WWE Bragging Rights 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Bragging Rights 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Iron Men (and women) of professional wrestling, Cewsh Reviews! We when last left you, TNA was putting on a show that we felt wildly different about, and WWE made sure to keep that streak going by putting on a show built upon Raw vs. Smackdown and a 1 hour Iron Man Match between John Cena and Randy Orton, here at WWE Bragging Rights 2009. Upon hearing about the Iron Man match, Vice immediately went out hunting the Midgar Zolom, so in his place, to fill the void, we’ve recruited not only Ms. Cewsh, who is back for her second week in a row, but also Sign Girl, who we’re pretty sure really needed the work. Will we all agree on what is guaranteed to be a controversial show? Will we be nice to poor Sign Girl? Will John Cena make lots of ridiculous faces? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: The video here wasn’t anything hugely special, as it spent most of the time hammering home the concept of the Bragging Rights matches and the Raw vs. Smackdown aspect to the show. The REAL video package here, the one about Cena and Orton has been playing on the shows nonstop and will probably be featured later, and it fucking fantastic. So if you average the two out, what you wind up with is pretty good.

Also, as everybody reads off their accomplishments and boasts, all Kane says is that he’s the Co-Captain of this team? You’ve done other things Kane! Set people on fire, won World titles, struck fear in the hearts of millions, yet your resume will consist of being the co-captain for Team Smackdown? Man, you need to up your ambitions.

Segment 2 – Brand Warfare – The (Show) Miz vs. John (Awesomest Awesomedude) Morrison.

Cewsh: Which one of these two guys is going to be the Marty Jannetty? Neither. Neither are.

These guys are really great. Like really great. I can’t think of two guys coming up together at the same time who have had this much potential since, fuck, Samoa Joe and CM Punk? This is the first time that they’ve had a really high profile match against each other, and I’m as interested as can be at what it is that they’re going to come up with.

This match starts off very slow for a match of this type, before picking up speed considerably as the match wears on and John Morrsion takes control of the match. Both guys trade moves back and forth for awhile, showing how well they know one another, until they start going for finishers, which neither man can seem to hit. Finally, Morrison gets Miz down and goes for the Starship Pain, only to have Miz grab his foot out from under him and send him plummeting to the ground in a heap. Miz takes advantage, grabs the quick pin out of nowhere, and puts Raw on the map for this night, 1-0.

Even though my play by play wouldn’t necessarily indicate it, there was a lot going on here, and these guys busted their asses to put on a very strong match. I agree with Ms. Cewsh that this didn’t feel like an opener, and would have outshined a lot of the rest of the show in a better slot, but what these guys put together was not only fun to watch, and compelling to follow, but a great window into the future of the WWE. If this is the future, I can’t wait until it gets here.

80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval

Ms.Cewsh: I was super hyped for this match, because I love both of these guys. Morrison’s moveset is so incredible and Miz is becoming such a great heel promo, I thought for sure this was a can’t miss opener.

It’s a great match, but I’m not sure if it’s a great opener. Miz tempers a lot of Morrison’s speed and keeps him grounded for most of the match. I’m not saying openers need to be spot-fests, but I do think they should be more fast and exciting. The match picks up speed as it goes on, particularly after Morrison’s back-flip kicky thing and again after his standing Shooting Star. The man knows how to do an impressive move. Also, I love Russian Leg Sweeps. I don’t know why, but it’s one of my favorite moves. It pleases me to see it.

The end did seem a bit abrupt. I know Morrison got dropped on his head, but it didn’t seem three count worthy. I mean he conks his head pretty hard on the outside around 12:59 and that doesn’t get a pin. It’s not a huge complaint though, nor is the speed, because I like the match. I like how much time they got. I like how they tried to elevate the match above standard opening fare. It’s a fantastic match, but I almost feel like this and the Divas should’ve switched places on the card.

80 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?



The Miz Over John Morrison Following A Crash and Burn.
Segment 3 – The Truth About Yo Daddy.

Cewsh: Backstage Cody Rhodes and R-Truth get into a little confrontation, as they both spend some time bragging about their shows, right up until Big Show shows up and plays peacemaker. And by peacemaker I mean that he stands over R-Truth and puts the fear of cheeseburgers into the poor guy.

I’m pretty sure I’d shut the fuck up if some dude came and blotted out the sun next to me too.

