Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of the reviews so royal that they rumble, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat in store for you tonight as we kick of the exciting Road to Wrestlemania tonight with one of the most anticipated and prestigious shows of the year, WWE Royal Rumble 2011. Now if you’ve been reading Cewsh Reviews for any length of time ( and really, why would any other option be acceptable?) you know that we are huuuuuuge fans of the Royal Rumble, dating back to when we were little Cewshs. As a result, every year when this beloved event rolls around we roll out the red carpet in kind and give this bad boy the love and attention it deserves. We have a guest reviewer covering this year’s installment of what is possibly the biggest single match in the wrestling year, and he is that incorrigible Royal Rumble historian himself, Michael C. He is the Howard Finkel of our reviews, and with him dropping knowledge on you, dear readers, you wont miss a thing.
Any words, Michael?
MichaelC: Wow, I’m back in a Cewsh Review. I’d like to thank all my fans who cheered for my return. I don’t know how I’d have done it without [strike]me[/strike] you.
Cewsh: We are on the Road to Wrestlemania. For those of you unacquainted with the concept, this is the 3 months out of the year where every single employee of WWE busts their ass to make everything perfect. From the wrestling, to the booking, to the sets and to the production crew in charge of videos, they are consistently on point now more than ever, and here you have it. The video does a great job of making it look like there are roughly 8 billion likely contenders to win this match, even though odds are those 8 billion names are all John Cena. Will that prediction come true? I DON’T KNOOOOOOW.
Segment 2 – World Heavyweight Championship – Edge (of Despair) © vs. Dolph (Boy Toy) Ziggler.
Cewsh: We kick off the night with a World Heavyweight fucking Championship match, and one with backstory to burn. See, in recent months Vickie Guerrero has made Dolph Ziggler her beau and has led him to a long Intercontinental title reign, but when that well ran dry via Kofi Kingston’s foot, she snuck him into the title picture and got him this title match here. Which is even more interesting than it might be otherwise, because the champion he will be facing just so happens to be Vickie’s ex husband Edge. Much has naturally been made of this, and of Ziggler constantly embarrassing Edge through the weeks, and just when Edge thought he had things under control, Vickie went and banned the spear from this match, proclaiming that should Edge use it, he will be stripped of the World championship. So Edge is stripped of his primary weapon and has to fend off his ex wife and her new boyfriend from stealing his property. It could be settled in a ring or on Judge Judy, but luckily they chose ring.
These guys start off on a wild and fantastical adventure that involves Edge trying every goddamn move he knows (all of which seem to have the word “Edge” in the name) and Ziggler surprising everyone by not only putting up a good fight, but looking incredibly strong and resilient, putting the champ on his heels. Back and forth they go, as the crowd starts to get into the match and go nuts for both guys, but especially Dolph, whose selling is so on point, and whose moves are so damn good looking that the crowd spends half the match oohing and the other half aahing. The crowd is hot, and they only get hotter when the ref gets bumped and Vickie jumps onto the apron to interfere. She almost succeeds in distracting Edge into losing the title until KELLY KELLY of all people appears from nowhere and tackles Vickie to the ground. Then, seeing the ref and Vickie both down, Edge fires up, spears Ziggler half out of his boots to an enormous pop from the crowd. Then he stirs the ref, nails the fucking KILLSWITCH on Dolph and covers him for the 1…2…3.
Now I adore Edge, and I’ve been really high on Ziggler, but there’s no way I could have expected for them to deliver a match this damn good on this show. The hot crowd helped a ton, but they manufactured that heat and did a stellar job, and I have to say that its probably the most into a face Edge match I’ve ever seen any crowd ever. Ziggler, for his part, proved to me without a shadow of a doubt, that he is the best in ring performer (barring Bryan) of his generation in the WWE. His selling was incredible, his moves and timing were spot on, and the crowd eats up everything he does inside of the ring. Just look how me makes the notorious running hug look like an atomic explosion:
That guy has a future and a half, ladies and gentlemen. I can’t wait to see it.
85 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
MichaelC: For a Dolph Ziggler match, this wasn’t too bad. Don’t tell anyone I said that.
Cewsh: The Miz is backstage talking to a floating microphone and is absolutely indignant that throughout his title reign thus far, nobody has taken him seriously as a threat. That everyone is looking past him to Randy Orton as champion and…
Wait, this is the exact same storyline as Jericho vs. the Rock at the 2002 Royal Rumble. The indignant cheating champion, every contender taking it for granted that he’ll lose, the impassioned promo demanding respect. Why on earth didn’t that occur to me before?
The Jericho = Miz parallels just keep right on growing.
Segment 4 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – The (Cheese) Miz © w/ Alex (Pupcake) Riley vs. Randy (Dandy) Orton.
Cewsh: So Miz is, like, totally a jerk. And he’s been super duper mean to Randy. So Randy, naturally, would like to beat Miz up and steal his heavy shiny thing. For a few weeks this has pretty much been the backstory for lots of run in attacks from both guys, finally leading up to this.
