Monthly Archives: September 2010

WWE Night of Champions 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Night Of Champions 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment to the verily gilded Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as World Wrestling Entertainment lifts the gold curtain and rolls out the red velvet for a one of a kind event, the Night of Champions. This is the one night of the year where we are guaranteed to see every single title on the line, and not only that, but we have ourselves a unification match, a 6 pack challenge, and match theoretically being contested over the copyright to some fictional magical powers. Add into that a special attraction match that is very attractive (Punk says rawr), a United States championship match I would have kicked myself in the nuts for suggesting 5 years ago, and a tag team title gauntlet, and you’ve got the makings of a very special show. That is, if they can actually put it together. Will this show go down in a spectacular glittery ball of flames like last year’s, or will it realize it’s potential as we plunge on towards the Road to Wrestlemania? There’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Let me go on record as saying this here and now. For years and years there has always been an understood “big four” in WWE PPVs. Wrestlemania, Summerslam, the Royal Rumble and Survivor Series have always represented a level somehow above and beyond your average monthly PPV to one degree or another. They were presented as being greater, the atmosphere was better, the crowds were hotter, and the cards were more prestigious. They were the big shows. In recent years, though, Wrestlemania has pulled away from the other three, and Survivor Series has been on the verge of nonexistence, much less being prestigious. So right here and right now I am naming Night of Champions the new addition to the Big Four. All the title are on the line, the hype is great, the atmosphere is exciting, the set is incredible and it really feels like a very special event. And in keeping with that, we’ve got Vice and Ms. Cewsh both reviewing a WWE PPV tonight, so you know it MUST be important.


Vice
: I saw this show and actually had some things to say, so here I am making a cameo for a WWE show I would normally not be anywhere near. Don’t expect full reviews, an overall score, awards, etc.. just typing some random thoughts. Very casual, baby.

Cewsh: The video just feeds into the revelry here, as they take the time to make sure you are wildly hyped for both World title matches and it works big time, with some of WWE’s best and most epic show music in years pumping in the background, these guys have me ready for war.

 
Segment 2 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Dolph (Mr. Ass) Ziggler © vs. Kofi (Jason Sensation) Kingston.

Cewsh: The story behind the match is pretty simple. Dolph Ziggler is a heel and Kofi Kingston is a face. There’s more to it than that, but them’s the basics. See Kingston has been pretty much shoved down our throats as the plucky, opening match wrestling midcard IC champion for awhile now, and has pretty much gone through all of the midcard heels on Smackdown. Meanwhile Ziggles has been doing his thing as Vickie Guerrero’s boytoy, and when they finally crossed paths Ziggler dethroned Kingston rather unceremoniously on Smackdown. Then in his rematch Ziggler won by DQ. Then in ANOTHER rematch he won by countout, prompting this match where if Ziggler is counted out or DQed then he loses the title.

So this is about Kingston’s 35th PPV opening match this year, and this is basically that exact same match. You may be familiar with my general dislike for his matches and character, but let me throw another log on the fire of distaste. Every single match he has with anyone is exactly the same. I think he is actually a robot built to have exactly one wrestling match and he has it with everyone, so his matches are only as good as the ability of his opponent to carry him. It ruined Legacy’s run because Orton couldn’t, it halted McIntyre’s momentum because he couldn’t, and now, despite a Herculean effort on Dolph’s part to add some kind of psychology to these proceedings, here he makes Mr. Ziggles look absolutely dull. It’s a special kind of magic to be a walking plague to the career of every heel you encounter and Kofi Kingston is the fucking Gandalf the Grey of killing pushes.

Yep, It’s As I Thought. Kofi Kingston Sucks.

As I said, the match was nothing special and came off really flat, despite the megahot crowd. Some blame must be attributed to Ziggler for not getting them involved, but that’s ant hills to mountains next to Kofi’s inability to get as many cheers as the fucking cotton candy vendor.

65 out of 100.

Vice: I don’t know if it’s just the feud or what, but it’s amazing how far these two seem to have fallen when they’re in the ring together. It wasn’t THAT long ago that everyone was thinking Kofi was going to be a great little addition to the main event scene and had that meteoric rise in a short amount of time. That fizzled out and I haven’t found him at all interesting since. He had his chance, and I don’t see him getting up there again anytime soon. Dolph was a guy who always really impressed me with all the small things he does that make him stand out, and I thought he was going to go far. I thought he was rubbish here, as these two put on a super boring match that not even a hot crowd could save for me. This was like watching one of those matches between broken down old wrestlers that used to be great, but are clearly shells of their former selves, and it’s just kind of.. sad to watch. It’s a shame they’re still so young.

Ms.Cewsh: It’s amazing for all the midcard talent WWE employs that we’re having this match. Again. Seriously, I don’t get Smackdown, but did all the midcarders get simultaneously murdered? This is the third PPV in a row they’ve fought, and as far as I can tell, nothing ever happens. There hasn’t been an escalation or a blow off. It’s just….

Boring. I’m bored. The only thing that spices it all up is the Kaitlyn/Vicki/Dolph like triangle. Couldn’t we have had that AND a match that doesn’t suck?

A Possible Solution.

42 out of 100

Dolph Ziggler Over Kofi Kingston Following The Zig Zag.


Segment 3 – Edge Is Going To Win The WWE Title Tonight.

Cewsh:

Who Wouldn’t Pick Edge?
Segment 4 – CM (Cutely Manicured) Punk vs. The Big (Bear?) Show.

Cewsh: Squeeeee! Collective Magistrate Punk is here!

I Think He Likes Me!

Ms.Cewsh: This show is called Night of Champions, not Night of Crap I Saw Last Month, right?

58 out of 100

Cewsh: Pfft, our Straight Edge savior comes out and cuts a promo about how he fucking loves Chicago and just happens to hate all of the people IN Chicago for ruining it, and about how he isn’t afraid of Big Show at all and once made the Undertaker tap out, SO THERE. Big Show comes out, looking like an adorable goof as always, and we get down to business.

Well to the business of businesslike business, anyway. This match never really takes off, and never really lags, it just goes right ahead and continues until the end. See, the reason this match is here at all is because when the Night of Champions idea started there were more title belts to be defended on the show. But now, with two of them unified, the PPV where all the titles are defended can’t actually be filled by title matches alone. So since this was the closest thing to a midcard feud still bubbling, here it is, but neither guy is really doing much but having their typical match and the crowd knows that it doesn’t really matter, so they do their bit for 12 minutes and go home.

As a result, this match is decidedly average with a lean towards good just because of how talented Punk and Show are as performers. I’d say more, but do I really have to? I think you get the idea. The phrase “Fine” was invented for times like these.

69 out of 100.

Vice: Punk is God on the mic.

The Big Show Over CM Punk Following A Knock Out Punch.
Segment 5 – No Wait, Chris Jericho Is Going To Win The Title!

Cewsh:

Whatcha Lookin’ At Chris?
 
Segment 6 – WWE United States Championship – The (Reality Show Guy) Miz © vs. Daniel (Captain Indies) Bryan.

Vice: I’ll be honest here– I’m still kind of shocked to see Bryan in WWE, and succeeding to boot. WWE could have easily brought him in to NXT, exposed all of his weaknesses, and shipped him off a heartbeat later saying “this is why we don’t hire these hyped up indy guys”, and stick to their own guys. And yes, I know that CM Punk was in the match before this, and he was an indy guy as well, but he’s an exception. Not only is he a great wrestler, but he’s absolutely brilliant on the mic (unlike most indy guys), knows how to work a true character (unlike most indy guys), has a great look (unlike most indy guys) and is actually drug and alcohol free (unlike everyone) in a business that is pretty much known for people pumping themselves into balloon animals with rampant steroid use, dying early deaths by constant drug use, and people causing ruckuses by being all too happy to indulge in alcohol. With all that going in Punk’s favor, it’s no surprise that WWE had something for him to do, even though it’s a surprise he’s gone as far as he has. Bryan looks like a doof, isn’t the best on the mic, and being a vegan doesn’t exactly add a lot to his character.

What I love is that to hide Danielson’s ability to cut WWE-esque promos, they just made him a normal dude who talks like a normal dude and cuts normal dude promos, and admits to being a normal dude. I think he’s actually fantastic when he’s just candidly speaking on the mic, and they’re allowing him to do that. The Lebell Lock is also a brilliant finisher, and they’re letting him do his real talking in the ring with his matches. And after a really good, intense match with Miz that put him over like a warrior, he’s a champion that won his belt in clean fashion over a [most likely] soon to be world champion. It is nuts.

