TNA Turning Point 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Turning Point 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review that can please the eye and the mind and other places for a negotiable fee, Cewsh Reviews. This week we have a special treat as TNA comes to town, and like the Grinch deciding that he really was a nice guy all along, this month’s show has a bounty of goodness that is so tempting, I’m almost suspicious that the show will stop 5 minutes in to show nothing but a 3 hour video of Ron Jeremy shaving his back. I’ll let you process that bad boy for a second. Sex drive gone? Good. Now that I have your complete attention, let me show you the riches in store for you. Joe/Styles/Daniels for the World title. Nigel McGuiness (Err…Drake Fox? Dirk Duck? Derrick Zoolander?) against Kurt Angle. Bobby Lashley against Scott Steiner. Truly, these are match ups for the ages, and we’re here to bring them to you in all their salty glory.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: This video is essentially a recap of the interview that Dixie Carter conducted a few weeks ago, where she basically said that things were changing in TNA (alluding, no doubt, to the unmentioned departure of Jeff Jarrett as much as anything else) and that anybody not on board can fuck off, while everyone who wanted to stay had better work their asses off or TNA was going to fail, and she was taking them down with her. Or something like that. Its kind of hard to take her seriously a lot of the time, even when she’s pretty much as credible as it gets in TNA. Its not because she’s a woman, its just that she’s kind of an automaton when she talks, with no personality or passion to herself at all, so when she makes this huge dramatic speech about the future, it feels like a board meeting, not a leader rallying the troops.

She is damn attractive though. Is that unprofessional of me? Fuck I hope so.

Call me, Dixie.

Segment 2 – TNA X-Division Championship – The Amazing (9 Year Old) Red © vs. Homicide (Seems Like An Extreme Thing To Do To A Ginger Child).

Cewsh: In some ways, this is an easy match to get excited about, and in some ways not. Homicide has been on an absolute tear in TNA lately, completely stealing any screen time he gets with Brusier Brody-like Wildman antics, throwing chairs, abusing announcers, and generally acting like the craziest motherfucker in the company. Red, on the other hand, has had a very, very mediocre run as X Division champion thus far, and really, so have pretty much all of the X Division champions recently. The days of competitive, high flying, fast paced one on one X Division championship title matches seem to be in the past.

Or rather they DID, before this match got underway.

These two guys, who have extremely different styles, it must be said, combine to put on a great show to kick this event off right. They had solid chemistry, Homicide sold his ass off for Red, and they pulled out a few moves that I had absolutely never seen before anywhere, and never would have expected from Homicide. Moonsaults into Cutters, top rope Diving Code Reds, a hurracanrana, into a Black Hole Slam, into a tornado DDT, this match was just off the walls with its desire to please from start to finish.

Now despite this, it wasn’t all perfect. There were several prolonged periods of very awkward transitions, where the pace screeched to a stop, and some lack of timing that is very common in your average Amazing Red match, but what this match left me with was the sensation of having enjoyed a good time, and it made me want to see more wrestling. More than good enough for me, if not good enough to erase the X-Stigma altogether.

74 out of 100.

Vice: I might be a bit biased in my review, mainly because, well, I actually ordered this show. I mean come on, it’s Nigel McFuckingGuinness on [non-ROH] PPV, and AJ/Joe/Daniels. How could this not be ordered?

So yeah, my usual reviews consists of me sitting alone in my cold, dark room, watching a downloaded copy of the event. Cewsh and I have our copies synced up so we can actually watch it together as we shoot the shit over AIM. With this, I was in my basement with Chotliwala and Zyphlin from the forums watching it live on a big TV, having a blast and yelling out “OOOOOHHHHH!” and “AAAAAHHH!” and joking around. Massive difference. Another massive difference is price, too. Downloading is free, ordering the show and pizza = about $20 per each of us. And that brings me to another thing. TNA raising the prices of their PPVs. 10 people buy them every month because everyone else is so poor from buying WWE, UFC and boxing PPVs.. so their train of thought to get more sales? If you said “charge a lot more!”, you are correct. $30 is reasonable. $40 is pushing it.

The show, like most TNA PPVs, opens up with a fast, hot match. TNA just always gets this right, even though I suppose it’d be hard to fuck up for them. But still, I almost always give them kudos for kicking the show off with a bang.

The match itself isn’t anything spectacular, but it was a ton of fun. It was just Red being his usual flippy self and Homicide being himself as well, and they meshed fairly well. Oh, and of course I have to add points to this match because Don West is on camera. Man I wish TNA had never signed Tazz. Shame on you, TNA.

