Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the thingiest thing of the thing, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, and for once I well and truly mean it, as we saddle on up for the second biggest wrestling show of the year, TNA’s Bound For Glory 2010! Now there are a lot of big wrestling shows during the course of the year. Hell WWE has 4 that could be said to be bigger than anything else in the wrestling world, and NJPW would surely have a ballot to cast in the “second biggest show of the year” sweepstakes. But for my money I look to TNA, the second biggest promotion in America, and the company that seems constantly on the cusp of a major breakthrough (or miserable failure, depending on the day). So we are here to honor them at their biggest show, and in order to do so we have assembled a motley crew of seasoned reviewing professionals.
We have Vice, recently off of a stint in a Vietnamese prison camp. What was he learning there? Unstoppable techniques! Ms. Cewsh, on the other hand, is a deadly assassin trained by the government to mercy kill any and all examples of sexism, chauvinism, or ugly shoes. Then we have Matthew, the wildcard. He’s a burly fighter from the great state of New York who is looking for a rumble or a good time, whichever his fists find first. At the core of the whole thing is me, Cewsh, the dashing ringleader. And together we’re going to show Bound For Glory how we do things around these parts. So stand back, civilians. We’re trained professionals. In fact, we’re the A-Team.
The B-Team consists of my cat and a blow up doll we found in the woods.
Cewsh: Deep voiced narrator guy isn’t getting a paycheck this month.
When TNA does Bound For Glory videos, its like a yearly test of how epic they can possibly make a video before they become a mockery of themselves. They always straddle that line brilliantly, and here they pursue it by simply removing any words from it until the very end. The video is comprised of significant looks, action packed sequences, memorable moments, and, for some reason, Rob Van Dam posing in his underwear on top of a mountain. It may not work to hype the actual matches on this show, but it does work quite well for hyping the event as a whole as something that is significant and very serious.
And frankly they should keep Kevin Nash around just to make menacing looks at the camera in the rain. That one look is more intimidating than anything Abyss has ever done or will ever do.
Segment 2 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – The Motor(boating Will Be $10 Extra) City Machine Guns © vs. (A Few) Generation(s Too Young To Be Convincing Heels) Me.
Cewsh: The story here centers around the fact that Generation Me, who are all of 250 pounds total soaking wet, have turned heel out of nowhere and proclaimed that everything is now all about them and they deserve the tag team titles. The Machine Guns mocked them for this, as is their way, and Generation Me responded by spiking Alex Shelley’s head onto the floor, injuring him. Then Generation Me mocked and beat up Chris Sabin for weeks until Shelley finally returned and now they’re here to settle things.
Now let me say this. Generation Me, especially Max, are trying really, really, really, really hard to be good heels. They try all sorts of heely mannerisms and they mock and belittle the Guns, but the trouble is that the Machine Guns are bigger, faster, strong, and have more experience than Generation Me. So it’s kind of like John Cena being the underdog. Your mind kind of rejects the idea of these two adorable, scrawny kids as heels. But still, they are trying really hard, and it’s to their credit.
The match starts off fast and furious as the Guns beat Gen Me all around the ring and ringside area, taking advantage of every opportunity to mess them around, before Gen Me finally slows things down with some heelish working over of the good guys. They stay in control for awhile and then both teams go nuts again with more crazy tag team moves. Now this is the sweetspot. Gen Me and The Machine Guns are so, so smooth and work together so flawlessly that it’s like they were made for each other. The two teams have the kind of chemistry that promoters dream of, and they exploit every inch of it here, with crazy move after crazy move only topping themselves, and putting in an official bid to take this show home with them. If ever there was a belt that TNA might actually NEED, these two make a strong case for a Jr. Tag Team division to be it.
These guys just totally go all out and start busting out moves I had never even considered. A Death Sentence 450 on the ropes? Sabin springing up off of Jeremy’s back, leaping to the ropes and giving Max a flipping German suplex? Shit was just bonkers man, I can’t even begin to describe it to you properly. In the end, the Machine Guns hit the Skull and Bones flying crossbody/neckbreaker for the win, and everybody can finally take a breath for the first time.
This match was nuts. If anything, it was maybe a little too nuts, because there’s nothing on this show that is going to stand a chance at matching it for excitement. They completely dispensed with the story altogether and just gave us, as Taz called it, an air show. So I’m torn between it being crazy exciting, and it being a meaningless spotfest. I think I’m coming down mostly on the side of the former, but only just. There’s one other thing I want to say too. Why aren’t these matches main events in TNA? This is what their fans want to see more than anything else. What could these two teams do with the prestige of a main event slot on a PPV? What would TNA have to lose?
Just a thought.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard commentators run their mouths about how a certain team is on the same page, and how well they work together. With so many teams, it’s just a crock of nonsense. The Guns, though? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a team that works so fluidly together and knows what the other one is thinking at all times. They just work together so amazingly. It’s seriously to the point where if one is about to blow a spot, the other one knows it and is already in the process of covering the mistake up and making it look like that was the plan all along. It’s just fascinating to watch. Generation Me is very similar, which is one of the reasons that I honestly believe I could watch these two teams go at it every week for as long as I’m a fan of wrestling, and never get sick of them. Sure the matches are a bit more on the spotty side of things and don’t tell epic novel-length stories in the ring, but the battles they’ve had are hypnotically fun to watch, and I generally have a hard time not yelling “OOOHHHHH!!!!” at my screen 10 times every match.
So yeah, this match was fucking AWESOME. Two TEAMS going at it, using a bajillion double team moves and putting on one of the craziest, most entertaining opening matches I’ve seen in a long ass time. TNA is generally so very good at kicking off a show with a ton of energy and excitement, and matches like this are what gets the job done so perfectly. In this case, it was such a good match and such a magnificent way to start the show that I almost feel like it was a mistake putting this on first. If any match on the show is better than this, I will shave my beard. This isn’t being topped.
Ms.Cewsh: Oh sweet merciful cupcakes, why the hell am I here? I haven’t watched TNA since the last review I did. There’s a reason. Still, my contract dictates that I review Bound for Glories, so review it I shall. But I’m making sad eyes.
