Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of the captivatingest reviews in all of the kingdom, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we are set to review the only WWE show of the year where you are guaranteed to have a fatal four way match, WWE Fatal Four Way! So, I mean, if that’s what you’re into, this is pretty much the greatest night of your entire life. If you, on the other hand, are mostly ambivalent towards four ways (I prefer foursomes myself, rawr) then this is still at least kind of exciting as WWE starts to rev its engines in preparation for the quickly oncoming Summerslam. Will the NXT rookies make their presence felt on this show? Why are there only like 4 matches on this card? And what on this show made Ms. Cewsh howl with rage? Only one way to find out.
Cewsh: This video was pretty good.
No really, it was. It was a perfectly serviceable video that showed the matches and some of the storylines existing in the background behind the title matches. They, naturally, focus on the Detective Kane storyline and actually totally leave out the NXT rookies storyline, which is sort of odd. The only real issue here is something that Vice has belabored again and again about WWE, which is their use of completely dull and uninspired licensed songs. The theme to this show could be summed up using word like “meh”, “who?”, and “zzZzzzZ”.
Not the best thing to have to listen to for an entire 3 hour stretch.
Cewsh: Before any match can begin, Vince McMahon himself marches to the ring and shows everyone the footage of Bret Hart getting fucked the hell up by the NXT guys on Raw the previous week. Vince tells the fans that Bret got injured and won’t be at the show, which must be traumatizing despite the fact that GMs not named Teddy Long are rarely on PPVs anyway.
I have to say, though, Bret has been having a shitty few months back in WWE. First he gets his leg broken by a car (wink wink) and then he gets rammed around in ANOTHER car? Sheesh. Though it’s all his fault, really. Should have read his fortune cookie.
Anyway, Drew McIntyre comes out at this point and he and Vince give each other a sensual, but tasteful, massage, before Drew calls Teddy Long to the ring and tells him that Vince McMahon is forcing him to sit and watch the next match. Why? Well…
Segment 3 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Kofi (The Loyal Subject Of Prince Nana) Kingston © vs. Drew (Leveled Up Kendrick) McIntyre.
Cewsh: Right, so as I was saying, the story behind this match is, in a nutshell, that Drew McIntyre is a huge cockface. Ever since he started feuding with Matt Hardy and Teddy Long stripped him of the title, suspended and finally fired him for beating Matt half to death, Drew has been making everyone’s life a living hell. Teddy Long has gotten the brunt of this as the precocious authority figure tasked with keeping Drew in line. He might be capable of this, if Vince McMahon weren’t keeping Drew ass deep in notes excusing him from matches, reinstating him, knocking his losses off of the official record and so on and so forth. Along the line this feud also shifted to include Kofi Kingston when Kofi won a tournament for the vacant IC title, and Vince made him give it back to Drew.
So basically what you need to know is that Kofi, Matt, and Teddy all hate Drew quite a bit, and Drew really could not care less since he has Vince in his pocket. All caught up? All right then.
Now this is about an 18 minute match, and it is not very noteworthy throughout the majority of it, so I’ll spare you superfluous details. Suffice to say that they have themselves a decent spirited match that the crowd is pretty into, and it is completely back and forth until the end. The end begins when Kofi starts humping Drew’s face in the ropes, which caused Drew to throw Kofi directly into the face of the unsuspecting referee, who really wasn’t expecting to be molested when he woke up this morning. With the referee out, Drew hits his spike DDT finishing move and goes for the cover, but there’s nobody there to make the count. Stymied as to what to do about this, he freaks out. That is, until he is struck by an idea.
He quickly runs to ringside and grabs Teddy Long. He informs Teddy that Teddy will now act as the referee for this match (yes, believe it or not, it has been established previously that any WWE official or authority figure can become a referee at any time if necessary). He covers Kofi, and Teddy reluctant counts 1….2…and then Teddy stops. Drew looks at him wide eyed as Teddy tells him to (politely) go fuck himself and refuses to finish the count. Now the crowd is going fucking nuts for Teddy Long. Then the magic happens.
“Somebody Save Me!”
