Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment to the verily gilded Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as World Wrestling Entertainment lifts the gold curtain and rolls out the red velvet for a one of a kind event, the Night of Champions. This is the one night of the year where we are guaranteed to see every single title on the line, and not only that, but we have ourselves a unification match, a 6 pack challenge, and match theoretically being contested over the copyright to some fictional magical powers. Add into that a special attraction match that is very attractive (Punk says rawr), a United States championship match I would have kicked myself in the nuts for suggesting 5 years ago, and a tag team title gauntlet, and you’ve got the makings of a very special show. That is, if they can actually put it together. Will this show go down in a spectacular glittery ball of flames like last year’s, or will it realize it’s potential as we plunge on towards the Road to Wrestlemania? There’s only one way to find out.
Cewsh: Let me go on record as saying this here and now. For years and years there has always been an understood “big four” in WWE PPVs. Wrestlemania, Summerslam, the Royal Rumble and Survivor Series have always represented a level somehow above and beyond your average monthly PPV to one degree or another. They were presented as being greater, the atmosphere was better, the crowds were hotter, and the cards were more prestigious. They were the big shows. In recent years, though, Wrestlemania has pulled away from the other three, and Survivor Series has been on the verge of nonexistence, much less being prestigious. So right here and right now I am naming Night of Champions the new addition to the Big Four. All the title are on the line, the hype is great, the atmosphere is exciting, the set is incredible and it really feels like a very special event. And in keeping with that, we’ve got Vice and Ms. Cewsh both reviewing a WWE PPV tonight, so you know it MUST be important.
Vice: I saw this show and actually had some things to say, so here I am making a cameo for a WWE show I would normally not be anywhere near. Don’t expect full reviews, an overall score, awards, etc.. just typing some random thoughts. Very casual, baby.
Cewsh: The video just feeds into the revelry here, as they take the time to make sure you are wildly hyped for both World title matches and it works big time, with some of WWE’s best and most epic show music in years pumping in the background, these guys have me ready for war.
Cewsh: The story behind the match is pretty simple. Dolph Ziggler is a heel and Kofi Kingston is a face. There’s more to it than that, but them’s the basics. See Kingston has been pretty much shoved down our throats as the plucky, opening match wrestling midcard IC champion for awhile now, and has pretty much gone through all of the midcard heels on Smackdown. Meanwhile Ziggles has been doing his thing as Vickie Guerrero’s boytoy, and when they finally crossed paths Ziggler dethroned Kingston rather unceremoniously on Smackdown. Then in his rematch Ziggler won by DQ. Then in ANOTHER rematch he won by countout, prompting this match where if Ziggler is counted out or DQed then he loses the title.
So this is about Kingston’s 35th PPV opening match this year, and this is basically that exact same match. You may be familiar with my general dislike for his matches and character, but let me throw another log on the fire of distaste. Every single match he has with anyone is exactly the same. I think he is actually a robot built to have exactly one wrestling match and he has it with everyone, so his matches are only as good as the ability of his opponent to carry him. It ruined Legacy’s run because Orton couldn’t, it halted McIntyre’s momentum because he couldn’t, and now, despite a Herculean effort on Dolph’s part to add some kind of psychology to these proceedings, here he makes Mr. Ziggles look absolutely dull. It’s a special kind of magic to be a walking plague to the career of every heel you encounter and Kofi Kingston is the fucking Gandalf the Grey of killing pushes.
As I said, the match was nothing special and came off really flat, despite the megahot crowd. Some blame must be attributed to Ziggler for not getting them involved, but that’s ant hills to mountains next to Kofi’s inability to get as many cheers as the fucking cotton candy vendor.
65 out of 100.
