Welcome Cewsh Reviewiphiles, to the one and only Cewsh Reviews Wrestlemania Preview Spectacular!
Well here we all are at last, on the very doorstep of the Showcase of the Immortals, WWE Wrestlemania XXVI. It’s been a long fun road to get here to the culmination of both the wrestling industry’s year and ours as well, and like any good final boss battle, this bad boy is going to require the proper amount of preparation and consideration. There will be plenty of that here as I run down all of the matches for you, taking a look at who has momentum, who is due for a great match, and who has the best hair, (not Sheamus.)
But if that was all we were here for, we’d be rotten party hosts, so we’re also all going to be predicting the winners of each match in our own ways. I’ll be using a fancy computer simulation to predict the winner, Ms. Cewsh will be utilizing our unsuspecting cat to divine the future, and Vice watched a lot of porn. Apparently these random and assorted methods are meant to determine how the show will shake out. How will porn and cats (hopefully not used together) divine the future?
Err…I better let them explain.
Vice: So with Wrestlemania coming up, obviously predictions will be in order. Because I get very bored just predicting stuff, and for some reason I’m usually wrong, I decided to spice things up this year. I thought to myself “….can porn predict wrestling?”
That will add necessary spice to things and will answer a question I’ve always wondered. And if by always I mean the last 8 seconds, then yes. Shit is about to be on like AWESOME KONG. You know it. So the basic way of determining a winner is by their breasts. Because I am a guy and love them, of course. Real breasts mean a face victory, because real ones, even if tiny, will always triumph over fake ones. Fake ones are obviously the heels because they’re fucking awful and thousands and thousands of girls ruin amazing boobs to get disgusting fake ones. To determine the finish, I am going to go with which hole the penis was in prior to the cumshot finale. Vagina is pinfall. Anal is submission. If there is no cumshot, it is a no contest. If I cannot survive until the cumshot for whatever reason, then it is a disqualification.
For this process, I’m going to different websites, doing different searches, and picking videos at random. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into.
And off we go!
Ms. Cewsh: There are a lot of ways to make predictions on a game or match. Some are logical, applying stats and records. Some are superstitious, using complicated fanboy-isms like what color shirt your best friend is wearing and whether or not they’ve showered. My favorite has always been the “can our mascot beat up your mascot” method.
Unfortunately, when Cewsh asked me to predict the winners of Mania, applying that formula to wrestling didn’t work out so well. So I fell back on my second favorite way, let an unsuspecting animal do it for you!
I wrote the match participants on a piece of paper, placed a cat treat in the middle, and let Sakura go at it. Whomever she ate first, winner.
Cewsh: As for me, I took advantage of a little computer game called Total Extreme Warfare (Available now at greydogsoftware.com and heartily recommended). Essentially it is a wrestling show booking simulator where you control a wrestling company and put together the shows and everything that goes along with it. I booked Wrestlemania exactly as the card looks now, and let the game itself choose the winners. Simple, straightforward and mathematical with not a kitty or titty in sight.
Sigh, I never get to have any fun.
Anyway, we’re going through these in order of where we think they’ll go on the card. What are we basing that on? YOUR FACE, that’s what. Let’s get to it.
Cewsh: Now it only stands to reason that Money in the Bank will either kick this show off or come second, since it has every year before this one. It’ll get the crowd off to an incredibly exciting start and give them time to cool down from the crazy excitement before the important matches roll around. Aside from that, Money in the Bank is just the perfect formula for a match to start a big show. It’s a spotty, exciting match simply by definition, featuring a ton of high flying young stars (and Kane) vying for a shot at the titles we’ll see later. It doesn’t just get over the person who wins, but also makes the belts that will be contested later in the night seem more important after these guys go through hell for a shot at them.
