Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the incredibly literally named Cewsh Reviews! This week we have a treat for you, as we make our last pit stop (gosh kids, didn’t I ask if you needed to go before we left the house?) on the Road to Wrestlemania, as we review WWE’s Elimination Chamber 2010. This is the last chance for everyone who didn’t win the Royal Rumble (that being everyone who isn’t Edge) to cement their spot in one of the two main events of Wrestlemania. That’s a definite plus. The slight negative may be that they have to get their asses trucked over by a metric ton of steel chains and grating, as they step into the Elimination Chamber to find their destiny.
Who will be the champions of Raw and Smackdown when the smoke clears? What will we find out about the future for Wrestlemania? And is there actually anything on this show that doesn’t take place in an Elimination Chamber? As always, there’s only one way to find out.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Cewsh: Fantastic, intense video here, as can be expected. WWE knows where their bread is buttered, so they always step up their game on the way to the biggest show of the year, and here is no different. We’ve got road metaphors, we’ve got crazy graphics, we’ve got every major player looking like a total beast. But more than anything we are informed that Wrestlemania might be coming up sometime soon. You know, eventually. Not like it’s a big deal or anything.
Segment 2 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Elimination Chamber Match – Sheamus © vs. John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Ted Dibiase vs. Randy Orton.
Cewsh: Alright, the first of two Elimination Chamber matches, and the Raw brand is kicking things off. To those who aren’t familiar, the idea of the Elimination Chamber is that there’s a huge honking cage all around the ring with steel mesh forming the actual cage.
Inside there’s a ring, and built all around it are 4 chambers where guys will be locked in and released every 5 minutes until everybody is out. Out side the ring, between the ring and the cage, is steel grating that serves as sort of an out of bounds area.
You can pin your opponent at any time, or submit them, but it has to be in the ring, the out of bounds area is, well, out of bounds. The chambers are opened randomly at the aforementioned 5 minute intervals, and the last man standing when the dust settles is the new WWE Champion.
Damn that takes a long time to explain.
Ms.Cewsh: We have a lot of silly gimmick matches, but I think this might be the silliest. Seriously, the pods? The cage? The “random” entrants, complete with top down view and flashing lights totally out of “Simon.”?
It looks ridiculous. Plus, the entrances feel like they’re going to take longer than the damn match. Yes, they’re all, (supposed to be,) main eventers and they deserve their fanfare, but fifteen minutes? No wonder there are only four matches on this card. It’s all worth it though, just to hear the pop for my boy.
Cewsh: Sheamus and Kofi Kingston are your two starting combatants here. There general practice is to have two young guys go out at it to start, to give us a fun match before things break down into all sorts of crazy brawling. This is no different, either, as these two have a fun little start to this match, that mostly consists of Sheamus beating the ever loving fuck out of Kofi and then Kofi doing occasional crossbodies.
Ms. Cewsh: Sheamus will be starting against, goddamn it Kofi! Do you even go here? They have a nice singles match that doesn’t make me want to claw my eyes out, mostly because Sheamus decimates Kofi for the majority.
Cewsh: Holy shit! When the light comes on signifying that it’s Triple H’s turn to enter, he gets this huge grin which, in the light, makes him look like the SCARIEST FUCKING THING EVER.
Ms. Cewsh: Trips is the first out of his box and Kofi is immediately forgotten out on the perimeter. Trips and Sheamus brawl. Kofi jumps off the top of a box and then runs around in circles like a kid with one of those carnival pixie sticks as big as your arm. How I loathe him. How I despise him.
Cewsh: Right. NOW it’s a huge brawl.
I’ll sum up the next few minutes for you:
Triple H: Punch.
Triple H: Punch.
Triple H: Ignore.
Triple H: Punch.
Ms. Cewsh: Randy’s box opens next and he timidly enters the ring. My mistake, he actually sprints into the ring and demolishes everyone in sight. Randy throws everyone into the cage. Kofi jumps off another cubicle.
