Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only review blog afraid of heights, spiders and certain kinds of foreign cheese, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight as we bring you LADDERS. That is to say we’re reviewing WWE LADDERSLADDERSLADDERS. Err, Money in the LADDERS. THERE ARE LADDERS. YAY LADDERS!
Well I think you get the idea. Tonight we get to review a show fully and completely centered around people scaling a ladder to reach a guaranteed title match. What could be more simple or more excellent than that? Between those matches and Cena and Sheamus finally brining their feud to a head, this is a PPV so fully loaded with potential that it’s bursting at the seams and we’re going to have to find it new pants at goodwill. However let us remember, there’s a new group in town. One that cast a shadow over all of these proceedings. How will Nexus affect one of the most important nights of the year? Only one way to find out.
Cewsh: Here’s the thing about the WWE. They have been around for so long and have so much history and credibility that they can seriously pull off the “dramatic voice guy talks about dreams and destiny” thing every single damn month if they want to, because they’ve created all of these matches and concepts that really stick with you and have value rooted in historical moments and memories.
In other words, this is so fucking good, and it is so easy for them. Lucky bastards.
– Man, the crowd really has no idea who Cody Rhodes is at all. Poor guy.
– They should call this Midcard in the Bank. HA! See, because none of these people are established…no? Not working? But, the puns! Boo.
– Who invited all of these super heavyweights to a match with aluminum ladders? There’s no way these ladders will hold Big Show, much less Matt Hardy.
– AHAHA, Show puts his foot straight through the bottom rung of the ladder. This bodes poorly for him.
– Oh good Christ. Listen Kofi, just because Shelton Benjamin got released doesn’t mean you have to…
Briefly, Drew Thought His Wish For A Flying Starburst Machine Had Come True.
– GREAT GOOGELY MOOGELY!
– Um, Show? Where the hell did you get a ladder built for elephants?
At Goldfinger’s House, Apparently.
– Cody Rhodes misses getting that ridiculous ladder dropped directly on his testicles by about a foot, possibly reconsiders non use of a cup.
– Now Christian and Matt Hardy, perennial ladder match bridesmaids could easily win, but they won’t let the other one get their opportunity and they wind up eliminating each other. There’s a moral here somewhere boys and girls.
– Poor Show.
When His Fort Fell Apart, Show Didn’t Want To Play Anymore.
– Wait, there’s no way Kane…
– Wait, Kane? Really?
– HOLY SHITR KANE! AEFHNU!UH!
This Has To Be A Dream. Where’s My Gummi Dragon?
What a legitimate shocker to open the show, with Kane, of all people, actually winning the briefcase and the title shot here. I can only assume that his using of the case will have to coincide with his Detective Kane storyline on Smackdown, though I have no idea how. But since nobody else in this match was really any more qualified to win this and get the chance, why not Kane?
Go for it big guy, you’ve earned it.
83 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: I’m so excited by this PPV. It’s like Christmas, with ladders!
I love Show in this match. He’s so fantastic. I commented on it in the Jerishow ladder match, but it’s really fun to have someone who can just decimate the opponents, the ladders, and everything in between. His “Super Ladder” is amazing, but it taking like five minutes just to get it in the ring? Less amazing. Still, it set up a lot of unique spots for him, and it didn’t sway scarily.
Most of the new guys play their part to perfection. They realize they’re only here to highlight Christian and Hardy and it works well. Speaking of, Christian and Hardy do a lot of fun spots, as does Kofi springboarding all over the ring.
The story of the match is Kane. I’ll admit, it’s an odd choice, but they did a great job hyping him through the entire match. I’m excited to see where it all goes, since it’s obviously leading to a feud with Taker. All I’m left wondering is…
WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT LADDER COME FROM?! MAGIC LADDERS!
79 out of 100.
Cewsh: Sheamus is backstage with Josh Matthews, who wants to know why Sheamus helped John Cena on Raw when he had previously chosen to let the Nexus run wild everywhere. Sheamus essentially is of the opinion that Nexus, John Cena and everyone else that is not Sheamus can all suck a dick in hell and that he is awesome and can beat everybody. But in this case it makes more sense to team up to keep that pesky Nexus away.
Make no mistake though, Sheamus hates Cena. And he plans on murderizing him here tonight and going home as quickly as possible so he can hang out with Kid and/or Play.
High Top Fades 4 Life.
Cewsh: Attention young ladies getting into the wrestling business. Should you be of the opinion that it is impossible to actually have a decent match once you get to WWE these days, feel free to scope this match out and learn otherwise.
