Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the best thing about Tuesday since Alf went off the air, Cewsh Reviews. This week we’re covering a show so intense that the NAME has a curse word right there in it. Seriously check it out, it’s so intense that they blew right by “heck” and went straight to “hell”. They’re showing no regard for “damn” or “blubbercunt”, at all! As you probably know, unless you accidentally stumbled onto this site looking for World Wildlife Entertainment, this is a show based around the fabled and prestigious Hell in a Cell match. Matches that guys like Mick Foley, the Undertaker and Al Snow made famous. Tonight we’re getting three of these slobberknockers, the first time ever more than one will be on a single show, so we’ve got ourselves an interesting night.
So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!
Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!
Cewsh: The interesting thing about the Hell in a Cell matches is that every time they do one, they make a colossal effort to convince you that it’s the most insane match ever. Unfortunately, they have a tendency to always do this with very similar video packages. Now when I see the cell being lowered to gothic music and Jim Ross’ freaking out, I can’t help but hearken back to the 30 other times I’ve seen this exact image.
On the other hand, if I hadn’t seen it before, it would probably hit me the way it used to. Those times were fucking awesome and awe inspiring, so depending on where you fall on that spectrum, this is either mind numbingly awesome or soul wrenching stale. Which is pretty dramatic either way.
Cewsh: Going into this match, the storyline, (which you may not have been able to detect in prior reviews, because of our girlish squealing for Punk,) is that Punk has the title and is a huge knobhead. The Undertaker has decided to make his yearly appearance just as Punk has won the title, which is really tough shit for Punk. On a side note, I love how they do that. At some point during the year, The Undertaker is coming for the champion, and it’s just a matter of where and when. Anyway, Punk and Teddy Long screwed over Taker at Breaking Point, and now Punk is locked in the Cell with the man who invented the match.
Punk’s pretty much fucked to death.
Both men come down to the ring, and immediately this match has a fantastic atmosphere. There’s a great lead in video, Punk’s solemn expression as he regards the Cell, Undertaker’s trademark absolute calm right, this match has it all before the bell even rings.
The match gets started, and it’s a great back and forth contest. Punk’s looked so good in this feud that I’m almost delirious about it, and that continues here as he reverses the Old School, kicks out after a Last Ride, and severely fucks Taker’s shit up with a chair. The match is fast paced, the crowd was electric for it, and both guys came out of it looking fantastic.
Punk loses cleanly to the Tombstone, and I know rumors have been floating about that he did something to deserve the loss. That is silly. He’s a heel and he’s in the Cell; winning the match wasn’t really an option. The ending WAS more than a little abrupt, and I’ll admit I expected a little more from this match, but what was there was damn good. It’s Punk and Taker in the Cell. You should already be watching it.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: Let me start this off by saying that I generally hate the idea of these gimmick PPVs. Yeah it might sell more shows, yeah it might actually produce a lovely night of wrestling.. but the shit feels so forced. If a feud needs to end in a hell in a cell match, then it will end in a hell in a cell match when a hell in a cell match is needed. Some feuds do not need a hell in a cell match. I don’t want them building up matches just in time for Hell in a Cell, because that’d just be too convenient and lame.
Blah. I don’t like it.
Anyway, boy was I shocked when the hype video for Punk/Undertaker started airing at the beginning of the show. It made sense to have the show open up with a hell in a cell match. It’s all about spacing them out during the show so you don’t have three in a row right at the end.
Now, this is a time when I love WWE. This match right here is basically the only reason I’m giving a quarter of a shit about this PPV. Normally I’d have to watch a lot more nonsense to get to this lovely match, but I really only had to sit through an Undertaker entrance. Score. Though at the same time, it sucks ‘cause I still have to watch the rest of the show. And did I mention that I don’t care about the rest of the show?
Alright. The match. To say it was underwhelming is a bit of an understatement. It was short. Undertaker is old and broken down (though still gives it 110%). Punk did not have the fire that he usually does. While it lasted, it was a pretty good match with some potential, but then just kind of ended. It didn’t feel like a big win or a big moment. It was just kind of like “okiedoke.. onto the next match!”
So, Taker wins. Why?
YOUR WINNER AND NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: The Undertaker!
Cewsh: Okay quick, how many minutes do you think this match got?
Try 20+. These two guys, whose whole feud is based on Dolph’s dislike of being called “Mr. Ziggles”, (and a desire for the title…but mostly “Mr. Ziggles”,) come out and steal the show. When they come out, the crowd doesn’t give a shitfuck about either of them, but as the match wears on, the crowd comes alive in a big way. They go so far as to start a, “This is awesome.” chant about halfway through. These two guys put on a show that will go on their resumes when they apply for main eventhood. It’s fast paced, it’s hard hitting, and it makes them both look like absolute stars.