Now the book on the Miz goes like this. Remember how I talked about Dolph Ziggler’s generation of WWE performers earlier? Well the Miz is the most clear cut guaranteed star of the bunch. When he won the title the press he got from genuine media outlets was actually a little bit staggering, and as such he’s already accelerated himself higher on the card in the past few months than anybody could have reasonably expected. He’s a great heel, very good on the microphone, and his character as champion is very compelling, that of a brash and athletic champiuon who is beatable on any given night but just eeks out a win every time. That’s all great. Here is what is not great about the Miz, though. The man is not fun to watch wrestle.
Maybe its that he’s going for a slow paced heelish style, or maybe its just that he hasn’t built up a range of over signature moves yet, but the Miz’s matches always seem to fall a bit flat, especially in the middle. Then we have Randy Orton, who could be accused of the very same thing, even though he’s naturally a bit better about it. Randy’s matches depend upon the fans being into them and a solid atmosphere being developed. If he gets it, his matches are great and nobody is better at drawing out tension and popping the fans with a glance. If he doesn’t…well then you get matches like this. Matches where not only notable thing happens whatsoever between the two until the Nexus runs in and CM Punk costs Randy the title via a knee to the face, setting up a feud between Orton and Punk that will thankfully separate Miz and Orton for awhile.
It wasn’t a bad match or anything, but it just didn’t work as a main event feud, and I’m chalking these two up on the “Bad Chemistry” list. No more of them together, please.
73 out of 100.
MichaelC: YES! Punk speeds up the coming of the rumble! Who doesn’t love that man?
Cewsh: Cody Rhodes is backstage with his back to the camera, as Todd Grisham interviews him. That might seem ridiculous indeed, but the interview he gives is anything but, as Cody proceeds to deliver the best promo of his career about how Rey Mysterio savagely and callously used his knee brace the maim Cody’s face and now he refuses to be seen in public, even to enter the Royal Rumble. The premise is silly, but the deliver is ice cold as Rhodes is dead serious about all of this.
I can’t wait to see where this goes, and what kind of character Cody gleams from this. All I know is that this promo showed a glimmer of something I wasn’t aware Cody Rhodes had access to. More please. Much, much more.
Segment 6 – WWE Divas Championship – (Naughty) Natalya © vs. Eve(n More Attractive Than I Remembered) vs. Laycool (Yes, Both of Them).
Cewsh: Welp, this was GOING to be a match between Natalya and both member of Laycool for the title, but instead it is announced that someone new was going to be part of the match unexpectedly. Immediately the word “Kong” reverberates off the tongue of everyone watching and we all crane our necks in anticipation to see…Eve.
The four proceed to have a solid, but forgettable match together to silence from the crowd, and as I watch Eve do her thing it occurs to me just what is so off putting about her matches. She’s a beautiful and athletic woman, no doubt, and her moves, when viewed in a bubble, are surprisingly crisp and well performed. But the reason that doesn’t add up to her being a quality performer overall is that she never seems to have any idea where her opponent is going to be when she performs the move, and seems to have no concept of transitioning from move to move. Add that together and you get a person who dedicatedly practices moves day in and day out, but is nonetheless completely inexperienced at actually being in the ring with another person in a match. But hey, at least that speaks to her work ethic. Of course when she hits her moonsault on Layla and covers her for the win (as McCool, unseen by the ref, covers Natalya), she becomes the top female wrestler in the world in stature, and that shines the light on her issues wayyyyy more.
Poor Eve, not only does she come out to general befuddlement and lack of interest trying her best, but after winning the damn title she is greeted with a deafening confused silence from a crowd that had otherwise been hot all night. I don’t know what the deal was here with this, but this segment unfortunately just fell flat, and if they didn’t expect it to, they were silly faces.
63 out of 100.
MichaelC: Best thing about this match was it finished. Shame about the finish, though.
Cewsh: Daniel Bryan and Gail Kim are backstage talking about how the Bella Twins went insane when they found out that Daniel Bryan actually had a girlfriend (meaning Gail, naturally) after they had spent months basically throwing themselves at him. Gail basically tells them to step off of her man and the Bellas proceed to walk in, talk some trash, and jump Gail, causing an enormous catfight that Bryan and staff struggle to separate.
Now I just want to say this right now. If this angle results in the Bella bringing in Kong to murder Gail, this is one of the best angles of the year. If it results in just about anything else…well then I don’t care, because I’m just glad the Gail is on my screen again.
MichaelC: So Daniel Bryan is being interviewed about how it is his first time in a Royal Rumble match. Then the Bellas come along to get another weeks pay cheque, say some mean things about Gail Kim (Bryan’s girlfriend, for those not paying attention) and all the women kind of start cat fighting, with Bryan knocked over in the middle.
Some fans might have hated this, but Bryan is my hero. He’s socially awkward, a bit of a goof and doesn’t deal with situations well. Just like me. Possibly just like Cewsh, though he may deny that.
Yet get him in the ring and he’ll just kick your head right off of your head. Ahem. It’d be just like me, if I’d got round to the kicking people’s heads in part. It’s the WWE’s “Nerds Are Sexy” agenda.
(MandyC: Nerds ARE sexy.)
Cewsh: Alright, here’s how this is going to work boys and girls. I’m going to document each entrance and elimination. Our comments are going to work chronologically, because none of us were masochistic enough to play by play document the Royal Rumble match, but neither did we want to just summarize and leave things out. So basically the comments are going to go chronologically. The entrances and eliminations will bookmark the comments, so you’ll know what happened in what order. Everyone clear on that? No? Well then figure it out. It’s not goddamn rocket science. Also, and I think this should be basic knowledge, there isn’t actually any way to “spoiler” the Royal Rumble. Anything I talk about at any point will be a spoiler for something else.