It’s really nice seeing Red be able to go as fast and fluidly as he does. When I found out he was coming back to TNA, I was far from excited. He was super fun back in the day, but through all the apparent knee injuries he’s had, he was a shell of his former self for so long. Throughout his most recent run, including winning the X title and teaming with Don West, I’ve been nothing impressed with the guy. Good for him, and I’m glad he seems to be a lot healthier.

The show is off to a fun start, with Red retaining in an exciting, though somewhat contrived, finish.

The Amazing Red Over Homicide Following A Top Rope Code Red.
Segment 3 – TNA Knockouts and TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – O(Overbearing)D(Devious)B(Bookshelf) © and The Canadian Cockteases (Taylor Wilde and Sarita) © vs. The Beautiful (Asses) PEOPLE.

Cewsh: Okay, the idea behind this match, God help us, is that if any member of the Beautiful People pin any member of the other team, they get that title. So if Velvet Sky pins ODB, she becomes the new Knockouts Champion, but if she pins Taylor Wilde, she, and conceivably the partner of her choosing, become the tag champs. Make sense? Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but let’s just appreciate that they held all of this bullshit to one match instead of spreading it into two.

These girls put together a match that elicits the wonderful “You can’t wrestle” chant from the crowd, and a chorus of yawns from me. I know that these women can put together a watchable match. I KNOW that they can. I’ve seen most of them do it. And yet this will get tossed on the pile of uninspiring, forgettable, matches that are burying the Knockouts and have been for the latter half of this year.

Sorry ladies. Cewsh Reviews only rewards mediocrity when we find you attractive. It’s a crazy double standard, but hey, it works for us.


50 out of 100.

Vice: Velvet Sky is so, so very fucking hot.

Even She Can’t Help But Stare At Them.

Third Girl is starting to grow on me. Zyphlin told me her name, but I already forgot it. The match itself is nothing to write home about, but there was enough eye candy in the ring to make it fairly harmless. Plus, the fans fucking DESPISE Lacey, who I really don’t think fits in at all. It is great. Someone on the hard camera side had a sign that said “Lacey Von Botch”, which made me giggle quite a bit. And whenever she’d get in the ring, the fans would utterly destroy her with “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE!” chants. It was enjoyable.

Oh, plus the pizza arrived during this match, which obviously improved things drastically.

The Three Amigettes Over The Beautiful Jobbers Following A TKO From ODB To Somebody.
Segment 4 – Lames Bond Strikes Again.

Cewsh: Oddly enough, despite my devastatingly witty segment header, I kind of like Nige…Desmond Wolfe. The man looks fucking good in a suit, and looks oddly comfortable in the middle of the big production of TNA considering that he was having a conversation in the parking lot of an indoor soccer field with the staff of Cewsh Reviews only a few months ago. Here, he uses several potential catchphrases (Cewsh Tip: Wolf puns aplenty) to explain how he’s going to destroy Kurt Angle tonight, and how that will be Desomnd Wolfe 101. Which leads me to belief that Desomnd Wolfe is one fuck of an advanced class if beating Kurt Angle in a wrestling match is day fucking 1. What the shit is day 2? Arm wrestling a mountain lion? Let me know how that goes.

Wanker. (Good catchphrase).

Segment 5 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – The British (Lame Bonds, All Of Them!) Invasion © vs. (Root) Beer Money Inc. vs. The Motor City (Requires All Citizens To Carry) Machine Guns.

Cewsh: This is a standard match between three tag teams. The idea is that only two men can be legal at any given time, but any legal man can tag anybody into the match other than the teammate of the other legal man. So if James Storm and Brutus Magnus are legal, Storm can tag in the Guns or his partner, Robert Roode, but not Doug Williams, but that wouldn’t make any fucking sense. Not that any of it does if you break it down that far, but suspension of disbelief is very important boys and girls. We’re here to enjoy some rasslin’.

The match starts off, and it doesn’t take long for things to break down into a sort of controlled chaos, with people flying all over the ring regardless of who the legal man is, beating up everybody else, until it sort of shifts to Beer Money and The Guns against The British Invasion. There are some arguments over which team is actually going to beat them, but nothing too bad until our TNA Legends Champions, Eric Young, comes strolling to ringside. He pulls James Storm off of the apron to give his team a leg up, but before he can do more, Kevin Nash shows up. The Big Man grabs the Legends title back from Young, and then, mildly out of character, drills Storm in the back of the head with it, before wandering off.

Back inside the ring, Roode begins to realize that he’s been screwed here, but its too late. He turns into a Bloody Hart Attack (Top Rope Elbow Stirke On A Suspended Opponent) from the Brits, and that’s all she wrote. I’m not entirely sure where the Guns were during all of this, but I’m sure there were probably rather annoyed at this turn of events, to say nothing of how peeved Beer Money surely was, but in the end, it’s the Brits who get their hands raised at the end of this very good match.

