Monthly Archives: February 2010

WWE Elimination Chamber 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Elimination Chamber 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the incredibly literally named Cewsh Reviews! This week we have a treat for you, as we make our last pit stop (gosh kids, didn’t I ask if you needed to go before we left the house?) on the Road to Wrestlemania, as we review WWE’s Elimination Chamber 2010. This is the last chance for everyone who didn’t win the Royal Rumble (that being everyone who isn’t Edge) to cement their spot in one of the two main events of Wrestlemania. That’s a definite plus. The slight negative may be that they have to get their asses trucked over by a metric ton of steel chains and grating, as they step into the Elimination Chamber to find their destiny.

The Only Way To Wrestlemania Is Through The Steel.

Who will be the champions of Raw and Smackdown when the smoke clears? What will we find out about the future for Wrestlemania? And is there actually anything on this show that doesn’t take place in an Elimination Chamber? As always, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Fantastic, intense video here, as can be expected. WWE knows where their bread is buttered, so they always step up their game on the way to the biggest show of the year, and here is no different. We’ve got road metaphors, we’ve got crazy graphics, we’ve got every major player looking like a total beast. But more than anything we are informed that Wrestlemania might be coming up sometime soon. You know, eventually. Not like it’s a big deal or anything.

 
Segment 2 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Elimination Chamber Match – Sheamus © vs. John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Ted Dibiase vs. Randy Orton.

Cewsh: Alright, the first of two Elimination Chamber matches, and the Raw brand is kicking things off. To those who aren’t familiar, the idea of the Elimination Chamber is that there’s a huge honking cage all around the ring with steel mesh forming the actual cage.

Shown: Huge Honking Cage.


Inside there’s a ring, and built all around it are 4 chambers where guys will be locked in and released every 5 minutes until everybody is out. Out side the ring, between the ring and the cage, is steel grating that serves as sort of an out of bounds area.

You can pin your opponent at any time, or submit them, but it has to be in the ring, the out of bounds area is, well, out of bounds. The chambers are opened randomly at the aforementioned 5 minute intervals, and the last man standing when the dust settles is the new WWE Champion.

Damn that takes a long time to explain.

Ms.Cewsh: We have a lot of silly gimmick matches, but I think this might be the silliest. Seriously, the pods? The cage? The “random” entrants, complete with top down view and flashing lights totally out of “Simon.”?

Holy Shit. This Game Was Awesome.


It looks ridiculous. Plus, the entrances feel like they’re going to take longer than the damn match. Yes, they’re all, (supposed to be,) main eventers and they deserve their fanfare, but fifteen minutes? No wonder there are only four matches on this card. It’s all worth it though, just to hear the pop for my boy.

Cewsh: Sheamus and Kofi Kingston are your two starting combatants here. There general practice is to have two young guys go out at it to start, to give us a fun match before things break down into all sorts of crazy brawling. This is no different, either, as these two have a fun little start to this match, that mostly consists of Sheamus beating the ever loving fuck out of Kofi and then Kofi doing occasional crossbodies.

Ms. Cewsh: Sheamus will be starting against, goddamn it Kofi! Do you even go here? They have a nice singles match that doesn’t make me want to claw my eyes out, mostly because Sheamus decimates Kofi for the majority.

Triple H Has Entered The Match.

Cewsh: Holy shit! When the light comes on signifying that it’s Triple H’s turn to enter, he gets this huge grin which, in the light, makes him look like the SCARIEST FUCKING THING EVER.

He’s Like The Fucking Lite Brite Monster.

Ms. Cewsh: Trips is the first out of his box and Kofi is immediately forgotten out on the perimeter. Trips and Sheamus brawl. Kofi jumps off the top of a box and then runs around in circles like a kid with one of those carnival pixie sticks as big as your arm. How I loathe him. How I despise him.

Cewsh: Right. NOW it’s a huge brawl.

I’ll sum up the next few minutes for you:

Sheamus: Punch.
Triple H: Punch.
Sheamus: Punch.
Triple H: Punch.
Kofi: CROSSBODY@!
Sheamus: Ignore.
Triple H: Ignore.
Sheamus: Punch.
Triple H: Punch.

Randy Orton Has Entered The Match.

Ms. Cewsh: Randy’s box opens next and he timidly enters the ring. My mistake, he actually sprints into the ring and demolishes everyone in sight. Randy throws everyone into the cage. Kofi jumps off another cubicle.

Cewsh: Goddamit Kofi, keep it your pants already. This is a long match. You may want to pace yourself.

Ted Dibiase Has Entered The Match.

Ms. Cewsh: Ted gets to come out next and after a tense moment, he and Randy team up. I never want Legacy to end. I love them. Together they prove that they love me too, by sticking Kofi’s head through the cage. My birthday isn’t for another four months!

Tight Fit, Buddy?

Cewsh: I wasn’t sure what they were going to do with Ted and Randy after all the troubles Legacy have been happening, but after they team up they start wrecking havoc. They destroy Kofi in the cage, spike Triple H on the steel grating, and put a serious beating on everything breathing before standing outside of John Cena’s chamber (he’s the only one left so they know he’s coming out soon) like two Rottweilers that can see a steak on the floor through a screen door. Just a matter of time, Johnny Boy. Just a matter of time.

John Cena Has Entered The Match.

Cewsh: Just a matter of time before John Cena busts out of the chamber when it opens, beats up both members of Legacy single handedly for about 35 minutes, giving them every move in his moveset and hitting the Attitude Adjustment on Dibiase to the steel grating.

Yay?

What do you think of this, Ms. Cewsh?

Ms. Cewsh: FUCK YOU JOHN CENA! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

Cewsh: Then, while Cena is beating up Legacy, Robocop, Andre the Giant, and Papa Smurf for getting in his way, Cody Rhodes sneaks up to ringside and slips a pipe in through the mesh so that Randy or Ted can hit Cena with it. Naturally Ted grabs it and hits Randy by mistake, before also hitting Cena as well. He stands over Cena ready to hit him again…until he sees Randy knocked out and gives a big HMMMMMMM.

Randy Orton Is Eliminated By Ted Dibiase.

Cewsh: Yep, you guessed it. He double crosses Randy and pins him, causing Randy to look very perturbed, Cody to look like he’s going to throw up, and Ted to look like he’s passing a kidney stone.

Or Like He’s Really Skeptical Of Something.

Ms. Cewsh: FUCK YOU TED DIBIASE! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!

Cewsh: Well now, with Orton the first to be eliminated, anything can happen, and Dibiase’s future is uncertain. He may just have given himself a chance to…

Ted Dibiase Is Eliminated By Kofi Kingston.

Cewsh: …get eliminated by Kofi Kingston just a moment later.

Ms. Cewsh: FUCK YOU KOFI! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUU!

Cewsh: I think Ms. Cewsh is going to pull something. I really hope Kofi gets eliminated soon or I’m going to have to hide the breakable objects.

Kofi Kingston Is Eliminated By Sheamus.

Cewsh: Phew.

Ms. Cewsh: Heart Sheamus.

Cewsh: Kofi turns around from having pinned Dibiase only to walk right into a vicious kick from Sheamus, who then finishes him off with the Irish Edge (sounds like a brand of soap, doesn’t it?).

Now we’re down to the final three. Sheamus, John Cena and Triple H, and everyone is pretty out of it, except for Sheamus. Sheamus proceeds to continue endearing himself with Ms. Cewsh by immediately going to John Cena and he starts beating the starfish out of him in a major way. Finally, he lifts him up for a devastating Irish Edge.

Sheamus Has Been Eliminated By Triple H.

Cewsh: Triple H comes flying out of nowhere. Low blow, Pedigree, and we are guaranteed a new WWE champion in this match. Sheamus had a great run here but now it’s down between Cena and Triple H, and both guys are out of it.

Ms. Cewsh: Stupid Trips. Holding down the young guys, rabble, rabble, etc.

Cewsh: Suddenly Cena jumps up and slaps the STFU on Triple H. Triple H stays in the hold for long enough to make a microwave burrito (a unit of time measurement starting now) until he can’t take anymore and finally taps out. Leaving us with John Cena as the last man standing, and the new WWE Champion.

Triple H Is Eliminated By John Cena.

Cewsh: As a match in its entirety I was a little underwhelmed. The match did everything it needed to, from furthering the Legacy storyline, to putting over Kofi, Dibiase and Sheamus incredibly strong, but it just didn’t live up to the incredible standard they set for themselves last year. Don’t let that take away from this match too much, though, what was here was a lot of fun, and quite the spectacle. When the worst thing about a match is that it wasn’t QUITE as good as its amazing predecessor, that’s a flaw I can live with.


84 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms. Cewsh: Stupid Trips. Stupid tapping. Stupid match.

Fucking Cena.

78 out of 100.

John Cena Wins The Elimination Chamber Match.

Segment 3 – WWE Championship – John Cena © vs. Batista.

Cewsh: Wait, what the fuck?

Immediately after the match ends, Mr. McMahon comes out onto the stage and congratulates John Cena on how he’s now going to Wrestlemania…if he can beat Batista in a match right this second. Batista comes out, Cena gets in one punch, and Batista eviscerates him with a Spear and a Batista Bomb, leaving him lying, crumpled and defeated in the ring as Batista walks to the back with the title that Cena JUST won.

Ms.Cewsh: Here was my thought process:

Fuck Cena, doesn’t someone still have a MITB or a Feast or Fired case or something so they can come out and beat him? Wait! Wait. Cena…Edge…OMG OMG OMG OMG, WE’RE GETTING CENA/EDGE!

*Vince’s music hits*

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME!

FUCK YOU BATISTA! FUCK YOU!

I think I’m fickle.

Cewsh: Fuck man, I can’t even rate this like a regular match, because it wasn’t one. This was all the result of Cena taking Bret Hart’s side against Vince, and Vince got his revenge right here. Not to mention that Batista had been intentionally costing himself title match opportunities recently and refusing to explain it, so this was the plan all along.

What a brilliant, dickish, shocking turn of events. Even we feel bad for John Cena, and Ms. Cewsh and Vice wouldn’t piss on John Cena if he was on fire.

Well they might, but they’d probably wait until after he was dead. THAT’S HOW HARDCORE THEY ARE.

Ms. Cewsh: Once the disappointment about Edge/Cena passed, it wasn’t a bad segment or a bad way to handle their program. I’m still not sure why these two need to be feuding, but at least this gives them reason than Bret Hart.

Segment 4 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Drew (Walks Slowly Now Too) McIntyre © vs. (Who Can We Have Job On PPV…Oh Yeah, How About) Kane.

Cewsh: Our Intercontinental Champion is out first to his new music and entrance, which is very, very interesting. It starts off very softly and slowly, and picks up steam as it goes, with McIntyre walking super slow to the ring like Randy Orton Jr. Ms. Cewsh hated it, because the music didn’t fix the context, and I may be inclined to agree. Maybe McIntyre will learn how to work it, but for the time being I can’t decide whether it’s cool and different, or lame and off putting. Fine line and all that.

As for the match, well, it’s a Kane match on PPV. He actually busts his ass here, and gives us a good Kane match, but even a good Kane match is only so great, and he’s only here to be high profile cannon fodder for Drew. He does his job, and calls it a night, and Drew looks stronger for having beaten Kane, but if you miss this match, you won’t regret it. You’ve seen it a million times before.

70 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: I guess Kane still has a place in the company, but I don’t think it’s wrestling on PPV anymore. This is boring. It’s pretty good for Kane, but it’s still boring.

Oh, and he’s back to the pyro that announces when he’ll be losing.

Spoiler Alert: Kane’s Going To Lose.


45 out of 100.

Drew McIntyre Over Kane Following The Future Shock DDT.

Segment 5 – Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi Ce Soir?

Cewsh: Gail Kim is backstage, on her way to the ring, when Maryse stops her, rattles off a speech in French, and then tells Gail how excited she is to have a fun, competitive match with her. Gail then reveals that she knows French, knows that Maryse is full of shit and has been insulting her in it for weeks, and tells her that’s she’s going to kick her ass.

Maryse, seriously. You’re from Montreal. Gail is from Toronto. This is common knowledge. Canada has two national languages. One is English and one is French. So maybe talking shit in French to another Canadian isn’t the wisest idea. Sheesh. It’s like you’re a blonde or something.

(Cewsh Note: We here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters heve nothing against people with blonde hair, nor would we wish to disparage them. Certainly not with words that big, anyway, or we’d have to do it more than once.)

Segment 6 – WWE Divas Championship – Maryse (A Roni) vs. Gail (Force Winds) Kim.

Cewsh: Err…wait a second, maybe a bit premature there.

