Monthly Archives: March 2010

WWE Wrestlemania XXVI

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Wrestlemania XXVI

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Showcase of the Incorrigibles, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we don’t just have A special treat for you, we have THE goddamn special treat, as we are here to review and bask in the glow of WWE Wrestlemania XXVI. Well we’re finally here, at the culmination of both the wrestling year, and our reviewing year. It’s been a long road, with ups and downs, things that were Ian Rotten, and things that were Beautiful People, and here we stand, in year two of Cewsh Reviews, and going strong, ready to celebrate and culminate the wrestling world as a whole on this biggest of nights.

But yeah, yeah, yeah, we’re awesome, blah blah blah. Let’s get to the fucking show, shall we? This is one of the most ridiculously stacked cards in recent memory (possibly in ANY memory) and all three of us are dying to dig our teeth into it. What will we think about Shawn/Taker? What will Vice think of having to watch John Cena wrestle Batista? Will Ms. Cewsh attack the screen when Kofi comes on (and when Randy Orton comes on for a very different reason?) There’s only one way to find out, kids. And damned if we won’t try to make it fun along the way.

Also, Vice’s Awards are back. Yeah, you heard me. This is THE SHIT right here. So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking Wrestlemania review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER And Other Assorted Shenanigans.

Vice: Fantasia sings the National Anthem. Whoop-di-doooooooooooo.

I Like The Movie Better.


Sounded terrible, too. Seriously, they couldn’t have gotten anyone better? Or at least slightly more relevant?

Cewsh: Not without actually having to spend money, I’d bet. Fantasia probably did it for $10 Monopoly dollars and a ham sandwich.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh wow, I’m very impressed with the set tonight. I don’t think I’ve seen an outdoor PPV before, but it really adds something to the event. And I love the big ass monitors.

Cewsh: I’d honestly like to take a second to thank those production dudes for the fantastic goddamn job they do with this stuff, the sets, the video, the pyro, the lighting, all of it. We never get to see them doing their jobs, so I don’t even know who to thank specifically, but these guys bust their asses and without them, these shows and matches wouldn’t have an ounce of the excitement and aura around them that they do. Damn fine work guys and gals. Damn fine work.




Segment 2 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – SHOWMIZ (Not MizShow) © vs. MorTruth (Also MorChicken).


Vice: Man does Miz look like a fucking star with all that gold. To nitpick as I always do, I think his US title should have been around his waist with the tag titles in hand.

I really hate the team of Morrison and R-Truth. Mainly because I hate them both; especially R-Truth. I was happy to see Miz and Morrison kick the match off, even if the two were only in the ring for like 20 seconds before Truth got tagged in. In clearly what is the best thing about the match, Morrison goes for the Starship Pain, and Big Show grabs Miz by the ankles and just drags him out of the ring with so much force that Miz just crashes down onto the ground in ragdoll fashion. It was just fun to see. Finish is pretty groovy too, but overall a ridiculously short match to kick the show off. In terms of the match, I’m actually not miffed at all about the length, because it was something I didn’t give a hoot about. That said, kicking the show off with that match was weak sauce.

Ms. Cewsh: Miz’s coat is sexy. You can barely see it under all the gold. Great look.

 Still Say He Looks Like The Hamburglar.


Really good, quick opener. Morrison and Truth both get to showcase their athleticism, Show gets to toss Truth around like a rag doll, and Miz gets a win at his inaugural Mania. Nothing to complain about, even if it was too short to be great.

72 out of 100.

Cewsh: I do have to say this, despite the fact that this match wasn’t exactly the blow the doors off opening match I might have hoped for, R-Truth absolutely did get the crowd on their feet during his entrance, so sending him out first was a fantastic idea. As for everybody else, well there’s noon in this match that I don’t really like, so it’s not like I’m going to turn my nose up at them all being in a match for me to watch, but I really don’t know what any of them are doing here. Would anyone really rather see this than, say, Miz vs. Morrison for the United States title? Maybe that’s just me.

The match is fine, and entirely serviceable for an opener. But I forgot about it before it was even over. Onward to more interesting things!

70 out of 100.

SHOWMIZ Over MorTruth Following The Knockout Punch From The Big Show To John Morrison.

Segment 2 – Randy (My Dad Could Beat Up Your Dads!) Orton vs. Cody (NUH UH!) Rhodes vs. Ted (NUH UH!) Dibiase.

Cewsh: Ah the breakup of a prominent stable. Is there anything for pleasing than watching a once proud group of men who had built a great organization see it all come crashing down? I think not. Legacy, from the day it was founded, was born to end. While they were together they did a lot of really great stuff and there were lots and lots of truly great matches had by all, but this whole stable was designed to get Cody and Ted over, and inevitably that was going to happen when one or both of them turned on their teacher and brought him back down to earth.

Of course, I don’t think any of us expected Randy fucking Orton to be the face during all of it. That says a lot for just how good Randy has been at being an evil fuck, since the crowd eventually just thought he was too awesome to boo anymore, whereas Cody and Ted have done such a great job establishing themselves as heels, that they have proved to be the perfect foil for Randy’s sort of kind of face turn. It’s weird and it’s unexpected, but hey, it works.

The match here was exactly right for what it needed to be. Rhodes and Dibiase both get to shine, showing that they are future superstars in the making, and were inevitably undone mostly by their inability to work together, and Randy looks like the main eventer he is by fending off both men, and ultimate coming out definitively on top. Everybody looks fantastic, Randy is crazy, crazy over, and now the whole thing can be over and done with and everyone can move on better off for the experience. Works for me.


80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh my God, Randy. Randy Randy Randy Randy. I’m incoherent with desire.

For some reason, when I think Legacy, I think shit in the ring. I can’t figure out why, because they’ve generally scored well with me. They didn’t blow me away tonight, or anything, but they were consistently good. Randy, however, is great. I love him doing his little drop move on both of them at once. I love him acting all remorseful doing the RKO dance, before going for the Punt.

I love his win. I love this blow off. I’m so very happy.

89 out of 100.

Vice: Cody has the most ridiculous looking attire ever. Such a silly combination of colors, and the lack of knee pads still irks the piss out of me. You could send him back to the 70’s and make him a jobber with a fitness instructor for the elderly gimmick and he’d fit in perfectly.

 
It’s A…Um…Look.



He’s ridiculously sound, in a technical way. Good wrestler, him. Aside from the fact that he was like 3 seconds too late with the High-Low.

It’s really amazing how completely out of place Orton looks around Ted and Cody.

This match was a heck of a lot better than I thought it would be, and quite possibly better than it had any right to be, but a Wrestlemania match it did not feel like. So far, match-wise, it’s felt like one of those good RAWs.

Randy Orton Over Everyone Else Following Badassitude.

 
Yeah. That Kind Of Badassitude.




Segment 4 – Snap Into A Rotund James.

Cewsh: Vickie Guerrero is backstage with her team for tonight’s match, and she is very excited about competing in her very first Wrestlemania match. To commemorate the occasion she invites Jillian on to sing about how great she is. This doesn’t last long before Santino randomly wanders in with a Slim Jim. Santino reminds us that anything is possible when you bite into a Slim Jim, and to prove this he takes a bite and Jillian suddenly transforms into Mae Young. She tries to stick her tongue down his throat so he bites again and it turns into Gene Okerlund in Jillian’s dress. Santino quickly bites again and now it is Melina, who winks suggestively at the camera, says that anything can happen and takes Santino to the dressing room so that they can have some wild sex together.

Slim Jim: A One In Three Chance Of A Hot Chick Is Still Good Odds.

Vice: Do people still find Santino funny?




Segment 5 – The Money In The Bank Ladder Match – Kofi Kingston, MVP, Jack Swagger, Evan Bourne, Kane, Drew McIntyre, Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Christian and Dolph Ziggler.

Cewsh Notes:

– It’s really rad that the briefcase is hanging down from that crazy circular screen thingy, instead of from some random cord. It makes it look like they have to climb the whole set to get it.

– KOFI’S HAIR! Jesus god, I don’t know if that is traditional or what, but he is actually going to outdo Rey Mysterio for looking insane on this show. Which is goddamn impressive.

 
It’s Also A…Um…Look.


– I heart Evan Bourne. He has as much chance of winning this as I do of finding the Holy Grail and finding out that it’s really a recipe for great chili, though.

– There are wayyyy too many fucking people here. It’s like a goddamn convention.

– This match would be entirely more fun if they all brought their own ladders to the ring, and could only win if they climbed their own ladder. They could decorate them and all. It’d be festive.

– Swagger getting squished in between all the ladders and Kofi Kingston trying to stilt walk his way to the briefcase on two halves of a broken ladder were such awesome spots. I can’t believe they keep coming up with new stuff like that time after time.

– Wow, I would never have expected Jack Swagger to win this match, that really took me by surprise. At this point with the Money in the Bank winners I won’t even bother to guess what it is that he’ll do with it, but damn that’s exciting for him. I just feel bad for poor Christian, I really thought this was his night.

This wasn’t nearly the best Money in the Bank match in Wrestlemania history, but just because we’ve seen better in the past doesn’t make this match anything less than a ton of fun. Some guys (Kane, Evan Bourne, Kofi Kingston) brought their A game and really shined here, while others (Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Shelton Benjamin) really might as well have not been here at all. All in all though, it was a fun match, and it definitely got the crowd’s attention, as car crashes are known to do.


81 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice Notes: Savannah instantly made it onto my list of people I want to make love to, but she is a terrible announcer. Women should not be announcers.

Striker makes a mention that Shelton Benjamin has been in every MITB match. That’s kind of sad in a way. He’s never risen up and gotten to the next level (ie: something better to do) since the match type came about. Sure this match is more or less made for a guy like him, but it shows how WWE looks at him.

(Cewsh Note: Striker lied, Shelton had been in every Money In The Bank Match but one.)

I’m not going to lie and say this wasn’t a fun match. It was. I enjoyed the mindless nature of it, and seeing everyone get killed. I wasn’t exactly a huge fan of the idea for 10 people to be in this match, and I actually thought it was great for the first few minutes. But as the match went on, the more I wanted it to be fewer people. So many people were knocked out for long periods of time that I’d seriously forget they were in the match. McIntyre would run back in the ring and I’d be like “whoa! forgot about him!”. People that didn’t even take huge bumps ended up being gone for quite some time.

I swear McIntyre, Swagger, Shelton, Bourne and Ziggler only had like two spots each. Cool spots, but not much from them. Oh yeah, and Swagger won the damn thing. I had completely forgotten that he was in the match about 30 seconds before he pulled the briefcase after struggling with it for 27 seconds. I do wish they’d go back to fewer people and make it a more intimate affair, focusing less on ridiculousness, because they’re just killing off all the ladder spots imaginable. But they’re still fun.

There were some crazy spots throughout the match that I enjoyed. I absolutely loved Kofi using the broken ladder halves as stilts, the Swagger sandwich involving 3 ladders, and Bourne’s shooting star. Plus a few others, of course. Good solid fun, it was.

Swagger winning was a hell of a surprise. You’d think they’d have capitalized on him when he was over and looking like he’d be the next big thing. But now he’s kind of a nobody and he’s let his body go quite a bit. Did you see his gut poking out of his singlet? I’d be curious to see it bare. And then I’d have it challenge Matt Hardy’s to a contest. But still, Swagger has tons of potential and it was good to see a guy like him get the win. Last year I’d have said shell yeah to him getting the title, but this year not so much. I’d like to see him be the first person to cash it in and lose. It needs to happen eventually.

Ms.Cewsh Notes: I’m not really pleased that they took this match to 10 guys. It’s too many, the spots are hard to follow, and a lot of these guys don’t really add anything to the match.

Despite that, it’s still MITB and I base my years around how much I want to see this match.

Christian and Matt’s battering ram spot was sick. Poor Swagger. Poor Matt. Poor Christian. Poor, poor, POOR Evan.

We had a friend come over to watch the show with us. She’s a HUGE old-school Kane mark. It was so funny to see how excited she was, and her enthusiasm made me appreciate him. I was wrong about him not having value anymore, he really looked great tonight.

Kofi stilt walks to the case. Even I can’t deny it was impressive, but it made me happy that Drew knocked him over.

Holy shit, Swagger? Really? NO ONE called that, but it’s certainly not a bad choice. It’s only a shame that he botched getting the case down. Kind of killed the tension. Still, I have no objections, except that we could’ve had this same match sans MVP and Shelton and it wouldn’t have changed a bit.

81 out of 100.

Jack Swagger Over Everyone Else Following His Retrieval Of The Briefcase.
 
RAAAAWRBRIEFCASEGOOD!


Segment 6 – Triple (Wait, What Am I Doing This Low On The Card?) H vs. (Yay, I’m On The Card!) Sheamus.

Vice: Wait a tick. Triple H.. at Wrestlemania.. and NOT in a title match? Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

It’s kind of ridiculous to think about, but it’s true. It’s good. He doesn’t need another title match, and Sheamus, just by getting in the ring with his workout buddy… er.. opponent.. Triple H, it gives him a hell of a rub. I can’t see Sheamus sticking around for a number of years and becoming a huge name or anything, but he’s becoming a solid talent for WWE to have possession of. I’d also like to point out that Sheamus is so incredibly white that he makes Triple H look black. Triple H is way too dark anyway, but bloody hell does it really show here. I really want to see #ffffff Sheamus take on #000000 R-Truth just to see the difference in color, just like it’s always fun to see someone like Hornswoggle go up against a guy like Khali.

This match was not epic or great by any means, but it was very fundamentally sound. It was just a good wrestling match that did good things for both men involved. Triple H was very good here, and made Sheamus look like a million bucks. Sheamus kept up and played his role perfectly. I didn’t have high hopes going into this match, but they definitely exceeded my expectations.

I don’t think I’d ever want to watch it again, but for what it needed to accomplish, it was a perfect match.

Ms.Cewsh: Eh, the match is perfectly fine. If it had been the second main event on a lesser PPV, I probably would have even said it was good. It just wasn’t very exciting, compared to the rest of the show.

They’re both more than capable in the ring. The moves all look good. Trips does a good job of making Sheamus look like a total badass, before ending the match out of nowhere. Again, not bad. Just not the caliber of the show.

65 out of 100.

Cewsh: A lot of times, on shows like this, matches that are full of excitement and emotion get all the attention when the show first airs, because the grip you and you remember them and they’re all you can think about. When you look back at the show, eventually those memories are really all that you remember, which is why people don’t remember any of Tito Santana’s Wrestlemania matches, but they remember all of the Undertaker’s. But on big long cards like this where the excitement can really burn out the crowd and thrown off the show, sometimes you just need a solid, well wrestled match of a substantial length to bring you down to earth so that they can fire you right back up.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m referring to this match when I say that, because that’s exactly the purpose it served. Right smack in the middle of the show, these two have a great and simple contest here that the crowd ate up eagerly. It was a fantastic bookend to the fast paced excitement of the first hour to calm the fans back down, and both of these guys look like champs as Sheamus dominates for most of the match, while Triple H does everything he can to put him over. Sheamus looks like a beast for bullying Triple H all the way through the match, Triple H looks like….Triple H for pulling out the win despite it with his wily veteran tactics. Everything was just solid and good.

You may not remember this match right now, with everything else still so vivid in your mind. But scoop this show up 5 years from now. I think this match will pleasantly surprise you.


80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Triple H over Sheamus Following The Pedigree.


Segment 7 – CM (Chosen Messiah) Punk vs. Rey (Na’Vi) Mysterio.

Cewsh: Now this match has interesting written in big bold letters all over it.

CM Punk, who has been tirelessly leading his band of misfits as their messiah and leader now has the opportunity to force Rey Mysterio to join the Straight Edge Society with a win here, which would not only add a new member to his army, but also be able the most humiliating thing imaginable for Rey to have to endure (bonus!) Rey, for his part, wanted a Street Fight to kick Punk’s monkey loving ass ass over Phoenix, but he’s having to settle for a normal match, and rather than simply tear into Punk, he has to be more careful, because with one slip he could become Punk’s glorified slave. Of course to me that’s not such a bad thing, but different strokes for different folks.

As per the custom of his awesomeness, Punk cuts a promo on the crowd on the way to the ring, getting them riled right the fuck up and getting them in Rey’s corner automatically. Which is good, because THIS year Rey has elected to pay homage to the movie Avatar by getting the colors wrong, and randomly stapling a braid of hair to his mask. That’s sort of like if I wanted to pay homage to Weekend At Bernie’s (for some reason), and choose to dress up like Betelgeuse because he was also a dead guy. But hey, at least the crowd is into Rey.

But They’d Like Him Alot More In 3D!


These two got started, and I expected them to launch into an awesome match, like the ones I’d seen them have before, but somehow it just didn’t come together here. Maybe it was because of the lack of time that they got (about 7 minutes), perhaps it was that Rey’s offense loses its luster more and more every day. Maybe it’s simply because these two and Punk especially, deserve MORE. But we didn’t get it here. All we got is a shadow of the match that they could have had, and the very first truly disappointing moment of the night.

74 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: This is another match that I just wasn’t really looking forward to. I really don’t like Rey, but I can’t see him losing and joining the SES. Their whole feud has seemed kind of thrown together for me.

