WWE Royal Rumble 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Royal Rumble 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment the Academy Award nominated (even though we’re just going to lose to Avatar), Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you as we roll up our sleeves and prepare to get busy with our favorite event of the year, the WWE Royal Rumble 2010. There’s a mystique about the Royal Rumble that has been built through years and years of amazing and unforgettable memories that surround the event, and in preparation for this year to provide us with even more, we’ve bolstered our ranks with a guest reviewer. We are joined this night by none other than the Bodacious Bookworm himself, the Prodigious Prognosticator, the Scottish Scholar, our beloved MichaelC, and he’s here to be our official Royal Rumble historian for the evening.

There’s At Least A 36% Chance This Is What He Looks Like.

Naturally that’s not all, though, as we here at Cewsh Review Headquarters do things up right at this time of year, and Ms. Cewsh and Vice will be joining us as well to provide their unique view on events as they unfold.

So is Shawn Michaels going to get his shot at the Undertaker at Wrestlemania? Will the Undertaker even still be champion after tonight? And who will step up to be the standout performer in this year’s Rumble, giving us a moment we’ll never forget? As always, for you, and for us, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: I have to say that this video is perfectly fine, but the video they play later on in the night where they break down all of the statistics to do with the Rumble is a million billion times more interesting, and with the song they chose for it, it’s one of the WWE’s best videos in quite some time. The opening video is fine, and gets across the matches (letting the Rumble match sell itself for the most part), and it really makes an effort to drive home just how important the Road to Wrestlemania is. We’re on it, boys and girls. Buckle up.

Ms.Cewsh: Jesus God, I liked the theme of this PPV a lot, a month ago. Now I want to find the artist and ensure they never sing again. Didn’t Fozzy give a song to this, too? Couldn’t we play that sometimes?

Segment 2 – ECW Championship – Christian(s Don’t Believe In The Chupacabra) © vs. Ezekiel (Big Fucking Dude) Jackson.

Cewsh: Christian against Ezekiel Jackson. On paper, this either looks totally awesome, or like a diseased buffalo charging an electric fence.


The match begins, and immediately it becomes clear to me that Jackson has much more of a presence to him than I had been expecting. I watch him every week on ECW, but I’ve never seen him seem so in his element as he seems here, an incredible thing for a PPV rookie. They get going and it also becomes clear very quickly that he is very limited in the ring. He seems to have a few things he feels really comfortable doing, and to his credit he does them very effectively, and Christian weaves a match around Jackson’s strengths, rather than pushing him too hard and exposing his weaknesses.

Thanks to Christian’s leadership, and Jackson’s imposing presence and vicious blows, this match quickly sucks in both me and the crowd, leaving everyone chanting for Christian to find a way to beat this monster. Finally, after taking a pounding and a half, he reverses a slam into the turnbuckle into the ever devastating Killswitch, and sends Jackson back to the locker room empty handed.

I can’t say enough for how much Christian has grown as a performer over the past few years. They’re billing him now as a guy who can adapt to any style and that’s exactly what he is. He has become the rare person who can adapt to any opponent to have a fantastic match, and no two matches are the same. He has reached a level of performance that is almost awe inspiring to watch on a nightly basis, and I’m going to be sad when he leaves ECW for the big leagues, because ECW looks so damn good with him at the top.

77 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Ick.

I love Christian against littler athletic guys, but he’s no fun against big guys. He’s too small to go toe to toe with a guy like Zeke, but too big to be the wily cruiserweight.

Also Ezekiel Jackson sucks donkey dick.

39 out of 100

Christian Over Ezekiel Jackson Following The Killswitch.

Segment 3 – Who Let The Lameness Out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Cewsh: Every once in awhile, WWE unleashes a segment on us that defies any explanation for its existence. Usually this involves referencing pop culture in the most face palm inducing way possible, and this is no different, as Cryme Tyme attempts to petition Teddy Long to give them somebody’s spot in the Rumble so that they can both be in it. They claim that the Great Khali has agreed to go along with this if he can make out with Tiffany. Tiffany, remembering that she’s a woman of authority, and terrified by the world’s biggest chin stabbing her in the lung, declines the offer, causing Cryme Tyme to be sad.

In order to mock them further (for some reason) Teddy Long starts singing the hot new track “Pants On The Ground” made famous by some old guy on American Idol. I’ll link to it here, but if you can derive some sort of enjoyment from it, you’re ahead of me in the pop culture game.

Anyway, after delighting us with this modern classic, he is interrupted by The Miz, who tells him that that song is destined to be as outdated as “Who Let The Dogs Out.” Incensed by this insult (was the American Idol guy Teddy in disguise? He’s really touchy about this), he books Miz in a United States Championship match up next, and Miz is serenaded by Khali singing “Who Let The Dogs Out” as he leaves.

If any of that depressed you to read, I assure you, it depressed me more to write.

Segment 4 – Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes Have Some Sex.

