Monthly Archives: December 2009

Vice’s 2009 Year End Awards.

Unlike Cewsh, I don’t hand out actual scores for individual matches, so I don’t really have any hard statistics to come up with stuff for “Best” categories. I just have favorites. I should point out that year end awards are very difficult for me to do, because I don’t have any concept of time. To prove that, one of my very first thoughts for favorite match of this year was actually from 2007. You could say that my memory is similar to that of a goldfish. Ironically, the only thing that can truly help solve my memory problems is something that commonly destroys short term memory. Life, right?

And this is late because I wanted to wait until the veeeeeery end of the year before reaching conclusions. If you believed that, I may as well tell you that the Tooth Fairy is real, and that she’s actually a prostitute named Janet who lives in New York. Yes, Vice is lazy. Also, I don’t know who the fuck came up with the idea of doing extra stuff on Sundays, because my Sundays are very similar to the life of Al Bundy. Fending off women with a hand halfway down my pants, watching bad television and eating, is the best way to live life.

Anyway, I haz awordz and you can haz them two.

The Good:

Favorite Match of the Year:

AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Christopher Daniels – TNA Turning Point

Favorite Wrestler of the Year:


CM Punk and AJ Styles

Favorite Diva of the Year:

DAFFERS!

Show of the Year:


TNA Turning Point

Best Mic Skills of the Year:


CM PUNK

Best Gimmick of the Year:


“The Second City Saint” CM Punk. sXe.

Best Entrance:

DAFFERS!

Rookie of the Year:


Desmond Wolfe

The Bad:

Least Favorite Match of the Year:


Randy Orton vs. John Cena – Iron Man Match – WWE Bragging Rights.

Least Favorite Wrestler of the Year:


John Cena (SHOCK!)

Least Favorite Diva of the Year:


Michelle McCool

Worst Mic Skills of the Year:


Tazz

Worst Gimmick of the Year:


Da Da Da Da DaDa SUPER CENA.

Worst Entrance of the Year:

Veteran Most in Need of Retirement:


The Undertaker


The Tanooki


Biggest Production Pet Peeve Of The Year:

 

WWE. All of it.


Where The SHELL Did You Go:

 
Shark Boy

Worst Laser Related Lasering:

 
TNA

Best Hat:



DAFFERS!

Vice Needs To Go Lie Down:


DAFFERS!

TNA Final Resolution 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA FINAL RESOLUTION 2009

Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of the universal winner for wrestling blog of the year (from our mothers, and even then it was close). Tonight we have a special treat as we shuffle our sexy asses on down to Orlando to cover TNA’s Final Resolution PPV. This is the last big PPV of the year here in America, and it caps off what has truly been a year or turbulent and trying times for TNA. From the success (and subsequent failure) of the Main Event Mafia, to the rise of AJ Styles and the fall of Samoa Joe. And from the fall of Jeff Jarrett to the rise of Hulk Hogan, this has been perhaps the most important and memorable year in the history of TNA, and with the ground ever shifting under their feet they’ve come to a crossroads.

Last month, their PPV actually beat out WWE’s for the first time this year, and with a lackluster offering from WWE’s TLC, they have the potential tonight to do it again. Are we seeing the beginning of a true wrestling war? Can TNA keep up this momentum and ride it to ultimate success? Will Kevin Nash whisk Ms. Cewsh off in the night to his decadent palace of lovemaking? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

http://static.photobucket.com/player.swf



Cewsh: As you all well know, I have seen more than my fair share of opening videos over the year(s). So it may come as some surprise for you to learn that this may be my favorite opening video of all time. The beginning it set to Christmas music and shows all of the TNA wrestlers celebrating achievements and being happy while the pixie thing from Ghost Writer floats around the screen. But then, when mean ol’ Grinch Mr. Wolfe shows up on screen, everything goes to hell with fire and blood and destruction, coupled with some badass music, some great camera angles, and some surprisingly good video effects make about the coolest thing ever, before Desmond Wolfe pokes his head in one more time, so that the screen can turn into a raging inferno and go black.

This video is RIDICULOUSLY awesome. It’s like if you opened your stocking on Christmas morning only to find that Optimus Prime was wearing it and, oh by the way, he brought some strippers over. The sheer unadulterated joy and manic glee that this video produces is enough to power a 1971 Chevy Astro from here to Houston. Don’t believe me? Watch for yourself. But not at work, lest your maniacal laughter get you the wrong sort of attention.

Vice: The show starts off with one of the most absolutely ridiculous video packages I’ve ever seen. Christmas music and 80’s special effects overtop the wrestlers. So cheesy. There was also a “boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoooooiiiiiiing” sound when they showed Velvet Sky bent over the middle rope. Man oh man. What a way to kick off the show. Oh, and then the video gets all serious, blah blah etc.

Still so very, very awesome though. Wrestling doesn’t need to be super serious all the time, and this just shows how you can have a fun time with it. I’m glad TNA took this approach with the opening video. As wacky as it was, it gives me a lot of hope for this show. Why, I’m not sure. But it just does. And that’s enough.

Segment 2 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – The British (Dr. Who Are These Guys?) Invasion © vs. The Motor City (Kids, Don’t Play With) Machine Guns.

Cewsh: We start off with the Guns (who are mega, mega over) and the Brits start out full speed and never slow down. The Guns are known for going 7,000 miles per hour, and the Brits are one of the few teams in wrestling who can complement that style by selling for it properly and using a wear down style to get the fans involved. Not bad for a team featuring one guy who started this year as the British equivalent of an American Gladiator. Magnus started the year as a joke, and ended it as the good half of one of the best tag teams in wrestling. The world is a crazy place.

I can’t get over enough just how hot of a match this was.

The crowd was absolutely on fire for the Machine Guns here, and the pace stayed so fast when they were in control, and the Brits got such heat when they were on top that this thing basically exploded every time there was a tag of any kind. It’s easy to forget how big of a difference the crowd can make, especially in TNA where crowds are rarely hot enough to notice, but this proved it right here, as an otherwise good match gets elevated to the ranks of one of the best tag matches in TNA’s history (not terribly prestigious) simply by the fans going nuts and the wrestlers feeding off of it. I’ll tell you, the last 5 minutes of this match are not to be missed. If you’ve never seen a Motor City Machine Guns match or a British Invasion match, now’s the time. Here they both are at their absolute finest.



85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.




 

Vice: The first thing I must point out is that the ropes are green and red. Holiday spirit and all. It looks festive and it’s very unique and, well, fresh. I really like it. It’s quite amazing how much a simple change in colors can do for a product. Obviously red and green throughout the year would be ridiculous, but switching it up here and there for PPVs couldn’t hurt. Especially in the Impact Zone when it always looks the same.


Festive.



Fuck an intro to this match. I’m jumping in at full speed.

…do I really hear a “BLOODY WANKERS!” chant?

One thing that kind of ticked me off was when Doug Williams locked his legs around the head of Alex Shelley, rolled him over and drove his forehead into the mat like 10 times. Taz and Tenay played it off like Doug Williams was super innovative, but neither mentioned the fact that the move is in, or at least was in, Shelley’s playbook. I’m not the only person that would point out such a thing. Who is the other? Well, how about DON motherfucking WEST?

The British Invasion are such great heels though. Magnus is one of the kings of facial expressions at the moment. He just has so many ridiculous faces, all of which are great. He’s fantastic at what he does, which is to be a snooty bastard. I’m sure I mention this every time, but the amount he’s improved since his debut as a gladiator is downright phenomenal.

When I first saw that this match was opening up the show, I got a little worried. Tag matches sometimes just aren’t as effective as quick singles match or a massive clusterfuck match, even if the tag match involves the boys from Murder City. I was quickly proven wrong though, as these two teams put on a fucking fantastic match to kick off the show. It was so fun to watch, and holy dogshitting Judy Bagell on a piñata covered forklift was the crowd going BANANAS during this. Was Velvet Sky fidangling her fidaddle on the main screen or something?

Lovely start to the show.

The British Invasion Over The Motor City Machine Guns Following The British Handshake.

Segment 3 – TNA Knockouts Championship – O(dorless)D(Dog)B(Biscuit) © vs. Tara(fying).

Vice: Naturally things go downhill a bit here. I enjoyed this more than Cewsh, but it wasn’t that good of a match. However, I absolutely loved the ending and nearly pissed myself laughing at ODB. Tara rolled her up to the point where she was practically pleasuring her own nether regions to get the three count. Even after Tara let off the pin, ODB was struggling to unfold herself for a good 5 seconds or so. Kinda like a turtle on its back.

Though come to think of it, maybe she was pleasuring herself.

Cewsh: My least favorite lady wrestler of the year against the statistical best of the year. Guess who I’m pulling for.

You may recall my progressive views on women’s wrestling the past few shows. I sincerely hope that you do, because I’m not play by playing this match for any amount of money that any of you possess (though offers are welcome, nonetheless). Every single move Tara tried, ODB botched it. Every single time ODB tried a move, ODB botched it. ODB even botched the roll up for the finish for fuck’s sake, so despite Tara’s best efforts, this match is going firmly in the “Shouldn’t have ever fucking happened” category.

On the other hand, Tara winning was, in itself, one of the highlights of the night. Having a talented wrestling hold a title instead of the single worst wrestler and personality on your entire roster seems like a no brainer. Nice to see them catch up.

49 out of 100.

Tara Over ODB Following A Roll Up.


YOUR WINNER AND NEW TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION: Tara!

Segment 4 – FEAST OR FIRED.

Cewsh: Okay, this is somewhat complicated, so stay with me here. This is a reverse battle royal on a pole match. I know. I know. Essentially all of the participants enter the ring, and the object is to take down one of the four briefcases at the top of poles at each of the 4 corners, and then to successfully make it out of the ring with the briefcase in hand. Inside of the cases are a TNA World Championship shot, a TNA X Division Championship shot, a TNA World Tag Team titles Shot (for the holder and a partner of his choosing), and the final case contains a Pink Slip, indicating that the holder of it is immediately fired from TNA.

I know it sounds stupid, but it really does kind of work.