Not to say that it is perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Eve is still very green when it comes to actually putting together a match, and her matches all come off a little disjointed, like she’s rehearsed them a lot of doesn’t know what to do if anything deviates from the plan. But the moves she’s learned, and the crowd reaction she gets are far ahead of where I ever honestly expected her to get. Alicia, for her part, is substantially less green than Eve, and looks great in the ring, but she doesn’t bring anything to her role. She’s just kind of there and happens to be the champion and that’s all. She’s a compelling character away from being a very important part of these shows, but as of this night she doesn’t have it yet.
But despite all the things that weren’t perfect here, the overall package was solidly above average. They turned nothing into a heated rivalry match, and Eve’s constant flow of energy kept things moving at a brisk pace you rarely get from Diva’s matches. It was good, and with more practice, I believe these two could do even better.
Crazy, I know. But you’d better believe it.
70 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I was feeling Eve a few months ago, but she’s just gotten blander and blander to me. She’s improving in the ring, but I just cannot care about her.
Alicia is still the cutest little doll, but she’s not at a place where she can carry this match for me.
The wrestling’s fine, it’s just all so bland.
52 out of 100.
Cewsh: Have you called yours lately? She carried you for 9 months you know. And then there were all the complications from your enormous bucket head that got lodged in her appendix.
I mean how bad could it be to just call the woman? Or just walk upstairs from the basement? Or put on her clothes and a wig and go stab slutty chicks in the shower? It’s the little things that show you care.
Cewsh: The Hart Family. The Anoai Family. Two of the greatest and most prolific familiaes in wrestling history. Here, 6 members (in one way or another) of those esteemed families have gathered to have a match that is dozens of years in the making. Two proud families, bringing their name into the modern era, trying to prove themselves at the expense of the other. Speed, power, good looks, and a hearty endorsement from their famous family members. What more could you need?
Well, for starters, an entertaining match would be good.
From what I have seen of the Uso Brothers so far, they are a compelling tag team, with some great double team moves that reflect their heritage and the moves their family is known for in new and innovative ways. They’re entertaining, interesting, and they really seem to have that special something. From what I’ve seen of the Hart Dynasty, Natalya is amazing, Tyson Kidd is very fluid and fun to watch, even if he has no personality whatsoever, and David Hart Smith is an enormous lump of absolutely nothing. He has no personality, he has no spark, he has no charisma, and he has no notable wrestling skill. He’s just a big dude with a famous name who drags down all of these matches by not ever looking like he knows what the fuck is going on. He looks lost and emotionless. Exactly what I want from my top babyfaces.
As a result of all of this, this match is dead in the water from the get go. When the Usos are on offense, things start to get going, but whenever the Dynasty takes over, it is blandness incarnate, to the point of making me want to change the channel.
The wrestling was fine, you’ve seen this match 5 times already, but it takes more than that to put on a compelling wrestling show. I look forward to these guys figuring that out. Assuming, of course, that they do.
65 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Speaking of bland. I don’t understand how such an interesting feud on paper can be so damn boring. Mostly because we’ve had this exact same match like five times now!
58 out of 100.
Cewsh: Oh come on. What do you think happens immediately after this?
Wiiise Meeen Saaay. Only Fooools Ruuuush Iiiin.
Cewsh: These two women have both improved by miles from their Extreme Expose days.
That is about the best thing I have to say about this staggeringly bland match. They both did their thing, and nothing was actually BAD or anything. It’s just that there was no crowd reaction and nothing to really get into here, so it was like watching a practice run for the real thing. This, combined with a storyline based around the words “Smelly Kelly” make this a match best ignored.
The Raw match showed this one up so badly that it’s a shame to have even had the two on the same show, and the Raw match wasn’t anything special itself. That should really say it all.
62 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I was too harsh on the first Divas’ match. This match is so boring I forgot it was here.
Kelly looks cute, though. Nice hair. And Layla’s entrance has gotten really good.
44 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: UGH. Why did I want to watch this show again?
Cewsh: Hey, hey now, I loved this match.
I loved that it was between two guys that are fresh for the title scene (for the most part). I love that it’s designed to get over a new rising star in Swagger and succeeds. I love that it revolves around Swagger developing a more intense and aggressive in ring style, and becoming more like Kurt Angle every day. I love that Rey actually had a reason to be the underdog here for once (with Swagger having injured his ankle with his new Anklelock), instead of them just acting like he always does. But more than anything else, more even than its ability to make me not have a distaste for Rey Mysterio, I just loved watching it.
Look, we all know Rey isn’t as fast as he used to be. Multiple knee surgeries, age, and a few years where he (ahem) bulked up have done him no favors. But he still has the ability to be so agile that it makes whatever is happening to him look so, so fascinating. Here, Swagger just bullies his ass all around the ring, and Rey sells his ass off convincingly, getting the ankle injury over and making sure that we know it is the focus of the match. Swagger plays his role brilliantly as the dangerous technician, and Rey leads him through a match that never takes its breath and never ceases to entertain. And by the end they accomplished something I would simply not have believed possible a year ago. They made Jack Swagger a serious main event threat without evening letting him win. Astonishing.