I honestly wish I had more to say about it, to put it over, but the fact is that Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison have the match of the night, on a night where that wasn’t easy to do. Kudos to them for giving us a good fucking wrestling match to sink our teeth into, in the middle of a gimmick show.
85 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: I felt this match went on a few minutes too long.
Did you just GASP? I did too. Though I’m sure my GASP as I typed it isn’t quite the same as the GASP as you reading it.
Both of these guys are good workers, and I’m absolutely loving how good Ziggler looks every time he goes out there. The guy can’t finish the job and become the champion, but he looks so goddamn great at the end of every match. It’s a testament to how good the booking on Smackdown can be, compared to RAW of course. This was a good match, but I just thought it dragged a bit. Cut it back by 3-4 minutes and it could have been fantastic. I suppose that is just me nitpicking, though. Good work from both to make the Intercontinental title seem very coveted.
Cewsh: God I hope someone Google searches that and finds our blog. That would make my day.
Basterio are backstage hyping up Rey as the surprise teammate, and how Jerishow can’t be the best team until they’ve beaten them. In between this, Batista manages to assault Josh Matthews enough times that I think a restraining order might be in order. Come on Matthews, fight back! You were on Tough Enough! You’ve got this!
If you don’t stand up to bullies you’ll wind up like Michael Cole. And nobody wants that.
Cewsh: Um, some dudes in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes are up in the press boxes, which leads to an advertisement for the new TMNT video game. Now, this is the thing that’s sponsoring the PPV, so its not like they snuck some random commercial in, but aside from me not being a huge fan of it being here, it has to be the oddest advertisement in the history of video games. The Turtles beat people up to a song that would seem too quirky for a fucking Tarantino movie, much less a commercial for an action game.
What happened to the Turtles of my generation? I owned every fucking action figure and every video cassette. Today’s kids are screwed out of everything good. Poor bastards, they’ll never get to go to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Rock Concert like I did.
Cewsh: I would have sex with both of these ladies.
That’s not to say that I objectify them, or am incapable of accepting them as strong, independent women who are worthy of great respect and admiration. To be a woman wrestler, much less a decent one, requires so much work ethic and drive. It’s a miracle that any women go through the wringer at all, and these are two of the best in the WWE.
That said, I would have sex with both of them.
THAT said, this match is awful.
I don’t know if Mickie James is out of shape, has been having troubles calling matches, or what, but the alarmingly common thread in most of her recent matches has been a horribly botched finish. Its not just one move, either. She’ll be having a not entirely terrible match, and then the ending will almost kill someone. This match is, unsurprisingly, no exception. That Alicia Fox is up and walking around today is a testament to her, because Mickie hit her with a DDT so freak nasty that is was either a terrible botch or the best Divas’ selling I have ever seen.
It could be selling, and I hope it is, because if it’s not…something seriously wrong with Mickie’s matches. I’m afraid that someone is going to get hurt. That alone doesn’t make this a bad match, but it didn’t need the help.
Before I go, though, let me say that Alicia Fox really impressed me. She is developing really well as a character wrestler, and I appreciate that from her. She seems like she’s got a way to go yet, but for her experience level, she’s light years ahead of her peers. I look forward to seeing her more in the future, hopefully not being decapitated.
33 out of 100.
Vice: For a women’s match, this was actually pretty damn good. Alicia Fox has really developed as an in-ring competitor, and Mickie James brought the goods this time. And by bringing the goods, I mean wrestling goods. Something she doesn’t always bring. Something she doesn’t actually bring very often, come to think of it. Now, her body.. she brings those goods every time.
This match ends in dramatic fashion as Alicia Fox takes one of the most disgusting DDT’s I’ve ever seen. The bump actually made me cringe a bit, thinking she was going to be legitimately hurt from it. The way her head hit the canvas, and her body bent and twisted backwards, was just amazing. Fucking ouch.
This was a very pleasant surprise.
Vice: Man, I never thought Jericho and Big Show would be such a fucking incredible team. When Big Show was first revealed as the mystery tag partner, I was very let down right off the bat. But damn did they connect with each other instantly and phenomenally. Just wow. Rey and Batista are pretty cool together too. I really do like the big man small man tag teams.
It’s amazing how one great tag team can not only make the tag division tolerable, but make it fantastic and credible. Big Show and Jericho can hold the tag titles for months as far as I’m concerned. They really are lovely. This was a very fun, good tag match. All of their matches have been good. Every team that faces them comes out looking like a million bucks, which goes to [Jeri]show how great of workers these two can be.