Anyway, our participants are Jay Lethal, Consequences Creed, Kevin Nash, Sheik Abdul Bashir, Eric Young, Kiyoshi, Big Rob, Robert Roode, James Storm, Homicide, Cody Deaner, and Samoa Joe.

Alright Guys, Here’s The Plan. We All Go Home And Have Sex With This Skank.

This is NOT the kind of match you want to find yourself staring down as the play by play man of your illustrious crew. This match is basically 15 minutes of people trying to grab briefcases and being powerbombed instead. If that appeals to you, then man, you’re going to have a raging erection for the pleasures contained here. However if, like most other people, you don’t feel strongly about this concept, I shall summarize. Sheik Abdul Bashir got the first case when he and Cody Deaner took it down at the same time and Bashir waffled Deaner with it to win the scrum.

Then Big Rob obtains the next case, much to the chagrin of his World Elite teammates, so he’s got one. Then some things happen, and Kevin Nash awkwardly propels himself up the pole to claim briefcase number 3. And finally, as Cody Deaner looks to be about to get the final case, Samoa Joe kicks into another plane of existence and claims briefcase number 4. Hurrah for those fine fellows and their glorious victories. Let’s be honest though, what we really want to know is what is in those goddamn cases. So let’s get right to that…

70 out of 100.

Vice: Feast or Fired matches are always interesting. The match itself really sucks (like this one), but it’s really just a formality. No one will ever give a shit about the actually match quality; just who walks away with what briefcase. What’s great about this concept is that one person gets fired, which shakes stuff up and brings about some awesome stuff like CURRY MAN, and every male title has to now look over his shoulder for the person who, well, has money in the bank.

With the people involved in this match, I didn’t think Kevin Nash or Bashir would get briefcases. Joe did not surprise me. Rob Terry kind of surprised me, but I also sensed it coming. So it was an interesting selection of talent that immediately screamed “VICE YOUR DREAM IS COMING TRUE! ROB TERRY IS GETTING FIRED!”

Samoa Joe, Sheik Abdul Bashir, Big Rob, and Kevin Nash over Everyone Else.
Segment 5 – The Afterma…Oh Wait No. A Backstage Interview. Teases.

Cewsh: AJ Styles and Kurt Angle are backstage talking about their opponents tonight (Daniels and Wolfe, respectively). Kurt alludes to the fact that he very much wants to fight AJ for the title, and AJ alludes to the fact that he would like that as well. There is much significant staring at each other before they drop everything and start making out hardcore. Then Christy Hemme joins in and they totally have this enormous bi sexual threesome right in the middle of the locker room.

No really they did. Promise.

Seriously, Right After This They Totally Go At It.

Segment 6 – Okay, NOW It’s The Aftermath.

Cewsh: Borash and So Cal Val are onstage making a production about the opening of the cases. The first case is Kevin Nash’s, and they open it to reveal…a World Tag Team shot!


Then up comes Samoa Joe, who is dramatically revealed to possess…a World Heavyweight title shot!


Then Rob and Bashir have to open their cases together, since one of them is getting the X Division title shot and the other is getting fired. They open them to reveal…that Big Rob Terry has earned an X Division title shot! Sheik Abdul Bashir has been fired!


Holy shit! I don’t think anybody saw that coming, with Bashir getting fired there.

Rob Terry in the X Division is fun and wacky, Kevin Nash (and assumedly Eric Young) getting a tag title shot when their stable mates have the belts is very interesting, and Samoa Joe facing AJ Styles is dreamy. In fact Styles has matches against Joe, Angle, Lashley, and Daniels lined up, which makes me about as happy as a little Cewsh can be. In fact, I have to give Vince Russo (assuming he’s still booking right now) credit, because the World title scene in TNA is the most exciting thing I’ve seen in wrestling in a long, long time, with built in feuds and back stories galore and fresh matches with guaranteed quality written all over them. So kudos, Vince Russo. I’m starting to think that people may have been wrong about you all along.

Vice: Unfortunately that wasn’t the (brief)case, as he walks away with a shot at the X-division title, which intrigues me. I’m thinking he’ll give it to someone else or someone will somehow win it off him. He can’t wrestle period, so I have no idea what the hell they’re thinking by potentially tossing him into the X-division. Hopefully Red beats him, and Don West stands overtop Terry and yells out “DID. YOU. JUST. SEE. THAAAAAT?”, and then proceeds to rampantly teabag him. Then maybe he can pull out his mythical 19 inch co—well, you know where I’m going with this, so I don’t need to say it.

Bashir getting fired did surprise me. It’s not incredibly shocking and I don’t see it really shaking things up, but I’m kind of curious where they’re heading with this.

Kevin Nash winning the tag title shot is kinda whatever. I’d prefer a younger team get it, but I’m interested to see the Brits’ take on this.

Samoa Joe being the one with the world title case was expected, but that doesn’t make it any less FUCKING AWESOME. It just means we’ll be getting AJ vs. Joe. Or Daniels vs. Joe. Or maybe even Angle vs. Joe. Sure, all of those combinations have been done plenty of times before, but those matches were all lovely, so I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t unzip my fly right now.

I’m also really happy that TNA had each man open up their case right after the match was over instead of making us tune into Impact to see one get opened. And then have a match or two to have people exchange cases, and wait until the next Impact, and whateverelsehaveyou.

Segment 7 – Elimination Tag Team Match – Team 3D(ouble Cheeseburgers To Go, Please), (Surprisingly Not Shitty) Rhino, and Jesse (Captain Insane-O) vs. (His And)Hernandez, Matt (The Bat) Morgan, D’Angelo (God) Dinero and (The Holiday Season Is A Good Time For) Suicide.

Cewsh: Okay, the special stipulation of this match, is that this starts out with all 4 members of Rhino’s team in the ring, but Hernandez has to wrestle entirely by himself for 4 minutes before he gets any help from his teammates. This match is also elimination style, meaning that you need to eliminate every member of the other team in order to win. However if Team Rhino pins Hernandez in the first 4 minutes, they win, because he, at that time he comprises the entirety of his team. Make sense? Right, of course not, but let’s roll with it.

All 4 guys on Team Rhino beat the ever loving piss out of Hernandez for several minutes to begin the match, with not much for Hernandez to do other than take it like a man, and hold on as long as he could. He does more than that, of course, not only kicking out of the fucking Gore, but actually rolling up Rhino to eliminate him from the match!

Rhino Has Been Eliminated.

Finally the 4 minutes expire, and Hernandez’s teammates come rushing to his defense, and the huge brawl begins. Jesse Neal, trying to be clever, grabs a chair and hits Suicide with it. He is promptly disqualified.

Jesse Neal Has Been Eliminated.

Of course, Hernandez can’t stand competition, so he grabs the chair and hits Neal so hard with it that it actually bends around his head and neck like a fucking car crash.

Nice Hat, Jesse.

Hernandez, too, is disqualified.

Hernandez has been Eliminated.

“But Cewsh” you might be asking, “I thought Neal had already been eliminated. How can Hernandez be disqualified for hitting him with a chair if he isn’t in the match?” The answer, naturally, iss “be quiet” with a healthy dose of “I dunno.” Anyway, back in the ring, Suicide walks directly into a 3D with about as much fanfare as I just gave it.

Suicide Has Been Eliminated.

Now down to Team 3D vs. Dinero and Morgan, Dinero stays in the ring and has some fun with Team 3D, pimp slapping them all around the ring. Morgan applauds him on the outside, but reveals himself to be the single worst teammate of all time when Dinero walks into a 3D and, instead of breaking up the pin, he REACHES OUT TO GET THE TAG. As if Dinero was leaping towards him with the hot tag instead of actively being pinned not 5 feet away after being hit with one of the most established dangerous finishing moves in wrestling. Obviously this works out poorly for Dinero.

D’Angleo Dinero Has Been Eliminated.

Now down to Team 3D against Matt Morgan all by his lonesome, Team 3D tries their best to wear down the big bull, but ultimately they can’t control him enough, and he manages to plant a Carbon Footprint into the ugly mug of one Brother Devon.

Brother Devon Has Been Eliminated.

Now it’s down to the big guys and they brawl for awhile, but be honest. You can see where this is going, right?

Brother Ray has Been Eliminated.

Last month, these guys had a match that I thought the world of. It was hard hitting, it was fresh, and everyone in it played their roles to perfection. That was last month. THIS month these guys had a sloppy, poorly timed brawl, that was undermined by confusion over the elimination rules, and the fact that the ending came off so flat, that I have to believe it wasn’t the one that they originally planned. Overall, this match was a huge disappointment. Which is a shame, because for once, Rhino wasn’t the problem.

67 out of 100.

Vice: I didn’t have many expectations heading into this match and none of them were met. This was just a bucket of slop. It was pretty confusing. Hernandez obliterating Jesse Neal with a chair was a pretty great and highly satisfying. The dude totally just got DRILLED.

The booking was kind of weird too, like with Dinero’s elimination. Dinero eats a 3D, and as he’s being pinned, Morgan extends his hand to him for a tag. What the crap was that? Even if you don’t like your partner, Mr. Morgan, it’s still wise to keep him around as cannon fodder. But hey, you didn’t really need him did you?

I must say that I absolutely adore the Carbon Footprint. It looks beautiful and very painful, which is always a fantastic combination. Not sure how I feel about Morgan beating both of the Dudleys by himself, but he at least did it in a realistic way.

Team Morgan over Team Rhino Following Shenanigans.
Segment 8 – Last Man Standing Match – Scott (Stand Up Comedian) Steiner vs. Bobby (Awesome McAwesomePants) Lashley.

Cewsh: I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in these things trying to defend Bobby Lashley, and since I know I’m about to do it again, I preemptively apologize.

Steiner and Lashley meet in the middle of the ring to start this match and the first thing that the referee does is eject Krystal Lashley from ringside because he (rightly) suspects that she would get involved and that she would be safer in the back. Then Steiner chases her up the ramp, and Bobby chases him down (after Steiner tries to hilariously hide behind Krystal) and the brawl is on. A brawl is exactly what to call it, too, because this match is 10 minutes of these two guys beating on each other with occasional weapon shots thrown in. Lashley hits Steiner with a chair, and Steiner hits Lashley with a pipe. Then they do some stuff in and around the ring for awhile that isn’t really of any note, until Steiner (who has had his knee worked over by Lashley) puts Lashley on the top rope and delivers one fuck of a Frankensteiner, which after all these years is still one of the coolest and most impressive moves in wrestling, especially when done by a jacked up 40+ year old man.