*misses kick by a mile*
“I Meant Somebody Good. “
Yes, Matt Hardy rushes in to save the day, and Kofi Kingston takes this chance to regain consciousness and nail Drew with the Trouble In Paradise (Ghana is paradise?) for the win. He then jumps around like he’s a roady at a Van Halen concert while making sure to sell that pesky arm that Drew worked over for 15 minutes by vigorously pumping it in the air in celebration.
Kofi Kingston. Athletic, skinny, student of the John Cena Selling Academy.
This was a pretty good match. It was strange at points to see Drew desperately working over Kofi’s arm when none of Kofi’s offense, or Drew’s for that matter, revolves around the arm at all, whatsoever. They went on and on and on, and this dragged pretty bad in the middle, but the finish was white hot, and really brought this story to a satisfying conclusion where Teddy stood up for himself, and Matt got his revenge (sort of). I have no idea where it goes from here, but the whole thing certainly is getting Drew McIntyre over as a dastardly heel, so if nothing else, it’s succeeding.
75 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I really enjoyed the Drew/Teddy Long/Kofi/Hardy/everyone angle on Smackdown last week, but I’m disappointed by the spill over to tonight’s match. Kofi and Drew have a really long, pretty OK match, before the ref get’s knocked out. Drew forces Teddy to get in the ring, put on a ref’s shirt, and call the match. Teddy picks this moment to find his spine and refuses, not to ref, but to ref CORRECTLY.
First, that’s not very Face of you, Mr. Long. Two wrongs do not make a right, and all that. Second, like this isn’t going to come back and bite you in the ass? Drew’s just going to cry to Vince, get another rematch, and you’re going to get fired. For what? So Matt Hardy can run in. It was disappointing and it didn’t make Kofi, your champion, look good or strong.
Plus it required me to watch a like 3 hour Kofi match.
47 out of 100.
Cewsh: Yes, I am 25 believe it or not. It’s just a shame for you ladies (and gentlemen) that a wit like mine is off the market.
Ahem, the Hart Dynasty are backstage talking about how fucked up the whole NXT thing with their uncle Bret was, and are totally pissed that they even have to work tonight what with their loved one in the hospital and all. They apparently plan to take this out on their opponents tonight, or on Tyson’s hair, whichever comes first.
“I Can’t Believe I Sleep With You.”
Segment 5 – WWE Divas Championship – Fatal Four Way Match – – Eve(ntually May Be A Good Wrestler) Torres © vs. Maryse (Is Hard TO Rhyme With Things) vs. Gail (I HAVE A MATCH!) Kim vs. Alicia (Clever As A) Fox.
Ms.Cewsh: This is a really good women’s match, marred by the shit-tastic announcing. Cole doesn’t know who the Jumping Bomb Angels are. Jesus wept.
Oh, and Striker, King, if a double submission is locked in, we restart the match to further embarrass the submitee. Obvs.
Still, all four women can wrestle, (to varying degrees,) and Eve especially pulls out all the stops. Her Moonsault was fabulous. I’m OK with the title change, because I think Alicia is just the cutest thing on the planet. I want to take her home and put her on a shelf. ❤ If Eve hadn't wanted her to win the match, maybe she shouldn't have just sat on the outside and pouted.
I know the name of the show is Fatal 4Way, but this really could have been a triple threat, or even an Eve/Alicia single’s match, and not lost anything.
64 out of 100.
Cewsh: Well look, this match is a mess.
There is exactly one person in this match with 5 years+ experience, and she’s the biggest afterthought in the whole thing. And while they seem to be getting the hang of singles and tag matches, the idea of having a match with four women at the same time and have it be cohesive is a tall goddamn order. That’s not a criticism of them, because most men don’t manage it any better. Once you get 4 people in the ring, the match becomes hard to manage, and you have to avoid the chaos of a battle royal or what have you, so things get difficult.
That said, this match is awkward, and not good. The finish, however, was actually excellent, with Eve landing a vicious neckbreaker on Maryse and nailing her with a beautiful moonsault before being unceremoniously thrown out of the ring by Alicia, allowing Ms. Fox to grab the quick pin and the championship.
So yeah, this match was not good. But Eve and Alicia both showed flashes of skill that makes me intrigued to see how things go in the future. But on this night? Not so much.