So just consider this your overall SPOILER ALERT. Alright? Do not read any further if you don’t want the Rumble spoiled for you.
MichaelC: BY THE NUMBERS PROMO! I love this video. It gets you right pumped up for the rumble. Here’s some facts they missed:
– #14 is not a cursed number in the rumble. #3 probably is, though, in a kayfabe and not an “Oh, Bulldog died 11 years later” sense.
– The longest rumble time ever is Hornswoggle, who was never officially eliminated from the 2008 rumble until 2011, and so holds the record for longevity with 3 years, a few days and numerous hours and minutes. It’ll be a hell of a time to beat.
– Ricky Steamboat and Scott Hall were never in the Royal Rumble match. The Iron Sheik was, under his memorable persona of Colonel Mustafa. Oh yes.
– The first Royal Rumble in 1988 was so full of terrible competitors, that Jake the Snake lasts nearly 30 minutes. That’s right, people so weak they couldn’t take advantage of the often known “Jake is rubbish at battle royal type matches” scenario.
– You can’t do Royal Rumble mode in WCW Mayhem or WCW vs NWO World Tour.
We get the rules. It didn’t take an hour. I assume this is because Fink is retired.
MicahelC: Punk is first, and has terrible odds to win, but if this means lots of CM Punk throughout the match, I doubt any of us can complain. Punk looks at the WrestleMania sign, and don’t be surprised here, but I suspect he’ll be going there regardless of tonight.
Who is the man who drew number 2?
The Corre’s dreadful music hits, and Big Zeke and Wade Barrett come to the ring, as Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater appear through the crowd. They beat the hell out of Punk, allowing the New Nexus to rush down to the ring as fast as Mason Ryan’s legs will let him, and we have a donnybrook, until the Laptop goes off.
The GM orders everyone but Punk away. They’ve jumped the gun. If they don’t leave, they’ll be DQ’d from the Rumble in what I will refer to as The Finlay Rule. What’s clearly happened is Wade’s seen Punk come out alone as number 1 and thought, “We can get him here!” All the “Oh my gods they’ve ruined the rumble” comments did seem a bit premature.
So Nexus and the Corre leave us, and once again…. Who is the man who drew number 2?
Cewsh: DANIEL BRYAN AND CM PUNK. Holy shit! It will never stop weirding me out that I watched these two as baby Ring of Honor guys just a few years ago.
MichaelC: Ride of the Valkyries plays. They might as well announce through a tannoy: “We apologize for that flashback to the 1997 gang wars and Savio Vega, here, have 90 seconds of FUCKING AWESOMENESS!”
I might like this starting pair.
They have a nice exchange which gets the crowd going, and we get dual chants for both men.
Michael Cole: I’m still trying to figure out how Daniel Bryan got a girlfriend.
MandyC: Ahem, nerds are sexy.[/quote]
We have some nice elimination teases and Bryan takes control with a missile crossbody thing, then charges a corner, but Punk drops out of the way, and Bryan lands on his own head. Ouch.
Cewsh: I am giddy as a schoolgirl right now.
MichaelC: Gabriel has unlucky number 3!
MichaelC Factoid: Butch Reed, Papa Shango, Bob Backlund, Fake Razor, Gogla, Tom Brandi, Headbanger Mosh, Big Bossman, Daniel Puder, Simon Dean, Santino Marella have all come in from this number and all been the first man out. Of course, Ric Flair won from #3, but there’s the exception that proves the rule.
Cewsh: I think that Gabriel is obviously the smart pick to win it all. He’s my pick for sure. An absolute lock!
MichaelC: Gabriel punches the hell out of Punk, and then kicks him for a bit. Gabriel is on the apron as Punk and Bryan knock each other down. The crowd cheers so Gabriel thinks “Oh why not” and goes for his 450 Splash. Unfortunately, for him, the only person that hits the inanimate mat and having thus winded himself, Daniel Bryan back suplexes Gabriel over the top rope and out of the match.
Cewsh: Wait! I take it back! Daniel Bryan, Daniel Bryan is my pick!
Number 3 takes another victim!
MichaelC: “Oh radio, tell me when I’m going to go…” I’d give it a few weeks mate. Zack Ryder announced on Twitter that he was winning the Royal Rumble. Has he Lex Luger’d himself? I have my doubts. Ryder kicks Bryan’s head in, as if he knows he has 50 seconds to make an impact and wants to use them all!
Cewsh: Honestly, everyone in the room where I was watching this popped huge for Zach Ryder. I think its clear that the guy has Hogan like potential.
Matt Striker: Many Rhode Islanders made the trip up to see Zack Ryder…
MandyC: Did they all fit in the same Volkswagen?
Cewsh: Well there are only like 8 people who live there.
MichaelC: Ryder comes off the ropes at Bryan, Bryan flips him up in the air, and Ryder comes crashing down with the Rough Ryder on Punk. Ok, that was pretty cool. Ryder then charges Bryan and is tossed. He OMG’d himself!