You may have noticed by this point that I haven’t been talking much about the Last man Standing stipulation, and you would be right to wonder, because I’ve been paying it exactly as much attention as they have. All of a sudden though, both guys remember what the point of the match is, and start dropping bombs on each other. Steiner hits a hanging Flatliner from the top rope to the mat, and Lashley answers back with a huge Running Powerslam (ala British Bulldog). Finally, when he decides he’s had enough of this bullshit Steiner goes to get his pipe, but this backfires when Krystal grabs the pipe and throws it to her husband. Who…drops it. Looks at it on the ground, and decides to Spear Steiner instead. THEN he picks it up, clobbers Steiner with it, and they prance around together as the count goes to 10.

As I said, I feel the ever present need to defend Bobby Lashley because I really do feel like he’s misunderstood as a performer. Lashley’s best appeal is that his MMA credibility and athleticism can be used to create a big match feel, and can make for a great athletic contest. Using him in blood feuds where he has to talk, act and brawl is ENTIRELY THE OPPOSITE, but for some reason bookers look at him and think “Holy shit! He’ll be an instant star! I’ll put him in whatever program I feel like.” and he needs way more protecting than that. He could do well, but as long as he’s presented this way, he’ll never have compelling matches, and Steiner, try as he might, isn’t the guy to carry someone like Bobby in this kind of situation.

This wasn’t a terrible match. But it was a match that stunk of what it COULD be, rather than accomplishing anything of note. Shame.

69 out of 100.

Vice: I don’t like how Lashley doesn’t sync his pyro up to his music. The song has a really nice intro, which gives him plenty of time to make it to the top of the ramp, and then he should have the pyro kick in just as the song goes full throttle. It’d be really badass. Another thing I disliked right off the bat was Kristal being the super generic piece of ass face. It just doesn’t fit this feud at all. Lashley has been getting his ass handed to him, and she’s been violated by SCOTT STEINER: SEXUAL PREDATOR, and yet she’s all smiles, waves and kisses? Come the fuck on, woman. At least look the slightest bit pissed, or concerned, or SOMETHING. It doesn’t make me incredibly angry or anything like that, but it just doesn’t make much sense. Actually, on second that, yeah, it does make me angry. Your wife is dumb, Lashley. And she has stupid hair. And really, why doesn’t she just stay home and thus not be violated by Steiner every week? Women have no logic, so as a man, Lashley, you need to put your foot down. You haven’t been married that long. You still have time to make demands.

Lashley isn’t being used to his strengths at all, and Steiner seems to have killed his leg 20 seconds in, but 2they still put on a good effort I suppose. I was a bit confused about the rules though, as TNA last man standing matches are more like texas deathmatches than the typical last man standing matches. And by that, I mean you usually need to pin the man before a 10 count is even attempted. But this was what everyone is used to, minus the very quick counting. Instead of the typical WWE counting, where the person has to be down for like 45 seconds (1…………………………………. 2………………………………….. 3…………………………), this was more like 15 seconds. It’s good and bad. Good because things don’t get dragged out nearly as much, but also bad because the quick counting means that the people really can’t take any massive bumps, otherwise getting up before 10 just seems superhuman and silly. So, a definite double edged sword.

The only real highlight of this match was towards the end, when Kristal throws a pipe to Lashley, and he has it nice and in his hands and then totally drops it right when it counts. Is he a receiver for the Washington Redskins? Vice make sports joke. Vice silly. Teehee. Fortunately he actually IMPROVISES and does it well, and then finishes off the match, paying Steiner back with a pipe to the face much like the pipe to the face that Lashley got at the end of their previous PPV bout.

Scratch that. There was a second highlight—Steiner hitting a very sexy frankensteiner in the middle of the match.

Not very good overall, but it did its job and hopefully this feud ends. However, I will miss SCOTT STEINER: SEXUAL PREDATOR if it does.

Bobby Lashley Over Scott Steiner Following Steiner Hitting The Pipe.
Segment 9 – Foley’s Funhouse Rules Match – (Jobber)Dr. Stevie and Raven(John Travolta’s Character From Battlefield Earth) vs. (The Saddled Lion) Abyss and Mick (The Old Timer Lion) Foley.

Cewsh: Hoo boy. Welcome to the violent and bloody portion of our evening ladies and gentlemen. Please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle while we pass through this portion of today’s exhibit.

If you’ll look out the left window, you’ll see two wild lions resting cheerfully in the prairie. You might notice that the older lion isn’t moving around so well anymore and the younger lion appears to have a saddle on his back and is being ridden by a gentleman named “bad gimmick”. Quite natural in these habitats of course. If you’ll look out the right window, you’ll see John Travolta’s character from Battlefield Earth and a young man repairing the brickwork on that wall. A real jobber, that man is. Truly the definition.

Ah, here we are. The four of them locked in conflict over the land in the middle. As they struggle, all 4 try many desperate measure to obtain victory. From putting each other through tables, to hitting each other with chairs to occasionally using a wrestling move on each other, until all 4 men are quite spent indeed. It is then, that the saddled lion leaps into action, tearing John Travolta from Battlefield Earth apart with a nasty Black Hole Slam and winning the territory for his team.

Now as far as territorial battles in the wild go, I must admit that I found this one somewhat uninspired, despite the fact that I great enjoy the big saddled lion in these types of contests. It just goes to show, not every fight can be fun to watch, and I have evidently completely lost my cunt trumping mind.

65 out of 100.

Vice: Well, at least Daffers was on camera briefly. Mmm.. Daffers.

Also I may as well point out that this:

…plays along really well with the match. That is all.

Abyss and Mick Foley Over Raven and Dr. Stevie Following A Black Hole Slam.
Segment 10 – Thank You Jesus, Samoa Joe Has Returned.

Cewsh: Samoa Joe, minus the face paint, wacky pajamas, and leather coat he had been sporting of late, delivers a promo where he very simply states that he has a title shot against AJ for whenever he wants and that he intends to cash it in at his leisure. And he makes sure to note that he just might cash it in on the TNA super show of January 4th, when they go head to head live with WWE.

I can’t deal with TNA making all of these smart decisions and making my wishes come true. I’d ask you to pinch me, but I think I like the dream better.

Segment 11 – Three Degrees of Pain Match – Desmond (CoughNightMcGuinessCough) Wolfe vs. Kurt (Still The Best Wrestler In The World) Angle.

Cewsh: Okay, here’s the story behind the Three Degrees of Pain gimmick. This is a best two out of three falls match, where all three falls take place inside of the Six Sides of Steel. The first fall in pinfalls only, the second fall is submissions only and the third fall (if necessary) is having to escape the cage. The match came about after Wolfe and Angle having feuded for two months now, and the two of them being at a standstill. This baby is for all the marbles.

Vice: I never thought I’d be so happy to have Nigel McGuinness in TNA. They risked a lot by putting him in such a big program with a wrestler like Kurt Angle, who is in a whole ‘nother league in terms of stardom. It totally paid off last month when they put on a fantastic match as a co-main event to arguably their best PPV of all time. I kind of forgot about TNA (aside from the Hogan stuff) between then and now, but I was absolutely thrilled to see these guys get another big match together. Plus with a gimmick attached to it in a Three Degrees of Pain match, making things all the more interesting.

Cewsh: As the match begins, these two men immediately go to the ground for some serious mat wrestling and they stay there, taking advantage of the rare opportunity for two trained mat wrestlers to go at it with one another, Angle with his amateur wrestling style, and Nigel with his European style. Wolfe stays ahead of Angle throughout the beginning, using his size and strength to keep Angle off guard, and using repeated pin attempts to tire Angle out. It nearly works until Angle finds it within him to fire up, triggering some offense, including a wicked powerbomb into the turnbuckle, giving him the advantage for the first time in the match. They fight back and forth for awhile with each man, refusing to cede even just the first fall, as Wolfe survives 5 German suplexes and an Angle Slam, and Kurt manages to survive the Tower of London once, but after a nuclear Lariat and another Tower of London, we have the winner of our first fall.

Vice: One of the things I didn’t really like about the opening fall of the match was that it didn’t play off the previous match for the most part. What I love about wrestling and psychology and all that when it comes to rematches, is that some wrestlers are very good at playing off the key events of the first one. For example, Angle missed the moonsault in the first match because Wolfe rolled out of the way, simply because he wasn’t damaged enough and Angle took too much time. In this match, Angle again goes for the moonsault and misses. It was basically the same scenario both times. Angle should have either hit the moonsault in the first match, leading to Wolfe knowing about it the second time around, or have Angle weaken Wolfe more and actually hit it. Though I suppose you could chalk it up to Wolfe still knowing everything there is to know about Angle. And yeah, I’m really just nitpicking here, but there wasn’t a heck of a lot in this match that played off the first one, aside from Nigel getting his first fall—knowing that a single lariat wouldn’t put Angle down, so instead of wasting any sort of time with a pinfall attempt, he puts the fucker up on the top rope and utterly blasts him with the Tower of London.

The first part of this match, which is pinfall only, was really well done for the most part though. These two really have good chemistry and play off each other like peanut butter and jelly. The crowd wasn’t very hot for it though, unfortunately. There were a number of times when it was kind of plodding. There were a number of times where I was thinking “didn’t they do this EXACT same thing last time?”, and there were a number of times when I considered pausing so I could masturbate without missing any of the awesomeness. I very much enjoyed TNA’s rules for this fall, not allowing competitors to use the cage as a weapon. Basically it’s TNA needing to work with the limitation of needing to assemble the steel cage around the ring because of the Impact Zone’s small size, unlike WWE’s fully assembled cage hanging above the ring, being able to be lowered and raised whenever they feel like. It’s also creating a good situation in that it’s not just a 2/3 falls cage match with different stipulations for each fall. I can see people shitting on it, but I was very impressed with how it was handled.