This was one of those rare matches where there really aren’t any bad outcomes. All three of these teams are fantastic in their individual ways, and the British Invasion especially have come into their own as the heel team that the division has badly needed since Beer Money turned face. Together, these three teams gave us something fun, if not truly great, and any combination of the three is welcome to mix it up anytime as far as I’m concerned.

74 out of 100.

Vice: I’m still astonished by how quickly Brutus Magnus went from laughable Gladiator who transformed into generic indy wrestler to a legitimately great talent with a ton of character, presence, and skills. I really am curious though, if you were to punch him while he does his head waggle taunt.. will a star pop out over his head, or would it possibly be a one hit knockout? Who knows. I should pay Jeff King to punch him. And then bear hug him.

This was a fairly typical TNA multi-man match. There’s a lot of teamwork from a number of people, and they’re pretty enjoyable for the most part.

The most fascinating thing about this match was the complete disappearance of the Motor City Machine Guns at the end. Sabin goes for a plancha to the outside of the ring, but completely crashes and burns. Shelley, moments later, gets drilled with a disgusting German suplex and rolls to the outside of the ring. That’s the last time they are seen or even mentioned, aside from the replays at the end of the match. No camera shots of them dead on the floor, no commentary like “hey, where are the Guns???”. They were gone. The cameras should have at least gotten some shots of them laying on the ground after the match was over, or showed them getting back to their feet or walking to the back or something. I think it was Lance Storm that said it, or maybe he was quoting some other wrestler, but someone said that in wrestling matches, if you are out of sight, you are out of mind, and that people will completely forget about someone if they aren’t shown or mentioned. This was so very true. I think it was Zyphlin that said “….what happened to the Guns?”, and then it hit me that I completely forgot they were ever in the match.

We must find them!

The British Invasion Over Everyone Else Following A Bloody Hart Attack.
Segment 6 – Kevin Nash Hulks Up. Also, The Best Promo Of The Year.

Cewsh: Jeremy Borash is backstage asking Kevin Nash why he laid out James Storm and took Eric Young’s title belt the way that he did. After absolutely pwning Borash with the best your mom joke i’ve heard so far today, Nash runs through a diatribe about how he did it for Hulk Hogan, and Hulk will know what is up, and that he, Nash, will tell everyone, but only if Hulk says it’s okay. He punctuates that with several more “Hulk!”s and a few “We did it!”s, leaving both Borash and I thoroughly confused.

HULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLK.

Hell, confused or not, I’ll damn sure be watching Impact this week. Because Kevin Nash is a golden god and the man can frankly do no wrong. Interview of the year.

Vice: HULK.

Kevin Nash is so awesome. That’s all that needs to be said.

Segment 7 – Six Sides of Steel Match – (In) Tara(bly Good Shape For Her Age) vs. (I Have An) Awesome (Dong) Kong.

Cewsh: The backstory behind this match is that, after a long, long time of taking orders from her, Kong finally got rid of Raisha Saide, and has been on a path of destruction ever since, just demolishing every woman who was unfortunate enough to find herself in Kong’s path. Except one. Tara stood up to Kong and was not afraid, and it drove Kong crazy, so now Kong wants to destroy her just to prove that she can, and Tara wants to withstand Kong’s onslaught to prove that she’s the dominant female in TNA. Additionally to that, this is apparently something of a dream match amongst the fans of women’s wrestling, so all around what you have here is a very important match for both the show and the Knockouts division as a whole.

The match starts off with no feeling out process whatsoever, as we get right down to the business of Kong kicking the ever loving shit out of the unsuspecting Tara. I told Vice going into this match, that I wished that we could get a return to the Killer Kong of a few years ago, and that is exactly what I received here as Kong bashed Tara’s brains in with ruthless efficiency. Some of the moves that Kong did to Tara were so vicious I actually had to rewind and laugh in disbelief. From splashing her full speed into the cage, to giant swinging her face first into the cage, to suplexing her into the steel and just dropping her nonchalantly right on her head, this match made Kong look like such a badass and Tara look like such a survivor that both women were bound to come out smelling like roses (and blood) regardless of which one got the win.

Someone did have to win, though, and it took a powerbomb, and a splash off the top of the cage for Tara to keep Kong down for even three seconds, , granting us one of the hotter and more unexpected finishes to a women’s match in recent memory. Then Tara wanders around like a misplaced cokewhore, but that’s irrelevant. The match here was utterly terrific, and deserves as much praise as can be heaped on it. It wasn’t perfect and it wasn’t a masterpiece, but I really wouldn’t change anything. This is what women’s wrestling ought to be. Hell, this is how wrestling ought to be. Here’s hoping they learn from it.