Segment 4 – Brand Warfare – Team Blonde (Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix and Natalya) vs. Team Great Ass (Melina, Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim).

Ms.Cewsh: How is this even fair? I mean I know Smackdown has to win this match so that the 7 on 7 actually means something, but come on! Natalia, Beth, and what’s her name against Melina, Gail, and Kelly freaking Kelly? Why don’t you just hand Smackdown the win on a silver platter? I mean Kelly’s improved by leaps and bounds, but she’s still Kelly!

Gail starts the match against Beth, who tags in Michelle, who tags in Natalia, before Gail tags out. Impressive, right? She took on all three Divas and was pretty dominant for a lot of it. Gail is in for less than 2 minutes. She does not get in the ring again. If you do watch this match, perhaps you should invest in a pair of ear plugs. My life would’ve been greatly improved by them. The vast majority of the remaining match is each Smackdown Diva beating the holy hell out of Kelly. For her part, Kelly screams. Non. Stop.

After a vicious beating, Kelly makes a desperate lunge and tags in Melina. Keep your ear plugs firmly in, darlings, because Melina proceeds to shriek for the remainder of this contest. Despite her ear piercing war cry, Melina vs. Beth is actually a good match. Melina continues to impress me with her flexibility. Beth, reinvigorated by a fresh crop of Divas to beat, continues to look inhumanly dominant. I wish they’d gotten more time, because it wasn’t just good for a Divas match. It was good. And that’s the second time I’ve had to say that about Melina.

66 out of 100

Cewsh: Meh. It was fine for a Divas match.

In fact it was pretty good for a Divas match.

I still wasn’t impressed.

68 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

Team Smackdown Over Team Raw Following The Glam Slam From Beth To Melina.
Segment 5 – Triple H: The Motivational Speaker?

Cewsh: Team Raw is in the locker room, worried about their deficit in the Brand Warfare, so Triple H rallies the troops by reminding them of how much they all hate him. While this is a questionable tactic, its also incredibly hilarious, as they rip on everything from Kofi’s fake Jamaicaness to things they’ve shoved up Big Show’s ass to the time Mark Henry almost gave birth to a hand. Inspired by all of this, they charge out of the locker room to go get them some Smackdown.

This is a great example of how to get ideas like this over. There are heels and faces here, but in one month, with no real backstory supporting it, they’ve convinced me that all of these guys (well, except maybe one…) would rather work with their worst enemies than have their show lose this PPV. Just great, great stuff in every way. If things keep going this way, I hope DX stays together forever.

Segment 6 – World Heavyweight Championship – The (Ice Cream Maker) Undertaker © vs. CM (Cures Malaria) Punk vs. Rey (The Littlest Overdog) Mysterio vs. Bat(shit Insane)ista.

Ms.Cewsh: Ms.Cewsh + Undertaker + Batista – Vodka = Tragically low score, right?

Well, normally yes. Except, um no. This match is, well it’s…um.

It’s good! OK, it’s good! You got me to say it. I really, really enjoyed an Undertaker match. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Four Ways are generally pretty boring and oddly paced, usually with two guys milling about, not doing anything, while the other two battle it out in the ring. If you’re going to do that, why not just do a tag match? Apparently someone realized this, because that’s not the case at ALL.

Sure, there’s usually someone knocked out on the outside at any time, but there’s a lot more strategy and story. The story, of course, is Rey and Batista and how will their friendship affect their ability to be rivals in a match, yadda yadda yadda. Really, the end can be seen coming from space, but it’s still fun to watch it get there.

Punk looks amazing, manhandling Rey, breaking up pins, flying around at a million miles an hour, and eating finishers. I’ve been kind of skeptical of the new, smaller, main eventers they’re favoring, but he’s really proving me wrong. Speaking of finishers, do we miss any? It really gives the match an exciting, unpredictable feel. Even though Taker retains, everyone looks strong and gets a nice moment.

88 out of 100

Cewsh: I’m with Ms. Cewsh on this one, I usually hate Four Way matches. They tend to be cluttered, they never seem to have any meat to them, and instead rely on just having a bunch of moves get done, followed by somebody else breaking up the pin.

Funnily enough, that’s exactly what happened here too. The difference is that they just threw off the brakes on this one and went full bore at about a million miles per hour from start to finish, and while they were doing it they still managed to tell a story that not only worked, but its was legitimately compelling. You have Mysterio and Batista who are best friends and are trying to figure out how to have this match and not step on each others’ toes. You have the Undertaker being, well, the Undertaker, and you have CM Punk generally being a cocky little shit who tries to take advantage of every situation, and is very, very good at it.