57 out of 100.
Cewsh: Look at Rey’s head next to Big Show’s fist. LOOK AT IT.
I hope Rey brought a gun. Because otherwise this is going to happen.
I Could Watch This For Hours.
Cewsh: This match wasn’t actually on the card, but Jericho comes out anyway and cuts a promo about how he’s totally on a losing streak and nobody cares about him. So he wants to make an impact now, so people don’t forget how great he is. Also he talks about how awesome he is (he’s right) and the crowd totally cheers for him at every turn since they’re in Smark State, USA in Long Island, New York. So Jericho decides that it is Evan Bourne who he wants to make an example of, and he calls the bastard out for an impromptu match.
And fuck I’m glad he did.
One of the things I feel is missing most from wrestling today is the tendency to just put two great wrestlers in the ring and let them wrestle for awhile just to fill out the card. Some might call it lazy booking or what have you, but what it does is give you something to enjoy visually that you don’t have to get emotionally invested in like the big storylines. TNA throws 800 dudes into matches like this, and WWE often uses this time to get new (green) talent some experience and exposure, so we rarely get a good solid 15 minutes for two exciting, and talented wrestlers to just entertain the audience with their craft. And that’s exactly what these two do.
The crowd is 100% Jericho at the start of this match and is totally ambivalent towards Bourne, but as the match goes on and these two perform exciting combination after exciting combination, the audience gets more and more into this match. They go back and forth and back and forth with near fall after near fall again and again. It’s one of those matches where by the end of it you just have your jaw hanging open in disbelief at each successive kick out, and these guys wrench every single possible drop of interest out of you before it’s done. It’s nuts.
Now this isn’t perfect, and I don’t want to give you the impression that it is. The crowd stays on Jericho’s side throughout, which hurts Bourne’s comebacks a bit, and the match probably goes on about a minute too long, diluting the impact of the near falls by doing a few too many and letting match continue a bit after it seems to climax, but fuck man, those are small complaints next to the pure fun of watching these two wrestle. There are no two ways about it, Chris Jericho made Evan Bourne a star here, selling his offense, and making him look like an equal in absolutely every way before flat out putting him over in decisive fashion. It was fantastic to watch a star being Bourne (I am lame) and if this is what we can expect from Evan in his run to the top then there is reason to be seriously excited for years to come.
Shh! It’s A Wrestler In The Middle Of A “Selling” Ritual. A Rarely Seen Treat.
85 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: This is not a bad match. It’s not a life changing match, but it’s certainly never going to be described as bad. Unfortunately, I just don’t have anything to say about it. It’s not that I don’t like Jericho, but his promo pre-match was probably more entertaining than anything they did in the ring.
78 out of 100.
Segment 8 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Fatal Four Way Match – Jack (Kane’s) Swagger © vs. Big (Gonna) Show vs. Rey (Kill) Mysterio vs. CM (You) Punk.
Hey, What’s Kane Doing Here?
Aww, Poor Punk. I Guess He’s Not Winning.
Wait, So It’s Only Swagger And Mysterio Left? And Mysterio Hit The 619?
Wait A Second. WAIT A SECOND.
72 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Oh look, I can copy paste my review from the last match, except sub “Jericho promo” for “Kane run-in”.
71 out of 100.
Cewsh: John Cena is backstage and he’s very concerned about the NXT rookies interfering in his match. He respects them all, of course, but he’s worried about them fucking things up, and apparently the 4 guys in that match have an unspoken agreement to team up if the NXT guys do show up.
Oh silly Cena. Good guy mistake number one : assuming bad guys will stop being bad guys just because they should. I think all know how this is going to go…
Cewsh: Here is all you need to know about this match, seriously. The Miz walks to the ring prior to the match rapping to R-Truth’s entrance music about how he’s great and R-Truth sucks. He forgets the words halfway through and totally freezes up before catching himself and working in his catchphrase. It was a completely unexpected and amusing little addition to an otherwise completely non-noteworthy experience.
Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like Miz and Truth aren’t good performers. Miz is starting to come into his own, and at times there is nobody more qualified to deliver an exciting match than R-Truth. But together they just don’t have the chemistry you would need to have this match stand out here, and it doesn’t help that we’ve seen it all before and recently.