Cewsh: No, not really. But wouldn’t that be crazy? Totally unexpected.

Anyway, Cody wants Randy to know that he’ll be there for him in his match tonight, and that Dibiase has been talking shit behind Randy’s back about how Ted will beat Randy for the title at Wrestlemania.

Then they have sex. GAY ADULT MALE HARDCORE SEX.

Gotta keep those views of the blog coming, dear readers. Gotta keep ‘em coming.

Segment 5 – WWE United States Championship – The (Awesome) Miz © vs. M(ostly) V(otes) (in) P(oland).

Ms.Cewsh: I was going to talk about how despite my hatred of MVP, (and it’s still there, burning strongly,) this was a pretty good match that I found myself enjoying. Instead, I’m going to switch gears.

Jesus fuck Christ, what the fuck is wrong with the announcers? Are they high? Is that it? They’re all high as fucking kites and that’s why they suck worse than an MVP/Rey Mysterio/Kofi Kingston circle jerk? King is just abysmal. He’s a heel. He’s a face. HE’S A FUCKING RACIST PIECE OF SHIT AND SERIOUSLY, STOP LETTING HIM SPEAK!

Stryker, who’s usually so good and entertaining, is gratingly annoying. There isn’t a second when someone’s not flapping their jaws, and it’s never about the goddamn match going on right in front of them!

You’re not funny! Not a single one of you! Shut the fuck up!

62 out of 100

Cewsh: This match was boring.

I hate to break a match down so simplistically, but I can’t help it. These two guys have themselves a match that is totally and completely unremarkable in every possible way, and the more I think about it, the more I think it may be MVP’s fault. I’ve always thought of him as a good up and comer who had good matches, but more and more I struggle to remember what those matches were, and they certainly do seem to be spread out over his tenure in the WWE. I have faith in him and his skills, but somehow it just never seems to come together right.

Here the problem is simply that neither of these guys works anything approaching an exciting in ring style. For Miz that’s a good thing, because he’s a heel, and the way he has adjusted his work has given him the ability to develop more consistent heat. For MVP, though, it’s not so good, as it makes his role in his matches forgettable.

Anyway, this is a solid match, and it serves its purpose, but I wanted more from them, and I expected more. Since it seems like this feud is going to continue, they have time to prove to me that they can put something compelling together. In my eyes, the pressure is all on MVP.

64 out of 100.

The Miz Over MVP Following A Roll Up.

Segment 6 – Jericho and Big Show. Star Crossed Lovers.

Cewsh: Yes, I am going to go out of my way to make wrestling sound like gay porn at every opportunity.

Jericho and Big Show are backstage talking, and Big Show tells Jericho that he’s moved on and that he doesn’t have Jericho’s back anymore, which Jericho refuses to believe.

How will I live without you? I want to know.

R-Truth appears out of nowhere, makes a mockery of Jericho’s pain and then says something that I’ve been puzzling for days afterwards. “Is a fatback greasy?”

Well? Is it?


Segment 7 – Dibiase And Rhodes Are Playing Mind Games. Like Stratego, For Meany Faces.

Cewsh: Orton is walking to the ring for his match, and wouldn’t you know it? Dibiase shows up and says that he’s there for Randy, and that Rhodes is the one plotting against him. Randy is displeased that apparently everyone is a better backstabbing dick than him today, so he tells Ted that he doesn’t want either of their help.


Segment 8 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Sheamus (Captain Carrot) © vs. Randy (The Asp Hole) Orton.

Cewsh: Boy, a heel vs. heel match for the title. These are pretty much the rarest sort of matches, because it is impossible to know how the crowd is going to respond, or if they’ll really respond at all with nobody to cheer for. And these guys aren’t tweeners in the slightest, we’re talking full out crazy bastard heels whom the fans have every reason to detest in their very souls.

It’s an odd choice for a match, but on the other hand, it can’t be worse than Hardcore Holly vs. Brock Lesnar. Something that can be said for just about everything that could ever happen to you that doesn’t combine your private areas with a 800 wrecking ball with drills attached.


Anyway, these two get the party started, and they test each other out in the beginning, feeling out this new unfamiliar opponent. This leads to one of the awesomest little parts of a match in recent memory as Orton ducks out of the way of a clothesline literally slithering on his stomach as he looks up at the very confused Sheamus. Does Randy do anything other than watch snake documentaries on the Discovery Channel all day?

They get into the match proper and it’s a solid, hard hitting affair between two of the better heels in the company right now (well, Orton more than Sheamus, but Sheamus is getting there). It’s not a special contest, but they do enough to make it worthwhile, and in the end, when Cody Rhodes interferes, costing Orton the match by getting him disqualified, we get ourselves a healthy dose of foreshadowing, as Randy spends a few minutes knocking the shit out of both Cody and Ted before Sheamus lays him out with his MechaZord Kick and walks out, head high, despite the fact that he still hasn’t pinned anybody over 6 feet tall.

