Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Extremeist macaroni and cheese review on these fine internets, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as WWE takes their yearly trip down the highway of the extreme, and this year everyone is getting their gimmick match boots on to blow off feuds from Wrestlemania. In effect, this is Backlash, except more EXTREME, which I assume means that they drink more Mountain Dew and skateboard without the use of a helmet. Hardcore. Anyway, tonight is the night for some serious blow offs to the feuds that propelled Wrestlemania to such great heights. Cena and Batista are going to see who can be the slowest to stand up, Edge and Jericho are going to play inside of a very inefficient sandbox together, and CM Punk and Rey Mysterio are going to fight over Rey’s desire to be a beauty school dropout (beauty school dropouuuuut). All this and more as, for one night, World Wrestling Entertainment takes them both, because they’re hardcore.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: The opening video starts off with this wicked rad effect with a siren going off, and the screen flashing the word “Extreme” in black, white, and red. It’s a really cool effect that got me pumped…until the rest of the video proceeded to be completely normal fare that didn’t go with the theme or the graphic at all. It wasn’t bad or anything, it just didn’t live up to the hyperrad intro, and then before you know it, it’s over.
I usually judge these things based on how excited they make me to watch the show I’m about to watch, and for that, this didn’t do the best job. This would be a fine video for anyone else, but for the whiz kids in the WWE production crew, this is child’s play.
Cewsh: So this is an extension of these guys’ feud that led through Wrestlemania to here, which was touched off by Triple H pinning Sheamus in the Elimination Chamber match in February and pissing him right the heel off. Ever since Sheamus has been all up in Triple H’s business, attacking him during his goodbye to Shawn Michaels and just generally being a dickhead whenever the opportunity presents itself. Triple H, for his part, finally decided that that was enough of that, which has led us to tonight’s Street Fight.
…or it would, if Sheamus hadn’t jumped Triple H in the backstage area and then beaten him half to death with a steel pipe, leaving The Game down and out, and unable to compete.
Ms.Cewsh: What the heck is this doing so low on the card? Not that this ends up being a match, just a backstage beat down. It’s really only notable for the terrible camera shot at the start. I get that the camera guy is running, but it’s just too close to the terrible “through the eyes” cam.
This had no business being on PPV, and I don’t like being confused so early into a show. Not a good start.
Cewsh: So with Triple H and Sheamus no longer having a match, that leaves the door open for SHOWMIZ to show up and get themselves some attention. So they aunter to the ring, and the Miz brags about how they’re the best tag team of all time, and about how they can’t possibly be beaten. This brings out Teddy Long, who decides to book them in a match on the spot. Miz is unimpressed and continues taunting Teddy, so Teddy books him in two matches. Miz still won’t shut up, so Teddy books them in THREE matches, where the first team to beat SHOWMIZ will get a title shot on Raw tomorrow night. Miz tries to continue talking, but the Big Show puts his hand over his partner’s mouth to stop himself from having to wrestling the entire card on this show.
Teddy then sends the first team down, and it is none other than John Morrison and R-Truth, whom they faced at Wrestlemania!
The match gets started, and it’s very quickly just like their Wrestlemania match. Truth, Morrison and Miz bounce all over the ring in entertaining ways, and Show is the heavy that keeps the match going forward. These guys aren’t the greatest tag wrestlers of all time, but I can’t imagine really having any complaints with this bit, with all four doing what they do as well as ever. At least until the end, when Morrison gets Show trapped in the ropes in a triangle choke hold reminiscent of TAJIRI’s Tarantula. However, very much unlike TAJIRI, Morrison apparently never went to “You Have Until 5” school, and gets his team disqualified by refusing to break the hold.
Alright, so wait. This is Extreme Rules, where every match is an Extreme Rules match, by default. And the faces just got disqualified. And then no explanation is given for this, everybody just acts like this is a perfectly normal way for this match to end, and Morrison looks a little disappointed as he walks to the back. You should be disappointed, man! You just forgot how to count to 5! Even wrestling bloggers know how to do that (for example, I’m on my 5th bottle of Scotch). Sheesh.
Ms.Cewsh: They’re not even supposed to be on this show, so are they here for a match? Oh no, it’s a segment. On a PPV. Gdi, I hate this show and we’re only 5 minutes in. Shomiz promo about how they’re great and Bret’s going to have to say they’re the greatest, but wait! Teddy Long comes out and announces we ARE going to have a match! Did Trips get injured and that’s why this is obvious filler?