Segment 6 – Team Raw (Maryse and Gail Kim) vs. Team Smackdown (Michelle McCool and Layla).

Cewsh: See, Vickie Guerrero comes out and says that she’s annoyed that the Raw Divas have been talking shit about the Smackdown Divas. Which they really haven’t, but that’s never been important before. Therefore she makes this a tag match with the two title contenders against her favorite Smackdown girls, McCool and Layla.

This “match” is basically just Team Smackdown destroying Kim while Maryse taunts her from the apron. Then, after McCool and Layla win, Maryse gives Gail the French Kiss and taunts her.

Hmm. Yes, this was not good. Not good at all. Kim, Layla and McCool were fine in their brief work, and Maryse was a solid heel, but this just seemed like an odd thing to have happen. Does every match on this show need to be messed with?

60 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Remember last week when I was all, “tournaments should be drawn out!” I’d like to retract that, please. I had no idea this tournament was still going on. Of course, since Vickie comes out and inserts two Smackdown Divas into the match, it’s actually not going on. Can Vickie do that? Is a GM allowed to just add their wrestlers to another show’s match?

This could’ve been a pretty good tag match, except it turned into an overlong segment with Gail getting her ass handed to her and then French Kissed. *sigh*

Maryse’s hair is so fried it’s about to fall out. That would make her a more interesting character.

51 out of 100.

Team Smackdown Over Team Raw Following The Faith Breaker.

Segment 7 – Apparently Everyone Can Make Whatever Matches They Want.

Cewsh: The Miz is backstage talking about how his padawan on the new show WWE NXT is going to be Daniel Bryan (Bryan Danielson to all of you Ring of Honor fans out there. Yep, both of you.) He talks about how even though Daniel Bryan has more wrestling experience than him, he has no personality, and personality and winning are all that matter. Then MVP wanders up, mentions how he beat Miz in a tag match on Raw, and then dumbfoundingly books himself in a United States title match for later tonight.

Can he do that?

If I get on camera, can I do that?

Because I’m totally the number one contender to the Women’s Championship.

Segment 8 – People Also Can Apparently Get Promo Time To Talk About Whatever They Feel Like.

Cewsh: William Regal comes out now, to talk about how he’s also participating in WWE NXT. That seems to be about all he had to say, so it doesn’t really seem like anybody should have given him a mic in the first place, but it’s cool because Edge comes out, tells him he’s boring, and spears him to the cheers of the crowd.

Now I WOULD criticize this segment for being about 2 cool points away from being “I Don’t Like You” levels of lame, but I won’t because Edge is so awesome right now that he can get away with it. I don’t know if he’s a face or a tweener or what, but I don’t care. Edge rocks socks to sleep in a baby carriage.

Err…that was a compliment I think.

Segment 9 – WWE United States Championship – The (Real) Miz © vs. M(ultiple) V(elociraptor) P(redicaments).

Cewsh: I’m not really sure what to say about this match.

These guys have been feuding on and off for months now. Their feud is pretty much an extension of MVP’s feud with Jack Swagger which was exactly the same. Insert cocky heel telling MVP he’s a thug and was in prison and is a bad dude. Then MVP beats them up, but never quite wins. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’m not really sure where they’re going with ol’ Montel at the moment. He hasn’t really progressed forward at all for quite some time, and he hasn’t done anything particularly memorable in the whole time he’s been on the Raw brand. I’m starting to get worried that he’s going to be Future Endeavored if he doesn’t find something to spruce himself up here soon, and I’m not sure at this point that I’d really mind that much, as talented as he has been at times.

Anyway, this match is par for the course. Miz has been getting more and more consistent in his matches and in his heel work, but in matches he still relies on the other guy to provide the excitement, and that’s not the style that MVP brings to the table. As a result their matches kind of plod on and on until the end and the second they’re over, you can’t remember a single thing that happened (aside from Mark Henry doing the gravy train through the security barrier at ringside, causing it to explode like the 4th of July). Miz can do better. So can MVP. I’ll keep waiting for them to prove me right another time.

65 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Diva’s tag was better.

48 out of 100.

Segment 10 – World Heavyweight Championship Match – Elimination Chamber – The Undertaker © vs. Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk vs. R-Truth vs. Rey Mysterio vs. John Morrison.

Cewsh: Hey, remember that other Elimination Chamber match? Yeah, this one works the same way. With the added benefit of the winner of the match actually getting to keep the title after he wins.

If he can keep from having the pyro guys set him on fire for long enough to compete, anyway.

He’s On FIRRRRRE.


We start this bad boy off with CM Punk and R-Truth, and Punk makes another one of his now legendary sermons on the way to the ring, preaching to and about his adversaries, who are conveniently locked in cages for the time being. They aren’t too pleased, but before they can whip out a chainsaw from underneath their ring gear (and if Jericho could, that’d be astonishing) we get under way.

Ms.Cewsh: This is a much better group of guys than the first Chamber match. R-Truth doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning, but his time in the cage makes him look like a big star. Plus I’m a sucker for athletic guys who can do crazy corkscrew flips.

R-Truth Is Eliminated By CM Punk.


Cewsh: Surprisingly, Punk catches R-Truth out of nowhere with a huge kick to the face, followed by the Go 2 Sleep to mark the first elimination of this match. R-Truth looked great in his time in, and this match already seems a little fresher for this unexpected event. Punk then grabs the microphone, taunts the Undertaker and John Morrison, and asks us all to let him flow into us, which seems like a pretty good arrangement to me.

Admit It. You Put Your Hand To The Screen When He Tells You To.

Ms. Cewsh: Punk’s sermons are great, but doing it in the middle of a match is getting a little old. I mean I loved it last month, but do I need it again this month? Yeah, probably.

Cewsh: I could listen to him talk all day, but admittedly I have kind of a problem.

Rey Mysterio Has Entered The Match.

Cewsh: Ahem, anyhow, next out of the box is Rey Myterious, who does his general assortment of flips and dives to the oohs and ahhs of the crowd. He and Punk have always had great chemistry, and here is no exception. I’m really starting to take note of Punk’s ability to work equally well with both big and small guys at this point in his career. He seems incredibly adaptable to whatever style the other guy has, and it boosts every single match he’s in.

Unfortunately all good things must come to an end…

CM Punk Is Eliminated By Rey Mysterio.

Cewsh: Fuck! Is this just going to be a gauntlet match?

Chris Jericho Has Entered The Match.

Cewsh: Rey Rey gets zero time to rest, as Jericho comes tearing ass out of his chamber to lay waste to Mysterio. If we’re talking about people with chemistry, these two guys have it as much as any two guys on the roster not named Edge and John Cena. Predictably, this portion is fun as hell to watch, as Jericho plays the bully and Rey plays (as always) the underdog.

John Morrison Has Entered The Match.

Cewsh: HERE is where things start to pick up. Morrison comes out at 700 miles per hour, and flies at everything still standing in the ring. Rey and Morrison have some great interaction while Jericho rests up in the corner, before Morrison blocks a Frankensteiner attempt and nails Starship Pain to the surprise of everyone watching, including me. Jesus, that shit was totally out of left field and awesome. And I think Starship Pain actually grazed the guy it was aimed at, so all the better.

Rey Mysterio Is Eliminated By John Morrison.

Cewsh: Now we’re already down to the final three of Chris Jericho, John Morrison and the Undertaker. Of course the Undertaker is still safely in his box as Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho on Morrison, looking to gain the ability to take Taker on mano a mano.

How does that work out for you, Chris?

Not So Good, I Gather.

The Undertaker Has Entered The Match.

Cewsh: The Undertaker comes in and starts FUCKING EVERYBODY’S SHIT RIGHT UP. He annihilates Jericho, backhands Morrison away from the grown men’s business, and goes right on annihilating Chris Jericho. He beats him so bad in the corner after throwing him there, that he actually breaks the fucking door off of one of the chambers.

Jericho, not interested in further beating, barricades himself in the chamber until further notice.

This Will Never Get Old.



Ms. Cewsh
: Undertaker and Jericho play off each other incredibly well. Jericho is a great chicken heel. I laughed out loud when he climbed back into the pod. Of course! Why didn’t we think of that before?!

Cewsh: Morrison takes this time to grow a set, and make a serious run at beating the Undertaker, getting him in trouble repeatedly, and really making it seem like he might have a shot at pulling it off. But then the Undertaker makes him pay for his insolence by beating him to within an inch of his life, and then taunting Jericho in the chamber with Morrison’s half unconscious body.

Jericho: Go Away!
Undertaker: You’re next!

Morrison: Mmmrphguprh.

John Morrison Has Been Eliminated By The Undertaker.

Cewsh: After all that it’s only a matter of time before Taker chokeslams Morrison on the steel grating and sends him packing.

Now we’re down to just Jericho and the Undertaker, and the finishers start coming fast and easy as both men empty their reservoirs of moves, including a Code Breaker by Jericho that makes the whole ring shake.

Ms. Cewsh: It’s such a little thing, but the camera work when Jericho hit the Codebreaker made it look a trillion times more devastating.

Cewsh: Taker and Jericho go back and forth for several minutes, teasing the epic PPV match between them that we’ve never truly gotten. And judging by this, man it would kick some fucking ass.

The match rolls merrily along, until Taker hits the Last Ride and signals for the Tombstone Piledriver. Before he can hit it, though, Shawn Michaels pushes aside a piece of the steel grating from under the ring (!), jumps into the ring, and Superkicks the Undertaker into next Thursday. Jericho considers this action somewhat surprising.

Did I Leave The Stove On?


With the Undertaker completely knocked out, Jericho scampers over and steals the victory of a lifetime, becoming the last man standing and the new World Heavyweight Champion. Hooooooooooooooly fuck.

Ms. Cewsh: This was a good match, without much of note, until the Undertaker comes out of his box. There may have been too many submissions. Rey found he had one. Jericho did the Walls like twelve times. Taker got the Hells Gate. I can’t remember that many submissions in a long time.

Of course the match is completely irrelevant, because we’re only here to talk about the finish. Where the hell did Shawn come from, anyway? I’ve watched it three times and I don’t get it. Shawn jumps in the ring, hits ‘Taker with Sweet Chin Music, and hands Jericho the title on a silver platter. As a storyline, it makes complete sense. As a finish to a match? Comme çi, comme ça.

81 out of 100.

Cewsh: This was by far the superior Chamber match. Between the higher level of workrate and star power in the ring, and the overall more interesting booking of the last half of the match, this match shines brightly as the main event of this show. These guys all came out of this match looking like absolute stars, and Chris Jericho and the Undertaker especially look so good after this that you could punch my (television) ticket to Wrestlemania right now just based on those two alone.

The Michaels thing was crazy, but in the context of their story, I can’t help but feel like it was perfect. Now the Undertaker HAS to fight him, as his pride won’t let him do any different. And even if CM Punk got eliminated early, we’re going home with a win for Team Cewsh anytime the belt is around the marvelous waist of Mr. Chris Jericho.

Great match, great story, great main event. Great fucking stuff.


90 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Chris Jericho Wins The Elimination Chamber Match.

—————————–

Cewsh’s Conclusion:


Cewsh: Hmm, well this was certainly a show entirely built upon two matches. Not just in that those two matches were the only good ones, but even that those two matches were ultimately the only ones that meant anything at all. Everything that did not take place in a chamber would have been right at home on a television show, and some of it (Miz/MVP, the Divas tag) wouldn’t have been out of place on Superstars, much less a PPV.

That said, I can’t truly dislike a show with two really great matches on it.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 73.8 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh’s Mic:


Ms. Cewsh: A lot of my rage at this show is, again, actually at the announcers. They have gone past annoying into distracting and angering. I don’t think King and Striker are playing, they really hate each other. How can I like a show when I want to strangle our hosts?

But, it also was just a bad show. The score is helped by the fact that there are only five matches, but everything not named “Elimination Chamber” was utter crap. It was all too ham-fisted to be entertaining, from Batista, to the bizarre obsession with NXT, to the women’s match, even to Shawn.

The Road to Wrestlemania couldn’t be more straight and clear if they handed us a GPS and a blinking neon sign.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 60.6 out of 100.

Alright, that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed spending some time eliminating and chambering with us, and revealing to our great surprise that WWE actually topped TNA when it came to overall show score by my count, and lost by Ms. Cewsh’s count. We tried to reach Vice for a tie breaker, but he was on a date with the Midgar Zolom, whom he assures me is “beautiful on the inside”. Be sure to join us next week as we roll out the red carpet for the beggining of the Cewsh Reviews Wrestlemania Month. A month where we review big time shows from all over the world and all over the past as well. And to start you off, we’ll jump in with none other than WWE Summerslam 2002, the Rajah.com runner up for WWE Show of the Decade (Wrestlemania XVII won the prize, but that’s a review for another time).

