WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009


World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the death defyingest wrestling review in the blogosphere (whatever that is), Cewsh Reviews! Today we have a special treat for you all as we take a break from the sober trappings of our Mitsuharu Misawa tribute reviews and, instead, review the latest in WWE’s theme PPV’s, the vaguely named Tables Ladders and Chairs 2009. Will there be tables? Will there be ladders? Will there be chairs? Will there be ponies? Will there be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures? Will anyone lay a finger on my Butterfinger? We have the answers and the only way to get them is to give us each a pony in the color of our choosing. I’d like orange. Or I guess you could read on. If you have no holiday spirit. GRINCH.

This Is You.

What I do know is that we are three deep (minds out of the gutter, people) this week, with the lovely Ms. Cewsh joining Vice and I to break down a night that just might change the WWE as we know it. Or not. You know, whichever. Regardless, make sure, after the review, that you hop on over to the Cewsh Reviews blog to check out the lovely Ms. Cewsh’s End of Year Awards if you hadn’t already. And keep an eye out this Sunday for mine and next Sunday for Vice’s as we roll on towards the new year.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: This video, more so than for any of the other theme PPV’s done by WWE this year, really does a great job of making this show seem like a big fucking deal with a lot of really important matches. Which is crazy because on paper it’s kind of a soft card, and the TLC gimmick isn’t exactly a new idea, seeing as how we’ve seen about a trillion of that kind of thing this decade.. But hey, credit where credit is due, they’ve got me hyped.

Segment 2 – ECW Heavyweight Championship – Ladder Match – (Sunday’s Are For) Christian © vs. Shelton (Eraser Head) Benjamin.

Cewsh: The build to this match is as simple as Christian being annoyed that the ECW hadn’t been defended on a few PPVs, and he decided that he wanted to steal the show, and chose the other experienced ladder match guy on ECW, Benjamin, to help him do it. So it’s really a battle to gain attention for their show and prove who the better man is rather than it is a heated blood feud or anything. That said, these guys are going to fuck themselves and each other up if history is any indication, and as a lifetime fan of ladder matches, I can’t fucking wait.

The match starts off slow, with both guys doing more positioning and transition moves than inspiring high flying. They trade punches, and each tries haphazardly to climb the ladder, but nothing truly of note happens until Christian picks up a ladder to throw onto Benjamin outside of the ring. Shelton pulls his foot out from under him and the ladder nails him right in the eyebrow, busting him open the hard way. While ringside medics tend to the wound (Texas State Athletic Commissions rules state that bleeding must be attended to immediately) Shelton paces near a ladder set up outside the ring. When Christian is finally cleared, Shelton welcomes him back into the match by flipping off of the top of the ladder, crashing into Christian and the ground below. OOF.

As Shelton stays in the driver’s seat, he sets up a ladder suspended on the ring apron and the announce table, but doesn’t get a chance to use it as Christian reverses his every move and goes on the offensive back in the ring. Shelton momentarily takes advantage again, but not for long as he goes for the Stinger Splash in the corner against a ladder, and Christian forces him to eat it at full speed coming the other way. Then Shelton, not quite understanding physics, puts the ladder up against the ropes, and tries to catapult it back to hit Christian. This doesn’t work. He tries again. Fails worse. Finally he just hits the bastard with the stupid thing and climbs the ladder, but he doesn’t get far before Christian scampers up behind him and nails his signature Reverse DDT, taking them both on a crash course at Canvas University.

Next comes maybe the most impressive part of this or any other ladder match that I’ve seen. Benjamin is standing on the top rope holding the set up but tilted down ladder with Christian on the ground below him. Shelton then pushes off and actually balances the ladder perfectly to go for the belt. Christian, though, uses his instincts to shove the ladder back the direction it came, at which point Shelton steps off of it mid fall, balances on the top rope, grabs it again, and rides it over one more time to catch Christian with a huge Flying Clothesline. It may seem like a small detail in the match here, but the sheer athleticism and balance required to do what I just told you absolutely staggers me. It’s just even more proof that if Benjamin had a true personality to his character, the man might be able to be the most entertaining wrestler in wrestling.