Pictured: Nuts.
Not Pictured: Squirrels.

Like, just thinking about what I typed, I actually had to go watch the final moments of the match again just to make sure I wasn’t completely making this up. And I know the Chicago crowd was hot in general, but holy corndog did they go berserk when Miz tapped. My god.

And Danielson sold his injured arm the entire time. That’s how you do it, people.

Ride on, Dannyboy.

Ms.Cewsh: I never saw Danielson on the indies, so I never had the fondness for Daniel Bryan that a lot of other people had. On NXT, I wasn’t sure he was going to be able to talk, but I did like his built in feud with Miz and he can obviously wrestle. When he went away, I didn’t really miss him or not miss him. He was just a non-entity.

Then he came back and it was AWESOME. And the feud is awesome. And this match is awesome.

I think the boys have most of the match covered, but I’ll add a few things. Bryan’s working of a more indie style makes him really unique and fun to watch in the ring. He has some really great, innovative counters, and he plays a really sympathetic face. Really excellent. I was definitely rooting for Miz to tap by the time he finally locked in the LeBell Lock.

YUS!

79 out of 100

Cewsh: Vice is shocked to see Daniel Bryan here? Well I’m fucking astonished that this match could have ever become a reality to begin with. You have The Miz, who 5 years ago was a green wrestlers who got on everyone’s nerves and was best known for nailing Trishelle and Corel on the Real World. Fast forward to now, and he’s quickly becoming one of the biggest stars in the wrestling world. Then there’s Daniel Bryan who, five years ago, was ruling Ring of Honor with an iron fist and was stating publically that he had no intention of ever joining a major wrestling company because he wanted to keep his integrity. Now here we have the two of them, feuding and fighting over a WWE championship belt, and they are both brilliant. It defies explanation.

This match, too, defies explanation, because there’s no way anyone in their right mind could have expected it to be this good, whether it be 5 years before or 5 minutes. Here tonight in that ring, those two guys put on an incredible show that not only was a great stand alone match, but which got Daniel Bryan more over in one night than any match has done for anyone in recent memory (or at least since Angle/Anderson in the Cage). The Miz was a perfect bully, with all the confidence in the world, and an experience edge at competing in WWE, and Bryan was perfect as the plucky underdog that everyone was underestimating, and nobody knew what to expect from. Miz worked over his arm all match, and Bryan sold that shit like he got shanked in the elbow, but he kept fighting, and by the end the fans were so solidly and completely behind Bryan that I thought I was watching a World title match.

I can’t say enough for WWE on this one, for giving us a feud the fans were ready to see, for letting Bryan be the man to finally shut Miz up and beat him clean, and to have kept Bryan so fresh throughout all of his time in WWE so far, so that his matches are exciting and unpredictable. I can’t say enough for Miz and the masterful heel he has grown into, after the long awkward growing pains it took to get here, to see him blossoming into something special is a joy. And I can’t say enough for Daniel Bryan for embracing the WWE style and eliminating everything about himself I ever had reason to complain about. These guys were great, and the Miz has never, ever been better. Fantastic job tonight guys, you made stars of each other tonight.

87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Daniel Bryan Over The Miz Following The Labelle Lock.


Segment 7 – Did I Say Chris Jericho? I Meant John Cena.

Cewsh:

Uh, Whatcha Lookin’ At Josh?
Segment 8 – WWE Women’s Championship and WWE Divas Championship – Lumberjill Match – Melina(‘s Indian Name Is “Steals From Shimmer”) © vs. Michelle (Angelina Love’s Favorite Diva) McCool.

Ms.Cewsh: No.

These two had a good match, once upon a time. I remember. I saw it. It wasn’t this match.

It’s not just the fact that the match is started by the announcers declaring Melina “one of the best” ever and followed by Striker detailing a brief history of the women’s belt, which has been in existence since 1956. It’s the botching, the hair pulling, Maryse’s dress, the “primal scream”, the stolen moves. It’s the fact that this is the best the women’s division feels it has to offer. And after Melina’s entrance, not one person cared.

The only positive I have is Michelle looks really cute tonight. That shouldn’t be what we’re going for.

20 out of 100

Cewsh: Boy, it’s really fantastic to have gone to Shimmer, seen those ladies having fantastic matches and telling fantastic stories, only to come back to watching WWE and see this.

Trained Professionals.

Goddamit people. If I weren’t so fucking happy Melina didn’t win this match, I’d be losing my mind about how shitty and unimportant this TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH came off.

56 out of 100.

Vice: The women’s division is a joke, and it’s Dane Cook levels of funny. So, facepalms all around.

Michelle McCool Over Melina Following A Huge Sigh Of Relief.
Segment 9 – *Wade Barrett.

Cewsh:

What Is It With You Guys And Staring Off Into Space, Anyway?
 
Segment 10 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – No Holds Barred Match – (The Suddenly Great) Kane © vs. (The Suddenly Ancient) Undertaker.

Cewsh: Okay, just what in the fuck is going on here?

Not only is Kane our current World Heavyweight Champion, but he’s…amazing. And not only are he and the Undertaker feuding again, but they’re having the best feud they’ve had since the first one, and maybe the best feud Kane has ever been a part of. Kane is cutting mind numbing great promos every week, and they’re telling a storyline that not only makes everything both men have done for YEARS now make perfect sense as some kind of master plan on Kane’s part, but that makes the Undertaker look truly vulnerable for perhaps the first time in his entire career. In 5 months they have turned Kane from perennial joke, to the single most dominant force on the entire roster, and he is rising to the occasion so definitively that I find hard to believe it’s even the same guy.

Though He Is, As Always, As Graceful As A Swan.

Take this match for example. They both come out and do tons of brawling with the Undertaker naturally a little upset after Kane fucked his shit up and put him in a vegetative state, and then embarrassed him at Summerslam. But then Kane just takes over and starts bludgeoning the shit out of the Undertaker and completely taking over the match. The Undertaker fights from beneath and tries to overcome his disadvantage (Kane apparently keeps getting bigger while Taker shrivels up), but every time he tries anything, Kane knocks his dick in the dirt and makes him look…well…old.

“Is Social Security Here Yet?”

And that’s the real story here. This is being presented as the story of the dominant Phenom finally reaching the end of the road and he can’t fend off his younger brother anymore. The guard is finally changing, and Kane is enjoying giving back every beating his brother gave him over the years.

Finally, when The Undertaker goes to finish Kane with the Tombstone that has ended him ultimately over the years, Kane reverses it, hits a Tombstone of his own, and that’s all she wrote. No comebacks, no kickouts. No epic nearfalls. Kane defeated the Undertaker utterly here, and the shock of seeing him come off so dominant still has not worn off. After all the years Kane spent in stasis because there was only room for one supernatural monster on top of the card, it is finally his time. And my god, he’s so much better than I ever could have expected.

Quietly, this has become the storyline to watch in the latter half of 2010. If they can keep up the momentum for Kane, and if Kane can produce more matches that tell stories as good as he did here, he’ll be the comeback wrestler of the year with no debate necessary.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Exactly what it needed to be, and surprisingly entertaining. The highlight of the match by far, for me, was the punching exchange towards the end. Kane hits Taker and gets a giant BOOOOO. Taker fires back to a thunderous YAAAAAY. BOOOO. YAAAAY. BOOOO. YAAAAY. Then they both hit each other at the same time, and the crowd erupts with a “BOYAO..oayo…?..”, which made me piss myself a bit. Like, I don’t know if this was completely planned or not, but to me it seemed like this was another “say ‘what’ if you sleep with your sister! — WHA–…” moment and Undertaker was just having fun, or if it was a miscommunication of sorts, or him showing heart or whatever. But regardless, I loved the crowd’s reaction. Loved that Kane picked up the win, too, as that continues the feud nicely and Undertaker winning would have been just too easy and safe.

Safe Is Not This Man’s Style.

Ms.Cewsh: Good feud, fine match, hope they don’t blow it off in two weeks. It’s a shame I don’t have more to say.

71 out of 100

Kane Over The Undertaker Following A Tombstone Piledriver.
Segment 11 – Hmm, Randy Orton Seems Like A Good Bet.

Cewsh:

Orton Just Totally Caught You Checking Him Out, Grish.
 
