World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…
Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review that always remembers to sweep the leg, Cewsh Reviews.
(We Never Fall For This Bullshit Either.)
Tonight we’ve got a big mamajama for you as WWE runs into one of its four biggest shows of the year, Survivor Series. This is one of the oldest still running wrestling shows in the world, and for good reason, as the somewhat misleadingly nicknamed “Thanksgiving Spectacular” has been bringing us thrills, chills, and unforgettable moments since most of us were children. Will WWE be able to deliver another memorable show tonight with the specter of TNA’s greatest show in history looming on the boundaries of perception? Or will a ho hum show here actually make TNA the promotion of the month for the first time in…ever? Yep, pretty much ever. The pressure is on (even though they probably don’t think so), and there are questions to be answered. Can DX stay on the same page to bring down John Cena? Can Jerishow stay on the same page to bring down the Undertaker? Can we stay on the same page to bring down a 6 foot sandwich? Only time will tell.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!
Cewsh: For a show that mostly contains matches without a great deal of build behind them, the opening video to this show sure makes this SEEM like a big deal PPV, as epic crashing music frames many of the biggest stars in WWE getting all mad at each other and whatnot. They cover all of the matches, running down the full card, with a special emphasis on the triple threat between DX and John Cena. Well I SAY DX and John Cena. It’s actually just pretty much focused on John Cena. John Cena, John Cena, John Cena.
Segment 2 – Elimination Tag Team Match – Team Thrown Together (John Morisson, Evan Bourne, Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Shleton Benjamin) vs. Team Future Of Awesomeness (The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, and Sheamus).
Cewsh: Play by play is rough on matches like this, but I’m going to try to keep up with the big moves, and the eliminations.
We start off with Jack Swagger and Evan Bourne representing their respective teams, which is a great choice because these guys have great chemistry together. They go back and forth for a bit before Swagger and Ziggler both start beating the ever loving shit out of Bourne, resulting in a very sad Evan, and a touching moment where Dolph goes to leave the ring, accidentally touches Sheamus with his foot, puts his hand on Sheamus’ shoulder and clearly says “I’m sorry, man.” Which, coming from such dastardly heels, is something like the Joker pausing in his fight with Batman to drive some old clothes to Goodwill. But I digress. Bourne tries to fight back, apparently forgetting that’s he’s the babyface in peril at the moment, and he manages to tag in Matt Hardy, who immediately tags Bourne BACK in so that he can hit Air Bourne on Ziggler and eliminate him from the match.
Dolph Ziggler Has Been Eliminated By Evan Bourne.
Evan celebrates for about 5 seconds before Drew McIntyre comes in, grabs him, and delivers his fucking DEVASTATING DDT. That move is so, so brutal looking, and Bourne is done for the night.
Evan Bourne Has Been Eliminated By Drew McIntyre.
Next in is Finlay who has more than a little bit of a grudge against McIntyre, who has been abusing him on Smackdown lately. McIntyre quickly tags in Sheamus, and he and Finlay have a staredown. Until Finlay looks away for a split second and got a boot planted into his cornea as a result. Sheamus hits a fucking vicious boot usually, and this was no different. Fucking OW.
Finlay Has Been Eliminated By Sheamus.
In comes Matt Hardy to defend Finlay’s honor, and promptly starts getting his ass kicked as well. In case you haven’t been keeping track, Team Miz is beating the unholy fuckjesus out of Team Morisson, and it isn’t close. In comes Miz for the first time to lead his team, and the purple that both he and Hardy are wearing combine to form a lovely palate of Vice like wonder. Sheamus and Swagger have a fun time throwing Matt Tubsy around the ring for awhile, until Morisson gets the hot tag and lays into everybody, flying all over the ring, messing everyone the fuck up, until both teams come out fighting and Shelton runs so fast, the wind from his passage knocks out the ref. However, this doesn’t stop Morisson from nailing Starship Pain, and for some dude to run in and count the three.
Jack Swagger Has Been Eliminated By John Morisson.
Shelton comes in and, as per his usual, does some match stealing moves including leaping from about halfway across the ring directly to the top rope, and jumping back to nail the Miz in the face. As usual for Benjamin, his athleticism is amazing, and he’s fun as fuck to watch, and then a second later I forget that he’s even in the match. Unfortunately, Shleton kind of forgets he’s in the match too, as he gets gobsmacked by the heels and falls backwards into a resounding Skullcrushing Finale.
Shelton Benjamin Has Been Eliminated By The Miz.
Now it’s down to two on the good guy team, and Matt Tubsy is in pretty bad shape as McIntyre starts laying into him. Tubsy fights back, though, hitting McIntyre with everything he’s got, before a distraction from Sheamus gets him the nasty, NASTY DDT treatment just like Bourne. Bye bye Tubsy. I’ll miss you.
Matt Hardy Has Been Eliminated By Drew McIntyre.