However, the match is far from over, as Christian fires up, despite looking like roadkill, fighting Benjamin down time after time. Benjamin hits a power slam off the ladder, and nails him time and time again, but Christian just won’t stay down, and finally Christian gets Shelton set up on the ladder lying between the apron and the table, and with a sky diving frog splash off of the top rope, he plants Shelton through the ladder, climbs the ladder in the ring, and claims his prize.

Rough Night?

Man, what a match. There are great ladder matches and history, and this isn’t quite good enough to belong in that company, but there was a lot about this match that was really unique and noteworthy enough to make it stand out from the pack. Shelton’s athleticism, and Christian’s unbelievable selling (in a ladder match! Selling!) sent this match far higher than it would have been otherwise, and I’ll gladly take a rematch or three from these guys anytime they want to go for it again. Their mission was to steal the show. Mission accomplished.


85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: Wow, the first thing to say here is the set is phenomenal. The tables, ladders, and chairs hanging from the ceiling are an incredible visual. Huge props to the set designer.

Home Depot Lost Alot Of Sales After They Started Hanging Their Products From The Ceiling.


The match started off a little slower and safer than I expected from these two. There was a lot of ladder play, but there wasn’t the innovation we’ve come to expect from veterans of ladder matches. Shelton may very well be the most athletic man in the WWE, and always the highlight of spotfests, so it was a bit disappointing to see him rely so heavily on old routines. That is, of course, until he took control of the match on the inside.

The announcers said Shelton’s TLC moment will be his dive off the top of the ladder set up next to the guard rail. They are wrong. It will be him sticking the landing on to the top rope. After that spot, the match was instantly elevated to one of the best, or at least memorable, in the genre.

Christian, for his part, bumped like a champ, making Shelton look far more dominant than he has since…ever. He also got in a fair number of athletic spots of his own. In fact, my only teensy criticism is that it felt like Christian was just repeating a lot of Shelton’s moves. Did we really need them both to hang from the belt? It felt a little contrived. Still, it was an excellent opener as well as an excellent match.

86 out of 100

Vice: If you were to ask me “hey, Vice, what’s one of the best ways to potentially kick off a PPV?”, well, I’d answer with either 1) a backstage segment featuring a naked Daffers speedrunning Super Metroid while listening to The Touch by Stan Bush or 2) a ladder match featuring Shelton Benjamin. Well, here we are, and it’s Christian and Shelton Benjamin kicking off the show with a ladder match for the ECW title.

And I was completely underwhelmed.

Yeah, I said it. It was just a really generic ladder match that really didn’t do anything for me. Now, I’d love to just leave it at that, but there are two things I’d really like to talk about. First, is the stupid fucking no blood rule. You know, where someone gets busted open the hard way by mistake and the match has to stop while the doctors patch up the wound. I can see why they do it, but I really don’t like it. And it also means that there can’t be epic imagery with bloody opponents in a heated battle sometime in the future. Gotta stop the action. Screw PG. I want blood (and so do the rabid fans in this arena) and tits.

Second, I hate spots that involve ladders breaking. Like the one that Shelton went through. It was a wooden ladder painted silver to look like metal. You can tell when the ladder shatters and you can see the wood’s natural color where the break is. I’m not trying to sound like a dick, but when it comes to being put through wood, THERE ARE TABLES. Ladders should not be used like tables. It’s just dumb.

But yeah, underwhelming match, but the crowd seemed to enjoy it. So, it did its job.

Oh yeah, and Michael Cole had a script in his hand throughout the match. Booya.

Christian Over Shelton Benjamin Following Christian Retrieving The Title Belt.

Segment 3 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – John (William Wallace’s Long Lost Heir) Morrison © vs. Drew (Macky) McIntyre.

Cewsh: Alrighty now, here we go. Two of the best up and coming stars that WWE, or anybody for the matter, have to offer going mano a mano for the Intercontinental championship. As far as undercard matches go, this kind of thing is hard to beat. I’m somewhat cautious, though, because McIntyre hasn’t really been tested yet in the ring, and Morrison has a tendency to have very similar matches with people he isn’t comfortable with. Hmm…

Then again, maybe my concerns are completely nonsense. These two start out the match and it becomes immediately obvious that they have chemistry to burn and are entirely willing to push things to the limit to make this match memorable, and that’s exactly what they do, as they proceed to tear the house down with an incredibly exciting back and forth contest, that truly could have gone either way. Ultimately, though, it came down to the ending, which was fantastically done just like everything else. Morrison nails Starship Pain (well, sort of. As much as he ever does, really) and McIntyre manages to get his foot under the ropes. As Morrison presses the attack again, the distracted ref misses McIntyre thumbing Morrison right in the eye, and that’s all the advantage he needs to annihilate Morrison with his vicious, nasty DDT (henceforth known as the McDDT). A three count later and we have ourselves a new champion.