80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: When I first saw this match I thought it was pretty good. After thinking about it, it was pretty fucking awesome. And that’s not “pretty fucking awesome by women’s standards. Pretty fucking awesome in general. There was just a lot of good work from both women here. Some great psychology, some good brutality, and some awesome spots. Tara is still a really good worker, and Awesome Kong is AWESOME like her name states.

Seriously, Tara powerbombing the shit out of Kong was a spectacle of a spot. It just looked so great. Plus the cage dive to top things off was pretty amazing as well, even if it wasn’t the very top of the cage. You could really tell that both of them were putting in 110% in this match and it really paid off, giving us a very entertaining match.

The post-match stuff was a bit interesting. I liked the idea of Tara being interviewed right after the match due to the accomplishment of soundly defeating Kong inside of a cage, but Tara just sounded so awful on the mic. I’m not sure if she was knocked a bit loopy during the match, was genuinely emotional, or injected some heroine on the way from the cage to the ramp. It was just nonsense. I’m not sure if it’s awkward enough to laugh at, or if I should just raise an eyebrow and carry on with my day.

Possible Drug Addict.

Tara Over Awesome Kong Following A Splash Off The Cage.
Segment 8 – Team 3D(ollars Worth of Doughnuts) and (Current Jiffy Lube Employee) Rhino vs. D’Angelo (Deserves Lots Of) Dinero, Hernan(MAN)dez, and Matt (Boring Name) Morgan.

Cewsh: This is one of the best six man matches I’ve ever seen.

I know. Bear with me on this one.

Going into this match, the idea was that Rhino was floating conspiracy theories about TNA favoring the young guys over the veterans like himself and Team 3D. Team 3D resisted the idea for awhile, before slowly starting to buy into it, before they finally turned against the young uns altogether, leading to a little feud between those three and Morgan and Hernandez. For this match though, very unexpectedly D’Angelo Dinero showed up and declared himself the 3rd member of the young men’s team, much to the chagrin of his newfound partners. Now he has to prove himself to them, and Rhino has to prove that his team has worth in the new era of youth.

I know what you’re thinking. “Cewsh, you’re lavishing praise on a Rhino and Team 3D match? Have you lost your blubbercunting mind?” First of all, I appreciate you using our curse word. Second of all, yes I am complimenting a Rhino and Team 3D match, and I’ll tell you why. Its good. Its way too good for the people involved, but there it is. Morgan and Hernandez play their parts as the big bruisers that can’t be stopped except by trickery, Team 3d play their roles as the wiley veterans who aren’t afraid to cheat for the first time in ages, and Rhino plays the crazy madman pulling the strings in a way I didn’t think he was capable of. But the real star here is D’Angelo Dinero, who steals every glimmer of light in the room with his every movement in a way I haven’t seen since the Rock. He is in complete control of the crowd, the match, and himself and he’s a joy to watch perform.

I know you may still be reeling from the shock of much approval of this match, but don’t let the names in the header scare you off. This truly is a great match, and absolutely perfect for what it was. Frankly, I wish it had been longer. Now duck before those pigs collide with you in midair.


82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: While watching this, I thought about what I would do with Rhino to make him not fucking suck. Yes, I know that climbing Kilimanjaro would most likely be an easier task, but I think I’ve got the solution. Rhino needs to become a Major Modern General.


(Vice Has Weird Taste.)

The song kicks in around the 30 second mark. That should totally be his entrance music, and hell, maybe he should squash people while the song still plays. He can dress up like a doof and act really smart. I think he could do it. It’d be so amazingly bad that it could be great.

Other ideas tossed around were that SuperMex needs a cape because how can you be super if you don’t have a cape? So he should clearly raid Super Eric’s dressing room (yes he’s still around, lurking in the shadows… of his dressing room) and steal his cape. But the one he’d wear would be specially made, and much smaller. So it’d be like, well, a really small, cute cape on a hulking behemoth.

Team 3D needs to split up. D’von would team up with Dinero, not just because they are black, but because D’von once did that whole reverend nonsense in WWE and he could do it with Dinero as a team. And also because they are black, so it’s best to lump them into a group and call them something like the Nation of Domination. Bubba needs to feud with them. With D’von, he’s pissed off that his partner left. With Dinero, they will feud over who is the bigger pimp while Bubba eats cameras.

Anyway, this match is so incredibly lopsided when you look at the talent on each side. I mean seriously, on one side you have Hernandez, The Pope, and MATT MORGAN. On the other side, you have Team 3D. And Rhino. Team 3D can be good, but their good performances are very few and far between.

The match wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, and wasn’t nearly as good as it could have been. It was just kind of there for me. Far from offensive, but definitely a lower point of the show so far. But the Tara/Kong match is a tough match to follow.

Rhino’s Old Timers Over Dinero’s Pimpin’ Pimps Following A Gore.
Segment 9 – Big Poppa Pipe.

