WWE Survivor Series 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review that always remembers to sweep the leg, Cewsh Reviews.

(We Never Fall For This Bullshit Either.)

Tonight we’ve got a big mamajama for you as WWE runs into one of its four biggest shows of the year, Survivor Series. This is one of the oldest still running wrestling shows in the world, and for good reason, as the somewhat misleadingly nicknamed “Thanksgiving Spectacular” has been bringing us thrills, chills, and unforgettable moments since most of us were children. Will WWE be able to deliver another memorable show tonight with the specter of TNA’s greatest show in history looming on the boundaries of perception? Or will a ho hum show here actually make TNA the promotion of the month for the first time in…ever? Yep, pretty much ever. The pressure is on (even though they probably don’t think so), and there are questions to be answered. Can DX stay on the same page to bring down John Cena? Can Jerishow stay on the same page to bring down the Undertaker? Can we stay on the same page to bring down a 6 foot sandwich? Only time will tell.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: For a show that mostly contains matches without a great deal of build behind them, the opening video to this show sure makes this SEEM like a big deal PPV, as epic crashing music frames many of the biggest stars in WWE getting all mad at each other and whatnot. They cover all of the matches, running down the full card, with a special emphasis on the triple threat between DX and John Cena. Well I SAY DX and John Cena. It’s actually just pretty much focused on John Cena. John Cena, John Cena, John Cena.

John Cena.

Segment 2 – Elimination Tag Team Match – Team Thrown Together (John Morisson, Evan Bourne, Matt Hardy, Finlay, and Shleton Benjamin) vs. Team Future Of Awesomeness (The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, and Sheamus).

Cewsh: Play by play is rough on matches like this, but I’m going to try to keep up with the big moves, and the eliminations.

We start off with Jack Swagger and Evan Bourne representing their respective teams, which is a great choice because these guys have great chemistry together. They go back and forth for a bit before Swagger and Ziggler both start beating the ever loving shit out of Bourne, resulting in a very sad Evan, and a touching moment where Dolph goes to leave the ring, accidentally touches Sheamus with his foot, puts his hand on Sheamus’ shoulder and clearly says “I’m sorry, man.” Which, coming from such dastardly heels, is something like the Joker pausing in his fight with Batman to drive some old clothes to Goodwill. But I digress. Bourne tries to fight back, apparently forgetting that’s he’s the babyface in peril at the moment, and he manages to tag in Matt Hardy, who immediately tags Bourne BACK in so that he can hit Air Bourne on Ziggler and eliminate him from the match.

Dolph Ziggler Has Been Eliminated By Evan Bourne.

Evan celebrates for about 5 seconds before Drew McIntyre comes in, grabs him, and delivers his fucking DEVASTATING DDT. That move is so, so brutal looking, and Bourne is done for the night.

Evan Bourne Has Been Eliminated By Drew McIntyre.

Next in is Finlay who has more than a little bit of a grudge against McIntyre, who has been abusing him on Smackdown lately. McIntyre quickly tags in Sheamus, and he and Finlay have a staredown. Until Finlay looks away for a split second and got a boot planted into his cornea as a result. Sheamus hits a fucking vicious boot usually, and this was no different. Fucking OW.

Finlay Has Been Eliminated By Sheamus.

In comes Matt Hardy to defend Finlay’s honor, and promptly starts getting his ass kicked as well. In case you haven’t been keeping track, Team Miz is beating the unholy fuckjesus out of Team Morisson, and it isn’t close. In comes Miz for the first time to lead his team, and the purple that both he and Hardy are wearing combine to form a lovely palate of Vice like wonder. Sheamus and Swagger have a fun time throwing Matt Tubsy around the ring for awhile, until Morisson gets the hot tag and lays into everybody, flying all over the ring, messing everyone the fuck up, until both teams come out fighting and Shelton runs so fast, the wind from his passage knocks out the ref. However, this doesn’t stop Morisson from nailing Starship Pain, and for some dude to run in and count the three.

Jack Swagger Has Been Eliminated By John Morisson.

Shelton comes in and, as per his usual, does some match stealing moves including leaping from about halfway across the ring directly to the top rope, and jumping back to nail the Miz in the face. As usual for Benjamin, his athleticism is amazing, and he’s fun as fuck to watch, and then a second later I forget that he’s even in the match. Unfortunately, Shleton kind of forgets he’s in the match too, as he gets gobsmacked by the heels and falls backwards into a resounding Skullcrushing Finale.

Shelton Benjamin Has Been Eliminated By The Miz.

Now it’s down to two on the good guy team, and Matt Tubsy is in pretty bad shape as McIntyre starts laying into him. Tubsy fights back, though, hitting McIntyre with everything he’s got, before a distraction from Sheamus gets him the nasty, NASTY DDT treatment just like Bourne. Bye bye Tubsy. I’ll miss you.

Matt Hardy Has Been Eliminated By Drew McIntyre.

Now all by his lonesome, John Morisson goes on the attack to try to take out the other team all at once, and without a doubt, he’s does a great job. He flies all over the ring, uses their momentum against them, and fights like a plucky young man ought to fight, not giving up, and never surrendering, but no matter how hard he fights, the numbers advantage keeps the bad guys just one step ahead at all times. Finally, though, Sheamus riles him up just a bit too far, and Morisson goes apeshit knocking out everyone and going for the springboard kick to the face that he does so well. However, Sheamus isn’t fooled in the slightest and hit him with the Bicycle Kick right in the knee, spinning him in midair to land in a heap. Then Sheamus grabs him, hoists him up into the Razor’s fucking Edge and BOOM. Lights out for Team Morisson.

John Morisson Has Been Eliminated By Sheamus.

Standing over the broken body of John Morisson the team of the future stands tall and victorious. And pale. Very, very pale.

I have absolutely nothing but positive things to say about this match, and it has to be said to represent a distinct changing of the guard in WWE. Guys like Finlay, Benjamin and Hardy were dismantled by these heels, and especially by McIntyre, Miz, and Sheamus, all three of whom came out of this looking like sureshot guaranteed future main eventers. They highlighted the right guys, they had a hell of an exciting, stirring matchup, and they delivered in every way that could have been asked of them. Damn great match, and damn great opener to this show.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: …what Cewsh said. Good match. Exciting up and comers. Intéressante.

80 out of 100.

Vice: I had no idea that Survivor Series was going to be in Washington DC, otherwise I might have gone. You know, considering that I live 10 minutes away from the Verizon Center. And I was there a week or two ago for a Caps game. Yes, Vice went hockeying with his binary buddy. It wasn’t until Zyphlin, of last review’s fame, mentioned that he was going to Survivor Series, that I was like “crapola! I could be there!”. Though really, I probably would not have gone anyway. Unless the seats were like $5. Even then I’d really have to think about it.

My sleeping has been atrocious as of late. I feel like part of me is in Virginia and another part of me is in Russia. It’s a very awkward feeling to tell you the truth. I only mention this because my review might be a little bit wacky since I am practically hallucinating constantly. It’s good that Ms. Cewsh is helping out with this review, because she will not only bring sanity to the table, but it also means that I can be a lazy fuck and [strike]completely mail this in[/strike] not stress myself as much as I potentially could, seeing as now I only have to provide 1/3 of a review instead of half. Though really, I generally only provide 1/3 as it is. So now I’m doing even less. Awesome.

Anyway, this match was a fairly good opener, but nothing above or beyond that. There are only two things I should point out here. Both are related to Sheamus, though one is kinda indirectly. Sheamus ran into the ring and accidentally knocked the shit out of the back of the ref’s head, which apparently gave him a concussion in real life. What was funny about this was that it was completely unplanned, and as such, the ref actually threw up the dreaded X for himself, prompting another ref to come in and restore order. Why don’t other refs do this? Like when they’re not totally dead, but just kind of there. Why don’t other refs come down anyway when they see that their ref buddy is knocked the fuck out? Do they just not care? Should they not try to maintain some sort of order in the ring? I mean, if a ref goes down and a sports entertainer breaks the skull of another sports entertainer, the blood should be on another ref’s hands for not saving the day. This has given me another idea, actually. HOLOGRAM REFEREES.

The next thing to discuss is Sheamus using the Razor’s Edge as a finisher. For years and years and years, not a damn person used the Razor’s Edge as a finisher. Sure there have been some variations of it here and there (ie: they sucked), but no one truly did the big daddy finisher. Then I wrote about how such a thing was a travesty in one of my reviews, and bitched and bitched. And now someone uses it. I think someone from WWE reads our reviews. Yeaaaah booooiiii. So, hologram refs?

Team Miz Over Team Morisson.

Segment 3 – Racial Diversity Handled In A Tolerant Way.

Cewsh: No, seriously. The same company that portrayed Chavo Guererro as a white guy who golfed, delivered here a segment about four black guys and one white guy that touched on the issue, made some jokes with it, and in the end really made it seem like these guys are all really good friends and legitimately like each other. This segment isn’t a big deal unto itself, but it’s really rare in that it portrays the wrestlers as people who actually like each other for once, and as such is kind of a feel good moment. This is the kind of moment that I hope WWE can expound on in the future, because it really gives me hopes for the message they’re putting out there in a PG environment.

Also, Christian raps. Fuck YEAH. If only Tomko were there to give him a beat.

Segment 4 – Batist(icles)a vs. Rey (Wuss) Mysterio.

Cewsh: The backstory behind this match is that, unless you’ve been under a rock where there are no tv’s (so pretty much most rocks then), Rey Mysterio and Batista were best friends that came together after their mutual best friend Eddie Guerrero died.

(It Was Pretty Much Like This All The Time.)