Cewsh: Goddamit Kofi, keep it your pants already. This is a long match. You may want to pace yourself.
Ms. Cewsh: Ted gets to come out next and after a tense moment, he and Randy team up. I never want Legacy to end. I love them. Together they prove that they love me too, by sticking Kofi’s head through the cage. My birthday isn’t for another four months!
Cewsh: I wasn’t sure what they were going to do with Ted and Randy after all the troubles Legacy have been happening, but after they team up they start wrecking havoc. They destroy Kofi in the cage, spike Triple H on the steel grating, and put a serious beating on everything breathing before standing outside of John Cena’s chamber (he’s the only one left so they know he’s coming out soon) like two Rottweilers that can see a steak on the floor through a screen door. Just a matter of time, Johnny Boy. Just a matter of time.
Cewsh: Just a matter of time before John Cena busts out of the chamber when it opens, beats up both members of Legacy single handedly for about 35 minutes, giving them every move in his moveset and hitting the Attitude Adjustment on Dibiase to the steel grating.
What do you think of this, Ms. Cewsh?
Ms. Cewsh: FUCK YOU JOHN CENA! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!
Cewsh: Then, while Cena is beating up Legacy, Robocop, Andre the Giant, and Papa Smurf for getting in his way, Cody Rhodes sneaks up to ringside and slips a pipe in through the mesh so that Randy or Ted can hit Cena with it. Naturally Ted grabs it and hits Randy by mistake, before also hitting Cena as well. He stands over Cena ready to hit him again…until he sees Randy knocked out and gives a big HMMMMMMM.
Cewsh: Yep, you guessed it. He double crosses Randy and pins him, causing Randy to look very perturbed, Cody to look like he’s going to throw up, and Ted to look like he’s passing a kidney stone.
Ms. Cewsh: FUCK YOU TED DIBIASE! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!
Cewsh: Well now, with Orton the first to be eliminated, anything can happen, and Dibiase’s future is uncertain. He may just have given himself a chance to…
Cewsh: …get eliminated by Kofi Kingston just a moment later.
Ms. Cewsh: FUCK YOU KOFI! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU!
Cewsh: I think Ms. Cewsh is going to pull something. I really hope Kofi gets eliminated soon or I’m going to have to hide the breakable objects.
Ms. Cewsh: Heart Sheamus.
Cewsh: Kofi turns around from having pinned Dibiase only to walk right into a vicious kick from Sheamus, who then finishes him off with the Irish Edge (sounds like a brand of soap, doesn’t it?).
Now we’re down to the final three. Sheamus, John Cena and Triple H, and everyone is pretty out of it, except for Sheamus. Sheamus proceeds to continue endearing himself with Ms. Cewsh by immediately going to John Cena and he starts beating the starfish out of him in a major way. Finally, he lifts him up for a devastating Irish Edge.
Cewsh: Triple H comes flying out of nowhere. Low blow, Pedigree, and we are guaranteed a new WWE champion in this match. Sheamus had a great run here but now it’s down between Cena and Triple H, and both guys are out of it.
Ms. Cewsh: Stupid Trips. Holding down the young guys, rabble, rabble, etc.
Cewsh: Suddenly Cena jumps up and slaps the STFU on Triple H. Triple H stays in the hold for long enough to make a microwave burrito (a unit of time measurement starting now) until he can’t take anymore and finally taps out. Leaving us with John Cena as the last man standing, and the new WWE Champion.
Cewsh: As a match in its entirety I was a little underwhelmed. The match did everything it needed to, from furthering the Legacy storyline, to putting over Kofi, Dibiase and Sheamus incredibly strong, but it just didn’t live up to the incredible standard they set for themselves last year. Don’t let that take away from this match too much, though, what was here was a lot of fun, and quite the spectacle. When the worst thing about a match is that it wasn’t QUITE as good as its amazing predecessor, that’s a flaw I can live with.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms. Cewsh: Stupid Trips. Stupid tapping. Stupid match.