Segment 12 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – Gauntlet Match – The H(F)art Dynasty (lol) © vs. The Uso (Horny) Brothers vs. Team We Were In The Hallway When Vince Walked By (Mark Henry and Evan Bourne) vs. Team Pizza Sickle (Santino Marrella and Vladamir Kozlov) vs. Team We’re Heels And All (Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre).

Cewsh: The backstory here is…well, there isn’t one. Nope, not even an eensy weensy bit. This match, to my knowledge, wasn’t even announced before the PPV actually started, much less hyped on television, we just have ourselves a token tag team title match here so all the titles can be defended on this show. Which is fine, because I doubt anybody was going to be paying any money to see anything the Hart Dynasty did anyway.

Speaking of the HD in the place to be, they start off this gauntlet match with the Usos in a match we’ve seen no more than 8,600 times thus far this year. As you may recall the gauntlet deal is that two teams start, and then as one is eliminated, another will replace it until they run out of teams, and the last team standing is your winner. It’s a rare thing for the people who START a gauntlet match to have any chance of winning it, but we’re talking about the Hart Dynasty here so…

The Hart Dynasty Has Been Eliminated.

Wait, what?

The Usos eliminate the Harts after a short back and forth, and instantly the crowd comes alive from the doldrums they had been in, knowing full well that we have ourselves a situation with guaranteed new champions. Holy shit, I didn’t see that shit coming!

Santino And Kozlov Have Entered The Match.

The Great Santinov are up next and Santino goes right ahead and gets himself bludgeoned half to death, as is his way, before Kozlov jumps in and beats 97.3 kind of fuck out of everybody. Then there’s some nice interaction between Santino and Tamina (they’re kind of adorable together), right up until the Usos get sick of that lovey dovey bullshit and get rid of the Great Santa Koz.

Santino and Kozlov Have Been Eliminated.

Mark Henry and Evan Bourne Have Entered The Match.

Next up is Mark Henry and Evan Bourne who spend about 8 second making life very unpleasant for the Usos before unceremoniously dumping them the fuck out of the match like nothing.

The Uso Brothers Have Been Eliminated.

Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes Have Entered The Match.

Okay, so Cody and Drew were last which means that we are 100% guaranteed to have new champions who are in no way whatsoever a tag team. I’m sure Vice will be thriiiiilled. These guys go at it full bore for a good long while, and the crowd is clearly more into them than any of the tag teams that came before so the match really starts to pick up steam before Rhodes grabs Bourne and gives him a NASTY Crossrhodes, damn near spinning the poor little bugger out of his boots, and capturing the tag team titles for Drew and himself.

Mark Henry and Evan Bourne Have Been Eliminated.

Well well, we have ourselves some new champions, and while it would be easy to complain that it isn’t a real tag team who has them, at least the titles are in the hands of people who are actually over and who can work a decent match that people may want to see. As far as the Hart Dynasty and this match are concerned, I can sum both up in one sentence. Both the team and the match would be better, if you got rid of half. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

64 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: At least it’s not the Harts/Usos anymore. And Tamina was cute with Santino.

The Cobra Of Love.

66 out of 100

Vice: I’m quite disappointed that the final two teams in here were mash-up teams. If you’re going to have tag titles, have a fucking tag division. With actual teams.

Team We’re Heels And All Over Everybody Else Following Heelishness.
Segment 13 – Oh Fuck It, I’m Rooting For Sheamus.

Cewsh:

Okay, Now I Just Feel Like We’ve Interrupted An Intimate Moment.
 
Segment 14 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Six Pack Challenege – (Sexy) Sheamus © vs. (Juicy) John Cena vs. (Ravishing) Randy Orton vs. (Wild) Wade Barrett vs. (Christlike) Chris Jericho vs. (Exceptional) Edge.

Cewsh: Okay, here we go. With a truck full of number one contenders to Sheamus’ WWE title, we have ourselves a Six Pack challenge, meaning that all 6 men will start the match and if they get pinned or if they submit, they’re eliminated until only one man is remaining. As I’ve sort of been pointing out throughout the show (not Mr. Observant are you?) there’s really no way to call who is going to win this match. The story could go any of the 6 ways, though the smart money isn’t on Jericho with all of the rumors circulating that he’s taking a break from wrestling. But yeah, 6 big stars, 6 different directions. Let’s do this.

The match starts and everybody just scatters, fighting each other all over the place. Jericho starts kicking everybody in the face, and overally just being a dick, which is sort of a bad idea as it results in him pissing off John Cena, who betas 46 flavors of ice cream out of Jericho before Orton ices him off with an RKO, ending Jericho’s night about a minute into the goddamn match.

Chris Jericho Has Been Eliminated.

The whole match stops for a second as all of the wrestler, the fans, and especially Jericho himself stare around in shock. They look on as Jericho dazedly stumbles up the ramp looking like a lost puppy as the crowd chants “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” at him. There’s a small tear in his eye as he walks to the back for what may very well be the last time.

DON’T LEAVE ME, CHRIS!

(Cewsh Note: he was back on Raw, so my sobbing was somewhat premature.)

They’re all milling about the ring as focus comes back to the ring. At least, that’s what Wade Barrett thinks, but the rest of the glee club has other ideas as they circle him like sharks in a way reminiscent of something recently but I can’t quite put my finger on it…

I Feel Like It Starts With An N. Maybe An F?

He gets himself a royal beatdown at the hands of all the people he had been fucking with for the past several months, and it’s a glorious sight to behold. Whenever a second can be spared from this noble task, however, we are geiven heavy HEAVY hints that the two men who want to go at it the most are John Cena and Randy Orton, and there is no doubt that that is what the fans dearly want as well. But every time they get close to mixing it up, somebody else gets involves and messes the whole business up, the bastards. It’s a amazing how a match we’ve seen 800 times in the past year can seem so exciting and be wanted so badly just with one turn, but there it is. That match is a hot fucking ticket, and it’s a matter of when, not if, we get it.

The OTHER story they’re telling here is that nobody can stand in the way of Randy Orton…except for Sheamus. Time and time again Orton will decimate every man in the ring, only to be foiled by Sheamus having his number yet again. If there was any doubt as to whether that feud is over, let it be put to rest right now, because it is all over this match. In fact it seems like every time ANYBODY interacts it calls to mind some epic feud of epicness, such as, getting back to the action, John Cena giving Edge an Attitude Adjustment out of his boots and sending him to the showers (more Edge/Cena matches please).

Edge has Been Eliminated.

Now it’s Cena’s turn to clean house, and he does an admirable job until, of course, Nexus shows up, fucks with Cena’s concentration and sends him directly into the waiting arms of one Wade Barrett, and off he goes on a one way ticket to Wasteland. But there’s no way that John Cena can actually have lo…

John Cena Has Been Eliminated.

HOLY SHIT. I know Cena doesn’t win every match anymore or anything, but seeing him lose so quickly and so early in this match is absolutely dumfounding to me still. Not to mention I can hear Vice cheering from 400 miles away.

“Theeere Goooes Myyy Heeero…”

Wade Barrett and Nexus move their attentions on to Randy Orton, which is ultimately kind of a questionable idea became John Cena comes back swinging a chair, cleaning out the Nexus, leaving Orton wide open to RKO Barrett’s ass right on out of here.

Wade Barrett Has Been Eliminated.

With Orton gloating over the last win, Sheamus positions himself for the big kick, ready to take Orton out by surprise and stay one step ahead of him like he had been for months now, and poised to defend his title yet again through nefarious opportunism. Except this time, THIS TIME, the Viper saw him coming.

Miss.

RKO.

New Champion.

Sheamus Has Been Eliminated.

Randy Orton Is Your New WWE Champion!

This was a really fun match. It wasn’t patently great in and of itself, but the references to so many great feuds of the past, present and future, and the way it played on previous interactions between all of these guys was fantastic and really very well done. And the fans get exactly what they wanted as they absolutely exploded for their new champion. All is well in the WWE universe, as the title is finally around the waist of their hero, the serial killer.

Long live the king.

81 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Orton winning the title here was a great decision, I’d say. I think it may be a bit too “soon”, and could have dragged it out a bit more, but this lets him get a good quick run, lose it, and then win it again at Wrestlemania perhaps. He needs the Mania win, but waiting until then to give him the title again would be a gigantic risk. This works well though. Very glad to see Wade kill and pin Cena (even though Cena sat right up the millisecond after Wade got off him), because that was quite possibly the absolute best thing they could have done with the two, and it also meant Cena was eliminated, thus I immediately enjoyed the match 147% more.