Nothing they do here is bad, but it isn’t great either. This was a Raw match on PPV, and that is, I’m afraid, the truth.
65 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Miz’s rap is amazing. HE RHYMED AWESOME WITH BLOSSOM. How can you not love that? R-Truth is clearly a heel for not appreciating such lyrical genius.
Oh the match? Why the hell is it SO LONG?!
59 out of 100.
Cewsh: Edge is backstage with Todd Grisham and he tells him some psychology profiles of Cena, Orton and Sheamus. They’re dead on and make Edge look like he actually has a plan on how to win, which is way more than you can say for Dr. McCena over there, pouting because nobody likes him. MAN UP CENA. MAN UP.
Cewsh: So recently the Uso Brothers (sons of Rikishi actually) burst onto the scene with Tamina (the daughter of Jimmy Snuka, noted insane person) as their manager, making trouble for the Hart Dynasty and seeking after their tag titles. The big thing about the Syndicate is that they aren’t the savages that Samoans are usually represented as, but instead are some smooth talking playboys who have a serious grudge against any other family in wrestling history. Naturally this leads to this 6 man tag, rather than a tag team title match, because realistically, it doesn’t really make a huge difference in the scheme of things.
The match gets going and three things become IMMEDIATELY clear. First, the Usos are good. Like, really fucking good. They’re smooth, the have personality, they’re fast and they have some terrific duo moves. They’re like the savages of old, except that can seriously move around the ring and it’s fun to watch. The second thing is that Natalya is way, way, way, way, way too good at wrestling to be stuck as a valet while the Women’s and Divas divisions struggle to find footing. She could be the face of the division NOW. Not later. NOW.
The Hart Dynasty, Ranked By Quality From Left To Right.
The third, and final thing to notice about this match, is that nobody cares. The fans sit on their hands throughout and you could probably here a child crying because he couldn’t get the extra large soda glass with John Cena on it in the 100th row before you heard any sort of enthusiasm directed at these wrestlers. So much for the resurgence of tag wrestling. This is the smark crowd that is supposed to WANT it. Shame.
So that’s the match in a nutshell. The Usos made a great impression, Natalya performed outside of any reasonable expectations, and the crowd left en masse for the bathroom. What more do you need to know?
70 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: This match happened so long after their promo, I wasn’t sure it was still going on tonight. The Usos are another really interesting thing going on in the company right now. I’m kind of loving them, although Tamina could really use a stylist.
Nattie is wrestling! I’m so excited!
Except I still don’t have anything to say! GDI, readers, I have writer’s block and this show isn’t helping. Let’s go with
65 out of 100.
Segment 13 – WWE Championship – John (The NXT Guys) Cena © vs. Edge (Are Gonna) vs. Randy (Beat The Fuck) Orton vs. (Out Of You) Sheamus.
Cewsh: There’s not much you need to know about this match that the interviews all show long haven’t already spelled out for you, but if you haven’t been watching Raw recently, you may be totally unaware of the wildcard here. A few weeks ago, during a CM Punk vs. John Cena match, the entire cast of NXT season 1 came out through the crowd and demolished the entire show. They left Cena down and out on a stretcher, took out the Straight Edge Society, destroyed the announcers, the ring staff, the road agents, the ring, the set, everything. They dismantled the entire show and left everyone wondering what the fuck this shit is all about.
The following week, Bret Hart fired Wade Barrett (the winner of season 1, and therefore the only one with a contract) and the group responded by putting him in a limo and ramming it into another one, severely injuring him. They have ambushed and beaten down everyone in front of them for weeks now, and they have made it known that they have every intention of making their presence felt here tonight as well. With Cena as their primary target (attack the biggest dog, get the most attention), they are a very real threat to the outcome of this match. A bunch of WWE guys are at the gorilla position (just behind the entrance) watching the match on a monitor on standby for trouble, so how will things go down?
