Monthly Archives: March 2011

The Shimmer Volumes 37-40 Wrap Up Spectacular

Hello darlings, we’re home from Shimmer! It was even more fun than last time! Would you like some results, thoughts, and pictures? Of course you would. So without further ado, SHIMMER!

The Suckers Waiting Out In The Cold Before We Even Got There.

SPARKLE (pre-show) Jordan McEntyre  vs.  Knight Wagner.



Cewsh:  These guys kick off every Shimmer day with a comedy match, and they’re always top notch humor.  First it was announced that they were tagging against the Rock N Roll Express, but then, shockingly, Ricky and Robert didn’t show so they faced each other.  Amusing as hell.

Mrs. Cewsh: This match featured a plastic candy cane and Eryn, (who manages both guys as a team,) cheating for both in turn. They kind of made my day. 

Jordan McEntrye over Knight Wagner following a Sunburn Slap. 

SPARKLE (pre-show) Bobby Dempsey On A Pole Match – Green Man vs. Red Man.

Cewsh:  GREEN MAAAAAAAAN.

Green Man over Red Man following retrieval of Bobby Dempsey. 
SPARKLE (pre-show) –  Bonesaw  vs.  Jett Riley. 

Cewsh:  Whooooa, wait a second.  Where did the Bonesaw with no presence who didn’t fit her character go?  This Bonesaw is threatening, crisp, and has this gimmick down pat.  She’s ready for the main roster immediately.   Though i’m not sure sparkly red rhinestones really work for the Female Suplex Machine.

Mrs. Cewsh:  Yeah yeah yeah, Bonesaw, scary, rawr. JETT RILEY IS RAINBOW BRIGHT. 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

I Thought She Was Just A Blur Of Random Colors.

Bonesaw over Jett Riley following a Double Underhook DDT.



SPARKLE (pre-show) – Brittany Force  vs.  Rhia O’Reilly. 

Cewsh:  Here’s the good news.  Brittany Force was a fantastic heel who worked the crowd up, and I can definitely see her getting a spot on the main roster.  Now here’s the bad news, Rhia O’Reilly botched so often and so hard that I think she may have caused Lou Thesz to rise from the grave to take his life again.

 
Mrs.Cewsh: I really don’t think she was bad. There was a problem with the ring ropes, so it’s not fair to judge. It was a pretty average opening match.


Brittany Force over Rhia O’Reilly following Botchamania.

—————————————————— 


Volume 37
MsChif  vs.  Kellie Skater.

Cewsh:  It was fantastic to see Chif back again and the crowd went totally bananas for her.  Other than that it was the usual Skater open challenge.  Skater holds her own and ultimately get murderized.   Skater is a heat goddess, so its all good.

Mrs.Cewsh: How did I not know how beautiful MsChif is? And how fun to watch? She’s amazing.

MsChif over Kellie Skater following the Desecrator.

Mena Libra  vs. Courtney Rush.

Cewsh:  More so than even Bonesaw, Mena Libra improved by leaps and bounds from the last tapings to this one.  What a fantastic big woman heel she is and has the potential to be.  

Love

Courtney Rush is fine enough too, and apparently has a following, but it will help to think of her as a new and improved Neveah.

Mrs. Cewsh: Courtney Rush Sparkled awhile back as PJ Tyler. She’s got a fantastic new look, and has clearly improved. A nice addition, even if the jackass behind me decided she must be a heel because her entrance was too sexy (?!?)

Mena Libra over Courtney Rush following a Samoan Drop.
LuFisto  vs.  Tomoka Nakagawa. 

Cewsh:  Lufi may well have gotten a bigger pop than MsChif, and as well she might after almost dying and coming back in incredible shape.  This was a damn solid match, and Lufi’s new finisher (which is Mike Knox’s old finisher or Alex Shelley’s Shellshock for reference) is sick looking.

Mrs. Cewsh: Pegaboo fell out of the ring during the match, so Nakagawa chucked her at Lufi when they took it to the outside. After the match, Lufi gave Pegaboo CPR, which was amazing. Everyone involved is amazing.

“I Can’t Find A Pulse!”

LuFisto over Tomoka Nakagawa following the Mangalizer.


 

Regeneration X (Allison Danger and Leva Bates)  vs.  Jamilia Craft and Mia Yim.

Cewsh:  RX came out in Dr. Who outfits and were beyond adorable.  Mia Yim came out in, basically, nothing, and Jamilia Craft came out in tassels.  The wrestling was good, but the chemistry between the teams was a little spotty as they’re both new teams.

Mrs.Cewsh: Mia and Jamilia are kind of a weird team, but they did a nice job. I’m used to Mia being a heel, so when she came out it was a little weird. RX are the cutest things ever. I’m not really a Dr. Who fan, but they were dressed up as the 10th and 11th Doctors and they had the Sonic Screwdrivers. I can tell the eventual 8x10s will be big sellers.

Wrestling In Period Appropriate Men’s Clothing Seems Difficult.

Regeneration X over Jamilia Craft and Mia Yim following the Lovelace Choker.

Christina Von Eerie  vs.  Sara Del Rey. 

Cewsh:  Von Eerie is officially my favorite Shimmer wrestler.  

Entirely Because Of Her…Ah…Skills.  Obviously.

Here she takes a vicious beating from Del Rey which is fucking rad and sells it like death (Rey) before ducking a huge kick and jumping into the ring before the countout.  Great match and got Eerie over like crazy.  They brawled afterward to set up the next match and the crowd was way into it.

Shimmer Has 800,000 Referees, And That’s Not Enough To Stop One Sara Del Rey.

Mrs. Cewsh: Shimmer’s trying something new here, where they filmed basically their first vignette. Earlier in the show, Von Eerie cut a promo in the back, but Del Rey interrupted. Instead of the usual “I don’t like you.” “I don’t like you!” interruption, Del Rey proceeded to beat the ever loving fuckshit out of Von Eerie while all the heels in the locker room looked on and kept right on eating their pretzels.

Christina Von Eerie over Sara Del Rey following a Count Out.

Cheerleader Melissa  vs.  Athena.

Cewsh:  This was the first match of Melissa having to work her way back up to title contendership and they couldn’t have picked a better opponent.  This match made Athena look like a main event star and made it clear that she’s ready for a big time push.

Mrs.Cewsh: Poor Athena didn’t have a very productive weekend, going 0-3, but her matches made her look like a million bucks. 

Cheerleader Melissa over Athena following the Kudo Driver.

 

 The Knight Dynasty (Brittani Knight and Sweet Saraya) w/ Rebecca Knox  vs.  Pretty Bitchin’ (Nikki Roxx and Ariel).

Cewsh:  Let me make 3 things clear.

1.  Rebecca Knox, as I speculated with the wayback machine, is probably the most drop dead gorgeous woman I have ever been in the same building as (sorry Mrs. Cewsh).
2.  The Knight Dynasty have so much heat it is in danger of becoming nuclear.
3.  See 1 and 2 again, because YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW.

KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX

The ending made it seem like there may wind up being some issues between Nikki and Ariel, but it wasn’t really pursued after that, so it may just be an isolated deal.

Mrs. Cewsh: This end needs some clarification. Rebecca Knox is now a fantastic heel manager with the Knight Dynasty. During the match, she tossed Britani a pair of brass knucks. Ariel caught her with them, took them away, and yes, in a VERY unface like move, hit Britani with them. Ref of course only saw Ariel hit her, so Pretty Bitchin’ were DQd.


The Knights are the greatest thing in history and you need them in your life. Just don’t anger Saraya. She will punch you through your head.

The Knight Dynasty over Pretty Bitchin’ following a Disqualification (Ariel used Brass Knuckles).

Serena Deeb  vs.  Daizee Haze.

Cewsh:  Deeb is crazy over.  Haze has crazy heat.  This was good.

Serena Deeb over Daizee Haze following a Spear.

Ayako Hamada  vs.  Jessie McKay. 

Cewsh:  This was very much a “two friends having a friendly competition” sort of match, with Hamada underestimating Jessie and becoming more and more impressed with her before finally putting her away.  Then there were hugs.

And Hand Holding.  Then They Played Mystery Date.

Ayako Hamada over Jessie McKay following the AP Cross.

Shimmer Tag Team Championships – The Canadian Ninjas (Portia Perez and Nicole Matthews) (c)  vs.  3S (Hiroyo Matsumoto and Misaki Ohata).


Cewsh:  HOLY SHIT TITLE CHANGE.

Ohata and Matsumoto so so batshit over its ridiculous, and the genuine shock when they won the title, followed by the standing ovation was really, really cool.

Mrs.Cewsh: I’ve never seen a title change before! It was really exciting, and nice to see someone finally take out the Ninjas. If anything, losing only made them more over. Where’s your titles? *clap clap clapclapclap*

3S over The Canadian Ninjas following a Roll-Up Pin for the Shimmer Tag Team Championships.

Shimmer Championship – Madison Eagles (c)  vs.  Mercedes Martinez.


Cewsh:  I went into this being thoroughly bored by the idea.  I came out of it with the realization that Madison Eagles is incapable of having bad matches, or even just not great matches.

Also Madison got thrown, basically into our seats by Mercedes.  Which was awesome.

Mrs. Cewsh: I was kind of hard on Mercedes last tapings, saying she kind of phoned it in. Uh, that was not the case this time. She looked great and the match was hot with a lot of crowd involvement. Madison’s nose got busted from a punch to the face. 

Madison Eagles over Mercedes Martinez following the Hellbound to retain the Shimmer Championship.
Show thoughts:



Cewsh:  Great first show to kick things off.  The top babyface acts in this company are over to the point of infallibility at this point, and Eagles/Melissa has people salivating all over themselves.

Mrs.Cewsh: THE KNIGHT DYNASTY!!!!!!!!!!

—————————————–
Volume 38
Daizee Haze  vs.  Courtney Rush.

Cewsh:  Courtney really did look good here (wrestling wise).  But Daizee steals every show with her heelish antics.

Daizee Haze over Courtney Rush following a Tiger Suplex.

Tomoka Nakagawa  vs.  Jessica James. 

Cewsh:  Wait, did I say that Daizee stole every show with her heel antics?  Yeah, so does Nakagawa.  If only they formed some sort of team…

Mrs. Cewsh: After the match, Daizee came out and announced that she would be reforming her team with Nakagawa. Which is sweet.

Tomoka Nakagawa over Jessica James following a Fisherman Suplex.

Pretty Bitchin’  vs.  Regeneration X. 

Cewsh:  Man, what a shocker this was.  I expected Regeneration X to basically steamroll the entire tag division when they formed, but things are looking pretty hit or miss for them so far. 

Mrs. Cewsh: This wasn’t the best match of the weekend. The end was messed up and no one really seemed to click. RX looked cute, coming out in V for Vendetta masks and being announced as “From Paris, Via the Tardis.”

Justice Is Served.

Pretty Bitchin’ over Regeneration X following a Roll-Up Pin.

Sara Del Rey  vs.  Christina Von Eerie.

Cewsh:  Now while this was a good match, and featured my favorite Shimmer lady (WOO VON EERIE) i’m not sure it lived up to the white hot confrontation they had on the show before.

Sara Del Rey over Christina Von Eerie following the Royal Butterfly.

Cheerleader Melissa  vs.  Melanie Cruise.

Cewsh:  The Melissa Makes Midcarders Look Like Stars Tour 2011 continues.

Mrs. Cewsh: Some people thought this match was too slow and plodding, but I thought it was a pretty good battle of the colossuses. Melissa knocked out one of Melanie’s teeth. 

