Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the live event attendingest (according to me) review blog in the galaxy, Cewsh Reviews! We’ve got a special treat for you tonight as we rev our engines, throw the gear into drive, and try not to stall out because we never learned how to drive stick and get off on our way to WWE’s Over The Limit 2010! Now I know there’s some controversy because the name of this PPV is very close to the one Owen Hart died at approximately 10 years ago, but we’re going to try not to dwell on that, and if anything, enjoy the show in his honor. And hell, if the show is terrible, we can call it one final practical joke by the King of Ribbers (not rubbers).
But all of the unpleasantness aside, tonight we’re going to see the end of some feuds (Punk/Mysterio, Cena/Batista) and the flowering of some new ones (Edge/Orton, Dibiase/Truth). And along the way, we might even cement some new stars at the top of the food chain (Swagger, Hart Dynasty). So come along with us on the ride, and don’t forget to buckle up. When Vince McMahon is behind the wheel, god knows what is in store.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: Hey. Tonight WWE is going Over The Limit. And by that they mean speed limit. Like a car, right? And they just so happen to be in Detroit, which is like totally where cars come from and all! So it could mean that the wrestlers will push their limits, OR that they’ll drive fast. Like one of those double entendredandres.
Cewsh: Man, where the hell did this match go?
I settled in to watch a fast paced opening match between two bright up and coming Smackdown midcarders, turned away for a moment, and this thing was already over, and Kofi was the new champion. Granted that may be a tad bit of an exaggeration, but this match ended so quickly and abruptly, that it never really gained any momentum, and that hurt this match for me more than most anything could have.
I like these two (even if Kofi is as stale as week old bread), and I want to see them wrestle. But for their first match to end as quick as it did with the good buy so definitively beating the bad guy and getting resolution without even needing the use of his finishing move is beyond wild to me. I hope they’re done from here on, and with Matt Hardy coming out afterwards to give Drew the Twist of Fate, I suppose that they’re moving both guys on to other things.
That’s fine. But this felt way, way more like a segment on Smackdown than a pay per view match meant to set the tone for the rest of the show.
I get superstitious when the opening match is bad. Makes me think that bad things are coming…
67 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Why is the arena so smoky? They’re in Detroit, yeah? I know we don’t allow smoking indoors up here.
I would rather anything than to have to review another Kofi match, even one as short and inoffensive as this.
About the end? I only have one thing to say.
His trunks are hideous.
Cewsh: Backstage, CM Punk twirls his hair in the mirror, and delivers an intense promo about how tonight Rey Mysterio will be forced to join the Straight Edge Society against his will, and how once he does all of his fans will fall in line with him. All the while Luke and Serena stare lovingly at him and quietly repeat his words.
I don’t really blame them. If I knew the scenery was going to be that good, I’d probably join up too. Though I’d have to keep my hair. How else am I supposed to sneak booze into movie theaters? Sheesh.
Cewsh: So this match came about as a result of Dibiase’s ongoing attempt to become his father. He carries around the Million Dollar Championship, he uses his vast funds to buy people, and so, naturally, he wanted a Virgil just like his father used to have. Uuuuunfortunately, the person that he asked to BE his new Virgil was the very first black man he could find, R-Truth. This is kind of troubling, Dibiase looking at black men as servants and all, but aside from that R-Truth has been making a good accounting of himself, refusing Dibiase’s offer, and generally slapping him all around the ring like a naughty pet every time they’ve come face to face.
So it should come as no surprise to you that 3 seconds into this match, R-Truth rears back and plants a vicious slap directly on Dibiase’s face. What might surprise you is that the slap is so badass that it gives Dibiase a goddamn concussion and leaves him woozy and out of focus for the rest of the entire match. Uh oh.
From there this match becomes the R-Truth show, as Truth hits Dibiase with every move he can think of, and tries to make it look like Dibiase is giving him some kind of challenge so that this match doesn’t instantly go down the tubes. That’s a testament to both Truth, who kept his cool and led the match ahead under bad circumstances, and Dibiase, who was able to be part of a good match when his head was on Neptune. Truth scoops up the victory with the Lie Detector, and Virgil all but carries Dibiase back to the locker room to get taken care of. Which is why it’s good to have friends, folks. Always there to lend a shoulder when you get knocked the fuck out.
Obviously, this couldn’t have been a classic match. One of the guys was in Candyland the whole time, and Truth isn’t some kind of wrestling god to coax something from nothing. But what it was, was pretty good actually, and it would have been even better if Dibiase hadn’t been out of his feet. I don’t like the racial aspect of this whole thing (our culture was a lot different in 1988 than it is in 2010), but as far as the wrestling goes, I have no issue watching these two wrestle more in the future.