As for who is going to win this year, the jury really is out on a serious favorite like Edge and RVD were in the past. Christian could finally break through the glass ceiling to a main event push with a win here, but he doesn’t necessarily have the momentum in his favor, and nothing in his return to WWE has really shown that they WANT to push him to those heights. McIntyre is another strong choice, as he’s got momentum through the roof, but as the current reigning Intercontinental champion, and with less than a year in the company, it may simply be too much too soon. And then there’s Kofi, who seemed like a shoo in before his recent, and drastic, depush. That would be after his inability to stay over following the whole Orton feud, and amidst rumors that he pissed off both John Cena and Randy Orton, which is a career move comparable to challenging Sylvester Stallone to an arm wrestling competition in Over The Line.
But at the very least we know who is NOT going to be winning, and those names include Evan Bourne, Kane, MVP, Matt Hardy and Shelton Benjamin. Sorry guys. See you in this same match next year!
Cewsh: Kofi Kingston.
TEW doesn’t give a ton of information on how the actual match goes, but they do seem to think that it’ll be one helluva match, with Kingston snatching the briefcase. This marks the first (but perhaps not the last) time that I hate the computer for its choice.
Ms. Cewsh: Kofi Kingston…maybe.
Sakura is a cat who likes her treats. She does not pass up treats. Upon leaping onto the MITB board, she made a beeline for Kofi and ate…half of him. She then went on to eat all of Bourne, Ziggles, MVP, McIntyre, skipped over Kofi again, Christian, the rest of Kofi, Swagger, Kane, Hardy, and lastly Shelton. I’m going to take this to mean Evan will rip Kofi entirely in two while he is dangling from the case and the match will have to be restarted on account of dead.
Vice: Matt Hardy.
How does porn predict this one? Well let me tell you. I had to come up with one hell of a system to pick out a winner when it came to a 10 person free for all ladder match. It also involved 10 women, because to make this credible, I can’t cut any corners. So, Vice, what exactly was your system? That is a good question, but unfortunately I will not explain it. You see, it was so extremely complicated and, yes, mathematical (sorry Mrs. Giaccio for doubting the use of mathematics), that it will be extremely hard to explain. It would take too much of my time. In fact, it was so complicated that I had to actually write it all down on a napkin. I’d scan the napkin, but.. erm.. let’s just leave it at that. Ahem.
Match 2 – The 10 Diva Tag Team Match.
Cewsh: It is SO HARD to not use the term “piss break” when it comes to this match, because that’s a shitty term to use to describe talented athletes plying their trade, and we’re better than that here at Cewsh Reviews.
However, if you really had something that needed to be done during this 4 hour show, be it putting the kids to bed, having some Randy Orton inspired sex, or just meeting the man who took your dog hostage to exchange the money at a rendezvous point, this is the match to do it during. Not only will the match quality likely dip towards the decidedly mediocre here, with so many inexperienced competitors and so many of them in the match together, but this match has so little hype and meaning behind it that you could seamlessly replace it with a match between Bugs Bunny and the Riddler with no hype whatsoever, and it would not be missed (mostly because that would be AWESOME.)
It’s hard to say who will actually come out on top here, because it’s hard to tell which of the two or three storylines crammed into this match will take center stage. With the inclusion of Vickie Guerrero, though, it stands to reason that this will all be a convoluted way to further her feud with Beth, so expect that to be the key factor in the end of this match.
Cewsh: Team Beth wins via Eve’s pinfall over Layla with a Sunset Flip.
Interestingly enough, the computer completely ignores any of the storylines in play here (it’s like the thing is a cold, unfeeling statistic simulator!) and decides that Eve will triumph over Layla in what would probably be about the most anticlimactic way for this match to possibly end. Thus far the computer is producing groan worthy results for this show, but I wouldn’t tell it that to its face, lest it…oh god, it can see me typing this, can’t it? OH GOD, IT DELETED MY HA
Ms. Cewsh: Team Beth.
Maybe she was still full after the MITB, but Saki wanted nothing to do with this match. It took me forever just to get her to notice her treats before reluctantly choosing Beth. Me too, honey.
Search: Piss Break
Title: Piss dragon
Finish: None, really
Match 3 – No Holds Barred Match – Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon.
