The Monday Night Wars Take Two: The Rehappening

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The Monday Night Wars Take Two: The Rehappening.

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the responsibly time traveling Cewsh Reviews. Tonight we have a special treat for you as we cover the beginning of the new Monday Night Wars between TNA Impact and WWE Raw. “But wait, Mr. McCewsh,” you may say is hushed tones of respect and admiration, “you already did the new Monday Night Wars back in January.” Well this is true, Ms. Cewsh and I tackled that very thing back in the olden days of 2 months ago. But a lot can change in that time, including TNA getting a permanent slot going head to head with Raw on Monday nights (the show in January was a one off event).

What can you expect from this sequel that will make it better than the original? How about Criss Angel, magician extraordinaire? No? How about not one but TWO Hulk Hogan matches. No again? Well how about MAGIC? Yeah, we knew that one would get you. Now you may have been excited at the prospect of Vice and I reviewing this show together and letting our conflicting views on these two shows start a war that would never wane in intensity, and we were too. Unfortunately, our Vicey come down with a serious case of “Has to work a shit ton of overtime to catch up on work” with a few side symptoms like “Has No Free Time” and “Curses The Day That Currency Was Ever Invented In The First Place”. It sounds serious. He’ll do his best to chip his two cents in when time allows, but in the meantime let’s all wish him a speedy, and financially rewarding recovery.

Let’s All Support Him As Enthusiastically As These Two.

In the meantime, come watch me, as I cover a historic event in the history of professional wrestling. The true rebirth of the Monday Night Wars. Again. But more so.

Sort of.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


TNA Impact!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: TNA has a new, snazzy opening video, showing slick new production values, and highlighting a number of stars like Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, amidst shots of guys like Brutus Magnus that look like they got in there by accident. But with that said, this is a great opening video to get the show going, and its miles better than the incredible generic “Cross the Line” shenanigans that they were going with before.

MILES better. Like Miles Davis better.

Here’s what Vice had to say about it to kick off the show:

Envious Vice: New theme = gay
Envious Vice: IT HAS DAFFERS SCREAMING
Envious Vice: OMG
Envious Vice: TIME OUT
Envious Vice: JK
Envious Vice: (sort of)

We’re in for an adventure.

Segment 2 – Hulk (Real American) Hogan and (Real Out Of Place) Abyss vs. AJ (Real Awesome) Styles and Ric (Real Old) Flair.

Cewsh: Alright, first of all, the Impact Zone is going absolutely bonkers for Hulk Hogan, and it makes this whole segment look way cooler than it might otherwise. This is clearly something that they came to see, and they are fucking HYPED to see their red and yellow hero in the ring again.

Or maybe all the cheers are for Abyss? He has a ring, you know. A MAGICAL INSPIRATIONAL ring, which grants him the power of believing in himself, and which everyone around him covets. Which, when I was in school, we called the One Ring, and some stubby dudes threw it in a volcano, but you know how the kids today are with their hip hops and their disrespecting their elders.

Hogan cuts a promo about how he and Abyss don’t want to wait for the main event, because they are totally ready to go right now, so Hogan calls out the champ and Flair and out they come, both dressed in robes, with AJ’s looking like it cost about $20 and Flair’s looking like it cost about $2,000 (guess which one is the champion?) They disrobe (heh, literalness) and Abyss and AJ start off the match and get right to it, with AJ bumping all over the ring for Abyss, making him look like the monster that we all vaguely remember. Then Flair comes in and does the same, bumping all around and doing his Flair thing, before snatching the advantage by grabbing a handful of Abyss’ monster ballsack, which is a move that makes no sense to me. It’s a disqualification to give a guy a low blow, but to squeeze them lovingly is okay?

The match continues for about a minute more before the lights go out and Sting appears completely out of nowhere to stare down Styles and Flair, as Hogan and Abyss stand beside him mocking those silly heels who don’t have Sting on their side. Of course they actually do as Sting SWERVES everyone, nailing Abyss and Hogan with his baseball bat and helping to beat the everloving shit out of both of them, as the crowd cheers louder than ever (which may not be exactly what you want during an enormous heel turn). Then Hogan grabs a mic, and while trying not to turn into the Creature From The Blood Lagoon, he decrees that there will be a rematch of this same match in the main event tonight, except this one will be No Disqualification. Which will be helpful, since Hogan and Abyss have so many allies that will help the…oh wait no, that’s the other team. SMOOTH MOVE EX LAX.

Plus He Bleeds All Over The Camera. Totally Unprofessional.