Vice: I don’t know if it’s just the feud or what, but it’s amazing how far these two seem to have fallen when they’re in the ring together. It wasn’t THAT long ago that everyone was thinking Kofi was going to be a great little addition to the main event scene and had that meteoric rise in a short amount of time. That fizzled out and I haven’t found him at all interesting since. He had his chance, and I don’t see him getting up there again anytime soon. Dolph was a guy who always really impressed me with all the small things he does that make him stand out, and I thought he was going to go far. I thought he was rubbish here, as these two put on a super boring match that not even a hot crowd could save for me. This was like watching one of those matches between broken down old wrestlers that used to be great, but are clearly shells of their former selves, and it’s just kind of.. sad to watch. It’s a shame they’re still so young.
Ms.Cewsh: It’s amazing for all the midcard talent WWE employs that we’re having this match. Again. Seriously, I don’t get Smackdown, but did all the midcarders get simultaneously murdered? This is the third PPV in a row they’ve fought, and as far as I can tell, nothing ever happens. There hasn’t been an escalation or a blow off. It’s just….
Boring. I’m bored. The only thing that spices it all up is the Kaitlyn/Vicki/Dolph like triangle. Couldn’t we have had that AND a match that doesn’t suck?
42 out of 100
Cewsh: Squeeeee! Collective Magistrate Punk is here!
Ms.Cewsh: This show is called Night of Champions, not Night of Crap I Saw Last Month, right?
58 out of 100
Cewsh: Pfft, our Straight Edge savior comes out and cuts a promo about how he fucking loves Chicago and just happens to hate all of the people IN Chicago for ruining it, and about how he isn’t afraid of Big Show at all and once made the Undertaker tap out, SO THERE. Big Show comes out, looking like an adorable goof as always, and we get down to business.
Well to the business of businesslike business, anyway. This match never really takes off, and never really lags, it just goes right ahead and continues until the end. See, the reason this match is here at all is because when the Night of Champions idea started there were more title belts to be defended on the show. But now, with two of them unified, the PPV where all the titles are defended can’t actually be filled by title matches alone. So since this was the closest thing to a midcard feud still bubbling, here it is, but neither guy is really doing much but having their typical match and the crowd knows that it doesn’t really matter, so they do their bit for 12 minutes and go home.
As a result, this match is decidedly average with a lean towards good just because of how talented Punk and Show are as performers. I’d say more, but do I really have to? I think you get the idea. The phrase “Fine” was invented for times like these.
69 out of 100.
Vice: Punk is God on the mic.
Vice: I’ll be honest here– I’m still kind of shocked to see Bryan in WWE, and succeeding to boot. WWE could have easily brought him in to NXT, exposed all of his weaknesses, and shipped him off a heartbeat later saying “this is why we don’t hire these hyped up indy guys”, and stick to their own guys. And yes, I know that CM Punk was in the match before this, and he was an indy guy as well, but he’s an exception. Not only is he a great wrestler, but he’s absolutely brilliant on the mic (unlike most indy guys), knows how to work a true character (unlike most indy guys), has a great look (unlike most indy guys) and is actually drug and alcohol free (unlike everyone) in a business that is pretty much known for people pumping themselves into balloon animals with rampant steroid use, dying early deaths by constant drug use, and people causing ruckuses by being all too happy to indulge in alcohol. With all that going in Punk’s favor, it’s no surprise that WWE had something for him to do, even though it’s a surprise he’s gone as far as he has. Bryan looks like a doof, isn’t the best on the mic, and being a vegan doesn’t exactly add a lot to his character.
What I love is that to hide Danielson’s ability to cut WWE-esque promos, they just made him a normal dude who talks like a normal dude and cuts normal dude promos, and admits to being a normal dude. I think he’s actually fantastic when he’s just candidly speaking on the mic, and they’re allowing him to do that. The Lebell Lock is also a brilliant finisher, and they’re letting him do his real talking in the ring with his matches. And after a really good, intense match with Miz that put him over like a warrior, he’s a champion that won his belt in clean fashion over a [most likely] soon to be world champion. It is nuts.
Not Pictured: Squirrels.
Like, just thinking about what I typed, I actually had to go watch the final moments of the match again just to make sure I wasn’t completely making this up. And I know the Chicago crowd was hot in general, but holy corndog did they go berserk when Miz tapped. My god.