Cheerleader Melissa over Melanie Cruise following the Air Raid Crash.

Serena Deeb and Jessie McKay  vs.  The Canadian Ninjas.

Cewsh:  This was a natural extension of Jessie and Serena’s feuds with the respective Ninjas.  Unfortunately Serena took about 8 years cutting the promo to set it up, so the crowd wasn’t as into it as they might have been.  Still though, not bad.

*insert classy journalism*

Mrs. Cewsh: It was a long promo, and it wasn’t her best, but it did let Nicole Mathews call Jessie an Australian Bella Twin. 

Serena Deeb and Jessie McKay over The Canadian Ninjas following the Boyfriend Stealer.

Mercedes Martinez  vs.  Rachel Summerlyn.

Cewsh:  Sweet.

Mercedes Martinez over Rachel Summerlyn following the Fisherman Buster.

Shimmer Championship – Madison Eagles (c)  vs.  MsChif.

Cewsh:  Only on this card could this have been a midcard match.  


They had me on the edge of my seat the whole time that MsChif was going to regain her title.

Mrs. Cewsh: I thought this was a strong match and the right way to defend a title outside of the main event. Madison promo’d in the back that no one was worthy of a shot, MsChif came to the ring and called her out.

Madison Eagles over MsChif following a Hell Bound to retain the Shimmer Championship.

Shimmer Tag Team Championships – 3S(c)  vs.  The Knight Dynasty.

Cewsh:  What an excellent fucking match.  The crowd was SO into 3S and SO against the Knights, that the building was deafening.

3S over The Knight Dynasty following a Diving Splash to retain the Shimmer Tag Team Championships.

Ayako Hamada  vs.  Ayumi Kurihara.

Cewsh:  Let me make this incredibly clear.  In my opinion, this is the best match contested between women in the past decade in this or any country.  This was the match that the Joshi industry has been trying to build itself up to painfully slowly ever since the bottom fell out of the Joshi industry at the turn of the century.  See, when Joshi, for lack of a better term, died out 10 years ago, all the top stars retired and moved on, and there really weren’t any new stars to make a future hopeful, so it just kind of disappeared.  Then, recently, excitement and interest has stirred in Joshi again, and a whole new generation of Joshi stars have been slowly accumulating the skill and experience to rebuild what had been lost.  Foremost of those is Ayumi Kurihara, daughter of the famous wrestler friendly restaurant owner in Japan, and she is leading a group of women so talented that the old stars like Manami Toyota, Aja Kong, and yes, Ayako Hamada, have come out of retirement to take advantage of the new interest.

So what does all this mean for this match?  Well i’ve been watching all of this for years, and the day I was waiting for was the day one of the new girls would be good enough to try to grab the torch from one of the legends officially, which is the basis for all of the truly great feuds in Joshi history.  And here, Kurihara tried to do just that, and she and Hamada gave us a Bigg Egg Universe style match, like nobody else could.

Oh that is such an undersell.  This match had it all.  Ayumi going for repeated top rope moves to try to put away Hamada (since she hasn’t developed a kill move yet).  Hamada being all fucking business for the first time and just battering the kid, only for Ayumi to show incredible fire and surprise her.  Ayumi kicking out of the AP Cross with all of her strength left, only to get put away with another right after.  It was like they read the script right off of my heartstrings.

Cheer Up, Ayumi.  Tonight Was The Night That Made You.

For fuck’s sake people.  This was magic.

Mrs.Cewsh: Uh, what he said. Only shorter. And less purple prose.

Ayako Hamada over Ayumi Kurihara following the AP Cross.

Show Thoughts:

Mrs.Cewsh: At the end of the tapings, I thought this was the strongest card of the weekend. It didn’t have a lot of undercard to drag, and there’s a vet in pretty much every match. Very strong showing.


Cewsh: What a fucking show.  Whew.
——————————————-

SPARKLE (pre-show) – Carribean Bobby Dempsey Match – Green Man  vs.  Red Man.

Cewsh:  This was roughly the greatest match ever contested.  But don’t take my word for it.  Watch it yourself:

Green Man over Red Man following his touching all four turnbuckles.



 

SPARKLE (pre-show) – Rhia O’Reilly and Jett Riley  vs.  Brittany Force and December.



Cewsh:  Hey, remember what I said about O’Reilly and Force?  Yeah, that’s all still true.  Add to that that Jett Riley is adorable and spunky and has tons of potential and that December is perfectly fine but not inspiring me to write sonnets about her skills.

Rhia O’Reilly and Jett Riley over Brittany Force and December following a Crossbody Splash.

———————————————

Volume 39
Kellie Skater  vs.  Courtney Rush.

Mrs.Cewsh: Good to see Kellie finally get a win. The match won’t set the world on fire, but it was solid.

Kellie Skater over Courtney Rush following a Running Flip Neckbreaker.

LuFisto  vs.  Sassy Stephie w/Mademoiselle Rachelle.

Mrs. Cewsh:  Oh wow, we haven’t seen Mademoiselle Rachelle in like 11 volumes. 

Stephie looked great with new gear and Lufi dressed as Snow White. She locked in a sleeper and sang Stephie a lullaby.

Cewsh:  I’ve never thought much of Sassy Stephie before, even though Mrs. Cewsh sang her praises, but she was really a great midcard heel here, making Lufi look fantastic.

LuFisto over Sassy Stephie (with Mademoiselle Rachelle) following the Mangalizer.

Rachel Summerlyn  vs.  Mena Libra. 

Cewsh:  I have to wonder what the next step is for Rachel.  They clearly see her as above the rest of the midcarders, but the main event could not possibly be more crowded.  I think she’ll need to find another story before she can really breakthrough the crowd, and while it may sound crazy, I think that maybe a heel turn on Jessica and a run as the biggest heel on the roster could be her ticket to the promised land.
 

Rachel Summerlyn over Mena Libra following a Texas Cloverleaf.

Shimmer Tag Team Championships –  3S(c)  vs.  Pretty Bitchin’

Cewsh: When Volume 37 began, fans were fond of 3S and were in their corner.  By this point in Volume 39, the fans are RABID for 3S, to the point where they’re almost regarding the other face team of Nikki and Ariel as the heels here.  

These Are The Streamers That Spilled Out From Under The Ring Because Underneath Was Fucking FULL OF FUCKING STREAMERS.

Nikki steps up here as the ring general of the match, but the one who surprised me the most here was Ariel, as she showed an aggression and babyface fire that i’ve never seen from here before, and used her size like a goddamn battering ram.    She gelled fantastically with Matsumoto, and I would love to see more interaction between the two in the future.

Poor Ariel Never Gets Any Love.

3S over Pretty Bitchin’ following a Backdrop Driver to retain the Shimmer Tag Team Championships.

Mercedes Martinez  vs.  Britani Knight.

Cewsh:  Britani Knight will be working for a major American company inside the year.  She’s drop dead gorgeous, a born heel, can wrestle for days, and she’s only fucking 18.  

Enjoy Her While We Have Her.

She gives Mercedes all she can handle here and it may be the surprise match of the whole weekend.  Great, great stuff.

Especially when Brittani takes the nastiest Fisherman Buster i’ve ever seen.


Mrs.Cewsh: Oh Mercedes. I like you so much after this weekend. Someone in my section yelled, “Don’t kill her! Don’t hurt her too bad!” and Mercedes turned around, flashed that amazing smile, and goes, “Aw, just a little?” Between that and K-Nox climbing up on the guardrail, and eventually a fan’s lap, to try to hide from Saraya, it was just fun.

Mercedes Martinez over Britani Knight following the Fisherman Buster.

Daizee Haze and Tomoka Nakagawa  vs.  Mia Yim and Jamilia Craft.

Cewsh:  Haze and Nakagawa are such a strange pairing, but they have off the charts chemistry as partners, and together they’re such bratty heels that its a ton of fun to watch them.  On the other hand Jamilia Craft has potential, but is just bland of bathwater at this point I think, and Mia Yim has dedicated herself to becoming the half naked Low Ki.  I’m not sure how that makes me feel, but I find it hard to mind.

Daizee Haze and Tomoka Nakagawa over Mia Yim and Jamilia Craft following a Fisherman Suplex.
Jessica James  vs.  Athena.

Mrs.Cewsh: I don’t know if I’m a Jessica James fan, but this match may have made me a believer. She and Athena have wrestled a million times in Texas and this was so crisp and high energy. Very surprising. 

Cewsh:  They just have so much goddamned chemistry together.  As far as I know, this is the best match either woman has had anywhere.

Also, This Shit Was Nasty.

Jessica James defeated Athena with a Big Boot.

MsChif  vs.  Sweet Saraya.

Mrs.Cewsh: I want to hide just thinking about Saraya. She is the scariest, best heel ever. Seeing a great face like MsChif take her out was so gratifying. 


Starting out, Chif did her scream but it didn’t phase Saraya. She then hauled Knox into the ring by her hair and made her scream at Chif. She’s got some pipes, but she stalled out with a squeak when Chif wasn’t impressed. 

MsChif over Saraya Knight following the Desecrator.

Serena Deeb  vs.  Portia Perez.

Cewsh:  This was a grudge match, and they made that abundantly clear by tearing into each other.  Portia isn’t the mat wrestler sort so this seems to suit her just fine, antagonizing Serena and brawling, until finally Portia grabs a cookie sheet and nails Serena with it as she goes for the spear.  Portia gets DQed and then refs come to help Serena to the back.

Its worth mentioning that by this point there were a few hecklers in the crowd just plain audibly shitting on everything.  They hated the cookie sheet spot, they criticized how the refs failed to support Serena’s head in a medically appropriate way, and some guy 11 beers into his afternoon just started standing up and giving a Jim Duggan “Hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”.  I don’t know if that stuff is going to come through on the DVD, but these guys were dickheads, and were talked to at intermission.

Mrs.Cewsh: Wrestling fans, the cookie sheet was fine. So were the refs helping Serena out. Bite me.

Serena Deeb over Portia Perez following a Disqualification (Portia Used A Cookie Sheet).

Two Out of Three Falls Match – Nicole Matthews  vs.  Jessie McKay.

  

Cewsh:  Now THIS match shut those hecklers right the fuck up.

Jessie McKay is officially indispensable.  Nobody on the entire roster wakes up a tired or restless crowd like she can.  And this match was fantastic and really cemented the rise of both of these women to serious status.

Mrs.Cewsh: Great, great, GREAT match. I really enjoyed it. They got a good amount of time, it was well paced, and everyone looked great. It also redeemed Nicole, who took a lot of the Ninja’s losses this weekend. She’s going to get a main event push. 

Nicole Matthews over Jessie McKay two falls to one with a Roll-Up Pin and the Cross Rhodes.

Cheerleader Melissa and Ayako Hamada  vs.  Madison Eagles and Sara Del Rey.




Mrs.Cewsh: Good match with amazing performers, but I’m not sure if I loved it. It was basically the main event of 36 again, while I would have preferred something a little newer.  


Not That We Don’t Love The Dream Team.



Cewsh:  Yeah, this was a solid main event, don’t get me wrong, but it really can’t hold a candle to the two amazing ones before it.


Cheerleader Melissa and Ayako Hamada over Madison Eagles and Sara Del Rey following a Roll-Up Pin.
Show Thoughts: 

Mrs.Cewsh: I thought this one was a little weak. The 2/3 falls was great, as was a lot of the under/mid card. It had fun moments, but nothing that’ll make it a instant classic like Ayumi/Hamada.