Like I was saying above, I fucking loved this match. From the chemistry, to each guy busting out moves I’ve never seen from them, to both of their characters just shining through so strongly, this is about as good as you could possibly want from two young guys trying to prove themselves. It’s not a “blow you away” kind of match, but it sure as hell was entertaining.


81 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

 
Vice: This match was a ton better than I would have guessed. I’m still not very high on Morrison at all, but I do like McIntyre a good bit. Shame he had to cheat to win, but hey, that’s the only way heels can win. He looks good with a title in his hands, I must say. With some more time in the ring, I can see him being a really solid talent over the next few years.

Morrison loses, but that just lets him go on to do bigger and better things. Irony.

Ms.Cewsh: Did I say Shelton was the most athletic man in the WWE? I clearly spoke too soon. I am in love with John Morrison. I am in love with his look. I am in love with his moves. I am in love with his entrance. I am in lust with his abs. Every move, every gesture, every look he gives looks amazing. I will even forgive the fact that I don’t think Starship Pain has ever actually hit a single person.

McIntrye is intriguing. He’s got a pretty great look, even if I think he looks like a 7 foot Brian Kendrick, and clearly skills to back it up.

He DOES Kind Of Look Like Kendrick…


But, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, WWE is rushing the new talent. I’d like to see McIntyre stay at the IC level for a bit. Like, a year or two, a bit. Feud with everyone. Get some more mic time. Make me remember Drew McIntrye and not just “Mr. McMahon’s Protégé”. The main event isn’t going anywhere for a little while, no need to rush *coughSheamuscough* just yet.

Oh right, the match. It’s great because it features greatness. Good, athletic moves, nice storytelling, and a surprising end. It didn’t quite live up to the opener, but it cemented everything I said above. Including the non-hitting of Starship Pain.

81 out of 100

Drew McIntyre Over John Morrison Following The McDDT.

Segment 4 – THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!

Cewsh: Backstage, Josh Matthews tries unsuccessfully to get an interview with Vince McMahon, who tells him instead to interview our new Intercontinental champion, Drew McIntyre. Drew talks for a bit before Sheamus comes out to congratulate him and assure him that he (Sheamus) will also be winning a title tonight. Geez, just like those foreigners to come from their Irelands and their Scotlands and take all the good jobs that honest Americans like us could totally have gotten instead. I mean, me and Vice were totally going to compete for the Intercontinental title next week, but nooooo. Occupado. You know what I’m saying fellas? No? Not even a little bit at all? Hmm.

Please don’t write us hate mail.

Segment 5 – Women’s Championship – Michelle (M.J. McStyles) McCool © vs. Mickie (Should Not Be Allowed To Dress Herself) James.

Ms.Cewsh: Sigh. Oh Mickie, you used to be so fine. You used to be so fine you blew my mind. Now you remind me of ODB. I think it’s the hat. Unfortunately, your wrestling also used to, well not blow my mind, but at least keep me awake. What happened?

Michelle looks fine in this match, which is strange because she’s looked great in recent matches. Maybe she and Mickie just have no chemistry. Cewsh says that’s it, that Mickie doesn’t have chemistry with anyone. Maybe it’s because the story behind the match doesn’t do it for me. Maybe Melina was really carrying all those matches. I don’t know, it’s not even that it’s a bad match, it’s just not the caliber I expected.

Speaking of the story, it’s awful. It’s vapid, with no thought put into it. Michelle could easily pull off a “Mean Girls” gimmick, but Piggy James isn’t “Mean Girls”. It’s mean. And untrue. Mean Girls the movie, which the announcers keep referencing so I assume that really was what they were going for, was a hit because it wasn’t straight up mean. It was two faced, with wit and bite. Oh Mickie kind of sort of doesn’t rhyme with Piggy! How hi-larious! Try harder WWE.