MichaelC Factoid: To OMG oneself: to take tribute to the late great One Man Gang and charge an opponent at the ropes, only for said opponent to drop the shoulder and for you to dive over the top rope unexpectedly. Watch any Battle Royal – you’d be surprised at the number of people who OMG themselves.
Daniel Bryan is only 9 eliminations from Kane’s record!
Cewsh: Sad face.
MichaelC: HOLY HELL! YES! Regal’s here! Regal and Punk and Bryan! He gets a nice cheer too, hopefully that’ll get him on RAW more often? Regal suplexes the hell out of Bryan and Punk and gets a “Regal” chant! Regal knocks Punk out completely with a big kick. Then he and Bryan go at it! Regal helped train Bryan, now they are uppercutting the hell out of each other in a Royal Rumble match.
Punk kicks Regals head off! OUCH!
Then Bryan kicks Punk head off! OUCH!
Then Bryan kicks Regals head off again! OUCH!
Awesome start to the rumble here.
Cewsh: I have to say that this start to the Rumble is one of the best I’ve ever seen. Everybody entering is awesome and does awesome things, and Bryan and Regal continue their off the charts chemistry here, going crazy stiff on each other.
Could this be any better?
Cewsh: …well it certainly could get worse.
MichaelC: So of course, we needed a bit of a downer. DiBiase comes in and has a flashback showdown with Bryan. DiBiase gets a chance to look decent, which he hasn’t had in some time, it has to be said.
Cewsh: Ted Dibiase is so far from credible or interesting at this point that he would have to brave wild adventures and perilous quests just to refind the path to interesting. So regardless of what he does here, nobody really cares. Anything else going on?
MichaelC: Bryan is kicking the hell out of Regal.
Cewsh: Yeeeeeah. That’s more like it.
Cewsh: Morrison! Parkour all up in your face.
MichaelC: It’s d1 and OMG’s pick to win the Rumble match, and Mandy’s favorite wrestler.
MandyC: Hubba hubba.
MichaelC: I hate Morrison. No connection, obviously. He hits some nice moves on folk, then Regal knocks him out of the match……
Cewsh: John Morrison proceeds to fly off the ring apron, grab the fucking barricade and hang on like fucking spiderman, and then almost casually jump on top of it, walk to the end and then leap to the stairs without every touching the floor, easy as pie.
Take that one in, because that move is going to be in highlight packages until we’re all old and gray.
MichaelC: ….HOLY SHIT. Ok, now I’ve seen everything.
MichaelC: Regal is tossed in this time, and Morrison takes time out from his showing off to kick Regal in the face. That Morrison spot could have been so easily fucked up. Amazing.
MichaelC: YOSHI! YES! He’s got no chance of winning, but I am glad to see him! He kicks the hell out of DiBiase, and why not. Some great talent in there…and DiBiase.
Cewsh: Hey, WWE. We ‘ve had our fun in the past and that’s fine. But if you don’t start fucking pushing Yoshitatsu, we’re going to have words.
Cewsh: Husky Harris is out next, and I’m telling you, this guy has a special quality to him. It takes a rare man to be fat, ugly, with bad tattoos, and yet immediately draw the eye in a positive way. Charisma pours off of him like, and this is especially relevant here, butter.
MichaelC: I like Husky Harris too, so the talent just keeps on coming. Husky protects Punk and gives him an accidental stink face. Husky then works on Morrison, allowing Punk to sneak up behind Bryan and suplex him.
Cewsh: Only in the Rumble do I have to qualify that.
MichaelC: CHAVO? CHAVO GUERRERO? He lives! I haven’t seen him since he jobbed to Hornswoggle every week about three years ago. Chavo keeps going for the three amigos, and people keep interrupting, so he tries for the move on them, and finally he hits them, and gets a MASSIVE cheer. Like proper MASSIVE. Probably the biggest cheer I’ve heard for Chavo Guerrero in about 6 years. So that was nice.
MichaelC: THREAT TO WIN! The crowd has popped big for everyone so far except DiBiase. Mark Henry and Yoshi are tag partners, they could clear the ring here. Chavo dives at Mark Henry in a really stupid move, and gets slammed to the outside.
MichaelC: Well, it was nice seeing you again, Chavo. Come back in three years. Yoshi then goes after his large tag team partner, and eats a clothesline to the floor. Nooooo! Not Yoshi!
Cewsh: Goddamit WWE. I meant push him up the card, not out of the ring in 8 seconds.
MichaelC: JTG! YES! He’s going to win the Rumble. I’ve picked JTG, DH Smith and Primo to win the rumble.
Cewsh: We are doomed to disappointment and failure forever, aren’t we?
MichaelC: JTG comes out to absolute silence….oh dear. He runs after everyone, and the crowd don’t care. Poor JTG. 15 minutes for Punk and Bryan so far.
Lots of near eliminations.
MichaelC: Mr Perfect’s son. Sadly with none of the perfection…or adequacy. He runs in and tosses JTG. But he was my pick! Bugger.
Ted Dibiase (Jr.) Has Been Eliminated By Husky Harris.
MichaelC: The ring has filled with people however. You know, if the Nexus 3 could work together….
Cewsh: CHRIS MASTERS! I change my pick, Chris Masters I going all the way baby!