Still, the match was pretty good, until the end. I enjoyed the way Serena and Luke worked at ring side. I LOVED Punk catching Rey when he went for the stupid 619. There were good spots and some storytelling. All in all, I liked it.

Until a 5’2” 35 year old, with shot knees and no momentum, went over one of the biggest up-and-coming stars with a terrible, contrived move that no one buys or pops for anymore. Boo.

61 out of 100.

Vice: When will wrestlers learn to not get their families involved in wrestling? Every time they bring their wife or kids into the building, something happens to them. Sure it creates a good bit of drama, but it just makes the wrestlers look like fucking idiots. Then again, if you are a face you are automatically 189% dumber and stronger, just like you are 189% more intelligent and cowardly if you are a heel. With very few exceptions.

Before I talk about the match, I want to say right now that CM Punk is God. I’m so glad that WWE saw so much in him and have gotten a shitload of use out of him. His SES stuff is incredible. Best mic worker in WWE? I think so.

Rey still irritates the shit out of me with his retarded antics and how every single match of his revolves around him hitting an idiotic move that needs to be set up in such dumb, contrived ways. He’s good at getting a ton of sympathy and taking a beating, but every bit of his offense makes me want to kill kittens. Also, he always has dumb Wrestlemania costumes. Last year he rocked The Joker because The Dark Knight was the hot thing, and it looked like a joke gone wrong. Now that Avatar is/was such a hot thing, guess what he is dressed up as. Man does he look stupid, too.

The match wasn’t bad by any means, but it was just horrendously underwhelming and disappointing. That’s all there really is to say about it. I wasn’t expecting a five star match of the year or anything, but it just felt like a Smackdown match.

I like Punk’s GI Joe attire because it fits with his Cobra tattoo, but it looked very out of character for him for some reason. Though after thinking about it a bit, it makes sense for him to be wearing it in this match. Avatar was about the military forcing themselves on the Na’vi, much like GI Punk wants Rey’vi to join the Straightedge Society. But if they did that on purpose, it’s kind of silly.

Just sayin’.

Segment 8 – Bret (Welcome Back) Hart vs. Vince (Please Go Away) McMahon.

Cewsh: Okay, I said that Mysterio/Punk was disappointing, right? Right. That match was Christmas Day all Bill Gate’s house compared to this match.

To start, Bret Hart comes to the ring, ready for the match that was agreed to with Vince. However Vince comes out onto the stage with a microphone and declares that he has bought some help for the match, and he found a guest referee and some lumberjacks. The guest referee is Bruce Hart, Bret’s brother, and the lumberjacks are Bret’s entire extended family, still in their fancy dresses and suits from the Hall of Fame ceremony. Bret looks sad about this, and the Hart family looks positively delighted to be screwing him over.

Unfortunately for Vince, though, when he gets in the ring, Bret grabs the mic and reveals that his family has actually expected to double cross VINCE and that even though he paid them, they’re going to side with Bret anyway. Bret then proceeds to beat up a defenseless Vince McMahon for about 17 hours, stopping occasionally to throw him to the lumberjacks outside so that they can set about him or, more accurately, flee in startlement and help not one iota. This does involve one cool spot where David Hart Smith holds up Vince so that Tyson Kid can give him the Hart Attack from the top rope to the floor. Then Bret sits in a chair for awhile, watching Vince struggle on the ground, before teasing the Sharpshooter about 80 times and then finally locking it in, making Vince tap immediately, and marking the incredibly anticlimactic ending of this match.

So yeah, this match was garbage, but the oddest thing was that it wasn’t his fault. Bret’s part was clumsy at points and not virtuoso, but compared to everyone else, he was a goddamn superstar. The family had no idea what to do, Bruce as the ref blocked all kinds of camera shots due to inexperience, and the worst part of the entire match was Vince who, after years of surprising us in matches thanks to his great character work and dramatic selling, simply brought nothing to this match whatsoever. His selling was bad, his charisma was nonexistent. It’s like everybody phoned this one in.

I wish I had gotten the call too so I could have known to not get my hopes up.

56 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: …

OK, this match isn’t for me. I’m too new for Bret Hart or any of the drama surrounding the Hart family. To me, this makes no sense. Why would Vince buy the Harts? Why would the Harts do a double cross after Vince bought them? Why would the first several minutes of the match involve the Hart Dynasty, not Bret, wrestling? It’s not a match, it’s an angle, letting everyone who holds Vince accountable for the Screwjob have a nice revenge fantasy.

It makes for a pretty terrible match if you’re not one of those people. Still, Vince is pretty hardcore to take THIRTEEN chair shots.

40 out of 100.

Vice: I’m just going to say this right now, because I’m not going to dance around saying this. This was fucking awful. Completely terrible in every way imaginable. I know that Bret had his career ended ages ago, suffered a stroke and generally isn’t the best of shape, so he’s not going to be having a match on the level of his Wrestlemania match with Steve Austin right here with Vince. I wasn’t even really expecting much of a match to begin with– maybe like 4-5 minutes of Bret beating up Vince in a feel good moment.

The second Vince brought out the Hart family, it was the most obvious thing in the world that Vince was fucking himself over. Isn’t Vince supposed to be smart? Yet here he is being the biggest idiot this side of Konnan at Triplemania. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, perhaps you should read the review we did! Nudge nudge. Anyway, this was all just done so wrong.

It went on for-fucking-ever, and nobody really gave that much of a shit about it. How I see it, there are two simple ways they could have gone about doing this all. First one is something much simper, with it just being Vince and Bret, with Bret kicking the crap out of Vince for a few minutes, eventually knowing him out. Then he applies the Sharpshooter for the tapout victory. Or even have Vince unconscious so Bret can yell “RING THE BELL!”. Or, have Bret reveal that the Hart Family is in on it, and have the entire family just dogpile Vince and ruin him 3 seconds later, followed up by a sharpshooter. This just went on way too long and was incredibly dull.

I don’t care how limited Bret is in the ring. After so many years and this being his first match in WWE since 1997, this should have been huge and satisfying, much like my cock. The one I have in my dreams, anyway. But this was about as exciting as a main event in IWA:MS featuring Ian Rotten and Viper.

Gotta say though, it’s good to finally see a great looking sharpshooter. It doesn’t seem like that hard of a move to do, yet everyone else’s is a complete joke.

Shown: A Good Sharpshooter.
Not Shown: The Rock.

Bret Hart Over Vince McMahon Following The Sharpshooter.



Segment 9 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Chris (Great Heel) Jericho © vs. Edge (Greater Heel).

Ms.Cewsh: Edge’s entrance = greatness. They’ve been a little…ordinary this year, so I’m pleased that Edge’s was nice.

I know a lot of people hate this feud for the build, but I kind of like it. They weren’t tag team partners or great friends for so long that I’d expect them to build the feud over that. The Spear is an iconic move and it’s fun to chant. Why not?

Speaking of the chant, thank God for it. It woke up a totally dead crowd.

The match is quite good, but I had a little trouble getting into it because of the dead crowd. Once they woke up, I felt a lot better about the whole thing. I even like the end, because the feud clearly isn’t over.

77 out of 100.

Post match: I loved the Spear off the table.

SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!


Gave the fans the Spear they wanted to see, Jericho retained, and we’ll get a tables match at Extreme Rules or something. Plus crazy Edge is hot and fun to see.

Cewsh: I sat at the computer for a long time trying to figure out what to say about this match, and I found it really hard. Ordinarily this sort of thing just kind of flows naturally, but when it comes to this match I was really drawing a blank. I couldn’t figure out why this was until I realized that the main reason is that I couldn’t remember one single thing about this match before the Spear after the match was over. So I watched it again and then one more time, and you know what? I felt exactly the same.

This match suffered from a number of crippling problems. The crowd was 100% dead after the Bret/Vince debacle, which meant that all of Edge’s offense came off super flat, Edge is clearly still a little bit rusty in the ring, and may be struggling with trying to adapt to being a main event face when he has no experience in it, and Chris Jericho, for all his skills and bright points, has proven to me over the years that when someone who is hurt or is lacking in some way needs to be carried, he isn’t the guy for the job. It didn’t work with Triple H in 2002, it didn’t work with John Cena at Survivor Series in 2008, and it just doesn’t work here. Chris Jericho isn’t someone who can have an entire match by himself. He needs a strong foil to be at his best, and Edge either wasn’t ready or wasn’t capable of providing that.

Ultimately, it really is a shame that so much conspired against these guys here, because I think that at another time in another way they could have a great match together. But that night was not tonight, and that place was not here.

73 out of 100.

Vice: atnumbers wanted me to mention that this is how Jericho’s Wrestlemania 18 should have played out. Going up against a big returning star that is coming into the match as a challenger via Royal Rumble victory, and not being in the main event. And Jericho helping their crippled asses to a solid match. Rock/Hogan really should have gone last that night, as Jericho and Triple H’s match suffered horrendously because of going after it. I think there was more to that, but it’s 6:53am as of now, and I just can’t remember. So he will explain things if you ask him, I’m sure. SEE AT? I LISTENED TO YOU.

I still feel like Edge was rushed back way too quickly, and he really, really, really, really sucks as a face. Everything about him screams heel. Heel facial expressions. Heel mannerisms. Heel look. Heel personality. Everything heel. Yet he is face. And it sucks. His spear is downright horrible too, even though that’s common knowledge. I don’t know how he’s allowed to keep using it and building a match/feud around one of the weakest looking moves in wrestling today. Rey Mysterio having a knockout punch for a finisher seems like it’d almost be more credible.

This was a solid match, but I wouldn’t call it anything special. For a title match at, say, uh, one of their PPVs without gimmick matches for the main events (are there any left?), this would have gotten the job done just fine. But at Wrestlefuckingmania, this just doesn’t cut it for a title match. Enjoyable, but that’s about it.

Jericho picking up the win was a bit of a surprise, and I enjoyed it. Last Sunday in TNA-land I was rooting for Doug Williams to retain, and was elated to see Jericho retain here. “Ridiculous” is all I have to say.

The post-match stuff was kind of neat. Edge flipped his shit and gave Jericho a disgusting spear off the announcer tables. But that brings me to a little rant I’d like to make about how spots are set up. See, to me that spot was just illogical. If you’re laid out on a table, wouldn’t you just.. I dunno.. roll off it? Why would you stand up on top of it? But that’s just me nitpicking the shit out of things. It’s wrestling. It was enjoyable. I enjoyed it. I don’t have any real complaints.

Well, maybe that the feud will continue, but whatever.

Chris Jericho Over Edge Following The Codebreaker.


Segment 10 – Team Beth (Beth Phoenix, Eve, Kelly Kelly, Mickie James and Gail Kim) vs. Team Vickie (Vickie Guerrero, Michelle McCool, Layla, Maryse, and Alicia Fox.)

Ms.Cewsh: *sigh* WWE, why do we have to do this? I’ve been really, really nice to you lately. Now you’re going to make me say mean things.

This is Team Beth. Why are they playing Eve’s music? Goddamn it.

I love Vickie, but I do not want her to wrestle. Ever. Like seriously now.

OK, seriously, what the hell? Not a single person tagged in after Michelle ran in on Vickie. The ref was clearly doing the 5 count, but never threw anyone out. He TOLD MICHELLE TO LEAVE, and then…

FFOIPLSFUDI[DFIKASDJisjl'[sjfpjeS]JL[IOSJ A FUCKING “HOG” SPLASH? I SWEAR TO GOD WE’RE GOING TO FUCKING GO COLE, COME ON. THIS IS BULLSHIT. I’M SICK OF DEFENDING THIS FUCKING COMPANY. JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE.

Seriously?! Seriously! No. Bad WWE. No treats for you.

14 out of 100.

Vice: This was one of the worst matches I’ve ever seen. It was just a silly segment with Vickie, and then everyone hit their finishers on each other in a sloppy way, followed up by Vickie Guerrero “hog”splashing Kelly Kelly (who was knocked DEAD a few minutes earlier). To make things even worse, Vickie completely messed up a PIN. Yes, a PIN. She gets to 2.5, messes it up, thinks she has it won, then kinda flops on Kelly’s corpse a few times before McCool has to yell “STAY ON HER” until the ref gets to 3, finally. Then as Vickie gets up to celebrate, you get a hint of thong. Just thought I’d point that out.

She Messed Up Laying Down On Top Of Someone.


But let’s not get off topic here. Jesus fuck this was an abomination of a “match”. This was just embarrassing on so many levels. Yeah, I’m generally not high on women’s wrestling, but this match was just booked so utterly poorly. They deserve better than this, as painful as it is to say.

Cewsh: My fellow reviewers have claimed that this match is bad. This match is not bad. It is fucking miserable. This is the single worst thing that has happened physically inside of a WWE ring during a Wrestlemania. That is not a misprint, nor is it an exaggeration; I well and truly think that this is the single further low that WWE has ever sunk to in terms of presenting us with something under the guise of a wrestling match, that is frankly a goddamn debacle. Every move was botched, the match had no purpose, nobody knew what to do, it was over in a flash and every single woman who participated in this match looks worse for having done so. They virtually killed the entire WWE women’s division in this one match.

And the worst fucking part is that people just accepted it as par for the course. That’s fucking pathetic and so was the match. Just absolute fucking garbage.

11 out of 100.

Team Vickie Over Team Beth Following The Hog Splash From Vickie To Kelly.



Segment 11 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Bat(shit Insane)ista © vs. John (Got A Christmas Card From Vice) Cena.

Cewsh: I loved this match.

Hold on, I have to dodge a punch from Vice.

Okay, yes, I loved this match. In fact, I FUCKING loved this match. Everything about it, from the build up that made complete and total sense, with Batista being jealous of John Cena’s role of the figurehead of the WWE, to his willingness to do whatever he felt like doing to please himself and to prove he was the better man, it all just flowed from a very real and understandable place, and as a result the match started off right from the get go with an unmistakably fantastic atmosphere.

The people were buzzing the second these two men entered the ring, and that’s another thing I loved about it. John Cena and Batista saved this show. If they had put Bret/Vince on before Michaels/Taker, it would have murdered that match dead, because without an excited and lively crowd, you can never pull off the level of complex emotion necessary to tell their story. So instead of that they put Cena and Batista on before it, two men who, regardless of how you feel about them, make you REACT in some way. It wasn’t long into this match before the fans stopped sitting on their hands and came to life again, and I would hate to think what might have happened to the end of this show if they hadn’t.

The match was quality as well, though not either man’s best work, as they both ripped into each other explosively and effectively, which was exciting to watch, and then proceeded to no sell everything, which was less so. Batista turned in a surprisingly good performance by being the guy who did most of the actual selling and story telling here, because John Cena didn’t seem particularly interested in those two avenues of thought. Still, it was a back and forth contest that I enjoyed quite a bit, and at the end, when Batista finally had to tap out and concede that on this night John Cena was the better man, and Cena sprinted out to go rub it in the faces of the people in the front row who had come to hate on him, I couldn’t help but crack a grin. He never sells, he’s bland as hell, I hate him as champion and his merchandise it awful. But fucked if I can’t help loving John Cena.

I Mean, Look At How Adorable He Is.


God help us all, the Champ Is Here.


86 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: I don’t love either of these men, although heel Bats is causing me to change my mind. I also don’t love their styles. Still, the crowd is so into this match, there’s no way not to get caught up in it.

It isn’t the greatest match. I really can’t tell you anything about it, or any spots they do. The callback to Summerslam is good. The end sucks. Cena can’t sell. It’s still hard not to like it.

81 out of 100.

Vice: It must be said that the video package for this match was fucking great. Everything it needed to be.

Batista is out first, which irritates me. The champ should cgme out second, but you have to make room for Cena’s next terrible Wrestlemania entrance. Look, he played a marine in a movie. A really bad movie. And it was years ago. He’s not a marine, so this whole saluting bullshit needs to go. It’s all fucking retarded. When 12 Rounds came out, shouldn’t have he become a cop? I guess that’s not patriotic enough.

Having said all that, I actually was looking forward to match quite a bit. Cena and Batista are massive names that haven’t wrestled a bajillion times like most top games, and 5 years ago is when they both cemented themselves as stars of the company and have been taking faces ever since. So this is pretty damn epic and OH WAIT IT INVOLVES CENA.

Fuck this match.

But on a more serious note, fuck this match. There was a ton of great shit in here, but Cena was a fucktard with his selling. I know that by now I’ve beaten the “Cena is a massively shit seller” dead horse into oblivion, but it’s true. Batista is working over John Cena’s neck because he broke it before, and John Cena wisely starts HEADBUTTING Batista. And not I’m about to die/last ditch effort headbutting. HEADBUTTING. He can be a great worker, has all the tools he will ever need to be phenomenal, but can be utterly fucking clueless in the ring when it comes to many things. Yet somehow he gets a free pass for all of this, and I get called a heretic for pointing it out. Whatever.

Batista is awesome, Cena is a gay. When it comes to who should be the face of WWE of these two, I’d totally vote Batista. He dresses better, doesn’t look like an idiot, doesn’t make poop jokes on talk shows, has awesome sunglasses and suits, and is just more awesome than Cena will ever be.

I did like the finish of the match (KIND OF), because it went along with the feud in a way. Batista hung on as long as he could, but when he realized he had lost, he did that nice, slow “goddammit….” tap out instead of the typical heel “EEYGAHEAAAYYYYY THIS HURTS!!!” quick slamming of the hand tap out. It was more than just a match for Batista. It was more than just losing his title. He lost his pride and made that clear.