The Guns are fabulous, but they’re such bad faces. SO BAD. The only thing worse is watching Scrawny 1 and Scrawny 2 try to be heels. Why would you do this?!
The match is a super entertaining spotfest with a ton of top rope work and some great double team moves, especially from the Bucks. In fact, the Bucks come out looking absolutely terrific, if terribly miscast. The Fireman’s Carry into the 450 into the…whatever the hell that was, was phenomenal looking.
I always have a but, don’t I? But, there is no story told and everyone involved should have been DQd about 12 times over. That’s a problem for me when my suspension of disbelief is already spread thin. Plus, I don’t think it was a very good opener. The crowd started off kind of muddled and then got really hot for the Guns. They’re just going to die during the next match, because this will steal the undercard.
79 out of 100
Matthew: I am coming into this expecting some flips and some awesome shit. i wasn’t let down. These guys both have great double team moved. Loved the backbreaker/neckbreaker combo by the Bucks. So simple yet so devestating looking. MCMG had an epic stunner/slam type move. Epicness.
Here is the problem though: Generation ME just can’t pull off the heel look. They have these young baby faces, and it seems their angry faces look just like their happy faces. You know what, these guys need a manager. There is only one guy I’d approve of:
Cewsh: Madison Rayne and Tara are backstage with Christy Hemme, and they rip on Christy for dying her hair, even though Madison has now changed her hair, disappointingly, to brown. Don’t get me wrong, I love me a sassy brunette, but she doesn’t stand out as much as she once did. She does, however, attempt to make up for this by loudly yelling about how Tara is indebted to her and how everyone else is a skank and ugly. Which is fair, I guess, because if I had to be around Tara all day, I’d take a pretty dim view of humanity in general too. OH.
Ms.Cewsh: … … …No. No to Tara’s botox. No to Madison’s haircut. No to skank and bitch and pig. NO.
Segment 4 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Angelina (Is The Champion? Really?) Love © vs. Velvet (Highlight Of The Night) Sky vs. Madison (I’D Love You More If You Yelled Less) Rayne and Tara(ble. Yep, Still) w/ Special Referee Mickie (Hardcore Country) James.
Cewsh: Okay, let me sum up this awful nonsense as quickly as possible. The Beautiful People brought in Madison Rayne. She become an ego filled monster and struck out her own as Knockout Champion. Along the way she retired Tara in a match. Then Tara came back as a masked motorcyclist, and helped Madison win matches (note, Madison hasn’t won a match since). Then these four feuded over the rights to the Beautiful People music, and now here they all are having a match. Not a TAG match. A fourway. This was decreed by the new Knockouts GM, Miss Tessmacher, and she also named the newly acquired Mickie James the special referee of this match, continuing a long standing Bound For Glory tradition of having special referees/enforcers (Tito Ortiz, Kevin Nash, etc.)
Now dear reader, consider me optimistic, but I believe you to be an individual of discerning taste and judgement. So you can already tell, no doubt, that this is not a good match before it ever starts. Of the performers actively wrestling, you have one good heel (who is a face), one good character worker (who does no character work), one overrated has been (who is presented as a sexy youth), and one complete package (who spends the least amount of time in the match of all of them). You can strive to guess who is who, but in the end, does it matter? They do their thing back and forth for awhile before Tara out of nowhere rolls up Velvet and wins the title. Madison is upset about this and winds up shoving Mickie, and Mickie knocks her the fuck out for her trouble, and the ladies all call it a night.
After so many months of telling you how much of a train wreck this all is, do you really need me to tell you again? These matches are perpetually the worst part of these shows. I’m only sorry that this time Madison didn’t get to do enough to save it.
Also, What The Hell Happened To Mickie’s Face?
49 out of 100.
Matthew: Unlike Vice, I enjoyed whatsherface (Madison Rayne) since the beginning. By enjoyed, I mean I rocked some hefty wood. She still doesn’t touch Velvet for me though. Oh yea, these women wrestle too. Oh yea, Mickie James is there too. I’d hit up that Arby’s Drive-Thru 5 times a day if I could. Oh yea, these women wrestle too, I keep forgetting. Rayne is a great heel right now, and I feel it says something that Tara is the worst character in this match. I am usually all for the, “womens’ wrestling pissbreak,” but these characters interest me. Who am I kidding? I just want Velvet to lock me in her octopus-stretch thing. BONER.
Ms.Cewsh: So I had the end of this match spoiled, again, (seriously, DivaDirt, could you pick a social network to spoil shit on and stick to it? I don’t expect to get title changes broadcast on my TUMBLR,) but that’s fine because God this is a trainwreck.
The story is a trainwreck. The hype video? Trainwreck. The fact that one of the FACES uttered the phrase “dyke on a bike”? Offensive and trainwreck. I’m glad they’re spending the Knockouts paychecks on reality stars, because the faster the division dies out, the faster we can go back to remembering the good ol’ days.
Oh, the match was terrible, just an endless parade of *do move* *turn around into move* *person who did move to you, turn around into move* *repeat*. Mickie added nothing and was a terrible ref. And Tazz can die in a fire.
27 out of 100
Vice: Mickie James has way, way too much energy. Fucking hell.
Have you ever wanted to see what Velvet Sky’s vagina looks like?
So we altered it.
Yes. Yes That’ll Do.
I actually thought this match wasn’t too bad. One of the things I enjoyed most was the very beginning of it. Madison and Angelina were the first two in the ring together, and Madison basically says she wants nothing to do with this shit at the moment, so she tags Velvet in. This makes sense. Tag out and let The Beautiful People fight each other down so you can pick up the scraps later. It works, and Velvet and Angelina give each other a high five and start going at it. It was nothing brutal or fancy, but they had a nice little competitive wrestling between friends. There was a lot of interesting dynamics in here with it being a fourway match between two tag teams. It wasn’t a great match by any means, but it was interesting enough for me not to mind it, and having MADISON and Velvet in the ring never hurts.
Ending was a bit sloppy, but it worked well enough. I fell in love with Madison all over again when she was peeking into the ring after the match, and how furious she became.
Duh duh. Duh duh. Dun dun dun dun…
She is so adorable, yet so terrifying.