Orton’s celebration at the end of this show was even more ridiculous than the awkwardness of Mr. Anderson at TNA’s latest PPV outing. I’m sure it’s because WWE had to kill time so they could finish around 10:45ish, but it was so awkward. It went on long enough to where you think that something is going to happen, but nothing ever did. It went on for like 5 minutes. Seriously. I was actually kind of hoping that Miz, out of his mind from losing to Bryan earlier, would make a horrendously stupid decision and try to challenge Orton and lose. Seriously, this shit just went on forever.

Ms.Cewsh: Very fun match, loved everyone in it, (after the first five minutes. ). Love that Orton was the only face. Love the ending! Yay Randy! Whee!

86 out of 100

Randy Orton Over Everyone Following A Shitton Of RKOs.

————————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: This was a helluva show. Not only did it open my eyes to a few burgeoning stars, and tell stories in unexpectedly great ways, but it really launched the Night of Champions concept into the stratosphere for me. As I said before, I have crowned this the new 4th member of the fraternity of big shows, and with a few years of shows like this, I don’t see how anyone will be able to argue.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 72 out of 100.


Ms.Cewsh’s Mania:

Ms. Cewsh: This was a tough show. Watching it, I did enjoy it as a whole, but breaking it down for the review, it wasn’t very good. I love the gimmick of Night of Champions, but it hurts the show when they don’t make the titles feel very important. I can understand that they don’t want to blow off OR start too many new feuds, with the next show right around the corner. Just, for all the title changes, nothing except Bryan felt HUGE.

Also, fuck you WWE for retiring the Women’s belt and keeping the Butterfly Title. You’re idiots and I hate you.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 66.28 out of 100.

Alright boys and girls, we hope you enjoyed gilding yourself in our golden, liquid…erm…right. It was nice to get the whole gang together for a show, and we’re looking to do it again very soon as we look forward to TNA’s Bound For Glory on the 10th. But before we get there, we’ve got another stop on the road, and this time we’ve decided to revisit the past. We’ve been pretty harsh to WCW lately, and now it’s time to go back to their glory days and see if we can turn it the other way for a change, as Ms. Cewsh and I review WCW Bash At The Beach 1995. Until then, as always, keep reading and be good to one another.

The Shimmer Volume 33-36 Wrap Up Spectacular

Mrs. Cewsh: Good evening kittens, are you all tuckered out? Cewsh and I certainly are, for we’ve spent the whole weekend at SHIMMER! It was seriously the most fun, exciting thing I’ve done as a wrestling fan and I’m going to share! There will be HUGE MAJOR SPOILERS. I am not kidding. There will also be pictures! Everyone loves pictures!

So without further ado, let’s do a family friendly, (except for Leva’s entrance music,) supplement!

To start, let me say I am the worst travel companion in history. I keep my anxiety pretty well in check as long as I’m within a, like, 20 mile bubble around my home. Once we breach that bubble, I’m all “Oh my god, what if the house runs away and the cat catches on fire and the car breaks and the hotel thinks I smell weird and they say I can’t stay and what if there’s traffic? Let’s leave 2 hours early to beat the traffic!”

I’m one of those people who gets to the airport 4 hours before a domestic flight.

So we showed up at 12:00 PM for a bell time of  2:00 PM on Saturday. Still, an hour before doors open wouldn’t have been an issue…if doors opened on time. This leads me to lesson number one of Shimmer:

  • The doors will NEVER open on time. Don’t stress it.

Corollary number 1:

  • WEAR COMFORTABLE SHOES!

My calves are killing me two days later because I have those stupid “walking in sand! Tone your butt!” sneakers. Yeah, it’s toned. Great. I can’t walk today because I spent two and a half hours in line. Comfortable shoes and clothes. Seriously. You’re going to be here for 8+ hours.

 Day One Results:

SPARKLE (Pre-Show)

Mia Yim and Taylor Made def. Mena Libra and Maya Svensson.
Pretty good dark match, obviously cut a little short by all the delays. Kind of funny that Mia, Mena, and Maya’s names are all pronounced similarly. Made chanting kind of awkward.

The Swede and the Svelte.

SHIMMER Volume 33

Show opened with a 10 bell salute to Luna Vachon and another worker that I didn’t catch the name of. Can anyone in the comments help me with that?

1. Jessica James & Rachel Summerlyn def. Athena & Bonesaw Jessie Brooks.
Athena was a big surprise. I’d heard people rave about her, but never seen her work. She’s really good and really gets what she’s going for.

2. Cat Power def. Jamilia Craft.
Loved Cat batting at Jamilia’s tassels. She also gets it.

Amber tries to interview Jessie McKay, but Madison Eagles tells her to get lost and takes over the interview.


3. Allison Danger def. Leva Bates

Post match Danger says she makes stars and totally puts over Leva. Veronika Vice runs in, but this isn’t Danger’s first rodeo. Danger stops her and asks why she’s here. Veronika wants her shot. They’ll have a match on Volume 34.
A little confusing. Not everyone, (me and Cewsh especially,) knew who Veronika was. The guy next to me also pointed out that her merch was set up, so it wasn’t a big surprise for people who did recognize her. Still, the segment got Leva super over and set up a story line.

4. Melanie Cruise def. Taylor Made.
Cruise might be the third most over heel in the company. She’s really getting fantastic. It was pretty much a squash. As the Sassy Black Woman behind me said, “That girl eeeeevil.”

Melissa appears on the video screen. Cuts a pretty short promo on Eagles. Gist: she’s going home with gold tonight.

5. Misaki Ohata def. Ariel.
I’m not a big fan of Ariel, but she turned it out. Cewsh felt like there was some miscommunication, but I didn’t notice. I’ll have to see it  on DVD.

Kellie Skater comes out and challenges anyone in the locker room. Serena runs out to answer her.


6. Serena def. Kellie Skater.
Absolutely phenomenal. One of the most amazing, emotional moments. Serena got the biggest pop of the entire weekend and a slew of chants. “Welcome home” was the big one. She was very gracious and blew kisses and looked like she  cried a little.
 
7. Sara Del Rey def. Nevaeh.
I still don’t see much in Nevaeh and she’s not very over. Del Rey got bigger pops. Especially from Sassy Black Lady who spun me around to tell me “That’s my girl! That’s my girl, Del Rey!”

Nikki comes out for an interview with Amber. She’s been with the company for years and wants a title shot.I doubt she’ll get it.
 
8. Jessie McKay def. Nicole Matthews.
Good showing for Jessie. Set up the Jessie story for the rest of the tapings, but of course we didn’t know that.

9.Ayumi Kurihara def. Daizee Haze.
Daizee is UNBELIEVABLY over as a heel. I could have never expected it. Speaking of Daizee, Lesson Number 2 of Shimmer:

  • The camera adds 10 pounds and 5 years.

Seriously, seeing Daizee on DVD, I have trouble believing she’s only 27. Besides being around forever, she just looks older than that. In person, it’s all makeup and harsh lighting. Plus, she’s about as big around as my pinkie and tiny short. All of the girls are completely gorg in real life, even the heels who’d rather you’d didn’t know that.

A Compliment?  For Me?

10. Ayako Hamada def. Tomoka Nakagawa
Best match of the taping. Hamada stole the show, again. I can’t gush enough about her. Also, I was completely star-struck every time she came by and may have almost fainted when she put her arm around me for a photo. 

11. Madison Eagles def. Cheerleader Melissa
Really good match, although overshadowed by the previous. Shocking no one, Melissa is the most over face, besides the returning Serena. Shocking everyone, Madison is the top heel and….

  • Madison Eagles absolutely belongs as Champion.
  •  

    Even If Her Look Is More Than A Little Confusing.

    Hear me out rabid Melissa fans. Melissa will be over with or without the belt. Madison needs the belt right now and she’s doing amazing things with it.

    Stepping On Everyone On Her Way To The Top.





    Intermission:

    It was really crazy. People EVERYWHERE, pushing, no real lines. I bought three shirts, so I could have a different one on for each DVD. Way more stuff than I was expecting and good prices. Obviously the lower/mid-card girls were a little more chipper, spent a little more time interacting with fans. I could have gotten more, but guys, please. Don’t be that guy.

    • That guy. Don’t be him.