Cewsh:  If you can only buy 3 of these 4 shows, this is the one you should skip.  There’s nothing truly remarkable here to make you sit up and take notice, and the other shows and just so, so much stronger.

———————————————–




Volume 40
Kellie Skater  vs.  Taylor Made.

Mrs.Cewsh: Oh, Taylor Made came back? Shimmer, you really don’t want that bungalow, do you?

Cewsh:  Look, I don’t want to say anything truly mean about anyone, least of all the Shimmer girls but, well, Taylor Made is just awful.  Kellie Skater, on the other hand, is the perfect opening match wrestler.  The crowd loves her and always responds, she puts everyone she wrestles over win or lose, but she doesn’t step on the matches to come.  They stumbled onto a goldmine in her.  Come to think of it, with all the Aussie ladies.

Kellie Skater over Taylor Made following a Running Flip Neckbreaker.

Rachel Summerlyn  vs.  Bonesaw.



Cewsh:  These two are both on the cusp of becoming something very interesting.  In both cases, its just going to take that oooooone extra aspect to their character.

This match was very crisp and quite good for the people in it, especially since a week ago I thought of Bonesaw as being almost Taylor Madelike in worth to the show.  That’ll teach me to judge.

More.

Rachel Summerlyn over Bonesaw following a Texas Cloverleaf.

Mercedes Martinez  vs.  Christina Von Eerie.

Mrs.Cewsh: Poor Christina may not have won, but she certainly made an impression. This storyline is going super well for her as evidenced by the “Please Come Back” chants.

Cewsh:  If she doesn’t come back, I may actually cry.  I don’t choose my favorites lightly, and again here she shows that she can sell like nobody’s business and the crowd is eating it up.

What’s Not To Like?  Especially Joey In Her Vest And Glasses.

Mercedes Martinez over Christina Von Eerie following the Fisherman Buster.

MsChif  vs.  Melanie Cruise.


Mrs.Cewsh: Another good match for Melanie. I like that MsChif is also working her way back up to the main event.

Cewsh:  Shimmer has a main event genuinely flooded with beloved talent and an undercard teeming with potential and waiting for an opportunity to shine.  Whenever they put the two together, good stuff is almost a guarantee.

MsChif over Melanie Cruise following the Desecrator.

Jessie McKay  vs.  Athena.

Cewsh:  Aint nothing wrong here.

Jessie McKay over Athena following the Boyfriend Stealer.


The Knight Dynasty  vs.  Regeneration X.

Mrs.Cewsh: This was more of a brawl than a match, and I know I missed the finish because there was so much going on. 

It was great to see Danger get her hands on Knox; maybe an actual match in her future?

Cewsh:  Oh please, PLEASE, let that come true.

The Knight Dynasty over Regeneration X following an Illegal Pin.
Sara Del Rey  vs.  Jessica James.

Mrs.Cewsh: Poor Jessica didn’t stand a chance. But, like Nevaeh or even Tennile, Sara brought something out of her that I didn’t see before.  

Cewsh:  Her spine?

FUCKING OW!  That’s Just Mean!


Sara Del Rey over Jessica James following the Royal Butterfly.
Four Corner Survival Match – Serena  vs.  Portia Perez  vs.  LuFisto  vs.  Cheerleader Melissa.

Mrs.Cewsh: Portia played an amazing chicken heel, running from Serena all match but eventually getting locked into the ring with her  when Lufi and Melissa brawled to the back. It was good, but the whole show suffered from hecklers and general burnout.

Serena over Everyone Else Following A Spear.


Ayumi Kurihara  vs.  Nicole Matthews.

Cewsh:  This match did happen, I assure you.  I was there.

Honestly there isn’t much else to say about it.  Matthews never seems to have the best matches with the joshi girls, and Kurihara could never possibly have topped what she did the first night.
 

Ayumi Kurihara over Nicole Matthews following an Exploder Suplex.




Shimmer Tag Team Championships – 3S(c)  vs.  Daizee Haze and Tomoka Nakagawa.

Cewsh:  HOLY SHIT NEW CHAMPIONS?!

!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

Mrs.Cewsh: Wow, I did not see that one coming, but I like it. 3S are phenomenal and so beloved but they can’t talk to the fans. Now, Daizee can cut fabulous heel promos and the belts will be defended on ROH i-PPV on Wrestlemania weekend. It’s a really solid choice. The only concern is once again all of our belt holders are heels. 

Cewsh:  This really makes sense too, because it seems clear that Nakagawa is the joshi that has adapted the best to the American style of wrestling, and she and Daizee, as i’ve said, are a dream together.

Add that to the fact that Ohata and Matsumoto are getting big pushes back home in Japan, and this was the smart choice.

Daizee Haze and Tomoka Nakagawa over 3S  with an Enzuigiri/Tiger Suplex combo for the Shimmer Tag Team Championships.
Shimmer Championship – Madison Eagles (c)  vs.  Ayako Hamada.

Mrs.Cewsh: I wish this match had a) 5 more minutes or b) paced the time it had a little better. From the bell, they beat the hell out of each other and it was clear it wasn’t going to be a 60 minute iron woman match, but the end did seem to come a little abruptly.  Still, neither woman has a bad match in her. Good closeout to the weekend, even if it didn’t leave us on the high note of 36. 

Cewsh:  I’m not a big believer in matches needed more time to be better, I think that this match just wasn’t as well paced as the others this weekend, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that Hamada almost seemed distracted, as would be completely understandable with the events back home.  Still, even with that, this was a very good match, and the moment that Madison Eagles kicked out of the AP Cross after a 1 count I thought the whole crowd was going to fucking riot, it was great.

Madison Eagles over Ayako Hamada following the Hell Bound to retain the Shimmer Championship.

Show Thoughts: 
Mrs.Cewsh:  I really need to see this one again on DVD. Going through the results, it all seems great, but it was hot and I was tired and the hecklers were getting to me and it just wasn’t the funnest experience. 
 Cewsh:  Agreed.  Thopugh this show is miles better than the one before it.
——————————————–



Final Thoughts:



Mrs.Cewsh: All in all, I wouldn’t trade the weekend for anything. There was something amazing on every show. I’ll leave you with some fun stories.

Allison Danger bullied me. She looked at me at the merch tables and goes, “You look like a girl who needs a shirt.” I was like, “um oh no, I don’t really have shirt money ma’am…” She goes, “C’mon honey. Last one left. It’s your size and it’ll hug your boobs! Don’t make me take it back home.” She’s a very persuasive saleswoman.

The Proof.

At the afterparty, we decided to leave and I needed to get my coat from our table. Britani Knight had taken it over and was talking to some fans.  I grabbed my coat and Britani saw Cewsh had a poster. She took it out of his hand and was like, “I’ll sign it. I’VE ALREADY SIGNED THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!”

Speaking of the poster, here’s mine:



I’m kind of an autograph junkie, but I didn’t want to bother people like Hamada who weren’t there long or Serena who was surrounded all night. Cewsh still got me 22, (I got all tongue tied.) They are:


1. Bryce Remsburg         7. Bonesaw               13. Britani Knight             19. Allison Danger
2. Christina Von Eerie     8. Joey Eastman        14. Mia Yim                     20. Leva Bates
3.  Jett Riley                   9. Brian Gorie            15. Daizee Haze               21. Dave Prazak
4. Amber Gertner          10. Jessica James        16. Tomoka Nakagawa     22. Cheerleader Melissa
5. LuFisto                     11. Saraya Knight        17. MsChif
6. Jordan McEntyre       12. Jamilia Craft          18. Bobby Dempsy

Cewsh:  Oh, and Sweet Saraya hugged me.  It was like being hugged by the Devil.  In a good way.

TNA Victory Road 2011

Total Nonstop Asshattery Proudly Presents…

 
TNA Victory Road 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most credible news source in the entire world, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, but you know, I think you may just already know what it is. See, tonight we’re reviewing TNA Victory Road 2011. Quite aside from the fact that we always review TNA shows (well, usually, and often without just posting pictures of facepalms), this is a landmark show in Cewsh Review history as in one day it became the single most requested show for us to review in the near 3 years we’ve been in the business of giving you the business. We were quite taken aback….until we went and saw for ourselves why it is that that would be. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves boys and girls. We have the follow up to the most surprisingly great match of the year thus far (Brother Devon vs. Bully Ray) from last month, an Ultimate X match to prove that that division actually still exists, and a match for the number one contendership between two people that Cewsh has such conflicting opinions on that the friction may cause combustion of some sort. So kick back, relax, and dig in kids. I have a feeling we’re in for a bumpy ride.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Let me say this right now. No matter what is going on with the product in front of the camera, no matter how discouraged the wrestlers get with management and management gets with the wrestlers, and no matter how nonsensical and silly the storylines seem, TNA’s production team never ceases in busting their asses to give us some really extraordinary hype videos. This one, detailing how Sting left because nobody listened to his warnings about Hogan, did some soul searching and returned better than ever, is the most compelling thing I’ve ever seen Sting in. So if it selling me completely on a guy I have been “meh: towards for the past 5 years then believe me, they are doing something right.


Segment 2 – No Disqualification – Bully (Bully? Bully!) Ray vs. Tommy Dream(ing Of A Company Where Someone Will Push Me)er.

Cewsh: The backstory for this match is pretty simple, almost blessedly so. Ever since the breakup of their team Bully Ray and Brother Devon have been at war with one another, culminating in the incredible emotional surprise match of the year from Against All Odds where Ray ultimately handcuffed Devon to the ropes and made him watch as Ray demolished his sons in the most brutal way possible while screaming at Devon that it was all his fault. Tears were shed, chills were had. It was great. So fast forward to this month and Devon is looking after his boys in the hospital and a mutual friend of theirs (Tommy Dreamer) has entered the picture, demanding to know what the fuck Ray’s problem is. Bully Ray, not being the heartfelt talk sort of dude, attacked him and that led here, to a No Disqualification match of Ray’s design.

Now the match was…not what I expected. After the raw emotion and brutality of last month, things I was not expecting can be expanded to include Bully Ray 69ing with a blow up doll, Tommy Dreamer hitting Bully Ray with a giant stuffed Minion (from Despicable Me, out of DVD now and highly recommend) and, well, comedy.

DANGEROUUUUUUUUUUUUS!

It bothered me at first, but I got used to it as the match went on since Tommy’s issue with Ray isn’t really all THAT serious anyway and they needed to get the fans into this to start the show. So they have their fun brawl with serious moments for awhile, and it looks like Bully has things firmly in hand until Devon’s battered kids show up on the ramp and distract Ray. He pauses for a second to long and turns around into a Brother Devon and Tommy Dreamer 3D through a table and that’s all she wrote for Ray. At this point the match ends and I can say it was a solid opener that wasn’t anything special or anything bad. Just solid.

But let the record show that as understanding as I was about Dreamer not being out for blood, I am totally befuddled by Devon, who WATCHED HIS KIDS BEATEN HALF TO DEATH BY THE MAN HE CONSIDERED HIS BROTHER being totally satisfied with one move and costing Ray a wrestling match in the first chance he gets to get his hands on him afterwards. Following the 3D he dances around, poses, and then goes home. Now ask yourself, with TNA being the shoot company with the focus on realism.

Would that be enough for you if they were your kids?

69 out of 100.

Vice: This match was surprisingly all kinds of entertaining. There was a good mix of comedy and serious action. Probably should have been slightly more serious due to the drama that’s been going on in the previous weeks, but really, who cares thaaat much?