As a match, this was really pretty much nonexistent. It was more or less a way to grab fans to start the show, while establishing the storyline which would feed through the rest of the program until the main event. For that, and for Sting’s very interesting heel turn, this segment was intriguing, but nothing that happened between the bells was worthy of much notice.

60 out of 100.

Hulk Hogan and Abyss Over Ric Flair and AJ Styles Following Shenanigans.

Segment 3 – Is Steve Borden Going To Have To Choke A Bitch?

Cewsh: IS STEVE BORDEN GOING TO HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?!

Or At Least Hold His Hand Vaguely Near Her Throat?


Yep. Backstage, Dixie Carter confronts Sting, only to have Sting grab her by the throat, toss her to the side, and tell her that he owes her nothing, before storming off. Which may not be in his best interests since she still owns the company and all. But instead of calling the cops, or firing him, or filing a sexual harassment suit, she just looks indignant and stomps off. What exactly DO you have to do to get fired in TNA anyway? Somebody please tell me, so that I can frame Rhino for it.

Segment 4 – AJ Styles and Ric Flair Are Bad At Promos In Totally Different Ways.

Cewsh: Styles has no grasp on how to show this kind of personality, so he forces it wayyyyy too hard, resulting in him sounding like an over eager kid at his dad’s poker game. Whereas Flair completely ignores his protégé, yells until he turns red, and gets increasingly further and further off the topic the longer he is allowed to talk.

The line between “legend” and “dangerously insane old man” has never been more blurred. But hey, the chair is talking to him and he’s not happy about it. Fair enough.

Flair vs. Chair.


Then we get a segment where Brooke Hogan pretends to cry to her dad’s girlfriend about how her dad, Hulk Hogan remember, is totally soft on the inside and is hurting and “he needs to stop before he gets hurt”. Shit, I know he’s old and all but this is HULK HOGAN. Having his daughter intercede on his behalf ranks somewhere around dressing in a tutu and having tea parties while babysitting on the list of things I’d never expect Hulk Hogan to stoop to.

Wait, what’s that? He did that?

Oof.

Segment 5 – An X Division Wrestler Has A Microphone. And Not Even To Hand It To Hulk Hogan Either!

Cewsh: Kazarian is in the ring talking about how he wants to reignite the flame of the dying X Division. He shows a lot of passion talking about how the X Division guys should lead the battle against WWE. It’s not a bad promo, until Daniels interrupts him and says that HE should lead the battle more than anyone else what with all of his credentials, which isn’t a bad argument, really. Doug Williams apparently disagrees, though, as he comes out as well to call everyone wankers, They all jaw at each other for awhile before ANOTHER guy comes out, and this time it’s Eric Bischoff, who has had enough of all of this jibber jabber and wants to see a match between all three guys right this second. So off we go!

Segment 6 – TNA X Division Championship – Doug (The Pug) Williams © vs. Frankie (I Have A First Name!) Kazarian vs. Christopher (Me Too!) Daniels.

Cewsh: Now this is what I’m talking about, despite the shenanigans that led to Kazarian’s title shot being used right now against his will, and Daniels being included in it, despite having done nothing but job for weeks (thus making number one contendership matches kind of superfluous), this is still pretty awesome. So now we get this triple threat match for the X Division title, and while it isn’t anything truly groundbreaking or anything, it is exactly what the doctored ordered to pump some much needed in ring excitement into this show.

You may have heard me criticize these high spot filled, crash course X Division matches in the past, and it’s true that I have, but PPV and tv are two very different things. PPV is the time for high quality and compelling matches with purpose and skill, and tv is the time to just let fly with crazy moves and fast paced shenanigans to make me excited to see what will happen next. When it comes to an entertaining 7 minutes, nothing in wrestling beats the X Division. No doubt about that.

As such, this match was tons of fun, but had very little substance. Still, I’ll reward it justly for being the punch in the arm that this show needed after a few listless segments. More of this, please, and we might have something here.

72 out of 100.

Doug Williams Over Everyone Else Following The Chaos Theory German Suplex On Daniels.

Post Match:

Cewsh: After the match, Shannon Moore charges to the ring in his full on punk get up, with the glittery pants, the big Mohawk and the face paint, and gives Doug Williams one flying headscissors before Williams bails out of the ring, and is informed by Eric Bischoff that Shannon is somehow the new number one contender for the championship at Destination X, despite having done less than nothing do deserve it, aside from sit and watch Jeff Hardy paint, and stand by while he molested some young girls.

This Expression Says It All.


Wheeeee, consequences are imaginary things that don’t have meaning in the Gumball Lollipop Forest of TNA. Wheeeee!