Do we even have enough tag teams for a gauntlet match?
MorTruth come down as the first team. Morrison’s great, as always, and he and Truth get some nice double team moves in. It’s not a terrible match, and longer than a team usually gets in a gauntlet setting, but the end makes no sense. Morrison gets DQ’d after refusing to break a Triangle Choke in 5. Um, he’s a face, yes? Trying to become number one contender? Yeah, that makes sense.
Cewsh: Next up on the conga line is the World’s Strongest Tag Team (also known as the Wolrd’s Most Directionless Midcarders) of MVP and Mark Henry. MVP charges in, beats up on Miz for awhile, before the Big Show knocks him out with a punch from the floor, allowing SHOWMIZ to sneak through round 2.
Ms. Cewsh: MarkVP run down while Show’s still dazed from the choke and MVP tries for a pin. It’s not successful. If the first match was pretty OK, this match is pretty fucking awful. Not only does Henry not feature, so what’s the point of a TAG gauntlet?, but Show manages to botch a punch so badly it really should be in highlight reels. Show’s “punch” puts MVP out and Miz gets the pin.
Cewsh: So now we’re down to the final team, and if that team can’t beat SHOWMIZ, then they don’t have to defend their titles on Raw. So who could it…THE HART DYNASTY. Oh snippy snippy snap.
Kidd and Smith waste zero time, as Smith hoists the Miz up into position, and Kidd springboards off of the top to deliver a devastating Hart Attack, and within 10 seconds, they’ve picked up the three count, and the title shot on Raw, as their mentor Bret Hart cheers them on.
Ms. Cewsh: The Hart Dynasty! Shocking! They, of course, hit a top-rope Hart Attack and win in less than 30 seconds. The end.
Cewsh: It feels unfair to really be harsh on this match, as apparently it was supposed to be what happened on Raw this past week leading to the tag title match at the PPV tonight, and they decided to just go with it here and have the title match on their 3 hour draft special. I get that. But the fact remains that they put this on a show that they asked people to actually pay money to see, and therefore it has to be held to that standard. And from that standpoint, this was not good. I really dislike long, extended promo segments on PPVs anyway, as I feel it ruins the tone of the show, but this one led to a confusing, rushed, and kind of pointless gauntlet situation. Then the matches themselves were short, but not sweet, and by the end, this segment was just filler. Miz and Show did their jobs well, especially Miz, but this was just a bad situation turned into a worse match.
Not a good start.
51 out of 100.
Ms. Cewsh: I don’t get it. At all. Why did this happen? Why wasn’t it announced? Why was there a fucking DQ on an Extreme pay-per-view?!
36 out of 100.
Cewsh: Ah, now this is more my speed.
This feud was touched off….well actually I have no idea how it originally started, but it has been raging for months, as CM Punk has made it his mission to convert Rey to straight edge, reasoning that if he gets Rey to join his flock then he’ll also convince all of the fans to accept straight edge into their life. Rey, obviously, takes a dim view of this, and an even dimmer view of Punk scaring his children and making his life a living hell, so they finally made it to this match, where if Rey wins, Punk has to have his head shaved. That may not seem like a big deal on the surface, but since Punk requires initiates into his group to shave their heads and he remains unshaved, the idea is that it would steal his machismo and such. Also, he’d look really odd.
So these two get it going, and immediately two things are obvious. The first is that these two are a ton of fun to watch. They’re smooth, they have great chemistry together, and Punk especially looks fantastic as he bumps Rey around like a teddy bear. The second obvious thing is that this match does not have a ton of substance to it. Being a CM Punk match, I did my best to give it the benefit of the doubt and I tried to find some great psychology and storytelling in their somewhere, but it just wasn’t there to be found. For such a heated match, between two angry rivals, this match seemed like an extraordinary amount of Punk waiting for Rey to set up his spots, and Rey taking his time and having no interest in going for the kill.
This isn’t a bad match, let me make that very clear. I don’t think these two can possibly have a bad match together. But I was expecting lofty things from these two performers and this feud, and this match just didn’t deliver them for me. The match did have one point of interest I must mention, though, as a mysterious man (or two) interfered in the match to help Punk, and he fell trying to get back under the ring, exposing the fact that he has a bald head, meaning that we’re very likely getting a new member (or two). That’s very interesting indeed.