As the match goes on it becomes exactly what matches like this are supposed to become. Organized chaos. Everyone is hitting finishers. Every move is followed by another, cooler move, and the whole time alliances are forming and dying and everything culminates with Batista hitting the Batista Bomb on the Undertaker, which is broken up by Mysterio, who goes for the pin himself. Then he and Batista have an argument and Batista turns into a Tombstone. Game over.

I can’t say enough about this match. It was fast paced, it was fun, and it made sense from start to finish. It was absolutely ideal.

84 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

The Undertaker Over Everyone Else Following The Tombstone On Batista.
Post Match:

Cewsh: After the match, Batista gets pissed the fuck off. Mysterio is interviewed by Josh Matthews and he says over and over how he and his buddy, Batista, were close and that they’ll pull it off next time. Batista, however, doesn’t seem in anywhere so stable a state of mind, takes the mic and informs Rey that he is sick of losing because of Rey, informs him that he’s “not playing”, that he’s going to “rip [Rey’s] head off”, and proceeds to do just that with a nasty fucking clothesline. Then, outside the ring, he starts choking Rey on the ring apron as Rey begs for Batista not to do this and to relax, which Batista absolutely does NOT do, and Batista absolutely trashes him into the barricade and takes the time to kick him in the face again before he leaves.

Heel Batista, huh? Yeah, I can get into that. Definitely.

Ms. Cewsh: The whole interview doesn’t make any sense if someone’s NOT turning; otherwise, why wouldn’t Josh Matthews let them get to the locker room? Have we EVER interviewed losers in the middle of the ring immediately post match before? Rey’s speech is really overwrought, making him seem more like Batista’s bitch, than his buddy. It got to the point where I was expecting Rey to offer make-up steak and blowjobs.

I can’t find any fault with what happens next in ring. Batista totally snaps, looks great and crazy and badass. Rey’s pleading is top-notch, (again, overwrought, but this time it’s justifiable.) No, I’m going to have to complain about fans cheering the heel. AGAIN. I expect this kind of thing from TNA, but you WWE? I’m ashamed of you.

Segment 7 – Hmm, I WAS Wondering What A Bunch Of Random People Thought Was Going To Happen.

Cewsh: They go outside before the show to ask a bunch of people who they think will win the brand supremacy match, and get them all to chant for one side or the other in a way that, again, reflects how big they’ve made this match in a very short time. The really important thing here, though, is that apparently some guy has spent his whole life under the misunderstanding that Chris Jericho and Sid Vicious are the same person, as he calls him one of Sid’s catchphrases in the only mic time he will ever get, ever.

Not the best first impression really. I wouldn’t want Sid mad at me, I know that much.

Segment 8 – Brand Warfare – Team The Live Show (DX, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry and The Big Show) vs. Team The One My Cable Company Won’t Show (Chris Jericho, Kane, Matt Hardy, Finlay, R-Truth, and the Hart Dynasty).

Cewsh: With the 2 Brand Warfare matches to this point split between Raw and Smackdown, it’s all down to this complete clusterfuck of a match to determine which show is going to be named the superior show for 2009. This is probably the biggest tag team match I’ve ever seen, and on the surface it doesn’t seem to make a ton of sense to have SO MANY dudes in the ring at the same time and not even have it be an elimination style match, but who knows? This match could be awesome.

The match gets started with all of the guys on their respective sides, which are very awesomely separated by the ropes and turnbuckles being either Red or Blue split in half down the middle of the ring. That, along with the trophy that will go to the winner really contributes to making this match seem really important. The match itself doesn’t exactly do that, though, as this match is basically just a bunch of moves performed one after the other. There really isn’t much else you CAN do with this many people in the ring, and in no time, the ring is somehow empty of 11 of the participants, leaving Big Show and Kofi to try to launch a move from the top rope on Jericho, which goes slightly awry for Kofi when Show chokeslams him halfway through the ring, punches a protesting Triple H right in the face and then leaves the arena, as Jericho crawls over and scoops up the easy win. Then the Smackdown Team parades the trophy around like it’s the Stanley Cup and King does his best emo impression about losing.