Now all by his lonesome, John Morisson goes on the attack to try to take out the other team all at once, and without a doubt, he’s does a great job. He flies all over the ring, uses their momentum against them, and fights like a plucky young man ought to fight, not giving up, and never surrendering, but no matter how hard he fights, the numbers advantage keeps the bad guys just one step ahead at all times. Finally, though, Sheamus riles him up just a bit too far, and Morisson goes apeshit knocking out everyone and going for the springboard kick to the face that he does so well. However, Sheamus isn’t fooled in the slightest and hit him with the Bicycle Kick right in the knee, spinning him in midair to land in a heap. Then Sheamus grabs him, hoists him up into the Razor’s fucking Edge and BOOM. Lights out for Team Morisson.
John Morisson Has Been Eliminated By Sheamus.
Standing over the broken body of John Morisson the team of the future stands tall and victorious. And pale. Very, very pale.
I have absolutely nothing but positive things to say about this match, and it has to be said to represent a distinct changing of the guard in WWE. Guys like Finlay, Benjamin and Hardy were dismantled by these heels, and especially by McIntyre, Miz, and Sheamus, all three of whom came out of this looking like sureshot guaranteed future main eventers. They highlighted the right guys, they had a hell of an exciting, stirring matchup, and they delivered in every way that could have been asked of them. Damn great match, and damn great opener to this show.
82 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: …what Cewsh said. Good match. Exciting up and comers. Intéressante.
80 out of 100.
Vice: I had no idea that Survivor Series was going to be in Washington DC, otherwise I might have gone. You know, considering that I live 10 minutes away from the Verizon Center. And I was there a week or two ago for a Caps game. Yes, Vice went hockeying with his binary buddy. It wasn’t until Zyphlin, of last review’s fame, mentioned that he was going to Survivor Series, that I was like “crapola! I could be there!”. Though really, I probably would not have gone anyway. Unless the seats were like $5. Even then I’d really have to think about it.
My sleeping has been atrocious as of late. I feel like part of me is in Virginia and another part of me is in Russia. It’s a very awkward feeling to tell you the truth. I only mention this because my review might be a little bit wacky since I am practically hallucinating constantly. It’s good that Ms. Cewsh is helping out with this review, because she will not only bring sanity to the table, but it also means that I can be a lazy fuck and [strike]completely mail this in[/strike] not stress myself as much as I potentially could, seeing as now I only have to provide 1/3 of a review instead of half. Though really, I generally only provide 1/3 as it is. So now I’m doing even less. Awesome.
Anyway, this match was a fairly good opener, but nothing above or beyond that. There are only two things I should point out here. Both are related to Sheamus, though one is kinda indirectly. Sheamus ran into the ring and accidentally knocked the shit out of the back of the ref’s head, which apparently gave him a concussion in real life. What was funny about this was that it was completely unplanned, and as such, the ref actually threw up the dreaded X for himself, prompting another ref to come in and restore order. Why don’t other refs do this? Like when they’re not totally dead, but just kind of there. Why don’t other refs come down anyway when they see that their ref buddy is knocked the fuck out? Do they just not care? Should they not try to maintain some sort of order in the ring? I mean, if a ref goes down and a sports entertainer breaks the skull of another sports entertainer, the blood should be on another ref’s hands for not saving the day. This has given me another idea, actually. HOLOGRAM REFEREES.
The next thing to discuss is Sheamus using the Razor’s Edge as a finisher. For years and years and years, not a damn person used the Razor’s Edge as a finisher. Sure there have been some variations of it here and there (ie: they sucked), but no one truly did the big daddy finisher. Then I wrote about how such a thing was a travesty in one of my reviews, and bitched and bitched. And now someone uses it. I think someone from WWE reads our reviews. Yeaaaah booooiiii. So, hologram refs?
Team Miz Over Team Morisson.
Segment 3 – Racial Diversity Handled In A Tolerant Way.
Cewsh: No, seriously. The same company that portrayed Chavo Guererro as a white guy who golfed, delivered here a segment about four black guys and one white guy that touched on the issue, made some jokes with it, and in the end really made it seem like these guys are all really good friends and legitimately like each other. This segment isn’t a big deal unto itself, but it’s really rare in that it portrays the wrestlers as people who actually like each other for once, and as such is kind of a feel good moment. This is the kind of moment that I hope WWE can expound on in the future, because it really gives me hopes for the message they’re putting out there in a PG environment.
Also, Christian raps. Fuck YEAH. If only Tomko were there to give him a beat.
Segment 4 – Batist(icles)a vs. Rey (Wuss) Mysterio.
Cewsh: The backstory behind this match is that, unless you’ve been under a rock where there are no tv’s (so pretty much most rocks then), Rey Mysterio and Batista were best friends that came together after their mutual best friend Eddie Guerrero died.
(It Was Pretty Much Like This All The Time.)
However at Bragging Rights, in a fatal four way for the World Championship that both men were involved in, Rey stopped Batista from winning, and, well, Batista didn’t take it well. As a result, their friendship is pretty much shattered, and Rey has been looking like a battered wife all month, begging Batista to come back to him despite the fact that Bats beat the fucking muppets out of him. So now they’re meeting here in a match that many thought would never happen, and Rey is hoping to knock some sense into his former friend.