The part of the finish I didn’t like was, of course, John Cena winning the title, which is about as predictable as the sun setting in the evening. And, while not nearly as bad as previous title wins, he pretty much shrugged off the damage and exhaustion of a long match against a war mech like Batista, and smiled and frolicked around like a fairy.

Yay Batista though. Great performance from him. It’s amazing how legitimately good he’s been able to perform over the years. When he first came in, he was just a big dude that seemed like he’d be around for 3 weeks and forgotten about. With the right pairing, the right feud, a lot of luck, a lot of hard work, and he’s become a great worker.

John Cena Over Batista Following The STFU.


Segment 12 – Career vs. Streak – Shawn (Legend) Michaels vs. The (Legend) Undertaker.

Cewsh: Hollywood couldn’t have done it better.

Professional wrestling is a hobby, and not one that is particularly well thought of by the populace at large. It can brutal, bigoted, nonsensical, and childish in the same segment, and that’s without grown men forcing their employees to physically kiss their ass or for a man to orgasm over getting the opportunity to wear another man’s magic ring. Frankly, it can be a hard hobby to defend and a harder one to rationalize at times. Many of us (including at least one member of this review team) are so under pressure by the negative stigma around professional wrestling that they actually deny that they even enjoy it. So why, with all of the bad that comes with being a professional wrestling fan in America today, do we keep watching?

This is why. Moments like this.

The back story behind this match is a simple one, but has an infinitely deceptive depth to it. Simply put, Shawn Michaels wanted a rematch with the Undertaker. Now in a lesser program, this could have been accomplished by anything from Shawn stealing a mysterious urn of the Undertakers, or pretending to have sex with a mannequin dressed like the Undertaker’s deceased ex girlfriend. But here the difference is that the Undertaker said no. In doing so he set a fire under Shawn Michaels that gained more and more momentum until it consumed him whole. He fed D-Generation X to that fire. He fed his friendship with Triple H to it. His pride, his morals, his perspective, all casualties to the all consuming obsession that the Heartbreak Kid developed in the wake of his loss to the Undertaker. All he wanted was just one chance to prove his worth. With a superkick that cost the Undertaker his World Heavyweight Championship at WWE Elimination Chamber, Shawn Michaels got that chance, but it had a hook in it as devilish as the need itself. If Shawn Michaels lost this match, he would have to retire from wrestling forever. The greatest and most definitive victim of the Undertaker’s Wrestlemania dominance. But if he could somehow win, then he would go down in wrestling history as the man who did what could not be done. As the man who slayed the giant.

Flash back now to the career of Shawn Michaels. To the countless matches that defied any description save slack jawed awe, to the jokes that made you laugh, and the moments that made you hope. Here is one of the great performers in any industry that you may care to name, a true original made entirely of arrogance and grace. Think back now to the match with Stone Cold Steve Austin at Wrestlemania 14 that we were sure would be his last, as he retired in shame, broken inside and out. Think to when he made his triumphant return, reborn in every way possible to give us a whole new decade worth of memories. Shawn Michaels has come to represent everything there is to be loved about World Wrestling Entertainment and professional wrestling itself, blending skill and entertainment in equal parts to find his way into nearly all of our hearts. He is quite possibly the greatest wrestler ever to wrestle a match. And this match could be his last.

The entrances were simple. Shawn came down like it was any other night, shimmying his way to the ring as the crowd cheered his name. The Undertaker rose from the shadows in the darkness of the blacked out Phoenix night ready to fight.


When the bell rang, the crowd took a collective breath, and never got the chance to let it out. The Undertaker threw everything at Shawn Michaels, punishing him for the transgressions Shawn had to commit to simply be in this ring on this night, and he spared nothing in his desire to end the career of the only man who had ever had the gall to call him out so brazenly. Chokeslams, clothesline, punches, and a Tombstone Piledriver to the floor outside the ring that looked so brutal that the match could easily have ended right there. But Shawn Michaels concentrated on the leg of the Undertaker, injuring it thoroughly and rendering the Undertaker a hobbling shell of himself. And then, with both men injured and fearing the end, the real dance began. The next minutes blur together as each man gains and loses the advantage, trying new moves to put away the other for good.

The Undertaker hits a Last Ride, but Shawn Michaels lays him on the announce table and flies through the air with a picture perfect moonsault, landing on the Undertaker’s injured leg and driving it and the both of them directly through the table. Michaels finally rolls the Undertaker into the ring and delivers an atomic bomb of a Sweet Chin Music superkick, nearly taking the Deadman’s head off, yet even this is not enough to claim the victory. The Undertaker recovers slowly but eventually manages to answer with a devastating Tombstone, the second one in the match, and the move that ended Shawn’s hopes last year, and yet even this is not enough to end him. At this point the Undertaker can only look on in disbelief as Shawn struggles to rise, climbing up the legs and chest of his adversary; his heart so willing to fight, but his body no longer able.

The Undertaker goes to signal yet another Tombstone with his signature throat slitting hand motion, but in mid motion he halts, looking down at his broken, but not yet defeated foe. And for the first time, we see the Undertaker sag.


He begs Shawn Michaels to stay down, his eyes saying that he has nothing left to give and is for the first time in his life uncertain about what to do. But this is Shawn Michaels’ night, and he will not be a charity case. He performs the Undertaker’s own throat slitting gestures to the shock of the Undertaker and then bitch slaps the Undertaker in the face.


His mind made up for him, the Undertaker grabs Shawn, lifts him up for the Tombstone and leaps high into the air, bringing Shawn’s body crashing down to earth in the most definitive and destructive use of that move that I have ever seen. 1…Mr. Wrestlemania…2…The Showstopper…3. Shawn Michaels. Rest in Peace.

After the match is finally done, the Undertaker, hobbling around something fierce, gets his 18-0 celebration for continuing the streak, and lifts Shawn up to his feet to shake the hand of his old friend. Shawn then receives a prolonged standing ovation from everyone in attendance, shaking hands as he leaves and memorably stating “My kids’ll be sick of me in three weeks!” And then, with one last pose on the stage to remember him by, he was gone, and Jerry Lawler speaks for all of us as he says “Goodbye Shawn. We’ll miss you.”

Obviously this more than a simple match, so grading it is somewhat difficult. Despite my emotions possibly (no, definitely) clouding my ability to fully objectively view this match, what actually happened in the ring probably wasn’t quite as good as their match last year, where their only job was to have a great match, which they emphatically did. This match was much more about each man trying to hit every finisher they knew in an attempt to finally end things and get some peace, and such single mindedness might have detracted from what really happened in the ring.

It MIGHT have, if the atmosphere, the fans, the story, and the performances of both men hadn’t been as close to perfect as anything we’re ever likely to know. The Undertaker, especially, put on perhaps the single greatest performance of his career, showing vulnerability and heart. I simply can’t say enough for both men here. There’s no doubt about it. If you haven’t watched this match already then you are missing something once in a lifetime. If an 80 out of 100 is something you should download. And a 90 out of 100 is an award rarely given out due to its definitive stamp of quality approval, tell me. What does this score mean?


100 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Platinum Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: I cannot do this match justice. I can’t even try. When it comes to big matches like this, I’ll leave the flowery poetry to my compatriots.

Some will remember that I liked this match last year, but I didn’t love it. It was good, but it was missing something. What it was missing, was the real, genuine emotion of tonight.

The only critique that can possibly be made is a small production snafu, where the camera jumps to a shot of the ramp right after the Tombstone on the floor. That was the first time I considered the possibility of interference, and I’m really glad it was only a glitch. Shenanigans would have ruined the magic these men created in the ring.

Shawn’s Moonsault through the table, oh my god. Heart in throat, stuff.

I can’t even write about the rest. The end…I just stared in shock. I

I can’t believe it, and I still haven’t processed it. Shawn is just so iconic for me. He’s one of the men who brought me into this hobby. I never get tired of watching him. And tonight, when he’s in such better shape than Taker, still wrestling full time, he’s leaving. I naively never let myself think that this could be his end. To signal his own end and then leave with nary a word, really, I’m devastated.

Thank you, Shawn.

98 out of 100.

Vice: I loved the entrances here. Last year it was all about mind games and Shawn being on the same level as Taker, so him descending from the heavens clad in white was not only pretty damn slick, but it made a good bit of sense. In terms of fancy, completely unnecessary but awesome ring entrances because you have way too much money to spend and think Wrestlemania is bigger than it really is, of course. This time around, Shawn isn’t fucking around. He comes out with a normal entrance, which I loved. No games, no nonsense. Shawn is all business. Undertaker has a fairly simple (for him at Wrestlemania) entrance from him involving a platform lifting him up from beneath the stage. He also had a wicked outfit. His usual coat and the giant hat are all well and good, but he had a sleeveless coat and a fucking HOOD. Seriously, the dude looked like a bad motherfucker. I hope he keeps it, because going back to the giant hat is going to be one hell of a downgrade.

Moving on, though..

Here at Cewsh Reviews, I have a very tough job. See, I watch wrestling and review it. Most of the time I don’t have many nice things to say about what’s been presented to me. Sometimes, when it’s a shit federation like IWA:MS, people go “ahahahhaa Vice that is funny! tell us more about how crappy everything was!”, but when something is universally seen as perfectly brilliant, then that is when things get very tricky for me. See, my job is to tell you folks how I feel, but at the same time, my health insurance isn’t very good. Cewsh does not provide me with health insurance, so all I have is a policy that covers catastrophic events. So while that does cover the pitchforks I’ve had rammed into my chest, it does not cover the rocks that people throw through my window which hit my head. It’s just painful, so I please ask that you stop doing that. Also, it’s even worse when you knock over my diet sodas. That’s just dickish.

So why am I mentioning all of this right now? Oh right, because outside of a hot (…and cinematic…) ending, I thought the match was a sloppy pile of FINISHERZ dung compared to their previous encounters. Yeah, I said it. Sure it was a big match and wrestled in epic fashion and all that mumbo jumbo, but it didn’t have that extra goodness to truly draw me into the match like last year. If there is one thing bad about their match from Wrestlemania 25, it’s that it was too good. Better than their Hell in a Cell or other matches in ’97? Debatable for sure. But that was a whole different time period and they were both entirely different people, which makes it impossible to compare properly. But this was the sequel, so yes, it can be compared quite well.

Their previous contest just had an epic aura to it, and they played off it perfectly. Perfect match, no, but it was perfect for what it was and what it could have been. This match had an epic feel going in and, well, I think that’s about it as far as epic goes. Sure there was some good work amidst the 72 finishers on display, but all of it really took me out of the match big time. You can have a match with a lot of finishers if they’re built to in such a great way, but when it’s just finisherfinisherfinisher, then it gets kind of silly. Plus, I have said this before many times, I absolutely fucking hate that Shawn never kicks out at 2.9999999999 like he should. He always kicks out right after 2, so you never get those magical OH MY GOD HE’S DEAD THIS IS IT HOLY SHIT IT WASN’T OH MAN THIS IS GLORIOUS near falls. It doesn’t matter if you give him a suplex one minute into a match or a tombstone after 30 minutes, he’s kicking out at the same time every time. It’s a minor complaint, but it really does annoy me a lot of the time.

The finish was all kinds of cool, and the thought of Michaels knowing he’s defeated and more or less loading Undertaker’s gun for him to finish him off was a great moment. However, it does lose points for being a touch too cinematic, a common complaint of mine with WWE’s product. You can have a match that plays out realistically right until the very end, until it shifts into what looks like a Hideo Kojima (of Metal Gear Solid fame) cutscene, and I can almost see God of War style quick time events on my monitor as the finish is going on. Yes, it is COOL and I like what’s going on, but I can’t help but feel slighted that I don’t get to be actually doing that stuff on my screen during those video game cutscenes, much like I’d almost rather them just do the finish naturally in the wrestling ring. This is wrestling, not a bloody Hollywood film starring Jack Bauer. But no matter how much I bitch, I know that the overproduction will not disappear for quite some time, if ever. But I’m going to beat my fists against the wall until I break all my bones and lose numerous pints of blood anyway. To quote Shawn Michaels, “why? ..because I can.”

It was a great match, don’t me wrong, and by far the best of the night, but it isn’t a flawless match by any means. It was very entertaining, but if it didn’t have the epic finish, I don’t think everyone would be simultaneously jerking off over it as much as they are doing right now as I type this.

And since I’m sure all of you reading this are frothing with pure rage at my hurtful words, and since I have you on the ropes in such a manner, I’m going to hit you with my finishing move. The post-match stuff with the respect was great, and the send-off was pretty lovely too.. but…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Would it have hurt Michaels to sell death and the end of his career just a TINY bit more?

The Undertaker Over Shawn Michaels Following The Tombstone Piledriver.





—————————–






Cewsh’s Conclusion:


Cewsh: Man, talk about an up and down show. Wrestlemania XXVI will go down in Cewsh Reviews history as containing both the highest score I’ve ever given a match, and the lowest score I’ve ever given a match (that I graded fairly, and not out of sheer spite). In between was some good quality stuff, and a lot of matches that just plain missed the mark and were disappointing. Add that to the fact that they scaled back the elaborate ring entrances this year and the fact that the crowd was dead for a fourth of the show, and you have a tricky experience to describe.

But when I think back to this show, I think I’m going to have to try hard to remember the bad things. It’s going to be tough, because the Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels is not only the match from this show I’ll remember, but it is a moment in time that I will never forget. Was it worth the whole show for that one match? Yes, it would have been. And luckily there was some other good stuff too. So one way or another, I got my money’s worth, and that’s all I need to know.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 71.1 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh’s Melancholy:


Ms. Cewsh: When I think back on this show, it will be a one match night. Taker/Michaels was so amazing and so emotional, the rest of the show pales in comparison.

Even without it, it would’ve been an above average show. The tag match was too short, but full of great athleticism. The Triple Threat was shockingly great. MITB was a bit of a botch-fest, but I didn’t feel it really detracted. Really, except from the complete train-wreck of a Women’s match, I’d have to say it was an amazing show.

Of course the Women’s Match and Bret/Vince keep my score from reflecting that. Sometimes I hate averages.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 67.8 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:


Vice: Overall, this show was a bit of a letdown. On paper it was a giant show with oodles of potential. For the most part though, things just didn’t quite click like they should have. It had one epic match in Undertaker/Michaels which was very special, and the rest of the show was either awful, a let down, or just standard PPV quality. If this was a regular show, this would have been stellar. But for a Wrestlemania with such a potentially ridiculous card, I can’t help but feel like this is a massive disappointment. 

Vice’s Final Score: 71 out of 100.

Vice’s Awards:

 Alright, that’ll do it for us for this week and for this review year, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our Wrestlemania blowout extravaganza as much as we did, and we hope you enjoyed certain parts of it considerably MORE than we did. Now, with Wrestlemania over and the wrestling world in America restarting for the year, Cewsh Reviews is going to take this opportunity to take a little vacation. We’ll be back as just as good as ever just in time to cover TNA’s Lockdown PPV in two weeks, and we’ll be sure to keep you updated with Sunday Supplements and maybe even the occasional extra bonus Supplement here and there, so you don’t feel the lack. We’ll see you back here on the flipside, two weeks from now, or my name isn’t Orvelle Reddenbocker.

In the meantime, keep right on reading like always, and please, while we’re not here to watch you, be good to each other.


– The Cewsh Reviews Team.

The Wrestlemania 26 Preview Spectacular

Welcome Cewsh Reviewiphiles, to the one and only Cewsh Reviews Wrestlemania Preview Spectacular!

Well here we all are at last, on the very doorstep of the Showcase of the Immortals, WWE Wrestlemania XXVI. It’s been a long fun road to get here to the culmination of both the wrestling industry’s year and ours as well, and like any good final boss battle, this bad boy is going to require the proper amount of preparation and consideration. There will be plenty of that here as I run down all of the matches for you, taking a look at who has momentum, who is due for a great match, and who has the best hair, (not Sheamus.)

But if that was all we were here for, we’d be rotten party hosts, so we’re also all going to be predicting the winners of each match in our own ways. I’ll be using a fancy computer simulation to predict the winner, Ms. Cewsh will be utilizing our unsuspecting cat to divine the future, and Vice watched a lot of porn. Apparently these random and assorted methods are meant to determine how the show will shake out. How will porn and cats (hopefully not used together) divine the future?

Err…I better let them explain.


Vice: So with Wrestlemania coming up, obviously predictions will be in order. Because I get very bored just predicting stuff, and for some reason I’m usually wrong, I decided to spice things up this year. I thought to myself “….can porn predict wrestling?”

That will add necessary spice to things and will answer a question I’ve always wondered. And if by always I mean the last 8 seconds, then yes. Shit is about to be on like AWESOME KONG. You know it. So the basic way of determining a winner is by their breasts. Because I am a guy and love them, of course. Real breasts mean a face victory, because real ones, even if tiny, will always triumph over fake ones. Fake ones are obviously the heels because they’re fucking awful and thousands and thousands of girls ruin amazing boobs to get disgusting fake ones. To determine the finish, I am going to go with which hole the penis was in prior to the cumshot finale. Vagina is pinfall. Anal is submission. If there is no cumshot, it is a no contest. If I cannot survive until the cumshot for whatever reason, then it is a disqualification.