73 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: The racial implications of this feud really squick me, like any black slave will do for Dibiase. Really unpleasant.
R-Truth carries the match, probably because Ted’s knocked loopy five second in, and he does a good enough job. Again, it’s inoffensive but boring.
Cewsh: We go backstage to find a PISSED OFF Drew McIntyre complaining to Teddy Long about the match and demanding that he overturn the decision and give him the Intercontinental Championship back. Teddy sticks to his guns for once, and Drew threatens to destroy his office over it. He rages around until he gets to a framed picture of Martin Luther King, at which point he talks about how they are both revolutionaries, unlike Teddy, before stomping off in a huff.
I don’t know what is more surprising honestly. That Teddy Long got one over on somebody for once, or that Martin Luther King was just involved in a wrestling angle. I’d say he’d be rolling over in his grave, but who knows? He may have enjoyed it in his day. Even a pacifist might jump the guardrail to get a shot at Gorgeous George after all.
Expect Vince McMahon vs. God vs. Martin Luther King at our next PPV, WWE Blasphemy 2010!
Cewsh: So here we are at the end of the epic feud between Rey Mysterio and CM Punk. Two months ago, they competed to see whether or not Rey would have to join the SES. Rey won. Last month they competed to see if CM Punk’s head would get shaved. Punk won. Now they come together again with both gimmicks on the line, so that one way or another something will actually happen at the conclusion of this match.
Now the important thing for me to tell you, right off the top, is that this is a pretty match to watch. Much like their previous encounters, this match is filled with fun moves, and dazzlingly smooth chemistry, and is just overall a pleasant thing to find yourself observing. Punk, especially, is brilliant, as he really seems to pick his pace up to match Mysterio when they fight, and it shows off a side of him that you rarely get to see. The bully. Since I can’t get enough of bad guy Punk, suffice to say, that Bully Punk tickles me pink. Mysterio also contributes, though it’s exactly the same contribution he gives every single match he’s a part of. Mysterio is not who you go to for a match with much thought to it. He’s good for matches that are pretty and shallow, and he’s got it down to a science.
But, naturally, there’s a downside to this match too, and it’s mostly that it all feels so damn familiar. If you put this match on last month, or the month before, it wouldn’t have felt out of place, because nothing is really any different between the matches. They do their pretty stuff, and then the match ends, and if they hadn’t gone through with the stipulation this time, it would have felt exactly the same as everything the two have done for months now. That, plus a feud being ended with a roll up, a personal pet peeve, really lessened what might have otherwise been show saving performances from both men. Shame.
After Punk loses, Gallows, Serena and the mystery man from last month (still under a hood) come to the ring with handcuffs to rescue Mr. Punk, but they get rebuffed severely by Kane of all people and get run to the back. It wasn’t so long ago that Kane actually kidnapped Rey Mysterio and tried to murder him for wearing a mask, but hey, I guess they’ve gotten past that. Kane runs off Punk’s cronies, and Mysterio manages to handcuff Punk to the ropes, and proceeds to shave him baldish.
Despite the fact that it took Mysterio 8 hours to successfully shave the man, this all went off pretty great, with Punk crying and begging and flailing around while Mysterio turned him from a messiah to a homeless man who lives under the bridge and drinks his own urine.
His quarry settled, Mysterio heads to the back, and we can call this feud complete.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: This match is such a cop-out. Let’s take the stip from the last two shows, mash them together, and sell it AGAIN! Fuck you WWE, this is boring.
The match was…fine. Whatever. It was fine two months ago. It was fine last month. The end was expected. Let’s move on.
The announcing has reached a new low. “I GUESS REY DIDN’T HAVE HIS PAPERS ON HIM; LOCK HIM UP.” I have never been so offended watching wrestling. I can’t even rant about it. It’s just miserable and someone should be fired.
Ms.Cewsh: Everyone gets one.
Cewsh: How did this many talented people put on such a boring match? It boggles the mind.
I don’t even have anything to say about it. The crowd didn’t care, the announcers didn’t care, and I don’t even think the wrestlers cared about being there.
What a waste.
66 out of 100.
Cewsh: Edge and Randy Orton have been having one of the more interesting feuds in the WWE recently. When Edge got drafted over to Raw (along with everyone else of any importance) he was PISSED, because he had been right in line for a title shot at Jack Swagger on Smackdown. As a result he chose to spear Orton out of a title shot of his own to make a statement on his first night on Raw. Naturally this didn’t go over well with the Viper. But then things got more intense as Edge flipped out on Orton because he’s a huge dick and everyone cheers for him, while Edge did everything right and yet the fans never really got behind him. This set off a huge to do between the men, that leads to their first meeting in ages here, with pride on the line.