It featured a blowup doll and D-von getting a bit of revenge.

I don’t feel as if I need to say anything more than that.

But I’m going to.

Wogglety booglely baggaboo, woggadee bogdada.

Tommy Dreamer Over Bully Ray Following The 3D.

Segment 3 – Hello Laaaaaaaadies.

Cewsh: Velvet Sky, Angelina Love and Winter are backstage with Christy Hemme, and yet again Velvet and Winter are arguing over who gets to be Angelina’s BFF. Nothing is resolved, though Angelina blames Velvet for the trouble and storms off in a huff trailing Winter while Velvel looks incredulously on.

Now with that said, shall we see what Velvet Sky looks like in high definition?

Yes. Yes, That’ll Do.

A step back for our feminist leanings? OR a step for ward for our awesomeness leanings? I’ll leave that question to philosophers.

Segment 4 – TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – Seasons of Love (Winter and Angelina Love) ©. vs. The Wild Itas (Sarita and Rosita).

Cewsh: The backstory here is that Velvel and Angelina have been besties ever since the beginning days of the Knockouts division, and despite some speed bumps, have remained so throughout the years. Yet recently Winter has been stalking Angelina claiming to be her biggest fan, and little by little Winter has been subtly manipulating Angelina into liking her more than Velvet, something Velvet sees right through but can’t convince Angelina of. Meanwhile Sarita has basically been terrorizing Velvet, picking her apart due to her comparative lack of wrestling skills and has now brought in her sister Rosita to finally wrest the tag titles away from the Beautiful People (including Winter I guess).

Vice: This match was just clunky, and it’s a shame. Sarita is a fantastic wrestler, Winter looked great out there, Angelina has proven herself capable numerous times despite not being consistently good, and Rosita is.. who?

But still, with numerous potentially good/great talent in this match, why was it so bad? Booking? Miscommunication? Wrong story? I don’t know, but nothing fit very well. I wasn’t expecting some great match in the 5 minutes they got, but I’m just saying that there was potential for it to be a lot better. The finish was kind of dumb as well. I really do dislike it when someone is rolled up for like 20 seconds and still gets pinned in the end. Especially when the person is a half foot from the ropes. Maybe it was just bad positioning, but Winter came off looking like a complete buffoon for not slightly bending her arm to reach the ropes. I wouldn’t mind something like that happening to a rookie to build a story, but she’s supposed to be a bit of a veteran. Stupid stupid.

I’d like to say I’m curious where the Angelina/Winter/Velvet stuff is going after this, but I don’t give a fuck. I really don’t.

If TNA wants to make a lot of money, they should release a replica of the dart board they use to make booking decisions. Can you imagine the drinking game fun college kids could have with that? Shit, even senior citizens would want to get in on the zaniness. Young kids would want to get into the action. It’d create a whole new generation of alcoholism that would bring this country out the depression that it’s in. Ironically by causing country-wide depression.

Cewsh: Patent pending.

Vice is dead on though. The fact is that this match just didn’t exactly work. Nobody really seemed to mesh with one another, everything looked sloppy for the most part (except for Winter who I must say was a notable exception in her work here) and Rosita especially looked inexperienced and out of position throughout the match and especially at the finish which shouldn’t have been confusing but was made to be because of how they mucked it up.

These women are all talented in their various ways, but tonight just really wasn’t their night.

60 out of 100.

The Wild Itas Over Seasons of Love Following Shenanigans.

Segment 5 – Jeff Jarrett. Poor Husband. Best Dad Ever.

Cewsh: We switch to the video feed of Karen Jarrett and Jeff Jarrett on their honeymoon, and it isn’t exactly blissful. For one thing, Jeff has taken them to an amusement park, and for another thing he is ignoring Karen entirely to buy the kids pizza and ride roller coasters. This makes Karen understandably unhappy (her kids, apparently, do not warrant pizza) and she continually demands to go back to the hotel while Jeff pretends she isn’t talking. For like 5 minutes.

“Yes, It Really Is This Big. Thank You For Noticing.”

Okay, there are a few different ways that you could choose to look at these angles with Karen and Jeff Jarrett on their honeymoon. You could take the reasonable point of view that they are intended to remind us what a dick Jeff Jarrett is and make us want Kurt Angle to crusherize him. That would be a fine and respectable opinion. Or you could take the view that, say, they are an enormous fucking waste of time that accomplishes nothing and makes this storyline even more awkward than it already was, prolonging it past the point where even the people involved could possibly give the ghost of a rat dick.

In fact yeah, let’s go with that one.

Segment 6 – First Blood Match – (Hotstuff) Hernandez vs. Matt (No Messages From WWE Yet? Sigh.) Morgan.

Cewsh: So Hernandez is back in TNA now after about a year hiatus…and is exactly where he left off. See, a year or so ago, Matt Morgan had turned on Hernandez at Against All Odds, leading to a series of increasingly dreary matches between the two, following which Hernandez fucked off to Mexico where he was received with indifference. Now he’s back and is a heel who wants us to know that white people are the new minority and that they are all inferior to him. He’s also sort of joined Immortal but kind of not? It isn’t really clear. What IS clear is that Matt Morgan wants to kick him in the face after a series of taunts and shenanigans from Hernie since his return. So here we be.

I Miss This Hernandez.

This match is pretty much like every other match these guys have had together. There’s lots of punching, its very slow paced and it dissolves from your mind the second its over like a Skittle in a can of Pepsi. The ending, though, is an altogether different story, as, well, ah fuck, Vice you explain it. I’m still trying to figure it out.

70 out of 100.

Vice: What a hoot this match was, especially the finish. And by hoot, I mean shitfest. This match was dull and boring, and pretty much everything about it was wrong. So wrong that I don’t even know what to say about the actual action that happened. It actually wasn’t that bad. The finish came when Morgan splattered Hernandez with a chain, and they got a close-up of ol’ Hernandez pulling a blade out of his attire and scraping across his forehead to create a bloody wound.

Wait a minute, why would someone do this!? First blood loses, Hernandez, not wins! Why would you cut yourself open in a match like this! You masochistic lunatic! Why!?

Thankfully there was a very good Samaritan in the Impact Zone, one of the only to ever be there, and he shouted the rules out to Hernandez, notifying him of the situation he had just gotten into. Fortunately Hernandez had some fake blood on him, which he clearly used to accentuate the wounds he would normally give himself for more attention, being the emo fuck that he is. He squirted that fake blood all over Morgan, to which caught the eye of the referee, leading Hernandez to win the match. PHEW. Next time use your brain more wisely, Hernie! You almost lost!

Raise Your Hand If This Is Confusing To You Too.

On one hand it’s actually fairly brilliant to use fake blood, but at the same time it’s just massively underwhelming and not something people want to see when they spend money to watch a show like this. Impact, sure, PPV, no.


Hernandez Over Matt Morgan Following A Fake Blood Spurt.

Segment 7 – Oh For Fuck’s Sake. Who Let Generation Me And Kazarian Into The Promo Room?

Cewsh: We’re backstage with Christy Hemme and Generation Me and Jeremy starts to say something, only to get steamrolled by his brother who announces that they have decided together (they hadn’t) that Max is winning the title because its his birthday. Jeremy seems not exactly thrilled by this but sighs and agrees to go along with it anyway.

Meanwhile, Kazarian is backstage also does some talking. At least I think he does. He moves his lips in talking related ways and my brain just skips right over it to save itself from harm.

Good ol’ brain.

Segment 8 – TNA X Division Championship – Ultimate X Match – Kazarian © vs. Robbie E vs. Jeremy Buck vs. Max Buck.

Vice: This really should have been better than it was. You’ve got two ridiculous high flyers in Generation Me, Ultimate X veteran Kazarian, and.. Robbie E, to balance things out. I like everyone in this match, but it just didn’t click like it should have. It had some cool spots and moments, but nothing that absolutely screamed “HOLY SHIT”. Not that I require people risking death to make me entertained, but one of the problems with the Ultimate X gimmick is that unless they do something absolutely nuts, there’s been so many over the years that we’ve seen it all. Numerous times. It’s becoming dangerously close to The Simpsons– something you always look at with a smile and anticipate, but has been very lackluster and disappointing for longer than it was actually something great. I think these guys need to sit down and really brainstorm about what innovative things they can do in the future. Once they reach x amount (lol), they should work towards building up an Ultimate X match. But as it stands, TNA bookers hit “Ultimate X!!!!!” on the gimmick match dart board, and the wrestlers don’t have anything neat to do. It’s a shame, really, as the matches used to be ridiculously fun at a near guaranteed level.

It wasn’t really bad though. Just wasn’t anything we haven’t seen before. I’d like to say that Kazarian’s win with him walking across the tight ropes while hanging onto the X platform was a great way to end the match, but I really do think they’ve done that before. Maybe not for the win, but at least an attempt. Who knows.

Though In Fairness, This Really Was A Cool Moment.

Another thing I’d like to bitch about his the one night booking of Generation Me, because I really dislike the nonsense that it was. Max said it was all about him, and Jeremy said alright. So for 90% of the match they are working together to help get Max the win until HOLY MOTHER TERESA ANAL SEXING A TRANSYLVANIA PANHANDLER WITH A 19 INCH EDVARD MUNCH’S “THE SCREAM” STRAP-ON Jeremy decided he’d like to go for the belt. I didn’t see that coming! Did you?!

Scoff.

Cewsh: I remember the first time I saw an Ultimate X match. It was several years ago (I’m old) and Vice and I were checking out wrestling clips on the internet after videos of guys like AJ Styles and Amazing Red introduced us to life outside of WWE (me more than him, frankly). We stumbled across one of the early Ultimate X matches, and I remember watching in disbelief that this was even POSSIBLE. After all, WWE just used ladders, and these guys were doing these crazy flips while hanging from cable just as high up as Jeff Hardy jumped from. Looking back those matches were messy, spotty, and were wrestled by people who had no idea what they were doing in the ring in between preplanned spots. They don’t hold up.

But what does hold up is that sense of seeing something new and innovative, and as Vice said, this match just doesn’t have that feeling anymore. They’ve milked this poor cow dry and its time to move onto another one. There’s nothing left here to do, and no performers left on the roster who really belong in this kind of match anymore.

It a sad reality, but there it is.

73 out of 100.

Kazarian Over Everyone Else Following The Crab Scuttle.

Segment 9 – Honeymoon 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Cewsh: Meanwhile in the merry funland of Universal Studios theme park, we see more of the fun filled honeymoon of Jeff Jarrett and his lovely bride. This time Jeff runs up and tells Karen that he has exactly what she wants. He clumsily attempts to imply what it is. She wants it to be champagne, it turns out to be pizza, which the clues Jarrett gave didn’t indicate at all. He must be about the worst Pictionary teammate ever.

Poor Karen, she remains unsatisfied. So do I, for that matter.

Segment 10 – And Your Bully Ray Sexual Harassment Award Of The Night Goes To…

Cewsh: Beer Money Incorporated, oddly enough, as they take a break from their busy schedule of getting drunk and organizing stock portfolios to try to talk Christy Hemme into to doing the Beer Money Dance (patent pending) in order to stare at her ass. Considering it’s a greasy creep and an alcoholic doing this, it crosses the line at some point from merely cheeky and fun to “Wow this is really creepy”.

Yep, There’s The Line. Right There.

They cut a promo on Ink Inc. about how those boys don’t understand respect and such and then they shuffle off, leaving Christy Hemme to remember fondly the time she sat on a pie on national television because her butt was hungry.