I just wish it weren’t really the only notable highlight of this match. Fun, but shallow. Good in a drinking buddy. Bad in a wrestling match.
74 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I really wish I could enjoy these matches as much as everyone else seems to. I just find Rey so unpleasant to watch, especially when he’s on the offense. He bumps fine for Punk, but every time he’s in the driver’s seat, it’s just terrible. Maybe it’s a lack of transitions. Maybe it’s the fact that the 619 was set up at least four times.
The match also has too many near falls. It makes for a boring, frustrating bout, plagued by too many heel misdeeds. I can understand Serena or Gallows interfering, but Serena interfered twice and was ejected, then Gallows argued and was also ejected, and then a mysterious stranger threw Punk a chair, and then he/another mysterious stranger attacked Rey and hid under the ring, (botching CRAWLING in the process.) It’s too much and I feel it makes Punk look weak to need so much help.
54 out of 100.
Cewsh: Now this match really does interest me and it may very well be the most fresh match on the card. We have Shad, formerly of Cryme Tyme, who turned on his partner JTG and is now exhibiting a mean streak a mile long, and promo skills I had no idea he had as a new and exciting heel on Smackdown. He also has some new music which I somehow manage to both love and hate at the same time, resulting in some kind of face breaking grin/grimace every time it comes on.
JTG is exactly the same, still looking like the lovechild of Katt Williams and Billy Dee Williams (hey wait a minute, same last name? Hmm…), but is naturally out for revenge here after weeks of Shad fucking him about without any chance for JTG to get his hands on him.
Even more interesting is the fact that they’re having a strap match, something that has been conspicuously absent from wrestling for a good long time now. Here the strap is used liberally and to great effect as both men whip each other all over the place, and they both find truly interesting and new ways to utilize the thing. From JTG laying down on the stairs to keep Shad from making any progress, to Shad upending JTG like a Jenga stack, they really make the strap work for them, and use it to great effect.
Finally we get the usual situation where Shad carries a limp JTG around on his back as he touches the corners, while JTG secretly touches them too. JTG ALMOST wins by darting past Shad, but he gets cut off. They struggle for a second, until JTG rushes forward, nails the Boxcutter (Tanahashi Twirling Neckbreaker) and leaps to touch the last turnbuckle, winning the match, and saving the Rebel Alliance.
I think of all the matches on the show, this was the most pleasant surprise, as these guys, with almost no hype and no expectations, went out and had a really fun and entertaining match that made them both look like potential future stars. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for both of these guys, but it definitely looks bright from where I’m standing.
75 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I really like Shad’s look, and I’ve been enjoying his heel turn. JTG, too, has surprised me since Cryme Tyme broke up, even if he looks like a hyperactive chihuahua in comparison to his former tag partner. Still, this match feels kind of shoehorned in, if just for the fact that up-and-comers are usually paired with an established star.
Shad gets a really great move early on when JTG tangles himself in the strap and Shad pulls it, sending JTG spinning through the air.
I’ve never seen a strap match before, and I’m a little confused. At one point, JTG touches three corners, Shad hits him, and the announcers declare that he’ll have to start all over. Why? No one touched a corner. JTG could still touch the fourth and be “in succession”. But then at the end of the match, Shad touches one, JTG touches one, Shad touches two, JTG touches two, Shad touches three, JTG touches three, THEY BRAWL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, JTG touches four and they give him the win!
Why can we not make any goddamn sense tonight? Please? For like two seconds?
55 out of 100.
Segment 6 – World Heavyweight Championship – Extreme Rules – Jack (Little Ditty About Jack And Diane) Swagger © vs. Randy (Two American Kids Growing Up In The Heartland) Orton.
Ms.Cewsh: I’ve never really cared about match order, but it seems pretty disrespectful to put a championship match on so early in the show.
Still, this is an exceptional match, especially considering the crap it followed. It starts off pretty slow, but it builds nicely. There are some great spots, mostly after the foreign objects are introduced. I especially liked the shot to the gut with the belt.
There aren’t a lot of objects brought into play, which is weird to me. Most of the Extreme Rules or Hardcore or Whatever matches I’ve seen have involved everything and the kitchen sink. I don’t think I’ve ever winced at a trash can shot, like I winced at these, since trash cans are usually after thoughts in these matches. It’s smart booking for the PG era. Hold back a lot of the items we’ve been conditioned to respond to, so that the safest of objects now looks brutal.
