Monthly Archives: April 2010

WWE Extreme Rules 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Extreme Rules 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Extremeist macaroni and cheese review on these fine internets, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you, as WWE takes their yearly trip down the highway of the extreme, and this year everyone is getting their gimmick match boots on to blow off feuds from Wrestlemania. In effect, this is Backlash, except more EXTREME, which I assume means that they drink more Mountain Dew and skateboard without the use of a helmet. Hardcore. Anyway, tonight is the night for some serious blow offs to the feuds that propelled Wrestlemania to such great heights. Cena and Batista are going to see who can be the slowest to stand up, Edge and Jericho are going to play inside of a very inefficient sandbox together, and CM Punk and Rey Mysterio are going to fight over Rey’s desire to be a beauty school dropout (beauty school dropouuuuut). All this and more as, for one night, World Wrestling Entertainment takes them both, because they’re hardcore.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: The opening video starts off with this wicked rad effect with a siren going off, and the screen flashing the word “Extreme” in black, white, and red. It’s a really cool effect that got me pumped…until the rest of the video proceeded to be completely normal fare that didn’t go with the theme or the graphic at all. It wasn’t bad or anything, it just didn’t live up to the hyperrad intro, and then before you know it, it’s over.

I usually judge these things based on how excited they make me to watch the show I’m about to watch, and for that, this didn’t do the best job. This would be a fine video for anyone else, but for the whiz kids in the WWE production crew, this is child’s play.

Segment 2 – Street Fight – Triple (Karma Chameleon) H vs. Sheamus (He Comes And Goes).

Cewsh: So this is an extension of these guys’ feud that led through Wrestlemania to here, which was touched off by Triple H pinning Sheamus in the Elimination Chamber match in February and pissing him right the heel off. Ever since Sheamus has been all up in Triple H’s business, attacking him during his goodbye to Shawn Michaels and just generally being a dickhead whenever the opportunity presents itself. Triple H, for his part, finally decided that that was enough of that, which has led us to tonight’s Street Fight.

…or it would, if Sheamus hadn’t jumped Triple H in the backstage area and then beaten him half to death with a steel pipe, leaving The Game down and out, and unable to compete.

Ms.Cewsh: What the heck is this doing so low on the card? Not that this ends up being a match, just a backstage beat down. It’s really only notable for the terrible camera shot at the start. I get that the camera guy is running, but it’s just too close to the terrible “through the eyes” cam.

This had no business being on PPV, and I don’t like being confused so early into a show. Not a good start.

Segment 3 – Gauntlet Match – SHOWMIZ (Come On Eileen) vs. The Entire WWE Roster (Girl, You Know What I Mean).

Cewsh: So with Triple H and Sheamus no longer having a match, that leaves the door open for SHOWMIZ to show up and get themselves some attention. So they aunter to the ring, and the Miz brags about how they’re the best tag team of all time, and about how they can’t possibly be beaten. This brings out Teddy Long, who decides to book them in a match on the spot. Miz is unimpressed and continues taunting Teddy, so Teddy books him in two matches. Miz still won’t shut up, so Teddy books them in THREE matches, where the first team to beat SHOWMIZ will get a title shot on Raw tomorrow night. Miz tries to continue talking, but the Big Show puts his hand over his partner’s mouth to stop himself from having to wrestling the entire card on this show.

Living Out The Fantasy Of Millions Of WWE Fans.

Teddy then sends the first team down, and it is none other than John Morrison and R-Truth, whom they faced at Wrestlemania!

The match gets started, and it’s very quickly just like their Wrestlemania match. Truth, Morrison and Miz bounce all over the ring in entertaining ways, and Show is the heavy that keeps the match going forward. These guys aren’t the greatest tag wrestlers of all time, but I can’t imagine really having any complaints with this bit, with all four doing what they do as well as ever. At least until the end, when Morrison gets Show trapped in the ropes in a triangle choke hold reminiscent of TAJIRI’s Tarantula. However, very much unlike TAJIRI, Morrison apparently never went to “You Have Until 5” school, and gets his team disqualified by refusing to break the hold.

Alright, so wait. This is Extreme Rules, where every match is an Extreme Rules match, by default. And the faces just got disqualified. And then no explanation is given for this, everybody just acts like this is a perfectly normal way for this match to end, and Morrison looks a little disappointed as he walks to the back. You should be disappointed, man! You just forgot how to count to 5! Even wrestling bloggers know how to do that (for example, I’m on my 5th bottle of Scotch). Sheesh.

Ms.Cewsh: They’re not even supposed to be on this show, so are they here for a match? Oh no, it’s a segment. On a PPV. Gdi, I hate this show and we’re only 5 minutes in. Shomiz promo about how they’re great and Bret’s going to have to say they’re the greatest, but wait! Teddy Long comes out and announces we ARE going to have a match! Did Trips get injured and that’s why this is obvious filler?

Do we even have enough tag teams for a gauntlet match?

MorTruth come down as the first team. Morrison’s great, as always, and he and Truth get some nice double team moves in. It’s not a terrible match, and longer than a team usually gets in a gauntlet setting, but the end makes no sense. Morrison gets DQ’d after refusing to break a Triangle Choke in 5. Um, he’s a face, yes? Trying to become number one contender? Yeah, that makes sense.

I HAVE UNTIL 16, REF!


Cewsh
: Next up on the conga line is the World’s Strongest Tag Team (also known as the Wolrd’s Most Directionless Midcarders) of MVP and Mark Henry. MVP charges in, beats up on Miz for awhile, before the Big Show knocks him out with a punch from the floor, allowing SHOWMIZ to sneak through round 2.

Ms. Cewsh: MarkVP run down while Show’s still dazed from the choke and MVP tries for a pin. It’s not successful. If the first match was pretty OK, this match is pretty fucking awful. Not only does Henry not feature, so what’s the point of a TAG gauntlet?, but Show manages to botch a punch so badly it really should be in highlight reels. Show’s “punch” puts MVP out and Miz gets the pin.

Cewsh: So now we’re down to the final team, and if that team can’t beat SHOWMIZ, then they don’t have to defend their titles on Raw. So who could it…THE HART DYNASTY. Oh snippy snippy snap.

Kidd and Smith waste zero time, as Smith hoists the Miz up into position, and Kidd springboards off of the top to deliver a devastating Hart Attack, and within 10 seconds, they’ve picked up the three count, and the title shot on Raw, as their mentor Bret Hart cheers them on.

Ms. Cewsh: The Hart Dynasty! Shocking! They, of course, hit a top-rope Hart Attack and win in less than 30 seconds. The end.

Cewsh: It feels unfair to really be harsh on this match, as apparently it was supposed to be what happened on Raw this past week leading to the tag title match at the PPV tonight, and they decided to just go with it here and have the title match on their 3 hour draft special. I get that. But the fact remains that they put this on a show that they asked people to actually pay money to see, and therefore it has to be held to that standard. And from that standpoint, this was not good. I really dislike long, extended promo segments on PPVs anyway, as I feel it ruins the tone of the show, but this one led to a confusing, rushed, and kind of pointless gauntlet situation. Then the matches themselves were short, but not sweet, and by the end, this segment was just filler. Miz and Show did their jobs well, especially Miz, but this was just a bad situation turned into a worse match.

Not a good start.

51 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh: I don’t get it. At all. Why did this happen? Why wasn’t it announced? Why was there a fucking DQ on an Extreme pay-per-view?!

36 out of 100.

The Hart Dynasty Over SHOWMIZ Following The Hart Attack.

Segment 4 – Hair Match – CM (I Don’t Give A Damn About My Reputation) Punk vs. Rey (I Never Said I Wanted To Improve My Station) Mysterio.

Cewsh: Ah, now this is more my speed.

This feud was touched off….well actually I have no idea how it originally started, but it has been raging for months, as CM Punk has made it his mission to convert Rey to straight edge, reasoning that if he gets Rey to join his flock then he’ll also convince all of the fans to accept straight edge into their life. Rey, obviously, takes a dim view of this, and an even dimmer view of Punk scaring his children and making his life a living hell, so they finally made it to this match, where if Rey wins, Punk has to have his head shaved. That may not seem like a big deal on the surface, but since Punk requires initiates into his group to shave their heads and he remains unshaved, the idea is that it would steal his machismo and such. Also, he’d look really odd.

So these two get it going, and immediately two things are obvious. The first is that these two are a ton of fun to watch. They’re smooth, they have great chemistry together, and Punk especially looks fantastic as he bumps Rey around like a teddy bear. The second obvious thing is that this match does not have a ton of substance to it. Being a CM Punk match, I did my best to give it the benefit of the doubt and I tried to find some great psychology and storytelling in their somewhere, but it just wasn’t there to be found. For such a heated match, between two angry rivals, this match seemed like an extraordinary amount of Punk waiting for Rey to set up his spots, and Rey taking his time and having no interest in going for the kill.

This isn’t a bad match, let me make that very clear. I don’t think these two can possibly have a bad match together. But I was expecting lofty things from these two performers and this feud, and this match just didn’t deliver them for me. The match did have one point of interest I must mention, though, as a mysterious man (or two) interfered in the match to help Punk, and he fell trying to get back under the ring, exposing the fact that he has a bald head, meaning that we’re very likely getting a new member (or two). That’s very interesting indeed.

Eric Young?

I just wish it weren’t really the only notable highlight of this match. Fun, but shallow. Good in a drinking buddy. Bad in a wrestling match.

74 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: I really wish I could enjoy these matches as much as everyone else seems to. I just find Rey so unpleasant to watch, especially when he’s on the offense. He bumps fine for Punk, but every time he’s in the driver’s seat, it’s just terrible. Maybe it’s a lack of transitions. Maybe it’s the fact that the 619 was set up at least four times.

The match also has too many near falls. It makes for a boring, frustrating bout, plagued by too many heel misdeeds. I can understand Serena or Gallows interfering, but Serena interfered twice and was ejected, then Gallows argued and was also ejected, and then a mysterious stranger threw Punk a chair, and then he/another mysterious stranger attacked Rey and hid under the ring, (botching CRAWLING in the process.) It’s too much and I feel it makes Punk look weak to need so much help.

54 out of 100.

CM Punk Over Rey Mysterio Following The Go 2 Sleep.

Segment 5 – Strap Match – JTG (Exit Light) vs. Shad (Enter Night) Gaspard.

Cewsh: Now this match really does interest me and it may very well be the most fresh match on the card. We have Shad, formerly of Cryme Tyme, who turned on his partner JTG and is now exhibiting a mean streak a mile long, and promo skills I had no idea he had as a new and exciting heel on Smackdown. He also has some new music which I somehow manage to both love and hate at the same time, resulting in some kind of face breaking grin/grimace every time it comes on.

Did I Say Hate? I Meant Super Duper Love. Please Don’t Hurt Me.

JTG is exactly the same, still looking like the lovechild of Katt Williams and Billy Dee Williams (hey wait a minute, same last name? Hmm…), but is naturally out for revenge here after weeks of Shad fucking him about without any chance for JTG to get his hands on him.

Even more interesting is the fact that they’re having a strap match, something that has been conspicuously absent from wrestling for a good long time now. Here the strap is used liberally and to great effect as both men whip each other all over the place, and they both find truly interesting and new ways to utilize the thing. From JTG laying down on the stairs to keep Shad from making any progress, to Shad upending JTG like a Jenga stack, they really make the strap work for them, and use it to great effect.