However at Bragging Rights, in a fatal four way for the World Championship that both men were involved in, Rey stopped Batista from winning, and, well, Batista didn’t take it well. As a result, their friendship is pretty much shattered, and Rey has been looking like a battered wife all month, begging Batista to come back to him despite the fact that Bats beat the fucking muppets out of him. So now they’re meeting here in a match that many thought would never happen, and Rey is hoping to knock some sense into his former friend.

As the match starts, it becomes pretty damn clear that, for some reason, they want us to believe that Rey is way angrier than Batista, and Rey proceeds to spend the first half of this match more or less kicking the shit out of his former best friend. That’s not a typo. I did type “Rey” instead of “Other Guy”. Eventually things get more evened out, though, until Rey gets Batista in position for the 619 and Vice starts yelling “Noooooo!” so loudly that George Lucas is suing him for copyright infringement. Bats catches Rey in midair, though, and powers him down with a spinebuster. Then he hits the Batista Bomb. Then another Batista Bomb. The ref decides that Rey is done and awards Batista the match. Then Bats pulls up a chair for storytime. Then he spinebuster’s Rey on the chair as Rey begs him not to.

Now the important thing to remember is that Rey Mysterio is a beloved babyface and a sympathetic figure. When his best friend turns on him, you’d expect some boos, right? Well if that’s what WWE expected, they probably should have hosted this somewhere other than Washington D.C. (Batista’s hometown) because the pops Bats got he gets upon his every move in this match were absurd, and every time he hurt Mysterio, the fans would chant “One more time”. So yeah, essentially turning Batista against Mysterio has made Batista the biggest face in wrestling since Steve Austin. At least in D.C. on this night.

The match itself can hardly be called a match. It went too long for what it was, and frankly there’s no reason Batista should have been getting his ass handed to him by Rey Mysterio at this point. That’s a moot point though, and so is the match, because the real story is the absolute trashing Batista gave Mysterio after the match. That was an awesome work of art, and Batista murders people like nobody else in wrestling right now. So there you go. Bad match, great finish.

70 out of 100.

Vice: I don’t know who’s fucking brilliant idea it was to have Batista turn mega heel (and by that I mean AWESOME), and then book him to murder the midget in front of his home town. Did you really think he was going to get booed? Really?

This match was great in that Rey Mysterio got annihilated by a mammoth. Fuck do I hate Mysterio these days. The 619, and all its setups and variations, is seriously my least favorite move in all of wrestling these days. It’s just so goddamn awful. I don’t care if you hate me for saying that, but I stand by my words. It is shit. This match showed how shit it is. I’d be happy never seeing it again. It also doesn’t help that tons of other random shitheads are now doing the 619 because it’s an easy move to steal. Grumble grumble.

Rey died. Hopefully he gets another wellness policy violation and gets fired, the dumb sausage.

Ms.Cewsh: Do I even need to be here? Have I waxed poetic enough on how much I hate Batista and how much I DESPISE fans cheering heels and booing faces? You can fill your own angry rant in, right?

Despite it all, this isn’t the worst thing in history. It isn’t even the worst match of the night. I agree that it went on too long, that Rey shouldn’t have gotten as much offense, and that Bats looked like a killer.

I disagree that the beating after the bell was the most brutal thing in history. I thought after the kajillion Batista Bombs, it was almost tame.

It was just pretty…eh for me.

41 out of 100

Batista Over Rey Mysterio Following Rey Being A Wuss.
Segment 5 – Bad Guys Are Mean To Each Other.

Cewsh: Backstage in Randy Orton’s locker room, things are much more tense and much less rappy, as everybody seems to be down on Orton for getting his ass kicked by Kingston on Raw. As a result of this everybody is at each other’s throats and the atmosphere is decidedly not inspirational.

See kids? If you’re mean, even your friends will be assholes. Worth thinking about next time you have a choice between helping an old lady across the street and doing a kickflip off of her for maximum points. Just saying.

Segment 6 – Elimination Tag Team Match – Team Nation of Domination (Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP, R-Truth and Christian) vs. Team Too Good For This (Randy Orton, Ted Dibiase, Cody Rhodes, CM Punk and William Regal).

Cewsh: Everybody in this match hates everybody else, but especially flagrant is the distaste between Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston. That’s pretty much all you need to know going into this. No really, that’s about as much build as this match has. I GUESS if you want to get technical, Truth and Punk, Legacy and MarkVP, and Christian and Regal have been feuding in addition to Kofi and Orton, so this match makes perfect sense, but c’mon! What’s to make fun of in that?

We start off the match with Mark Henry and Randy Orton in the ring. Kofi wants a piece of Randy but Mark says it’s cool, he’s got this. Mark then throws Randy around for awhile while Randy makes wacky facial expressions. This only last a very short time, though, before Legacy takes Henry’s attention away from Orton and that is a huge, huge mistake. RKO. Boo diggity.

Mark Henry has Been Eliminated By Randy Orton.

In comes MVP, Henry’s tag team partner, and Orton is quick to get out of the ring, tagging in his fellow Legacy member Cody Rhodes, who quickly tags in William Regal, who quickly tags in CM Punk, who quickly tags in the Kool Aid man, who says “Oh Yeah!” but is otherwise unhelpful. R-Truth jumps into the ring to get him some Punk (jealous), but that too is a mistake, because in no time he decides to take a nap on Punk’s knee and we’re down two guys already!

R-Truth Has Been Eliminated By CM Punk.

Alright, we’re hardly 5 minutes into the match and the bad guys are entirely unscathed, and the good guys have worse and worse odds with every moment. Now it’s Christian’s turn, and he fares much better as he withstands the best shots of Dibiase and Punk, before leaping off of the second turnbuckle, rolling up Dibiase, and putting good guys on the scoreboard.

Ted Dibiase Has Been Eliminated By Christian.

Kofi, fired up by his team actually doing something right, comes in fired the fuck up and starts unloading on William Regal and everyone else in sight. Like the patient veteran that he is, though, Regal grounds Kofi and puts him through the ringer with submission maneuvers. In a heads up move, though, MVP tags himself in as Kofi is flung into the ropes, and after throwing Kofi out of the ring, Regal turns around directly into a face full of Yakuza Kick from MVP. 1…2…3, and we’re all tied up at 3 apiece.

William Regal Has Been Eliminated By MVP.

Cody Rhodes leaps into the match by hitting a crossbody from the top rope, and it’s on as Rhodes and MVP, and then Rhodes and Christian trade bombs in the middle of the ring. Rhodes tags in Orton, who methodically beats Christian’s spiky head into the mat, then Rhodes comes in, then MVP comes in, then this review started to get repetitive, and Cewsh got a sandwich. Cewsh was drawn back into the room by Ms. Cewsh crying out in ecstasy as MVP executed her favorite maneuver in the whole entire world, BALLIN’ Not that the move helped him much as he stood up from it, only for Rhodes to pop up as destroy him with the Crossrhodes. Man, Legacy really is more like Orton every day.

MVP Has Been Eliminated By Cody Rhodes.

Cody then has to withstand the onslaught of Kofi and Christian double teaming him. He, err, doesn’t.

Cody Rhodes Has Been Eliminated By Christian.

Now we’re down to two on two. The biggest two on each side, with Punk and Orton for the bad guys and Kingston and Christian for the good ‘uns. The tension is thick as Christian and Orton stare each other down. They get into it, and what follows is a great little mini match between the two as Orton tries his usual business, but Christian stays one step ahead of him at every turn, until finally Orton, in desperation, goes for the RKO, only for Christian to counter it into the fucking Killswitch. BANG. 1…2…Punk breaks up the pinfall, saving the ass of Mr. Randy Orton. Christian disposes of Punk and charges Orton in the corner, but the Viper had all the time he needed to recover, dodge Christian and wipe him out with an RKO. 1…2…3. Have a nice night, Mr. Christian.

Christian Has Been Eliminated By Randy Orton.

In comes Kofi now, realizing that he has to beat both men to win out and that this will be no easy task. As the crowd swells in support of Kofi, he goads Orton to come on and attack him, but Orton being Orton, he tags in Punk and drops to the relative safety of the floor. Kofi tries to convince Punk to tag Orton back in, and they talk for a minute, clearly a tad bit hesitant to fight, since they have history as friends. Finally, though, Punk chooses glory over friendship and attacks and Kofi and Punk go nuts. This is important, because in my opinion the single biggest factor separating good matches from great matches is chemistry. How well do your styles mesh, how well can you work seamlessly together? That sort of thing. And these guys have it in truckloads.

Kofi and Punk exchange almost finishers a few times and settle into what would any other time be a fantastic singles match, all with Orton watching closely on the outside. They throw everything but the kitchen sink at each other in 5 of the most exciting minutes of wrestling that have happened this year, until Kofi summons up an inner reserve and reverses a roll up into a roll up of his own, finally putting CM Punk away.

CM Punk Has Been Eliminated By Kofi Kingston.

You’ve known where this was going from the second the match started didn’t you? Kofi win pin Punk, and then Orton will slip in and hit the RKO like he always does, putting Kofi away and then escaping like the prick that he is, right? Well unfortunately for Randy Orton, Kofi knew that too. As Orton comes rushing in to take advantage of Kofi’s distraction, Kofi, without missing a beat, spins around into the Trouble In Paradise, connecting with Orton’s lovely visage and putting HIM down for the count, picking up the hugely unexpected win for the good guys.

Randy Orton Has Been Eliminated By Kofi Kingston.