MichaelC: Chris Masters comes out in the “doomed number 14” spot, which apparently means he’ll be dead inside a decade or fired inside a year. Lucky we don’t believe in curses, eh?
Masters nearly gets Punk out with his Masterlock. Perfect Jr. saves Punk though.
MichaelC: Ah, I think everyone else could be in trouble here, if the Nexus work together. And Punk orders him in, so they might well do.
Three men attack Daniel Bryan and Punk tosses him after an impressive 21 minutes. Otunga, Husky and Punk then toss Chris Masters.
Chris Masters Has Been Eliminated By The Nexus.
Cewsh: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why do I pick Masters every year? He always disappoints me.
MichaelC: The four Nexus men get Morrison on the apron and he fights off the elimination for what seems an eon before they manage to eliminate him.
MichaelC: Now it’s Mark Henry vs. the entire Nexus, and after a Husky avalanche winds the big man, all four men easily toss Mark Henry.
Cewsh: You know, every year they go on about how these big heavy guys have the advantage and every year some average sized guy wins. I’m calling official bullshit on the whole theory.
Royal Rumble Entrant #16 – Tyler Rekks
Cewsh: Oh man, he has to deal with all of Nexus. I wonder how he’ll…
Cewsh: Oh. Fair enough.
MichaelC: He runs into the ring, and all three Nexus men attack Reks as Punk watches. A few kicks, and Reks is gone. Nexus are dominating the ring.
Cewsh: I have to be honest, this is one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen in a Rumble. The New Nexus isn’t just controlling the ring, they look totally unstoppable.
Random fan: This isn’t what the rumble’s meant to be about. Why have a faction never done this before?
MichaelC: Probably because no faction has ever been led by something as smart as CM Punk before. D’uh! The four man kneel waiting for their next victim in a great shot.
MichaelC: Kozlov charges the ring but the numbers are too much and he gets tossed, though he did get a big boot on Punk in.
CM Punk: It’s Clobbering Time.
It certainly is.
Punk sits down in full Maharishi Yogi pose, basking in his disciples and his brilliance. This man is easily the greatest thing in the WWE.
MichaelC: Memo to R-Truth. You’ve just seen Kozlov and Reks, two men much bigger than you, fail against four men here. Don’t run into the ring. Do a Bossman from 2000 and wait outside for the next entran….oh he’s run into the ring, got beaten up, and is out again. Do people never learn?
Cewsh: This is why you are our official Royal Rumble historian. If we don’t teach wrestlers the past, they are doomed to repeat it.
MichaelC: Punk turns to the camera as he goes for his corner knee/bulldog to go “WHATS UP?” Ahahaha.
Cewsh: Nothing was apparently up.
MichaelC: See, Truth, look who yer back up would be if you’d done a Bossman? KHALI IS BACK! YES!
As Khali’s only fan on Rajah, I applaud our gentle Indian friend’s return to the WWE. He immediately tosses Husky Harris, and goes to work on the rest of the Nexus.
Cewsh: Uh oh…
MichaelC: The Nexus are in trouble.
MichaelC : OH, it’s the shit one. He comes in and tosses Khali easily.
Imagine being Mason Ryan.
“Look, mate, you’re too shite to do dark matches, so what we want is for you to attack our biggest star on live tv, then debut in a royal rumble match, ok?”
Jammy fucking sod. Ryan makes Khali look graceful, ffs!
Cewsh: In fairness though, good god is that man ripped to shreds. I know I’m part of the problem when I pop for big muscleheads with no obvious talent, but I don’t care. I love the big meatheads. Go Ryan!
MichaelC: Another well booked rumble appearance for Khali.
Cewsh: Holy shittttttttt! With extra Ts! Booker has come back to WWE, and he’s in amazing shape and proceeds to thrash everyone to within an inch of their miserable lives. A Spinarooni later and the crowd is going nuts.
MichaelC: The roof has exploded! BOOKA! He’s back! He rushes in and hits all of his trademark moves!
Then he gets tossed. Oh well, nice to see you again, Booker. Cool moment though.
Hang on, I don’t even like Booker T. The Rumble does strange things to me.
Cewsh: An elimination later and the fans are fucking pissed. What could possibly make up for this?
Cewsh: Ooooooh snap. Business is about to exceed current levels!
MichaelC: SUPER CENA ARRIVES. He rushes the ring, does a few moves, and tosses Mason Ryan (thank god!), then double clotheslines Otunga and Perfect Jr. It’s down to Punk and Cena.
MichaelC Factoid: Mason Ryan got OMG’d.
Cewsh: They never learn.
Cewsh: Cena eliminates all of Nexus in about 8 seconds and then lays a beatdown all over CM Punk’s face.
Cewsh : Wait…what?
MichaelC: Uhm, ok. The crowd love it though, and I’m sure the kids at home love it too.
MichaelC: Punk gets tossed, then Cena and the midget smile a bit.
36 minutes for Punk though.
Cewsh: Tyson Kidd is out next to take on the super dream team of Superman and a Leprechaun and he does about as well as you’d expect in those circumstances. He gets obliterated by Cena and then Hornswaggle gives him the fucking Attitude Adjustment, which must be quite a feat when you weigh 80 pounds.
I have to admit that I’m rolling on the floor laughing at how great this is, but I’m not so sure Kidd will agree.