The Winner Of The First Fall: Nigel McGuiness.

Cewsh: Now we’re on to the next fall, which is submission only, and Wolfe wastes no time going after the arms of Kurt Angle, but Angle, refusing to die, manages to roll through it, locking in the Figure Four leglock, which puts Desmond in serious danger before Desmond manages to barely get two fingers on the bottom rope, forcing the break. Back on their feet, Wolfe goes straight after Angle’s arm again, holding him in a hammerlock, playing keep away with Angle’s arm, keeping himself on top of Kurt and in control. It only takes one second of lapsed attention for Angle to roll out of that into the Anklelock, though, and it takes even less time for Wolfe to roll through into the short arm scissors. Then, naturally, Angle gets the Anklelock again, but Nigel takes THAT into a Kimura lock, which he transitioned back into a hammerlock, really doing tons of damage to the arm of Kurt Angle.

Then, just to prove what badasses they are, they both start using each other’s submission moves, and if you can’t tell by now, this match is an absolute wrestling clinic. I can’t even relate to you all of the reversals and counters and counter-reversals and reversal-counters going on here, as every breath brings a new transition by these men who refuse to quit in the face of tremendous pain. Finally though, Angle works himself into a position where he can lock in the Anklelock with the legs cinched, and it’s over. Nobody gets out of that.

Vice: The second fall was submissions only, and it was fascinating to watch. I love this shit. I generally hate WWE submission matches, because it’s basically two guys with one submission hold each, and they wrestle a fairly standard match with a submission attempt here and there. These two have so many holds, and so many ways of reversing one thing into another. It all flowed so well, and even though it was kind of slow at times, it was fascinating to watch as I said before. The selling from both men was great as well. What I truly loved about the dynamic of needing to escape as the third fall, was that Angle’s submission targets Wolfe’s ankle, making it hard to move around, and especially hard to get solid footing in the tiny holes in the chain link fence to climb out. With only the tips of his toes being able to fit in the hole, it creates a tremendous amount of pressure on his damaged ankle.

Likewise, Wolfe’s focus is Angle’s arm and shoulder. Again, this makes escaping the cage very difficult, because Angle has to pull his 230 pound body up and over the cage, and doing that with a bum arm has got to hurt. With both men trading submission holds, Angle finally gets the grapevine ankle lock locked in to place because Wolfe, while knowing that it’s coming, simply has no gas left in the tank to truly counter it. Wolfe is very quick to tap, which I liked. It goes back to the first match he had with Angle—he gets trapped in a hold he knows he can’t break out of, and while he knows that it may be possibly to drag himself to the ropes for a break, he knows it isn’t worth it in the long run. It’s not a pansy thing to do. It’s smart. With a third fall left, Wolfe wisely decides to keep his ankle attached to his leg, because he’s sure as fuck going to need it, starting… now!

The Winner Of The Second Fall: Kurt Angle.

Cewsh: Now we start the 3rd and final fall, where the idea is to escape the cage, and now using the cage as a weapon is not only optional, it’s encouraged. Immediately, these two guys shake off their weariness and go to business, with Angle hitting an Angle Slam, and a top rope belly to belly suplex on Wolfe, which Wolfe answers back with a superplex and a shit ton of punches. Wolfe gets busted open, blood flowing all over the place as he calls for the door to be opened.

Someone Needs A Hello Kitty Band Aid.

Angle runs to intercept, but Wolfe slams his head in the door, buying him the time to get down the stairs, but just before he makes it to the ground, Angle slaps on an Anklelock from behind, and drags him back into the ring, where Wolfe taps to no avail.

Kurt lets him go after Wolfe appears to pass out and tries to climb the cage to escape. He makes it to the top as Wolfe begins to revive and crawl for the door. They are heartbeats apart from one another, who will win? Who’s feet will hit first?

Boo yeah.

Vice: The cage can be used as a weapon, and with both men having one fall to their name, it is ON. I love the psychology here as both men start going ape shit and putting it all on the line. They know that their limbs are hurting, so they’re going to need to seriously hurt the other person to have enough time to climb the 8 feet of cage that must seem like Mount Kilimanjaro to them. Wolfe gets smashed into the middle bar of the cage and his head starts gushing. Hey, blood! Oh how I’ve missed you.

What I love about blood is that it makes people desperate. No matter how fit you are, no matter how amazing your cardio is, or how much heart you have.. the second you start losing a lot of blood, you have a countdown above your head, ticking down to when you will just not be able to function properly. Combine that with getting blood in your eyes, not only blinding you, but making yourself more susceptible to attack, and people just go into survival mode. To strengthen my point, in an amazing spot, Wolfe sticks his wounded leg up to block Kurt Angle’s frog splash. To me, this was just brilliant. Wolfe is desperate and refuses to let Angle get one up on him, so he kills his own leg to kill Angle’s shoulder, keeping things even. It’s perfect psychology and was done so well. Wolfe, bleeding all over the place, screaming as he clutched his ankle, was fucking great. Amazing visual and done to perfection.

And then a lot of it gets ruined in a jiffy as Wofle crawls to the cage door which is opened by the ref. I’ve always hated cage doors. What’s the fucking point? Why would anyone try to climb up the cage when they can happily waltz out the front door? Doesn’t make any sense to me. This whole thing caught me off guard because TNA is usually very good with making people ACTUALLY escape. I could be wrong though. And the commentators might have mentioned the door, but I’ve tuned them out now that the love of my life, Don West, is no longer the voice of TNA. So, the brilliant psychology in this match doesn’t really mean that much anymore, unfortunately. Though, Wolfe is at a distinct disadvantage now that he more or less has to crawl while Angle can run. I love how Angle gives Wolfe a monstrous FUCK YOU by slapping the grapevine ankle lock on again. Wolfe can’t do a goddamn thing but survive it.

The end goes to show why I hate the cage door. Why would you climb out of the thing when you can simply just walk/crawl out of the door? Sure it shows that Angle isn’t a man to take the easy way out, but it’s all about winning in the end. And yeah, he wins, but there have been so many matches that become incredibly stupid because of the cage door. When the opponent is alive and fighting, you run to the cage door, only to get stopped. Hmm. Ok, so you hit your finishing move twice, which gives you a 30 second period of time to do whatever the hell you want.. so what do you do? I know! I’ll climb the cage because that will only take 45 se—oh crap, he’s back up and now he’s stopping me. Maybe I should have just walked out of the cage, fixed my speedo, had a beverage and hit on a female in the crowd. But that just wouldn’t make sense, would it? So.. fuck cage doors.

The Winner Of The Third Fall: Kurt Angle.

Cewsh: Man, what a match. I’m not necessarily the world’s biggest proponent of mat wrestling focused matches, but this one was a clear study in how to do it properly. These guys went all out, doing the kind of wrestling that you never get a chance to see anymore in such an entertaining and intense way that I was riveted to the screen though much of it. My only issues with this match, and they were small ones, are, firstly, the way that the last fall seemed a little rushed and totally different from the rest of the match and, secondly, the way Tazz felt the need to talk about how much WWE sucks all the way through it, as if that added to the match in any way.

Ultimately, those are small criticisms, and this is a fantastic match, worthy of repeat watching and fanboy-esque enthusiasm, as I’m sure it will receive. Speaking of which, I wonder what Vice thought of it?

 
87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.


 

Vice: The match was fucking great. After the performance they had last month at Turning Point, I didn’t think they’d be able to come close to touching it with the rematch. Did they topple it? I’m not sure. I’d have to watch this one again and give it some time to sink in. But, this match was everything it needed to be and then some. These two could wrestle each other forever for all I care. Angle wins for a second time, but Wolfe is still put over like a motherfucker. Not only did he cleanly win the first fall with an exclamation point, but he stood toe to toe with Angle in the submission game, and was seconds away from winning the third fall. Angle proves that he’s just a wee bit better, but Wolfe is certainly someone to take seriously.

Download this. Watch this. Enjoy this.

Kurt Angle over Desmond Wolfe Following 2 Victories.

Segment 12 – Mick Foley has An Obsession.

Cewsh: No it’s not cake.

Okay spoiler alert.

It’s cake.

Segment 13 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – A(Awesome)J(Jughandle) Styles © vs. Christopher (Still Refuse To Call Him Only) Daniels.

Vice: Ok, I absolutely fucking LOVE both AJ Styles and NFN Daniels. They’re so great to watch. To me, this is a dream match. Sure I’ve seen these two wrestle each other six thousand times before, but never for the TNA world title in the main event of a PPV. Daniels deserves this match-up more than probably anybody else on the roster, and AJ brings the best out of him. I’m absolutely stoked about this battle about to take place.

When did Daniels’ music get that abysmal singing attached to it? Christ it’s bad. He had one of the best themes in all of wrestling, in my opinion, and now it just sounds like trash. They did the same thing with Kurt Angle, though I’ve gotten used to that. And they really fiddled with AJ’s. So basically they turn the best themes into ridiculous themes. Hopefully I’ll get used to it.

As much as I love Slick Johnson, and boy do I love the name, I really hate it when he’s refereeing the main events. TNA is really good with making their introductions seem epic, with the matches feeling like they are a much bigger deal. And “your referee for this evening is SLICK… JOHNSON!” just kind of takes me out of things a bit and makes TNA look a bit weak.

Daniels’ staredown as the match begins is great, as I love intense Daniels, so I was kind of disappointed to see him doing the same old stuff in the ring. Same taunting, same trash talking.. basically all the little things he’s done in every single match he’s had with AJ. All of which he’s lost, for the most part. I was really hoping to see a much fiercer and focused Daniels, letting out all of his frustrations on poor little AJ, but what we got was the same old “grumble grumble I IS HEEL grumble grumble” Daniels that I still love and do not fault.

I fucking LOVE AJ’s dropkick and how they build up to it. It’s such a simple move, but it gets a huge reaction because of how well he uses it. From a mile away you can tell when he’s going for it, and sometimes he hits it right off the bat, and other times there’s a massive sequence building it up, but it always ends with someone getting kicked in the face.