For this process, I’m going to different websites, doing different searches, and picking videos at random. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into.

And off we go!

Ms. Cewsh: There are a lot of ways to make predictions on a game or match. Some are logical, applying stats and records. Some are superstitious, using complicated fanboy-isms like what color shirt your best friend is wearing and whether or not they’ve showered. My favorite has always been the “can our mascot beat up your mascot” method.

Unfortunately, when Cewsh asked me to predict the winners of Mania, applying that formula to wrestling didn’t work out so well. So I fell back on my second favorite way, let an unsuspecting animal do it for you!

I wrote the match participants on a piece of paper, placed a cat treat in the middle, and let Sakura go at it. Whomever she ate first, winner.

Cewsh: As for me, I took advantage of a little computer game called Total Extreme Warfare (Available now at greydogsoftware.com and heartily recommended). Essentially it is a wrestling show booking simulator where you control a wrestling company and put together the shows and everything that goes along with it. I booked Wrestlemania exactly as the card looks now, and let the game itself choose the winners. Simple, straightforward and mathematical with not a kitty or titty in sight.

Sigh, I never get to have any fun.

Anyway, we’re going through these in order of where we think they’ll go on the card. What are we basing that on? YOUR FACE, that’s what. Let’s get to it.

Match 1 – The Money In The Bank Match

Cewsh: Now it only stands to reason that Money in the Bank will either kick this show off or come second, since it has every year before this one. It’ll get the crowd off to an incredibly exciting start and give them time to cool down from the crazy excitement before the important matches roll around. Aside from that, Money in the Bank is just the perfect formula for a match to start a big show. It’s a spotty, exciting match simply by definition, featuring a ton of high flying young stars (and Kane) vying for a shot at the titles we’ll see later. It doesn’t just get over the person who wins, but also makes the belts that will be contested later in the night seem more important after these guys go through hell for a shot at them.

As for who is going to win this year, the jury really is out on a serious favorite like Edge and RVD were in the past. Christian could finally break through the glass ceiling to a main event push with a win here, but he doesn’t necessarily have the momentum in his favor, and nothing in his return to WWE has really shown that they WANT to push him to those heights. McIntyre is another strong choice, as he’s got momentum through the roof, but as the current reigning Intercontinental champion, and with less than a year in the company, it may simply be too much too soon. And then there’s Kofi, who seemed like a shoo in before his recent, and drastic, depush. That would be after his inability to stay over following the whole Orton feud, and amidst rumors that he pissed off both John Cena and Randy Orton, which is a career move comparable to challenging Sylvester Stallone to an arm wrestling competition in Over The Line.

But at the very least we know who is NOT going to be winning, and those names include Evan Bourne, Kane, MVP, Matt Hardy and Shelton Benjamin. Sorry guys. See you in this same match next year!

Predictions:

Cewsh: Kofi Kingston.

TEW doesn’t give a ton of information on how the actual match goes, but they do seem to think that it’ll be one helluva match, with Kingston snatching the briefcase. This marks the first (but perhaps not the last) time that I hate the computer for its choice.

Ms. Cewsh: Kofi Kingston…maybe.

Sakura is a cat who likes her treats. She does not pass up treats. Upon leaping onto the MITB board, she made a beeline for Kofi and ate…half of him. She then went on to eat all of Bourne, Ziggles, MVP, McIntyre, skipped over Kofi again, Christian, the rest of Kofi, Swagger, Kane, Hardy, and lastly Shelton. I’m going to take this to mean Evan will rip Kofi entirely in two while he is dangling from the case and the match will have to be restarted on account of dead.

Vice: Matt Hardy.

How does porn predict this one? Well let me tell you. I had to come up with one hell of a system to pick out a winner when it came to a 10 person free for all ladder match. It also involved 10 women, because to make this credible, I can’t cut any corners. So, Vice, what exactly was your system? That is a good question, but unfortunately I will not explain it. You see, it was so extremely complicated and, yes, mathematical (sorry Mrs. Giaccio for doubting the use of mathematics), that it will be extremely hard to explain. It would take too much of my time. In fact, it was so complicated that I had to actually write it all down on a napkin. I’d scan the napkin, but.. erm.. let’s just leave it at that. Ahem.

Match 2 – The 10 Diva Tag Team Match.


Cewsh: It is SO HARD to not use the term “piss break” when it comes to this match, because that’s a shitty term to use to describe talented athletes plying their trade, and we’re better than that here at Cewsh Reviews.

However, if you really had something that needed to be done during this 4 hour show, be it putting the kids to bed, having some Randy Orton inspired sex, or just meeting the man who took your dog hostage to exchange the money at a rendezvous point, this is the match to do it during. Not only will the match quality likely dip towards the decidedly mediocre here, with so many inexperienced competitors and so many of them in the match together, but this match has so little hype and meaning behind it that you could seamlessly replace it with a match between Bugs Bunny and the Riddler with no hype whatsoever, and it would not be missed (mostly because that would be AWESOME.)

It’s hard to say who will actually come out on top here, because it’s hard to tell which of the two or three storylines crammed into this match will take center stage. With the inclusion of Vickie Guerrero, though, it stands to reason that this will all be a convoluted way to further her feud with Beth, so expect that to be the key factor in the end of this match.

Predictions:

Cewsh: Team Beth wins via Eve’s pinfall over Layla with a Sunset Flip.

Interestingly enough, the computer completely ignores any of the storylines in play here (it’s like the thing is a cold, unfeeling statistic simulator!) and decides that Eve will triumph over Layla in what would probably be about the most anticlimactic way for this match to possibly end. Thus far the computer is producing groan worthy results for this show, but I wouldn’t tell it that to its face, lest it…oh god, it can see me typing this, can’t it? OH GOD, IT DELETED MY HA

Ms. Cewsh: Team Beth.

Maybe she was still full after the MITB, but Saki wanted nothing to do with this match. It took me forever just to get her to notice her treats before reluctantly choosing Beth. Me too, honey.

Vice: Nobody.

Search: Piss Break
Title: Piss dragon
Tits: Real
Finish: None, really

Match 3 – No Holds Barred Match – Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon.

Cewsh: Now we hit the real meat of the show, as we get to the first of the 4 main events for this evening. Now unless you’ve been living under some kind of rock like device for the past decade, you know full well why this match is a huge fucking deal. In case you WERE living under said extreme conditions, we’ll summarize, though.

Bret Hart was once the biggest star in the WWE, and throughout the 90s there was noone in all of wrestling with a bigger and more dedicated fanbase than “The Hitman” Bret Hart. Vince had Bret and Shawn Michaels as his top stars all though the 90s until, in 1997, Bret decided to leave to go to the competing wrestling company, WCW. However he was the champion and Vince felt that he might take the title to WCW with him, so at Survivor Series 1997 he arranged a screwjob (famously coined the Montreal Screwjob) where he had referee Earl Hebner call for the bell and award Shawn Michaels with the title despite that very much NOT being the planned finish. Vince screwed Bret, Bret spit in Vince’s face, and things were as hot as molten lava between the two for all the years since. Until now.

On January 4th of this year, Bret made his historic return to WWE as a guest host of Raw, and buried the hatchet with long time adversary Shawn Michaels, forgiving him for his involvement in the badness. He extended the same forgiveness to Vince, who responded with a kick to the gut and weeks of serious mocking. So Bret came down with the master plan of faking a leg injury so Vince would accept a match with him at Wrestlemania under his terms, with Vince expecting an easy win. But it will be anything but for Vinny Mac, and for Bret and his legions of fans, this is payback 13 years in the making.

Now as far as the actual match itself goes, don’t expect a mat classic. Bret is a stroke survivor and has been out of wrestling for a decade, and Vince is a 70 year old man. However with these two and the history between them, this could easily be something very special, and it may well be the most anticipated match on the whole show to a large section of loyal fans. Historic, epic, and a match we thought we’d never see.



Predictions:

Cewsh: Vince wins via pinfall with the Stone Cold Stunner.

This is one of those times where you just have to laugh. Whoever made the mod that i’m using to simulate this show clearly thought that Vince McMahon’s finisher should be the Stone Cold Stunner, and not only CAN he do it, but this game has judiciously decided that he WILL use it to beat Bret Hart clean in the middle of the ring. I find this more than a little unlikely, but what if the computer means that Austin will interfere on behalf of McMahon? Now that would be quite the twist.

Ms. Cewsh: Mr.McMahon.

No hesitation.

Vice: Bret Hart.

Search: Stroke Victim
Title: English Police woman seduces a crime victim
Tits: Real
Finish: Pinfall

Match 4 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – SHOWMIZ (c) vs. MorTruth.

Cewsh: On the surface, this match may seem the definition of filler. You have two thrown together tag teams (though SHOWMIZ have been meshing better and better every day) with minimal build competing over titles that have only recently begun to develop any sort of value whatsoever. And yet there’s a little more to the picture than just that.

The first interesting note here is the ever present feud between The Miz and John Morrison, which is one of the most intriguing running storylines in recent memory. Not in years have two young wrestlers been so tied to each other all throughout their simultaneous rises to greatness, and whenever they stand in the ring together, you can see history unfolding right then and there. Theirs is a feud that will be so much more meaningful and important ten years from now than we can really realize now, when we have the power of retrospect at out disposal, but right now the closest thing I can compare it to is The Rock and Triple H. Here’s hoping they meet at the top in a similar way.

Another note is that the Big Show has really seen a career resurgence (yes, another one) as a member of tag teams, first with Jericho and now with Miz, and is really establishing himself as the perfect tag team foil for a smaller cocky heel. His timing is impeccable, his menace is a great as ever, and his work seemingly gets better every day.

And R-Truth is here too.

Predictions:

Cewsh: Showmiz via pinfall.

The computer was apparently very unimpressed by my attempts to hype this match up, because not only was this match short, but it was quite terrible.

I blame the ref.

Ms. Cewsh: MorTruth.

Again, no hesitation.

Vice: ShowMiz.

Search: Tag Team
Title: THE BEST TAG TEAM!!!!!
Tits: I don’t even fucking know. I am far too blinded by her tan lines to tell. Seriously, this girl is golden brown like a pizza crust, but her boobs and crotch are as white as Sheamus. Maybe even whiter. It is so amazingly hideous that I cannot help but genuinely laugh at what I’m watching. Jesus Christ. Seriously, is there anything worse than ridiculous tan lines?

Since a winner needs to be decided, THE COIN has been called upon. Heads – ShowMiz. Tails – R-Morr (like ARMOR). The coin has decided… HEADS.

Finish: Pinfall

Match 5 – Ted Dibiase vs. Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes.

Cewsh: This is a match that has been brewing for as long as Legacy has existed.

The thing about teams is that they never last forever, no matter how cohesive and dominant they may be at any given time. Legacy absolutely owned the year 2009, with Orton leading the way, especially in the beginning of the year, and putting on white hot matches and angles with everyone he faced. Dibiase and Rhodes, for their part, spent the better part of the year finding their tag team identity before finally blossoming into top flight performers in their feud with DX.

But all good things are destined to end, and the second Orton stopped winning his matches, the sharks he bred himself started circling the bloody waters.

So now we have this match, pitting each member of Legacy against each other in a quest to see which man is truly the best. The feud has made it clear that Ted and Cody are on the same page…sort of when it comes to wanting to focus on Randy, but this is Wrestlemania, and all three of these men are opportunists bred to the very core, so I wouldn’t expect that to stay a factor for very long. Ultimately the winner of this match will be the one with eyes in the back of his head, and who takes advantage at exactly the right moment. The crowd, at least, has chosen Randy as the favorite. But when you put three snakes in a cage, only one, if any, can survive.

Predictions:

Cewsh: Orton via pinfall on Rhodes with the Punt.

I really can’t argue with this result, as I don’t think Dibiase and Rhodes are escaping out of this without one of them feeling the almighty boot to the face for their cheekiness. Dibiase and Rhodes are both great performers with bright futures, but with the incredible fan reaction he’s been getting, and the relative lack of momentum for Rhodes and Dibiase right now, this one seems pretty clear.

Ms. Cewsh: Orton.

There was a little hesitation on this one. She almost went with Ted, before veering off to the left to pick up Orton’s treat. Perhaps by sheer force of my own will.

Vice: Ted DiBiase.

Search: Triple Threat
Title: Flower, Harmony & Phoenix – Triple Butt Pump
Tits: Combination; more real than fake
Finish: Submission

Match 6 – World Heavyweight Championship – Chris Jericho (c) vs. Edge.

Cewsh: Depending on who you ask, the build up to this match is either awesome or god awful. The casual fans seem to think it’s fantastic, and the smarks seem to think that it blows worse than a rusty radiator with your mother staple to it.

This is mostly caused by the tone the feud has taken since Edge came back from his injury (early, I might add) and won the Royal Rumble, making him the number one contender for any Heavyweight championship of his choosing. He chose Jericho, seemingly because of Jericho’s entirely unkind remarks of Edge’s behalf, after he got injured immediately after they won the tag titles together in mid 2009, leading to the subsequent rise to greatness of Jerishow. That’s all well and good. But since Edge made the choice to face Jericho at Wrestlemania, the feud has revolved around one word. “Spear”.

Whenever Edge is around Jericho he repeats the word “spear” like a tribal war chant, getting the fans caught up in a frenzy to see him perform his finishing move on the hated Chris Jericho. The idea here is that Edge is telling Jericho exactly how he is going to beat him at Wrestlemania and there’s nothing that Jericho can do about it as the fans mock his inevitable fate by chanting the name of that move at him over and over. It’s not exactly feud of the year stuff, but the fans certainly seem to be into it, and hey. It’s Edge/Jericho. I’ll check any complaints at the door.

The smart money is probably on Edge here, as Royal Rumble winners have gone on to win their title match at Wrestlemania about 70% of the time, but it’s no guarantee, as this feud is very unlikely to end so soon into it, and a Jericho victory could carry us to Extreme Rules in April. Either way, this is a match I think we’ve all wanted to see for ages, and even if I have to chant “spear” all the way through it, I will do so with a grin on my face.

Predictions:

Cewsh: Jericho via submission with the Walls of Jericho.

Sheesh, I said that Jericho might win to prolong the feud, not that he’d beat the Royal Rumble winner clean by submission at Wrestlemania, for christ’s sake. That would be like me expecting to maybe get slapped by a woman after hitting on her and instead she takes out a gun and murders everyone in the room.

Ms. Cewsh: Jericho.

Again, she kind of psyched me out on this one, going for Edge and then veering off to Jericho at the last second.

Vice: Edge.

Search: Rumble
Title: Rumble with Myself
Tits: Real
Finish: Pinfall

Match 7 – CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio.

Cewsh: PUNK!

This feud all got started slowly, as Punk has morphed over the past few months from someone who lectured the fans about the straight edge lifestyle, to a self styled messiah of purity, with an army behind him to fight his battles, and an ever increasing vehemence and fervor to his words, calling for everyone to succumb to the power of straight edge and join his army of the saved. At some point, Rey Mysterio became a target of his crusade, but Rey proved too slippery to corner and has been frustrating Punk all through the new year, leading to Punk memorable coming out to interrupt Rey’s singing happy birthday to his daughter Aaliyah (yes, like the singer), to sing his own demented and creepy version, playing mind games with Rey to throw him off balance.

Then when Punk had Rey right where he wanted him, him told Rey that if Rey could beat Luke Gallows, he could have a Street Fight with Punk at Wrestlemania. But if he lost to Gallows and then lost to Punk at Mania, then Rey would have to become an official member of the Straight Edge Society. Rey lost to Luke. And now he is one loss away from becoming a disciple, against his will, of the Shepard of the Sober. High stakes, and for a man with as much pride as Rey, there aren’t much higher.

And with that all said, this match is going to fucking RULE.

Predictions:

Cewsh: CM Punk via pinfall with the Go 2 Sleep.

This match is interesting, because a loss by Rey leads to some serious storylines for the forseeable future, but a win for Rey sort of leaves both men in limbo. For that reason, and for my love of Mr. McPunker, I can’t argue with the computer on this one.

Ms. Cewsh: Punk.

Not here. Punk, decisively.

Vice: Rey Mysterio.

Search: Midget
Title: Surprise! You’ll Be Fucking a Midget Today!
Tits: Real
Finish: Pinfall

Match 8 – Triple H vs. Sheamus.

Cewsh: This is one of the most interesting matches on the card, actually. That’s not to say that it has gotten a ton of table time on television or that they’ve actually had a compelling feud here, but what is interesting is where each of these two men will go after this match is over.

Sheamus is coming off of his first year in the big leagues, a year that included winning the WWE Heavyweight Championship and retaining it against both John Cena and Randy Orton, which is a helluva thing to have on your resume. He’s fought most of the top names, and looks stronger by the day, securing a high place in the WWE hierarchy, despite all the people who said that he would fail, and he already seems miles ahead of people like Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne who he came in with. However after this, there isn’t a huge amount for him to really do. A move to Smackdown might do him wonders to build him into a truly credible top contender, but nothing is certain. His future is up in the air.

Triple H’s future, on the other hand, has far fewer options, that are no less intriguing. Basically there are two. Continue being a top babyface for awhile and just ride out his great face run of the moment, or turn heel and be the Triple H we’re all familiar with. There are strong arguments for either, and it’s impossible to say right now. But something tells me that by the end of this match, we may know something more about the futures that these men will have. Like I said, very interesting.