We hope you’ll join us, and until then remember to keep reading, and be good to one another!

TNA Against All Odds 2010

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Against All Odds 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the most accurate and unbiased review blog on all of the internets, and also the best, Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you as we summon forth our reserves and bring you our second review this week. Normally we can hardly be convinced to put up one review a week, but this week we’re operating on previously untapped reserves (black tar heroin) andwith Cewsh, Ms. Cewsh and Vice all together to tackle the show for the first time in ages, we have all the energy we need to tackle TNA’s Against All Odds pay per view.

Now this show is rather interesting, as it is essentially comprised of one tag match, a World title match, and the rest is the conclusion of the Eight Card Stud tournament, to determine the number one contender to the TNA World Heavyweight Championship at Lockdown in April. What will we think of this King of the Ring like tournament and the unusual format for TNA? Will TNA be able to pull off a successful show built around mostly midcarders? Will The Nasty Boys be so bad in the ring that we will research ways to travel back in time to stop it from annihilating the human race? Naturally, there’s only one way to find out.

So with no further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FE…Wait What?

Cewsh: We open the show greeted with the lovely calm visage of one Richard Flair, who isn’t exactly happy about the fact that Eric Bischoff has named himself the special referee of the title match tonight. He daintily explains this to one Christina Hemme, and assures us all that though he and Eric have had difficulties in the past, they will put aside their issues like gentlemen so th…

Wait, did I say calm visage? What I meant to say is that Ric Flair bursts through a random door like a crazy person, turning so red that you could use him to direct ships at sea, and screaming at the top of his lungs about how he’s going to murderize Eric Bischoff and about how he and AJ have been screwed. Then he totters off somewhere to upset small children and get an ice cream cone.


What Do You Mean They’re Out of Waffle Cones?!


I’m really not sure why this had to occur BEFORE the opening video, but hey, an angry old man deserves attention, just to see if he’ll start elbowing his jacket.

Ms.Cewsh: Ric is going to give himself a heart attack. This absolutely does not belong before the video. No. Just no. This is not how you do a PPV.

Vice: I was horrendously disappointed that Ric Flair kicked the door open and not Shark Boy. Where the hell is that ocean-dwelling shell yeah-ing fuck? I miss him.

Segment 2 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER TAKE TWO!

Cewsh: Well this was kind of anticlimactic after Flair’s insane ranting, but it gets the job done well enough. Since the television has been hyping the Eight Card Stud tournament to the moon, this video focuses more on hyping our title match of the evening, as Samoa Joe has face on AJ Styles, due to AJ being such a douchebag to everyone lately. They show Joe’s impassioned promo from Impact about how he has to reteach AJ how to be a man, and they really make it seem like a top notch title match, even though it literally had about 10 minutes worth of hype before now.

But hell, who cares? JOE VS. AJ. I’m doing a goddamn jig right now.

Vice: This opening video’s song reminded me a LOT of the epic song from 28 Days/Weeks Later.

Segment 3 – Eight Card Stud Tournament Quarterfinals – Desmond (Has A Personality?) Wolfe vs. D’Angelo (Has More Than One Personality) Dinero.

Ms.Cewsh: I’m trying a new thing where I say nice things about TNA. I can’t guarantee it will work. Fortunately, this is a match I’m OK with. Dinero is a great character, if a little muddled, and good in the ring. Wolfe seems to have significantly more personality than he did last month when I did Impact. I’m kind of feeling this.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel one night tournaments. I’m going to see two someones, (*cough*Wolfe*cough*,) three times tonight. Tournaments can lend a real sport feel to a story, which is good, but I like them to be spread out more. Do the quarter finals on Impact one week, the semis the next, and the finals on the PPV. Now there’s room for an X-Division and a Women’s match on this show! Yay!

The match isn’t as much fun as I was hoping for. Wolfe keeps control for the majority, keeping Dinero grounded. This is a shame because this is the closest to an X-Division match as we’re getting tonight. It’s not bad, it’s just Wolfe doesn’t wrestle a style I particularly enjoy. Add to that the fact that my pick to win it all went out in the first round and, eh.

I do kind of love the graphic for the tournament brackets, though. It’s really cute.

69 out of 100.

Cewsh: We kick off the show in interesting fashion, as we get two tournament underdogs facing each other here in the quarterfinals. Ms. Cewsh professes that she believes that Desmond Wolfe is going to win here, but I have to admit, I find it hard to believe that either of these guys has a real shot with Kurt Angle in the tournament on the other side of the bracket. There does seem to a be a real shot of getting Wolfe/Angle 4 though, and I certainly wouldn’t turn my nose up at that.

As the match gets started, it becomes immediately clear that Desmond Wolfe is going to be your pilot for this evening’s flight, as he grounds Pope with some really interesting and effective moves like snapping the ring rope into Pope’s face to catch him off guard, and tripping Pope face first into the ropes. Of course, after awhile, Dinero Hulks the fuck up and starts leveling Wolfe with his whole moveset before finally nailing the D’Angelo Dinero Express seemingly out of nowhere for the surprise pinfall!

This was a pretty good opening match, all things told. It wasn’t as exciting as it might have been, but given the options on the show, it certainly seems like the right choice, and it certainly did a great job of putting Dinero over big time without making Wolfe look very week at all. All in a all, a great day at the office for both men, and Dinero still has at least one more match to go.

74 out of 100.

Vice: Wolfe wears black, purple and silver. Seriously, my three favorite colors. Clearly he is a god amongst men, and has been doing great in TNA. I love him.

Dinero is brilliant, and he’s been on fire lately. He is going to be huge if they don’t fuck him up.

The last time these two wrestled on PPV (I think), it was a fantastic match that I absolutely loved. Long, full of great storytelling and psychology and had a wicked ending. These two have a lot of chemistry, so this match kicking off the show is making my mouth water.

This was much shorter and a bit disappointing based off their last encounter, but that’s not to say it was bad. Because it wasn’t at all. It was just a basic match with very few bells and whistles, but it did exactly what it needed to do. A bittersweet moment.

D’Angelo Dinero Over Desmond Wolfe Following The D’Angelo Dinero Express.

Segment 4 – RIC FLAIR IS FUCKING ANGRY.

Cewsh: Flair bursts into Bichoff’s office, and he’s STILL REALLY REALLY MAD.

This is important to know, because when he has a heart attack later on in the night and people wonder why it was that it happened, you can confidently tell them that it’s because Ric Flair spends this whole show yelling, and turning red like a cartoon character after eating some kind of insanely hot pepper.

Anyway, he yells at Bischoff for making himself guest referee behind Flair’s back, and Bischoff totally makes him look like a bitch and orders him to go away. Flair then forgets which direction the door is in, before leaving in a huff.

Man, 4 segments in, and Flair’s jacket remains unmolested. What’s up with that?

Segment 5 – Yeah, This Isn’t Going To Last.

Cewsh: Hernandez and Morgan are backstage talking about how they’re the tag team champs, so they’re going to stay friends and just have this be a friendly competitive match up.

Yeah. And I’m the Virgin Mary. Have these guys even seen a wrestling show? Attention Hernandez! Morgan JUST BETRAYED A TEAMMATE LIKE A YEAR AGO.


Look At Him. HE IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY.


C’mon guys, you should really pay attention to this stuff. I’m just saying that you’ll regret not listening to me.

Segment 6 – Eight Card Stud Tournament Quarterfinals – (His And) Hernandez vs. Matt (Captain) Morgan.

Cewsh: I hate to say I told you so, but…well actually I love to say I told you so.

Hernandez, I told you so.

These two have themselves a decent, if very, very slow paced back and forth match, going with the whole “friendly rivals” things, and refusing to to really try to hurt each other at first. Eventually they start to get down to business, though, and they start pounding on each other going for the win.

From the start Morgan starts showing subtle heel signs, doing his cocky mannerisms, and being much more willing to hurt Hernandez than the other way around, but in the end, he turned the douche nozzle up full throttle and roll him up with a hand on the ropes, cheating his buddy out of a win, and laughing it up all the while.

He hands Hernie his belt back and acts like nothing is up, but Hernie doesn’t seem convinced. And he shouldn’t be. Because he’s AN IDIOT.

74 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Hey, there’s a story behind this match! It’s pretty compelling. Hernandez and Morgan have the tag belts, but bad luck! They drew each other in the tourney! Luckily they’re faces so they decide to have a real exhibition to see who the better man is.

Match starts out with a lot of shoulders, then some knees, then some elbows. It doesn’t feel like there are any moves between, like the transitions are missing. And despite the announcers praising his speed, Morgan seems to in slow motion. It starts to pick up speed every time Hernandez is the one in control, only to be halted again. Cewsh suggested that maybe the wrestlers aren’t used to the four sided ring. It’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if there’s a deliberate, “they don’t want to hurt each other,” angle working.

55 out of 100.

Vice: This match bored me shitless. I like the idea of tag champs going against each other, but the styles of the champs obviously makes or breaks it. The Machine Guns going against each other works very well because it’s just a fast, ridiculous match. This is a match where both big guys reaaaaally only excel when they are beating up much smaller guys that can bump their asses off. So, this was a bit of a clunker minus a few parts. One of them being an insane spot where SuperMex goes for a delayed vertical suplex, and has Morgan vertical for like 3 and a half minutes. Such an impressive display of strength. And then a dive onto Morgan onto the entrance platform. It was sweet. I love those platforms.

Matt Morgan Over Hernandez Following Shenanigans.

Segment 7 – Fun Fact: Kurt Angle Can Walk And Chew Gum At The Same Time.

Cewsh: The more you know, the more you grow.

Segment 8 – Eight Card Stud Tournament Quarterfinals – Ken (Kenne…wait) Anderson vs. Kurt (Best In The World) Angle.

Cewsh: I am convinced at this point that Kurt Angle could carry 3 rats, a dust pan, 6 cacti and the cast of Repo! The Genetic Opera to a gold medal match.

What we get here is either the coming out party for a side of Ken Anderson that I wasn’t aware existed, or the single most compelling evidence ever assembled that points to Kurt Angle being an unstoppable juggernaut of not shittiness. Here, he carries Anderson to not just a good match, but what borders on being a great one, as Anderson uses every heel tactic in the book, including stabbing Angle with his own necklace, spitting in his face, and using every combination of cheating roll up that he can think of.


There Is Spittle In This Picture. I Challenge You To Find It.


And it all comes off fantastically. Let me say that again. Kurt Angle makes Ken Anderson look MASTERFUL. No matter who he wrestles, no matter where or how or what the stupid gimmick is, it doesn’t matter. Angle = Good Match.

I’d say that they should put that on his tombstone, but you know how whiny little kids get when they don’t get mentioned. Pssh, in my day, our dads walked 10 miles through the snow to carve his own tombstone with his bare hands, and when he was done we were lucky if it was even legible, since he couldn’t read. Or write. OR FEEL.

Crawling in my skin. These woooounds they will not heeeeal.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Anderson is a gay. This was by far his best match in TNA from what I’ve seen, but that isn’t exactly saying a lot. I was surprised that Kurt Angle got knocked out so early, though I am not surprised that Anderson didn’t lose. If he wins this tournament, I riot.

But to give credit where credit is due, Anderson really did do a lot of good things in this match. And to give Kurt Angle credit, he did his best to put Anderson over like a motherfucker, and did a fairly good job.

BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD.

Ms.Cewsh: I wasn’t a big Kennedy fan in WWE, and I think I’ve been pretty vocal about TNA hiring WWE guys to use them in exactly the same gimmick. It’s cheap, exploitative, and hurts their homegrown stars. THAT said, Anderson recovers beautifully when his mic has “a mind of its own.” (I didn’t notice, but since Tazz commented on it, it was smart to play it off.) He certainly doesn’t lack for charisma or mic skills.

I also haven’t been the biggest Angle mark, so it’s safe to assume I’m going to tear this match apart. Except it’s an excellent match. A really excellent match. Kurt looks like a million bucks. He starts off strongly in control as the face veteran, quickly succumbing to the naughty heel’s tricks. He sells his ass off, never giving up or staying down. Anderson is either finally fresh, (no Cewsh, I didn’t mistype,) or has improved in-ring since his tenure with WWE.

Just a teeny, tiny criticism. This is a competitive, fast-paced match. Whoever told the camera guy to pan to the bloody dog tags, and focus on them for a good two count, should not get to direct the camera guy anymore. That’s a great visual AFTER the match.