As the match starts, it becomes pretty damn clear that, for some reason, they want us to believe that Rey is way angrier than Batista, and Rey proceeds to spend the first half of this match more or less kicking the shit out of his former best friend. That’s not a typo. I did type “Rey” instead of “Other Guy”. Eventually things get more evened out, though, until Rey gets Batista in position for the 619 and Vice starts yelling “Noooooo!” so loudly that George Lucas is suing him for copyright infringement. Bats catches Rey in midair, though, and powers him down with a spinebuster. Then he hits the Batista Bomb. Then another Batista Bomb. The ref decides that Rey is done and awards Batista the match. Then Bats pulls up a chair for storytime. Then he spinebuster’s Rey on the chair as Rey begs him not to.
Now the important thing to remember is that Rey Mysterio is a beloved babyface and a sympathetic figure. When his best friend turns on him, you’d expect some boos, right? Well if that’s what WWE expected, they probably should have hosted this somewhere other than Washington D.C. (Batista’s hometown) because the pops Bats got he gets upon his every move in this match were absurd, and every time he hurt Mysterio, the fans would chant “One more time”. So yeah, essentially turning Batista against Mysterio has made Batista the biggest face in wrestling since Steve Austin. At least in D.C. on this night.
The match itself can hardly be called a match. It went too long for what it was, and frankly there’s no reason Batista should have been getting his ass handed to him by Rey Mysterio at this point. That’s a moot point though, and so is the match, because the real story is the absolute trashing Batista gave Mysterio after the match. That was an awesome work of art, and Batista murders people like nobody else in wrestling right now. So there you go. Bad match, great finish.
70 out of 100.
Vice: I don’t know who’s fucking brilliant idea it was to have Batista turn mega heel (and by that I mean AWESOME), and then book him to murder the midget in front of his home town. Did you really think he was going to get booed? Really?
This match was great in that Rey Mysterio got annihilated by a mammoth. Fuck do I hate Mysterio these days. The 619, and all its setups and variations, is seriously my least favorite move in all of wrestling these days. It’s just so goddamn awful. I don’t care if you hate me for saying that, but I stand by my words. It is shit. This match showed how shit it is. I’d be happy never seeing it again. It also doesn’t help that tons of other random shitheads are now doing the 619 because it’s an easy move to steal. Grumble grumble.
Rey died. Hopefully he gets another wellness policy violation and gets fired, the dumb sausage.
Ms.Cewsh: Do I even need to be here? Have I waxed poetic enough on how much I hate Batista and how much I DESPISE fans cheering heels and booing faces? You can fill your own angry rant in, right?
Despite it all, this isn’t the worst thing in history. It isn’t even the worst match of the night. I agree that it went on too long, that Rey shouldn’t have gotten as much offense, and that Bats looked like a killer.
I disagree that the beating after the bell was the most brutal thing in history. I thought after the kajillion Batista Bombs, it was almost tame.
It was just pretty…eh for me.
41 out of 100
Batista Over Rey Mysterio Following Rey Being A Wuss.
Segment 5 – Bad Guys Are Mean To Each Other.
Cewsh: Backstage in Randy Orton’s locker room, things are much more tense and much less rappy, as everybody seems to be down on Orton for getting his ass kicked by Kingston on Raw. As a result of this everybody is at each other’s throats and the atmosphere is decidedly not inspirational.
See kids? If you’re mean, even your friends will be assholes. Worth thinking about next time you have a choice between helping an old lady across the street and doing a kickflip off of her for maximum points. Just saying.
Segment 6 – Elimination Tag Team Match – Team Nation of Domination (Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP, R-Truth and Christian) vs. Team Too Good For This (Randy Orton, Ted Dibiase, Cody Rhodes, CM Punk and William Regal).
Cewsh: Everybody in this match hates everybody else, but especially flagrant is the distaste between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston. That’s pretty much all you need to know going into this. No really, that’s about as much build as this match has. I GUESS if you want to get technical, Truth and Punk, Legacy and MarkVP, and Christian and Regal have been feuding in addition to Kofi and Orton, so this match makes perfect sense, but c’mon! What’s to make fun of in that?
We start off the match with Mark Henry and Randy Orton in the ring. Kofi wants a piece of Randy but Mark says it’s cool, he’s got this. Mark then throws Randy around for awhile while Randy makes wacky facial expressions. This only last a very short time, though, before Legacy takes Henry’s attention away from Orton and that is a huge, huge mistake. RKO. Boo diggity.
Mark Henry has Been Eliminated By Randy Orton.
In comes MVP, Henry’s tag team partner, and Orton is quick to get out of the ring, tagging in his fellow Legacy member Cody Rhodes, who quickly tags in William Regal, who quickly tags in CM Punk, who quickly tags in the Kool Aid man, who says “Oh Yeah!” but is otherwise unhelpful. R-Truth jumps into the ring to get him some Punk (jealous), but that too is a mistake, because in no time he decides to take a nap on Punk’s knee and we’re down two guys already!
R-Truth Has Been Eliminated By CM Punk.