MichaelC: Good luck in your future endeavors, mate. Cena tosses Kidd.
Cewsh: This is probably a bad time, Heath. You should try back later.
MichaelC: Slater comes in, gets beaten up. Tossed. You know, I’m sure there are fans overjoyed the midget and their hero John Cena are working together here. It’s not going to last long, so hey, I’m cool with it. I don’t like either, but I do believe in the Mick Foley 3 ring circus idea about a wrestling show, and this is the section not aimed at me. The local kids probably loved it as much as I loved Regal/Bryan/Punk. That’s cool.
I’ll enjoy someone killing the midget in a few minutes. Come on Sheamus!
Cewsh: How great would it be for Finlay to show up and just drag him out by the ear for being naughty and up past his bedtime? Again, though, poor Slater this time.
MichaelC: I don’t believe Slater’s job is in jeopardy. He’s the fall guy of the Corre, this is what he does. It’s not like he got beat up by a midget…
MichaelC: The fans go nuts for Kofi, and he gets pyro, so he’s staying in for a while.
Cewsh: I also go nuts when Kofi comes out. But for entirely different reasons.
MichaelC: The midget doesn’t want to attack Kofi because they are mates, and Cena and Kofi have a showdown….
CENA RESPECTS KOFI!
The Kofi Kingston putdown of the night can come from the Cewshs. We love the mad Ghanian here. He and Cena go at it, and I’m reminded, by Striker, that these two have never fought. It’d be an interesting match for sure.
Cewsh: Here is the Kofi Kingston Putdown of the Night: Kofi Kingston is so dull, that he and the Invisible Wrestler had a match and nobody could tell which was which. He’s so worthless that he tried to sell himself for sex and got paid to stop. And his gimmick is so bad that Egotistico Fantastico could give him some pointers.
Thank you. I’ll be here all week.
MichaelC: SWAGGA! The All American American American! He could win this. He won Money in the Bank after all. Admittedly, I’m probably the one Swagger fan who will read this.
Swagger > Kofi > Cena > Midget. For those wondering.
Cewsh: That is a hellish list of sadness and woe.
Swagger comes in and proceeds to not do much of anything at all. But hey, at least he made it past the one minute mark.
MichaelC: Getting a bit tired of the midget now. He’s not even doing anything.
Cewsh: He’s being very short. Its strenuous.
MichaelC: Swagger says “He’s going to WrestleMania”. Someone get him a ticket!
MichaelC: YES! Watching live every number from Slater on I was calling for Sheamus.
Cewsh: If there is a wrestling fan on the planet who does not like Sheamus, then they are leading sad lives bereft of meaning. Sheamus is the man.
MichaelC: Sheamus comes in and kills everyone, then especially kills the midget after a surprising reshowing for Sweet Shin Music.
We do however see a midget getting kicked in the head.
You know, there are certain forms of shaddenfreude which can only be cured momentarily by seeing a children’s favorite kicked in the head. So excuse me one second….
I feel better.
MichaelC : Hornswoggle is now eliminated, by the way.
Sheamus celebrates and waves bye to the midget. Sheamus is AWESOME.
MichaelC : OH GOD! BLOODY REY! Hopefully Cody interferes, or he breaks the Santino record.
MandyC: Lose one midget, get another.
Cewsh: Harsh but fair.
MichaelC: Swagger is on the apron, and a 619 sends him out…already? Jeez, his stock has fallen.
Cewsh: Sorry Mikey, his stock was never that high to begin with.
MichaelC: WADE! A fighting Englishman. The Rumble is taking on a British subtext here. Wade kicks and punches everyone. Wade hits the BOSSMAN SLAM on CENA AND I MARK THE FUCK OUT!
Cewsh: You know, everyone else in the world knows that move as the Black Hole Slam from TNA. Leave it to you to keep the Boss Man name circulating.
MichaelC: I miss Bossman.
Cewsh : Out next is…Dolph Ziggler? I smell shenanigans. Viiiiiickiiiiie. You got some ‘splanin to do!
MichaelC: What? Oh god. What’s he doing here? I thought him being in the title match would keep him out of my rumble, ffs.
Someone toss Dolph FFS. Ahahaha he got no reaction coming out. Clearly I’m not the only one who thinks little of him. He got no reaction coming out for the title match either. I love Boston. He beats up Sheamus. Yeah, that wouldn’t happen if he was fresh, Ziggler.
The Rumble does funny things but if it makes me cheer on Ziggler it will be an unreal feat.
Cewsh: Don’t mind him, he’s just mad that every time anybody sees Dolph Ziggler they say…
MandyC: Sometimes he looks like Mr Perfect…
Cewsh: BIG DADDY COOL! HOLY FUCKING CREPES!
MichaelC: Ashhhshhdhsahdioshsdisaaiosidsisifdihfifi! HShsd! Suhfdh! Holy hell, it’s fucking Diesel! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssss! And listen to that reaction. This might be the greatest thing in the history of ever: fucking Diesel is back!
Cewsh: The returning Kevin Nash comes and proceeds to get the biggest pop of the year as the fans go absolutely batshit for him. He’s wearing the old gear with his hair dyed black, and he looks like a murder machine.