    He’s learing. He’s mouth breathing. Is he..is he petting that 8×10? He’s That Guy. Look, they’re gorgeous women. They’re great athletes. And they’re talking to you. I get it. I’m star-struck too. BUT FUCKING MOVE YOU DUMB FUCK. Buy your stuff and move. Exchange pleasantries while she makes your change. Do not just stand there telling Tenille about your cat for five minutes while a huge queue forms. She’s losing sales and we’re losing patience.

    Shimmer Lesson Number 5:

    • Pace yourself! We still have another show today and I’m already hoarse.

    Learn from my mistake, ducklings.

    SHIMMER Volume 34.
     
    1. Kellie Skater def. Jamilia Craft with a running neck snap.
    …Oh, this happened? I forgot.


    2. Melanie Cruise def. Leva Bates
    Danger’s promo put Leva over. She came out dressed as Iron Man and got some of the best chants of the weekend. I really hope Dun-Duh-Duh-Da-Da! comes across on DVD.

    Iron Maiden.

    3. Nikki Roxx def. Misaki Ohata
    Pretty good match. Nikki’s really sweet and Ohata’s way over.

    4. Daffney def. Neveah

    You’re Welcome, Vice.



    5. Veronika Vice def. Allison Danger


    6. Tenille def. Daizee Haze
    Really quick match, surprising to see Tenille go over. Daizee was apparently hurt, although she seemed fine after the show so hopefully it was just a stinger.


    7. The Canadian Ninjas def. Rachel & Jessica’s Excellent Tag Team to retain the SHIMMER Tag Team Championship
    Seemed like the Ninjas might finally lose, but Daffney ran down to continue her feud with Rachel. I was wearing my Rachel and Jessica’s Egg-cellent Tag Team Shirt! Love them.

    Love Her.

    8. Melissa def. Tomoka Nakagawa
    Another great great match. Nakagawa is my favorite of the joshis. Even with the language barrier, she never flounders and she makes the crowd hate her. Plus, she stole some guys water to spit at Melissa. You can’t buy that kind of improv. 

    Serena comes out and cuts a great promo, but is interrupted by Portia with one of the greatest promos of all time. Seriously, this girl is one of the greatest mouths in history. Sets up a great looking feud.

    9. Tenille def. Athena
    This will probably replace the Daizee match since the end was flubbed. Again, both women are great for their age and experience level. Tenille’s bridging Indian Deathlock is pretty over.



    10. Jessie McKay def. Sara Del Rey & Hamada
    I cannot begin to describe to you how fan-fucking-tastic this match is. Hamada is soooooooo over and the match made Jessie a credible threat to the champ. Watch it watch it watch it watch it watch it.

    11. Madison Eagles def. Ayumi Kurihara 
     I thought it was just OK, but again I didn’t pace myself for it. I’ll need to see it again. The most memorable part was after the pin. The crowd boos and Madison yells, “Why are you still booing me?!” Someone yells, “We don’t like you!”. Someone else, “Because you’re mean!”. Madison looks at the crowd, down at Ayumi, and slowly shakes her hand. “There!”


    She’s become so impressive. Really. Seriously.


    Afterparty:

     OK, so I thought the women were intimidating at intermission? I cannot explain to you what I felt when Melissa walked up to my table to ask if I enjoyed the show. Again, some of the women like Rachel or Daffney, totally approachable. Melissa IS her character and she’s just as intense out of the ring. Very sweet though, had a nice chat with Cewsh about his joshi shirt. I just squeaked at her. Shimmer Lesson Number 6:

    • Go to the afterparties!

    Not only does it give money to the sponsor, it’s a really fun and unique experience. I gave fries to Joey Eastman, Cewsh shook hands with Dave Prazak, Melissa stopped by to chat with us, I got a thumbs up from Rachel, and we listened to Daffney tell stories for ages. Plus she showed me pictures of her cat.

    CEWSH FOR THE WIN.

    Day Two Results:

    SPARKLE
    Maya Svensson def. Mia Yim.
    Not as good as yesterday’s match. Maya doesn’t seem ready.

     SHIMMER Volume 35

     1. Melanie Cruise def. Jessica James. 

    2. Mercedes Martinez def. Misaki Ohata. 
    Mercedes looked really good. Great smile, again, very gracious to the fans. I never got the feeling that any of the girls didn’t want to be there. She held Ohata up for a brainbuster for at least 30 seconds. The crowd went nuts.

    3. Tomoka Nakagawa and Daizee Haze def. Pretty Bitchin’ (Nikki Roxx and Ariel)
    Maybe even a better heel tag team than the Ninjas. I hope they keep tagging forever because they played off each other great. Someone brought Daizee a sandwich and she used it as a prop for the whole match AND she did Nakagawa’s water spit. Really great. Plus Nakagawa trying to count the pin for Daizee when the ref was distracted? Gold.

     How Bitchin’ Exactly?  Eh, Pretty Bitchin’  Not SUPER Bitchin’

    4. Allison Danger def. Veronika Vice 
    Still kind of eh. It’s a pretty good story, but I’m not sure how I feel about Veronika yet.
     

    In This Picture, Like In The Match, She’s Just Kind Of There.

    Jessie has a really good promo about how Madison was her trainer and her friend, but she doesn’t even recognize her now.

    5. Portia Perez def. Serena via crossface submission. 
    Nicole interfered so Portia could choke Serena out. Serena, still super over. Portia, still super over. Exciting.

    6. Amazing Kong def. Kellie Skater. 
    Skater says Serena didn’t beat her because it was a fast count. She calls out another challenger. 

    What’s The Worst That Could Happen?

    It’s Kong! Big pop, nice match with some good comedy spots. I wish I could’ve got a shot of Kong stealing Skater’s pose.

    Madison says everyone is out to get her. She clearly did not turn face last night.
     
    7. Sara Del Rey def. Rachel Summerlyn. 
    Rachel holds her own very well, despite Del Rey threatening to break her pinkie. She may have even squeaked out a win, but Daffney ran out to distract her.
     

    Dastardly!

    8. Hamada def. Nicole Matthews via Hamada Driver. 
    Slightly disappointing for Hamada. It’s good, but I don’t feel like the styles meshed. It wasn’t a classic.

    9. Ayumi Kurihara def. Cheerleader Melissa. 
    Good match, spilled out onto the outside. Crowd was really into it. Really nice hug at the end.

     Amazing.

    10. Madison Eagles def. Jessie McKay
    Where did this match come from? It was the match of the volume, even with Hamada, Kurihara, and Melissa below it. I mean Jessie was a jobber in April and now she is a main even star. Thank you Jessie.

    SHIMMER Volume 36

    1. Mercedes Martinez def. Nikki Roxx with the fisherman buster
    Wrong choice for an opener. The crowd wasn’t ready for it, sat on their hands. Nikki needed a win if they’re going to push her to main event status.

    2. Jamilia Craft def. Bonesaw 
    Not very good. Bonesaw could use a vet to guide her. 

    3. Mena Libra def. Taylor Made
    Another rookie match? People in the crowd are starting to grumble. Mena looked pretty good. I’m not sure I see it in Taylor.

    Amber Gertner comes to the ring to conduct an interview with Sara Del Rey. Del Rey sends her away and calls out Serena. She tells Serena that no one wants her here. The crowd chants “Yes we do!”. Madison comes out to back Del Rey. Melissa backs Serena. Nakagawa and Daizee come out for the heels, Hamada and Kurihara for the faces. Finally Bryce runs out and announces we’re having an 8-woman Shim-vivor Series.

    4. Leva Bates def. Cat Power
    Leva continues to be massively over, but the crowd is still not loving this undercard. Leva had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction. I hope that’s not what everyone takes away on DVD.

    5. Veronika Vice def. Jessica James
    Not very good. Really starting to hurt the crowd.
     
    6. Misaki Ohata def. Kellie Skater
    Oh thank god. Really fun, really good. Everyone is on the same page, fans are hot. Skater got a really great “Tap!” chant.

    7. Nevaeh def. Athena
    Nevaeh got a bit more reaction today.

    8. Canadian Ninjas def. Tenille & McKay to retain. 
    Nicole played an AMAZING chicken. Kind of formulaic, but really highlighted McKay. Tenille looked good too.

    9. Rachel Summerlyn def. Daffney
    Hardcore I Quit match with a lot of weapons involved. I can’t comment too much, because most of it took place on the floor on the opposite side from me. What I saw was good, crowd was super into it. Rachel got hard wayed, but didn’t let it phase her. The end did come kind of out of nowhere from my perspective.

     “She’s A Devil Woman!” – Sassy Black Lady

     Close Enough To Reach Out And Feel Sorry For.