Cewsh: Scott Steiner is backstage with Lauren and he waxes poetic on his heroic attempt at establishing a brotherly connection with Bobby Lashley, refusing to let anything stand in the way of informing his newfound friend or the infidelity of his unfaithful wife. Of course, that unfaithfulness occurred with Steiner himself, according to Steiner, so it may not count, but all the same, Steiner goes on one of his famous tangents about how he’s broken Wilt Chamberlain’s sex record, and how Lashley can’t satisfy his wife, and compared the legitimacy of some types of muscle growth and others.

A very educational lecture from doctor Steiner. All conducted while holding a rather large pipe. Think that’s easy? Try it sometime, blubbercunt.

Good Pipe.

BAD PIPE!

Segment 10 – Street Fight – Bobby (Awesome Man) Lashley vs. Scott (Captain Awesome-O) Steiner.

Vice: Steiner has Kristal’s face on his crotch, which is just all kinds of awesome, even if Rick Rude did it like 20 years ago.

You’re Better Off Not Being Able To See It Clearly.

This match starts as Lashley is heading down to the ring. I would have loved it if he had held out his hand as Steiner was charging and yelled TIME OUT, leading Steiner to stop and stare. Then Lashley would jump up on the ring apron and do his taunt, then jump back down, go back to exactly where he was with Steiner and yell TIME IN. Buut, I guess that wouldn’t make a heck of a lot of sense in this case. But I’d love it if some ridiculous heel did it one time.

The best thing about this match were all the delayed hits. Lashley would hold a chair up, Steiner would look up with a deer in headlights expression, then WHACK. Also I enjoy how half the Impact Zone is just some random deserted, destructible playground of random weapons, toys and gadgets just laying around for when there’s a street fight.

I wasn’t feeling this match at all, and the Impact Zone was kinda blah about it as well. The ending was a bit sudden, but Lashley did take a nasty looking pipe to the head. Steiner, in his backstage promo, had an even thicker, heavier pipe, but he threw it on the ground. Then he wins this match with a pipe. Shouldn’t he have just taken his giant pipe to the ring at the very beginning of the match and just clocked Lashley as he was running down the ramp? But I guess some people would be pissed off about how the match was over before it even really began.

Totally surprised to see Steiner pick up the win here, but I like it. A lot. He comes out looking awesome and builds heat for a rematch. Heat that just wouldn’t really be there had Lashley won this match. Oh, and Bobby, you just got your skull shattered in twain by a pipe. Please sell it beyond just looking really angry, okay? Ta.

Cewsh: What is there to say about a match between two collegiate amateur wrestling stars who made it all the way up through the ranks of professional wrestling to meet for the first time in a match built around one’s desire to nail the other’s wife. Only in pro wrestling, man.

The match begins, ends, and exists in between with these two brawling all over the arena. Lashley isn’t a great, or even particularly good, brawler, so this doesn’t exactly play to his strengths, but Steiner leads him through and they have themselves a decent match. There are some notable botches, like Steiner almost faceplanting while doing a top rope Frankensteiner, and these two pretty clearly have next to no chemistry in the ring together, but it wasn’t too bad, and they kept it entertaining until Steiner’s surprising victory out of nowhere.

I’m kind of mixed on how the feud is going to continue. I love Lashley getting a chance to develop some personality, and I adore Scott Steiner more than words can express, but this whole storyline is extremely strange, even aside from the overtones of rape that are present at this point. Steiner wants to tell Lashley that he and Kristal have been having an affair, but gets it wrong because he’s, well, Scott Steiner. But if that’s true, and Steiner seems VERY sure, going so far as to say “Look what color your baby’s eyes are!” while being choked by Lashley, then Lashley is pretty much going to look like a clown, and his real life wife is going to, what, manage Scott Steiner? And if its NOT true, then Scott Steiner is not only insane, but he’s also chosen about the randomest thing imaginable to start a fight with some guy about, when usually just not being Scott Steiner seems to be enough reason.

Ah well, regardless of where it goes, I hope their matches from here on protect both men’s weaknesses better than this one did.

61 out of 100.

Scott Steiner Over Bobby Lashley Following A Foreign Object Shot.
Segment 11 – Kurt Angle Makes Ni…Desmond Wolfe His Prison Bitch.

Cewsh: Kurt cuts a promo backstage about how N…Desmond Wolfe is operating under prison yard rules, of going after the biggest, baddest guy in the yard, and taking him out to gain respect. Kurt doesn’t seem overly phased by this, and indeed, ends the interview by calling Nigel (fuck!) “Meat”.

I’ve never been an enormous Nigel McGuiness/Desmond Wolfe fan (though I did love his match against Naomichi Marufuji for the GHC Heavyweight Championship a few years ago), but if anything is going to sell me on the guy, its putting him up against Kurt Angle and being given the keys to the show. Fuck, I’m excited.