Kofi dances around the ring in triumph as Michael Cole hyperventilates so bad that I picked up my phone to call 911, before I realized that I was watching a recording. Kofi is the sole survivor and he’s not going to give up. He’s a survivor who will keep on survivin’

Now I’m sure Ms. Cewsh will go into detail about how odd it seems to have Kofi punk out Orton so blatantly here, which kind of made him look like a bitch, so I’ll leave that to her. Instead I’ll comment on how this match was completely mediocre and kind of dull until it came down to the final four, at which point, this match was damn near magical. Everyone had great chemistry together, everyone looked great (except Orton at the end), and the crowd was going absolutely bonkers for Kofi by the end of the match. A star is born here tonight. Assuming the star will continue to shine this bright.

79 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: We have a match that’s pretty much everything wrong with Survivor Series. All the good midcarders were used in the first match, so we get a rather random assortment for this one. There aren’t twenty mid to upper midcard guys who are good enough to be in a SS match! The result is the heel team is WAY stacked against the babyface team and we’re just supposed to ignore it. People tag in and out and in and out and in and out and… People are eliminated. It’s hard to tell when they’re eliminated and when they just hop back out. BECAUSE 10 MAN MATCHES ARE CONFUSING!

But the worst offense, (besides Ballin’, which offends my senses,) is the fact that Kofi and Punk have a great singles match after everyone but they and Orton are eliminated. Kofi and Punk should be feuding. Punk’s a little above Kofi, as a former champion, so beating him would give Kofi a rub, but they’re close enough that it’s not weird that they’re paired together. Even Legacy would work. Orton is too good and too high above Kofi for him to be worth Orton’s notice. Why not feed Legacy to Kofi for awhile THEN see if he’s ready to go against Randy?!?

Anyway, Kofi and Punk have a breathtaking match, trading the upper hand, making everyone look hot. The crowd adores it. Kofi hits Punk with the SOS, and eliminates Punk! Yes! As he staggers to his feet, he turns straight into an RKO! Oh no! Orton, fresh from his 15 minute rest, easily gets the pin, but Kofi looks great with a ton of heart, Punk stays hot from putting up a fight, and Randy establishes that he’s the main eventer in the ring. Then there are balloons. And a pony. And cupcake-milkshakes.

Oh wait no. Kofi kicks Randy in the face and easily pins him, regardless of the fact that Orton is fresh and Kofi just fought for his life. Wait, didn’t Randy just push John Cena to his limits in a 60 minute Iron-Man match LAST MONTH?! So Kofi’s better than John Cena? And since Orton just barely lost the belt in that match, does that mean Kofi’s better than the WWE champion and, by proxy, the WWE championship? Well then fuck! Let’s just give Kofi the belt now! He’s clearly ready for it!

Fuck this match. It’s my anniversary, so let’s go back a year.

-5 sleeping kittens out of 5

Vice: This was a very fun match. Lots of good work, lots of storyline stuff.. complete package, really. I enjoyed it. I really liked how the end played out, with Punk and Kofi practically having an entire match together. The end-end was ridiculous, too. I don’t know how exactly I feel about it, but the crowd went NUTS. The good nuts, too. The “we find you credible enough to do what you just did” nuts. Seriously. Nuts. The reaction reminds me a lot of the finals of the EVO 2004 tournament, for all of you video game Street Fightin’ nerdboys out there like me.

(Nerds Of The World UNITE!)

What a finish. What a pop. Even if you don’t like Street Fighter, you really should see that video for the best finish in the history of competitive video gaming and one of the craziest crowd reactions I’ve ever heard from such a group of people. And yeah, I was also looking for an excuse to post that video. ‘Cause everyone should see it.

Team Kofi Over Team Orton.
Segment 7 – World Heavyweight Championship – The Under(wear)taker © vs. Chris (Rad Dude With A Tude) Jericho vs. The Big (All Over) Show.

Cewsh: Here we have the first of the two “tag team against the champion in a triple threat” matches of the night, and, while I have the utmost faith in all three men, this match does kind of stink of “Why?” Why did it need to happen? Why aren’t Jerishow splitting up to have this match? Why can’t the Undertaker have a singles match? Just, you know, why?

Anyway, all three guys get into the ring and the match begins, and Jerishow immediately make a bee line for the Undertaker, beating him all over the arena and essentially taking him out of the match for the time being. As they roll him back into the ring to continue the beating a fan yells at Jericho “Go back to Toronto!” to which he, without missing a beat, replies “I’m from Winnipeg, you idiot.” He then goes back to beating up Taker. What a man. Unfortunately, though, he’s not enough of a man to stop the Undertaker from fighting back into this match as Taker divides and conquers, knocking ten kinds of hell into both Show and Jericho.

As the match continues, things start to deteriorate for Jerishow as they start to target each other, starting a wave of finishing moves by all three men that continues unabated for several minutes until finally The Undertaker locks in the Hells Gate on the Big Show, who has absolutely no choice but to tap right the hell out.

I didn’t enjoy this match much at all. There wasn’t anything specifically wrong with it or anything, but it just felt sort of lost on this card, and with the participants it’s not unfair of me to have expected a little more from them. This is a great example of triple threat matches working poorly, not highlighting anyone, and sucking the drama out of the match by being predictable, cluttered, and unnecessary.

68 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Boring. Show was boring. Jericho was boring. Taker was boring. Triple Threats are boring. Hellsgate is boring.

50 out of 100

Vice: I really have absolutely no idea how it came about (Cewsh Note: I misspelled the word “Spooky” and said “Spocky” instead as I am full of fail and lose), but while watching this match, I randomly stated that Undertaker should have a Mr. Spock gimmick sometime down the road. Then I got to thinking that there should be a Star Trek-esque stable that spoofs it, while providing a fun little stable of people.

Obviously calling someone Mr. Spock would get somebody sued, so we’d have to go with Mr. Spork. Sporks are a dying utensil, so this would be a good way of bringing them back into mainstream. Plus it’s a funny word. Spork. I think Undertaker could actually still play this role, because Vulcans suppress their emotions and stuff, and Undertaker is dead and stuff so he doesn’t have emotions or whatever. I dunno. Mr. Spork.

Every ship needs a captain, and like Spock, Captain Kirk wouldn’t be happy if he suddenly became a wrestler. Cewsh and I couldn’t quite reach an agreement on the name, but we came up with three. The captains could be triplets, but I don’t believe there have been any triplet wrestlers. So why not give them multiple personality disorder? Captains Merk, Jerk and Smirk, depending on the time of day. You can pretty much guess what they do. I could kind of see Triple H in this role. He’d be a good person to team up with the Undersporker.

Renaurd “Banana Phones” McSoy would be the medic of the group. And remember, he’s a telephone, not a sports entertainer. He is also a vegetarian. And very healthy. He can give public service announcements at the end of each show, becoming a hero to the little kids. John Cena, perhaps?

Hulu with his devastating Hulu-hoop finisher will be the man. Since this group needs some young blood, and there’s only like one Asian guy on the roster, clearly Yoshi Tatsu would be great in this role.

Things wouldn’t be nearly as cool if it didn’t have some sort of wacky character make his triumphant return to WWE. Scotty 2 Hottie would get beamed back to WWE under the name “Hotty” to STEAM YOU UP.

Since every stable needs a big Russian fellow, why not get Kozlov to join up and be Jackov. WWE can play it straight while PG, and then when they go back to TV-14 they can unleash the dick/masturbation jokes like nobody’s business.

Alicia Fox could play Uwhora. While you might be quick to think “whore” or “you whore”, she will be anything but a whore. Think of her as a Jessie Spano, but hotter and blacker. And even more uptight and focused on her career.

Undertaker, Triple H, Cena, Yoshi, Scotty 2 Hottie, Kozlov and Alicia Fox. How is that not the best stable ever?

The match was pretty good, by the way.

The Undertaker Over Everyone Else Following A Hell’s Gate On The Big Show.
Segment 8 – The Hamburglar, A Ghost, and the Highlander Are Touching Josh Matthews.

(Alternate Title: I’ve Gotta Stop Drinking.)

Cewsh: Backstage, The Miz, Drew McIntyre, and Sheamus are very fired up indeed about the fact that they won their match earlier in the night. That’s pretty much all they have to say, because of the three of them only the Miz has any idea what he’s doing on the mic, and Sheamus is so far away from good at it that he may actually be able to see the Rock from here on the other side. The Miz delivers the quality though, and regardless of their current speaking skills, these guys are so clearly the future that it fucking stinks gold and leather in this segment.

Err, because of future title belts. Not because of, you know, Golddust.

Segment 9 – Elimination Tag Team Match – Team Mean Girls (Michelle McCool, Alicia Fox, Layla, Beth Phoenix, and Jillian Hall) vs. Team Sparkly (Mickie James, Kelly Kelly, Eve, Melina, and Gail Kim).

Cewsh: I’m fully willing to admit at this point in time that I have been unfair to women’s wrestling in general in the past. I’ve dogged it, dismissed it, reveled in its failures, and failed to acknowledge it’s successes properly. So from this point on, I will let women’s wrestling sink or swim on it’s own merits, and cover it just like anything else. But if anyone asks, I still like to see them in skimpy outfits. Don’t tell Ms. Cewsh.

Alrighty, this match, essentially between the Women’s and Diva’s champions and their entourages, centers mostly around the ongoing feud between Michelle McCool and Mickie James, who are feuding on Smackdown around the fact that Michelle doesn’t want Mickie around so she’s making her feel miserable by calling her fat, destroying her clothes, and other things you might see in any movie where women are left alone in a room together for 5 consecutive minutes. That’s really the only storyline here, but these are all the usual suspects from the division, so they all have history with one another.

We start the match off with Kelly Kelly and Layla. Now Kelly has shown remarkable progress in the ring since she debuted as a woman who did not know how to remove her own bra, and she has become a serious contender in women’s wrestling, while Layla is just sort of…there. They exchange holds for a few seconds, before Kelly starts hulking up on Layla, before nailing her with her excellent move where she leaps off of the person’s back and lands with a leg drop across the back of their head. Great, great move, and more than enough to get the first elimination of the match.