The ending is lovely and protects both guys. Randy hits his DDT and sets up the RKO, but wait! We can make this worse. Let’s add a chair! Unfortunately, this gives Swagger just enough time to recover and counter the RKO. Randy hits the chair, Swags hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb. Swags retains, but Randy doesn’t look like he jobbed to a guy who just lost clean to Morrison last week. Bravo.
78 out of 100.
Cewsh: I am officially warming to Jack Swagger.
If you go back through the archives and look, I haven’t exactly been flattering to Jack Swagger over the years. I’ve said that he looks ridiculous, that his promo skills are lacking, that his matches are boring, and several other unflattering things that wouldn’t exactly lead you to believe that I’d be overly excited about this man getting plucked out of obscurity for a title run. And yet he has really impressed me. He’s gotten considerably more serious, he’s bulked up a little bit, his promos have gotten more meaningful, and his matches have been exciting to watch as he starts to really get it from a wrestling standpoint.
This match is no different. Now, it doesn’t hurt that Randy Orton is the closest thing we have to Shawn Michaels now, with the ability to get in the ring with absolutely anyone and make that individual look like a million dollars at the end, but Swagger more than held his own here too, and ultimate when they got to the end where Orton makes one mistake and Swagger capitalizes on it with the Gutwrench Powerbomb and the clean victory, I was damn glad to see Swagger win. This whole thing is a credit to Orton, to Swagger, and to the people who put Swagger in with the perfect guy to make him look like the threat we’re meant to see him as.
Now I would be remiss if I let one part of this match that I particularly didn’t like go by without comment. Jack Swagger and Randy Orton are brawling on the outside of the ring, and Randy grabs a trash can and absolutely annihilates Swagger with it twice.
I know the trash cans are practically made out of harsh words and unicorn tears, but vicious headshots like that still put me off, and i’d really rather they not be used at all. I’m glad WWE axed the chair headshots, and again, I understand that this is a much lighter blow, but it still didn’t sit right with me. And it really never will.
Anyway, I really liked this match, if you can’t tell. It wasn’t perfect, and Swagger has a long way to go to put on truly elite matches, but he’s off to a helluva start and he’s only going to get better.
82 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal Of Approval.
Cewsh: Okay, take two.
Sheamus comes out to the ring and says that the referee needs to declare the match a forfeit in his favor. Of course the ref doesn’t get 2 feet before Triple H bursts out of the trainer’s office with a worried looking trainer following behind trying to stick ice on him in various places. This perturbs Sheamus, as he totally wasn’t expecting to have to wrestle tonight, and was looking forward to getting back to the hotel in time for Will and Grace.
Then they commence brawling like a couple of school kids over a mint condition Charzard Holofoil card. The story here is that Triple H is still nursing a head and an arm (?) injury, and so Sheamus just keeps coming back to that to try to keep the big man down. Triple H holds his own damn well, but ultimate Sheamus hits him with roughly 8,000 pump kicks to the face (or 4, close enough), which gets him only a suck it first, but finally is enough to put Triple H away and make Sheamus king of the ring. For tonight at least.
This was a brawl. A good brawl. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Triple H has these types of matches down to a science these days, and you could slot anybody in there and it’ll be at least a passable match, and Sheamus has grown into much more than just anybody. I am still continually impressed by how far Sheamus has come as a complete performer in a very short period of time, and if it’s Triple H’s influence that is helping him improve and getting him into this spot, then I’m all for it, because Sheamus is becoming a true star in front of our eyes.
This feud isn’t over, of course. I’m sure it will continue on to Over the Limit. And this match did a great job to make me want to see Triple H get his revenge. And since that was its job, I’d say mission accomplished.
78 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Oh do we get a match now? Goodie goodie gum drops!
I’m kidding. While I think storylines, beatdowns, and strange unadvertised gauntlet matches are what Raws were made for, (although come to think of it, maybe they were meant for Raw. I may have been too hard on this set up,) I think these two have been having a goodish feud.
I don’t generally like brawls, so this isn’t my favorite match, but it’s entertaining for the type. Sheamus plays a monster preying on the injured Trips, and he does it really well. Then, when Trips gets his big comeback and delivers some of the more vicious kendo stick shots I’ve seen, Sheamus gets to play the chicken and Trips gets to show off some great vengeful babyface work.