GO GET ‘EM KEVIN
MichaelC: Man, I love Nash. I can’t even pretend to be unbiased here. Diesel in the WWE again is beyond awesome. He beats up everyone, and this is just brilliant. It’s Diesel!
MichaelC: YES! It’s Drew McIntyre! He could win this, and do all of Scotland proud. He even gets sort of a cheer coming down, showing the fans are finally wising up and realising he is brilliant. He goes right after Diesel, and joins forces with Sheamus to beat up Big Daddy Cool.
Sheamus and Drew exchange a knowing look and continue to beat on Diesel. They’re a team! It’s the Celtic Connection! Drew and Sheamus then work on Kofi.
Cewsh: Take note, WWE. Shaemus and Drew are absolutely natural together. That’s a team that should absolutely happen.
MichaelC: Rey gets a 619 on Diesel and gets BOOED for it. Fantastic. Kill Rey!
Cewsh: The Miz’s music hits and I immediately get pissed because I think every fucking person who already wrestled is coming out, but luckily its Alex Riley instead, so I can go ahead and not worry about number 34 winning any Royal Rumbles this year.
MichaelC: It’s A-Ri, and MICHAEL COLE GOES ABSOLUTELY NUTS! Miz goes on commentary as Diesel misses a big boot, saddles on the top rope, and Wade Barrett tosses him. The crowd aren’t happy.
Cewsh : NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
MichaelC: Diesel’s gone…*cries Well, at least we’ll always have this moment…
*reads up on Wrestleview…
He’s signed a contract? YESSSSSSS!!!!!
If you are wondering about Alex Riley, he gets beaten up by Cena.
Cewsh: I really don’t think anyone was wondering.
MichaelC: Big Show and Diesel have a stare down at the entrance. OH MY! SHIT’S GONNA BREAK DOWN….at some point.
Michael Cole’s bickering with Matt Striker is starting to grate. Drew and Sheamus taunt the Big Show to come in, and immediately go to work on him. Wade Barrett, Sheamus and Drew McIntyre join forces to try and take down the Big Show. I feel like I’ve walked into a bad joke.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman try to take down a giant… It is nice to see the UK’s talent in the WWE increasing though. We invented pro-wrestling, you know.
Cewsh: And the liquor I am currently hardlining.
MichaelC: Big Show gets to toss Dolph Ziggler. Thank you Big Show. You rule!
Cewsh: Its nice that somebody big actually got to do SOMETHING in this match. I swear, Hornswaggle has looked like more of a threat than the Super Heavyweights thus far.
MichaelC: You might miss this, but from the countdown to thirty six, from about 10 to 5, there is a MAJOR FUCK UP. Cena and Kofi are doing an elimination tease with Alex Riley, and get him over the top rope. He lands on the apron, then slips and falls right off the apron to the floor. Both Kofi and Cena are like “Oh bugger!”, the nearest referee goes absolutely ballistic, and someone runs backstage to find out what happens next. In other words, Riley has managed to balls up and eliminate himself earlier than planned.
Cewsh: A BIG GUY IS DOING SOMETHING.
MichaelC: BIG ZEKE! He’s gonna come right down there and fuck peoples shit up!
The Big Show Has Been Eliminated By Ezekiel Jackson.
MichaelC : And he easily tosses the Big Show! But not before Big Show tossed Drew McIntyre, the only Scot in this match.
Boo to the Big Show.
Zeke then clotheslines folk. Zeke and Wade celebrate.
MichaelC: Santino runs in, breaks his record, and tries to attack Zeke but gets clothesline out of the ring. Oh well. In the Rajah draw, Santino was my man as well at #37.
Miz: You’ll see Alex Riley is being very smart here…uh, where is he?
AHahahahahaha. Riley gone fucked up, Miz! He’s long gone!
MichaelC: He gets the big long introduction from Ricardo, and takes so long to get to the ring the countdown starts.
Cewsh: This man has so much charisma that it is actually melting my screen. Not to mention that he has the best entrance in the business. He’s going to be a wildly enormous star, but tonight’s not his night.
MichaelC: Miz takes his mic off for a bit…he’s clearly getting told how his bit is meant to go down now Riley fucked up.
MichaelC; But….Primo’s not been in yet. And Kane has to be next. I wanted Primo. I should add that Torn is utterly distraught here, as possibly the biggest Triple H mark in existence he had hoped Hunter was returning here.
Cewsh: I think we were all pretty certain that Triple H was coming, but now that I’m sure that he isn’t I’m really not sure how the rest of this is going to go. My every pick to win has washed out so far, so I’m pretty certain it’ll wind up being Cena. But hey, GO SHEAMUS.
MichaelC: Orton rushes Del Rio and clotheslines him on the outside before entering the ring. RKOs to everyone. Then Orton tosses out Kofi Kingston for old times sake, then boots out Sheamus!
Sheamus Has Been Eliminated By Randy Orton.
Cewsh: Yay! I mean boo! I mean yay! Conflicted!
MichaelC: Nooo! Not Sheamus.
Cewsh: Everybody goes apeshit on each other and when the smoke clears only Cena and Orton are left standing in the middle of the ring for a big intense staredown…which is met with complete apathy and silence from the audience.
Holy shit, this may be the most damning reaction I have heard in years. They try their very best to get the crowd into it, but the fans just do not give a shit at all.