Again, teeny criticism because Anderson plays the greatest heel I’ve seen in ages. And you know, it was nice to see blood in a match. I thought I preferred wrestling without, but it does add to the tension. Good job TNA, you changed my mind on something.

86 out of 100.

Ken Anderson over Kurt Angle Following The Mic Check.

Segment 9 – How Many Times Can We Use The Word Shenanigans In One Segment?

Cewsh: Lots.

Segment 10 – Eight Card Stud Tournament Quarterfinals – (The George Foreman Grill) Abyss vs. Mick (Please Retire) Foley.

Ms.Cewsh: And then you have to go and do this to me. Why ya gotta make me hate you, baby?

I’m exaggerating. This isn’t a good match, but it’s certainly not the worst these two men could have had. Bisch told them to use Barbie, so the entire match is a struggle between hitting a friend with a bat wrapped in barbed wire and keeping their jobs. In more adept hands, this could be a compelling story. In Mick and Abyss’, it involves tacks. *shudder*

44 out of 100.

Vice: Yeah, I’ll be honest here.. I used my Get Out of Crap Free card on this match.

Cewsh: Everybody gets one.

The story of this match was interesting because it was much more of an angle than an actual wrestling match, something that is usually taboo for a tournament like this, but which didn’t matter much here since the first round had been so otherwise filled with surprises and good matches.

Foley and Abyss spend this whole match trying to not harm one another while still pretending to harm each other. It creates a strange dance where they’re sort of faking wrestling, which is fake. In the hands of more capable performers, this could have been more compelling, but ultimately with these two it falls flat. It just sort of becomes the kind of listless brawl you’d hope a match with a story this built in could avoid being.

45 out of 100.

Abyss Over Mick Foley Following The Black Hole Slam.

Segment 11 – One Nasty Promo.

Cewsh: More like one too many, AM I RIGHT?!

Sorry.

The Nasty Boys promo about how they’re going to show Team 3D that there are other legendary tag teams out there, and they close by saying that if they don’t win tonight, then there’s no reason for them to even stay here.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m thinking of hopping the rail and helping Team 3D.

Segment 12 – Team 3D(eep Fried Waffles To Go Please) vs. The Nasty (And Ugly While We’re At it) Boys.

Vice: There is nothing worse than cashing in your Get Out of Crap Free card only to find yourself face to face with The Nasty Boys (yes, those Nasty Boys) and Team 3D. Fuck my life.

Cewsh: Hey wait a minute! Complaining about his Get Out Of Crap Free Card earned him another Get Out of Crap Free Card!

I’m on to you, bub.

Anyway, this match was ugly with as many u’s as you can fit on the word. Knobss is not in anything a rational human being would call ring shape, D’Von is far behind him on the conditioning meter from the looks of things, Saggs is in phenomenal shape for how long he’s been out, but he was never exactly spry, and so that leaves poor Brother Ray all alone to carry this match on his ample back.,

Make no mistake about it, we aren’t huge Brother Ray fans here at Cewsh Reviews or anything, but his effort here, to try to transform this match into something watchable was admirable and appreciate, but ultimately nobody around him bothered to sell a goddamn thing, so every just sort of wandered around until Jimmy Hart shows up out of nowhere and tosses Knobs a motorcycle helmet, which he uses to bash Brother Ray in the head, allowing them to scoop up the victory.

Believe me when I tell you. This is not a good match. I refuse to even watch it again just to take screenshots. That’s how bad it is. Hats off to Brother Ray for trying. Hats back on to everyone else.

38 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: My only experience with the Nasty Boys has been CCW. Maybe TNA should bring back Danny Bonaduce to feud with them! They could get Dustin Diamond as his tag partner. A million buys, right there. I guarantee.

Knobbs might be the worst wrestler in the history of wrestling. In a suck off with Suicide and Kofi Kingston, he would lap them at least thrice. It’s really, really sad. Like a dog that needs to be put down.

I had Jimmy Hart spoiled for me, except I care so little for the Nasty Boys I didn’t realize it was a spoiler. He looks fabulous, though. Can we see him wrestle next time?


34 out of 100.

The Nasty Boys Over Team 3D Following Shenanigans.

Segment 13 – Samoa Joe Is A Face Now, Or Something.

Cewsh: So the big storyline now is, as I said before, Samoa Joe is a face all of a sudden, and now he’s backstage talking to Eric Bischoff, who desperately wants Joe to win so that Bisch can fire Ric Flair, what with Flair no longer being the manager of the champion.

Then he tells Joe to watch his temper. Which is sort of like telling him to watch his weight. It’s not going to happen, and you’re probably risking getting your ass kicked just for bringing it up. Totally not worth it.

Segment 14 – Eight Card Stud Tournament Semi Finals – D(ainty)’Angelo Dinero vs. Matt Morgan (Fairchild).

Cewsh: So, on the topic of random turns, it appears that Matt Morgan is a heel now, at least for the duration of this show, and what a great heel he is. Some guys are just born to be assholes, and Matt Morgan is such a natural at being an absolute jerk, that it must come naturally to him. From looking into the camera and talking trash whenever it gets close to him to picking Dinero up and dropping with like garbage after checking his imaginary watch, Morgan has the heel thing totally under control, and watching him, I decided that he was probably the odds on favorite to win this thing after how the first round shook out.

….so of course Dinero comes back from the dead, and nails the DDE out of absolutely nowhere, following Morgan missing with the Carbon Footprint and getting caught up in the ropes. The rapid and delightful ascension of Dinero continues, and my streak of being wrong CONSTANTLY follows suit.

Pope may be pimpin. But Cewsh sure isn’t.

79 out of 100.

Vice: When the match started, I saw Matt Morgan’s title belt in one of the corners, so I was thinking that it was going to end up getting used at some point because belts usually go up by the commentary booth. So, Burke was my pick to win via shenanigans. Until some random person walked up and dragged the belt off. Then I was thinking Morgan, ‘cause Morgan is really really big and Pope is not really really big. Thinking about it though, both guys could have a great match with AJ. Pope and AJ would be gold, and Morgan and AJ could be a fucking fabulous David vs. Goliath. AJ is one of the absolute best when it comes to getting the snot kicked out of him.

After a somewhat decently good match, Pope comes out of nowhere and wins the fucking thing. I marked out quite a bit. The only real problem I have here is with the production team. You know, the guys that completely fucked up the camera angles so that you almost have no idea that Pope actually hit his finisher on the big man.

Ms.Cewsh: Despite running just a touch long, this match is much higher quality than either man’s first match.

Morgan plays an excellent cocky heel. Whether this is the beginning of a turn, or just for tonight, it’s clearly what he excels at. Does his little watch check move have a name? He conveys more with that move than he ever has in a promo.

For his part, Dinero bumps very effectively, while still looking dominant when his turn comes. His talents and athleticism are shown much more effectively. He hits a DDT out of nowhere about two minutes before the end of the match that I found particularly gorgeous. The end was quick and surprising, but certainly not disappointing.

77 out of 100.

D’Angelo Dinero over Matt Morgan Following The D’Angelo Dinero Express.

Segment 14 – Mr. Anderson’s Neighborhood.

Cewsh: Mr. Anderson is understandably cocky, following his sound defeat of Kurt Angle earlier in the evening, and he’s equally condiment about his upcoming match with Abyss. Which, I mean, I would be too. Abyss has been beaten more this month than Ron Jeremy.

Hell, Ron Jeremy would be more threatening at this point too.

Segment 15 – Eight Card Stud Tournament Semi Finals – Ken (Dr.) Anderson vs. (The Slap Chop) Abyss.

Cewsh: This match. This match is not so good.

It’s not that it’s awful, as such, like the Nasty Boys or the first Abyss match. It’s simply that there’s nothing of any worth here. Anderson’s brilliant heel work from the previous match is dimmed significantly by Abyss’ inability to sell any of his offense, and his double inability to get any sympathy from the fans, what with him being a monster who never stops crying and all.

Ultimately, the best thing I can say here, is that this match was short. Short and dull. Not exactly the most ringing endorsement. But my endorsement is positively ringing next to these two…

64 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: 45 out of 100.

Vice: …

Cewsh: …sheesh. Do yourselves a favor a skip this one.

Ken Anderson Over Abyss Following The Mic Check.

Segment 16 – The Champ Is Here. And He’s Frosted.

Cewsh: Styles and Flair are backstage talking to Christy Hemme about how ready AJ is for this match. The new and improved heel AJ is sporting diamond earrings, frosted blonde hair, and a Flair-esque ring robe, with a floppy hood, ala AJ.


Now THAT Is Pimpin’


All in all I’m torn between thinking that his embracing of this heel character is beyond awesome, and being desperate for him to say ZIP IT.

Segment 17 – Hey. Keep The Elephant Door Closed.


Hmm…

Ms.Cewsh: We have elephants?

Segment 18 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – AJ (Stylin’ And Profilin’) Styles © vs. Samoa (Wait, What Is He Doing In The Main Event?) Joe.

Cewsh: Jesus, are there even words for how much I want to see this match?

I mean aside from “fuck” and “lot”.

First of all, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles are perfect together. They complement each other perfectly, with Joe being able to throw AJ around, and AJ having just enough serious offense to get Joe in trouble, they’re a match made in heaven. And as many times as we’ve seen them wrestle, this is the first time it’s ever been like this, with Joe as the angry face, and Styles as the calm, collected, cocky heel with manager backup. What’s not to like here? It’s like if you started eating an ice cream cone, and SURPRISE, now it tastes like chocolate cake. Either way, what you have is fucking delicious, and this way you don’t get a headache.

85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.





 

 Vice: Seriously, every time AJ and Joe are in the ring at the same time, whether it’s one on one, triple threat, tag match, six man, king of the mountain, whatever, they are fucking magical. They are peanut butter and jelly. Chips and dip. Cake and ice cream. Steak and a blowjob. They just go so well together.


Here’s The Steak.


I will say that this was one of their weaker matches, but that isn’t exactly an insult considering the greatness they’ve shown over the years. They could have had AJ play a chickenshit heel that changes his style up 110% or dumbs himself down or whatever. But they gave him a new character and he’s still wrestling the same sort of way as he has been recently. Why? Because that’s what got him the title and made him the best fucking wrestler in the company. So it makes sense that he can take it to Joe like he always has, but FINALLY is able to defeat him with a little outside help. Unless I am forgetting a match of theirs, Joe won via choke in their first two matches, then via sleeper suplex thingy in round three. So, good for AJ.

And Here’s The Blowjob.


AJ bumped his ass off here, letting Joe absolutely murder him when the time was right. That said, AJ was in control most of the match which I did kind of like. AJ’s character is changing and evolving, but it’s a slow transition and not some ridiculous 180 like so many others in the past have done. AJ also had some hilarious moments. The first one comes really early when he bails out of the ring in a goofily slick way. Then later on he yells out “I’ll kill you, you stupid Samoan!” as he dives at a weak Joe, only to eat an STJoe for his troubles. AJ is just so great in everything he does. And his Flair robe has a fucking HOOD on it. Amazing.

Ms.Cewsh: I’m not sure how I feel about this match.

On one hand, I can find nothing to complain about technically. AJ looks great, Joe looks good. On paper, this is an excellent match.

On the other, the ref and manager’s stories overshadow the wrestlers. This match would’ve been better without them.

On a third hand, AJ’s current character really needs Ric, so you can’t get rid of him.

On a fourth, I hate that AJ’s turned heel and they’ve turned a homegrown talent into a mini Flair.

79 out of 100.

AJ Styles Over Samoa Joe Following The Styles Clash.

Segment 19 – Anderson Has A Bucket List.

Cewsh: Anderson is backstage, and he cuts a promo about how he had a few goals coming into tonight’s show. First was to beat Kurt Angle, which he naturally did. The second was to beat Abyss, which, I mean, is a reasonable guess, but assumes more than a little. The third was apparently to beat D’Angelo Dinero, and c’mon, there’s no way he could have known that that’s who would be winning. I question the validity of this alleged list. I have my doubts, sir!

At any rate, it’s a great promo, focused and intense, while still being Anderson’s distinctive style. Be careful, Ken. You’re dangerously close to making me think highly of you.

Segment 20 – Dinero Has A Rocket Ship.

Cewsh: Um, well when D’Angelo Dinero cuts a promo, the word “focused” is not generally involved. He cuts a promo about…I have no idea about what, but it was damn entertaining. At least right up until the Band jumps Dinero out of nowhere, beating the fuck out of him, and Scott Hall, wearing a Juggalo shirt that makes me cringe at the sight of it like a vampire and hoply water, randomly tells Hulk Hogan to watch out for the Wolfpac.