Segment 11 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Beer Money Inc(ontinent) © vs. Ink Inc (Inque).

Vice: This was a super solid, fundamentally sound match. Unfortunately it wasn’t really anything more than that. I miss the Machine Guns. Get better, Shelley. Though thinking about it, a fun storyline would be Sabin wrestling with a different tag partner (with Shelley’s blessing, of course) and having terrible chemistry with them. It’s not the most fascinating, world-changing idea or anything like that, but it’d at least keep Sabin on TV and doing something.

Cewsh: There was nothing wrong with this match. If you were trying to find pictures of things to put next to definitions in the dictionary (because who wouldn’t want that job?) and you came to the word “solid” you would be better served using this match to represent it than near anything else. Neal did his part and is showing that he is growing as a performer in addition to being very good at the role he has found for himself (plucky, firey rookie who gets his ass kicked in the end from inexperience). Obviously Beer Money are Beer Money so there’s no issue there. If only I could put my finger on the reason why this match was kept from being actually really good. Hmm, if I only I had a clue…

“Hey, That’s Not Nice!”

Anyway, after his totally underwhelming performance, Shannon Moore refuses to shake hands with Beer Money like Jesse Neal eagerly does and he begins to berate Jesse for being such a rookie and not understanding how things work. I dearly hope this results in Jesse Neal spearing Shannon Moore into low orbit and not Jesse turning heel, because they having something special brewing down the road in a babyface Jesse Neal and they need to see it out.

71 out of 100.

Beer Money Over Ink Inc. Following The DWI.

Segment 12 – Like A Snake, Baby.

Cewsh: Matt Hardy is…

Cold blooded, check it and see,
He’s got a fever of negative three,
Come on baby, he’s got his name on his pants,
He’s cold blooded, cold blooded.

Cold blooded, every night,
Cold blooded, you’re looking so tight,
Cold blooded, now you’re driving me wild,
Cold blooded, he’s so cold for you, child,
Cold blooded, he’s a little bit high,
Cold blooded, you’re a little bit shy,
Cold blooded, you’re making me sing,
Cold blooded, for your sweet, sweet thing.
“Woooooooo!”

Segment 13 – AJ Styles vs. Matt Hardy.

Cewsh: Have you ever heard the phrase “he could carry a broomstick”? I have always been confused by it. Does it mean that the individual could literally go out to the ring with a broomstick and have a compelling match (after all, in DDT they can do it with no broomstick at all) or does it mean that they could have a match with someone who was simply very inflexible? Or does it mean, most likely, that that person is capable of making a good match happen under extremely arduous circumstances because they are just that good. If we accept that to be the case then I am confident in saying this.

Matt Hardy is a broomstick.

A Really Crazy Broomstick.

AJ Styles, in this match, performs one of the greatest carry jobs that you will ever see in your life. Using his entire repertoire of moves, including some he hasn’t busted out in years, and every scrap of selling he knows in order to make this look like a good competitive match with Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy, for his part, contributes but not falling over too often, and sucking in his gut whenever he remembers to. He does some nice things here and there, and that would make for a watchable match in the hands of a different opponent, but AJ Styles takes those scraps and turns them into something truly interesting and fun all the way through.

And This Is The Thanks He Gets. All The Old Man Handjobs He Can Take.

AJ Styles is beyond mortal men, and for all intents and purposes, he seems to be the only one who cares anymore.

 
82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Fucking hell I love AJ Styles, and boy is this the AJ I’ve been wanting to see for a very long time. This is the AJ that goes NUTS on PPV when TNA needs a miracle to save the show. He was sliding under guard rails, diving off guard rails, pele-ing fuckers left and right and Spiral Tapping his way to a surprisingly damn good match with Matt Hardy. They need to keep this up with him, because this is the AJ that consistently makes TNA worth watching and PPVs worth buying (figuratively, of course).

Matt looked really trim, for Matt Hardy anyway, last month, but now it looks like he’s already starting to puff back up.

No Way. Abs Of Steel.

He did better than I thought he would, but you could tell that AJ was picking up the slack.

AJ is so awesome. He is my hero.

AJ Styles Over Matt Hardy Following The Spiral Tap.

Segment 14 – The Honeymoon. Yes. Again.

Cewsh: Karen Jarrett wants to have sex. Jeff Jarrett wants to talk about how much he misses Kurt Angle.

And Kurt Misses His Axe.

Priorities may be an issue here.

 Segment 15 – Ken Anderson Makes Sex Jokes About Dixie Carter.

Cewsh: This show is making my balls hurt.

Segment 16 – Number One Contendership Match – Ken Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam.

Cewsh: Alright, now we’re onto a good ol’ fashioned singles match for the number one contendership, in a face vs. face match between Rob Van Dam and Ken Anderson. Their place here is well deserved after the trials and tribulations that Jeff Hardy and Immortal have put them through for the past few months. Each man rather unceremoniously had the World title taken from them (Anderson actually lost it, Van Dam was “put out with an injury” by Abyss and forced to vacate) and neither man has gotten the rematch for the title that they fairly deserve, so now they’re lining up to see which one gets to knock the block off of Sting or Hardy, or, frankly, both.

Its worth mentioning also, that the video prior to this match sets all of this conflict, and the personal ego battle between Van Dam and Anderson up beautifully.

Vice: This match is a bit sloppy to start things out, but the intentions were good and it still came off fairly well. Anderson won my heart all over again by handling the crowd with his big mouth. After a leapfrog gone awry and Anderson using his Spiked Hair Thrust to counter RVD’s gravity defying Floating Tea Bag, the crowd was beyond happy telling them they fucked up, to which Anderson replies “..I MEANT TO DO THAT”, putting them in their place. I enjoyed it. In fact, that was probably the highlight of the match.

The rest of it was fairly good, but nothing crazy. Solid solid solid. Unfortunately the end of it is not so good, being a double count-out and all. I can kind of see why they did that, but at the same time it’s just nonsense to keep booking like this. You could potentially get away with this on Impact, but the problem with TNA is that they never really have any resolution to anything. No clean finishes. Always something screwy. No reason to reason to ever get really invested in these matches. It’s actually a giant swerve when there IS a clean finish.

To be fair though, at least the double count-out was set up in a fairly organic way. For the most part.

I do wish more of the crowd was alive for this match. Would have done wonders for it.

Cewsh: Look, these guys tried.

That’s actually one of the major things I’ve been noticing about this show as it has gone on. You can visibly tell the difference between guys who are trying hard and really wanting to make this show a success and the people who are just mehing it up, trying to get through another show. These guys try, but no matter what they do, the Impact Zone isn’t buying it at all. They spend the entire match amusing themselves with dueling “I’m an Asshole” “Rob Van Dam” chants that would ordinarily be good, but don’t sync up with the action in the ring, so they aren’t really even chanting it FOR anybody. Then, when the double count out draws boos and then a chant demanding a restart, a good percentage of the chant vehemently yells “NO!” to the fans requesting it.

Tough crowd.

But the main problem here wasn’t really even wish the match, because it was fine. If the main event went well then there’d be no real issues here. But as we will see, this needed to be so much more to send the fans home happy with what was to come. And, well, it wasn’t.

73 out of 100.

No Contest Over No Contest Following Contest No.
Segment 17 – Jeff Hardy Cuts A Promo.

Cewsh: He is completely sober here. BUT WAIT…

Segment – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting(s To Have This On Your Resume) © vs. Jeff (Foreboding) Hardy.

Cewsh: Okay, the rest of this show was really just sprigs of parsley on a plate. This is the entrée you boys and girls have been waiting for, so I wont keep you from it any longer. For the sake of covering this match fully, I will break it into 4 parts. The backstory, what I saw, what we know about what really happened, and my thoughts. Sound good? Alright, let’s do this. First the backstory.

Part 1: The Backstory.

Now obviously Jeff Hardy has made himself into the Crown Jewel of Immortal recently, and has ruffled a few feathers ever since but this story actually dates back much further than that. The story goes back to the beginning of Sting and Hulk Hogan in WCW. Hogan had always fucked everything up and Sting had always fought him, and that caused Sting to be paramoid when Hogan came to TNA. That paranoia resulted in Sting seeing Immortal coming a mile away but being unable to convince everyone except for D’Angelo Dinero (who went insane) and Kevin Nash (who went to WWE). So he left, only to come back in Immortal’s darkest hour and vanquish Jeff Hardy as a surprise opponent for the title chosen by “The Network”.

Now Sting is the champion and Jeff is coming for him. Theoretically.

Part 2: What I Saw.

Alright then. An awesome video package leads us in and then Jeff Hardy’s awesome music hits. This is pretty much guaranteed to be awesome. His music plays for a good 40 seconds before Hardy comes stumbling out of the entrance, singing along to his own music and haphazardly doing spurts of his little dance like he’s not sure whether he’s supposed to or not. Then he wanders down to the ring, and trips getting into it with a big dopey grin on his face, that just looks strange with his wacky clown paint.

I Wasn’t Kidding.

At this point Jeff seems strange, but not super visibly impaired. I mean, you’d see worse walking by a college in the middle of the day.

They get into the ring and JB does the ring introductions. Of course Sting is in the ring, but Jeff is outside it, seemingly being talked out by half the roster, from camera guys to agents to referees. As Jeff enters the ring, referee Brian Hebner gets a close up and genuinely looks anxious, like something is seriously wrong and he doesn’t know what to do. Still, Borash and Sting do their bit while Hardy makes faces in the corner until suddenly Eric Bischoff comes out and announces that there is a change of plans.

Notice The Sign Over His Shoulder.

He announces that this is going to be a No DQ match now to allow revenge for what happened on Impact. Bisch also, while doing this, visibly tells Sting something he doesn’t want the camera to see him say. Throughout this Jeff makes no reaction whatsoever, including when Sting lays out Bischoff who falls right onto Hardy who expresses mild surprise at this, like you might if you found a gummy bear stuck to your shoe, say, or maybe a whole bunch of drugs conveniently in your locker backstage right before your main event match.

The bell rings, and Jeff decides to spend 5 minutes trying to figure out where to throw his shirt. Sting chases him into the corner and tries to engage Jeff but Jeff just kind of stands there and when Sting moves, he goes back to trying to decide where the shirt should go. He finally throws it (it travels 9 and 2/3rds inches) and the camera cuts to Sting in time for him to audibly and visibly say “FUCK!” Sting them grabs Jeff, seems to try to do something with him, and then suddenly cycles behind him, hits the Scorpion Death Drop, and covers Jeff for the three count as Jeff blatantly attempts to kick out very much for real, even getting his shoulder up. Jeff then gapes in astonishment at Sting as Sting gives him a stern look, and celebrates with the title.

He Seems Happy.

The announcers try to make it seem like nothing out of the ordinary happened (it IS TNA after all) and then Jeff throws a temper tantrum, kicking the ropes and punching the turnbuckles, and acting like an 8 year old girl who has once again found her Christmas tree innocent of a pony.

The fans begin to chant bullshit as Sting walks back up the rant, including one especially vocal fan in the front row as Sting passes. Sting looks at the guy, looks back at Jeff and loudly says into the camera “I agree.”

Then Taz and Tenay have to spend 10 minutes watching and discussing a highlight video of the show. Which is arguably a jailable offense for whomever inflicted it on them.

Part 3: What Apparently Happened.

Well that’s the rub, isn’t it? What really did happen?