Ride on, Dannyboy.
Ms.Cewsh: I never saw Danielson on the indies, so I never had the fondness for Daniel Bryan that a lot of other people had. On NXT, I wasn’t sure he was going to be able to talk, but I did like his built in feud with Miz and he can obviously wrestle. When he went away, I didn’t really miss him or not miss him. He was just a non-entity.
Then he came back and it was AWESOME. And the feud is awesome. And this match is awesome.
I think the boys have most of the match covered, but I’ll add a few things. Bryan’s working of a more indie style makes him really unique and fun to watch in the ring. He has some really great, innovative counters, and he plays a really sympathetic face. Really excellent. I was definitely rooting for Miz to tap by the time he finally locked in the LeBell Lock.
79 out of 100
Cewsh: Vice is shocked to see Daniel Bryan here? Well I’m fucking astonished that this match could have ever become a reality to begin with. You have The Miz, who 5 years ago was a green wrestlers who got on everyone’s nerves and was best known for nailing Trishelle and Corel on the Real World. Fast forward to now, and he’s quickly becoming one of the biggest stars in the wrestling world. Then there’s Daniel Bryan who, five years ago, was ruling Ring of Honor with an iron fist and was stating publically that he had no intention of ever joining a major wrestling company because he wanted to keep his integrity. Now here we have the two of them, feuding and fighting over a WWE championship belt, and they are both brilliant. It defies explanation.
This match, too, defies explanation, because there’s no way anyone in their right mind could have expected it to be this good, whether it be 5 years before or 5 minutes. Here tonight in that ring, those two guys put on an incredible show that not only was a great stand alone match, but which got Daniel Bryan more over in one night than any match has done for anyone in recent memory (or at least since Angle/Anderson in the Cage). The Miz was a perfect bully, with all the confidence in the world, and an experience edge at competing in WWE, and Bryan was perfect as the plucky underdog that everyone was underestimating, and nobody knew what to expect from. Miz worked over his arm all match, and Bryan sold that shit like he got shanked in the elbow, but he kept fighting, and by the end the fans were so solidly and completely behind Bryan that I thought I was watching a World title match.
I can’t say enough for WWE on this one, for giving us a feud the fans were ready to see, for letting Bryan be the man to finally shut Miz up and beat him clean, and to have kept Bryan so fresh throughout all of his time in WWE so far, so that his matches are exciting and unpredictable. I can’t say enough for Miz and the masterful heel he has grown into, after the long awkward growing pains it took to get here, to see him blossoming into something special is a joy. And I can’t say enough for Daniel Bryan for embracing the WWE style and eliminating everything about himself I ever had reason to complain about. These guys were great, and the Miz has never, ever been better. Fantastic job tonight guys, you made stars of each other tonight.
87 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
These two had a good match, once upon a time. I remember. I saw it. It wasn’t this match.
It’s not just the fact that the match is started by the announcers declaring Melina “one of the best” ever and followed by Striker detailing a brief history of the women’s belt, which has been in existence since 1956. It’s the botching, the hair pulling, Maryse’s dress, the “primal scream”, the stolen moves. It’s the fact that this is the best the women’s division feels it has to offer. And after Melina’s entrance, not one person cared.
The only positive I have is Michelle looks really cute tonight. That shouldn’t be what we’re going for.
20 out of 100
Cewsh: Boy, it’s really fantastic to have gone to Shimmer, seen those ladies having fantastic matches and telling fantastic stories, only to come back to watching WWE and see this.
Goddamit people. If I weren’t so fucking happy Melina didn’t win this match, I’d be losing my mind about how shitty and unimportant this TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH came off.
56 out of 100.
Vice: The women’s division is a joke, and it’s Dane Cook levels of funny. So, facepalms all around.
Cewsh: Okay, just what in the fuck is going on here?