Cewsh: Eric Young is backstage and he is covered with tattoos that he drew on himself. This is because Eric Young has gone totally insane since taking a nasty bump to the head recently, and now he thinks that Orlando Jordan looks to him as a kind of father figure. Which is funny, because if Orlando Jordan looks to Eric Young as a father figure, it’s in the Geroge Michael song way, and not any other. Then Orlando comes out wearing a fancy blouse and demands that Eric join him for the match tonight.
There’s Is So Much Oddness Here, I Don’t Know Where To Begin.
I should probably not like this, but seriously, anything that makes Eric Young not be serious Eric Young AND gives me Orlando Jordan on PPV is getting thumbs up so high you would need the Hubble telescope to find the end of them (that’s right ladies).
Cewsh: The story here, such as it is, is that Orlando Jordan has found himself saddled with an addled Eric Young. Eric has kept Orlando from doing anything bad, much to Orlando’s dismay, but Orlando seems to be slowly falling for the big lug, which is completely going over Eric’s head. Where do Ink Inc fit into this? They weren’t doing anything else. Seems fair.
The gist of this match is that Eric Young is wacky and unpredictable, and Orlando is trying his best to tolerate it, while Ink Inc just sort of does their thing as background noise. Eventually Eric Young just decides he’s on the other team, beats up Orlando Jordan, and Ink Inc wins. I don’t really know what to say about this, except for possessing a strong need to comfort Orlando in his time of need.
Eric Young Possesses The Same Need By The Looks Of Things.
I don’t know why this match was here, why this feud is happening, or what exactly it was that I just watched. But let me reiterate my pleasure at Orlando Jordan actually getting on the show. If Rob Terry had run in, this would get a 100.
64 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Yuck. Ink Inc. is terrible. OJ has good music and is apparently now Gaga. Who’re the faces?
49 out of 100
Vice: Eric Young’s character has improved a lot over the months. Even though he’s way past his expiration date in terms of being a valuable member of the roster, I’ll take knocked-downright-loopy Eric over roar-I’m-a-serious-villain Eric any day. He’s just a guy you can’t take seriously, so giving him a ridiculous character like this is the way to go. I think he’s playing too many characters at once though, which is the problem. He’s got the character development with OJ, he aligns himself with the other team, he’s happy-go-lucky, and he’s carrying around his homemade TNA Rulebook (does it say that LETHAL JUDO THROWS are illegal?) with him and making sure that no one cheats. I think it’s just too much, though somehow it does all come together in an endearing way, knowing he’s bonked his head stupid.
This would have made a fairly good Impact match or have been perfectly fine on another PPV, but this doesn’t seem like it should be on the biggest show of the year by any means. But still, can I complain at all that OJ is on said biggest show of the year? No, I can’t, because he’s awesome. In a tag division where everyone is just made for each other, it’s fairly refreshing to have an oddball “couple” like this.
Matthew: Not a huge fan of EY. Although he is playing his character well, it makes OJ look really stupid. Why team with this guy who is been knocked stupid and pretty much offers no help.
After the match OJ’s stupidity continues as he doesn’t go after his partner, and ends up looking slightly irritated.
It has to be said though TNA Rule Book > Book of Dilligaf
Matthew: Here we have a promo by Jeff Hardy. Now usually I would laugh at his amazing mic work, but here I am mesmerized by his nipple.
What were you thinking Jeff? “Oh this shirt is pretty dope, but you know what would be doper? My nipple popping out of it.” Lay off the drugs, Jeff. This is coming from Matthew.
Cewsh: I swear to Cookie Crisp, that man is becoming more like Goldust every day.
Segment 8 – TNA X Division Championship – Jay (Yawn) Lethal © vs. Doug (Yay!) Williams.
Vice: This was a solid match, but not spectacular by any means. Williams is sporting a new pair of tights, ditching the blue and white UK design for black with the Williams family crest. It makes him look much more generic, though it adds a very cool personal touch at the same time. So in the end there’s balance.
If there’s one amazing thing to say about this match, it’s the evolution of Williams and the story here. Williams outwrestled all the X-division guys and even started using a second rope jumping tornado DDT thing, a move more commonly used by the X-division guys, to basically rub it in their faces that he’s better than them. In this match, Lethal just wouldn’t die. Williams couldn’t put him away with his usual arsenal of holds and suplexes, so he takes it to the next level and attempts a hurricanrana off the top rope. Lethal, being Mr. X-division, counters this move that Williams hasn’t tested in battle before, and gets the 3-count. To me, this is just great storytelling and a huge nod to the past few months of his character. It ends the solid, and only solid, match on a good note and I’m curious to see where this goes next.
Cewsh: If you’ve been following these reviews (or even watching the shows, I suppose that’s an option too) you’re no doubt aware of the big push that Jay Lethal has gotten ever since he dropped the whole Black Machismo thing. He’s being pushed now as an everyman who is living the dream and the jury is still out on how well it is working for him, but now he’s the X Division champion, and Doug Williams (who’s own big push was halted in its tracks for no reason) is here trying to stop Lethal’s train of momentum. Doug Williams is also a member of Fortune (Fourtune?), which doesn’t really play in here, but it’s helpful to know.
These two are a study in opposites, even more so than Doug and most of the X Division. Lethal’s whole deal is flying around and being exciting, and Doug is all about slowing the pace down and dominating his opponents on the mat. In some cases a conflict of styles makes for a special match, but these two aren’t in that category. Things aren’t super awkward either, though, they’re just okay. With that said, they both try their best here to put on a match worthy of the occasion, and Doug sells like a pro for Lethal’s offense, and Lethal fires up like crazy at all times. The crowd isn’t really into Lethal’s offense, but they are into HIM, leading to them cheering for him while he’s doing nothing, and sitting on their hands when he does moves.
At the finish, Doug gets Jay up on the top rope and uncharacteristically goes for a super hurracanrana, which he hits, but then Lethal rolls through it and rolls him up for the pin in a fun and unexpected finish. Then Lethal goes to pose with the crowd, happy with his victory.
There was nothing wrong with this match. There wasn’t anything special about it either, but hey, baby steps.
70 out of 100.