Finally we get the usual situation where Shad carries a limp JTG around on his back as he touches the corners, while JTG secretly touches them too. JTG ALMOST wins by darting past Shad, but he gets cut off. They struggle for a second, until JTG rushes forward, nails the Boxcutter (Tanahashi Twirling Neckbreaker) and leaps to touch the last turnbuckle, winning the match, and saving the Rebel Alliance.

I think of all the matches on the show, this was the most pleasant surprise, as these guys, with almost no hype and no expectations, went out and had a really fun and entertaining match that made them both look like potential future stars. I can’t wait to see what the future holds for both of these guys, but it definitely looks bright from where I’m standing.

75 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: I really like Shad’s look, and I’ve been enjoying his heel turn. JTG, too, has surprised me since Cryme Tyme broke up, even if he looks like a hyperactive chihuahua in comparison to his former tag partner. Still, this match feels kind of shoehorned in, if just for the fact that up-and-comers are usually paired with an established star.

Shad gets a really great move early on when JTG tangles himself in the strap and Shad pulls it, sending JTG spinning through the air.

I’ve never seen a strap match before, and I’m a little confused. At one point, JTG touches three corners, Shad hits him, and the announcers declare that he’ll have to start all over. Why? No one touched a corner. JTG could still touch the fourth and be “in succession”. But then at the end of the match, Shad touches one, JTG touches one, Shad touches two, JTG touches two, Shad touches three, JTG touches three, THEY BRAWL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING, JTG touches four and they give him the win!

Why can we not make any goddamn sense tonight? Please? For like two seconds?


55 out of 100.

JTG over Shad Gaspard Following The Successful Touching Of All Four Corners.

Segment 6 – World Heavyweight Championship – Extreme Rules – Jack (Little Ditty About Jack And Diane) Swagger © vs. Randy (Two American Kids Growing Up In The Heartland) Orton.

Ms.Cewsh: I’ve never really cared about match order, but it seems pretty disrespectful to put a championship match on so early in the show.

Still, this is an exceptional match, especially considering the crap it followed. It starts off pretty slow, but it builds nicely. There are some great spots, mostly after the foreign objects are introduced. I especially liked the shot to the gut with the belt.

There aren’t a lot of objects brought into play, which is weird to me. Most of the Extreme Rules or Hardcore or Whatever matches I’ve seen have involved everything and the kitchen sink. I don’t think I’ve ever winced at a trash can shot, like I winced at these, since trash cans are usually after thoughts in these matches. It’s smart booking for the PG era. Hold back a lot of the items we’ve been conditioned to respond to, so that the safest of objects now looks brutal.

The ending is lovely and protects both guys. Randy hits his DDT and sets up the RKO, but wait! We can make this worse. Let’s add a chair! Unfortunately, this gives Swagger just enough time to recover and counter the RKO. Randy hits the chair, Swags hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb. Swags retains, but Randy doesn’t look like he jobbed to a guy who just lost clean to Morrison last week. Bravo.

78 out of 100.

Cewsh: I am officially warming to Jack Swagger.

If you go back through the archives and look, I haven’t exactly been flattering to Jack Swagger over the years. I’ve said that he looks ridiculous, that his promo skills are lacking, that his matches are boring, and several other unflattering things that wouldn’t exactly lead you to believe that I’d be overly excited about this man getting plucked out of obscurity for a title run. And yet he has really impressed me. He’s gotten considerably more serious, he’s bulked up a little bit, his promos have gotten more meaningful, and his matches have been exciting to watch as he starts to really get it from a wrestling standpoint.

This match is no different. Now, it doesn’t hurt that Randy Orton is the closest thing we have to Shawn Michaels now, with the ability to get in the ring with absolutely anyone and make that individual look like a million dollars at the end, but Swagger more than held his own here too, and ultimate when they got to the end where Orton makes one mistake and Swagger capitalizes on it with the Gutwrench Powerbomb and the clean victory, I was damn glad to see Swagger win. This whole thing is a credit to Orton, to Swagger, and to the people who put Swagger in with the perfect guy to make him look like the threat we’re meant to see him as.

Now I would be remiss if I let one part of this match that I particularly didn’t like go by without comment. Jack Swagger and Randy Orton are brawling on the outside of the ring, and Randy grabs a trash can and absolutely annihilates Swagger with it twice.

BIFF! ZAP!

I know the trash cans are practically made out of harsh words and unicorn tears, but vicious headshots like that still put me off, and i’d really rather they not be used at all. I’m glad WWE axed the chair headshots, and again, I understand that this is a much lighter blow, but it still didn’t sit right with me. And it really never will.

Anyway, I really liked this match, if you can’t tell. It wasn’t perfect, and Swagger has a long way to go to put on truly elite matches, but he’s off to a helluva start and he’s only going to get better.

Long Live The King.

82 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Download Seal Of Approval.

Jack Swagger Over Randy Orton Following The Gutwrench Powerbomb.

Segment 7 – Street Fight – Triple (Heart’s On Fire) H vs. Sheamus (Strong Desire).

Cewsh: Okay, take two.

Sheamus comes out to the ring and says that the referee needs to declare the match a forfeit in his favor. Of course the ref doesn’t get 2 feet before Triple H bursts out of the trainer’s office with a worried looking trainer following behind trying to stick ice on him in various places. This perturbs Sheamus, as he totally wasn’t expecting to have to wrestle tonight, and was looking forward to getting back to the hotel in time for Will and Grace.

Then they commence brawling like a couple of school kids over a mint condition Charzard Holofoil card. The story here is that Triple H is still nursing a head and an arm (?) injury, and so Sheamus just keeps coming back to that to try to keep the big man down. Triple H holds his own damn well, but ultimate Sheamus hits him with roughly 8,000 pump kicks to the face (or 4, close enough), which gets him only a suck it first, but finally is enough to put Triple H away and make Sheamus king of the ring. For tonight at least.

This was a brawl. A good brawl. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Triple H has these types of matches down to a science these days, and you could slot anybody in there and it’ll be at least a passable match, and Sheamus has grown into much more than just anybody. I am still continually impressed by how far Sheamus has come as a complete performer in a very short period of time, and if it’s Triple H’s influence that is helping him improve and getting him into this spot, then I’m all for it, because Sheamus is becoming a true star in front of our eyes.

This feud isn’t over, of course. I’m sure it will continue on to Over the Limit. And this match did a great job to make me want to see Triple H get his revenge. And since that was its job, I’d say mission accomplished.

78 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh do we get a match now? Goodie goodie gum drops!

I’m kidding. While I think storylines, beatdowns, and strange unadvertised gauntlet matches are what Raws were made for, (although come to think of it, maybe they were meant for Raw. I may have been too hard on this set up,) I think these two have been having a goodish feud.

I don’t generally like brawls, so this isn’t my favorite match, but it’s entertaining for the type. Sheamus plays a monster preying on the injured Trips, and he does it really well. Then, when Trips gets his big comeback and delivers some of the more vicious kendo stick shots I’ve seen, Sheamus gets to play the chicken and Trips gets to show off some great vengeful babyface work.

Again, both guys look really strong at the finish. Sheamus has the advantage of causing “nerve damage” pre-match, so there’s no shame in Triple H losing. Trips takes four of those kicky things before going down, making him look like a fighter. I don’t think it’s the blow-off, so it’s just a nice little heel driven brawl.

And Sheamus’ back looks sick as he walks to the back. Jesus.

75 out of 100.

Sheamus Over Triple H Following The Pump Kick.


Segment 8 – WWE Women’s Championship – Extreme Makeover Match – Michelle (We Are Strong) McCool © vs. Beth (Heartache To Heartache, We Say) Phoenix.

Ms.Cewsh: Let me put this out first. We try to avoid spoilers, but sometimes we forget we’re following wrestlers on Twitter. And sometimes those wrestlers win matches. And sometimes they post about it ON Twitter. So I will try to be objective, but I’m already doing a little dance that Beth wins this match.

What I’m NOT doing a dance over is this match. I appreciate the idea of a women’s hardcore match. I’m all for women having the same gimmicks as men, including the more brutal shots or blading if the match calls for it. However, this is not that kind of match.

This is a Good Housekeeping Match, given a new name to try to placate the women watching. Clothes and makeup are arranged at ringside. Brooms, irons, and ironing boards are under the ring. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we must suffer the “jokes” of the commentary team. I’ve said it before: King is a misogynistic ass who should be future endeavored before he can further alienate a third of the audience. Striker follows his lead, encouraging Vickie to sample the makeup and making more puns than Cewsh.

Everything Wrong With This Match, Captured In One Picture.

Speaking of Vickie, she’s clearly kowtowing to the WWE’s ridiculous beauty standards. She’s been trimming up for awhile, but she’s starting to look sickly.

As for the match, Team LayCool comes down to the ring first, obviously accompanied by Vickie. Beth comes down and they’re immediately off. She and Michelle are pretty even at first. Beth introduces the first weapon, employing a broom to “sweep away” Layla. She turns into a shot of hairspray to the eyes.

Michelle grabs an ironing board while Beth is down and uses it similarly to a step ladder. Clearly in control, Michelle locks in a body scissor, before Layla throws her an iron. “Hilariously”, Layla is still holding the cord when Michelle goes to hit Beth with it! The iron bounces away and Michelle goes back to the ironing board. Beth won’t stay down, though, and Michelle rolls out of the ring.

She discovers there are mops at ringside and angrily upends a bucket of water all over the makeup and Striker. Hey, that’s my fantasy, too! Then, Michelle returns to her trusty ironing board. Beth fights back, causing Layla and Vickie to tackle her. Michelle grabs a bottle of hair spray, Beth ducks, and Michelle sprays her cronies. This gives Beth the opportunity to gain control again, setting McCool up on the makeup table.

Rather than put her through the table, Beth overturns it with Michelle still laying on top. Beth rolls her back into the ring before nailing Michelle with the empty bucket and going for a pin.

Beth sets up the ironing boards in the corner and puts Michelle on top of the turnbuckle. On the outside, Vickie gets a broom and starts whacking Beth, giving Striker his only funny line since ECW went off the air. Layla gets a mop and they manage to distract Beth long enough for Michelle to shove her back onto the ironing boards. Michelle goes for the pin, but Beth kicks out at two.

Beth hits a Glam Slam, pretty much out of nowhere, and pins Michelle for the win.

You’ll notice I only named two moves in the play by play. I’m not missing many. What wrestling they’re able to do, is done very well. Beth and Michelle are obviously talented and work off each other effortlessly.

Unfortunately, they’re in this match. As such, they’re required to do nothing more than hit each other in the gut with an ironing board and over the head with a bucket. All to the soundtrack of cleaning-related puns and sexism. It’s a testament to the two in-ring talents that it was as good as it was.


59 out of 100.

Cewsh: Okay, I need to say this. Beth Phoenix and Michelle McCool did a great job here. They wrestled one of the more well done women’s matches in recent memory for WWE, and showed that they have great chemistry, and the potential for excellent matches down the road.

It’s a fucking crime that their good match was stolen from them by everything from the valets at ringside, the abominable gimmick they were saddled with, and the fact that the announcers did not take this match seriously for a tenth of a fucking second. To the degree where it seemed like Lawler was actually TRYING to sabotage this match.

I can’t say enough for the wrestlers, and I can’t say enough against everything else. It hurts me to have to score this match so low, but this is literally the highest a match can get that pisses me off this much.

Fucking embarrassing, WWE. Just embarrassing.


50 out of 100.

Beth Phoenix Over Michelle McCool Following The Glam Slam.

Segment 9 – Cage Match – Edge (Push It To The Limit) vs. Chris (The Limiiiiit) Jericho.