AJ hits the kipupcanrana for the first time in forever, which made me wet myself a little. It’s one of the things I love most about AJ. He has three million moves, but he keeps a number of them in the storage shed for when the time is right and really wants to impress. I was half expecting to see a spiral tap later on.

There’s a really sick spot that seemed very unintentional. AJ gets clotheslined and ends up on the apron. It looks like he’s trying to fall to the ground in a typical controlled way, but something goes wrong and his head just goes splat on the padding/concrete. It looked incredibly painful. Later on, Daniels does a springboard to the outside, going for a Petey Williams-style hurricanrana to AJ on the floor, and AJ just says fuck you and splatters him with a powerbomb onto the floor. Just.. ouch. Seriously. Ouch.

These two went all out in this match, really knocking each other stupid. Over and over again. Daniels was not afraid to legitimately slap AJ across the face as hard as possible, and AJ wasn’t afraid to drop Daniels right on his skull when he so desired. It made the title seem so important, and the stiffness really demonstrated just how badly their friendship has ended. See, what’s great about these two is that they are very good friends in real life (yes, even if they are enemies on television!), and trust each other with their lives, so they’re willing to go the extra mile when push comes to shove and really beat the crap out of each other for the good of the company. One of my favorite moves is the Styles Clash from the middle ropes.

Ouchies!

It adds so much extra oomph to an exciting, but fairly “painless” move. The results is great.

When I first watched this, I wasn’t really in the right state of mind, and something about it didn’t click. I thought it was pretty good, but only pretty good. Like a missed opportunity. Their two 30 minute iron man matches are some of my favorite matches in TNA, with the Bound for Glory match being one of my favorites period. So naturally the second this match ended, I compared it to previous matches. Who doesn’t do that? Well, it didn’t compare. At all. But after I watched it a second time, it was total magic. I adored almost every second of it– it was just that damn good. Couldn’t be happier for what they did when they needed to put it all on the line. Fuck I love AJ. Fuck I love Daniels.

Daniels needs to win the TNA title one of these days, because he seriously deserves it. Not only has he been one of the best performers since he showed up, giving TNA tons of great matches , but he’s also been incredibly loyal to the company and has given his heart and soul to the promotion. A big problem is that he’s just too damn polite and humble to ask for the chance to be THE man. Though with AJ as champion, this is when Daniels could become champion. They’re great friends in real life, and Daniels is someone that I could see taking the belt off of AJ, whereas I just can’t see him beating a Kurt Angle or a Sting.

I’d like to see AJ defend it against Kurt Angle and win the match clean with an impressive performance that still makes Angle look good, but not have it look like it was luck or anything like that. Maybe have a rematch two weeks later on Impact. Samoa Joe says he wants Styles at the next PPV. AJ beats Joe, but gets trashed along the way. Post-match, you can tell that AJ really got the crap kicked out of him, but he still stands triumphantly with the belt over his shoulder. Lashley gets in the mix and he has a match signed with whoever is champion at the next PPV. I say whoever is champion, because AJ is defending on Impact sometime before the PPV. It doesn’t need to be a massive star or an epic match or anything like that, but someone who is clearly not on AJ’s level. The kicker is that they put up a REALLY good fight against AJ. He still comes out victorious, but you can tell that he’s fatigued and that being such a fighting champion is taking a toll on his body.

He then takes on Bobby Lashley in a very grueling match. Have him barely squeak out a victory, needing to use lots of top rope flips/dives to put Lashley down, because he cannot give him the Styles Clash (he might be able to in real life because AJ is a freak, but let’s just say that he can’t, or that he’s too worn out). Because each impact hurts himself more and more, by the time the match is over he can barely stand up. His victory celebration is sitting on his ass leaning up against the turnbuckle. Maybe even have Daniels rush the ring and get in AJ’s face to yell “Your next PPV match has already been signed. You’re all mine, AJ!” or something to close out the show. Or maybe do that on Impact. Anyway, have Daniels explain that he lobbied for this rematch many months ago and it was given to him without a lot of fuss because it was so far into the future. Daniels wanted this match to take place at this very specific time, because he knows AJ is now too broken down to possibly defeat him. Yadda yadda yadda Daniels wins and becomes a glorious champion. The end.

Seriously, download this match. Especially you folks out there that don’t watch any TNA. It’s a very fun match with enough smarts to it to make it a great match, without being so epic that it’s just not accessible to more casual wrestling fans. As someone who loved TNA back in the day, but was lost after a number of dumb booking decisions, going five steps backward for every one step forward and focusing on all the wrong things and ignoring the good stuff that made them enjoyable in the first place.. this was another show that said “Vice, we’re sorry. Please come back.”, and it was so soothing to hear that I can’t wait to see how all of this stuff unfolds. I’m really looking forward to the next show, and seeing where AJ goes from here.

Cewsh:

Twas the week before Christmas, and aligned in the ring,
Where two legendary competitors seeking only one thing;
The Curtain had lifted, the stage was quite set,
For a wrestling match, none would ever forget;
These two former friends, their anger they could not contain,
Would do battle this night until only one would remain.

The war got underway, and there arose such a clatter,
A meal of violence, served up on a platter;
They fought and they clawed, they waged war on the past,
Until hardly anything remained at the last;
That Daniels was smart, he gave nothing away,
But for the Angel of Darkness, today wasn’t the day.

As the battle wound down, these two fighters pushed on,
Both wounded and hurt, and reserves long since gone;
When one of the men grabbed at the chance in his hand,
And a Super Styles Clash, he most truly did land;
When the dust had settled, this move had proved vital,
For AJ Styles had retained his title.

And he merrily said at the end of this night,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a great fight.

P.S. Make no mistake, this was the best of the batch,
So get off your lazy ass and download this match!

 
91 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

AJ Styles Over Christopher Daniels Following The Super Styles Clash.

—————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I have long been more than hesitant to refer to TNA and WWE as legitimate rivals. There was simply never a time when TNA had the stars, the product, or the resources to be anything approaching competition to WWE. But judging from the past two shows, and the decisions that they have been making, and the stars they have been bringing in, I don’t feel ashamed to begin openly comparing them now, especially with Impact and Raw going head to head on Monday, January 4th. With that established, TNA has, by my count, now defeated WWE for the second month in a row, topping the 71.76 I gave WWE TLC 2009 by barely a point.

It’s going to take a monstrous effort for them to stay ahead of WWE heading into the Road to Wrestlemania, and they still have some work to do on their midcard, but I’ve gotta be honest, this is a great time to be a wrestling fan.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 72.87 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, a very enjoyable show.

I love this new TNA. It goes to show how the biggest show of the year in TNA really is the biggest, most important show of the year in a number of ways. The show featured a changing of the guard, and now look what’s happened to the product. It’s become fucking GREAT. TNA’s best PPV was last month and this one was pretty good overall. There was more crap here than last month, but we also got another two incredible main event matches to end the show, ending the night with an amazing taste in my mouth. AJ as the champion is wonderful, and Desmond Wolfe has been one of the best additions to the roster in a very long time.

Things are clicking. There is no better time than now to have Hulk Hogan come in and go head to head with WWE. They won’t defeat WWE. They will probably get their asses kicked. But right now they have a solid product with a lot of interesting shit going on and a brilliant champion that any casual watcher will have their jaw on the floor for. January 4th will be an incredibly interesting night in wrestling.

Vice’s Final Score: 82 out of 100.

Alright, boys and girls, that’ll do it for us this week. We hope you enjoyed our sojourn through the once trouble and now prosperous lands of Total Nonstop Action. Next week will be our last show of the year as we do part two of our two part tribute to Mitsuharu Misawa. Ending the year with one of the greatest wrestlers of all time feels about right, and we hope you’ll join us as you brave family, friends, and other annoying things throughout this holiday season. In the meantime, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another. Oh, and Happy Motherfucking Holidays Motherfuckers!

WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009


World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders and Chairs 2009


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the death defyingest wrestling review in the blogosphere (whatever that is), Cewsh Reviews! Today we have a special treat for you all as we take a break from the sober trappings of our Mitsuharu Misawa tribute reviews and, instead, review the latest in WWE’s theme PPV’s, the vaguely named Tables Ladders and Chairs 2009. Will there be tables? Will there be ladders? Will there be chairs? Will there be ponies? Will there be Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures? Will anyone lay a finger on my Butterfinger? We have the answers and the only way to get them is to give us each a pony in the color of our choosing. I’d like orange. Or I guess you could read on. If you have no holiday spirit. GRINCH.

This Is You.

What I do know is that we are three deep (minds out of the gutter, people) this week, with the lovely Ms. Cewsh joining Vice and I to break down a night that just might change the WWE as we know it. Or not. You know, whichever. Regardless, make sure, after the review, that you hop on over to the Cewsh Reviews blog to check out the lovely Ms. Cewsh’s End of Year Awards if you hadn’t already. And keep an eye out this Sunday for mine and next Sunday for Vice’s as we roll on towards the new year.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: This video, more so than for any of the other theme PPV’s done by WWE this year, really does a great job of making this show seem like a big fucking deal with a lot of really important matches. Which is crazy because on paper it’s kind of a soft card, and the TLC gimmick isn’t exactly a new idea, seeing as how we’ve seen about a trillion of that kind of thing this decade.. But hey, credit where credit is due, they’ve got me hyped.

Segment 2 – ECW Heavyweight Championship – Ladder Match – (Sunday’s Are For) Christian © vs. Shelton (Eraser Head) Benjamin.

Cewsh: The build to this match is as simple as Christian being annoyed that the ECW hadn’t been defended on a few PPVs, and he decided that he wanted to steal the show, and chose the other experienced ladder match guy on ECW, Benjamin, to help him do it. So it’s really a battle to gain attention for their show and prove who the better man is rather than it is a heated blood feud or anything. That said, these guys are going to fuck themselves and each other up if history is any indication, and as a lifetime fan of ladder matches, I can’t fucking wait.

The match starts off slow, with both guys doing more positioning and transition moves than inspiring high flying. They trade punches, and each tries haphazardly to climb the ladder, but nothing truly of note happens until Christian picks up a ladder to throw onto Benjamin outside of the ring. Shelton pulls his foot out from under him and the ladder nails him right in the eyebrow, busting him open the hard way. While ringside medics tend to the wound (Texas State Athletic Commissions rules state that bleeding must be attended to immediately) Shelton paces near a ladder set up outside the ring. When Christian is finally cleared, Shelton welcomes him back into the match by flipping off of the top of the ladder, crashing into Christian and the ground below. OOF.