Segment 7 – Dixie Carter Books A Match.

Cewsh: Despite the fact that she said that she would never actually do so, Dixie is backstage with Borash and tells him that she soooo mad at Sting that she’s booking him in a match. When Borash asks who it will be against, Dixie simply says that we’ll find out when everyone else does.

So Dixie’s booking matches, Hogan is wrestling matches, and Ric Flair is too? Sheesh, they should call this place Total Nonstop Promise Breaking Poop Faces.

Yeah that’s right TNA. Feel that sick burn. Feel the HEAT.

Segment 8 – TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – The Canadian Cockatoos (Taylor Wilde and Sarita) vs. The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne) vs. Chosen At Random (Tara and Angelina Love).

Cewsh: You may notice that no team is labeled as the defending champion here, and it’s no mistake. The reigning Knockouts Tag Team champions were Hamada and Awesome Kong, but after Kong got herself released as a result of Bubba the Love Sponge’s utterly ridiculous comments about Haiti (that the earthquakes were good, and that the people there should be “cleansed”) and Hamada hasn’t been seen since the new regime began, so according to Tenay, they have vacated their titles after 30 days of inactivity. Which is as good an excuse as any, I suppose. Poor Hamada. She got Jannettyed*.

As a result, the only other two tag teams in the company (and a third one which exists in the same way that Santa and Rush Limbaugh exist, only in the hearts of children) are squaring off here for the vacated belt, which is good for the lovely CCs because their tv time has been limited at best since that same regime change.

Unfortunately this match isn’t really going to do much in terms of boosting the CCs up the card any, as they spend almost no time in it. Eventually Tara get’s tagged and Daffney runs in and nails Tara in the back, allowing Madison Rayne to pin her almost casually and for the Beautiful People to, in about 2 minutes, win the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships. They celebrate all excitedly in the ring, though not half as excitedly as Vice celebrates upon seeing his Daffers show up.

Vicegasm.


This was all to get the belts on the Beautiful People and push the Tara/Daffney feud forward in as short a time as physically possible. They did the best they could with the time they had, but you can only pack so much into a 2 minute match, so it is what it is.

40 out of 100.

The Beautiful People Over Everyone Else Following Shenanigans.

Jannettyed – To be screwed over or punished due to something your partner did without consulting you. See: The Rockers Getting Fired From WWE After One Day.

Segment 9 – Ruffy’s Revenge.

Cewsh: D’Angelo Dinero is in the back hitting on Christy Hemme (as is his custom) and is talking his jibba jabba about how he’s going to beat Desmond Wolfe yet again, when Wolfe jumps him from behind, beats him up, and takes a chain and smashes it across Dinero’s injured ankle with a sickening thud and taking the time to mock him thoroughly before leaving with a pleased smile on his face.

Naturally, this being the Impact Zone, the fans immediately break into chants of “Pope Is Pimpin” which he most certainly, literally speaking, is not at that moment.

Next we see Sting descending the stairs from the catwalk (maybe he has a dressing room up there?) for his match against his mystery opponent. Taz makes very sure to ask the question “What were you doing at 4:20 this afternoon, Mike”, which is about as subtle as a brick to the ballsack at terminal velocity, but hey, as long as we know what’s up, let’s get revved up for the excitement!

Segment 10 – From Champions To Wet T-Shirts In Under 5 Segments.

Cewsh: The Beautiful People are backstage celebrating their championship win as only they can (drunk and half naked apparently), and in their excitement they start spraying champagne all over the place and especially all over a hapless Jeremy Borash, who then promptly responds by throwing his drink onto each of their breasts and they jump up and down, making a self contented face, that is one the funniest things I have ever seen.

Segment 11 – (Apparently A Heel Now) Sting vs. Mystery Opponent.

Cewsh: Yeah, the mystery opponent is Rob Van Dam.

In Case You Forgot He Likes His Name And Marijuana.


FUCK YEAH.

Rob Van Dam is always going to be one of my personal favorite wrestlers. Not because his ringwork is so great (though it can be underrated), not for his mic skills (which are somehow OVERRATED, despite being thought of as awful), and not for his look, which is basically Jean Claude Van Dam by way of a 1991 breakdancing competition.

Frankly, I have no idea why I like RVD so much, but dammit, he’s about as fun as can be, and this is the most exciting thing to happen in TNA for me since before the shake up. Sting comes out, looks all imposing, and RVD’s music hits, and even though the music is pretty terrible, the crowd goes insane for Robbie V and blows the roof off of the Impact Zone just like I’m doing at home. Instead of coming down the aisle, though, RVD slides in out of the crowd, hits a springboard kick on Sting, hits him with the Rolling Thunder and wins the match in 12 seconds.