Alright, we’re hardly 5 minutes into the match and the bad guys are entirely unscathed, and the good guys have worse and worse odds with every moment. Now it’s Christian’s turn, and he fares much better as he withstands the best shots of Dibiase and Punk, before leaping off of the second turnbuckle, rolling up Dibiase, and putting good guys on the scoreboard.
Ted Dibiase Has Been Eliminated By Christian.
Kofi, fired up by his team actually doing something right, comes in fired the fuck up and starts unloading on William Regal and everyone else in sight. Like the patient veteran that he is, though, Regal grounds Kofi and puts him through the ringer with submission maneuvers. In a heads up move, though, MVP tags himself in as Kofi is flung into the ropes, and after throwing Kofi out of the ring, Regal turns around directly into a face full of Yakuza Kick from MVP. 1…2…3, and we’re all tied up at 3 apiece.
William Regal Has Been Eliminated By MVP.
Cody Rhodes leaps into the match by hitting a crossbody from the top rope, and it’s on as Rhodes and MVP, and then Rhodes and Christian trade bombs in the middle of the ring. Rhodes tags in Orton, who methodically beats Christian’s spiky head into the mat, then Rhodes comes in, then MVP comes in, then this review started to get repetitive, and Cewsh got a sandwich. Cewsh was drawn back into the room by Ms. Cewsh crying out in ecstasy as MVP executed her favorite maneuver in the whole entire world, BALLIN’ Not that the move helped him much as he stood up from it, only for Rhodes to pop up as destroy him with the Crossrhodes. Man, Legacy really is more like Orton every day.
MVP Has Been Eliminated By Cody Rhodes.
Cody then has to withstand the onslaught of Kofi and Christian double teaming him. He, err, doesn’t.
Cody Rhodes Has Been Eliminated By Christian.
Now we’re down to two on two. The biggest two on each side, with Punk and Orton for the bad guys and Kingston and Christian for the good ‘uns. The tension is thick as Christian and Orton stare each other down. They get into it, and what follows is a great little mini match between the two as Orton tries his usual business, but Christian stays one step ahead of him at every turn, until finally Orton, in desperation, goes for the RKO, only for Christian to counter it into the fucking Killswitch. BANG. 1…2…Punk breaks up the pinfall, saving the ass of Mr. Randy Orton. Christian disposes of Punk and charges Orton in the corner, but the Viper had all the time he needed to recover, dodge Christian and wipe him out with an RKO. 1…2…3. Have a nice night, Mr. Christian.
Christian Has Been Eliminated By Randy Orton.
In comes Kofi now, realizing that he has to beat both men to win out and that this will be no easy task. As the crowd swells in support of Kofi, he goads Orton to come on and attack him, but Orton being Orton, he tags in Punk and drops to the relative safety of the floor. Kofi tries to convince Punk to tag Orton back in, and they talk for a minute, clearly a tad bit hesitant to fight, since they have history as friends. Finally, though, Punk chooses glory over friendship and attacks and Kofi and Punk go nuts. This is important, because in my opinion the single biggest factor separating good matches from great matches is chemistry. How well do your styles mesh, how well can you work seamlessly together? That sort of thing. And these guys have it in truckloads.
Kofi and Punk exchange almost finishers a few times and settle into what would any other time be a fantastic singles match, all with Orton watching closely on the outside. They throw everything but the kitchen sink at each other in 5 of the most exciting minutes of wrestling that have happened this year, until Kofi summons up an inner reserve and reverses a roll up into a roll up of his own, finally putting CM Punk away.
CM Punk Has Been Eliminated By Kofi Kingston.
You’ve known where this was going from the second the match started didn’t you? Kofi win pin Punk, and then Orton will slip in and hit the RKO like he always does, putting Kofi away and then escaping like the prick that he is, right? Well unfortunately for Randy Orton, Kofi knew that too. As Orton comes rushing in to take advantage of Kofi’s distraction, Kofi, without missing a beat, spins around into the Trouble In Paradise, connecting with Orton’s lovely visage and putting HIM down for the count, picking up the hugely unexpected win for the good guys.
Randy Orton Has Been Eliminated By Kofi Kingston.
Kofi dances around the ring in triumph as Michael Cole hyperventilates so bad that I picked up my phone to call 911, before I realized that I was watching a recording. Kofi is the sole survivor and he’s not going to give up. He’s a survivor who will keep on survivin’
Now I’m sure Ms. Cewsh will go into detail about how odd it seems to have Kofi punk out Orton so blatantly here, which kind of made him look like a bitch, so I’ll leave that to her. Instead I’ll comment on how this match was completely mediocre and kind of dull until it came down to the final four, at which point, this match was damn near magical. Everyone had great chemistry together, everyone looked great (except Orton at the end), and the crowd was going absolutely bonkers for Kofi by the end of the match. A star is born here tonight. Assuming the star will continue to shine this bright.
79 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: We have a match that’s pretty much everything wrong with Survivor Series. All the good midcarders were used in the first match, so we get a rather random assortment for this one. There aren’t twenty mid to upper midcard guys who are good enough to be in a SS match! The result is the heel team is WAY stacked against the babyface team and we’re just supposed to ignore it. People tag in and out and in and out and in and out and… People are eliminated. It’s hard to tell when they’re eliminated and when they just hop back out. BECAUSE 10 MAN MATCHES ARE CONFUSING!