52 out of 100

Cewsh: The last time we covered a WWE PPV I made a vow to take women’s wrestling more seriously and to try to respect them as competitors and professionals just like everyone else. Not objectifying them based on their looks is a transition from the way WWE, and indeed most of the wrestling world, presented women during my formulative years, and rebelling against them is a noble cause, and something that I definitively need to be able to do.

So thank god that these two were the ones who wrestled tonight, because they’re making it real easy not to care about their looks.

First we have Mickie James, who comes to the ring dressed in an outfit that only a rodeo clown could love, followed by Michelle McCool who, while not unattractive, is still entirely too skinny for me to be comfortable with. These are the two women that are representing women’s wrestling as a whole this evening, and they are doing so because McCool called Mickie James “Piggie James” and it made Mickie cry. Very progressive, WWE.

The match itself was actually pretty good though, despite the things it had stacked against it, and I really enjoyed the opening sequence with all of the chain wrestling and reversals. Impressed me a lot. I also appreciate that Mickie had a good match here, because in recent months she has appeared to be disappearing as a wrestler, and has become as botch prone as any wrestler on the roster. Whether that’s a chemistry issue, a conditioning issue, or she’s working through an injury I don’t know, but regardless, I was definitely pleasantly surprised here. The finish came kind of abruptly, as McCool just kind of kicks Mickie in the face lightly and Mickie sells it like a shotgun blast, but I think the right person won here, and you can add this to the string of surprisingly good matches McCool has put together lately.

Kudos ladies.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Mickie James is hot, but she couldn’t look like any more of a fucktard in what she’s wearing.

Cowgirl/Indian Barbie Continues To Sell Poorly.


Crappy match. I do not appreciate Michelle McCool wearing a big hood and having the Styles Clash in her repertoire.


Michelle McCool Over Mickie James Following A Kick To The Fucking Face.

Segment 6 – WWE Championship – Tables Match – John (The Not Pale One) Cena © vs. Sheamus (The Friendly Ghost).

Ms.Cewsh: Tables matches are such a bad idea. Any moron can put someone else through a table. It happens ALL. THE. TIME. In the TLC match, they’ll probably go through five. But here, we get 20 minutes of brawling and people making poor decisions. Instead of doing the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, how about you Irish, (hee, irony,) Whip his ass into the table set up six inches to your left! Don’t just set up one table, set up fifty in and around the ring! This will probably result in you going through the table first, but at least I wouldn’t have to keep watching this match.

The end is what everyone’s talking about, so let’s focus on that. Wow. Cena and Sheamus get up on the top turnbuckle and in some shenanigans, Sheamus pushes/Cena falls off onto a table in the middle of the ring. Simultaneously, Sheamus falls/is pushed by Cena backwards and lands next to a table set up on the outside. Cena’s table breaks, Sheamus’ does not. Sheamus is your new WWE Champion.

Is that how that spot was supposed to go? I have no idea. I feel like Sheamus’ table was supposed to break as well, after John’s perhaps? Did Sheamus really put Cena through the table, or did he fall? Who can say. Whatever happened, whatever went wrong, they rolled with it.

I wasn’t expecting a title change, and I’m not super thrilled with it. Obviously, I want Cena to drop the belt. I want that quite a lot. BUT. I don’t love Sheamus holding it. I don’t want rookies in the main event, much less as champ. In the end, this is nothing more than storyline fodder. Sheamus doesn’t look like he beat Cena so much as he’s a lucky bitch.

67 out of 100

Cewsh: Okay, let’s get to it. First we have John Cena, the polarizing figure who is always in the midst of anything going on with the title, and the only man who holds the key to Vice’s heart. His opponent is Sheamus, a new arrival from ECW (who didn’t spend much time there either) who has been knocking down everything in his way on his road to becoming the number one contender shockingly fast. These two are meeting here for the first time ever, in a match that, it has to be said, benefits Sheamus more than Cena, because Sheamus doesn’t actually have to beat Cena to win it. Could there be a shocking title change in the air tonight?

Yes. Yes there could be.

