Monthly Archives: June 2010

The Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Show.

Cewsh Reviews Proudly Presents…

THE CEWSH REVIEWS SUPER MEGA ULTRA TECHNICOLOR DREAM SHOW

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the dreamiest, ultraist, technocoloriest reviews in all the land, Cewsh Reviews! Now tonight we have a more than special treat for you as we do something that neither we, nor anyone we’re aware of, has done before. We gave Cewsh Reviews readers just like you the opportunity to submit matches that you wanted to see us review, and we stuck all the matches into Optimus Spud. After a vigorous shaking or two we were left with 8 matches to comprise our dream card review. Then we got our good buddy D1 to compile it all into a big ol’ show for us all to enjoy together.  A show which you can download and enjoy in its entirety for yourself by following the handy download links here, here, and here.

So here you have it. You guys picked the matches, you guys made the card, and now you guys can sit back and watch with us as we take a tour through crazy town. If nothing else, it should be one helluva ride.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Segment 1 – WCW Bash At The Beach 1995 – Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Psychosis.

Cewsh: Wrestling is rarely compared to art.

Not that that is very surprising, really. The leading connoisseurs of the activity are predominantly young men who spend absurdly large portions of their time on the internet staring at oiled up men touching each other in familiar ways. It doesn’t exactly speak to the poetic soul of humanity. However maybe wrestling would be best described as a performance art. A pseudo sport where they attempt to tell you a story through their complex movements and graceful expressions. Most wrestlers would probably not like to have themselves confused with ballerinas, but in reality, they’re in the same line of work, separated only by status and violence.

Though if you’ve ever seen ballerinas fighting for the last celery stick after a long practice, you might not even see much of a difference at all.

The point I’m trying to make is that there are times when wrestling truly can aspire to artistic value. Sometimes it’s through telling a story that leaves white hot trails across your soul. Sometimes it’s by producing a work of such barbaric depravity that it is beautiful as a picture of pure, unrestrained chaos. And then there are some times when the simple grace of the performers themselves elevates the concept as a whole. And this is one of those times.

Here we have Rey Mysterio (pre-steroids) and Psychosis (pre-insanity) going head to head for probably the 8 billionth time in their lives. As a result of their familiarity and Rey’s once in a lifetime mix of daring and grace, these two put on a spectacle that has to be seen to be appreciated. Every move is perfectly executed, every leap is perfectly measured and every spot is so carefully orchestrated, that what you get is, indeed, a ballet.

Some Parts Were Less Graceful Than Others.

They dance together for about 16 minutes, leaving plenty of time for the fans to go nuts and the announcers to get completely befuddled by what they are seeing.

And that’s another thing to consider here. This style of wrestling was so unique in the United States at this point in history, that they had to bring in an extra commentator with knowledge of lucha libre simply to develop the vocabulary to describe what they were seeing. A few of them (Tony Schivone and Dusty Rhodes) rise to the challenge by providing enthusiasm to cover their ignorance. Bobby Heenan just remains Bobby Heenan, and the mix of enthusiasm with Mike tenay’s backing narration leads to an even more exciting way to watch the match than usual. You truly get the feeling that the announcers, the professionals, are in awe of the great new thing right alongside you, and it’s a really fantastic thing to behold.

Ultimately Rey Mysterio wins this match with a spectacular reversal of a top rope crucifix powerbomb into a reverse hurracanrana, and if any of that makes sense to you than you’ve got the wrestling bug to an incurable degree. It was a spectacular conclusion to match that, while devoid of story or improvisation, is a testament to what wrestling could be on the other end of the spectrum from the accepted way. Wrestling this clean and neat will never be perfect, or even truly great. But it can be art. And here, it is.

88 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Aaah what a fun way to start a show.

This is the Rey Mysterio I grew up with and loved. He was tiny, he had awesome music, good look, mask, flew around the ring as if he was weightless, and he was just a treat to watch. At this point he was really young, so he wasn’t a very good worker at the time. It’s fairly obvious, because any time he isn’t flipping around, he’s absolutely clueless. He just stands around waiting for Psicosis to guide him. It’s very awkward at times, because Rey will get hit with something, spring right back to his feet, and literally just stand there as Psicosis slowly gets back to his feet, and then continue to stand there until he eventually gets a kick to the face. It’s pretty painful to watch, but..

..who the fuck cares? This match was super fast and fun, and there was so much goodness to it. I remember loving Psicosis because of his ridiculous look and how fluid he was in the ring. I also remember being let down by him because he could never ever win a match. And the first time I ever saw him win, it was for the title and I was quite shocked to say the least. I had high hopes that he’d hang onto the belt for a while, but he dropped it the following week. I was a sad Vice that day.

This match was ridiculously fun. Story-wise it wasn’t a masterpiece, but these two fucks were just flying all over the place and killing each other with ridiculous moves. It really did take me back to when I was a kid and in awe by the cruiserweights. Totally makes me wish that WWE and TNA would have a ton of luchadores to kick off every show.

Ones Heavy Enough To Catch Each Other, For Preference.

And I really wish this Rey would come back. He’s a smarter worker now for sure, but shit, I hate his matches because they all just revolve around him awkwardly putting people into ridiculous positions so he can attempt to hit an absurd move. It’s painful. Truly painful.

Rey Mysterio Jr. Over Psychosis Following A Reverse Top Robe Hurracanrana.
Segment 2 – WWE ECW 2007 – Sheamus vs. Goldust.

Cewsh: I’m going to be honest with you here off the top. I have no idea why this match was requested, but we’ll attack it as viciously as any other. To arms!

Now this match is from the ECW days, and happened shortly after Sheamus’ debut into the WWE. One of his first feuds (if not his first) was with the wily veteran Goldust who didn’t much appreciate his brash attitude towards his elders. Sheamus is a complete unknown to the audience at this point, and him wrestling Goldust is sort of a big deal for him. Which is funny, since he’ll be main eventing pay per views just a few shorts years after this.

You can clearly see the building blocks that amounted to the Sheamus we know and love today here, as he does some wonderful cocky young heel work, throwing Goldust all over the place and gaining dominance with the vim and vigor of youth. However Goldust is one step ahead of the young ‘un at every turn, and with every offensive move that he lands, Dusty gets DEAFANING cheers from the crowd. I mean seriously, this match gets so much crowd reaction, that you would close your eyes and expect to see The Rock and fucking John Cena in there as Sheamus antagonizes them to death, and Goldust keeps their hopes alive.

After several minutes of Sheamus shutting him down at every turn, Goldy finally fires up his come back, peppering Sheamus with lefts and rights and all manner of unorthodox offense, but just when Goldy goes in for the kill, he gets absolutely wasted by a Pump Kick from the Celtic Assassin, and then he is put out of his misery with a vicious Uranage Backbreaker over one knee. The crowd absolutely explodes into boos and stops just short of throwing shit into the ring as Sheamus walks off with a big victory. One that he would continue building on until he became WWE Champion much sooner than anyone could have expected.

This was a really good television match. Sheamus looked like a star in the making, and the crowd made Goldust look like Stone Dust Steve Austin. It was limited, inevitably, by only getting television time, but these guys really had a surprising match here that really showed what both of them could be when given the chance.

So in summary, I don’t know why this match got chosen, but whoever chose it has some good taste.

75 out of 100.

Vice: It was very fun going back and watching this. When I first saw Sheamus, I thought he’d be gone in a few weeks. Then he stuck around a bit longer and I thought he was pretty lame. Then he took the title off of Cena via WHOOPS, which as much as I enjoy Cena not being champion, I thought it was way too soon for him to win it, and he wasn’t very over, nor did he have much star potential. But since then, he’s become a star. Now here’s the interesting part. Watching this, it could be like I was watching it live. It was the Sheamus of today and he looked and acted like a star in this match. So.. what the fuck? Was he a star this entire time and I was too much of an idiot to see it? Now that he has become a star, has it somehow skewed the way I see him? Who knows, but Sheamus was awesome here.

I was also insanely impressed b y Goldust. I’ve always enjoyed his character and of course his entrance/theme, but I’ve never thought much of him as a worker. And for years I thought he was in fairly bad shape, especially in TNA. It was awful. I had heard good things about him since this return, but hadn’t actually seen him. I was absolutely shocked. Has he ever been in this good of shape? Seriously, he looked phenomenal out there. And he was wrestling awesome. It was all sorts of weird watching this.

This was everything you could want in a TV main event. They get a good amount of time, and both guys came out looking like a million bucks. When I saw this match suggested, my initial thought was “..uh.. really?” but it turned out to be very enjoyable and would have made a very solid PPV match.


Sheamus Over Goldust Following The Celtic Crusher.
 Segment 3 – WWF Unforgiven 1999 – Kennel From Hell Match – Al Snow vs. Big Boss Man.

Cewsh: Ploitiplop.

What is plotiplop you may ask? Why, it’s the sound of my BRAIN EXPLODING IN MY SKULL FROM THE SKULL FUCKING IT RECEIVED WHILE WATCHING THIS MATCH.

I can’t believe this match ever took place. No, I can’t believe this idea ever came to fruition. NO, I can’t believe that a brain synapse actually fired that communicated that this was a good fucking idea, much less the ones that had to agree and work on it to make it possible. Right now, ladies and gentlemen, you are staring down what I believe to be the single worst wrestling match ever contested. There has never been another 0 awarded in Cewsh Reviews history, and frankly I doubt that there will ever be again. This is the bottom of the curve. The match by which all other matches will be compared. The absolute bottom of the wrestling barrel now and forever.

So how does a match get to be called the worst match of all time? Well there are a number of factors. Let’s tick them off.

1. The feud. These two people are fighting because The Big Boss Man stole Al Snow’s dog, killed it, and fed it to Al Snow without his knowing until it was too late. Process that for a moment. Boss Man MURDERED A PUPPY AND FED IT TO THE OWNER. Fuck a wrestling match, that shit would have PETA so far up his ass that they could use him as a sock puppet to terrify children. That, of course, led to…

2. A cage match inside of a Hell in a Cell, with the intervening space surrounded by vicious attack dogs.

It Does Look Cool, I Have To Give It That.

Now perhaps if you directed 8 seconds of thought at this idea you could begin to pick some holes in the logic. Like “Hey Cewsh, how do you fake vicious attack dogs assaulting you?” To which the answer is apparently…

3. The attack dogs are in no way vicious. Not only are they not vicious, they’re downright friendly. Especially the ones that randomly start humping mid match, and the one who decides it is the perfect time to evacuate its bowels all over the mat. In fact, they’re SO not vicious, that at one point Al drops to the floor RIGHT NEXT TO THEM and runs away terrified, only to look back and see that they hadn’t even noticed him.

Run Al, Run!

So with the dogs not cooperating, they improvise by having…

4. The most boring match of all time. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. Are the dogs mean yet? Fuck. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. Alright let’s get some weapons. Chairshot. Kick. Chairshot. Kick. Climb the cage. Randomly stop for no reason. Kick. Naturally, of course, this match is improved by Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler…

5. Trying desperately to make this seem like a life and death situation. JR tries so hard to make this all seem like a big deal that he comes off as completely delusional, or at the very least blind. King tries help him out for awhile before finally having a nervous breakdown and totally ignoring the match to talk about what the dogs are doing. Which is fine because…

6. Dogs fucking is more fun to watch than this match, When it finally ends after about 8 years, everyone involved involuntarily burst into tears. We have seen the void, and it stared back into us, making us feel…

7. So cold. So, so cold. I’m scared, Vice. Hold me.

0 out of 100.

Vice: I’m going to get this out of my system right now. TNA gets shat on a ton for having silly gimmick ideas that go down rather poorly. However, no matter how bad they are, both in concept and execution, they will never, and I mean ever, be as bad as this. Steel cage matches are generally pretty good and it’s a match type that’s been around for decades. Hell in a Cell? Awesome. You can do a lot within the cell. Put the two of them together with the right participants with the right story, and you could have something truly epic.