Poor WWE. There goes that idea.
MichaelC: That staredown got….the JTG treatment. The crowd couldn’t care less. Amazing!
Cewsh: Kane comes out to make his usual plucky attempt at losing the Rumble as impressively as possible.
MichaelC: He needs to toss 4 men to break the all time record. He immediately gets Zeke out when Zeke OMG’d himself.
MichaelC: Then Rey tosses Kane. WTF!
Cewsh: Wow, not even bothering with Kane this year! Sheesh!
MichaelC: Then Wade tosses Rey. Thank god.
Cewsh: And with that, Wade Barrett becomes my new pick to win the Royal Rumble. Just because.
MichaelC: Cena and Orton face down again, and I’d get a bigger response if the main event of WrestleMania was announced as me vs. Cewsh in a sit down chat. You can hear crickets in Wisconsin FFS!
Cewsh: Hey, we would blow the roof off of that sucker.
MichaelC: Cena hits AA on Del Rio, then Riley is back! Riley gets punched allowing Miz to toss Cena out of the match to a huge pop! And this is Cena’s reaction in his hometown?
Cewsh: What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?!
I was 100% convinced Cena was winning this thing. Now I genuinely have no idea, and we a re a lock for Cena/Miz at Wrestlemania. All of a sudden I am on the edge of my goddamn seat. Go Wade!
MichaelC: Cena’s not winning the rumble! The two obvious picks, Cena and Punk, are gone! The dark horse Morrison is gone.
Alberto Del Rio
Cewsh: Oh hey, Santino is still here, that’s right. Maybe he’ll pull a Maven and just disappear.
MichaelC: Ah well, come on Wade! It’s Orton’s though, isn’t it?
Cewsh: FUCK. Well I guess Randy is winning then. Makes no sense tho…
What the hell, Alberto Del Rio just won the Royal Rumble!!! Who in the fuck could have predicted this?!
MichaelC: OMG! DEL RIO WINS THE RUMBLE! AMAZING!
Never saw that coming.
Hang on, the match isn’t over? Someone’s still left? Santino crawls into the ring. He’s not out? Santino staggers to his feet. Del Rio doesn’t see him.
Cewsh: Wait. No way…no way…no way this happens…
MichaelC: SANTINO’S STILL IN IT! He motions for the Cobra! OMG! OMG!
Del Rio turns and….COBRA to the biggest noise of the night. Santino’s going to win the rumble. HOLY SHIT!
Cewsh: NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY
MichaelC: Santino celebrates like a loon, then goes to toss Del Rio, but Del Rio reverses at the last second and its Santino who goes flying over the top rope….
Cewsh: HOLY SHIT Alberto turns it around on Santino and uses his momentum to eliminate him. ALBERTO DEL RIO HAS FUCKING WON THE FUCKING ROYAL FUCKING RUMBLE.
MichaelC: Del Rio wins the Rumble again!
I can’t believe I’m upset that Santino Marella JUST missed out on winning the Royal Rumble match. What the hell kind of thing am I watching?
Cewsh: If you had told me 3 hours ago that I would be on the edge of my seat and an anxious mess over Santino and Alberto Del Rio being the final two I would have scoffed so loudly it would have dislodged my jaw. But holy god, that may have been one of the tensest moments in Rumble history.
MichaelC: Fantastic swerve. I really honest to god thought Santino was going to win it there. Santino is massively over, push that man!
Del Rio’s win is surprising to say the least, but its a good man for an up and comer, and a surprise.
Cewsh: Whew, what a Royal Rumble. The added 10 guys didn’t even really occur to me as I was watching it, because they paced everything so that it flowed so beautifully all the way through. In fact, I have nothing bad to say about this Rumble at all. They highlighted a bunch of guys, set up a ton of potential feuds, had comedy, stable wars, great wrestling, and crazy spots, not to mention a completely unpredictable ending (which I think is beyond awesome).
When I think of a great Royal Rumble, this fits the bill down to the letter.
MichaelC: So to sum up. We had smarky wonderfulness with Punk/Bryan/Regal. We had a kiddy friendly bit. We had massive surprise entrants. We had a shock winner. We had a tease of the greatest of underdog wins. We had against the odds performances and factions working together. And even a few cases of Royal Rumble idiocy. And a crowd who pop louder for Chavo and Yoshi than they do an Orton/Cena staredown.
Truly, this was the Rumble for all seasons.
Cewsh: Its really rather difficult to sum up a show that only really had 3 matches and one enormous spectacle. The matches prior to the Rumble match were, perhaps here more so than usual, basically sprigs of parsley on the Rumble entrée. But what we got there was not too shabby at all (especially the surprisingly great Edge/Ziggler) and then there’s the immensely satisfying Rumble match which is going to send me off into the night with a big grin on my face as I look towards the bright lights of Wrestlemania.
We’re on that road now, baby. Can you feel it?
Alright, that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the gala spectacle that was the Royal Rumble, and we equally hope that you will be excited for the equally (or maybe not) grand occasion of next week’s TNA Against All Odds 2011 PPV. How will the departure of Fortune affect the balance of power in TNA? Will Ken Anderson be able to retain his title against the odds (lol)? Will Abyss wrestle? Only one way to find out. Until then, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another.