I could go into detail about there very solid but unspectacular match that these two had, that seemed to be more stalling than anything else, but let’s face it. Nobody cares. You came to read about the finish, and that’s damn sure what we’re here to talk about.

Cena Delivers One Hell Of An Elbow Drop.

As Ms. Cewsh said, John Cena fell off of the top rope through a table, and it was debatable as to whether or not Sheamus pushed him off. But regardless, through the table the Champ goes, and by the time anybody has time to process this, Sheamus is walking to the back, holding the most prestigious championship in professional wrestling. So yeah. What. The. Fuck.

It’s not that I’m against change, because I’m ALL for it. New talent initiatives, new main eventers, fresh storylines, these are the things that really get my blood pumping. So in theory, a young upstart knocking off Cena to shocking win the title should thrill me, but this just didn’t. Sheamus didn’t beat Cena, he won on a fluke, hardly through any merit of his own. Sheamus doesn’t look strong here, he just looks extraordinarily lucky, and while it’s almost certainly just an angle to advance their feud, I really felt that this match symbolized so much more than that. This match had a chance to signify a start to something much greater in the WWE. This match could have been the marking point for where the next generation stepped forward and grabbed the limelight for themselves. But instead, what it mostly was was a confusing and anticlimactic end to a title match, where someone who doesn’t deserve it in any way is holding the belt. And that’s just super. Not to mention it ruined the crowd for the next 2 matches.

They can revive this. Make it better in the coming weeks. But on this night, in this match, in front of this crowd? It was a complete and total failure. It’s as simple as that.

51 out of 100.

Vice: What an awkward match this turned out to be. It was just clunky and a bit stupid, while awkwardly paced and sloppy. But really, the match isn’t the thing that’s going to be remembered. It’s the outcome. Sheamus wins in a shocking upset, as Cena pretty much jumps off the top rope and through a table like Sonjay Dutt diving for steroids. I seriously thought they were going to examine the footage after the match was over, restarting the match to let Cena get the win. I was utterly shocked when Sheamus actually walked off with the belt.

Okay, so, Sheamus, or as some people like to call him, GAYMUS, wins the title. There is some good to this, and also a lot of bad.

The good is that it adds a level of unpredictability to the title scene and RAW in general. If someone like Sheamus can come over to the brand and defeat Cena for the title, even if it was a tables match, that makes things more interesting when a relative nobody is challenging for it. Speaking of relative nobodies, that brings me to the bad. Who the fuck is Sheamus? Really, nobody gives a rat’s ass about this guy and someone else totally could have gotten the push. I hate to sound like Defrost here, but bloody hell is it good to be Triple H’s workout buddy.

I’m intrigued enough to care, but I also worry. Normally I jump for joy when Cena loses the title, but this.. this was not a jump for joy moment. Also, I really hope they get a new title belt sometime soon. I’ve hated the belt since it debuted (though started hating it slightly less when it stopped spinning, but still REALLY hate it),but some wrestlers can kinda halfway pull off not looking like a complete fucktard with belt in hand/on waist. Sheamus looks like a fucking idiot with it. Bring back an actual title belt, please.

Sheamus over John Cena Following Cena Going Through A Table.

Enjoy One Of The Most Unreal Pictures Ever Taken.

Segment 7 – World Heavyweight Championship – Chairs Match – The (Bl)Undertaker © vs. Bat(s In The Belfry)ista.

Cewsh: Man, this match should have been good.

We’ve all seen the previous Batista/Undertaker matches. We were all shocked by how amazing they were, and the sheer chemistry that these two men possessed in the ring that drove their matches to new heights, surpassing all expectations along the way. We all saw those matches, and I’m pretty sure we’re all going to wish we HADN’T seen this one.

I’m not going to tell you moves and the like for this match, because even though there obviously were some moves, nothing in this match clicked enough to be worth mentioning. Hell, there wasn’t even anything here BAD enough to be worth mentioning. This is just a completely forgettable, mediocre match between two men we’ve come to expect better from in this situation. Actually, I take all of that back. There was one thing bad enough to comment on, and that is the ending. The Undertaker is beating Batista down, putting Batista in desperate straights, so Batista distracts the ref, low blows The Undertaker, and crushes him with a chair. 1…2…3! New champion right? Wrong. Teddy fucking Long comes to the ring, and informs Batista that since he saw the low blow, he’s refusing to let it end like this, so he restarts the fucking match. Batista goes back into the ring, eats a chair and a Tombstone, and the match is over 3 seconds later.

