Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the milkshake that bring all the smarks to the yard, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we grab our floaties, and Matt Striker plaid bathing suits and dive into the deep end with WWE’s Summerslam 2010! The year’s second biggest show is at hand and the WWE is absolutely buzzing with questions. What will happen with the Nexus? Who will be the seventh man to join Team WWE to fight them? Will Randy Orton continue his meteoric rise in popularity, and who the fuck really beat up the Undertaker anyway? We’ve come here tonight to find some answers, and if we’re lucky, maybe we will. But whether we walk out with answers or not, one thing is certain. Somebody is getting wet.
Cewsh: I adored this video. Let me just come out and say that. When WWE does these things, they tend to go for more straightforward video packages, set to the PPVs theme. Quick, easy and informative. Nothing wrong with that. But when the big shows come around, they bust out the epicness, and this was not only not an exception, it was exemplary even for them. A narrator dramatically talking about change and building Nexus to be this unstoppable and incredibly dangerous force is great, but even better is how they sell the whole thing as if Nexus winning really well and truly would change wrestling forever and be the doom of WWE. Hell, I’m as jaded as anyone, but even I’ve got that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach about the main event and the outcome. This shit is on. Like Donkey Kong? No, man. No.
On like the motherfucking BATTLETOADS.
Ms.Cewsh: I don’t usually comment on the opening videos, but this one is ah-mazing and probably one of my favorites since I’ve been watching. Sure, the, “Oh, if they succeed…” was a bit overwrought, but it doesn’t matter because the rest of the video is so successful at making Nexus the most epic, scary thing in history. Good job.
Cewsh: Ah, here’s the deal with this match. It means absolutely nothing.
Recently Dolph Ziggler won the Intercontinental championship off of Kofi Kingston. This happened on Smackdown with little build up and has led here, to a PPV match with no real backstory, between two people who aren’t very over. Ziggler and Kofi do their best to stir things up to start the show, but it’s clear that the fans aren’t really into it, and that they are not ideal opponents for one another. They go back and forth for awhile, not really doing a whole lot of note, almost as if they’re waiting for someth…HOLY SHIT Nexus shows up and kicks both of their asses to death.
Whew, okay, hold on a minute. Kofi and Dolph are doing their thing, and the match is winding down, when suddenly Nexus storms the ring, ejects Dolph Ziggler, and kicks 18 kinds of fuck out of Kofi Kingston. Then Barrett stands over his corpse and cuts a promo about how the Nexus are united and dominant, and Team WWE can’t even get on the same page, much less win an important match. He makes a damn good point, and the fans cheerfully boo the everloving shit out of him for making it. Then they file back to the locker room, and Dolph and Kofi limp back to the back, thoroughly defeated and done for the night.
Now I know a lot of people have been banging on Nexus interfering here and ruining the match, Ms. Cewsh for one, but to me it didn’t seem like the match was going anywhere on its own anyway, and Nexus getting in some serious beatdown time is just a solid way to make them seem like even more of a threat after the last image of them we saw was them running scared from 6 members of Team WWE before they had even found the seventh. So yeah, they beat everyone up, Barrett continues to look like a golden god, and we get just that much more hype for a main event that is about ready to explode. I can dig it.
Plus, These Dudes Just Look Like Pimp Ass Motherfuckers.
Props for the angle. Not so much for the match.
64 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: We don’t get Smackdown right now, so I had no idea Ziggles took the belt off Kofi. That’s very exciting. Sadly the match is not.
It’s not terribly wrestled, and the crowd really seems to be digging Kofi, but bad announcing and a short run time make it forgettable at best. It’s a vehicle for the dirty ending, nothing more.
Nexus run out for no particular reason and beat the fuck out of Kofi. Not that I’m complaining, mind, but um, why? To send a message? To keep Kofi from being the seventh guy? I mean Barrett tries to explain, but it still doesn’t make sense to me. YOU’RE ALREADY IN THE MAIN EVENT GUYS, YOU DON’T HAVE TO TRY SO HARD.
46 out of 100.
Cewsh: Backstage, Chris Jericho is trying to convince the Miz to be the seventh man on Team WWE for tonight. Miz listens, but isn’t convinced, so Edge, in between huge bites of a Slim Jim, tries to convince him too. Miz says he’ll consider it and walks off, but not before stealing Edge’s goddamn Slim Jim. I mean, I know he’s a heel and all, but if you’re going around stealing petrified meat from your colleagues, that’s just low man.