78 out of 100.
Cewsh: Wait, what the fuck?
Immediately after the match ends, Mr. McMahon comes out onto the stage and congratulates John Cena on how he’s now going to Wrestlemania…if he can beat Batista in a match right this second. Batista comes out, Cena gets in one punch, and Batista eviscerates him with a Spear and a Batista Bomb, leaving him lying, crumpled and defeated in the ring as Batista walks to the back with the title that Cena JUST won.
Ms.Cewsh: Here was my thought process:
Fuck Cena, doesn’t someone still have a MITB or a Feast or Fired case or something so they can come out and beat him? Wait! Wait. Cena…Edge…OMG OMG OMG OMG, WE’RE GETTING CENA/EDGE!
*Vince’s music hits*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!
FUCK YOU BATISTA! FUCK YOU!
I think I’m fickle.
Cewsh: Fuck man, I can’t even rate this like a regular match, because it wasn’t one. This was all the result of Cena taking Bret Hart’s side against Vince, and Vince got his revenge right here. Not to mention that Batista had been intentionally costing himself title match opportunities recently and refusing to explain it, so this was the plan all along.
What a brilliant, dickish, shocking turn of events. Even we feel bad for John Cena, and Ms. Cewsh and Vice wouldn’t piss on John Cena if he was on fire.
Well they might, but they’d probably wait until after he was dead. THAT’S HOW HARDCORE THEY ARE.
Ms. Cewsh: Once the disappointment about Edge/Cena passed, it wasn’t a bad segment or a bad way to handle their program. I’m still not sure why these two need to be feuding, but at least this gives them reason than Bret Hart.
Segment 4 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Drew (Walks Slowly Now Too) McIntyre © vs. (Who Can We Have Job On PPV…Oh Yeah, How About) Kane.
Cewsh: Our Intercontinental Champion is out first to his new music and entrance, which is very, very interesting. It starts off very softly and slowly, and picks up steam as it goes, with McIntyre walking super slow to the ring like Randy Orton Jr. Ms. Cewsh hated it, because the music didn’t fix the context, and I may be inclined to agree. Maybe McIntyre will learn how to work it, but for the time being I can’t decide whether it’s cool and different, or lame and off putting. Fine line and all that.
As for the match, well, it’s a Kane match on PPV. He actually busts his ass here, and gives us a good Kane match, but even a good Kane match is only so great, and he’s only here to be high profile cannon fodder for Drew. He does his job, and calls it a night, and Drew looks stronger for having beaten Kane, but if you miss this match, you won’t regret it. You’ve seen it a million times before.
70 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I guess Kane still has a place in the company, but I don’t think it’s wrestling on PPV anymore. This is boring. It’s pretty good for Kane, but it’s still boring.
Oh, and he’s back to the pyro that announces when he’ll be losing.
45 out of 100.
Cewsh: Gail Kim is backstage, on her way to the ring, when Maryse stops her, rattles off a speech in French, and then tells Gail how excited she is to have a fun, competitive match with her. Gail then reveals that she knows French, knows that Maryse is full of shit and has been insulting her in it for weeks, and tells her that’s she’s going to kick her ass.
Maryse, seriously. You’re from Montreal. Gail is from Toronto. This is common knowledge. Canada has two national languages. One is English and one is French. So maybe talking shit in French to another Canadian isn’t the wisest idea. Sheesh. It’s like you’re a blonde or something.
(Cewsh Note: We here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters heve nothing against people with blonde hair, nor would we wish to disparage them. Certainly not with words that big, anyway, or we’d have to do it more than once.)
Cewsh: Err…wait a second, maybe a bit premature there.
Cewsh: See, Vickie Guerrero comes out and says that she’s annoyed that the Raw Divas have been talking shit about the Smackdown Divas. Which they really haven’t, but that’s never been important before. Therefore she makes this a tag match with the two title contenders against her favorite Smackdown girls, McCool and Layla.