Cewsh: This is the strangest match that I have ever seen.

And I’ve seen HUSTLE.

The first issue I have with this match is with the build up. This feud was touched off because Jericho was a jerk to Edge when he got injured last year. So when Edge got a title shot, he used it on Jericho to get him back. Now they’re claiming all sorts of stuff like these two were best friends once when that was so completely not the case, especially since they were tag champs together for about 10 minutes. Then there’s the fact that neither guy seems all that interested in talking about their feud when they get the chance. Edge only wants to talk about spearing people, and Jericho spends more time talking about NXT than anything else, even spending his promo RIGHT BEFORE THE MATCH talking about Heath Slater. For fucks sake man, you’re in a heated cage match right now! Look excited or anxious or something!

Then we get to the match. For twenty minutes, Chris Jericho and Edge do their very best job to confuse the ever loving shit out of me. Edge does heel tactic and heel tactic and tries to escape, while Jericho has a chance to escape and choose to hurt Edge instead? Since when has that been Jericho’s character? These two guys spend so much time trying to convince us that this is a heated, vicious blood feud blow off match that they forget to actually HAVE that match. They go on and on and on and on, and they crowd slowly dies more and more until it is absolutely dead. I’m talking so silent you could hear a pin drop, and yet these two continue on like they’re performing to raucous cheers.

Look, these are two of the best wrestlers in the business today. They both get overrated some, but they’re both capable of some amazing stuff. But this is just a horribly miscast situation. The match was all wrong for the situation, Jericho attitude is all wrong for his character, and Edge is not a face. It’s not like Orton where we cheer him and he just acts the same, so he transitions into being a tweener. No, Edge is a face that they want us to cheer who is absolutely miserable at being liked. Edge is the greatest heel of our generation. He may also be the worst main event face of our generation. The solution is obvious. Now we just have to settle in and wait for the heel turn to come to pass.

It can’t come soon enough, and it didn’t come soon enough to save this match.

Don’t Be Upset Guys. I Still Love You.

70 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: It’s not a bad match, by any means, in fact it’s a very well wrestled and super heated match. But I didn’t understand it. Why have a cage match if neither man is going to escape the cage? Edge said he wouldn’t try and when Jericho had the chance, he passed it up.

It’s also weirdly personal and made me really uncomfortable at times. I like when matches feel personal and heated, but this feud didn’t seem to warrant it. Plus, I don’t know what Edge is going for, character-wise. I can’t see him as a face when he’s beating the hell out of Jericho and screaming at him to try to escape. Obviously the crowd couldn’t either, because they didn’t make a peep. They couldn’t even get the Spear chant really going.

I just didn’t know what to feel about it at any point. I kind of want to give it a terrible score for not fitting the feud, but I can’t penalize the good wrestling, either.

81 out of 100.

Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Last Man Standing Match – John (You’re The Best Around) Cena © vs. Batista (Nothing’s Gonna Ever Keep You Down).

Cewsh: Jesus, what a pop for Cena when he comes out, almost single handedly dragging this crowd into some semblance of wakedness.

This match is another one that is really sponging off of their Wrestlemania match, with the crux of the feud being that Batista is pissed at Cena for being the face of the WWE, when Batista feels that that role should have been his all along. Now added onto that is the anger at having tapped out to Cena at Wrestlemania, and you have an Animal who is burning to get the upper hand here and show Cena what’s what once and for all leading us to this Last Man Standing match. For those who may not be familiar, a Last Man Standing match is essentially a Street Fight where the only way to win is to hurt your opponent enough that he is unable to reach his feet by the referee’s count of ten. As you might expect, easier said than done.

The match starts off slow, with Cena out maneuvering and frustrating Batista at every turn, causing Batista to roll out repeatedly to collect himself. Finally, he decides that collections are for nerds, and he grabs a chair and swings for the fences, narrowly missing Cena and hitting the turnbuckle instead, giving Cena the opportunity to pepper him with lefts and rights. The two combatants go back and forth for awhile, with each man trying to end the match simply, by letting the referee attempt to make the count to ten after every decently large move. But c’mon, this is John Cena and Dave Batista we’re talking about here. It is not going to be that easy.

Batista starts trying to wear down his determined foe, using clotheslines, and slams, and finally even a Figure Four Leg Lock, but Cena just keeps popping up, like that purchase of 60,000 blow up dolls on your credit report. Batista, not being known for his calm and patient demeanor, hits that motherfucker with a wrench, and goes to finish the job with a chair, but before he can Cena plants him with a decisive Attitude Adjustment onto the chair. Cena is SURE that this is enough to put the Batsman down, but before you know it, Batista is up spearing Cena out of his shoes. This keeps both men down nearly for the full count, before Cena makes it to his feet, whereupon Batista spears his jolly ass again, just for kicks.

But John Cena rises again.

Like A Drunk Man.

Batista, in a fury, grabs a tool box and throws it all over the place before grabbing a table, setting it up in the corner, and then walking directly into an STF. He manages to escape, and in a feat of strength he tosses Cena across the ring directly into the table. That gets an 8 count. Cena is still alive. Batista tosses that motherfucker through the goddamn barricade. Cena gets up at 9. At this point, Batista absolutely loses his shit. He rips the top off of the announce table, and rips out the monitors and throws one at Michael Cole, making him my hero. Then he sets up the stairs next to the table. Bats…what are you doing over there? He tucks Cena’s head into his crotch, and goes for the powerbomb. But Cena knows an endgame when he sees one, and he reverses that shit into an Attitude Adjustment through the table off the stairs.

OOF.
Batista is DONE. He’s DONE. He’s….UP! Batista makes it up by 9, and now anything can happen as Cena screams at the ref, asking him how Batista possibly could have gotten up from that.

Batista answers with a spinebuster through a table, Cena gets back up. Batista hits Cena with the Batista Bomb, Cena makes it up at the last millisecond. And for the first time in this match, Bats starts to look unsure. Does he have what it takes to actually beat John Cena? Cena takes advantage of Batista’s moment of weakness by slapping the STF on his whack ass, and holds it on until Batista goes limp. Now it’s Batista’s turn to defy the odds and make it triumphantly back to his feat, and Cena’s turn to scowl in frustration. Then, the light bulb goes on over his head as he looks down at the toolbox.

Cena grabs Batista’s feet, and crotches him on the corner post. He then whips out a roll of DUCT TAPE and ties Batista’s motherfucking feet together! Cena enters the ring and the ref starts the count.

1….Batista struggles to grab the tape, but it’s out of his reach…
2…Batista struggles to use the corner post to break the tape…
3…the tape holds fast and Batista gets more frantic…
4…he makes another desperate lunge for his feet, trying in vain to find an edge to peel off…
5…he gives up on his feet and looks at John Cena standing in the ring before him…
6…Batista strains with all of his might to grab John Cena, to hurt him for this and everything before it…
7…John Cena kneels before him and with a wave of his hand, tells Batista “You Can’t See Me”…
8…John Cena breaks out in a grin as Batista redoubles his efforts to reach him…
9…Batista stares straight at Cena and mouths “I hate you”. Cena smiles back…
10. Time’s up for the Leviathan.

The Champ is still here.

This was a match in two parts for me. The beginning, with Cena outsmarting Batista and frustrating him worked perfectly with the ending, where neither man could put the other down, so he outsmarted Batista instead. The middle, though, dragged at many point for me, and seemed like a lot of spots without as much flow as I’d really like to hold this match together. Ultimately, though, the incredibly great ending, and the overall wonderful performances for both men (even though this was basically Selling 101: How Not To Do It) lead me to want to reward this match. If for nothing other than the finish alone, you should see this match. The rest won’t make you sad you watched either, but the finish is the show tonight.


 83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: Love him or hate him, at least Cena woke this crowd up.

He and Bats have a very frenetic match right out of the gate. As suits this type of gimmick, they use a lot of power moves and toss around chairs like they’re going out of style.

Bats starts and stays in control, putting Cena down for several 6 and 7 counts. This bores Striker, who decides to start talking about Cena’s shoes. He’s not wearing socks. That’s yucky.

Batista stays dominant through a Figure Four, before Cena starts to make his comeback. He can’t maintain any momentum, taking a barrage of weapon shots. Bats gets a table and sets it up in the corner, shoving John through it. He’s tossed out of the ring and Batista scares some poor child half to death. “Boo, I hate you Batista!”

“I HATE YOU TOO!”

Jesus, you can almost hear the kid piss himself. Meanwhile, Bats dumps out a toolbox that will be very important later, before destroying an innocent barricade with John Cena’s face. He sets up a very badass spot, dragging the stairs over next to the announce table. Of course that means that John counters and Batista goes through the table instead. He stays down for a 9 count, but it’s not quite enough.

Cena gets back in the ring with a table and while the ref spends several minutes pushing the wreckage of the last table about in circles, Batista tosses Cena through this one too.

I’m going to give the end big points for being clever. Like, actually smart, clever. Cena gets Batista on his stomach and goes to nut shot him on the ring post. While he’s down, Cena grabs the duct tape that Batista tossed out of the tool box and hog-ties his feet together. Batista can’t stand, so he can’t answer the count. Cena retains, Batista is embarrassed.

I enjoyed the match for it’s energy, but it does get a little tiring to see both guys no sell a dozen finishers, then have Batista tap in a Last Man Standing setting.

84 out of 100.

John Cena Over Batista Following A Clever Decision.

——————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: I really didn’t like this show.

The matches weren’t really bad, with two notable exceptions, but overall the show felt very much lackluster, and a crowd that was dead from the opening bell to the second John Cena came out didn’t much help. As for the monthly battle with TNA, this show actually beat that show by a meager 1.4 points. WWE may have had the better gimmick PPV, but letting it be that close is more of a comment on how bad this show was, than it is a compliment for TNA.
Everybody needs to step their game up, or it’s going to be a long summer.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 70.37 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh’s Martyrdom:

Ms. Cewsh: I think this would be a better show if it was viewed without context. Jericho/Edge will certainly benefit from it. I’m trying very hard to overlook the undercard, because it’s pretty obvious it was effected by the volcano and the lack of a Raw last week, but I really didn’t enjoy anything before Swagger/Orton and it hurt my outlook on the show.

Still, most of the wrestling was solid, none of the matches felt too gimmicky, and stories were told all around. It really was just average.

Ms. Cewsh Final Score: 65.25 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. The month of extremities is drawing to a close, and a new month is dawning that may very well prove to be free of wacky gimmick matches entirely (though I doubt it). We hope you enjoyed getting hardcore with us (stop giggling Ms. Cewsh), and we hoped you enjoyed it more than we did. As we look forward to next month, we’re looking forward to our Dream Super Card review, determined by you, the Cewsh Reviews Cattle Ranchers. We’ve gotten several submissions so far ranging from the outright torturous to the genuinely exciting, and we’re looking for all the submissions we can get out of you guys. Remember, all you have to do to participate is to PM me or Vice with ANY match you’d like to see us review. Anything. If we can find a copy of the match, we’ll review that bad boy. Simple and awesome. The way it’s meant to be.

So keep those submissions rolling in, and give Potato Head Prime the food he desperately craves, and until we see you next, keep reading and be good to one another!

The Top 10 Wrestling Moves Of All Time.

Admit it.  You missed us.

Welcome cats and kittens to the end of our vacation, and the first Sunday Supplement of the new wrestling year.  We got tans, kicked back, and got banned from more tropical countries than the Chupacabra, and now we’re back and ready for some action.  Well, I am at least.  You won’t see Vice back until we post our review of TNA’s Lockdown 2010 on Wednesday, and Ms. Cewsh doesn’t grace us with her presence until our review of WWE Extreme Rules the Wednesday after that, but hey, it’s a start.