Segment 12 – Kurt (The Best Wrestler In The World) Angle vs. Desmond (Apparently Hungry Like The) Wolfe.

Cewsh: For those of us who don’t view this as some kind of dream match handed down by the gods, the backstory here is that Desmond Wolfe debuted in TNA by targeting and injuring Kurt Angle with his dangerous kill move, The Jawbreaker Lariat. Wolfe made a point to state that he had every intention of taking Angle out and replacing him atop the company, and that he had studied and followed Angle for years, so Angle couldn’t possibly win. Angle, naturally, didn’t take well to all of this, and they meet here for the first time in a true match to see who is the better man.

The match starts off as a feeling out process with Desmond in complete control. Desmond’s study of Angle, and Angle’s clear lack of any idea who the fuck this guy is make for smooth sailing for Desmond early on, as he reverses all of Angle’s signature offense, and goes right after the arm of Kurt Angle, to weaken his ability to defend himself. The start here is good, though clearly a slow burn to lead to the finish, but within 12 seconds of the bell ringing, chants like “This Is Awesome” and “This is Wrestling” start getting equal play amongst the crowd. You would think that this kind of insane jumping the gun would mean that the crowd was white hot for this match, but that wasn’t actually true until near the end. These fans were popping for the wrestlers involved, not the match.

Which is a shame, because as the match goes on, it becomes very clear that they have something very special going on here. Wolfe does a great job of grounding Kurt Angle, and forcing Angle to have to try different moves he wouldn’t normally use to get back in the match, throwing Angle completely off of his game. Finally, though, Kurt fights Desmond to a standstill with a barrage including 6 (!) German suplexs in a row, and they start trading finishers like they were Pokemon cards, with both men refusing to stay down no matter what they get with with or trapped in. Both men have a million counters for the other, so what we have is a total stalemate as the minutes tick by and both men start dropping bombs on one another, and taking every possible chance to lock the other into a match winning submission hold. Finally, after a million attempts to make good on the Ankle Lock, Kurt Angle locks in a completely unexpected submission hold, like a side triangle choke/armbar that really looked vicious, and Desmond couldn’t tap fast enough to get out of it.

I said this match was special earlier, and I meant it. Not in all of my time reviewing TNA shows have I seen another TNA match I would put on the level of this one. They found someone who could keep up with Angle, and truly wrestle the kind of match that Angle wanted to wrestle, and what you got were pure results that not only made me buy into Nigel McGuiness, but further reaffirmed my belief, that when he isn’t wrestling the nursing home crew, Kurt Angle can still be the best wrestler in the world.


87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Donwload Seal of Approval.

Vice: Okay, first off, motherfucking kudos to whoever made the video package for this match. It was very simple, but so amazingly effective. No ridiculous epic narration, no insane video effects with choirs chanting as slow motion bodies hit the floor. Just a great selection of music, slick editing, and it was kept short and sweet. For a video package for a match, I’d say it’s one of TNA’s best. And yes, Cewsh, I will go that far thank you very much.

OH MY GOD It’s Nigel “Desmond Wolfe” McGuinness up against Kurt “I fucked your mother with a broken freakin’ neck” Angle. It’s ridiculous to think that I’m seeing this match. In June, like Cewsh said, Chotliwala, Cewsh and I were chatting it up with Mr. Wolfe outside of an ROH show. Well, Chotliwala was chatting it up with him. Cewsh and I just kind of stood there awkwardly thinking “…that’s Nigel… right there… chatting with our creepy Indian friend…”. Now he is wrestling KURT ANGLE in the semi-main event. Brilliant.

I loved this match. I was deathly afraid that it was going to disappoint me, and boy did it exceed every expectation I could have possibly had. TNA gave this match a ton of time, and it paid off and made Wolfe look goddamn incredible. Also, on a side note, I have a tendency to mistype his name every time I attempt it. I always type it “Wofle”. Desmond Waffle? Yes. New TNA champ, please. Also, it was in this match that Chotliwala and I found out that Zyphlin likes to look at men’s asses. He noticed that Wolfe has scratch marks on his buttocks. ‘Cause he’s a waffle. Err.. wolf.

The story of this match was simple enough, with Wolfe, being more or less of an unknown in TNA-land and not in Angle’s radar, knowing everything there is to know about the Olympic gold medalist, without Angle knowing anything about him. So he knows exactly what Kurt is capable of, and thus can effectively predict what he will do, neutralize a lot of his offense, and can counter a ton of Angle’s signature moves.