The finish of the match was amazing.
Jesus what a punch to the face that was. That’s one of my favorite things about Rey and high flyers in general. I love it when they take finishers from the air. Like this, like Rey leaping into an RKO, Shelton Benjamin leaping into the Sweet Chin Music, and a million other instances. It’s so exciting and you never quite see it coming.
Cewsh: Nicknames are fun.
These guys all come to the ring, and it immediately becomes very, very clear that the fans are 100% into this match. They’re loud from the beginning, and they only get louder as the match unfolds perfectly. Jerishow do everything in their power to make Basterio look amazing, and to get the crowd involved. For once, involving the crowd didn’t just include a bunch of near falls and finishers, but instead focused on building a perfectly paced match to highlight everyone in it. There are no flaws to find here, not a single one.
Despite being flawless, there wasn’t anything overwhelmingly special about it. I flirted with giving it the seal anyway, but I couldn’t. This is the kind of match that sends fans home happy, without being truly memorable for any particular reason. These 4 guys all know what the fuck they’re doing, and this is how you shine without overshadowing the main events.
79 out of 100.
Vice: This was better than some of their other matches, I’d say. It was definitely much more competitive and didn’t follow the “CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA.. wins?” formula that I absolutely despise with Cena’s booking. Maybe the match was awful. I don’t know. I was just so excited to see some back and forth action that I enjoyed it.
I liked that there were no rope breaks in this match. Why, I’m not entirely sure. WWE just changing the rules for a unique occasion? Maybe. Or maybe I just wasn’t really paying attention. That definitely could have been it. An interesting situation did come from this. Orton tangled Cena up in the ropes, wrapped his arm around that overly muscular neck of Cena, and choked him out (after what looked like some sensual forced lovemaking). Cena was lifeless in the ropes. So, here is my question: why did the match continue? If ropes are legal, then making your opponent lose consciousness while tangled up in them seems legal too. Drop the hand three times or just call it off. Cena was done. In the wrestling world, it’d be incredibly unsafe to keep the match going. Who knows what could have happened.
Okay, so then the finish.
Orton punts Cena in the skull. YES.
Cena dies, Orton makes the cover and wins the gold. YES.
I am happy. Without any bullshit, Orton beats John Cena. That is a good thing and makes this shit somewhat interesting again. But, I am Vice. Surely I have to be pissed at something.
WHY IN THE UTTER FUCK DID THE PUNT DO NOTHING TO JOHN CENA ASIDE FROM GET A FUCKING 3 COUNT!?!? Seriously, fuck this. This is the punt that has sent people to hospitals. The punt that has put even the toughest of tough motherfuckers on the shelf for months and months. Quite possibly the most deadly move in the entire galaxy in the land of wrestling. And you mean to tell me that John Cena gets the fuck back to his feet within 2-3 minutes, so that he can fucking cry as he looks at Orton with his belt?
Fucking hell. This is why I fucking hate Cena and the way that WWE books that retard. Okay, so, RAW’s main event scene is stale as shit and can be very painful to watch the same match over and over again. So, how do you freshen up that scene? I dunno, maybe you could remove someone from the equation. Like, I dunno, a hell in a cell match. A hell in a cell match that ends with a punt to the skull. If that doesn’t end the feud, I don’t know what does. Of course, the person who takes the punt to the skull in the hell in a cell match NEEDS TO DIE and STAY DEAD. At least for a little while. But with Cena getting right back up from the punt, it’s very possible that this feud is going to continue. Not only should it cease because it is fucking stale, but it adds to my dislike of gimmick-themed PPVs. This could have been the end. Hell in a cell. Punt to the face. Dead Cena. Orton with the title. End of feud. But no. They will probably have another match. I’ve already stopped giving a shit about hell in a cell matches. Thankfully I just have to put up with one more and then I won’t have to worry about one for another year. Hey, maybe that’s a plus to this whole thing…
Cewsh: Hold on to your socks everybody, because this is your once in a lifetime opportunity to see both Vice and Cewsh agree on a John Cena match. This is a strange world we inhabit, and apparently it gets stranger by the day.
I DO agree with Vice, though. This match was fantastic. While I don’t think it was nearly as good as their Breaking Point match, which had a much more coherent story and great details, it was still amazing. Great offense by Cena, great flow, great spots, and once again, great Orton. Randy Orton put on a performance so mind blowing, that leaves me in disbelief that anyone denies him the title of one of the best wrestlers in the world. His mannerisms, his selling, his out of nowhere RKOs, the vicious punts, the emotion he conveys on his face, his absolute unflinching devotion to his character. It’s the stuff legends are made of, and I have no doubt that he has reached a point that will be remembered 20 years from now, when we’re telling kids about how great about this era is compared to theirs.