I’ve been compiling information from various sources all day, and while some details are hazy and other speculation, the general story that people have formed goes like this. At some point Jeff Hardy showed up late to the Impact Zone. According to eyewitness reports (of questionable veracity but this IS TNA, not WWE, and they don’t have as stringent privacy rules) Jeff was visibly fucked up and management was freaking out about it. Jeff was said to have appeared totally out of it (which obviously jives with what we saw in the ring) but went out anyway. When Bischoff came out, he allegedly said to Sting “Hit him with the bat and go home.” Despite this Sting TRIED to get something out of him, but judged Jeff too far gone to even be left alone long enough for Sting to find the bat, so he gave him the Drop, dead weight pinned him and left in disgust.

Hey Ref, His Shoulder Is Up! Jeff Was Robbed!

After the show it was announced that Jeff Hardy would not be coming to the Impact tapings, and Hulk Hogan tweeted that “some serious decisions need to be made”. So make of all of this what you will.

I hate to base so much of that on rumor and heresay but, well, that’s what there is at this point.

Part 4: Thoughts.

Hmm. What were my thoughts about all of this? I don’t know, maybe something along the lines of HOLY FUCKING WHAT THE FUCKSHIT JEFF WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE SHIT NO WHYWHATWHYWHATWHOWHEREFUCK YOU CAN’T DO THIS YOU WERE DOING SO WELL WELL NOT REALLY WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT BUT THE WHOLE FUCKING COMPANY IS BUILT AROUND YOU AND YOU’RE GOING TO PUT EVERYONE OUT OF A JOB WHEN THE FANS SUE YOU FUCKING SHITBRICKING FUCLOADED LITTLE TWAT OF A TWEET!

Or something to that effect.

I can honestly say that if this is REAL, and let me reiterate the if on that because the way it was done could easily indicate that this was storyline all the way through, but if this is real then it is totally unheard of as far as I’m aware. To show up to the main event of a PPV sold with your name in absolutely no condition to wrestle at all and to ignore the demands of everyone around you to do so isn’t just fucking stupid, its career suicide (Note: Maybe he can become Suicide).

You know Jeff Hardy used an interesting line in the opening video tonight. “It doesn’t matter because I’m Jeff Fucking Hardy.” Based on tonight, I can’t deny that he certainly seems to feel that way. Now let me make this clear. If Jeff Hardy showed up for this match inebriated, ruined the main event of this show, and just ruined his career in one segment then this will and should go down in history as the single stupidest thing that has ever occurred in the history of professional wrestling (mud wrestling miscarriages included). If, on the other hand, this is a storyline and they’re planning on working it into a feud somehow, then it is a pathetic message to TNA fans that there is absolutely no need to buy their PPVs if they want to see matches or feuds blown off, or even any main event at all. They will have murdered the concept of their own PPVs in a way that is practically unprecedented, and might as well close them up now and try something else.

I’m sure all 3 people who bought this in the first place will be devastated. I’m just glad nobody got hurt.

But what the hell, I’m feeling charitable. Sting was the epitome of class and veteran leadership in this debacle (seriously, he was) and what’s the harm in a little silliness to end the night. You know what? Fuck it.

 
100 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Platinum Seal of Approval.

Wait, wait, wait. Sorry. Typo.

1 out of 100.

Vice: Ahahahha this was the greatest thing I have ever seen. This whole Sting nonsense has been a load of bile on my already average dinner that TNA has been serving me lately, and the Jeff Hardy bullshit is just disgraceful. Brilliant at first, but they need to make their damn minds up with what is happening.

I didn’t really have any interest in this match, so Jeff coming out completely intoxicated beyond belief and unable to actually compete was just.. amazing. So bad that it’s good. It’s dreadful for the company, too, and could even become catastrophic. It was a laugh out loud moment when Sting got the win a minute and a half in, after a minute and a quarter spent stalling and messing with the crowd. I do wonder if Sting just said fuck it. And this brings me to something I’d like to mention..

You know why I still have fun with American wrestling despite hating it almost constantly? Because I love it when stuff like this happens. It gets everyone talking. Everyone speculates on whether it was real or a work. People debate about whether TNA did the right thing or should have been more on the ball. What is going to happen to Jeff. What the hell is going on in Sting’s mind. Stuff like that. There really are a bajillion things to talk about, and aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll the crazies come out of the asylum to discuss their conspiracy theories, and it’s so entertaining. As much as people love to say that TNA is like WCW in the Russo days, it’s really not. Not even fucking close. But I almost wish TNA was at those levels. They’re trying to be a decent company– they really are. And at times they show so much hope that it’s just crushing to see them fall back into their bad habits again and again. Sometimes I really do wish they’d stop trying and just become something that is universally mocked and simultaneously adored for the sheer entertainment value of the nonsense.

Charlie Sheen for TNA World Heavyweight Champion.

Book it.


Sting Over Jeff Hardy Following The Scorpion Death Drop.

———————————-

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, thank fuck for AJ Styles.


Vice’s Final Score: 67 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Wow. Just wooooooooooow.

Part of me wants to make excuses for TNA here. Part of me wants to make everything seem alright again and sink back into the hopeful miasma which has held me in its grip since the Joe lost the title to Sting at Bound For Glory 3 years ago. That part of me is growing smaller, and smaller and smaller. Let’s even ignore for a minute the main event atrocity which, if it was real, couldn’t have been planned. The entire rest of the card was just one large and loud statement that the people currently in charge of TNA’s shows do not know what to do with the product they have right now. I hate to be that guy saying it, but its true. They now have no top heel, no compelling storylines, and every storyline that they do have seems almost engineered to NOT draw money.

And then when you do include the main event…what can you even say? This company is fucking amateur hour. I wish it would close down so someone else could start over. I have finally given up.

 Cewsh’s Final Score: 62.37 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you got your money’s worth (unlike anyone who bought this show) and we hope that after reading this you have not given up on wrestling altogether and left televisions and the internet behind forever to go and live in a cave. In case you’re still with us, take heart! Next week we’ll have something not nearly so unpleasant for you as we do our yearly ritual of reviewing a promotion’s biggest match of the year from the past to hype up on the Road to Wrestlemania. This year we will be reviewing none other than the legendary, memorable, and even mythical Wrestlemania 3. How good was Hogan/Andre really? Is Steamboat/Savage overrated? Why are there 800 matches on that card? Tune in to find out and until then, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another.

Now let’s all take a nap with Jeff Hardy.

TNA Against All Odds 2011

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Against All Odds 2011

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only reviews defended by the champion of Redwall, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we take a trip down to Orlando and ride the rides at Universal Studios, shed a tear at the office space where Nickelodeon Studios used to be, and, if there’s time, review TNA’s Against All Odds 2011! Now when last we left TNA, Immortal had all the titles in TNA except for the very most prized one which Ken Anderson had won in shocking fashion. He’s managed to hold onto it all month despite the best attempts of Fortune to get it back and tonight Jeff Hardy will have to try to take it away himself, all alone, in the match that he made Extreme, a ladder match. Meanwhile, Immortal is in turmoil as Fortune (AJ Styles, Kazarian and Beer Money) have split from the group to find their own spotlight, and Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner and Amazing Red really tall brother have come together with them to even the odds. Tonight things wont be settled, but people will punch each other over issues, which is good enough for me.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: We kick things off on this show with our usual opening video. BUT WAIT, now your wrestling hype video comes with 150% more mediocre metal band! As we see images in sepia tones like an old west wanted poster, we also get to see it interspliced with a music video of come kind by a band that contains the three staples of every bad metal band in existence.

1. White guy with dreadlocks? Check.
2. Strangely New Age sounding name? Check.
3. Cast of Rock of Love Season 4? Err…check apparently.

In between this silliness we learn that Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett are having a match over custody of children, Ken Anderson thinks he can draw fully realized title belts in crayon (with his rectum), and AJ Styles is still awesome. Solely on the strength of that last one, this video gets a pass. Let’s see where the night takes us from here.

Segment 3 – TNA X Division Championship – Kaz(a Mataz)arian © vs. Robbie E(gregious) w/ (Oh) Cookie (Let Me Get In Your Head).

Cewsh: In the weeks leading up to this show, 3 triple threat matches had taken place to crown the three men who would meet here tonight in yet another triple threat match to determine the number one contender to the X Division title. Unfortunately Robbie E and the two members of Generation Me were the respective winners, and Generation Me missed their flight. So instead of that, Robbie E and Cookie come out and demand that Generation Me be formally disqualified, giving him the shot. The ref grudgingly does it, and they turn to go before Kaz emerges from the entryway and says that since Robbie is the number one contender, he’ll be getting his match roughly…um…NOW.

Robbie E isn’t really pleased at this development, and he’s even less pleased when Kazarian calls his manager a “dirty little garden gnome” (which is pretty good for Kazarian) and he’s even LESS pleased when Kaz proceeds to start kicking the shit out of him all over ringside. Robbie fights back in his dickcheesious way and gets the advantage to resounding boos from the crowd (who are playing along with a match for once). Kaz fights, back, near fall, near fall, near fall, until finally Robbie gets thrown into the turnbuckle, leaps up to dodge and lands perfectly on Kaz’s shoulders for a devastating Air Raid Crash which literally planted Robbie’s neck onto the heel of Kaz’s shoe and pins him for the surefire win.

As far as opening matches go, there was nothing wrong with this at all. Robbie E has great heat and the crowd seems to be warming for Kazarian so it was a great save by TNA after 2/3rds of their match no showed (much better than what they did to Doug Williams and the volcano excursion). Not too much, not too little. Just right.

70 out of 100.

Cewsh Note: Vice has disappeared. This much has already been known, but the true nature of his absence is as noteworthy as the absence itself. You see, his arch nemesis of these long years the Midgar Zolom appeared at his door dressed as a Girl Scout selling cookies, the fiend. Vice, naturally taken in by the promise of thin mints, let down his guard and kidnapped by the beast. He probably should have noticed that the girl scout was two dozen feet tall and was, in fact, a giant snake, but hey, we all make mistakes.

As a result of these tumultuous events, I have sought far and wide for a replacement for Vice on this show, finally getting ahold of Vice’s Mexican cousin Senor Vicio. He isn’t familiar with the wrestling in this country, or as it happens the English language, but let’s make him feel welcome to the Cewsh Reviews family.

Senor Vicio: Estoy empezando a amar a Robbie E. Al principio pensé que no valía nada, pero ahorase ha demostrado como un personaje muy divertido. Quiero ver más de él. Me gustacómo TNA improvisados este segmento porque Max y Jeremy no podía hacerlo.

Kazarian sale con una gran ovación y dice que va a luchar ahora. Este fue un primer partido muy bueno. Nada espectacular, pero muy divertido aún. Una buena manera deempezar el espectáculo. Realmente me gusta cómo va Kazarian 120% en PPV.

Me alegro de verle ganar, también.

Kazarian Over Robbie E Following The Air Raid Crash.

Segment 3 – Scott Steiner Needs To Borrow Some Beer Money.

Cewsh: Scott Steiner and Beer Money are backstage with Christy Hemme and Christy asks Scott his thoughts on their upcoming match against Big Rob Terry and the Job Squad. He proceeds to stutter a few times, and grab James Storm’s beer out of his hand, downing it in one go. He then says that the match is going to be exactly like a match he had two years ago which is exactly like a match at the beginning of his career. He then stutters some more, prompting another beer chug and then announces that “I’m going to be putting my foot so far up your ass, you’re going to be suit.” He then tells Rob Terry that its clear that he’s been taking the vitamins like Immortal suggests, but that’s its too bad they don’t give vitamins for coordination, which I assume is a shoot comment about Terry being stiff as a board.