Mmm, Room Temperature Beef Wrapped In Plastic.
Also, Miz cannot be the seventh man, because the seventh man is clearly Shiima Xion. You’re all just suckers.
Ms.Cewsh: Vice must be having an apoplexy. Twice in a row the champ is out first? Madness!
I love Alicia’s gear. It’s a super cute color on her, a very flattering cut, and she just looks adorable. Then, Melina comes out.
I’m not touching it.
The match lasts about as long as it takes for her to remove the Snuffleupagus testicles from her feet. It’s strangely paced and the chain wrestling doesn’t suit either of their styles. Melina wins, proving Alicia’s reign WAS a fluke and pretty much burying her in the process. The only good that comes out of this match is they’re probably going to unify the belts.
Cewsh: Let me go ahead and spoil this for you at the outset. This match was awful.
Look, Melina can have her moments. She’s very flexible, she knows a few rad moves, and when up against the right opponent, she can pull off a good match. But WWE seems to have this completely insane belief that she is one of the best female wrestlers on the roster, so she gets all kinds of time to do chain wrestling and all kinds of new finishing moves that the crowd never pops for because she changes it every 3 matches. Add that to the fact that Alicia has no heat (due, in part, to about 8 combined seconds of mic time since she was Edge’s wedding planner) and the fact that Melina is such an awkward babyface that it defies belief as to why they keep pushing her as one when she’d be such a great heel again, and you have a recipe for meh.
There are a lot of people out there who think that women’s wrestling, and especially WWE women’s wrestling, is terrible and that none of the performers are any good. This isn’t true. But what is true is that the entire Divas roster is full off girls who are varying degrees of very new at this, and as such each one has strengths and weaknesses. Rather than cover these weaknesses by letting them each do what they do best (Alicia can sell, Gail can have fire, Melina is a great heel with great presence, etc) they just throw them out there and ask them to wrestle for however long on every single show. As a result people get sick to death of watching them all go through growing pains, and they never get behind any of them, because they’re all presented the same. This, unlike many of the problems in wrestling that are attributed as such, is entirely the fault of the people booking and writing the product. They push women’s wrestling because they feel they should, with no interest or faith in the performers. It’s a sad thing. It really is.
After Melina wins the title (oh yeah, that happens also), LayCool come out and mock Melina since their match with Tiffany got canceled on account of insanity. As a result, LayCool beats up Alicia and Melina for awhile, and while I know that Ms. Cewsh thinks this is going somewhere, I really don’t. Can you remember how many false starts the whole Raw Divas vs. Smackdown Divas thing has had? I’ll believe it when I see it.
41 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Again, I don’t get Smackdown so I have no idea what’s going on here. When did Mercury unmask? When did PUNK unmask?! Why are we feuding with Show? Why is it a three-on-one match? I wish Smackdown had moved already so I wouldn’t be asking rhetorical questions. Barring that, the lead up video could’ve done a better job filling in the blanks for me.
Onto the match, the SES is out first, and they look damn skippy. Punk’s hair actually works. Show comes out with some badass tape on his hand, which he promptly has the ref cut off.
The SES tries to take on Show one at a time, for some reason. Shockingly, Gallows and Mercury are not equipped to take down the giant! He tosses them both out of the ring before summoning Punk. A short while, and some sick knees in the corner, later and Punk receives a similar treatment to his followers.
Serena, ever the concerned stalker, runs up and escorts Punk to the back. This leaves Mercury and Gallows to face Show alone. It doesn’t go well. Show picks up the win, ending a perfectly ordinary match. It’s refreshing after the previous two, but it’s not going to win any awards when viewed out of context.
Cewsh: First of all, I missed CM Punk wrestling so much that it tangibly harmed me.
Second of all, I really enjoy seeing the Big Show as a face. It’s so clearly who he is in real life, and he seems like such a genuinely nice guy that I can never take him seriously as a heel.