Predictions:

Cewsh: Triple H via pinfall with the Pedigree.

If I owned a farm, I would bet it on this being the outcome.

In fact, I bet YOUR farm.

Ms. Cewsh: Triple H.

Vice: Sheamus.

Search: Pasty
Title: Delta White – Delta’s Day in LA
Tits: Horrendously fake
Finish: Pinfall

Match 9 – Career vs. Streak – No Disqualification Match – Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker.

Cewsh: Oh baby, this is the big one.

Ever since last year’s Wrestlemania, Shawn Michaels’ loss to the Undertaker has been nagging at him little by little. At the Slammy Awars in December, he finally let slip that what he truly wanted was another crack at the Undertaker, to break the hallowed winning streak once and for all. The Undertaker said no. As the weeks went on, Michaels started to visibly unravel, throwing over his friendship with Triple H, his tag team championships and even hiding under the Elimination Chamber to pop up and cost the Undertaker his title, just in a blindly desperate attempt to erase what he felt to be the biggest blemish on his professional career. The night he came so close, but not close enough. Finally, to punish him for his transgressions, the Undertaker agreed to a No Disqualification match between the two at Wrestlemania to settle things once and for all. But in order to get the match he yearned for, Michaels had to offer something in return.

His career.

So now Shawn Michaels, the Showstopper, Mr. Wrestlemania, will lace up his boots for perhaps the last time and face the unstoppable Undertaker on the show that they have co-owned for nearly two decades. If one man loses, he will never wrestle again. If the other loses, his greatest legacy will be shattered. The must be a winner, and when a three count is finally called, and the bell is rung, and one of these two men is staring into the night air of Phoenix, Arizona, there will be one loser as well.

And he will lose everything.


Predictions:

Cewsh: Taker via pinfall with the Last Ride.

I always knew the computers would side with the zombies when it came down to it.

Ms. Cewsh: Michaels.

Big upset!

Vice: Shawn Michaels.

Note: Undertaker is being labeled a heel here by me, because face vs. face does not work with this system, and I’m fucking terrified of the undead, so.. yeah. Though, I’m also terrified of religion, but Taker’s entrance generally has fire too. And I’m afraid of that. 2-1 Undertaker. Heel.

Search: Old Balding Men
Title: Two bald men and one shaved woman
Tits: Real
Finish: Submission

Match 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Batista (c) vs. John Cena.

Cewsh: And at last we reach our main event. It’s probably more than a little controversial that we have this match going on after the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels, and frankly I think that if it actually DOES go on after that match, then this one doesn’t have a chance in fucking heel over not being completely overshadowed by it.

But these two have their own feud cooking, and just because it isn’t the biggest feud on the show, that doesn’t dim its luster any. See this feud started when John Cena decided to stand up for Bret Hart to Vince McMahon, a heroic last move, but a last move nonetheless. The Batista helped to beat the fuck out of Bret Hart when Bret got his hands on Vince, and act which earned Big Dave a favor. That favor was cashed in after John Cena won the WWE heavyweight championship at WWE Elimination Chamber this year, when Vince gave Batista a title match immediately after the match, allowing him to pin Cena easily and take the title.

Then Batista came out and explained his beef with John Cena, and how despite the fact that the two of them broke in at the same time, came up at the same time, and made it to the main event as champions at the same time, Cena was the one who became the crowned prince of WWE. Batista talked about how he seethed at seeing himself passed over while all the movies and commercials were tossed at the feet of the resident pretty boy, and how he wanted to prove once and for all that he is the true top star in WWE. So that brings us here. The two biggest stars of this generation squaring off to see who is dominant. Expect alot of people to be cheering Batista.


Predictions:

Cewsh: Cena via pinfall with the Attitude Adjustment.

This is almost the only way that this CAN end. The happy ending, to cap off a Wrestlemania where Shawn Michaels might very well be forced into retirement. Only the hero triumphing at the end can make up for that in the eyes of the fans.

Hmm, so maybe that means that Batista should win after all…

Ms. Cewsh: Batista.

Vice: Did not stick around long enough to find out.

Search: Fucking Sell You Shithead
Title: I’m selling dildos, but we can try them first
Tits: Real
Finish: Disqualification

————————————

Vice: So there you have it. Following Wrestlemania, we’ll see just how well porn has predicted the epic show.

Ms. Cewsh: All in all, the cat followed my own thoughts on the show pretty well. I’d probably actually put my money on Cena, if you forced me to, and I sincerely doubt Punk will go over Mysterio. Still, she did a good job, and was richly rewarded.

Cewsh: Man, I can’t believe I was stuck playing computer games and Vice got to watch midget porn. I need to talk to my agent.

Anyway, thanks for previewing with us boys and girls. We hope this got you a fraction as excited about Wrestlemania as we all are, and rest assured that we will be all over this show like a hobo on a ham sandwich. But that’s for after it airs. For what’s left of this beautiful Sunday, kick back, relax, and enjoy the greatest spectacle in our wrestling industry.

Have fun, kids!

– The Cewsh Reviews Team

TNA Destination X 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Destination X 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most widely read wrestling review blog in Heidi Klum’s bedroom, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you as we make our last stop on our glorious path to WWE Wrestlemania XXVI, as we cover TNA’s Destination X 2010. Now it may be a little unfair to TNA to just go ahead and ASSUME that Wrestlemania will overshadow their offering here, just because it’s Wrestlemania, but let’s not be naive. This show is being main evented by Abyss fighting to protect a ring. This isn’t Showcase of the Immortals stuff here.

But with that said, there’s plenty to be excited about here as TNA rolls out the official PPV of the X Division. We’ve got a ladder match, and Ultimate X match, and even, be still my heart, a SHANNON MOORE match. Some dreams do come true, if you wish hard enough. If you BELIEVE. Aside from that we’ve got Kurt Angle trying to cripple Mr. Anderson, Ric Flair in a wheelchair, and something mysterious going on with Abyss’ clothes. Will TNA put on a show worthy of notice at this crazy time of year? Or will they crash and burn and leave WWE to fill the void will the year’s biggest spectacle? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Life is a journey, not a destination….X. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Historical accuracy aside, that is the quote that TNA chose to sum up this show. Now I don’t know about you guys, but right away that says to me that we should be watching a show called TNA Journey X (with a special appearance by Steve Perry!) as destinations are apparently super lame, but hey, they’re the ones with the fancy music and chanting going on, so I’ll charitably ignore that.

To hype us for this show, we get a video all about Abyss. Mr. Anderson takes a crack at getting some time in it, and I think I saw AJ at least once, but this video contains more Abyss than the movie starring Ed Harris. Somehow I think that that is not the way the universe ought to be, but he is in the main event tonight. So let’s wait and see how that goes.

Segment 2 – Number One Contendership For The X Division Championship – Ladder Match – Brian (Pillman) Kendrick vs. The Amazing(ly Tiny) Red vs. (Christopher) Daniels vs. (Suicide) Kazarian.


Cewsh Notes:

– CLUSTERFUUUUUUUUUCK.

– The first thing to point out here is that the crowd chooses something new to chant for every 12 seconds. Whether it be “Kazarian” “Let’s go Daniels” or “We like Pound Cake.”

– Red is absolutely nuts in this match with his agility. Leaping over ladders and doing hurracanranas every which way, he shows that this is the environment that he thrives in and really steals the match.

– Kendrick’s role here is really interesting. He doesn’t really wrestle a high spotty style anymore, and fits here more as the sneaky heel looking to take every advantage. The X Division has never had anybody like him before and I really like it.

– I can’t help but feel like Kazarian is just a little too big to be in the X Division. He could easily make the transition to World title contender, and yet he never really does. He perpetually trapped in between.

– Towards the end everybody starts going NUTS hitting every finisher they have and then everybody no sells said finishers and starts trying to climb the ladder all at once.

– Then Kazarian tries to drop Daniels on his head from the top of the ladder. DAMMIT KAZARIAN stop trying to kill Christopher Daniels! It’s not even subtle anymore!

– Kaz grabs the clipboard with the contract on it and wins the match, making him the number one contender to face either Doug Williams or Shannon Moore. Of course he was ALREADY the number one contender before they decided to give Shannon Moore a PPV match instead of him, which must do wonders for his self esteem.

This match was exactly what it sounds like. There was flying around, there were lots of exciting high spots, and there wasn’t a psychology textbook to be seen. But this is pure TNA right here, giving us a shallow but very enjoyable opener to get us excited for all the deeper stuff to come. It wasn’t the best match of that kind they’ve ever had, but it wasn’t too shabby either.

77 out of 100.

Vice: What to say about this, what to say about this. In short, I’d say that this reminds me a lot of Ms. Cewsh on a drunken weekend escapade. Just good sloppy fun.

Too far?

Yeah. Too far.

Kazarian Over Everyone Else Following Retrieval Of The Contract.

Segment 3 – Ric Flair Is A Crazy Old Man.

Cewsh: In the middle of Tenay and Tazz breaking down the rest of the card, Ric Flair comes rolling out onto the stage in a wheelchair pushed by Desmond Wolfe’s valet Chelsea. He proceeds to tell everyone that he is not a happy camper and then demand that they stop “Wooing” him. Assumedly because he is swooning too much to think straight.

Not Shown: Happy Camper.


Then he says, well, I really have no idea. It goes something like this:

Flair: I am Ric Flair!
Crowd: WOO!
Flair: 16 times the greatest world champion of all time!
Crowd: WOO!
Flair: I have fallen off of cages and been thrown through tables!
Crowd: WOO!
Flair: I’ve never been in a wheelchair! Shut up! You do what I tell you!
Crowd: WOO!
Flair: I came here for action, and I’m not getting any action!
Crowd: WOO!
Flair: YOU DON’T GET IT! ASK YOUR MOTHER!
Crowd: Woo?
Flair: I SAID ASK YOUR MOTHER, KID! YOU’LL RESPECT IT.

The End.

Um, that was informative? I guess we learned an important lesson about how Ric Flair doesn’t get laid except by some TNA fan’s mother. This has been Ramblin’ With Ric. Tune in next month for more installments.

Segment 4 – Abyss Is Being Troubled By Tribbles.

Cewsh: Meanwhile, Abyss is backstage with Hulk Hogan and Hogan is trying to hype Abyss up to stop being such a pantywaist all the time and actually get about the business of beating motherfuckers up. It’s an uphill battle. Abyss stops just short of ordering a custom bidet for the Hulkster before finally agreeing to do his best to ravage AJ Styles tonight. Which is great and all, but the real story is about his clothes. Namely, what the fuck is going on with them.

The Power Of Hulkamania Drastically Increases Your Dry Cleaning Bill.


Vice suggested that maybe it was the power of Hulkamania bursting out through his pants (is that where you keep it? Disturbing), but to me it looks like nothing so much as a bunch of goddamn Tribbles super glued to his leather pants.

Fashion police, anyone?

Segment 5 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Tara(ble At Pretending To Care About This Match) © vs. Daff(ERS!)ney.

Cewsh: Here we have ourselves the ladies contest for the evening, and it’s a doozie if your name happens to rhyme with “Rice”. For the rest of us, this is a feud that has sort of been brewing on the back burner for a few weeks now as Daffers has proven a thorn in Tara’s side all throughout February, finally culminating in Tara giving her a Knockout’s title match just to get her hands on the woman. Naturally Daffney has never show any interest in that belt, but an accessory is an accessory and you can’t turn your nose up at free stuff.

They get started and right from the get go we get Tara kicking Daffers’ ass. Then some more of that. Then a great deal more of it. Then it occurs to me that Daffney doesn’t actually have any offensive maneuvers. I’m not sure how I never noticed this after all this time, but all she does is punch people, get beaten up and scream, and somehow full matches are spun out of this. That includes this match, which is more an exhibition for Tara than an actual competitive contest, right up to her sound victory via a clean pinfall after the Widow’s Peak. Lest you think that was all she wrote, however, as she goes to collect her pet spider Poison after the match, she finds it missing, and in the hands of the Angelina Jolie lookalike (for some reason) Daffney.

No Seriously, The Resemblance Here Is Crazy.


Oh no! I am concerned about the fate of that spider! Especially now that it has touched Daffers, which means instant death for anything mortal at the hands of a certain Viking I know.

At any rate, decent match, not much to it, and it’s clearly leading to Lockdown where these two will get their brawl on. Nothing wrong with that, even if I would have liked a little more here, match wise, to go forward with.

68 out of 100.

Vice: DAFFERS. TARA. DAFFERS. TARA. DAFFERS. TARA.

If only Tara was the psychotic bitch she was back in her WWE run. It’d be my ultimate women’s match. Like.. seriously. Even now, it’s not too shabby. Mainly because it features DAFFERS.

Man I love her. Her post-match stuff was a thing of beauty. I am scared shitless of spiders as many people know, so her holding a spider, even in a cage, is enough to make me terrified.. however, somehow it still got my dick hard. Like.. really really hard. Astronomically hard.

You wonder why Cewsh Reviews is late this week? It’s because it’s taken me a few days to type this match out. I’d type like 5 words, think about the magnificence of it all, and be forced to crank one out.

DAFFERS.

This Would Terrify A Lesser Man.


brb

Tara Over Daffney Following The Widow’s Peak.

Segment 6 – Exit Brutus. Enter Magnus.

Cewsh: We’re backstage with Brutus Magnus who is getting ready for his Global title match with Rob Terry. Magnus first makes it clear that he has dropped the “Brutus” portion from his name and will now be known simply as “Magnus”, making him a prime candidate for that cushy condom sponsorship. Next he tears into Rob terry for having the gall to try to win a match for himself rather than carry Magnus’ luggage around and be his servant. He claims he’ll be kicking his former enforcer’s ass tonight.

I remain highly skeptical. But I’m nervous about poking holes in his argument. Could be dangerous.

Segment 7 – TNA Global Championship – Rob (Built Like A Mack Truck. If Mack Truck’s Took Steroids) Terry © vs. Magnus (Ribbed For Her Pleasure).

Cewsh: Okay, I have a confession to make. Despite the fact that he can’t wrestle very well, and is about as clumsy as a cheerleader in a horror movie, and despite the fact that he looks like Ryan Seacrest after taking the Super Shredder serum, I actually like Rob Terry. I know, I know. He’s a klutz in the ring, but TNA is putting him in short matches where his weaknesses aren’t exposed, and he genuinely seems to be growing as a performer every time I see him. And when his music his and he comes barreling out of the back with a “You’re fucking DEAD, chum” look on his face, I’m all about it.

Now, with that said, this is not a good match. Magnus bumps around for Terry for awhile, making him look like the monster they want him to be, and doing his fantastic chickenshit heel routine, until Big Rob lifts him skyward and cannonballs him down with a NASTY one armed spinebuster which spells the premature end for Mr. Magnus.

As I said, there’s no quality wrestling here. But Rob Terry is a star on the rise, and no mistake. Seeing him now before he blows up is kind of fun, and if nothing else, this match was harmless, clocking in at about 3 minutes. It’s not exactly going to put a strain on your day to watch.

65 out of 100.

Vice: Magnus = awesome.
Terry = gay.

Gay wins. And it’s really gay.

Rob Terry Over Magnus Following The Mate Your Fate.

Segment 8 – Number One Contendership For The TNA World Tag Team Championships – Ultimate X Match – The Motor City (Semi Automatic) Machine Guns vs. The Young Bucks (Rumors Of Them Being Called Generation Me Have Been Greatly Exaggerated).

Cewsh: The Ultimate X match. Possibly the foremost symbol of both TNA and the X Division. This completely original match has been TNA’s hallmark since the good ol’ days in the Asylum, and that has been the case for a reason. These matches have been populated by some of the most incredible stunts, fantastic moves, and jaw dropping bumps that the wrestling industry has ever seen, and they rarely, if ever, failure to deliver (except for that time that Petey Williams successfully prayed for victory). And tonight we get another installment in this hallowed series, as the top two young high flying tag teams, perhaps in all the world, come together to square off for a shot at the winner of Beer Money/Morgandez.

Now I’m not even going to try to keep up with this match. The simple fact is that these four guys are absolutely unbelievable to watch on their own, but when these two teams comes together, something magical happens. They have that rare chemistry that you don’t get very often in wrestling. They mesh perfectly, work silky smooth together, and by the end of this match Generation Me proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are far more than simply a flash in the pan. Vice and I saw them live in ROH not even a year ago when literally nobody but their mother had heard of them. I have the picture to prove it. Now they have officially arrived courtesy of the Machine Guns. The Guns won this match, but I would be hard pressed to find anybody in the world who lost when this match was over.

Simply unbelievable.


85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This match was pure greatness. This is the definition of a fun match. Fuck realism. Fuck story. Fuck everything. Just throw two RIDICULOUSLY CRAZY tag teams into a match that involves a set of ropes 15 feet in the air and sit back and enjoy not only wrestling, but LIFE.

Look At This Crazy Shit!


If you can’t enjoy watching a match like this, you’re a very sad person. Seek therapy.

The Motor City Machine Guns Over Generation Me Following Grabbing The X.

Segment 9 – The Band Is HOLY SHIT LOOK AT SCOTT HALL.