This “match” is basically just Team Smackdown destroying Kim while Maryse taunts her from the apron. Then, after McCool and Layla win, Maryse gives Gail the French Kiss and taunts her.
Hmm. Yes, this was not good. Not good at all. Kim, Layla and McCool were fine in their brief work, and Maryse was a solid heel, but this just seemed like an odd thing to have happen. Does every match on this show need to be messed with?
60 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Remember last week when I was all, “tournaments should be drawn out!” I’d like to retract that, please. I had no idea this tournament was still going on. Of course, since Vickie comes out and inserts two Smackdown Divas into the match, it’s actually not going on. Can Vickie do that? Is a GM allowed to just add their wrestlers to another show’s match?
This could’ve been a pretty good tag match, except it turned into an overlong segment with Gail getting her ass handed to her and then French Kissed. *sigh*
Maryse’s hair is so fried it’s about to fall out. That would make her a more interesting character.
51 out of 100.
Cewsh: The Miz is backstage talking about how his padawan on the new show WWE NXT is going to be Daniel Bryan (Bryan Danielson to all of you Ring of Honor fans out there. Yep, both of you.) He talks about how even though Daniel Bryan has more wrestling experience than him, he has no personality, and personality and winning are all that matter. Then MVP wanders up, mentions how he beat Miz in a tag match on Raw, and then dumbfoundingly books himself in a United States title match for later tonight.
Can he do that?
If I get on camera, can I do that?
Because I’m totally the number one contender to the Women’s Championship.
Cewsh: William Regal comes out now, to talk about how he’s also participating in WWE NXT. That seems to be about all he had to say, so it doesn’t really seem like anybody should have given him a mic in the first place, but it’s cool because Edge comes out, tells him he’s boring, and spears him to the cheers of the crowd.
Now I WOULD criticize this segment for being about 2 cool points away from being “I Don’t Like You” levels of lame, but I won’t because Edge is so awesome right now that he can get away with it. I don’t know if he’s a face or a tweener or what, but I don’t care. Edge rocks socks to sleep in a baby carriage.
Err…that was a compliment I think.
Segment 9 – WWE United States Championship – The (Real) Miz © vs. M(ultiple) V(elociraptor) P(redicaments).
Cewsh: I’m not really sure what to say about this match.
These guys have been feuding on and off for months now. Their feud is pretty much an extension of MVP’s feud with Jack Swagger which was exactly the same. Insert cocky heel telling MVP he’s a thug and was in prison and is a bad dude. Then MVP beats them up, but never quite wins. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I’m not really sure where they’re going with ol’ Montel at the moment. He hasn’t really progressed forward at all for quite some time, and he hasn’t done anything particularly memorable in the whole time he’s been on the Raw brand. I’m starting to get worried that he’s going to be Future Endeavored if he doesn’t find something to spruce himself up here soon, and I’m not sure at this point that I’d really mind that much, as talented as he has been at times.
Anyway, this match is par for the course. Miz has been getting more and more consistent in his matches and in his heel work, but in matches he still relies on the other guy to provide the excitement, and that’s not the style that MVP brings to the table. As a result their matches kind of plod on and on until the end and the second they’re over, you can’t remember a single thing that happened (aside from Mark Henry doing the gravy train through the security barrier at ringside, causing it to explode like the 4th of July). Miz can do better. So can MVP. I’ll keep waiting for them to prove me right another time.
65 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Diva’s tag was better.
48 out of 100.
Segment 10 – World Heavyweight Championship Match – Elimination Chamber – The Undertaker © vs. Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk vs. R-Truth vs. Rey Mysterio vs. John Morrison.
Cewsh: Hey, remember that other Elimination Chamber match? Yeah, this one works the same way. With the added benefit of the winner of the match actually getting to keep the title after he wins.