Cewsh: Now we hit the real meat of the show, as we get to the first of the 4 main events for this evening. Now unless you’ve been living under some kind of rock like device for the past decade, you know full well why this match is a huge fucking deal. In case you WERE living under said extreme conditions, we’ll summarize, though.
Bret Hart was once the biggest star in the WWE, and throughout the 90s there was noone in all of wrestling with a bigger and more dedicated fanbase than “The Hitman” Bret Hart. Vince had Bret and Shawn Michaels as his top stars all though the 90s until, in 1997, Bret decided to leave to go to the competing wrestling company, WCW. However he was the champion and Vince felt that he might take the title to WCW with him, so at Survivor Series 1997 he arranged a screwjob (famously coined the Montreal Screwjob) where he had referee Earl Hebner call for the bell and award Shawn Michaels with the title despite that very much NOT being the planned finish. Vince screwed Bret, Bret spit in Vince’s face, and things were as hot as molten lava between the two for all the years since. Until now.
On January 4th of this year, Bret made his historic return to WWE as a guest host of Raw, and buried the hatchet with long time adversary Shawn Michaels, forgiving him for his involvement in the badness. He extended the same forgiveness to Vince, who responded with a kick to the gut and weeks of serious mocking. So Bret came down with the master plan of faking a leg injury so Vince would accept a match with him at Wrestlemania under his terms, with Vince expecting an easy win. But it will be anything but for Vinny Mac, and for Bret and his legions of fans, this is payback 13 years in the making.
Now as far as the actual match itself goes, don’t expect a mat classic. Bret is a stroke survivor and has been out of wrestling for a decade, and Vince is a 70 year old man. However with these two and the history between them, this could easily be something very special, and it may well be the most anticipated match on the whole show to a large section of loyal fans. Historic, epic, and a match we thought we’d never see.
Cewsh: Vince wins via pinfall with the Stone Cold Stunner.
This is one of those times where you just have to laugh. Whoever made the mod that i’m using to simulate this show clearly thought that Vince McMahon’s finisher should be the Stone Cold Stunner, and not only CAN he do it, but this game has judiciously decided that he WILL use it to beat Bret Hart clean in the middle of the ring. I find this more than a little unlikely, but what if the computer means that Austin will interfere on behalf of McMahon? Now that would be quite the twist.
Ms. Cewsh: Mr.McMahon.
Vice: Bret Hart.
Search: Stroke Victim
Title: English Police woman seduces a crime victim
Match 4 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – SHOWMIZ (c) vs. MorTruth.
Cewsh: On the surface, this match may seem the definition of filler. You have two thrown together tag teams (though SHOWMIZ have been meshing better and better every day) with minimal build competing over titles that have only recently begun to develop any sort of value whatsoever. And yet there’s a little more to the picture than just that.
The first interesting note here is the ever present feud between The Miz and John Morrison, which is one of the most intriguing running storylines in recent memory. Not in years have two young wrestlers been so tied to each other all throughout their simultaneous rises to greatness, and whenever they stand in the ring together, you can see history unfolding right then and there. Theirs is a feud that will be so much more meaningful and important ten years from now than we can really realize now, when we have the power of retrospect at out disposal, but right now the closest thing I can compare it to is The Rock and Triple H. Here’s hoping they meet at the top in a similar way.
Another note is that the Big Show has really seen a career resurgence (yes, another one) as a member of tag teams, first with Jericho and now with Miz, and is really establishing himself as the perfect tag team foil for a smaller cocky heel. His timing is impeccable, his menace is a great as ever, and his work seemingly gets better every day.
And R-Truth is here too.
Cewsh: Showmiz via pinfall.
The computer was apparently very unimpressed by my attempts to hype this match up, because not only was this match short, but it was quite terrible.
I blame the ref.
Ms. Cewsh: MorTruth.
Again, no hesitation.
Search: Tag Team
Title: THE BEST TAG TEAM!!!!!