Wait, what?

Yes, the match is over just that quickly, and immediately following its conclusion, Sting grabs his baseball bat and beats RVD senseless with it for about 10 minutes as security guards and wrestlers try to intervene on Rob’s behalf. Finally Hulk Hogan comes lumbering out to put a stop to it, and the security tries to get between them, but they just wind up distracting Hogan long enough to earn HIMSELF a Sting beating as well, before Sting saunters off, leaving RVD and Hulk Hogan broken messes on the floor.

Now look, I’m not going to count this as a match, because it wasn’t a match. It was a little segment designed to get over Sting as a heel, and in that regard it worked marvelously. By the time he was done with RVD and Hogan the crowd was fucking LIVID at Sting, booing him out of the building. However as the lights went down on the segment, the same thought kept passing through my head, “THAT’S how they’re debuting RVD?”

Sting’s bit here was brilliant, and RVD did the most with the time he was given, but Rob Van Dam is probably the last truly big name that TNA is going to have access to for a very long time. He’s still in great wrestling shape, and is basically a god hero to TNA’s fanbase. So you debut him in a 2 second match, and then make him an afterthought to a Sting beatdown and some Hogan interference? I don’t know it just didn’t seem right to me. Maybe it’ll get better next week.

Segment 12 – Hey Yo.

Cewsh: Next up on our wrestling television buffet, we get a big hunk of Kevin Nash with a side of Eric Young, as they come out to challenge Scott Hall and Sean Waltman to a match at Destination X. Now, even though Hall and Waltman don’t officially even work for the company, Nash has gotten special permission to book this match anyway, meaning that Hulk Hogan could literally book YOU in a match with Kevin Nash right now, and you’d have to show up and wrestle it. But please god, nobody tell Ms. Cewsh that, or I’ll never see her again.

Dammit Kevin, Stop Sizing Her Up!


Hall and Waltman show up and say that they’ll wrestle the match, BUT, being the shrewd negotiators that they are, they want a stipulation where if they win then they get full time TNA contracts from that point on. Eric Bischoff pops up on the big screen and they all agree to meet at Destination X (with Hall offering the line “I’ll be the one that looks like Elvis”). Then Waltman slaps Young and things get wild for a second, and before I have any idea what is going on, a MATCH begins between Waltman and Young (which is funny since, again, Waltman doesn’t work there). Young pins Waltman in 7 seconds, and we’re all left blinking wondering what the fuck just happened.

SWERVE.

Segment 13 – TNA Declares War On WWE. Literally.

Cewsh: After the break, the whole entrance area is magically surrounded by army guys in full uniform, who are then followed by Kurt Angle. Angle calls out Mr. Anderson for disrespecting the military and him for his treatment of the necklace that Kurt Angle wears, which he got from a soldier who wanted Kurt to use it for inspiration to be less crazy.

Anderson comes out and is totally humble, respectful and apologetic. And by that I mean he takes a verbal shit on Kurt Angle, the military, puppies, kittens, ponies, and freedom itself, before Kurt runs backstage and levels Anderson in one of the most hilarious examples of realism ever in wrestling. Kurt’s in the ring. Anderson is backstage cutting a nasty promo. Of COURSE Angle knows where that is, so why wouldn’t he just go back there and jump him?

Angle drags Anderson out to the ring, where Anderson is confronted by some pissed the fuck off army dudes, who proceed to tear him a new one outside the ring like a hoard of zombies on Mother Brain from Metroid. After this total wreckery, the army guys lift Angle on their shoulders and parade him around as a triumphant hero.

Now this segment was pretty awesome, all things considered. Anderson and Angle were awesome, and the army guys played their part to perfection, but man, what the hell is there left for them to do on PPV? That was absolute the greatest victory and triumph that could ever come out of this feud. Anything after it will seem kind of disappointing.

But hey, this segment was rad, and probably the best thing on either show so far so no real issues here. I’m just glad to be happy.

Segment 14 – Hulk Hogan, Brooke Hogan, and Bubba the Love Sponge Try To Act.

Cewsh: I would rather watch Mr. Nanny.

Fucking fire Bubba the fucking Love Sponge. He is amongst the world’s biggest shitheads.

In Terms Of Both Quality And Quantity.

Segment 15 – Beer (Is Expensive These Days) Money Inc. vs. Jeff (Flipping Burgers Wasn’t So Bad) Jarrett.