Well first of all, we’re in smark country remember? So this entire match features a rousing refrain of “Let’s Go Cena” “CENA SUCKS” that doesn’t ebb to any extent for several minutes. Then we get ourselves so many feuds relived in such a short time that it’s breathtaking. Orton/Sheamus, Cena/Sheamus, Orton/Edge, Cena/Orton, and, the crème da la crème, Cena/Edge, which made me so excited I may have giggled a little. Maybe. You can’t prove anything.
The match clearly disintegrates into an all out brawl between all four men, and it stays that way as the minutes tick by, with nobody in the position to steal a win without somebody else all up in their grill and suchlike. Finishers are gone for and hit, pins are attempted and broken up, and everybody is flying around trying to pick up the win, but it’s a total stalemate.
Well, until trouble arrives.
Oh Shit, Is It Time For The Dance Off Already?
Oh shit, here we go.
They march down to the ring, and everybody immediately knows what is up. Cena, Edge and Orton try to stave off the attack, but all three of them get decimated. And while they’re all stomping the life out of Edge on the outside, Sheamus sneaks into the ring and pins Cena out of nowhere to win the match and the title! He grins into the camera and then bolts off through the crowd to avoid the retribution. The NXT guys angrily fuck up Cena some more, prompting Sheamus to come back out and pose with the belt until the NXT guys give chase and they all run away, leaving the entire ringside area littered with the bodies of WWE”s biggest stars.
And then, to add insult to injury, the crowd chants “Daniel Bryan” until we go to black.
Sweet Dreams, John.
As a match, this was pretty good, but nothing special. All four guys did their job, and things carried on about how you’d expect. But to feel the crowd come alive when those NXT guys come out through the curtain tearing shit up, and to watch the utter devastation they wreck on the whole proceedings is amazing, and something I’ve never seen replicated in wrestling. They would easily be defeated on their own, but to see a horde of motherfuckers just pile on to Cena, bringing him down with sheer press of numbers is such a foreign concept and visual, that it has shocked me into full on excitement. This is one of WWE’s hottest story lines in YEARS, and the best part is that I have no idea where it isn’t going to go.
The score is for the match, and what we see on the screen. But at this point, the angle as a whole gets a million out of 100. Believe it.
79 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Even thought it’s a typical fourway finisher fest, I really enjoy watching all four of these guys. They’re all so good, and finishers look pretty. The match drags a bit, with everyone breaking up everyone else’s pin attempts, and tons of finishers, and then…
While they’re being all awesome and badass, Sheamus proves he’s even MORE awesome and badass and steals the win from Cena. I far prefer badass monster heels to cocky little chickens. Sheamus is really coming into his own and I’m very compelled by it.
82 out of 100.
Cewsh: This was a weird ass show, man. Reading about it was probably a lot better than actually watching it, because the result of every match and the implications for the future are awesome and so, so exciting, while the matches themselves were long and, for the most part, totally nondescript. Ultimately I don’t know whether to recommend it to you or not. I’ve never seen a show that was so boring and exciting at the same time in my entire wrestling watching career. Just keep in mind what happened and watch every Raw and Smackdown from here on. This shit is starting to get juicy.
“DID SOMEBODY ORDER THE JUICE?!”
Ms. Cewsh: WWE has a lot of really compelling, new storylines going on. I’m loving Detective Kane and The Nexus, I’m finding Teddy/Drew/Kofi/Matt interesting, and I’m really intrigued by all the title changes. Unfortunately, none of that really translated to a good show. None of the matches ended clean and none of the wrestling stood out. For a show with such ramifications, there just wasn’t anything to say.
Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our rugged night of scandalous foursomes, and we hope it was as good for you as it was for us. Well, better actually. It was our first time and, frankly, there are some kinks to be worked out. At any rate, though, we could not possibly be more excited with next week on the horizon, as the fruits of your endlessly difficult (read: brief and simple) reader collaboration bears fruit in the form of our first ever Cewsh Reviews Mega Super Ultra Dream Review Slam Dunk He’s On Fire Slammarama (its tentative title). You guys submitted the matches, and we’ve assembled the card, and the only thing left is to review that damn show and curse you all for the matches you picked.
So be sure to be ready for that, and keep cool during this dreadful summer heat, and if you find the time in your busy schedule be sure to keep reading and be good to one another!