As Shelton stays in the driver’s seat, he sets up a ladder suspended on the ring apron and the announce table, but doesn’t get a chance to use it as Christian reverses his every move and goes on the offensive back in the ring. Shelton momentarily takes advantage again, but not for long as he goes for the Stinger Splash in the corner against a ladder, and Christian forces him to eat it at full speed coming the other way. Then Shelton, not quite understanding physics, puts the ladder up against the ropes, and tries to catapult it back to hit Christian. This doesn’t work. He tries again. Fails worse. Finally he just hits the bastard with the stupid thing and climbs the ladder, but he doesn’t get far before Christian scampers up behind him and nails his signature Reverse DDT, taking them both on a crash course at Canvas University.

Next comes maybe the most impressive part of this or any other ladder match that I’ve seen. Benjamin is standing on the top rope holding the set up but tilted down ladder with Christian on the ground below him. Shelton then pushes off and actually balances the ladder perfectly to go for the belt. Christian, though, uses his instincts to shove the ladder back the direction it came, at which point Shelton steps off of it mid fall, balances on the top rope, grabs it again, and rides it over one more time to catch Christian with a huge Flying Clothesline. It may seem like a small detail in the match here, but the sheer athleticism and balance required to do what I just told you absolutely staggers me. It’s just even more proof that if Benjamin had a true personality to his character, the man might be able to be the most entertaining wrestler in wrestling.

However, the match is far from over, as Christian fires up, despite looking like roadkill, fighting Benjamin down time after time. Benjamin hits a power slam off the ladder, and nails him time and time again, but Christian just won’t stay down, and finally Christian gets Shelton set up on the ladder lying between the apron and the table, and with a sky diving frog splash off of the top rope, he plants Shelton through the ladder, climbs the ladder in the ring, and claims his prize.

Rough Night?

Man, what a match. There are great ladder matches and history, and this isn’t quite good enough to belong in that company, but there was a lot about this match that was really unique and noteworthy enough to make it stand out from the pack. Shelton’s athleticism, and Christian’s unbelievable selling (in a ladder match! Selling!) sent this match far higher than it would have been otherwise, and I’ll gladly take a rematch or three from these guys anytime they want to go for it again. Their mission was to steal the show. Mission accomplished.


85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: Wow, the first thing to say here is the set is phenomenal. The tables, ladders, and chairs hanging from the ceiling are an incredible visual. Huge props to the set designer.

Home Depot Lost Alot Of Sales After They Started Hanging Their Products From The Ceiling.


The match started off a little slower and safer than I expected from these two. There was a lot of ladder play, but there wasn’t the innovation we’ve come to expect from veterans of ladder matches. Shelton may very well be the most athletic man in the WWE, and always the highlight of spotfests, so it was a bit disappointing to see him rely so heavily on old routines. That is, of course, until he took control of the match on the inside.

The announcers said Shelton’s TLC moment will be his dive off the top of the ladder set up next to the guard rail. They are wrong. It will be him sticking the landing on to the top rope. After that spot, the match was instantly elevated to one of the best, or at least memorable, in the genre.

Christian, for his part, bumped like a champ, making Shelton look far more dominant than he has since…ever. He also got in a fair number of athletic spots of his own. In fact, my only teensy criticism is that it felt like Christian was just repeating a lot of Shelton’s moves. Did we really need them both to hang from the belt? It felt a little contrived. Still, it was an excellent opener as well as an excellent match.

86 out of 100

Vice: If you were to ask me “hey, Vice, what’s one of the best ways to potentially kick off a PPV?”, well, I’d answer with either 1) a backstage segment featuring a naked Daffers speedrunning Super Metroid while listening to The Touch by Stan Bush or 2) a ladder match featuring Shelton Benjamin. Well, here we are, and it’s Christian and Shelton Benjamin kicking off the show with a ladder match for the ECW title.

And I was completely underwhelmed.

Yeah, I said it. It was just a really generic ladder match that really didn’t do anything for me. Now, I’d love to just leave it at that, but there are two things I’d really like to talk about. First, is the stupid fucking no blood rule. You know, where someone gets busted open the hard way by mistake and the match has to stop while the doctors patch up the wound. I can see why they do it, but I really don’t like it. And it also means that there can’t be epic imagery with bloody opponents in a heated battle sometime in the future. Gotta stop the action. Screw PG. I want blood (and so do the rabid fans in this arena) and tits.

Second, I hate spots that involve ladders breaking. Like the one that Shelton went through. It was a wooden ladder painted silver to look like metal. You can tell when the ladder shatters and you can see the wood’s natural color where the break is. I’m not trying to sound like a dick, but when it comes to being put through wood, THERE ARE TABLES. Ladders should not be used like tables. It’s just dumb.

But yeah, underwhelming match, but the crowd seemed to enjoy it. So, it did its job.

Oh yeah, and Michael Cole had a script in his hand throughout the match. Booya.

Christian Over Shelton Benjamin Following Christian Retrieving The Title Belt.

Segment 3 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – John (William Wallace’s Long Lost Heir) Morrison © vs. Drew (Macky) McIntyre.

Cewsh: Alrighty now, here we go. Two of the best up and coming stars that WWE, or anybody for the matter, have to offer going mano a mano for the Intercontinental championship. As far as undercard matches go, this kind of thing is hard to beat. I’m somewhat cautious, though, because McIntyre hasn’t really been tested yet in the ring, and Morrison has a tendency to have very similar matches with people he isn’t comfortable with. Hmm…

Then again, maybe my concerns are completely nonsense. These two start out the match and it becomes immediately obvious that they have chemistry to burn and are entirely willing to push things to the limit to make this match memorable, and that’s exactly what they do, as they proceed to tear the house down with an incredibly exciting back and forth contest, that truly could have gone either way. Ultimately, though, it came down to the ending, which was fantastically done just like everything else. Morrison nails Starship Pain (well, sort of. As much as he ever does, really) and McIntyre manages to get his foot under the ropes. As Morrison presses the attack again, the distracted ref misses McIntyre thumbing Morrison right in the eye, and that’s all the advantage he needs to annihilate Morrison with his vicious, nasty DDT (henceforth known as the McDDT). A three count later and we have ourselves a new champion.

Like I was saying above, I fucking loved this match. From the chemistry, to each guy busting out moves I’ve never seen from them, to both of their characters just shining through so strongly, this is about as good as you could possibly want from two young guys trying to prove themselves. It’s not a “blow you away” kind of match, but it sure as hell was entertaining.


81 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

 
Vice: This match was a ton better than I would have guessed. I’m still not very high on Morrison at all, but I do like McIntyre a good bit. Shame he had to cheat to win, but hey, that’s the only way heels can win. He looks good with a title in his hands, I must say. With some more time in the ring, I can see him being a really solid talent over the next few years.

Morrison loses, but that just lets him go on to do bigger and better things. Irony.

Ms.Cewsh: Did I say Shelton was the most athletic man in the WWE? I clearly spoke too soon. I am in love with John Morrison. I am in love with his look. I am in love with his moves. I am in love with his entrance. I am in lust with his abs. Every move, every gesture, every look he gives looks amazing. I will even forgive the fact that I don’t think Starship Pain has ever actually hit a single person.

McIntrye is intriguing. He’s got a pretty great look, even if I think he looks like a 7 foot Brian Kendrick, and clearly skills to back it up.

He DOES Kind Of Look Like Kendrick…


But, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, WWE is rushing the new talent. I’d like to see McIntyre stay at the IC level for a bit. Like, a year or two, a bit. Feud with everyone. Get some more mic time. Make me remember Drew McIntrye and not just “Mr. McMahon’s Protégé”. The main event isn’t going anywhere for a little while, no need to rush *coughSheamuscough* just yet.

Oh right, the match. It’s great because it features greatness. Good, athletic moves, nice storytelling, and a surprising end. It didn’t quite live up to the opener, but it cemented everything I said above. Including the non-hitting of Starship Pain.

81 out of 100

Drew McIntyre Over John Morrison Following The McDDT.

Segment 4 – THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!

Cewsh: Backstage, Josh Matthews tries unsuccessfully to get an interview with Vince McMahon, who tells him instead to interview our new Intercontinental champion, Drew McIntyre. Drew talks for a bit before Sheamus comes out to congratulate him and assure him that he (Sheamus) will also be winning a title tonight. Geez, just like those foreigners to come from their Irelands and their Scotlands and take all the good jobs that honest Americans like us could totally have gotten instead. I mean, me and Vice were totally going to compete for the Intercontinental title next week, but nooooo. Occupado. You know what I’m saying fellas? No? Not even a little bit at all? Hmm.

Please don’t write us hate mail.

Segment 5 – Women’s Championship – Michelle (M.J. McStyles) McCool © vs. Mickie (Should Not Be Allowed To Dress Herself) James.

Ms.Cewsh: Sigh. Oh Mickie, you used to be so fine. You used to be so fine you blew my mind. Now you remind me of ODB. I think it’s the hat. Unfortunately, your wrestling also used to, well not blow my mind, but at least keep me awake. What happened?

Michelle looks fine in this match, which is strange because she’s looked great in recent matches. Maybe she and Mickie just have no chemistry. Cewsh says that’s it, that Mickie doesn’t have chemistry with anyone. Maybe it’s because the story behind the match doesn’t do it for me. Maybe Melina was really carrying all those matches. I don’t know, it’s not even that it’s a bad match, it’s just not the caliber I expected.

Speaking of the story, it’s awful. It’s vapid, with no thought put into it. Michelle could easily pull off a “Mean Girls” gimmick, but Piggy James isn’t “Mean Girls”. It’s mean. And untrue. Mean Girls the movie, which the announcers keep referencing so I assume that really was what they were going for, was a hit because it wasn’t straight up mean. It was two faced, with wit and bite. Oh Mickie kind of sort of doesn’t rhyme with Piggy! How hi-larious! Try harder WWE.