It really was a decent little match, and while I wouldn’t like to see it revisited, it more than had its part to play on the show. The real story here is the foreshadowing to the breakup of Legacy. I’m not really sure where they’re going with it right now, but they’ve definitely got my attention.

73 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh for fucks sake. Who booked this show? Heel/heel? Yeah, this will work.

King: “A big difference between the two is the skin color”. Really? REALLY?!?

Randy, I love you so much. Why do we keep meeting like this?

42 out of 100

Sheamus Over Randy Orton Following Shenanigans.

Segment 9 – WWE Women’s Championship – Michelle (Not So) McCool © vs. Mickie (Not Fucking Piggy) James.

Cewsh: I’m thrilled that this only lasted about 10 seconds after all of the ridiculous shit that preceded it. Layla in a fat suit. 5 minutes of uninterrupted fat jokes. About 20 video packages about how Mickie James “is a real woman” and how McCool is a huge bitch for no reason.

Let me make my feelings on this clear. Real women can be skinny, fat, hourglass shaped or pear shaped. Suggesting that Mickie James is somehow fat compared to any human other than Michelle McCool (who could become invisible by turning sideways) is an insult to her, the little girls who look up to her, and people with an actual issue.

And aside from that, it isn’t good television. They’ve had no matches, just an unending torrent of abusive segments leading to James winning this match in about 4 seconds. Is that a triumph? Is she a worthy champion now? Did this help anyone?

No. Every time I wish to support women’s wrestling, something like this or ODB comes along, and I can’t accept it. They deserve better as athletes. They deserve better as people.

As so do we.

Though I Did Totally Have A Dream Like This Once.

25 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: This is my worst feud of the year. I don’t care that it started last year. I don’t care that it’s only February. Watch, it’s already written into my 2010 awards.

This show is going down for worst show, too.

10 out of 100

Mickie James Over Michelle McCool Following The MickieDT.

Segment 10 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – The (Voodoo Witch Woman) Undertaker © vs. Rey Mysterio(us. There, I Fixed It).

Cewsh: I get the feeling that I’m going to get a lot of flack for not liking this match.

Don’t get me wrong, I was entertained by it, and both guys are talented in their way, but this is a match that suffered from being an afterthought to the much larger Michaels/Undertaker and Mysterio/Batista feuds, and it just felt like they never really got started.

After feeling each other out for forever, including Taker tossing Rey over the top rope like a sack of potatoes, they had a match that felt like it was in slow motion, as Rey did some moves, and Taker sold for them as much as he reasonably could, and Taker tried to do things to Rey that would destroy him immediately. At some point Taker’s nose got busted open so nastily that he really looked dazed and out of it for the rest of the match, and not long after that, the match sped towards its ending.

Punches In The Nose: Effective On Sharks AND Zombies.

The ending, where Rey hits two 619s, and then gets caught by the Last Ride, was unique and fun, but felt so, so abrupt, and kind of came out of nowhere, so I really didn’t appreciate it as much as I could have.

That’s the story of this match, really. I wanted to like it more than I did, and at the end of the day, there just wasn’t much here. If these two got another chance, I’m convinced it could be better from this, but for now I can’t rate it any higher than I have.

75 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Two men who I hate, who should retire, in a face/face match.

Did I do something wrong?

Did I offend Vince with my constant vulgarities and references to Rey’s homosexual tendencies?

Maybe it was Taker and my repeated insistence that it’s time to hang up the eyeliner?

It must’ve been something, because the only way I could hate this show more is if Kofi was on it. It’s like it was designed to make me cry and drink.

37 out of 100

The Undertaker Over Rey Mysterio Following The Last Ride.

Segment 11 – When Kane Tells You’re Crazy, You’re Fucking CRAZY.

Cewsh: Take note, Shawn Michaels. When Kane thinks you’re getting creepy with your obsession with the Undertaker, he may have some glimmer of a clue as to what he’s talking about.

Segment 12 – THE ROYAL RUMBLE.

Cewsh: Alright, here’s how this is going to work boys and girls. I’m going to document each entrance and elimination. Our comments are going to work chronologically, because none of us were masochistic enough to play by play document the Royal Rumble match, but neither did we want to just summarize and leave things out. So basically the comments are going to go chronologically. The entrances and eliminations will bookmark the comments, so you’ll know what happened in what order. Everyone clear on that? No? Well then figure it out. It’s not goddamn rocket science. Also, and I think this should be basic knowledge, there isn’t actually any way to “spoiler” the Royal Rumble. Anything I talk about at any point will be a spoiler for something else.

So just consider this your overall SPOILER ALERT. Alright? Do not read any further if you don’t want the Rumble spoiled for you.

Now then, with that out of the way, let’s send it over to our resident historian for the evening, Michael!

Michael: Woohoo! After all the unreturned calls, blackmail attempts and restraining orders, I finally got a spot reviewing for Cewsh, even if it is for one night only! It’s no secret I like Rumbles, and I believe I started getting excited for this years match slightly further back than July 2009!