Tits: I don’t even fucking know. I am far too blinded by her tan lines to tell. Seriously, this girl is golden brown like a pizza crust, but her boobs and crotch are as white as Sheamus. Maybe even whiter. It is so amazingly hideous that I cannot help but genuinely laugh at what I’m watching. Jesus Christ. Seriously, is there anything worse than ridiculous tan lines?
Since a winner needs to be decided, THE COIN has been called upon. Heads – ShowMiz. Tails – R-Morr (like ARMOR). The coin has decided… HEADS.
Match 5 – Ted Dibiase vs. Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes.
Cewsh: This is a match that has been brewing for as long as Legacy has existed.
The thing about teams is that they never last forever, no matter how cohesive and dominant they may be at any given time. Legacy absolutely owned the year 2009, with Orton leading the way, especially in the beginning of the year, and putting on white hot matches and angles with everyone he faced. Dibiase and Rhodes, for their part, spent the better part of the year finding their tag team identity before finally blossoming into top flight performers in their feud with DX.
But all good things are destined to end, and the second Orton stopped winning his matches, the sharks he bred himself started circling the bloody waters.
So now we have this match, pitting each member of Legacy against each other in a quest to see which man is truly the best. The feud has made it clear that Ted and Cody are on the same page…sort of when it comes to wanting to focus on Randy, but this is Wrestlemania, and all three of these men are opportunists bred to the very core, so I wouldn’t expect that to stay a factor for very long. Ultimately the winner of this match will be the one with eyes in the back of his head, and who takes advantage at exactly the right moment. The crowd, at least, has chosen Randy as the favorite. But when you put three snakes in a cage, only one, if any, can survive.
Cewsh: Orton via pinfall on Rhodes with the Punt.
I really can’t argue with this result, as I don’t think Dibiase and Rhodes are escaping out of this without one of them feeling the almighty boot to the face for their cheekiness. Dibiase and Rhodes are both great performers with bright futures, but with the incredible fan reaction he’s been getting, and the relative lack of momentum for Rhodes and Dibiase right now, this one seems pretty clear.
Ms. Cewsh: Orton.
There was a little hesitation on this one. She almost went with Ted, before veering off to the left to pick up Orton’s treat. Perhaps by sheer force of my own will.
Vice: Ted DiBiase.
Search: Triple Threat
Title: Flower, Harmony & Phoenix – Triple Butt Pump
Tits: Combination; more real than fake
Match 6 – World Heavyweight Championship – Chris Jericho (c) vs. Edge.
Cewsh: Depending on who you ask, the build up to this match is either awesome or god awful. The casual fans seem to think it’s fantastic, and the smarks seem to think that it blows worse than a rusty radiator with your mother staple to it.
This is mostly caused by the tone the feud has taken since Edge came back from his injury (early, I might add) and won the Royal Rumble, making him the number one contender for any Heavyweight championship of his choosing. He chose Jericho, seemingly because of Jericho’s entirely unkind remarks of Edge’s behalf, after he got injured immediately after they won the tag titles together in mid 2009, leading to the subsequent rise to greatness of Jerishow. That’s all well and good. But since Edge made the choice to face Jericho at Wrestlemania, the feud has revolved around one word. “Spear”.
Whenever Edge is around Jericho he repeats the word “spear” like a tribal war chant, getting the fans caught up in a frenzy to see him perform his finishing move on the hated Chris Jericho. The idea here is that Edge is telling Jericho exactly how he is going to beat him at Wrestlemania and there’s nothing that Jericho can do about it as the fans mock his inevitable fate by chanting the name of that move at him over and over. It’s not exactly feud of the year stuff, but the fans certainly seem to be into it, and hey. It’s Edge/Jericho. I’ll check any complaints at the door.
The smart money is probably on Edge here, as Royal Rumble winners have gone on to win their title match at Wrestlemania about 70% of the time, but it’s no guarantee, as this feud is very unlikely to end so soon into it, and a Jericho victory could carry us to Extreme Rules in April. Either way, this is a match I think we’ve all wanted to see for ages, and even if I have to chant “spear” all the way through it, I will do so with a grin on my face.
Cewsh: Jericho via submission with the Walls of Jericho.