The finish was tremendous. It’s a bit of a stalemate with both men beating the shit out of each other and neither man willing to say die, and Wolfe knowing how to escape the ankle lock. Angle realizes that Wolfe really does have him completely scouted, so he slaps on a side triangle choke for the finish, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen Angle use. It’s just awesome on so many levels. Angle had to dig deep and pull something new out of his bag of tricks, and it took that much for Angle to finish Wolfe. Triangle chokes are downright nasty moves, because if you get caught in one, especially at an angle like that, you are simply not getting out of it. Tap or pass out. Your choice. Wolfe taps out immediately, which is very smart in kayfabe land. You don’t want to be passed out around a pissed off Angle. For a number of reasons.

Wolfe looked spectacular here, as did Angle. Wolfe is going to have a hell of a future in TNA. He’s been great so far. Love it. Glad to see him doing well. Thank you TNA for giving this match a lot of time and making Wolfe look amazing.

Kurt Angle Over Desmond Wolfe Following An Armbar/Scissor Hold.

Segment 13 – There’s A Collect Call From 2005, Will You Accept The Charges?

Cewsh: Oh, who’s this on the phone? Why, its Samoa Joe, without any facepaint on, with a white towel around his shoulders, yelling about how he’s going to destroy people while making no references to any actual desire to maim or kill them.

Wait, what’s that you say? This is all happening right now, also? The old Joe is back?

It’s about fucking time. Now get out there and choke out everything with a pulse you glorious bastard.

Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – AJ (Best Wrestler In TNA Not Named Kurt Angle) Styles © vs. Christopher (Best Wrestler In TNA Not Named Kurt Angle…Too?) Daniels vs. Samoa (Err…A Three Way Tie For Second?) Joe.

Cewsh: The backstory to this match is basically the story of TNA itself. AJ has been the golden boy since the day the company opened, Daniels has been his best friend and the unheralded amazing veteran who never truly got his shot, and Samoa Joe was the bulldozer that made history by tangling with both of them and being entirely unstoppable. The last time these three mixed it up in the main event of a PPV, it was the best match in TNA history and one of the best matches in our era of wrestling history. This match has clearly been setup to herald the beginning of a new era for TNA, with the best match in their history being repeated to mark their future. These three have a truckload of hype to live up to. I couldn’t be more excited if there were free steak and blowjobs afterwards.

Vice: As if the previous match wasn’t great enough, here we have Styles vs. Joe vs. Daniels. Again. They’re billing it as the second encounter between the three, but it’s actually the fourth. Why cut back on the number of matches? It’s stupid. Sure I guess it seems more special if it’s ooooonly the second, but IV just seems so much better, especially considering that each person has won one of the matches. AJ snuck a win in the first match to win the title, Joe dominated the second one to retain the title, and Christopher Daniels snuck a win to capture the gold in the third. Actually, scratch that, II is just so much better. Ugh. Fuck it. No point in shitting on specifics when I’m getting to not only see another triple threat match with these guys, but now for the TNA World title and not just the X title.

It’s so good to see Joe back to his old persona for the most part. He’s grinning like a shithead without the facepaint. I have no complaints. Daniels still needs eyebrows and a first name. AJ is still greatness and it’s just great seeing THE belt around his waist. Another great touch were the STREAMERS being thrown. They’re seriously one of my favorite things about ROH. Not sure if they still do them, but they always add so much to the introduction. There weren’t a ton of them being thrown here, but it was enough to get me excited. Maybe they’ll catch on.

This match was just all kinds of greatness. The psychology and story was there from literally the very first punch thrown. The three are about to lock up like they did the other times, with all of them battling it out.. but Daniels hasn’t exactly had good luck in such scenarios. So what does he do? He just punches AJ right in the jaw and knocks him the fuck out. Joe has always been the big bully in these matches, so it makes sense for Daniels to take AJ out of the equation so he can tackle the big beast one on one. It’s also good because it stresses that AJ and Daniels are simply not on the same page here.

There were so many little things about this match that were great. So many references to previous matches were here. Whether it was AJ vs. Joe, AJ vs. Daniels, Daniels vs. Joe, AJ vs. Joe vs. Daniels, or whether it was TNA, ROH, IWA, or PWG. There were a billion nods and numerous repeated spots that were changed up in some way, Daniels and AJ going back to their tag team days to take down the biggest threat, all of that. Chotliwala, Zyphlin and I were wondering which move AJ would use to take out everybody on the floor, ‘cause we all knew he was going to do SOMETHING. I said I’d add one star to the match if he did the springboard shooting star, and two if he did the fosbury flop. Much to my liking, AJ finally whipped out the fosbury flop again, and I loved how he got so amazingly fired up right afterward. It’s been far too long, but it’s good that he doesn’t do it often. For one, it’s ridiculously dangerous, and two, it’s more special when he does it. Unfortunately I can’t really add up all the stars I said I’d give it while watching, ‘cause this match would probably end up being in the double digits. It definitely would have been double digits if Styles did the spiral tap.