    10. Ayumi Kurihara, Cheerleader Melissa, Hamada & Serena def. Daizee Haze, Madison Eagles, Sara Del Rey & Tomoka Nakagawa 
    Best match of the weekend. Wouldn’t change a thing. 

    Okay kittens, that’ll do for our recap. We’ll also review one or more of the DVDs when they actually come out. You should buy them so you can follow along. Plus, you can play Spot the Cewshs. It’ll be a game. You’ll enjoy it. And Shimmer can afford to keep paying these fantastic women. Now have some assorted pictures.
      

    TNA No Surrender 2010

    Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

    TNA NO SURRENDER 2010

    Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of your very favorite stock option advice resource, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we head on down to Florida for TNA’s No Surrender 2010 PPV, and let me tell you, we are hyped. For many wrestling fans WWE is the only game in town, so they know well the phenomenon of the Road To Wrestlemania, the three months leading from the Royal Rumble to Wrestlemania. Well TNA doesn’t have a road, persay, but it’s safe to say that we are on the dirt road clogged with hillbillies selling moonshine out of the back of their broken down pick up trucks of Bound For Glory. TNA’s show of shows is one month away, and after the major shakeup of recent weeks, with the invasion of EC…EV 2,0 and the reinvasion of Fortune, not to mention the vacant World Championship after Rob Van Dam was forced to vacate (because they used up all of the dates on his contract a month before their biggest show of the year), things are getting crazy. So how will this show do at getting us hyped for the big time next month? Only one way to find out.

    So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

    Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

    Cewsh:


    Segment 2 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – The Motor(boating) City Machine Guns (c) vs. Generation Me(atloaf).

    Vice:

    Cewsh:

    No Contest Following Five More Minutes.

    Segment 3 – TNA X Division Championship – Doug (Half Mast) Williams (c) vs. (The Muslim Assassin) Sabu.

    Cewsh:

    Vice:

    No Contest Following 5 More Minutes.

    Segment 4 – (Red) Velvet (Cake) Sky w/ Angelina Love vs. Madison (Goddess) Rayne w/ Tara.

    Cewsh:

    Vice:

    No Contest Following 5 More Minutes.


    Segment 5 – The Creatures Of The Burger Bite.
    Cewsh:

    Segment 6 – Abyss (The Black Hole Of This Promotion) vs. Rhino (I Stand Corrected).
    Vice:
    Cewsh:
    No Contest Following Five More Minutes.
    Segment 7 – Team Perfect Strangers (Samoa Joe and Jeff Jarrett) vs. The Shuffleboard (Kevin Nash and Sting).
    Cewsh:
    Vice:
    No Contest Following Five More Minutes.
    Segment 8 – I Quit Match – AJ (I’m Doing What Now) Styles vs. Tommy (Business As Usual) Dreamer.
    Cewsh:
    Vice:
    No Contest Following Five More Minutes.
    Segment 9 – Kurt Angle OR THORIN GREYBEARD?
    Cewsh:

    Segment 10 – TNA World Championship Tournament Semi Finals – Kurt (The Greatest) Angle vs. Jeff (The Highest) Hardy.
    Cewsh:
    Vice:
    No Contest Following Five More Minutes…And Then Another Five Just To Be Sure.
    Segment 11 – The Pope Is Missing His Hat.
    Cewsh:
    Segment 12 – TNA World Championship Semi Finals – Mr. (Tibbs) Anderson vs. (Man Whatever Happened To The R&B Singer) D’Angelo Dinero.

    Vice:

    Cewsh:

    No Contest Following Five More Minutes Of Absolutely Nothing.

    —————————————–

    Cewsh’s Conclusion:

    Cewsh: So yeah, not buying it are you? Don’t worry, we’ll be doing a real review too, coming up soon, but this was just too much fun to resist. VIVA LA FACEPLAM.

    Vice’s Verdict:

    Vice:

    Well boys and girls…yeah that was really something. Next week you can expect the golden glow of WWE Night Of Champions, but there’s so much to do this week that WHO CARES MAN, we could all be under the thumb of the fascist oppessor by then. So kick back, enjoy life in the moment, and keep an eye out for the real TNA No Surrender 2010 review in the days to come, go check out Part 2 of our Top Ten list of the Biggest Surprises In Wrestling History on the blog right now, and keep an eye out for another eye popping, brain filling, soul orgasming Supplement coming to you this Sunday.

    So please forgive us, keep reading, and as always, be good to one another.

    Especially us.

    The Top 10 Biggest Surprises In Wrestling History

    Aloha, cats and kittens, and welcome to a special Thursday edition of Sunday Supplements, with your dazzling, incorrigible, and entirely resplendent host, Victor Von Cewshenstein.  You may be wondering what has prompted such an unusual act of a Supplement being posted in place of a review, though more realistically you may really be wondering how a Supplement got posted at all.  Touche there, smart aleck, but the gist is this.  We, the captains of the S.S. Cewsh Reviews, are occasionally kind of dumb.  In this instance we were so absolutely certain that this was, in fact, already the second week of September, that we have been left entirely unprepared for this week’s review.  Shameful, I know, but it has provided a unique opportunity for this Supplement to actually see the light of day and not sit wallowing in captive obscurity until the end of time.

    So begging your pardon, I hope you will bear with us and enjoy this supplement.  It should be pretty self explanatory.  I have rounded up what I feel are the ten biggest surprises in wrestling history.  These are things that not only shocked us at the time, but were also total unforeseeable and left an impact on the wrestling business that reverberated throughout every aspect of it for years, and even generations, afterward.  These are the what the fuck moments that have defined the past 20 years.

    And believe me, these don’t even begin to cover it.

    10.  Brock Lesnar Leaves Wrestling For The NFL

    Brock Lesnar was the surest thing imaginable.  The most absurdly jacked and credible looking performer that the WWE ever got their hands on, who got a reaction from the crowd as a face and a heel, and who soaked up wrestling at an absurd rate, the man seemed to have absolutely nothing standing in the way of becoming the single biggest star of this generation.  WWE management certainly agreed, as they wasted absolutely no time, having him win the King of the Ring in 2002.  Then, subsequently, he beat the Rock clean at Summerslam for the Undisputed Championship, to become the youngest world champion in WWE history at the age of 25.  After that he just never slowed down.  After feuding with the Undertaker and beating him in his own signature Hell in a Cell match and beating the likes of  Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit and The Big Show, Brock was firmly established at the top as he capped off his first year on the main roster by main eventing Wrestlemania XIX against Angle.  Nobody had ever gotten a push like this, and nobody had ever been a bigger sure thing for Hall of Fame status.

    So when Wrestlemania XX rolled around and we learned out of nowhere that he had decided that he didn’t like wrestling anymore and instead wanted to live out his dream of becoming a professional football player, people were shocked.  Sure guys like Hulk Hogan and the Rock had gone into movies, but that was a connection people could make.  Lesnar was willing to give up being the biggest star in professional wrestling to be a walk on on an NFL team with practically no football experience?  People were livid.  Considering that you’re dealing with an audience that will call you a sell out for just trying to make a decent living half the time, this behavior was met with outright scorn from every corner of the wrestling world.  The result was Lesnar’s last match in WWE turning into this:

    Skip To About 4:30.

    So with that debacle behind him, he went to the NFL and, well, he didn’t make it.  He briefly returned to wrestling, in Japan, but it was a disaster also and he soon left there too.  Lately he’s been doing some sort or fighting thing I hear?  I’m sure it’s just a fad though, and that he’s not too good at it.  Probably looks something like this.

     
    Good Lord He Has Let Himself Go.

    (I’m joking, good god Vice would murder me for even suggesting such a thing).

    In the end, the sudden departure of Brock Lesnar led to the rise of John Cena and Batista to fill the void he left, and initiated a restructuring of the WWE that still goes on today.  Not only that, but his fame and status there helped him become the biggest name in Mixed Martial Arts, and the UFC in particular, a sport that is now routinely kicking the WWE’s dick in the dirt.  The departure was sudden, the effects were widespread, and the man….well, i’ll let you decide that one for yourself.


    9.  The Continued Existence Of Total Nonstop Action

    Total Nonstop Action opened it’s doors on May 10, 2002.  By May 11th, people were certain that it was about to go bankrupt and close.  Now here, over eight years later, you still hear the same thing on a nearly daily basis.  So what makes this surprise stack up against the others on this list?  Simple.  Those fans are right.