The match was really well worked, full of drama, and entirely enjoyable. “But Cewsh,” you might be asking, “you said you agreed with Vice. What about the ending?”
Ah, the ending. Randy Orton punts Cena in the head, and, just as Vice says, Cena is up and walking around hardly a minute later. It hardly seems fair, when Triple H and the McMahons murdered themselves to get that move over. However, it is important to point out that Cena was doing his best, “I have a concussion,” face, and the announcers did hype up that Orton might not have gotten all his strength into it, due to the damage his legs took during the match. This still seems like a fairly weak cop-out when Cena’s totally fine a minute later. I like John Cena, and don’t have a ton against his booking, but when it comes to this? Sell the fucking punt, John. Christ.
As for Orton winning the title, that was something I never expected. Since I figured Cena was going to win and cap off the feud, I’m kind of taken aback by the idea. I’m excited though, because that belt belongs around Orton’s waist forever.
79 out of 100.
YOUR WINNER AND NEW WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: Randy Orton!
Cewsh: R-Truth is backstage and he cuts a promo on Drew McIntyre. Now when I say he cuts a promo, I actually mean that. The phrase “What’s Up?” is used sparingly, and we actually get a fun glimpse of R-Truth’s actual personality shining through. This is good, because this guy is so fucking charismatic it’s disgusting. It’s about time we saw more of him.
Cewsh: McIntyre just debuted with a rub from Vince McMahon, and immediately launched into a heated rivalry with an over and charismatic R-Truth, yet nobody has really been talking about him. McIntyre definitely has the look, is deceptively big, and I can’t decide whether his finisher, (a double underhook DDT where he tucks the guy’s head under his elbow and falls backwards with a lot of force,) is awesome or ridiculous, since he essentially absorbs the impact of the other guy with his own stomach.
At any rate, this is an exhibition match intended to highlight McIntyre. As such, it was fine. Truth came out looking totally fine. McIntyre looked fine. It was just kind of there. Still, it was a strong enough PPV debut for a potential star.
61 out of 100.
Vice: After what happened with Cena and Orton, the last thing I gave a shit about was this match. I like Drew, though.
Cewsh: Orton is backstage as Legacy comes and congratulates him on winning his match. They go on to talk about how beating DX is a sure thing. Orton tells them to be careful, because until you’ve been in the Cell, you can’t know what its like. They react with scorn to this reasonable suggestion and wander off as Orton mutters about whippersnappers and goes back to selling.
Selling! 3 segments later! INSANITY!
Cewsh: This is the quintessential up-and-coming midcard match. All of these guys are on the rise, (except maybe Swagger who has stalled terribly,) and this is one of those matches that’s like a window into the future. Down the road, who’s to say how big Miz or Kingston might get? This is one of the matches we’ll be able to say that we saw them in before they got there.
Cool though that idea is, otherwise, the match is pretty bland. They do their thing, it’s all good, and the Miz continues his career path of being the new age Chris Jericho. Seriously, his current character is very similar to Jericho in WCW, he cuts promos on his way to the ring like Jericho always used to, his feud with Cena was VERY much like Jericho’s feud with Goldberg, and his finisher is even one of Jericho’s old finishers, (the Breakdown, look it up.) That’s pretty awesome for the Miz, because, you know, Jericho turned out okay.
67 out of 100.
Vice: When Swagger first came out, the first thing that popped in my head was that it looks like he hasn’t worked out in a month or two. His body isn’t nearly as defined as it used to be, especially his torso.
Anyway, this match was really fun. Very fast-paced and energetic, which made it enjoyable. Definitely a breath of fresh air at this point on the show. While the US title doesn’t seem aaaaaaas coveted as the IC title because of matches like this, I’m glad it’s still getting a chance to shine with some hungry young talent. Especially hungry young talent with light-up boots, like Kofi.
Cewsh: A tag team main event during a PPV with Cena/Orton and Taker in a Cell on it? What the fuck universe is this now?
Actually, though, I completely agree with the decision to have this here. This is, by far, the hottest storyline in WWE right now. They have never yet provided anything short of an amazing match, so this is absolutely the way to close the show. DX comes to the ring doing their usual deal before Legacy jumps them from behind, and this shit is fucking on. They have one of their really fun brawls all over the arena, before Legacy finally knocks Triple H out on the stage, injures Michaels’ leg, and locks him in the Cell with them. This brings up one of the coolest fucking images I’ve ever seen in wrestling, where a hurt Shawn Michaels realizes that he’s locked in the Cell, and he looks to both sides of him where Rhodes and Dibiase are on opposite turnbuckles, grinning like sharks. It was amazing, and such a great touch that it gave me chills.