By right participants and the right story, I don’t mean Al Snow and Big Bossman fighting over the fact that Bossman killed Snow’s dog Pepper and fed it to him. I honestly wish I was making this up. Oh yeah, did I mention that there were ATTACK DOGS between the cage and the cell? Yeah. Why did Snow and Bossman get a match like this? And who thought it was a good idea?

Now, about the dogs, there is one thing I liked about the concept of them. Nowadays 99% of things in WWE are planned and choreographed to absolute perfection, which I think sucks most of the time, but in this match they went with a variable and something that they did not have complete control over. And I liked that. Sure it backfired to a laughable degree, but hey.

This right here was just everything wrong with wrestling. While watching it, I got flashbacks of IWA:MS main events featuring amazing indy phenoms like IAN ROTTEN and VIPER. Man, the dogs were the dumbest thing in the world. All they did was piss, hump, and actually run away from the wrestlers. I don’t think a single one of them even barked or tried doing anything other than shamefully hide their own faces, realizing just how fucking stupid this match was. That’s right. THE FUCKING DOGS WERE EMBARRASSED TO BE A PART OF THIS MATCH. DOGS. EMBARRASSED. These are creatures that constantly slobber, hump inanimate objects, bury their faces in everyone’s crotch, eat whatever you throw on the floor, eat out of the trash can, eat the feces of other animals, and roll around on the floor fellating themselves in front of guardians and strangers without a hint of shame. But they were embarrassed to be a part of this match. That is how bad this was.

Not a single person in the arena gave a shit, and I give props to JR and King for their commentary, because if I had to commentate this, it would have turned out very differently.

I Don’t Know And I Don’t Fucking Care.
Segment 4 – ROH Manhattan Mayhem II – ROH World Heavyweight Championship – Takeshi Morishima © vs. Bryan Danielson.

Vice: Watching this match took me back to when I truly stopped giving a shit about ROH, because this is right about it. Danielson was magnificent in ROH, and I despised Gabe booking the age old title vs. career match with Homicide. Homicide wasn’t going anywhere, so he was going to win it. And I’ve always thought he should be the Tommy Dreamer of ROH in a way, in that he’ll always be so over that he doesn’t ever need the belt, and you can build fantastic stories about how close he gets. So yeah, Homicide takes the title which ends Danielson’s reign of title defenses that were so good, that they make you believe in god. Or if you already believe in god, you point your finger at Danielson and say “hey! there he is!”. Homicide wins the title and then gets utterly spanked by Takeshi Morishima. It pissed me off because he was a nobody in ROH and it was basically just Gabe fulfilling his Japanese fantasies. See, Gabe was just a giant mark for Japanese wrestlers. He’d constantly bring them into ROH, have them take down all their top guys, along with the rest of the roster, and then they’d go back to Japan and that’s that for the most part. It was such bad booking, because as good as he was at making their guys look like the absolute best in the world in their promotion, ANYONE else just happily walks in and destroys them. So, fuck that. Morishima should not have won the title.

One very important thing to note here is that this is a 20 minute match, and within like 5 or 6 minutes Danielson takes a nasty kick to the face which more or less shatters his eye socket and actually detaches his retina. Immediately after the kick, you can tell that he’s in legitimate pain and isn’t just selling really well. They could have easily wrapped the match up within a minute or three, making Morishima look like the monster he needed to be, and sparing Danielson’s health to which the fans would 100% understand. However, Danielson wrestles another 15 minutes with the big man from Japan and isn’t afraid to take nasty forearms and clubs to the face, along with a number of other power moves. It just goes to show how passionate he is about wrestling and how goddamn professional he can be. When he’s not choking a bitch with a tie and spitting in the face of WWE’s golden boy, of course.

This was a match that got a ton of praise back when it first came about, even earning the coveted Match of the Year award by Meltzer/Wrestling Observer in 2007. So you can imagine that this is a pretty damn good match.

Or was it?

Aside from Danielson’s courage adding a ton to the match, I actually found it really boring and tedious this time around. Not that I thought it was amazing the first time I saw it, but it hasn’t aged well at all in my eyes. There’s definitely some good stuff in here, especially how stiff these two are at times, and these two tell a fairly good story.. but there’s just nothing that really made me FEEL, which I find absurd considering that Danielson is legitimately in a lot of pain and fighting his heart out.

I was very underwhelmed by all of it, which makes sense because these kinds of things drove me away from ROH, which used to be my favorite wrestling company by a gigantic margin. Shame.

If this is the best match of 2007, then 2007 was a really bad year.

Cewsh: So Vice tells me that this was the Wrestling Observer’s Match of the Year for 2007. Which is weird, because I knew Dave Meltzer was a hack, but I didn’t know that he actively smoked crack. I guess THAT is a wrestling scoop that you can say that Cewsh Reviews broke first.

Now this match happened at an interesting time in Ring of Honor’s history. In my opinion Ring of Honor, as a promotion, peaked a few months earlier with the epic push and eventual championship crowning of Homicide, as the heart of ROH finally won the title that had always eluded him. He beat Danielson and it was one hell of an emotional moment, and the end of the first chapter in ROH history. Then about a month later Homicide got totally jobbed out to some fat Japanese guy who nobody had ever heard of before, and who then proceeded to run roughshod over the entire promotion for months to come. This is the turning point in ROH history, and the moment that people (namely me) point to as being the beginning of the absolute freefall in the promotion’s quality that would lead to the mega push of Tyler Black and the mega firing of Gabe Sapolsky.

The other story to go along with this match is the fact that about 2 seconds into it, Morishima knocks Danielson’s eye out of the goddamn socket, and Danielson spends the rest of the match as Petey the One Eyed Wrestler. Not that either guy takes this as a sign to wrap thing up or stop having Morishima hit Danielson directly in the face with elbows and clothesline or anything. They go ahead and have a 20 minute match that was anything but exciting, and which featured everything that turned me off about ROH in the first place.

I know I’m biased here. I admit it from the get go. But this whole “Let’s have a 20 minute match with 8,000 near falls in every title match forever no matter what or who is involved” thing ran thin months (if not years) before this match took place, and Danielson’s eye eyedness and Morishima’s relative inexperience make this a slow paced awkward affair, with nobody leading and nobody following, and no destination in sight. This was not a good match. I’ve seen these two have good matches, and this was not one of them. Whether you attribute that to me not drinking the Kool Aid, or to me not liking the ROH philosophy after 2005 is something for you to decide for yourself, but if you’re going by my score avoid this match.

Flavor Flav once suggested that I “Don’t Believe The Hype”. In this matter, as in so many others, I will do as he says. I suggest you do too.

56 out of 100.

Takeshi Morishima Over Bryan Danielson Following A Lariat.
Segment 5 – Boy, Things Sure Have Changed.

Cewsh: Let’s go to the photographic evidence.

Dear God, Sideboob! Hide The Children!

Segment 6 – WWF No Mercy 1999 – Terri’s Services/A Bunch Of Cash – Ladder Match – The Brood (Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy) vs. Edge and Christian.

Cewsh: Man, how weird is this?

Part of the fun of reviewing old matches and shows is coming face to face with people who are prominent now back when they were in their larvae stage. So when this match came down the pipe, I was beside myself with excitement to go back and see how all four of these huge stars from today looked and wrestled back in the day. Boyyyyyyy have things changed. Jeff is sober, Matt is skinny, Christian has that ridiculous long hair, and Edge is a fucking stick figure. Totally bonkers.

Anyhow, down to business. This match is the finals of a best of 5 series between these two tags teams where the winner will get $100,000 and the, ahem, services of Miss Terri Runnels. This is also, to my knowledge, the very first tag team ladder match ever contested on PPV. ALSO there’s the small story in the background where Edge and Christian used to be members of the Brood, but were uprooted for Jeff and Matt, son Gangrel supports his new boys for all of 10 seconds before he gets ejected and is no longer a factor. But at least we get the entrance!

Pimps.

Once these guys get going I can’t even begin to relate to you all the things that they do. Every move in their arsenal is incorporated with ladders, and they come up with some spots that I’m still shocked by 11 years later. Jeff’s seesaw attack with the ladders propped up still makes my jaw drop, and his sky high leg drop jumping from one ladder over another is an image I’ll never forget. These guys destroy themselves to give us the ultimate car crash, and no matter how many times you see it, it just never loses its luster. This is an entirely insane thing to behold, and is made even more incredible when you consider how absolutely botch free the entire thing is. The chemistry and preparation here is so strong that it is almost shockingly smooth. This is the ladder match perfection that every such match has been chasing ever since.

They didn’t tell a story, and they didn’t need one. This is the match that made four stars that we still watch every week to this very day. Name another match off the top of your head that you can say that about. This match is a piece of history.

And Gangrel was fucking rad.

90 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal Of Approval.

Vice: This match makes four people in under 20 minutes. When the match starts, no one in the arena gives much of a shit. With almost 19,000 people in the crowd, you’d think there’d be at least SOME noise. But no. It shows how little the people really cares about these guys at the moment. I once played a game of chess against a random guy in a park with about 5 people watching, and those 5 people made more noise for a pawn getting taken out than 19,000 people made for these guys beating the shit out of each other with ladders. Entirely true story, too. I’m actually fairly good at chess. And, ladies, I’m single. Call me xoxo.

It’s only a matter of time, though, before the crowd starts waking up. And not only do they wake up, they catch fire, and erupt for EVERYTHING that happens as they are now completely eating out of the hands of each contestant in this match. Every single person was silent at the beginning, and every single person was jumping up and down screaming and giving standing ovations at the end. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an incredible change in the span of a single match before.

This was just a damn good ladder match. I think as wrestling fans we’ve all been conditioned for ridiculously crazy spots in these kinds of matches that going back and watching a match like this can seem fairly.. underwhelming. There was nothing HUGE that happened here. No 20 foot ladders. No craziness. When the match was over, I just kind of said “..oh” in my head and sat there with a blank face as I tapped my finger on my desk. Then about a minute and a half later, as if a large animal whacked me in the balls with its paw, it just hit me how great the match was. It didn’t rely on holy shit moments, super contrived spots, and all the other things that plague a lot of gimmick matches these days. It was just well amazingly executed for what it was, and four stars were created here, and it helped shape the future of WWE.

It’s also amazing to see how sane Jeff Hardy looked (all things considered), and how fucking thin and in shape Matt is. Wow. I’ll take this Matt Hardy over the Fatt Hardy of today. Ugh. He just looks so slimy. In a number of ways.

The Brood Over Edge And Christian Following The Retrieval Of The Bag Of Mystery.
Segment 7 – WWE Raw 2001 – Buff Bagwell vs. Booker T.

Cewsh: Oh boy. Booker vs. Buff. The very first WCW match ever aired on WWE television (technically). To hear the rumors tell it, this was the match that the entire Invasion angle was banking on. See, the theory is that WWE intended to give WCW their own show, and let the WCW get themselves over on their own program, leading to supercard match ups down the line at Wrestlemania and the like. It was never proven that that was the plan, but if it was, then this is generally considered to be the match that fucked the whole thing up. This whole affair is viewed by smarks as some kind of cross between David Arquette winning the WCW title and Buff Bagwell taking a dump on your mom’s chest (that’s totally her thing). So now, thanks to a malicious match suggestion, Vice and I are forced to view this abomination in wrestling history.

Wanna hear a secret?

Are you sure?

Are you suuuuuuure?

Here goes.

This really isn’t bad at all.