Cewsh: Hall and Waltman are backstage in their ring gear, cracking funny jokes and being more effortlessly entertaining than guys who try a million times harder. Waltman does some talking, but it’s hard to focus on that instead of noticing that Scott Hall is mysterious in amazing goddamn shape. I mean, he’s not looking like Rob Terry or anything, but for a 50 year old man that we were all sure was a total fatass these days, he is pretty much shredded. Enough to actually fit into his old NOW ring gear without it being sad. Seriously.

Fuck I Don’t Look That Good Now And I’m Literally Half His Age.


Man, working out with Sid must do wonders.

Segment 10 – Scott (Awesome Again) Hall and Sean (Awesome Finally) Waltman vs. Kevin (Still Awesome) Nash and Eric (Who?) Young.

Cewsh: Jesus Christ, what is Eric Young doing here?

Look, I get that the new management in TNA has elected to push certain people for various reasons, be it D’Angelo Dinero for his wacky charisma, Mr. Anderson for his ready made star power, or Abyss for his monsterness. But what in god’s name is Eric Young doing here in this storyline? You might say that he and Nash have recent history, but that was, what? They teamed up on Hernandez at Bound For Glory and Young screwed over Nash? Watch me quiver with emotion. The simple fact is that Young is miles out of his depth right here, and I honestly think that pushing him in this role is going to backfire into some serious resentment towards Eric down the road.

Now then, down to business. These four get themselves in the ring, and it’s like a blast from the past to see Nash, Hall and Waltman all in their ring gear together. Nash makes Young start the match against Waltman and off we go. Young and Waltman start off fast paced, with Young keeping pace with the much quicker Waltman. They go for a bit, with Waltman’s dirty tactics keeping him ahead, before Waltman tags in the big guy, who promptly tells Eric Young to suck it, before spending some time throwing Young around like a sack of shit. Increasingly this becomes the “Beat the fuck out of Eric Young show” as Waltman and Hall wear him down quickly with their fantastic teamwork. Hmm, mysteriously, Nash hasn’t gotten involved yet…

Young finally fires back up and goes to make the tag to Nash, but the referee doesn’t see the tag so it doesn’t count. While Nash argues with the ref and tries to get into the ring, Waltman grabs a can of spray paint and blasts it full on into Young’s face, blinding him completely. Now the beating only gets worse as Hall and Waltman circle in for the kill, but Young connects with the blind punch and somehow manages to connect on Hall and tag in Nash before escaping to ringside. Oh shit, baby, now IT’S ON.

Except that it’s not.

Nash takes one step towards Hall, then swerves right, grabs Young and Jackknife Powerbombs his ass right in the middle of the ring before dragging Young to the ring apron, propping his lifeless body up, and daintily tagging Young officially into the match, leaving Waltman and Hall to hit an X Factor and a Razor’s Edge, respectively, before mercifully finally pinning the poor guy. Before they’re through, however, Waltman grabs his spray paint and paints the outline of Young’s unconscious body in the mat like a chalk outline of a murder victim.

Pwned.


Then all three casually leave to the strains of the classic Wolfpack theme song. The Wolfpack is back, Jack. God help TNA.

As far as the match itself here goes, it was a lot better than you might expect, and eons better than anyone is going to remember it being, because this match was 100% about the finish. I’m sure blind old grandmothers could tell that Nash was turning on Young, but the way they did it was so effortlessly cool and amazing, with the body outline and all, that it just added so much to the whole angle. God knows, it may even wind up getting Eric Young over after all.

75 out of 100.

Vice: There’s not much to say about the match itself. Clearly Kevin Nash swerves the wrestling world by joining his buddies Hall and Waltman, but this swerve was actually quite meaningful and realistically done. It wasn’t just one of those LOL DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING Russo swerves. This one just made sense. Saw it coming from a mile away, but that doesn’t take away from it at all. Just a wonderfully done angle. Kevin Nash killing Eric, rolling him onto the apron and tagging him in was just amazing heel work. It got a legitimate laugh and smile from me.

The post-match stuff was fucking fantastic. The definition of badass, really. When Pac brought out the spray paint, I was terrified that he was going to spray paint BAND or something stupid onto Eric’s back. But a crime scene outline after murdering the guy with 3 finishing moves in a row? Hell yes.

Hall and Waltman Over Nash and Young Following Shenanigans.

Segment 11 – TNA X Division Championship Match – Doug (Vice Called Him Fat Once) Williams © vs. Shannon (What The Fuck Are You Doing Here?) Moore.

Vice: TNA is just some weird company in this universe that doesn’t make a lot of sense. Like, they can get the most interesting talent in the world and completely ruin them beyond belief. Then they can get boring, awful shitfaces like Doug Williams and not only make me root for him to retain his title, but to have him practically steal the show with his post-match antics? What the hell.

Doug’s stock just SKYROCKETED. People say that it was just begging for someone like RVD or Hardy to run in and attack him, but that would have been fucking stupid. He just got a fantastic new fire under his ass, and the worst thing they could have possibly done was have some flippidydippidycockanus run in and put it all in the shitter for a pop.

By the way, screw Shannon Moore. He’s awful.

Cewsh:

Enough Said.

68 out of 100.

Doug Williams Over Shannon Moore Following Hitting The Fucker In The Face With A Brick.

Segment 12 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Morgandez vs. Beer Money Ass(ociation).

Cewsh: Now the idea behind this match is that Matt Morgan is turning heel, and everyone is pretending not to notice. On the other hand Beer Money DID turn heel, but nobody has any idea why. Which leaves Hernandez, who remains the only face in this match, and as such gets to portray a complete idiot who can’t see what is directly in front of his face.

The tone for this match is determined right out of the gate as Morgan orders Hernandez to start things, and then just as Hernandez gets on a roll, Morgan tags himself in. Then, when Morgan gets bored, he tags Hernandez back it and looks as bored and unimpressed as possible on the apron as Hernandez tears Beer Money apart. This prompts a crowd chant of “Hernandez! YAY! Morgan! BOO!” And so it goes, with Hernandez doing all the heavy lifting, and Morgan mocking and undermining him at every turn like the absolutely shovelbag that he is. Rather than attack Morgan for being such a fuckass, though, Hernandez continues to fight on, until Beer Money goes for the patented beer spit at him. He ducks it, letting it nail Matt Morgan instead, and nails his crazy swinging powerbomb to grab the unlikely win from Beer Money.

So Morgan and Hernandez are forced to be a tag team for a little longer, though I’d be astonished if they made it all the way to Lockdown before self destructing. This was a fine match for what it was, despite Beer Money looking like some total scrubs to be so easily dealt with under the circumstances, but this was another match that was really more of a prolonged angle. I don’t count off for that, but the intentions are very clear. Story first. Match quality second.

70 out of 100.

Vice: Eh.

Morgandez Over Beer Money Following The Border Swing?

Segment 13 – Kurt (Best In The World) Angle vs. Ken (UNDERATED For The First Time In His Career) Anderson.

Vice: Going back to what I said about TNA making awful people awesome, what the hell happened to Anderson to make him so great? It’s like Doug Williams.

I mean, yeah, TNA kind of blew this angle off on the Impact before this show, so this match really didn’t even need to happen and it seems like it’s only going to continue, but.. this was pretty damn good. Anderson continues to impress me, which I never thought I’d say considering how much he sucked and how overrated he was in WWE.

Also like Doug Williams, Anderson cuts a fucking badass promo after the match is over. It wasn’t the best promo ever by any means, but it was one of the coolest promos I’ve seen in forever. He rolls to the center of the ring, calls down his microphone, and gives a very slow, scary speech while covered in blood.

Jesus. I loved it. And hey, the fact that this feud seems to be going on despite being finished twice, just adds character to Anderson. Just because he’s gotten his ass kicked doesn’t mean it’s over. It’s fairly realistic in a way. I’m curious to see where this all goes.

Cewsh: This match was great, but I have to ask the question. Why is this feud still going? They wrestled as the last PPV to start the feud, and then every week they brawled with one another to an ever rising crescendo. Finally, on the night of TNA’s first official night on Monday Night Warring, Kurt Angle and a bunch of soldiers beat the ever loving shit out of Anderson and the soldiers paraded Kurt around on their shoulders as a conquering hero. …and that wasn’t the blow off. Now we have the following match here and THIS isn’t the blow off either.

Now common sense tells me that they’re trying to keep this going until Lockdown so they can have a bloody cage match, but then why did they spend the whole build for this feud hurrying things up? They’ve had two matches and it feels like 8 because they’ve spent the whole month fighting each other and having definitive winners and losers to those fights. As a result these matches are great but every one feels less interesting and important than the last. Which is a shame, because Kurt Angle is making something special out of Mr. Anderson here, which is shown for true in the bloody, impassioned post match interview with Anderson getting inside of Angle’s head. Nobody every manipulates Kurt Angle. Mr. Anderson is a BIG FUCKING DEAL.

I just wish the feud lived up to the performances.


80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Kurt Angle Over Mr. Anderson Following The Anklelock.

Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – AJ (All Juice) Styles © vs. Abyss (Is Apparently Lost).

Cewsh: Firstly, we’re going to ignore that Abyss has the stupidest, most confusing theme music in the history of professional wrestling (scary circus music transitioning into American Made). We’re also going to ignore the godawful feud that led us to this point and featured magical rings, terrible wrestling from old men, and tribbles hot glued to Abyss’ pants. What we WILL focus on is the fact that this match is for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship (they don’t even mention it being for the ring, more proof that they read CEWSH REVIEWS) and the fact that Abyss and AJ Styles have had a bunch of really fantastic matches together. It’s a simple formula. Styles is great at bumping, and flying around, and Abyss is great at impressive looking offense, and selling for small guys. Match made in heaven right here.

This match has three parts to it. In part one, Styles and Abyss go head to head to see who is the better man. This lasts about a minute. Part two involves Ric Flair coming out in his wheelchair to cheer of Styles, and this part contains a fuckton of Styles cheating his ass off and Abyss killing him with huge power moves. Part three of this match is the really interesting one, though, as these two guys have been wrestling for nearly twenty minutes and they start looking for the finish. Abyss nails the Shock Treament, but it’s not enough. Abyss sets Styles up for something off the top rope, but AJ reverses it and sends him crashing to the mat, and then unleashes his absolutely gorgeous Sprial Tap finishing move (an old favorite) where he flies spinning through the air faster than the eye can see before crashing down onto Abyss.

Oooooooh. Ahhhhhhh.


To AJ’s absolute shock, this isn’t enough either. Abyss is still very much alive. Abyss, proving this, nails a sky high Black Hole Slam, but even THIS isn’t enough to end the match.

At this point Ric Flair sprays mace into the eyes of the referee and it is all downhill from there.

Styles low blows Abyss, now that the ref is unconscious, and goes to nail Abyss with the title belt, laying Abyss out like a sack of ugly potatoes. Just as things look bad for Mr. Byss, out comes Hulk Hogan with Earl Hebner to finish the match. Hogan grabs Flair’s wheelchair and tries to wheel him to the back. Meanwhile Hebner gets the match going again, and Abyss decides that it is about time to Hulk Up, literally.

“But I Hit Him With My Fancy Belt!”


He kicks out of AJ’s Springboard 450 death finishers with ease, starts to shake, does to point, the big boot, and then grabs AJ for a chokeslam, slamming him down with such force that AJ GOES THROUGH THE RING.

Where’s The Kaboom?


Now Hogan comes down and tries to give Abyss the title, but Hebner confiscates it, seeing as he had to throw the match out as a result of a disappearing champion. This leads to a lot of confusion as to what the fuck is going on and who won the match and the title, but Abyss and Hogan decide that they don’t care and they pull Flair into the ring to get beaten up. Then Desmond Wolfe sprints down to his rescue, and through a great deal of stumbling and bumbling around, he trips over Flair and falls into the hole right on top of AJ.


Who Left A Crazy Old Man Next To This Big Hole?


And then, finally, Flair himself falls in, sparing us any further Three Stooges interpretations.

“Ah! THAT’S Where I Left My Reading Dragon.”

Look, my feelings on this crazy ending can be summed up like this. It would have made for some fantastic television, but to be on the end of the main event World title match on a PPV? It just didn’t work and it made things incredibly confusing. Perhaps worst of all is that it was actually the climax of what was turning into a really very good match. It was cruising towards Seal of Approval territory. With the finish it had? It’s lucky to sniff it.

76 out of 100.

Vice: Ok, I was actually looking forward to this match quite a bit. Sure it’s a retarded storyline, but this is WRESTLING. People push each other off bridges, run over dogs, rape corpses and pretty much everything else you can think of. So with that said, a mentally challenged monster believing he has the power of the Spartan army because a god of a wrestling icon gave him his ring that seals the deal on his godhood, well, that doesn’t even seem too ridiculous. And heck, on paper that actually sounds really fun.

Abyss is generally not a fantastic worker when he’s not in barbaric matches involving weapons, but he’s ALWAYS had good matches with AJ. They just mesh so goddamn well. Abyss can toss AJ around like a small child, and AJ can fly around and is actually strong enough to credibly fight back. AJ german suplexing Abyss in their Lockdown match a few years ago was a true thing of beauty. Plus, AJ takes the best Black Hole Slam ever.

This match did not disappoint me. It was really fun, and AJ busting out the Spiral Tap was not only awesome, but was smart too. Ok ok ok, I know. “Get to the end, Vice, because that’s where it gets all kinds of stupid”.

You know what though? I absolutely loved the finish. It’s one of my favorite finishes in the past few months. Plenty of PPV title matches have quirky endings. This one just took the groaning non-finish formula, turned it on its ass, and had the most fun they could ever have with it. If you watch this as a critic, yeah, this is a retarded finish. It probably doesn’t help the company at all. It was a ridiculous clusterfuck. It ruined an otherwise good match. But as a fan of wrestling, and watching it as someone who wants to enjoy himself, then fucking hell was this a brilliantly fun ending.

People getting thrown through the ring is always amazing.

The Ring Is Fucking Hungry, Alright?


Crazy old man Flair ranting and raving in his wheelchair was amazing. Hebner’s reactions were amazing. Wolfe being pinballed around the ring only to fall in the hole was amazing. Crazy old man Flair also falling in the hole was amazing.

Ok, the face didn’t end up with the title. He wasn’t going to. So instead of a shitty cliche finish, we got the most absurd thing I could have possibly imagined, and it seriously had me laughing and cheering. That’s right, people. I fucking enjoyed it.

If you hated it, then good for you. I understand.

It’s A Draw, Following Shenanigans.

————————————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusion:


Cewsh: I’m not really sure what to say about this show overall. I mean, on one hand it was the official X Division PPV, and they showed it in the first half of the show, loading it up with exciting matches. But when a show like this has a disappointing main event it tends to drag down the way I feel about the entire second half. So ultimately this will be remembered as a mediocre show with some exciting matches here and there, and that it played hot to an Ultimate X match. Beyond that though? Not exactly Wrestlemania quality stuff going on here.

There were no lows and only one true high. At this point TNA, I expect better than average.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 73.77 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:


Vice: Overall this was a fairly fun show. It had a bunch of crap but also a ton of fun stuff. TNA might be falling back into bad habits, but they continue to put on enjoyable PPVs every month. Even if no one buys them.

Vice’s Final Score: 73 out of 100.

Well boys and girls, it’s that Wrestlemania time of year again, and with how late this is going up, Wrestlemania is, in fact, TOMORROW, can you believe it? Now we’ve wrapped up our big time reviews for Cewsh Reviews’ Road to Wrestlemania Month, but that doesn’t mean that that’s all we have in store to get you hyped. Keep an eye out on Sunday Morning for Cewsh Reviews’ Official Preview Guide To Wrestlemania, complete with predictions determined by all three of us in the only way we know how. By utilizing porn, cats and computer programming. It’s going to be a gas, but remember, that’s a Sunday Supplement, available only on the Cewsh Reviews blog. After that, of course, it’s on the Wrestlemania XXVI which is a show that needs no introduction from the likes of me. You know you won’t want to miss it, and we’ll make sure you get no chance to.

Until then, keep reading, boys and girls, and be good to one another. Save travels and Happy Wrestlemania!

The Monday Night Wars Take Two: The Rehappening

World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Proudly Present…

The Monday Night Wars Take Two: The Rehappening.

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the responsibly time traveling Cewsh Reviews. Tonight we have a special treat for you as we cover the beginning of the new Monday Night Wars between TNA Impact and WWE Raw. “But wait, Mr. McCewsh,” you may say is hushed tones of respect and admiration, “you already did the new Monday Night Wars back in January.” Well this is true, Ms. Cewsh and I tackled that very thing back in the olden days of 2 months ago. But a lot can change in that time, including TNA getting a permanent slot going head to head with Raw on Monday nights (the show in January was a one off event).

What can you expect from this sequel that will make it better than the original? How about Criss Angel, magician extraordinaire? No? How about not one but TWO Hulk Hogan matches. No again? Well how about MAGIC? Yeah, we knew that one would get you. Now you may have been excited at the prospect of Vice and I reviewing this show together and letting our conflicting views on these two shows start a war that would never wane in intensity, and we were too. Unfortunately, our Vicey come down with a serious case of “Has to work a shit ton of overtime to catch up on work” with a few side symptoms like “Has No Free Time” and “Curses The Day That Currency Was Ever Invented In The First Place”. It sounds serious. He’ll do his best to chip his two cents in when time allows, but in the meantime let’s all wish him a speedy, and financially rewarding recovery.