Okay, look. I like it when babfacy GMs stand up to heels sometimes. It makes it seem like there’s a reason that they’re in charge. But to have Teddy actively interfere in THIS match, and not in, say, the Intercontinental title match where McIntyre cheated to win a Smackdown title, makes Teddy look like a muppet, and to have Batista just immediately get beat after one move, despite having kicked out of about 7,000,000 Tombstones before, is ridiculous and ignores everything that has ever happened between these two.

That’s two awful endings to matches I was really looking forward to in a row. Cewsh is getting angry.

50 out of 100.

Vice: With Cena vs. Sheamus out of the way so early, I was shocked to see this go on directly after. So DX gets the main event slot, eh?

I really don’t have much to talk about with this match, other than to point out how great their previous matches were, which make this one look like some crappy indy match by comparison. No offense to the participants of course. And aaaaaaah, the finish. Fucking hell was that idiotic. I just didn’t like it.

You are BIASED, Teddy Long. You’re picking FAVORITES. You’re giving IN. Stand your ground, you peanutty muppet. Ugh. I seriously despised this.

To make things worse, the match gets restarted and lasts like 30 seconds and then ends again. Why can’t matches be restarted and continue for another few minutes? Why does it have to be so rapid? I’ve never understood that. If it’s a 10 minute match, reverse the decision 6 minutes in or something.

This had potential, but was pretty meh with a horrible end sequence.

Ms.Cewsh: Ugh, this show started off so promisingly. This match is better than the sum of its parts, but it’s still a pretty boring, forgettable showing.

Matches should never be restarted. Not only did it kill the crowd, like always, but it’s a bad idea to give someone in the back the power to overturn the refs’ decisions. Why do we even have the refs, then? Let’s just let the GMs call the matches from the back! Not to mention, why are chairs legal but low blows aren’t? Because that’s the stip, yes, I get it. But why? What purpose does it serve to legalize one weapon?

Oh yeah, storyline progression. Could we save that for the segments and let the matches be matches? Stupid.

49 out of 100

The Undertaker Over Batista Following A Tombstone Piledriver.
Segment 8 – Just Some Friendly Conversation.

Cewsh: Kofi is working out backstage when Legacy show up from behind. Rather than, say, kicking his ass, they just have a friendly conversation with him. Kofi then walks away from them down the hallway and walks into Randy Orton’s locker room, and has a nice talk with him too. Then he walks away. Um, you guys do realize you’re having a heated feud, right? Randy, you do remember that you like to injure people for fun, for much less provocation than this?

Christ, it’s like they forgot they’re wrestlers or something. Aside from the gratuitous shirtlessness, this was no more terse than the telling off your boss might give you for eating popcorn in your cubicle. Ridiculous.

Segment 9 – Randy (Wait A Minute, This Isn’t The Main Event) Orton vs. Kofi (Wait A Minute, This Isn’t the Opening Match) Kingston.

Cewsh: Trust me when I say that this is Ms. Cewsh least favorite feud that she has ever seen, so there’s a fair amount of vitriol in the Cewsh household when this match rolls around, but for my part, I really think that this feud started off strong with good intentions to make Kofi look great, and all the way up through the Madison Square Garden brawl, it was working like a charm. Then came Kofi beating Orton clean at Survivor Series, and I soured on this feud incredibly quickly after that. Now this, being the blow off conceivably, is the last chance for them to leave a positive impression on me.

Both men come out, and Orton immediately takes no bullshit and starts stomping Kofi all over the place. Kofi keeps firing back up and looking for his opening, but Orton doesn’t leave a ton of opportunities for him. Eventually though, Orton’s natural over confidence allows Kofi some chances to try out some high flying offense, but Orton always stays one step ahead, using his superior experience and ring instincts to reverse Kofi’s attempts to change the momentum of the match in his favor time and time again. Kofi leaps from the top rope to the outside, only to be met with a huge dropkick from Orton.

This May, Possibly, Not End Well For Kofi.