I know, anathema to the internet wrestling fan that it is, the reality is that it is just a pretty good tv match. Perhaps it needed to be this grandiose thing to justify the enormously ridky direction that they allegedly wanted to go with it, and obviously Buff Bagwell is the wrong guy to sell anyone on anything, including Buff Bagwell. But what actually happened on my screen was Booker T being the great babyface that I know and love from the era,
and Buff being so ridiculously over the top that I couldn’t help but grin watching him.

Of course the WWE guys come out and beat up Booker, and Buff randomly joins with them to kick Booker’s ass. Which doesn’t make any sense really, but hey, why not?

People have a ton of very strong feelings about the WCW Invasion angle. I get that. And there isn’t a whole lot that my opinion may do to change that. But when it comes to the match that happened in that ring on that night, I think we need to let go of some of our ridiculous memories and see what was actually there.

Or maybe everything seems just better after the Kennel From Hell.

64 out of 100.

Vice: AND HERE. WE. GO.

When people think of terrible matches that are an embarrassment to this [strike]sport[/strike] soap opera, one that’s generally towards the top of the list is this match right here. This is a historic match because it was WCW having the main event slot on Monday Night RAW after being bought out by WWE. Lots of people trash the Invasion angle because the lack of big names that came from WCW. Hogan, Sting, Goldberg, Flair, Nash, Hall, Savage,.. all of them were nowhere to be found for one reason or another. Booker was the biggest star, and basically everyone below him was a jobber. Buff Bagwell happened to be the guy challenging Booker T in the main event. Yes, the best they could do was Buff Bagwell.

And these two go out and completely stink up the place with a dreadful match tha– wait a tick. Where was the awful match here? Serious question. Yeah it’s shit that Bagwell was one of the representatives of WCW, but these two guys didn’t actually put on a bad match. It wasn’t a good match by any means, but it sure as hell isn’t the absolute stinker that everyone else makes it out to be. Kinda baffling, really.

Sure it basically foreshadowed how clunky the Invasion was to become, but hey, these guys shouldn’t be punished and ridiculed. They put on a perfectly acceptable TV match, which was hurt by the crowd not knowing much about them and thus not really giving a shit. And correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t they going to be in HOTLANTA the next week, where the WCW guys would have been treated like heroes? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to have WCW main event that show? Then again, that’d be smart and it wouldn’t be sabotaging WCW.. so.. yeah. Made sense for them to have this match when they did.

 

Booker T Over Buff Bagwell Followed By A Lot Of Disqualificaion Related Activity.
Segment 8 – WWF Breakdown 1998 – Owen Hart vs. Edge.

Cewsh: What a fun goddamn match this was.

Here he get our second dose of Edge, and this one is even older than the last, as this is back in the days when he was being pushed as a mysterious singles wrestler who wore eyeliner and was, well, mysterious. Here he’s wrestling his first really high profile match against Owen Hart on PPV, and while I think Owen is technically supposed to be some sort of heel here, the people don’t give a fuck and are cheering the FUCK out of him. As well they might. Unfortunately they wouldn’t get the chance to enjoy him for much longer.

The action here is fast and furious, and really puts Edge on the map almost immediately, as he dominates the majority of it.

Yeah, I’ve Got Something He Could Dominate Alright. Mmm.

I really can’t think of a time from that era where an up and comer was given 17 minutes to tell a story and get themselves over in the ring like this, so it’s really cool to see Owen absolutely putting Edge over as his equal, and having a fantastic match in the process. Towards the end, Edge appears to have the upper hand until a mysterious figure (guess who!) with long blonde hair and glasses steps out of the crowd and stares coolly at him, allowing Hart to steal the victory. And just like that they’re made a new star and introduced an interesting new character in one segment. I may be sort of generally anti-Attitude Era, but that, boys and girls, is great booking.

Great match, great booking, and good times. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know.

84 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: I really have to go back and watch more Owen. I saw him weekly back when I watched RAW as a lad, and I thought he was pretty great. I was at a house show one time and he was cutting a promo, and I yelled out “SHUT UP, NUGGET” at the top of my lungs and he turned around and looked in my direction with a little smirk on his face. It was great, and the first time I ever really “interacted” with a wrestler. Later I’d give a nod to Tony Mamaluke on his way to the bathroom, have Rocky Romero tell me he hated me, and have Homicide throw someone into the guard rail I was sitting next to, bashing it into my knees that are held together by duct tape.

Owen is a fantastic wrestler. I’d say he was just as good as Bret in the in-ring department, plus a ton more charisma and personality. And better music. Sure he broke Austin’s neck, but hey, it worked out for both.

This was a really fun match. Nothing spectacular, but just really entertaining to watch. Plus at the end, Christian shows up for the first time and stares at Edge in a very simple, but extremely effective debut. More people need to debut like that. They don’t have to be family members or anything, but just have some crazy new person come out and eye someone else down. That or just have them debut and go undefeated for a few months! That worked nearly a decade and a half ago with Goldberg, so surely it’d work now.

Good shit here. RIP, Owen.

Owen Hart Over Edge Following A Roll Up.


Segment 9 – Halo 3 X-Box Live Match – Matthew vs. Vice.

Vice: Originally the Halo match between Matthew and I was going to be a part of this event as a bonus feature because his lawyers intervened and demanded it be put on display for everyone, but guess what? We have better lawyers, and they ruined his lawyers as badly as I ruined him in that game. Eat it, Matthew.


Cewsh
: I concur.


Segment 10 – WWF Badd Blood 1997 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Hell In A Cell – Shawn Michaels © vs. The Undertaker.

Cewsh: Ah, the Hell in a Cell. Long has it been pretty much the definitive WWE gimmick match, and they seem like they’ve been around forever. Yet here we have the very first one, and it’s only just a teenager. Ah, memories.

Now while you may remember the match, what you may not remember so crystal clear is the storyline leading into it. See, at this point Shawn Michaels is a cocky heel champion who is pretty much an insufferable prick both on and off screen. He has D-Generation X off and running with Triple H, Chyna and Rick Rude, and Bret Hart has been packaged off to WCW, so things are pretty much looking up for him in the company. Little did he, or anyone else really, know that this feud would cause him to need serious back surgery and would end his career for a good long while, much less that the Undertaker would OFFICIALLY end his career in the space age year 2010. Man history has a funny way of sneaking up on you.

Anyhow, so Shawn is a huge twat, so the Undertaker manipulated him into a match of Taker’s choosing, and he chose the debut of this Hell in a Cell concept, so that DX couldn’t interfere and so that Shawn couldn’t get away. I’m sure he’s glad he did, too, because for the better part of this match, Shawn tries his damndest every which way to escape the Undertaker’s wrath to absolutely no avail, including a plunge through the announce table while hanging off the cage that was the biggest bump of the decade, before Mick Foley trumped it by a billion a year later.

Fucking Insane For Its Day.

If you’ve seen these guys wrestle before, you know that the chemistry has always been there. Shawn takes every bump like he’s getting shot out of a cannon, and the Undertaker is such a rare combination of size, speed and presence, that it feels like Shawn is fighting for his goddamn life out there. They go back and forth in an absolutely epic contest, until the lights go out and Paul Bearer emerges trailing the Undertaker’s much talked about, but never seen brother. Kane.

Oh Shit!

Taker seems in awe of the spectacle of this big red bastard, and Kane wastes no time making an impression, as he rips the door off of the goddamn cell and climbs into the ring.

Way Less Goofy in Gif Form.

With Taker still clearly shaken by his appearance, Kane takes the opportunity to shoot some flames and Tombstone his brother, allowing Michaels to get the afterthought pin and remain the champion. For today at least.

This has long been heralded as one of the greatest matches of all time, and almost indisputably the best Hell in a Cell match of all time. Now I don’t necessarily agree with either of those assertions, the this really illustrates the best that the Attitude Era had to offer. Two over wrestlers with complex characters meeting in a great match (one of the handful from the day), and some shenanigans that only added to the story that the match was telling. Finally topped off with an ending that left you with more questions than answers and a burning need to see what happens next. This is a strong, strong, strong match, and probably my favorite from the time period, and the history that comes after it, only serves to add another layer of importance and meaning to an already excellent match experience.

So, in closing, it doesn’t suck.

93 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal Of Approval .

Vice: This match was given five stars by The Meltz and is generally regarded as one of the best matches in WWE history. Some go on to say that it is THE best match. To that I say no. I wouldn’t even consider it the best hell in a cell match, because I still think Lesnar/Undertaker is better. However, I’ve seen this match two or three times now and it does get better with each viewing, so maybe I just need to watch it like 10 more times to fully get it.

There’s a ton of goodness here, though. Since it was the first hell in a cell, everything about it was fresh at the time and it’s still fresh now, which shows how good it is and how well they worked with the gimmick. It was put together amazingly creatively. When I was talking with Cewsh as we watched this, he mentioned how they had no idea how to film such a thing, because there were wacky camera angles, the camera men kept getting in the way, and it generally just felt like a mess. To me, this is awesome and showed just how fucking crazy this match really was. It wasn’t perfectly produced like the cell matches these days. No, this was just all over the place and made the match seem so much more barbaric and chaotic.

Plus, it actually worked into the match very well. At one point, Shawn gets flung into camera man and it looks like it’s a complete accident at first, but then Shawn goes nuts and starts beating the shit out of the poor guy while he’s down. This leads to the ref being escorted out, which means that Shawn can get the fuck out of there and they can go on top of the cell and all of that. It was just so perfectly done, and Shawn plays it perfectly. The second the door is opened, you can practically see his exact train of thought and his desperation to escape, because let’s face it, nobody wants to be stuck in a cell with Taker.

I loved the use of the chair(s) in this match. It’s what got the feud going, and they made damn sure to hammer it home. Weapons were kept to a minimum, which was nice, because it was about Shawn not wanting to be in there and not both men wanting to kill each other. It’s kind of crazy to think that it was only a few months ago that these guys were main eventing Wrestlemania together, and just how much fucking history and how many great matches these two have put on together.

Cherish The Win Shawn. The Future Is Unkind.

So yeah, this match was pretty much perfect for what it needed to be, and was executed very well. It holds up amazingly well even after so many years that it really cements itself as an all-time classic. Oh yeah, and some big dude clad in red shows up here for the first time. It’s gotta be Kane! Ripping the cell door off was rather immense. I giggled when he did the tombstone piledriver though. I think it’d have been more effective had he just tombstoned the shit out of Taker, but instead he did the Tommy Dreamer piledriver. You know, the one where Dreamer picks up the girl in the short skirt and sniffs her thongy camel toe (and nip slips) to each side of the arena and then drops them down. Kane is a perv. Man I miss old Kane though. Such a great look, such great mannerisms, everything. Ugh. I was such a huge mark for the bastard.

Shawn Michaels Over The Undertaker Following Shenanigans.
 —————————–
Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: What a fun experiment this turned out to be.

We got to see some stuff we never expected, and we got to set the record straight on a few things from the past. And, naturally, WE HAD TO WATCH DOGS TAKING A SHIT FOR YOU BASTARDS.

Ahem. Err, I apparently have a new set of anger issues stemming from this. But that’s besides the point. Remember tonight’s overall show score, because the next time we do one of these go rounds, we’ll be comparing the two shows that you guys created and grading YOU on your booking abilities. It’s a two way street, baby, and we’re inconsiderate drivers.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 68.75 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, this was a very good fan selected show. When Cewsh and I planned this out, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. You guys had the opportunity to completely torture us, but thankfully that was kept to a minimum, and instead gave us some really good fun matches. For that, I thank all of you. I’m hoping we get to do this again.

And seriously, everyone should thank d1 for compiling all the matches. He did a fantastic job and not only gave you all something spiffy to watch, but, well, he also saved me a ton of time putting it together and rendering/uploading it, and saved us a lot of time trying to hunt all these matches down. Thank you, d1. The Mega Man DVD is yours if you want it, good sir.