Cewsh: Alright then, with no further teasing, let’s find out who is going to have shotgun on the Road to Wrestlemania.

Entrant #1 – Dolph Ziggler.

Michael: Dolph starts the rumble. See, OMG, I told you he was in it.

Cewsh: A great choice to start the Rumble here. Ziggler is fun to watch and still such a great up and comer, even if he seems to have seriously lost momentum of late.

Michael: Don’t really think #1 is winning it this year. For those with interest, I drew numbers #11 and #13 in the Royal Rumble raffle draw.

Ms.Cewsh: Can you believe this is the same guy who used to shake people’s hands and got tossed out in like 30 seconds last year?

Entrant # 2 – Evan Bourne.

Cewsh: Bourne is out at number two, and he and Ziggler have themselves a photo moment as they both stand in the middle of the ring pointing at the Wrestlemania sign claiming it’ll be them that wins. Um, no boys. It really wont.

“Wait, Has That Been There This Whole Time?”

Ms.Cewsh: The look at the Mania sign was good, but Ziggles way over acts the “It’s mine! No, it’s mine!” Goal for 2010: mic skills.

Cewsh: All he wants for Christmas is some acting skills. And a pony.

Michael: Air Bourne! This immediately smells of a strong person coming in soon in the rumble to clean house ala Rikishi in 2000 or Kane in 2001. Benoit/Vince/Shawn/Rey have all won from the first two spots.

I highly doubt Ziggles or Evan will have much to say about this one however.

Entrant# 3 – CM Punk.

Michael Note: #3 is of course the unlucky number in the Royal Rumble: in ten of the Royal Rumbles, #3 is first man out, and in over half of those, he doesn’t even get to see #4 come in.

Cewsh: PUNK!

Michael: Punk is out early! And flanked by his lovely Serena.

Dolph Ziggler is eliminated by CM Punk.

Cewsh: Well so much for Ziggler making a name for himself here. Oh well, I guess we can look forward to some fun interaction between Punk and…

Evan Bourne is eliminated by CM Punk.

Cewsh: …hmm. Well fuck. That was quick.

Michael: Punk gets in and eliminates both Ziggler and Bourne in short time. My spidey senses work! Now Punk gets on the mic and starts preaching to us about Straight Edge – glorious!

Ms.Cewsh: Punk’s promos are the best part of this show. It’s a much cooler way to kill 30 seconds than just having him mill about. What a bad ass.

Entrant # 4 – JTG.

Michael: JTG can win the Royal Rumble!

The Rock lasted 54 minutes from number 4 in 1998 after all!

Cewsh: The comparisons between JTG and the Rock are endless! Like, um, hmm.

JTG is eliminated by CM Punk.

Michael: He’s out in about 20 seconds. Oh well. Maybe next year. Punk gets back on the mic to continue his preaching as if nothing had happened. Brilliant.

Entrant # 5 – The Great Khali.

Micheal Note: Kane’s epic 2001 started at #6. Gillberg’s equally epic 1999 was #6 also.

Cewsh: Khali comes down, and Punk tries to convince him to join the Straight Edge Society. Khali raises his hand to take the oath and then hits Punk in the face! For no reason at all! What a douche!

Michael: It’s Punk v Khali in the Rumble, a dream match if any.

Punk sells for Khali like a crocodile sells for a hippo (hippo jaws can snap crocs in half, for the unknowing!). Punk looks in trouble and Khali looks strong. And I am one of the few Khali fans, so that’s good here. After all, Punk’s been in 4 minutes and Khali is fresh and bigger. Punk immediately destroying him wouldn’t really fit.

Entrant # 6 – Beth Phoenix.

Michael: WAH? Beth is in the Rumble.

Cewsh: Beth Phoenix comes out next and I’m floored. I had no idea she was going to be in this thing and it’s actually really exciting. She goes face to face with Khali (face to stomach), and is actually looking like a total badass, until Matt Stryker ruins her credibility by saying a bunch of shit about how everyone needs to be gentle with her because she’s just a fragile woman.

Way to kill the moment, Matt.

Ms.Cewsh: “Be gentle”. Fuck you. Seriously. Fucking seriously. Die in a goddamn fire, Stryker. “Never trust a woman.” Just get killed.

The Great Khali is eliminated by Beth Phoenix.

Michael: Khali goes to woman handle her out, but she kisses him out of the ring (you heard that right), then hits a clothesline on Punk! Amazing.

No one had this on their betting slips, I gather!

Entrant # 7 – Zach Ryder.

Michael Note: Jake Roberts returned to the WWF as #7 in 1996.

Cewsh: Ryder is out next. The crowd makes absolutely no reaction. Perhaps because he has roughly the chance of winning that I do, sitting on this couch.

Michael: Oh no, not that idiot.

Beth Phoenix is eliminated by CM Punk.