Layla Has Been Eliminated By Kelly Kelly.

Immediately into the ring comes the Women’s champion, Michelle McCool, and Gail Kim jumps in to challenge her. Gail puts on a high flying show, dazzling the audience and Michelle both, but before long Michelle outsmarts her, reversing her Hurracanrana attempt into a nasty Faith Breaker, resulting in the pinfall and the evening of the motherfucking score, motherfuckers.

Gail Kim Has Been Eliminated By Michelle McCool.

Now it’s Eve’s turn to try to prove herself against the champion, and Michelle wants no part of her, quickly tagging in Jillian Hall to combat the up and coming future star. Jillian stays ahead of Eve admirably, showing her great experience advantage, as Eve tries to land huge move that continually just don’t quite connect. Unfortunately, Jillian contracts a little bit of Cocky Heel Syndrome, and takes just a second to long to preen and taunt, and Eve takes advantage by leaping from the second rope to roll her up, getting three count and racking up an embarrassing loss for Jillian.

Jillian Hall Has Been Eliminated By Eve.

Ruh roh. It’s Beth’s turn, and she is NOT fucking around. Eve turns around directly into a Glam Slam that she never saw coming. 1…2…3. That’s all she wrote, folks.

Eve Has Been Eliminated By Beth Phoenix.

Kelly tries her luck with Beth, but fares no better, as Beth simply overpowers her, turning a clothesline into another Glam Slam, to bring Team Sparkly down to its final two.

Kelly Kelly Has Been Eliminated By Beth Phoenix.

Now Mickie comes in to defend what is left of her team, and the crowd immediately starts buzzing. They remember how Mickie and Beth have torn the house down in the past, and this is clearly the matchup that they want to see. They circle each other for a moment before rushing in to do battle. Beth takes the early advantage, but her over confidence allows Mickie to hit her with a Mule Kick to even things out, then Mickie runs off the ropes, wraps Beth up in a Crucifix Pin, and shockingly gets the easy three count. Startled at this the fans go silent, Beth drops her jaw in alarm, and even Mickie looks a little surprised that it was that easy. But rules are rules, and Beth is done for the night, even though she doesn’t go without knocking Mickie down with a vicious kick to the head.

Beth Phoenix Has Been Eliminated By Mickie James.

With the sides now even, Alicia Fox comes in to wear Mickie down. Alicia stomps her a bit, before unleashing a picture perfect Northern Lights Suplex with one of the best looking bridges that I have ever seen. Its aesthetic qualities don’t mean a ton, though, as Mickie rolls back, grabbing Alicia’s head and looking for her MickieDT. Alicia isn’t having any of that though and shrugs her off, throwing her into the turnbuckle and laying in the punches. In a flash, though, Mickie gets herself some space between them and launches herself off of the top rope with a Lou Thesz press, grabbing another unexpected pinfall in the process.

Alicia Fox Has Been Eliminated By Mickie James.

Michelle, sensing her desperate situation of being all alone, immediately blindsides Mickie from behind and starts laying in the boots to wear her down, keeping her from tagging in her fresh teammate, Melina. Mickie strains to tag in her partner, but Michelle shuts her down again and again, even laying in a few cheap shots on Melina in the process, getting her even more fired up. Finally, FINALLY, Mickie makes the hot tag to Melina, and Melina comes charges in with a belly full of fire, ready to take out her rival, McCool. Melina batters her around for awhile, and Mcihelle tries to fight back, but it’s no use. Melina nails the Sunset Flip Powerbomb and wraps up the match for Team Sparkly.

Michelle McCool has Been Eliminated By Melina.

This was a decent enough match, even if I don’t think that anything earth shattering happened anywhere in it. It felt a little rushed too, though that’s hardly their fault. But despite those small complaints, this really was enjoyable, and I have nothing but good things to say about how this match reflects on the women’s division as a whole. Well done to most of these women. Well done indeed.

70 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: I’m really impressed with the current Diva’s roster. There are no real standouts like a Trish or… Trish, but we have more than two tolerable wrestlers, which is something we’ve been sorely lacking.

This match sparked a huge debate in the Cewshold about the nature of women’s wrestling and how they’ll never get the time, money, or storylines until the fans are reprogrammed to see them as more than wrestling boobs. It was quite fascinating, as well as pretty heated, but we both came to agree that this is a positive step for the division…

And then Mickey and Melina celebrated their win by smacking each other on the ass. God damn it.

54 out of 100

Vice: WWE’s women’s wrestling is a joke. This was one of the dumbest, most awful finishes I’ve ever seen. In terms of an actual finish and not some Russo shitpile. Like, it was just bad. The pose/scream, McCool being an idiot, the zero impact, all of that. Just awful.

Fuck you all. And eat a sandwich every now and then for the love of god. Oh wait. You shouldn’t. Because then you’d be considered a fatty and have storylines about how you’re such a fatty.

Team Mickie Over Team McCool.
Segment 9 – Batista Gives A Lengthy Promo.

Cewsh: Oh wait, actually that’s not what happened at all. What happened was Todd Grisham asking Batista why he destroyed Rey Mysterio, and Batista simply asked Grisham if Rey was embarrassed tonight. Before Todd could answer, Bats simply said “I was embarrassed for him”, and walks off the pimp motherfucker that he truly is. I know I’m supposed to be impartial or something, but shit man, that’s a cool, cold, awesome dude right there.

Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – John (Will Have Better Luck With DX Than With Vice and Ms. Cewsh) Cena © vs. Triple (Nipple. Heh.) H vs. Shawn (Dong) Michaels.

Cewsh: I’m not sure what to expect from this match. The entirety of the build has either been about Hornswaggle or the fact that DX will present a united front and will absolutely not fight each other in this match. Since I value my sanity, I’ll go with the second one, as DX have made a pact to take the belt away from John Cena, whatever it takes, and that means working together to take out the most dangerous wrestler in the company.

The match begins and IMMEDIATELY that all goes out the window and Shawn Michaels annihilates his partner, Triple H with Sweet Chin Music as the crowd and John Cena both just stare in astonishment. Instantly the crowd is buzzing, and this match takes on an entirely different feel from anything anybody was expecting. From this point on, all three of these men put on a virtuoso performance worthy of the main event of a big 4 PPV. These guys go fucking nuts on each other, hitting finishers, flying out of nowhere, and just putting together one of the most genuinely exciting matches WWE has had in a good long time.

Cena looks great, but not overpowering, Triple H looks unbeatable, but never fully in control, and Shawn Michaels plays the wild card in triple threat matches better than anyone in wrestling, repeatedly hitting Sweet Chin Music out of absolutely nowhere when you least expect it, using his legendary move to completely change the outlook of the match every single time he uses it. This is one of those rare matches where it makes no difference at all what led to it, because what happens in the ring tells its own story. We know these three guys so well that they simply fall into their natural roles, and our knowledge of their moves, histories, and the way their matches usually go has us rocking watching this sort of thing, and every time I thought I had a handle on how it was going to end, they changed the script.

I can’t say enough about a match like this in the main event. It has me buzzing with excitement for days afterwards because it’s just so good at hyping you up and making you believe that anybody could win. This is how a good triple threat is done. It truly is a shame, that it has to be remembered as the second best triple threat main event this month.

88 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: I’m of the opinion that unless something in a match means something, particularly on a PPV, the match shouldn’t happen. A title change, a feud blow off, a feud starting, a team breaks up, a team forms, even the debut of a new move. I’m not picky. I just want to know what I’m watching means something in the long run.

The match was pretty good, but in the end, what was the point?

68 out of 100

Vice: After watching one of the very best triple threat matches I’ve ever seen last week at TNA’s Turning Point, this match had to do a lot to compete with it. While it was very good and featured much bigger names, there’s just no competition here. You just cannot fuck with Styles, Joe, and Daniels. This was a very different match though, and did wonders for what it was.

Now is when I will make a very obvious comparison to said TNA match. I loved the beginning of that match because Daniels just clocks AJ in the jaw at the very beginning. There was some tension between the two and it wasn’t guaranteed that they’d be rivals at the start, but they just threw that out the window from the get go. I loved it. With no real tension between Michaels and Hunter, one might think that the two would be on the same page for a while and work to take out Cena. Until a miscommunication or when one got greedy, of course. But, Michaels starts off the match by kicking Triple H’s head clean off. I didn’t see it coming at all, and it was fantastic. Triple H sold the death blow quite well, and so did the facial expressions and body language of both Michaels and Cena. It was great.

There was a lot of really solid work here by all three men, and some really nifty spots and exchanges. I enjoyed it a lot. I assumed Cena was going to walk out as the champion still, ‘cause that just makes sense and all, so I wasn’t shocked when he got the pin after a really fun exchange that I very much approved of. Now since I have to bitch about something to earn a paycheck (something I have yet to receive after a year of service.. did the Zolom sweep them away?), I will bitch about Cena’s post-match stuff. The same shit like every other time he wins a match. He’s near death towards the end of the match, uses up all his remaining energy to overcome odds and get the win, and then springs to his feet and celebrates with all the energy in the world. Yeah he sat down for a few seconds in the corner, which I guess could be considered selling (on par with his LEG SHAKING at Wrestlemania), but then didn’t look like he had done anything more than take his morning piss. Eh, I’m not shocked.

Good match.

John Cena Over Everyone Else Following An Attitude Adjustment To Shawn Michaels On Top Of Triple H.