Vice’s Final Score: 77 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We hope you enjoy the show that you made yourselves, and we hope it got you charged up to do another one in the future, and we’ll keep you posted on when. Next week with have something altogether unexpected, as we review Ring Of Honor’s Death Before Dishonor VII, main evented by none other than Tyler Black, Davey Richards, and Gabe Sapolsky’s erection. The reason we are subjecting ourselves to this is because people have been screaming from the rooftops that those two had one of the best matches in years, a feat so unlikely that they may have flown off on magical wish granting dragons afterwards. So we’ll cover that and let you decide for yourself, and in the meantime make sure you keep reading, and be good to one another.

WWE Fatal Four Way 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE FATAL FOUR WAY 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens to yet another installment of the captivatingest reviews in all of the kingdom, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you tonight, as we are set to review the only WWE show of the year where you are guaranteed to have a fatal four way match, WWE Fatal Four Way! So, I mean, if that’s what you’re into, this is pretty much the greatest night of your entire life. If you, on the other hand, are mostly ambivalent towards four ways (I prefer foursomes myself, rawr) then this is still at least kind of exciting as WWE starts to rev its engines in preparation for the quickly oncoming Summerslam. Will the NXT rookies make their presence felt on this show? Why are there only like 4 matches on this card? And what on this show made Ms. Cewsh howl with rage? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: This video was pretty good.

No really, it was. It was a perfectly serviceable video that showed the matches and some of the storylines existing in the background behind the title matches. They, naturally, focus on the Detective Kane storyline and actually totally leave out the NXT rookies storyline, which is sort of odd. The only real issue here is something that Vice has belabored again and again about WWE, which is their use of completely dull and uninspired licensed songs. The theme to this show could be summed up using word like “meh”, “who?”, and “zzZzzzZ”.

Not the best thing to have to listen to for an entire 3 hour stretch.

Segment 2 – Hey! You Got Your Talking In My PPV. Well You Got Your PPV In My Talking!

Cewsh: Before any match can begin, Vince McMahon himself marches to the ring and shows everyone the footage of Bret Hart getting fucked the hell up by the NXT guys on Raw the previous week. Vince tells the fans that Bret got injured and won’t be at the show, which must be traumatizing despite the fact that GMs not named Teddy Long are rarely on PPVs anyway.

I have to say, though, Bret has been having a shitty few months back in WWE. First he gets his leg broken by a car (wink wink) and then he gets rammed around in ANOTHER car? Sheesh. Though it’s all his fault, really. Should have read his fortune cookie.

Wait, So The Chinese Screwed Bret This Time?

Anyway, Drew McIntyre comes out at this point and he and Vince give each other a sensual, but tasteful, massage, before Drew calls Teddy Long to the ring and tells him that Vince McMahon is forcing him to sit and watch the next match. Why? Well…


Segment 3 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Kofi (The Loyal Subject Of Prince Nana) Kingston © vs. Drew (Leveled Up Kendrick) McIntyre.

Cewsh: Right, so as I was saying, the story behind this match is, in a nutshell, that Drew McIntyre is a huge cockface. Ever since he started feuding with Matt Hardy and Teddy Long stripped him of the title, suspended and finally fired him for beating Matt half to death, Drew has been making everyone’s life a living hell. Teddy Long has gotten the brunt of this as the precocious authority figure tasked with keeping Drew in line. He might be capable of this, if Vince McMahon weren’t keeping Drew ass deep in notes excusing him from matches, reinstating him, knocking his losses off of the official record and so on and so forth. Along the line this feud also shifted to include Kofi Kingston when Kofi won a tournament for the vacant IC title, and Vince made him give it back to Drew.

So basically what you need to know is that Kofi, Matt, and Teddy all hate Drew quite a bit, and Drew really could not care less since he has Vince in his pocket. All caught up? All right then.

Now this is about an 18 minute match, and it is not very noteworthy throughout the majority of it, so I’ll spare you superfluous details. Suffice to say that they have themselves a decent spirited match that the crowd is pretty into, and it is completely back and forth until the end. The end begins when Kofi starts humping Drew’s face in the ropes, which caused Drew to throw Kofi directly into the face of the unsuspecting referee, who really wasn’t expecting to be molested when he woke up this morning. With the referee out, Drew hits his spike DDT finishing move and goes for the cover, but there’s nobody there to make the count. Stymied as to what to do about this, he freaks out. That is, until he is struck by an idea.

He quickly runs to ringside and grabs Teddy Long. He informs Teddy that Teddy will now act as the referee for this match (yes, believe it or not, it has been established previously that any WWE official or authority figure can become a referee at any time if necessary). He covers Kofi, and Teddy reluctant counts 1….2…and then Teddy stops. Drew looks at him wide eyed as Teddy tells him to (politely) go fuck himself and refuses to finish the count. Now the crowd is going fucking nuts for Teddy Long. Then the magic happens.


“Somebody Save Me!”


*misses kick by a mile*


“I Meant Somebody Good.

Yes, Matt Hardy rushes in to save the day, and Kofi Kingston takes this chance to regain consciousness and nail Drew with the Trouble In Paradise (Ghana is paradise?) for the win. He then jumps around like he’s a roady at a Van Halen concert while making sure to sell that pesky arm that Drew worked over for 15 minutes by vigorously pumping it in the air in celebration.

Kofi Kingston. Athletic, skinny, student of the John Cena Selling Academy.

This was a pretty good match. It was strange at points to see Drew desperately working over Kofi’s arm when none of Kofi’s offense, or Drew’s for that matter, revolves around the arm at all, whatsoever. They went on and on and on, and this dragged pretty bad in the middle, but the finish was white hot, and really brought this story to a satisfying conclusion where Teddy stood up for himself, and Matt got his revenge (sort of). I have no idea where it goes from here, but the whole thing certainly is getting Drew McIntyre over as a dastardly heel, so if nothing else, it’s succeeding.

75 out of 100.


Ms.Cewsh
: I really enjoyed the Drew/Teddy Long/Kofi/Hardy/everyone angle on Smackdown last week, but I’m disappointed by the spill over to tonight’s match. Kofi and Drew have a really long, pretty OK match, before the ref get’s knocked out. Drew forces Teddy to get in the ring, put on a ref’s shirt, and call the match. Teddy picks this moment to find his spine and refuses, not to ref, but to ref CORRECTLY.

First, that’s not very Face of you, Mr. Long. Two wrongs do not make a right, and all that. Second, like this isn’t going to come back and bite you in the ass? Drew’s just going to cry to Vince, get another rematch, and you’re going to get fired. For what? So Matt Hardy can run in. It was disappointing and it didn’t make Kofi, your champion, look good or strong.

Plus it required me to watch a like 3 hour Kofi match.

47 out of 100.

Kofi Kingston Over Drew McIntyre Following The Trouble In Paradise.
Segment 4 – More Like The FART Dynasty, Am I Right?


Cewsh
: Yes, I am 25 believe it or not. It’s just a shame for you ladies (and gentlemen) that a wit like mine is off the market.

Ahem, the Hart Dynasty are backstage talking about how fucked up the whole NXT thing with their uncle Bret was, and are totally pissed that they even have to work tonight what with their loved one in the hospital and all. They apparently plan to take this out on their opponents tonight, or on Tyson’s hair, whichever comes first.


“I Can’t Believe I Sleep With You.”


Segment 5 – WWE Divas Championship – Fatal Four Way Match – – Eve(ntually May Be A Good Wrestler) Torres © vs. Maryse (Is Hard TO Rhyme With Things) vs. Gail (I HAVE A MATCH!) Kim vs. Alicia (Clever As A) Fox.


Ms.Cewsh
: This is a really good women’s match, marred by the shit-tastic announcing. Cole doesn’t know who the Jumping Bomb Angels are. Jesus wept.

Oh, and Striker, King, if a double submission is locked in, we restart the match to further embarrass the submitee. Obvs.

Still, all four women can wrestle, (to varying degrees,) and Eve especially pulls out all the stops. Her Moonsault was fabulous. I’m OK with the title change, because I think Alicia is just the cutest thing on the planet. I want to take her home and put her on a shelf. ❤ If Eve hadn't wanted her to win the match, maybe she shouldn't have just sat on the outside and pouted.

I know the name of the show is Fatal 4Way, but this really could have been a triple threat, or even an Eve/Alicia single’s match, and not lost anything.

64 out of 100.


Cewsh
: Well look, this match is a mess.

There is exactly one person in this match with 5 years+ experience, and she’s the biggest afterthought in the whole thing. And while they seem to be getting the hang of singles and tag matches, the idea of having a match with four women at the same time and have it be cohesive is a tall goddamn order. That’s not a criticism of them, because most men don’t manage it any better. Once you get 4 people in the ring, the match becomes hard to manage, and you have to avoid the chaos of a battle royal or what have you, so things get difficult.

That said, this match is awkward, and not good. The finish, however, was actually excellent, with Eve landing a vicious neckbreaker on Maryse and nailing her with a beautiful moonsault before being unceremoniously thrown out of the ring by Alicia, allowing Ms. Fox to grab the quick pin and the championship.

So yeah, this match was not good. But Eve and Alicia both showed flashes of skill that makes me intrigued to see how things go in the future. But on this night? Not so much.

57 out of 100.

Alicia Fox Over Eve Torres Following Shenanigans.
Segment 6 – Jesus Fucking Christ.

Cewsh: Look at Rey’s head next to Big Show’s fist. LOOK AT IT.


Askafjha!

I hope Rey brought a gun. Because otherwise this is going to happen.


I Could Watch This For Hours.
Segment 7 – Chris (Sad Face) Jericho vs. Evan (Oh These Doubts That I Have) Bourne.

Cewsh: This match wasn’t actually on the card, but Jericho comes out anyway and cuts a promo about how he’s totally on a losing streak and nobody cares about him. So he wants to make an impact now, so people don’t forget how great he is. Also he talks about how awesome he is (he’s right) and the crowd totally cheers for him at every turn since they’re in Smark State, USA in Long Island, New York. So Jericho decides that it is Evan Bourne who he wants to make an example of, and he calls the bastard out for an impromptu match.

And fuck I’m glad he did.

One of the things I feel is missing most from wrestling today is the tendency to just put two great wrestlers in the ring and let them wrestle for awhile just to fill out the card. Some might call it lazy booking or what have you, but what it does is give you something to enjoy visually that you don’t have to get emotionally invested in like the big storylines. TNA throws 800 dudes into matches like this, and WWE often uses this time to get new (green) talent some experience and exposure, so we rarely get a good solid 15 minutes for two exciting, and talented wrestlers to just entertain the audience with their craft. And that’s exactly what these two do.

The crowd is 100% Jericho at the start of this match and is totally ambivalent towards Bourne, but as the match goes on and these two perform exciting combination after exciting combination, the audience gets more and more into this match. They go back and forth and back and forth with near fall after near fall again and again. It’s one of those matches where by the end of it you just have your jaw hanging open in disbelief at each successive kick out, and these guys wrench every single possible drop of interest out of you before it’s done. It’s nuts.

Now this isn’t perfect, and I don’t want to give you the impression that it is. The crowd stays on Jericho’s side throughout, which hurts Bourne’s comebacks a bit, and the match probably goes on about a minute too long, diluting the impact of the near falls by doing a few too many and letting match continue a bit after it seems to climax, but fuck man, those are small complaints next to the pure fun of watching these two wrestle. There are no two ways about it, Chris Jericho made Evan Bourne a star here, selling his offense, and making him look like an equal in absolutely every way before flat out putting him over in decisive fashion. It was fantastic to watch a star being Bourne (I am lame) and if this is what we can expect from Evan in his run to the top then there is reason to be seriously excited for years to come.

Seriously.