The Wolfpac, of course, was the name of part of the NWO from the WCW days. Which Vince owns. Sooooo…not so smart on Hall’s part. You’re a member of the Band, Mr. Hall. It’s on your ticket. Try not to get anyone sued.

Also, Juggalo’s Are To be Punished With Death.

Segment 21 – Eight Card Stud Tournament Finals – D’Angelo (Got Knocked The Fuck Out) Dinero vs. Ken (Either Jack Nicholson Or Morgan Freeman) Anderson.

Ms.Cewsh: On a fifth hand, should this really come after the title match?

The Pope is injured backstage, so he misses his entrance. Mr. Anderson comes out and gets the ref to ring the bell and start the count out. It seems like a weird set-up to me. I’ve never seen someone not show up for a match, so I don’t know usual procedure, but if someone just no-shows; wouldn’t it make more sense to just call a forfeit?

Anderson continues to be fantastic, beating Dinero to a pulp all over the ramp. (I hate the ramp.) He just manages to keep from being counted out himself a few times. Dinero fights up and slaps Anderson, and the match proper continues.

In the first few minutes, I can’t figure out how neither is counted out. I know Anderson was sliding in to break the count, his posing was kind of adorable, actually, but it seemed like more than 10 at points. We pan to AJ and Flair in the back, watching the match on tv. GODDAMN IT, stop that! I’m watching this match. Vignettes go before or after.

Dinero is finally allowed back in the ring, for all the good it does him. TNA clearly sees a future in Anderson; he has looked amazing all night. The Pope does get some offense, but Anderson stays dominantly in control. Anderson has crazy good teeth.

Pope does the typical face thing of selling right up until it’s time for his comeback. I have trouble faulting a guy for following industry standard, but for fuck’s sake, you couldn’t even stand a second ago. A series of rapid fire flips doesn’t look believable!

Pope fights back and hits Anderson with a DDE. Anderson isn’t as worn down, though, and kicks out of the pin attempt. More moves, with Anderson regaining control again and Anderson calls for a goddamn mic. I love it. Like Punk in the Rumble, there is just something so slick about promoing in the middle of a match. Anderson drops the mic and gets Pope in position for the Mic Check. He hits it, but his promo gave Dinero a chance to recover. He too kicks out.

Some more moves, another DDE, and your new number one contender. I can say no more. Great, great, fucking match.

88 out of 100.

Cewsh: FUCK.

Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fucking fuck.

Ken Anderson is awesome. I am officially wrong.

This match was the coming out party for both Anderson and Dinero, and at the end, these two men were stars. Not stars in the making, not guys with potential, they were fucking stars. Every single second of this show and this match in particular was carefully and artfully designed to bring out the absolute best in both men, and goddamit, that’s exactly what happened.

There are certain kinds of matches that I generally don’t expect to see anymore. I don’t expect to see wild hardcore brawls with fire and blood. I don’t expect to see insane high spot matches where people are doing flips off of cages and ladders and the rafters. And I DAMN sure don’t expect to see two up and comers having an old school traditional style match in the main event of a TNA PPV, but that’s exactly what I got. This match starts with Dinero getting sympathy, and then Anderson just builds a tower of heel heat to the sky. Not for one second does this match falter as Anderson stays in control and shows a mastery of being a heel that I didn’t have any idea that he possessed. He was the perfect heel and Dinero was the perfect face, and on this night in front of these fans, the two of them crafted a match that even made marks out of the Impact Zone fans.

I can’t say enough about this match. This is the most unexpected great match I can remember ever seeing. Two guys who I thought were miles from having matches like this came together tonight and proved me as wrong as I can possibly be proven.

I was wrong. D’Angelo Dinero and Ken Anderson are stars and tonight I saw them do something truly special in the ring. I only wish I had watched this before Wrestle Kingdom so they could have the honor of having the first gold medal match of the year. As it is, though, they’ll have to settle for being second.

Son of a bitch.


91 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.



 

Vice: The weirdest thing happened during this match. I thought to myself “wow, I don’t hate Anderson. In fact, I’m fucking impressed with him”. Over the past few days, there’s been a lot of backwards shit going on in this world that has me convinced that I died and woke up in bizarro land, and Anderson being an amazing, entertaining heel here does not help that. I think this is hands down his best performance ever. In any company. He even summoned a microphone in the middle of the match and cut a quick promo. He just did everything right, even if he was slightly plodding here and there.

Pope was on fire too. Just a goddamn good match, and I’m really glad it was the main event. I was kind of dreading Anderson being in the finals, especially when it was the main event, but it turned out better than I ever could have possibly imagined. Pope was over HUGE by the end of the match. Great pop when he hit the knees to the back and got the win.

What a delightful main event.

D’Angelo Dinero over Ken Anderson Following The DDE.



A Star Is Born.

————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Jesus Christ, what a difference a day makes.

The day before we saw this show, I was tearing it apart, yelling about how they didn’t bother to hype the main event, and how the matches on the card all looked shitty, and about how TNA had lost their momentum. Now I sit here entirely stunned by the show I’ve been presented. I’m almost numb with the shock of just how wrong I was. It wasn’t a perfect show, and the score isn’t nearly would it could have been with the removal of the tag match and anything involving Abyss, but ultimately, this show was an incredible triumph for TNA.

I won’t quickly forget this night, and the lesson it showed me. The days when TNA was easily written off are over. I think it’s officially time that we recognize them as a serious player here, before we all look like bigger fools than we already do.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 70.22 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this show was pretty goddamn good. I had to skip a match out of fear that I would commit suicide and there was a fairly large (lol) clunker in the tag match, but overall the matches each offered something different and there were some exceptional bouts. I love tournaments, and this was a good one. Though, one of the drawbacks to having a big tournament on PPV like this is that the X-division did not have anything to do. The knockouts had nothing to do. A lot of people did not have anything to do. Only like 14 people were on this show. But hey, it was entertaining. Plus there was a lot of progression, Burke becoming a star, and other goodness.

Bravo.

Vice’s Final Score: 80 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh’s Meandering:

Ms. Cewsh: I have a lot of problems with TNA, the company. I see a lot of the violence, misogyny, laziness, and ineptitude that catering to 18 – 30 year old males tends to breed. I see a lot of the same problems that have caused other promotions to fail. As such, I tend to avoid their product.

Tonight, I didn’t see those issues. I saw a show that exceeded my expectations and changed my mind on two matters. Single night tournaments can work if booked well. This was. Blood can add something to a match, when appropriately, not gratuitously, used. Anderson/Angle did.

Abyss will always leave me cold. The Nasty Boys should retire, not be added to the roster. I cannot wrap my head around the thought process of, “show the match, but on the TV in the back!” But I’m not telling you about a woman being sexually assaulted or a man having his throat slit. Tonight, we’re calling that a victory.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 64.11 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls (for real this time). We hope you enjoyed watching a star born right in front of our eyes as much as we did, and we hope you’ll take the time to check out this show if you get the chance. Skip what we suggested to skip, and you may just find a new favorite wrestler (or promotion). On the horizon for next week, of course, is WWE Elimination Chamber 2010, which will give serious competition to TNA for Show of the Month if last year Show of the Year offering was any indication. We’re excited as can be to find the answers to all of our questions on the Road to Wrestlemania. Next week is when we finally start to get a few. In the meantime, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another!

The Top 5 Weddings In Wrestling History

Welcome, cats, kittens and other assorted members of the Zoo, and welcome to the first Sunday Supplement of the new year. Now you may be wondering about the gap in time between this one and the last one. Laziness, mostly, is the answer, but also a factor is the fast paced planning of the wedding of me, Sir Cewsh of Cewshshire, to her loveliness, the Lady Ms. Cewsh of the neighboring Cewshinwillows. Now much goes into any wedding, and ours is no different, and since it is weddings that have cost you our excellent presence, it’s weddings that I’ll offer up to dig us out of the hole.

There have been a ton of weddings in the history of professional wrestling. Some of them were serious and romantic, some of them were ridiculous and comical, and some of them were just downright odd. Here today, we’ll celebrate all of the above, and name the definitive list of Cewsh Reviews’ Top 5 Weddings of All Time.

Number 5: Edge and Vickie Guerrero – SmackDown 7/18/08

Edge has not had a lot of luck with the ladies.


Now granted he has seemingly nailed everything with a pulse from here to Saskatchewan, but when it comes to weddings, he doesn’t do so hot. On this magical July evening, he and his stable La Familia sat at a table all through Smackdown waiting to celebrate the big day at the end of the show, but just before they were able to finish out the show as a married couple, Triple H showed up to ruin everything (because he’s a dick like that), showing that Edge totally nailed their wedding planner (who turned out to be Alicia Fox).

Needless to say, Vickie Guerrero was not pleased, screaming at the top of her lungs in a way that would make her the hero of bridezillas everywhere.

Number 4: Billy and Chuck – Smackdown 9/12/02

Ah, the very first gay wedding in wrestling history.

When the media got ahold of that, they had a field day talking about how tolerant it was of WWE, and all kinds of gay rights leaders came out to laud Vince McMahon for displaying this act in such a positive fashion, and then they all ate their words like a PB and J when Billy and Chuck actually balked at getting married, claimed they weren’t gay and had been staging the whole thing, and the priest ripped off his old man makeup to reveal that it was none other than Eric Bischoff, who had Three Minute Warning annihilate everyone, and the started making out with Stephanie McMahon like it was going out of style.

It just goes to show. Trusting WWE to handle a controversial topic sensitively, is like trusting Jar Jar Binks to deliver a serious and compelling monologue. In the end, nobody wins. Except me.

Number 3: Edge and Lita – RAW 6/20/05

Titties!

Aside from being boobylicious, this wedding is important because it was smack dab in the middle of the whole Matt Hardy/Edge/Lita craziness, and they took full advantage, even playing his music to the shock of the crowd, before laughing about it to the fans. The odd thing is that even though they were acknolwedging the whole Matt Hardy thing, they also went with the “Lita spurned Kane after he raped her and beat up Matt Hardy so Lita is somehow a heel” storyline, which included Gene Snitsky reading a touching poem, and Kane poking his head out through the canvas much to the dismay of the justice of the peace.

Classic moments, classic comedy, and TITTIES. 

Number 2: Stephanie McMahon and Test – RAW 11/29/99

Possibly the single most soap operay moment in professional wrestling history. Test and Stephanie are going to wed in the middle of the ring after months of build up, only for Triple H to show up and show a video of him drugging and marrying Stephanie McMahon in Vegas the night before!

The reactions of the McMahons and the amusing reaction from Test (look at that picture!) are priceless enough, but the real value was revealed in the months after that, as Triple H used his newfound family ties to manipulate the entire WWE, and Stephanie revealed herself to be the evil power hungry bitch the show needed to go to the next level. What followed was some of the best storylines in wrestling history, and it was all touched off because somebody decided to let Triple H show up to Stephanie’s bachelor party.

Which is why Ms. Cewsh is having hers at a nunnery. 

Number 1: Elizabeth and Randy Savage – Summer Slam 8/26/91

Other weddings were funner, and other weddings were crazier, and other weddings were more eventful, but the union of Randy Savage and Elizabeth and Summerslam 91 was one of the rare truly special moments in professional wrestling where something happens that you can actually feel good about.

Whatever happened to these two in the years since that day (drugs, death and rap albums galore), they will always be preserved perfectly as they were on that day in the memories of millions of fans around the world. And ultimately, as I cruise towards my wedding, that’s the kind of thing I want to end this list thinking about. How love and spectacle can combine to make a magical, unforgettable moment.

…did I say I was ending it there? Not without this!

Honorable Mention: Al Wilson and Dawn Marie – SmackDown! 1/2/03


The bride and the groom were both in their underwear. For the bride, that was a very good thing. For the groom it is something so unpleasant as to be the stuff of legend.

But hey, he got to sex Dawn Marie until he died of a heart attack and I haven’t yet. so, you know, got to give the guy credit.

Wokka wokka!

WWE Royal Rumble 2010

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Royal Rumble 2010

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment the Academy Award nominated (even though we’re just going to lose to Avatar), Cewsh Reviews! Tonight we have a special treat for you as we roll up our sleeves and prepare to get busy with our favorite event of the year, the WWE Royal Rumble 2010. There’s a mystique about the Royal Rumble that has been built through years and years of amazing and unforgettable memories that surround the event, and in preparation for this year to provide us with even more, we’ve bolstered our ranks with a guest reviewer. We are joined this night by none other than the Bodacious Bookworm himself, the Prodigious Prognosticator, the Scottish Scholar, our beloved MichaelC, and he’s here to be our official Royal Rumble historian for the evening.

There’s At Least A 36% Chance This Is What He Looks Like.