Michael: Punk tosses Beth. Punk gives a small sermon to Ryder, then whacks him with the mic and the GTS in the middle of talking. A lovely moment, that.

Ms. Cewsh: Having Beth show up was kind of cool, but being only the second woman in a Rumble I wish she’d gone farther or been a bigger deal.

Zach Ryder is eliminated by CM Punk.

Michael: Punk tosses Ryder. Punk has five eliminations in the Rumble thus far! With this and his beating the tar out of HHH on Smackdown, they’re really putting him over at the minute…

Entrant # 8 – Triple H.

Michael Note: Bradshaw, Rey, Batista and Randy Orton have all lasted over 40 minutes from #8 in 1998, 2005, 2008 and 2009 respectively.

Michael: Speak of the devil! HHH and Punk go at it. HHH getting the better of Punk because he’s the fresher. I honestly believe this could be a Mania match right now.

Cewsh: God, I would go nuts for these two to have a serious feud at any point. Not because it would make immediate sense, but just because there’s a real chemistry between the two. When these two lock eyes in the ring, there is serious tension in the air. There is something here to run with. Book it, Vinny Mac.

Ms.Cewsh: Why do I always think Punk is so much smaller than Trips. He actually looks like a threat to him.

Entrant # 9 – Drew McIntyre.

Michael Note: The late, great Big Bossman lasted over 28 minutes from #9 in 2000.

Michael: Woo, a Scot! Finally, a home boy to root for (OK, he’s from 30 miles down the road, but when previous efforts include Naturalised Canadians, I’ll take it!).

Cewsh: Silly Michael, his name is Drew, not Scot.

CM Punk is eliminated by Triple H.

Michael: HHH has a mini-battle with Drew, before Punk reverses the Pedigree into a GTS and HHH reverses that GTS into elimination. Great segment.

Punk was booked very strongly here. Five eliminations, mic time, and further feud time with HHH. Anyone who thinks “OH MY GOD, HHH JUST BURIED PUNK” is, quite frankly, an idiot.

Entrant # 10 – Ted Dibiase.

Michael Note: DiBiase lasted over 40 minutes from #10 in 2009.

Cewsh: Dibiase is out to represent Legacy, and I wonder how big of a deal they’re going to make out of the rift between Rhodes and Dibiase in the Rumble here.

Also, he looks like a 10 year old. I have always thought this.

Michael: Teddy draws the same number two years in a row, just like Khali.

Entrant # 11 – John Morrison.

Michael Note: Previous entries – Andre lasting less than ten minutes in 1990, shocking Cewsh; D’lo Brown’s 30 minutes in 1998, and MAVEN FROM TOUGH ENOUGH ELIMINATES THE UNDERTAKER in 2002!

Cewsh: Oh baby, business is about to see a steady increase of volume and mass! Morrison is in and makes a beeline for McIntyre, who has been a thorn in his side for months now.

Michael: The hosts of Wrestleview Radio picked Morrison to win the Rumble, and I have him in the Sweepstakes. The ring is starting to build up.

Cewsh: Morrison is an intriguing choice, but I don’t think it’s his time just yet.

Entrant # 12 – Kane.

Michael Note: RVD, 40 mins from #12 in 2003; Mike “mth’s favourite” Knox, 30 plus from #12 in 2009.

Cewsh: Kane is out, and the announcers start talking about how he can win with his experience. C’mon everyone. I think it is time to admit that Kane is never, ever winning one of these. He’s going to look scary, throw people out, and then go home to Mrs. Kane and his little Kanenites.

That’d be a killer band name, by the way.

Michael: Mr. Royal Rumble, in the house. If he gets four eliminations in, Kane is the new all-time record holder for Rumble eliminations. Come on big man, you can do it. Clean house, but keep that lovely Scotsman in there. Drew has looked impressive thus far.

Entrant # 13 – Cody Rhodes.

Michael Note: 40 mins exactly for The Rock from #13 in 2001.

Ms.Cewsh: Cody did a Russian Leg Sweep! Calling it, my pick to win!

Michael: Legacy in the ring together. Will we see dissension? Apparently not. The ring is starting to fill up here.

Entrant # 14 – MVP.

Michael Note: Doug Gilbert paid tribute to his late brother Eddie, entering #14 in 1996. Also late, and great, Umaga lasts 30 minutes from #14 in 2008.

Ms.Cewsh: Fuckshit, I have to see you again tonight?

Michael: MVP is comin…no, he’s not, he’s been hit with the US title from behind by The Miz. Feud not over!

Cewsh: Maaaaaaan.

Entrant # 15 – Carlito.

Michael Note: Another sadly dead favourite of mine, Bam Bam Biglow, 30 plus minutes from #15 in 1994.

Cewsh: Holy shit, he still works here?

Michael: Oh god, Carlito. Someone toss him out immediately.

Cewsh: Jesus! Carlito immediately begins kicking the shit out of everyone in the ring. He hits about 746 Back Stabbers before people realize that they should stop trying to clothesline him.