Then Steiner walks like an Egyptian off screen as Christy and Beer Money just laugh in disbelief. He then returns while RObert Roode is talking to give him a creepy massage.

Its Only Weird If We Let It Be.

THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you cut a promo.

Segment 4 – Rob Terry and Some Other Guys vs. Scott Steiner and the Beer Sharps.

Cewsh: Here’s the thing. Beer Money are great. Scott Steiner is amazing in his way. Rob Terry is a really exciting talent who could develop into something special if he’s given the chance and protected in the right way. And Gunner and Murphy are…yeah they’re there too. But the trouble is that none of the elements in this match make any sense together whatsoever. It doesn’t make sense for Fortune and Scott Steiner to have anything to do with each other, because Fortune is against the old guys stealing spots from them, and even if Steiner is a face, he still meets that criteria. Rob Terry turned heel and joined Immortal for money, which is fair enough, but he’s been made to look like a total afterthought jobber after having spent a whole year being built effective as the Murder Machine. Then there’s Gunner and Murphy who, in all seriousness, have been jobbed out ever since the first day they showed up, and I’m not sure why we’re supposed to buy them as credible now.

Add all that together, and you get a match that is really confusing, and really awkward. Thankfully one thing, and one thing only, saves this match from being dickbutter. And his name is Big Poppa Pump. Steiner’s irreverent humor and total crowd support makes this match seem like a much bigger deal than it is, and his mini feud with Terry actually brings out some interest from this whole muddled thing. That doesn’t make this match a delight or anything, but it makes it tolerable in the least. And when the big guy nails the Frankensteiner off the top, there’s nothing more beautiful.

67 out of 100.

Senor Vicio: ¡BIG ROB TERRY! ¡Scott Steiner!

¿Cómo épica es esto? Bueno, no realmente. Lo que sea. Tenía la esperanza de que habría más de este partido, pero es lo que es, y eso no es mucho, lamentablemente.

Scott Steiner and the Beer Sharps Over Rob Terry and Some Other Guys Following A Frankensteiner.

Segment 5 – D’Von’s Kids Look Exactly Like He Used To.

Cewsh: Except, you know, minus 5 inches and 8 million cheeseburgers.

It Really Looks Like Both Of Them Together Might Be Thinner Than Devon.

Anyway, here Devon says that he wont be letting his two sons be part of the planned 3 on 1 handicap match against Bully Ray later tonight. Why would that match even be taking place? We’ll get to that a little later…

Segment 6 – Samoa (Sloppy) Joe vs. D’Angelo (Crazy Fuck) Dinero.

Cewsh: I’m gonna be honest with you. I have no idea what is going on with these two. A few months ago, Dinero turned heel to join with Nash and Sting to fight against what they believed to be a conspiracy against them by TNA management. When they turned out to be totally right (the conspiracy was the beginnings of Immortal) Sting and Nash left and Dinero turned back face because, hey, he hadn’t been doing anything heelish. So he was a face for awhile until all of a sudden he decided to not only call out Samoa Joe for no reason, but to become a complete over the top insane motherfucker roasting pigs in the middle of the ring and literally STEALING FROM CHARITIES FOR FUN.

Joe, on the other hand, was twisting in the wind after he was betrayed by Jeff Jarrett and then beaten sounded by Jarrett since he was a total afterthought to the planned Jarrett/Angle feud. Then he gets mixed up in the 300th feud where somebody (Dinero in this case) calls him fat. Except now he has a sidekick (Okada from New Japan) who is a direct and complete rip off of the sidekick from the Green Hornet. This has never been explained or fleshed out in any way.

So now here Dinero and Joe are, both once prospects that I announced in these very reviews that TNA could not possibly fuck up, and they are facing each other in a match that I just cannot make myself want to watch. This is not good.

But this match, well there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that Pope wore these awesome shorts:

Awesome.

The bad news is pretty much everything else.

These two have unique styles that need to be sold for and paced in different ways. The combination of those two styles COULD provide for an entertaining match, but here they just don’t really, as Joe spends too much time on defense, and Pope spends too much time on offense. If Joe were a different kind of babyface (the sympathetic kind) this would work great. But Samoa Joe has always been, and always will be a destroyer. That is what we understand him to be, and him trying to be anything other than that just kind of falls flat and makes him look weak at this point. Then he grabs on the Koquina Clutch out of nowhere and Pope taps out literally in half a second, so the match ends before it even has time to register that anything has happened.

After the match Pope offers a handshake to Joe who, bound by the Code of Honor, goes for it. Pope then beats the shit out of him because if wrestling has taught me anything it is that anybody who offers you a greeting of any kind if just going to attack you, which is why I preemptively headbutt nuns. Can’t be too careful. Okada (or as they have cleverly renamed him “Okado”) leaps in to protect Joe and is promptly knocked out with one punch. Dinero celebrates his success, though possibly he may want to be less confident after seeing Joe’s face:

Meep!

Dinero? Do you have a completely inappropriate reaction?

Yes, That’ll Do.

68 out of 100.

Senor Vicio: Joe tiene las botas realmente estúpido. El Papa es una locura.

¿Cómo carajo TNA Joe a este mal? Cuando debutó, sólo parecía un imposible.Asegúrese de que el GOLDBERG te mataré todo tipo de personaje no puede durar para siempre y, finalmente, tendrán que desarrollar una personalidad poco más. TNAsólo lo hizo todo mal aunque. Él ha sido destruida varias veces ya, y ahora todos y luego se va a hacer algo que nos da un poco de esperanza, pero luego se destruyerápidamente.

Yo estaba realmente esperando este partido sería mejor ya que tanto los hombrestienen el potencial de ser sorprendente en el ring, pero esto fue sólo un poco de allí. No me gusta mucho, aunque no fue un mal partido. Me gustó que el Papa presentó tan rápidamente a la estrangulación sin embargo. No se ve gran parte de que ya en estos días, lo que me hace un poco triste.

Samoa Joe Over D’Angelo Dinero Following The Koquina Clutch.
Segment 6 – Goddamit Mickie.

Cewsh: Today Mickie has decided to plays indians instead of cowgirls. Still eagerly anticipating the day when she chooses to resemble a good wrestler.

Mickie cuts a promo suggesting that Madison only got the championship by sleeping around for it, which is totally preposterous as we have documented that the only time she ever slept with anyone for gain was so somebody ELSE could win the title. Because our perfect Madison is just that much of a giver.

Lucky fucking Slick Johnson.

Segment 7 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Last Woman Standing Match – Madison (Our Killer Queen) Rayne © vs. Mickie (Our Killed Interest) James.

Cewsh: The storyline here has gone on for some time, and dates back to when Mickie first arrived in TNA. See, Mickie has wanted to cement herself as the top female wrestler in what she believes to be the top female wrestling promotion in the world (since she has apparently never heard of Shimmer). She has been hampered by numerous obstacles along the way before she finally got her chances with Madison, but their series of matches has been plagued by Madison knocking her the fuck out with a loaded MMA glove she has taken to wearing. Now they’re here to, conceivably, settle the score for good in a Last Woman Standing match where one woman has to put the other down until the count of ten.

Now we love us some Madison, you should be familiar with that idea by now. And we dislike Mickie to just about an equal degree. But despite our gripes about Mickie, there was nothing wrong with this match at all. Mickie laid in the offense making it look like she wanted that title bad, and Madison is as good a heel as women’s wrestling has these days. But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that this match has an ending that…well…

Mickie gets Madison down, and Madison appears to be about down for the count. Not contented with this, however, Mickie snatches the loaded glove off of Madison’s hand (because of course the referee wouldn’t object to someone just wearing an established loaded glove all match long) and puts it on herself. Then Tara runs out, and in a fit of brilliance Mickie decides to punch her to get rid of her. However, while still WEARING A LOADED GLOVE ON HER LEFT HAND she punches Tara with her right, causing Tara to struggle with her instead of, say, being knocked the fuck out. Realizing her mistake, she DOES clock Tara with the loaded glove, but this has allowed Madison to pull out some brass knuckles and knock Mickie out. Madison then goes for a pin for a solid 5 seconds before the ref informs her that he can’t start counting until she remembers what kind of match she’s in. She rolls off, Mickie gets counted out, and Cewsh Reviews Superfan (and People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2011) takerson holds up the awesomest and most appropriate sign in wrestling history.

 
=

68 out of 100.

Senor Vicio: ¡Tetas!

Madison Rayne Over Mickie James Following A Brass Knuckle Blow.

Segment 8 – Jeff Hardy. Does Anything Else Really Need To Be Said?

Cewsh: Jeff Hardy is backstage attempting to put on makeup unsuccessfully.

Applying Lipstick. You’re Doing It Wrong.

He cuts a promo on Ken Anderson that is actually pretty good, as Hardy’s character is still really interesting, and it would be a lot easier to take this in if he weren’t actively sticking big pieces of chalk into his eye socket while he did it. You know, distracting.

 Segment 9 – Oh Hey, Its Matt Morgan.

Cewsh: At this point in the show, Matt Morgan decides to saunter to the ring in street clothes in what is conceivably a surprise moment to call our Hernandez for a fight. I say conceivably, because while the idea here is that Morgan did this spontaneously, the atrocious announce team just treats this like the next item on the run sheet, sucking any excitement out of it entirely.

Hell Even Mike Tenay Tunes Out Taz When He Talks.

Morgan wastes no time calling out Hernandez. His and Hernandez then comes out and cuts a promo about how they appreciated him in Mexico and don’t here in America because they’re looking for the “next great white hope”. He also proclaims that Morgan is “not the majority anymore. Now YOU’RE the minority” which seems like kind of a ridiculous thing to just proclaim since Hernandez is exactly one Hispanic man and not, say, 800 million. But I digress. Hernandez says some other stuff about how he came back to America to beat up white people because he feels unappreciated, and while I’ve railed against this sort of thing before, I just can’t afford this segment anything other than a sad shake of the head. It is SO forced, and SO ridiculously over the top that even the crowd hardly bothers to boo it.

They fight a little after that. The minority wins. Or the majority. Somebody wins. It isn’t the viewers.

Segment 10 – Matt Hardy Unveils A New Nickname.

Cewsh: Admit it, when you read that you had your facepalm locked and loaded right off the bat, didn’t you?

Matt Hardy, or “Cold Blood” Matt Hardy as he would like to be referred to as now, wants you to know that “Cold Blood” is something that society forced him into. He was buried by WWE because his brother was such a fuck up and it made him cold blooded. Towards WWE, naturally, not his brother who did it. He Whose Plasma Is Chilly regards Rob Van Dam as nothing more than a stepping stone on his path to somewhere. He’s not clear on where, but he’d really like to be there.

 Segment 11 – “(Stone) Cold Blood” Matt Hardy vs. Rob Vam D(Sp)am.

Cewsh: Here are some things to consider about Matt Hardy these days if you haven’t seen him in awhile. Firstly, he’s in the best physical shape of his entire life according to him, and he certainly looks like it as he’s ripped to the gills. Secondly, he has really awesome entrance music. Thirdly, and finally, he seems to have something seriously wrong with his knees, as at every turn in every match he has, he never bends them at all for any reason. He stays stiff legged all the time and often just leans forward precariously to punch people or deliver moves, like if they don’t come to him he’ll just fall over out of helplessness. As you might imagine, this hampers his matches, and its no different here as he attempts to keep up with the forever young Rob Van Dam, and winds up just looking stiff and old.