Naturally that’s not all, though, as we here at Cewsh Review Headquarters do things up right at this time of year, and Ms. Cewsh and Vice will be joining us as well to provide their unique view on events as they unfold.

So is Shawn Michaels going to get his shot at the Undertaker at Wrestlemania? Will the Undertaker even still be champion after tonight? And who will step up to be the standout performer in this year’s Rumble, giving us a moment we’ll never forget? As always, for you, and for us, there’s only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: I have to say that this video is perfectly fine, but the video they play later on in the night where they break down all of the statistics to do with the Rumble is a million billion times more interesting, and with the song they chose for it, it’s one of the WWE’s best videos in quite some time. The opening video is fine, and gets across the matches (letting the Rumble match sell itself for the most part), and it really makes an effort to drive home just how important the Road to Wrestlemania is. We’re on it, boys and girls. Buckle up.

Ms.Cewsh: Jesus God, I liked the theme of this PPV a lot, a month ago. Now I want to find the artist and ensure they never sing again. Didn’t Fozzy give a song to this, too? Couldn’t we play that sometimes?

Segment 2 – ECW Championship – Christian(s Don’t Believe In The Chupacabra) © vs. Ezekiel (Big Fucking Dude) Jackson.

Cewsh: Christian against Ezekiel Jackson. On paper, this either looks totally awesome, or like a diseased buffalo charging an electric fence.

Messy.

The match begins, and immediately it becomes clear to me that Jackson has much more of a presence to him than I had been expecting. I watch him every week on ECW, but I’ve never seen him seem so in his element as he seems here, an incredible thing for a PPV rookie. They get going and it also becomes clear very quickly that he is very limited in the ring. He seems to have a few things he feels really comfortable doing, and to his credit he does them very effectively, and Christian weaves a match around Jackson’s strengths, rather than pushing him too hard and exposing his weaknesses.

Thanks to Christian’s leadership, and Jackson’s imposing presence and vicious blows, this match quickly sucks in both me and the crowd, leaving everyone chanting for Christian to find a way to beat this monster. Finally, after taking a pounding and a half, he reverses a slam into the turnbuckle into the ever devastating Killswitch, and sends Jackson back to the locker room empty handed.

I can’t say enough for how much Christian has grown as a performer over the past few years. They’re billing him now as a guy who can adapt to any style and that’s exactly what he is. He has become the rare person who can adapt to any opponent to have a fantastic match, and no two matches are the same. He has reached a level of performance that is almost awe inspiring to watch on a nightly basis, and I’m going to be sad when he leaves ECW for the big leagues, because ECW looks so damn good with him at the top.

77 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Ick.

I love Christian against littler athletic guys, but he’s no fun against big guys. He’s too small to go toe to toe with a guy like Zeke, but too big to be the wily cruiserweight.

Also Ezekiel Jackson sucks donkey dick.


39 out of 100

Christian Over Ezekiel Jackson Following The Killswitch.

Segment 3 – Who Let The Lameness Out? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Cewsh: Every once in awhile, WWE unleashes a segment on us that defies any explanation for its existence. Usually this involves referencing pop culture in the most face palm inducing way possible, and this is no different, as Cryme Tyme attempts to petition Teddy Long to give them somebody’s spot in the Rumble so that they can both be in it. They claim that the Great Khali has agreed to go along with this if he can make out with Tiffany. Tiffany, remembering that she’s a woman of authority, and terrified by the world’s biggest chin stabbing her in the lung, declines the offer, causing Cryme Tyme to be sad.

In order to mock them further (for some reason) Teddy Long starts singing the hot new track “Pants On The Ground” made famous by some old guy on American Idol. I’ll link to it here, but if you can derive some sort of enjoyment from it, you’re ahead of me in the pop culture game.

Anyway, after delighting us with this modern classic, he is interrupted by The Miz, who tells him that that song is destined to be as outdated as “Who Let The Dogs Out.” Incensed by this insult (was the American Idol guy Teddy in disguise? He’s really touchy about this), he books Miz in a United States Championship match up next, and Miz is serenaded by Khali singing “Who Let The Dogs Out” as he leaves.

If any of that depressed you to read, I assure you, it depressed me more to write.

Segment 4 – Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes Have Some Sex.

Cewsh: No, not really. But wouldn’t that be crazy? Totally unexpected.

Anyway, Cody wants Randy to know that he’ll be there for him in his match tonight, and that Dibiase has been talking shit behind Randy’s back about how Ted will beat Randy for the title at Wrestlemania.

Then they have sex. GAY ADULT MALE HARDCORE SEX.

Gotta keep those views of the blog coming, dear readers. Gotta keep ‘em coming.

Segment 5 – WWE United States Championship – The (Awesome) Miz © vs. M(ostly) V(otes) (in) P(oland).

Ms.Cewsh: I was going to talk about how despite my hatred of MVP, (and it’s still there, burning strongly,) this was a pretty good match that I found myself enjoying. Instead, I’m going to switch gears.

Jesus fuck Christ, what the fuck is wrong with the announcers? Are they high? Is that it? They’re all high as fucking kites and that’s why they suck worse than an MVP/Rey Mysterio/Kofi Kingston circle jerk? King is just abysmal. He’s a heel. He’s a face. HE’S A FUCKING RACIST PIECE OF SHIT AND SERIOUSLY, STOP LETTING HIM SPEAK!

Stryker, who’s usually so good and entertaining, is gratingly annoying. There isn’t a second when someone’s not flapping their jaws, and it’s never about the goddamn match going on right in front of them!

You’re not funny! Not a single one of you! Shut the fuck up!

62 out of 100

Cewsh: This match was boring.

I hate to break a match down so simplistically, but I can’t help it. These two guys have themselves a match that is totally and completely unremarkable in every possible way, and the more I think about it, the more I think it may be MVP’s fault. I’ve always thought of him as a good up and comer who had good matches, but more and more I struggle to remember what those matches were, and they certainly do seem to be spread out over his tenure in the WWE. I have faith in him and his skills, but somehow it just never seems to come together right.

Here the problem is simply that neither of these guys works anything approaching an exciting in ring style. For Miz that’s a good thing, because he’s a heel, and the way he has adjusted his work has given him the ability to develop more consistent heat. For MVP, though, it’s not so good, as it makes his role in his matches forgettable.

Anyway, this is a solid match, and it serves its purpose, but I wanted more from them, and I expected more. Since it seems like this feud is going to continue, they have time to prove to me that they can put something compelling together. In my eyes, the pressure is all on MVP.


64 out of 100.

The Miz Over MVP Following A Roll Up.

Segment 6 – Jericho and Big Show. Star Crossed Lovers.

Cewsh: Yes, I am going to go out of my way to make wrestling sound like gay porn at every opportunity.

Jericho and Big Show are backstage talking, and Big Show tells Jericho that he’s moved on and that he doesn’t have Jericho’s back anymore, which Jericho refuses to believe.


How will I live without you? I want to know.


R-Truth appears out of nowhere, makes a mockery of Jericho’s pain and then says something that I’ve been puzzling for days afterwards. “Is a fatback greasy?”

Well? Is it?

IS IT?!

Segment 7 – Dibiase And Rhodes Are Playing Mind Games. Like Stratego, For Meany Faces.

Cewsh: Orton is walking to the ring for his match, and wouldn’t you know it? Dibiase shows up and says that he’s there for Randy, and that Rhodes is the one plotting against him. Randy is displeased that apparently everyone is a better backstabbing dick than him today, so he tells Ted that he doesn’t want either of their help.

Meanwhile as he’s walking to tWHAT THE FUCK IS A FATBACK? ARE THEY GREASY? GODDAMMIT!

Segment 8 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Sheamus (Captain Carrot) © vs. Randy (The Asp Hole) Orton.

Cewsh: Boy, a heel vs. heel match for the title. These are pretty much the rarest sort of matches, because it is impossible to know how the crowd is going to respond, or if they’ll really respond at all with nobody to cheer for. And these guys aren’t tweeners in the slightest, we’re talking full out crazy bastard heels whom the fans have every reason to detest in their very souls.

It’s an odd choice for a match, but on the other hand, it can’t be worse than Hardcore Holly vs. Brock Lesnar. Something that can be said for just about everything that could ever happen to you that doesn’t combine your private areas with a 800 wrecking ball with drills attached.

Ouchies.

Anyway, these two get the party started, and they test each other out in the beginning, feeling out this new unfamiliar opponent. This leads to one of the awesomest little parts of a match in recent memory as Orton ducks out of the way of a clothesline literally slithering on his stomach as he looks up at the very confused Sheamus. Does Randy do anything other than watch snake documentaries on the Discovery Channel all day?

They get into the match proper and it’s a solid, hard hitting affair between two of the better heels in the company right now (well, Orton more than Sheamus, but Sheamus is getting there). It’s not a special contest, but they do enough to make it worthwhile, and in the end, when Cody Rhodes interferes, costing Orton the match by getting him disqualified, we get ourselves a healthy dose of foreshadowing, as Randy spends a few minutes knocking the shit out of both Cody and Ted before Sheamus lays him out with his MechaZord Kick and walks out, head high, despite the fact that he still hasn’t pinned anybody over 6 feet tall.

It really was a decent little match, and while I wouldn’t like to see it revisited, it more than had its part to play on the show. The real story here is the foreshadowing to the breakup of Legacy. I’m not really sure where they’re going with it right now, but they’ve definitely got my attention.

73 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh for fucks sake. Who booked this show? Heel/heel? Yeah, this will work.

King: “A big difference between the two is the skin color”. Really? REALLY?!?

Randy, I love you so much. Why do we keep meeting like this?

42 out of 100

Sheamus Over Randy Orton Following Shenanigans.

Segment 9 – WWE Women’s Championship – Michelle (Not So) McCool © vs. Mickie (Not Fucking Piggy) James.

Cewsh: I’m thrilled that this only lasted about 10 seconds after all of the ridiculous shit that preceded it. Layla in a fat suit. 5 minutes of uninterrupted fat jokes. About 20 video packages about how Mickie James “is a real woman” and how McCool is a huge bitch for no reason.

Let me make my feelings on this clear. Real women can be skinny, fat, hourglass shaped or pear shaped. Suggesting that Mickie James is somehow fat compared to any human other than Michelle McCool (who could become invisible by turning sideways) is an insult to her, the little girls who look up to her, and people with an actual issue.

And aside from that, it isn’t good television. They’ve had no matches, just an unending torrent of abusive segments leading to James winning this match in about 4 seconds. Is that a triumph? Is she a worthy champion now? Did this help anyone?

No. Every time I wish to support women’s wrestling, something like this or ODB comes along, and I can’t accept it. They deserve better as athletes. They deserve better as people.

As so do we.

Though I Did Totally Have A Dream Like This Once.


25 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: This is my worst feud of the year. I don’t care that it started last year. I don’t care that it’s only February. Watch, it’s already written into my 2010 awards.

This show is going down for worst show, too.

10 out of 100

Mickie James Over Michelle McCool Following The MickieDT.

Segment 10 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – The (Voodoo Witch Woman) Undertaker © vs. Rey Mysterio(us. There, I Fixed It).

Cewsh: I get the feeling that I’m going to get a lot of flack for not liking this match.

Don’t get me wrong, I was entertained by it, and both guys are talented in their way, but this is a match that suffered from being an afterthought to the much larger Michaels/Undertaker and Mysterio/Batista feuds, and it just felt like they never really got started.

After feeling each other out for forever, including Taker tossing Rey over the top rope like a sack of potatoes, they had a match that felt like it was in slow motion, as Rey did some moves, and Taker sold for them as much as he reasonably could, and Taker tried to do things to Rey that would destroy him immediately. At some point Taker’s nose got busted open so nastily that he really looked dazed and out of it for the rest of the match, and not long after that, the match sped towards its ending.

Punches In The Nose: Effective On Sharks AND Zombies.


The ending, where Rey hits two 619s, and then gets caught by the Last Ride, was unique and fun, but felt so, so abrupt, and kind of came out of nowhere, so I really didn’t appreciate it as much as I could have.

That’s the story of this match, really. I wanted to like it more than I did, and at the end of the day, there just wasn’t much here. If these two got another chance, I’m convinced it could be better from this, but for now I can’t rate it any higher than I have.

75 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Two men who I hate, who should retire, in a face/face match.

Did I do something wrong?

Did I offend Vince with my constant vulgarities and references to Rey’s homosexual tendencies?

Maybe it was Taker and my repeated insistence that it’s time to hang up the eyeliner?

It must’ve been something, because the only way I could hate this show more is if Kofi was on it. It’s like it was designed to make me cry and drink.