Cewsh: So in case you haven’t been following Impact recently, Eric Bischoff has been treating Jeff Jarrett like garbage, trying to force him to leave TNA by making him a cook, a janitor, taking away his theme music and booking him in matches like this. But Jarrett has refused to back down from Eric Bischoff, and so he winds up taking a huge ass beating every week by whoever Bischoff decides would make it look entertaining this time.

Our ass kickers to be this week are Beer Money, who you may remember as being the top face tag team in TNA eleven minutes ago, but who are now inexplicably heels with absolutely no elaboration as to why and to what end. So they cackle menacingly, jump Jarrett from behind, get him into the ring, and beat the snot out of his for 5 minutes, before mercifully ending things with the D.W.I.

Oddly enough, I like this storyline with Jarrett. Even though they’re basically doing the EXACT SAME STORYLINE AT THE EXACT SAME TIME with Mick Foley, this is the one that has legs, and Jarrett is really doing a great job of being sympathetic as he watching his creation get perverted and stolen from him in ways he never imagined possible. I’m really interested to see where this is going, especially if it leads to Jarrett/Bischoff at Bound for Glory. Which is the worst match that I would ever consider paying money to see.

Segment 16 – Hulk Hogan, Brooke Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge Try To Act Part 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Cewsh: zzzzZZZZZzzzzzZzzzzzzzZzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzz

Segment 17 – Ric (The Dick) Flair and AJ (Frosted Flakes) Styles vs. Hulk (Sulkamania) Hogan and (Seriously, Why Is He Here?) Abyss.

Cewsh: Ah the main event. The epic match where the TNA champion and the number one contender team up with arguably the two biggest legends to ever wrestle to have themselves an amazingly huge, historical tag team match, that is exactly as bad as it sounds.

It’s not that these guys CAN’T have good matches. 3 out of 4 of them have had a great match at some point in the last few years, and Hogan isn’t in much worse condition than he was when Orton carried him to something watchable a few years ago. However as a tag team match, this thing is a mess. Styles is the only one who can bump in the slightest, and he does so EVERYWHERE. Flair starts bleeding right from the beginning and never slows down. Abyss punches people and Hogan punches people also and it all meshes together like peanut butter and crack cocaine. It’s an ugly, ugly match.

No, YOU’RE Ugly.


Finally, at the end, Hogan and Abyss do simultaneous Hulk Ups at completely different speeds, narrowly avoiding bumping into each other numerous times, before Hogan whips Styles across the ring with an Irish Whip, as Abyss catches him in a huge Black Hole Slam for the clean victory over the World Heavyweight Champion. Hogan and Abyss barely have time to catch their breath, though, as Desmond Wolfe runs in with a chair for no reason. He lays waste to both men, and Styles and Flair join in, before D’Angelo Dinero limps down to ringside, only to also get demolished thanks to his bad wheel. Then, as all is lost, our savior appears.

The Charismatic Cellmate Jeff Hardy.

Jeff runs out to the rescue, beating everyone up, slamming Styles down in the perfect position for a Swanton and climbs to the top rope, ready to give the fans what they want and…blackness.

SUCKERS! BWAHAHAHA.


Yep, the show actually cuts off before we get to see anything. Apparently they had already gone over their allotted time and Spike TV pulled the plug. Which is fine, really, because I wanted to pull the plug on this whole match myself.

(Cewsh Note: As it turns out, many of you felt the same way, as the main event of the show did a 0.76 rating, compared to the overall rating of 1.0 for the full show, showing that people tuned out in droves at the idea of watching this match).

47 out of 100.

Abyss and Hulk Hogan over Ric Flair and AJ Styles.

————————————

WWE Raw:

Segment 1 – The Opening Video Will REST…..IN……PEACE.

Cewsh: Raw starts off with the Undertaker making his grand entrance to address the situation with Shawn Michaels, after having made the match officially a Streak vs. Career match previously. Taker talks about how he’s totally going to end Michaels’ career, and about how that is wicked awesome, before Michaels comes out and interrupts them. They go back and forth for a few minutes (while I try to shake how weird it is to see the Undertaker talk so much) before Michaels makes it clear that he wants their match to be a No Disqualification match so that there will be a definitive winner and loser and no question about who the better man is.

I’ve got to tell you, between the videos, the promos, and Shawn’s intensity, this is starting to look like the most exciting match that WWE have put on in YEARS. It has a great build and it’ll be a great match, which is a combination so awesome and, frankly, rare that it feels like we’re really watching something special happen right before our eyes.

Though I still say the match should be a race to see who is balding faster.

Segment 2 – Team Bubbles and Ponies (Kelly Kelly, Eve and Gail Kim) vs. Team Meany Faces (Katie Lea, Alicia Fox and Maryse).