Not only is Kane our current World Heavyweight Champion, but he’s…amazing. And not only are he and the Undertaker feuding again, but they’re having the best feud they’ve had since the first one, and maybe the best feud Kane has ever been a part of. Kane is cutting mind numbing great promos every week, and they’re telling a storyline that not only makes everything both men have done for YEARS now make perfect sense as some kind of master plan on Kane’s part, but that makes the Undertaker look truly vulnerable for perhaps the first time in his entire career. In 5 months they have turned Kane from perennial joke, to the single most dominant force on the entire roster, and he is rising to the occasion so definitively that I find hard to believe it’s even the same guy.
Take this match for example. They both come out and do tons of brawling with the Undertaker naturally a little upset after Kane fucked his shit up and put him in a vegetative state, and then embarrassed him at Summerslam. But then Kane just takes over and starts bludgeoning the shit out of the Undertaker and completely taking over the match. The Undertaker fights from beneath and tries to overcome his disadvantage (Kane apparently keeps getting bigger while Taker shrivels up), but every time he tries anything, Kane knocks his dick in the dirt and makes him look…well…old.
And that’s the real story here. This is being presented as the story of the dominant Phenom finally reaching the end of the road and he can’t fend off his younger brother anymore. The guard is finally changing, and Kane is enjoying giving back every beating his brother gave him over the years.
Finally, when The Undertaker goes to finish Kane with the Tombstone that has ended him ultimately over the years, Kane reverses it, hits a Tombstone of his own, and that’s all she wrote. No comebacks, no kickouts. No epic nearfalls. Kane defeated the Undertaker utterly here, and the shock of seeing him come off so dominant still has not worn off. After all the years Kane spent in stasis because there was only room for one supernatural monster on top of the card, it is finally his time. And my god, he’s so much better than I ever could have expected.
Quietly, this has become the storyline to watch in the latter half of 2010. If they can keep up the momentum for Kane, and if Kane can produce more matches that tell stories as good as he did here, he’ll be the comeback wrestler of the year with no debate necessary.
82 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: Exactly what it needed to be, and surprisingly entertaining. The highlight of the match by far, for me, was the punching exchange towards the end. Kane hits Taker and gets a giant BOOOOO. Taker fires back to a thunderous YAAAAAY. BOOOO. YAAAAY. BOOOO. YAAAAY. Then they both hit each other at the same time, and the crowd erupts with a “BOYAO..oayo…?..”, which made me piss myself a bit. Like, I don’t know if this was completely planned or not, but to me it seemed like this was another “say ‘what’ if you sleep with your sister! — WHA–…” moment and Undertaker was just having fun, or if it was a miscommunication of sorts, or him showing heart or whatever. But regardless, I loved the crowd’s reaction. Loved that Kane picked up the win, too, as that continues the feud nicely and Undertaker winning would have been just too easy and safe.
Ms.Cewsh: Good feud, fine match, hope they don’t blow it off in two weeks. It’s a shame I don’t have more to say.
71 out of 100
Cewsh: The backstory here is…well, there isn’t one. Nope, not even an eensy weensy bit. This match, to my knowledge, wasn’t even announced before the PPV actually started, much less hyped on television, we just have ourselves a token tag team title match here so all the titles can be defended on this show. Which is fine, because I doubt anybody was going to be paying any money to see anything the Hart Dynasty did anyway.
Speaking of the HD in the place to be, they start off this gauntlet match with the Usos in a match we’ve seen no more than 8,600 times thus far this year. As you may recall the gauntlet deal is that two teams start, and then as one is eliminated, another will replace it until they run out of teams, and the last team standing is your winner. It’s a rare thing for the people who START a gauntlet match to have any chance of winning it, but we’re talking about the Hart Dynasty here so…
The Usos eliminate the Harts after a short back and forth, and instantly the crowd comes alive from the doldrums they had been in, knowing full well that we have ourselves a situation with guaranteed new champions. Holy shit, I didn’t see that shit coming!
The Great Santinov are up next and Santino goes right ahead and gets himself bludgeoned half to death, as is his way, before Kozlov jumps in and beats 97.3 kind of fuck out of everybody. Then there’s some nice interaction between Santino and Tamina (they’re kind of adorable together), right up until the Usos get sick of that lovey dovey bullshit and get rid of the Great Santa Koz.