37 out of 100

The Undertaker Over Rey Mysterio Following The Last Ride.

Segment 11 – When Kane Tells You’re Crazy, You’re Fucking CRAZY.

Cewsh: Take note, Shawn Michaels. When Kane thinks you’re getting creepy with your obsession with the Undertaker, he may have some glimmer of a clue as to what he’s talking about.

Segment 12 – THE ROYAL RUMBLE.

Cewsh: Alright, here’s how this is going to work boys and girls. I’m going to document each entrance and elimination. Our comments are going to work chronologically, because none of us were masochistic enough to play by play document the Royal Rumble match, but neither did we want to just summarize and leave things out. So basically the comments are going to go chronologically. The entrances and eliminations will bookmark the comments, so you’ll know what happened in what order. Everyone clear on that? No? Well then figure it out. It’s not goddamn rocket science. Also, and I think this should be basic knowledge, there isn’t actually any way to “spoiler” the Royal Rumble. Anything I talk about at any point will be a spoiler for something else.

So just consider this your overall SPOILER ALERT. Alright? Do not read any further if you don’t want the Rumble spoiled for you.

Now then, with that out of the way, let’s send it over to our resident historian for the evening, Michael!

Michael: Woohoo! After all the unreturned calls, blackmail attempts and restraining orders, I finally got a spot reviewing for Cewsh, even if it is for one night only! It’s no secret I like Rumbles, and I believe I started getting excited for this years match slightly further back than July 2009!

Cewsh: Alright then, with no further teasing, let’s find out who is going to have shotgun on the Road to Wrestlemania.

Entrant #1 – Dolph Ziggler.

Michael: Dolph starts the rumble. See, OMG, I told you he was in it.

Cewsh: A great choice to start the Rumble here. Ziggler is fun to watch and still such a great up and comer, even if he seems to have seriously lost momentum of late.

Michael: Don’t really think #1 is winning it this year. For those with interest, I drew numbers #11 and #13 in the Royal Rumble raffle draw.

Ms.Cewsh: Can you believe this is the same guy who used to shake people’s hands and got tossed out in like 30 seconds last year?

Entrant # 2 – Evan Bourne.

Cewsh: Bourne is out at number two, and he and Ziggler have themselves a photo moment as they both stand in the middle of the ring pointing at the Wrestlemania sign claiming it’ll be them that wins. Um, no boys. It really wont.

“Wait, Has That Been There This Whole Time?”


Ms.Cewsh: The look at the Mania sign was good, but Ziggles way over acts the “It’s mine! No, it’s mine!” Goal for 2010: mic skills.

Cewsh: All he wants for Christmas is some acting skills. And a pony.

Michael: Air Bourne! This immediately smells of a strong person coming in soon in the rumble to clean house ala Rikishi in 2000 or Kane in 2001. Benoit/Vince/Shawn/Rey have all won from the first two spots.

I highly doubt Ziggles or Evan will have much to say about this one however.

Entrant# 3 – CM Punk.


Michael Note: #3 is of course the unlucky number in the Royal Rumble: in ten of the Royal Rumbles, #3 is first man out, and in over half of those, he doesn’t even get to see #4 come in.


Cewsh: PUNK!

Michael: Punk is out early! And flanked by his lovely Serena.

Dolph Ziggler is eliminated by CM Punk.

Cewsh: Well so much for Ziggler making a name for himself here. Oh well, I guess we can look forward to some fun interaction between Punk and…

Evan Bourne is eliminated by CM Punk.

Cewsh: …hmm. Well fuck. That was quick.

Michael: Punk gets in and eliminates both Ziggler and Bourne in short time. My spidey senses work! Now Punk gets on the mic and starts preaching to us about Straight Edge – glorious!

Ms.Cewsh: Punk’s promos are the best part of this show. It’s a much cooler way to kill 30 seconds than just having him mill about. What a bad ass.

Entrant # 4 – JTG.

Michael: JTG can win the Royal Rumble!

The Rock lasted 54 minutes from number 4 in 1998 after all!

Cewsh: The comparisons between JTG and the Rock are endless! Like, um, hmm.

JTG is eliminated by CM Punk.

Michael: He’s out in about 20 seconds. Oh well. Maybe next year. Punk gets back on the mic to continue his preaching as if nothing had happened. Brilliant.

Entrant # 5 – The Great Khali.

Micheal Note: Kane’s epic 2001 started at #6. Gillberg’s equally epic 1999 was #6 also.


Cewsh: Khali comes down, and Punk tries to convince him to join the Straight Edge Society. Khali raises his hand to take the oath and then hits Punk in the face! For no reason at all! What a douche!

Michael: It’s Punk v Khali in the Rumble, a dream match if any.

Punk sells for Khali like a crocodile sells for a hippo (hippo jaws can snap crocs in half, for the unknowing!). Punk looks in trouble and Khali looks strong. And I am one of the few Khali fans, so that’s good here. After all, Punk’s been in 4 minutes and Khali is fresh and bigger. Punk immediately destroying him wouldn’t really fit.

Entrant # 6 – Beth Phoenix.

Michael: WAH? Beth is in the Rumble.

Cewsh: Beth Phoenix comes out next and I’m floored. I had no idea she was going to be in this thing and it’s actually really exciting. She goes face to face with Khali (face to stomach), and is actually looking like a total badass, until Matt Stryker ruins her credibility by saying a bunch of shit about how everyone needs to be gentle with her because she’s just a fragile woman.

Way to kill the moment, Matt.

Ms.Cewsh: “Be gentle”. Fuck you. Seriously. Fucking seriously. Die in a goddamn fire, Stryker. “Never trust a woman.” Just get killed.

The Great Khali is eliminated by Beth Phoenix.

Michael: Khali goes to woman handle her out, but she kisses him out of the ring (you heard that right), then hits a clothesline on Punk! Amazing.

No one had this on their betting slips, I gather!

Entrant # 7 – Zach Ryder.

Michael Note: Jake Roberts returned to the WWF as #7 in 1996.


Cewsh: Ryder is out next. The crowd makes absolutely no reaction. Perhaps because he has roughly the chance of winning that I do, sitting on this couch.

Michael: Oh no, not that idiot.

Beth Phoenix is eliminated by CM Punk.

Michael: Punk tosses Beth. Punk gives a small sermon to Ryder, then whacks him with the mic and the GTS in the middle of talking. A lovely moment, that.

Ms. Cewsh: Having Beth show up was kind of cool, but being only the second woman in a Rumble I wish she’d gone farther or been a bigger deal.

Zach Ryder is eliminated by CM Punk.

Michael: Punk tosses Ryder. Punk has five eliminations in the Rumble thus far! With this and his beating the tar out of HHH on Smackdown, they’re really putting him over at the minute…

Entrant # 8 – Triple H.

Michael Note: Bradshaw, Rey, Batista and Randy Orton have all lasted over 40 minutes from #8 in 1998, 2005, 2008 and 2009 respectively.


Michael: Speak of the devil! HHH and Punk go at it. HHH getting the better of Punk because he’s the fresher. I honestly believe this could be a Mania match right now.

Cewsh: God, I would go nuts for these two to have a serious feud at any point. Not because it would make immediate sense, but just because there’s a real chemistry between the two. When these two lock eyes in the ring, there is serious tension in the air. There is something here to run with. Book it, Vinny Mac.

Ms.Cewsh: Why do I always think Punk is so much smaller than Trips. He actually looks like a threat to him.

Entrant # 9 – Drew McIntyre.

Michael Note: The late, great Big Bossman lasted over 28 minutes from #9 in 2000.


Michael: Woo, a Scot! Finally, a home boy to root for (OK, he’s from 30 miles down the road, but when previous efforts include Naturalised Canadians, I’ll take it!).

Cewsh: Silly Michael, his name is Drew, not Scot.

CM Punk is eliminated by Triple H.

Michael: HHH has a mini-battle with Drew, before Punk reverses the Pedigree into a GTS and HHH reverses that GTS into elimination. Great segment.

Punk was booked very strongly here. Five eliminations, mic time, and further feud time with HHH. Anyone who thinks “OH MY GOD, HHH JUST BURIED PUNK” is, quite frankly, an idiot.

Entrant # 10 – Ted Dibiase.

Michael Note: DiBiase lasted over 40 minutes from #10 in 2009.


Cewsh: Dibiase is out to represent Legacy, and I wonder how big of a deal they’re going to make out of the rift between Rhodes and Dibiase in the Rumble here.

Also, he looks like a 10 year old. I have always thought this.

Michael: Teddy draws the same number two years in a row, just like Khali.

Entrant # 11 – John Morrison.

Michael Note: Previous entries – Andre lasting less than ten minutes in 1990, shocking Cewsh; D’lo Brown’s 30 minutes in 1998, and MAVEN FROM TOUGH ENOUGH ELIMINATES THE UNDERTAKER in 2002!


Cewsh: Oh baby, business is about to see a steady increase of volume and mass! Morrison is in and makes a beeline for McIntyre, who has been a thorn in his side for months now.

Michael: The hosts of Wrestleview Radio picked Morrison to win the Rumble, and I have him in the Sweepstakes. The ring is starting to build up.

Cewsh: Morrison is an intriguing choice, but I don’t think it’s his time just yet.

Entrant # 12 – Kane.

Michael Note: RVD, 40 mins from #12 in 2003; Mike “mth’s favourite” Knox, 30 plus from #12 in 2009.


Cewsh: Kane is out, and the announcers start talking about how he can win with his experience. C’mon everyone. I think it is time to admit that Kane is never, ever winning one of these. He’s going to look scary, throw people out, and then go home to Mrs. Kane and his little Kanenites.

That’d be a killer band name, by the way.

Michael: Mr. Royal Rumble, in the house. If he gets four eliminations in, Kane is the new all-time record holder for Rumble eliminations. Come on big man, you can do it. Clean house, but keep that lovely Scotsman in there. Drew has looked impressive thus far.

Entrant # 13 – Cody Rhodes.

Michael Note: 40 mins exactly for The Rock from #13 in 2001.


Ms.Cewsh: Cody did a Russian Leg Sweep! Calling it, my pick to win!


Michael: Legacy in the ring together. Will we see dissension? Apparently not. The ring is starting to fill up here.

Entrant # 14 – MVP.

Michael Note: Doug Gilbert paid tribute to his late brother Eddie, entering #14 in 1996. Also late, and great, Umaga lasts 30 minutes from #14 in 2008.


Ms.Cewsh: Fuckshit, I have to see you again tonight?

Michael: MVP is comin…no, he’s not, he’s been hit with the US title from behind by The Miz. Feud not over!

Cewsh: Maaaaaaan.

Entrant # 15 – Carlito.

Michael Note: Another sadly dead favourite of mine, Bam Bam Biglow, 30 plus minutes from #15 in 1994.


Cewsh: Holy shit, he still works here?

Michael: Oh god, Carlito. Someone toss him out immediately.

Cewsh: Jesus! Carlito immediately begins kicking the shit out of everyone in the ring. He hits about 746 Back Stabbers before people realize that they should stop trying to clothesline him.


Good Luck Ever Doing This Again, Carlito.


Michael: Everyone sells for Carlito, even HHH. Speaking of Triple H, he is selling for everyone in this match.

Entrant # 16 – The Miz.

Michael Note: Randy Orton got to the final four from #16 in 2007.


Cewsh: The Miz is out, and I’m immediately hoping for some interaction between him and Morrison.


Unfortunately, his heel dickishness comes back to haunt him, and, well…

The Miz is eliminated by MVP.

MVP Is eliminated by MVP.

Michael: The Miz in, MVP is back, and both are out! Build this to Mania! Miz really sucks at Rumbles – 4 rumbles, 3 of them he’s in for about 70 seconds combined.

Entrant # 17 – Matt Hardy.

Michael Note: Owen Hart’s longest Rumble appearance was from #17 in 1996.


Cewsh: Fat Hardy is here to save the day! And he’s actually looking like he’s in good shape. I guess I have to retire the nickname.

NEVER!

Michael: Matt runs straight from the back down to the ring as if he never stopped running from the cops on Tuesday till then! Brilliant!

Matt Hardy is eliminated by Kane.

Michael: Kane then tosses Matt Hardy. Oh well.

Cewsh: Am I the only one who wishes he had just kept running all the way to the back like the Ultimate Warrior?

Kane is eliminated by Triple H.

Michael: Trip’s gets rid of Kane. No record for you this year!

Entrant # 18 – Shawn Michaels.

Michael Note: Shawn won from #18 in 1996!


Cewsh: Oh shit, the consensus favorite to win the whole damn thing is out. Time for some eliminations!

Michael: Shawn is here!