Thridly of all, um…hmm. Well there was a match here, no doubt about that. I double checked even. Some dudes did some wrestling, and it wasn’t bad or anything, but this was another match that just sort of felt like filler. This whole feud from the get go just smelled like something these guys were all doing to kill time until Punk’s arm healed up so he could get involved with something important. The whole thing suffers from the ambivalence of the crowd towards any member of the SES other than Punk, and it especially suffers due to it being a handicap match where the Big Show is constantly dominating. If Show can easily fuck up your entire stable, then why have a stable? Why not just give Big Show a big check like Ed McMahon and have him BE your stable? Hell he’s already bald to begin with.
But yeah, this match was forgettable, and is, in fact, already forgotten. It was a treasure to see Punk again, but that, as they say, is that.
69 out of 100.
Cewsh: Backstage, Kane is talking about how he’s going to mess up Rey Mysterio when all of a sudden Sheamus wanders in and starts talking ten kinds of shit about how he’s the REAL Big Red Monster. Then he refers to them both as being champions, and I realized to my shock that they were the two top champions in the entire wrestling industry. Not that I hadn’t know, but fuck man, when you see those two talking you don’t exactly immediately think “the top guys in professional wrestling”. And yet, there they are.
On another note, I’ve always wondered what is in it for Kane with the whole casket thing. The Undertaker is, well, an undertaker. He really likes caskets, makes sense. But Kane hates all of that shit, and yet he’s really into the idea of slamdunking Rey Rey into a piece of furniture and just sort of leaving him there for awhile. This being the same guy who could, theoretically, just use magic powers to set Rey on fire. I think he needs to work on his priorities.
Cewsh: Just as the Heavyweight championship match is about to start, the Miz comes down to the ring and grabs a microphone, and tells everyone that he’s trying to decide whether to join Team WWE or not. The fans, when queried, resoundingly are not enthusiastic about this idea, but naturally Miz doesn’t care. He belabors the point for awhile, being his usual charismatic, compelling self, and then he finally accepts the invitation and announces himself to be the seventh man, crushing my hopes, and the hopes of Shiima Xion fans everywhere.
Nothing ever goes my way. L
Cewsh: Alright, the heavyweight championship, the crown jewel of World Wrestling Entertainment and the greatest prize in professional wrestling. Let’s do this up with a bit of backstory.
This feud has been going on for a little bit now, and has grown out of the character that Sheamus has developed for himself over the past year. Sheamus talks a big game, is a total destroyer, and yet can never close the deal, so every single time he’ s in a title match, he wins it through entirely bullshit means, be it a DQ, or with interference or what have you. Orton, on the other hand, has become arguably the biggest babyface in professional wrestling by changing absolutely nothing about himself, and being as much of a sadistic, unpredictable prick as ever. As a result of the feud these two have had, and the wacky circumstances involved, they both agreed to the stipulations where nobody can interfere on Sheamus’ behalf without being suspended, and if Randy loses, then he never gets another title shot while Sheamus is champion. The fans are eating it up with a spoon at this point, and there is some serious heat on Sheamus, so we have ourselves the makings of one helluva match.
To start the match, these guys go head to head just trying to dominant one another. Orton outsmarts Sheamus and tries to wear him down in his methodical Randy Orton way, until Sheamus tells him to kiss a leprecock and starts beating on him mercilessly. Back and forth they go, and the crowd that was dead when the match started starts to come to life as the match goes on. Finally, with Orton’s shoulder badly damaged from the beating he sustained, he starts his comeback anyway, snaking around and hitting Sheamus with his signature moves while the crowd goes fucking nuts. From this point on in the match, the crowd, who have been on their hands all night, completely come alive, and as they crawl closer to the climax, they start to straight up come unglued. Showering Sheamus with boos, and unrelentingly cheering Orton’s every move. Try to think of the last time you saw a crowd boo the fuck out of the heel and cheer the fuck out of the face. I mean seriously, these guys are on fire.