Good Luck Ever Doing This Again, Carlito.

Michael: Everyone sells for Carlito, even HHH. Speaking of Triple H, he is selling for everyone in this match.

Entrant # 16 – The Miz.

Michael Note: Randy Orton got to the final four from #16 in 2007.

Cewsh: The Miz is out, and I’m immediately hoping for some interaction between him and Morrison.

Unfortunately, his heel dickishness comes back to haunt him, and, well…

The Miz is eliminated by MVP.

MVP Is eliminated by MVP.

Michael: The Miz in, MVP is back, and both are out! Build this to Mania! Miz really sucks at Rumbles – 4 rumbles, 3 of them he’s in for about 70 seconds combined.

Entrant # 17 – Matt Hardy.

Michael Note: Owen Hart’s longest Rumble appearance was from #17 in 1996.

Cewsh: Fat Hardy is here to save the day! And he’s actually looking like he’s in good shape. I guess I have to retire the nickname.


Michael: Matt runs straight from the back down to the ring as if he never stopped running from the cops on Tuesday till then! Brilliant!

Matt Hardy is eliminated by Kane.

Michael: Kane then tosses Matt Hardy. Oh well.

Cewsh: Am I the only one who wishes he had just kept running all the way to the back like the Ultimate Warrior?

Kane is eliminated by Triple H.

Michael: Trip’s gets rid of Kane. No record for you this year!

Entrant # 18 – Shawn Michaels.

Michael Note: Shawn won from #18 in 1996!

Cewsh: Oh shit, the consensus favorite to win the whole damn thing is out. Time for some eliminations!

Michael: Shawn is here!

Carlito is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Cody Rhodes is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Ms.Cewsh: Wait, where did Cody go? *sad face*

Ted Dibiase is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Cewsh: Man, all that griping just to get bounced like my check did back in the day.

John Morrison is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Michael: Carlito, Legacy, Morrison all go out at the hands of Shawn. Shawn has just killed my run in the Rajah Rumble Sweep in about 10 seconds. Thanks, mate.

Drew McIntyre is eliminated by DX.

Michael: Drew lasts a bit longer and gets a clothesline in, before DX combine to eliminate the Scot. Good showing from Drew who lasted longest of all the midcarders in this Rumble. Shawn and HHH turn around to stare at each other…

Cewsh: Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.

Ms.Cewsh: PleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips…

Entrant # 19 – John Cena.

Michael Note: Stone Cold and Kurt Angle made the final four from #19 in 2002 and 2004 respectively.

Triple H and Shawn Michaels Are Bemused As Cena Ignores Their “No John’s Allowed” Sign.

Michael: ….and the next man out is only John Cena. Amazing! The crowd is hot!

Cewsh: That’s an understatement. The crowd starts to go nuts for everything, because these are the guys who may actually win this thing. Oh man, this is getting crazy.

Triple H is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Michael: Cena fights down both DX members. HHH saves Shawn from elimination and Shawn repays him with some Sweet Chin Music sending HHH out of the Rumble!

Cewsh: Holy shit! Where did that come from?! Awesome!

Michael: Shocking! I liked this booking. Bring HHH in the Orton position from last year, teasing he’s going to long man the whole thing, then have him shockingly eliminated before the match is even two thirds over. And he didn’t look weak either, and sold for a lot of the midcarder’s offense. That’s what I call good shock booking.

Entrant # 20 – Shelton Benjamin.

Michael Note: RVD returned from a year long injury to make the final four from #20 in 2006.

Cewsh: Benjamin comes out, and beats the fucking shit out of both Cena and Michaels. Man, that’s the strongest he’s looked since he beat Triple H on Raw about 600 years ago.

Shelton Benjamin is eliminated by John Cena.

Cewsh: Benjamin nails Michaels with Paydirt, but when he goes to do the same to cena, Cena catches his ass and over the top he goes.

Michael: Shelton is in and out. Bye.

Entrant # 21 – Yoshitatsu.

Michael Note: The Warlord’s 2 seconds came from #21 in 1989!

Ms.Cewsh: They’re calling Yoshi the Cardiac Kid? Really? Does he have a lot of heart or does he cause an infarction? What a terrible nickname.

Yoshitatsu is eliminated by John Cena.

Michael: I’m going to get some flack here. Yoshi was in for 40 seconds, but he had Shawn Michaels and John Cena, two of the biggest stars in the company, sells his kicks, and then only went out at the hands of the top star. Prime example of “it’s not how long you last, but what you do with your time”. As we are about to see over and over again in the next entrants.

Cewsh: No kidding. It seems like everybody is coming in, and fucking up Cena and Michaels. It makes them look fantastic, but damn. Not something they’ll be doing again anytime soon.

Entrant # 22 – The Big Show.

Michael Note: Big man Earthquake lasted an impressive 24 mins from #22 in 1991.

Should Have Made A “No Giants Allowed” Sign.