Matthew: Doug Williams is awesome. Other foreigner heels should take note. Wanna know why he is great? THE HEAD WAGGLE. It makes people detest him. Wanna know who else it made you detest?
Like I said, take note, foreigner heels. When Joe turns heel, he needs to have a taped X on his stomach, and only be susceptible to a punch to his mug when he is really angry and barks.
Anyway, back to the match. really good back and forth, with Williams pulling out all the stops. He hit his Chaos Theory finisher thing, which is awesome, but it doesn’t keep lethal down. So what does he do? Take him to the top for a hurricarrana. By going a bit off his game, and doing something looked at as X-division (which he despises) it costs him when Lethal reversed it.
51 out of 100
Cewsh: As Jay lethal poses with the crowd, he is suddenly jumped from behind by Robbie, the new Jersey Shore guy, and he beats Lethal the fuck up and hits him with a Diamond Cutter, restoring the sanity in the world as once again someone in EVERY WRESTLING COMPANY IN THE WORLD now uses that move. I can only assume this will lead to a title match between the two, and I think we should all pop our collars in appreciation. Robbie also calls Lethal a disgrace to New Jersey, which is somewhat akin to calling OJ Simpson a disgrace to bankruptcy victims. We already know it’s bad, there’s no need to kick a man while he’s down.
We Have A Situation.
Matthew: Oh yea and The Shore arrived and took out Lethal after with an RKO. I would normally like this, but it was just a ‘meh’ for me.
Matthew: Opening promo is awesome with RVD talking about ‘What Ifs’ and the vignette having pieces play in reverse. It was simple, yet pretty cool.
Here you have your average MONSTER’S BALL match. The only thing I feel worth noting is the sick bump RVD took to the outside onto the barb wire. He then gets his eventual revenge.
Abyss doesn’t reveal THEY here like everyone thought he would. What’s going on here? Am I being tricked? Or am is something shifty going down later? Abyss’ promo post-match pretty much shown that he wasn’t ‘gone’ from TNA and he still has plans tonight. Yay I love surprises.
Oh Shit! Nexus Is They!
Ms.Cewsh: At least RVD is getting some good chanting.
Monster’s Ball is such a bad gimmick. Also, barbed wire stapled to a sheet of cardboard is not an impressive weapon and stupid as hell. Stop trying to make fetch happen, TNA.
RVD is actually super impressive in this match. He’s way more agile than I’ve seen in a long time and the Rolling Thunder over the top rope onto the table was really cool.
Of course the end features the stupid fucking bat with nails, fake internal bleeding, and Abyss acting less convincingly than a Matt Hardy promo.
63 out of 100
Vice: This was better than it had any right to be, even though it still wasn’t good. I was hoping that RVD would cut down on some of the theatrics and go for the jugular, playing off how serious he was on Impact and how this feud has gone. After months of teasing the use of Janice, Abyss’ nail-bat (the “worst weapon in the world because it can never be used”), RVD whacks Abyss right in the stomach with it and gets the victory. Decent spotty hardcore match, but considering how gruesome the last man standing match between Ric Flair and Mick Foley was on the Impact before this show, well, this just seemed like a PG version of it. Without the (former?) world class wrestlers involved.
Cewsh: Okay, okay, okay.
The backstory behind this match, first of all, is that Abyss has gone crazy. Again. This time he has begun toting around a stick with nails in it that he calls Janice, and he’s been ranting about “They” coming on 10/10/10, which is, you guessed it, tonight at Bound For Glory. Along the way RVD, who had to vacate the World Heavyweight Championship because TNA didn’t have him signed to enough dates for him to have a chance to lose it, got in Abyss’ way, so Abyss stabbed him with Janice (off screen) and put RVD out for awhile. Now RVD is back and wants revenge so bad that he convinced Eric Bischoff to keep from firing Abyss until AFTER this match. So now here they are, in a Monster’s Ball match to settle the score.
A technical marvel this is not. These guys go for the weapons early, and keep right up with the weapons until the end. RVD starts off in control with his patented chair kick into the turnbuckle, and even hits a rolling thunder over the top rope, putting Abyss through a table. Unfortunately he poses a little too much going for the Van Terminator, and Abyss pegs him in the face with a chair, sending RVD straight through a barbed wire table. Ouchies. After that it’s the Abyss show for a bit, but only a bit, before RVD counters and Van terminates a barbed wire table into Abyss’ face. THIS IS NOT THE FINISH. No, RVD goes for the Frog Splash instead, and Abyss gets right on up and wanders away. Because apparently the move that was so violent they fake banned it in ECW isn’t enough to keep Abyss off balance for FIVE FUCKING SECONDS.
Abyss goes and gets Janice, and swings and misses (naturally). So RVD picks it up, hits Abyss in the stomach with it as gently as possible causing Abyss to fake spit up blood and convulse. One Five Star Frog Splash later and this match is in the books.
Look, I really like RVD. He’s fun to watch, and he’s got the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand. But Abyss’ last quality match was so long ago it is lost to the mists of time, and this is a garbage wrestling match that made no sense. Finishers meant nothing, nobody sold anything at all INCLUDING THE FUCKING NAIL BAT, and the whole Janice thing comes off super, duper hokey. With all of that said, this was the best match these guys could have had. RVD does almost all of the offense, and Abyss just takes his ass beating and doesn’t derail anything until then end, which was silly, but which could have been worse. That’s the book on this match. It couldn’t have been better, but it damn sure could have been worse.
69 out of 100.
Cewsh: The backstory to this match reaches back over a decade, as at the center of it all is the distrust and rivalry between Hulk Hogan and Sting. Recently Sting went nuts and turned heel and has been all over Jeff Jarrett and Hulk Hogan’s asses about a conspiracy he believes them (and Eric Bischoff) to be a part of. Why he cares so much and why he believes this to be the case is beyond me, but they have recruited a bitter and scorned D’Angelo Dinero to their cause with their random brainwashing, and Jeff Jarrett has responded by somehow convincing Samoa Joe to fight on his team. This match was supposed to also feature Hulk Hogan on that team, but he’s out with a back injury. Or is he? We’ll see.