Sheamus goes for the big kick, but Orton sidesteps and sends Sheamus into the ropes crotch first. Orton goes into his crazy mannerisms, and goes for an RKO, but Sheamus denies that shit with a wicked counter. Sheamus lifts Orton up for the Irish Curse and Orton weasels out, only to get a face full of boot from Sheamus, but even that isn’t enough to put Orton away. Sheamus and the crowd are both in total disbelief now, and Sheamus goes and grabs a chair as the crowd screams “RKO” at him. The ref yells at Sheamus and grabs the chair, prompting Sheamus to chuck him out of the ring. Sheamus turns to inflict death of Orton, and the ref calls for the bell, disqualifying him to boos and catcalls. Sheamus waits for Orton to stand up and goes for the chair shot, but Orton sidesteps it and kicks Sheamus directly in the dork. Then Orton slowly picks up the chair with that incredibly evil expression more often associated with masked psychopaths picking up power tools. He then elects to go outside the ring instead, and RKOs Sheamus on the announce table, bouncing the fella’s head off of it like a superball.
Orton wins the battle but not the war, and these two are without a doubt far from done.
Oh boy, where to begin? There are three elements to this match. The first one is the first half of the match, which was solid and well wrestled, but not incredibly special. The second elements is the second half of the match, which was phenomenal, and had the crowd as into a wrestling match as any I have seen recently. The back and forth and counters and finishers were perfect, and the crowd lapped it up like cat’s milk. Then there is the third element of the match, which would be the way that it ended in a disqualification. If you’ll remember back one year to Summerslam, Randy Orton had another title match that ended in a DQ, that time with John Cena, and we called it the most atrocious piece of garbage we saw that year. So what’s the difference between then and now? Simple. People actually care now.
Ideally when you do a finish like this, the idea is to keep both men strong, to get some heat on the heel, and to give the face something else he needs to get retribution for. When you have incredibly flat characters whom nobody is interested in (see Orton and Cena this time last year), this doesn’t work, because the fans aren’t invested enough in the match, the feud, and the characters to be anything but annoyed that they got robbed of a clean finish. Here, though, their immediate reaction was to boo the shit out of Sheamus, and cheer Orton wildly, a far cry from the dead silence that greeted the other example. I will agree, though, that too many nonfinishes in one night spoils one where it is done right, and so this may get lost in the shuffle and thought poorly of, and fair enough. But from where I’m sitting, it just feeds into Sheamus’ character, and may lead to another match like this that was not only fresh, but elicited an honest and passionate reaction from both me and the crowd.
And that’s just not something you see everyday.
87 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: I love these two. I love this feud. I love it all. I’m like a squealing ball of glee.
OK, maybe I don’t love it all. It worries me when a ton of stips are piled onto a match, because it’s like a flashing neon sign, “dirty heel tactics here!” OK, no one can interfere and Randy can’t lose because he has no rematch to fall back on, so…Sheamus will cheat so the feud doesn’t have to end after one PPV match.
It’s as if I’m psychic. Sheamus uses dirty tricks, trying to get counted out, and Randy goes crazy and tries for about a dozen RKOs. Sheamus gets fed up, grabs a chair, and gets DQd. Randy technically wins, so the feud can continue. Sheamus gets to keep a belt that he still really needs. Win win, except for the fact that DQ finishes are super cheap, especially on one of the big four, (or is it three now?) shows.
Randy and Sheamus didn’t book the end, so I’ll try not to hold it against two of my loves. Yes, it’s predictable and the finish is stupid, but it’s still well wrestled and enjoyable. Both men have strong characters and are good actors. I really appreciated Sheamus’ facial work after Randy kicked out of the pin.
The fans ate Sheamus’ post match beating up. And hey, it’s better than Randy’s match last year.
Cewsh: Okay, here’s the deal here. A few months ago Kane came to the ring on Smackdown and announced the Undertaker had been attacked and placed in a persistent vegetative state by someone on the Smackdown roster, and he was determined to find out who. Then Detective Kane went about kicking everyone’s ass for clues (a method practiced by monsters and the LAPD alike), but failed to find anything compelling, until, he announced, the Undertaker awoke from his coma just long enough to say the words “Rey Mysterio” leading Kane to believe that Rey was the culprit. Rey then announced (with zero evidence) that Kane is the guy who did it. Somewhere in between Kane won the Money in the Bank for Smackdown, and cashed it in, beating Rey for the title. So here we are. If Rey wins, he get’s the title. If Rey loses, he gets to take a seriously cramped nap.
With any luck while reading this, you were able to totally block out the LAST time Rey and Kane feuded not so long ago, where Kane kidnapped Rey and held him hostage, before having a series of incredibly, incredibly boring matches with him. Luckily for us, and for them too, I suppose, they are both in better shape and more motivated now then they were then, and they have something to prove as the Kane Retirement Tour rolls on.