Sheesh, I said that Jericho might win to prolong the feud, not that he’d beat the Royal Rumble winner clean by submission at Wrestlemania, for christ’s sake. That would be like me expecting to maybe get slapped by a woman after hitting on her and instead she takes out a gun and murders everyone in the room.
Ms. Cewsh: Jericho.
Again, she kind of psyched me out on this one, going for Edge and then veering off to Jericho at the last second.
Title: Rumble with Myself
Match 7 – CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio.
This feud all got started slowly, as Punk has morphed over the past few months from someone who lectured the fans about the straight edge lifestyle, to a self styled messiah of purity, with an army behind him to fight his battles, and an ever increasing vehemence and fervor to his words, calling for everyone to succumb to the power of straight edge and join his army of the saved. At some point, Rey Mysterio became a target of his crusade, but Rey proved too slippery to corner and has been frustrating Punk all through the new year, leading to Punk memorable coming out to interrupt Rey’s singing happy birthday to his daughter Aaliyah (yes, like the singer), to sing his own demented and creepy version, playing mind games with Rey to throw him off balance.
Then when Punk had Rey right where he wanted him, him told Rey that if Rey could beat Luke Gallows, he could have a Street Fight with Punk at Wrestlemania. But if he lost to Gallows and then lost to Punk at Mania, then Rey would have to become an official member of the Straight Edge Society. Rey lost to Luke. And now he is one loss away from becoming a disciple, against his will, of the Shepard of the Sober. High stakes, and for a man with as much pride as Rey, there aren’t much higher.
And with that all said, this match is going to fucking RULE.
Cewsh: CM Punk via pinfall with the Go 2 Sleep.
This match is interesting, because a loss by Rey leads to some serious storylines for the forseeable future, but a win for Rey sort of leaves both men in limbo. For that reason, and for my love of Mr. McPunker, I can’t argue with the computer on this one.
Ms. Cewsh: Punk.
Not here. Punk, decisively.
Vice: Rey Mysterio.
Title: Surprise! You’ll Be Fucking a Midget Today!
Match 8 – Triple H vs. Sheamus.
Cewsh: This is one of the most interesting matches on the card, actually. That’s not to say that it has gotten a ton of table time on television or that they’ve actually had a compelling feud here, but what is interesting is where each of these two men will go after this match is over.
Sheamus is coming off of his first year in the big leagues, a year that included winning the WWE Heavyweight Championship and retaining it against both John Cena and Randy Orton, which is a helluva thing to have on your resume. He’s fought most of the top names, and looks stronger by the day, securing a high place in the WWE hierarchy, despite all the people who said that he would fail, and he already seems miles ahead of people like Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne who he came in with. However after this, there isn’t a huge amount for him to really do. A move to Smackdown might do him wonders to build him into a truly credible top contender, but nothing is certain. His future is up in the air.
Triple H’s future, on the other hand, has far fewer options, that are no less intriguing. Basically there are two. Continue being a top babyface for awhile and just ride out his great face run of the moment, or turn heel and be the Triple H we’re all familiar with. There are strong arguments for either, and it’s impossible to say right now. But something tells me that by the end of this match, we may know something more about the futures that these men will have. Like I said, very interesting.
Cewsh: Triple H via pinfall with the Pedigree.
If I owned a farm, I would bet it on this being the outcome.
In fact, I bet YOUR farm.
Ms. Cewsh: Triple H.
Title: Delta White – Delta’s Day in LA
Tits: Horrendously fake
Match 9 – Career vs. Streak – No Disqualification Match – Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker.
Cewsh: Oh baby, this is the big one.
Ever since last year’s Wrestlemania, Shawn Michaels’ loss to the Undertaker has been nagging at him little by little. At the Slammy Awars in December, he finally let slip that what he truly wanted was another crack at the Undertaker, to break the hallowed winning streak once and for all. The Undertaker said no. As the weeks went on, Michaels started to visibly unravel, throwing over his friendship with Triple H, his tag team championships and even hiding under the Elimination Chamber to pop up and cost the Undertaker his title, just in a blindly desperate attempt to erase what he felt to be the biggest blemish on his professional career. The night he came so close, but not close enough. Finally, to punish him for his transgressions, the Undertaker agreed to a No Disqualification match between the two at Wrestlemania to settle things once and for all. But in order to get the match he yearned for, Michaels had to offer something in return.
