I have finally given up.

 Cewsh’s Final Score: 62.37 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you got your money’s worth (unlike anyone who bought this show) and we hope that after reading this you have not given up on wrestling altogether and left televisions and the internet behind forever to go and live in a cave. In case you’re still with us, take heart! Next week we’ll have something not nearly so unpleasant for you as we do our yearly ritual of reviewing a promotion’s biggest match of the year from the past to hype up on the Road to Wrestlemania. This year we will be reviewing none other than the legendary, memorable, and even mythical Wrestlemania 3. How good was Hogan/Andre really? Is Steamboat/Savage overrated? Why are there 800 matches on that card? Tune in to find out and until then, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another.

Now let’s all take a nap with Jeff Hardy.

2 thoughts on “TNA Victory Road 2011

  1. Cewsh says:

    Much thanks, amigo. We did it for da people.

    Like

  2. Ivan says:

    Seriously, you guys are fan-fucking-tastic.

    Like

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