Rey comes out first and the Kane with the casket, which he lovingly parks at ringside and they begin, with Kane doing some kicking of Rey’s ass. Then a little bit more on Rey beating, and then perhaps a smidge more, followed by a side order of even more. This match then continues on into Rey getting in 2 moves followed by Kane destroying him, and in doing so hits on the exact formula for the ideal match between these two men. Rey flies and sells, Kane stalks and hurts. It’s a good system, and they don’t fuck around with it once they realize it’s working.
Finally, with a devastating chokeslam, Kane ends this match, but the match isn’t really the story, as Kane drags Rey over to the casket and opens it. But there’s something inside that wasn’t there before. A whole fucking lot of something.
The Undertaker busts up out of that shit with the quickness and immediately backs Rey into a corner, asking Rey if he’s the one who beat him up (wouldn’t Taker know, having implicated him?) Rey swears that he didn’t and Taker says “I believe you” and promptly turns and attacks Kane. Kane, though, is ready for this and drops his brother with a Tombstone, finally outed as the one to blame all along. He’s the World champion, the king of his brand, and now superior to his brother. For perhaps the first time in a goddamn decade, Kane is looking fucking unstoppable.
This match was more than I ever would have expected it to be, and with the extra add on of the return of the Undertaker at the end, this match pretty much wound up impressing the hell out of me. Neither one of these guys is going to number among my favorites any time soon, but there isn’t anything wrong with their performance here.
78 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I’m shocked at how good this match was.
I’m not really a fan of either guy, although our newest wrestling buddy’s love for Kane can be infectious, and my only casket match ended in sadness and tears. Still, this match manages to hide both men’s flaws and elevates their talents.
Rey bumps like a champ, probably better than he has in years, and gets in a lot of offense that doesn’t look awful and contrived. Kane is big and…is big. But he does big well! My only complaint is, this ISN’T a casket match? I watched the entire match under the delusion it was. (Don’t look at me like that, I tune the announcers out. There was Kane and a casket. What else would it be?)
Anyway, Kane pins Rey, puts him in the casket, and everyone goes for tea. The end.
Oh wait, my mistake. Actually, Kane beats Rey and then the Undertaker pops out of the casket. He goes all Taker-y on everyone and finally sets up the Kane/Taker feud we’ve been waiting for since Detective Kane started. It’s not a perfect set up. Taker didn’t know who attacked him? Why did he say Rey’s name? Why’d Kane do it? But, it’s compelling and I like where it’s leading.
Cewsh: The odds of you not knowing the backstory here if you follow WWE at all is scant to say the least, but in the interest of being helpful, I’ll summarize. Motnhs ago, the entire rookie roster of NXT season 1 showed up on Raw and proceeded to beat the holy hell out of John Cena, tear up the ring, and generally take the wrestling world by storm. One of their members (Daniel Bryan) got bounced for the group for being “too softhearted”, which is the kayfabe way to say that they fired him for being too violent when an investor was watching. The remaining 7 guys in Nexus proceeded to spend months destroying everything and everyone. Bret Hart, Vince McMahon, everything and everyone was a target and they never, ever lost. Finally Cena assembled a team to fight them, and he’s had one fuck of a time trying to keep them together as one unit to fight Nexus, and Wade Barrett has come out of this whole thing looking like such a star that it is startling to realize that in January nobody had any idea who the fuck he was.
Everybody comes out and does the staredown, and the Miz gets to come down last, only to be told by John Cena that he is no longer the seventh member of Team WWE. That seventh member? Daniel Fucking Bryan, the cast aside member of Nexus, and the man nobody expected to be back in the company so soon. He’s no Shiima Xion, but he’ll do. Fucking goddamn he will do.
Ms. Cewsh: I marked out so hard for Bryan. I didn’t even like him that much in NXT, but it’s SO badass that they brought him back for this.
Cewsh: Order is restored after a huge brawl and things get down to the ordinary business of an elimination match. Bryan and Young start things out, and within the first minute of the match Bryan makes Young tap out to a goddamn crossface! Holy shit! Team WWE is on the board! 7-6.
Ms. Cewsh: R Truth/Gabriel might be a compelling match. I’d like to see him move into the midcard after Nexus. I know he can’t talk, but I like his look and his style.