Mark Henry and Evan Bourne Have Entered The Match.
Next up is Mark Henry and Evan Bourne who spend about 8 second making life very unpleasant for the Usos before unceremoniously dumping them the fuck out of the match like nothing.
Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes Have Entered The Match.
Okay, so Cody and Drew were last which means that we are 100% guaranteed to have new champions who are in no way whatsoever a tag team. I’m sure Vice will be thriiiiilled. These guys go at it full bore for a good long while, and the crowd is clearly more into them than any of the tag teams that came before so the match really starts to pick up steam before Rhodes grabs Bourne and gives him a NASTY Crossrhodes, damn near spinning the poor little bugger out of his boots, and capturing the tag team titles for Drew and himself.
Well well, we have ourselves some new champions, and while it would be easy to complain that it isn’t a real tag team who has them, at least the titles are in the hands of people who are actually over and who can work a decent match that people may want to see. As far as the Hart Dynasty and this match are concerned, I can sum both up in one sentence. Both the team and the match would be better, if you got rid of half. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.
64 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: At least it’s not the Harts/Usos anymore. And Tamina was cute with Santino.
66 out of 100
Vice: I’m quite disappointed that the final two teams in here were mash-up teams. If you’re going to have tag titles, have a fucking tag division. With actual teams.
Cewsh: Okay, here we go. With a truck full of number one contenders to Sheamus’ WWE title, we have ourselves a Six Pack challenge, meaning that all 6 men will start the match and if they get pinned or if they submit, they’re eliminated until only one man is remaining. As I’ve sort of been pointing out throughout the show (not Mr. Observant are you?) there’s really no way to call who is going to win this match. The story could go any of the 6 ways, though the smart money isn’t on Jericho with all of the rumors circulating that he’s taking a break from wrestling. But yeah, 6 big stars, 6 different directions. Let’s do this.
The match starts and everybody just scatters, fighting each other all over the place. Jericho starts kicking everybody in the face, and overally just being a dick, which is sort of a bad idea as it results in him pissing off John Cena, who betas 46 flavors of ice cream out of Jericho before Orton ices him off with an RKO, ending Jericho’s night about a minute into the goddamn match.
The whole match stops for a second as all of the wrestler, the fans, and especially Jericho himself stare around in shock. They look on as Jericho dazedly stumbles up the ramp looking like a lost puppy as the crowd chants “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” at him. There’s a small tear in his eye as he walks to the back for what may very well be the last time.
(Cewsh Note: he was back on Raw, so my sobbing was somewhat premature.)
They’re all milling about the ring as focus comes back to the ring. At least, that’s what Wade Barrett thinks, but the rest of the glee club has other ideas as they circle him like sharks in a way reminiscent of something recently but I can’t quite put my finger on it…
He gets himself a royal beatdown at the hands of all the people he had been fucking with for the past several months, and it’s a glorious sight to behold. Whenever a second can be spared from this noble task, however, we are geiven heavy HEAVY hints that the two men who want to go at it the most are John Cena and Randy Orton, and there is no doubt that that is what the fans dearly want as well. But every time they get close to mixing it up, somebody else gets involves and messes the whole business up, the bastards. It’s a amazing how a match we’ve seen 800 times in the past year can seem so exciting and be wanted so badly just with one turn, but there it is. That match is a hot fucking ticket, and it’s a matter of when, not if, we get it.
The OTHER story they’re telling here is that nobody can stand in the way of Randy Orton…except for Sheamus. Time and time again Orton will decimate every man in the ring, only to be foiled by Sheamus having his number yet again. If there was any doubt as to whether that feud is over, let it be put to rest right now, because it is all over this match. In fact it seems like every time ANYBODY interacts it calls to mind some epic feud of epicness, such as, getting back to the action, John Cena giving Edge an Attitude Adjustment out of his boots and sending him to the showers (more Edge/Cena matches please).