Unfortunately there is only one thing that anybody knows or will remember about this match. As Orton gets the advantage towards the end of the match and prepares for the RKO, he starts to do his thing where he punches the mat in anticipation. That is, until he pulls up short and looks very surprised and in pain, and as Edge goes to prep for the RKO, Orton just kicks him lamely out of the ring, since his RKOing arm is now limp at this side.
Some hasty reevaluating takes place, and Edge charges into the barricade as Orton dodges, leading to a double count out, and a very, very uncomfortable end to the match. The crowd goes silent, Orton gets livid, and Edge looks goddamn well frustrated himself.
Allegedly, Orton had been nursing a shoulder injury before the match, and when he punched the mat it just popped it right out of the socket. This was a hugely tough break for him seeing as he had all the momentum in the world, without a doubt. It was also a terrible break for the show, which really needed this match to satisfy since nothing else really was. The match they had really wasn’t bad at all before the accident, and they were set to do good things here, but at the end of the day, this match absolutely fell apart after Orton’s injury, and for the most part the show did as well.
75 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Oh thank God. I love both of these men and they’re so entertaining. Plus, this feud’s like porn to me.
Oh wait, no. The match starts off pretty good, but then Randy has to go and rip out his shoulder doing the “RKO Dance”. I know they had to end the match as quickly as possible without Randy taking anymore bumps, but a double count out after the weakest looking Spear in history? No. Killed the crowd.
Cewsh: This match never had a chance.
Despite the fact that the build up to this match has actually interested me quite a bit, with Show being his usual funny self as a good guy, and Swagger showing a ton of personality and poise in the top spot, this match was never going to get a huge reaction out of the crowd. Show has never really been a main event face very well, and Swagger is still trying to find his legs in the spot he’s in. But to combine that with the way the last match just ended and the fact that the crowd is now thoroughly and completely dead?
Yep, just as I thought. Crickets.
To the sound of everyone sitting on their hands, Show and Swagger have a pretty entertaining match here. They spend most of it showing off Swagger’s incredible power and athleticism, which you’d ever expect to look at him, and getting across that he needs every scrap of it to compete with Show. Swagger attacks the legs with a vengeance, including one semi truck-like shoulder block that looked absolutely fantastic, and like Swagger had killed the man. It was a fun little back and forth match…until the finish.
For some reason I’ll never understand, Jack Swagger abruptly, with no sign of being in serious trouble, wanders outside the ring, grabs the title belt and waffles Show with it. Getting him disqualified. Then he does it again. Show keeps getting back up, so Swagger grabs a chair and hits Show with it 30 or so times. Show even gets up from this, manages to wrest the chair away from Swagger, and chokeslams his ass right on top of it. Now I have to imagine that this was done to pop the crowd and show that Show is still a badass, while Swagger is a chickenshit. But it happened so abruptly, and for so little reason that it just left me annoyed and confused. The idea was right, but the execution just came off all wrong.
The match, sabotaged though it was, was a fun enough romp, and aside from the ending, there isn’t much here to bang on. Swagger’s growth has me excited to see where his title reign goes from here, and that’s what I’m choosing to take from this. This match on its own? I’ll leave it.
71 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I love face Show. He’s so sweet and funny. I want to be his best friend.
Swagger’s still not my favorite in ring, but I really liked his trophy segment and he’s been showing a lot more personality.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? A COUNT OUT AND NOW A DQ? I PAID FOR THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.
Cewsh: Batista…yadda yadda….hates Cena…yadda yadda…get revenge…etc…etc.
Is the show over yet?
Cewsh: At this point in my life, I’m a bigger fan of women’s wrestling than I have ever been before. Between Shimmer, and ladies from Japan bringing it in a major way, I have cast aside my attitude of condescension and dismissal and replaced it with a more enlightened frame of mind. One where I can watch a match without two Divas, like this one, and see the good and potential in it, instead of simply tearing it down for all the things that are wrong.
That’s what I have to assume the explanation for my feelings here is, because this was one of my favorite matches of the whole show. Objectively it wasn’t the BEST match, not by a long shot, but it was so much more simple and fundamental than almost all the others. This was simply a mid length match between a clear cut heel and face, that had a clean finish. That’s all there is to it. And while sometimes oversimplifying things can rob them of their value, here it is simply a welcome breath of fresh air after the bummer of the rest of this show so far.
These two are the only two I have really felt were willing or able to give 110% so far tonight. It shows.
74 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: It’s sad that this might be the best match of the show, purely by default. Eve looks good doing athletic moves and flips, although she can’t do a damn punch, and Maryse works well. It’s short and Eve’s finish looked strange, but I’m crying tears of joy that there was a clean finish.
Pro: Hugely popular with live crowds.
Con: Divides the audience.
Pro: Wrestles main event gimmick matches as well as anyone in recent memory.