Now that’s not to say that the match sucks, because it doesn’t. Hardy covers his clear issues the best he can, and RVD is good at moving around and taking attention off of any opponent’s weakness. They wrestle an even competitive match for a good long time until the ends rushes up all off a sudden and cuts things off anticlimactically. Still though, with the limitations and recent performances of these two, this match should have been worse, and it’s a credit to both of them that it was as good as it was.

71 out of 100.

Senor Vicio: Matt Hardy está empezando a parecer que está en muy buena forma. Y no sólo MattHardy buena forma. Buena forma legítima. Se está perdiendo una gran parte del vientrey los brazos son un aspecto muy agradable.

Este partido fue realmente muy bueno. He disfrutado mucho hasta el final, que fue muydecepcionante. No me dolió mucho, aunque en general.

Rob Van Dam Over Matt Hardy Following The Five Star Frog Splash.
Segment 12 – Bubba Ray Tries To Rape Christy Hemme.
She Seems Thrilled.

Cewsh: Just wonderful. Really. Well done, TNA.

Segment 13 – Street Fight – Bully (Available On All Consoles) Ray vs. (Oh) Brother Devon.

Cewsh: If you’ve been paying attention to TNA recently you know that Team 3D recently announced their impending retirement and then totally said psyche to all of us when Brother Ray turned on Devon and donned the new title of “Bully” Ray. Ever since he has been living up to his name and heeling it up all over town, including spitting on Devon’s two sons as they sat at ringside. As a result, a match was scheduled, at Ray’s request, to pit Devon and both of his sons against Ray in a Street Fight. Devon agreed, but earlier tonight he got cold feet about putting his kids in danger, so he expressly forbade them from getting involved. That’s going to be important later, kids.

This match starts off like any other street fight really. Lots of punching is done, and weapons get involved. You know, the usual. But what elevates this match from the very beginning is, firstly, the degree to which Bully Ray is heeling it up here, which may be heelier than any heel who has ever heeled at any point ever. He riles the normally docile Impact Zone up so bad that people are calling for his blood. Which brings me to the second thing that elevates this match, which is that Devon is out for blood and never lets up in his aggression against his former partner, like so many lesser wrestlers do in these heated situations. As a result we have a great, intense brawl with great heat from the crowd, but this is only the sprig of parsley on the plate for what is to come.

Eventually Devon gets the upper hand and has things well in control when his two sons come down to cheer on their dad. This distracts Devon long enough for Ray to waffle Devon with a chair. Devon’s sons get involved then, and together they all give Ray the WASSUUUUUUUUUP and in a cute moment his sons call for their dad to get the tables. Ray cuts Devon off, though, and then handcuffs him to the turnbuckle, leaving Devon totally helpless and in serious trouble. His sons loyally run back in to try to help their dad escape, but they have no idea what they’re dealing with in Bully Ray, as the deranged Ray beats both of them down viciously from behind. Now it is important to realize at this point that Devon’s sons were an announced and accepted part of this match. The reason Devon wanted them to stay away is because otherwise they would be a formal part of the proceedings, but now that they’re here they are absolute fair game for Ray and now Devon is forced to look on helpless as his former best friend in the world stalks his young sons like prey.

The eldest son, Terrell, puts forth a valiant effort in fighting back, but eventually Bully Ray buries him with a stiff boot and covers him for the win. But Ray isn’t done, and as Devon screams and begs for Ray to spare his kids, Bully Ray comes over to taunt him and raises a chair to bash his brains in, but instead stops, looks to the kids and gets a huge smile on his face. He grabs Devon’s youngest son, drags him over to the table and sets him up for a powerbomb. Then he looks Devon straight in the eye and says “You’re weak. They never should have kicked out of 3D.”

“This Is All Your Fault.”

Then Devon looks on in horror as Bubba absolutely cannons his son through the table landing him right on his neck in front of his father. Then Ray leaves, smiling wide and Devon collapses in a heap on his son with tears streaming down his face, broken and defeated.

Wow.

That was one of the most emotional endings to a wrestling match I have seen in a long, long time. The tears from Devon, the helplessness of the sons, and the out of control insanity of Ray all combined into something really special, and the icing on all of it was those words “They never should have kicked out of 3D” meaning that this was all begun when the Machine Guns kicked out of the unstoppable 3D in Team 3D’s retirement match. Its such a small little detail, and one that didn’t even require any further elaboration or explanation. But it, like this ending, was pitch perfect.

Believe it or not, and I certainly couldn’t, Team 3D just stole this show.

88 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Senor Vicio: Santo mierda todo acerca de este partido fue impresionante. Esto fue muy divertido, bueno y muy emocional al final. Bully Ray es un villano magnífico, y me encontrédejándonos arrastrar hacia toda la situación de D-Von, quien hizo un trabajo realmente fantástico. En serio, esto fue realmente bueno. Me impactó mucho por todo. Bravo,TNA.

Bully Ray Over The Devons Following A Big Boot.

Segment 14 – Jeff Jarrett IS Really Sure He’s Going To Win.

Cewsh: Like, really, really, really sure. Its good to be confident.

Kurt Angle is backstage talking about this match also, and he seems less sure and, rightfully so, way more interested in gaining custody of his kids and getting this over with.

Kurt’s the sane one? Everything comes full circle eventually, doesn’t it?

Segment 15 – Custody Of Children vs. Forced Vow Renewal Accompaniment Match – Kurt (We’re Doing What Now) Angle vs. Jeff (Slapnut) Jarrett.

Cewsh: I could take this time to delve into what a disaster this storyline has really been. I could discuss my thoughts on involving small children in a messy divorce angle while they’re actually dealing with a real life messy divorce between the same people. I could even lay some thoughts down on this crack addled stipulation that makes no sense and detracts from what could otherwise be an exciting match.

I could, but I wont because fuck it.

These guys have themselves a strong, back and forth, competitive match that reminded me instantly of their better match from a few years ago where the heel/face roles were reversed. These guys have good chemistry and its on display here as they go back and forth having a damn good time, and do more to sell their storyline than weeks of ridiculous angles and plot points. When Jarrett wins out of nowhere with a rollup reversal, Angle sits staring off into space, shocked at his loss and what it will mean for him, as Jarrett stares at him in an almost obsessive way. Finally Angle takes his shoes off and leaves them in the ring (which Taz tells us means that a wrestler is done for good), and that closes the door on this chapter of the feud, leaving us in high suspense for when Kurt will half to walk Karen down the aisle for her zzzzZZzzzZZzzzZzZZzzzZZzzZZZzz

79 out of 100.

Senor Vicio: Si esto fuera en cualquier otra parte del mundo, este partido hubiera sido mucho mejor.Se luchó muy bien y había un montón de historia fantástica y el drama de aquí, pero losfans simplemente no les importa una mierda en la mayor parte de ella. ¿Por qué?Debido a que son malas personas.

Kurt Angle patadas de absolutamente todo y se niega a permitir que el dolor lo mejorde él, sólo para ser enrollada para la cuenta de tres fue brillante. Y es curioso cómodiferentes TNA es de la WWE. En el TNA, el héroe siempre se deja follar y pierdehorriblemente hasta que finalmente vengarse después a nadie le importa ya. En la WWE, el héroe siempre parece el triunfo hasta que nadie da una mierda cuando el talón se su momento. Si estas dos maneras de escribir de alguna manera se reunieronen el centro, podríamos tener un poco de televisión maldita multa.

Cewsh Note: takerson had a really rad Cewsh Reviews sign for this match too (a seal of approval sign no less), but it was never captured well on camera. But he deserves another shout out nonetheless.

Jeff Jarrett Over Kurt Angle Following A Fruit Rollup.

Segment 16 – Asshole Address.

Cewsh: Four score and about 5 minutes ago, Ken Anderson cut a promo about how he doesn’t like Justin Beiber. Somewhere in there he also suggests that he’s going to beat Jeff Hardy in his own signature match.

Am I the only one who is getting a little tired of Anderson’s whole babyface schtick?

Segment 17 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Ladder Match – Ken (Ken) Anderson © vs. Jeff (Antirice) Hardy.

Senor Vicio: El Mr. Anderson es tan mala suerte. Finalmente, consigue su gran oportunidad después de todas las lesiones y diversos reveses que ha tenido en su carrera y, a continuaciónel título viene de regreso de él, porque la fecha del adicto a las drogas de la corte fue aplazado una vez más.

Este fue un partido agradable. No era muy bueno como un número de partidos, otra escalera, pero hizo el trabajo con un poco convincente de mi cerebro se apague. Elfinal tuvo una buena idea en mente, aunque por desgracia, fue frustrado bastante mal.Las escaleras son demasiado inestables para el final del partido para hacerlo con seguridad estas cosas locas. Yo estaba aterrorizada por los dos durante los últimos 2minutos más o menos, teniendo en cuenta la forma de conciliar esas escaleras fueron.Por lo que necesitan para que le pongan escaleras o mantener uno o dos escaleras de reserva que no han sido destruidos para ser utilizado para el acabado.

Cewsh: Absolutely. I can’t say it any better than that.

When it comes to ladder matches, there are ultimately two kinds. The kind where the performers know the music and play it, and the kind where the performers innovate and make it their own. This was the former. This match could almost be broken down into a list of the moves performed without any need for more information because a sum of its moves is all it was. There was no emotion, no intensity, no selling, and no fun. It was like watching a slide show on the prototypical ladder match taught by your boring history professor. Well done or not, eventually its going to put you to sleep.

Jeff Hardy regains the title, by the way (SPOILER ALERT), meaning, I guess, that he’s not going to jail just yet.

One Small Step For Jeff, One Giant Leap For Drug Addicts.

The title pretty much belongs there right now, but you’ve gotta feel for Anderson a bit. Finally reaches the mountaintop because the champion is going to jail, only to have it yanked away because he isn’t.

Shows what your employers think of you.

75 out of 100.

Jeff Hardy Over Ken Anderson Following Retrieval Of The Title Belt.
————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: This is a show with a surprisingly high score from me. If you look at the individual match score, its pretty much solid down the line with one match I really enjoyed, but to read the reviews themselves indicates clearly that there are some serious problems afoot here handicapping all of these performers and keeping them from aspiring to even greater heights. That there were eight matches and only a Brother Devon vs. Bully Ray match escapes any level of scorn is a very, very, very bad sign.

So bask in the good score this month, TNA. If your performers ever slip up, your booking is going to send that score down the shitter where it belongs.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 73.25 out of 100.

 Senor Vice’s Spicy Score:

Senor Vicio: En general este fue un show muy sólido que me gustaba. Sí hubo algún “meh ” en este programa, pero era bastante inofensivo. Cuando TNA es TNA, tengo un buen ratomirando. Ellos tienen una tendencia a hacer las cosas mal ofensiva de vez en cuando,pero no había nada demasiado absurdo en este programa.


Senor Vicio’s Final Score: ???

Cewsh Note: One more shout out to takerson, who has to be considered the foremost Cewsh Reviews superfan in the world at this point for showing us off on an actual TNA PPV. Do you think you can top him? Get out there and show your Cewsh Reviews spirit and ingenuity, and there just might be something in it for you. Stay tuned.

Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our…err…unique review of Against All Odds. Next week (or this week, rather) we’ll be diving back in to the wonderful world of Shimmer, as we ramp up for the Cewsh Reviews Mega Jet Pack Vacation Fun Time at the end of this month with the crew heading to Chicago to see the new Shimmer tapings in person. So stay tuned for that, and in the meantime keep reading and be good to one another!