But the worst offense, (besides Ballin’, which offends my senses,) is the fact that Kofi and Punk have a great singles match after everyone but they and Orton are eliminated. Kofi and Punk should be feuding. Punk’s a little above Kofi, as a former champion, so beating him would give Kofi a rub, but they’re close enough that it’s not weird that they’re paired together. Even Legacy would work. Orton is too good and too high above Kofi for him to be worth Orton’s notice. Why not feed Legacy to Kofi for awhile THEN see if he’s ready to go against Randy?!?
Anyway, Kofi and Punk have a breathtaking match, trading the upper hand, making everyone look hot. The crowd adores it. Kofi hits Punk with the SOS, and eliminates Punk! Yes! As he staggers to his feet, he turns straight into an RKO! Oh no! Orton, fresh from his 15 minute rest, easily gets the pin, but Kofi looks great with a ton of heart, Punk stays hot from putting up a fight, and Randy establishes that he’s the main eventer in the ring. Then there are balloons. And a pony. And cupcake-milkshakes.
Oh wait no. Kofi kicks Randy in the face and easily pins him, regardless of the fact that Orton is fresh and Kofi just fought for his life. Wait, didn’t Randy just push John Cena to his limits in a 60 minute Iron-Man match LAST MONTH?! So Kofi’s better than John Cena? And since Orton just barely lost the belt in that match, does that mean Kofi’s better than the WWE champion and, by proxy, the WWE championship? Well then fuck! Let’s just give Kofi the belt now! He’s clearly ready for it!
Fuck this match. It’s my anniversary, so let’s go back a year.
-5 sleeping kittens out of 5
Vice: This was a very fun match. Lots of good work, lots of storyline stuff.. complete package, really. I enjoyed it. I really liked how the end played out, with Punk and Kofi practically having an entire match together. The end-end was ridiculous, too. I don’t know how exactly I feel about it, but the crowd went NUTS. The good nuts, too. The “we find you credible enough to do what you just did” nuts. Seriously. Nuts. The reaction reminds me a lot of the finals of the EVO 2004 tournament, for all of you video game Street Fightin’ nerdboys out there like me.
(Nerds Of The World UNITE!)
What a finish. What a pop. Even if you don’t like Street Fighter, you really should see that video for the best finish in the history of competitive video gaming and one of the craziest crowd reactions I’ve ever heard from such a group of people. And yeah, I was also looking for an excuse to post that video. ‘Cause everyone should see it.
Team Kofi Over Team Orton.
Segment 7 – World Heavyweight Championship – The Under(wear)taker © vs. Chris (Rad Dude With A Tude) Jericho vs. The Big (All Over) Show.
Cewsh: Here we have the first of the two “tag team against the champion in a triple threat” matches of the night, and, while I have the utmost faith in all three men, this match does kind of stink of “Why?” Why did it need to happen? Why aren’t Jerishow splitting up to have this match? Why can’t the Undertaker have a singles match? Just, you know, why?
Anyway, all three guys get into the ring and the match begins, and Jerishow immediately make a bee line for the Undertaker, beating him all over the arena and essentially taking him out of the match for the time being. As they roll him back into the ring to continue the beating a fan yells at Jericho “Go back to Toronto!” to which he, without missing a beat, replies “I’m from Winnipeg, you idiot.” He then goes back to beating up Taker. What a man. Unfortunately, though, he’s not enough of a man to stop the Undertaker from fighting back into this match as Taker divides and conquers, knocking ten kinds of hell into both Show and Jericho.
As the match continues, things start to deteriorate for Jerishow as they start to target each other, starting a wave of finishing moves by all three men that continues unabated for several minutes until finally The Undertaker locks in the Hells Gate on the Big Show, who has absolutely no choice but to tap right the hell out.
I didn’t enjoy this match much at all. There wasn’t anything specifically wrong with it or anything, but it just felt sort of lost on this card, and with the participants it’s not unfair of me to have expected a little more from them. This is a great example of triple threat matches working poorly, not highlighting anyone, and sucking the drama out of the match by being predictable, cluttered, and unnecessary.
68 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: Boring. Show was boring. Jericho was boring. Taker was boring. Triple Threats are boring. Hellsgate is boring.
50 out of 100
Vice: I really have absolutely no idea how it came about (Cewsh Note: I misspelled the word “Spooky” and said “Spocky” instead as I am full of fail and lose), but while watching this match, I randomly stated that Undertaker should have a Mr. Spock gimmick sometime down the road. Then I got to thinking that there should be a Star Trek-esque stable that spoofs it, while providing a fun little stable of people.
Obviously calling someone Mr. Spock would get somebody sued, so we’d have to go with Mr. Spork. Sporks are a dying utensil, so this would be a good way of bringing them back into mainstream. Plus it’s a funny word. Spork. I think Undertaker could actually still play this role, because Vulcans suppress their emotions and stuff, and Undertaker is dead and stuff so he doesn’t have emotions or whatever. I dunno. Mr. Spork.