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: This was clearly a show meant to herald the future for WWE and wrestling in general. Stars were anointed the future (Miz, McIntyre, Sheamus, Kofi) and older guys were fazed out a little bit (Hardy, Finlay, Regal). In the end this show will be remembered more than anything for the changing of the guard mentality that went into making it, and that may well be for the best. I just wish that the show built around the concept could have been better as a whole. Don’t be fooled by the score, which was inflated by the small number of matches.

This show was good. But it wasn’t special.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 76.16 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh’s Musings:

Ms. Cewsh: This show had too many people, too many mediocre matches, and too many strange decisions. It wasn’t just distracting or a little offputting; it was bad. WWE has shown they know how to do a theme pay per view. Clearly whomever booked Breaking Point and Hell in a Cell took the night off.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 48 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this was a pretty good show. To me it didn’t scream awesome, and I wasn’t really blown away by anything, but it did its job well enough and I was fairly entertained. Probably for the best that I didn’t go.

Vice’s Final Score: 71 out of 100.

Alright, boys and girls, that’ll do it for us this week. We hope you enjoyed our coverage of one of WWE’s biggest events of the year, and frankly its miraculous we’re delivering it at all, as the second this is posted, Ms. Cewsh and I are off on a whirlwind tour of South Carolina and all of the wonderful states in between here (Ohio) and there. Be sure to check back next week when we will be exploring the one major American promotion that we’ve never covered. ECW, and their very first PPV Barely Legal. How will ECW stand up to modern day judgments? You’ll have to wait and see. Until then, keep reading, enjoy your turducken, and be good to one another.

Happy Holidays You Beautiful Bastards!

TNA Turning Point 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Turning Point 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review that can please the eye and the mind and other places for a negotiable fee, Cewsh Reviews. This week we have a special treat as TNA comes to town, and like the Grinch deciding that he really was a nice guy all along, this month’s show has a bounty of goodness that is so tempting, I’m almost suspicious that the show will stop 5 minutes in to show nothing but a 3 hour video of Ron Jeremy shaving his back. I’ll let you process that bad boy for a second. Sex drive gone? Good. Now that I have your complete attention, let me show you the riches in store for you. Joe/Styles/Daniels for the World title. Nigel McGuiness (Err…Drake Fox? Dirk Duck? Derrick Zoolander?) against Kurt Angle. Bobby Lashley against Scott Steiner. Truly, these are match ups for the ages, and we’re here to bring them to you in all their salty glory.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: This video is essentially a recap of the interview that Dixie Carter conducted a few weeks ago, where she basically said that things were changing in TNA (alluding, no doubt, to the unmentioned departure of Jeff Jarrett as much as anything else) and that anybody not on board can fuck off, while everyone who wanted to stay had better work their asses off or TNA was going to fail, and she was taking them down with her. Or something like that. Its kind of hard to take her seriously a lot of the time, even when she’s pretty much as credible as it gets in TNA. Its not because she’s a woman, its just that she’s kind of an automaton when she talks, with no personality or passion to herself at all, so when she makes this huge dramatic speech about the future, it feels like a board meeting, not a leader rallying the troops.

She is damn attractive though. Is that unprofessional of me? Fuck I hope so.

Call me, Dixie.

Segment 2 – TNA X-Division Championship – The Amazing (9 Year Old) Red © vs. Homicide (Seems Like An Extreme Thing To Do To A Ginger Child).

Cewsh: In some ways, this is an easy match to get excited about, and in some ways not. Homicide has been on an absolute tear in TNA lately, completely stealing any screen time he gets with Brusier Brody-like Wildman antics, throwing chairs, abusing announcers, and generally acting like the craziest motherfucker in the company. Red, on the other hand, has had a very, very mediocre run as X Division champion thus far, and really, so have pretty much all of the X Division champions recently. The days of competitive, high flying, fast paced one on one X Division championship title matches seem to be in the past.

Or rather they DID, before this match got underway.

These two guys, who have extremely different styles, it must be said, combine to put on a great show to kick this event off right. They had solid chemistry, Homicide sold his ass off for Red, and they pulled out a few moves that I had absolutely never seen before anywhere, and never would have expected from Homicide. Moonsaults into Cutters, top rope Diving Code Reds, a hurracanrana, into a Black Hole Slam, into a tornado DDT, this match was just off the walls with its desire to please from start to finish.

Now despite this, it wasn’t all perfect. There were several prolonged periods of very awkward transitions, where the pace screeched to a stop, and some lack of timing that is very common in your average Amazing Red match, but what this match left me with was the sensation of having enjoyed a good time, and it made me want to see more wrestling. More than good enough for me, if not good enough to erase the X-Stigma altogether.

74 out of 100.

Vice: I might be a bit biased in my review, mainly because, well, I actually ordered this show. I mean come on, it’s Nigel McFuckingGuinness on [non-ROH] PPV, and AJ/Joe/Daniels. How could this not be ordered?

So yeah, my usual reviews consists of me sitting alone in my cold, dark room, watching a downloaded copy of the event. Cewsh and I have our copies synced up so we can actually watch it together as we shoot the shit over AIM. With this, I was in my basement with Chotliwala and Zyphlin from the forums watching it live on a big TV, having a blast and yelling out “OOOOOHHHHH!” and “AAAAAHHH!” and joking around. Massive difference. Another massive difference is price, too. Downloading is free, ordering the show and pizza = about $20 per each of us. And that brings me to another thing. TNA raising the prices of their PPVs. 10 people buy them every month because everyone else is so poor from buying WWE, UFC and boxing PPVs.. so their train of thought to get more sales? If you said “charge a lot more!”, you are correct. $30 is reasonable. $40 is pushing it.

The show, like most TNA PPVs, opens up with a fast, hot match. TNA just always gets this right, even though I suppose it’d be hard to fuck up for them. But still, I almost always give them kudos for kicking the show off with a bang.

The match itself isn’t anything spectacular, but it was a ton of fun. It was just Red being his usual flippy self and Homicide being himself as well, and they meshed fairly well. Oh, and of course I have to add points to this match because Don West is on camera. Man I wish TNA had never signed Tazz. Shame on you, TNA.

It’s really nice seeing Red be able to go as fast and fluidly as he does. When I found out he was coming back to TNA, I was far from excited. He was super fun back in the day, but through all the apparent knee injuries he’s had, he was a shell of his former self for so long. Throughout his most recent run, including winning the X title and teaming with Don West, I’ve been nothing impressed with the guy. Good for him, and I’m glad he seems to be a lot healthier.

The show is off to a fun start, with Red retaining in an exciting, though somewhat contrived, finish.

The Amazing Red Over Homicide Following A Top Rope Code Red.
Segment 3 – TNA Knockouts and TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championships – O(Overbearing)D(Devious)B(Bookshelf) © and The Canadian Cockteases (Taylor Wilde and Sarita) © vs. The Beautiful (Asses) PEOPLE.

Cewsh: Okay, the idea behind this match, God help us, is that if any member of the Beautiful People pin any member of the other team, they get that title. So if Velvet Sky pins ODB, she becomes the new Knockouts Champion, but if she pins Taylor Wilde, she, and conceivably the partner of her choosing, become the tag champs. Make sense? Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either, but let’s just appreciate that they held all of this bullshit to one match instead of spreading it into two.

These girls put together a match that elicits the wonderful “You can’t wrestle” chant from the crowd, and a chorus of yawns from me. I know that these women can put together a watchable match. I KNOW that they can. I’ve seen most of them do it. And yet this will get tossed on the pile of uninspiring, forgettable, matches that are burying the Knockouts and have been for the latter half of this year.

Sorry ladies. Cewsh Reviews only rewards mediocrity when we find you attractive. It’s a crazy double standard, but hey, it works for us.

50 out of 100.

Vice: Velvet Sky is so, so very fucking hot.

Even She Can’t Help But Stare At Them.

Third Girl is starting to grow on me. Zyphlin told me her name, but I already forgot it. The match itself is nothing to write home about, but there was enough eye candy in the ring to make it fairly harmless. Plus, the fans fucking DESPISE Lacey, who I really don’t think fits in at all. It is great. Someone on the hard camera side had a sign that said “Lacey Von Botch”, which made me giggle quite a bit. And whenever she’d get in the ring, the fans would utterly destroy her with “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE!” chants. It was enjoyable.

Oh, plus the pizza arrived during this match, which obviously improved things drastically.

The Three Amigettes Over The Beautiful Jobbers Following A TKO From ODB To Somebody.
Segment 4 – Lames Bond Strikes Again.

Cewsh: Oddly enough, despite my devastatingly witty segment header, I kind of like Nige…Desmond Wolfe. The man looks fucking good in a suit, and looks oddly comfortable in the middle of the big production of TNA considering that he was having a conversation in the parking lot of an indoor soccer field with the staff of Cewsh Reviews only a few months ago. Here, he uses several potential catchphrases (Cewsh Tip: Wolf puns aplenty) to explain how he’s going to destroy Kurt Angle tonight, and how that will be Desomnd Wolfe 101. Which leads me to belief that Desomnd Wolfe is one fuck of an advanced class if beating Kurt Angle in a wrestling match is day fucking 1. What the shit is day 2? Arm wrestling a mountain lion? Let me know how that goes.

Wanker. (Good catchphrase).

Segment 5 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – The British (Lame Bonds, All Of Them!) Invasion © vs. (Root) Beer Money Inc. vs. The Motor City (Requires All Citizens To Carry) Machine Guns.

Cewsh: This is a standard match between three tag teams. The idea is that only two men can be legal at any given time, but any legal man can tag anybody into the match other than the teammate of the other legal man. So if James Storm and Brutus Magnus are legal, Storm can tag in the Guns or his partner, Robert Roode, but not Doug Williams, but that wouldn’t make any fucking sense. Not that any of it does if you break it down that far, but suspension of disbelief is very important boys and girls. We’re here to enjoy some rasslin’.