It makes sense for Big Show to turn on his team, otherwise what sense did it make for him even to be on it? But the impact would probably have been a lot stronger if this ending didn’t come kind of out of nowhere at the end of what ultimately turned out to be a filler match. I wish there had been more to it, but I guess it served its purpose.

65 out of 100

Ms.Cewsh: Crap, this show had so much potential to this point. The match is a clusterfuck. There’s no reason we need this many people in this match. Seriously, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, and the Hart Dynasty all could’ve been cut and the match would only have improved.

Let’s fast forward to the end: Big Show already did this once! He turned on Raw and joined ECW in the Battle Royal at Head to Head in ’06! Mark Henry was in that match too! How, at no point, did he not turn to DX and say, “Hey, isn’t he partners with the co-captain of Smackdown, and kind of known for turning on his team? Maybe we shouldn’t put him in for the big finale.”

61 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?


Team Smackdown Over Team Raw Following A Doublecross.
Segment 9 – Cody Rhodes Is Short Sighted.

Cewsh: Kofi Kingston is walked painfully down a hallway when Cody Rhodes randomly decides to lay into him for being the loser of their match. A scuffle ensues, and Kofi finds himself being painted on the wall. So, essentially, immediately before a match he’ll almost certainly play a part in, Rhodes has instigated a reason for someone to enter on Cena’s behalf?

I don’t know if that was the best idea man. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it’s a fucking TERRIBLE idea.

Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – No Disqualification Iron Man Match- Randy (Ms. Cewsh Hopes So) Orton (c) vs. John (If He Wins,We Diet) Cena.

Cewsh: Alright, we’ve covered only one Iron man match before, and that one was only 30 minutes long, so let me explain the format here. We will progress through the match and pick out particular points in time to comment on. We’ll both comment on them as they happen, to sort of tell the story of the match as it unfolds, because actual play by play would be so long, that you’d still be reading by the time these two start feuding again. To those of you who are entirely unfamiliar with Iron man matches themselves, the idea is that these guys will wrestle for one complete hour and whoever has the most falls at the end of it is the winner. Falls count by pinning your opponent or causing him to submit, but this is a No Disqualification match, so there aren’t going to be any count outs or DQs. Every time a fall occurs, they get a 30 second rest period, after which, the clock starts up again.

Everyone clear on all of that? Alright, let’s do this crazy thing.

60:00


Ms.Cewsh: The lead up video to this match is truly excellent. This feud’s gotten kind of stale, so seeing it strung together in a really dramatic way makes it feel like a great rivalry. Getting to the ring could have been quicker. I know it’s Randy’s heel thing that he walks real slow but even Cena just kind of meandered in. I already have to watch you two for an hour, do I really need to watch you for an extra 20 minutes?

Cewsh: Both men come to the ring in their usual way, and Orton reminds me of a clever joke I heard from my friend atnumbers (shout out!), that if they were to ring the bell before his entrance starts, they’d only have to wrestle for half an hour. So amusing, and so, so true. But hey, sexy takes its time. Rule of life. There is a definite big fight feel in the air here on this night. The fans are buzzing, Cena and Orton have their serious faces on, and nobody has any idea what to expect.

56:07


Cewsh: After a lot of getting his ass kicked, Cena slaps on the STF out of nowhere, causing Orton to tap out instantly. At first I thought it was ridiculous for Orton to tap out so quickly, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Orton has a ton of time left to make up the fall, and his chances will be much better in the long term if Cena doesn’t choke him half to death 5 minutes into the match. So he taps out quickly to preserve himself, and Cena earns the first fall of the contest.

Ms.Cewsh: Stupid Cena. Stupid fucking Cena. Kick him in the head. Why would Randy tap? Why?! The STF wasn’t even fully locked in! And don’t give me any of that “Oh, well he was conserving energy,” crap, because if he WAS, maybe that’s something the announcers should have mentioned, instead of letting King pratter on about “Well in this type of match, you really need to get the most pinfalls or submissions.” Noooooooooooooooo? You don’t say?! Idiot.

Cena: 1
Orton: 0
51:07

Ms.Orton: Orton doesn’t take kindly to being tapped and proceeds to beat the shit out of Cena, culminating in choking him out for about three minutes. Of course this is John Fucking Cena, he doesn’t need pesky things like oxygen or selling! Fucking tosser.