    In the eight years that TNA has been an active promotion they have made incredible leaps of progress, going from a weekly PPV model to a television show and monthly international PPVs, but they have also had hideous failures.  The move to Monday nights, the booking regimes of Vince Russo (the first time) and Dusty Rhodes, and the family feud between Jeff and Jerry Jarrett that nearly buried TNA before it even got started.  Somehow it has persevered through all of this to continue existing and being the lightning bolt of controversy it is today.

    So we know that it’s surprising that it has lasted in a wrestling world post Monday Night Wars where nothing is thriving, even the WWE, but why is it impactful also?  Simple.  If TNA didn’t make it, if one single thing had gone wrong at the wrong time, then the second biggest wrestling promotion in the United States as of today, would be Wrestlicious.

    Yes THAT Wrestlicious.  Look it Up.

    Think about that next time you root for them to fail.

    8.  The Montreal Screwjob

    It’s hard to believe that any wrestling fan could possibly have not heard the story of what happened nearly 13 years ago now in the city of Montreal, but i’ll summarize.  Bret Hart, the WWE champion at the time, signed a contract to go to WCW.  The trouble for the WWE (WWF at the time) was that he refused to lose it to one single man on the entire roster, and it was the only guy they wanted to put it on.  Bret Hart hated Shawn Michaels, and the feeling was very much mutual, so they worked out a plan to have them have a match right before Bret left, but to have Bret lose the belt on Raw the next night before he left instead of losing it to Shawn.  Especially central to this was the idea that Bret Hart desperately did not want to lose the title in Montreal, where he was hailed as a goddamn national hero.  Like fucking Marmaduke.

     He’s Got 99 Problems, But A Bitch Aint One.

    Handshakes were made, promises were promised, and they went out to have their match.  Shawn and Bret had a good little match for awhile, until finally Shawn put Bret into Bret’s own Sharpshooter submission move.  Within seconds of him applying it Earl Hebner called for the bell, awarded the match and the title to Shawn, and they named him the new champion.  Only one problem.

    Bret Hart hadn’t tapped out.

    Then fucking chaos erupted.  Shawn looked incredibly confused by all of it (which was later revealed to be an act since he had known about it all along) and Bret immediately spit in Vince McMahon’s face, knowing that he was behind it.  After the match Bret punched Vince directly in the face, left for WCW, and never stepped foot in a WWE ring until this very year.

    Was it surprising?  Fuck, for some people this was the first time that wrestling had truly broken kayfabe and been part of real life.  No casual fan could possibly have expected what they saw that night, or that Bret Hart, a hero to many for over a decade, would disappear without a trace immediately after.  It was so confusing and shocking that people would not let it go, talking about it in every corner or the wrestling world right up until Bret and Vince’s tearful reunion on Raw.

    Ah, Just Like Old Times.

    So aside from being surprising, what came of all this?  Well for starters this:

    Which led to this:

    Which led to a great deal of this:

    7.  Eddie Guerrero Dies Of Heart Failure Mid Main Event Push

    Welcome to the saddest entry in this article.

    All throughout his career, Eddie Guerrero had a stigma attached to him.  He was widely recognized as one of the greatest wrestlers in the world, maybe one of the best of all time, but a combination of drug and alcohol issues and a lack of personality kept him from ever truly reaching the big time.  He was the straight man in Los Gringos Locos with Art Barr, he toiled in the midcard in WCW, and when he made it to WWE and started to show some life as “Latino Heat” he got busted for drugs and fired.  Along the way he had marital issues, survived a hellacious car accident, and fought his demons within and without, somehow managing to make a reputation as one of the kindest and best men in the wrestling business in the process.  Nobody had a harder road to make it to the top than Eddie Guerrero.  Nobody seemed like a longer shot to achieve the highest honors in the wrestling business.  Nobody thought that this would ever happen.

    But It Did.  And It Was Awesome.

    His reign didn’t last too long, but it didn’t matter.  Eddie had made it, and he was a main eventer finally after all of his struggle, and the fans embraced him like they had rarely done for anyone in wrestling history.  They let Eddie Guerrero into their hearts, and made him their hero.  He was on a roll, and about to enter into the storyline that would grant him his second World title, when on November 13th, 2005, Chavo found him unconscious in his hotel room.  Eddie was taken to the hospital but could not be revived.  And just like that, Eddie Guerrero was gone.

    A lot of wrestlers have died over the years, many of them due to drugs or other kinds of drugs, but nobody who was this beloved had ever died while in their prime and at the top of the wrestling business, and the shock of it sent waves throughout the wrestling business as a whole.  From the advent of the Wellness policy, to the mainstream media’s greater focus on wrestling in a negative light, from the main event push of Rey Mysterio to the birth of one of the greatest heels of our generation in Vickie Guerrero, Eddie Guerrero’s death impacted a lot of things that would come later in the future (including another entry later on this list).  But ultimately none of that is what is important.  The truth is that when Eduardo “Eddie Guerrero” Llanes died, he took something magical with him, that can never be replaced.  And to this day whenever the fans hear the name “Eddie Guerrero” they will spontaneously, and passionately, chant the name of their hero.

    Eddie.

    Warning:  Do Not Watch This In Public.  You Will Cry.
    6.  Hulk Hogan Turns Heel And Changes The Wrestling Industry

    Hulk Hogan.  A name synonymous with wrestling and synonymous with the WWE, he was the man who really put the whole deal on the map.  Hulkamania in the 80s was a period of unparalleled success and prosperity as Hogan almost singlehandedly carried professional wrestling into the mainstream on his back, putting his red and yellow mark on the heart of every little boy in this country.  It was a great time, he was a great babyface, and he was the biggest star in the world.  But that was the 80s.

    The 90s saw ever diminishing returns for Hulk Hogan, as made movies like Suburban Commando and Santa With Muscles that were not only reviled by anyone with a pulse, but which left him nothing outside of wrestling to really pursue.  That was also a problem because wrestling wasn’t going so hot for him.  Hulkamania had run it’s course and time was passing him by.  He was on the outs with WWE and Vince McMahon, and WCW wasn’t even an option at the time for anyone who wanted to make actual money.  He retired and swore off of the business forever.  That is, until he got a phone call from WCW’s new executive producer.  An enterprising young genius named Eric Bischoff.  Bisch, with liberal doses of Ric Flair’s persuading, convinced Hulk Hogan to sign with WCW, and all was well again for a little while.  But eventually even this new fanbase tired of Hulkmania, and interest dipped again.  Faced with the decision to change with the times or become irrelevant, Hulk Hogan did the only thing he could do.

    He turned heel.

    Chills.
    This turned out to be exactly the jumpstart both Hulk Hogan and WCW needed, and with his new stable the New World Order, Hulk Hogan proceeded to lead WCW to conquer WWE in the ratings, become the number one promotion in the free world, and change the wrestling business as we know it.  He babyface resurgence later, and his continued status as a household name are testaments to the success of both the heel turn, and his abilities as a character, but when he was revealed as the third man on that fateful night at Bash At The Beach 1996, the wrestling world lurched and shifted, and it would never be the same again.

    5.  The Success Of Wrestlemania

    After Vince McMahon took over control of the then WWWF from his father Vince Sr, there weren’t a whole lot of people who were hugely pleased with the development.  The new Vince was a brash young man with new ideas about shaking up the way that the entire country, nay, the world saw professional wrestling.  Namely he wanted them to see it through him.  He bought up all the best talent from all of the top territories, he convinced regional television markets to replace the territory’s shows with his nicer and glitzier ones, and he started experimenting with cable and television on a national level as a means to grow his business greater.  But despite his successes towards making the newly christened WWF a national product, he still needed one big punch to send it into mainstream awareness and to put him definitively ahead and above of the competition.

    That punch, he decided, would be Wrestlemania.  The first true wrestling PPV.

    PPV, as a concept had been flirted with before, but nobody, especially nobody in the wrestling world, had ever attempted to do anything with it on so grand a scale as this would be.  Vince McMahon put all of his eggs in one basket and gambled the future of the WWF, and perhaps of wrestling itself, on the success of one incredible supershow.  He rolled the dice, and he won.  Now, coming up on Wrestlemania XXVII, it’s safe to say that Wrestlemania has been professional wrestling biggest, and most enduring, success story.  But way back before March 31st, 1985 nobody could have expected something with so many questions to have even the slightest chance of succeeding.  Would PPV reach enough homes to make it worth while?  Would people come to the stadiums to watch it on closed circuit television?  Would a main event featuring Mr. T, a nonwrestler, have any hope to draw wrestling fans?  Could this concept actually succeed in the long term?