Cewsh: Jericho and Gabriel are in next, and Jericho is just swinging Gabriel around the ring by the dick. Lots more tagging and fighting, and Team WWE domination, and Morrison in no time at all nails Starship Pain and Team WWE is up 7-5!
Ms. Cewsh: Awwwww, Morrison got to beat someone with Starship Pain! Also, damn the crowd is hot for this match.
Cewsh: Nexus takes a minute to have a conference together, and they decide to put things into the hands of Skip Shiffield. And this is a goddamn good choice, because Skip is about 8 layers of muscle bigger than anyone else in this match and just starts bulldozing motherfuckers left and right. Morrison tries to fight back, but he’s got nothing and eats a NASTY lariat to end his night right here and now.
Cewsh: R-Truth comes in to get him some to avenge his sort of tag team partner. This is ill advised. He eats a lariat while we’re watching a replay of the OTHER goddamn lariat, and he too, can hit the showers. 5-5.
Cewsh: Finally Sheffield tags out for a breather, and Nexus takes turns fast tagging one another to dish out punishment to the beleaguered Chris Jericho. Jericho gets the tag in to Bret Hart and the crowd goes wild as Bret shows himself to be about 8,000,000 in better shape than he was at Wrestlemania, beating Heath Slater to a pulp. Then, when Bret locks in the Sharpshooter, someone slides a chair into the ring, and apparently seeing nothing wrong with the “hey, he gave it to me, so it must be legal” rule, Bret smashes Sheffield with it, getting himself disqualified. That doesn’t make any damn sense, but okay. 4-5.
Ms. Cewsh: I’ve noticed people complaining about Randy’s RKO dance, but how do we feel about Edge’s increasingly weird mannerisms? I’m not a fan.
Cewsh: Luckily the chairshot does one good thing, and it puts Sheffield down long enough for Jericho to load up a Codebreaker, and for Edge to load up a spear, finally putting an end to the wild, uncontrollable threat of Nexus’ enforcer. 4-4.
Ms. Cewsh: Noooo, my Skippy!
Cewsh: On the outside of the ring, Cena starts to get jumpy since he hasn’t gotten into the match yet, as Nexus starts to pick apart Edge this time. We’re now down to Cena, Edge, Jericho and Bryan on one side and Barrett, Gabriel, Slater and Otunga on the other. Cena starts to get crazier and crzier, begging to be tagged in, but Edge and Jericho completely ignore him, and instead Jericho comes in and taps Otunga the fuck out the Walls of Jericho. 4-3.
Cewsh: After Otunga leaves, with Jericho mocking him all the way, Jericho goes after Slater, who cleverly moves and propels Jericho into Cena, rising to the surface the very serious tension between the two men. While they both stare at each other trying to get a handle on things, Slater neckties Jericho, and pins him for the surprise three count! 3-3.
Cewsh: Now there is visible shock on the faces of Team WWE, and a look of sincere disgust on the face of John Cena. Cena then tries to get in, and instead Edge dares him to start some shit. Cena backs down for the good of the team, but distraction allows Slater to roll Edge up and get ANOTHER pin. 2-3.
Cewsh: Edge promptly spears Cena to the outside, and Edge and Jericho stomp him into oblivion, leaving Daniel Bryan all alone against 3 members of Nexus. Unfortunately, Nexus rolls in cena instead, so he just gets ultrastomped for awhile. He tries to fight back as they maul him, and tag in the fresh Daniel Bryan, but he just can’t get to him as Slater, Gabriel and Barrett continue to pick him apart like vultures. Finally he gets the tag to Bryan, and Bryan comes in like a house of fire. He nails one guy, boom, he nails another one, bang, and he takes little Heath Slater and makes him his bitch with 2 minutes of straight uninterrupted offence. Bryan finals wraps him up into that vicious crossface and we’re even up. 2-2.
Cewsh: Bryan is standing tall and prepared to take on both men for his team, when the Miz comes out of nowhere and smashes his former NXT rookie in the back of the head with the Money in the Bank briefcase, leaving him down and out, and easy prey for the scavengers. 1-2.
Ms. Cewsh: So Bret can’t use a chair, but Miz can knock out Bryan and let Barrett get the pin? I can see where the ref’s priorities lie. REF IS THE HIGHER POWER.