Again, both guys look really strong at the finish. Sheamus has the advantage of causing “nerve damage” pre-match, so there’s no shame in Triple H losing. Trips takes four of those kicky things before going down, making him look like a fighter. I don’t think it’s the blow-off, so it’s just a nice little heel driven brawl.
And Sheamus’ back looks sick as he walks to the back. Jesus.
75 out of 100.
Segment 8 – WWE Women’s Championship – Extreme Makeover Match – Michelle (We Are Strong) McCool © vs. Beth (Heartache To Heartache, We Say) Phoenix.
Ms.Cewsh: Let me put this out first. We try to avoid spoilers, but sometimes we forget we’re following wrestlers on Twitter. And sometimes those wrestlers win matches. And sometimes they post about it ON Twitter. So I will try to be objective, but I’m already doing a little dance that Beth wins this match.
What I’m NOT doing a dance over is this match. I appreciate the idea of a women’s hardcore match. I’m all for women having the same gimmicks as men, including the more brutal shots or blading if the match calls for it. However, this is not that kind of match.
This is a Good Housekeeping Match, given a new name to try to placate the women watching. Clothes and makeup are arranged at ringside. Brooms, irons, and ironing boards are under the ring. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we must suffer the “jokes” of the commentary team. I’ve said it before: King is a misogynistic ass who should be future endeavored before he can further alienate a third of the audience. Striker follows his lead, encouraging Vickie to sample the makeup and making more puns than Cewsh.
Speaking of Vickie, she’s clearly kowtowing to the WWE’s ridiculous beauty standards. She’s been trimming up for awhile, but she’s starting to look sickly.
As for the match, Team LayCool comes down to the ring first, obviously accompanied by Vickie. Beth comes down and they’re immediately off. She and Michelle are pretty even at first. Beth introduces the first weapon, employing a broom to “sweep away” Layla. She turns into a shot of hairspray to the eyes.
Michelle grabs an ironing board while Beth is down and uses it similarly to a step ladder. Clearly in control, Michelle locks in a body scissor, before Layla throws her an iron. “Hilariously”, Layla is still holding the cord when Michelle goes to hit Beth with it! The iron bounces away and Michelle goes back to the ironing board. Beth won’t stay down, though, and Michelle rolls out of the ring.
She discovers there are mops at ringside and angrily upends a bucket of water all over the makeup and Striker. Hey, that’s my fantasy, too! Then, Michelle returns to her trusty ironing board. Beth fights back, causing Layla and Vickie to tackle her. Michelle grabs a bottle of hair spray, Beth ducks, and Michelle sprays her cronies. This gives Beth the opportunity to gain control again, setting McCool up on the makeup table.
Rather than put her through the table, Beth overturns it with Michelle still laying on top. Beth rolls her back into the ring before nailing Michelle with the empty bucket and going for a pin.
Beth sets up the ironing boards in the corner and puts Michelle on top of the turnbuckle. On the outside, Vickie gets a broom and starts whacking Beth, giving Striker his only funny line since ECW went off the air. Layla gets a mop and they manage to distract Beth long enough for Michelle to shove her back onto the ironing boards. Michelle goes for the pin, but Beth kicks out at two.
Beth hits a Glam Slam, pretty much out of nowhere, and pins Michelle for the win.
You’ll notice I only named two moves in the play by play. I’m not missing many. What wrestling they’re able to do, is done very well. Beth and Michelle are obviously talented and work off each other effortlessly.
Unfortunately, they’re in this match. As such, they’re required to do nothing more than hit each other in the gut with an ironing board and over the head with a bucket. All to the soundtrack of cleaning-related puns and sexism. It’s a testament to the two in-ring talents that it was as good as it was.
59 out of 100.
Cewsh: Okay, I need to say this. Beth Phoenix and Michelle McCool did a great job here. They wrestled one of the more well done women’s matches in recent memory for WWE, and showed that they have great chemistry, and the potential for excellent matches down the road.
It’s a fucking crime that their good match was stolen from them by everything from the valets at ringside, the abominable gimmick they were saddled with, and the fact that the announcers did not take this match seriously for a tenth of a fucking second. To the degree where it seemed like Lawler was actually TRYING to sabotage this match.
I can’t say enough for the wrestlers, and I can’t say enough against everything else. It hurts me to have to score this match so low, but this is literally the highest a match can get that pisses me off this much.