Anyway, we’re here today to talk about wrestling moves.  Fucking rad wrestling moves.  Moves with flips, moves that hurt and moves that are so face blistering radtacular that even reading this supplement might give you a sunburn that will be embarrassing to explain to your coworkers.  Are you sure you’re ready to see the 10 greatest moves in wrestling history (or just my ten favorite)?  Well ready or not, grab some sunscreen, because off we go!

Number 10 – AJ Styles’ Pele Kick.

We kick off the list with an old favorite, AJ Styles’ famous Pele Kick.  This moves gets points not only for originality, but for the completely spontaneous nature of it.  AJ can, and will, hit his opponent with this bad boy at any time, from anywhere, and it happens so fast that they never have a chance of seeing it coming.

There are moves on this list that are great and meaningful, but i’ll be damned if there a better looking one in here.  Well, except maybe for…

 Number 9 – Jack Evans’ 630 Splash.

There are a lot of moves that got left off of this list for various reasons.  Maybe they were cool and innovative, but weren’t really very impressive and didn’t really mean anything.  Or maybe they were famous and credible, but just lacked a certain style.  So i’m absolutely certain that you are going to hate me by the end of the list regardless of what I put on here, so with that in mind, I decided to say fuck it, and include the single most ball rockingly insanely acrobatic move that I have ever seen performed.

Jack Evans, noted friend of the Hart family and noted Eminem fan, is a guy who is about 5 feet tall, who weighs about 8 pounds, and is probably the least threatening looking individual you could ever find across the ring from you.  But when he takes to the air, he is capable of things that would leave Olympic divers in awe.  Here, in his centerpiece of brilliance, the man performs 630 degrees of flipping off the top rope and hits it picture perfectly.  He ALWAYS hits it picture perfectly.  Other people have done great high flying moves, and other people have even attempted this, but when it comes to the flippies, here is your crown prince.

Of course he’s only the crown prince, because the title of “King” belongs to…

Number 8 – AJ Styles’ Fosbury Flop.

Yes, that was a running shooting star press over the top rope onto someone.  Try to imagine yourself trying that for a moment.  It’s alright, you can get up off the couch and try it on your Ultimate Warrior pillow, i’ll wait.

La di dah.

Have a broken neck yet?

This move is so balls out insane that AJ himself, a former gymnast and all around athletic motherfucker, only pulls it out on very, very special occasions, and when he does it is a BIG GODDAMN DEAL.  It’s like when the Undertaker leaps over the top rope, except that in this scenario instead of Taker’s feet almost hitting the ropes, it’s AJ Styles goddamn earlobe grazing the things on his upside down way to landing on your incredulous ass.

Of course flips aren’t everything, and frankly sometimes they get you nowhere.  And sometimes they get you somewhere much worse than nowhere.  Sometimes you might find your unlucky ass in…

Number 7 – Chris Jericho’s Lion Tamer.

Now it should be well documented by this point that I love Chris Jericho, and I especially love him from this period of his career.  When he was in WCW, after suffering for a long while in babyface purgatory, he finally got the chance to unleash his inner dickhead, and what resulted was great promos, better vignettes, some memorable matches, and all of it held together by the backbone of one of the single greatest submission finishing moves ever devised.

Not only is it pretty to look at, which is clearly is, but it is one of those moves that looks like you’d rather just not show up to work that day rather than risking having to endure it.  There have been a lot of Figure Fours and Sharpshooters over the year, but for my money, i’ll take Chris Jericho bending people in half any day.

So you’re a high flier, and you’ve managed to avoid having your shit countered into a Lion Tamer that would break your back and make you humble.  The coast is clear right?  Not so fast…

Number 6 – Abyss’ Black Hole Slam.

These days, people mostly know Abyss as possessing possibly the single most nonsensical character in wrestling history (the mental patient hardcore monster who is a Real American and fights for the rights of Every Man), but once upon a time there was an Abyss that wasn’t bursting with the power of a magical ring.  Back in those days Abyss was a silent monster who would fuck you the hell up with the slightest of provocations.  And his weapon of choice was a move that looked so vicious that it single handedly caused me to watch my first TNA show, just to see him do it to AJ Styles.

It’s fast, it’s mean, and he can, and will, do it to you anytime and anywhere and onto anything. It’s really a shame that they terminated his prior character in favor of his current, lame assed one.

Wait, did I say terminate?

Number 5 – Rob Van Dam’s Van Terminator.

I remember back in the late days of ECW when gifs weren’t something you saw everywhere.  I saw, via a chat room link somewhere or other, the gif of this move, and I was entranced.  The grace and the smoothness, mixed with the viciousness of the shotgun blast of a kick at the end amplified by the chair staggered me then and it staggers me now.  The fact that Shane McMahon and Naomichi Marufuji (as well as everyone else who has ever wrestled in an indy promotion) have coopted it for their own use only amplifies how great the original was, as nobody’s can ever match the sheer wonder and perfection of the original.

It’s the greatest example of the things the Rob Van Dam can do that nobody else should even try.  When RVD hits this move it is beyond over.  You’re just plain done regardless of who you are.

Speaking of which, that brings me to our next entry…  

Number 4 – Triple H’s Pedigree.

Is there any move more instantly definitive than the Pedigree?  Not only does it BELONG to Triple H more so than almost any other move in wrestling history (to the extent where I can only name 2 other people who ever used it for themselves in recent times, CM Punk and Jimmy Rave), but when he hits it, you are lights out.  What the Pedigree has going for it above most of the moves above it here is that it has the credibility of being used to definitively defeat the top names in the wrestling industry, and what it has going for it above moves like the Tombstone is that it’s so versatile.  When he needs to hit it out of nowhere, BOOM done.  When he needs to set it up and really let the fans see it coming, he hooks there arms and the whole audience knows what’s coming.  And unless you fuck it up, he’ll lay you down as safe and softly as a babe, making the love look like a 10 and hurt like a 1.

It’s really a move that any wrestler either would love to take, or probably has taken at some point.  But not every move makes people jump with joy at the idea of being part of.  Try in picture yourself on the wrong side of this…

Number 3 – Brock Lesnar’s Brock Lock.

Go back and watch that again.  
For fuck’s sake, Brock Lesnar picks you up by your leg, throws it behind his head, and then sits directly on the back of your head until you start crying like a baby and considering that career in accounting that your mother always wanted for you.  This is one of those moves that is amplified even further by the individual that is doing it as well.  If the Hurricane did this to Rey Mysterio, then alright, Rey can probably reverse it.  When it’s Brock Lesnar, a guy so rock solid that he’s at least half boulder and an amatuer wrestling record so immpressive that it intimidated an Olympic Gold Medalist, you know full well that if he gets you twisted up like a goddamn pretzel, you are not going anywhere
This move gets you all the time in the world to let you realize exactly how fucked you are.  Just be glad that after you tap out like the bitch that you are, the ref will eventually make him stop.
The dread of being in that move and having to anticipate the pain is bad.  But sometimes the move being over quickly isn’t any comfort when you wake up with a migraine the next morning.  Sometimes, you may be faced with…

Number 2 – Kenta Kobashi’s Burning Hammer.

This is my single favorite move of all time, because it has a true back story to it.

Back in the King’s Road days of All Japan Pro Wrestling, Kenta Kobashi was an up and coming bull of a youth who made his way to the main event and ran into a brick wall named Mitsuharu Misawa.  He tried to beat the man (a former ally) and tried and tried, and nothing he threw at Misawa could keep him down long enough to get Kobashi the title he so coveted.  Until one day, after racking his brain over and over to come up with a weapon to combat his greatest rival, he stumbled across the Burning Hammer.  He debuted it against Misawa in a title match, taking Misawa completely by surprise, and one massive awesomesaurus move later, Kobashi became the champion of the world, and never looked back.

To this day this is the move that wrecks fools whenever Kobashi needs to teach you a goddamn lesson in respect.  Others have used it, others have adapted it, but this move belongs to Senor Kobashi, and is one of the most amazing sights you will ever see.  When Kobashi lifts some poor bastard up, the entire audience comes up with him.

So yeah, the Burning Hammer is amazing.  So what could possibly be better than that?  There’s only one thing that could be.  The most copied, most versatile, most credible, and most fun to watch move in wrestling history.

Number 1 – Shawn Michaels’ Sweet Chin Music.

Boom goes the dynamite.
Alright kids, that’s the list for this week, and I hope that it’ll spur on some conversation about your favorite moves and their place in wrestling history.  This list was a collaborative effort by our whole team, so I hope you guys give it some real thought before sending me angry emails about all the moves I left out.  In the meantime, TNA Lockdown 2010 is on tonight, so we’ll catch you back here on Wednesday to put the official end to our beloved vacation, and to see how rusty we’ve managed to get after 2 weeks of brazen drunkeness on the high seas.  So until then, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another.

TNA Lockdown 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Lockdown 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to the wrestling review that, despite all it’s rage, continues to still be just rats in cages, Cewsh Reviews. We have a special treat for you tonight, and we begin part one of our two part April = Gimmick matches run here, first with tonight’s TNA Lockdown 2010 review, and next week with WWE’s Extreme Rules 2010 show, because according to Hobo Jim, who hoards bread crust in a bucket behind the grocery store, if anyone bleeds in a month other than April, they will be given a evil ham by the Devil. So, I guess that’s to be avoided then.

Anyway, this is TNA’s unofficial second biggest show of the year, and is generally the night when they shine the brightest. Every match on this show will be contested inside of a steel cage, in various ways, and, as such, this is TNA’s most violent, and most barbaric show every year, as Lockdown is where the biggest feuds get settled amidst the steel. D’Angelo Dinero gets his chance to ascend to the main event as he faces the World Champion, AJ Styles. Ken Anderson and Kurt Angle blow off the feud that has been setting TNA on fire for months now. Team Flair and Team Hogan get Lethally Locked Down to settle their grudges once and for all. This is a night of excitement and potential. Can TNA back it up? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: We start things off with a video showing how scared the wrestlers are of the cage, as the TNA production people attempt to convince us that cages are really super badass and dangerous. They actually accomplish this incredibly well right up until they start having the cage talk to people in the hokiest “Here’s a guy talking through a voice encoder” voice that I have ever heard, as it yells “FEAR ME”. Then the voice morphs into Ken Anderson saying it to Kurt Angle and we’re right back to drama and excitement, but man, whoever bought that voice box at the dollar store should get their money back.

Then we’re greeted to a huge crowd (for TNA) and a rad set, as TNA is out of the Impact Zone and live in St. Louis, Missouri. And just as I start to think this show is starting off amazing, the camera pans to Tenay and Tazz who relate to us two things.

1. Sean Waltman no showed, but it’s cool because it’s just Waltman being Waltman.

2. Doug Williams was trapped in Britain due to the volcanic ash grounding all flights, so they’re STRIPPING HIM OF THE X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP.

Now look. The fact that a champion scheduled to defend his title on a PPV that people have paid to see can’t make the show sucks, and puts TNA in a hard place, I certainly understand that. So continuing on in the show by allowing there to still be a title match is, I guess, a decent solution. But for Doug Williams, a guy who is in no way to blame for his inability to appear at the show to be stripped of the X Division title that he’s been absolutely amazing with recently, is really, really not good times. And to totally excuse Waltman for no showing for NO reason, even if they punish him in private, makes it look like Doug Williams is a fucking nobody by comparison.