Cewsh: John Cena gets Orton down and goes for the 5 Kunckle Shuffle, causing Ms. Cewsh to froth with rage. However, instead of a weak looking fist drop, he proceeds to get the beejesus RKO’d out of him, as Randy Orton evens the score, proving that Cena’s not the only one who can no sell and hit finishers out of nowhere. Now we have ourselves a match.

Ms.Orton: Of course, the RKO would’ve been a hell of a lot cooler if the camera had been anywhere near them until Randy was already mid-move.

Cena: 1
Orton: 1
46:52


Cewsh: After being hit with a monitor (which is coming out of your paycheck Mr. Orton!) and getting smacked upside his biscuit head with the world’s sharpest microphone, John Cena is busted the fuck open the hard way, and is bleeding all over the place. The ref and the trainer at ringside tries to convince him to let them tend to him, but instead he Hulks up and knocks the shit out of Orton for awhile, before Orton turn the tables on him (again) and gets himself covered in enough of Cena’s plasma to feed Twilight role players for a lifetime.

Ms.Orton: How do you do that! Fucking! Ass! Rawr! I don’t know enough swear words for how much I hate you!

43:13


Ms.Orton: Orton’s stomp on Cena’s head on the stairs at ~ 45:30 is cringe worthily awesome. Jesus Christ.

What’s up with the announcers and vintage tonight? First vintage Bragging Rights, (it’s the first one you morons,) and now vintage Cena? It’s such an odd word to decide to repeat all the time.

Cewsh: After finally turning the tables on Orton, Cena hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, apparently because he doesn’t learn, hoists Orton up for the Attitude Adjustment, and is promptly RKO’d right out of it in one of the coolest moves that I’ve ever seen. However, since the Attitude Adjustment happened anyway, and Orton just hit the RKO ALSO, both men are down, and just happen to have an arm draped over the other. The ref knows how this tune is played and counts the three count, meaning that they BOTH win the fall.


Cewsh: Fuck, that move was rocking.

Ms.Orton: Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. (And contrived, and therefore obnoxious, but shhh…) The rest period and the counter update come way later than it does for all the other falls, so for a good 30 seconds, I thought they decided not to give a fall to either guy.

Cena: 2
Orton: 2
41:00


Cewsh: Unfazed by an awesome looking move, Orton charges Cena immediately after the rest period is over, which turns out to be a pretty shitty idea, since Cena just grabs him, puts him on the top rope, and with his tongue sticking out like Michael Jordan, Super Attitude Adjustments him out of his shoes, grabbing up another fall. The tortoise and the hare, Randy. The tortoise and the goddamn hare.

Cena: 3
Orton: 2
39:44


Ms.Orton: Legacy runs down to the ring to help out Orton. The ref doesn’t seem very happy about this turn of events, and nicely asks them if they wouldn’t mind vacating the premises. Dibiase, finding the ref to be such a kindly fellow, complies without argument. Oh wait, no. Dibiase hits Dream Street on Cena and does everything short of covering him himself to ensure that Randy gets a fall. It’s a welcome interlude, because Legacy are awesome. I wish they got more involved in the rest of the match, but that meddling Jamaican had to get involved.

Cewsh: The funny thing is that this is all possible because, even though Orton is the world’s most evil prick, he has friends, and Cena, despite being a heck of a nice guy, has made absolutely no friends in all his years in the WWE. Seriously, not one. I mean arguably he nailed Mickie that one time, but I don’t think that’s particularly applicable here. If the man had made some damn friends…oh wait, that meddling Jamaican comes running out to foil all of our wonderful plans, just like Ms. Cewsh…err, I mean Ms. Orton said. Not because he likes Cena, but because he’s pissed at Rhodes. So basically, Cena still has no friends, aside from Lady Luck, who he apparently nails on a nightly basis.

Cena: 3
Orton: 3
35:15


Cewsh: After fighting to the stage area, Orton starts wantonly bashing John Cena’s face into objects around the arena, until he gets to a box with a bunch of buttons on it (a real one, not, as I’m sure you imagined, a cardboard box with buttons drawn on it). He slams Cena’s head into it, detonating pyro in the middle of the stage. After Orton takes a moment to clean himself up from the terror, he decides to take out his moment of weakness on Cena, by grabbing him and ramming him full force into the electrified set. Somewhat anticlimactically, Orton gets the pin and takes the lead.

Ms.Orton: I may sound negative, but this match is very enjoyable, and after Orton really takes control, dragging Cena off to the stage, it gets really good. I really like the visual of someone going through a light. I know it’s just pyro, but it’s such a cool shot.