Fucking embarrassing, WWE. Just embarrassing.
50 out of 100.
Cewsh: This is the strangest match that I have ever seen.
And I’ve seen HUSTLE.
The first issue I have with this match is with the build up. This feud was touched off because Jericho was a jerk to Edge when he got injured last year. So when Edge got a title shot, he used it on Jericho to get him back. Now they’re claiming all sorts of stuff like these two were best friends once when that was so completely not the case, especially since they were tag champs together for about 10 minutes. Then there’s the fact that neither guy seems all that interested in talking about their feud when they get the chance. Edge only wants to talk about spearing people, and Jericho spends more time talking about NXT than anything else, even spending his promo RIGHT BEFORE THE MATCH talking about Heath Slater. For fucks sake man, you’re in a heated cage match right now! Look excited or anxious or something!
Then we get to the match. For twenty minutes, Chris Jericho and Edge do their very best job to confuse the ever loving shit out of me. Edge does heel tactic and heel tactic and tries to escape, while Jericho has a chance to escape and choose to hurt Edge instead? Since when has that been Jericho’s character? These two guys spend so much time trying to convince us that this is a heated, vicious blood feud blow off match that they forget to actually HAVE that match. They go on and on and on and on, and they crowd slowly dies more and more until it is absolutely dead. I’m talking so silent you could hear a pin drop, and yet these two continue on like they’re performing to raucous cheers.
Look, these are two of the best wrestlers in the business today. They both get overrated some, but they’re both capable of some amazing stuff. But this is just a horribly miscast situation. The match was all wrong for the situation, Jericho attitude is all wrong for his character, and Edge is not a face. It’s not like Orton where we cheer him and he just acts the same, so he transitions into being a tweener. No, Edge is a face that they want us to cheer who is absolutely miserable at being liked. Edge is the greatest heel of our generation. He may also be the worst main event face of our generation. The solution is obvious. Now we just have to settle in and wait for the heel turn to come to pass.
It can’t come soon enough, and it didn’t come soon enough to save this match.
70 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: It’s not a bad match, by any means, in fact it’s a very well wrestled and super heated match. But I didn’t understand it. Why have a cage match if neither man is going to escape the cage? Edge said he wouldn’t try and when Jericho had the chance, he passed it up.
It’s also weirdly personal and made me really uncomfortable at times. I like when matches feel personal and heated, but this feud didn’t seem to warrant it. Plus, I don’t know what Edge is going for, character-wise. I can’t see him as a face when he’s beating the hell out of Jericho and screaming at him to try to escape. Obviously the crowd couldn’t either, because they didn’t make a peep. They couldn’t even get the Spear chant really going.
I just didn’t know what to feel about it at any point. I kind of want to give it a terrible score for not fitting the feud, but I can’t penalize the good wrestling, either.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh: Jesus, what a pop for Cena when he comes out, almost single handedly dragging this crowd into some semblance of wakedness.
This match is another one that is really sponging off of their Wrestlemania match, with the crux of the feud being that Batista is pissed at Cena for being the face of the WWE, when Batista feels that that role should have been his all along. Now added onto that is the anger at having tapped out to Cena at Wrestlemania, and you have an Animal who is burning to get the upper hand here and show Cena what’s what once and for all leading us to this Last Man Standing match. For those who may not be familiar, a Last Man Standing match is essentially a Street Fight where the only way to win is to hurt your opponent enough that he is unable to reach his feet by the referee’s count of ten. As you might expect, easier said than done.
The match starts off slow, with Cena out maneuvering and frustrating Batista at every turn, causing Batista to roll out repeatedly to collect himself. Finally, he decides that collections are for nerds, and he grabs a chair and swings for the fences, narrowly missing Cena and hitting the turnbuckle instead, giving Cena the opportunity to pepper him with lefts and rights. The two combatants go back and forth for awhile, with each man trying to end the match simply, by letting the referee attempt to make the count to ten after every decently large move. But c’mon, this is John Cena and Dave Batista we’re talking about here. It is not going to be that easy.