Shh! It’s A Wrestler In The Middle Of A “Selling” Ritual. A Rarely Seen Treat.

85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval. 

 

Ms.Cewsh: This is not a bad match. It’s not a life changing match, but it’s certainly never going to be described as bad. Unfortunately, I just don’t have anything to say about it. It’s not that I don’t like Jericho, but his promo pre-match was probably more entertaining than anything they did in the ring.

78 out of 100.

Evan Bourne Over Chris Jericho Following The Air Bourne.


Segment 8 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Fatal Four Way Match – Jack (Kane’s) Swagger © vs. Big (Gonna) Show vs. Rey (Kill) Mysterio vs. CM (You) Punk.

Cewsh:

This Match In Pictures:

Hey, What’s Kane Doing Here?


Aww, Poor Punk. I Guess He’s Not Winning.


Wait, So It’s Only Swagger And Mysterio Left? And Mysterio Hit The 619?


Wait A Second. WAIT A SECOND.


????!!?!?!?!!!!!??!!!

72 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh look, I can copy paste my review from the last match, except sub “Jericho promo” for “Kane run-in”.

71 out of 100.

Rey Mysterio Over Everyone Else Following The Springboard Splash.

Segment 9 – Rhythm Cenation.

Cewsh: John Cena is backstage and he’s very concerned about the NXT rookies interfering in his match. He respects them all, of course, but he’s worried about them fucking things up, and apparently the 4 guys in that match have an unspoken agreement to team up if the NXT guys do show up.

Oh silly Cena. Good guy mistake number one : assuming bad guys will stop being bad guys just because they should. I think all know how this is going to go…

Segment 10 – WWE United States Championship – The Miz(ness) © vs. R(oof)-Truth.

Cewsh: Here is all you need to know about this match, seriously. The Miz walks to the ring prior to the match rapping to R-Truth’s entrance music about how he’s great and R-Truth sucks. He forgets the words halfway through and totally freezes up before catching himself and working in his catchphrase. It was a completely unexpected and amusing little addition to an otherwise completely non-noteworthy experience.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t like Miz and Truth aren’t good performers. Miz is starting to come into his own, and at times there is nobody more qualified to deliver an exciting match than R-Truth. But together they just don’t have the chemistry you would need to have this match stand out here, and it doesn’t help that we’ve seen it all before and recently.

Nothing they do here is bad, but it isn’t great either. This was a Raw match on PPV, and that is, I’m afraid, the truth.

65 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Miz’s rap is amazing. HE RHYMED AWESOME WITH BLOSSOM. How can you not love that? R-Truth is clearly a heel for not appreciating such lyrical genius.

Oh the match? Why the hell is it SO LONG?!

59 out of 100.

The Miz Over R-Truth Following Something Or Other.
Segment 11 – Rated R For Really Smart.

Cewsh: Edge is backstage with Todd Grisham and he tells him some psychology profiles of Cena, Orton and Sheamus. They’re dead on and make Edge look like he actually has a plan on how to win, which is way more than you can say for Dr. McCena over there, pouting because nobody likes him. MAN UP CENA. MAN UP.

Segment 12 – The Hart Dynaty (Tyson Kidd, DH Smith, and Natalya Neidhart) vs. The Samoan Syndicate (Jimmy Uso, Jay Uso, and Tamina).

Cewsh: So recently the Uso Brothers (sons of Rikishi actually) burst onto the scene with Tamina (the daughter of Jimmy Snuka, noted insane person) as their manager, making trouble for the Hart Dynasty and seeking after their tag titles. The big thing about the Syndicate is that they aren’t the savages that Samoans are usually represented as, but instead are some smooth talking playboys who have a serious grudge against any other family in wrestling history. Naturally this leads to this 6 man tag, rather than a tag team title match, because realistically, it doesn’t really make a huge difference in the scheme of things.

The match gets going and three things become IMMEDIATELY clear. First, the Usos are good. Like, really fucking good. They’re smooth, the have personality, they’re fast and they have some terrific duo moves. They’re like the savages of old, except that can seriously move around the ring and it’s fun to watch. The second thing is that Natalya is way, way, way, way, way too good at wrestling to be stuck as a valet while the Women’s and Divas divisions struggle to find footing. She could be the face of the division NOW. Not later. NOW.


The Hart Dynasty, Ranked By Quality From Left To Right.

The third, and final thing to notice about this match, is that nobody cares. The fans sit on their hands throughout and you could probably here a child crying because he couldn’t get the extra large soda glass with John Cena on it in the 100th row before you heard any sort of enthusiasm directed at these wrestlers. So much for the resurgence of tag wrestling. This is the smark crowd that is supposed to WANT it. Shame.

So that’s the match in a nutshell. The Usos made a great impression, Natalya performed outside of any reasonable expectations, and the crowd left en masse for the bathroom. What more do you need to know?

70 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: This match happened so long after their promo, I wasn’t sure it was still going on tonight. The Usos are another really interesting thing going on in the company right now. I’m kind of loving them, although Tamina could really use a stylist.

Nattie is wrestling! I’m so excited!

Except I still don’t have anything to say! GDI, readers, I have writer’s block and this show isn’t helping. Let’s go with

65 out of 100.

The Hart Dynasty Over The Samoan Syndicate Following A Discus Clothesline From Natalya To Tamina.


Segment 13 – WWE Championship – John (The NXT Guys) Cena © vs. Edge (Are Gonna) vs. Randy (Beat The Fuck) Orton vs. (Out Of You) Sheamus.

Cewsh: There’s not much you need to know about this match that the interviews all show long haven’t already spelled out for you, but if you haven’t been watching Raw recently, you may be totally unaware of the wildcard here. A few weeks ago, during a CM Punk vs. John Cena match, the entire cast of NXT season 1 came out through the crowd and demolished the entire show. They left Cena down and out on a stretcher, took out the Straight Edge Society, destroyed the announcers, the ring staff, the road agents, the ring, the set, everything. They dismantled the entire show and left everyone wondering what the fuck this shit is all about.

The following week, Bret Hart fired Wade Barrett (the winner of season 1, and therefore the only one with a contract) and the group responded by putting him in a limo and ramming it into another one, severely injuring him. They have ambushed and beaten down everyone in front of them for weeks now, and they have made it known that they have every intention of making their presence felt here tonight as well. With Cena as their primary target (attack the biggest dog, get the most attention), they are a very real threat to the outcome of this match. A bunch of WWE guys are at the gorilla position (just behind the entrance) watching the match on a monitor on standby for trouble, so how will things go down?

Well first of all, we’re in smark country remember? So this entire match features a rousing refrain of “Let’s Go Cena” “CENA SUCKS” that doesn’t ebb to any extent for several minutes. Then we get ourselves so many feuds relived in such a short time that it’s breathtaking. Orton/Sheamus, Cena/Sheamus, Orton/Edge, Cena/Orton, and, the crème da la crème, Cena/Edge, which made me so excited I may have giggled a little. Maybe. You can’t prove anything.

The match clearly disintegrates into an all out brawl between all four men, and it stays that way as the minutes tick by, with nobody in the position to steal a win without somebody else all up in their grill and suchlike. Finishers are gone for and hit, pins are attempted and broken up, and everybody is flying around trying to pick up the win, but it’s a total stalemate.

Well, until trouble arrives.


Oh Shit, Is It Time For The Dance Off Already?

Oh shit, here we go.

They march down to the ring, and everybody immediately knows what is up. Cena, Edge and Orton try to stave off the attack, but all three of them get decimated. And while they’re all stomping the life out of Edge on the outside, Sheamus sneaks into the ring and pins Cena out of nowhere to win the match and the title! He grins into the camera and then bolts off through the crowd to avoid the retribution. The NXT guys angrily fuck up Cena some more, prompting Sheamus to come back out and pose with the belt until the NXT guys give chase and they all run away, leaving the entire ringside area littered with the bodies of WWE”s biggest stars.

And then, to add insult to injury, the crowd chants “Daniel Bryan” until we go to black.


Sweet Dreams, John.

Wow.

As a match, this was pretty good, but nothing special. All four guys did their job, and things carried on about how you’d expect. But to feel the crowd come alive when those NXT guys come out through the curtain tearing shit up, and to watch the utter devastation they wreck on the whole proceedings is amazing, and something I’ve never seen replicated in wrestling. They would easily be defeated on their own, but to see a horde of motherfuckers just pile on to Cena, bringing him down with sheer press of numbers is such a foreign concept and visual, that it has shocked me into full on excitement. This is one of WWE’s hottest story lines in YEARS, and the best part is that I have no idea where it isn’t going to go.

The score is for the match, and what we see on the screen. But at this point, the angle as a whole gets a million out of 100. Believe it.

79 out of 100.


Ms.Cewsh
: Even thought it’s a typical fourway finisher fest, I really enjoy watching all four of these guys. They’re all so good, and finishers look pretty. The match drags a bit, with everyone breaking up everyone else’s pin attempts, and tons of finishers, and then…

NEXUS.

While they’re being all awesome and badass, Sheamus proves he’s even MORE awesome and badass and steals the win from Cena. I far prefer badass monster heels to cocky little chickens. Sheamus is really coming into his own and I’m very compelled by it.

82 out of 100.

Sheamus Over Everyone Else Following Shenanigans.
—————————————————
Cewsh’s Concussion:

Cewsh: This was a weird ass show, man. Reading about it was probably a lot better than actually watching it, because the result of every match and the implications for the future are awesome and so, so exciting, while the matches themselves were long and, for the most part, totally nondescript. Ultimately I don’t know whether to recommend it to you or not. I’ve never seen a show that was so boring and exciting at the same time in my entire wrestling watching career. Just keep in mind what happened and watch every Raw and Smackdown from here on. This shit is starting to get juicy.


“DID SOMEBODY ORDER THE JUICE?!”
Cewsh’s Final Score: 71.86 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh’s Management:

Ms. Cewsh: WWE has a lot of really compelling, new storylines going on. I’m loving Detective Kane and The Nexus, I’m finding Teddy/Drew/Kofi/Matt interesting, and I’m really intrigued by all the title changes. Unfortunately, none of that really translated to a good show. None of the matches ended clean and none of the wrestling stood out. For a show with such ramifications, there just wasn’t anything to say.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 66.5 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our rugged night of scandalous foursomes, and we hope it was as good for you as it was for us. Well, better actually. It was our first time and, frankly, there are some kinks to be worked out. At any rate, though, we could not possibly be more excited with next week on the horizon, as the fruits of your endlessly difficult (read: brief and simple) reader collaboration bears fruit in the form of our first ever Cewsh Reviews Mega Super Ultra Dream Review Slam Dunk He’s On Fire Slammarama (its tentative title). You guys submitted the matches, and we’ve assembled the card, and the only thing left is to review that damn show and curse you all for the matches you picked.

So be sure to be ready for that, and keep cool during this dreadful summer heat, and if you find the time in your busy schedule be sure to keep reading and be good to one another!

TNA Slammiversary VIII.

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA SLAMMIVERSARY VIII

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only review blog that turns pink when you enter the Konami Code, Cewsh Reviews! We have a special treat for you all tonight, as we put on our fancy penguin suits and prepare to herald the eight anniversary of Total Nonstop Action. The red carpet has been rolled out, the lights are on bright, and I’m typing this on a golden keyboard with diamond keys. That shit’s fancy. Now over the past eight years, TNA has given us many things. Great matches, memorable rivalries, terrific memories, and all the unintentional humor that we can stuff in a sack. So here, tonight, we’ll take the time to look back on the old days as we march through this years offering. It’s a chance to treasure those memories that we’ll never forget. Like the time that Monty Brown called Samoa Joe a “Hippophant” (half hippo, half elephant) and that time where Rhino had a good match.