The show has been on for 5 minutes, and I’m already pissed off. I hope to god something changes for the better.

Vice: Doug Williams gets stripped of his X-Division title because of the volcano crap going on in Iceland, and can’t make it to the show. While I can understand people having a fit over this, I surprisingly don’t. Sure it might look like Williams is being punished because he was too close to a natural disaster, but TNA is also a business. They don’t get many PPV buys, but that also means that they have to make sure that they please those select few, and deliver enough to make them purchase another one. So in this case, an X-division title match was promised, and even though I’m sure not a single person bought the PPV just to see it, TNA made sure to give them an X-division title match. What else were they going to do? They’re a business and the title is a prop.

Really, it all depends on how they stripped him of it, which is something we might not know for years if ever. If they said “sorry Dougman, we’re taking the title off you”, then it might be a bit crappy on TNA’s part (but again, they are a business). On the other hand, it’s very possible that they phoned up Skeeter’s best friend and discussed the situation with him, and Sir Williams was more than happy to relinquish his belt like the professional he is. So who knows.

Another thing is how they play this off. If Doug comes back and acts as if nothing happened, then this was all a bit silly. Now if Doug comes back and bitches about how he should get his title back because he shouldn’t be stripped of it due to the volcano, even going so far as to throw in the “you wouldn’t pull this crap with an American” power play, then it could make for a really good storyline. So, we’ll see how it plays out.

This could easily be TNA being dickheads, but it could also be a perfectly fine situation that turns into something great. So until more happens with this, proclaiming that TNA is the devil over this situation is premature hating.

Segment 2 – Rob Van Dam(n) vs. James (Has Pretty Hair) Storm.

Cewsh: Alright then, this is a much better way to kick things off.

Now these men are both in the Lethal Lockdown match later on tonight, and they’re wrestling here to decide who gets the Man Advantage in that match. The Man Advantage is, naturally, where two men start the match, and then whichever team has said Advantage gets to have their guy come out first, so that it’ll be a handicap match until things even out a few minutes later, and so on until everyone is in the ring. Yes, it’s complicated, I know. Just bear with me, I’ll try to explain it better when we get to the main event. For now, all you need to know is that these two are competing to get their team an advantage in the Lethal Lockdown Match, with RVD representing Team Hogan (faces) and James Storm representing Team Flair (heels).

Anyway, on to the match, which is blessedly simple. The match basically revolves around RVD kicking the shit out of James Storm, while James Storm gets up to various nefarious activities in an attempt to secure the win. RVD gets busted open before the match even begins, and totally no sells it.

“This Is Where I’m Bleeding. Right Here On My Face.”

He starts beating James Storm into a pulp for a good long while, before Storm turns the tables on Van Dam, by spitting the trademark beer into RVD’s eyes and spiking him with a DDT. Unfortunately for Storm, and Team Flair for that matter, RVD rolls a 20 and bounces right back up, knocking Storm down and flying through the air to crash down on Storm with the Five Star Frog Splash. Easily said, and easily done.

As opening matches go, this one was perfectly adequate. The guys were clearly saving something for the main event (though Van Damn got busted open and it didn’t look like a blade job), and that makes perfect sense. They did their job and got out of there, and while this match won’t leave any sort of lasting impression, it moved things along, which is good enough for now.

73 out of 100.

Vice: This was a surprisingly fun match and a great way to kick off the show. I’ve always liked Storm as a character, and he can have great matches with the right people, but for some reason I really didn’t see him and RVD clicking the way they did. This was by no means a spectacular match or anything, but it was just a good, fundamentally sound wrasslin’ match in a cage.

RVD gets busted open fairly early, which was a bit surprising. Like, 3 minutes into the first match and you’ve got someone who looks like they just got shot in the face with a PSG1 at point blank range. This made sense to a degree, though, because the cage has been hyped up to be a barbaric structure made by Satan himself, so you really need to show exactly how deadly the cage really is. And believe me, this actually is a merciless cage. With the support bars where they are, and how many of them there are, the fencing has almost zero give to it. See, most cages have a ton of give, which means that you can get thrown into it fairly hard and you’ll pretty much just bounce off it with very little harm done. This one, not so much. You hit the cage and it’s going to fucking hurt. Maybe it really was made by Satan. Or a masochistic idiot.

These two worked well together and I enjoyed it quite a bit. In a very surprising moment, RVD picks up the win here, which gives Team Hogan (the faces), the man advantage in the main event. War Games style matches are pretty much made to give the heels a massive advantage, so the faces having the advantage is very unique. To say the least, I’m intrigued here.

RVD Over James Storm Following The Five Star Frog Splash.
Segment 3 – Sulk Hogan.

Cewsh: Hulk Hogan is in the back conversing with Christy Hemme, and she asks him how his Team is doing, to which he essentially says, “Shitty.” They’ve been beaten up for weeks, and Jeff Hardy even got a fireball thrown at him that was so intense that it even messed up the footage of the show (wink wink). They’ve been getting their asses kicked, and Flair is off bragging to everyone about it, so Hogan declares that if his team gets beaten tonight, then he is done with TNA. Which is a great thing to say to inspire your team, and is just the sort of statement and stipulation that might SELL A FEW MORE PPVS IF HE HAD SAID THAT ON IMPACT.

But I digress. Christy then asks him if he knows what is up with the vanishing Eric Bichoff, and he has no idea. He seems verrrrrry suspicious, though. Verrrrry suspicious.

Segment 4 – Number Three Contendership For The TNA X Division Championship – Xscape Match – Homicide (Actually Gets A Match) vs. Brian (Boy, I’m Glad I Left WWE Now That TNA Is Making Me A Huge Star) Kendrick vs. Alex (Is My Buddy Here?) Shelley vs. Chris (Yay!) Sabin.

Vice: With Doug being stripped of the title, the winner here gets a shot at the belt tonight, joining Kazarian and Moore in their match for the vacant title. To me, this is a nice little bonus, and it gives these guys more incentive to win and keeps the wheels turning in the X division.

It’s kind of an odd cast of characters here, because Kendrick and Homicide both stand out as oddballs. Kendrick is small and wrestles an energetic style, but he’s not exactly an X-division kind of guy. He’s too smart, too grounded, and his style is too.. WWE, which isn’t a bad thing, but he does stand out a bit here. And Homicide just isn’t X-division at all. He wrestles like he’s 5 inches taller and 30 pounds heavier. Not once has he ever looked like he belongs in the X division. He was great with Hernandez, but on his own he just feels lost. And yeah, I’m going to say it, Homicide is and has always been an incredibly overrated wrestler. He’s good when working with the best, but against anyone who isn’t elite in a match that doesn’t involve chairs or forks, he’s really not that great. And just because to this day I am still pissed off at him for taking the ROH title off Danielson does NOT mean I am being biased here. Maybe a TINY bit, but I still think he’s more overrated than Half Baked.

Not long into this match, Kendrick gets cut wide open and starts bleeding quite a bit. I’m not actually positive if this was a blade job or the cage going into beast mode here. Kendrick takes a dropkick to the back and his head gets completely fucked into the edge of the cage door, face first. He continues wrestling for a minute or so, bleeding from very high up on the forehead, almost near the hairline. Then he realizes he’s bleeding, and I’m not sure if it’s just great “you screwed up my beautiful face, you jackass” character work or if he legitimately didn’t know he was split open until just then, but he had a great look on his face as he wiped his forehead and stared at the blood on his hand.


No, He Looks Like A Happy Camper. Really.

The match itself wasn’t great, but wasn’t horrible. In short, it was the stereotypical multi-man X division match you either love or hate. You have your typical X division spots, some tag team spots, and an unusual alliance between Kendrick and Homicide. An unusual alliance that ends when Homicide dicks Kendrick over, escapes the cage, and celebrates like a happy son of a bitch as Kendrick looks ready to kill. I loved it. I’d much prefer Kendrick getting the win here, but this worked out very well. Heels dicking over other heels is always fun.

Cewsh: Okay, now originally this was only scheduled to be a meaningless little X Division spotfest dealy for the fun of it. However with them stripping the belt off of Doug Williams and having had a triple threat X Division title match advertised, they decided that it would be for the best to have the winner of THIS match join Shannon Moore and Kaz in the title match, to keep it a triple threat. Which would be a pretty good idea if any of these guys was more than a jobber in TNA at this point, but hey. They’re tap dancing on quicksand here, and it’s as good of a fix as we’re going to get.

The match gets going, and as these sorts of matches always do, it quickly turns into The Motor City Machine Guns against everyone else. It would seem really unfair and mean of TNA to keep letting them have that advantage in these matches if they ever actually used it win anything. The match quickly turns into your usual X Division 100 mph movefest, with all of the guys trying to get in some fun spots, including a great one where Homicide puts Alex Shelley in the Camel Clutch and yells “Blllllllllat!” over and over as Brian Kendrick runs the ropes again and again to get up momentum…so that he can stop and slap Shelley in the face while he and Homicide burst out laughing. Great stuff there. Later on, Kendrick manages to get himself busted open, and does not look happy about it AT ALL. Almost as unhappy as he looks when Homicide double crosses him and scampers out of the cage, taking the time to mock Kendrick before falling to the floor and winning the match, gaining himself a title shot.

Homicide’s Real Name? Nelson. “HA HA.”

The match was fine for what it was, and historically I’ve been down on meaningless X Division matches I know, and this won’t be any different. It’s more fun to watch than a normal match that has no heat behind it and no story to tell, but only just.

67 out of 100.

Homicide Over Everyone Else Following His Xscape Xrom Xhe Xage.
Segment 5 – (Please Fire) Eric Young vs. Kevin (Ladykiller) Nash.

Cewsh: Eric Young does not belong here.

He’s like an elephant in a Port A Potty. Not only does he not fit in, but he just looks all wrong with the place he’s been put. Eric has had a long and complicated history with TNA, starting with Team Canada back in the day. He started as a solid tag team wrestler, working with Robert Roode to put on some great matches with America’s Most Wanted. That was good. Then he turned face and went into the whole “Don’t Fire Eric” phase, which was endearing and fantastic. But then something changed after that, and little by little, TNA started letting him pretend to be some kind of ultra serious badass. This was just fingernails on a chalk board as Super Eric and his various face work went on, until he turned heel and joined the World Elite, which was a glorious breath of fresh air…for 5 minutes.

Now he’s back as a face, and he’s in the ring with some of the biggest names in wrestling history, and every single ounce of my being knows that he doesn’t belong. His look isn’t good enough, his wrestling isn’t good enough, his mic work isn’t good enough, and he’s never proved himself capable of portraying a serious character. And yet here he is, having a blood feud with Kevin Nash, and we’re supposed to believe in him. It’s not working. Stop trying it.

The Wrestling Referee Looked More Impressive Than This.

The match is, blessedly, an incredibly one sided affair, with Kevin Nash beating Eric Young into a miserable pulp, before beating him clean with the Jackknife Powerbomb, much to the relief of me. The match was really kind of a formality, and was treated as such, with neither guy really doing much of note, and we find out why, as Nash grabs the mic and says that since Waltman no showed, he’ll be replacing him to be Scott Hall’s partner in the match against Team 3D later in the night. So instead of Team 3D against Hall and Waltman, we’re getting Team 3D against The Outsiders.

Fuck, that almost seems like a match people might pay to see. Shame they can’t.

60 out of 100.