52 out of 100

Cewsh: The last time we covered a WWE PPV I made a vow to take women’s wrestling more seriously and to try to respect them as competitors and professionals just like everyone else. Not objectifying them based on their looks is a transition from the way WWE, and indeed most of the wrestling world, presented women during my formulative years, and rebelling against them is a noble cause, and something that I definitively need to be able to do.

So thank god that these two were the ones who wrestled tonight, because they’re making it real easy not to care about their looks.

First we have Mickie James, who comes to the ring dressed in an outfit that only a rodeo clown could love, followed by Michelle McCool who, while not unattractive, is still entirely too skinny for me to be comfortable with. These are the two women that are representing women’s wrestling as a whole this evening, and they are doing so because McCool called Mickie James “Piggie James” and it made Mickie cry. Very progressive, WWE.

The match itself was actually pretty good though, despite the things it had stacked against it, and I really enjoyed the opening sequence with all of the chain wrestling and reversals. Impressed me a lot. I also appreciate that Mickie had a good match here, because in recent months she has appeared to be disappearing as a wrestler, and has become as botch prone as any wrestler on the roster. Whether that’s a chemistry issue, a conditioning issue, or she’s working through an injury I don’t know, but regardless, I was definitely pleasantly surprised here. The finish came kind of abruptly, as McCool just kind of kicks Mickie in the face lightly and Mickie sells it like a shotgun blast, but I think the right person won here, and you can add this to the string of surprisingly good matches McCool has put together lately.

Kudos ladies.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Mickie James is hot, but she couldn’t look like any more of a fucktard in what she’s wearing.

Cowgirl/Indian Barbie Continues To Sell Poorly.


Crappy match. I do not appreciate Michelle McCool wearing a big hood and having the Styles Clash in her repertoire.


Michelle McCool Over Mickie James Following A Kick To The Fucking Face.

Segment 6 – WWE Championship – Tables Match – John (The Not Pale One) Cena © vs. Sheamus (The Friendly Ghost).

Ms.Cewsh: Tables matches are such a bad idea. Any moron can put someone else through a table. It happens ALL. THE. TIME. In the TLC match, they’ll probably go through five. But here, we get 20 minutes of brawling and people making poor decisions. Instead of doing the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, how about you Irish, (hee, irony,) Whip his ass into the table set up six inches to your left! Don’t just set up one table, set up fifty in and around the ring! This will probably result in you going through the table first, but at least I wouldn’t have to keep watching this match.

The end is what everyone’s talking about, so let’s focus on that. Wow. Cena and Sheamus get up on the top turnbuckle and in some shenanigans, Sheamus pushes/Cena falls off onto a table in the middle of the ring. Simultaneously, Sheamus falls/is pushed by Cena backwards and lands next to a table set up on the outside. Cena’s table breaks, Sheamus’ does not. Sheamus is your new WWE Champion.

Is that how that spot was supposed to go? I have no idea. I feel like Sheamus’ table was supposed to break as well, after John’s perhaps? Did Sheamus really put Cena through the table, or did he fall? Who can say. Whatever happened, whatever went wrong, they rolled with it.

I wasn’t expecting a title change, and I’m not super thrilled with it. Obviously, I want Cena to drop the belt. I want that quite a lot. BUT. I don’t love Sheamus holding it. I don’t want rookies in the main event, much less as champ. In the end, this is nothing more than storyline fodder. Sheamus doesn’t look like he beat Cena so much as he’s a lucky bitch.

67 out of 100

Cewsh: Okay, let’s get to it. First we have John Cena, the polarizing figure who is always in the midst of anything going on with the title, and the only man who holds the key to Vice’s heart. His opponent is Sheamus, a new arrival from ECW (who didn’t spend much time there either) who has been knocking down everything in his way on his road to becoming the number one contender shockingly fast. These two are meeting here for the first time ever, in a match that, it has to be said, benefits Sheamus more than Cena, because Sheamus doesn’t actually have to beat Cena to win it. Could there be a shocking title change in the air tonight?

Yes. Yes there could be.

I could go into detail about there very solid but unspectacular match that these two had, that seemed to be more stalling than anything else, but let’s face it. Nobody cares. You came to read about the finish, and that’s damn sure what we’re here to talk about.

Cena Delivers One Hell Of An Elbow Drop.

As Ms. Cewsh said, John Cena fell off of the top rope through a table, and it was debatable as to whether or not Sheamus pushed him off. But regardless, through the table the Champ goes, and by the time anybody has time to process this, Sheamus is walking to the back, holding the most prestigious championship in professional wrestling. So yeah. What. The. Fuck.

It’s not that I’m against change, because I’m ALL for it. New talent initiatives, new main eventers, fresh storylines, these are the things that really get my blood pumping. So in theory, a young upstart knocking off Cena to shocking win the title should thrill me, but this just didn’t. Sheamus didn’t beat Cena, he won on a fluke, hardly through any merit of his own. Sheamus doesn’t look strong here, he just looks extraordinarily lucky, and while it’s almost certainly just an angle to advance their feud, I really felt that this match symbolized so much more than that. This match had a chance to signify a start to something much greater in the WWE. This match could have been the marking point for where the next generation stepped forward and grabbed the limelight for themselves. But instead, what it mostly was was a confusing and anticlimactic end to a title match, where someone who doesn’t deserve it in any way is holding the belt. And that’s just super. Not to mention it ruined the crowd for the next 2 matches.

They can revive this. Make it better in the coming weeks. But on this night, in this match, in front of this crowd? It was a complete and total failure. It’s as simple as that.

51 out of 100.

Vice: What an awkward match this turned out to be. It was just clunky and a bit stupid, while awkwardly paced and sloppy. But really, the match isn’t the thing that’s going to be remembered. It’s the outcome. Sheamus wins in a shocking upset, as Cena pretty much jumps off the top rope and through a table like Sonjay Dutt diving for steroids. I seriously thought they were going to examine the footage after the match was over, restarting the match to let Cena get the win. I was utterly shocked when Sheamus actually walked off with the belt.

Okay, so, Sheamus, or as some people like to call him, GAYMUS, wins the title. There is some good to this, and also a lot of bad.

The good is that it adds a level of unpredictability to the title scene and RAW in general. If someone like Sheamus can come over to the brand and defeat Cena for the title, even if it was a tables match, that makes things more interesting when a relative nobody is challenging for it. Speaking of relative nobodies, that brings me to the bad. Who the fuck is Sheamus? Really, nobody gives a rat’s ass about this guy and someone else totally could have gotten the push. I hate to sound like Defrost here, but bloody hell is it good to be Triple H’s workout buddy.

I’m intrigued enough to care, but I also worry. Normally I jump for joy when Cena loses the title, but this.. this was not a jump for joy moment. Also, I really hope they get a new title belt sometime soon. I’ve hated the belt since it debuted (though started hating it slightly less when it stopped spinning, but still REALLY hate it),but some wrestlers can kinda halfway pull off not looking like a complete fucktard with belt in hand/on waist. Sheamus looks like a fucking idiot with it. Bring back an actual title belt, please.

Sheamus over John Cena Following Cena Going Through A Table.

Enjoy One Of The Most Unreal Pictures Ever Taken.

Segment 7 – World Heavyweight Championship – Chairs Match – The (Bl)Undertaker © vs. Bat(s In The Belfry)ista.

Cewsh: Man, this match should have been good.

We’ve all seen the previous Batista/Undertaker matches. We were all shocked by how amazing they were, and the sheer chemistry that these two men possessed in the ring that drove their matches to new heights, surpassing all expectations along the way. We all saw those matches, and I’m pretty sure we’re all going to wish we HADN’T seen this one.

I’m not going to tell you moves and the like for this match, because even though there obviously were some moves, nothing in this match clicked enough to be worth mentioning. Hell, there wasn’t even anything here BAD enough to be worth mentioning. This is just a completely forgettable, mediocre match between two men we’ve come to expect better from in this situation. Actually, I take all of that back. There was one thing bad enough to comment on, and that is the ending. The Undertaker is beating Batista down, putting Batista in desperate straights, so Batista distracts the ref, low blows The Undertaker, and crushes him with a chair. 1…2…3! New champion right? Wrong. Teddy fucking Long comes to the ring, and informs Batista that since he saw the low blow, he’s refusing to let it end like this, so he restarts the fucking match. Batista goes back into the ring, eats a chair and a Tombstone, and the match is over 3 seconds later.

Okay, look. I like it when babfacy GMs stand up to heels sometimes. It makes it seem like there’s a reason that they’re in charge. But to have Teddy actively interfere in THIS match, and not in, say, the Intercontinental title match where McIntyre cheated to win a Smackdown title, makes Teddy look like a muppet, and to have Batista just immediately get beat after one move, despite having kicked out of about 7,000,000 Tombstones before, is ridiculous and ignores everything that has ever happened between these two.

That’s two awful endings to matches I was really looking forward to in a row. Cewsh is getting angry.

50 out of 100.

Vice: With Cena vs. Sheamus out of the way so early, I was shocked to see this go on directly after. So DX gets the main event slot, eh?

I really don’t have much to talk about with this match, other than to point out how great their previous matches were, which make this one look like some crappy indy match by comparison. No offense to the participants of course. And aaaaaaah, the finish. Fucking hell was that idiotic. I just didn’t like it.

You are BIASED, Teddy Long. You’re picking FAVORITES. You’re giving IN. Stand your ground, you peanutty muppet. Ugh. I seriously despised this.

To make things worse, the match gets restarted and lasts like 30 seconds and then ends again. Why can’t matches be restarted and continue for another few minutes? Why does it have to be so rapid? I’ve never understood that. If it’s a 10 minute match, reverse the decision 6 minutes in or something.

This had potential, but was pretty meh with a horrible end sequence.

Ms.Cewsh: Ugh, this show started off so promisingly. This match is better than the sum of its parts, but it’s still a pretty boring, forgettable showing.

Matches should never be restarted. Not only did it kill the crowd, like always, but it’s a bad idea to give someone in the back the power to overturn the refs’ decisions. Why do we even have the refs, then? Let’s just let the GMs call the matches from the back! Not to mention, why are chairs legal but low blows aren’t? Because that’s the stip, yes, I get it. But why? What purpose does it serve to legalize one weapon?