Cewsh: This is our Divas match for the show, as is traditional for Raw, and as is also traditional, there really isn’t any reason behind it past getting them all into one match. Maryse is the current Divas champion, after having defeated Gail Kim in the finals of the tournament for the vacate belt, and I’m not sure if she’s still feuding with Gail now or what, but they’re both here so sure, let’s go with that.

This match basically revolves around the idea that everybody hates Maryse and wants to kill her. Everybody gets involved and does their bit, but the spotlight shines brightest on Eve, who basically gets in all of the offense for her team, and slaps an armbar on Maryse out of nowhere, causing the champion to tap out. So Eve beat Maryse, meaning that she should pretty clearly be the number one contender, something that I heartily endorse. Eve is beautiful, works hard, and is about as capable as you could possibly expect a Diva’s Search winner to be at this point. Still though, this was a throwaway segment, just to get the Divas on the show, and it certainly wasn’t anything I’d call memorable from an in ring standpoint.

So to summarize: Yay Eve! Boo match! Next.

40 out of 100.

Team Bubbles and Ponies Over Team Meany Faces Followed By Chris Jericho’s Favorite Move.

Segment 3 – Criss Angel + Hornswaggle = ?

Cewsh: Criss Angel, otherwise as 2009’s winner of “Biggest Blubbercunt In The Universe”, is the host of tonight’s Raw. Here he does some magic. What kind of magic, you ask? Well he swallows some fishing line and then pulls it out of his eye socket.

I’d Like To See Him Try That With A Rabbit.


TA DA!

Then he punches Jillian Hall in the throat, causing her to be unable to sing, which is a trick I guarantee you will work if you try it on your little brother or sister, but which I must heartily discourage, because unlike Criss Angel, you will get your ass kicked.

MAGIC!

Segment 4 – SHOWMIZ (The Big Show and The Miz) vs. The Friday Night Delights (John Morrison and R-Truth).

Cewsh: This match comes as a result of John Morrison and R-Truth winning the right to fight for the Unified Tag team championships at Wrestlemania. The idea here is that SHOWMIZ don’t take them seriously because they aren’t a real team (unlike SHOWMIZ, who have been together a whole month), and so they’re having this non title preliminary match to prove to everyone that The Friday Night Delights are serious business.

They get into it quick and early. So quickly and so early, in fact, that the ref disqualifies all of them about 2 minutes in as they all brawl on the floor. Eventually Morrison and Truth beat up SHOW MIZ and leave them laying, and tell everyone that they are truly the real deal and will win the titles at Wrestlemania.

Are they paying wrestlers by the hour tonight or what?

Segment 5 – John Cena Respects Babies, Vince McMahon.

Cewsh: Well I mean, he ALLEGEDLY respects babies. But he inflicted 12 Rounds on them, so you never know.

Cena is backstage being interviewed by Josh Matthews, who asks him what he’ll do if Batista interferes in his match with Vince McMahon tonight. Cena answers by saying “I’m counting on it.”

Remember that for later, boys and girls, John Cena is COUNTING on Batista’s interference. Counting on it. Why, it’s almost like he has a plan of some kind…

Segment 6 – Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? MAGIC!

Cewsh: We get another charming segment with Criss Angel, as this time he plies his trade on William Regal and his (totally adorable) rookie, Skip Sheffield. This time he has Regal pick a number, and then he looks loving and longingly into Regal’s eyes, like many a smark has dreamed of. Finally he produces the correct number which he obviously did not prearrange. This causes Skip Sheffield to inform Regal that he owes him a Travis Tritt cd, which earned a grin from me. He’s got some great personality does the big lug.

But that’s not the focus here. What is the focus?

MAGIC.

Segment 7 – Randy (Heartthrob) Orton vs. Ted (Wait, I Thought I Was Getting The Face Turn) Dibiase and Cody (Heel 4 Life.) Rhodes.

Cewsh: Generally speaking, handicap matches don’t really work. If the guy fighting the odds wins, it makes the duo look like total chumps, but if the match proceeds realistically, it just winds up being a huge, drawn out beat down with no real comeback. This match errs closer to the first, as Orton runs out and attacks Legacy before they’re even to the ring, and proceeds to kick the shit out of them for several minutes as they try desperately to get their feet under them and get going.