    Well here’s a picture from just two years later.  You tell me.

    In Fairness, They Also Had A Moonbounce There.  That Could Explain It.
    4.  Magnum T.A.’s Career Ending Car Accident


    Many of you reading this are probably barely old enough to remember when Cory and Topanga finally got it on on Boy Meets World, much less dramatic events that unfolded in the mid 1980s.  So you can be excused for not being aware of this event or its significance at the time.  But let me make this clear to you, Magnum T.A. was going to be a huge star.  Hell, he was already halfway there.  Through his steady push throughout the early 80s and through his NWA United States championship feud with Nikita Koloff, he had all the hallmarks of being one of the biggest stars of his, or any, generation.  He had fire, he had the fans, he had balls, and he was the first man ever to lay hands on an authority figure when he decked Bob Geigel, NWA president, for reprimanding him after he attacked Koloff in a press conference in defense of his wife.  I believe the quote “Reprimand this.” reverberated through he galaxy that day.
    The Mustache Alone Makes Him Beyond Reproach, Fools.
    It was planned for him to win the feud and then to be groomed for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship, an epic win over Ric Flair and a feud with his best friend Dusty Rhodes seemed to be crystal clear ahead of him.  And then tragedy struck.  On October 14th, 1986, Magnum T.A. lost control of his Porche, and veered off the road into a tree.  Two of his vertebra literally exploded upon impact, and doctors were certain that he’d never walk again, much less wrestle.  While he was holed up in the hospital in near coma like conditions, the hospital became besieged by well wishers both via the phones (which were actually disconnected for the night to discourage people from calling) and people camped out in the parking lot by firelight waiting for any word of their hero.  Never before had such an incredible showing of love and support been shown to a wrestler’s misfortune, and it would not again for some time.
    Oh, and as for Magnum, he may never have wrestled again, but one year later he made his return, confounding doctors and family alike, by walking perfectly, and delivering a promo on the ACTUAL FOR REAL NEWS about his comeback.  Imagine that today.  Just try.

    Eddie Guerrero’s death was during a main event push may have been more shocking in the moment than this was, and it’s entirely possible that it could deserve to move ahead of this on another man’s list.  But this was going to be the NWA’s answer to Hulk Hogan, and was showing every possible sign of working, until tragedy struck.  WHo can say how the wrestling world would look today, if Magnum T.A. had caught a ride with a friend that day?  Nobody knows, and nobody ever will.


    3.  WWE Purchases WCW

    It was a sight that nobody ever could have dreamed of.  Actually, that’s not quite right, because nearly everyone had dreamed of it, but nobody could possibly have expected it to actually happen.  But on March 21st, 2001 the impossible happened.  Shane McMahon stepped out into the live arena, live on the final episode of WCW Monday Nitro and announced that the company now belonged to him, and they were declaring war on the WWE.  And from that point on, wrestling shifted forever.

    That Sound Would Be Millions Of Jaws Hitting The Floor.

    To understand what made this a big deal, you have to understand the outlook of wrestling in the United States in the 80s and 90s.  It was a two horse show, all the way throw wrestling’s two biggest boom period as first the NWA and the WWF and then WCW and the WWF butted heads in a never ending feud over supremacy of the wrestling business, and boy was it tense.  Attempts to sabotage one another were common, and their lawyers must have sent Christmas cards to one another after all of the time they spent together.  But throughout it all, the fans are the ones who prospered, having two wrestling promotions competing and bringing out the best (and raunchiest) in one another.  All throughout that time, also, fans of each promotion dreamed to the matches that may be.  Steve Austin vs. Goldberg, The Rock vs. Hollywood Hulk Hogan, DX vs. The Outsiders.  Entire magazines stayed afloat simply by eternally perpetuating these fantasies, and as WCW fans watched their product slowly slide into oblivion as 2000 slipped into 2001, those dreams seemed about as far away as The Orion Nebula.

    But oh how fast things can change.  Vince bought WCW, and within months the dreamed of invasion was on in force, followed by a metric fuckton of new talent, which then prompted the brand split, which brought about the new generation getting a healthy push which led to…you get the idea.  If you want to find to one branching point from which all of WWE, and perhaps all of professional wrestling, have grown in the 21st, look no further.  No modern act has had such a profound impact on the wrestling business as this one…

    2.  The Wellness Panic


    …unless maybe it’s this one.
    This is going to be a hard entry to talk about, because the issue still continues on today, and we can’t even imagine what the ultimate outcome of it will turn out to be in the end.  And that’s not even mentioning the very real emotions that a large percentage of people still have wrapped up in these events.  I will try to explain as gently as I can.
    On June 27th, 2007, police entered the home of Chris Benoit after he and his wife had failed to meet to contact demands required of couples with a history of domestic violence violations.  Inside the home they found Chris Benoit’s lifeless corpse, and the bodies of his wife, Nancy, and their son, Daniel.  Benoit, who has previously been one of the single most loved and respected wrestlers in the history of the business, had been scheduled, to the best of our knowledge, to win the ECW World Championship that weekend, and despite his no show, none of his friends, family or co workers had even the slightest clue that anything was wrong.   The WWE even ran a tribute show to Benoit on Monday, before the details were fully clear on what had happened.  The truth came out, though.  One of the biggest stars on the modern era was not only shockingly dead, he was a murderer.  The impact was immediate and catastrophic.
     Overnight the mainstream media outlets picked up on the story of the murderous wrestler.  Did he have roid rage?  Couldn’t WWE have seen this coming?  Why didn’t WWE do more to prevent this?   Even worse, ex wrestlers like Marc Mero crawled out the woodwork to point the finger in Vince McMahon’s direction and at the wrestling business in general, vilifying it as a soul crushing, body killing death trap.  
    Don’t Worry Though, He Always Made A Better Heel Anyway.
    WWE found itself besieged on all sides by hostile and condescending attention, proving the adage that there is no such thing as bad publicity wrong once and for all.  The expunged Benoit’s name from the record books, from the histories, and even from their publications.  Chris Benoit disappeared like a ghost, never to be seen or heard from again.
    Fast forward to today, and we are still in the midst of one of the biggest and most comprehensive shifts in philosophy and talent in wrestling history.  WWE has gone PG and toned their product down.  They have eliminated chair shots to the head (believed to be a leading contributor to Benoit’s brain damage at the time of his death), they have done away with blood and cut back hugely on dangerous spots.  They’ve extended an open invitation to any wrestler to ever pass through their doors to come get treatment for addiction, and the roster is now openly and clearly much less muscular and ripped than in the company’s history.  As a result smaller guys are getting bigger pushes, new talent is getting a chance to shine, and WWE is targeting an entirely new audience while TNA strains to collect the audience they’ve left behind as the 18-30 demographic flees in droves for the crystal shores of UFC.
    It is impossible to see where this is all taking us for here on.  But for sheer shock in the moment, and long ranging effects, this was a life changer for nearly everyone who experienced it.  Luck willing, we will never feel the need to repeat it.



    1.  That It Is Still Here At All

    Because seriously.  What HASN’T it survived so far?

    A century of everything from World Wars to economic recessions.  From steroid scandals to the revelations that the matches were fixed.  From the territories to MMA, and from drugs to backyard wrestling, professional wrestling has weathered every storm imaginable.  As time goes on and wrestling continues to…well…continue, it becomes more and more clear that there may very well be nothing that could put a definitive end to this sport/hobby/homoerotic touching of ours, and that will ever remain the hope.  That one day we will be able to sit grandchildren on our knee (our own, hopefully) and introduce them to wrestling the way we were.

    The never ending tradition, of men in their underwear pretending to fight.

    We hope you liked our countdown of the 10 Biggest Surprises in Wrestling History, and indeed, it’s almost certain that you are fuming and full of things I left out and things I let in.  Naturally since i’ve got the blog here it would be easy for me to thumb my nose and say “Na na na na na” with associated tongue sticking outtedness.  But hey, let your voice be heard, send us an email, and maybe, just maybe, you can make it into the upcoming mailbag, where we will be answering question submitted by you, our dear readers.  Our Cewsh Contemporaries, our Vice Villains and our Ms. Cewsh Super Cutes.  God help us, the comments are moderated but the emails wont be.  So send them in and get on with your day.  Oh, and like the Master Chief here, enjoy your Labor Day Night and chilllllllllll.