But that’s the past, and this year TNA is moving into the future, so we will not neglect the current goings on in the fast paced world of TNA. Will Rob Van Dam be able to withstand Sting’s wrath? Is Mr. Anderson’s loyalty to Jeff Hardy a ploy by the world’s biggest asshole? And what the hell is Dixie Carter’s big announcement all about? All this and partial nudity are right ahead of you. And there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: TNA, while occasionally inconsistent at these sort of things, never disappoint at the big shows. This was a fantastic opening hype video for this show, showing the history of TNA and really making things here feel like a big ol’ deal. The interesting thing is, though, the people who were, and were not, included in the story of TNA. We got about 800 images of Kurt Angle, and about negative 800 images of Kurt Angle. We got a long bit of Samoa Joe, but practically no AJ Styles. And for fuck’s sake, where was Shark Boy?! It’s almost like they don’t even want to acknowledge their greatest ever talent!

For shame TNA. Sharks never forget.

Segment 2 – Kazarian (Has Recently Become Interested In Equestrian) vs. Kurt (Best In The Galaxy) Angle.

Cewsh: Now there are some things in professional wrestling that will always be true, no matter what happens or how much time passes. Hulk Hogan will say “brother”. John Cena will win the feud, and The Iron Sheik will desire to enforce your humility via sodomy. As pertains to this match the two eternal truths are that Kazarian will be agonizingly bland, and Kurt Angle will have a good match. Neither of those things gets disproven here.

Recently Kurt Angle came back from his month vacation and declared that before he gets another title shot he wants to work his way up through the ranks and earn it. He was therefore propelled to the bottom of TNA’s top ten rankings, and is set to face the tenth ranked competitor (Kazarian, obviously) here, to begin his journey to the title. This all seems to be part of a push to have Kurt Angle put over non main eventers by having fan fucking tastic matches with them, and there’s nobody better equipped for the job. Here he leads Kazarian through a match entirely too epic and evenly matches for someone of Kazarian’s stature, but in doing so he makes Kazarian looks like a trillion dollars. They go back and forth trading signature moves for a good long time, and this match would be fun to watch simply to see the crazy and fun things they come up with and do to one another before Angle finally reverses into the Ankle Lock and calls it a night.

Also This Happened, But It Was No Big Deal.

This was exactly what it was intended to be. It was a fun, competitive match that put over both Kazarian and Angle, and got this show off to a fantastic start. So as much as it kills me to do, I have to give the stamp of approval to a match involving Kazarian.

Fuck.

It was easier to give it to Rhino.

83 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: When Kazarian is just Kazarian and doing things that Kazarian does because he is Kazarian, he’s pretty damn boring, even by Kazarian standards. I really don’t know what his deal is. Like, the dude can be an absolute blast to watch when he’s getting a push. I’m not sure if he sandbags because he is unhappy and TNA tussles his hair and cheers him up with a push, or if he goes fucking nuts in the ring and TNA immediately jerks off and gives him the push because of that.. but there are two very, very different Kazarians. And no, I’m not talking about him and Suicide. Fnarr.

Here is happy Kazarian working with Kurt fucking Angle, and the results are actually shockingly good. That’s not me saying this is a five star match or anything, but Kazarian has a bonfire under his ass and a fantastic wrestler to work off of in Kurt Angle, so it’s a very good opening match. If I was TNA management and in charge of firing people, there are a lot of times I’d love to cut Kazarian, but every time I see a performance like this, I remember all the times he’s been on fire and realize that firing him would be a terrible mistake.

There is a reason why this guy will pretty much stay in TNA as long as he wants to. I’m curious to see where he goes in the coming weeks. Angle picks up the victory, which was expected, and begins his rise into the top rankings. Fuck he is good at what he does. I still can’t believe people have the balls to call him a shit wrestler because he had like two years when he was unmotivated and hopped up on drugs, and wasn’t putting on great matches night in and night out. The dude is a legend.

Kurt Angle Over Kazarian Following The Ankle Lock.
Segment 3 – TNA X Division Championship – Doug (Funny) Williams © vs. Brian (Boitano) Kendrick.

Cewsh: Take a deep breath here, because this X Division match actually has some backstory to it. The idea here is that Douglas Williams is the champion, and represents sort of the anti-X Division. He’s a technical wrestling expert, and doesn’t believe in high flying of any sort, turning his nose up at the whole thing. Kendrick is here to serve as the newest “X Division guy” to try to get the belt off of Williams so that the flippies can continue. Also, Kendrick is going to utilize his “third eye” to win, according to him, which is a solid plan. Of course this was countered by Taz on commentary saying “Just so long as he doesn’t use his third leg!”

Because Taz is awful.

“You, Sir, Are Absolutely Right.”

They get down to business, and this match immediately opens into something special. The exchange holds, work each other all around the ring, and continually stymie one another with reversals and counter reversals (if that’s a real thing). They both do a great job of staging a really fast paced, but fundamentally sound match, and they seem completely evenly matched until Dougie goes for the Chaos Theory and Kendrick reverses it into the very technical “Biting Of The Arm”. Then Kendrick, with the upper hand goes for a superplex, but Dougie viciously uppercuts him off the ropes and as Kendrick rises, Doug meets him with a sick Jumping Tornado DDT. Douglas gives a wink to the camera, and picks up the three count, having retained his status as the unbeatable anti-Champion.

This was a really fun match, much like the one that preceded it. People tend to forget that Kendrick is very comfortable doing mat wrestling, and they always seem to classify him as just another flippy guy. Here, he proves what he can do when he’s given the chance to wrestle someone who can bring that side out of him. Douglas, for his part, continues his transformation into one of the most well rounded heels in the entire country here. Having the ending be him using a flashy X-Division move, and him winking at the camera is pure brilliance, making him a hypocrite and a mocking jerk all at the same time. This is the best X-Division match in a long, long, long time, and with Doug as champion, it may well continue on that way.

Two great matches in a row to start a pay per view?

Who are you and what have you done with my TNA?

82 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: I love Kendrick in TNA. Doug Williams can, somehow, be found in my top 5 in TNA, which shows just how great he has become.

There’s not a ton to say about this match aside from the fact that it is extremely fundamentally sound and is a legitimately good match. The end is great with him defeating the X Division at their own game by hitting a nasty tornado DDT off the ropes. See, he’s crapped on the X style so this was a giant slap in the face to Kendrick and the rest of the division. And the second he gets the three count, you can tell just how happy he is with himself.

Doug Williams Over Brian Kendrick Following A Tornado DDT.

Segment 4 – Bisch The Dish.

Cewsh: Eric Bischoff is backstage with his secretary (the former Brooke from WWE), and he likes Rob Van Dam and doesn’t like Sting.

The real question is why Christy would interrupt such an important brainstorming session between Eric and his clearly unqualified secretary. In the words of Stephanie Tanner, “How rude”. I mean look at this picture.

The FOLDER You Perverts. Look At The Folder!

No wonder TNA is so crazy, Bischoff spends all of his time teaching his secretary to read blank folders, and, to be honest, she looks really confused by it. God only knows what Hulk Hogan is doing in the meantime, but if you guessed “Doing commercials for companies that rent toasters”, you’d probably be right.

Shark Boy For Booker!

Segment 5 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Madison (The Career Killer) Rayne © vs. Roxxi (May Have An Unnecessary X).

Cewsh: Okay, before I begin here, there are two distinct parts to this match. There is the part that was actually shown on the PPV, which is what I’m here to review, and there’s the part that happened before and after the PPV itself, which is what I’m here to rant about. So, in fairness to the performers, let’s do the match first.

Ever since the entire Knockouts Division, seemingly, just up and walked out the door over the course of this year, TNA has been seriously hard up for face women to combat the Beautiful People. Rather than using who they already have, this month they reached out to someone they had released previously, and brought back Roxxi. Roxxi debuted with a great new look, and an improved in ring style and presence, and did her best to endure being paired with Roxie Lottalove for the duration of her month long push. Tonight she is set to get the Knockout’s title match she earned by pinning Madison clean in a match on Impact. Simple right?

Well something funny happened on the way to Oz, as Madison prances out to the ring, and informs everyone that it is, like, totally unfair that she has to put her title on the line and Roxxi has nothing to lose. So she demands that Roxxi agree to retire completely if she loses this match. This is a godawful idea, but since she’s a babyface and babfaces are all naturally insane, she agrees to this stipulation. At which point Madison smashes her in the face with a microphone and busts her wide open. They then launch into a match with Madison as the bitchy, bullying heel and Roxxi as the firey face set to overcome the odds, and it’s really great. Roxxi shows great fire, and Madison takes that one final step into cementing herself as a true talent to be reckoned with, as she combines great ability, with some wonderful heel work to set the tone for the match.

In the end Madison cheats and picks up the victory, and Roxxi looks on in shock as she is escorted to the locker room, a bloody mess. Her career is over, and she’s given very little fanfare as the escort her to the locker room for the last time.

WHY did they give her so little fanfare, you be asking? And why did she look like a sad puppy during her entrance?

Well that would be because when she arrived at the building on the night of the show to prepare for her big time title match at one of the biggest shows of the year, they told her that she was fired, and that this match would now be a title vs. career match that she would be losing. That’s right. They told her she was fired and then asked her to GO MAKE THEIR CHAMPION LOOK GOOD ON A LIVE PPV. After the match, in which she was stellar, she was escorted out of the building and was formally released from TNA for the second time. The blowback was intense and immediate, with TNA being buried by women’s wrestlers everywhere, and with April Hunter refusing a TNA tryout due to it, and ODB quitting almost immediately afterwards. It was a disaster from a PR point of view, and is one they’ll have trouble recovering from in the near future.

And since they never bothered to share this stipulation with the television watching masses, none of this earned them a single extra cent on this PPV.

How about a slow clap for good ol’ TNA? WWE might make us crazy, but only the good folks in Orlando have the power to make us headbuttingly mad as always.

Now I don’t want the fact that this was a very, very high quality match to get lost in all of this. It isn’t my job to review what happens behind the scenes and off camera, my job is to let you know what you’ll get to see if you get this show. What you’ll see is Madison Rayne earning her spot as Queen Bee of the rapidly disintegrating Knockouts Division, and you’ll see Roxxi putting on a firey performance that should net her indy booking for years to come.

Let’s not punish the performers for the company they work for. This match was great all on its own.

78 out of 100.

Vice: I’m starting to really fall in love with MADISON RAYNE. And you know I mean that, because I know her name now. MADISON RAYNE. Man, she is such an obnoxious little piece of shit whore of a bitch heel. And I love it. She handled the crowd well and completely ruined Roxxi. Madison tells Roxxi to put her career on the line and Roxxi says yes. Roxxi really could have just said “nah” in SuperHero! fashion, ’cause heels can’t just book matches. But Roxxi, also in SuperHero! fashion, makes it a point to show the world how idiotic a person can be. Though if you want to get technical, she couldn’t have said nah, because TNA legitimately fired her before this match. LOL.

The match starts off with MADISON RAYNE absolutely clocking Roxxi square in the noggin with the microphone, legitimately splitting her head open the hard way. Blood spills out and she’s got a crimson mask and I’ve got a heck of a boner. Coincidence! Honest! This is actually a pretty damn fantastic match with a bloody Roxxi trying to keep her career alive, and failing. I wish that people would remember this for a beloved female putting in one last great match before hanging her boots up and putting someone over huge in the process. But no. This is Roxxi being brought back like a week ago and being fired because TNA already has nothing to do with her, and will be remembered as TNA doing something incredibly awful to a very nice person.

The fact that Roxxi went out there and fought her heart out was a testament to how professional of a person she is, when she could have easily just said fuck you and not even come out for the match.

Goodbye Roxxi. You look really hot with hair and covered in blood.

Vice’s Type.
Madison Rayne Over Roxxi Following The Zack Attack.