Vice: Fire Eric Young already, for fuck sake. He was fun 6 years ago. He was entertaining 4 years ago. They’ve tried pretty much everything with him to keep his career going, and he just looks so out of his league these days. It’s a goddamned joke. I understand that he’s buddies with the right people and he’s a dedicated, passionate person, but come on. Give him a backstage job or something. Maybe use him in the Val Venis role, working dark matches/Explosion/whatever and making talent look as good as possible before they make it to the main roster. He’s half the worker that Val is/was, but it could still be good for the company.

I was happy to see Nash make very short work of Eric. Hopefully he fucks off for a while now.

 

Kevin Nash Over Eric Young Following The Jackknife Powerbomb.
Segment 6 – TNA Knockouts Championship – TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – The Beautiful People (Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky) © vs. The Less Beautiful People (Angelina Love © and Tara).

Cewsh: Alright, so listen. I’m doing all I can to not simply write “It sucked” and leave it at that, because the performers involved here deserve more credit and explanation than that. But I want you to know that, going in, that is exactly how I feel about this match, these feuds, and the state of the entire TNA Knockout Division. We clear? Let’s proceed.

The story here is that these ladies were involved in a match on Impact recently where they had to grab briefcases from the four poles around the ring (yes, Vince Russo made a pole match). When all was said and done, Velvet, Angelina, Tara, and Daffney had boxes. Velvet got the ability to face any opponent she wanted whenever she wanted to however she wanted to. Tara got her spider, Poison, back. Angelina got the TNA Knockouts Championship, and Daffney had to give a striptease (she didn’t, much to Vice’s immortal sorrow). Losing her belt obviously upset Tara, so she and Angelina argued over that for awhile before Velvet decided she wanted to have a tag match with all the titles on the line here at Lockdown. Well actually she booked her and Angelina in a match where Angelina’s hands were chained behind her back so that Velvet could spank her. But then she apparently got a do over and chose this instead.

So now we have a tag match where all the titles are on the line. How does that work exactly? Well, let’s go to the board.

Nice and simple. Oh, idiotic. That too.

Anyway, we get started in the match, and it becomes immediately obvious that two people are here to work their asses off. Those two people are Madison Rayne and Velvet Sky, and those two do their best to make something worthwhile, while Angelina Love and Tara do enough to get by.

But Hey, At least This Guy Wants To Form Voltron Triple H With Her.

Madison especially impressed me considerably with her effort here, which made me feel odd, because despite my respect for her abilities (which grows every day), I’ve still never been able to shake the feeling that she well and truly doesn’t belong as one of the Beautiful People.

Not because her looks are lacking, persay, but just because she doesn’t look right. She looks more like a pageant queen, where Angelina and Velvet look more like Hollywood bimbos (a compliment in this context). But regardless of that, she does a great job here, and Velvet provides the character work to keep things going, continuing to be just about the only woman in the company who has any idea of what a character is.

Anyway, they do their thing for awhile, before Lacey find her way into the ring to clobber Tara with her club, to allow Madison to pick up the win for her team and…

Wait. What did I just say? Let’s check those rules again.

Son of a bitch, of all the people in this match, Madison Rayne becomes the new TNA Knockouts Champion? You show me someone who predicted that, and I’ll show you the bridge I built in my pants to keep traffic steady during rush hour. To say that that is a surprise is an understatement, but the more I think about it, the more that I like it.

Can’t Be Worse Than ODB.

There hasn’t been a champion with both a character AND wrestling talent since Kong held the damn thing, and this could go a lot of different ways. She could feud with Velvet, Angelina, Tara…

Oh wait, about that. After the match ends, Angelina gets in Tara’s face about losing the match, and Tara proceeds to turn heel by fucking Angelina’s shit all up. So now Tara is a heel, and that leaves Angelina Love as the one and only high level face in the entire Division. I hope she’s up to it, because that’s a lot of pressure. Good luck with that.

(Cewsh Note: Since the airing of this show, Angelina has suffered a bicep injury that will have her out for months. Say hello to lots of ODB matches! Yippie!)

63 out of 100.

Vice: This match was bad. I expected it to be bad, so in a way it didn’t disappoint at all. Funny how that works. I don’t know how I feel about whatshername winning the belt, but she’s actually proving to be a fairly competent wrestler. Certainly more competent than Velvet.

I really liked the finish here though, with Tara taking the pin and losing Love’s title. Post-match, Tara snaps and beats the crap out of Angelina in a very odd moment. It could be interesting though, with Tara possibly going back to her crazy roots, being a loose cannon of a tweener. She can always say that she crapped on Angelina out of “defense”, claiming she was just beating her to the punch. Something like that. As much as I don’t actually care or have any real desire to see it, I’m mildly curious about where this is all going.

Madison Rayne over Everyone Else Following Shenanigans.

Segment 7 – Show And Tell At The Old Folk’s Home.

Cewsh: Flair is backstage with his entire assembled team, and boy is he fired up. He talks about how AJ will beat Dinero, how Team Flair will beat Team Hogan, and about how, when it comes right down to it, Friends really stopped being funny after the first season. He also counters Hogan’s statement that if Team Hogan loses then he’ll leave TNA, with a promise of his own to do the same if his team loses.

STAKES ARE HIGH FOLKS. Somebody’s grandpa will be unemployed tonight. Who can’t feel that?

Segment 8 – TNA X Division Championship – Homicide (Has TWO matches!) vs. Kaz(arian) vs. Shannon (A Little Boy Named Dilligaf) Moore.

Cewsh: Look, Dilligaf (The Artist Formerly Known As Shannon Moore) has gotten a ton of shit over his entire career, and nobody has been more quick to be on that particular bandwagon than yours truly. When he was just Shannon Moore from Carolina, he looked like a little girl, and had zero charisma, so he decided to change his persona to give himself a better chance, and rather than doing something meaningful or relevant, the motherfucker swathed himself in everything he could get his hands on in Hot Topic and became “The Prince of Punk”. Unfortunately for him, he comes off (true or not) like the most enormous poser in the entire world, and the words “I’M TRYING TOO HARD” really ought to be the next tattoo he gets on his face.

Your Future X Division Champion, Now Sponsored By Hot Topic.

BUT, I’m actually going to say positive things about the man right now. He is, by no stretch, what is wrong with this wrestling match. Watching it, all I could think about was how he is absolutely fine as an in ring performer, and even if he isn’t very good, he still has what it takes to deserve a spot. If he hadn’t gone insane with this “punk” nonsense, I may have even managed to like him one day. But right now, this is the highest praise he is likely to get from me or anyone else.

When it comes to the match, there’s really nothing to tell you. The guys do some spots that are nice, as Kaz and Moore team up against Homicide just like they’d planned to do to Williams, and Homicide fought back with some good stuff, including a top rope Double Ace Crusher. But ultimately this match didn’t have what it took to shake the fact that the real champion wasn’t in it. Homicide didn’t belong, and if you didn’t see a Kaz win coming at the end, then I’m not sure you’ve ever watched wrestling before. Kaz did his normal stuff, before winning with the Air Raid Siren, which looked downright nasty as he spiked Homicide right down on his bald dome to end this cursed match once and for all.

69 out of 100.

Vice: You know how I said the other X division match was a typical X division match? Yeah. Same deal here. Kazarian picks up the vacant title. A few years ago, Kazarian was hot shit and I’d have loved this match a lot more and he’d be a lovely champion. Now I’m actually sad because he’s such a downgrade from Doug Williams. And yes, you read that right.

Kazarian Over Everyone Else Following The Air Raid Siren.
Segment 9 – Oh God, D’Angelo Dinero Is Talking. Somebody Get A Thesaurus.

Cewsh: He says that AJ Styles is a guy who, if he were at a restaurant, someone would say to him “Boy, bring me drink”, at which point some mysterious individual handed the Pope a bottle of water from off screen.

Thank You Mysterious Servant Hand.

I have no idea what to make of this, but I tried it at home, and nobody handed me anything, so I’m going to have to write it off as a fluke.

Segment 10 – Team 3D(ozen Buckets Of Chicken Eaten Since This Morning) vs. The Outsiders (Minus The Little One).

Vice: So, Sean Waltman didn’t show up to this event, so clearly it’s not going to be Hall and Waltman taking on Team 3D. Instead of Waltman, we get Kevin Nash. Yes, by Waltman not being here, we have a much bigger match on our hands. And not just because Kevin Nash is large and Waltman is small. While Nash and Hall are way beyond their prime, and I’m not sure if the Dudleys even had a prime, this is a pretty huge match when you think about it. This is, as far as I know, the first time the Outsiders have gone up against the Dudleys. Two of the biggest tag teams in American wrestling are now going head to head in what is going to be an ugly match, but hell, who still doesn’t want to see Austin vs. Hogan, if only for the spectacle? Austin vs. Goldberg? Sting vs. Undertaker?

It must be said that Team 3D is ridiculously over, and the crowd makes this match really fun. If it was a crappy Orlando crowd, this match would have been garbage, but these fans were just going NUT. It was great. If only TNA could have a crowd like this every show. The match was well structured and kept at a relatively short 7 minutes due to the physical limitations of, well, everyone. Plus they turned it into a street fight which, again, helped everybody here.

Was it a great match? No. Was it entertaining and fun? Yes. Very much so.

Cewsh Notes:

1. Team 3D are WILDLY over in St. Louis.
2. Bubba Ray is a great promo.
3. Scott Hall is in bizarrely good shape.
4. This match was ok.

68 out of 100.

Team 3D Over The Outsiders Following The 3D.
Segment 11 – Mr. (Awesome…..Awesome) Anderson vs. Kurt (Legend) Angle.

(Cewsh Note: WARNING – LONG REVIEW AHEAD.)

Vice: I’m not going to write a few hundred words before saying this: this is my match of the year so far. Hands down. The only match that has come anywhere close to this one is Undertaker/Shawn II at Wrestlemania, and yeah, I’m going to say it—this match craps on that one in terms of story, workrate, awesomeness, all of that. Sure Undertaker/Shawn was the bigger match with two bona fide wrestling legends on the grandest stage of them all, leading to Michaels’ career ending, but if you read what I wrote about it in my review, I thought it was more or less a finisher-fest that started in 4th gear. This, though, this was something else.

It’s not flawless, but it was absolutely spectacular and one of the very best matches I’ve seen in years. If I had to hand out stars, I’d be extremely tempted to give it all five of them. If not five, then 4.999999. Seriously, it was that good. And coming from a person that absolutely despised Mr. Kenndy in WWE, to nearly vomiting when TNA signed his dumb ass and brought him in as a “huge name that will forever change the company”, it shows how brilliantly far he’s come into his own in TNA working with Kurt Angle. A hell of a lot of the credit goes to Angle, obviously, but Anderson has stepped up his game and has become one of the best heels in all of wrestling right now.

This was one of those matches that actually did seem a bit unnecessary leading up to it. I mean, the feud was practically blown off already when the US military dog piled Kennedy and tore him a new one, and the feud kinda just kept going. They had the “blow off” match that Angle won, and the feud still continued. I made the claim that it was good character work for Kennedy because it was realistic—if you hate someone and want to prove a point, the best way to do it is to keep at it no matter how badly you get destroyed. Kennedy just wouldn’t let go of it. But as it kept going, you have to wonder just how it could possible end after what’s already gone on. Make no mistake about it, it climaxed like no feud has in quite some time.