As the match starts, I immediately question the wisdom of starting off Samoa Joe as the face and letting him be the babyface in peril for half the match. You have a team with Jeff Jarrett and Samoa Joe and you let JOE be the guy who gets beaten up? Preposterous. Then, after Joe fights off all three men one at a time, he goes to tag Jeff Jarrett and…oh boy, here we go. Jeff hops down and walks up the ramp to the back.
Joe Handles This…Well.
Joe turns around into the waiting faces of his three opponents, and Nash says “I told you so” referring to the warning and offer of indoctrination Nash had made to Joe weeks ago. Joe, in turn, screams “Fuck the world” and goes on the attack, holding his own for several seconds before the three men beat him into oblivion. Then Nash calmly gets the tag, hits the Jacknife Powerbomb, and that’s all she wrote. And that’s all we get. No explanations, no answers. No nothing. Just more questions.
For what it was, this was a solid little match. It’s still hard to get used to Samoa Joe being booked as something other than a wrecking machine, and at times he looks positively vulnerable in this match, but it was fine and the angle at the end really deepened interest in what is going on. I have a bad feeling about it all around, but we’re just going to have to wait and find out.
72 out of 100.
Vice: Ok, this match wasn’t anything special at all. It was basically just here to provide an angle, which was Jeff Jarrett leaving Joe up against 3 people after convincing him to fight for the right cause, blahblahblah. Joe sold Jarrett’s treachery in a very realistic, great way. And then what followed was about 10 seconds of fucking AWESOME. Every time I’ve seen this type of angle, the face just stands there staring at his tag partner that left him and is jumped from behind, and brutally beaten. Not Joe. Joe turns around, stares all three of them down, flips the twin birds into the air and yells out “FUUUUCK THE WOOOORLD!!!!!” before charging all three of them. Sure he’s taken down like 5 seconds later, but still. It was a great moment that made Joe look like an absolute beast, and you just know that he’s going to take some faces when he gets the chance. It was pretty shit up until the final moments, but that one outburst pretty much made the match worth it and has made me very interested to see what Joe does in the upcoming weeks.
Ms.Cewsh: Mmmm Kevin.
The rest of this match is offensive to anyone with two brain cells to rub together. Joe and Dinero deserve so much better.
61 out of 100
Matthew: I could talk about the match, but I am not going to. I will just skip to the end. So Jeff Jarrett is an asshole? That means Nash/Sting were right all along. Does this mean a face turn for THE ICON (hate that name)? Does this mean Joe is very gullible? I am just confused by the booking. BUT THAT’S GOOD CAUSE IT WILL MAKE ME WATCH IMPACT. Yea, that’s right, I like being confused.
Cewsh: Ken Anderson is backstage and he apologizes to Kurt Angle’s family for the ass beating and retiring he is about to subject Kurt to in the main event. I’d say something about counting chickens before they hatch, but I’ve never actually tried counting chickens before or after hatching, so I feel unqualified in that.
Cewsh: Team 3D retired.
HOLY SHIT WHAT
Team 3D come out and say that they’re going to retire and they only want one more match before they leave. They want to face the Motor City Machine Guns for the titles. If the Guns win, then they get to say they retired Team 3D, and if Team 3D wins they get to retire triumphantly as champions. I was seriously surprised to hear that they’re actually retiring, but if they really put over the Guns or even just retire as champions and segway into full time training of wrestlers, then I’m totally okay with that. I hope they get to have one last great moment and then retire the right way. They deserve it and so do we.
Matthew: D-von never got the tables like everyone asked him too. What an dickhead.
They Meant The Catering Table.
Cewsh: This storyline started out months ago when Ric Flair took AJ Styles under wing. Then as time went on Flair acquired more talent into his group, eventually settling on Styles, Kazarian, beer Money, Morgan and Williams for his group (everyone but Wolfe, basically). Then the old ECW guys showed up on the scene and got their own PPV, which made the stable comprised of TNA guys and the anti-ECW Ric Flair pretty unhappy. So on the Impact after the PPV, when all of the ECW were gladhanding each other on a job well done, Fortune hit the ring and beat the ever loving Apple Jacks out of the lot of them, touching off a feud that has raged untamed for months, and will finally be settled here in the cage.
Okay, now here are the rules to a Lethal Lockdown match. One man from each team will start the match and wrestle for 5 minutes. Every 2 minutes after that a new member of one of the teams will enter, with one of the teams having the perpetual advantage of having their guys coming first (making a perpetual handicap match of sorts). In this case, that team is Fortune. Once all members of both teams are in the ring, the ceiling with weapons attached to it will lower over the ring and pinfalls and submissions will count. The first team to get a pinfall or submission on the other is the winner. Get it? Got it? Good.
We start off the match with Stevie Richards and Frankie Kazarian. The people who start these matches are usually workhorses who have the stamina to make it through the whole deal, and that describes these two quite well. Unlike other matches of this sort, all the members of both teams are surrounding the ring instead of waiting for their music to hit, so it gives the whole thing a more intense, heated vibe, I like it. Unfortunately so much is about to start going on that I’m going to have to resort to note format. Startiiiiiiiiiiiiing now.
– I didn’t notice before that all of the members of Fortune are wearing blue to match each other. That’s a really, really nice touch.
– Dreamer enters the match and starts doing offense that Tazz compares to the Great Muta, which is like saying that a high five feels like an orgasm. It’s untrue on every possible level.
– I just noticed that Raven and Dreamer are working together here. Was it ever explained how they put aside their differences from the ECW PPV a few months ago? No?
– Sabu knocks people over, and Tommy Dreamer gets on all fours so Sabu can run off of his back and do the Poetry in Motion deal. Except that Sabu doesn’t notice this and instead waits for Richards to get on all fours, does it on HIS turnbuckle as Dreamer yells “Hey Sabu, right here buddy!” Then, when Sabu notices, he does an uninspired move there too. Sorry Vice, it wasn’t the hair after all.
– Much is made of Ric Flair and Mick Foley being the captains of each teams, and choosing what order their troops enter in. They both choose their heaviest hitters (Matt Morgan and Rhino respectively) to go on last. Things are gonna get even nastier.
– There is barely enough room for the guys to move around in there now without tripping over each other, and it’s almost impossible to follow anything that is going on.