Every ship needs a captain, and like Spock, Captain Kirk wouldn’t be happy if he suddenly became a wrestler. Cewsh and I couldn’t quite reach an agreement on the name, but we came up with three. The captains could be triplets, but I don’t believe there have been any triplet wrestlers. So why not give them multiple personality disorder? Captains Merk, Jerk and Smirk, depending on the time of day. You can pretty much guess what they do. I could kind of see Triple H in this role. He’d be a good person to team up with the Undersporker.
Renaurd “Banana Phones” McSoy would be the medic of the group. And remember, he’s a telephone, not a sports entertainer. He is also a vegetarian. And very healthy. He can give public service announcements at the end of each show, becoming a hero to the little kids. John Cena, perhaps?
Hulu with his devastating Hulu-hoop finisher will be the man. Since this group needs some young blood, and there’s only like one Asian guy on the roster, clearly Yoshi Tatsu would be great in this role.
Things wouldn’t be nearly as cool if it didn’t have some sort of wacky character make his triumphant return to WWE. Scotty 2 Hottie would get beamed back to WWE under the name “Hotty” to STEAM YOU UP.
Since every stable needs a big Russian fellow, why not get Kozlov to join up and be Jackov. WWE can play it straight while PG, and then when they go back to TV-14 they can unleash the dick/masturbation jokes like nobody’s business.
Alicia Fox could play Uwhora. While you might be quick to think “whore” or “you whore”, she will be anything but a whore. Think of her as a Jessie Spano, but hotter and blacker. And even more uptight and focused on her career.
Undertaker, Triple H, Cena, Yoshi, Scotty 2 Hottie, Kozlov and Alicia Fox. How is that not the best stable ever?
The match was pretty good, by the way.
The Undertaker Over Everyone Else Following A Hell’s Gate On The Big Show.
Segment 8 – The Hamburglar, A Ghost, and the Highlander Are Touching Josh Matthews.
(Alternate Title: I’ve Gotta Stop Drinking.)
Cewsh: Backstage, The Miz, Drew McIntyre, and Sheamus are very fired up indeed about the fact that they won their match earlier in the night. That’s pretty much all they have to say, because of the three of them only the Miz has any idea what he’s doing on the mic, and Sheamus is so far away from good at it that he may actually be able to see the Rock from here on the other side. The Miz delivers the quality though, and regardless of their current speaking skills, these guys are so clearly the future that it fucking stinks gold and leather in this segment.
Err, because of future title belts. Not because of, you know, Golddust.
Segment 9 – Elimination Tag Team Match – Team Mean Girls (Michelle McCool, Alicia Fox, Layla, Beth Phoenix, and Jillian Hall) vs. Team Sparkly (Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Eve, Melina, and Gail Kim).
Cewsh: I’m fully willing to admit at this point in time that I have been unfair to women’s wrestling in general in the past. I’ve dogged it, dismissed it, reveled in its failures, and failed to acknowledge it’s successes properly. So from this point on, I will let women’s wrestling sink or swim on it’s own merits, and cover it just like anything else. But if anyone asks, I still like to see them in skimpy outfits. Don’t tell Ms. Cewsh.
Alrighty, this match, essentially between the Women’s and Diva’s champions and their entourages, centers mostly around the ongoing feud between Michelle McCool and Mickie James, who are feuding on Smackdown around the fact that Michelle doesn’t want Mickie around so she’s making her feel miserable by calling her fat, destroying her clothes, and other things you might see in any movie where women are left alone in a room together for 5 consecutive minutes. That’s really the only storyline here, but these are all the usual suspects from the division, so they all have history with one another.
We start the match off with Kelly Kelly and Layla. Now Kelly has shown remarkable progress in the ring since she debuted as a woman who did not know how to remove her own bra, and she has become a serious contender in women’s wrestling, while Layla is just sort of…there. They exchange holds for a few seconds, before Kelly starts hulking up on Layla, before nailing her with her excellent move where she leaps off of the person’s back and lands with a leg drop across the back of their head. Great, great move, and more than enough to get the first elimination of the match.
Layla Has Been Eliminated By Kelly Kelly.
Immediately into the ring comes the Women’s champion, Michelle McCool, and Gail Kim jumps in to challenge her. Gail puts on a high flying show, dazzling the audience and Michelle both, but before long Michelle outsmarts her, reversing her Hurracanrana attempt into a nasty Faith Breaker, resulting in the pinfall and the evening of the motherfucking score, motherfuckers.
Gail Kim Has Been Eliminated By Michelle McCool.
Now it’s Eve’s turn to try to prove herself against the champion, and Michelle wants no part of her, quickly tagging in Jillian Hall to combat the up and coming future star. Jillian stays ahead of Eve admirably, showing her great experience advantage, as Eve tries to land huge move that continually just don’t quite connect. Unfortunately, Jillian contracts a little bit of Cocky Heel Syndrome, and takes just a second to long to preen and taunt, and Eve takes advantage by leaping from the second rope to roll her up, getting three count and racking up an embarrassing loss for Jillian.
Jillian Hall Has Been Eliminated By Eve.