Kofi tries a baseball slide, but Orton dives out of the way just in time, and finally, when both men have nothing left, Kofi summons up the strength to nail Orton with the Trouble In Paradise, Orton keeps the presence of mind to grab the ropes.

As Orton takes the advantage again, he sees the perfect opportunity to Punt Kofi, putting an end to him for good. He goes for it, but Kofi manages to block it with his arm, resulting in Orton savagely attacking it, but giving Kofi one last desperation shot to win. As Orton picks him up to go for the RKO, Kofi whirls around with blazing speed, seeking to connect with the Trouble In Paradise that has helped him take Orton out in the blink of an eye so many times. Not this time. Orton ducks it, and Kofi has no more answers. RKO. 1…2…3.

As much as I wasn’t interested int his match going into it, these two made believers out of me here, as this match did everything it needed to, from reestablishing that Orton is a force to be reckoned with, to making Kofi look like an extremely talented rookie who can beat Orton if he just puts it all together next time, to putting together such an exciting final 2 minutes that it revived the crowd that the previous two matches had killed. That god for this match placed where it was, because it may not have stolen the show, but it damn sure saved it.

79 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Speaking of stupid. Stupid feud. Stupid Kofi. Despite my hate, the match wasn’t awful. It had some hot spots. Orton kicking Kofi out of the air was amazing, not just as an Orton mark. It was timed beautifully. The finish was hot too; very fast, very definitive. It was a good blow off to a feud.

On the negative side, it was slow, right up to the previously mentioned finish. Other than the finish, the match was kind of forgettable. Mostly, it was filler between main events. One person in this match deserves better than that. Still, Orton ducking under the Trouble in Paradise? Yes please!

65 out of 100

Vice: I wasn’t feeling this.

Randy Orton Over Kofi Kingston Following The RKO.
Segment 10 – Batista Is A Crybaby (But Don’t Tell Him I Said So).

Cewsh: Back in Teddy Long’s office, Teddy is sitting on the couch while Batista admonishes him and bullies him around. So Teddy takes a strong authoritative step forward in the match, and then gets bullied like a little bitch here. Though, admittedly, if Batista was swinging steel objects at the wall right above my head over and over, I might be somewhat amenable to his suggestions too.

Segment 11 – Unified Tag Team Championships – Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match – (The Best Show On Earth) Jerishow © vs. D(reamy)-Generation X.

Vice: Before, I was kind of miffed that this was the main event of the show. Because, you know, Triple H (especially when doing something with Michaels) loves putting himself above the world title. Until he’s the champion, and then he puts himself above everyone and everything. Because he’s the champion, and having the title is the most important thing in the wrestling world. Aside from a hell in a cell against his best buddy. Or a DX reunion against the SPIRIT SQUAD. Etc.

But with the ridiculously anticlimactic ending of Cena/Sheamus and the fucking awful finish of Undertaker/Batista, well, this was clearly the match that should get the main event slot. Though, if one of the title matches were to go on last, would it have had such a shitty ending? …and would you like a chocolate chip cookie? Nice and fresh.

This was the best match on the show, I’d say. DX has been more than tolerable for quite some time, and Jerishow is still so lovely. The match had some cool spots, some great action, and was just fun to watch. I’m saddened that Jerishow lost the belts, but whatever. I’m sure they’ll get them back eventually. And in a way, I’m actually glad that DX finally get a tag title run.

Now I just hope WWE doesn’t completely fuck it up.

Ms.Cewsh: Wow, after the last couple matches, I was feeling pretty down on this show. Luckily, this match was really fun. Everyone played a role, they did it well, and it was entertaining to watch. Plus, I appreciated them carrying the story from the Sheamus/Cena match over and actually making it hard to go through tables. And the announcers acknowledged it! Impressive.

Jericho and Michaels are obviously the veterans of this type of match, and it showed. They made it look natural. Both played off their partner really well, but in completely different ways. Jerishow’s doing a really good job of convincing me they’re 10 minutes or a stiff breeze from the whole team collapsing. DX is just so effortless together. They’re still so fun to watch interact.