Segment 6 – Jesse (Girlfriend Of A.C. Slater) Neal vs. (O’) Brother (Can Your Spare A Donut?) Ray.

Cewsh: In less depressing news, here we have a Brother Ray singles match. Yes that IS less depressing news in these circumstances, and not only by default. This is part of a fairly compelling storyline.

The gist of the feud here is the resentful teacher who is upset at his student’s success. With Jesse Neal’s recent success as a member of Ink Inc. with Shannon Moore, Brother Ray has pretty much been fuming, since his student is getting more title shots than he is these days. Add to that the fact that Jesse told Brother Ray that he’d “take care of” the Band for him, and you have a big angry Italian who wants to teach his student some respect. Neal, for his part, just wants to be respected as a man who has achieved things on his own, and it all comes to a head here at Slammiversary.

As both men come to the ring, it is immediately evident that something is different. Brother Ray is very humble and apologetic, and while Jesse just wants to get to fighting, Ray takes the time to formally apologize to him as D’Von and Shannon come down to the ring to keep the peace. When everything appears to be in order again,

“Yay! I Haz Friends!”

D’Von and Shannon go to leave. Which, of course, prompts Brother Ray to jump Jesse from behind and spend 15 minutes beating him so bad that it must be illegal in all the states that begin with A. He pounds on Jesse over and over and over and over, and when Jesse starts to fight back, Brother Ray just starts open hand slapping him all over his body, raising welts and sympathetic groans from the crowd.

“I Can Haz Friends Back Now Plz?”

But then, when all seems lost for the plucky young rookie, a hero emerges from the crowd. A legend with the power to inspire the underdog within us all. Like a specter from the past, out from the crowd comes Tommy Fucking Dreamer.

First Person To Shop A Cheeseburger Into His Mouth Gets A Prize.

Brother Ray seems completely shaken to see his old friend from ECW in attendance, and it shifts his attention away from his young apprentice for just a second. One second too long. SPEAR. One…Two…Three. Upset city baby. The Neal Train rolls on.

As a match unto itself, this is just one big fucking beatdown with a hot finish. However, for the second month in a row, TNA turns a beatdown into a match and does a great job of presenting it, and getting a huge amount of sympathy for the face and hatred for the heel. Coming out of this, everyone looks great, and Neal especially looks like a star the Impact Zone is really starting to get behind. I’m interested as to where Team 3D goes from here after all of the infighting over Jesse Neal here, and the Tommy Dreamer thing makes me terrified that they’re going to launch a hugely ill conceived ECW angle, but I’m excited to see what happens next, that’s for sure.

75 out of 100.

Vice: Bubba is so good on the mic. The dude is great and knows how to work the crowd so well. Whoever didn’t see Bubba “swerving” us and beating the shit out of Neal has clearly never watched wrestling before. That said, this was almost hard to watch. Bubba just goes nuts and absolutely murders Neal. Everyone remembers Bob Holly abusing rookies and how much of a “legend” he became for it. Well, compared to Bubba, Holly’s beatdowns look about as vicious as this:

Seriously, a lot of stories/feuds build to matches about respect, and then they are just, well, normal matches. This felt real to an extent. Like, I don’t know how the normal casual fan would take this, but I’ve heard a bajillion stories about trainers beating the shit out of their students, and I’ve seen a ton of it. This looked like an actual pissed off Bubba with a real student who did something stupid. So while I don’t want to see this type of beating all the time, it’s pretty goddamn amazing when it happens. Gotta hand it to Jesse Neal for taking such a beating and doing it so well.

And towards the end of this match, we are treated to a huge surprise. And boy do I mean huge. It’s none other than..

TOMMY DREAMER

Huge.

Though actually, there was some weird anomaly here. See, the file that Cewsh and I are working with was encoded fairly poorly. As a video editor, I want to slap this guy for the shitty job he did. Basically it looks like a 4:3 picture stretched to 16:9, and because of the ridiculous horizontal stretching, everyone looks quite fat. Kendrick looks like Matt Hardy, Bubba looks like an actual whale, and so imagine what Tommy Dreamer looks like

Wait A Second…

…he looks like he’s in the absolute best shape he’s ever been in. So now I’m really curious to see what he looks like when the aspect ratio isn’t butchered. Because really, he looked fantastic, even stretched out. I’m curious to see where this goes, even if Dreamer isn’t an acquisition along the lines of a Hogan or an Anderson. Also gotta give props to Bubba for selling Dreamer showing up so well. Very intriguing how it played out.

Jesse Neal Over Brother Ray Following The Spear.

Segment 7 – So Apparently Hernandez Is Back.

Cewsh: Hernandez is backstage with Christy Hemme and he’s mad at Matt Mor…

No, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. LOOK AT HIM.

While Hernandez was gone for surgery, he apparently became possessed by the One fucking Ring from Lord of the Rings. I guess he’s fighting Matt Morgan because that’s the closest thing to an Ent that he could find (lol!), and he seems super mean and dickish now, so maybe the One Ring TOOK HIM OVER dude.

Will Matt Morgan be able to chuck him into a volcano before it’s too late? Find out…well now actually.

Segment 8 – Matt (Multiple) Morgan vs. (One) Hernandez (To Rule Them All).

Cewsh: Short Answer: No.

Long answer: So if you recall from several months ago, Matt Morgan and Hernandez had teamed up to win the tag team championships. Morgan was a good guy then, but as the weeks wore on he started display more and more selfish behavior, until he finally snapped and destroyed Hernandez, putting him out for several months until Hernie’s big return last week on Impact.

Now the story here is mostly that Hernandez wants a piece of Morgan, but it’s also the fact that Morgan is such an awesome heel right now that it’s completely ridiculous. His mannerisms are perfect, his manipulation of the crowd is awesome, and his heel work in the ring both uses his size well AND makes him a chickenshit. He brought a goddamn doctor’s note to the ring to get out of having to wrestle. He’s the best of every conceivable world. If I were WWE right now, I would be kicking my own ass for having had this guy and given him a goddamn stuttering gimmick instead of actually developing him into the dynamic and full of potential star he is today. Bad call, Vinny. Bad call.

Anyway, this match isn’t much of a match, because it’s really just Hernandez chasing Morgan around, and Morgan not wanting to be caught. Morgan continually grabs the ropes and escapes to the outside, which flusters Hernandez so much that he picks the referee up and literally one armed tosses him all the way across the ring.

Wheeeee!

This, as you might imagine, is frowned upon, and he loses via DQ. Which doesn’t exactly seem to bother him much. He keeps chasing Morgan, and places his head against the steel post, preparing the splatter his head open, but before he can do it, Morgan pulls the ref in the way, and he eats it for a second time, and this time he is OUT. Morgan takes the opportunity to take off to the back, and Hernie sets off in hot pursuit, leaving the ref to consider a career in accounting.

Like I said, this wasn’t much of a match, but what was here wasn’t awful. It wasn’t anything special either though, and with the brilliance of the show to this point, this has to be considered a bit of a downer.

65 out of 100.

Vice: I’m not sure if there was an actual match located somewhere in this long segment, but Matt Morgan tried getting out of this match with a fucking doctor’s note. That’s really all that matters here.

Yeah, a doctor’s note.

A doctor’s note.

Matt Morgan Over Hernandez Following Hernandez Shot Putting The Ref.
Segment 9 – Hulk Hogan Plans A Sting Operation.

Cewsh: Hulk Hogan is backstage with the ubiquitous Christy Hemme, and he is very, very upset with Sting. He goes on and on about how there are unspoken rules in wrestling that you JUST DON’T CROSS BROTHER, and apparently Sting has broken all of them by hurting Jeff Jarrett. This being the same Jeff Jarrett who plastered Hulk Hogan in the face with a chair during a press conference in Japan when they didn’t even work for the same company, so I guess Hulk is just a really forgiving guy to everyone who didn’t beat him at Starrcade 97.

Anyway, he leaves heavy undertones afoot to the idea that he may lace up the boots to wrestle Sting sometime soon (Bound For Glory), and I’m sure we all eagerly anticipate that match. Really. Very exciting.

What sarcasm?

Segment 10 – Monster’s Ball Match – Desm(VP)ond Wolfe vs. Abyss (As Usual).

Cewsh: Pfffffffft.

No more of these, please. No more Abyssamania, no more Desmond Wolfe as a psychotic woman abuser, no more Monster’s Ball matches, no more plastic masquerading as glass, no more mindless hardcore matches that can’t be differentiated from one another except for who it happens to be in the ring with Abyss, and no more Abyss period.

This was garbage. Simple as. And even Desmond trying to bring an artsiness to the carnage didn’t make it any better. It just made it more offensive that he is stuck doing this.

47 out of 100.

Vice: I had no idea that this was going to be a Monster’s Ball match. The worst part is that I was completely unphased by it all. Like, I just don’t give a shit about these two right now. Which is sad, because I love Wolfe. And speaking of him, he actually added some attire due to this gimmick. He wore a little jacket thing, and ended up looking like a white MVP. With a collar. Because he’s classy.

I hope this nonsense is over, because I’m just not enjoying this stuff.

However.. and this is a big however..

This is a five star match for me, because these two introduced the greatest weapon I have ever seen in the history of professional wrestling. I’ve seen pretty much everything I can imagine, whether it be amazing, awful or just downright horrific (I’m looking at you, Mr. Weedwacker). This took it all to a new level. A teddy bear wrapped in barbed wire came in to play. A TEDDY BEAR WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE.

Jesus it was magnificent. Almost as magnificent as Chelsea’s face. When did she become so attractive?

Abyss Over Desmond Wolfe Following The Black Hole Slam.
Segment 11 – Jay (Just Jay) Lethal vs. AJ (Ace Jerk) Styles.

Cewsh: Stay with me here, because this may seem a little confusing.

Ric Flair has recently founded a group (NOT the Four Horsemen. Like for serious. Seriously.), comprised of AJ Styles, Beer Money and Desmond Wolfe. They recently added Kazarian to their ranks, which has created a great deal of tension between the old favorite of Flair’s (Styles) and the new toy to play with (Kazarian). Aside from that tiff, though. they’ve been wrecking havoc for a good long while now on all of the top faces in TNA, but they’ve only really had a good deal of trouble with one person. One man has mocked Flair, pinned Styles, stymied Beer Money, and avoided being harmed by this entire supergroup.

That man is Jay Lethal. Not Black Machismo. Just Jay Lethal.

If you have a confused look on your face at the moment you aren’t alone. A guy who was a comedy act and jobber a few months ago is now being presented to us as a serious and legitimate threat to the top stars in TNA. And while I adored his comedic skits, allow me to present a few examples of times when this exact thing didn’t work out.

Yep, That Didn’t End Well.
This Is Still A Problem To This Day.
I Think You Get The Idea.

However, despite all of this, Lethal is a capable guy in the ring, and Styles is Styles so this had some potential to start with, but it very quickly showed it’s true colors and was not what you might call fabulously entertaining. They try their best to create an epic feel by drawing out holds and interactions, to the point where it almost got weird until I realized that they were waiting for the crowd to heat up for Lethal. They never did. So what resulted was a 15 minute match designed to be some kind of epic main event contest that the fans completely sat on their hands for. You know how a hot crowd can make a decent match seem extraordinary? Well a bad one can apparently make a decent match seem like an accounting seminar. The only thing that makes it tolerable is the inevitability of Styles beating Lethal and moving on to legitimate competition.

Then, naturally, Lethal beats Styles. Amazing.

The correlation between Lethal and Young is strong here. They want me to take a former comedy character seriously, and all they’re succeeding at is shoving him down my throat so hard he could smell last night’s burritos. So the Flair/Lethal feud will continue, and will likely culminate in an awful, awful, awful match between them, and a ho hum one between Styles and Kazarian. Bust out the kazoos boys, it’s going to be a party!