The culmination was amazing. These two fucks completely went balls to the wall in one of the most intense battles in ages. I generally hate most cage matches because of that fucking door. Why in god’s name would you EVER even attempt to CLIMB OUT OF THE CAGE when you can just casually walk out the door? It just makes no sense to me, and it always ruins the match for me. See, someone will punch the other person and then make a bolt for the door and come within inches of winning. But when they nail them with their finisher and have a good two minutes to stroll out the door, they decide to spend 3 minutes climbing the cage. Why? Do they just forget about the door? Yeah, it’s lead to some cool finishes like Austin Aries suicide diving out to the floor for a clutch win, but the match as a whole suffers, logic-wise, because of it. Thankfully in this match, the ONLY way to win the match was by escaping through the door, which was locked, and Anderson had won the key to it in a ladder match on Impact, which gave him a fairly big advantage.

I’d say that these two both brought their A games, but even then that’s kind of underrating their performances. If you play video games, you know that if you get ranked at the end of a stage or the game itself, there’s a rating of S that is even greater than A. You only get that S ranking by being almost perfect in every way. These guys both brought their S games.

Angle has always been a great performer, even if his psychology and “work rate” has been called into question numerous times over the years. Sometimes with good reason, a lot of the time.. not so much. This might have been his very best performance when it came to telling a story, putting on an amazing performance and wrestling match, and solidifying Anderson’s stardom in TNA. He was a crazy fuck at times, sure, but he had a reason for doing everything. And I think I say this every time, but this was Anderson’s best match to date. That is not my opinion. That is a fact, and I dare you to try and convince me otherwise.

These two came out swinging, beating the crap out of each other, spiking the other to the canvas as hard as possible, and both men simply refused to die. What’s great about this match is that while Kurt Angle had opportunities to win, that was not his number one goal. His number one goal was to obliterate Anderson. And boy did he stick to that game plan. I’ve said it a number of times over the years—I loathe it when you have two people in the ring who hate each other, and one person tries to win it with a fucking roll-up. To me, that is utter bullshit. If two people hate each other, they should want to kill the other one before going for the pinfall. Kurt could have won the match very early on, but instead of leaving the cage when he had the opportunity, he said screw it. He shut the door and locked it back up. To throw Anderson’s mental game off, Kurt pretended to throw the key outside of the cage (later we find out that Angle had actually palmed it and hid it in his tights). Anderson went crazy, realizing exactly what he had gotten himself into. In a great moment, he actually ran to the door and tried ripping the lock off with his hands.

Did I Become A Superhero In The Past 5 Minutes?

Obviously it was destined to fail, but it showed his desperation. What IF Kurt had fumbled the ball and didn’t lock it back up properly? What IF the chain was somehow damaged? What IF he had super human powers!?

Kurt took a nasty hit into the cage early on and started bleeding quite a bit. And Angle, like Daniels, always has really great blood. Maybe it’s because they’re baldies. I dunno, but he looks amazing covered in blood. Anderson heels it up and makes fun of the bleeding Angle, followed up by smearing his blood all over his chest and belly. When you think about it, it’s kind of gross, but it’s so awesome at the same time. Anderson started bleeding later on in the match, and it actually looked like he was opened up the hard way, because he was bleeding from the top of his head. The blood added a lot to this match. Other matches had unnecessary blood, but here it was absolutely essential. I just couldn’t imagine this match being so emotional if it didn’t have two bloody fuckers beating each other to a pulp.

Both men pulled out all the stops, though it was Angle who was dishing out most of the high impact moves. Kurt hits his trademark three German suplexes, but hangs on and decides to go for another three. At one point, Anderson is standing on the ropes, and Angle meets him up there, and grabs him from behind. It’s the famous spot where Kurt tries to suplex the person, but they hang on and it just looks like Kurt is trying to reenact Heidenreich raping Michael Cole. Not this time though, because Kurt just flings Kennedy across the length of the ring with so much force that Kennedy actually ends up flipping around and taking a horribly nasty bump. It was scary to watch, because Kennedy proved to be fairly injury prone in his stay in WWE, so I was thinking that he might have gotten hurt from that, but thankfully he didn’t. Wanting to put the nail in the coffin, Angle does a moonsault OFF THE CAGE and crashes right into Anderson’s HEAD. I’m fairly sure this was a boo-boo, but if Michaels hitting Undertaker’s legs with a moonsault (which I still think was inadvertent) is considered amazing psychology, then Angle crashing down on Anderson’s skull and killing him was also amazing psychology.

Geronimo!

Kurt stumbles to the cage door, and just as he’s about to leave, Anderson gets to his knees and screams at him with both of his middle fingers up.

It was a fantastic visual, and I am going to say this right now: it was Anderson’s Austin moment. When Austin was in the sharpshooter at Wrestlemania 13, in agony with blood dripping down his face, you immediately think “this guy is a star”. While Anderson was obviously in a very different situation than Austin, that visual cemented him as a top guy in the company. If he keeps this momentum going and keeps putting on amazing matches, I think people will look back at the middle fingers as one of the defining moments of his career. There have been hundreds of middle fingers thrown about over the decades by numerous people, but these middle fingers were intense and full of hatred. It was so believable.

When Kurt sees this act of utter defiance after the hell and brutality he’s put the son of a bitch through, he immediately gets right back in the cage. This isn’t a case of “ooga booga me Kurt Angle face! me stupid because a brain I have none!” like most face actions. This was Kurt realizing that if Anderson is still breathing, he hasn’t finished what he set out to do.

To me, that is fucking awesome. Kurt storms back in and Anderson immediately heels it up by giving Kurt one of the stiffest uppercuts I’ve ever seen to the balls and then mic checks him into oblivion. Anderson tries to escape, but Kurt is now the Terminator. He pulls Anderson back into the ring by the ankle and proceeds to try and turn it into a souvenir to take home with him. Anderson flips out of it and sends Kurt flying into the cage like a 100mph fastball, causing Kurt to more or less break his face on the cage. Now this is when it gets even more amazing.

If you’ve seen their feud at all, you’d know about Kurt Angle’s warrior medal. Anderson spit on it and sliced Kurt open with it multiple times. Kurt cut a phenomenal heartfelt promo about it, saying how he fucked up his marriage, lost his kids, was in a horrible stage in his life, and the US military gave it to him for being an incredible person. It was a promo that I watched a number of times. In a way, this feud is based around this medal. Anderson used it to choke Kurt out in the ladder match, leading to his victory. Earlier in this match he used a different chain to try and choke Kurt out, but he fought through it. As Anderson is slowly sliding out of the cage, Kurt pulls the medal out of his trunks, and proceeds to choke Anderson out. The fans give off an amazing “CHOKE HIM OUT!” chant as Anderson starts fading. After struggling to get out of it, Anderson finally passes out, just inches to victory. Kurt spits in his face, walks over top him through the ropes, and gives him a forceful kick right to his balls before stepping onto the floor and winning the match. Kurt had finally gotten his vengeance in an incredible moment.

With Anderson still dead and laying in the ropes, Kurt grabs a mic and cuts another very heartfelt promo, thanking all of his fans and his supporters, and announcing that he is going to take time off to recoup. The feud is definitely over for now and in a great moment. For a feud that seemed to end before it really began, leaving many people scratching their heads at what the hell TNA was doing, this blow off was not only incredible, but it was perfect. They put on an awe inspiring match that is not only one of TNA’s best matches, and very likely THE best match in company’s history, but one of the absolute best, most complete matches in all of wrestling in recent years.

As I said earlier, this is my match of the year so far without a doubt. It’s still fairly early into the year, but this one will be incredibly hard to top. It was that. fucking. good.

Cewsh: How in the fuck could we have been so wrong about Ken Anderson?

When Ken Anderson was Ken Kennedy in the WWE, Vice and I delighted in mocking him. We mocked him for repeating his name, we mocked him for his boring wrestling, we mocked him for how he was always getting injured, and for how everyone on the internet seemed to think he was this great future star, when he seemed like a total scrub to us. When he got released from WWE, we mocked him for having fucked up and finally got fired, and for being such a crybaby about it, and when TNA signed him, we mocked them for wasting their time and money.

Now, 4 months later, with the smoke definitively cleared on the Kurt Angle/Ken Anderson feud, I must entirely, and unabashedly admit that I, WE, were wrong. Completely and utterly wrong.

In the short time he’s been in TNA, Anderson has proved himself to be no less than the best heel working in wrestling to my knowledge right now. He is hateful, spiteful, arrogant, and self absorbed. He is cowardly, brazen, vicious and opportunistic. He has combined everything that has made a great heel throughout all of wrestling history into an utterly dynamic package that he has unleashed on all of us, and this match, the climax to his feud with the best wrestler in the world, is nothing short of a virtuoso performance from the man. He begs off, he fights dirty, he cheats, he takes shortcuts, he hurts Angle in every way he can think of, and finally, when he’s exhausted every other option and has nothing left, he sits back on his heels and gives the double middle fingers to Kurt in the ultimate act of defiance, just like Vince McMahon did to Steve Austin so many years ago. And then when Kurt comes back he gets a low blow for his trouble.

If Anderson was the perfect heel here, then Kurt Angle was an exceptional face to match him. Angle showed more fire than I’ve seen from him in years, and honestly made me believe with his face and his body language, that he wanted Anderson dead, and wouldn’t be happy until he got it. He pulled a top quality babyface from somewhere I didn’t even know he had, and played the perfect foil to Ken Anderson, and the resulting clash is an intense, emotional fight with one of the most satisfying endings to a match and a feud that I have ever seen. If this match happened in any other year, this would be the match of the year without question. Aside from some very, very small qualms I had, this match was as close to perfect as most anybody ever gets, and it is the very best match in TNA history by a wide margin.

After the match Kurt Angle told the fans he was leaving for a little while to catch a breather and refresh his batteries, and that when he comes back he’s coming after the champion. Rest up, Kurt. Because whatever black magic sorcery you’ve been working over the past year is the best thing in wrestling today, and tonight, you helped to make Ken Anderson the biggest star in TNA.

Legend.

Tonight was supposed to be the night D’Angelo Dinero rose to the main event. But Ken Anderson stole it from him.

This will be remembered as the night Ken Anderson arrived.

97 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.


Kurt Angle Over Ken Anderson Following His Escape From The Cage.
Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – AJ (All Jiggly) Styles © vs. D’Angelo (Was A Good R&B Singer) Dinero.

Cewsh: This is the match that I’ve been waiting for ever since they made a star out of D’Angelo Dinero back in February.

Originally, you might recall that Dinero earned this title shot by winning the Eight Card Stud tournament that culminated in his victory over Ken Anderson at Against All Odds. After that he and AJ had some bickering back and forth, while AJ moved on to deal with Abyss, and Dinero spent his time fighting with Desmond Wolfe, and the whole time, all anyone could think about was how THIS was the match that we wanted. The young up and comer, Dinero, who is riding a wave of momentum and charisma to the heights of TNA, and the trueborn heart of TNA, AJ Styles, who has been reborn as the Nature Boy of the New Millennium. These two were going to clash, and it was only a matter of time before we got them here in the cage, to see who is the better man.

We get all the pomp and circumstance involved in a major title match, with Borash doing the intros and the presentation of the title belt, all of which is a little more meaningful after Earl Hebner refuses to allow Ric Flair at ringside, granting us a match that may actually contain no interference (my god). We start the match, and immediately AJ takes control, outwrestling Dinero while making it clear that he has no respect for his challenger, mocking Dinero at every turn. Dinero doesn’t stand for this for very long, however, as he springs back up and takes the fight straight to AJ, and knocking him all over the ring, building the momentum he needs to become a World Champion tonight. AJ has been learning from the best, however, so things aren’t going to be nearly that easy, and he takes a running Dinero and bounces him right off the cage, hurting Dinero’s shoulder.