If he can keep from having the pyro guys set him on fire for long enough to compete, anyway.
We start this bad boy off with CM Punk and R-Truth, and Punk makes another one of his now legendary sermons on the way to the ring, preaching to and about his adversaries, who are conveniently locked in cages for the time being. They aren’t too pleased, but before they can whip out a chainsaw from underneath their ring gear (and if Jericho could, that’d be astonishing) we get under way.
Ms.Cewsh: This is a much better group of guys than the first Chamber match. R-Truth doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning, but his time in the cage makes him look like a big star. Plus I’m a sucker for athletic guys who can do crazy corkscrew flips.
Cewsh: Surprisingly, Punk catches R-Truth out of nowhere with a huge kick to the face, followed by the Go 2 Sleep to mark the first elimination of this match. R-Truth looked great in his time in, and this match already seems a little fresher for this unexpected event. Punk then grabs the microphone, taunts the Undertaker and John Morrison, and asks us all to let him flow into us, which seems like a pretty good arrangement to me.
Ms. Cewsh: Punk’s sermons are great, but doing it in the middle of a match is getting a little old. I mean I loved it last month, but do I need it again this month? Yeah, probably.
Cewsh: I could listen to him talk all day, but admittedly I have kind of a problem.
Cewsh: Ahem, anyhow, next out of the box is Rey Myterious, who does his general assortment of flips and dives to the oohs and ahhs of the crowd. He and Punk have always had great chemistry, and here is no exception. I’m really starting to take note of Punk’s ability to work equally well with both big and small guys at this point in his career. He seems incredibly adaptable to whatever style the other guy has, and it boosts every single match he’s in.
Unfortunately all good things must come to an end…
Cewsh: Fuck! Is this just going to be a gauntlet match?
Cewsh: Rey Rey gets zero time to rest, as Jericho comes tearing ass out of his chamber to lay waste to Mysterio. If we’re talking about people with chemistry, these two guys have it as much as any two guys on the roster not named Edge and John Cena. Predictably, this portion is fun as hell to watch, as Jericho plays the bully and Rey plays (as always) the underdog.
Cewsh: HERE is where things start to pick up. Morrison comes out at 700 miles per hour, and flies at everything still standing in the ring. Rey and Morrison have some great interaction while Jericho rests up in the corner, before Morrison blocks a Frankensteiner attempt and nails Starship Pain to the surprise of everyone watching, including me. Jesus, that shit was totally out of left field and awesome. And I think Starship Pain actually grazed the guy it was aimed at, so all the better.
Cewsh: Now we’re already down to the final three of Chris Jericho, John Morrison and the Undertaker. Of course the Undertaker is still safely in his box as Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on Morrison, looking to gain the ability to take Taker on mano a mano.
How does that work out for you, Chris?
Cewsh: The Undertaker comes in and starts FUCKING EVERYBODY’S SHIT RIGHT UP. He annihilates Jericho, backhands Morrison away from the grown men’s business, and goes right on annihilating Chris Jericho. He beats him so bad in the corner after throwing him there, that he actually breaks the fucking door off of one of the chambers.
Jericho, not interested in further beating, barricades himself in the chamber until further notice.
Ms. Cewsh: Undertaker and Jericho play off each other incredibly well. Jericho is a great chicken heel. I laughed out loud when he climbed back into the pod. Of course! Why didn’t we think of that before?!
Cewsh: Morrison takes this time to grow a set, and make a serious run at beating the Undertaker, getting him in trouble repeatedly, and really making it seem like he might have a shot at pulling it off. But then the Undertaker makes him pay for his insolence by beating him to within an inch of his life, and then taunting Jericho in the chamber with Morrison’s half unconscious body.
Cewsh: After all that it’s only a matter of time before Taker chokeslams Morrison on the steel grating and sends him packing.
Now we’re down to just Jericho and the Undertaker, and the finishers start coming fast and easy as both men empty their reservoirs of moves, including a Code Breaker by Jericho that makes the whole ring shake.