Ruh roh. It’s Beth’s turn, and she is NOT fucking around. Eve turns around directly into a Glam Slam that she never saw coming. 1…2…3. That’s all she wrote, folks.
Eve Has Been Eliminated By Beth Phoenix.
Kelly tries her luck with Beth, but fares no better, as Beth simply overpowers her, turning a clothesline into another Glam Slam, to bring Team Sparkly down to its final two.
Kelly Kelly Has Been Eliminated By Beth Phoenix.
Now Mickie comes in to defend what is left of her team, and the crowd immediately starts buzzing. They remember how Mickie and Beth have torn the house down in the past, and this is clearly the matchup that they want to see. They circle each other for a moment before rushing in to do battle. Beth takes the early advantage, but her over confidence allows Mickie to hit her with a Mule Kick to even things out, then Mickie runs off the ropes, wraps Beth up in a Crucifix Pin, and shockingly gets the easy three count. Startled at this the fans go silent, Beth drops her jaw in alarm, and even Mickie looks a little surprised that it was that easy. But rules are rules, and Beth is done for the night, even though she doesn’t go without knocking Mickie down with a vicious kick to the head.
Beth Phoenix Has Been Eliminated By Mickie James.
With the sides now even, Alicia Fox comes in to wear Mickie down. Alicia stomps her a bit, before unleashing a picture perfect Northern Lights Suplex with one of the best looking bridges that I have ever seen. Its aesthetic qualities don’t mean a ton, though, as Mickie rolls back, grabbing Alicia’s head and looking for her MickieDT. Alicia isn’t having any of that though and shrugs her off, throwing her into the turnbuckle and laying in the punches. In a flash, though, Mickie gets herself some space between them and launches herself off of the top rope with a Lou Thesz press, grabbing another unexpected pinfall in the process.
Alicia Fox Has Been Eliminated By Mickie James.
Michelle, sensing her desperate situation of being all alone, immediately blindsides Mickie from behind and starts laying in the boots to wear her down, keeping her from tagging in her fresh teammate, Melina. Mickie strains to tag in her partner, but Michelle shuts her down again and again, even laying in a few cheap shots on Melina in the process, getting her even more fired up. Finally, FINALLY, Mickie makes the hot tag to Melina, and Melina comes charges in with a belly full of fire, ready to take out her rival, McCool. Melina batters her around for awhile, and Mcihelle tries to fight back, but it’s no use. Melina nails the Sunset Flip Powerbomb and wraps up the match for Team Sparkly.
Michelle McCool has Been Eliminated By Melina.
This was a decent enough match, even if I don’t think that anything earth shattering happened anywhere in it. It felt a little rushed too, though that’s hardly their fault. But despite those small complaints, this really was enjoyable, and I have nothing but good things to say about how this match reflects on the women’s division as a whole. Well done to most of these women. Well done indeed.
70 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh: I’m really impressed with the current Diva’s roster. There are no real standouts like a Trish or… Trish, but we have more than two tolerable wrestlers, which is something we’ve been sorely lacking.
This match sparked a huge debate in the Cewshold about the nature of women’s wrestling and how they’ll never get the time, money, or storylines until the fans are reprogrammed to see them as more than wrestling boobs. It was quite fascinating, as well as pretty heated, but we both came to agree that this is a positive step for the division…
And then Mickey and Melina celebrated their win by smacking each other on the ass. God damn it.
54 out of 100
Vice: WWE’s women’s wrestling is a joke. This was one of the dumbest, most awful finishes I’ve ever seen. In terms of an actual finish and not some Russo shitpile. Like, it was just bad. The pose/scream, McCool being an idiot, the zero impact, all of that. Just awful.
Fuck you all. And eat a sandwich every now and then for the love of god. Oh wait. You shouldn’t. Because then you’d be considered a fatty and have storylines about how you’re such a fatty.
Team Mickie Over Team McCool.
Segment 9 – Batista Gives A Lengthy Promo.
Cewsh: Oh wait, actually that’s not what happened at all. What happened was Todd Grisham asking Batista why he destroyed Rey Mysterio, and Batista simply asked Grisham if Rey was embarrassed tonight. Before Todd could answer, Bats simply said “I was embarrassed for him”, and walks off the pimp motherfucker that he truly is. I know I’m supposed to be impartial or something, but shit man, that’s a cool, cold, awesome dude right there.
Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – John (Will Have Better Luck With DX Than With Vice and Ms. Cewsh) Cena © vs. Triple (Nipple. Heh.) H vs. Shawn (Dong) Michaels.
Cewsh: I’m not sure what to expect from this match. The entirety of the build has either been about Hornswaggle or the fact that DX will present a united front and will absolutely not fight each other in this match. Since I value my sanity, I’ll go with the second one, as DX have made a pact to take the belt away from John Cena, whatever it takes, and that means working together to take out the most dangerous wrestler in the company.