Let’s All Support Him As Enthusiastically As These Two.

In the meantime, come watch me, as I cover a historic event in the history of professional wrestling. The true rebirth of the Monday Night Wars. Again. But more so.

Sort of.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


TNA Impact!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: TNA has a new, snazzy opening video, showing slick new production values, and highlighting a number of stars like Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan, amidst shots of guys like Brutus Magnus that look like they got in there by accident. But with that said, this is a great opening video to get the show going, and its miles better than the incredible generic “Cross the Line” shenanigans that they were going with before.

MILES better. Like Miles Davis better.

Here’s what Vice had to say about it to kick off the show:

Envious Vice: New theme = gay
Envious Vice: IT HAS DAFFERS SCREAMING
Envious Vice: OMG
Envious Vice: TIME OUT
Envious Vice: JK
Envious Vice: (sort of)

We’re in for an adventure.

Segment 2 – Hulk (Real American) Hogan and (Real Out Of Place) Abyss vs. AJ (Real Awesome) Styles and Ric (Real Old) Flair.

Cewsh: Alright, first of all, the Impact Zone is going absolutely bonkers for Hulk Hogan, and it makes this whole segment look way cooler than it might otherwise. This is clearly something that they came to see, and they are fucking HYPED to see their red and yellow hero in the ring again.

Or maybe all the cheers are for Abyss? He has a ring, you know. A MAGICAL INSPIRATIONAL ring, which grants him the power of believing in himself, and which everyone around him covets. Which, when I was in school, we called the One Ring, and some stubby dudes threw it in a volcano, but you know how the kids today are with their hip hops and their disrespecting their elders.

Hogan cuts a promo about how he and Abyss don’t want to wait for the main event, because they are totally ready to go right now, so Hogan calls out the champ and Flair and out they come, both dressed in robes, with AJ’s looking like it cost about $20 and Flair’s looking like it cost about $2,000 (guess which one is the champion?) They disrobe (heh, literalness) and Abyss and AJ start off the match and get right to it, with AJ bumping all over the ring for Abyss, making him look like the monster that we all vaguely remember. Then Flair comes in and does the same, bumping all around and doing his Flair thing, before snatching the advantage by grabbing a handful of Abyss’ monster ballsack, which is a move that makes no sense to me. It’s a disqualification to give a guy a low blow, but to squeeze them lovingly is okay?

The match continues for about a minute more before the lights go out and Sting appears completely out of nowhere to stare down Styles and Flair, as Hogan and Abyss stand beside him mocking those silly heels who don’t have Sting on their side. Of course they actually do as Sting SWERVES everyone, nailing Abyss and Hogan with his baseball bat and helping to beat the everloving shit out of both of them, as the crowd cheers louder than ever (which may not be exactly what you want during an enormous heel turn). Then Hogan grabs a mic, and while trying not to turn into the Creature From The Blood Lagoon, he decrees that there will be a rematch of this same match in the main event tonight, except this one will be No Disqualification. Which will be helpful, since Hogan and Abyss have so many allies that will help the…oh wait no, that’s the other team. SMOOTH MOVE EX LAX.

Plus He Bleeds All Over The Camera. Totally Unprofessional.


As a match, this was really pretty much nonexistent. It was more or less a way to grab fans to start the show, while establishing the storyline which would feed through the rest of the program until the main event. For that, and for Sting’s very interesting heel turn, this segment was intriguing, but nothing that happened between the bells was worthy of much notice.

60 out of 100.

Hulk Hogan and Abyss Over Ric Flair and AJ Styles Following Shenanigans.

Segment 3 – Is Steve Borden Going To Have To Choke A Bitch?

Cewsh: IS STEVE BORDEN GOING TO HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?!

Or At Least Hold His Hand Vaguely Near Her Throat?


Yep. Backstage, Dixie Carter confronts Sting, only to have Sting grab her by the throat, toss her to the side, and tell her that he owes her nothing, before storming off. Which may not be in his best interests since she still owns the company and all. But instead of calling the cops, or firing him, or filing a sexual harassment suit, she just looks indignant and stomps off. What exactly DO you have to do to get fired in TNA anyway? Somebody please tell me, so that I can frame Rhino for it.

Segment 4 – AJ Styles and Ric Flair Are Bad At Promos In Totally Different Ways.

Cewsh: Styles has no grasp on how to show this kind of personality, so he forces it wayyyyy too hard, resulting in him sounding like an over eager kid at his dad’s poker game. Whereas Flair completely ignores his protégé, yells until he turns red, and gets increasingly further and further off the topic the longer he is allowed to talk.

The line between “legend” and “dangerously insane old man” has never been more blurred. But hey, the chair is talking to him and he’s not happy about it. Fair enough.

Flair vs. Chair.


Then we get a segment where Brooke Hogan pretends to cry to her dad’s girlfriend about how her dad, Hulk Hogan remember, is totally soft on the inside and is hurting and “he needs to stop before he gets hurt”. Shit, I know he’s old and all but this is HULK HOGAN. Having his daughter intercede on his behalf ranks somewhere around dressing in a tutu and having tea parties while babysitting on the list of things I’d never expect Hulk Hogan to stoop to.

Wait, what’s that? He did that?

Oof.

Segment 5 – An X Division Wrestler Has A Microphone. And Not Even To Hand It To Hulk Hogan Either!

Cewsh: Kazarian is in the ring talking about how he wants to reignite the flame of the dying X Division. He shows a lot of passion talking about how the X Division guys should lead the battle against WWE. It’s not a bad promo, until Daniels interrupts him and says that HE should lead the battle more than anyone else what with all of his credentials, which isn’t a bad argument, really. Doug Williams apparently disagrees, though, as he comes out as well to call everyone wankers, They all jaw at each other for awhile before ANOTHER guy comes out, and this time it’s Eric Bischoff, who has had enough of all of this jibber jabber and wants to see a match between all three guys right this second. So off we go!

Segment 6 – TNA X Division Championship – Doug (The Pug) Williams © vs. Frankie (I Have A First Name!) Kazarian vs. Christopher (Me Too!) Daniels.

Cewsh: Now this is what I’m talking about, despite the shenanigans that led to Kazarian’s title shot being used right now against his will, and Daniels being included in it, despite having done nothing but job for weeks (thus making number one contendership matches kind of superfluous), this is still pretty awesome. So now we get this triple threat match for the X Division title, and while it isn’t anything truly groundbreaking or anything, it is exactly what the doctored ordered to pump some much needed in ring excitement into this show.

You may have heard me criticize these high spot filled, crash course X Division matches in the past, and it’s true that I have, but PPV and tv are two very different things. PPV is the time for high quality and compelling matches with purpose and skill, and tv is the time to just let fly with crazy moves and fast paced shenanigans to make me excited to see what will happen next. When it comes to an entertaining 7 minutes, nothing in wrestling beats the X Division. No doubt about that.

As such, this match was tons of fun, but had very little substance. Still, I’ll reward it justly for being the punch in the arm that this show needed after a few listless segments. More of this, please, and we might have something here.

72 out of 100.

Doug Williams Over Everyone Else Following The Chaos Theory German Suplex On Daniels.

Post Match:

Cewsh: After the match, Shannon Moore charges to the ring in his full on punk get up, with the glittery pants, the big Mohawk and the face paint, and gives Doug Williams one flying headscissors before Williams bails out of the ring, and is informed by Eric Bischoff that Shannon is somehow the new number one contender for the championship at Destination X, despite having done less than nothing do deserve it, aside from sit and watch Jeff Hardy paint, and stand by while he molested some young girls.

This Expression Says It All.


Wheeeee, consequences are imaginary things that don’t have meaning in the Gumball Lollipop Forest of TNA. Wheeeee!

Segment 7 – Dixie Carter Books A Match.

Cewsh: Despite the fact that she said that she would never actually do so, Dixie is backstage with Borash and tells him that she soooo mad at Sting that she’s booking him in a match. When Borash asks who it will be against, Dixie simply says that we’ll find out when everyone else does.

So Dixie’s booking matches, Hogan is wrestling matches, and Ric Flair is too? Sheesh, they should call this place Total Nonstop Promise Breaking Poop Faces.

Yeah that’s right TNA. Feel that sick burn. Feel the HEAT.

Segment 8 – TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – The Canadian Cockatoos (Taylor Wilde and Sarita) vs. The Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne) vs. Chosen At Random (Tara and Angelina Love).

Cewsh: You may notice that no team is labeled as the defending champion here, and it’s no mistake. The reigning Knockouts Tag Team champions were Hamada and Awesome Kong, but after Kong got herself released as a result of Bubba the Love Sponge’s utterly ridiculous comments about Haiti (that the earthquakes were good, and that the people there should be “cleansed”) and Hamada hasn’t been seen since the new regime began, so according to Tenay, they have vacated their titles after 30 days of inactivity. Which is as good an excuse as any, I suppose. Poor Hamada. She got Jannettyed*.

As a result, the only other two tag teams in the company (and a third one which exists in the same way that Santa and Rush Limbaugh exist, only in the hearts of children) are squaring off here for the vacated belt, which is good for the lovely CCs because their tv time has been limited at best since that same regime change.

Unfortunately this match isn’t really going to do much in terms of boosting the CCs up the card any, as they spend almost no time in it. Eventually Tara get’s tagged and Daffney runs in and nails Tara in the back, allowing Madison Rayne to pin her almost casually and for the Beautiful People to, in about 2 minutes, win the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships. They celebrate all excitedly in the ring, though not half as excitedly as Vice celebrates upon seeing his Daffers show up.

Vicegasm.


This was all to get the belts on the Beautiful People and push the Tara/Daffney feud forward in as short a time as physically possible. They did the best they could with the time they had, but you can only pack so much into a 2 minute match, so it is what it is.

40 out of 100.

The Beautiful People Over Everyone Else Following Shenanigans.

Jannettyed – To be screwed over or punished due to something your partner did without consulting you. See: The Rockers Getting Fired From WWE After One Day.

Segment 9 – Ruffy’s Revenge.

Cewsh: D’Angelo Dinero is in the back hitting on Christy Hemme (as is his custom) and is talking his jibba jabba about how he’s going to beat Desmond Wolfe yet again, when Wolfe jumps him from behind, beats him up, and takes a chain and smashes it across Dinero’s injured ankle with a sickening thud and taking the time to mock him thoroughly before leaving with a pleased smile on his face.

Naturally, this being the Impact Zone, the fans immediately break into chants of “Pope Is Pimpin” which he most certainly, literally speaking, is not at that moment.

Next we see Sting descending the stairs from the catwalk (maybe he has a dressing room up there?) for his match against his mystery opponent. Taz makes very sure to ask the question “What were you doing at 4:20 this afternoon, Mike”, which is about as subtle as a brick to the ballsack at terminal velocity, but hey, as long as we know what’s up, let’s get revved up for the excitement!

Segment 10 – From Champions To Wet T-Shirts In Under 5 Segments.

Cewsh: The Beautiful People are backstage celebrating their championship win as only they can (drunk and half naked apparently), and in their excitement they start spraying champagne all over the place and especially all over a hapless Jeremy Borash, who then promptly responds by throwing his drink onto each of their breasts and they jump up and down, making a self contented face, that is one the funniest things I have ever seen.

Segment 11 – (Apparently A Heel Now) Sting vs. Mystery Opponent.

Cewsh: Yeah, the mystery opponent is Rob Van Dam.

In Case You Forgot He Likes His Name And Marijuana.


FUCK YEAH.

Rob Van Dam is always going to be one of my personal favorite wrestlers. Not because his ringwork is so great (though it can be underrated), not for his mic skills (which are somehow OVERRATED, despite being thought of as awful), and not for his look, which is basically Jean Claude Van Dam by way of a 1991 breakdancing competition.

Frankly, I have no idea why I like RVD so much, but dammit, he’s about as fun as can be, and this is the most exciting thing to happen in TNA for me since before the shake up. Sting comes out, looks all imposing, and RVD’s music hits, and even though the music is pretty terrible, the crowd goes insane for Robbie V and blows the roof off of the Impact Zone just like I’m doing at home. Instead of coming down the aisle, though, RVD slides in out of the crowd, hits a springboard kick on Sting, hits him with the Rolling Thunder and wins the match in 12 seconds.

Wait, what?

Yes, the match is over just that quickly, and immediately following its conclusion, Sting grabs his baseball bat and beats RVD senseless with it for about 10 minutes as security guards and wrestlers try to intervene on Rob’s behalf. Finally Hulk Hogan comes lumbering out to put a stop to it, and the security tries to get between them, but they just wind up distracting Hogan long enough to earn HIMSELF a Sting beating as well, before Sting saunters off, leaving RVD and Hulk Hogan broken messes on the floor.

Now look, I’m not going to count this as a match, because it wasn’t a match. It was a little segment designed to get over Sting as a heel, and in that regard it worked marvelously. By the time he was done with RVD and Hogan the crowd was fucking LIVID at Sting, booing him out of the building. However as the lights went down on the segment, the same thought kept passing through my head, “THAT’S how they’re debuting RVD?”

Sting’s bit here was brilliant, and RVD did the most with the time he was given, but Rob Van Dam is probably the last truly big name that TNA is going to have access to for a very long time. He’s still in great wrestling shape, and is basically a god hero to TNA’s fanbase. So you debut him in a 2 second match, and then make him an afterthought to a Sting beatdown and some Hogan interference? I don’t know it just didn’t seem right to me. Maybe it’ll get better next week.

Segment 12 – Hey Yo.

Cewsh: Next up on our wrestling television buffet, we get a big hunk of Kevin Nash with a side of Eric Young, as they come out to challenge Scott Hall and Sean Waltman to a match at Destination X. Now, even though Hall and Waltman don’t officially even work for the company, Nash has gotten special permission to book this match anyway, meaning that Hulk Hogan could literally book YOU in a match with Kevin Nash right now, and you’d have to show up and wrestle it. But please god, nobody tell Ms. Cewsh that, or I’ll never see her again.

Dammit Kevin, Stop Sizing Her Up!


Hall and Waltman show up and say that they’ll wrestle the match, BUT, being the shrewd negotiators that they are, they want a stipulation where if they win then they get full time TNA contracts from that point on. Eric Bischoff pops up on the big screen and they all agree to meet at Destination X (with Hall offering the line “I’ll be the one that looks like Elvis”). Then Waltman slaps Young and things get wild for a second, and before I have any idea what is going on, a MATCH begins between Waltman and Young (which is funny since, again, Waltman doesn’t work there). Young pins Waltman in 7 seconds, and we’re all left blinking wondering what the fuck just happened.

SWERVE.

Segment 13 – TNA Declares War On WWE. Literally.

Cewsh: After the break, the whole entrance area is magically surrounded by army guys in full uniform, who are then followed by Kurt Angle. Angle calls out Mr. Anderson for disrespecting the military and him for his treatment of the necklace that Kurt Angle wears, which he got from a soldier who wanted Kurt to use it for inspiration to be less crazy.

Anderson comes out and is totally humble, respectful and apologetic. And by that I mean he takes a verbal shit on Kurt Angle, the military, puppies, kittens, ponies, and freedom itself, before Kurt runs backstage and levels Anderson in one of the most hilarious examples of realism ever in wrestling. Kurt’s in the ring. Anderson is backstage cutting a nasty promo. Of COURSE Angle knows where that is, so why wouldn’t he just go back there and jump him?

Angle drags Anderson out to the ring, where Anderson is confronted by some pissed the fuck off army dudes, who proceed to tear him a new one outside the ring like a hoard of zombies on Mother Brain from Metroid. After this total wreckery, the army guys lift Angle on their shoulders and parade him around as a triumphant hero.

Now this segment was pretty awesome, all things considered. Anderson and Angle were awesome, and the army guys played their part to perfection, but man, what the hell is there left for them to do on PPV? That was absolute the greatest victory and triumph that could ever come out of this feud. Anything after it will seem kind of disappointing.

But hey, this segment was rad, and probably the best thing on either show so far so no real issues here. I’m just glad to be happy.

Segment 14 – Hulk Hogan, Brooke Hogan, and Bubba the Love Sponge Try To Act.

Cewsh: I would rather watch Mr. Nanny.

Fucking fire Bubba the fucking Love Sponge. He is amongst the world’s biggest shitheads.

In Terms Of Both Quality And Quantity.

Segment 15 – Beer (Is Expensive These Days) Money Inc. vs. Jeff (Flipping Burgers Wasn’t So Bad) Jarrett.

Cewsh: So in case you haven’t been following Impact recently, Eric Bischoff has been treating Jeff Jarrett like garbage, trying to force him to leave TNA by making him a cook, a janitor, taking away his theme music and booking him in matches like this. But Jarrett has refused to back down from Eric Bischoff, and so he winds up taking a huge ass beating every week by whoever Bischoff decides would make it look entertaining this time.

Our ass kickers to be this week are Beer Money, who you may remember as being the top face tag team in TNA eleven minutes ago, but who are now inexplicably heels with absolutely no elaboration as to why and to what end. So they cackle menacingly, jump Jarrett from behind, get him into the ring, and beat the snot out of his for 5 minutes, before mercifully ending things with the D.W.I.