– At the point where Rhino comes into this, every member of EV 2.0 has been busted open, and no member of Fortune appears harmed at all. This all changes, of course, as Rhino proceeds to destroy the entire Fortune stable all by himself.
– People are just milling about now, waiting for something to happen, and getting out of the way of the other team to make room for spots.
– Kazarian gets thrown out of the cage door, and Kazarian decides to climb to the top. I have to say, objectively, that this means that the lock on the door in insufficient.
– BRIAN FUCKING KENDRICK appears out of nowhere in a black robe and uncovers himself, knocking over Kazarian’s ladder (on accident) and puts Kazarian through a table on top of the cage. Then he sits down and goes into a zen like trance, rocking back and forth. Dude was laying on the table up there with a black blanket on the WHOLE MATCH like fucking Saw.
THERE HE IS!
– Back inside the ring, Dreamer magically has Styles on his shoulders on the top rope and nails a top rope Dreamer Driver onto a chair that ends the match totally out of nowhere.
– 6 seconds after the match is over, they cut to an interview with Kurt Angle.
Holy Cinnamon Toast Crunch what a mess. The match was a mess, the production was a mess, the spots were a mess, and the ring was a mess at the end. They took a feud with real heat behind it, but it through the Lethal Lockdown machine, and unintentional comedy came out the other side. And to not even give us 10 fucking seconds to process what we saw before being bundled off to the next match was ridiculous and shitty.
Now, there were positives. I love Kendrick’s inclusion in the match, and AJ Styles is never not fun to watch. But this was just too much of everything, and nothing of substance came of it. What a horrible disappointment, and an epic letdown.
50 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Don’t we have a PPV built around these? Also, both of these stables are terrible and everyone involved in this should feel bad.
There are already way too many people in the match. Did we need Surprise!Kendrick?
Also, in a LOCKdown, shouldn’t the doors, you know, be closed? No? OK.
58 out 100
Matthew: Fortune are all wearing blue. That’s awesome, and SMART. Why SMART? Because these cage matches sometimes make it hard to discern who is who, but at least with a BLUE TEAM, you have a better idea.
This match started out decent, then shit went down. As soon as the top came down, everyone went apeshit. So apeshit, in fact, that it was pretty much impossible to keep up with. You have Foley/Flair on the outside tearing each other outside, 8 people inside the ring with weapons just flying about, and the 2 guys up top fighting. This match suffered from too much CHAOS. The finish looked good, though.
What is up with Brian Kendrick? Do you people think he was up there all night, or just for this match? When the top was lowered, I saw the blanket and knew something was up, but just though it was a million tacks. Anyway, after his botched table spot, he just sits and meditates. I don’t know why I liked this, but I did.
Vice: These matches are always ginormous clusterfucks, since they’re cramming 10 people into the cage in a massive 5 on 5 match that does not feature tags. Though on the plus side, it has the war games rules where it starts off with two people and only then does it become overcrowded. Here’s the thing though. On one team, you have a bunch of thoroughbreds in Styles, Morgan, Kazarian, Roode and Storm, and on the other.. well.. the match starts off with Stevie friggin’ Richards because he’s in by far the best shape out of everyone on the other team. Sure he’s in pretty damn good shape for his age, but still. Not a good sign.
Things pick up a bit towards the end, but it’s all fairly underwhelming. In a cool little moment, Brian Kendrick shows up on top of the cage, revealing that he was hiding under a blanket the whole time, and almost kills himself and Kazarian. It was a very dangerous looking spot as ladder on top of cage + whoops = very bad. Basic math, that. Thankfully no one died, and after a bit of improvisation, Kendrick meditates atop the cage. Something about this is just so wacky that I can’t help but absolutely adore it. Crazy bastard. Dreamer pins AJ for the win, which means that EV2 can fuck off now that they’ve gotten their revenge. And really, it doesn’t hurt Fortune at all.
And just because I don’t want to leave on that note. Remember how earlier in the review I asked if you’ve ever wanted to see what Velvet Sky’s vagina looks like? Well, have you ever wanted to see what Tommy Dreamer’s looks like?
Cewsh: But enough about me.
Kurt Angle is backstage and Christy wants to know about Angle’s proclamation about how he’ll retire if he loses. Angle is nonplussed, though, and guarantees his victory. And then he says the line that may well foreshadow his doom. “Hulk Hogan, this one’s for you.”
Uh oh, Kurt. There’s no way that might…nah. Not a chance.
Segment 15 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Jeff (Future Felon) Hardy vs. Kurt (Future Hall of Famer) Angle vs. Ken (Future Heel) Anderson.
Vice: I don’t even know where to start with this match. It’s a very fun, exciting triple threat match between 3 big names. I had a blast watching it as all 3 guys really went out to put on a good match. In typical TNA main event fashion, you know it has to end in a wacky way, and shit gets wacky when Bischoff comes out. And then Hogan. This was pretty groan-inducing since THEY had yet to be revealed, and Hogan and Bischoff were lead candidates towards the identity of THEY.. but nobody saw Hardy turning heel and joining them. Now you might say “that’s because it’s stupid, makes no sense, and they just wanted to shock everybody in typical TNA fashion”, and to that, I say…
Jeff Hardy has never done anything this extreme when it comes to his character and the roles he’s played. And seriously, this has all been building for a long time. Anderson and Angle had a ton of history in their little feud at the beginning of the year. They had some great matches, including my Better Than Michaels/Taker Wrestlemania match at Lockdown, which then led to Anderson turning face by aligning himself with Hardy, trying to be his good friend. We were all thinking there was no possible way that Anderson was actually face and that it was clearly just a silly ruse, and we all awaited the inevitable (and SHOCKING!) re-heel turn from Anderson. A month passed, and he was still face. Another month passed, and he was still a face. Everyone thought TNA dropped the ball and were dragging everything out way too long, and when Anderson finally made his move, nobody would care. He remained face. A month ago, a good number of people figured he’d go super heel in the main event of that PPV, but.. nothing. With everything that was going on with Hardy and Angle leading up to this show, it was thought that it was typical TNA, just throwing another person into the mix for the sake of it. Speaking of Angle..