Fuck man, this was just such a great match. I’m not sure where I’d rank this in regards to Unbreakable. I’d say that match and this are definitely #1 and #2, but not sure which is the best. Unbreakable, while many find it overrated, was so much fun. It didn’t have a ton of story, but it was so goddamn enjoyable to watch. I watched it about a week ago and still love the crap out of it. This didn’t have nearly the oh shit factor that Unbreakable did, but that’s to be expected since that was the first one. However, this one had so many awesome references, some new spots, twists on old classics, and a surprising amount of story and psychology. Shit. I’ll have to give this match a few more watches over the next few months and maybe one day I’ll be able to reach a conclusion.

I absolutely loved the finish to this match, too. It was done so smoothly, and it really pissed Daniels off. Give me a full blown AJ vs. Daniels feud for the world title, please. Iron Man III? Daniels as world champ? PLEASE? AJ, Joe and Daniels can just feud over the title for years. I don’t care. They all have great chemistry and put on spectacular matches.

What a match. What a show.

Cewsh: Vice said every word of it of the truth.

When you close your eyes and imagine the perfect TNA match, you picture high flying, crazy innovative moves and spots, and the kind of hectic, controlled chaos that TNA does better than anyone in wrestling history when they get it right. But the thing is, that if you closed your eyes and imagined that match, you wouldn’t be doing this match justice.

This match had everything, from the insane reckless flying of Styles, to the sneaky technical prowess of Daniels, to the unchecked aggression of Joe, these three elements mix together like chocolate and peanut butter to create something so much greater than the sum of its parts. These guys could go 5 years without doing this or 50, and I have no doubt that they’d deliver this kind of incredible result time after time.

Now, the big question is, was it as good as the last one, the one some guy named Meltzer gave 5 stars to several years ago? That’s a complicated question to answer. 5 years ago, these moves were more original, these wrestlers are fresher and more surprising, and the world was a different place. But if you’re asking me, personally? This is the better match. All three of these men have matured into better wrestlers since then, and even the most hectic stages of this match were tempered with a wisdom, and a knowledge of where things fit into the match that the previous one simply didn’t have.

So was this match as good as the old one? It was better. It was the best match in TNA history. And it’s not close.

94 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

AJ Styles Over Everybody Following A Springboard 450 Onto Samoa Joe.

————————-
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I don’t know where this show came from. By all accounts, despite Dixie Carter’s assurances, not THAT much has changed. It’s still the same players on the same stage acting out the same plots. But somehow this show towers so high above any efforts that TNA has ever managed before in their 8 year history, that it’s like somebody just turned the lightbulb on over their heads and suddenly out comes this astonishing product.

I mean, do you know how much it takes to make Vice mark out as hard as he did for this show? Neither do I, BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENS.

TNA has something here. They have their foot in the door of a product so innovative, so fun, and so exciting, that it wouldn’t be able to help being competition for the WWE or anybody else, for that matter. Even my trademark cynicism towards the company is being put to the side for a moment, because if they could deliver this show even once, that means they could do it again. And a TNA with shows like this happening regularly, is such a wild, unbelievable dream that I can’t even wrap my head around it yet. But if they give me the chance, I’d love to take the time to try.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 75.25 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, this was just a fantastic show. Like I said, I’m sure I’m being a bit biased because of the company I had over and actually watching it live on a TV, but still. The highs were pretty amazingly high and the lows weren’t very low at all. Just a very enjoyable experience, and not only hands down the best TNA PPV of the year, but quite possibly one of the best TNA PPVs ever. It’s incredible how different the whole feel of the company has changed from this show compared to Bound for Glory which was last month. If TNA can keep this up, it will be the best thing that has ever happened to them.

Thank you for this show, TNA.

And to all the people out there that are fans of my awards, I’d like to apologize for my main computer with all my stuff on it being blown up. Hardware failure is a bitch. It is also quite expensive. But hey, if you’re rolling around in money and are thinking about wasting it on something silly like charity, why not buy Vice a new hard drive, a stick of RAM, and possibly a new video card, and give Vice his entire life back?

Vice’s Final Score: 88 out of 100.

Alright boys and girls, that’ll do it for us this week. We hope you enjoyed our startling trip through the greatest show in TNA history, and we look forward to finding out how WWE handles being the underdog in a month for a change, as we march ahead to next week’s WWE Survivor Series 2009. They’ve got awfully big shows to fill, especially on a show seemingly cobbled out of multiman matches like some kind of Cewsh-hating Voltron. Still though, we can’t wait to dust that bad boy off and march right on through to the holidays. Until then, as always, keep reading and be good to one another.

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