Oddly enough, I like this storyline with Jarrett. Even though they’re basically doing the EXACT SAME STORYLINE AT THE EXACT SAME TIME with Mick Foley, this is the one that has legs, and Jarrett is really doing a great job of being sympathetic as he watching his creation get perverted and stolen from him in ways he never imagined possible. I’m really interested to see where this is going, especially if it leads to Jarrett/Bischoff at Bound for Glory. Which is the worst match that I would ever consider paying money to see.

Segment 16 – Hulk Hogan, Brooke Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge Try To Act Part 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Cewsh: zzzzZZZZZzzzzzZzzzzzzzZzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzz

Segment 17 – Ric (The Dick) Flair and AJ (Frosted Flakes) Styles vs. Hulk (Sulkamania) Hogan and (Seriously, Why Is He Here?) Abyss.

Cewsh: Ah the main event. The epic match where the TNA champion and the number one contender team up with arguably the two biggest legends to ever wrestle to have themselves an amazingly huge, historical tag team match, that is exactly as bad as it sounds.

It’s not that these guys CAN’T have good matches. 3 out of 4 of them have had a great match at some point in the last few years, and Hogan isn’t in much worse condition than he was when Orton carried him to something watchable a few years ago. However as a tag team match, this thing is a mess. Styles is the only one who can bump in the slightest, and he does so EVERYWHERE. Flair starts bleeding right from the beginning and never slows down. Abyss punches people and Hogan punches people also and it all meshes together like peanut butter and crack cocaine. It’s an ugly, ugly match.

No, YOU’RE Ugly.


Finally, at the end, Hogan and Abyss do simultaneous Hulk Ups at completely different speeds, narrowly avoiding bumping into each other numerous times, before Hogan whips Styles across the ring with an Irish Whip, as Abyss catches him in a huge Black Hole Slam for the clean victory over the World Heavyweight Champion. Hogan and Abyss barely have time to catch their breath, though, as Desmond Wolfe runs in with a chair for no reason. He lays waste to both men, and Styles and Flair join in, before D’Angelo Dinero limps down to ringside, only to also get demolished thanks to his bad wheel. Then, as all is lost, our savior appears.

The Charismatic Cellmate Jeff Hardy.

Jeff runs out to the rescue, beating everyone up, slamming Styles down in the perfect position for a Swanton and climbs to the top rope, ready to give the fans what they want and…blackness.

SUCKERS! BWAHAHAHA.


Yep, the show actually cuts off before we get to see anything. Apparently they had already gone over their allotted time and Spike TV pulled the plug. Which is fine, really, because I wanted to pull the plug on this whole match myself.

(Cewsh Note: As it turns out, many of you felt the same way, as the main event of the show did a 0.76 rating, compared to the overall rating of 1.0 for the full show, showing that people tuned out in droves at the idea of watching this match).

47 out of 100.

Abyss and Hulk Hogan over Ric Flair and AJ Styles.

————————————

WWE Raw:

Segment 1 – The Opening Video Will REST…..IN……PEACE.

Cewsh: Raw starts off with the Undertaker making his grand entrance to address the situation with Shawn Michaels, after having made the match officially a Streak vs. Career match previously. Taker talks about how he’s totally going to end Michaels’ career, and about how that is wicked awesome, before Michaels comes out and interrupts them. They go back and forth for a few minutes (while I try to shake how weird it is to see the Undertaker talk so much) before Michaels makes it clear that he wants their match to be a No Disqualification match so that there will be a definitive winner and loser and no question about who the better man is.

I’ve got to tell you, between the videos, the promos, and Shawn’s intensity, this is starting to look like the most exciting match that WWE have put on in YEARS. It has a great build and it’ll be a great match, which is a combination so awesome and, frankly, rare that it feels like we’re really watching something special happen right before our eyes.

Though I still say the match should be a race to see who is balding faster.

Segment 2 – Team Bubbles and Ponies (Kelly Kelly, Eve and Gail Kim) vs. Team Meany Faces (Katie Lea, Alicia Fox and Maryse).

Cewsh: This is our Divas match for the show, as is traditional for Raw, and as is also traditional, there really isn’t any reason behind it past getting them all into one match. Maryse is the current Divas champion, after having defeated Gail Kim in the finals of the tournament for the vacate belt, and I’m not sure if she’s still feuding with Gail now or what, but they’re both here so sure, let’s go with that.

This match basically revolves around the idea that everybody hates Maryse and wants to kill her. Everybody gets involved and does their bit, but the spotlight shines brightest on Eve, who basically gets in all of the offense for her team, and slaps an armbar on Maryse out of nowhere, causing the champion to tap out. So Eve beat Maryse, meaning that she should pretty clearly be the number one contender, something that I heartily endorse. Eve is beautiful, works hard, and is about as capable as you could possibly expect a Diva’s Search winner to be at this point. Still though, this was a throwaway segment, just to get the Divas on the show, and it certainly wasn’t anything I’d call memorable from an in ring standpoint.

So to summarize: Yay Eve! Boo match! Next.

40 out of 100.

Team Bubbles and Ponies Over Team Meany Faces Followed By Chris Jericho’s Favorite Move.

Segment 3 – Criss Angel + Hornswaggle = ?

Cewsh: Criss Angel, otherwise as 2009’s winner of “Biggest Blubbercunt In The Universe”, is the host of tonight’s Raw. Here he does some magic. What kind of magic, you ask? Well he swallows some fishing line and then pulls it out of his eye socket.

I’d Like To See Him Try That With A Rabbit.


TA DA!

Then he punches Jillian Hall in the throat, causing her to be unable to sing, which is a trick I guarantee you will work if you try it on your little brother or sister, but which I must heartily discourage, because unlike Criss Angel, you will get your ass kicked.

MAGIC!

Segment 4 – SHOWMIZ (The Big Show and The Miz) vs. The Friday Night Delights (John Morrison and R-Truth).

Cewsh: This match comes as a result of John Morrison and R-Truth winning the right to fight for the Unified Tag team championships at Wrestlemania. The idea here is that SHOWMIZ don’t take them seriously because they aren’t a real team (unlike SHOWMIZ, who have been together a whole month), and so they’re having this non title preliminary match to prove to everyone that The Friday Night Delights are serious business.

They get into it quick and early. So quickly and so early, in fact, that the ref disqualifies all of them about 2 minutes in as they all brawl on the floor. Eventually Morrison and Truth beat up SHOW MIZ and leave them laying, and tell everyone that they are truly the real deal and will win the titles at Wrestlemania.

Are they paying wrestlers by the hour tonight or what?

Segment 5 – John Cena Respects Babies, Vince McMahon.

Cewsh: Well I mean, he ALLEGEDLY respects babies. But he inflicted 12 Rounds on them, so you never know.

Cena is backstage being interviewed by Josh Matthews, who asks him what he’ll do if Batista interferes in his match with Vince McMahon tonight. Cena answers by saying “I’m counting on it.”

Remember that for later, boys and girls, John Cena is COUNTING on Batista’s interference. Counting on it. Why, it’s almost like he has a plan of some kind…

Segment 6 – Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? MAGIC!

Cewsh: We get another charming segment with Criss Angel, as this time he plies his trade on William Regal and his (totally adorable) rookie, Skip Sheffield. This time he has Regal pick a number, and then he looks loving and longingly into Regal’s eyes, like many a smark has dreamed of. Finally he produces the correct number which he obviously did not prearrange. This causes Skip Sheffield to inform Regal that he owes him a Travis Tritt cd, which earned a grin from me. He’s got some great personality does the big lug.

But that’s not the focus here. What is the focus?

MAGIC.

Segment 7 – Randy (Heartthrob) Orton vs. Ted (Wait, I Thought I Was Getting The Face Turn) Dibiase and Cody (Heel 4 Life.) Rhodes.

Cewsh: Generally speaking, handicap matches don’t really work. If the guy fighting the odds wins, it makes the duo look like total chumps, but if the match proceeds realistically, it just winds up being a huge, drawn out beat down with no real comeback. This match errs closer to the first, as Orton runs out and attacks Legacy before they’re even to the ring, and proceeds to kick the shit out of them for several minutes as they try desperately to get their feet under them and get going.

Of course after Randy Orton spends 10 minutes doing what D-Generation X as a team couldn’t accomplish, he gets tripped up somewhere, and Legacy goes on the offensive, and from there it’s a downhill trip straight to beating land, just as you might expect. No wait, Orton just beats them up some more. Then some more. And then some more again. And then Dibiase hits Dream Street out of nowhere and gets the pin. And then Rhodes hits Crossrhodes on him for good measure. Then they taunt Orton and crow about how they’re going to beat him up at Wrestlemania, not really acknowledging at all that that is a Triple Threat match, rather than a handicap match.

Yeah, this match was really weird, like they were trying to make it okay for Orton to job by having him destroy legacy first, and the fans certainly dug Orton kicking tons of ass, but this was not what you’d call a good match, even if it was the long match I’d been asking for. It was alright, but no more than that.

60 out of 100.

Legacy Over Randy Orton Following Dream Street.

Segment 8 – Batista Is A Friendly Dude.

Cewsh: Batista is backstage talking to Josh Matthews, who asks the big guy whether or not he’s going to interfere in the Cena/McMahon match later tonight. Bats claims that he wouldn’t dream of it, because it’s an issue that doesn’t concern him, and that he even wants Josh to go find Cena and wish him good luck from his old friend Batista.

Aww! Thoughtful!

Remember that one too though, boys and girls. Cena is counting on Bats interfering and Bats has no intention of it. Just bear it in mind.

Segment 9 – Triple H Has A Down To Earth Talk With The Kids Today.

Cewsh: Specifically Sheamus. Trips comes to the ring and starts to cut a promo about how he respects that Sheamus is coming after the top dog in WWE (him), but that there’s he needs to know that young punks try that all the time and if they can win (Cena, Batista) then they become the shit, but if they fail (Booker T) they become nobodies. He even brings up his match with the Ultimate Warrior where he lost in about a minute after Warrior stood straight up after taking the Pedigree, saying that Triple H was too impulsive and he paid for it, and Sheamus shouldn’t make the same mistake.

“…And Then I Decided To Marry The Bosses’ Daughter.”


Sheamus, being Sheamus, punches him in the face. So they start brawling all over ringside as security starts trying to pull them apart. They fail of course, WWE needs to invest in better security for fuck’s sake, and Triple H gets one over on Sheamus, hitting him with a big Spinebuster and staring him down as Sheamus walks to the back.

I really loved this segment to death, both because of each man’s commitment to their characters, and because of how truly relevant and historical Triple H’s promo was, giving context to a feud that otherwise would have lacked it. It’s really effective, and in one segment they sold me their match. Very well done indeed.

Segment 10 – Knock Knock. Who’s There? Cup. Cup Who? Cup MAGIC MOTHERFUCKER.

Cewsh: Criss Angel puts a knife under a cup and puts 3 cups next to it. Santino mixes them up. Angel smashes all of them EXCEPT the one with the knife under it. Gosh, that’s shocking. Santino is greatly impressed however. I am also impressed by the fact that Criss Angel has the ball to actually say to the fucking camera that this hasn’t been worked out ahead of time, because sure, why wouldn’t we just believe him?

MAGIC.

Segment 11 – Money In the Bank Qualifying Match – Evan (Stone) Bourne vs. William (Is Not Good With Ladders) Regal.

Cewsh: This match is for one of the final Money in the Bank match spots, and really either guy could reasonably win. Bourne is a good choice because he’s obviously quite good at the flippies, and Regal could win because every year they seem to slot some older guy who sucks with ladders in there, seemingly as a joke.

The match gets started, and it’s basically the Evan Bourne dies show (which gets great rating on Lifetime I hear), starring William Regal, as Regal puts the kid through his paces and shows him who’s boss. At least, he starts showing him who is boss, and Bourne catches him by surprise with a knee to the face, climbs the ropes and hits a picture perfect Air Bourne to score the win and the Money spot.

I really wish this match had been longer, because they really got cut off before they ever truly got going, and it’s odd for Regal to lose to Bourne so easily considering that Bourne hasn’t exactly been on a huge winning streak lately. Still though, can’t complain against Bourne in the ladder match, and I can’t wait to see him get his chance on the big stage.

60 out of 100.

Evan Bourne Over William Regal Following The Air Bourne.

Segment 12 – John (I HAS A PLAN) Cena vs. Vince (I HAZ ONE TOO) McMahon.

Cewsh: Here we are at our main event of the evening, pitting the young and powerful top star of WWE against the 70 year old owner of the company in what is just a plain old singles match. Wait, what’s that Vince? Oh, now it is apparently a Gauntlet match and Cena has to beat all the superstars that Vince sends at him first. Alrighty then. You know, you’d think faces would learn to stop getting into matches with authority figures. They ALWAYS change the rules. I wonder how this will affect John Cena’s plans.

The first guy out to help Vinny Mac is Vladamir Kozlov, and he immediately wastes John Cena, beating him mercilessly to the ground until Cena looks out of it. Ooookay. Vince sends him to the back for some reason, and tries to pin Cena, who promptly kicks out. Then McMahon calls for somebody else and Drew McIntyre comes out all the way from Smackdown. He then beats Cena within an inch of his life also, and McMahon sends him to the back too, before unsuccessfully trying to pin Cena.

Seriously Vince, send them to the back AFTER you try to pin Cena. This is just inefficient.

Next on the failure wagon is Jack Swagger, who goes after Cena just like the others. Finally, though, Cena starts to fight back, giving his all to take the fight to Vince, before Swagger beats him up anyway, and Vince goes for the pin again. STILL Cena won’t stay down, as he obviously is shooting for the all time high score of no selling the most WWE Superstars in a row in one match. Getting ever more desperate, Vince plays his trump card and summons Mark Henry, who doesn’t want to hurt Cena, but at Vince’s insistence, gives Cena the World’s Strongest Slam. Which of course is now the World’s Most No Sold Slam, because Cena aint having any of that. Henry gets pissed at Vince and goes to beat him down, but Batista flies into the ring and destroys Mark. Yes! Now Cena’s plan can finally be put into place! The one that he was depending on Batista’s interference for!

That plan is…laying on the ground in pain and summoning Kofi Kingston to the rescue. Which is effective for all of 2 seconds before Batista powerbombs him right on his neck for being a bitch.

Good Luck With That Whole Push You’ve Got Going, Buddy.


Then Vince hops in to hit Cena with the ring bell, but Cena fights back, momentarily knocking Bats out of the ring and bearing down on McMahon. McMahon drops the ring bell like it’s a hot potato and tries to make nice with Johnny C. It, uh, doesn’t work. Luckily for Vince, though, Batista is there to spear the shoes right off of Cena. Then he stands over the broken body of his adversary, summons a spotlight on him, and then yells “YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH!” as the show goes off the air. Just like an ancient sea monster of some kind.

The Disembodied Head Approves.


This match was….um. It was definitely…er. Fuck me, I have no idea what the shit was going on here. There wasn’t any actual match, and nor was there really any wrestling. This was an angle disguised in match like clothing, and even for one of those, it was incredibly confusing. Why did Vince keep sending people away? Why would Batista go back on his word (the meany face)? And what the fuck, exactly, was John Cena counting on? Because whatever his plan was, it sucked some seriously dong. Seriously. Sheesh.

50 out of 100.

I Have No Idea Over This Was A Match?

———————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

TNA:


Cewsh: The eternal TNA paradox. In a lot of ways I liked this show and was entertained by it. But in a lot of other ways this show was so miserably off and wrong, and nonsensical that it defies any attempts to my part to defend or rationalize it. The main event (and opening match too, I guess) had few, if any, redeeming qualities. What happened in between was mostly short, choppy and forgettable television that seems to be going places, but with no particular urgency.

Goddamn TNA, let me like you already. This was your chance to fire the first shot of the new Monday Night Wars. It’s just a shame your gun was loaded with blanks.

Raw:


Cewsh: Bloody fuck this show was boring. Things progressed their storylines, and things happened here and there, but this just felt like such an uninspiring show that I can’t even believe I stayed awake throughout the whole thing. There’s really no two ways about it, this was a filler show on the Road to Wrestlemania, and WWE did not give one single shred of a shit about any Monday Night War. They were almost daring us to change the channel, and the craziest thing is, we didn’t.

Final Conclusion:


Cewsh: If this is a war, then we are the casualties. When we last covered the burgeoning rivalry between Raw and Impact, Raw won simply by being an above average show and letting TNA self destruct themselves out of competition. This time, however, WWE put on an absolutely miserably dull showing, and TNA couldn’t even take advantage of it enough to win the night. Simply put, both shows lost the opening round of the Monday Night War. And we lost right along with them. If this is the next great wrestling war, you can find me watching some HUSTLE.

Winner: Vultures.






Well that’ll do it for us this time, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our Cewsh Reviews coverage of the relaunch of the Monday Night Wars, even if it was pretty much a lame duck night altogether. Not exactly an auspicious event to go down in the history books. Still, though, we’ll give TNA a chance to redeem themselves next week with their Destination X PPV, and yes, I promise that I will have either Ms. Cewsh or Vice by my side so you won’t be subjected to the ramblings of a demented sociopath. You’ll be subjected, as usual, to two. Until then, be sure to keep reading, and as always, be good to one another.