Of course this match won’t be remembered for what happened from bell to bell. Rather it will be remembered for Kane coming out to chase off a marauding Jack Swagger, only for him to cash in his new Money In The Bank briefcase and become the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, as I attempt to pick my jaw off the floor. The big guy has no (as of me writing this now) already broken his personal best for being world champion, as he successfully passed the one day marker he set way back when. I have to tell you, that I have no idea why Kane is our champion right now, and can only imagine that it is leading to a showdown with the Undertaker down the road (Hell in a Cell?) but fucked if it wasn’t a crazy and wonderful surprise to see him get his due in the midst of his first hot storyline in years. We’re pro Kane here, and goddamit, I’m pro this.
Great match, great surprise, and great greatness. I just don’t know what was more surprising. The first match or the second one.
85 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms. Cewsh: Whatever, the match sucks, Mysterio is terrible, and the only thing of note is they JOBBED HIM OUT TO KANE. Bwahahahahaha.
35 out of 100.
(Cewsh Note: At this point Vice wished to intersect with a special message of his own.)
Vice: Oh he’s so Pringles. Where yo’ curleh mustache at?
(Cewsh Note: No, I don’t know either.)
– Man, it’s been awhile since I did Cewsh Notes. I hope I’m not too rusty. Just to play it safe, here are some breasts. I’m pretty sure we all like those.
Ah Yes. Back In the Saddle. Let’s Do This.
– Are you guys SURE that Miz isn’t here to mop up the place? I will never get used to the guy from the Real World being a serious WWE title contender.
– Poor Jericho. He invented this match, and he’ll never, ever win it.
– YES. Edge throws a ladder into the ring and everybody kills each other while he kicks back and watches. Brilliant move.
– So apparently Mark Henry is pretty strong? News to me.
– Morrison is totally insane! He gets tossed onto a ladder standing on the outside, then he rides another one into the ring and lands on the main ladder. Very, very cool.
– ….not that it does him much good as Edge traps him inside the ladder and he and Miz pummel him with another ladder until his abs cry.
– Poor Mark. Everybody picks on the fat kid.
Be Nice, He’s Just Big Boned!
– Guys, seriously, this isn’t a gangbang. You’re going to have to take turns.
– Evan spends about 10 hours ALMOST getting the briefcase. If only he were a little bit taller. Or was, in fact, a baller. Though I bet you if he had a girl who looked good, he would take this opportunity to call her.
– Holy shit, the fans going booing the SHIT out of Miz as he climbs the ladder. Biggest reaction of the night so far easy.
– Wait, Miz wins this? What the shitfuck? DO OVER.
This was the match I waited all night to see. Innovative stuff all over the place, fun spots, great characters, and just a ton of fun. Then to cap it off by giving the Miz the key to the main event kingdom at last leaves the delicious icing on the cake.
It doesn’t get much more fun than this folks.
89 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: This ladder match is AWESOME.
It’s not perfect, by any means. I’m not sure it’s even as fun as this year’s ‘Mania MITB, but it’s just exactly what I want from this show. Crazy, contrived spots, (I’m looking at you Morrison and your fucking domino ladders,) up-and-coming stars showcased, and Randy Orton.
I do feel there’s a disconnect between the main eventers and the midcarders that hurts the enjoyability of the match. Jericho, Edge, and Orton are just plain better than Dibiase, Miz, and Morrison. Maybe one can cause an upset on a good day, but it’s just hard to buy Edge or Jericho not winning this one.
Still, all of the midcarders look like a million bucks and it’s just enjoyable to watch. Maryse’s little interaction was more interesting than either of the Divas’ matches.
I was surprised by the winner, I thought for sure Bourne was getting the main event push, but Miz has grown a lot and I can definitely see him in a Jericho/Upper upper-midcard role.
86 out of 100.
Cewsh: God, where the hell did Sheamus come from?
A year ago, Sheamus was some dude from FCW who got called up and was feuding with Goldust in ECW. 6 months ago he has a one time flukey champion that everyone was waiting to see lose the title because he had gotten it way too soon. And now today not only does he look right wearing the title, but he looks like an equal standing across the ring from John fucking Cena. And how many people can you really say that about? Along the way he became a fantastic heel wrestler, a truly over character, and one of the more comfortable mic workers in the entire company. Possibly he stopped on the way for ice cream. But, then again, probably not. Because he’s also FUCKING RIPPED.