67 out of 100.

Vice: This match didn’t do a heck of a lot for me. Last month, AJ had that ROH-esque “epic” main event match against RVD and it was more of a miss than a hit. This month, AJ wrestled Jay Lethal in another ROH-esque match. Not the epic main event style, but the “hey we have two capable wrestlers so let’s give them 17 minutes for no real reason” typical midcard match. This would have been a much better match if it was a fast and furious 9-12 minute match, but it simply had too much time and the crowd, and the crowd was not into it like they needed to be. Cewsh mentioned it to me while we were chatting, say that this match was wrestled in a way that required Lethal to have the crowd being 110% rabid for him, and if they were, I think this match could have been much better. But the crowd was fairly quiet for the most part, with them not wanting to cheer heel AJ, and Lethal just not being over enough to have the heat he needed to make this match work.

It wasn’t a bad match, because it was actually wrestled quite well and both men put a lot into it, but it just felt so lifeless because the crowd wasn’t doing what they needed to do. It’s like if the story of a match was all about the heel getting his comeuppance for his awful sins against humanity, and the crowd rallying for him while the face gets booed. Kinda like a John Cena match now that I think about it. It doesn’t work. SCREW YOU, IMPACT ZONE.

“Hey, Somebody Peed On The Stage Over Here!”

If everything didn’t feel so flat, and if the finish wasn’t so awkward and lifeless, this could be a fun little match to look back on. But the way things played out, it just reminded me of why I stopped watching ROH. On paper, Lethal gets put over huge. In reality, not as much as he should have.

I really hope AJ turns face again. I’d much rather him be a boring personality that puts on incredible matches night in and night out than what we currently have.

Jay Lethal Over AJ Styles Following A Bridging Pin.

Segment 12 – BOO!
GAH!

Cewsh: Don’t scare me like that!

Segment 13 – Beer Money (N/A) Inc. vs. Jeff (Gullible) Hardy and Ken (Asshole) Anderson.

Vice: I’m reaaaaaally curious what is going on with Mr. Anderson here, because this whole face mumbo jumbo has to be a ruse.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but I really don’t see how people think of Jeff Hardy as a bundle of charisma. And the fact that he’s called the CHARISMATIC Enigma is a giant misnomer.

Shown: Enigmatic Charisma.

I’d say he has about as much charisma as Shelton Benjamin. And what exactly is enigmatic about him? Why he’s so fucked in the head? Because that’s an easy answer: drugs. Why does he make horrible music, paint crappy pictures and build extremely weird “sculptures”? Drugs. Why is he a danger to himself and others around him? Drugs. Why is he an idiot? Drugs.

The Humdrum Junkie is far more accurate.

If he proves one thing in this match, it’s that he’s a great tag team wrestler. Some may see that as a fantastic compliment, but keep in mind that Billy Gunn was, throughout his career, a great tag team wrestler. He also had more charisma and a better look. Just sayin’.

So this match features Beer Money Inc., comprised of Robert Roode. Roode was the best of Team Canada, one of TNA’s best tag teams and featured Eric Young in a much better role. This team also features James Storm, the best of America’s Most Wanted, which was also one of TNA’s best tag teams. Therefore, two amazingly fundamentally sound tag wrestlers, going up against a great tag wrestler in Hardy and Mr. Anderson, who has not really been a prominent tag wrestler. But that just means that he’s the X factor here and in really good company.

The result is.. you guessed it.. a really damn good tag team match. See, this is why I like TNA tag teams, because their guys actually, you know, do stuff together. As a team. In WWE, you have an actual tag team that is meant to be a tag team, and they don’t really have much chemistry with one another. It’s basically just four guys tagging each other in and is just a really broken up, crappy match. Then you have teams consisting of two random guys and, of course, they are basically just two random guys tagging each other in and out. Anderson and Hardy are more or less thrown together, and they worked together extremely well. They did moves together, they knew how to work a match together, and went on to put on a great match with Beer Money.

A lot of people hate tag team wrestling, but I’d say a lot of that is because most of the time it’s just shit and not done right. Yeah, I generally prefer singles matches, but when a tag match really comes together, they’re so much fucking fun. They’re exciting, there’s a whole lot of emotion and story they can build, and it’s just a treat to watch. This isn’t a match of the year candidate or anything, but it was tag wrestling done as it should be done. And towards the end, holy crap did it heat up. The crowd was on fire, all the participants were on fire, and it was just magical. The ending was great, too.

Kudos to everyone involved, and now I’m REALLY intrigued to see how long this Enigmatic Assholes pairing lasts. They should start planting some really subtle seeds over the next couple weeks, and then in a month or two go crazy with Anderson. He’s something special right now and TNA is notorious for dropping the ball when someone is crazy hot. That’s not to say that they end up ruining the person, but when the fire is hot, they wait until it burns out until they throw the gasoline on it and then end up scratching their heads when an epic bonfire doesn’t break out. They need to play this very carefully, because yeah, I’d say that Anderson does have potential to help TNA out, and they cannot screw this up.

Unless Somebody In Pink Steals The Opportunity From Him.

happy anniversary slammiversy tna is great k thx bai

Cewsh: Here’s what you need to know about this match. Jeff Hardy is still one of the best tag team wrestlers in the world, and is probably better at being the face in peril than anyone in America right now. Ken Anderson is hugely over and is still riding an unstoppable wave of momentum. Beer Money are the best tag team in North America.

This match is a little slow at points, and it suffers from “Beer Money have a random tag match every month and they all start to look the same” Disease, but Hardy’s fantastic selling keep things going until the tag in to Anderson which sets things on a course for a mega hot finale that made everyone look amazing.

This wasn’t groundbreaking in any way, and it wasn’t anybody’s best match by far, but it was a fundamental and well executed tag match between two over teams that wasn’t tainted by any shenanigans or nonsense.

In other words, it is totally out of place in this company, but very welcome.

77 out of 100.

Anderson and Hardy Over Beer Money Inc. Following The Mic Check.
 
Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Rob (Bob) Van (Man) Dam (Jam) © vs. Sting (Is Old).

Vice: My favorite part of this match was not actually the match. It was during RVD’s backstage pre-entrance. For those that don’t know, for the main event matches, they show the guys walking through the backstage area before getting their actual entrance. It makes the matches feel bigger and I really like it. Well, last month, RVD was walking in the back and rotating his arms around as a bit of a stretching/warm-up routine and accidentally hit one of the overhead dangling lights. It started swaying around and RVD completely broke character and giggled at what just happened, then got serious again (by RVD standards anyway) right before his actual entrance started. This month he was doing the same exact routine, but managed to not hit the light. So after he clears all the lights, he turns around, jumps up and gives it a little tapping punch as a nod to what happened last time. It was small thing that I’m sure most people wouldn’t have noticed, but it got a good laugh out of me.

RVD’s theme, by musical standards, is quite possible the worst, lowest quality theme ever. But seriously, the fans make it the best theme in wrestling right now. Sure TNA’s crowds are small, but when you have the entire goddamn arena spring to their feet, screaming along with the lyrics, all doing the trademark thumb point in unison, and fucking hell, it may as well be God himself coming to the ring. No no, not Shark Boy. That guy that doesn’t ex–

Ahem.

RVD is rocking an Iron Man singlet. It actually looks really damn slick since it’s still his usual singlet and not a full body costume ala Rey Mysterio.

Iron Man, Iron Man. Does Whatever An Iron Can.

And Sting continues to wrestle in his shirt, probably because he has saggy man boobs and doesn’t want to work to stay in any sort of visually appealing shape.

The match is nothing great, but it’s not bad. The highlight was Cewsh and I’s conversation during it. The ref gets knocked down, Sting starts beating RVD up with the bat as Cewsh is like “yeeep, saw this coming”, which prompted me to say “I’m just waiting for Jarrett and Hogan to come down”. Not more than 2 seconds after sending that IM, Jarrett comes out. It was one of those beautiful, perfect “called it!” moments.

“I’m Surprising! SURPRISE, BITCH.”

So with this I gather that Jarrett and Sting are going to go back to feuding, because RVD and Sting never really had any beef with each other. So I’m not sure why they’re even having a match. So why should I care about this?

Sting is much better when he is just savagely taking faces. He should not actually wrestle.

Kind of a poor way to end a show, all things considered, but it could have been a lot worse. I mean, Sting could have won, which would have been pretty damn awful.

Cewsh: What the fuck is going on with Rob Van Dam?

I’ve been a fan of his since I first saw him when he joined WWE during the Invasion angle, and all through the various ups and downs of the man’s career I’ve stuck with him and open enjoyed the vast majority of his matches. I was even a fan of his run as WWE World Champion, despite my belief that he wasn’t really World Champion material. So when he won the TNA title off of AJ Styles, I expected some good things. He seemed to be in as good shape as ever, and had some wonderful matches on the night he won the title with both Styles and Hardy. Yet here we are, two months later, and something is seriously wrong.

Maybe it’s the pressure of being champion, or maybe it’s just his natural inconsistency, but he has now had two of the biggest dud main events in recent TNA memory in the past two months, and both have been dream matches that fans have anticipated for years. Generally speaking, having shitty matches in dream match scenarios is pretty awful business, and it’s so goddamn deflating. Sting came into this match with a full head of steam, having fucked with everyone of any note all month, and after his totally awesome beatdown of Jarrett last month. But on the Impact just before the PPV, he actually beat the shit out of RVD, stole his title, taunted him with it, and GAVE IT BACK. Meaning that we basically already saw this match and Sting won. So yay, exciting.

The match is the very definition of underwhelming. They do some slow paced brawling, and Sting spends a lot of time selling for Van Dam, but it doesn’t go anywhere for a good long time, and then Jeff Jarrett comes out. You may recall Jeff having had his shoulder wrenched out of the socket last month, but that is hardly in evidence as he grabs Sting’s bat and whales on him with it, before leaving. Then, after this climactic interference, the match CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 5 MINUTES. So Jarrett’s help was basically 100% worthless. But that’s okay, because Van Dam just pins Sting clean with the Five Star Frog Splash anyway, eliminating the need for any help or interest.

I can’t express enough how much a bad main event puts a huge damper on a show. It’s like a lead weight that drags everything else around it down into a pit of meh. And so far, Rob Van Dam is proving to be the King of the Pit.



62 out of 100.

RVD Over Sting Following The Five Star Frog Splash.

 

—————————–

General Cewshter’s Conquest:

Cewsh: This show was the best example of a slippery slope I’ve seen in a good long while. The show started out fantastic and then just slowly started slipping and slipping and slipping until the main event finished the night with a resounding thump. But ultimately the first half of the show was so good, and so much of the heel work here was so brilliant, that I’m coming away from this show feeling positive about the night. Or at least I would, if not for the Roxxi situation, which is inexcusable beyond belief, and stupid to new levels of incandescence.

You gave us a decent show TNA. But all the same, on the eighth anniversary of your existence I have one simple thing to say to you. Fuck you. Fuck you very, very much.


Cewsh’s Final Score: 70.67 out of 100.

The Viceroy’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, well..

Doctor’s notes, barbed wire teddy bears and Iron Man OH MY!

Vice’s Final Score: 72 out of 100.

The Viceroy’s Medallions:

Alright, that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our celebration (condemnation, same difference) of the eighth anniversary of Total Nonstop Action. It also marked the 8th year in a row that i’ll be embarrassed to have to type that name in a serious manner. Next week we’re skipping over to WWE for their Fatal Fourway PPV, a show that has been cursed by injuries, and has the looming specter of the very interesting NXT Invasion angle surrounding it. We’ll see how that goes, and some time in the intravening space, we WILL reveal the drawings for the dream show which is officially on the docket for two weeks from now. So until then, keep reading, and as always, be good to one another.