Ms. Cewsh: It’s such a little thing, but the camera work when Jericho hit the Codebreaker made it look a trillion times more devastating.
Cewsh: Taker and Jericho go back and forth for several minutes, teasing the epic PPV match between them that we’ve never truly gotten. And judging by this, man it would kick some fucking ass.
The match rolls merrily along, until Taker hits the Last Ride and signals for the Tombstone Piledriver. Before he can hit it, though, Shawn Michaels pushes aside a piece of the steel grating from under the ring (!), jumps into the ring, and Superkicks the Undertaker into next Thursday. Jericho considers this action somewhat surprising.
With the Undertaker completely knocked out, Jericho scampers over and steals the victory of a lifetime, becoming the last man standing and the new World Heavyweight Champion. Hooooooooooooooly fuck.
Ms. Cewsh: This was a good match, without much of note, until the Undertaker comes out of his box. There may have been too many submissions. Rey found he had one. Jericho did the Walls like twelve times. Taker got the Hells Gate. I can’t remember that many submissions in a long time.
Of course the match is completely irrelevant, because we’re only here to talk about the finish. Where the hell did Shawn come from, anyway? I’ve watched it three times and I don’t get it. Shawn jumps in the ring, hits ‘Taker with Sweet Chin Music, and hands Jericho the title on a silver platter. As a storyline, it makes complete sense. As a finish to a match? Comme çi, comme ça.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh: This was by far the superior Chamber match. Between the higher level of workrate and star power in the ring, and the overall more interesting booking of the last half of the match, this match shines brightly as the main event of this show. These guys all came out of this match looking like absolute stars, and Chris Jericho and the Undertaker especially look so good after this that you could punch my (television) ticket to Wrestlemania right now just based on those two alone.
The Michaels thing was crazy, but in the context of their story, I can’t help but feel like it was perfect. Now the Undertaker HAS to fight him, as his pride won’t let him do any different. And even if CM Punk got eliminated early, we’re going home with a win for Team Cewsh anytime the belt is around the marvelous waist of Mr. Chris Jericho.
Great match, great story, great main event. Great fucking stuff.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Cewsh: Hmm, well this was certainly a show entirely built upon two matches. Not just in that those two matches were the only good ones, but even that those two matches were ultimately the only ones that meant anything at all. Everything that did not take place in a chamber would have been right at home on a television show, and some of it (Miz/MVP, the Divas tag) wouldn’t have been out of place on Superstars, much less a PPV.
That said, I can’t truly dislike a show with two really great matches on it.
Ms. Cewsh: A lot of my rage at this show is, again, actually at the announcers. They have gone past annoying into distracting and angering. I don’t think King and Striker are playing, they really hate each other. How can I like a show when I want to strangle our hosts?
But, it also was just a bad show. The score is helped by the fact that there are only five matches, but everything not named “Elimination Chamber” was utter crap. It was all too ham-fisted to be entertaining, from Batista, to the bizarre obsession with NXT, to the women’s match, even to Shawn.
The Road to Wrestlemania couldn’t be more straight and clear if they handed us a GPS and a blinking neon sign.
Alright, that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed spending some time eliminating and chambering with us, and revealing to our great surprise that WWE actually topped TNA when it came to overall show score by my count, and lost by Ms. Cewsh’s count. We tried to reach Vice for a tie breaker, but he was on a date with the Midgar Zolom, whom he assures me is “beautiful on the inside”. Be sure to join us next week as we roll out the red carpet for the beggining of the Cewsh Reviews Wrestlemania Month. A month where we review big time shows from all over the world and all over the past as well. And to start you off, we’ll jump in with none other than WWE Summerslam 2002, the Rajah.com runner up for WWE Show of the Decade (Wrestlemania XVII won the prize, but that’s a review for another time).
We hope you’ll join us, and until then remember to keep reading, and be good to one another!