The match starts off, and it doesn’t take long for things to break down into a sort of controlled chaos, with people flying all over the ring regardless of who the legal man is, beating up everybody else, until it sort of shifts to Beer Money and The Guns against The British Invasion. There are some arguments over which team is actually going to beat them, but nothing too bad until our TNA Legends Champions, Eric Young, comes strolling to ringside. He pulls James Storm off of the apron to give his team a leg up, but before he can do more, Kevin Nash shows up. The Big Man grabs the Legends title back from Young, and then, mildly out of character, drills Storm in the back of the head with it, before wandering off.

Back inside the ring, Roode begins to realize that he’s been screwed here, but its too late. He turns into a Bloody Hart Attack (Top Rope Elbow Stirke On A Suspended Opponent) from the Brits, and that’s all she wrote. I’m not entirely sure where the Guns were during all of this, but I’m sure there were probably rather annoyed at this turn of events, to say nothing of how peeved Beer Money surely was, but in the end, it’s the Brits who get their hands raised at the end of this very good match.

This was one of those rare matches where there really aren’t any bad outcomes. All three of these teams are fantastic in their individual ways, and the British Invasion especially have come into their own as the heel team that the division has badly needed since Beer Money turned face. Together, these three teams gave us something fun, if not truly great, and any combination of the three is welcome to mix it up anytime as far as I’m concerned.

74 out of 100.

Vice: I’m still astonished by how quickly Brutus Magnus went from laughable Gladiator who transformed into generic indy wrestler to a legitimately great talent with a ton of character, presence, and skills. I really am curious though, if you were to punch him while he does his head waggle taunt.. will a star pop out over his head, or would it possibly be a one hit knockout? Who knows. I should pay Jeff King to punch him. And then bear hug him.

This was a fairly typical TNA multi-man match. There’s a lot of teamwork from a number of people, and they’re pretty enjoyable for the most part.

The most fascinating thing about this match was the complete disappearance of the Motor City Machine Guns at the end. Sabin goes for a plancha to the outside of the ring, but completely crashes and burns. Shelley, moments later, gets drilled with a disgusting German suplex and rolls to the outside of the ring. That’s the last time they are seen or even mentioned, aside from the replays at the end of the match. No camera shots of them dead on the floor, no commentary like “hey, where are the Guns???”. They were gone. The cameras should have at least gotten some shots of them laying on the ground after the match was over, or showed them getting back to their feet or walking to the back or something. I think it was Lance Storm that said it, or maybe he was quoting some other wrestler, but someone said that in wrestling matches, if you are out of sight, you are out of mind, and that people will completely forget about someone if they aren’t shown or mentioned. This was so very true. I think it was Zyphlin that said “….what happened to the Guns?”, and then it hit me that I completely forgot they were ever in the match.

We must find them!

The British Invasion Over Everyone Else Following A Bloody Hart Attack.
Segment 6 – Kevin Nash Hulks Up. Also, The Best Promo Of The Year.

Cewsh: Jeremy Borash is backstage asking Kevin Nash why he laid out James Storm and took Eric Young’s title belt the way that he did. After absolutely pwning Borash with the best your mom joke i’ve heard so far today, Nash runs through a diatribe about how he did it for Hulk Hogan, and Hulk will know what is up, and that he, Nash, will tell everyone, but only if Hulk says it’s okay. He punctuates that with several more “Hulk!”s and a few “We did it!”s, leaving both Borash and I thoroughly confused.


Hell, confused or not, I’ll damn sure be watching Impact this week. Because Kevin Nash is a golden god and the man can frankly do no wrong. Interview of the year.

Vice: HULK.

Kevin Nash is so awesome. That’s all that needs to be said.

Segment 7 – Six Sides of Steel Match – (In) Tara(bly Good Shape For Her Age) vs. (I Have An) Awesome (Dong) Kong.

Cewsh: The backstory behind this match is that, after a long, long time of taking orders from her, Kong finally got rid of Raisha Saide, and has been on a path of destruction ever since, just demolishing every woman who was unfortunate enough to find herself in Kong’s path. Except one. Tara stood up to Kong and was not afraid, and it drove Kong crazy, so now Kong wants to destroy her just to prove that she can, and Tara wants to withstand Kong’s onslaught to prove that she’s the dominant female in TNA. Additionally to that, this is apparently something of a dream match amongst the fans of women’s wrestling, so all around what you have here is a very important match for both the show and the Knockouts division as a whole.

The match starts off with no feeling out process whatsoever, as we get right down to the business of Kong kicking the ever loving shit out of the unsuspecting Tara. I told Vice going into this match, that I wished that we could get a return to the Killer Kong of a few years ago, and that is exactly what I received here as Kong bashed Tara’s brains in with ruthless efficiency. Some of the moves that Kong did to Tara were so vicious I actually had to rewind and laugh in disbelief. From splashing her full speed into the cage, to giant swinging her face first into the cage, to suplexing her into the steel and just dropping her nonchalantly right on her head, this match made Kong look like such a badass and Tara look like such a survivor that both women were bound to come out smelling like roses (and blood) regardless of which one got the win.

Someone did have to win, though, and it took a powerbomb, and a splash off the top of the cage for Tara to keep Kong down for even three seconds, , granting us one of the hotter and more unexpected finishes to a women’s match in recent memory. Then Tara wanders around like a misplaced cokewhore, but that’s irrelevant. The match here was utterly terrific, and deserves as much praise as can be heaped on it. It wasn’t perfect and it wasn’t a masterpiece, but I really wouldn’t change anything. This is what women’s wrestling ought to be. Hell, this is how wrestling ought to be. Here’s hoping they learn from it.

80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: When I first saw this match I thought it was pretty good. After thinking about it, it was pretty fucking awesome. And that’s not “pretty fucking awesome by women’s standards. Pretty fucking awesome in general. There was just a lot of good work from both women here. Some great psychology, some good brutality, and some awesome spots. Tara is still a really good worker, and Awesome Kong is AWESOME like her name states.

Seriously, Tara powerbombing the shit out of Kong was a spectacle of a spot. It just looked so great. Plus the cage dive to top things off was pretty amazing as well, even if it wasn’t the very top of the cage. You could really tell that both of them were putting in 110% in this match and it really paid off, giving us a very entertaining match.

The post-match stuff was a bit interesting. I liked the idea of Tara being interviewed right after the match due to the accomplishment of soundly defeating Kong inside of a cage, but Tara just sounded so awful on the mic. I’m not sure if she was knocked a bit loopy during the match, was genuinely emotional, or injected some heroine on the way from the cage to the ramp. It was just nonsense. I’m not sure if it’s awkward enough to laugh at, or if I should just raise an eyebrow and carry on with my day.

Possible Drug Addict.

Tara Over Awesome Kong Following A Splash Off The Cage.
Segment 8 – Team 3D(ollars Worth of Doughnuts) and (Current Jiffy Lube Employee) Rhino vs. D’Angelo (Deserves Lots Of) Dinero, Hernan(MAN)dez, and Matt (Boring Name) Morgan.

Cewsh: This is one of the best six man matches I’ve ever seen.

I know. Bear with me on this one.

Going into this match, the idea was that Rhino was floating conspiracy theories about TNA favoring the young guys over the veterans like himself and Team 3D. Team 3D resisted the idea for awhile, before slowly starting to buy into it, before they finally turned against the young uns altogether, leading to a little feud between those three and Morgan and Hernandez. For this match though, very unexpectedly D’Angelo Dinero showed up and declared himself the 3rd member of the young men’s team, much to the chagrin of his newfound partners. Now he has to prove himself to them, and Rhino has to prove that his team has worth in the new era of youth.

I know what you’re thinking. “Cewsh, you’re lavishing praise on a Rhino and Team 3D match? Have you lost your blubbercunting mind?” First of all, I appreciate you using our curse word. Second of all, yes I am complimenting a Rhino and Team 3D match, and I’ll tell you why. Its good. Its way too good for the people involved, but there it is. Morgan and Hernandez play their parts as the big bruisers that can’t be stopped except by trickery, Team 3d play their roles as the wiley veterans who aren’t afraid to cheat for the first time in ages, and Rhino plays the crazy madman pulling the strings in a way I didn’t think he was capable of. But the real star here is D’Angelo Dinero, who steals every glimmer of light in the room with his every movement in a way I haven’t seen since the Rock. He is in complete control of the crowd, the match, and himself and he’s a joy to watch perform.

I know you may still be reeling from the shock of much approval of this match, but don’t let the names in the header scare you off. This truly is a great match, and absolutely perfect for what it was. Frankly, I wish it had been longer. Now duck before those pigs collide with you in midair.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: While watching this, I thought about what I would do with Rhino to make him not fucking suck. Yes, I know that climbing Kilimanjaro would most likely be an easier task, but I think I’ve got the solution. Rhino needs to become a Major Modern General.

(Vice Has Weird Taste.)

The song kicks in around the 30 second mark. That should totally be his entrance music, and hell, maybe he should squash people while the song still plays. He can dress up like a doof and act really smart. I think he could do it. It’d be so amazingly bad that it could be great.

Other ideas tossed around were that SuperMex needs a cape because how can you be super if you don’t have a cape? So he should clearly raid Super Eric’s dressing room (yes he’s still around, lurking in the shadows… of his dressing room) and steal his cape. But the one he’d wear would be specially made, and much smaller. So it’d be like, well, a really small, cute cape on a hulking behemoth.

Team 3D needs to split up. D’von would team up with Dinero, not just because they are black, but because D’von once did that whole reverend nonsense in WWE and he could do it with Dinero as a team. And also because they are black, so it’s best to lump them into a group and call them something like the Nation of Domination. Bubba needs to feud with them. With D’von, he’s pissed off that his partner left. With Dinero, they will feud over who is the bigger pimp while Bubba eats cameras.