Cewsh: I have never seen a better “Awwwww maaaaaan” look than that. Amazing.

Michael: Big Show running down to the ring, and Cena’s look of horror, are priceless.

Entrant # 23 – Mark Henry.

Michael Note: Akeem in the final three from #23 in 1989.

Michael: Big man stare down! Henry almost manages to lift Show up.

Cewsh: They pretty much try to lift each other up for a few minutes while everyone else takes a nap.

Entrant # 24 – Chris Masters.

Michael Note: Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock have all won from #24.

Cewsh: WOO! Masters! He’ll follow in the legacy of Hulk Hogan, the Rock and Steve Austin!

Going All The Way, Baby!

Chris Masters is eliminated by The Big Show.


Michael: Masters is in, and out. I’d have preferred Santino here to be honest.

Entrant # 25 – R-Truth.

Michael Note: John Cena was runner up in 2005 from #25.

Cewsh: Oh man, great number for R-Truth, who gets the crowd back on their feet, and immediately, and incredibly unwisely, takes the fight to the two humungous bastards, having a sumo match on the ropes.

The Big Show is eliminated by R-Truth.

Mark Henry is eliminated by R-Truth.


Entrant # 26 – Jack Swagger.

Michael Note: Scotty 2 Hotty was #26 in 2001, unfortunately for him.

Michael: Swagger is in, and hits some moves. R-Truth still looks good. Cena is going pretty well for someone with a bad back.

Cewsh: I’m really kind of surprised by how many midcard guys are coming in now so late in the Rumble. And by this point, just about everybody has beaten up Cena and Michaels. It’s like the world’s least fun gangbang.

Entrant # 27 – Kofi Kingston.

Michael Note: Big John Studd, Yokozuna, Bret Hart and Stone Cold all won from #27. Bushwhacker Luke… didn’t.

Cewsh: If Kofi wins this Rumble, Ms. Cewsh is going to set something on fire, and I have a feeling it will be me.

Michael: No countdown? Shades of 97, but it seems to hurt Kofi’s pop as he comes out.

R-Truth is eliminated by Kofi Kingston.

Jack Swagger is eliminated by Kofi Kingston.

Michael: Kofi eliminates Swagger and R-Truth, the Truth elimination being one of the standout ones of the match. Kofi is on fire here!

Cewsh: So am I! Don’t make me call Social Services, woman!

Entrant # 28 – Chris Jericho.

Michael Note: Batista won from #28 in 2005.

Cewsh: Jericho is out next, and I’m marking out. All the people I want to win are still in this! Except for Chris Masters. Poor Chris.

Michael: The honest man, and my pick to win this year’s Royal Rumble. Jericho and Shawn go at it for old time’s sake. Shawn goes for SCM on Jericho, but Kofi dives in and hits TROUBLE IN PARADISE on Shawn.

Kofi Kingston is eliminated by John Cena.

Michael: Cena eliminates Kofi. Oh well. Kofi looked very good while he lasted.

Cewsh: Thank Christ, only 3rd degree burns. CENA IS MY HERO.

Entrant # 29 – EDGE!!!!!

Michael Note: Brock Lesnar won from #29 in 2003.

Holy Shit!

Ms.Cewsh: EDGE! This just might save this crap ass show!

Michael: EDGE! Ok, so I predicted it beforehand, but it’s still cool. EDGE, out to the biggest pop all night.

Cewsh: EDGE! I like to yell too! Also, EDGE!

Chris Jericho is eliminated by Edge.

Michael: EDGE and Jericho stare down. EDGE tosses Jericho! There’s goes my pick, and my predictions are all gone to pot, but EDGE!

Cewsh: Oh shit, Edge means business! The whole dynamic of this puppy has changed!

Entrant # 30 – Batista.

Michael Note: In six rumbles, #30 has been one of the final two in the ring.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh God, Batista. If he wins, I quit.

Michael: Hey, I picked Batista as #30. He is the angriest man in Rumble history. No Regal makes me sad and OMG glad. Boo.

Cewsh: I knew that this was the only man left, and fuck is he dangerous in the final spot. We’re down to some serious competition here, and if I weren’t so sure that Michaels was winning this, I’d have some serious doubts about who would be.

Shawn Michaels is eliminated by Batista.


Cewsh: HOLY FUCK! I have no idea what the shit is going to happen now! FUCK!

Michael: Shawn is the first one out to another major shocker, and he snaps. Taker/Shawn will happen, look for Shawn costing taker his world title.

Cewsh: Michaels totally snaps, throwing a temper tantrum and kicking a referee. He’s totally coming unglued. Way to ignore Kane’s advice, Shawn.

Ms.Cewsh: PleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips!

Batista is eliminated by John Cena.

Michael: Batista is next out, rather unexpectedly sudden.

Ms.Cewsh: John? I love you.

Cewsh: Now we’re down to Cena and Edge, my favorite rivalry in wrestling. It has to be Cena, right? I mean what else could possibly…

John Cena is eliminated by Edge.