Now it’s Cena’s turn to clean house, and he does an admirable job until, of course, Nexus shows up, fucks with Cena’s concentration and sends him directly into the waiting arms of one Wade Barrett, and off he goes on a one way ticket to Wasteland. But there’s no way that John Cena can actually have lo…
HOLY SHIT. I know Cena doesn’t win every match anymore or anything, but seeing him lose so quickly and so early in this match is absolutely dumfounding to me still. Not to mention I can hear Vice cheering from 400 miles away.
Wade Barrett and Nexus move their attentions on to Randy Orton, which is ultimately kind of a questionable idea became John Cena comes back swinging a chair, cleaning out the Nexus, leaving Orton wide open to RKO Barrett’s ass right on out of here.
With Orton gloating over the last win, Sheamus positions himself for the big kick, ready to take Orton out by surprise and stay one step ahead of him like he had been for months now, and poised to defend his title yet again through nefarious opportunism. Except this time, THIS TIME, the Viper saw him coming.
Randy Orton Is Your New WWE Champion!
This was a really fun match. It wasn’t patently great in and of itself, but the references to so many great feuds of the past, present and future, and the way it played on previous interactions between all of these guys was fantastic and really very well done. And the fans get exactly what they wanted as they absolutely exploded for their new champion. All is well in the WWE universe, as the title is finally around the waist of their hero, the serial killer.
Long live the king.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: Orton winning the title here was a great decision, I’d say. I think it may be a bit too “soon”, and could have dragged it out a bit more, but this lets him get a good quick run, lose it, and then win it again at Wrestlemania perhaps. He needs the Mania win, but waiting until then to give him the title again would be a gigantic risk. This works well though. Very glad to see Wade kill and pin Cena (even though Cena sat right up the millisecond after Wade got off him), because that was quite possibly the absolute best thing they could have done with the two, and it also meant Cena was eliminated, thus I immediately enjoyed the match 147% more.
Orton’s celebration at the end of this show was even more ridiculous than the awkwardness of Mr. Anderson at TNA’s latest PPV outing. I’m sure it’s because WWE had to kill time so they could finish around 10:45ish, but it was so awkward. It went on long enough to where you think that something is going to happen, but nothing ever did. It went on for like 5 minutes. Seriously. I was actually kind of hoping that Miz, out of his mind from losing to Bryan earlier, would make a horrendously stupid decision and try to challenge Orton and lose. Seriously, this shit just went on forever.
Ms.Cewsh: Very fun match, loved everyone in it, (after the first five minutes. ). Love that Orton was the only face. Love the ending! Yay Randy! Whee!
86 out of 100
Cewsh: This was a helluva show. Not only did it open my eyes to a few burgeoning stars, and tell stories in unexpectedly great ways, but it really launched the Night of Champions concept into the stratosphere for me. As I said before, I have crowned this the new 4th member of the fraternity of big shows, and with a few years of shows like this, I don’t see how anyone will be able to argue.
Ms. Cewsh: This was a tough show. Watching it, I did enjoy it as a whole, but breaking it down for the review, it wasn’t very good. I love the gimmick of Night of Champions, but it hurts the show when they don’t make the titles feel very important. I can understand that they don’t want to blow off OR start too many new feuds, with the next show right around the corner. Just, for all the title changes, nothing except Bryan felt HUGE.
Also, fuck you WWE for retiring the Women’s belt and keeping the Butterfly Title. You’re idiots and I hate you.
Alright boys and girls, we hope you enjoyed gilding yourself in our golden, liquid…erm…right. It was nice to get the whole gang together for a show, and we’re looking to do it again very soon as we look forward to TNA’s Bound For Glory on the 10th. But before we get there, we’ve got another stop on the road, and this time we’ve decided to revisit the past. We’ve been pretty harsh to WCW lately, and now it’s time to go back to their glory days and see if we can turn it the other way for a change, as Ms. Cewsh and I review WCW Bash At The Beach 1995. Until then, as always, keep reading and be good to one another.