Cewsh: And now we have the John Cena underdog show, as Gabriel and Barrett shut Cena down and keep the heat turned up, attacking him at every turn and wearing him down (if that’s what you want to call it) with kicks to the face. The pull out all the stops, sensing that the end of the match is near, including putting up the mats outside the ring and DDTing Cena on the hard concrete. The fans go silent at the brutality and at how much their hero is being beaten to a pulp, before Gariel gets tagged in a promptly misses a 450 Spalsh and gets himself pinned by an incredibly spry considering his head trauma John Cena. 1-1.
Cewsh: Wade Barrett curses and walks into the ring to put a beating on the now unconscious again John Cena. Hmm, I wonder how that’s going to work out for him.
Cewsh: Well then, Super Cena rides again, and despite having everything but a goddamn Mack truck backed over him, he still springs up like a child’s toy to win the match and then dances around afterwards completely unharmed. Goody.
See, I’m actually one of Cena’s biggest supporters. I like his character, I like his matches, I like his humor, and I like him as the face of the company, but what I don’t like is that sometimes for no fucking understandable reason, he is simply impossible to do any harm to. He isn’t vulnerable in any way against anyone. He just gets beaten up, and then he’s absolutely fucking fine, and while others have done this, he does it to such an insulting degree that it buries whoever was just attacking him. Would it kill him to hold his ribs a little? Maybe to just not jump up and down like a schoolgirl? Fucking WORK WITH ME, John. This shit is getting hard to defend.
As for the rest of the match, I absolutely adored it. It highlighted every single person in the match in exactly the right way, and it had that atmosphere to it that WWE rarely pulls off. That big fight feel, that keeps you glued to the screen watching it, just to see what will happen next. I said early in this review that Sheamus/Randy got high marks because it evoked something almost alien from the fans in this day and age, and this match did that too, but more so. You could tell that the fans in attendance really NEEDED to see Team WWE beat Nexus, and were invested, not only in them doing so, but every step they took along the way. That’s a special thing, my friends. A thing I’m damn glad to have seen. The Cena thing may have hurt the ending, but it couldn’t kill the beast. Just imagine the score it would have gotten if they really had forced John to act out of breath for 8 seconds. Gooooo figure.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms. Cewsh: I really don’t agree with Cena hulking up and winning here. The beating on the outside was too definitive and really deflated the crowd. They perked back up for the finish, but I think it hurt the last few minutes of the match. Also, where does Nexus go now? They’ve shown they can’t defeat Team WWE, even a splintered team with self involved heels and Miz knocking dudes out. With NXT 2 almost over, I have a feeling a lot of Nexus are going to be looking at their future endeavor papers soon.
And if Nexus is ending, where does that leave Cena? He’s not in the title hunt, for once. One on one feud with Barrett? Why? Barrett tapped; he lost. I feel like this all could have gone on so much longer and still been compelling.
Cewsh: Man, what happened during the course of this night? The first half of this show was setting up for one of the most forgetful, blasé, and annoying shows in a long long time, and then the main events swooped in and kicked my ass back into happiness mode. As a result I think I’m coming out of this with more fondness for the show than the score even indicates, because the last stuff was the best stuff, and when it comes down to it, that’s the stuff that sticks with you.
FUCKING SELL YOU SHITHEAD.
Ms.Cewsh: This is a pretty controversial show, and I have a lot of problems with it. I’m not sure I agree with the end of a single match. Even the matches where the right man won, (Ziggler/Kingston, Kane/Rey) had post-match shenanigans. For more on this, please look up. I thought most of the promos were pretty bad, looking at you Taker, and the undercard didn’t get a lot of time.
Despite that, all three main events got high scores. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Everything bell to bell was well done. I just wish they hadn’t fumbled so much after those bells.
Well that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the biggest party of the summer (their words, not ours) and we hope you are embracing the overall change in product and tone in WWE as much as we are. I’m expecting rocket boots any day now. Let’s get on that guys. Anyhow, next week Ms. Cewsh and I will be collaborating again on our review of Shimmer 29, one of the latest shows for that promotion, to hype us up for our Cewsh Reviews Invasion of Shimmer in September. So until then, be sure to keep reading, and as always, be good to one another.