Cewsh: WHAT THE FUCK?! Edge throws out Cena and wins the Royal Rumble! What is going on?

Ms.Cewsh: Edge? I love you more! Yay!

Michael: EDGE WINS! Edge is back. Brilliant.

Cewsh: I don’t know what to think right now. I never even considered this possibility. Who is he going to face? What brand will he be on? There are so many questions and so much excitement. Holy shit, Edge is back!



Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: The Royal Rumble show is always about the Royal Rumble match. Historically WWE has put on lesser matches underneath of it, because they knew that the Rumble was the draw and they could get away with it. This show is no different, and seems a little more blatant than other years. The Rumble match itself was full of tons of fun and surprises, but the undercard just isn’t worth your time.

Save yourself two hours and just watch the Rumble match. You won’t want to miss a second of it, and you wont have missed anything.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 62.8 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh’s Marauding:

Ms. Cewsh: I hate this show. I hate it so much it hurts. I would rather watch 3 hours of Suicide doing a striptease than ever watch another second of this show, not featuring Edge. He wasn’t the biggest surprise in Rumble history. He wasn’t even revolutionary in the ring. I’m just so thrilled to see someone not stale or over-pushed.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 51.33 out of 100.

Michael’s Final Thoughts:

Michael: The Rumble was fun. From Punk dominating, to Beth Phoenix, to the midcarders all looking good in cameo roles, to Shawn eliminating HHH, to R-Truth and Kofi getting over massively, to EDGE returning.

Not as good a Rumble match as, say, 2002 (the closest one to compare it to) but still a hell of a lot of fun. I assume from here its Punk/Jericho/Taker/Batista/R-Truth/Drew and Kofi/Cena/HBK/HHH/Sheumas/Orton in the Elimination Chambers, and Jericho/Edge, HBK/Taker, MVP/Miz, Punk/HHH, Orton/Legacy, Mickie/Beth, and R-Truth/Kofi in the MITB at Mania.


Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: So, Edge winning is just about the greatest thing to happen in forever. Right? Well, I actually don’t agree. Shocking, I know, but I am Vice after all. In advance, I’d like to say that I do not appreciate my house being set on fire or my cats being poisoned, so after reading the next paragraph, please do not do either of those things.

I dislike that Edge won the Rumble. Not because I don’t enjoy him, because I do. Not because it’s bad for the company, because it isn’t. But because I don’t think he should be getting the honors of this push over someone else. He was a big name that went down with an injury, and he obviously needed to come back with a bang. They could have done it in a different way and also had a lot of impact. The Royal Rumble to Wrestlemania main event push is THE biggest push and one of the highest honors in WWE. So yeah, it does kind of bug the shit out of me that they used it on a guy that’s been out with an injury for the last howevermanymonths it’s been, all the while everyone else has been busting their balls for that exact same period of time, and they don’t get that reward. Let someone who’s earned THAT push through hard work get THAT push, not Edge, who could just come back, say, next month as an entrant in the elimination chamber.

Another question here is how healthy he is. Achilles injuries are awful and need a ton of time to fully heal-if they ever fully heal. Has it healed as well as it can? Is he rushing back from an injury only to land himself another injury very soon, like other wrestlers? Did they give him a relatively easy (in a physical sense) win, counting on him still needing time to heal before Wrestlemania?

It was good to see Edge. It was a great surprise. It was a great moment. Edge winning is not only better than the other options, but it also makes things very intriguing.

I don’t think Edge earned this though. Not by a long shot.


Alright, that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our exuberant coverage of what is usually our favorite show of the year. There were highs, there were lows, and there were surprises aplenty, but as we steer towards the Road to Wrestlemania, one thing remains clear: we’re fucking excited and you should be too. Be sure to tune in next week as we cover (and this time we promise), Wrestle Kingdom IV from Japan, in all of its international glory. And speaking of glory, let’s just say that we here at Cewsh Reviews have a special surprise for all of you coming up to tie into the Super Bowl buzz. What could it be? Riches beyond your wildest dreams. Believe me. In the meantime, be sure to always keep reading, and be good to one another!

Written by Cewsh

I am the owner and operator of Cewsh Reviews. We review pro wrestling shows in a way that is funny and educational. Probably. Usually at least one or the other.


  1. It’s funny reading this in 2019. Vice commenting that Edge shouldn’t have won, it should have been someone who had worked all year to get that spot. Of course, this being just before the time where every year wrestlers come back just for Wrestlemania and don’t wrestle all year, taking spots from people who do. It’s like.. this Royal Rumble started that trend!


  2. “Carlito immediately begins kicking the shit out of everyone in the ring………746 Back Stabbers” LMAO…….

    For those “Michael Notes” you sure love rounding up a ton. RVD 40 minutes? It was 32:57 in 2003, see what I mean…..? Well I won't bitch about those anymore! Love reading these.


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