His whole goal since he returned after Lockdown was to prove he was the best by rising up and beating all of the top 10 contenders to the title. That was derailed when RVD was killed by Abyss, forcing him to vacate the title and setting up a four man tournament for the belt—which would conclude at Bound for Glory. By this, it set up the threeway for the title. And everyone was saying how predictable and boring it’d be for Angle to win the title, because whenever someone bets their career on something (and aren’t being legitimately fired like Roxxy, or legitimately retiring like Michaels), they generally come out on top. Well, he didn’t win.
Now, Sting has been talking conspiracy theories with Nash and Pope, and nobody paid any real attention to him and basically just wrote him off. And the whole point behind his ramblings was that he was speaking the truth, and everything would make sense if you put it all together, and yet, nobody would ever think about it to figure it out, and instead would just want him to shut up and that would be very, very bad for everybody. Now, you could just ask “Well, why didn’t Sting simply tell everyone right off the bat if he knew it all?”, and I could see your point. Of course there’s the whole dramatic reveal of things that you have to have to tell the story. I mean, imagine if you were told within the first 10 minutes of the first Star Wars that Darth Vader was Luke’s father. Wouldn’t have the same impact, would it? No.
Then comes something that I’m not sure how many of you people can relate to, because unlike most of you, I’m actually quite fucked in the head. See, if you warn people about stuff right off the bat, they don’t learn. For instance, an electrified fence. If you say “WHOOOOOOA NOW! You don’t want to touch that, you’ll get electrocuted!”, you save them. But they don’t really learn anything, and they might give you a quick thanks, but that just isn’t very satisfying. And they simply will not understand the big picture—they just know not to fuck with electricity now. Again, that is not satisfaction, and your words mean nothing more than just pointing out the [what should be..] obvious. Now let’s say that you really want them to learn. Not just that an electrified fence is something you want to stay away from, but you want to teach the person about awareness. About impulse. About using their brain in general. You’ll tell them you want them to learn those things, but you won’t tell them how they’ll learn them or why they should. So when the time comes that he’s about to touch the fence, you don’t say a damn thing. You sit back, relax, kick up your legs and put your arms behind your head just as *BZZZZZZWWWRRAAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWIEEEEE*. That, my friends, is satisfaction. That person will learn their lesson—the full lesson you’ve been wanting them to learn. The lesson that can only be learned when it’s learned the very, very hard way. When your friend crawls over to you, you can crack a giant smile and say “See? Should’ve listened”, and they will hang on your every word from then on. You’ll probably receive an “asshole!” instead of a thank you, but the thank you isn’t what’s important.
Now obviously I’ve never been in this exact scenario, as I don’t live in Jurassic Park, but I do have experience in allowing people to learn the hard way. When my friends come to me for help and I tell them what they need to do, and they smile, nod, ignore it, and fuck up in the exact same way again over and over, then I take it to the next level and let them understand exactly what I was talking about. And yes, for the record, I’ve gotten Cewsh to back himself into his own little corner, and made him figure out my lesson. Same goes for Ms. Cewsh, and I don’t think she even knew it happened. I’ve done it with practically everyone I’ve ever had long term contact with. So yeah, I can completely relate to why ol’ Stinger didn’t just spill the beans and instead let all this shit happen. And while the “stable” they’ve formed has entirely too much of everybody but Hardy and possibly Bischoff, it’s still a pretty fucking brilliant how it all came together and how everything has been leading up to this for months and months. It’s so simple to say “wow this is shit LOLTNA”, but this is some of the deepest, most complex and utterly cool booking in quite some time. Everything was there in front of us, yet we all proved Sting’s point by not paying attention to him. And it amuses me to think that I kept saying that random angle or segment hasn’t been dropped or ___ and ___ are related so there’s more to it all, and that it will all pan out and turn into something, all while everyone told me to shut up. It’s all there, just like I said it’d be. So.. HOO HA.
It’s all fascinating in a way, despite how utterly overbooked and shoddily executed it was. I’ve never reeeeeaaaaaally found myself interested in Hardy over the years, but the second he turned heel, I was hooked. He played the part perfectly. His facial expressions, his mannerisms, everything was top notch. I think my favorite thing about it, which wasn’t “planned”, was his facepaint. Something about it was just so perfect. It was smeared off in the right places, it was smudged in the right places, it looked faded in the right places.. it just looked really badass.
As dumb as it may sound, his facepaint usually looks so jolly and artsy fartsy when he first comes out, and ends up looking messy and sloppy a few minutes later, where he just looks like a kindergartener painted his face by smearing paint all over it with their little hands. This just looked so great. And his new entrance music helped a ton. When he first came out to it, I thought it sounded stupid and boring. When he won the title and it played, it was just great.
Oh Hey, A Belt.
This angle could end horribly (well duh, it’s TNA), but right now I’m totally intrigued by this. I would also like to add that while I thought this was all pretty fascinating, I’m not forgiving TNA for what they’ve done building up to this. The worthless segments, the horribly executed stages of this, the long and poor matches, the interrupting and mutilating of good matches.
Cewsh: This match has been building ever since RVD had to vacate the championship do to injury and all that. So they set up a tournament two months ago, and well they still haven’t finished it. Dinero lost and got bitter so he joined Sting and Nash, but Angle and Hardy battled to a succession of draws that left no clear man to face Anderson in the final. So instead they made it into the triple threat that you see before you today, and have basically been waiting for it to get over with so they can have a champion for a few weeks now. And again, to reiterate, if Kurt Angle fails to win the title in any way, he says that he will retire. So there’s a lot on the line here. Let’s get to it.
The match was…a match. It delivered pretty much exactly what was expected of it. The three dudes here had themselves a fairly epic and very solid encounter, and every time Ken Anderson and Kurt Angle fought one another there was magic in the air, because they have chemistry together like nobody else in that company, and it made me wonder what Jeff Hardy was even doing in this match at all. But they go back and forth with Double Anklelocks, any number of German Suplexs and crazy move after crazy move that made the crowd, and me, happy.
That’s Right, Double Anklelocks.
But you’d have to be blind, deaf and dumb to think that the match here was going to be the real story.