After wrecking Michaels’ shit for awhile, Shawn finally starts to come back. Triple H, crawling, makes his way towards the Cell, where we get another emotional moment as Triple H sees his best friend getting killed in there. He desperately tries to get in to help him, but he’s locked out and there’s nothing he can do. Shawn puts up a heroic fight, flinging Rhodes into the cage and going nuts on Dibiase, finally hitting Sweet Chin Music and going for the cover. Unfortunately for him, Rhodes is there with a steel chair, to shut him down again.
Triple H, at this point, starts taking a chair to the door, trying to bust in, and Dibiase makes a point of mocking him from just inside the door. Triple H goes nuts, trying to pry the door off its hinges with the chair to no avail, as Michaels fades. They bash him into the cage over and over, mocking Triple H all the time. Finally Triple H seems to give up and runs to the back, causing Legacy to laugh and get back to the business of taking Shawn Michaels a few steps closer to God. I don’t think anybody in the wrestling business does a vicious beatdown half as well as Legacy. They really make you believe that they’re bullies who enjoy what they do, and do whatever they want. Words can’t describe the beating they lay on Michaels. I’ve seen bumfights less complete and devastating than this.
Finally, FINALLY, as they have Michaels in the Figure Four/Million Dollar Dream on the post, like they won with at Breaking Point, Triple H charges in with bolt cutters, cuts the lock, hops in the ring, and proceeds to annihilate Rhodes and Dibiase, culminating in one of the coolest fucking finishes to a tag team match that I’ve ever seen.
Fucking hell, what a goddamn fucking great end to a great feud. I know I said that Ziggler/Morrison stole the show, but this was the police coming to lock up the thieves and show them who’s boss. Holy fuck.
91 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.
Vice: Ah, main event time. I’m glad they saved the big title match for last.
Wait, there is no title here? But Triple H has said many times that the title is the most important thing in the company and thus the title match should always go on last. That’s why Rock vs. Hogan, which was a much bigger match than Triple H vs. Jericho, was shafted in order for the latter match to get the closing moments of the show. But then Triple H main evented over Benoit so he could have a hell in a cell with Shawn Michaels. And then he and Shawn main evented against the Spirit Squad while RVD vs. Edge in a title match took the backseat. And now here the duo is, main eventing this show. Hmmm. I mean, I’m not going to go on some spiel about how he’s making the title matches look like shit, because that’s not the case by any real stretch, buuuuuuut I am merely making an observation of some sort.
The match did what it needed to do, but it didn’t seem like it needed to be the main event at all. I’d have rather the PPV closed with Orton/Cena, with Cena still dead from the punt. THAT is how you end Hell in a Cell. Instead we got a match with a great story and great execution, but I found it really boring to watch. For the most part, anyway. There were a few places where it was pretty awesome. It just seemed kinda like a RAW segment in a PPV match environment.
Howeeeever, it did make Legacy look good again. They are fantastic at beating up old people when it’s a 2 vs. 1 situation. It’s a shame they tend to crumble when the odds are more even.
Cewsh: You know, I wasn’t enthusiastic about these gimmick shows when I first heard about them. They seemed hokey, unnecessary, and like they would kill the gimmick. After two of these shows, I no longer believe it’s a coincidence. These shows are fucking good. Maybe it’s the way that the gimmick gives a feeling of continuity to the show as a whole, or maybe its just because everybody tries to top each other and goes crazy. I don’t know. But this is the second show in a row that really impressed me on the whole, and I can’t believe it’s a coincidence.
I’m convinced. Viva la gimmicks.
Vice: Overall this was a.. decent show, I suppose. It had some good moments, but also plenty of wacky decisions that made my head spin into a tornado of rage.
Sell the punt, you fucking asshole.
Alright boys and girls, that’ll do it for us tonight. We hope you enjoyed your trip to hell. We also hope you enjoyed this fascinating study of cells, and the things that occur within them. Exploration of the concepts behind “in” and “a” are less interesting I think, but it always pays to be thorough. We hope you join us next week, even though we have no idea what we’ll be reviewing. Yes, oddly enough the vaunted Queue has driven off its rails, and we’re now off-roading into the wilderness on a flaming train made of crazy. Though, if you knew what stalwart warriors we are, you would know damn well that there ain’t no gettin’ offa dis train we on. I’ll update you during the week, and in the meantime, keep reading, and be good to one another.