Carlito is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Cody Rhodes is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Ms.Cewsh: Wait, where did Cody go? *sad face*

Ted Dibiase is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Cewsh: Man, all that griping just to get bounced like my check did back in the day.

John Morrison is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Michael: Carlito, Legacy, Morrison all go out at the hands of Shawn. Shawn has just killed my run in the Rajah Rumble Sweep in about 10 seconds. Thanks, mate.

Drew McIntyre is eliminated by DX.

Michael: Drew lasts a bit longer and gets a clothesline in, before DX combine to eliminate the Scot. Good showing from Drew who lasted longest of all the midcarders in this Rumble. Shawn and HHH turn around to stare at each other…

Cewsh: Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.

Ms.Cewsh: PleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips…

Entrant # 19 – John Cena.

Michael Note: Stone Cold and Kurt Angle made the final four from #19 in 2002 and 2004 respectively.


Triple H and Shawn Michaels Are Bemused As Cena Ignores Their “No John’s Allowed” Sign.


Michael: ….and the next man out is only John Cena. Amazing! The crowd is hot!

Cewsh: That’s an understatement. The crowd starts to go nuts for everything, because these are the guys who may actually win this thing. Oh man, this is getting crazy.

Triple H is eliminated by Shawn Michaels.

Michael: Cena fights down both DX members. HHH saves Shawn from elimination and Shawn repays him with some Sweet Chin Music sending HHH out of the Rumble!

Cewsh: Holy shit! Where did that come from?! Awesome!

Michael: Shocking! I liked this booking. Bring HHH in the Orton position from last year, teasing he’s going to long man the whole thing, then have him shockingly eliminated before the match is even two thirds over. And he didn’t look weak either, and sold for a lot of the midcarder’s offense. That’s what I call good shock booking.

Entrant # 20 – Shelton Benjamin.

Michael Note: RVD returned from a year long injury to make the final four from #20 in 2006.


Cewsh: Benjamin comes out, and beats the fucking shit out of both Cena and Michaels. Man, that’s the strongest he’s looked since he beat Triple H on Raw about 600 years ago.

Shelton Benjamin is eliminated by John Cena.

Cewsh: Benjamin nails Michaels with Paydirt, but when he goes to do the same to cena, Cena catches his ass and over the top he goes.

Michael: Shelton is in and out. Bye.

Entrant # 21 – Yoshitatsu.

Michael Note: The Warlord’s 2 seconds came from #21 in 1989!


Ms.Cewsh: They’re calling Yoshi the Cardiac Kid? Really? Does he have a lot of heart or does he cause an infarction? What a terrible nickname.

Yoshitatsu is eliminated by John Cena.

Michael: I’m going to get some flack here. Yoshi was in for 40 seconds, but he had Shawn Michaels and John Cena, two of the biggest stars in the company, sells his kicks, and then only went out at the hands of the top star. Prime example of “it’s not how long you last, but what you do with your time”. As we are about to see over and over again in the next entrants.

Cewsh: No kidding. It seems like everybody is coming in, and fucking up Cena and Michaels. It makes them look fantastic, but damn. Not something they’ll be doing again anytime soon.

Entrant # 22 – The Big Show.

Michael Note: Big man Earthquake lasted an impressive 24 mins from #22 in 1991.


Should Have Made A “No Giants Allowed” Sign.


Cewsh: I have never seen a better “Awwwww maaaaaan” look than that. Amazing.

Michael: Big Show running down to the ring, and Cena’s look of horror, are priceless.

Entrant # 23 – Mark Henry.

Michael Note: Akeem in the final three from #23 in 1989.


Michael: Big man stare down! Henry almost manages to lift Show up.

Cewsh: They pretty much try to lift each other up for a few minutes while everyone else takes a nap.

Entrant # 24 – Chris Masters.

Michael Note: Hulk Hogan, Stone Cold and The Rock have all won from #24.


Cewsh: WOO! Masters! He’ll follow in the legacy of Hulk Hogan, the Rock and Steve Austin!

Going All The Way, Baby!

Chris Masters is eliminated by The Big Show.

Cewsh:

Michael: Masters is in, and out. I’d have preferred Santino here to be honest.

Entrant # 25 – R-Truth.

Michael Note: John Cena was runner up in 2005 from #25.


Cewsh: Oh man, great number for R-Truth, who gets the crowd back on their feet, and immediately, and incredibly unwisely, takes the fight to the two humungous bastards, having a sumo match on the ropes.

The Big Show is eliminated by R-Truth.

Mark Henry is eliminated by R-Truth.

Michael: HOLY HELL! R-TRUTH ELIMINATES BIGSHOW AND HENRY AT ONCE! R-TRUTH! I’M MARKING OUT FOR RON KILLINGS, I DON’T believe it. He’s on fire.

Entrant # 26 – Jack Swagger.

Michael Note: Scotty 2 Hotty was #26 in 2001, unfortunately for him.


Michael: Swagger is in, and hits some moves. R-Truth still looks good. Cena is going pretty well for someone with a bad back.

Cewsh: I’m really kind of surprised by how many midcard guys are coming in now so late in the Rumble. And by this point, just about everybody has beaten up Cena and Michaels. It’s like the world’s least fun gangbang.

Entrant # 27 – Kofi Kingston.

Michael Note: Big John Studd, Yokozuna, Bret Hart and Stone Cold all won from #27. Bushwhacker Luke… didn’t.


Cewsh: If Kofi wins this Rumble, Ms. Cewsh is going to set something on fire, and I have a feeling it will be me.

Michael: No countdown? Shades of 97, but it seems to hurt Kofi’s pop as he comes out.

R-Truth is eliminated by Kofi Kingston.

Jack Swagger is eliminated by Kofi Kingston.

Michael: Kofi eliminates Swagger and R-Truth, the Truth elimination being one of the standout ones of the match. Kofi is on fire here!

Cewsh: So am I! Don’t make me call Social Services, woman!

Entrant # 28 – Chris Jericho.

Michael Note: Batista won from #28 in 2005.


Cewsh: Jericho is out next, and I’m marking out. All the people I want to win are still in this! Except for Chris Masters. Poor Chris.

Michael: The honest man, and my pick to win this year’s Royal Rumble. Jericho and Shawn go at it for old time’s sake. Shawn goes for SCM on Jericho, but Kofi dives in and hits TROUBLE IN PARADISE on Shawn.

Kofi Kingston is eliminated by John Cena.

Michael: Cena eliminates Kofi. Oh well. Kofi looked very good while he lasted.

Cewsh: Thank Christ, only 3rd degree burns. CENA IS MY HERO.

Entrant # 29 – EDGE!!!!!

Michael Note: Brock Lesnar won from #29 in 2003.


Holy Shit!


Ms.Cewsh: EDGE! This just might save this crap ass show!

Michael: EDGE! Ok, so I predicted it beforehand, but it’s still cool. EDGE, out to the biggest pop all night.

Cewsh: EDGE! I like to yell too! Also, EDGE!

Chris Jericho is eliminated by Edge.

Michael: EDGE and Jericho stare down. EDGE tosses Jericho! There’s goes my pick, and my predictions are all gone to pot, but EDGE!

Cewsh: Oh shit, Edge means business! The whole dynamic of this puppy has changed!

Entrant # 30 – Batista.

Michael Note: In six rumbles, #30 has been one of the final two in the ring.


Ms.Cewsh: Oh God, Batista. If he wins, I quit.

Michael: Hey, I picked Batista as #30. He is the angriest man in Rumble history. No Regal makes me sad and OMG glad. Boo.

Cewsh: I knew that this was the only man left, and fuck is he dangerous in the final spot. We’re down to some serious competition here, and if I weren’t so sure that Michaels was winning this, I’d have some serious doubts about who would be.

Shawn Michaels is eliminated by Batista.



HOLY SHIT!


Cewsh: HOLY FUCK! I have no idea what the shit is going to happen now! FUCK!

Michael: Shawn is the first one out to another major shocker, and he snaps. Taker/Shawn will happen, look for Shawn costing taker his world title.

Cewsh: Michaels totally snaps, throwing a temper tantrum and kicking a referee. He’s totally coming unglued. Way to ignore Kane’s advice, Shawn.

Ms.Cewsh: PleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips,pleasedontbeleadingtoShawn/Trips!

Batista is eliminated by John Cena.

Michael: Batista is next out, rather unexpectedly sudden.

Ms.Cewsh: John? I love you.

Cewsh: Now we’re down to Cena and Edge, my favorite rivalry in wrestling. It has to be Cena, right? I mean what else could possibly…

John Cena is eliminated by Edge.

Cewsh: WHAT THE FUCK?! Edge throws out Cena and wins the Royal Rumble! What is going on?

Ms.Cewsh: Edge? I love you more! Yay!

Michael: EDGE WINS! Edge is back. Brilliant.

Cewsh: I don’t know what to think right now. I never even considered this possibility. Who is he going to face? What brand will he be on? There are so many questions and so much excitement. Holy shit, Edge is back!

RELIGIOUS EXCREMENT!

————————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusions:


Cewsh: The Royal Rumble show is always about the Royal Rumble match. Historically WWE has put on lesser matches underneath of it, because they knew that the Rumble was the draw and they could get away with it. This show is no different, and seems a little more blatant than other years. The Rumble match itself was full of tons of fun and surprises, but the undercard just isn’t worth your time.

Save yourself two hours and just watch the Rumble match. You won’t want to miss a second of it, and you wont have missed anything.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 62.8 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh’s Marauding:


Ms. Cewsh: I hate this show. I hate it so much it hurts. I would rather watch 3 hours of Suicide doing a striptease than ever watch another second of this show, not featuring Edge. He wasn’t the biggest surprise in Rumble history. He wasn’t even revolutionary in the ring. I’m just so thrilled to see someone not stale or over-pushed.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 51.33 out of 100.

Michael’s Final Thoughts:


Michael: The Rumble was fun. From Punk dominating, to Beth Phoenix, to the midcarders all looking good in cameo roles, to Shawn eliminating HHH, to R-Truth and Kofi getting over massively, to EDGE returning.

Not as good a Rumble match as, say, 2002 (the closest one to compare it to) but still a hell of a lot of fun. I assume from here its Punk/Jericho/Taker/Batista/R-Truth/Drew and Kofi/Cena/HBK/HHH/Sheumas/Orton in the Elimination Chambers, and Jericho/Edge, HBK/Taker, MVP/Miz, Punk/HHH, Orton/Legacy, Mickie/Beth, and R-Truth/Kofi in the MITB at Mania.

Amazing.

Vice’s Verdict:


Vice: So, Edge winning is just about the greatest thing to happen in forever. Right? Well, I actually don’t agree. Shocking, I know, but I am Vice after all. In advance, I’d like to say that I do not appreciate my house being set on fire or my cats being poisoned, so after reading the next paragraph, please do not do either of those things.

I dislike that Edge won the Rumble. Not because I don’t enjoy him, because I do. Not because it’s bad for the company, because it isn’t. But because I don’t think he should be getting the honors of this push over someone else. He was a big name that went down with an injury, and he obviously needed to come back with a bang. They could have done it in a different way and also had a lot of impact. The Royal Rumble to Wrestlemania main event push is THE biggest push and one of the highest honors in WWE. So yeah, it does kind of bug the shit out of me that they used it on a guy that’s been out with an injury for the last howevermanymonths it’s been, all the while everyone else has been busting their balls for that exact same period of time, and they don’t get that reward. Let someone who’s earned THAT push through hard work get THAT push, not Edge, who could just come back, say, next month as an entrant in the elimination chamber.

Another question here is how healthy he is. Achilles injuries are awful and need a ton of time to fully heal-if they ever fully heal. Has it healed as well as it can? Is he rushing back from an injury only to land himself another injury very soon, like other wrestlers? Did they give him a relatively easy (in a physical sense) win, counting on him still needing time to heal before Wrestlemania?

It was good to see Edge. It was a great surprise. It was a great moment. Edge winning is not only better than the other options, but it also makes things very intriguing.

I don’t think Edge earned this though. Not by a long shot.

…bye!

Alright, that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our exuberant coverage of what is usually our favorite show of the year. There were highs, there were lows, and there were surprises aplenty, but as we steer towards the Road to Wrestlemania, one thing remains clear: we’re fucking excited and you should be too. Be sure to tune in next week as we cover (and this time we promise), Wrestle Kingdom IV from Japan, in all of its international glory. And speaking of glory, let’s just say that we here at Cewsh Reviews have a special surprise for all of you coming up to tie into the Super Bowl buzz. What could it be? Riches beyond your wildest dreams. Believe me. In the meantime, be sure to always keep reading, and be good to one another!