Of course after Randy Orton spends 10 minutes doing what D-Generation X as a team couldn’t accomplish, he gets tripped up somewhere, and Legacy goes on the offensive, and from there it’s a downhill trip straight to beating land, just as you might expect. No wait, Orton just beats them up some more. Then some more. And then some more again. And then Dibiase hits Dream Street out of nowhere and gets the pin. And then Rhodes hits Crossrhodes on him for good measure. Then they taunt Orton and crow about how they’re going to beat him up at Wrestlemania, not really acknowledging at all that that is a Triple Threat match, rather than a handicap match.

Yeah, this match was really weird, like they were trying to make it okay for Orton to job by having him destroy legacy first, and the fans certainly dug Orton kicking tons of ass, but this was not what you’d call a good match, even if it was the long match I’d been asking for. It was alright, but no more than that.

60 out of 100.

Legacy Over Randy Orton Following Dream Street.

Segment 8 – Batista Is A Friendly Dude.

Cewsh: Batista is backstage talking to Josh Matthews, who asks the big guy whether or not he’s going to interfere in the Cena/McMahon match later tonight. Bats claims that he wouldn’t dream of it, because it’s an issue that doesn’t concern him, and that he even wants Josh to go find Cena and wish him good luck from his old friend Batista.

Aww! Thoughtful!

Remember that one too though, boys and girls. Cena is counting on Bats interfering and Bats has no intention of it. Just bear it in mind.

Segment 9 – Triple H Has A Down To Earth Talk With The Kids Today.

Cewsh: Specifically Sheamus. Trips comes to the ring and starts to cut a promo about how he respects that Sheamus is coming after the top dog in WWE (him), but that there’s he needs to know that young punks try that all the time and if they can win (Cena, Batista) then they become the shit, but if they fail (Booker T) they become nobodies. He even brings up his match with the Ultimate Warrior where he lost in about a minute after Warrior stood straight up after taking the Pedigree, saying that Triple H was too impulsive and he paid for it, and Sheamus shouldn’t make the same mistake.

“…And Then I Decided To Marry The Bosses’ Daughter.”


Sheamus, being Sheamus, punches him in the face. So they start brawling all over ringside as security starts trying to pull them apart. They fail of course, WWE needs to invest in better security for fuck’s sake, and Triple H gets one over on Sheamus, hitting him with a big Spinebuster and staring him down as Sheamus walks to the back.

I really loved this segment to death, both because of each man’s commitment to their characters, and because of how truly relevant and historical Triple H’s promo was, giving context to a feud that otherwise would have lacked it. It’s really effective, and in one segment they sold me their match. Very well done indeed.

Segment 10 – Knock Knock. Who’s There? Cup. Cup Who? Cup MAGIC MOTHERFUCKER.

Cewsh: Criss Angel puts a knife under a cup and puts 3 cups next to it. Santino mixes them up. Angel smashes all of them EXCEPT the one with the knife under it. Gosh, that’s shocking. Santino is greatly impressed however. I am also impressed by the fact that Criss Angel has the ball to actually say to the fucking camera that this hasn’t been worked out ahead of time, because sure, why wouldn’t we just believe him?

MAGIC.

Segment 11 – Money In the Bank Qualifying Match – Evan (Stone) Bourne vs. William (Is Not Good With Ladders) Regal.

Cewsh: This match is for one of the final Money in the Bank match spots, and really either guy could reasonably win. Bourne is a good choice because he’s obviously quite good at the flippies, and Regal could win because every year they seem to slot some older guy who sucks with ladders in there, seemingly as a joke.

The match gets started, and it’s basically the Evan Bourne dies show (which gets great rating on Lifetime I hear), starring William Regal, as Regal puts the kid through his paces and shows him who’s boss. At least, he starts showing him who is boss, and Bourne catches him by surprise with a knee to the face, climbs the ropes and hits a picture perfect Air Bourne to score the win and the Money spot.

I really wish this match had been longer, because they really got cut off before they ever truly got going, and it’s odd for Regal to lose to Bourne so easily considering that Bourne hasn’t exactly been on a huge winning streak lately. Still though, can’t complain against Bourne in the ladder match, and I can’t wait to see him get his chance on the big stage.

60 out of 100.

Evan Bourne Over William Regal Following The Air Bourne.

Segment 12 – John (I HAS A PLAN) Cena vs. Vince (I HAZ ONE TOO) McMahon.

Cewsh: Here we are at our main event of the evening, pitting the young and powerful top star of WWE against the 70 year old owner of the company in what is just a plain old singles match. Wait, what’s that Vince? Oh, now it is apparently a Gauntlet match and Cena has to beat all the superstars that Vince sends at him first. Alrighty then. You know, you’d think faces would learn to stop getting into matches with authority figures. They ALWAYS change the rules. I wonder how this will affect John Cena’s plans.