So now Shawn Michaels, the Showstopper, Mr. Wrestlemania, will lace up his boots for perhaps the last time and face the unstoppable Undertaker on the show that they have co-owned for nearly two decades. If one man loses, he will never wrestle again. If the other loses, his greatest legacy will be shattered. The must be a winner, and when a three count is finally called, and the bell is rung, and one of these two men is staring into the night air of Phoenix, Arizona, there will be one loser as well.
And he will lose everything.
Cewsh: Taker via pinfall with the Last Ride.
I always knew the computers would side with the zombies when it came down to it.
Ms. Cewsh: Michaels.
Vice: Shawn Michaels.
Note: Undertaker is being labeled a heel here by me, because face vs. face does not work with this system, and I’m fucking terrified of the undead, so.. yeah. Though, I’m also terrified of religion, but Taker’s entrance generally has fire too. And I’m afraid of that. 2-1 Undertaker. Heel.
Search: Old Balding Men
Title: Two bald men and one shaved woman
Match 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Batista (c) vs. John Cena.
Cewsh: And at last we reach our main event. It’s probably more than a little controversial that we have this match going on after the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels, and frankly I think that if it actually DOES go on after that match, then this one doesn’t have a chance in fucking heel over not being completely overshadowed by it.
But these two have their own feud cooking, and just because it isn’t the biggest feud on the show, that doesn’t dim its luster any. See this feud started when John Cena decided to stand up for Bret Hart to Vince McMahon, a heroic last move, but a last move nonetheless. The Batista helped to beat the fuck out of Bret Hart when Bret got his hands on Vince, and act which earned Big Dave a favor. That favor was cashed in after John Cena won the WWE heavyweight championship at WWE Elimination Chamber this year, when Vince gave Batista a title match immediately after the match, allowing him to pin Cena easily and take the title.
Then Batista came out and explained his beef with John Cena, and how despite the fact that the two of them broke in at the same time, came up at the same time, and made it to the main event as champions at the same time, Cena was the one who became the crowned prince of WWE. Batista talked about how he seethed at seeing himself passed over while all the movies and commercials were tossed at the feet of the resident pretty boy, and how he wanted to prove once and for all that he is the true top star in WWE. So that brings us here. The two biggest stars of this generation squaring off to see who is dominant. Expect alot of people to be cheering Batista.
Cewsh: Cena via pinfall with the Attitude Adjustment.
This is almost the only way that this CAN end. The happy ending, to cap off a Wrestlemania where Shawn Michaels might very well be forced into retirement. Only the hero triumphing at the end can make up for that in the eyes of the fans.
Hmm, so maybe that means that Batista should win after all…
Ms. Cewsh: Batista.
Vice: Did not stick around long enough to find out.
Search: Fucking Sell You Shithead
Title: I’m selling dildos, but we can try them first
Vice: So there you have it. Following Wrestlemania, we’ll see just how well porn has predicted the epic show.
Ms. Cewsh: All in all, the cat followed my own thoughts on the show pretty well. I’d probably actually put my money on Cena, if you forced me to, and I sincerely doubt Punk will go over Mysterio. Still, she did a good job, and was richly rewarded.
Cewsh: Man, I can’t believe I was stuck playing computer games and Vice got to watch midget porn. I need to talk to my agent.
Anyway, thanks for previewing with us boys and girls. We hope this got you a fraction as excited about Wrestlemania as we all are, and rest assured that we will be all over this show like a hobo on a ham sandwich. But that’s for after it airs. For what’s left of this beautiful Sunday, kick back, relax, and enjoy the greatest spectacle in our wrestling industry.
Have fun, kids!
– The Cewsh Reviews Team