Oh yeah, storyline progression. Could we save that for the segments and let the matches be matches? Stupid.

49 out of 100

The Undertaker Over Batista Following A Tombstone Piledriver.
Segment 8 – Just Some Friendly Conversation.

Cewsh: Kofi is working out backstage when Legacy show up from behind. Rather than, say, kicking his ass, they just have a friendly conversation with him. Kofi then walks away from them down the hallway and walks into Randy Orton’s locker room, and has a nice talk with him too. Then he walks away. Um, you guys do realize you’re having a heated feud, right? Randy, you do remember that you like to injure people for fun, for much less provocation than this?

Christ, it’s like they forgot they’re wrestlers or something. Aside from the gratuitous shirtlessness, this was no more terse than the telling off your boss might give you for eating popcorn in your cubicle. Ridiculous.

Segment 9 – Randy (Wait A Minute, This Isn’t The Main Event) Orton vs. Kofi (Wait A Minute, This Isn’t the Opening Match) Kingston.

Cewsh: Trust me when I say that this is Ms. Cewsh least favorite feud that she has ever seen, so there’s a fair amount of vitriol in the Cewsh household when this match rolls around, but for my part, I really think that this feud started off strong with good intentions to make Kofi look great, and all the way up through the Madison Square Garden brawl, it was working like a charm. Then came Kofi beating Orton clean at Survivor Series, and I soured on this feud incredibly quickly after that. Now this, being the blow off conceivably, is the last chance for them to leave a positive impression on me.

Both men come out, and Orton immediately takes no bullshit and starts stomping Kofi all over the place. Kofi keeps firing back up and looking for his opening, but Orton doesn’t leave a ton of opportunities for him. Eventually though, Orton’s natural over confidence allows Kofi some chances to try out some high flying offense, but Orton always stays one step ahead, using his superior experience and ring instincts to reverse Kofi’s attempts to change the momentum of the match in his favor time and time again. Kofi leaps from the top rope to the outside, only to be met with a huge dropkick from Orton.

This May, Possibly, Not End Well For Kofi.

Kofi tries a baseball slide, but Orton dives out of the way just in time, and finally, when both men have nothing left, Kofi summons up the strength to nail Orton with the Trouble In Paradise, Orton keeps the presence of mind to grab the ropes.

As Orton takes the advantage again, he sees the perfect opportunity to Punt Kofi, putting an end to him for good. He goes for it, but Kofi manages to block it with his arm, resulting in Orton savagely attacking it, but giving Kofi one last desperation shot to win. As Orton picks him up to go for the RKO, Kofi whirls around with blazing speed, seeking to connect with the Trouble In Paradise that has helped him take Orton out in the blink of an eye so many times. Not this time. Orton ducks it, and Kofi has no more answers. RKO. 1…2…3.

As much as I wasn’t interested int his match going into it, these two made believers out of me here, as this match did everything it needed to, from reestablishing that Orton is a force to be reckoned with, to making Kofi look like an extremely talented rookie who can beat Orton if he just puts it all together next time, to putting together such an exciting final 2 minutes that it revived the crowd that the previous two matches had killed. That god for this match placed where it was, because it may not have stolen the show, but it damn sure saved it.

79 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Speaking of stupid. Stupid feud. Stupid Kofi. Despite my hate, the match wasn’t awful. It had some hot spots. Orton kicking Kofi out of the air was amazing, not just as an Orton mark. It was timed beautifully. The finish was hot too; very fast, very definitive. It was a good blow off to a feud.

On the negative side, it was slow, right up to the previously mentioned finish. Other than the finish, the match was kind of forgettable. Mostly, it was filler between main events. One person in this match deserves better than that. Still, Orton ducking under the Trouble in Paradise? Yes please!

65 out of 100

Vice: I wasn’t feeling this.

Randy Orton Over Kofi Kingston Following The RKO.
Segment 10 – Batista Is A Crybaby (But Don’t Tell Him I Said So).

Cewsh: Back in Teddy Long’s office, Teddy is sitting on the couch while Batista admonishes him and bullies him around. So Teddy takes a strong authoritative step forward in the match, and then gets bullied like a little bitch here. Though, admittedly, if Batista was swinging steel objects at the wall right above my head over and over, I might be somewhat amenable to his suggestions too.

Segment 11 – Unified Tag Team Championships – Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match – (The Best Show On Earth) Jerishow © vs. D(reamy)-Generation X.

Vice: Before, I was kind of miffed that this was the main event of the show. Because, you know, Triple H (especially when doing something with Michaels) loves putting himself above the world title. Until he’s the champion, and then he puts himself above everyone and everything. Because he’s the champion, and having the title is the most important thing in the wrestling world. Aside from a hell in a cell against his best buddy. Or a DX reunion against the SPIRIT SQUAD. Etc.

But with the ridiculously anticlimactic ending of Cena/Sheamus and the fucking awful finish of Undertaker/Batista, well, this was clearly the match that should get the main event slot. Though, if one of the title matches were to go on last, would it have had such a shitty ending? …and would you like a chocolate chip cookie? Nice and fresh.

This was the best match on the show, I’d say. DX has been more than tolerable for quite some time, and Jerishow is still so lovely. The match had some cool spots, some great action, and was just fun to watch. I’m saddened that Jerishow lost the belts, but whatever. I’m sure they’ll get them back eventually. And in a way, I’m actually glad that DX finally get a tag title run.

Now I just hope WWE doesn’t completely fuck it up.

Ms.Cewsh: Wow, after the last couple matches, I was feeling pretty down on this show. Luckily, this match was really fun. Everyone played a role, they did it well, and it was entertaining to watch. Plus, I appreciated them carrying the story from the Sheamus/Cena match over and actually making it hard to go through tables. And the announcers acknowledged it! Impressive.

Jericho and Michaels are obviously the veterans of this type of match, and it showed. They made it look natural. Both played off their partner really well, but in completely different ways. Jerishow’s doing a really good job of convincing me they’re 10 minutes or a stiff breeze from the whole team collapsing. DX is just so effortless together. They’re still so fun to watch interact.

Speaking of partners, Triple H did a really good job of selling and playing the face in peril. He’s a little big for the ladder match formula, but he made it work for him. Show seemed really uncomfortable at first, but settled into the “destroy EVERYTHING” role quite nicely. I’ve never seen anything like him ripping the ladders apart. I don’t care if the second ladder wasn’t actually hinged, or if it was made of cardboard, or what. That made him look so incredibly bad ass, and it set up for the coolest finish of the night. They climbed a ladder that had been ripped in half! Ripped in half! So cool.

82 out of 100

Cewsh: I loved this match.

I loved the way Jericho went nuts in this match and brought the ladder match experience and skill that he has. I love that Michaels brought back the kind of bumping that he only breaks put these days on special occasions. I love that Triple H just treated this like a regular match so that he wouldn’t expose himself as not being a natural at this type of match. But most of all, I loved the Big Show in this match.

I’ve been informed that the Big Show was hurt in this match and needs time off, but I never suspected it for one second while I was watching it, because he just played a very specific role so, so well. At the beginning of the match he really did look like he was at a loss as to what he was supposed to do in a match like this, and his role seemed awkward. But by midway, he was acting as the enforcer of the match. Not trying to capture the belts himself, but rather taking out both members of DX and letting Jericho go for, which is a strategy that I love, that I’ve never really seen explored to this extent in a ladder match before. From then on it was just a blur of great performers performing greatly, as all 4 guys combined to create something unique without resorting to crazy spots, and did some memorable things that I’ve never seen before and might never forget. Jericho standing on Show’s shoulders to go for the belt because the ladders were all broken, and DX using the broken ladder to climb to the title have to be two of the coolest moments in recent memory and I ate it up with a spoon.

For The First Time Ever, Triple H Helps Someone Else Up The Ladder To Success. HEYOOOO!

This isn’t the greatest TLC match of all time or anything, and it’s not even the best tag team TLC match. But what it was, was a very welcome bit of fun to round out a confusing evening and end it on a high note, and that’s exactly what was needed. Just a great, fun match, and a great moment for D-Generation X.


83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

DX Over Jerishow Followed By Shawn Michaels Retrieving The Belts.

——————————

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: This was a weird show.

The beginning and the end of it were fantastic, and I have absolutely no complaints about either, but the middle was just this huge mess of weird confusing booking, and lackluster matches to the extent that it almost ruined the show for me. Ultimately the scores average out to this being a strong show overall, but I can understand the hate that Vice has for it, because it was disappointing in a lot of ways. But anything with a ladder was fantastic, and Morrison and McIntyre completely blew me away and that’s what I’ll try to take away from this. Not whatever the shit was going on in the Heavyweight Championship matches.

Also, why were there only like 1 or 2 out of ring segments on this show? It’s not a huge deal, but it seems jarring after the way they usually do things. Weird.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 71.76 out of 100.


Ms.Cewsh’s Meditation:

Ms. Cewsh: This show was kind of like a zungenwurst sandwich on homemade ciabatta bread. Zungenwurst is gross and made with blood and tongue. And it’s German. Ciabatta bread is delectable with a nice crisp crust and a soft texture. Pick off the tongue and just enjoy the bread. Delicious, delicious bread.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 68.86 out of 100

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall I thought this was a downright lousy show. Odd shit here, crap match there. Nothing really seemed to click like it should have. Also, fuck these gimmick PPVs.

Vice’s Final Score: 41 out of 100.

Alright boys and girls, that’ll do it for us this week. We hope you enjoyed our review more than we enjoyed this show (and if you enjoyed the review as much as Vice enjoyed the show, you’d have set you computer on fire and be dancing on the ashes right now). Please tune in next week as we head back to TNA for their Final Resolution PPV. Leading into their enormous January 4th show going head to head with WWE, can TNA put on the better show for the 2nd month in a row? They have the momentum, they have the potential, and WWE made it easy for them. But only time can tell. Until then, as always, keep reading, check out Ms. Cewsh’s end of year awards by following the link below, and take care of one another.