The first guy out to help Vinny Mac is Vladamir Kozlov, and he immediately wastes John Cena, beating him mercilessly to the ground until Cena looks out of it. Ooookay. Vince sends him to the back for some reason, and tries to pin Cena, who promptly kicks out. Then McMahon calls for somebody else and Drew McIntyre comes out all the way from Smackdown. He then beats Cena within an inch of his life also, and McMahon sends him to the back too, before unsuccessfully trying to pin Cena.

Seriously Vince, send them to the back AFTER you try to pin Cena. This is just inefficient.

Next on the failure wagon is Jack Swagger, who goes after Cena just like the others. Finally, though, Cena starts to fight back, giving his all to take the fight to Vince, before Swagger beats him up anyway, and Vince goes for the pin again. STILL Cena won’t stay down, as he obviously is shooting for the all time high score of no selling the most WWE Superstars in a row in one match. Getting ever more desperate, Vince plays his trump card and summons Mark Henry, who doesn’t want to hurt Cena, but at Vince’s insistence, gives Cena the World’s Strongest Slam. Which of course is now the World’s Most No Sold Slam, because Cena aint having any of that. Henry gets pissed at Vince and goes to beat him down, but Batista flies into the ring and destroys Mark. Yes! Now Cena’s plan can finally be put into place! The one that he was depending on Batista’s interference for!

That plan is…laying on the ground in pain and summoning Kofi Kingston to the rescue. Which is effective for all of 2 seconds before Batista powerbombs him right on his neck for being a bitch.

Good Luck With That Whole Push You’ve Got Going, Buddy.


Then Vince hops in to hit Cena with the ring bell, but Cena fights back, momentarily knocking Bats out of the ring and bearing down on McMahon. McMahon drops the ring bell like it’s a hot potato and tries to make nice with Johnny C. It, uh, doesn’t work. Luckily for Vince, though, Batista is there to spear the shoes right off of Cena. Then he stands over the broken body of his adversary, summons a spotlight on him, and then yells “YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH!” as the show goes off the air. Just like an ancient sea monster of some kind.

The Disembodied Head Approves.


This match was….um. It was definitely…er. Fuck me, I have no idea what the shit was going on here. There wasn’t any actual match, and nor was there really any wrestling. This was an angle disguised in match like clothing, and even for one of those, it was incredibly confusing. Why did Vince keep sending people away? Why would Batista go back on his word (the meany face)? And what the fuck, exactly, was John Cena counting on? Because whatever his plan was, it sucked some seriously dong. Seriously. Sheesh.

50 out of 100.

I Have No Idea Over This Was A Match?

———————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

TNA:


Cewsh: The eternal TNA paradox. In a lot of ways I liked this show and was entertained by it. But in a lot of other ways this show was so miserably off and wrong, and nonsensical that it defies any attempts to my part to defend or rationalize it. The main event (and opening match too, I guess) had few, if any, redeeming qualities. What happened in between was mostly short, choppy and forgettable television that seems to be going places, but with no particular urgency.

Goddamn TNA, let me like you already. This was your chance to fire the first shot of the new Monday Night Wars. It’s just a shame your gun was loaded with blanks.

Raw:


Cewsh: Bloody fuck this show was boring. Things progressed their storylines, and things happened here and there, but this just felt like such an uninspiring show that I can’t even believe I stayed awake throughout the whole thing. There’s really no two ways about it, this was a filler show on the Road to Wrestlemania, and WWE did not give one single shred of a shit about any Monday Night War. They were almost daring us to change the channel, and the craziest thing is, we didn’t.

Final Conclusion:


Cewsh: If this is a war, then we are the casualties. When we last covered the burgeoning rivalry between Raw and Impact, Raw won simply by being an above average show and letting TNA self destruct themselves out of competition. This time, however, WWE put on an absolutely miserably dull showing, and TNA couldn’t even take advantage of it enough to win the night. Simply put, both shows lost the opening round of the Monday Night War. And we lost right along with them. If this is the next great wrestling war, you can find me watching some HUSTLE.

Winner: Vultures.






Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our Cewsh Reviews coverage of the relaunch of the Monday Night Wars, even if it was pretty much a lame duck night altogether. Not exactly an auspicious event to go down in the history books. Still, though, we’ll give TNA a chance to redeem themselves next week with their Destination X PPV, and yes, I promise that I will have either Ms. Cewsh or Vice by my side so you won’t be subjected to the ramblings of a demented sociopath. You’ll be subjected, as usual, to two. Until then, be sure to keep reading, and as always, be good to one another.

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