Con: Never sells anything. EVER.
Pro: Is a handsome dude.
Con: Is constantly wearing neon orange and jorts. (Note: This is a huge con.)
Pro: Has good chemistry with nearly all of the main eventers in the WWE.
Con: Batista is not one of them.
Going into this match I was pretty sick to death of Cena/Batista. Most of the feuds that lead into Wrestlemania get a little overexposed by SO MUCH coverage and hype in an attempt to sell that show. So by the time we get here, two months later, this feud already feels like old news. The announcers and the videos, and the guys themselves do a good job of selling this, but it’s not exactly something I can be excited about readily.
As they get into the match, my spirits rise quite a bit, because what I generally forget when I’m about to review a main event John Cena brawl, is that main event John Cena brawls are NEVER not good matches. If you try to do a straight match then it is almost always disappointing and fails as a main event, but the man knows his gimmick matches, and that applies here too. They take out their aggression on one another is various fun ways, including a nod to the Last man Standing match where Cena AAed Batista through the announce table where Cena goes to do it again, and Bats powerslams his ass through the other table instead. Very cool little bit of continuity there.
Eventually they brawl their way over to the cars that are randomly parked on stage (they’re in Detroit, and it’s only polite to steal a car while you’re there to respect the local customs). Cena AAs Bats on the hood of a car, and the ref asks Bats if he wants to quit. Batista says “No” weakly, and Cena grabs the mic and says “I was hoping you would say that” like a badass and hoists Batista up on top of the car. Then he lifts him up for the AA and Batista promptly quits rather than be slammed the several feet to the stage below. The match ends, Cena wins, and he slams Bats onto the stage anyway, causing it to give way with a huge crash.
Then, as Cena celebrates and the show begins to go off the air, Sheamus comes out and boots him right in his fucking face. Which took me totally by surprise, and is just one more point in the “Love Sheamus” category. And those are beginning to add up.
Basically this match is what you expect it to be. It’s their Last Man Standing Match with a different ending, and you’d be wise to treat it as such. The ending was effective in both ending the feud and starting a new one (with Sheamus), so I give high marks for that, as everything car related was fantastic and fun to watch. For the rest? It’s good, and you know it’s good. But it isn’t great.
Watch it for yourself. But don’t strain yourself. This is neither man’s best match.
83 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: I enjoyed the last man standing match last month, so I’m hopeful here. I haven’t been subtle that my feeling about John Cena have changed in the last year or two, but the man can brawl like no one’s business.
The match is kind of devoid of memorable spots, until the men move into the crowd. Then, the attempted Batista Bomb/Cena throwing Bats over the rail is intense, giving us a good moment for highlight reels. The spot is hurt by all the security catching Bats, but only just.
Again, the spots kind of lack until it’s time to get on the stage. Batista tries to run Cena over with a car, marking the second time in less than twelve months his opponents have tried to MURDER John Cena. Of course, Cena is SuperCena and avoids it, causing Bats to crash the car into the wall. Poor car.
They do get their money’s worth out of the car, though, using it to set up the second big spot of the night. It’s curious, Batista will get thrown off a balcony, but not off the roof of a car? I’ll still take it. His going through the floor looks pretty hokey, but he sells the fall like death.
Where’s that picture of Cena being all, “Huh? Where’d Dave go? OH YAY, I WIN!”
Cewsh: I honestly can’t think of a show in recent memory that I enjoyed less than this one. From a match to match basis, it isn’t THAT bad, but as a whole, the show was paced terribly, all of the finishes seemingly were awful, and there were a ton of issues with injuries and the like that derailed both the crowd and my interest. If it weren’t for a main event that was at least predictably good, if a bit stale, then I would have been knawing my arm off to get through the boredom of finishing it at all.
I know that there are a million extenuating circumstances around why this show failed , and objectively I can understand that. But my job is to tell you whether or not this show was worth your time, and it isn’t. Go jogging, take up knitting, hell, go white water rafting. Just don’t spend three hours of your life watching this.
Ms. Cewsh: This show is abysmal. Just fucking garbage. The “I Quit” match is the only thing keeping me from committing unspeakable acts of murder against the entire creative staff of WWE. If you also paid for it, I’m sorry for us. If you didn’t, I’m envious. If you haven’t seen it, don’t.
Well that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you managed to stay awake as we slogged through an unpleasant evening of bitterness and regret (that we paid money to be subjected to, no less). We hope we can get things back on track with some much more exciting action next week, which will no doubt inspire us to new creative heights with its brilliance! Wait, what’s that. Oh. I’m being informed that we are actually reviewing WCW’s New Blood 2000 pay per view, the centerpiece of the Vince Russo administration. Oh, oh boy. I need to talk to my agent.
In any case, until then, keep reading and be good to one another!