Speaking of partners, Triple H did a really good job of selling and playing the face in peril. He’s a little big for the ladder match formula, but he made it work for him. Show seemed really uncomfortable at first, but settled into the “destroy EVERYTHING” role quite nicely. I’ve never seen anything like him ripping the ladders apart. I don’t care if the second ladder wasn’t actually hinged, or if it was made of cardboard, or what. That made him look so incredibly bad ass, and it set up for the coolest finish of the night. They climbed a ladder that had been ripped in half! Ripped in half! So cool.

82 out of 100

Cewsh: I loved this match.

I loved the way Jericho went nuts in this match and brought the ladder match experience and skill that he has. I love that Michaels brought back the kind of bumping that he only breaks put these days on special occasions. I love that Triple H just treated this like a regular match so that he wouldn’t expose himself as not being a natural at this type of match. But most of all, I loved the Big Show in this match.

I’ve been informed that the Big Show was hurt in this match and needs time off, but I never suspected it for one second while I was watching it, because he just played a very specific role so, so well. At the beginning of the match he really did look like he was at a loss as to what he was supposed to do in a match like this, and his role seemed awkward. But by midway, he was acting as the enforcer of the match. Not trying to capture the belts himself, but rather taking out both members of DX and letting Jericho go for, which is a strategy that I love, that I’ve never really seen explored to this extent in a ladder match before. From then on it was just a blur of great performers performing greatly, as all 4 guys combined to create something unique without resorting to crazy spots, and did some memorable things that I’ve never seen before and might never forget. Jericho standing on Show’s shoulders to go for the belt because the ladders were all broken, and DX using the broken ladder to climb to the title have to be two of the coolest moments in recent memory and I ate it up with a spoon.

For The First Time Ever, Triple H Helps Someone Else Up The Ladder To Success. HEYOOOO!

This isn’t the greatest TLC match of all time or anything, and it’s not even the best tag team TLC match. But what it was, was a very welcome bit of fun to round out a confusing evening and end it on a high note, and that’s exactly what was needed. Just a great, fun match, and a great moment for D-Generation X.


83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

DX Over Jerishow Followed By Shawn Michaels Retrieving The Belts.

——————————

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: This was a weird show.

The beginning and the end of it were fantastic, and I have absolutely no complaints about either, but the middle was just this huge mess of weird confusing booking, and lackluster matches to the extent that it almost ruined the show for me. Ultimately the scores average out to this being a strong show overall, but I can understand the hate that Vice has for it, because it was disappointing in a lot of ways. But anything with a ladder was fantastic, and Morrison and McIntyre completely blew me away and that’s what I’ll try to take away from this. Not whatever the shit was going on in the Heavyweight Championship matches.

Also, why were there only like 1 or 2 out of ring segments on this show? It’s not a huge deal, but it seems jarring after the way they usually do things. Weird.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 71.76 out of 100.


Ms.Cewsh’s Meditation:

Ms. Cewsh: This show was kind of like a zungenwurst sandwich on homemade ciabatta bread. Zungenwurst is gross and made with blood and tongue. And it’s German. Ciabatta bread is delectable with a nice crisp crust and a soft texture. Pick off the tongue and just enjoy the bread. Delicious, delicious bread.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 68.86 out of 100

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall I thought this was a downright lousy show. Odd shit here, crap match there. Nothing really seemed to click like it should have. Also, fuck these gimmick PPVs.

Vice’s Final Score: 41 out of 100.

Alright boys and girls, that’ll do it for us this week. We hope you enjoyed our review more than we enjoyed this show (and if you enjoyed the review as much as Vice enjoyed the show, you’d have set you computer on fire and be dancing on the ashes right now). Please tune in next week as we head back to TNA for their Final Resolution PPV. Leading into their enormous January 4th show going head to head with WWE, can TNA put on the better show for the 2nd month in a row? They have the momentum, they have the potential, and WWE made it easy for them. But only time can tell. Until then, as always, keep reading, check out Ms. Cewsh’s end of year awards by following the link below, and take care of one another.

2 thoughts on “WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009

  1. Cewsh says:

    Vice has formally invited you to guest review on our next IWA:MS review as a token of his respect for your spunkiness.

    Like

  2. Anonymous says:

    Vice, you really need to quit being such a downer on everything. Try to appreciate something instead of looking to criticize it at every turn. Fuck..

    Like

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