Then there’s John Cena. Yep, we all know all about John Cena by now, but something has changed recently. The debut of the Nexus, and their constant war against him (and vice versa) has brought out something in John Cena that I thought was long dead. Vulnerability. It’s back now in a big way as he tries to manage a feud with the dangerous Sheamus while a pack of wolves stalk him at every turn. As a result, the loud boos have started to fade when Cena is around, and the cheers have gotten louder. Maybe what John Cena needed all along wasn’t to turn heel. Maybe he just needed an enemy even he could be afraid of. And now he has it.
Now before this just becomes a character profile of two dudes who look good with their shirts off, there WAS a match here. I’ve said before, many a time in fact, that John Cena is one of the best main event gimmick match wrestlers in the world and he doesn’t disappoint here, as he spends pretty much 15 straight minutes getting the ever loving shit beaten out of him by Sheamus. Sheamus bullies him, harries him and embarrasses him at every turn, just savoring his opportunity to show John Cena up and make himself legit once and for all. Cena does his fighting back, Sheamus shuts him down again and again, and they proceed like that, locked in struggle all through the tense minutes here. They kick out of finishers and keep coming back for more, and no end seems to be in sight, until the inevitable becomes the reality. The Nexus is in the building.
They swarm to the door with a pair of bolt cutter to force their way inside, but in a rare show of “having ballsedness” the ref takes the bolt cutters away and tells them all to get lost. Obviously this doesn’t work, but then another ref shows up with the key. Nexus demands it and he obliges. By throwing that shit into the 82nd row. Now these guys are FURIOUS. They attempt to climb into the cage as a group, but Cena fights them off as they come one at a time. Except for Justin Gabriel, who attacks himself.
Then Cena and Sheamus scramble to escape before they get trapped, and thanks to Nexus holding Cena at bay, Sheamus manages to escape first and immediately bounce out of the building through the crowd, still champion. Now all that is left is the Nexus and an extremely pissed off John Cena.
Most of Nexus have the good sense to leave at this point, having proved their point significantly. Unfortunately this does not include Darren Young and Michael Tarver, as Cena beats the fuckshit out of the two of them and smashes Tarver in the face with the steel steps. Then Cena enigmatically picks up Tarver’s Nexus armband and strides to the back, leaving us all wondering, in the words of a great journalist of our era, WHATSUPWITDAT?
What’s up with this match, however, is good times. It wasn’t something special that you’ll never see again, and I’m certain that you’ll see a better match between Cena and Sheamus sooner than later. But this match was really all about Nexus, and here they screw John Cena yet again. His enigmatic actions after taking them out are intriguing, and his vicious beating of them even more so. Is Cena starting to crack? Because if he is, we’ll be looking at a company that may see some severe, severe changes in a very short time.
Bring that shit on. I love it.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: This is such a good feud. It’s making me care about John Cena for the first time in ages and Sheamus is growing into a phenomenal heel.
It’s a good match, but I feel it’s missing a bit of passion. A lot of the match feels like a Cena brawl, oh and there’s a cage here too, I guess.
The friend we were watching the show with felt Nexus ruined the match and killed all the momentum. I don’t quite feel that way, but I do think if the announcers are going to call it a feud ending match, maybe it shouldn’t end with interference and Sheamus tapping without getting caught.
I still love Nexus.
Cewsh: Going into this show, I was probably more excited for it than for any show since Wrestlemania. The whole Nexus thing was circulating, and Money in the Bank ladder matches kick ass on principle. Coming away I think my excitement was justified, if not fully and entirely realized. There wasn’t anything here that blew me away to the point of incredulity, and there was some pretty pedestrian stuff there in the middle. But in the end, this one is getting chalked up as a great show that was a ton of fun, and they can keep this theme show for the rest of eternity as far as I’m concerned. If they bring it, I will buy it. That’s a promise.
In fact, you could take it to the bank.
Ms. Cewsh: This will shock you, but I love ladder matches. Ladders. TLC. MITB. I love them all. This was a two match show, and while one didn’t live up to my expectations, the Raw MITB was worth the price of admission alone. Cena/Sheamus was also a good showing, even if Nexus interfering is kind of cheap. Fun show with amazing ramifications for the future. What more can you ask for in a filler, gimmick PPV?
Alright, that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed LADDERS. LOTS AND LOTS OF GLORIOUS BEAUTIFU…breathe in, breathe out. Okay, we’re good. My therapist is going to make a fortune off of this. At any rate, we hope you had fun, and you can look forward to a review next week that will actually come out somewhere in the vicinity of our deadline! How can we possibly manage this you ask? Why, by enlisting the aid of our favorite tour guide to Japan, Defrost to help me review NJPW’s Super J Tag Tournament 2010. See the brightest new faces in Jr. Heavyweight wrestling from America, Mexico, Japan and even Ireland compete to make a name for themselves. And with luminaries like Davey Richards, a naked luchadore, and some other guys involved, you won’t want to miss it. So until then, and as always, keep reading everyday, and be good to one another. Papa Cewsh says so.