Anyway, this match is so incredibly lopsided when you look at the talent on each side. I mean seriously, on one side you have Hernandez, The Pope, and MATT MORGAN. On the other side, you have Team 3D. And Rhino. Team 3D can be good, but their good performances are very few and far between.

The match wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been, and wasn’t nearly as good as it could have been. It was just kind of there for me. Far from offensive, but definitely a lower point of the show so far. But the Tara/Kong match is a tough match to follow.

Rhino’s Old Timers Over Dinero’s Pimpin’ Pimps Following A Gore.
Segment 9 – Big Poppa Pipe.

Cewsh: Scott Steiner is backstage with Lauren and he waxes poetic on his heroic attempt at establishing a brotherly connection with Bobby Lashley, refusing to let anything stand in the way of informing his newfound friend or the infidelity of his unfaithful wife. Of course, that unfaithfulness occurred with Steiner himself, according to Steiner, so it may not count, but all the same, Steiner goes on one of his famous tangents about how he’s broken Wilt Chamberlain’s sex record, and how Lashley can’t satisfy his wife, and compared the legitimacy of some types of muscle growth and others.

A very educational lecture from doctor Steiner. All conducted while holding a rather large pipe. Think that’s easy? Try it sometime, blubbercunt.

Good Pipe.


Segment 10 – Street Fight – Bobby (Awesome Man) Lashley vs. Scott (Captain Awesome-O) Steiner.

Vice: Steiner has Kristal’s face on his crotch, which is just all kinds of awesome, even if Rick Rude did it like 20 years ago.

You’re Better Off Not Being Able To See It Clearly.

This match starts as Lashley is heading down to the ring. I would have loved it if he had held out his hand as Steiner was charging and yelled TIME OUT, leading Steiner to stop and stare. Then Lashley would jump up on the ring apron and do his taunt, then jump back down, go back to exactly where he was with Steiner and yell TIME IN. Buut, I guess that wouldn’t make a heck of a lot of sense in this case. But I’d love it if some ridiculous heel did it one time.

The best thing about this match were all the delayed hits. Lashley would hold a chair up, Steiner would look up with a deer in headlights expression, then WHACK. Also I enjoy how half the Impact Zone is just some random deserted, destructible playground of random weapons, toys and gadgets just laying around for when there’s a street fight.

I wasn’t feeling this match at all, and the Impact Zone was kinda blah about it as well. The ending was a bit sudden, but Lashley did take a nasty looking pipe to the head. Steiner, in his backstage promo, had an even thicker, heavier pipe, but he threw it on the ground. Then he wins this match with a pipe. Shouldn’t he have just taken his giant pipe to the ring at the very beginning of the match and just clocked Lashley as he was running down the ramp? But I guess some people would be pissed off about how the match was over before it even really began.

Totally surprised to see Steiner pick up the win here, but I like it. A lot. He comes out looking awesome and builds heat for a rematch. Heat that just wouldn’t really be there had Lashley won this match. Oh, and Bobby, you just got your skull shattered in twain by a pipe. Please sell it beyond just looking really angry, okay? Ta.

Cewsh: What is there to say about a match between two collegiate amateur wrestling stars who made it all the way up through the ranks of professional wrestling to meet for the first time in a match built around one’s desire to nail the other’s wife. Only in pro wrestling, man.

The match begins, ends, and exists in between with these two brawling all over the arena. Lashley isn’t a great, or even particularly good, brawler, so this doesn’t exactly play to his strengths, but Steiner leads him through and they have themselves a decent match. There are some notable botches, like Steiner almost faceplanting while doing a top rope Frankensteiner, and these two pretty clearly have next to no chemistry in the ring together, but it wasn’t too bad, and they kept it entertaining until Steiner’s surprising victory out of nowhere.

I’m kind of mixed on how the feud is going to continue. I love Lashley getting a chance to develop some personality, and I adore Scott Steiner more than words can express, but this whole storyline is extremely strange, even aside from the overtones of rape that are present at this point. Steiner wants to tell Lashley that he and Kristal have been having an affair, but gets it wrong because he’s, well, Scott Steiner. But if that’s true, and Steiner seems VERY sure, going so far as to say “Look what color your baby’s eyes are!” while being choked by Lashley, then Lashley is pretty much going to look like a clown, and his real life wife is going to, what, manage Scott Steiner? And if its NOT true, then Scott Steiner is not only insane, but he’s also chosen about the randomest thing imaginable to start a fight with some guy about, when usually just not being Scott Steiner seems to be enough reason.

Ah well, regardless of where it goes, I hope their matches from here on protect both men’s weaknesses better than this one did.

61 out of 100.

Scott Steiner Over Bobby Lashley Following A Foreign Object Shot.
Segment 11 – Kurt Angle Makes Ni…Desmond Wolfe His Prison Bitch.

Cewsh: Kurt cuts a promo backstage about how N…Desmond Wolfe is operating under prison yard rules, of going after the biggest, baddest guy in the yard, and taking him out to gain respect. Kurt doesn’t seem overly phased by this, and indeed, ends the interview by calling Nigel (fuck!) “Meat”.

I’ve never been an enormous Nigel McGuiness/Desmond Wolfe fan (though I did love his match against Naomichi Marufuji for the GHC Heavyweight Championship a few years ago), but if anything is going to sell me on the guy, its putting him up against Kurt Angle and being given the keys to the show. Fuck, I’m excited.

Segment 12 – Kurt (The Best Wrestler In The World) Angle vs. Desmond (Apparently Hungry Like The) Wolfe.

Cewsh: For those of us who don’t view this as some kind of dream match handed down by the gods, the backstory here is that Desmond Wolfe debuted in TNA by targeting and injuring Kurt Angle with his dangerous kill move, The Jawbreaker Lariat. Wolfe made a point to state that he had every intention of taking Angle out and replacing him atop the company, and that he had studied and followed Angle for years, so Angle couldn’t possibly win. Angle, naturally, didn’t take well to all of this, and they meet here for the first time in a true match to see who is the better man.

The match starts off as a feeling out process with Desmond in complete control. Desmond’s study of Angle, and Angle’s clear lack of any idea who the fuck this guy is make for smooth sailing for Desmond early on, as he reverses all of Angle’s signature offense, and goes right after the arm of Kurt Angle, to weaken his ability to defend himself. The start here is good, though clearly a slow burn to lead to the finish, but within 12 seconds of the bell ringing, chants like “This Is Awesome” and “This is Wrestling” start getting equal play amongst the crowd. You would think that this kind of insane jumping the gun would mean that the crowd was white hot for this match, but that wasn’t actually true until near the end. These fans were popping for the wrestlers involved, not the match.

Which is a shame, because as the match goes on, it becomes very clear that they have something very special going on here. Wolfe does a great job of grounding Kurt Angle, and forcing Angle to have to try different moves he wouldn’t normally use to get back in the match, throwing Angle completely off of his game. Finally, though, Kurt fights Desmond to a standstill with a barrage including 6 (!) German suplexs in a row, and they start trading finishers like they were Pokemon cards, with both men refusing to stay down no matter what they get with with or trapped in. Both men have a million counters for the other, so what we have is a total stalemate as the minutes tick by and both men start dropping bombs on one another, and taking every possible chance to lock the other into a match winning submission hold. Finally, after a million attempts to make good on the Ankle Lock, Kurt Angle locks in a completely unexpected submission hold, like a side triangle choke/armbar that really looked vicious, and Desmond couldn’t tap fast enough to get out of it.

I said this match was special earlier, and I meant it. Not in all of my time reviewing TNA shows have I seen another TNA match I would put on the level of this one. They found someone who could keep up with Angle, and truly wrestle the kind of match that Angle wanted to wrestle, and what you got were pure results that not only made me buy into Nigel McGuiness, but further reaffirmed my belief, that when he isn’t wrestling the nursing home crew, Kurt Angle can still be the best wrestler in the world.

87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Donwload Seal of Approval.

Vice: Okay, first off, motherfucking kudos to whoever made the video package for this match. It was very simple, but so amazingly effective. No ridiculous epic narration, no insane video effects with choirs chanting as slow motion bodies hit the floor. Just a great selection of music, slick editing, and it was kept short and sweet. For a video package for a match, I’d say it’s one of TNA’s best. And yes, Cewsh, I will go that far thank you very much.

OH MY GOD It’s Nigel “Desmond Wolfe” McGuinness up against Kurt “I fucked your mother with a broken freakin’ neck” Angle. It’s ridiculous to think that I’m seeing this match. In June, like Cewsh said, Chotliwala, Cewsh and I were chatting it up with Mr. Wolfe outside of an ROH show. Well, Chotliwala was chatting it up with him. Cewsh and I just kind of stood there awkwardly thinking “…that’s Nigel… right there… chatting with our creepy Indian friend…”. Now he is wrestling KURT ANGLE in the semi-main event. Brilliant.

I loved this match. I was deathly afraid that it was going to disappoint me, and boy did it exceed every expectation I could have possibly had. TNA gave this match a ton of time, and it paid off and made Wolfe look goddamn incredible. Also, on a side note, I have a tendency to mistype his name every time I attempt it. I always type it “Wofle”. Desmond Waffle? Yes. New TNA champ, please. Also, it was in this match that Chotliwala and I found out that Zyphlin likes to look at men’s asses. He noticed that Wolfe has scratch marks on his buttocks. ‘Cause he’s a waffle. Err.. wolf.