Cena: 3
Orton: 4


32:28


Cewsh: Orton, enthralled by the idea of being able to blow things up without even having to invoke the power of Greyskull, experiments with the explosions a few times, and then, being the dastardly villain he is, decides to BLOW JOHN CENA THE FUCK UP. Not having any problem with this, apparently, the referee watches as Orton nails Cena a few times with a chair and positions him perfectly where the explosions have been happening. Then Orton comes back and NOW the ref decides to get in his face. Or to say that he’s awesome and number one, if you look at the picture, its kind of hard to tell how hard he’s actually trying, to stop Randy from killing another human being. Not to mention the production guy who could just, you know, unplug the damn board.

Anyway, Orton presses the button, it doesn’t work. He goes insane and starts slamming on EVERY button and the explosion goes off, but Cena had rolled away just in time.

Ms.Orton: “I’m telling you no!” – the ref

That’s effective, right there. I mean there’s nothing illegal match-wise about blowing up your opponent. I believe a few state and federal lines may be crossed, but ehh. When has that ever stopped the WWE?

Cewsh: Sorry Randy, it wouldn’t have worked for Wile E. Coyote either.

27:18


Cewsh: All is starting to look lost for our intrepid hero, Mr. Cena (Cewsh Note: Not Ms. Cewsh or Vice’s hero), when he jumps up, grabs a small package on Orton and holds on for the three count. Now I’m not saying Cena’s no selling is starting to bother me, lots of people do this very thing with small packages. But maybe I would admit that it’s getting a little silly to see him pop up from everything no matter how long Orton beats him up for. MAYBE.

Ms.Orton: Stupid Cena! Why didn’t you blow up!

Cena: 4
Orton: 4
25:20


Cewsh: Fed the fuck up with this bullshit, Orton drags Cena to the apron, and hits his delayed DDT as nastily as he ever has, rocking the shit out of the apparently unconscious, John Cena. Cena lays lifeless on the ground as Orton cockily struts about in celebration.

Cena: 4
Orton: 5
19:55


Ms.Orton: Orton realizes he’s up and needs to stay up. Because John’s mysteriously gotten his 7th wind, Randy starts trying to run time out. First he bolts back to the stage, where he drops Cena like a sack of potatoes. Then he runs back to other side of the ring. He manages to whittle away a good five minutes, before jumping the rail and high tailing it off into the crowd.

I never like through the crowd chases. The mass of people makes it hard to see, you can’t have a pin, and unless you go into the lobby, you’re just going to end up…back in the ring! Plus, wrestling fans are cockwaffles.

12:30

Cewsh: As the clock ticks down with Orton still in the lead by one, Cena kind of loses his shit and goes medieval on Randy Orton’s sexy ass. He beats him all around ringside, knocks him to the ground whenever he tries to get back up, and finally dismissively throws him full speed through the barricade. It looks kind of, um, painful. Just a little bit though. Just a little bit.

9:28

Ms.Orton: John? John? Whatcha doin’? Where you going with those stairs, John? Oh. OH! Don’t do that, John. He wasn’t actually going to blow you up! John?

Eeek!

Cewsh: John Cena murders Randy Orton with an Attitude Adjustment through the table from off of the stacked up ring steps. Also, he is apparently Batman.

Cena: 5
Orton: 5

Cewsh: Cena goes for another cover after the rest period, but somehow Orton kicks out, and with only 8 minutes to go, John Cena pulls out a table to finish the job. Ruh roh.

Ms.Cewsh: Stop chanting “We want tables.” You have tables. You are clearly getting tables! You’re a very redundant crowd.

5:18


Cewsh: Yeah, that whole table thing doesn’t work out so well for Cena.

Ms.Orton: Haha, serves you right. Also, Randy has an erection and apparently the camera man wants me to know it.

Cewsh: After lovingly placing Orton on the table, and then proceeding to sit on it at high velocity, missing Orton entirely, Cena is pretty much down and out, and with only 5 minutes left to go, everything becomes very, very urgent, as both men know that they need to put together some serious offense, and sooner rather than later.