Batista starts trying to wear down his determined foe, using clotheslines, and slams, and finally even a Figure Four Leg Lock, but Cena just keeps popping up, like that purchase of 60,000 blow up dolls on your credit report. Batista, not being known for his calm and patient demeanor, hits that motherfucker with a wrench, and goes to finish the job with a chair, but before he can Cena plants him with a decisive Attitude Adjustment onto the chair. Cena is SURE that this is enough to put the Batsman down, but before you know it, Batista is up spearing Cena out of his shoes. This keeps both men down nearly for the full count, before Cena makes it to his feet, whereupon Batista spears his jolly ass again, just for kicks.
But John Cena rises again.
Batista, in a fury, grabs a tool box and throws it all over the place before grabbing a table, setting it up in the corner, and then walking directly into an STF. He manages to escape, and in a feat of strength he tosses Cena across the ring directly into the table. That gets an 8 count. Cena is still alive. Batista tosses that motherfucker through the goddamn barricade. Cena gets up at 9. At this point, Batista absolutely loses his shit. He rips the top off of the announce table, and rips out the monitors and throws one at Michael Cole, making him my hero. Then he sets up the stairs next to the table. Bats…what are you doing over there? He tucks Cena’s head into his crotch, and goes for the powerbomb. But Cena knows an endgame when he sees one, and he reverses that shit into an Attitude Adjustment through the table off the stairs.
Batista answers with a spinebuster through a table, Cena gets back up. Batista hits Cena with the Batista Bomb, Cena makes it up at the last millisecond. And for the first time in this match, Bats starts to look unsure. Does he have what it takes to actually beat John Cena? Cena takes advantage of Batista’s moment of weakness by slapping the STF on his whack ass, and holds it on until Batista goes limp. Now it’s Batista’s turn to defy the odds and make it triumphantly back to his feat, and Cena’s turn to scowl in frustration. Then, the light bulb goes on over his head as he looks down at the toolbox.
Cena grabs Batista’s feet, and crotches him on the corner post. He then whips out a roll of DUCT TAPE and ties Batista’s motherfucking feet together! Cena enters the ring and the ref starts the count.
The Champ is still here.
This was a match in two parts for me. The beginning, with Cena outsmarting Batista and frustrating him worked perfectly with the ending, where neither man could put the other down, so he outsmarted Batista instead. The middle, though, dragged at many point for me, and seemed like a lot of spots without as much flow as I’d really like to hold this match together. Ultimately, though, the incredibly great ending, and the overall wonderful performances for both men (even though this was basically Selling 101: How Not To Do It) lead me to want to reward this match. If for nothing other than the finish alone, you should see this match. The rest won’t make you sad you watched either, but the finish is the show tonight.
83 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: Love him or hate him, at least Cena woke this crowd up.
He and Bats have a very frenetic match right out of the gate. As suits this type of gimmick, they use a lot of power moves and toss around chairs like they’re going out of style.
Bats starts and stays in control, putting Cena down for several 6 and 7 counts. This bores Striker, who decides to start talking about Cena’s shoes. He’s not wearing socks. That’s yucky.
Batista stays dominant through a Figure Four, before Cena starts to make his comeback. He can’t maintain any momentum, taking a barrage of weapon shots. Bats gets a table and sets it up in the corner, shoving John through it. He’s tossed out of the ring and Batista scares some poor child half to death. “Boo, I hate you Batista!”
“I HATE YOU TOO!”
Jesus, you can almost hear the kid piss himself. Meanwhile, Bats dumps out a toolbox that will be very important later, before destroying an innocent barricade with John Cena’s face. He sets up a very badass spot, dragging the stairs over next to the announce table. Of course that means that John counters and Batista goes through the table instead. He stays down for a 9 count, but it’s not quite enough.
Cena gets back in the ring with a table and while the ref spends several minutes pushing the wreckage of the last table about in circles, Batista tosses Cena through this one too.
I’m going to give the end big points for being clever. Like, actually smart, clever. Cena gets Batista on his stomach and goes to nut shot him on the ring post. While he’s down, Cena grabs the duct tape that Batista tossed out of the tool box and hog-ties his feet together. Batista can’t stand, so he can’t answer the count. Cena retains, Batista is embarrassed.
I enjoyed the match for it’s energy, but it does get a little tiring to see both guys no sell a dozen finishers, then have Batista tap in a Last Man Standing setting.
84 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 70.37 out of 100.
Ms. Cewsh Final Score: 65.25 out of 100.
So keep those submissions rolling in, and give Potato Head Prime the food he desperately craves, and until we see you next, keep reading and be good to one another!