The story of this match was simple enough, with Wolfe, being more or less of an unknown in TNA-land and not in Angle’s radar, knowing everything there is to know about the Olympic gold medalist, without Angle knowing anything about him. So he knows exactly what Kurt is capable of, and thus can effectively predict what he will do, neutralize a lot of his offense, and can counter a ton of Angle’s signature moves.

The finish was tremendous. It’s a bit of a stalemate with both men beating the shit out of each other and neither man willing to say die, and Wolfe knowing how to escape the ankle lock. Angle realizes that Wolfe really does have him completely scouted, so he slaps on a side triangle choke for the finish, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen Angle use. It’s just awesome on so many levels. Angle had to dig deep and pull something new out of his bag of tricks, and it took that much for Angle to finish Wolfe. Triangle chokes are downright nasty moves, because if you get caught in one, especially at an angle like that, you are simply not getting out of it. Tap or pass out. Your choice. Wolfe taps out immediately, which is very smart in kayfabe land. You don’t want to be passed out around a pissed off Angle. For a number of reasons.

Wolfe looked spectacular here, as did Angle. Wolfe is going to have a hell of a future in TNA. He’s been great so far. Love it. Glad to see him doing well. Thank you TNA for giving this match a lot of time and making Wolfe look amazing.

Kurt Angle Over Desmond Wolfe Following An Armbar/Scissor Hold.

Segment 13 – There’s A Collect Call From 2005, Will You Accept The Charges?

Cewsh: Oh, who’s this on the phone? Why, its Samoa Joe, without any facepaint on, with a white towel around his shoulders, yelling about how he’s going to destroy people while making no references to any actual desire to maim or kill them.

Wait, what’s that you say? This is all happening right now, also? The old Joe is back?

It’s about fucking time. Now get out there and choke out everything with a pulse you glorious bastard.

Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – AJ (Best Wrestler In TNA Not Named Kurt Angle) Styles © vs. Christopher (Best Wrestler In TNA Not Named Kurt Angle…Too?) Daniels vs. Samoa (Err…A Three Way Tie For Second?) Joe.

Cewsh: The backstory to this match is basically the story of TNA itself. AJ has been the golden boy since the day the company opened, Daniels has been his best friend and the unheralded amazing veteran who never truly got his shot, and Samoa Joe was the bulldozer that made history by tangling with both of them and being entirely unstoppable. The last time these three mixed it up in the main event of a PPV, it was the best match in TNA history and one of the best matches in our era of wrestling history. This match has clearly been setup to herald the beginning of a new era for TNA, with the best match in their history being repeated to mark their future. These three have a truckload of hype to live up to. I couldn’t be more excited if there were free steak and blowjobs afterwards.

Vice: As if the previous match wasn’t great enough, here we have Styles vs. Joe vs. Daniels. Again. They’re billing it as the second encounter between the three, but it’s actually the fourth. Why cut back on the number of matches? It’s stupid. Sure I guess it seems more special if it’s ooooonly the second, but IV just seems so much better, especially considering that each person has won one of the matches. AJ snuck a win in the first match to win the title, Joe dominated the second one to retain the title, and Christopher Daniels snuck a win to capture the gold in the third. Actually, scratch that, II is just so much better. Ugh. Fuck it. No point in shitting on specifics when I’m getting to not only see another triple threat match with these guys, but now for the TNA World title and not just the X title.

It’s so good to see Joe back to his old persona for the most part. He’s grinning like a shithead without the facepaint. I have no complaints. Daniels still needs eyebrows and a first name. AJ is still greatness and it’s just great seeing THE belt around his waist. Another great touch were the STREAMERS being thrown. They’re seriously one of my favorite things about ROH. Not sure if they still do them, but they always add so much to the introduction. There weren’t a ton of them being thrown here, but it was enough to get me excited. Maybe they’ll catch on.

This match was just all kinds of greatness. The psychology and story was there from literally the very first punch thrown. The three are about to lock up like they did the other times, with all of them battling it out.. but Daniels hasn’t exactly had good luck in such scenarios. So what does he do? He just punches AJ right in the jaw and knocks him the fuck out. Joe has always been the big bully in these matches, so it makes sense for Daniels to take AJ out of the equation so he can tackle the big beast one on one. It’s also good because it stresses that AJ and Daniels are simply not on the same page here.

There were so many little things about this match that were great. So many references to previous matches were here. Whether it was AJ vs. Joe, AJ vs. Daniels, Daniels vs. Joe, AJ vs. Joe vs. Daniels, or whether it was TNA, ROH, IWA, or PWG. There were a billion nods and numerous repeated spots that were changed up in some way, Daniels and AJ going back to their tag team days to take down the biggest threat, all of that. Chotliwala, Zyphlin and I were wondering which move AJ would use to take out everybody on the floor, ‘cause we all knew he was going to do SOMETHING. I said I’d add one star to the match if he did the springboard shooting star, and two if he did the fosbury flop. Much to my liking, AJ finally whipped out the fosbury flop again, and I loved how he got so amazingly fired up right afterward. It’s been far too long, but it’s good that he doesn’t do it often. For one, it’s ridiculously dangerous, and two, it’s more special when he does it. Unfortunately I can’t really add up all the stars I said I’d give it while watching, ‘cause this match would probably end up being in the double digits. It definitely would have been double digits if Styles did the spiral tap.

Fuck man, this was just such a great match. I’m not sure where I’d rank this in regards to Unbreakable. I’d say that match and this are definitely #1 and #2, but not sure which is the best. Unbreakable, while many find it overrated, was so much fun. It didn’t have a ton of story, but it was so goddamn enjoyable to watch. I watched it about a week ago and still love the crap out of it. This didn’t have nearly the oh shit factor that Unbreakable did, but that’s to be expected since that was the first one. However, this one had so many awesome references, some new spots, twists on old classics, and a surprising amount of story and psychology. Shit. I’ll have to give this match a few more watches over the next few months and maybe one day I’ll be able to reach a conclusion.

I absolutely loved the finish to this match, too. It was done so smoothly, and it really pissed Daniels off. Give me a full blown AJ vs. Daniels feud for the world title, please. Iron Man III? Daniels as world champ? PLEASE? AJ, Joe and Daniels can just feud over the title for years. I don’t care. They all have great chemistry and put on spectacular matches.

What a match. What a show.

Cewsh: Vice said every word of it of the truth.

When you close your eyes and imagine the perfect TNA match, you picture high flying, crazy innovative moves and spots, and the kind of hectic, controlled chaos that TNA does better than anyone in wrestling history when they get it right. But the thing is, that if you closed your eyes and imagined that match, you wouldn’t be doing this match justice.

This match had everything, from the insane reckless flying of Styles, to the sneaky technical prowess of Daniels, to the unchecked aggression of Joe, these three elements mix together like chocolate and peanut butter to create something so much greater than the sum of its parts. These guys could go 5 years without doing this or 50, and I have no doubt that they’d deliver this kind of incredible result time after time.

Now, the big question is, was it as good as the last one, the one some guy named Meltzer gave 5 stars to several years ago? That’s a complicated question to answer. 5 years ago, these moves were more original, these wrestlers are fresher and more surprising, and the world was a different place. But if you’re asking me, personally? This is the better match. All three of these men have matured into better wrestlers since then, and even the most hectic stages of this match were tempered with a wisdom, and a knowledge of where things fit into the match that the previous one simply didn’t have.

So was this match as good as the old one? It was better. It was the best match in TNA history. And it’s not close.

94 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

AJ Styles Over Everybody Following A Springboard 450 Onto Samoa Joe.

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I don’t know where this show came from. By all accounts, despite Dixie Carter’s assurances, not THAT much has changed. It’s still the same players on the same stage acting out the same plots. But somehow this show towers so high above any efforts that TNA has ever managed before in their 8 year history, that it’s like somebody just turned the lightbulb on over their heads and suddenly out comes this astonishing product.

I mean, do you know how much it takes to make Vice mark out as hard as he did for this show? Neither do I, BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENS.

TNA has something here. They have their foot in the door of a product so innovative, so fun, and so exciting, that it wouldn’t be able to help being competition for the WWE or anybody else, for that matter. Even my trademark cynicism towards the company is being put to the side for a moment, because if they could deliver this show even once, that means they could do it again. And a TNA with shows like this happening regularly, is such a wild, unbelievable dream that I can’t even wrap my head around it yet. But if they give me the chance, I’d love to take the time to try.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 75.25 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, this was just a fantastic show. Like I said, I’m sure I’m being a bit biased because of the company I had over and actually watching it live on a TV, but still. The highs were pretty amazingly high and the lows weren’t very low at all. Just a very enjoyable experience, and not only hands down the best TNA PPV of the year, but quite possibly one of the best TNA PPVs ever. It’s incredible how different the whole feel of the company has changed from this show compared to Bound for Glory which was last month. If TNA can keep this up, it will be the best thing that has ever happened to them.

Thank you for this show, TNA.

And to all the people out there that are fans of my awards, I’d like to apologize for my main computer with all my stuff on it being blown up. Hardware failure is a bitch. It is also quite expensive. But hey, if you’re rolling around in money and are thinking about wasting it on something silly like charity, why not buy Vice a new hard drive, a stick of RAM, and possibly a new video card, and give Vice his entire life back?

Vice’s Final Score: 88 out of 100.

Alright boys and girls, that’ll do it for us this week. We hope you enjoyed our startling trip through the greatest show in TNA history, and we look forward to finding out how WWE handles being the underdog in a month for a change, as we march ahead to next week’s WWE Survivor Series 2009. They’ve got awfully big shows to fill, especially on a show seemingly cobbled out of multiman matches like some kind of Cewsh-hating Voltron. Still though, we can’t wait to dust that bad boy off and march right on through to the holidays. Until then, as always, keep reading and be good to one another.