2:49


Cewsh: Just as John Cena begins to build some momentum against Orton, the goddamn ref gets in the way, and gets his ass knocked the fuck out. After trying to revive him, Cena turns around straight into an RKO, but obviously THERE’S NO REF. Finally, about 6 hours later, another ref casual strolls to the ring, Orton pins Cena, 1….2…NO, kickout. Orton doesn’t take this very well, and knocks THAT ref out, leaving us with no refs.

Silly refs, if the heel asks you if it was three, just say yes! What do you care? Its not worth getting punched in the face over.

1:34


Cewsh: Randy Orton becomes possessed by Satan.

Ms.Orton: …even I can’t defend that. Eeep!

:04


Cewsh: Unfortunately for the devil, he was up against John Cena.

With the refs out, Orton has a nervous breakdown (see above), until he has a moment of clarity and decides to go for the punt. Unfortunately for Orton and Beelzebub, Cena slides out of the way, and locks him in the STF with about 56 seconds remaining. Orton strains to hold on, strains to take it to overtime, but he can’t see the clock, so he can’t know how much time is left, so with a mere 4 seconds to go until freedom, Orton taps out, giving John Cena the fall, and the victory.

Ms.Cewsh: DON’T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT ABOUT “HE CAN’T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME IS LEFT”, THE CROWD IS COUNTING IT DOWN. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU CENA YOU NO SELLING, UGLY ASS, PIECE OF CRAP, WHY COULDN’T YOU CATCH ON FIRE AND BURN! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE! YOU DIDN’T FUCKING NEED THIS.

YOU SHOULD’VE BLOWN THE FUCK UP. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cena: 6
Orton: 5

Cewsh: Having watched this entire match, I have a jumble of emotions towards it. At various points it was fun, boring, hard hitting, a little weak, fantastic, a little lame, and a million other things that are all wrapped up into one full hour of wrestling. Iron man matches are notoriously difficult to do, because of how hard it is to keep the crowd involved, and there is no way to deny that they did that all the way through, and these two guys have a chemistry that I find it hard to believe that anyone can deny anymore, no matter how little they like either man. Yes, you know what? This was a fucking great match. It takes some thinking in order to wrap your whole mind around the experience as a single match, but greatness is what happened here.

Could it have been better? It’s hard to say, though certain points probably could have been better. Should Orton have won? It’s my opinion that he absolutely should have. But is this one of the best matches this year? Yeah, it really, really is.

90 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval

Ms.Cewsh: It’s hard to tell by the notes above, but I absolutely adored this match on first viewing. I was RAPT for the last 10 minutes. And at the end, when my boy lost, I cried like my team lost the Super Bowl. As angry as I am that it happened that way, as much as I truly believe Cena should’ve lost and gone to Smackdown, I can’t deny that I had real emotions that I’m still feeling and talking about two days later. It wasn’t perfect by any stretch, but I have to give it points for grabbing me.

83 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

Ouch, that’s pretty harsh.

John Cena Over Randy Orton Following The STF.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: John Cena!

————————————————


Ms.Cewsh’s Meow:

Ms.Cewsh: Going in, this seemed like it was going to be a pretty blah show. Even the name seemed to skip out of my mind as soon as someone told it to me. At the end, it was one of the best PPVs I’ve seen. Even its clunker matches got main event-esk scores on any other show. I’m not sure if I like how it’s shaped the landscape going forward, but I can’t deny it was an excellent night of wrestling.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 75.6 out of 100.


Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Man, I wasn’t sure about this show. I mean, an Iron Man match? I always hate those. And this whole Bragging Rights concept hadn’t sold me 100%. As the show faded to black though, I was buzzing with my desire to see more, and had had a fucking great time watching the entire show. 5 matches, and 3 seals of approval is pretty fucking impressive, and even the mediocre matches in between couldn’t detract from the greatness of this show’s concept and execution. This wasn’t the greatest show I’ve ever seen, but a strong argument could be made for it being the best wrestling show presented anywhere this year. A strong, strong argument.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 77.8 out of 100.


Well that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our coverage of the battle for brand supremacy, and other such things, and I can assure you that if I ever play a video of Orton winning that match in my home again, I might end up on the street, so let’s keep this one on the down low from now on. Luckily to distract us we have a special treat coming up next week. We’re taking a quantum leap back in time to the magical year of 2001, where these two promotions, WWF and WCW collided in a PPV called WWE Invasion. I know, i’ve never heard of the companies anyway, but we’ll try anything once, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll find some topics to talk about along the way. In the meantime, keep reading, and, as always, be good to one another.

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