Sure enough, towards the end as Angle and Anderson are down in the ring and Hardy is down on the outside, Eric Bischoff comes out with a chair, poised to hit Angle. Then Hulk Hogan comes out and foils him, even giving Bisch one of his crutches (he just had back surgery) so they could, conceivably, swordfight with them.
The Very Face Of Innocence.
Then Hardy gets in the ring to see what is going on and Hogan gives him the crutch so he squares off with Bischoff. He seems poised to smack the beejesus out of the old timer and he whirls and crushes Kurt Angle in the head with it instead! What?! Ken Anderson gets similar treatment from the other crutch and then turns around into a Twist of Fate. 1…2…3. We have a new champion? What the fuck? Immediately Abyss and Jeff Jarrett come out and everyone hugs and congratulates each other. RVD runs down and demands to know what in the fuck Jeff Hardy is doing, and gets a belt to the face from Hardy for his troubles.
They fooled us. They fooled ALL of us. They as much as told us straight out that they were going to replicate the scene from Bash at the Beach 96 where Hulk Hogan turned in in this very same arena and began the NOW. They made it so painfully obvious that anybody could see it coming, and indeed did. But what NOBODY saw coming, was Jeff hardy turning truly heel for the first time in his career and joining that insane group, solidifying himself as TNA’s top heel in the process. It was a move of unparalleled brilliance from TNA, as they hid the true finish in plain sight and blew the doors off with the biggest surprise of the year. Jeff Hardy is a heel, god help us. What the fuck does that mean for TNA?
85 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: Tazz has promised no tomfoolery. I can only pray that he’s not leading me astray.
The match isn’t bad by any stretch, it’s an Angle match, but it’s pretty bland. There are some sweet spots, but it’s all leading to the shenanigans. Tazz lied to me. I’m very disappointed.
So Bisch comes out with a chair and Hogan hobbles out on his crutches and they turn heel again in the same building the NWO was formed. If you didn’t see this coming, what program have you been watching? The interesting part is WHO they turn heel with.
I’m no fan of Jeff Hardy’s TNA run and I’m certainly no fan of putting the belt on a man who could go to jail in 12 days, (on the same day as an Impact taping, btw,) but I have to admit it was a surprise and it instantly made him 100 times more interesting. Hopefully Bisch will be his mouthpiece from now on.
Jarrett and Abyss run down and everyone hugs and dances about while some garbage is tossed in the ring. RVD runs down to plead with Jeff and gets clocked for his trouble. No mention of Angle’s retirement, as far as I know, although my copy did cut off rather abruptly.
All in all, I didn’t feel any power behind it. It felt like a publicity stunt, like “Look, look! We’re recreating something that was popular! That makes US! popular!” The Jeff turn has piqued my interest, and they might be able to do something with the theory that Hogan and Bisch took control from Dixie, but the rest I could take or leave.
76 out of 100
Matthew: Here we have another EPIC video package. What is so epic about it? No promos in it, just images. I like that shiz. Then, after a little thought, I realized THEY haven’t come yet. Well, right on cue, here comes Mr. Great Hair Eric Bischoff. BUT WAIT HOLY SHIT ITS HULK I THOUGHT HE WAS GONE GETTING CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN. What is going on here? HOGAN CAN GIVE US ANSWERS. Well he could, but he just gives up his crutches instead and completes his heel turn. Is he really hurt though? Or did he get Jeff Hardy to join THEM for the primo pills? Smart tactic, Hogan.
The Very Face Of A Drug Dealer.
Cewsh: This is a very different show before the last 10 minutes.
Up until then, this is a disappointment. A show that didn’t stand out from their usual PPV offerings in any significant way, and didn’t impress me in the least. I was all ready and set to slam the shit out of this show…until they dropped the bomb. Now my mind is buzzing with possibilities and questions that I’m going to be glued to my television to find the answer to. And no, I haven’t forgotten that making a drug addict currently being investigated on criminal charges is a bad idea, but they carried this off so brilliantly that I just can’t bring myself to care right now. Dixie Carter has been promising us an event that would change the face of TNA and the wrestling world for months now. Finally, finally, on their biggest stage of the year, all the promises came true. You did it TNA. You well and truly did it.
Now do it again.
Ms. Cewsh: I didn’t feel this show. Not even a little. I’m not a TNA fan, but I can usually find one good or entertaining match. The closest was the opening tag, and I had a lot of problems with that even. It wasn’t even bad, like we can find things to mock and laugh at. It was dull from top to bottom with a surprise that didn’t live up to the hype.
Matthew: I was entertained, and semi-intrigued where they go with this and if Dixie is going to get naked. As you seen, I did not give these matches any ratings. I give a FINAL GRADE, and that’s it. This gets a:
If there was a shit-hard test and I came home with a C+, I’d be satisfied, but not bragging to my parents and hanging the test on the fridge. So, what I am trying to say here is, I wouldn’t hang this PPV on my fridge.
Vice: Usually Bound for Glory wraps things up for the most part, and the following week starts a new chapter in TNA. I’ve always liked that, as it creates a fairly definitive “end” to their year. But this was very, very different. This just ripped everything wide open. The opening match was brilliant and the main event was great up until the overbooked nature of it, but the heel turn was fantastic. Everything else, wrestling-wise, was solid at best and far from spectacular. However, there’s so much going on here and so many questions that I can’t help but want to tune into Impact to see the fallout.
Will the Guns face 3D? What does GenMe do now? What’s going to happen between Madison and Tara, and how does Mickie fit into the mix? Abyss was supposedly fired, but since he’s with Hogan and Bischoff, is he safe? Is RVD going to go after Hardy since he got belted in the face by who he thought was his best friend? Is Sting and crew going to say they told us so, and what are they going to do? Is EV2 going to fuck off now? Is Joe going to fucking KILL EVERYTHING and become TNA’s biggest star? What’s Angle going to do, since he put his career on the line and got fucked over? What is Anderson going to do? What are THEY planning?
Shit. I’m quite curious.
So overall, this was a bit of a humdrum show considering all the hype, but it really did shake a lot of things up. Part of me is booing TNA, and the other part of me is saying huzzah.