From that point on, Dinero has a target painted on him, and Styles stays on him, trying to wear down his passionate and exciting challenger, keeping him on the ground, and working over the shoulder he damaged, and the legs of his agile foe. The Pope simply will not give up, though, as he snaps back again and again from AJ’s attempts to put him down for good, flying around with shoulders blocks and flying headbutts, forcing AJ to resort to more dramatic offense to try to put him out. Top rope elbow smashes, springboard 450 splashes, and Pele kicks can’t get it done, and as Dinero proves himself unwilling to give in, Styles visibly starts to get flustered, trying to figure out what he needs to do to finish Dinero once and for all. Finally Styles can’t take any more and decided to go for the home run, a goddamn crossbody off of the goddamn top of the cage.

I’ve Got A Bad Feeling About This.

It doesn’t work out.

That Would Be AJ BOUNCING.

Dinero rolls him up right off of the miss, and the crowd blows up, ready to crown a new champion, but NO, Styles finds it somewhere within himself to kick out of it, leaving both men lying on the ground in a stupor. When Styles finally reaches his feet he says “Fuck this FAIR bullshit” and walks over to one of the camera men filming the match through a mesh hole in the corner, and steals a pen out the guy’s pocket, which he immediately stabs Dinero right in the motherfucking eye with. Then BOOM, Styles Clash. 1…2…3. AJ Styles retains his title, and steals D’Angelo Dinero’s moment.

This match was good, not great. It suffered very, very heavily from having to follow the best match in TNA history, and it was long into the match before anybody really seemed to get into it. Styles did a fine job here as a heel, and Dinero did his best firey babyface, but ultimately the anti climactic finish, and the way both men were completely schooled in every way by Angle and Anderson left this match feeling a bit flat.

You should still see it, because it’s a fun watch. But it might actually benefit from being seen out of context, where it doesn’t have so much to live up to.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: The only problem with having such a phenomenal match like Anderson/Angle, is that it’s pretty much impossible to follow. Many will make a valiant effort, but it’s like trying to climb a mountain while wearing a straight jacket. Shit, I don’t even think a naked Daffers could properly follow a match like that.

However, these two went out there and put on the second best match of the night, which was to be expected. It was actually a very good match, but it took me about 10 minutes to shake off Angle/Anderson and actually really get into this one. Pope is not ready for the title, so I’m glad he didn’t take it from AJ here. He’s one of those rising stars and if you push him too quickly, it might backfire or expose him or whatever. He’s a guy that needs to come close to the title for a year or two, but never quiiiiiite get there. When he finally gets it, it can be a big moment. Personally I’d be really happy to see him go back to feuding with Desmond Wolfe, because those two always put on good matches, and they can elevate each other by working together, similar to Rock and Triple H back in the attitude era. Speaking of Wolfe, and this is random.. I really love his name. At first it was a bit silly and a lot of people ridiculed it, but he’s totally grown into it. Desmond Wolfe is a great name. When I think back to when he was wandering around as Nigel McGuinness, I kind of giggle at how silly of a name that is. At least his last name. Nigel is still a pretty fitting name for him.

Anyway, this match was really fun. Pope looked great and AJ turned in a typical good performance. I like how he hasn’t completely toned down his high flying offense, and he still has that aura of credibility despite being a cheating son of a bitch now. I’ve never liked it when high flying folk turn heel and suddenly have 7 tons of gravity stored in their boots for fear of them getting some cheers. Or have to completely rely on silly antics and interference. With Styles, he can still bring it like he always has, but instead of turning it up 130% and digging deep to pull out a win, he cheats because it is easier and more efficient. Shit, I should cheer him for being smart.

The highlight of this match was Styles not being able to pin Dinero, so he looks to the turnbuckle. Then he raises an eyebrow and looks to the top of the cage, and while he is subtle about all of this, you can clearly tell that a light bulb just lit up in his head. He gets to the top of the cage as Dinero is slowly standing up, and goes for a gigantic cross-body that he has actually hit a few times off a cage before. But this time his opponent steps out of the way, and Styles takes a 15 foot plunge straight into the canvas. AJ is Super Man and all, but damn that looked painful.

I’m not entirely sure how I feel about the ending. Styles is looking for an easy way out and you see him lunge halfway out of one of the square cut outs in the cage so that the cameras can get clear shots, and he actually swipes a pen from the camera man’s pocket. He palms it and waits for Dinero to come over, and Styles immediately bonks him right in the eyeball with it. He follows it up with a stiff discus lariat and a Styles Clash for the victory. Part of me absolutely loved this because it shows just how crafty Styles can be. I mean seriously, who thinks to steal a pen from an unsuspecting CAMERA MAN and use it to get a win? A PEN. From a CAMERA MAN. While in a CAGE. It’s just so awesome and clever. On the other hand, it seemed very out of character for Styles. Yes he’s a cheater and he’s no stranger to using weapons to hurt people, but there’s just something about stabbing someone in the eye that crosses the line a bit. So I definitely have mixed feelings about the finish. Obviously I’d have preferred a clean finish with Dinero still looking strong. But hey, Styles cheats, and this was a very clever way of cheating.

Overall it was a very good, fun match that most likely would have excelled more if it didn’t have to follow Anderson/Angle. I plan on watching it again in a few days/weeks on its own to see how it holds up as a match, but as part of a show it got a bit lost in the shuffle.


AJ Styles Over D’Angelo Dinero Following Shenanigans.


Segment 13 – Lethal Lockdown – Team Hogan (Abyss, Jeff Jarrett, Rob Van Dam, Jeff Hardy) vs. Team Flair (Sting, Desmond Wolfe, Robert Roode, James Storm.)

Cewsh: Alright, here we are in the main event with the Lethal Lockdown match, pitting Team Flair again Team Hogan to see which team is superior. What is a Lethal Lockdown match, you ask? Well let’s let them explain it.

So essentially it’s like the classic Wargames match from WCW, only there’s just one ring, and there are going to be weapons once everyone has entered. Make sense? Sort of? Maybe? Let’s proceed anyway.

Abyss and Roode start us off.

Rob Van Dam Has Entered The Match.
Desmond Wolfe Has Entered The Match.

Jeff Jarrett Has Entered The Match.

James Storm has Entered The Match.

Jeff Hardy Has Entered The Match.

Sting Has Entered The Match.

 
You may have noticed that I just listed all the entrances into the match without saying anything about it. That is because I could find nothing to say but hate filled ranting. I am not kidding you when I say that this is the worst main event to a pay per view that I have seen in a number of years. What made me hate it so much? Let’s make a list.

1. Lethal Lockdown matches are enormous clusterfucks. You can never tell what is going on, and once everyone gets into the match it becomes a mess of bodies and weapons. Just impossible to follow, and all semblance of actually being a wrestling match disappears.

2. Some motherfucker always thinks it’s a fantastic idea to do some ridiculous spot on top of the cage. Usually it’s AJ, who tries his best to make it safe. This year it is Jeff Hardy, who damn near kills himself on live PPV jumping off of a ladder on top of the cage. Fucking stupid, stupid dangerous bullshit.

This Terrible Idea Is Brought To You By The Letter J.

3. This match didn’t matter. It spent 20 minutes going on, only to have Hogan, Bischoff and Flair spend the last 5 minutes taking the spotlight and putting on some melodramatic opera about Bichoff’s FAKE BETRAYAL of Hulk Hogan, before he gives Hogan a set of brass knuckles and helps Hogan beat up Flair. Somewhere in there Abyss wins the match, but nobody notices.

Wrestling Smestling. OLD MEN ARE TALKING.

4. This was the main event. Overtop of two matches that actually meant something and were heated, THIS is what got main event play. The show went off the air with the crowd sitting on their hands, not knowing what to make of the mess in the ring.

5. They expected people to pay to see this.

6. They expect people to pay to see more.

I can’t stress enough how much of a fucking disaster this match was. It nearly single handedly erased for me all the positive steps that the Hogan/Bichoff regime have wrought. This was a 2000 WCW main event. I can’t be more clear than that. This match was fucking terrible.

45 out of 100.

Vice: Oh baby, it’s main event time. With the faces having the man advantage (manvantage?), the match is going to play out very differently from most matches of this nature. The first man out is Abyss, and naturally the announcer says that Abyss is on Team Flair, which is all sorts of fail on his behalf. Oh well. People make mistakes.

Blahblahblah, people wrestle, people come out, people brawl, blahblahblah, you all know how this works. I’m going to be blunt here and say that this was just a very messy, messy match. And to think that they used to have this same type of match on the previous Lockdowns with it being 5 on 5 and in the smaller, six-sided ring. How they pulled that off is baffling, because this match was like sardines trying to squeeze their way out of a can. There have been a lot of War Games style cage matches over the years that have been really good, but this one was completely average up until the end. And when I say that, I don’t mean that towards the end it got really good. That’s just when insanity reared its ugly (or possibly beautiful…) head.

Flair and Hogan end up coming out and their feud ends up overshadowing not only the entire match, but pretty much the entire show, and it’s apparent that no matter what goes on and who is fighting who, the company is basically just about Hogan and Flair’s feud. And you know what? I can’t even remember why these guys are feuding at this point. Old age contest? Who is crazier? Who is more washed up? Who’s boobs are more saggy? Who has more of an unnatural skin color? I get that Hogan is important to TNA. I get that Flair in TNA is a big thing, and he’s been great as crazy old man Flair. But they’re just overshadowing the actual wrestlers here. Just like last month where a 15 minute match became completely irrelevant because of shenanigans. Ridiculously entertaining shenanigans, but still shenanigans.

This time around, a 30 minute match was made irrelevant. The Hogan/Flair/Bischoff stuff was really fun, and it was great seeing Old Man Flair getting knocked around like an idiot and Flair-flopping himself onto the tacks and stuff, so the wrestling fan in me was actually have a blast. Just like last month. If you can get caught up in the fun, there’s a good time to be had because it’s just complete madness. Business-wise, it’s completely retarded and is shades of WCW at its worst, but it’s just so ridiculously entertaining, even if it’s inadvertent.

Team Hogan Over Team Flair Followed By A Gazillion Shenanigans.
———————————
Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Make no mistake about it, this is a two match show.

On one hand you have the single best thing that TNA has ever put in the ring. A match that would do WWE or any other company proud, that showed the absolute heights that TNA is capable of reaching. Then you have a World Championship match between two exciting and beloved young talents who were allowed to go for it without any interference. On the other hand, everything else on this show was either a mess of emergency booking, or was simply painfully mediocre. If TNA can’t find a balance to this at any point, then I don’t know how many more chances they’re going to get.

TNA has still not learned how to put on a PPV worthy of the purchase price. When they do, I’ll be the first to give them my money. IF they do.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 69.33 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this show was hit or miss. There were a lot of average matches, a match that was worth the cost of the PPV (and then some, possible) by itself, an entertaining title match, and a clusterfuck main event. So overall I’d say this was a bit of a letdown in the end, but any PPV that has a match like Angle vs. Anderson on it is getting a respectable score.

Vice’s Final Score: 78 out of 100.

Vice’s Awards:











Alright, that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed being trapped inside a cage with us for the night, and we promise next time we’ll bathe beforehand. Next week we’re keep the hardcore theme going with WWE’s Extreme Rules 2010, and Ms. Cewsh is going to be in the house rocking faces apart like only she can. What will WWE’s last PPV before the Draft reveal about the future? We’re as excited as you are, and oh yes, you’re excited. Until then, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another.