The match begins and IMMEDIATELY that all goes out the window and Shawn Michaels annihilates his partner, Triple H with Sweet Chin Music as the crowd and John Cena both just stare in astonishment. Instantly the crowd is buzzing, and this match takes on an entirely different feel from anything anybody was expecting. From this point on, all three of these men put on a virtuoso performance worthy of the main event of a big 4 PPV. These guys go fucking nuts on each other, hitting finishers, flying out of nowhere, and just putting together one of the most genuinely exciting matches WWE has had in a good long time.
Cena looks great, but not overpowering, Triple H looks unbeatable, but never fully in control, and Shawn Michaels plays the wild card in triple threat matches better than anyone in wrestling, repeatedly hitting Sweet Chin Music out of absolutely nowhere when you least expect it, using his legendary move to completely change the outlook of the match every single time he uses it. This is one of those rare matches where it makes no difference at all what led to it, because what happens in the ring tells its own story. We know these three guys so well that they simply fall into their natural roles, and our knowledge of their moves, histories, and the way their matches usually go has us rocking watching this sort of thing, and every time I thought I had a handle on how it was going to end, they changed the script.
I can’t say enough about a match like this in the main event. It has me buzzing with excitement for days afterwards because it’s just so good at hyping you up and making you believe that anybody could win. This is how a good triple threat is done. It truly is a shame, that it has to be remembered as the second best triple threat main event this month.
88 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Ms.Cewsh: I’m of the opinion that unless something in a match means something, particularly on a PPV, the match shouldn’t happen. A title change, a feud blow off, a feud starting, a team breaks up, a team forms, even the debut of a new move. I’m not picky. I just want to know what I’m watching means something in the long run.
The match was pretty good, but in the end, what was the point?
68 out of 100
Vice: After watching one of the very best triple threat matches I’ve ever seen last week at TNA’s Turning Point, this match had to do a lot to compete with it. While it was very good and featured much bigger names, there’s just no competition here. You just cannot fuck with Styles, Joe, and Daniels. This was a very different match though, and did wonders for what it was.
Now is when I will make a very obvious comparison to said TNA match. I loved the beginning of that match because Daniels just clocks AJ in the jaw at the very beginning. There was some tension between the two and it wasn’t guaranteed that they’d be rivals at the start, but they just threw that out the window from the get go. I loved it. With no real tension between Michaels and Hunter, one might think that the two would be on the same page for a while and work to take out Cena. Until a miscommunication or when one got greedy, of course. But, Michaels starts off the match by kicking Triple H’s head clean off. I didn’t see it coming at all, and it was fantastic. Triple H sold the death blow quite well, and so did the facial expressions and body language of both Michaels and Cena. It was great.
There was a lot of really solid work here by all three men, and some really nifty spots and exchanges. I enjoyed it a lot. I assumed Cena was going to walk out as the champion still, ‘cause that just makes sense and all, so I wasn’t shocked when he got the pin after a really fun exchange that I very much approved of. Now since I have to bitch about something to earn a paycheck (something I have yet to receive after a year of service.. did the Zolom sweep them away?), I will bitch about Cena’s post-match stuff. The same shit like every other time he wins a match. He’s near death towards the end of the match, uses up all his remaining energy to overcome odds and get the win, and then springs to his feet and celebrates with all the energy in the world. Yeah he sat down for a few seconds in the corner, which I guess could be considered selling (on par with his LEG SHAKING at Wrestlemania), but then didn’t look like he had done anything more than take his morning piss. Eh, I’m not shocked.
John Cena Over Everyone Else Following An Attitude Adjustment To Shawn Michaels On Top Of Triple H.
Cewsh: This was clearly a show meant to herald the future for WWE and wrestling in general. Stars were anointed the future (Miz, McIntyre, Sheamus, Kofi) and older guys were fazed out a little bit (Hardy, Finlay, Regal). In the end this show will be remembered more than anything for the changing of the guard mentality that went into making it, and that may well be for the best. I just wish that the show built around the concept could have been better as a whole. Don’t be fooled by the score, which was inflated by the small number of matches.
This show was good. But it wasn’t special.
Cewsh’s Final Score: 76.16 out of 100.
Ms. Cewsh: This show had too many people, too many mediocre matches, and too many strange decisions. It wasn’t just distracting or a little offputting; it was bad. WWE has shown they know how to do a theme pay per view. Clearly whomever booked Breaking Point and Hell in a Cell took the night off.
Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 48 out of 100.
Vice: Overall this was a pretty good show. To me it didn’t scream awesome, and I wasn’t really blown away by anything, but it did its job well enough and I was fairly entertained. Probably for the best that I didn’t go.
Vice’s Final Score: 71 out of 100.
Alright, boys and girls, that’ll do it for us this week. We hope you enjoyed our coverage of one of WWE’s biggest events of the year, and frankly its miraculous we’re delivering it at all, as the second this is posted, Ms. Cewsh and I are off on a whirlwind tour of South Carolina and all of the wonderful states in between here (Ohio) and there. Be sure to check back next week when we will be exploring the one major American promotion that we’ve never covered. ECW, and their very first PPV Barely Legal. How will ECW stand up to modern day judgments? You’ll have to wait and see. Until then, keep reading, enjoy your turducken, and be good to one another.
Happy Holidays You Beautiful Bastards!